Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 133: Tim Key

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

The Off Menu boys are back for a seventh series, and who better to be the first diner than Tim ‘I’ll be mother’ Key? Tim Key’s new book ‘Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush: An Anthology of Poems and Conversations from Outside’ is published by Utter & Press on 14 February. Pre-order it here.And buy Tim’s previous book, ‘He Used Thought as a Wife. An Anthology of Poems And Conversations (From Inside)’, here. Follow Tim Key on Twitter @timkeyperson and Instagram @timkeypoet. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the egg of conversation, wrapping it in the sausage meat of humour, rolling it in the breadcrumbs of anecdotes, and deep frying it in the hot oil of the internet. Yeah, absolutely. As soon as you said about the sausage meat, I was like, yeah, this writes itself. Brilliant. Hey, man, it's the first episode of the series, so of course I need to come out the gates with a good one. You need to let them know we're not messing

around. Not messing around. This is a serious series. This series is going to be one of the greats. Go down one for all time. Oh, wow. It was good while it lasted. Yep. Okay. Back to Norm. Hello. James A. Gaster here. That said, Gamble. Hello. And we own a dream restaurant. Ed is the major D. I am a waiter and a GD. And every week we welcome our guests and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Tim Key. Tim Key, comedian, poet, actor, writer. So many things. Well, those four things, mainly, I'd say. Yes. Jack of all trades. I wouldn't be surprised if Tim, you know, released a music album one day. Master of

all trades. Master of all trades. Jack of all trades, lest we forget, is an insult, I think. Is it? I feel like it feels like an insult. Yeah. Because the full phrase is Jack of all trades, master of none. Yeah. Sorry, Tim. I didn't mean that. Yeah. Master of all trades, Jack of none. Jack of none. There we go. Well, we're very happy to have the Jack of none on this week's episode. Yeah. He's about to release a book talking of one of his trades. Yes. Here we go. Round the mulberry bushes and anthology of poems and conversations from the outside. Last time I saw him, he'd just released a book. And now there's another book to come. He's been very prolific writing a lot during lockdown. A lot of poems, a lot

of short stories, a lot of like scripts, it seems. This book is beautiful, flicking through it. Like the way it's all laid out, put together, just a feast for the eyes. Even if you didn't bother reading this book and you just wanted to flick through it, I'd say worth the money. Well, good. And I got a free one and I'm not going to read it. Yeah. I'm going to put that on the pile of books that my friends have written. Yep. And I'm going to look at them all. I'm going to go, lovely. Aren't my friends clever? It's very good. He'll get the book and he'll time it just right that it's kind of like convincing that he might have started reading it. And then he'd actually go, great book, mate. Then you're like, well. But no,

I will actually, I will actually delve into Tim's. Yes. I mean, you know, it's all bite sized bits, isn't it? It's all poems and stuff. So you can hack that. Exactly. And he's an actor. He's in everything. Most of the good British comedy shows of the last 10 to 15 years, Tim Key has been in. They all call up Tim Key. But even though he is a master of all trades, Jack of none, if he chooses the secret ingredient, ingredient that we deem to be gross, then we will kick him out of the dream restaurant and he will get no dinner. And this week's secret ingredient is Southern comfort. Southern comfort. Disgusting. It's really gross. I think the first sip I had a stomach. Southern comfort. I thought, oh,

this is my new favorite drink. And the second sip, I was like, I never want to drink this again. Yeah. I think when you're, when you start drinking, you think Southern comfort and Jack Daniels are the most the coolest, best drinks, especially with the sort of rock and roll reputation they both have. Yes. Certainly as a, as a metalhead and reading things like Karang and metal hammer, Southern comfort would come up in interviews a lot as the cool thing that the rock stars drink. Yeah. And then you drink it and realize that they've, they've got no taste of these guys. Yeah. Yeah. Now you go, oh yeah, they were all like, you know, actually looking back, they were all people in their early twenties

in metal bands. You don't know what the hell they're on about. Exactly. It's drinking Southern comfort all the time. No, horrible, horrible stuff. So then, yeah, awful. The Jack Daniels stuff really makes me laugh. We should choose Jack Daniels one day because that was made out to be like the best whiskey. Yeah. And all the adverts are like, oh, Jack Daniels knew how to make whiskey. And like all the, like, you know, black and white photos of all the people who work at the factory, like it's the proudest thing ever. And actually I bet you go there and they're like, this is not good whiskey. It's bad stuff. Even the people working there must be like, no, of course I'm not drinking this. And I always

thought it was cool because Lemmy from Motorhead drunk it. Yeah. And that guy was not well. No, no, that guy, all the stories are, you know, I, you know, as you know, you won't surprise you, given my, you know, YouTube history and how much I just watched what everyone used to be in jackasses up to and stuff like that. I watched all of the speeches from Lemmy's funeral. Yeah. And on YouTube. And they were all great speeches. But, you know, they didn't leave you going, I'm going to live my life like that guy did after all I once heard that Lemmy drank so much in the first sort of 40 years of his life that he tried to quit drinking and his doctor said, you can't quit drinking because if you go

a day without a drink, your body will reject its own liver. Wow. I mean, even if that's not true, good story. Whoever came up with it. Yeah. Thank you for coming up with it. Tim Key might have come up with that. Yeah. And Southern Comfort was suggested by Scott Allen on Twitter. Or Alan Scott. Who's to say? Scott. Yeah. Scott says. Yeah. Scott Allen. And I'm going on tour, James. Oh, doing my show Electric. I'm doing that all over the UK. It starts at the beginning of February. It finishes at the end of April, this leg. So go on my website, edgamble.co.uk and check out if I'm coming near your house. I probably am. Okay. Even if it's not near my house, I'm buying a ticket. I'm going to be there

at every show, everybody. You'll see me in the audience and that's part of the challenge. You find me somewhere. I'll be sitting in the audience. But don't try and find them during the show, because that would be distracting. Okay. Let's crack on then. If Tim Key says Southern Comfort, he is out of here. Yeah. This is the off menu menu of Tim Key. Welcome, Tim Key, to the Dream Restaurant. Well, thanks for having me. Oh, welcome, Tim Key, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Fantastic. You like that? Yeah, I didn't... Well, the been expecting you for some time was interesting. Yeah. Go on. Have you? Yeah. Well, it's predetermined. We've always known since the

start of time, we know who is destined to come to the Dream Restaurant. It was inevitable. It's your destiny. Yeah. Well, yeah. It feels right. I'm glad to be here. It's a good atmosphere. It is a good atmosphere. Really good atmosphere. We were just saying before we started, is a good atmosphere, really. Good atmosphere, isn't it? What do you look for in a restaurant atmos when you walk into a restaurant? Waterwheel. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever add sound effects on at the end of this? Yeah. I wouldn't find a waterwheel under... For the whole episode, you want the waterwheel? Because I'd imagine that's going to... I think for the whole episode, otherwise, you'd have to explain how... I mean, we could have it stop

and then hear spanners and things as they sort of do maintenance on the waterwheel. Yeah. All right. Okay, that'd be a bit of that at some point. We can do that Benito. That's all right, isn't it? Benito's job, yeah. Sort of distant swearing, because I can't get this bloody waterwheel going. Maybe water, sort of in the restaurant, people screaming. Yeah. A little bit Poseidony. Okay. Do have fun with it. So you like it, but you like a waterwheel in a restaurant? Yeah. I mean, obviously, it's not pretty, because I'd never eat out, would I?

No. Never put your finger in a waterwheel? Have I ever put my finger in a waterwheel? What do you mean? People aren't looking. You have a gun. What are you saying? Like dab it in the water, or are you saying put it in the spokes? Put it in the water. Just feel the water. Yeah, because it's kind of moving along as a current. Yeah, feel it go over your hand. Over your finger? I haven't done that. Would definitely do that. Have you done that?

No, I've never done it, but I'd like... It'd be... As soon as I see a waterwheel... Yeah, you'd want to dunk your hand. I want to put my hand in. I wonder if Ed has ever put his hand in the... Do you want to ask him? I can ask him for you if you're not feeling confident. Oh, I'm confident. I'll ask him. Yeah, that's mad. You're asking him.

So, yeah, it is mad. Ed, have you ever put your hand in a waterwheel? What's a waterwheel? Oh, okay. So, I... Well, you know, if you're at a working mill museum, right? So, you know, when you see the enormous wheel that's been pushed... On the side of the mill. Sure, and it's been pushed by the river.

Yeah. Yeah, and then that's what's crushing the grains and making flour. That's your waterwheel, the big wheel. So, do you want one that size in your restaurant, like a working mill in the restaurant? Well, we can come on to that, but I'm asking if you did see that, would you put your hand in it? No, that feels dangerous.

I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to, if it's big enough, sit on one of the... Paddles. Paddles and go all the way around and under, and then pop back up again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You'd go under. I'd go under, mate, yeah. We used to have a... We used to have a... Okay, yeah. All right. We used to have a... Paternoster lift.

Oh, what? A Paternoster lift at my university. What's that? I don't know what a waterwheel is, mate. I'm not going to know what that is. I think he did the voice of the vattern batter to it. So, he did, like, the floor three. He did all that, did he?

No. Look, a Paternoster lift is a lift that continues to move. It's a lift with lots of platforms, and it's like a waterwheel, really, and it goes down, and at the bottom of its cycle, it goes under and then comes back up. And the way you get on the lift

is when the platform comes past your floor, there's no door. As the platform comes past your door, you walk onto it. What? Yes. What do you mean, what? It just sounds like something from a sci-fi film.

No, this is something from the arts tower in Sheffield. Can you imagine it? Have I explained it right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it sounds... It sounds dangerous. It sounds quite dangerous. There's no door.

There's no door. You just walk on, on, for example... Well, I need an example. Level two. And then once you get to level eight... And then, for example? Level eight. Yep.

You walk off. But if you mistime it, or there's lots of people trying to get off, then you might sort of... You're on it for the next half an hour or so. You're on it, and then you either get off at level nine and then get down the other side, or I suppose you just...

You do have the option, if you're hung over, going right up to floor 14, over the top, right back down, and then when you get to level eight, have another go. And can you go over the top, or is there a bit where it goes upside down? You're not advised, pardon me? I was just saying, in its platforms,

do they then go upside down and people are falling off at the top? Or is it constantly flat? In my head, it's all taking place in one vast, like a mineshaft where you can just fall off the edge of this thing and go into oblivion. Do you know what?

When I first started my description, I don't think I was at all getting my ideas across. And I could have done with the phrase, mineshaft, because I think that's exactly what it is. You know, when you have constantly moving... I bet this is how they get up and down in mines. Okay. I do bet that.

Yeah, you bet that? I bet that. Okay. So that's the least I bet. They've not really caught on these lifts, I guess, then. No, because of course the... This is a while ago, I guess. The classic Otis 12-person lift

is the one that eventually took precedence. But yeah, the Patinos lift is, you know, it's got some use, I think. I mean, I enjoyed it at Sheffield. I neither once saw it, you... No, every day I'd be on there. You'd be on there every day. Did you ever miss your platform?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. And would you be angry at that point or...? Come in, my emotions. I think it was just sort of... That's annoying, I have to get off at nine and then go back down to eight.

Yeah. But what... It sounds like you can fall off. Yeah. And die. And die... I don't remember there were any deaths. I think they would have just shut it down.

No one died, I don't think. But they were, like, better safe than sorry. Better safe than sorry. I mean, like, it's pretty safe. But sometimes you'd see someone who's almost missed their floor and now they're about three foot, going on four foot, five foot, six foot,

and sometimes someone would think, do you know what? I'm just going to go and they'll jump off. Would you like one of those in your restaurant as well? No, Waterwheel, please. No, just the Waterwheel, okay. Yeah, great. Or another thing I like in a restaurant

is a... In an Indian restaurant is... There's an Indian restaurant I go to sometimes, and there's a sitar player. Wow. Lovely. But what restaurant's this? So people want to go and hear the sitar?

It's just... It just creates this fantastic ambience. You're not going to name it. You don't want people going to you? It's fantastic. It just sits there... It's not going to say the name. Lent against a wall, just playing this sitar.

And it's just brilliant. Because I like that anyway, an Indian restaurant just sort of very nice, traditional background music. But to have someone actually there playing it is brilliant. Do you want him sat on the Waterwheel, so occasionally the song sort of gets muffled and cut out as he goes underwater

and then pops back out again? In terms of sound effects. Yeah. Well, I certainly want... I certainly want him to arrive into the restaurant on a Patronoster lift. Yeah, yeah, of course. And they've had a problem getting off.

So he's got a sore head and he keeps playing the same sort of tiny bit of music. And I'd like to be western music. Yeah, that's what you like, is it? When you say traditional sitar music, you want a sitar music that you can go, well, that's what lovely traditional music. You go, hang on, that's the clip to the heart.

Wait a second, that's India. All right. He's mentioned India. Oh, right. No problem with India, is it? Cross over, isn't it? No more jockeys, you mentioned India a lot. Oh, yeah, Alex Horn mentions India a lot in the jockeys.

So you're stealing his stuff and bringing it on here? Well, yeah. He can't get a gig on it, can he? He can't get a gig on it. We won't have him. I'm doing this for me, Alex and Mark. Yeah, yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah, you can make this one.

We're going to list this episode as featuring no more jockeys. Yeah. I've had, I'd say, a fair few meals with you, Tim, and I think they've all been Indian meals. Yeah, you love it. No. No? Oh, OK.

Well, I don't know. What was that one in Edinburgh with me, you, Charlie and Horn? Yes, that was an Indian meal. And the restaurant was literally called Mother India. Did I go Indian? Yeah, you went Indian. Yeah, I don't think there was any option, really, at Mother India. OK, Mother India.

Yeah, that would have been Indian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about another one? What was that one in that? We had curry in Shepherd's Bush. Curry in Shepherd's Bush. Yeah, I've also had a curry with you in Shepherd's Bush, and it would have been in the same place, I'm pretty sure,

after a Bush hall gig. How many curries a week do you reckon you're on now? Now. Yeah. What do you mean now, as if we've cut down? Right. It's under control. I would say, well, you know, it's my favourite style of food,

I must admit. Probably I'd have like Indian food, maybe three times a week. That's pretty good going. Yeah. I mean, I love it. I must admit. And every now and again, I'll get a text from you. Oh, sorry, four Sri Lankan.

Yeah. Thanks for filling in the gaps there, too, actually. Yeah, that was our next question. Thought we were going to get four separate answers. Absolutely not. Are you alternating those days? So you go Sri Lankan Indian, Sri Lankan Indian, or are you going all four Sri Lankan in a block,

then all three Indian in a block? Yes, Indian at the weekend. So, yeah, Friday Saturday's on the Indian, and then, you know, chill in the working week. Yeah. Yeah. Chicken security? Well, we'll come on to that, won't we?

Is that in them? Oh, let's not guess. We'll come on to that, won't we? Oh, we've got something in front of us here. What is this? Oh, that's nice. We've got something in a little bag here. A little bag.

Let's pull it out and see what it is. Oh, it's here. We go around the mulberry bush, an anthology of poems and conversations, brackets from outside, by Tim Key. By Tim Key, a beautiful cover. No picture again? Not gone with a picture of yourself?

No, not gone with a picture of myself, because, you know, we're not attached to a large publishing house, so no pressure. Oh, do you see when people have pictures of themselves on books that there's pressure from the publishing house? They really like it. Because they say, look, you're on telly, mate, and we need to give these people an underarm.

They need to know that the chap from the telly wrote this book. That's what you get in the emails when you write a book with a large publishing house. But if you can't get a contract with a large publishing house because your stuff has become niche, then you are completely at liberty just to have some sort of weird design stuff on the front. Well, I'm looking around here.

I can't see any publisher's logo. Well, it's published by a company called Utter & Press, but also that is just one person, weirdly. So they don't put their logo on the outside, I think. No, they're very modest. They leave you to it in this thing. They leave you to it is a great phrase. Yeah, yeah.

They seem to have left you to it. I love companies who just leave you to it. McVitie's do that a bit, don't they? You find them a lot? No, they just let you get on with it, don't they? Yeah, they let you on with it. As a consumer. Yeah, I've got a relationship with McVitie's,

where I don't really have to mention them, but they don't pay me any money. They let you on with it. Do you like McVitie's? I don't mind, yeah. McVitie's, what do you think about them, James? Yeah, like what? I mean, the caramel biscuit one.

Yeah, you like that? Yeah, with the chocolate caramel. Yeah, that's one of the greats. Yeah, I mean, for me, the flagship is the dark chocolate digestive. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's the flagship for me. I mean, the flagship is the plain digestive.

That's obviously the ultimate flagship, but did I say ultimate flagship? No, you just said the flagship. Well, the flagship would be the dark chocolate. Is it the flagship for me to be fair? But then I don't know if the flagship can be subjective, isn't it? But what I would say is... I would say James is right there.

What I would say is the ultimate flagship has to be just the digestive. But I would say that flagship suggests ultimate anyway. Yeah. There's one flagship. It's the ultimate flagship. Yeah. It's the plain digestive.

What would you say is the flagship of Plosif Productions? Well, it's Benito, isn't it? Yeah. Oh. Benito himself. Benito is the flagship. Well, I would say he's the ultimate flagship. The ultimate flagship.

And then off-menus the flagship. Yes. Great. And I'm the flag guest. Yes. Yeah. Tim, tell us about the book. Oh, right.

Well, the book is, you know, trapped in lockdown. I started writing, and this is a collection of poetry and dialogues set in lockdown three, actually. I wrote a book about lockdown one, which is called He Used Thought as a Wife. And that's out as well. But, you know, this is the one I'm currently pushing. Lockdown two didn't get a book?

Lockdown two was a little bit. I don't know what your experience was of lockdown two. It was a bit blink and you miss it, wasn't it? Yeah. You'd do well to write a book in that. Well, also, I was filming at that point. Sure. So all this stuff about, I've written a book in lockdown one.

Sorry, Ed. I was filming in lockdown two. I do acting and writing. Go on. Filming in lockdown two and writing another book in lockdown three. Did you ever think you're actually going to make people feel really bad, people who didn't do anything? Oh, right.

Well... People who weren't motivated to do all this stuff, Tim. No, because I also think it was fine. You listen to the radio and stuff and they say it's also fine just to relax and reset in those lockdowns. So... Yeah. You and Bo Burnham, absolutely.

Doing a number on everybody. I don't think you're a particularly quiet way. Feels like you too. I'm not losing sleep over you. Let's put it that way. You get stuff done. You seemed to continue your podcast throughout. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then as the lockdowns eased, you would do things like a short run at Edinburgh or marry your sweetheart. I cancelled the run in Edinburgh, but I did do the marriage thing. And then you went back to Edinburgh to honour those dates. Yes, I did, yeah. Yeah.

Tim is across my diary, by the way. Well, it's because when you cancelled your dates, I took one. I'm not saying... I don't want to drill down too much on the pecking order here, but yes, it needed you to sort of get married and cancel your dates for me to actually do a run in the Monkey Barrel. Yeah. I watched.

You watched what? I was in the audience. I saw all of your shows. One of my shows? Yeah. Yeah, you did come along, actually. Yeah, I did. And then we had a couple of drinks after, didn't we? Yeah, yeah.

You wanted a curry, but everyone was like, come on. What? I can never tell whether this is an insult made liking Indian food. No, it's not at all. That's good. It seems very transfixed by Indian food. Can I be honest? Yes.

I went on Sunday brunch. Have you ever done that? Yes. Well, I mean, I'm sure your experiences were awkward, but mine, I think, was next level. I'm chopping an onion, and at one point they said, no, you eat like Indian food, don't you? And I went, yeah, I don't know why he'd said that.

Yeah, I do like Indian food. Anyway, he didn't say anything back. And then I sort of became aware that I'd finished chopping the onion, and he hadn't spoken since I started chopping the onion. So I think I did about 45 seconds where I'm just chopping an onion. Yeah, yeah. And that is very different from sort of promoting a book. People love that, though.

That's why people tune in to Sunday brunch. It's a mad show. So much of chopping an onion. Do you know what I like about Sunday brunch? Yeah. You go on as a guest, and they just let you get on with it. Yeah, they do. They do.

They get in as a show. I mean, that is the ultimate. They really do. They keep your mug topped up. You know, they shove some of the stuff that they've been cooking over to you. You go, yeah, that's fine. And then for a bit, you sort of drink gin and sort of go,

yeah, this is mad because it's half 11. And then you sort of spill out onto the street, lashed, and sort of go, well, I won't do that again. And then a couple of years later, there you are again. Sort of sat next to Jason Donovan hoping for the best. Now, James, can I start with a sparkling water? Do you want the sparkling water to also be in the water wheel? Good.

Are you dunking the cup in the water wheel? I'm dunking my cup into the sparkling water wheel. Yeah. I don't want, honestly, people are like piranhas out there. They'll latch onto that and think I'm up myself if I'm having a sparkling water water wheel. Yeah. So I'll have a tap water water wheel, please,

and a sparkling water large bottle on the table with a glass with ice and lime. Thank you, James. Thank you. Why are you worried about what people will think of you if you pick a sparkling water water wheel? I don't want, honestly, I don't need the backlash. I don't need the backlash that's inevitably going to come

if I ask for a sparkling water water wheel. Because that is, that's literally, you know, 3,000 gallons of sparkling water. Yeah. And, you know, some poor sod having to sort of keep opening the old Highland spring and pour it in as it's sort of going around. And honestly, I can't be doing with having the...

You don't want the backlash. Having the tweets, no, I can't. So I think I'll have a tap water water wheel, please. What's the most amount of backlash you've ever got for something? Got a little bit this week, actually. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, because I played a guy in Ricky Gervais' show After Life and I go on a date with Diane Morgan

and I keep telling us to get our elbows off the table and I'm not very nice to her. And yeah, it's a bit of backlash where people are saying, yeah, that guy's a fucking cunt. Sometimes someone underneath would go, oh yeah, but he's a nice guy and he does a lot of stuff. That's acting. Yeah, he's a cunt.

I'd have hit him. So yeah, I'll get tap water water wheel, please. And sparkling water. Any particular brand of sparkling water? Oh, now you're asking. Not really, but like it's a large glass bottle. Yeah. I really like that when it's sort of, you know, clonks down.

Yeah. And then, but I mean, what are your ratios for... How many people are getting still water? I mean, I can't understand that. I'm not sure. I bet someone out there knows what the ratios have been. I think it's still water's probably in the lead. But then also what you've done is you've got yourself a situation

where you can have still if you want, because you can dunk your cup in the water wheel. Yeah. Or cut my hand in the water wheel. Huh? Cut your hand in the water wheel. I thought you said cut your hand in the water wheel. No, cut my hand in the water wheel.

Or even, you know, dunk my head. Would you do that? Well, it depends what I'm drinking with the meal, doesn't it? We shall see. I mean, if I'm lashed, I can imagine a head dunk. We think if you're dunking your head, when you pull your head out, you've got to shout something.

Oh, yeah. What am I shouting? Well, you tell me. Just go in the moment. Visualize it. Okay, one more second. Yeah, I mean, okay. Dunk your head in.

Are you shouting something before you dunk as well? Oh, I know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, okay. I likey. But loud. Yeah, yeah. Example? I likey!

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, this is quite, this is a newer thing for you, Tim, I'd say in the last couple of times we've seen each other. A lot of words now end with E. Ah, that's really interesting. Yeah. I've noticed that. Yeah.

Yeah, I have noticed that. I think last time we did a gig together, you kept sticking your feet straight out on the sofa and shouting chippies at the top of your voice. That's because there were chips on the table. Yeah. Oh, we've got the stats. We've got the stats.

Oh, right, okay. And I'll tell you what, it's 60 for still. Yeah. 59 for Spartan. You've just level pegged it. You've level pegged it, mate. Is it really? Yeah.

60 all. Yeah. At the time of recording. At the time of recording. At the time of recording. Pop it up to our bed! Pop it up to our bed, Timkey! Pop it up to our bed!

Point this question, we know what he's going to say. No, we don't. We don't know what we've got. Well, the thing is, there's so, so much, I mean, you've probably covered this, but there's so much nice bread out there. We haven't actually ever touched on that. I love that.

So if you want to cut your hair, I love that. So if you want to just go straight into it. Well, I happen to love bread. Yeah. And some of my favourite breads that I would like to start with in these restaurants are, I do like a garlic bread.

Sucker for it. Yeah. But I probably would never open with it in a restaurant because you're in a, usually in an Italian place, I usually have a pizza. So it's mad to have garlic bread and then a pizza. Especially when the garlic bread comes in a pizza format, right? Format was interesting there.

Thank you. Yeah. Would you say formati? Um, formati! Can do. I don't think you should be telling me everything I have to say. Sometimes when you order, you don't know what format the garlic bread's going to come in, right?

So you might be in an Italian restaurant and you go, go on, I have a bit of garlic bread before my pizza. And then it comes in, it's a pizza. And you know, you've got another pizza on the way. So you might have one thing in your thought bubble above your head. And then when it's placed in front of you, that doesn't match up with your thought bubble. Yes, exactly.

Also, Ed, one of Ed's favourite. Ed Gamble. Ed Gamble. Yes. One of his favourite dishes is the marmite and garlic, cheese bread. Yeah. Cheese and marmite garlic bread from Yard Sale Pizza.

You love it. So I regularly get that and then a pizza and it really is double pizza. No, I've never seen that or heard of it. Yeah. I mean, look, you're talking to someone who used to go to a cafe where they would do a cheese, onion and marmite toasty. And I wasn't exactly swerving it. Let's put it that way.

Yeah. Was there something that was on their menu anyway, or was it specifically for you? Wasn't on their menu. It was an Indian restaurant. I'd have to take the whole lot in. This is Missala Zone. They would do that in Missala Zone, to be honest.

If you ask, it's not on the menu, but if you ask for it. Yeah. Look at it, boy. And if you bring some Warbetons and marmite, yeah, they're more than happy. And the Breville. Oh, and the Breville. Can I plug in?

Do you need to charge your phone? Sort of. No, I need to make a starter. Ever had a Breville? Well, I don't know, actually. I mean, I've got a George Foreman grill. That's not making a toasted sandwich, though. No, no, it's not.

But I mean, even you would have seen with the intonation that I was going to say some more stuff. Surely. Well, you left a big pause and you can't... The George Foreman, the whole idea is to drain the fat of what you're making. If you're doing a cheese sandwich and that, all the best bits pissing into the little tray.

You think I'm draining cheese? No, exactly. That's why we don't use a George Foreman for a toast. That's what I'm saying. I agree with you. If you want to make a toast, I haven't had a toasted sandwich maker since university. And a toasted sandwich maker, that's the point.

It's a discreet maker of toasted sandwiches. You can't do anything else in it. You're putting everything you need in. You're butchering the top. You're butchering the bottom. You're butchering everything. I mean, I'm butchering my tongue. I mean, everything.

Butcher everywhere. And then slam it down. And then that stuff is... You know, you're making something that is crispy and dangerously hot. And actually, it's not enjoyable to eat. I think you're wrong. I've just bought a Breville.

Reintroduced one to our life. It's changed my life. That changes life. I've said the wrong thing. It's lovely to eat. I've really done it this time. Yeah. Uh-oh.

Backlash alert. So what are you using to make your toasted sandwiches? I'm not making toasted sandwiches now. I'll do them under the grill sometimes. And actually, you know, there's something to be said for that, because it's sort of quite old-school, and it's sort of...

It's a version of a toasted sandwich. There's no shame in it, certainly, I don't think. Look, I mean, we're going down a rabbit hole. The point being, I like lots of different types of bread. Yes. And, you know, we can't obviously touch upon them all right now. Can do. Top three.

Um, okay. I would say a fresh... Well, this isn't the way that you're meant to list a top three. Oh, number three. Yeah, number three. And then you say hello. Oh, sorry. Number three.

Hello. I've just got a fresh baguette from a Boulangerie in France. Lovely. Yes. Bite the end off on the way home. Could do, yeah, might do. Yeah. Nibble the end?

Nibble the end, and might, to be fair, stick the old pour in and scoop out some dough. Really? Maybe. From the middle. Yeah, from the middle. Number two. Hello.

I appear to have just found some granary bread from a traditional English bakery. Very nice. Oh, wow. Granary. Just covering off any backlash you might have from Patriots there. Yes. You said French, and then you were like,

you started to worry that the old Union Jack Twitter profiles are becoming for you? Yes, exactly. And just to take one outside of Europe, number one, hello. Hello. I've just found a naan, and oh, that's a shame. I've found some red mints in it.

That's a kimono. It's a shame that you found the red mints? Well, a little bit of a wink there, to be honest. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, there's some red mints inside my naan. I appear to have got a kimono. And sometimes I'll get a kimono, and actually, I'm not averse to putting the kimono

in the toaster in the morning. Really? Yeah, and having that with some poached eggs. Oh, lovely. And that is what is known as lifestyle choice. Do you count that as one of your three Indian meals in the week? No, that would be. No, no, that's a bonus.

That's floating Indian. Freebie there. That's a freebie. Yeah. That's a freebie. Yeah, lovely. I mean, so is that your bread that you want? Is it the kimono?

Nope, I'm taking poppidoms. OK. Because actually... So James was right, immediately? James was right. I actually love the... Look, it's a process, isn't it? And it's a performance, you know?

That whole, can we get some poppidoms? And then those dips come, and, you know, some twerp in your party, karate chops the poppidoms. Can I just say, you say twerp. Oh, yeah, I've got it. I can totally imagine you being that person. It's you every time. It must be you every time, leaning over with that look.

When you go, you glaze over and you turn into a chimp. You do. You do to a mischievous chimp, and you do things like smash the poppidoms. You love that. Or you lean over, and you look at a saw cheekly, and you say, shall I be mother? And then you chop it.

No. You've done that before. No, no, no, no. No, and I'll tell you why, because I don't chop it. I slap it. OK. No, you don't chop your slap. I slap.

Slap's better than the chop. Well, I think the slap's more spectacular, because, I mean, it is carnage. And no one can get any... No one can find a shard after that that's large enough to actually go into a dip and come out alive. And the reason people are chopping it

is because it's a bit more courteous. It's the thin side of your hand, and you're going full palm, just slapping the whole thing. Yeah, let the palm, and then palm straight down all the poppidoms. Shall I be mother? Yeah, sparkling water and poppidom, yeah. Yeah. That's chaos key coming in there,

where you turn up. I'd also get a drink at that point, I think. Yeah, sure. And so maybe it's worth getting a drink now. I think so, yeah. Is it first and many? You switching it up, or are you one drink all night? I'll keep the same drink all night, I reckon.

OK, so we're going to do drink now. Interesting. We do drink now. We can do it later. I don't want to bug the format. No, come on. If it's when you normally get it. Well, I'll probably get a...

Talking a... What's happening here? Cobra. Rising out the basket? No, I wouldn't get a cobra rising up out the basket. No, I think I'll be playing my flute and having a kingfisher rising out the basket. Bit of a surprise for everyone.

You think you know what's going to come out of that basket? I think I'm drawing a crowd. What's the difference? I think I just prefer the flavour of kingfisher. But, you know, you're right. I mean, my taste buds are as adult as yours. I don't know. And actually, it's not my favourite drink.

I mean, I just think it's a circumstantial thing where it is the perfect bedfellow for poppidons and dips. So this is interesting. Some people choose to just pick their favourites out of everything and it doesn't necessarily go together as a meal. Yeah. You're very much here to have a consistent meal that all goes together.

Are you asking me or telling me? I'm sort of doing both. Yeah. Well, actually, you should do neither. Right, OK. Because that's not what I'm doing and you'll see that when I order my starter. Interesting.

But you've got the kingfisher, so you've got to drink to accompany the poppidons. So that's why I'm asking, maybe we'll switch to another drink later. Maybe we will, because you're going to have egg in your face in a minute when I mention my starter. Oh, no.

Yeah. Anyone who's in a gig with you in Bush Hall knows that the whole night is you talking about who's going to go for an Indian after this. Oh, I do my set as well. Who's coming? No, I don't. I do.

Your set is mainly talking about the Indian, isn't it? My set is mainly me muttering into the microphone now then. There's one, I think there's one on... Is there one on Gold Hawk Road? Now we've got to go... Yeah, I'm doing... I will tell a joke. To be fair, Tim,

that doesn't sound completely different to what your sets are like. Wow. I'm going to... I'm going to struggle, but I'm going to have to try and take that as a compliment. But I don't know whether I'm going to get that one across the line quite.

You think my sets are me muttering to myself and occasionally noticing there's an audience. Well... Would you not be tempted, Tim, with your poppadoms to have a lovely glass of Indian wine? Now then. Now, why do you think this has come up? I think this has come up because I sometimes

buy you wines from around the globe. Tim's got into a little habit of buying me wines from around the globe. That's nice. Oh, there's no shame in that. Lovely. He goes quite obscure, I'd say. Well, he doesn't try to go obscure. He finds himself going obscure.

There's nothing I'd like to do more than buy you a French red, but that just hasn't been an option thus far. To end up at my house, it was a very nice gesture on, I guess, what should have been our wedding day. Mine and my wife's, not mine and Tim's. With a bottle of wine, he was on his bike, just stood outside the house.

Complete surprise. Lovely. He went, I bought you a bottle of wine. It's Israeli wine. Nice. I bought it from a shop. The man pushed me towards it. I was like, what sort of shop was it?

He went, it was a culture shop. So it was a lovely bottle of Israeli wine. He only had Israeli wine in the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found this out sort of gradual dawning as I was looking around the whole shop and sort of seeing, I don't know, like French, Australian, Chilean.

But actually, every single label I looked at said Israeli. Eventually, you sort of have to get the Israeli wine, which I hadn't heard much about. I must say it wasn't really flashing that brightly on the old radar, the old Israeli wine. Well, I did drink that and it was fine, I'd say. Yes, it's certainly not a slogan that they should be headlining their advertising way.

I did drink that and it was fine. The Indian wine I've still got. Are you still going on that one? Still going on that one. I'm not sure how that one's going to be because I did look up the reviews of that one. There are only two reviews and I think it was hovering around a sort of 1.7 out of 5.

Oh, with two reviews? Yeah, and one of them was 0. Yeah, one was a 0. Yeah. So a 0 and a 3.4. A 0 and a 3.4. And the 3.4, I'm pretty sure, was one of the winemakers. That's amazing if you've made the wine,

you're giving it 3.4. Yeah. I can't in all good consciousness give this 5.4. I will drink it though. I tell you what, when this episode comes out, I will do a tasting. Oh, nice. I'll put it online, the tasting of the Indian wine.

Oh, nice. Well, he said stuff like this before and he doesn't do it. He said that he'd eat a pop of dom sandwich in the bath and he's never done that and he swore blind that he'd do it. That's a great idea. All right, well, if I drink the Indian wine, will you film yourself having a pop of dom sandwich in the bath? Yeah, I'll do that.

Yeah, I mean, that is ultimate Tim Key, isn't it? Being in the bath, eating pop of doms. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's, you can't get more Tim Key than that. Yeah, that's peak Tim Key. I love a bath, I love pop of doms, but I've never combined them. Yeah, by the time.

So you film yourself doing that and Ed will do the wine tasting. Do you want me to film it? Okay, you can't send a crew. Send Benito around? It'd be nice to have Benito. I mean, it's a bit of a cramped bathroom, but I'm sure you could get your equipment in. I will wear trunks.

I'll put that out there now. I'll wear little black trunks. Yes, LBT's. LBT's. I'll put the LBT's on. I've been being filmed eating a pop of dom sandwich in the bath. Yeah. Let's get on to this starter

that apparently is going to blow Ed's mind. Well, it's not going to blow it, but like I just feel like he's got a reading. He thinks he's got a reading. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. I think we're on an Indian meal now. So I think you are about to change my mind.

Okay. I'm going to go for the... Can I take the baked camembert, please, James? Oh, yes, you may. Yeah, you've surprised me there. Yeah, yeah. You have surprised me. Yeah, baked camembert.

So why are we veering off here? Well, what's so glorious about the baked camembert that it beats all of the... Have you had baked camembert? Yeah, yeah. I think it's fantastic. I like it. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's just so decadent. It's very hearty. Also, I get... I think I started playing the system here because I would imagine I'd probably get to have bread with this. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Unless...

I mean, you could also... You could dip a shuttle to a poppadom in there, can you? I don't think I want to... I don't think I want those two things to... People across the streams. That's it. I don't want to cross the streams.

That's exactly the phrase I was looking for. I don't want to cross the streams. Right, okay. But you know that you'd be tempted. I wouldn't even be tempted to... But would I be tempted to dunk poppadoms in a cheese? Just to see what it was like. I think that'd be great.

Do you think so? Right, here we go. Spicy poppadom dunked in camembert with a little bit of mango chutney on the top. I think that would be absolutely incredible. You know more about food than me. I wouldn't even know where to start with that. That's insane. It's just cheese and crackers with chutney, then.

I think you might have to have a reinforced poppadom because I think, you know, what you're trying to pick up here, it's not child's play, the camembert. It's like depending on how late into the proceedings it is. When it first comes out of the oven, when you first cracked the white, you know, sort of soft shell of the exterior with the cracked black pepper and the olive oil, once you've cracked that...

And how are you cracking that? Palm slap? I think I'd have to go chop. I'd have to go chop. I'd have to go chop for that. That would be too much carnage. Shall I be mother and then straighten? Palm straight into molten cheese.

I did a shall I be mother to Alex Horn once. And I must say, it was in Edinburgh and his parents were there. And I did a shall I be mother and it was with a pie. And actually, there was a slight element of people looking at Horn as if to say, he probably shouldn't be mother. But I think if you're ordering a pie, and no, I don't know whether I agree with this now. I was going to say, if you're ordering a pie, you're sort of slightly taking your life into your own hands.

But actually, you should be allowed to have a pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not on them. So when you say you did it to a pie, either shall I be mother and slap the pie? Yeah, yeah. But I don't think, I think... In an attempt to cut the pie. Well, there's a couple of things here.

I think you're trying to get into the community, the idea that I have a catchphrase, which is shall I be mother? Oh, don't you worry. That's already, that's done now. Yeah, that's done. That's crystal. There will be people across the country having Indian meals, saying shall I be mother and then slap the pie?

Yes, that's happening, is it? Yeah, then explain it. Is that the power of this podcast? That is the power of this podcast. Shall I be mother is now part of the public consciousness. Horrible power this podcast has. I mean, the irony is, I'm going to start doing that. And I've never done that before.

Not with the catchphrase. I think you have. I think you definitely have. Not with the catchphrase I have. I think I'm a baby do-it-that. So, yeah, I'm not, I'm not, I must say, spearing my camembert with my Bobadom. The Bobadom has done the waiters taken away the Bobadom

and actually they've now changed their waiting staff to be slightly more French. And they've delivered me a camembert with the French bread and I'm just, you know, horrible phrase, smearing cheese. Yeah, yeah. So that that's part of the dream meal as well is the people bringing you the different courses they're from the nations where the dishes are from as well.

That's fantastic. Yeah. Okay. That's great. Sorry, you were asking me. I was asking you, do you want that? Of course I want that. With Ed, you have very, it's very difficult for you to tell

if Ed's asking a question or doing a statement, isn't it? Do you know what? I like it. For all his fault. I hate this one. And now I do. Not putting you against it. No, no, no, but I do like it.

But what I would say is I will take a glass of red wine actually this stage, James, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From France or from Israel or India? Oh, take an Israeli French, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll have that with the... Israeli French, yeah.

I'll have that with the... With the Camembert. With the Camembert. With the Camembert. With the lovely glass of Israeli French. With the Camembert and fresh French bread. Well, let me ask you this. You got the fresh French bread.

Yeah. Baguette. You take it back from the bakery, maybe. You've nibbled the top off. Oh. You've eaten the inside like you said you do sometimes. So you've kind of just hollowed it out. Yeah.

Do you want to just pour in the Camembert, liquid cheese, into the middle of that baguette just to see what that's like? Have a bite. I would not at all be against that. You wouldn't do that. Be against that. Oh, you wouldn't be against that.

I wouldn't, I know. Yeah. I went on a real roller coaster there. But my real worry is that actually, I don't think the phrase pour is quite right. I mean, on paper in... I suppose this is a dream restaurant, isn't it? But in a dream restaurant, I think you're pouring it in

and that's going splendidly. But I think in real life, it's started to set. It's not going to pour, are you just spooning it in? I think you're almost, you know, getting clumps out with your hand and forcing it in. Yeah. Do a lot with your hands, don't you? Can I have cutlery at this meal?

Yeah. I can. Yeah? Oh. I'll take the cutlery. Because we've had so far... I don't need it so far. We're slapping the poppies.

Yeah. You're gulping from your hands that you've scooped the water up with. Oh, that's true, actually. Well, you wouldn't expect me to fork into my mouth, to be fair to you. It's just a lot going on with your hands, which is fine.

There's a lot going on with my hands. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Would you say that to any of your guests? You know, your high-profile guests, would you use phrases like, there's a lot going on with your hands? Only the ones who turn up and so far,

every single course has been eaten with your hands. Yeah. We'd have to flag it up. You're very instinctive. You're like a little bear running around. Do you know what, there's another dish that's on my books here, which is also very much...

It's with the pincers, because I don't think there's not a person in the world who would eat my side dish with a knife and fork. OK, good to know. Yeah. Are you putting garlic cloves in the camera there before you bake it, maybe some rosemary?

Yes, I'll do both of those things, I think. Both? Um, yeah. Rosemary can take a hike, in my opinion. Oh, no fan of rosemary. Have you used rosemary in any cooking? I don't use it, but I've had it before in dishes

and I've never been a fan of it. What about if it's with its natural bed fellow, the old sheepy... I'll accept it if it's with the sheepy, but I'm going to eat round it, I don't want to bite into the rosemary. I personally, if it's on a bit of a bugbear of mine, I hate the phrase eat round.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's appalling. Go on. There's nothing to go on, I just said, that's eat round. Yeah. Just get on with it. You want to eat through?

When was the last time you ate round? Well, it would be when I was eating the sheepy and there's some rosemary in there, but like... Do you like the flavour of rosemary, or are you just eating round the leaves because of the texture? Right, sure.

I don't like the leaves because the texture, but I also don't like the flavour of it that much. Hey, James. It doesn't do much for me. In future, why don't you flick off and eat through? Yeah. Maybe, I mean, look, you can flick off when they're not looking,

the people you're eating with, and then you can just eat through. Otherwise, would you eat round in company? Oh, probably not in company. But you wouldn't flick off in company, would you? To be fair, you wouldn't have sheepy if you're not in company. When would you have sheepy on your own? You wouldn't have silo sheepy, would you?

No. And who's roasting a sheepy on their own? You can't tell me what to do in company. No, no, no. You've quite... You've come to pie and said shall I be mother in company? Well, I haven't said shall I be mother. And it was a slap.

You slapped a pie in front of Horne's parents. What was in the pie? Um... I'm just trying to remember it on his mother's blouse. I think it was sort of from... Certainly gravy. So there must have been some lumps of... Was it sheepy?

I don't know. I think it was beefy. I thought it was beefy, both of them. Yeah, beefy. Oh, you don't want that in the pie. Hey, I want to know about your main course. The one I've got down in my mind's eye is... But I don't know what...

You know, this is the one I'm least kind of decisive about. I've gone for a chicken shakuti. Yes. You guessed it. Yeah. And... This means a lot. I introduced you to this.

Yeah, you did. Wow. Yeah, me and James played Gigan Shoreditch, probably about seven years ago, I reckon. And then we went for an Indian. James was desperate, so to speak. In Shepherd's Bush. Yeah.

I was desperate. Yeah, he ordered one. And he said I always get a chicken shakuti, and I'd not heard of it, and I had it. And yeah, I always look for it now on the menu. Yeah. It's a fantastic dish, isn't it? Yeah, it's great.

Talk me through it. I've never had one, never heard of it. Talk it through it. So it's difficult to talk people through it. But like, so I got into it because when I worked... One of the pubs I worked at, they just started stocking them. He's got such a humble backstory. It's fantastic.

Did you literally work in a pub? You're a superstar now. But you started off just pulling pints for people. That's mad. I was in the kitchen. Yeah, you didn't even pull the pints. You weren't even allowed out in front of the house. No, I wasn't even in front of the house.

Just this sort of, you know, lanky drink of water, just sort of, you know, is white gown covered in spaghetti. Now look at what it's three Netflix specials for. Four, please. Yeah, there we are. White gown. White gown? What?

White gown? White gown. That was a bride. Yeah, white cookie spaghetti. A bride covered in spaghetti. The runaway porter. That was my beginnings. Carrying out massive black sacks

with meat juice sort of splaying onto his trainers. Now look at you. Exactly that. You know, you're like, you're hosting TV shows. You've got a very popular podcast. You're part of the conversation. You are. So you were working in this, in this kitchen, out back.

Yeah. Zacuti. And so we started doing these. Have you picked a curry based on the one you like to say the most and the one that sounds funniest? So on the thing about the spell X-A-C-U-T-I. Yeah. We're told to say it's Zacuti.

Yeah. Tim has, I think, done his research a bit more and goes with a bit more. Well, yeah, I've spent a couple of weeks preparing for the pod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's proper chicken curry. But it just meant that every time I saw it on a menu,

I just had some weird personal connection to it because we had so many of them for so long in the kitchen. And it wouldn't always be on an Indian menu, but every time it was, I'd go for it. And then I said it to Tim. You know, like a lot of things that I say on this podcast where like you and Benito will say, that's the most boring thing you've ever said on the podcast.

I remember being in the restaurant and saying to Tim, I'm going to get chicken Zacuti because I always get one when there's one on the menu. I thought to myself, well, that's the most boring thing I've ever said. And then Tim went, I'm going to get one as well. And I go, oh yeah, because luckily I'm talking to Tim who appreciates.

I'm very yes and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say so. Do you know what my brother gets when he's at an Indian restaurant? No. Right. Any idea? Any guess?

I'm going to go for... Joe Frazi. No, always the same, Joe Frazi. Always the same. Always the same. Always the same. It's always on the menu. But Buna.

No, not a Buna. Tika Masala. He gets a chicken curry. His thinking is, that is their standard. That's what they've nailed that. And they base every single dish on that. He's thinking, I'm going to get that out of sauce. It's like drinking fresh milk straight out of the udder.

He gets a chicken curry. It doesn't waste his time worrying, vexating about all this other stuff that's on the menu. He'll have a chicken curry. Now I'm the other way. I like going to an Indian restaurant. It's fantastic. But I'll pour over that menu.

Looking for stuff and just think, I don't know what I'm getting. So I don't really have a go-to. But that's the beauty of the chicken jacuti. It's not on every menu. So when it's on, if I see it, I will usually get that and often text James. Don't know what it is.

No one's told me what it is yet. So here's what's great about it. Tim might agree with me here. Is that... I will definitely agree. I don't care what you say. I'm a yes and. He's a yes and.

Aside from the chicken, everything else just seems to be up for grabs. Yeah, it's one of the most up for discussion dishes I've seen in my life. Yeah. Every time I order it, I actually don't know what I'm about to get. And I don't think I've ever had two the same,

even from the same restaurant. No. There's a place near me that does it. And I've got it several times from there. So there's no official chicken jacuti. There was a period of time where I thought... They just leave into it. Well, there was definitely a bit where I thought,

well, there's definitely coconut. But I don't think there always is. I think it's sort of, you know, come one, come all. I mean, I think if you've got coconut, bang it in. But actually, there's no shame in putting some cashews and seeing your salute. So according to the official Wikipedia. Here we go.

What is in here? So you're telling me this is useless, really, because no matter where you go, it's different anyway. Well, that's what I find. But that's my, you know... Well, that's what I also find exactly the same thing. Well, your yes and.

Yeah, yes and, yeah. So it's got poppy seeds in it. I've never detected that before. Sliced or grated coconut. Coconut, yeah. Large dried red chilies. It definitely is. It's got some spice in it.

Oh, it's got a bit of kick. Yeah. That's the beauty of it. It's not a gourmet. You can have it chicken lamb or beef. And it's known as chacuti in Portuguese. Right. Oh, it's interesting to round off your Wikipedia reading

with what it's called in Portuguese. Do you always do that? Yeah. Most of the time. The me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes and. Yes and.

Yes and isn't. I mean, it's delicious. Whatever. Oh, it's fantastic. There you go. Yeah, I have it with some rice usually. Yeah. What kind of rice do you go for?

Do you know what I sometimes have? Plain rice. I? Quite like plain rice. See, this is exactly the thing you were making fun of your brother for. Yes, it is actually. Oh, it wasn't making fun.

I was describing my brother's behaviour. In such a way as. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if, you know, if people. In a way, you'll never guess what my brother does. If people want to have fun with the information, then they're more than.

Well, my brother has fun with it. Yeah, yeah. My brother tells people and he can't believe he's saying it. Yeah, he knows. Would he have plain rice as well? Would he have chicken curry and plain rice? Because I know that. Yeah, probably would.

But I mean, you're talking about a guy who last week got trained to the Lake District, climbed Hellvelling, came back down and got home the same day. Wow. Wow. Yeah, took photos of himself on the top of it. I mean, it looked,

well, you could say it looks sort of pretty or snowy, but actually dangerous, I would say. Yeah, yeah, sure. He's just climbed that in January. He's home by 11. He's climbed Hellvelling. I mean, to be fair, he lives in Kendall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good point.

Yes, and... Also, what's interesting about this, so we've had one guest in the past who's really gone all in on Indian food and... They went for an Indian. Basically. And that was Diane Morgan. You said you went for a meal with Diane Morgan

in the show Afterlife. You were very mean to her. In my head now, this is what is kind of happening, is you and Diana going for a curry together. Yeah. Because you have very similar menus on off menu and you're telling her to get her elbows off the table. Yeah, yeah.

But I can't emphasise enough that this was an acting job rather than me and Diane. I think the cut says you were horrible to her. The public have spoken on that. You were horrible to her. I was horrible to Diane in that scene. But we had a great time. I've worked with Diane on several occasions

and she's one of the greats, in my opinion. You were so nasty to her. No, no, my character. My character was very nasty to her. I wouldn't have stood for it if you... No, no, no, no. You'd like that to Diane if I was there. Well, no, they say cut and I snap out of it.

Don't worry about that. I don't hit you, mate. No, I saw. No, no, no, no. I didn't see you snap out of it. No, you haven't seen the outtakes. Well, they'll come out. Don't worry about that.

They pushed the outtakes on that show. I was laughing along. Don't worry about that. You look like an idiot if you're not laughing along with the outtakes. Yeah, I mean, it must be hard. That would be so funny if you watch an outtakes package for a show

and they just pan round and one of the actors is just up there looking. Just trying to get on with it. Yeah, just wants to get on. Come on, guys. I'm going to map this up. So I think it's interesting that you've picked a main course, Tim, that is variable wherever you go.

Is there a specific chicken shakuti that you had and you're like, this is the definitive shakuti for me and I hope the next one's like this as well. There's a good chicken shakuti in Memsarbe in Islington. Great. We've got a name.

Is that the one? Is that the one? Is that the one? Is that the one? Is that the one? No. No. No, the Sata place

is my favourite Indian in London. And you refuse to mention it. He just, he's fantastic. He's not always there. Yeah, but you're swerving name in the restaurant still. On my birthday, I booked a table for 10 and this guy was there and I think that's because the manager

had said, let's get the Sata player in. I'm going to Google now. There we go. Indian restaurant with a Sata player in London. It might be a few. Yeah, it might be a few. Well, I don't know. It's not like he said banjo player.

I wouldn't mind listening to banjo music in an Indian. Yeah. I don't know. Imagine it. And Joe, what I'd say to that restaurant, if there was a banjo player in an Indian, I'd say, do you do deliverance? Do you do deliverance?

Why would you be in the Indian restaurant? Well, normally you ask to do delivery, but then there's a film deliverance where there's like a band, a famous Jordan Banjo thing. But you wouldn't ask that if you were in the restaurant. Do you do delivery? Yes, James.

Yes. And I'll tell you why, because in lockdown, I remember going to a restaurant and it was on my allocated hour of exercise. Yes. And then I go in there and I say, do you do delivery? Because I wanted an Indian later that night.

Right, OK. Now, if there'd been a banjo player, I think I absolutely could have said, do you do deliverance? Why would there have been a banjo player in lockdown at an Indian restaurant? Well, I don't know, the restrictions were, obviously, there was a breath to them,

but I don't remember the specific no banjo players in Indian restaurants. It would seem like a waste of money on the Indian restaurant's part to hire entertainment for a restaurant that was shut. Yeah, that's true. But then again, you know, you can sort of imagine some businesses

would keep people on, even though they knew that it was mad to do so. Because they didn't want to put them on furlough. Yeah. Yeah. So, I would say there was probably quite a lot of locked up theatres where they kept doing the play.

I think Mousetrap went from strength to strength in lockdown, because I saw them when they unlocked and they looked very slick. I think they'd really got their act together. Different murderer as well. I think they'd had fun with it. They workshopped it.

Have you seen the Mousetrap? Yeah, I have actually, yeah. I don't know who did it. Don't spoil it. Well, why would I spoil it on this podcast? I mean, that would be carnage from Mousetrap. I think I've seen all of them, all the plays. Have you?

What's your favourite? All the big ones. What's your favourite one? We've been in black like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's still going, is it? It's been going for a long time. My phone went off in that one.

Couldn't find it. What I would say is, my personal favourite at the moment is probably your friend and mine come from away. I've really, I've not seen that. It's on Disney Plus now. I was thinking of watching it on that, but I should go and see it live.

Oh, it's fantastic. Shapper. What? That's the restaurant? Yeah. No. That's a good effort. Baber G? Tim.

Okay. Do you want to know my side dish? Yeah. Okay. It is, and it's not really a side dish. And actually, it's maybe a starter if that. But when you're just sort of dreaming about what food you like and what food you remember,

I just remember this food, and I've only had it once. And it was in Rome. And I was outside a little restaurant having lunch in the sunshine about three years ago before the lockdowns. This is an oven roasted artichoke. Oh, yeah. All in one.

Oh, yes. They bung it in the oven or however they cook it. It's smothered in something, olive oil and, you know, black pepper maybe? A bit of lemon. A bit of lemon, something. And I'm just having this pint of beer, or not even a pint, because it's Italy.

It's like a glass, a flute. Yeah, yeah. And next to it, there's this artichoke. And what the idea is, again, there's no knives and forks, you're pulling off this, you're pulling off the flowers. And you're just eating these flowers, and they're melting in the mouth. And actually, I've had some food in my time,

probably like you too. But this is one of the great examples of food. Yeah. Just really nice food. Cidricle straight up, presented as it comes in nature. Yeah. I think they must parboil it to some extent. Oh, don't use places like that.

Wack it in the oven. Don't take the romance out of it. Don't kill the artichoke while it's not as bad as eat round. You're doing a lot of eating round with an artichoke though. No, no, no, no, you're picking. You're plucking. Yeah, but then you're eating round, aren't you? When you get one of those in your mouth,

there's certain bits you're eating, and you're eating round some bits. Because you're not eating the whole leaf, are you? You're sucking the bottom, really. I think you're eating the whole leaf. You're not, mate. If you did that, I think you've had an absolute nightmare. Very small leaf.

I think I was eating the whole leaf. How? Isn't it like really dense and woody? And would you eat the whole leaf? Well, I don't know enough about, you know. I mean, I had a similar thing recently, and just popped it in the mouth. What was the similar thing?

How similar was it? Was it a cream egg? Yeah, yeah. It was a cream egg with olive oil, lemon, and black pepper. It was a cream egg. Oh, it's artichoke. But they, I don't know, deep fried it in like... That's what it is, deep fried.

It's deep fried. It's not an oven baked. With cheese and ham in it, parma ham. Oh, wow. And then they gave it to you, and then you just put it in the mouth all in one piece. Where's that? It was when I went to San Sebastian.

Oh, lovely. And they gave it to you, too, though. Yeah. They do loads of small dishes there that aren't called tapas and they're called something else, and I've forgotten what they're called. Pink toss. Pinchots, yes.

And I was going around eating those, and just as I was leaving, they were like, you haven't tried the best one. And I was like, well, I'll have it then. And they said, okay, we'll quickly do it for you. Red hot, hot as the sun. Gave it to me. Scorched all the skin in my mouth,

but it was absolutely delicious. Loved it. Man. Wow, that's... So I think we're talking about two different things there, Tim. Right. I guess if you're deep frying, and they've probably sorted the leaves out a little bit,

so you can just pop the whole thing in your mouth and... I don't know what was going on. I mean, I just... You've put doubt into my mind, and you've made me think I'm like, literally like sitting at a table eating a house plant. And now do you imagine like all of the waiters and stuff were inside like laughing at you

because you're basically eating a knife and fork? I think they're laughing into their palms. Oh, no. Sounds lovely, though. Well, it was lovely when I first started telling the anecdote, but Ed put a bit of a spanner in there. No, I think we were talking about two different things. I think you can still hold that memory.

I think what I want to do is get one of these things up on my phone just so I sort of know what I was eating, really. So it's artichoke... Why are they doing that? Can you tell us the area of London that your favourite curry restaurant is in? Yeah. Yeah.

Sort of NW... Maybe one? NW1. I think it's NW1. Right, so here's the artichoke. Oh, I don't know now what I've eaten. So you don't know what it was? I don't know what it was.

In the name of the place? Rome. Tim, I think that artichoke dish sounds absolutely fantastic. Well, I've got a slight wobble on it. I'm a bit no-and about it, but what I do remember is really enjoying it in Rome. Yes. And so I think what I probably will have to do

is just keep that on my menu. Yeah. Italian waiter. I'd love an Italian waiter to come out. Beer. Yeah, he'll give me a beer and moretti, I think. Yeah. And then I do...

I've got a strong memory of having this. Italiano autentica. Yeah, Italiano autentica. Yeah, Italiano autentica. And then afterwards I had an Italian cigarette. Did you? Yeah, yeah, it was just like a sunny afternoon and I read my book.

Do you want the cigarette as well? Do you want him to bring you out the cigarette? I might have a mid meal, Sig. Yeah, why not? You're very cool, Tim. It's a very cool scene. Well, I was at that exact moment. I wasn't far off, let's put it that way.

Yeah, I think people were clocking you as they were walking past this little cool guy. Well, I was waving pretty extensively, so I would imagine some people were aware of what I was up to. I had my show reel out on my iPad. I was certainly meeting people halfway. Let's put it that way, James.

I think that sounds delicious. I think afterwards, on my way back to my living quarters, I went to a place where you could buy all sorts of different chili. Just a whole kind of boutique shop where you could just get lots of different types of chili, different strengths. Lovely.

Yeah. Did you buy some? Yeah, I bought quite a powerful one and had to think about maybe a third of a teaspoon, put it in a chili when I got home and completely edible because it was too hot and threw this stuff out. Because unfortunately, it was not workable

as something you could cook with. It was just more part of the vibe in Rome. Yeah, it's just there for a laugh. Always do that on holiday, though. Oh, gosh. Buy stuff like that and you're like, this is going to be me now. I know.

Holiday me is now me, me. Holiday me is now me, me. Yeah, it's a story as old as time. I remember buying in India a spice, I want to say sort of concertina, where it's just about 20 spices that sort of wrap up. And then when you unclip them, they just hang down. Oh, nice.

And then you've got all these spices. I mean, completely impractical. Probably illegal to import. But we are where we are. You buy anything when you're sort of plodding around India. When I was in Italy, I bought my mum a souvenir from a shop. It was a shop that did wood carvings.

And there was a, it was a spoon, a wooden spoon, that had standard design of a spoon. But then on the end, where there's normally just the handle, there's another spoon, another bowl. And then in between the two things, that's joined by this groove that's been cut into the wood. And what you're meant to do is, the guy said it's so that if you're making a soup,

you get the bit of the soup that you want to taste, to tell you if it's good. And you can just tip it, and then it will go down that little river in the middle of the groove, and it will go into the other way. And you can sip out that in so that the part, the part of the spoon,

the part of the spoon that you're putting into the soup isn't the same part that you're putting into your mouth. I think that's genius. So I thought, ah, my mum's going to use this all the time. It's going to be great. I bought it part for you. I said, look, I've got this present from Italy.

And when I was over for Christmas this year, I saw it there and it could see it had been used. Oh, it'd been used. And I was like, oh, mum, you've been using that? She was like, oh, no, I just leave it next to the oven. And I just test the soup with like a normal spoon. And then I just rest it on that one so it's not on the counter.

So it's just there. It's just there. It's a resting spoon? It's a resting spoon. It's still not, she's still using it. So she's not putting a dirty spoon onto the, straight onto the work surface. A resting spoon.

Yeah. I've got an egg that you put in with your boiled egg. What? I've got an egg that you put in with your boiled egg that's got a timer on it. So it's like an electric egg. And it flashes when it's been in there long enough so you take both eggs out.

I don't think that's true. So this is an egg and you put it in with your normal egg. And when you're... Do you mean it's an egg timer in the shape of an egg? Because you're not supposed to put those in the water. Oh, well, I've been putting mine in the water. And it flashes. Well, not flashes, sort of melts a bit.

Cracks. It cracks when your egg's ready. It cracks. Yeah, sticks to the side of the pack. So your dream drink, we've already said. Is that right? So do you want another one? Because we're having like...

You seem to be having a little drink with every course, which is nice. That's fine. That's occasionally allowed people to do that. Well, I'm okay for a drink now, thanks. I'll just carry on with my Italian, Italiano autentica. Yeah, Italiano autentica. And then...

But we'll have one more drink at the end, if I may. Maybe with you two chaps. Yes, of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And I know what that one will be. What will that be? Well, we'll cross that branch, but it'll be an amaretto.

Yeah. Definitely be an amaretto. Okay, so your dessert then? Well, look, let's not beat around the bush here. My dessert is a banoffee pie. However, I'm slightly going against what I said earlier, because I'm getting a banoffee pie and I'm a friend. This won't go down well.

I'm eating round it. Well, I don't like cream. You don't like cream? No. So you're eating round the cream, which is on the top all over it. Yes. I'm eating round it, but I'm committed to it. Oh, I'm sure you can eat round it.

I will eat round it. Are you flipping the pie over? I've eaten this, I've eaten a lot of banoffee pies, and I always know what I'm in for. I know there's a little bit of building work to be done. Yeah. I know I'm getting the old trowel out, and I know I'm eating round. So you're eating round or are you scraping off?

Do you know what, if I'm being completely honest, I'm scraping off. Because you can't say you're going to eat round after you told James to flick off. Yeah. You told me to flick off earlier. Yeah, I did tell you to flick off. And what did you do?

Something wrong, didn't you? No, you've been okay. No, I've been great. In your head. Maybe you've put it in your head. Yeah, I've put it in your head out loud. Yeah, yeah. Look, I'm scraping off then.

Yeah. I'm scraping off, and the people I'm eating with, are they enjoying my behaviour? Probably not, because I'm putting cream into a napkin. And then also kind of clumping the napkin up, like Dick Whittington, both of his Bindle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You taking that with you?

It wouldn't surprise me if, and I know this is not what you do in some of the classier restaurants, if I put my napkin Bindle full of cream in my Anorak, and disposed of it on my way home. Yeah, I mean, if I'm with you, though, I am taking the cream, but if you don't let me, and you have a little cream Bindle, and you put it in your pocket,

I'm smacking your pocket immediately. Yeah, can I be like that? Yeah, come here, mother. Smack. See you next time. I would definitely say see you next time after I've done it. I do not want my exploded cream in my pocket, really. No.

Well, maybe since I know that, I can either make sure that that pocket has nothing in it, so when the cream Bindle comes in, I know it's going to be low maintenance to get it out. Or I could even take it to a tailor and have it lined with waterproof. Yeah, like a trick pocket. Yes, can you line my pocket with Gore-Tex, please?

Because I'm going to a restaurant with James A. Castellate. And I plan on putting a Bindle of cream in there. I'll definitely put a cream in my pocket, and he'll definitely hit it. So if someone, if they're you're in a restaurant where it was sort of a sharing concept, and the dessert was they'd bring a whole Benofi pie at the end, bearing in mind how much you love Benofi pie,

how tempted would you be to shall I be mother? I can honestly say, if you're there with the horns, all the horns are there. Well, to be fair, I've... Cream horns? I've... Mrs. Horn's worn a black top. She's in black, is she?

She's in black because she knew what happened last time with the gravy when she was in her white blouse. So she's in black, and now this big cream you've been off in pie arrives at the table. So she's in mourning. Well, I mean... Or should we say the cream horns? Ah, the cream horns is good.

The cream horns is good. Well, look, I'll say right off the bat, I have retired from shall I be mother with the horns? Have you? I think so because you don't seem to quite understand... Get a strong word, didn't he, with you after that? No one had any words with me, but the atmosphere in the pub after I'd been mother with the pie was...

I don't use this word lightly. Untenable. I like very poor, very, very poor. I mean, you know, I'm sat there with Horn, and you know, it's all intents and purposes, his parents are thinking, well, this guy's like, you know, important part of our son's life. He's a pal.

I'm Horn's son's godfather, so I'm actually the godfather of their grandchild. And then I'm mother, and there's gravy on them. You know, if they really put some thought into it, they're thinking, you know, should our son fall? This guy is taking charge of the youngster, and then they've got shall I be mother? As they're effectively their grandson's de facto father.

And actually, they're not in their de facto son-in-law. Yeah, shall I be... Should Horn fall? Shall I be son-in-law? Yeah, if... Should Horn fall? Should Horn fall? That Horn's not falling.

I mean, Horn's a very healthy guy, but should he fall? Yeah, I've got a certain responsibility. I'm not sure if you're the godfather of someone's children, if they fall, you become their parents' son, though. I don't think that's how it works, as far as I know. I think... But I'd certainly see a lot of them. I'm not saying that I've...

I'm not saying that if the son is doing something else, he's at school, I'm driving down to Sussex and spending the afternoon with his parents in my capacity as their new son. Should Horn fall? Should Horn fall? But I'm saying that there will be events, well, for a start-off, Horn's funeral.

Yeah, you're going to bump into them, though. Well, yeah, and I'll put it this way. I'm not walking around with a banoffee pie waiting for my moment. I think your brain would click into gear at that point. It's in the most inappropriate situations that that happens, right? So it should Horn fall, and you're at his funeral, and there was a morning pie.

Your brain's going, this is the perfect time for Shallowby Mother. It's what a horn would have wanted. I think the sleeper hit there was morning pie. I enjoyed morning pie. When was your last morning pie? I'll tell you mine. Yeah, December.

I had morning pies most days that month, and they were mince. How are you spelling morning? Yeah, exactly. Oh, M-O-R-N-I-N-G-A. Yeah, that's not what Ed was doing. Crosswise, there. Oh, I don't think I've ever had a morning pie. Yeah, wait, what you said, for me, it was December.

I was like, oh, God, what are we about to hear here? And he said, I had a most days that month. I was like, Jesus. Big month for you. Yeah, my entire sketch group went like that. Can't believe he kept this in the diary, coming in to do this. And then it's like, oh, no, it means he had a pie every morning.

I was talking about a morning pie. I'm ever so sorry. I didn't know the concept of a morning pie. Is there a morning pie? Well, there is a Horne's funeral. I was introducing the concept of the morning pie to see if you would shallow be mother it. Do you know what, I would, bearing in mind, of course,

that my catchphrase isn't shallow be mother. I think I'd be very surprised if I deb you, my shallow be mother material at Horne's funeral. Although I don't know, because I was disappointed not to be his best man. So actually, it might be slightly what goes around comes around. But that might be my catchphrase. Watto?

Is Watto my best man? Watto? No, Watto wasn't his best man. I don't even know. Horne knew anyone else. I guess that he'd got a brother, maybe? Yeah, he got a brother. But I had two brothers and they both did it.

Horne's got a lot of people on his books who could do it. You know, Horne's got friends. Don't worry about Horne. You think Horne's scratching about? Why don't you like the cream, though? Don't know. Never liked cream. Is it squirty cream or all cream that you're against?

Squirty. Well, it's all cream, really. I don't think there's a sort of a cream that sort of gets in under the radar. Not liquid double cream. Do you know why I bought some liquid double cream the other day to cook with? And I couldn't bear to put it in in the end. What were you cooking? Um, I'll tell you what it was.

It was, you know, your potatoes. Dauphin was. Oh, without cream? Well, without cream and actually without potatoes, because I got to take away instead. You asked me for a recipe once. I said, well, I don't think it went down great. So what was the recipe?

The courgette pasta stuff. It did go down great. Oh, it did. I mean, it went down great. Was it courgette pasta? It was this, yeah. You get your courgette and you just like put it in a wok for ages and then really mix it all up until it's like it becomes like a sauce

with the courgette and a bunch of other stuff. And then you, and then what you stir it through your pasta? Yeah. Parmesan, lemon. Yeah. Great, great, some lemon into it. Went everywhere when you slapped it, though, didn't it? Yeah, Shallow Bee Mother.

Slap. I don't do Shallow Bee Mother on my own. You do know that. Well, I don't know. Well, how do we know? Oh, yeah. In your most private of times? In lockdown, I did Shallow Bee Mother a couple of times

because I hadn't seen anyone for ages. I actually cooked a lamby. You did a solo lamby. So you're going back on everything you've said on this podcast? So, solo lamby and then it was like an advanced version of Shallow Bee Mother. Yeah. As you put it into the oven, you said Shallow Bee Mother? Oh, I bond it.

I got on my table, put the lamby on the coffee table, jumped off, and landed on my ass on the lamby. And gravy everywhere, but no horns, frocks to sort of defend it from the curtains. Yeah. That's a phrase. It was at that point, you're there. He sat butting the lamb.

Butting the lamb. The door goes. You answer it. Horns parents inform you that horns fallen. Horns fell in lockdown. He's fallen and we need you to look after it. I thought fucking lamb on your ass. We need you to look after our grandson.

Sorry, Mrs. Horn. I just did a massive Shallow Bee Mother. I'm going mad in here. And we're having a drink, are we, with this dessert? I think, well, can I tempt you to fantastic gentleman with an amaretto on the rocks? Yeah, sure. You can.

Marzipan. Liquid marzipan. Liquid marzipan. I've got an alt as well, if either of you would rather have a baileys. Interesting. But baileys is cream, isn't it? Yeah. I'm not having a baileys.

Oh, right. OK, so this is an alt for us. That's very nice of you. You wouldn't have. You would drink round the baileys. Oh, yeah, I would drink round. Horrible phrase. Yeah.

Scrape the baileys off. Well, I'd try and flick off the cream. Put it in a spindle. And then hang on myself away from you. That's got baileys is being poured straight into the Gore-Tex pocket, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Just pour it directly in.

Zip it up. Wait until you get to a bin. Unzip it. Into the pocket. I'll tell you what. Do you ever title these episodes? Because the Gore-Tex pocket has got a shout, hasn't it? Well, I think this would be called Shallow Bee Mother.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think people would be very perplexed if the Gore-Tex pocket became the title for this episode. I think we'd upset some people if we called it Horner's Fallen. Yeah, that would be very sad. Shit, Horne Fall. Shit, Horne Fall. Horne is, you know, Horne's one of the fittest people I know.

Yeah, yeah. I'm going to read your order back to you. Oh, great! Water, a large glass bottle. Yeah. Of sparkling ice and lime water. I will give you a brand. I think it's like...

All right, yeah, yeah. Highland Spring, that's easy. Tap water, waterwheel. Poppidoms of bread, you want poppidoms with a kingfisher. Yeah, but I life hack that with my next course. Starter, Bates Camembert with fresh baguette and Israeli red wine. Israeli French. Israeli French.

A bottle of Israeli French. I don't remember ordering the Israeli side of things, but I'm happy to take an Israeli French. You did. We've recorded it. We've recorded it. You said a glass of Israeli French is what you said. Oh, you're recording this?

Yes. Oh. Main course, chicken and shikuti with plain rice. Chicken and shikuti. Chicken. Is that what I said? Yes, and? You pan...

What I've noticed when you say chicken shikuti is you really panic on chicken. You really rush the chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're nervous about shikuti. Yeah, yeah. But you just need to relax on chicken, and then by the time you get to shikuti, you'll be fine. I've been saying chicken shikuti my whole life with a Z.

It's the X. It's the X that's the problem you've got. Shikuti, shikuti. Yeah, shikuti is chicken shikuti. Yeah, it's confusing. Side of the Rome artichoke with a Ben and Moretti and Italian cigarette and a Kalski book. Oh, I think that's fantastic. Yeah.

I hated talking about that artichoke because the more we talked about it, the more gross it sounded. It's lovely. No, I think it was a great choice. But I remember at the time I really, really liked it. It sounds nice. Yeah, okay. I think it sounds nice.

Yeah. Okay. Dessert. You're going to eat round a banoffee pie. I am, actually. Put a bundle of cream in your dork Gore-Tex pocket. Yeah, and then you're going to be mother. I'm going to be mother.

And then you would like us all three of us to sit down. Are we standing all four of us? Standing until this point, are we? Yep. Okay. And have an amaretto on the rocks. Yeah, take the weight off. Yeah.

I mean, that sounds good. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Can I get a black coffee at the end? Yeah, you can have a black coffee. Fantastic. I mean, that sounds very nice. And I'm very happy to see that I've influenced a course. You have, actually, because that would have been in the mid-2010s,

wouldn't it, that that occurred? Yeah. Before that, it wasn't even on my radar. It's now on my radar. Next time I go, I'm going to have chicken chaguti in the mind. Oh, it's really good. Yeah, yeah. Tim, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, real pleasure. Thanks for having me. Well, there we are, James. What a way to start the series. What a way to start it with a bang and so many catchphrases from there that I think we'll be hearing more of in the future. I think so, mate.

I think, you know, we kick off with a good menu, a lovely funny chat with Tim, and also we started a national phenomenon, Shall I Be Mother? Yeah, everyone's going to be doing that now. Everyone's going to do Shall I Be Mother, be it on Poppedoms, Pies, Puddings. And, you know, you know what to do?

When you've done a Shall I Be Mother, you have to take a photo afterwards of the company that you're with, get the reaction, and then tweet it at Timkey and put, I did a Shall I Be Mother. Or these people just got Shall I Be Mothered. I believe the Twitter handle you're looking for is at Timkeyperson.

Yes, at Timkeyperson. Or if you just want to put, you know, the photo and then just put Shall I Be Mother, make sure it's in speech quotation marks. Yeah. That's all you need. Perfect. Do go and buy Timkey's book.

Here we go around the Mulberry Bush and an anthology of poems and conversations from outside. It is published on February the 14th, 2022, Valentine's Day, and it's available in all bookshops, including Waterstones. And the ISBN number is 978-1916-222-6-6-3, and it's published by Utter & Press. Good to know.

What a lovely beginning. Also, thank you to Tim for not staying in Southern Comfort. Yes, thank you, Tim. Thank you. Pick nice drinks, actually, apart from the Israeli-French wine, which doesn't exist. Yeah, which I don't think he even intended to drink. No, no, no, no, no.

No, you did pick nice drinks. No Southern Comfort. Thank you, Tim. We've had some nice food recently, haven't we? We have. We've had quite a lot of wine sent to us in various formats, James, which has been very nice, because you know I'm a wine boy, I like wine.

Now, of course, we had Ed Sheeran on this show, and he talked about his Sendy Wine Club. Yeah, lovely club. Lovely club. Sounded great. I left thinking I'd like in on that club, actually. And he met our minds. Well, we're in on the club now,

because a couple of the guys from the Sendy Wine Club do actually have their own wine, Vinka canned wine. So they sendied some of that wine to us. They also very, very kindly included some cheese in my little pack of wine. Oh, did they? That's nice. Yes, the wine, very, very nice indeed.

Thank you. We also got some boxed wine from Laylo. Doesn't boxed wine have a terrible reputation? It does. And yeah, it doesn't deserve it, I don't think. Well, classically, I think it does deserve it, James. OK, yes, I don't want to talk about it. But this Laylo boxed wine, genuinely fantastic.

I had one of the red wines, and it's lovely to have it just out there, lasts for weeks, boxed wine, and you can just have a little splash now and again. You don't have to commit to opening a bottle and then going like, oh, God, I've got to have another glass. You just have a little bit, whenever you like, over a number of weeks, it was genuinely delicious wine.

Lovely. Thank you so much to those people who sent us the lovely wine. We've had a bit of a New Zealand rush on things as well, James. Ah, karma drinks. Karma drinks sent us their new ginger ale, ginger ale. Love karma drinks. Every time I've been to New Zealand, I'd have like, karma cola or ginger ale or the lemony lemon.

Lemony lemon. So thank you to them. And also, thank you to Sansa, who sent us New Zealand chocolates. I was very giddy when it arrived, and oh my God, there was this like, dairy milk, Neapolitan flavor, dairy milk, blew my mind, tasted so good. Like, Papa layered up with like, you know, milk chocolate, white chocolate, as well as the vanilla,

and strawberry flavored chocolate are incredible. And also, Whitakers have started doing this peanut butter and jelly one, because like, they do the jelly tip chocolate bar, where it's filled with like, the jelly. And then they do the peanut butter one, where it's filled with peanut butter. And this one, some of the squares are filled with peanut butter, some are filled with jelly.

It's actually half and half, right down the middle. So you have to start, for me, from the end of the chocolate bar, and work your way in, which I didn't know when I first ate it. I was looking, searching for the peanut butter on one end, and I had too much of that, and then I've, it was kind of getting the ratios right, so I had to buy some more myself. And I did that, and I bought some for all my family for Christmas,

and all the A-casters enjoyed eating the chocolate bars. For me, from the end, I'm meeting in the middle, and you have your peanut butter and jelly. It was great. It's a wonderful metaphor for life. Yep. You've got to start at either end, and work your way into the middle.

That's life. That's life. I just took the straight peanut butter, from that package, because it's one of my absolute favourites. So thank you very much for sending that. Yes, thank you so much. And signature brew, one of my favourite breweries. Glug glug glug.

I've made a beer with them, glug glug glug. They sent us some beers, including some of their Christmas beers, that they made with the darkness, which are so good. I believe in a thing called beer. No, it's called Bell's End, James, after their Christmas song. It is a fantastic beer. Also, huge shout-out. This only happened the other day to another one of my favourite breweries,

Vault City, who are based in Edinburgh, and they make incredible sours. They sent me a box of some of their new beers that they're making. Highly recommended any of their sours, really. But they sent me some crazy stuff, including a Cloudy Lemonade Session Sour that they're doing, and an Iron Brew Sour. Wow.

I would also like to say a big thank you to Tom Barnes at Owlis and Longthrone. He sent all my family home cooking kits, Simon Rogan home cooking kits, and everyone, all everyone in my family, in their own individual little homes, all had a lovely meal. And my dad said that the miso caramel is the best caramel sauce he's ever had in his entire life. Huge shout-out to Tom Barnes for just being a great guy. Just being a great guy, an absolute legend.

And this isn't even food, James. The good people at Aston Microphones have sent us some microphones. I'm a user of an Aston at home. Are you? I am. I love an Aston. They're incredible microphones. They look beautiful. Yeah.

British-made microphones. They're gorgeously put together, and they sent us our own microphones with our names on them. Hugely appreciate that. That was what a life. I can't believe it. Thank you very much for listening to this first episode of series seven. Series seven?

Heard of four. I feel like an old granddad. You are an old granddad. I am, actually. See you next week. Bye. Hello, I'm your dad's friend, Lou Sanders, and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club.

It's better than it sounds, actually. I talked to a special guest about cuddling. There's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself. Guests include Katherine Ryan, Rich Dozman, and Alan Davies. It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones, because it's actually free to download. I'd love you to listen, but you're going to be the loser if you don't. It's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling.

It's business gone crazy. It's available on Apple Podcasts. Of course it is, Acast, yes. Spotify, wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now, please. Don't be a absolute dick piece. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from The Best Ever. You might remember me from The Best Ever episode of Off Menu,

where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread, I'm not going to spoil in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing.

It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to.

Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog you've left it so late.