Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 136: Fatiha El-Ghorri

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

The genie better not mess-up comedian Fatiha El-Ghorri’s order. She’ll punch him in the face and call him stupid. Follow Fatiha on Twitter @fatihaelghorri and Instagram @fatiha.elghorri. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, reducing the honey of humour in the pan of good times and glazing the ham of success. Wow. Of success. Finally, we acknowledge our own success on the podcast. Yeah, glazing the ham of success, the Off Menu podcast. It's a successful podcast, and we're not shy about it anymore. No, and also I was just thinking about ham quite a lot, to be honest. Yeah, yeah. We thought about a house. Ham is a successful meat. It's done well for itself. It's done so well for itself, Ham. Although

we don't think about big glazed hams until Christmas time, really, do we? Not really. I'm not sure. How much do I love a glaze? I guess, as long as the glaze really makes the outside, we have a crispy outside, then I'm happy with it. Otherwise, glazed just makes you think, I don't want it too sweet, the ham. No, but it's just the outside. I do like a glazed ham. Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, if you know, I saw a conversation, you listened to the wrong podcast. It's good stuff. That's Ed Gamble there. He likes a glazed ham. My name is James Acosta. This is our dream restaurant. We're welcoming a guest into it, and we're going to ask them their favorite starter, main course, dessert, side dish, drink, not

in that order. And this week, our guest is Fatia El Gori. She is a wonderful stand-up comedian. So funny. So funny, gigs with her many times. She's newer, would you say, James, a newer comedian? Newer, but you know, we're old men now. We are. These young bucks all coming through, but no, she's absolutely wonderful, and we would urge you to seek out everything that she does. If you look her up on Twitter and Instagram and all that stuff and on YouTube, James. 100% get on all those, you know, all you young kids for your socials. We're old men. We don't know what we're not. We're not leading into the old man thing too much, but you know, you know, we're actually pretty cool. We're actually pretty cool and

we're not 40 yet. No, we're not 40 yet. Cannot emphasize that enough. However, listen, I'm very excited that Fatia's on the podcast, but if she says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be gross, then we do have to chuck her out the during restaurant. That's the rule for everybody. No matter how much of a young buck they are. Yeah. And this week's secret ingredient is supermarket guacamole. Guac. Guac. We're just going with guac, are we? Supermarket guac. I think this might have even been my idea. Potentially. I feel like this is my idea. Benito shaking his head. What? No, this is my idea. Well, I think maybe what's happened is someone else had the idea. You've thought that's a good

idea and you've decided to say it's your idea. That's the same thing. No, that's not the same thing. This is this is how you've done all your shows in the past and all come from ideas from Twitter that you've then you've taken. You've thought that's a good idea. I'll say it's my idea. Yeah. That's not Richard Moro's idea. Yeah. Richard Moro came up with supermarket guacamole and cold as any. I hate myself. 1999. Yeah. It's full credit where it's due. That guy, they came up with the concept for this podcast. Yeah. He's a clever guy. He's a clever guy. Thank you, Richard Moro. Thank you, please, Dale. Supermarket guac, man. I mean, look, it is bad. Yeah, it's bad. Fresh guac, delicious. Fresh guac every day. All

those fresh ingredients, maybe some citrusy limes been squeezed in there. You know, some fresh chili. Give it a bit of a kick. Lovely creamy. Yeah. Fresh guacamole, fresh avocados. Supermarket guac is just diarrhea. Green diarrhea. Green diarrhea. It's Shrek's diarrhea. Yeah. What was Shrek and what was the what sort of thing would Shrek say while he was making the guacamole, do you think? Don't get. I shouldn't eat an avocado. Don't get. Pass me the toilet. I need the toilet. Fast. Don't get. Shrek is doing a mighty big green diarrhea. Yeah. So that's that's what we don't want Fatty to say. Yeah. We don't want us to say Supermarket guac, AKA Shrek's diarrhea. Shrek's diarrhea. Hashtag Shrek's diarrhea. Hashtag

Shrek's diarrhea. Do you like Shrek's diarrhea with your nachos? Oh, imagine that. Imagine Shrek's diarrhea on your nachos. Even in a Shrek themed restaurant. And they said, what do you want with your nachos? And you say guacamole and they bring over a big green butt. Yeah. And they press a button and it does Shrek's diarrhea all over the nachos. Shrek's diarrhea all over it. Do you want cheese? No, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. Thank you. Yeah. Leave it there. I don't even want to know where you're getting it from. Put the big donkey away. So no thank yous to Supermarket guac from Fatty. Thank you very much. Hopefully she won't say it. Very much looking forward to hearing the off menu menu of Fatty El Gory. Fatty El Gory.

Welcome Fatty El to the dream restaurant. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. I can't wait to start eating. Welcome Fatty El Gory to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. There he is. The genie. Thank you. Were you aware that there was going to be a genie in this restaurant, Fatty El? No, I wasn't. And I'm very happy to see him. He's very cute. I'm disappointed that he's not blue. In terms of like favorite color to have a genie, is blue your favorite color for a genie to be? Well, the only genie I've ever seen is the one in Aladdin. He's my comparison. So yeah, should be blue really. So you've got to sort that out, James. Using the colors of the rainbow, would you rank favorite color for a genie to be to

worst color for a genie to be? Red is definitely the worst color. And I think the best one, I think blue's nice, isn't it? It's like a cool, calming color. Ed? I don't think I know all the, I'm just trying to work out the colors in the rainbow. Orange, yellow, green. Orange, is that the order? How do you remember them? Richard of York go battling in vain. So Richard is red. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Off, do we count the off? Yeah. Yeah. Orange. Orange. Yeah. York is yellow, obviously. Yeah. Gave is green. Yeah. B is blue. Is it, is it, is there blue in there? Because sometimes like you don't get blue smarties. I don't know if they appear in the rainbow or not. Okay. Because skittles taste the rainbow. Oh yeah. But do you get blue skittle? No. So that's mad

for a start. I think we should do an episode where we just cuss out skittles for not having a blue one. Yeah. I'll happily, I'll stand by you on that. I'll cuss out. Any other confectionery you want to cuss out before we, uh, no. Just, I swear purple is in the rainbow too. Indigo violet in vain. Oh no, but that's not purple. Oh, is it indigo? Well, yeah, but that's pretty much purple in it. Indigo, it's like pink and purple in it. What's, is indigo pink? Well, no, James. And no. Indigo is, I have got on pink lipstick. Look, does that look like purple? Okay. Are we the sickest people to ever record a podcast? We're literally just sat here trying to work out what color indigo is. It's jammy the fourth, uh, for the listeners when we recorded

this. And I guess we're just all really burnt out. I don't know anything. You guys are. That's why I'm wearing yellow today because in place of the sun, because there's no sun outside. Can you believe I've got all my front room lights on? It's a joke, ain't it? Proper joke. I've got like 20 windows in my living room and I've had to put the lights on. Like what the hell? Wow. You live in a greenhouse? How you got 20 windows in your living room? Yeah. 20 minus 14. I was just exaggerating. Well, quite some distance actually. Yeah. All your lights on as well. Like how many lights we're talking in that, in that room? Four. All right. I'll just reduce that by three, given you're over exaggeration. There's one candle. You've got one light and no windows.

You're saying that you like to wear happy colors when it's, you know, dismal outside or stuff like that. Would you maybe wear an outfit that is just all the colors of a packet of Skittles? I've got, I've got hijabs in all the colors of the Skittles. Right. Apart from this indigo business. I don't know what that is. I've got a purple one. And today, because we're doing a food one, I'm dressed like a custard. What's a rhubarb and custard sweet? Look, yellow and red, isn't it? Look, yellow and red. Yeah. See? Was that deliberate this morning you woke up and you're like, I'm doing a food podcast today. I'm dressing as a rhubarb and custard. Yes. I was like, I've got to do something bright. I didn't want to wear like my black

hijab. I was like, I don't like dark chocolate. Dark chocolate is the devil. And then I was like, oh well, black pudding, I can't eat because it's got pig in it. I was just crossing off all these things trying to match my hijabs. All the black foods. Yeah. Yeah, they sort of not. I mean, I guess just burn anything burnt really, but you don't want to be dressing like that. An olive. Olive. Black olives. How do you feel about that? I don't like black olives. I like the green ones. You know, you know, in Morocco, in Morocco, we've got like red olives, we've got white olives, we've got green olives, yellow, all different colors. So I like those ones. I don't like the black ones. In Morocco, is the slogan for olives taste the rainbow? Is that what you were

going to say? Yeah. Literally the same person. No, but it should be. Oh, God, it's depressing. We're the same person. We're the same person. I think you two should apply to change the slogan of Morocco to that. Yeah. Taste the olives. Taste the olives. Yeah. So even get it in the word, mate, though. Just taste the olives. The slogan for olives in Morocco should be taste the olives. It's straightforward. I like it. So we always start, actually, with still or sparkling water. How do you feel that you got a preference? Absolutely. Like, definitely still 100,000%. And it has to be like icy, you know, like when the glass is like, you know, it looks solid because it's so icy. And sparkling water

is a devil's son. That is it. So dark chocolate is a devil. And sparkling water is its baby son. I hate it. It's disgusting. For real. Like, don't you think it tastes like aspirin? That's what it reminds me of. Aspirin dissolving. You know, when you was little, when you were sick and your mom would say, you have to have a tablet or whatever. And then they put aspirin and they said the dissolvable one and make you drink it. That is what that shit tastes like. It's nasty. Boycott it. Can we, boy, can we cuss it out after we cuss out skittles for not having a blue? We can put it on your cuss list. No problem. Yeah. All right. Let's make a cuss list. Right. So that's cuss number two. Sparkling water is disgusting. Is it number two or is it number three? Dark chocolate has been

cussed out, I'd say. Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. Three. Yeah. That's a triple cuss so far. We're not, we're not even past the water. If dark chocolate is the devil and the son of the devil is sparkling water. Yeah. Who was the mummy in that situation? What did dark chocolate breed with in order to give birth to sparkling water? Celery. That's another devil. Spawn of the devil. It is. It's disgusting. Oh, hang on. But it's the spawn of the devil. Fatty, we need to get this family tree sorted because you're saying that celery is the spawn of the devil and yet also mated with the devil, dark chocolate, to make sparkling water. No. The celery is the mum. Yeah. Okay. So the celery mated with the dark chocolate and then it made that shit, which is sparkling water. That's

celery is nasty. It's like peppery. It's all water. There's strings in it. What is that all about? It's like something you'd find in your plug hole, isn't it? I'm like, no, that's disgusting. I'm sorry. All the stringy bits and yeah. There is a string in it. I mean, celery is one of the things I don't really like. I wouldn't often have raw celery, but I use it in cooking a lot. You chop it up and put it in sort of stews and casseroles and stuff. It works really well. Takes that taste away. So this is the problem. I do use it a lot. This is another issue because we use it a lot in Moroccan cooking. So we have a soup that we make called Harira and we make it usually during Ramadan and it's got like chickpeas, meat, coriander, parsley, like vermicelli, is it

called or vermicelli? It's like spaghetti, but they're tiny. They're like that and all that. It's got all the lentils as well and we put that in it. But what I do is I either blend it to hell or I actually kill the devil's wife. That's what I do. Like killer or I chop it up in big bits and put it in and then when the food's cooked, when I'm serving it, I don't, I can see the big bits. So I make sure they don't go into anybody's plate. Ed's looking at me like I'm crazy. Well, no, I'm just thinking there's two wildly different things there that you're doing. You're either blending it so everyone gets it all of the time or you're putting massive bits in and taking them out completely. But when you blend it, the string bits get mashed up so you don't

get any of the string in there. Do you know what I'm saying? So yeah, they all get destroyed. So it's okay. So I either do that. I either blend it or I put it in whole and then pick it out. Does that still impart some flavor then? It does like a peppery, warm flavor. But then if I make it, if I put whole ones in there, when I sieve them out, I crush them before I put them in the bin just to make sure they're 100% dead because I really hate it. Like it's disgusting. Can you tell yourself you're killing the devil's wife when you do it? Yes, exactly. Like when, I mean, I'm sure I've mentioned this before because this is insane. I'd never heard this before, but the first time me and my wife had boiled eggs at the same time,

she finished her boiled egg and put a hole in the bottom of the shell. And I said, why are you doing that? And she said, so a witch can't use it as a boat. Right. I'm pretty sure you've not mentioned that before. Oh my God. Yeah. And you have an explanation after that? Yeah. She was like, well, yeah, you've always got to do that. That's what you do. If you don't put a hole in the bottom of the shell, then a witch can use it as a boat and

they can float around on it. And I said, well, that's insane. That's just not true. Well, it's obviously not true. She didn't think it was true. But she's always been told as a child to put a hole in the bottom of the shell. So a witch couldn't use it as a boat. And I think I even googled it. And there was like, maybe you had to go like five pages down to find anything referencing a witch using an egg as a boat. But then how big is this witch? Well, I guess she's tiny.

Ridiculous. Witches are little tiny borrower witches. You see, now you've worried me, Ed, right? Because when we make that Moroccan soup, right, we put egg in it as well. We scramble egg and then we pour it in. And now I'm worried, OK? Because if I don't crush that celery, that devil woman is going to get back to her husband, isn't it? You're worried that the celery, the evil celery woman, is going to get in one of the shells and row back to the dark chocolate devil? Yes. Yes. And make another spawn food together.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? See, I like your wife. I feel like this was meant to be for us to have this podcast just so I can stop the spawning of the devil. Do you know what I'm saying? I think you probably would get on with Ed's wife, actually. Do you think you would get on? Definitely.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty convinced. I didn't know that, though. I didn't know that. I think I know Ed's wife fairly well by now, knowing each other for quite a few years. And while that detail doesn't surprise me, I'll just leave it at that. Pop it up with some bread. Pop it up with some bread, fatty ol' gory. Pop it up with some bread. Bread. Oh, no, the devil.

The devil. The devil's it. The celery. No, bread. 100% all day long. Bread, bread, bread. When I was younger, we used to go visit my family in Morocco, and we used to have... They still have it to this day. They have, like, public ovens, so you make your bread at home, and then you take it to the oven. So you do it in the morning, then he says, come back for lunchtime, and then you come back and collect it,

and then it's all nice and warm for lunch and stuff. So bread all day long. That's incredible. How do you know, Fatih, if you excuse my ignorance, how do you know that the bread you're getting back is the same bread that you made earlier in the day? Because he puts a little mark on it, so you know it's yours, and then also, like, the tray that you give it to him in,

and there's a cover that you give him so he can cover the bread with as well. That's always... But one time, I went to collect it, and he'd burnt it, and I said to him, my grandma's going to have your balls for this, so you better just give me someone else's bread. Otherwise, seriously. Otherwise, she's going to come down here and tear you in half,

bruv, just give me someone else's bread. And then he was like, no, it's going to be fine. I know your grandma. I was like, all right, obviously you don't. So I went home, he showed it to my grandma. She was like, if you don't come back with a different bread, don't come back at all. And I was like, raw, okay. So I had to go back and fight him,

and then he had to give me someone else's bread. So then that was that. It does kick off in there sometimes. Well, sometimes you get... It's not ready. He's like, come back in 15 minutes. I'm like, I've just made a fish tagine and it's ready. Like, I need the bread now. Like, do you want me to smash all these other breads up?

Like, give me my bread. Honestly, from when you described it initially, I thought that's quite a good idea. And now this whole system sounds completely unworkable. He was just being a twat, isn't it? That's all. And he didn't know who my grandma was. That was the problem. That was the biggest problem. But yeah, now it's fun.

And then you go and then you walk back and you put it on your head or whatever, or carry it on your shoulder, on your side, and you walk back. It's nice. And then... But usually what I do is sometimes, because it'd be so lovely and warm, because it's fresh. So I just pick either from the corners or the bottom, so my grandma wouldn't see it.

Because if you ate, you know, because... And then she'd get to the middle and go, there's a big hole in it, but it's too late. We're already eating it. What sort of bread... Oh, yeah. James, you ask your question first. I'm excited to hear it. Okay. How would you smash all the other breads up?

How would I... I'd punch a hole right in the middle of them. If you just poke your finger into the bread, that just spoils the whole thing, isn't it? That's what you do. Yeah. Like, just bang like that. So you wouldn't even punch a hole through it. You'd go around everyone else's bread and you'd just stick your finger through the middle.

Yeah. Everywhere. All over it. Just so, like, it's got little pimples everywhere. It's got... Like that. And then nobody would eat that bread, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Or you could lick it. That's another thing. And then no one will definitely eat stuff you've licked, trust me. Even pre-COVID, people won't do that.

I do. If I drop shit on the floor, I'll pick it up. I don't care. Unless it's, like, in public. And then I just rub it in my hijab, clean it in my hijab, and then I eat it. Yeah. That's good. Good answer. I know. I bet you're glad we're not close now doing this, innit? I bet you're glad I'm in the studio for, like, 100% germs. Yeah, that's why I said to Ben, let's do this over Zoom.

This man... What's your relationship with him, do you think? How do you think he talks about you to his friends? Oh, he probably hates us. He's probably like, here comes that bitch and her bitch grandma, little bitches, the family of bitches. She's driving mad, going there, driving proper mad. Yeah, no, hates us. Now, the breads that are being brought,

are they all sort of broadly the same sort of bread, or are people bringing little different recipes they're trying out? No, usually it's the same sort of bread. So it's just round. It's a big round bread. It's got, like, a shell. You know, like how baguette is a bit hard on the outside, but it's not, it's tiny bit, but not too, too much hard, just a little bit hard.

Are we writing down round bread as your bread course here? Yes, round Moroccan bread, if we call it Moroccan bread. Round, but... And there's other stuff people take to him, like, you can make, like, a tagine and take it, like, a fish one and take it to him, and he'll cook it in there for you, and then you come and collect it and stuff like that.

I don't trust this guy. You've already told me he's completely unreliable. I'm not taking my fish tagine. If my family are like, oh, you're cooking today, Ed, I'm not taking this guy, my fish tagine, for God's sake. Yeah. No, trust me, he will do his job, because my grandma will murder him, like, legit.

In the middle of the whole estate, she'll murder him. We still live on, like, an estate, and, um, yeah, she'll murder him. So, no. And she'll put him in the bloody tagine, I'm telling you. She'll take over his business as well, so he better just watch himself. But this is kind of my fear. This is my fear, is that as someone who, you know,

I'm not related to your grandmother, if I bought my fish tagine or some bread to this guy, I'd think, well, what if he pisses off Fatty's grandma, and then Fatty and her grandma are killing him, and, like, punching holes in all the bread, and then, like, I've got to go and get my bread, and it's just like, you put your fingers in the middle of it and splashed in the tagine and everything.

I'm like, well, this is the worst. That is very much a probability, I'm telling you. But there's loads of other, like, on the estate and in the area, there's loads of other ones you can go to. We just used to go to him because he's quite close. I think that's why my grandma used to go there, because she knew if he messed anything up,

she could just chase him down, like, quick time, do you know what I mean? So, because he's the most scared, that's why she chooses... There's a lot of other people who could do the same thing, but he's the most scared, he's the biggest wimp, so she chooses him. Probably. She's mental. God only knows, like, honestly. I'm telling you, she used to mix me and my younger sister up

and I'd say to her grandma, like, because I look younger than my younger sister, and I'd say, grandma, my sister's name's Hafida, and I'd say, no, grandma, it's me, Fetihan, she'd go, no, you're Hafida, and I'm like, no, I'm not. And then she used to whack me with a walking stick. I'm like, have you gone mad? Like Yoda?

She's like, stop lying to me. Yeah, she'd go right on your head. Sometimes it'd just come out of nowhere. I'm like, honestly, you'll have your back down to her, I'll be doing something, and she'll just whack me, and I'll go, what are you doing? I'm like, can you not just ask me that verbally? Why'd you have to hit me?

So did she think you were trying to play a trick on her where you were your sister pretending to be you? Yeah, that's what she thought. And I'm telling her, I'm like, no. And my answer there, hello, there's like five of them, going to her auntie, your mum, that is Fetihan, she's like, you're all liars. And I'm like, okay, here we go.

And then we all get the walking stick. It's a madhouse in my hands. Is there any point trying to dodge the walking stick, or do you all at that point just put your heads in a line so she can just run along and hit all your heads? Yes, you just have to submit because she'll get you. If you don't take that first one, she's going to give you two when she catches you.

So just take the first one, take the hit, and then it won't happen again for the rest of the day. Until the next day, she has the same idea again, mad. Man, we've all this information now. I think that guy, going back to the first encounter you described with this man, where it was burned, and he went, your grandmother, I know your grandmother, she'll be fine with that.

What was he on about? Yeah, what was that guy thinking? Exactly. I think he was just trying to fool me. Big mistake. Yeah, big mistake. Also, what I like is that you said you want Moroccan round bread. Now Moroccan, I always think Moroccan flat bread.

So Moroccan flat bread gets a lot of credit, but is this unfair? Is the Moroccan round bread really where it's at? Well, the Moroccan round bread is the one we have with most meals. So that flat bread, you'd have it for breakfast or you'd have it for like a little snack. So like when you put tea down and then you put cakes and that, that's when you put that down.

There's another one we call pan bread as well. It's called but-bord. That's how you say it. And it's like a pita bread. You know, if you warm up a pita bread and it starts to get big like that, that's kind of like what happens to it. And then you cut it open and you fill it with stuff.

And it's really nice. But the round bread is the one you would eat with most meals like with a tajin and stuff like that. Or you'd make a sandwich, you'd use that one. I'd stop making pita bread, not from scratch, but just using pita breads at home because I put them in the toaster and I'd burn my face every single time.

I'm always burning my hands on steam anyway because I'm ridiculous. Like I'll probably put my head over the pan like this and then open it. I'm such an animal. And then it's like cooking and I'm eating from it and my mum's like, Fatihah, you are a pig.

You know what I mean? And all that. And I'm just like, honestly, she used to say to me, she used to say, if you eat food while it's cooking on the pan, it means it's going to rain on your wedding day. That's what she used to say. Honestly.

So you think, you know, your wife's got some mad stories. You should, her and my mum should like meet up. It did actually rain on our wedding day, Fatihah. So yeah. You've been eating from pans while they're cooking. That's why. I think you've definitely been eating from pans.

I mean, there's no way it hasn't been eaten from the pan. I eat from pans when they're steaming all the time. You've got to taste your food as it goes along. Exactly. And sometimes I just get so hungry. I haven't got time to put it in a plate. So I just eat it there. It just saves time.

But my mum don't like it. But anyway, just to set the record, I did, I got married twice and it didn't rain on any of the days just to let you know. I mean, they rained on my life, but it didn't rain on the wedding day. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't think you necessarily proved your mum wrong in that, you know, you've got married twice. I think that's sort of the broad point she was making is don't do that. Otherwise bad stuff will happen. So you want more often round bread from the scared man. Yeah. OK.

Your dream starter. OK, this is crazy because we've just kind of a little bit been talking about it. But my dream starter is hovis, granary bread or multi-seed toast with butter. That's my favourite thing in the whole world. Do you know what? I've got a toaster.

Do you know where it is? It's still in the box. OK, I don't use it because if I used my toaster, I would eat bread every motherfucking day. Do you know what I mean? Like three times a day, I'd eat it three times a day.

Can you imagine what my poo would be like? I would, it would be a brick. I just couldn't do it. So I can't. But that's my favourite food. Sometimes I go to a cafe and I'm like, can I have toast? And they're like, no.

And I'm like, what do you mean? And they're like, it's nine o'clock. Get out. And I'm like, OK. As in like 9 p.m., not a.m., obviously. They'd have to give it to me if it was a.m. You go to the cafe in the evening, try and get some toast.

Yeah, I'm like, please, can I have a bit of toast? I'll do anything for a bit of toast. Please, sir. And they're like, we're going to call the police. That's my favourite food starter. That is my favourite.

I'll be honest, it's a surprise. The bread selection, I was like, well, we've been transported to Morocco. And we've heard about lots of different foods already. I was like, where are we going for the starter? It's going to be some delicious dish I've never heard of before. And you've gone with more boring bread.

More bread. I love bread. But I can give you another starter if you prefer another one. No, no, no, no. That's that's your start. This is your dream meal. If you want Hover's Granary buttered toast,

that's straight after your round Morocco bread. Then that's exactly what you're having. Yes, that's what I want. This toaster. Yeah. Did you buy it or did someone buy it for you? No, my mum brought it for me and it's got four slices. How evil is that?

How are you going to get me a toaster with four slices? I live on my own. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You're deliberately trying to kill me right now. Yeah, it's just in the box. I've never used it. It's in the box in the cupboard.

Like, I just can't because I will eat toast every day. Like, you don't understand. It's an addiction. I need help. So if you did plug that toaster in, how many slices of toast do you think you'd eat throughout the day, but also how many per sitting are you having? I think per sitting I'd probably have six.

Okay. I know that's a lot in it. That's a lot. It's a lot. But that's what I'm saying. It's an addiction. It really, I need to go to the... What's that place called?

Is it the IV? Is that where they do the rehab? Is it the IV? What is it called? I don't think it's the IV. No, that's the last place you want to go if you've got a food addiction is the IV. There's a restaurant.

What's that place called then? A priory. The priory, that's it. Yeah, the priory. See, it does sound like the IV. They've got the same letters in there. Yeah. Apart from the V.

Yeah, all the same letters. Yeah. So, yeah, you go to the priory. So don't turn up at the IV and go, you've got to help me. I can't stop eating toast. And they're like, you came to the right place. Come on in.

We got toast. She loves toast this one. Fatia, if you took the scared man, forced slices of Hova's granary, would he toast them for you? Yes, he would. But he'd probably try to bump me. He'd be like, what bread is this?

What's this? This ain't Moroccan bread. I'll do it for you because the pound of slice, that's what he'd say. And then I'd punch him in his face, being stupid. Do you think you're on the verge of that, though? Do you think that by keeping your toaster in the box, aren't you risking, one day,

going down to the scared man with an arm full of Hova's, and being like, please just toast all this for me, and paying a pound of slice for the whole loaf until you're basically overpaid for it and then punching the scared man in the face at the end? I am on the verge. Honestly, I just open the cupboard sometimes,

and I just stare at it. I can't even buy butter. Honestly, I just can't buy butter even because I will go mad with it. How much butter are you talking on to the toast? What are you doing? Oh, it has to be nice. It has to be soaked in.

And the toast has to be crispy. None of that soft shit. Like, when you spread it, it goes like that. Do you know what I mean? It has to be like that. And you have to do it all to the edges as well. None of this bollocks just in the middle. What is that all about?

All the way to the edges. And then sometimes I cut it in half, not this diagonal bullshit. And then, mm-mm-mm. Why don't you like diagonal? Why is that bullshit? I don't like it. It looks odd.

I just don't like the look of it. And then if you cut it diagonally, and if you try to bite the middle of the toast, your cheeks get dirty. And I don't like that shit. Why would you start from the middle is my question. I don't know. You'd start on the point, surely.

Start on the point and work your way in. That's how I eat sandwiches. If it's a diagonal sandwich, one corner, the other corner, and then the middle. I don't know, toast. I just see it in films all the time. They always go to the middle. I'm like, are you stupid?

But that doesn't mean you would have to do that. If you were eating diagonal toast, you don't have to eat the middle because that's what they do in films. I know. I don't know why. I think, you know what, because people don't like crusts,

but I like the crust. Even like on pizza, I like the crust. I keep the crust. I dip it into whatever I'm eating. When I was growing up, there was a rumor that all the vitamins of the bread are in the crust. So that's why you should eat the crust.

A hairy chest was what I was told. You've got to eat your crusts, otherwise you won't get a hairy chest. Well, that explains a lot. Do you know what I'm saying, guys? I thought it was because I was Arab, obviously not. It's because I'm eating toast to the crust,

like a dickhead. Do you know what I mean? I ate all my crusts, and I am as bold as a dolphin. So... Little dolphin boy. I wish I had that problem. I wish I had that problem.

I watched that Beatles documentary over Christmas. Get back. And there's a bit in it where they're in the studio, and John Lennon is eating some toast. This seems like butter and toast, and that's like a pretty normal cheap bread. And two things happened when he was eating it.

Ah, it looked delicious. But also, in my stupid head, I was like, wow, John Lennon just eating some toast. Like, that was what I think the effect of most that documentary had on people is we were thinking it was absolutely amazing because it was the Beatles. I can't believe the Beatles are doing that.

But it's just stuff that you'd have to do every day to function anyway. He's just grabbing a quick bite while he's at work, having some toast. But I was like, I can't believe John Lennon just ate some toast. I thought it was amazing. That is why he's a legend.

Fuck his music. It's because of the toast. Where do you stand on this, Fatty? For Christmas, I bought my wife a Breville toasted sandwich maker. And she smashed a hole in it as soon as she used it. It would be a good ship for a witch. Had to take it back to the shop. Sorry about this.

My wife thought a witch was going to sail away in it. Honestly, like, I've not had one for ages, like a proper toasted sandwich where the edges are crimped, but it's deep fill in the middle. And we have had one, no joke, every day since Christmas for two straight weeks. They are amazing. If someone brought you one of those, would that come out of the box?

No. Because I'd be, do you know what? I love cheese. I'm like a mouse. I love cheese. Like, I would just have cheese and that and put egg in it and all kinds of shit. Eggs.

Sausages. Yeah. Like, maybe like, do you know what? This is a good one, I'll tell you. If you boil the egg, cut it up and then put bread, cheese, egg, and then cheese, and then put it in that toasted thing. Amazing. Better than sex, bro.

Bread, cheese, egg, cheese, bread. Hard boiled egg? Yeah. Do that. Or you can do like an omelet, you know, like a scrambled egg and then put it in there and then it's amazing, mate. I'm telling you, you'll love it. You won't leave your house.

I'm going to do it tonight. That's the last time you're going to see Ed Jones. Last time you're going to see him. Better than that. We're filing a missing person's report in a few days. Yeah, because if I eat one of those, it'll be the last time anyone sees me because I'll fart myself to space. Do you know what?

I had baked beans the other day and usually they make me fart and they didn't, so I don't know what's going on. Honestly, I really don't. I don't know if they've changed because I don't eat them because they make me fart a lot. And I fart a lot anyway without beans. I don't need no excuse, do you know what I mean? Sure.

So like, I don't know what's happened. I think they might have changed the recipe or something. So you must fart quite a lot when you eat the baked beans normally for it to be an event in your head when you ate beans and you didn't fart. And that's a proper thing for you that you've remembered. I didn't fart when I had those beans. What the hell happened to me?

Yes, one time we was having dinner, like family dinner and I accidentally farted at the table and my mum lost her shit. She was like, Ferti had tomorrow. You go Morocco forever. And I was like, okay, mum. Farted. I was like, accident, okay.

Morocco forever. Yeah, she was pissed. She was like, you are an animal. Did you just claim to be your sister? If you don't work on my mum, just that mad grandma. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea actually. Good job she wasn't there.

That walking stick would have gone straight up the bump. Yeah, exactly. I mean, main course, what is this going to be? More bread? Well, there will be bread in this. There is bread in this. Okay. So one of my favourite, favourite dishes is some Moroccan dishes.

It's a Tarjean and it's lamb chops and okra. And it's so nice. Do you like okra? Love it. So you put like, it's a rich tomato sauce. And then you put the lamb chops and you put the okra. And it's just nice. And then you eat it with your hands and the bread.

You dip it in and it's really nice. Which bread are we talking about? Round bread here or hove is granary? No, man. That's toast only. That one's restricted to toast. But the round bread, yeah. It's really, and I know like some people don't like okra.

And we also call, it's also called lady fingers here in the UK. Because it's quite slimy. But what you do is, if you boil it in water, boil it before you use it, or put some lemon juice and water or vinegar and water or just water, boil it. It won't be slimy. You can also already buy it chopped up and deslimed from like the shops and stuff. Like it's frozen. I don't think I've ever had it slimy.

People always talk about this thing that people don't like okra because it's slimy. So I've had that as a thing. I say it to people. People, yeah, if I'm talking about okra with people, which I do, I might say, yeah, some people don't like it because it's too slimy. And then I think in my head, I'm like, you've never had slimy okra. And you're like, what are you on about? You just, I just say what I've heard, you know?

It was a big rumour started by Big Veg when they were trying to crush okra. That it goes slimy, but no one's ever seen it. I've seen it go slimy. And when I say slimy, yeah, I'm talking. You know, when you blow your nose and you pull the tissue away, and then the bogey follows it like for 10 miles. Slime we're talking about, do you know what I mean? We're talking slime or slime, do you know what I mean?

Probably 10 miles slime. Yeah, man, like you just, you know, like pizza cheese, it's like that. That's how slimy it gets. It's the one you're using fresh because you usually get it in fresh stuff. Well, I don't know, I've just got it. I've only made it at home a few times, the other times I'm like, you know, just ordering it at restaurants or whatever. Yeah, I've never had the slime issue.

Yeah, in the restaurant, they would never let it get like that because it would put people off, because it is a bit off-putting. I've had it deep fried a lot as well, so that's never slimy, but you have it like almost like tempura with like a little batter on it or something. It's so delicious. So good. And I love the different texture of it as well. Like you've got, the shape of it is like a star,

and then like you've got those little balls inside, and I love them. Like I've got a little hole in my tooth, and my colleagues hate me for this, but I'm always after lunch, I'm always like, like a fish. And they hate it, and they always get stuck in my tooth, but I only got the hole in my tooth during lockdown. I just haven't been dentist yet, you know. Hang on, so you put the balls from the okra in your tooth, and then you suck them out throughout the day?

Well, they just kind of go in there, and then I just try to suck them out during the day, yeah. Yeah. I do get them out, it just takes ages, but I do. But I also see it as a treat. I'm like, oh, something for later. Do you know what I'm saying? When did you get the hole in your tooth?

How long has this been going on for? Since I was in the middle of the first lockdown. I just can't get a dentist appointment, and I don't want to go. They're going to be like, you need a thousand fill-ins. Or one for the hole. They might say your whole mouth is ridiculous. Yeah, maybe a dentist would say that, actually.

I can see a dentist just looking in your mouth and going, your whole mouth's ridiculous. Your whole mouth is ridiculous. When I get rich, I don't know that that's ever going to happen, then I'm going to get rylan teeth. Oh, yeah? I ain't really, I'm joking. My mum would smack me if I'd done that.

Yeah, but your mum would smack you for waking up in the morning with a salad like this. Yeah, that's true. Send you to Morocco forever, because you're farted. You see what I have to live with? I need to be saved, guys. Someone needs to save me, please. So the round bread is coming in again.

This is the same bread that you had before the meal. Yeah. And then you had, let's not forget, you had toast as your starter, but now you're getting the same bread again for your main course. Are you not going to be sick of bread at this point? This is the thing. We have a lot of bread in our meals, Moroccan food.

It's always accompanied by bread. With the okra, you don't have to have it. You can just, we eat with our hands a lot. Like if you lot came to my house, I'd probably put it in a plate for you and serve it, and do a little bow and a curtsy and all that, you know what I'm saying? As well, and all that stuff.

So yeah, but we usually eat with our hands, so we use the bread to dip and stuff like that. But we'd also have like a salad with that. So we have like a, there's Moroccan vinegar. Have you ever had Moroccan vinegar? I don't think so. No. I don't have any.

I've run out and I would show it to you. It's so nice. It's really sweet. And we always have salad. We've got a lot of vegetables in our diet and a lot of salads. Always, every meal comes with a salad. And the Moroccan salad is like a tomato. And then like, how you do it?

You just hold a tomato like that and just go like that. And then you do onion, tomato and cucumber. And then you put a little bit of oil, like vegetable oil and then the vinegar. And then you mix it up like that. And then we have that with the salad, with the meals as well. And I love that. But this is the thing.

See, I like the sauce. I don't like tomato. Again, tomato is the devil's child. And so is onion, raw onion. Suddenly, two more children. I can't, I can't eat raw tomato and I can't eat raw onion. But I can eat them cooked. If you cook, if they're cooked, I'll eat them.

Do you know what it reminds me? Sorry, I'm going on a bit of a tangent. It just reminds me like, my aunt, right, her kids, they used to moan about eating like Moroccan food. They're here. And they used to moan about eating Moroccan food. Like, we make this nice lentil soup with onions and stuff like this, really nice.

And they used to moan. If they see it, they're like, I'm not going to eat it. So she used to draw the curtains, turn all the lights off and make them eat in the dark. So God, right? And they would be like, oh my God, mom, this is the tastiest thing ever. We love it.

Oh, they fell for it? They fell for it? Yeah, they fell for it. Proper, because they're dumb. That's why. Like, who eats in the dark? Do you know what I mean? I'm telling you.

What was she telling me it was? Burger King? What was she telling us? She just said, eat, eat this. She just do it. And she's like, watch the cartoons and eat. Watch the cartoons and eat. And they stupid.

We're just like, ugh. But it was good for them and it's tasty. Sure. I don't know how the light of the cartoons didn't light up the lentils enough for them to realise they were being tricked. I know. I don't know.

Well, they're thick, innit? That's what I'm saying. They're thick. Sure. Right. Who does that? Sure. I mean, I guess they're looking at the cartoons.

They're not really looking at what they're putting into their mouths. I mean, maybe you didn't need the whole room to be dark for that. But I guess if she was worried that they'd see the food in their peripheral vision or something. So she wanted to just completely make it as dark as possible.

What a trick to have to do. And then, obviously, to tell other people about. She didn't just do that. She then told you and everyone else, here's what I do to make them eat their food. Turn all the lights off and they draw the curtains. And I put the cartoons on and then they don't notice. They tell me it's delicious.

It's like that restaurant, Don La Noire. One where you eat in the dark. Have you heard of that one, Fatia? No. But I think I need to contact them because they're stealing my aunt's idea, which I'm saying. And that is one family you don't want to cross.

How does that work? Is it just like, do you go in? Are you blindfolded? Is it completely black? How does it work? I think it's just really dark in there. So you can't see what you're eating. And you have to talk to people.

But like in the dark, it's weird. It's been there for ages. Although our friend Matthew Crosby walked past it during one of the sort of lockdowns. But when restaurants were allowed to open, they had outdoor tables. What? They're outdoors.

Don La Noire had outdoor tables. I bet you my aunt's kids work there. I bet you they're the ones that come up with that dumb idea, aren't they? I hope so. If it's not them, I have a feeling that you, your aunt, your mum and your gran, are going to go there for a meal.

You're sitting there in the dark. The waiting staff are going to come over. Can I take your order? Yeah. How about you fucking get a motherfuckers? And then all of you get up and you attack them. And they're there in the dark, getting beaten up on the old gorries.

They know what's going to happen. And then they wake up and they've been sent to Morocco forever. Yeah, yeah. Watch the cartoons, motherfucker. You've got to Morocco forever now. I think it's good. You know, like sometimes people don't want to try different cuisines and stuff like that.

Sometimes it's nice because I don't like liver. I hate liver. That's another child of the devil. Like, I just hate it. The big family. The devil's got a big family now. He is. On this podcast, we always have a secret ingredient.

If the guest says it, we chuck him out. And it's an ingredient that we decide isn't very nice. Maybe we should start, because they've called it secret ingredient, call it child of the devil. Yeah. We should start calling it that. This week's child of the devil.

Do you not like liver? But this is the problem. Like, I don't like, I hate it. It's disgusting. But one of my cousins cooks it. I don't eat the liver itself, but the sauce that it's cooked in is so nice. So again, I just get round bread,

and I'm just like dip and then, you know, like that kind of thing. I'll cook it. If I go with my mom's assignment, she's like, oh, let's cook liver then. But I won't eat it. It's nasty. It just tastes like iron.

I might as well just have 10 iron tablets, isn't it? What is the point? Seriously. I love it. Do you? Yeah, chicken livers I love. Lamb's liver with mashed potato, and onion, gravy, and bacon.

So, so good. You've got to not overcook it, because that's why it has a bad reputation as people overcook it, and it's tough as leather. But when it's perfectly cooked, when it's still a little bit pink on the lamb's liver,

a little soft, succulent, delicious, and that does have that irony taste, oh, absolutely delicious. You sound like Hannibal Lecterman. Oh. Leave it out. If that's the child of the devil, then bring that child over here.

I'm going to give it a kiss. Is that what you would say to Hannibal Lecter? Leave it out. If it was you walking up that corridor in Silence of the Lamb's, walking up to his cell, and he was stood there in the middle of his cell, what would be the first thing

that you say to Hannibal Lecter? I'd say stop your buffoonery, and tell me who the killer is, otherwise you're never going to eat again. Otherwise I'm going to send you celery for the rest of your life. Your little prick. That's what I would tell him.

Be a very different film. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Yes, I will. It was Buffalo Bill. Yeah. Buffalo Bill did it. Please don't.

Please don't bring your grandma. She'll be straight in the cell. Unlock it. I don't give a shit. Come here. Your dream side dish. I'm going to run to the loo very quickly. Hold that thought.

Hold on a second. Sorry, sorry. I need to have a drink anyway, so that's good. Yeah, you have a drink. I've got a little, you know those cups, what are they called? It seems like you've got a pint glass. What's on the bottom there?

Is that a beaker? Yeah. A science beaker. You've got like a little spout on it. This is like, you know the cup that you have like the blenders? Yeah, that's it.

It's a blender cup. It is a blender cup, isn't it? That is, you've got the measurements on the side and the little spout and the attachment on the bottom and you are drinking water out of that. Why are you drinking water out of that, Fatia? What's going on there? Because basically, I haven't washed the dishes today.

This was the only thing I could, I didn't want to get like a massive bottle of water and start chugging it in front of you, isn't it? Like an animal. Is that what you want your water at the start of the meal? Do you want that in a blender cup? Yeah.

Oh, hello Ed. Hello. Fatia just revealed that she's been drinking water out of the blender. She's just taken the blender. I didn't even wash the dishes today, so I have to use this. So like, see how cold the water is? Is that the same blender that you use for celery?

Yes, but I disinfect it and then all the hell gets out of there. Yeah. And do you know what's good with this, yeah? It's got the little mouth, hands on, can you see the little mouth thing, look? Yes, but you know that's like a pouring thing, that's not a little mouth. That's not so you can put it in your mouth,

that's not what that's there for, it's just a lip on a jug. But you know why it's good, yeah? Because like, if your mouth is greasy, then you don't have to, you can just go like that. And then the water doesn't get contaminated. Do you see what I'm saying? No.

Oh, so if you've got a greasy mouth. You don't get no backwash, you don't get no backwash in the water, you just go like that. Because you can pour it in like a jug of cream. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and you can just be like, your mouth's a bowl, and you just, it tips it in accurately,

as opposed to a glass where it might go everywhere. But you've got the little spout, which directs it right into your greasy mouth. Fatia, I have a question. Yes. How often is your mouth so greasy that you're drinking a glass of water and it leaves pools of grease in the water?

Very rarely. But sometimes like, if I put like a lip seal on, I've got a rose lip seal. And then like, you know, like lip cream. And then if I drink the water, it tastes funny. I can taste it in the water. So in these situations, such a cup is very handy. It's quite a good life hack, actually.

If you've just put lipstick on, you don't want to transfer it to the glass. Exactly. Get yourself a jug instead. Put it in there and just pour it into your mouth. Exactly. I'm so sorry I did a little burp then. Forgive me.

Sorry about that. Going to Morocco forever. Going to Morocco forever. That's the rules? That's just the rule. I'm sorry. I did a burp not far. Oh, sorry.

So where do you go when it's a burp then? You get on the plane to Morocco and just before it takes off, you can come back. Yeah. Going to Morocco for a long weekend. Backwash was such a big thing when I was a teenager. Yeah. It's less of a thing now,

but I think maybe when you're teenagers, you share more drinks and stuff, or you give your friends a sip of something. And backwash was always the big worry, wasn't it? Everyone was like, no, backwash, and you used to have to hold the can above your head and dribble it in. And all that.

You know, there's 13 of us, and at one point, there was like nine of us living together in one house. So backwash is a normal thing for us. You know, like the same when my grandma would beat us all in one line, she'd get us in the line and beat one at a time.

It's the same thing. So I have a sip, then it goes down to my little sister, and then it, you know, goes from the oldest one. So you're always getting backwash. So the youngest one is just basically getting a cup of spit. Yeah.

Exactly. From the old spit. That's why my immunity is like that of a lion. Well, do you know what I mean? Because you're always drinking each other's spit. Yeah, exactly. Even if we weren't related, I'm sure we are now. Do you know what I mean?

The amount of gallons of spit. I'm telling you, altered my DNA. I'm telling you. Dream side dish. Even though I do like talking about backwash, and I agree with Ed about how big it was when I said, I did learn how to drink a can without it even touching my lips or anything.

I had to do it in front of them, merely make a performance of it as well to show to your friend that you weren't backwashing. Yeah, you've got to. You've got to learn how to pour a can from a distance. Otherwise, you're not going to make it through your teenage years. Yeah. Okay, so one, this is my favorite side dish.

And it's hummus. But what it is, right? So the place where I get it from is in Agua Road. There's a restaurant there. I think it's Syrian, the restaurant. I know it's got different names, but in that restaurant, it's called hummus bayruti. So hummus of bayrut.

And it's hummus. And then in the middle, they have chopped meat in the middle of it. And it is amazing, amazing. Again, that would be something you'd eat with flatbread. Or you could just eat with a spoon. I always eat with flatbread when I go there because they give you flatbread with it.

Have you ever had it? No, I've had it. It's so good. Isn't it? It's just the greatest. Like all those restaurants along Agua Road anyway, and like Lebanese restaurants and Syrian restaurants, and all just, I think it's just the best genre of food.

And the hummus with, it's lamb more often than not, right? Like chopped up lamb. Yeah, it's lamb. You can, I've seen a few places to do with chicken, but I prefer the lamb. I think they're like, I've seen some places do beef too, but lamb is better because it's the place I get it from. It's so succulent and so light.

It just melts in your mouth. Oh my God, like my mouth is proper watering. Let me just get my jug. Hold on a minute. Fill it up with all your saliva. Give it to your sister. But it's so creamy as well. Like, because I find sometimes I find hummus can cut your tongue.

I don't know if you get that. No, what? No, it can cut your tongue. I find my tongue, you know, like when you eat, if you eat too much like salt and vinegar crisps or, and then you get that cut in your tongue. Do you ever get that? Well, maybe with salt and vinegar crisps,

if you eat too much of those, maybe, but like they can feel a bit tender, the old tongue, you know, a bit frasped. Hummus, I would say is one of the softest things I've ever. It's almost the softest food available, really, isn't it? Cut themself on some hummus. I think it's like, it's not the texture as such. There's something in it that just cuts my tongue.

I can't, like on the sides. Might be just the hole in my tooth. It might be just a scrag of tooth. Your mouth is ridiculous. I mean, we have established that your mouth is ridiculous if you're getting cut on hummus. So when you say cut, you don't, you mean just like raw. It makes it feel a bit raw.

Yeah, rather than, it's not, you're not putting hummus in your mouth and it's like just slicing your tongue up immediately. No. I guess it's like lemon juice and garlic and all of that stuff. Maybe, yeah, maybe that. Do you know, actually, this is a good question to ask you because you lot know a lot about food and that,

but is there a, oh, it's coriander and then there's cilantro, is it? Cilantro. Cilantro. That's it. Are they the same thing? Yeah, I think so. Because one time, right, I was at a gig.

I was doing this, it's a corporate gig, right? They fed us and made, obviously, they didn't have anything that was halal because they're pricks. So I had to have like the vegetarian option and which was fine. And I was, it was a burrito and I had all these vegetables and then I was eating it.

And as I was getting to like further, further down, I was like, this tastes like soap. And a lot of people that have reactions to that cilantro, and I say it tastes like soap. And then I said to a woman, I said, I think that's like, run with this, it tastes like soap. And she goes, well, you're having a reaction to it. And I got all these lumps in my mouth

and I was panicking because I had to perform. Do you know what I mean? And I was like, and I was drinking like gallons of water. I was like, oh my God, oh my God. And it was okay in the end, but I was panicking. But I don't understand because I cook with coriander all the time. I eat it and I just don't understand

what was wrong with that one. It might be the way they cooked it, I don't know. Do you use it raw ever? Or is it mainly cooked? Both. Both. Both. You know what I do?

I use that beaker cup and then I get it and I get parsley as well. And I, it just goes really tiny. And then I put it in a bag and I put it in my freezer. So whenever I want to cook with it, I just take a bit out and put it in. Do you have any other cups? Because at the moment, you're using that cup for everything.

Yeah, that cup's coming up a lot. I mean, do you have a toilet? What's going on? You just literally, everything goes in that cup. Do you know what? It's funny you should say that, right? Because I live near a railway bridge. So whenever people say to me, where'd you live?

I say, I'm a troll. I live under the bridge. And they usually give me money. So no, I'm joking. They don't, they just never come to my house. That's all. You were definitely going to tell another story there, Fatiha. I can't remember.

Well, I asked if you were eating the cup as a joke and then you said, I've got a story actually. I live near a railway bridge. And I was intrigued to see where this was going. And that was it. I just live near a railway bridge. That's not a story. When people, when people ask me, I always go,

I live down there under the box. And yeah, they feel sorry for me. That's all. I just make them believe that I'm a troll. That's all. I really thought we were going to get a story about you taking a piss in that cup. Are you mad?

No. But when I was younger, I tell you, I do have a story. And when I was young, I used to be obsessed with water. So like, I would just drink from the toilet. And my mum would knock the door. I know this is embarrassing. James' face, then, was honestly the most surprised I've ever seen. It's just how, when Fatiha tells stories,

she doesn't tell the main bit of the story. She tells the whole bit of the story the same as each other. So there's no kind of like teeing something up and here's the main thing. It's just the normal stuff and the headline is all said the same. So just like, when I was younger, I was obsessed with water. So I used to drink out the toilet.

And it's just like, it's all the same. And there's nothing, there's no flagging up that here comes this. It's just, there you go. I used to drink out the toilet like a little doggy. Yeah, I legit did. Like, my mum would just come and I'd just speak. How often? Like, every day.

They used to have to shut the door. But they would shut the toilet door. But if somebody forgot that was it, I was in there. I was like doing a David Husslehoff dive. And I was just like that in the water. Honestly, I used to be like proper bad. Even in the bathroom as well. I would turn the tap on and just hold it like that.

So it just goes everywhere. You love water. How old are you? I think about three. So you could get to the sink and turn the tap on. Not the sink, the bath. The bath. The bathtub.

So you could drink out of the taps in the bath. Yeah. Why were you favouring the toilet water? I have no idea. I think it's the lion in me. You know, I said you've got lion immunity. I don't know. Animal, the animal in me.

I don't think you can invoke the noble lion when you're talking about drinking from the toilet. I used to do it in people's houses as well, man. My mum was like, we can't take you anywhere. Straight to the toilet. Lovely to see you. Thanks for having us to your home. Excuse me.

Where's your bathroom? Is that fatty you're talking? Yes. As a professor for you. When you drank out the toilet, would you cup it in your hands and just bring it to your mouth? Or were you just fully putting your head in and lapping it up like a big lion?

So what happens is, because we pray, we have a little jug in our toilets that we fill with water. So every time you go toilet, rather than using tissue, you use the water to clean yourself. So I would fill that jug and just drink from it. The bum jug. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

The bum jug. So you would drink out of the bum jug? Yes. So I'd fill that and then drink. Not like that. I'd drink from the rim or my hands, whichever, because I knew they would catch me. So I had to do it quickly.

I was like, I've got to get this fixed. I've got to get this fixed. You wanted it so bad. I've got to get these germs in. Yeah, so. Now we know why you insist on drinking from a jug. Yeah. Now it's exactly that.

You've not changed. Remember, listen. Still feeling like you're drinking out the toilet. The bum jug. I am obsessed with the toilet now. You know, like I have to get all those, you know, those things you stick on the sides that whenever you flush, a nice smell comes out.

I've got about 10 in my toilet. Like I'm obsessed with it. Like I bleach it every day. I flush it every five seconds. I know it's not good, but I just like the smell, the smell of those smelly things. I probably drunk from a dirty toilet

when I was little and someone's. We used to go to this woman's house and my mum used to be like, don't ever drink from their toilet. They don't flush. So like, I don't know. That's not the reason. Definitely not the reason

you shouldn't drink from the toilet. You shouldn't have to say that to anyone. Remember, when we're at this person's house, don't drink from their toilet because they don't always flush. Did your grandma know that you were drinking from the toilet? Hell no. I'd be dead if she did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, let's just quickly go back to the food before we move on to, I mean. Yes. It segues quite nicely into your drink of choice, which I assume is going to be toilet bowl water. But just before we do, I think some listeners might be thinking,

oh, in fact, it's had lamb as their main course and she's having lamb in her side dish. Now, we don't always say that, you know, guests' meals have to work well together as one. It can be just whatever you like. But would you have this side dish with the main that you had, typically? Probably not.

I'd probably have something like chips. But those are my favourites, the things that I'm telling you now. And if the listeners don't like that, they can suck my hijab in it. Yeah, they can. What you seem to mainly like is lamb and bread. Exactly.

I'm a lion, innit? I told you. A lion heart. I'm also, I'm an Aries. I know that's not a lion, right? But like, it's a fire sign and so is a lion. So is Leo, so. And what are your star signs?

Can you guess? I think you're a tourist, Ed. No. And I think you're a scorpion, James. Am I wrong? Both, yeah, both wrong. Well, what is it? Are you Aries?

We might be born on the same day. I love that your first guess was wrong, so your next guess was we were born on the same day. Second guess, we were born on the same day. Your dream drink. Now, look, I don't know, you know, make you feel too daunted by this, but you have got a lot of making up to do with this course.

Oh, no, this is probably going to disappoint you. But my favourite is Coke Zero. And it has to be icy. It has to be ice cold. And that is my favourite drink. Sometimes, like, if I go Morocco in the winter and I order it in a cafe, I go, can I have a Coke Zero? And they bring it and I'm like,

this is room temperature. Are you stupid? Go and give me ice, or give me the one at the back of the fridge. Like, seriously. I'm like, what kind of shit is this? And then if I ask for ice, they look at me like I've just stripped down naked or something.

They're like, how can you have ice? It's cold. And I'm like, bro, I'm from England. This is summertime. Shut up. Give me my ice. Do you deliberately go to the cafe run by the most scared man?

No. I mean, I have to say, I think they're all going to be scared. It's very early use of the term, are you stupid? Really early, really early doors. Cozy, when it comes to the table, what is this?

Are you stupid? Oh, I'm in trouble. I know, that's like my go-to thing. I always say that, like, postman buzzes me, gets the number wrong. I'm like, are you stupid? And then I don't get any of my posts. And then I wonder why, innit?

Yeah, yeah. So why Coke Zero instead of Diet Coke? Because I can tell the difference. You can tell the difference. Yeah, between Diet Coke, Coke Zero and normal Coke. I can tell the difference. So like Diet Coke tastes a bit artificial. I mean, I know they're all artificial.

I know it's like Diet Coke is a bit, it tastes a bit Pepsi, I know. I can also tell the difference with Pepsi. I fucking hate Pepsi. Pepsi is another bastard child of the, that would be the bastard child, not the one he had with the celery. He had it with someone else.

That is a hate, that drink is disgusting. I've got, James is going to tell you something awful that he, one of his opinions now. Strapping for this. James? I prefer Diet Pepsi to Diet Coke or Coke Zero. James, you're lucky you're not in the studio, bro, because you were to get punched, I'm telling you now.

Yeah, like a loaf of bread. My second question is, are you stupid? Coke is the best. I like Diet Pepsi. I think it's got, it's got some more like interesting notes in there going on. It's got some different flavours buzzing about. Diet Coke, Coke Zero, they're fine,

but I find them a bit boring, bit flat. You know, I like the, I like, I like the. Dare you. I like the Diet Coke with lime. I've enjoyed that when they bought it out, but like, you know, otherwise Diet Coke and Coke Zero just feels like it might as well just be fizzy water, a bit boring to me now.

Whereas other things a bit more interesting, isn't it? Excuse me while I die. Oh my God, how dare you compare it to fizzy water? Oh my God, it's disgusting. If I go to a restaurant and I say, can I have Coke? And they say, we only got Pepsi. I said, okay, I want Sprite. And then they go, we only got a seven up.

And I'm like, this is ridiculous. Is this a scam? What is going on here? Like, James, I should tell you something. Fatia won't drink Pepsi and she literally drinks from the toilet. Yeah, I mean, that is something that is food for thought. I've got to go away and think about that,

because if a toilet drinker is saying that Pepsi is disgusting, would you drink Diet Pepsi from a bum jug? Hell no. It would be more appealing to you then. Also, Coke in a glass, if you have it in the glass, you know where they open it like a beer, like a proper glass bottle?

That is the premium drink. Because I don't know the plastic, I don't buy, but I get cans anyway. But like, if you have it in plastic or a can, it's not as fizzy as if you have it in that glass. Because I don't know what it is, it's just great. Like, that is the best Pepsi from a glass. I think you're right.

I'd go, number one, from a glass bottle. Number two, from a can. Number three, plastic bottle. Yeah, that's the only way to rank them, I think. I agree. See, you've redeemed yourself there, James, a little bit. Clawing it back. Clawing it back.

I want to know what it is about Coke Zero that tastes different from Diet Coke, though. I can't tell the difference. Ed? Yeah, I absolutely can't tell the difference. You can tell all the difference. Fully can tell the difference. Coke Zero is supposed to be what regular Coke tastes like, right?

Right. Yeah. And that is, I mean, you can definitely tell the difference in the taste. Diet Coke's a bit more, if I'm drinking Diet Coke, I can feel like I'm being hydrated as well. Like, it's slightly thinner. It's still tasty.

I love Diet Coke, but it's slightly more watery. Whereas Coke Zero, it's a fuller flavour. Yeah. It doesn't feel like it's hydrating me. It fills me up more. Yeah. Now, I agree with Ed. Ed, you're the best.

Keep that here. You're not the first guest who fills this way. How long has it been since you drink normal regular Coke? God. Every now and again, or have you not had it for a long time? Sometimes. If I go to a restaurant and I say, can I have Coke Zero?

They say, we only have Diet, then I'll take the Diet. Sometimes I'll have full fat. If that's all they have or something like that, then I'll have it. Yeah. But, sorry, excuse me, there aren't that toilet water's coming back up on me now. But, so yeah, I don't have it a lot,

only if it's the only available thing. So, to you, it's like Coke Zero, basically, that might as well be a Coca-Cola. Like, it doesn't really taste like a Diet drink. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I'd say that. That's how I feel. I'm glad I've converted you.

Fatty is doing a lot of eyebrows and air quotes there when she said, I'm glad I've converted you. Yes. I have to do this in my eyebrows. Do you know how long it took me to paint them on? No. Can take advantage. Now, definitely, you're drinking up the toilet days

or whatever, because you'd stick your head in the toilet, come out, no eyebrows, or run off. Yeah, dead giveaway, straight away. Have you been drinking up the toilet again tonight? Your hijab is drenched, you've got no eyebrows anymore. Oh, what are we going about? Suck my hijab. Never going to suck that hijab.

You've been in the toilet. You know what, there's sometimes a sentence happens in an episode that you never thought you'd get to. And I never thought, I never thought, I'm not sucking that hijab that's been in the toilet would come up today. And I'll be the one who says it. We get on to your dream dessert now.

Oh, man, this was a tough one, honestly. But I think my dream dessert is a Mars ice cream. Oh, yes. How do you have those guys? No, no one's ever said it on the podcast. This is a huge shout, because I sort of agree with you that that is one of the best desserts. I love a Mars ice cream.

Yeah, it's great. Oh, my God. Don't you think it's like better than the chocolate bar itself? So much better. Mars chocolate bars are pretty low down on the list of chocolate bars. Mars ice creams. They are the best, because you know,

like they've got the chocolate, it's this, oh, I don't know, see, look, I'm going to cry. It's just so well proportioned, like the chocolate is not too thick, the ice cream is just right. You know, the caramel, usually when you have caramel in something cold, it hardens.

This doesn't, and I don't understand how. How have they done that? I need to marry the person that made it. It is magical. It's one of those things I remember the first time I had it, and it did blows your mind, because you don't know what to expect. You bite into it, and you don't really know,

you know, all you've got as a reference point is a normal Mars bar. You've had Mars bars in the fridge before, maybe, so you're thinking, will it be a bit closer to that? Bite into it, and like you say, the caramel tape catches you off guard, the nice crack of the chocolate on the outside. And it's the, and it looks,

because it looks so much like a Mars bar. So much like, even like this, like printed on the bottom, has like the logo printed on the bottom, and then, oh, you take that bite, and that is, it's just a bit, it's a bit of genius, isn't it? Tell me, Fatih, I don't think I've ever had a Mars bar ice cream, and then not immediately had another Mars bar ice cream. I was gonna say that.

Yeah, I do. I have them in twos, so by like, there's four in a packet. If you get, like, you can get them for like, two pounds or something. When they're on offer, they're like 150 or something. And then there's four, and I always have to have two. I cannot, yesterday, I think I had two. And they were my last ones, and I was like, I cry.

So you'd like two for your dream meal? Yeah, two. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's fine, I was about to say the same thing. They're not, they're never big enough. And it's a thing where, maybe there's a thing, they can't make them bigger than that. They can't do like a Mars ice cream duo.

It might melt. Yeah, it might melt, or I guess you've got to think about the average freezer size. You can't be getting a big long ice cream like that, can you? Because I'd want them like, 30 centimetres plus, really. And then break, they break if they, yeah. So you just have two, it's not a problem. And they're so delicate, like,

if they're so different from the actual chocolate bar, the chocolate on the outside is just thin and brittle, and just, oh my God, it's just, and you know, like sometimes if you take too long eating it, and then it melts, and I'll just rip the whole packet open, and I'm like, ah, like, do you know what I mean? Like the whole, I'm like, there is no bit of ice cream or chocolate that is not going to go in my mouth.

And sometimes they drop on, they might drop on my hijab or on my clothes, and I just lick them back up, I'm just like, bruv. You know, one time I found, I had it on my chin here, I don't know how it got on my chin, it was here, it was right. And I could smell chocolate, and I was like, why can't I smell chocolate all day, I don't understand. And I think it must have got like on my neck here,

and then I must have lint down in it, because I've got 20 chins underneath here, this is so good at covering them, I'm like a turkey, but you can't see that. Do you know what, I had to get a baby wipe, do you know what I mean? Because there was just so much chocolate everywhere, it was all up here, and it was insane, but anyway.

And then did you eat the baby wipe, so you didn't waste the Mars? No. I'm really happy that the Mars ice cream has had a shout out. I think you're going to have a lot of people agreeing with you there. What do you think of the other chocolate bar ice creams that are out there? Because there's a few that have come about over the years,

I'd say you're right in singling out the Mars as the king of it, but like, are there others you like? There are two others, the Twix one's quite nice, it's not too bad. The other one I like is the Oreo, because I like it, but I don't like the one that's covered fully chocolate, I just like the one that's the biscuit, ice cream biscuit. I like that, it's a little bit salty, and I like that sweet, V-salt-y kind of taste, you know?

Snickers one? No, because I don't like peanuts. They're the grand kid of the devil. Oh, the grand kid. But do you know what, I do, they are. Do you know what? Someone's going to draw out this family tree. You keep your eyes on Twitter after this goes out,

someone is going to take the time to draw out the devil's family tree, and you're going to see it. I've forgotten the Snickers ice cream. Now, didn't the Snickers ice cream, did the nuts come covered in chocolate as well? I've got this memory now that the individual peanuts in the Snickers ice cream were covered in chocolate. I don't think so. No.

So I don't know where I've got that from, or maybe I've got it from an ice cream tub. Maybe. A tub of Snickers ice cream. Maybe. Because they did those as well with twips and hand-snickers. The Snickers ice cream is essentially like the Mars ice cream, but just with the peanuts in the caramel, really.

Yeah, it's crap, man, it's crap. No, it's good. See, I like peanuts a lot, so I love them. We make some desserts in Morocco. Not desserts as much, so much like pastries. There's ones that we call bruettes, and they're like triangle like this, and they're filled with grounded peanuts and cinnamon and rose water and things like that. So those I can eat, but to eat an actual peanut, allow that shit, bro.

You can't eat them, no can you, because they're triangles, so you bite into the middle and get it all over your cheeks. Straight away. I'm going to eat your menu back to you now, so you feel about it. Yes. Water, very icy, still water, out of what we're talking, what receptacle. Just to be clear.

Just a big cup, a big cup. A big cup, okay, with a spoon? No. With a flush? Just a big glass cup. Pop it up with a bread you wanted, round Moroccan bread from the scared man. Starter, hovis granary, toast with butter, six slices. Main course, tajim with lamb chops and okra

with the round Moroccan bread coming back again. Side dish, hummus berruti with lamb, drink, ice cold glass bottle of Coke Zero. Dessert, two Mars ice creams. Yeah, feels good. That feels lovely. My stomach is full just from thinking about it. I love it, I love it. Fatia, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me. I've had a lovely meal. Do I have to pay for this shit because I'm paying for this shit? Okay, good. You're the last person we're going to make pay for it. Yes, it is free for life. Well, there we are, James. What a great episode.

What a great episode. So many details, learned so much about Fatia all the way through. Yes, we know more about her than we ever thought we'd know. I'm so glad I kept pushing on that point about what she was drinking water from, James. Otherwise, we would have never found out that she used to drink water from the toilet as a child. Yep, she would have just passed off the story, I live near a bridge. And that's not the story, is it? What's the story?

I used to obsessively drink out of the toilet. Okay, that's more of a story. Yeah, a master of burying the lead. Check out Fatia on Twitter, Fatia Elgore on Twitter, and Fatia.elgore on Instagram. Keep an eye out for what she's doing in the future. She'll be doing plenty of gigs and TV shows and all of that sort of stuff. She's absolutely brilliant.

I'd like to thank Fatia for not saying Shrek area. She didn't say the secret ingredient, that was good. Hummus came up. It wasn't supermarket bought, but I was like, uh-oh, we're in dip territory. We are, we were in the dip territory. And supermarket hummus, I feel like that should sort of be a secret ingredient as well. But we should get Nish Kumar on again, just so we can make that the secret ingredient and have him kicked out,

because he eats that with a spoon. He does. The thing is, I would still eat it, but now I've had like good proper authentic hummus, then you can't help but be reminded of that when you have supermarket hummus. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I mean, so maybe if we get Nish on again, we'll make that the secret ingredient and we see if we can kick him out, because that would be fun.

Kick him out straight away. Yeah, it would be fun. Yeah, yeah, he'll have that as his water course. I am going on tour, James. I might be on tour already, who knows. The show is called Electric. It's going all over the UK. It's a good show.

And you can buy tickets for it from edgamball.co.uk. Thank you very much for listening, everyone. We will see you again next week. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hello there, listeners. Can we recommend you a new podcast? It's been going for three years,

but it'll be new if you listen to it now. My name's Stevie. My name's Dessa. And we host the Nobody Panic podcast, which is all about how to be a functioning adult without consistently screaming and or crying all the time. Although crying is OK, crying is good. Listen to our episode on how to cry at work.

It's all kinds of different how-to's from how to be creative to how to concentrate to how to begin a small talk. Thank you, Stevie. We bring our experience, which is sort of minor, and then we get experts in to really give the advice. We release podcasts every Tuesday. It's on Apple Podcast, Acast, Spotify.

Basically, wherever you get your podcasts, we're there. We're there. We're ready to impart not our advice, necessarily, but the advice of others to help you get through your day and your life. Are we selling it yet? I'd like to say that we're much better in the podcast than we are on this advert. Please do come over and check what we're like on The Real Thing.

Oh, yeah. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Hello! It's me, Amy Glethill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by...

Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories

that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on.

Get Glethill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.