Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 161: Flo & Joan

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Gotcha! Musical comedy duo Flo & Joan – aka sisters Nicola and Rosie – order their dream menus this week. Flo & Joan are on tour with ‘Sweet Release’. Go to floandjoan.com for dates Follow Flo & Joan on Twitter and Instagram @floandjoan Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the cherry of conversation, biting in with the teeth of the internet, removing the pip of bad times and spitting it into the bin. Lovely. I love it. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, everybody. I'm Ed Gamble. James A. Caster here, the Off Menu podcast. Ed is the proprietor, the matriot D. I am a genie waiter, and we live in the dream restaurant, and we invite a guest in every week, and we ask them their favourite ever, start a main course dessert side dish and drink, not in that order. And

this week, our guests, guests, plural, are Flo and Joan. Flo and Joan. Wonderful. Comedians, musical, double act vibes. A phenomenon. A phenomenon. Every time I gig with Flo and Joan, I hope that I'm going on before them. Yeah, absolutely. Impossible to follow. Yeah, I always hope I go on before everybody. That's why I mainly do gigs on my own. James goes on before everyone, as in around 2019. That's when you last went on. Yes. Before everyone else. Before everyone else. Hey, I saw Flo and Joan. We did a TV show together, question team, and they did a song all about crisps. Yes. So, quite excited to have them on the food podcast. Maybe crisps are

going to come up. Maybe Rosie Jones will get a run for her money. Yeah, well, I can't see anyone giving Rosie Jones a run for her money crisps-wise. Sure. I mean, if that ever does happen, then we've got to get whoever does that and Rosie on an episode, head to head, crisp off. Not to confuse the situation, of course, because Flo and Joan aren't actually called Flo and Joan. They're called Nicola and Rosie. What? So, I don't want you to get confused, man. What the hell? Yeah, no, I'm so sorry. The whole world's been turned upside down. Yeah, you're going to have to take them to task about this. Man, I cannot believe this. What's your name? James. My name is Benito. So, this is going to be a fun episode. I can't

wait. They're on tour at the moment, like we say, doing sweet release. Oh, show called sweet release. All better. Grab your tickets, go and see sweet release. But listen, Ed, I like Flo and Joan. Or Fenton Saunders or whatever you said their names were. But listen, if they say a secret ingredient, an ingredient that we think is gross, or you would just think is objectionable, or we just think is a room splitter, then we do kick them out the dream best. It's a good format. And today, the secret ingredient is rocket. It's rocket, which is big. Look, I have to be honest with myself. And I don't love rocket. I go through phases of rocket. Sometimes I want that. I want that peppery bite. And sometimes I don't welcome it at all, James. The flavor I don't object to.

I think I don't like the actual, just how it feels in my mouth, the rocket itself, how it feels in my, it doesn't feel nice. But you know, the way things feel in your mouth, that's flavor, right? No, no, taste, but like, I don't like the feel of it. Like, if there was no flavor, the feel of the rocket, I don't like trying to get it on my, on my fork. You don't like the shape of it? I don't like the shape of it. Yeah. I don't like, like, you know, it's not like other lettuce and stuff. I just get it on the fork. There you go. Nice bit. Let's shove it in the mouth. But like, rocket is like, oh, I've got to get a whole, stack it up. It's a pain, is it? Get a whole bunch of it. Get it in my mouth. It feels like I'm

putting stinging nettles in my mouth or something. Right. Interesting. Yeah. So that's why it's a secret ingredient because you don't like the feel of it in your mouth. Yeah. I don't like it. Feel of it as it passes through my lips into my mouth. Open your mouth a bit more when you eat, I think. Well, it shouldn't be passing through your lips. You shouldn't be sort of pursed mouth, pushing a load of rocket in and it's through your lips. I can't help it touch my lips because it's all over the place, Rocket. It is wiggly. It doesn't all point in the same direction. So you kind of grab it on the fork and then it's like, it's going all over the place. Well, there we go. Rocket's a secret ingredient. If Flo and Joan, either of them.

Yeah. If one of them says it, they're out. The other one gets to stay in. Yeah. So, you know, they're having separate menus here. So if one of them says it, they're out, we won't chuck them both out for one of them saying it. No. And also, both, they're not, both going to say it because if one person says it, the other persons are not going to then say Rocket. Are they when they see what happens? It's funny. It's like, I forgot. It would be really funny. They say Rocket for dessert or something. Yeah. I'm on tour. Ed Gamble, Electric. Go to edgamble.co.uk for tickets. Great show by a great guy. Bless you. James A. Kessler's guide to quit social media. Being the best you can be and curing yourself

with loneliness volume one is a book that I have written. It's out now, wherever you get your books. But without further ado, this is the off menu menu of Flo and Joan. Welcome, Flo and Joan to the dream restaurant. Hello. Welcome, Flo and Joan to the dream restaurant, but we're expecting you for some time. There we are. Now, we should probably get the names out of the way. Yeah, you did, didn't you? Don't normally. That's quite good. Yeah. That just shows he's really up for this. Good. The taste buds are already saluting. Saluting? Saluting the union jack. Not called Flo and Joan in real life. We should get that out of the way. No, no. It's a stage. How does it feel to be liars?

It gives me the most satisfaction in my whole life that people think they know me and I'm like, you've got no fucking idea. I really enjoy it. Do you know what feels like a real invasion of privacy? It's sometimes in shows people will come up to us after and say, that was a great show, Nicola and Rosie. Fuck you, Janet. It feels like they've really researched you and found the real core of you. It's not tricky to find that out. It's on page one of Google, but it just feels like they've purposely come to tell you that they know you're a liar. The Flo and Joan thing. On stage, you don't refer to yourselves as Flo and Joan. We did it once and it took everything in my body to not be sick straight over the panel. I was like, I hate that. That's hideous. We did it once

and we're like, never again. We're never doing that again. That's so humiliating. We don't play characters. Flo and Joan are older names anyway. We're not playing older women. We're not doing sketch. We don't even call each other Nicola and Rosie on stage. We barely look at each other. It's a lot of effort to acknowledge that there's another person on the stage, so using a name feels like quite a stretch. Have you even worked out which one Flo would be and which one Joan would be? We know that. We have intel on that because Flo was really tiny and Joan was bigger, and that is us. Nicola's tiny, so she's Flo. On the most reductive version of it, it's one was short and one was tall, so I guess that's who's who if you desperately need an answer.

But in reality, it doesn't matter. But people are really like, so what are the other? Are you personality? It's just she was short and she's taller. That's literally it, like children understand it. It's very strange. So hold on, where does Flo and Joan come from? Am I missing something? No. Was it a fair question? It is. One short, one tall. Flo is our grandma, and Joan was her sister, so they'd always come visit us. And our mum would be like, Flo and Joan are coming down. They come down on the bus from Liverpool, insult your weight, and then you drink gin, and then you go back at the end of the weekend. Tell everyone they got fat. And then they came down once and were like, you look different. You look really different.

And they're like, she's got fatter. No, it's not that she's got fatter. She's definitely got fatter, though. Yeah, she has got fatter. And our mum was like, I've got new glasses. Maybe it's that. And I was like, it's definitely that. But they're like, no, she's definitely she piled it. You're like, okay, thanks for coming. They're funny though. They were great. Saddle laugh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love that you're listening to all that happening. And you're like, one day we're going to do a double act. We're going to name it after them. Just you wait. Did they like food flowing, Joan? I think they did. Are they foodies? They flow a lot of yogurt. Did she? I think so. They were sort of old school,

Liverpool scouts, so I'm sure there's a lot of hot pot scouts going on. A lot of stews. A lot of scouts. Didn't flow used to cook. I don't know if Joan ever cooked for us, but flow did. I don't know what flow used to cook. I was probably a bit too young. Yogurt and pie. Yogurt and pie. That's absolutely disgusting. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to yoghurt pie. I don't want to. I love those two things separately, but I feel like yogurt pie would, imagine cutting into a hot, I'm imagining a hot yogurt pie, and just like breaking that crust and being so excited about what's in the pie, and loads of hot yoghurt spills out of it. Well, hot yoghurt's not too far from like hot cream.

Melted ice cream. Yeah. Yeah, but it's got that fermented sort of like sour taste to it. So you don't, I don't, I don't want that. A yakult in a bit of pastry. What about if it was a pie where you cut into it and it was just the yogurt, but then you got like a crunch corner and you could sprinkle the thing on that you wanted. That would be nice. Does that make it better? I feel like I just don't want it at all. That's good. Like I don't, adding extra stuff to it at this point, I'm like, well, I just, just get rid of it completely. What about a mousse-y pie? You know, like a mousse that's close to a yoghurt, you know, strawberry ones inside of a pie? No, because then then it make a weird sound when you cut into it. It would go. That's the fun bit. I think it's,

it's just the thought of pastry with those things, isn't it? It's not a marriage made in heaven. But you brought cream over the top of a pie. I don't think yoghurt and pie are too far from each other. I think putting yoghurt on a pie, like a dessert pie, and spooning yoghurt on it as you would cream, I wouldn't object to that. Yes. Cutting open a pie and it's full of yoghurt. I think sounds disgusting. Yeah. You two are on tour at the moment. The same tour? Same tour. Same tour. We should do a, we should do a half and half maybe. No, sorry. Back to you. I think it's difficult enough to try and get them to see two of us at once. Or do like our own, we'll do the same show, but we'll do our own version of it. So we do your

interpretation in the first half and my interpretation in the second half. Or do all your lines in the first half and then all your lines in the second half. Oh, it can be like, you know, when you like read a book and then you like, you get one half from one, like one person writes one side, and then when you turn the book over the other way and it's upside down, you get to read it and the stories kind of meet in the middle. We could do it like that. So like, we'd suspend you upside down to do the second half of the show. So it'd be like, you've tipped the book up. Do I need to be hanging like a bat for this? I think it'll be a new string to our boat that people might appreciate.

For the sake of what other people will actually see when they come to the tour, is that's not going to be that, is it? You are doing a show together. It's called Sweet Release. Yes. Correct. Show together. Classic stuff. Actually, no, it's all new. It's not classic. No. I've seen, I've seen songs from it. I've seen bits from it at gigs. Have a nice, very, very good. Thank you. We're having a very good time. We're in the middle of it. No complaints so far? No. Great. None? No. Not one. Not one. So I highly recommend that people go to that tour. Yeah. Go to the tour. ASAP. We always start with Still or Spark and Water on the podcast. Do you have a preference?

And we're doing separate menus now. I was going to say, are we allowed to do separate ones? Yeah, I think so. Okay, good. I would love to do a separate one. Yeah. I don't want... Do you have quite different tastes? Yeah. I think so, yes. We share a lot of stuff, but I don't think our dream menus, we haven't really discussed it, but I don't think they're going to be similar. I'd be incredibly embarrassed if everything we said was exactly the same, thus fulfilling, I think, most things that people think about us of like, we're like, kind of, but an early and share a bed and all that kind of stuff. We should say our things at the same time and see if any of them match. I don't think they will.

Okay, well, let's do Still and Sparkling. Three, two, one. Sparkling. Okay, this is over. What I really like as well is it's so clear that you work together on stage every night because you so easily slip into the back and forth, just like that was, that was like, that was scripted. Yeah. Should we say the same thing? Yeah, okay. Three, two, one. Sparkling. Whoa! I think it's more, it's less that the onstage thing is an act and more that this is how we are in actual life, or we make no effort to perform in any way. Once we're on a stage, we're like, the songs will do the work or when we're talking, it's like, oh, you're there. Hello. Nice to meet you. Let's go with the next one. Nice to meet you every night.

Yes. Why Sparkling? Do you have different reasons? I think it's delicious. It's refreshing. The thing I like about Sparkling is that it feels almost like its own meal because it's got all the bubbles. So it feels like it's, yeah. It feels like, it feels like a bigger hole in the tummy. That sounds like something a model would have said in the 70s. Yeah. Just before I eat my tissue, I have a big glass of sparkling water and five cigarettes. It feels like a meal in itself. Well, it just offers me more than water. I love, water feels like a survival method, and Sparkling feels like a thriving method. Okay. Yeah. That's interesting. It feels

like it's got that added luxury. So it's not, you're not being forced to drink it. And who doesn't love a bubble? Bubbles are fun. Interesting. Everything's improved by a bubble. Sure. Do you not love a bubble? Everything's improved by a bubble. Yogurt pie. Better with bubbles in it. I'm going to, I'm going to. A bubbly yogurt pie. Yogurt pie now with bubbles, I think, is what we really want. I mean, yogurt with bubbles in general is going to be bad, right? You don't want bubbly yogurt. That's a gone off yogurt, just a fizzy yogurt. Yeah. Ah, I've had one once, had a fizzy yogurt

once. It's got gone off. One little spoonful. I was like, oh no. I don't like it. I don't like it. Really sad. When did you have a fizzy yogurt? Little kid. Little kid. He'd been left there. I was really excited about getting the yogurt. Open it up. Something's not right, but the sun still is really excited about it. So put the spoon in, put it in my mouth. It was all fizzy. Fizzy yogurt. Did it affect your body? Oh, it made me sad. Then yes. Yeah, yeah. So it affected my body like that, but nothing, you know, didn't have the shits. I'm sad that you said that you were a child because I was about to contribute my own story, but it happened like two weeks ago where I opened a smoothie that had been in my bag for like,

I'd say like two or three days, which I thought was fine. And I opened it in the front seat of the car. And Rosie said, has someone opened a packet of ham? I was like, oh no. I did still, I drank half of it and then was like, we're going to just generally leave this in there. You drank half of it. You drank half of the ham drink. It didn't taste like ham. Well, that's fine. Smell like a packet of ham when you open it. Down the hatch. Like badly stank, like a bad ham packet. But I was fine. Yeah. But that's pretty brave though, to be, because the smell is the biggest warning with stuff like that, to then be like, well, I can push through the ham smell and get this, get this smoothie down me. It didn't smell like ham.

It was only the backseat that commented on the ham. So you think it was so off, then, that the smell sunk to the bottom of the floor? Like fog. Yeah, like fog crawled under my seats into the back, into my nasal passage, crept up your arm and sat in your nostrils. Yeah, give that a crack. What I'm most confused about in the story is, Rosie, you were in the backseat. Yes. You were in the front of the car? Yes. Who else is in this car that you're not by sitting in the front? Because I can't imagine you with other people. It would just be the two of you in the front of the car, wouldn't it? Our tour manager, Maya, who we refer to as Lurch, she, she, yeah. She said she's having a fun talk. Do we? I don't think I've ever called her Lurch.

It's a Lurch, the show. Oh, no, he opened the door. She does the whole fucking show. I don't just call her like a driver. I was trying to think of what's the name of the people who drive the car. A chauffeur. Yeah. No, they've got names. Individual names. What's the name? I was thinking about, Lurch opens the door, doesn't he, in Adam's family. I think he drives the Hurts. I think he does drive as well. He drives the Hurts? Yes, I was thinking. He's not his main driver. He's not just their butler, isn't he? Like a butler, he drives the car. He does that. He's also, in case you didn't know, for next time you refer to your tour manager's Lurch, he's a huge ugly man with a flat head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a Frankenstein type,

like an undead kind of character. Yeah, the grunts doesn't even use words. Yeah, she's low skilled and doesn't save our asses every single day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So did she smell the Hams movie? I don't know, did she? Maybe at the point that it happened she was too polite to be like, what the fuck have I let myself in for in this fucking stinky clown car? I was also napping at the time, like I was half asleep and woke up because of the Hams smell. You woke up and the first ones out your mouth were someone open a packet of Hams. Which with Rosie, you don't know if it's like the dream awakening or she's actually like, it feels like it could be something that could have happened in a dream. Like it was someone open a packet of Hams and you're like,

oh, I was asleep. My tour manager's never, never had a prawn. What? No way. Can you imagine that? Well, never had a prawn in his life. Refuse, on the last tour I did with him, I was like, well, the end of the tour I have, you have to eat a prawn. Yeah. He was like, no, I couldn't possibly do that. Maybe on the next tour. And now it's the next tour. So it's a big thing. Yeah. And I buy those little, like the prawn dippers from Marks and Spencer's in the services. And even when I don't want them, I buy them to be like, is it a prawn today, Paul? Yeah. But then the other day, I tried, while he was driving, I held a prawn next to him and he didn't like that at all. He got really freaked out. And then I finished the prawns and there's just like sometimes a little

bit of liquid at the bottom of like prawn water. And I went, pull this liquid here and he's like, don't show me that. And I downed it in front of him. And he started retching when we were on the motorway. Oh, man, it's so funny. I mean, just so disgusting. It's so funny. Ed didn't make it to his gig this evening because he downed some prawn juice and his tour manager crashed the car. We rolled the car because of retching. Does he not like fish in general? Not really, I don't think. He's very plain taste. What does he eat from a service station? He'll get a sandwich. What's in sandwich? Just a normal sandwich, cheese sandwich.

No wonder you're down in prawn juice to keep yourself entertained on the road. You have the boring sandwich, man. Yeah, I think prawns are scary. Little lurch. Yeah, little lurch, yeah. Popped arms on bread. Popped arms on bread, Flo and Joan. Popped arms on bread. I'm a Popped arms person. Straight out. I just don't see. I have a proper Popped arms firstly because you can pick at them and no one's judging that you're picking at them, which I think is fine. If you like to pick. I'm a picker. Yeah. And so I think if you're picking at a bit of bread, it's a bit disgusting. But a Popped arm, you're fine to like snap it

and you haven't touched the rest of the thing. And I'm a big crisp fan. So that's fine. And I also have a rule that I won't order anything in a restaurant that I've had to make in food tech. So what I just won't do it. If you're a teaching 11 year olds to do it, then I don't think you should order it in a restaurant. Okay, this is great. So this is a rule. Well, how long have you had this rule? Since I did food tech. Since you did food tech. Or my first restaurant. I can't remember which one came first. Hold on a second. Since you were taught food tech or since you taught it? Since I became a food tech teacher at the age of 12, which makes sense.

No, since I did, I think we stopped doing food tech in like year nine. And after that, I think I was just like, I'm not eating lasagna or pasta or bread. Just anything that crumble, just anything that you had to make as a kid. I'm like, if you can make 12 year olds do it, then I don't want to order it in a restaurant. Do you admit that there might be a way of doing something better than an 11 year old does it? Absolutely not. I think that's surely where your cooking abilities peak. I just don't. Yeah, I just, if I've made it as food, I just don't want to eat it. I don't respect it. You don't respect it? No. So bread's one of those things. So you don't eat bread in a restaurant? Only in a restaurant. I don't want to pay for it

in a professional setting. Right, okay. Obviously I order it from the supermarket and stuff. I wouldn't order it in a restaurant. You made bread as a kid? Yeah, it wasn't good. Yeah, that was one of the early days things to make. Biscuits and then bread. But it was like, you brought in a bread packet mix, so you just added water. It wasn't like, we didn't sit there and raise it all together and that kind of stuff. It was just like, water in a packet and put it in the oven. So I'd say your bread roll is a little bit a bit harsh, but strict when it comes to that, because you didn't make proper bread in food tech. But you still made it. You made rubbish instant bread. But how do I know that a restaurant

isn't making instant bread? So you're suspicious that they've got a food tech class out the back? They've got Mrs. Child Labor and Mrs. Air teaching people how to make lasagna. We didn't do food tech at my school. Did you know, oh god, you missed out on the lovely smells of the food tech room and all the blunt knives and the crusty little fingers touching the lasagnas? The aprons that just got put in a dishwasher are all like a washing machine with no detergent whatsoever. So they just smelt of the custard on food of the class before you. Oh, lovely. These rooms are fucking stank. Our food tech lesson was always the last lesson of the day as well. So you literally took it out of the oven and pulled it straight into

your backpack because there was no time to let it cool or sit. A lasagna into a little bag. I remember sitting on the bus and with an apple crumble that had, no, it was like a blackberry crumble that had entirely sank to the point where it pushed the liquid over the top of the thing. And I got off the bus and looked like I'd bled through my skirt because it just like leaked all over me. And I hadn't ran. It was like a scalding hot like glass thing where I was just like on the bus like just get home, just get home. And it, yeah, it looked like I'd just been like stabbed in the belly on the bus. It was awful. So now I don't really like that kind of stuff. Sure. I mean, I think that's fair enough now. Now you've explained that.

Now you've explained that there's trauma involved. I think we can understand it. We've got poppidoms here. I for one admire the lengths that people can go to with artisanal bread. So I would always take bread at the start. Bread and butter. Spoonfuls of butter. Spoonfuls. Like Homer Simpson size bars of butter on top of my lovely artisanal breads. Crusty on the outside and soft and spongy pillow like on the inside. I'll have anything in the bread. Put whatever you want. I like a sourdough is a nice classic, but anything you've got, throw it into the bread and I'll have it. Anything. Anything. Yogurt. Yogurt and fizzy pie. I'll have that in my bread, please. Are you less of a picker?

I'm a huge picker. I'd say I'm more of a picker than you. Like I would save like penny full, penny sized worth of anything just to think the next day I might have this. Don't grab a bit of sweet corn in the pocket. I'll pick anything. Anything that I can see, I have to just put in. Anything. Again, anything. No rules. I've never had that. Like if I have a bit of bread and put a spoonful of butter on, a lot of the spoonful, that's going straight. I'm not like picking it apart. I'm not taking my time. It's no. Why am I? Well, I'll do that as well. Yeah. But you'll save one little tiny bit. Well, I'd always think, so if I was at home, I'll always think, oh, I could probably use that

little nubbin for something else. Like you could chop it up and make it into a crouton, or you could just wipe it in some butter in the morning if your cereal isn't enough or there's always a use. I live like it's World War One. I don't know if I'll see a banana ever again. So I save for everything. It's the early doors we haven't even got into your main menu yet, but I'll just confer with that. I don't want to go out on a limb here and say this, but like, um, Rosie, the bleakest guest we've ever had. Probably the bleakest guest we've ever had. Potentially. Potentially saving a tiny little bit of bread just in case something happens.

Wiping up some butter the next morning, that was what was the threat. Okay, the cereal wasn't enough. Presumably you're saving three bits of cereal for the next day in case the bread isn't enough. There'll be the fucking dust in the bottom of the packet where you're like, can I throw this away? And she'll be like, oh, but what if I need the dust tomorrow? Can you joke, but famously I have done that. Because the dust could just azure the next bowl. It didn't see a hint of joking in Nicola's eyes, which you were saying that. I'd actually say I'm helping the planet by using everything I can. Don't throw it away until it's got a physical movement to it. Till it smells like ham. Till it smells like, no, I'd probably,

I love ham. Yeah, use it. How are you using the cereal dust? You just add it to the next bowl, so you get your next fresh bowl, fresh box. You just put it on top because it makes all the milk nice and thick. No, not nice. Is it does? It goes like wet sawdust and it's horrible. Don't think you add extra milk, so it sort of balances it all out, you know. I'm not really a cereal boy. I find, because I'm type one diabetic, they can be too sugary sometimes. But you don't know this about me. I found a new type of cereal that's for health people. I don't know this, which is like a protein cereal, but very low in sugar, and it's called grandma crunch. I think that's the bleakest thing I've ever heard.

How long have you resisted telling me that? Because you wanted to save it for the podcast. Because I've been eating it for a couple of months now, and every time I eat it, I think I can't wait to tell James about grandma crunch. I imagine the front of that box is, it looks like Tony the tiger, but it's a grandma. She's absolutely happy. Is there a grandma on the front? Is there a grandma on the front? Yeah, grandma crunch. Grandma's are famously hurtling towards death. Why would you want to plant your cereal as something that you will die soon? Grandma crunch? No grandma wants to hear a crunch. Maybe that's the tagline of no grandma wants to hear a crunch, except for in her cereal.

The only crunch a grandma needs to hear. What kind of cereal a grandma crunch? Well, there's a range of flavours. I've only tried the peanut butter brownie one, but I mean, it tastes of nothing. It doesn't really taste of peanut butter. Oh, brownies? Yeah, and they sort of, because they're like, it's like six grams of sugar per bowl or something. So you bite in and it's like weird. Are they like flakes? No, they're balls. I was not expecting that. Were you expecting the flakes? Yeah, because I associate flakes with old people. So like, of course, yeah. Yeah, no, it feels like quite, quite a young cereal. Yeah, I think of like golden nuggets and stuff like that. Well, grandma crunches a jazzy lady. She's

young at heart. Yeah, exactly. You've got glasses, grandma crunch. What's she look like? From memory, yeah, I think she's got glasses. I've not spent a huge amount of time looking at grandma crunch. Well, I was so lucky she's got like a little pirate hat and like a pirate sword, just because there's something about the word crunch that makes me think that they're like maybe she's Captain Crunch's grandma or Captain Crunch's wife, but was, you know, wife when Captain Crunch was big and now she's grandma. Well, but I mean, he would have called the grandma crunch. I don't know. She might be branding it herself. He might not be involved. So her main thing about herself is that she's, she may not identify as a grandma.

Yeah. At the time, though, when Captain Crunch was big, she would identify as Mrs. Crunch's wife, but now she's in her old age. She's grandma crunch. Grandma crunch now. And he'll be grandpa crunch. Captain Crunch is grandpa crunch. Yeah. I don't think if you're a captain, though, you never lose that title, right? So I think you'll probably keep that. You'll always keep that. You'll always lord in that. I think he's more likely to call himself Captain Grandpa. Captain Grandpa. I would eat cereal called Captain Grandpa. That would make me feel like I was ready for the day. Yeah. What kind of cereal would Captain Grandpa be? Just the dust. Hopefully, yeah, just as if I had it my way.

Let's get into your menus proper now. I don't know who to start with really. I mean, do we start with the person who hates food tech or the person who's the bleakest human being I've ever met in my life. Let's start with Nicola and see what you would say. I want like a bucket of olives. Is this a surprise to you? No, you like an olive. I've heard that about me. A bucket of olives. A bucket of olives. Yeah. Just so that there's like a nice selection. I mean, it doesn't, it can be like a kid's bucket. I just want there to be like enough. I like that you're spending so much time talking about what sort of bucket it is. We weren't questioning the bucket. Like a seaside bucket. I just like, I think you either think

of a bucket of like those big like tin ones that they use in like rural productions of Annie or like little like seaside buckets. In the shape of a sand castle. I wouldn't request it, but if it came that way, I also wouldn't be angry about it because olives are kind of like sea tasty, aren't they? So like it wouldn't not make sense. Do you want a little shovel in it to eat the olives with? That would be cute. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. But this is all like none of it's been used in the sand people. No, no, no. It's not like pre-loved. It would have to be new, I think. This is interesting that you've picked olives as a starter. Yeah. Because I would say olives are like a pre-starter. They often come with the bread. Yeah. You might have hacked

poppadooms or bread with this. You could have hacked that course, had the olives, and then had a different starter now. It's too late now. It is too late. And I'm not smart enough to think that way. I think this, this is this, I get three things or like, yeah, yeah. But they I feel like you can pick at them and not get full. Picky stuff again. It's picking. And I want them to be like the size of, you know, those like those machines that you put 10p in and it'll give you like a little rubber ball or like a gobstopper. I want them to be like that size so they're like really nice and meaty. Yeah. Do these exist in the real world or is this your fantasy olives? Am I allowed fantasy olives? Yeah. Cool. Then they're my fantasy olives.

Okay. They're not like massive. They're slightly bigger than the biggest olive available. Yeah. A gulf ball size olive? No, no, no. That's too big. Don't be big. Sorry. I guess I ever spoke. A 10 pence piece maybe. That's a normal olive. Lots of olives are that kind of size. I'm thinking the Nando's olives, you get a Nando's pretty big. The Halkadikis. Excuse me. Halkadikis. Is that what they're called? And Halkadikis. There's definitely an olive called that or Hacklodiki. I don't know. You said the word definitely. And then each time you say another olive, I'm like, you've got no idea actually, have you? It's all insane. Yeah. But just like really meaty and like some of them are like stuffed

with stuff. And then you've got like little bits like sundried tomatoes. Oh, the Nando's olives are an absolute show in for that, I think. Yeah. You get little bits of mushroom and the garlic down again. All of that shit. So good. Little bits of chorizo and things like that. Oh, okay, okay. You're adding things as we go. I like that. Yeah. Just a little, is it more of a starter now if I'm like adding extra bits of stuff to it? Sure. But you might be in danger of adding so much stuff that the olives are just an ingredient in a dish. In a bucket of salt. The chorizo, that was a step over. Okay, are you going mainly green olives? I like a black olive as well. Mostly green, but I'll do a black or like the little ones. I would like the stones out. Yeah. Yeah,

they can have had them in at some point. Why do people bother? Why does anyone sell an unpitted olive? It's so un-dignified. We know that it's possible now to take the stones out. Why are we doing that? It's not like it tastes better. It tastes better with the fucking stone in. Now I've got to find a space on my saucer or whatever to like put this stone in a shameful way in front of everyone. And you have to spit it out. There's nothing more disgusting than sitting in a restaurant and spitting things out of your mouth. That's not a compliment. That's not, yeah, that's the opposite of what a restaurant would be. And it also bothers me when people spit them out and there's like still half an olive on it. Sure. Just you lose half the olive on

the stone. But then you've got to sit there and suck the stone dry. I'm pretty sure Rosie Starter is going to be a pocket full of olive stones. I'll make a stock out of them. Call me Captain Stones. What is your starter? My starter would be, I would like really thinly cut pieces of steak. Like I used to work in a butcher shop as a butcher and it's like a new one. Yeah, it's funny that you're immediately like as a butcher before you start questioning that I'm a hype man or something. I was a butcher where we used to get new steaks into the shop or like a nice steak or an off cut. The chefs out the back would always cook it up and and just cook it perfectly because they're all good chefs and then slice it up into they were like lovely

thin slices and you just go into the back and just eat all the different steaks and it was just like it was divine. It would be so I just want that sort of a platter of I want it to be cooked by them because it was it always felt right. All different cut like give me eight, nine, ten different types of steaks and just slice them nicely, salt and pepper crusts, maybe a little bit garlic butter I could dip them in. Swipe it in. Swipe it in, yes. Swipe it up in. Yeah, I'd like that because I don't want to be I mean it would probably be one giant steak worth by the end of it, wouldn't it? No, I love this. This is great. I think I would like that because they're picky still, salty to get the taste buds saluting and then really right. Yeah, I'd like full on big meat

for my stuff. Full on big meat. Where was it? So you were a you were a butcher in this butcher's shop, but they were chefs out the back. So yeah, they sort of everyone sort of crossed over a little bit. There'd be like a couple of guys who would make food for the shop, but all this all the butchers knew how to do good. If you're a butcher, you go on how to cook a good steak. So we'd have like hot plates and stuff out the back as well and barbecue. We had the big green egg over there. What was the name of this place? It was called bespoke butchers in Toronto. Sounds great. Toronto. It was the best. Yeah, we lived out there for a few years. What? So I became a butcher for a year and a half. That's what you're doing, but when people go

traveling. Yeah, you just get stuck. You all go through our butcher phase. Yeah. Happens to the best of us. It was the best job ever. It was so good. Yeah, I loved it. Better than the job you have now. I do fantasise about it, about when I'm dying on stage. I always think, I'd love to have a little pork chop in me. And now when I'm in Peterborough and being told the most interesting thing about the town is the passport office. I'd love to be hacking a little piggy up. So what? So you say eight or 10 different cuts of steak? Yeah, you know, you can go from like a ribeye, like a lovely... Oh, take us through them. You'd have all the biggies. I have a tenderloin. It's one of my least favourites, but it would be lovely and stuff. Tenderloin, I have my ribeye.

I'd have a nice sous vide chuck tail. That would be nice. Bit of sirloin. A bit of sirloin tip. I said a bit of sirloin tip. Bit of hanger steak. But the hanger steak would be nice to have a marinade on the hanger steak. How many have I done there? Six. Oh, a bit of tartar. Not tartar. Yeah, steak tartar. A bit tartar. But I think I'd like my tartar as a hanger steak tartar, rather than a tenderloin tartar. Bit more bite to it, is that right? Just more taste. More taste. Tenderloin just doesn't really give me a lot at all. That's all I need. If that's six or seven, then that's actually all I need. You don't want the steak well done? I don't really like rum that much. When you know you've got all the other good ones, I don't like it well done, no.

Yeah, Grig Davies. No, he wanted to fill it. Oh, he wanted to fill it steak well done. Can you imagine? You should just eat your shoe. Yeah. That's terrible. That's his dream meal. No. Oh, I used to like him. He said it was such a glee as well because he knew how much it would annoy us. That's terrible. But if you're going to have anything well done, it should be the tenderloin. Yeah. Because it's soft. But nothing should be well done. That is terrible. So at the start of this meal, this dream meal, are you both looking over at each other's plates and thinking, maybe I'll have a little bit of that. Little pick of that. If it's my dream meal, I don't know if I want to be eating it with you. Yeah, I was so upset. But if we were, which we eat a lot together.

Look, this is your dream meal. Who are you eating this dream meal with? I just assumed that you'd be eating this meal together, but we haven't even talked about this. Exactly. And listen, it's a dream restaurant. So anything can happen. So just for this meal, you can just not be able to see each other. Or just for the time you have in the meal, the other one, I could make them dead. Alive after the meal. Or you could be eating separately in like, you know, love is blind when they go into the little pods. You could both be in separate pods. Or back to back. Or just like you doing me an ASMR if you don't want that.

Don't move my earphones if you're sucking on an olive. I can just hear the rustle of you sprinkling cereal crumbs or whatever the f**k you're eating. You're digging into a bucket of olives, squelching as you get down to the bottom. The good thing is if we did eat together, it would be just eat like sometimes when you're eating with friends, you don't really take in the whole meal. So when we can happily sit and eat and not talk to each other. I love the idea that we've gone to the dream restaurant. We're sat at a table together in silence. Not even look, actually how we are on stage, of just not acknowledging that the other person's there.

Oh, you've got to be sat on a table just looking outwards. I'd have a TV playing with something maybe. I could sit with you talking just a little bit every now and again. How was your meal? Yeah, nice. How was yours? Yeah, nice. So this is your dream meal and you're suggesting that you'd be sat together, not really talking and you'd have a TV over Nicola's shoulder so you could watch that. Yeah, I would be fine. I don't know if I've got the mental capacity to think about alternatives right now, but I would be more than happy for that to be the scenario. But otherwise, you're on your way. I would enjoy being on my own with a TV,

but then there is that joy of sharing it. Here comes Blake, I would see more. Are you having this delightful meal on a tray like in Matilda, just on your own? No, I would like a normal plate, but it can be, I like a white plate. I don't like anything too decorative. Okay. Even I didn't realise how depressing you were actually. Everything you're saying is the kind of stuff that I think I would expect myself to say, and you've like outdone me on that kind of stuff. A white plate. Or you know when they write something. Like a premier in buffet. Honestly, yeah, because then you don't get any clashing of the colours. You know,

sometimes when you're eating and it will say like the name of the restaurant underneath and you'll think, oh, that's a piece of, oh, and it's not food. It's just the writing. Or like you're like, oh, that's a piece of stuff. I've never been fooled by the writing on a plate. Or just, you know, you think there's more on the plate. I just like plain white, or just something that's flat and normal. So that you don't get tricked by the plate. I just don't like, yeah, I don't. So don't go and clang your fork into the plate you tried to eat of the cartoon of a beef. Yeah, but I don't, I don't see a huge problem with that. I think that's quite a simple way of living. And it's quite nice. Yep. And also, I don't think your

starters bleak. I think the starter is very nice. Sounds great. Really into that. And cooked by people that I like the experience there. It would remind me of my good days. Now, I know you don't like a plate with anything on it, but I, when you, when you started going through this steak starter, I imagined a big plate with like one of those maps of a cow on it. And each bit of the steak is wet on the body of the cow where it comes from. I don't like that. No. Well, firstly, I'll know where the bit of the cow, I'll know where it comes from. Okay, that's no fun for you. Yeah. Secondly, I don't really want to stare in the eye of the animal that I'm eating from. Well, you're a butcher, so that's mad.

Yeah, I literally did stare into the eye of the real human. Needed to get over that. Yeah. But you know, when you're eating, you know, it's been reminded of it, do you? I know where it's come from. I know the journey of the cow. You don't need to be constantly fooled if it's a cow, right? Yeah. You'll be constantly trying to. Oh, I'm all big. Ow! Ow! Ow! I have my hand again. I was going to take this to the dishwasher. Actually, I stole some more on this. Straighten with your face. Smash your teeth on the chin. Oh, I tried to eat the cow again. Remain course. Do you want to go first? I'll go first. We can topsy-telsy as we go.

Topsy-telsy is our phrase. Yes. If you need a new doublet name at any point, I think topsy-telsy. Topsy-telsy. I don't think people could feel more embarrassed for us if we were called topsy-telsy. Yeah. Topsy-telsy makes us think that we would be doing an act like, you know, the woodlice in Bugs Life, where they're just flipping each other around on little sea sores and stuff. That could be fun. Anyway, my main course, this is pretty classic, but I love a curry. I love a spicy curry. So, I really thought about this long and hardened at the end of the day. It's a spicy curry that I really... That is my dream meal. I would like a selection of spicy curries, though, and one non-spicy, like a sweeter curry, like a... Korma or butter chicken?

Maybe a butter chicken or like a masala, just a teak masala. Actually, yeah, let's go teak masala. And then just like a selection of four or five, just little bowls of curry. The pashawai naan, the pilau, the poppy-dums. Can I have the poppy-dums in that bit? Yeah, I'll have the pop-dums in that bit. I'm going to let it go. That is part of the meal. You can't really have a curry. Why would you offer poppy-dums and bread if you're allowed to order it for your main course, anyway? People can hack the menu. We're happy for people to hack it. Well, they call me menu hack hack. Some people who listen to this podcast think it's very strict,

even though we've never been strict with anyone, really. People are like, what do you force people to choose between these things? We haven't done that. We haven't forced anyone. I love all the chutneys. I like the chutneys that you don't quite know what they are. It's rather funny colours. You get a red one every now and again or a yellow. They all taste very similar. I'm not quite sure which one. I love the onion salad. I love that. Lashings of that. I love a lime pickle. Maybe like a homemade lime pickle or something like that. Not like the jar ones, like a really good one. Yeah, Bitmango chutney. Yeah, I love all the dips. I'm not even looking at it as that. I love all the dip.

Dab it up into the corner. What curries you got? Well, this is the thing as well. I don't really, I eat like a lot of all day. I try and have a different curry wherever I go. So I just sort of just lose track. If I need to make a quick decision, I'll ask for a madrasp, a bit spicier. I like a Jalfrazi, but I'll always ask for that spicier. I like anything that's got the fresh green chilli in it and you bite into it and it like gets you going for each mouthful. I'd like maybe have a bite of the chilli and then a bite of the chicken tikka masala so I can get a bit spice out of the masala. I don't like anything too dry. I like a good sauce. I like it when you get big chunks of pepper in there. Yeah, now I'm really up for trying sort of anything.

As long as it's spicy though, that's the real big. I like that you've got a system as well, that yeah, bit of the spicy one, bit of the less spicy one, then you're back into them. Because often with spice, you lose any sort of sugar and sugar is a very nice in a curry, like a real sort of a dinger of a bit of sugar. So I would like mix that. Especially if it's creamy as well and you've got like sort of quite a non-creamy, like a Jalfrazi isn't too creamy. So you can just get the creamy sauce again with the Jalfrazi. I do like a mix as well, big curry soup. Yeah. And if you've got any recommendations, I'll always take them as well. So if you're going to a curry house for the first time and you look at the menu,

are you just going for the one that has the most little chilies by the side of it? Definitely, yeah. Naga. I will be partial to one of those, but is it a Naga? I'm probably saying it wrong, aren't I? I think I say Naga, but that's right. I don't know what I'm on about. I don't know. I'll probably, if I ordered, I'd say Naga, I think. It depends. Some have like a three chili and some have a four chili. Sometimes I won't get the four chili because it's subjective, isn't it? You never know what the chef is thinking that day. So yeah, I'll often, I often won't risk it on a Naga just in case. Yeah. You've got these little bowls all around you, you know, in a demi-clock.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. And you're dipping in, you've got everything you've got. I think you've got a full, a full thing there. A big, yeah. A big white plate in the middle that I can just slide it all on to. A big white plate. Yeah. The naan on the side. I like a naan that's folded as well, but it's folded over so that it gets a little bit wet and moist in it, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. I like that. Or from the bag. I quite like a naan from the back. A wet naan bag. Yeah. Wet naan bag. It's really good. And when you open it, you get the lovely smell that comes out as well. Yeah. Actually, I would like a tiny bit of garlic naan as well with that. I like... Is that, are you saving that for tomorrow? That's to, yeah, that is to save.

I try to think actually quite logically of what I would like. And yeah, I think a garlic naan would be a bit nicer the next day than a fish fry. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, this is like, that's quite a feast. Are we looking at a feast for your main as well? Not really. I mean, well, now I feel like the pressure to order a bunch of stuff. But no, there's like a restaurant in, I forget what it is. It's next to the Mary Poppins Theatre. I don't know why. Old Compton Street? Old Compton Street, yeah, called One's Tea Room. And they do this aberico char suey pork with like a sugar skin. And it's one of the greatest things I've ever eaten in my life. It's so good. I really

like salt and sweet together. So it's like exactly that. It's like a little bit caramelized, but you got like the really nice, porky, like meaty, fatty bits. Just that with like a nice little claypot of like rice and that kind of stuff. The end. That's how I've never been there. It's so amazing. One's Tea Room, W-U-N. One's Tea Room. It's really good. And it's all like, you sort of go underground and it feels like the sort of 60s or 70s, you sit in little bamboo chairs and all that kind of stuff. Amazing. Amazing cocktails and oh, it's so good. Is that where they're always queuing?

It might be. I've never seen a queue out there, you know. There's one place I'll come to that they're always queuing up. There's, well, the place next to Shack for You, it's not that place. No, no, no. It's literally on the corner. It's, yeah, literally on the corner. I went with a friend the first time I went and walked straight past it, even though it's on the corner. That's not an interesting story. I like it. Tell it again. Tell it again. Tell it again.

It's fine. Yeah, it's just really everything about it. Like there's just like loads and loads of stuff you can pick off that menu, but those are like my favorite. It's just so good. It's just really like aromatic and flavourful and like a lot of salt and sweet. And the good, it's a good sharer as well. Like just bringing out the order. Just don't try and don't try and get in on this. It's really good if there's two forks that go with it. Yeah, but you're watching TV or whatever, you're a part of this man. And I want the most decorated plate you've ever seen in your life.

You want the entire plate to have a sort of a high res picture of pork on it. Yeah. Yeah. Where it looks like a 3D illusion. Like a street artist has painted it on the plate in chalk. So far, if I was going to have a dream meal made out of these, I would have had Rosie's starter. But I'd have Nicholas's main. Yeah, that's a meaty meal so far. You've got to play it at stake and play it at pork.

Yeah. Sounds delicious. Yeah, it does. Those sound like they're the things I want to try. I really want to try that pork. It's legitimately incredible. We've got to go. It's so good.

We had some good pork the other day. We went out for my birthday to Sabor, Spanish restaurant. And upstairs, they do roast suckling pig. And you can either get a quarter or a half or a whole roast suckling pig. We got half a roast suckling pig and it came in it. It was amazing. How big was it? Holy shit.

It was big, wasn't it? So it was a big suckling, it was a biggie pig. It was, it was a, it wasn't like a biggie pig. Yeah. It was a. Wasn't a hog. It was a midgie pig. It wasn't a hog.

Yeah, it was a little pig, but it was, it was amazing. Cooked to perfection. Guess what they cut it with? Guess what, guess what implement they used to cut the suckling pig? Their own fingers. Did they use the shaking, like mini-sort? No need. It's so, it's so tender.

It's so tender. A button eye? No. Were they, were they blue on it? They cut it with wind. Yeah, it's sort of dodgy. In sort of pandemic times, it didn't feel great that they were just blowing all over it.

They put a tiny desk fan in front of the pig and let its skin slowly fall off the bones. Do you want to reveal? A plate. A little plate. Oh, that's lovely. They got a plate and they just cut it with a, with a plate. Oh my God.

That's so fun. Like just a normal plate? It's a normal plate. It was incredible. That's what amazing. They show off how perfectly- The head is on there. The face is there.

Yeah. Which I didn't have a problem with. No, but what was really fun thing was that they were, they were handing, you know, they cut it all up with a plate in chunks and the face was just one chunk on its own. And everything else that they cut up was like face sized as well. And they were passing the plate around the way it was and got to my girlfriend.

And she couldn't quite see over the plate and thought that the face was just the same as everything else. She thought that was normal. And so she just took it so nonchalantly. Just, just, just got the face and just put it on her plate. Really happy. Like, thank you very much. And everyone else, I knew, because I know her,

she didn't mean to do that. And everyone else thought, wow. She's really just gone for that straight away. She's going to eat the face, I guess. And I'd be like, that's the face. She looked down. We saw her and go, thank you very much. Put it on her plate.

And then looked down and go, So absolutely. And just like, really good crowd. But you like the face in the end? I like the face in the end. The face is good. I like the bite of the face. Great.

Have you ever had, I think it's guanciale, which is cured pig cheek? I think it's guanciale. I think I have had it. It's like a, yeah. It's delicious. Pig cheek is like, just as good as lots of the other. The pig's the only animal that you can pretty much eat

every single part of the pig, even like the tail. You can use them in all very interesting ways. I've never seen snout being used. Do you reckon snout could be used? I'm sure there's something, there must be... There'd be like meat in there, wouldn't there? Meat in that snout. Yeah, there'd be a little bit of meat in the snout.

Wasn't there something... That's the way you went. Are you recommended to me? I'm a celebrity. Manteca, maybe. Manteca, they did like a snout thing. No, I don't think there was snout in there. I thought you were going to say a snout fest.

Snout fest, yeah. How much snout can you eat? I don't think there was snout in there. I don't know. I don't know, Ed. I reckon I'm sure you could probably eat a snout, I'm sure. I wouldn't, myself. Too much.

I'd watch someone else do it first and then say. Well, you would if someone ate an entire pig and just left the snout. You would be in there like, don't throw that away. Yeah, I'll leave that. Leave that for tomorrow. For my little Jiffy bag. Yeah, great onto my cereal.

I think that pork sounds incredible. Yeah, sounds so good. I'm going to seek this out. Yes. Sorry, what did you eat your suckling pig with? We got loads of stuff with it, didn't we? We got a bunch of different sides, a bunch of different things, but like, you know,

we had, because it's like a share place. So we had some octopus that was like butter melted in the mouth. Yeah, so good. I don't know. Amazing croquettes. Really good. There's some potatoes with it as well.

Absolutely everything on the menu was amazing. It was such a good meal. I think octopus is the most disgusting thing in the world. Have you never seen the videos of them? How can you watch a video of that and then think that you can eat it? What do you mean? Well, I avoid the videos of it

because I think they're delicious, genuinely. Like, I've never seen that, my octopus teacher saying, no, I won't watch anything where everyone's like, oh, octopus is as clever as a four-year-old boy. It's like, well, that's pretty sick. That's not impressive. It's quite sick.

If you met a human who had the attempts for a four-year-old boy, you'd be like, unless it was a four-year-old boy, you'd be like, I'll eat you. Yeah. Mine's more of like, I don't really care too much for the octopus. It's the look of them.

Creepy. It's absolutely grotesque. When you see them like, going through a small hole in a boat, they fit their giant, stupid fucking head through a tiny hole in the boat and then slither back out or it'll jump into the boat through the tiny hole.

I saw a video of an octopus the other day like crawling along a beach, basically. Like sliding along a beach. And its head was so big, it was like lolling. It was like lolling along. What are you watching that for? Someone showed it to me. I said you didn't watch any videos of octopuses.

Charlie showed it to me. We're having one of our great dates. Charlie showed me. Watching an octopus hump its way along the sand. We went to, on one of our days off the other day, we went to a beach somewhere in, the gig was in Norwich, so somewhere around that area, someone was like, there's loads of seals there.

And I thought there was just like, there'd be like a smattering of seals. There were fucking hundreds of seals. I've never seen so many. They fucking stacked. It was the worst thing I've ever smelled. And I've never been so embarrassed for an animal, because I'd never realised until that point

that they've got no arms, and they literally just hump their way around. But they're gorgeous to look at. They look like giant Labrador things. They do. They look really pretty and cute, but watching the move, I was like, oh, that's humiliating.

That's a real, I'm really embarrassed. They hump for a little bit, and then stop because they get so tired, because they're just giant chunks of fat. And then hump a little bit more. They'll like, if they have to find all their different place on the sand. So they'll hump a bit,

and they won't get to the right place that they need. So they've accidentally touched another seal, and then the other seal will hump itself round and move the other seal if it's humping. It is, we were there for hours just watching it. The whole beach, if you're ever in Norwich, go and see the seals.

My favourite thing about them is they get tired, and then they just lie on their sides with their little fins crossed over their chest like they've died. They are gorgeous to look at, but they fucking stink. I'm really glad to be a human after those chats. Yeah.

Seems like the best one. Dream side dishes. You've both done a county thing and put a lot of the side dishes with the main anyway. So this is like a little extra bonus side dish. I'm not adding these because I particularly like love vegetables, but I feel like I need a vegetable.

Fair. I don't eat many, so I know that it's something I need. So just like a lot of greeny, like I like a Lund stem broccoli with like an asparagus and just that kind of stuff and like a nice kind of aromatic-y, buttery, garlic-y, sesame seed-y.

It sounds so, I sound like truly the most boring woman in the world, but I just want like a lot of nice greeny. I think it sounds tasty. I think it'd be just to like offset the sugar and the salt, just something still salty vegetables, but at least you know it's a vegetable.

So what we're talking about exactly, asparagus. Asparagus, Lund stem broccoli. You can chuck some spinach in there. Yeah. Some like mongetouille, greeny, beanie, like a crunchy green bean rather than like a soft green bean. Yeah.

What's about an edamame? I didn't ask you. I feel like you're suggesting an edamame because you want to eat some edamame off my dinner. I love edamame. I don't like edamame. There'll be no edamame. I don't think you two should have this dinner together.

It would just be me trying to touch her. Getting hit away. Taking little pieces so that you can take it home in a little bag. Yeah. Yeah, just any kind of green veg. Yeah. Just that.

So unlike you, you are not a vegeter at all. No, but… Any kind of green veg. But be specific though. I think… Nicola has been specific enough. Hot steamed vegetables.

How much more specific? I can give you the length of the asparagus. Yeah, yeah. I just want to know the exact vegetables. I think we've heard the exact vegetables. I just want to… But then added on the end was any green thing. I just want to know.

But you know the sort of thing. Anything steamed green. Yeah. I want… And I've been even more specific than broccoli. I've said long-stemmed broccoli. I feel like you're trying to push us into saying the wrong thing. No.

You're trying to push us to say the secret ingredient. No. Oh my God. Are we walking near it? I'm not trying to push anyone. Are we? I just want to be specific. I just want to make sure we've been as clear as possible.

Are you not enjoying this podcast so you're pushing your secret ingredient like that? No, no. Listen, the way it's working, we've got two guests on today doing separate meals. If one of you picks a secret ingredient. And we both out. That one person is out.

Thank God. Wonderful. That's the only upside to being a double act. The other one has to watch from the window outside. I just want to make sure we're fair. You're the least subtle person I've ever met in my life. Someone's never said just anything. Maybe keep talking.

Just any green… Anything green in there as well. So they wore the green things. That'd be quite funny to check someone out when you've backed them into a corner and made them say… Yeah, it's really funny. Entrapment. But what do you want?

Yeah, what do you want? Can I remind you that you said all of your sides in your main already? So maybe we just stop there. I don't need anything green. I'm thinking maybe a bit… A little portion of my mum's going to get bolognese. I'd like a little bit of that.

But not a big one because I don't want to get full up. Just a tiny one. Oh, she just cooked them. She just came to go with the curry. Is it good? Is it good? It's lovely, yeah. I'm asking you.

Oh, sorry. I think it's good. But again, I just… Yeah, it's fine. I mean, it is good, but I don't like it enough to order it in a restaurant. With all due respect to our mum. If I've got that in a restaurant,

I've eaten spaghetti in a restaurant. And if I get that in a restaurant… Because you make it in a restaurant, thank you. Did you say I've eaten spaghetti in a restaurant? I've had more than one spaghetti in a restaurant. And I would be over the moon if it was mum's. She really simmers it for ages. She puts extra tomato in it.

She'll do chopped tomatoes and passata. Yeah. So it really just creates this lovely soupy… You like sloppy food, don't you? I like sticky… You like sloppy old food. Yeah, we're a sloppy baby. I really do.

I love the idea as well. You create a situation there where you say, if I ordered a spaghetti bolognese in a restaurant, I'd be over the moon if it was mum's. Just like a mum I used to make. You could eat in a restaurant, you eat a whole bowl of spaghetti bolognese, and then just at the last second,

your mum just pops her head out of the kitchen. She's like, it was mine! I'm over the moon! You like float into the air. It's a slight spin around. Yeah. She goes, gotcha! Mum would say, gotcha.

Gotcha, I made the meal. Our mum doesn't look too far from the mum on the dolmio sauce. Oh, yeah? The poppet. She's got dark hair. Except that she's not Italian. She's from Portsmouth. She has got dark hair there.

It looks like a mum. Who's the mum on the sauce? Because all I can genuinely think of is the poppet. Or I think it was the mum punch. Well, on the advert, I just assumed that they were on the sauce too. It's the puppet mum. Puppet mum, but there's only the dark hair in. Your mum looks like a puppet, is the only thing?

Is that why that's why I'm gambling? I've been a Swedish chef, and I think dolmio mum is better. Yeah. I think you're going to google what that puppet looks like when we get out of this room and realise you are quite spectacularly wrong. You got a photo of your mum on you? Yeah.

Let's just get a look. We'll judge you if this looks like a puppet. I'll get a picture of the dolmio puppet up. Yeah. So someone google grandma crunch. The dolmio puppet mum doesn't have dark hair. Does she not? No.

Oh my gosh, she's got grey hair. Our mum maybe looks a bit more like the guy then. Okay. Because she's got dark hair. Why do you think you're so long in the front of a photo of your mum? She doesn't look like that. Okay, your mum looks like a very normal person. There's absolutely nothing like any of the dolmio family.

It's the dark hair in the smile, I think. What are you talking about? That's a normal smile. Normal handkerchief. Is your mum going to use glasses? That's also not a good photo of her. She looks haunty. She has her...

I don't know, graduation day. It's not going to get into why. All the photos that Rosie is showing us of her mum has a mortarboard on. That's the same girl. Oh, sorry. I haven't even thought of every single photo. She's graduated, I'm sorry. Have you ever been somewhere else?

Yeah. I don't have another one. It's either that or when she's really young. With graduation. I thought I imagined it too. When you're coming out of the picture now. When you're in the message, are you thinking you're spaghetti bolognese

or there's a kitchen doors bar, so she's there in a full mortarboard and gown. Gotcha. It's like holding a scroll. Yeah. Gotcha. Coming into my eyes. So it's just a little white shit that happens.

On top of a mortarboard. She did her main prank. So you've got a little bolognese. Just a little taster, yeah. Just to remind me of the women who shot me out. Okay. Okay. Did she say gotcha?

Did she pop out and say gotcha? Yeah. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah, she did. A little bit. Gotcha, a little bit. Dream drink.

So I struggled with this in general. Can I get like a palette cleansing between everything? So things like, because it wouldn't be part of like my dream meal necessarily, but it is my dream drink. Is that okay? Yeah, yes. I want the first cup of tea you make

when you've been away for a long time. Okay. I just like, I like my tea in a specific way. And I really miss not being able to drink it when I'm away. And I want it at like that temperature where it's like hot, but it doesn't burn your mouth. So you can like drink it and it kind of like buzzes all the inside of your mouth.

It doesn't take the skin off your tongue. And I'm not trying to trap you again. Are these specifics about this tea? Because you're saying it has to be how you like it. So like, what are you doing? How much milk is in it? How long are you leaving the tea bag in for? I leave.

I use a PG tips tea bag. Keep it simple. There's no other tea bag that's worth consuming. This isn't about you. Sorry. But can I? Hey, we can all completely understand why you had to get that fork out your head.

Yeah. Because there's no other tea bag worth consuming, I'd say. I've had to be on record. I hope my shirt is tattooed on. I've got to say as well, we made a joke right at the top of the podcast about Brexit taste buds. I think the first cup of tea you have when you've been away

is the most Brexit thing I've ever had in my life. I really hate it. I really hate it. Well, you've got to sit there and drink all that foreign milk then you finally get home to good old blood tea and you have a proper cup of tea. That's the taste I want. I've had more like travel-odged tea bags

where it's like a little dirty cup and a UHT milk where it just doesn't taste ideal. Do you even bother with that? Yeah, because I like, I drink tea and water and that's about it. I like drink booze, but like. And ham smoothie. Ham smoothie, tea and tea is like,

I drink like an obscene amount of tea. Wow. How many cups a day? I can do eight to 10. And I drink like big double mugs. Wow, do you like tea? Yeah. That's what I'm getting from that.

Yeah. Yeah. I sound completely normal. And I haven't had a cup of tea in years. No, no, I don't drink. I don't. I know. I'm fucking.

Do you drink coffee? Do you drink hot drink? I drink coffee all day, yeah. Do you? Very rarely drink coffee. So you're not a hot drink man? Hot chocolate. I love hot chocolate.

Oh, yeah. I'll have a herbal tea. Yes. But I don't think I've had a cup of tea since 2013. Oh, my God. What happened in 2013? Yeah. Had my wisdom teeth out.

In bed feeling sorry for myself. And then I didn't get to go to the shops for ages. Ran out of normal tea. Started just moving on to the herbals. No, actually, I was quite enjoying myself. Never went back. Whenever there's a story like this, which is just like a weird part of James's life,

I always just look at Benito for the whole thing because he loves nothing more than a story like that from James. Yeah. He really. Had my wisdom teeth out. He really laughs at anything that's like. Are you laid up for that long when your wisdom teeth are out?

How long could you not leave the house for to get more tea? Well, I got unlucky. What happened was, I got a thing called dry socket. Where they take out your wisdom teeth. And instead of everything just like healing back up and cool, there was a hole that went from, I guess, just the outside world down my gums straight to the bone.

So then air was getting in through my mouth and touching the bone that was down below. And it really, really hurt. The hole wasn't from the outside world, James. Well, that's why that's where the whole holes start. Yeah, but it wasn't out with your face. There wasn't a hole in your face. There's a second hole to my mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. And that led to the outside world. So the air would go through the mouth. Outside world, into my mouth, down the hole in my gums, straight to the bone and it really hurt. So I was laid up in bed. I kept trying to get emergency dentist appointments and couldn't.

And obviously I was just on liquids only. So I went through the tea bags pretty fast. And then it was on to the herbal tea. Wasn't the tea going filling the hole? Yeah, it was hard. The tea's part of the outside world as well, right? Yeah, it was hard. But it was either that or not,

you know, not have anything. Yeah. So you didn't even eat? You didn't consume? I had soup. Oh my gosh. So that's getting in from the outside world. Not a yoghurt pie.

But I kind of mainly go over to one side of the mouth, you know, try and get it away from the dry socket. Like lull the head over. Yeah, yeah. God, that actually sounds terrible. It wasn't nice. And I had loads of clove oil that I put on to numb it up so it didn't hurt as much.

Then I was in a tiny little bedroom at that point. You could touch all the walls or laying in bed. And the whole thing stank of cloves. No. By the end there's a stank of clothes. Imagine this guy calling you bleak. Yeah. This guy who was in a bed

where he could touch all walls with his feet and arms and stank of clove oil. And had dry socket. Oh, dry socket. Dry socket. Looks to me from the dark ages. Yes, but that was who I was. Was there straw all over your floor and a donkey next door?

Like that's what it sounds like. I once made a soup and it was the worst soup I'd ever made in my life. And I thought it had like loads and loads of like herbs and stuff in it. And I spent, and spices, and I spent ages making it. And when I ate it, it tasted like porridge. And it was fucking filth. It was, and I was really angry because I spent the whole day making it. And Rosie came home from work and was like, I can fix this.

And put in a handful of cloves. I reckon there was over 19 cloves in there. Yeah. It was. I can fix this. I can fix this. Here's the worst ingredient ever. When you use a clove, use like one or two maybe.

And she literally put in a fist full of cloves. And so not only did it taste like, it was great. It looked like gruel. It was supposed to be Indian wedding soup. It was a bad wedding. It looked like porridge. It was great. And then every mouthful you took, you got like eight cloves.

It like coat, like literally clothe your mouth. You'd feel like a sheen on your whole mouth. Yeah. Yeah. We shouldn't. Was that the name of the recipe Indian wedding soup? It wasn't a soup that you were making to take to an Indian wedding. I would have been the most least welcome.

We shoved it down the toilet. Yeah. And shove is the right word. Just punching it down like played it. It was absolutely awesome. Why did you shove it down the toilet? It was inedible. Yeah, yeah, no.

Okay. I understand you wanted to get rid of it. Yeah, that bit I understood. You wanted to get rid of it. Why a toilet? Because there, you can't put it down the sink because it will just clog up the sink. Oh no, that wasn't what we thought was the first option.

Who think in the bin was the first option, not the sink? Because then you've just got a bag of wet in the bin. Do not. And then that back, that back break. Imagine if that bag broke and the Indian wedding seat went all over the bin and the floor. If we would be cursed for never getting married ever again. Yeah.

I would personally put it in a bin bag. Then take the bin bag straight out. Then take the bin bag. But then it's so much better than that. You don't waste a bin bag. The toilet is there. And it's used to getting just, it's used to getting anything down there.

Yeah, it's used to getting in. It should be Harold getting an Indian wedding seat. With extra clothes. It's feeling all right today. Honestly, I've just done an Indian wedding seat with extra clothes. Well, yeah, I went in. No, no, I made it with my sister. That sounds like me and my friend, Alex Rosedale,

once tried to make George's mother's medicine out of his mum's medicine cabinet. Yes. He just poured all these pills in and stuff. And I went, oh God, his mum found us doing it and went absolutely apeshit. He's like, have you drunk any of this? Don't make yourself sick.

Make yourself sick. Had you actually drunk it? No, no, no, no. We literally just poured everything we could find and there was like pills bubbling around in the top. That is so funny and like so high stakes. Like so high stakes. And also, so, I think our age of the 90s of like,

Rosedale just causing absolute havoc for all children everywhere. We used to think one of our teachers was a witch. When we were like eight years old and we just called her a witch all the time, which I think is very funny and we enjoyed it as children. But I imagine as a teacher, when you've got enough stuff going on,

you're just like, fuck off. Just fuck off. Stop calling me a witch. Yeah, this is embarrassing for you. We had a teacher who genuinely, I think, was a witch. Interesting. It was genuinely like she used like a high bun like that was and really like, yeah, definitely like no toes.

Yeah, percolized. Yeah, for sure. She did this when you walked past. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, didn't like the smell of children. We've only got one dream drink so far. Oh, yes. Mine is, I think in Toronto,

there's a beer company called Steam Whistle. It's a Pilsner and I just remember drinking it and thinking, this is perfection, this is great. When it's cold, I love the bottle that comes in. It was hard because I also love, if it's my dream restaurant, I absolutely love champagne. I don't know anything about it,

but when someone gives you a glass of champagne, it's luxe. Luxe? It's a luxurious. It's so luxurious. I'm having my champagne. Champagne is luxurious. Champagne. Oh, you're smiling at me.

Oh, madame, you're smiling at me. It's a luxury, a champagne. Just one bubble after another. Ambassador. Well, do you want the beer or do you want a... Can I have first, do you think? Can I, why don't I have a double? Maybe beer to start with my curry.

And then, actually, no, maybe a glass of champagne at the beginning like I'm at my own wedding. And then... I'll bring the soup. And then beer through the curry, the Steam Whistle. And then just probably champagne as for the... I'll just chop and change one in each hand. I think that's allowed.

Yeah. So, champagne in a pilsner. Yeah. It's very different, isn't it? Very different dream drinks here. Like, at this point, if you had to, you know, have something of each other's menus, what do you think is like the worst thing

that you could be given from the other person's menu? I could eat all of yours, but probably a sand bucket full of olives would be lowest down. There wasn't sand in the bucket. There's probably a bit of sand left over from yours. A little bit. No, I requested a clean bucket, I think. I'm a clean bucket woman.

Probably olives because, you know, you can just get them from a shop at any point. And I wouldn't want... I don't think I'd need your bread. No. You like a bit of bread. I didn't say I didn't like it. So, I didn't need it.

I've seen your eyes light up when you get a good sandwich. Again, I didn't say I didn't like bread. Said I didn't need your bread. Okay. We're learning why you don't talk to each other on stage. So, we arrive at your dream dessert. We haven't even had you, like, try and predict each other at any point.

Do you... Oh, yeah. This would be a good time to predict. You think you might know what the other person's going to choose as dream dessert? I could guess at yours. Shall I? Yeah.

Shall I, boys and girls? Yeah. Topsy and tailpiece, haven't I, Matthew? My guess would be a baked Alaska. Wrong. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. The delight in your eyes when you said wrong there.

Wrong. Even if it was right. Wrong. Stupid. To be fair, even if it was right, I would now do an absolute 180 and choose it. I'm thinking of all the desserts I want there. Why did you think baked Alaska?

I do like baked Alaska. Because you, yeah, well, for that reason. Yeah. Got it straight forward. Yeah. Mum makes a cracking one and... Gotcha. Gotcha.

That's my baked Alaska. That's my baked Alaska. Throw some waterboard in the air like that. Yeah. Yeah. It's from freeze-drove. Yeah. Yeah.

That is the baked Alaska. And she just stays there forever. She just freezes in the air whenever we see her again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do like to bake Alaska. I don't really like desserts.

So that's like when I choose if I had to have a dessert, but I don't really like them. So what's about to happen now? I want a bowl of stale watsits, please. Go fuck yourself forever. What the fuck? What? What?

Are you joking? No. It might be the worst one we've ever had. That's the worst one we've ever had. What the... Living fuck. That's the worst one we've ever had. How the fuck?

How what? No, even I could get on board with that. What? Nobody, even somebody who likes watsits can't get on board with that. A bowl of stale watsits for dessert. I'll be doing my own solo show. We were talking about baked Alaska a minute ago.

A bowl of stale watsits. How is that a pudding? It's not, but I don't like puddings, really. Well, why don't you put that... As a baked Alaska, which you admitted you liked a minute ago, and put a stale watsits somewhere else because I don't want a dessert. Like, I never order a dessert when I go to a restaurant.

I never, ever, ever want it. I can vouch for that, she doesn't. Why? Can we talk about why stale watsits? You know, when you go to a party in 1997, it's like kid's birthday party, and you've like, everyone's picked at loads of stuff and there's bowls of stuff.

The watsits go stale and they taste so lovely and chewy. I fucking love them. And I like, again, like, like picking. So I don't want to like... I want to eat and really enjoy my main meal. So I don't want to be like, holding myself back for a dessert. But I can just pick at a watsit and I can just pick at them until they're done.

The worst dish, and it was ever chosen on the podcast, ever. Not just dessert. Any course, ever. A bowl of stale watsits. It's nearly... I think it's... What the fuck? Thank you.

I think with... It's a long side, Daisy May Coopers. Pizza hut salad. Look. For dessert. For dessert. Pizza hut salad. Pizza hut buffet.

Salad for dessert. Yeah. Where we have like croutons and bacon and stuff in it. That was bad and made me angry. This is way worse. This is not even a good version of the thing you've chosen. Yeah. So you've chosen...

You haven't even said a bowl of watsits. You said a bowl of stale watsits, which I've had a stale watsit and it's disgusting. I just fucking love them. It's why they're not sold that way. I buy watsits and I will open the bag, go away on tour for a week, and then eat them when I come home.

Oh, and have it with your tea that you've been missing. Stale watsits is English wedding soup. What the... As mad as I think this is, there is actually quite a nice like joy in eating, like something that's puffy, but it's slightly like cracky. Like it cracks in your mouth.

It's chewy. Well done for making that case even worse. Yeah, I don't usually have this. Made a bad thing sound even worse. There's a joy in eating something that's puffy, but cracky. What? Well, you get the night,

you get the sort of soft crunch and then it goes into... That's horrible. Right, well, I might be coming around to the watsits. No, you're not. There's no way you're coming around to it. He's saying you're coming around to it to try and wind me up. And it's working, is it?

Yeah. Would you feel the same feeling with like chip sticks or anything else that's sort of like mazy? I like a stale chip stick, but... Stale again. What the hell is the matter with you? No, they're like two, they taste like communion bread.

You know, like church bread. Skips, but like fishy church bread. Don't want that. But yeah, it's only like chip sticks and watsits. I just... If I'd stopped using a word stale and said infused with more air, would that make you feel better? No, it wouldn't make me feel better.

Okay, well, it's worth a try. Maybe it would make me feel slightly better. Also, now you are coming around to it. No, I'm not coming round to anything. If you said for your dessert you want a bowl of watsits, I'd still go through the roof. But the fact that you went stale watsits, I'm going up into space.

Absolutely. Because it's horrendous. See Rosie, she's over the moon at the moment. Hrendous. Oh, man. Do you know what? Absolutely, you don't regret trying to push her to say the secret ingredient earlier.

I wish you hadn't said it. I wish you had said it. It was rocket, by the way. I wish you had said it. And you would have been out of the mess, but you never would have said stale watsits. I would have stood outside in my little stale bag of watsits, watching the rest of you enjoy a nice evening with our dormio, Mum.

You won't be outside eating your stale bag of watsits because we're going to chuck you out. And you wouldn't have got anything that you planned on having in here. Ever again. I suppose it's like a cheese board, really. It's a similar sort of something salty and cheesy at the end. What? So it makes it even worse.

Congratulations. Yes. Even worse. The worst cheese board ever. Stale watsits. Oh, my. Good God. What the?

Rosie, no pressure. Stale chipsticks. After seeing your reaction, I'm slightly nervous about this, but it is sugary. It's sugary. Sugary. Sugary. It is a sugary.

It's a funny campaign. I would like a really big bag of pick-a-mix. OK. Yeah? Yeah, we have it. Look. But here's the caveat. And this is why I'm slightly scared to say it.

I really love pick-a-mix that, you know, the old, like old, like in Wilco's, you get the candy king or like an old sweet shop. I like the sweets to feel a bit, yeah, the Woolworths. I like them to feel a bit old. Great. Stale. No problem.

I don't, I wouldn't say stale because I don't think sweets can go stale. But what's your problem with stale? Stale watts, it's been not a stale sweets. Oh, I don't know. Let me look at what course one. Fucking dessert. So that would be why.

That would be why. If you put stale watts, it's earlier in the meal. I'd have let it go. We would have had a bit of a laugh about it. This is a crime. If I'd said once, there are a few years ago, they made ice cream flavour monster munch. Would you accept that?

Yeah, I'd be more open to that. Well, that's not my choice. I was just checking. I know it's not your choice. But you said ice cream flavour monster munch. I'd be like, oh, that's definitely a dessert. It's a dessert flavour. I'd like to hear about this.

I'd ask questions about it. They'd be very intrigued. Or maybe even want to try to my screen flavour monster munch. I have no interest in ever eating a bowl of stale watts. It's especially not for dessert. If I had a meal and the end dessert, someone bought out stale wattsits, it would be the worst meal I'd ever had.

It certainly wouldn't be my dream meal. So what's in your picker mix? Fried eggs. Fried eggs, definitely. I love anything sort of strawberry-ish. I love laces. I love the big snakes. I love the pink bottles that have the white foamy on the bottom.

Oh, I'm not... No? Yeah, we're getting into territory. I don't enjoy now. OK. If you say white chocolate mice, I think we've pretty much parted company. I would prefer a white chocolate snazzle.

Is that what they're called? Razzle. Razzle. I know what you mean. They're little disks that have the hundreds and thousands. I'd rather, if I was going into chocolate territory, I'd rather have the razzles. Snazzles?

What are they called? Razzles. Snash. I don't know what are they called. Snashles. I don't know what they're called. Snash. I like a fresh-bagged snack.

It's basically Liza Minnelli now. Yeah. A real snack roll. A erno-dean picker mix. I don't know if that's snack. What answer I like. I like these. Stay fear the chocolate ones in pick and mix.

Yeah. I'll only take a few, just every now and again, you just need a slight different change of pace. So a little white chocolate thing would come in. I do like a pink chocolate piggy sometimes. I've seen the pink chocolate piggies. You never? No.

You haven't been to the right pick and mix. No, really not. They're pretty common now. Like little pig heads. Pink pig heads. Well, I love a pig head. We've established that. Your girlfriend will have one.

Your girlfriend will have one. We love your pig heads. Your girlfriend's just in the World War II information. Yeah. You can't blame them out of the plate. I opened the bag. Oh, God! Put in a little plate.

Just get them out. Your mum pops out the pick and mix. Gotcha! Always in the mortarboard. Always in the mortarboard. Just pops out, literally pops her head out of the pile. Gotcha! Mum!

Had the Beatles about of like, cookery. Graduation and cookery. I also had this other thought where, because I was thinking dream rest. I was trying to think of like Perfect Meal, but also dream restaurant. It's, do you remember in Willy Wonka, when he eats the cup, he eats the tea cup?

Yes. I was wondering if you could, like if I could get hold of that, just to know what that taste was like. So maybe if that was aside my pick and mix, because pick and mix would be my ideal, like my death row kind of thing. But if it's dream, something I can't get hold of,

it'd be Willy Wonka's little tea cup. Does he drink, he drinks from the chocolate river and then? He drinks and then he bites off the side. And I always just was so interested. What is, what is it, what is it possible? Do you hear that? Oh, grumbly. Has Tommy really wanted that chocolate with a tea cup?

Yeah, I was thinking about the chocolate with a tea cup. That's amazing, isn't it? You burst into Willy Wonka. Little cane and walk out of the room. Yeah. Do a cartwheel over the table. Thank you. I just needed you to say my name.

Do you want chocolate river in the cup or just the cup? Yeah, I'll have a bit of chocolate river, because that's the whole experience really, isn't it? Yeah, a bit of chocolate river. Pre-gloop, falling in. Pre-gloop. Oh, I'd have a bit of gloop in there, actually. Yeah, why not?

Give me a, let me toast the boy. This new character you've established during the course of the year. Okay, be a glass of champagne, I'd let me toast the boy. Bring on the gloop. Is there like foam bananas, foam prawns? Yeah, I have a few. Give that to your tour manager. I'd have a few, but I'm not huge on the prawns.

They sometimes give me a bit of a headache, the shrimpy things. I would prefer more jelly-ish. I love it when you get like a wine gum, but they're like the old ones that would say like the actual thing, or they say like burgundy on the port. And they, if you sort of like bend them, then you can see the top crack. Do you know what I mean?

Like when they're old and nice. Cracky and puffy. Cracky and puffy. Cracky and puffy. I'll take my, oh, I love the bubbly red and black disc thingy. You know, the little, what are they called? The red and black bubbly things. The berries at, yeah, the berries, the berries.

I love, only a few of them had them. Woolworths used to have them, but I haven't seen them since. It's the flat smiley faces. You're getting green, orange, yellow. No. Pretty much that. I love the spider.

It will, sometimes they're octopus or spider, and the bum will be jelly inside of it. Do you know what I mean? You're making them up now. You're just making them up, because we're not stopping you and you're going, I need to come up with some more. The spider with the, and the bum is jelly.

The bum is jelly. There'll be people who will know. I mean, the, the bum will be like slightly raised or the octopus will be slightly raised and it will have like more goopy stuff in it. Uh-huh. I like that. Cola bottles.

Yeah. I will have one for the sake of it being a classic, but I'm not huge on them. They're my favorite. The sour cola bottles. The pink and blue ones. Not really. Oh my gosh.

I really like the traditional cola bottles. Yeah. Hey, does anyone else do this? I bite the lid like the top off and pretend to drink the cola. I was with you until the drinking day. Yeah, yeah. I always do that.

Every time I have one, bite the top off and go glug glug glug glug glug. No? No. You guys are missing out on a load of fun. Do you like the cherry cola bottles? Yeah, I like them. Yeah. Yeah, they're good.

Yeah, they're the best. Uh-huh. At Paul's, Paul's Corner Shop, round the corner from where I grew up in Kevin, that's, that would be my go-to. Cherry cola, the giant cherry cola bottles. Yeah. Very excited about those.

Yes. And they never counted the sweets in it. So let's just say I did all right. Yeah, I might go that business. Is the business still going? Yeah, it is. Yeah. And feel quite, I mean, anytime we go back to Kevin,

if I ever go in that shop, just feel weird. Yeah. Feels like, oh, I'm a little kid again. Yeah. And I went in there to buy, yeah, me and my friends, we're going to my mate's house, went in there to get some beer beforehand, and it felt very weird buying alcohol at Paul's Corner Shop.

Yeah. I felt I was going to get ID'd. So here we go. Is it still Paul who works there? Yeah, but they've, well, I don't know. I think maybe it's his family's still, but they've, yeah, it still pretty much looks the same.

Did you get those 20p ice poles and stuff in there as well, or those weird little plastic tubes that were just filled with blue? Yeah, yeah. Get those on the way back from school. Yeah. And Solero shots. Yeah, Solero shots.

We never spoke about them on the pot. They were fucking great. They are so, so good. And like genuinely quench your thirst. Yeah. Genuinely. And the Spider-Man ice lodger, remember the pink ones, remember them?

No, no. It's on September 5th. Mating up with Spiders again. He's got jelly in the ass. You guys must have seen it. The spiders, what the jelly in the ass? The spiders were there, and the octopuses were there,

and a candy man was there. I mean, I hate to keep on boinging your mum up, but it does feel like you're going to get us so that we believe one of these, and then your mum births since there's a catchphrase in Leeds. She's come all the way up to London. Yeah.

Yeah. Gotcha. There's no spider with jelly in it, but girls are very proud of you. I'm going to read your menus back to you now, see how you feel about them. Water course, you both said sparkly water. Poppidoms or bread?

We've got poppidoms and bread. Nicholas, we've got poppidoms. Rosie's got the bread and spoonfuls of butter. Starter, Nicholas. Bucket of fantasy olives, and sun-dried tomatoes with chorizo. Rosie, six to seven types of thinly-cut steak with garlic butter

from? The Spoked Bitches. In Toronto. Main course. Ibiriko, char, stew soy, pork, and rice. Rosie, selection of spicy curries, tikka masala,

peshwari, and garlic naan. Pilla of rice popping up. How do we let it get away with this? With all the tips and luscious, luscious of onion salad. Side dish. Let's go. Green veg with butter and garlic.

Rosie, mum's spag bowl. Gotcha. Gotcha. Drink. Nick, the first cup of tea that you have when you come back from being away. Rosie's champagne and in-wistle pilsner. Dessert.

Rosie's slightly old pick-and-mix with Willy Wonka's teacup. And that's it. Maybe the end of the podcast. Maybe the end of the podcast. Certainly the end of our career, I think. Yeah, well, listen, we're not going to be working together again.

That is... That was a risk I was willing to take. You've crossed the line. I love it. I can't believe it. Thank you for crossing the line. Thank you. I can't believe it. Shall I say goodbye, James?

Forever. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Thank you for having us. It was a pleasure. Yeah. It was a pleasure. It was a pleasure.

Oh, thank you so much. See you later. I've had the none of my life. More bubbles next time. Well, there we are, a lovely episode with Flo and Joan. Yummer, yummer. They got through it all without saying rocket as well,

which I'm kind of annoyed about. I thought we've got two people. Definitely one of them's going to say the secret ingredient, but neither of them did. We didn't get to chuck one out and have the other one in. That would have been so funny. Yeah. I think we've got to book more people in pairs now

so that that will happen one day. And give increasingly broad secret ingredients, like rocket, pretty broad. Pretty broad. I think it's going to have to be dinner. Yeah, we thought we were going to get them. I say we get on Jade Adams and her friend Babs together and we make the secret ingredient,

hundreds and thousands again. Yeah. And we chuck Jade out. Yeah, because no way that Jade will be able to resist saying, immediately saying hundreds and thousands. We definitely have it as a starter. As a starter. Yeah, a bowl of hundreds of thousands.

Get out, Jade. It's just Babs now. Just Babs. I'm on tour at gamble.co.uk for tickets. The show's called Electric. I'm enjoying doing it, but also Flo and Joan are on tour. The wonderful Flo and Joan here you just heard there.

The show's called Sweet Release. Go and check it out. Flo and Joan.com for tickets to that. Very exciting stuff. What more is there to say, Ed? I'd like to thank Willys Pies. Yeah. Willys Pies for sending us some pies,

some amazing pies. Really good pies. Did you get the bake well? Yes. As well. That was very, very nice. That was great. They sent us a curried mutton.

They sent us a chicken and tarragon. And they sent us some bake well. And boy, oh boy, especially that curried mutton. I think they changed their flavors every week. Go and have a look. I think they delivered nationwide. But thank you very much for those. Absolutely delicious.

Really nice. And, you know, I mean, I know it sounds obvious, but the pastry is delicious. And that is what makes a pie, man. The fillings? Sure. It's important. And they nail the fillings.

But it's the pastry I fall in love with, Ed. Yeah. And boy, oh boy, am I in love with that pastry. I'm also under this jumper wearing a Willys Pies t-shirt that they sent me. Wow. It says pie and mash on it. Also, Ed, I'd like to say a big thank you

to Hotel Chocolat for giving me my chocolate day. Yes, James and his chocolate day on my birthday. Yep. I went there and they taught me how to make hot chocolate for my velvetizer. Yeah. And I also did some savory cooking with chocolate. I did some white chocolate mash.

Yeah. And we did some braised beef with this dark chocolate sauce. And people can do this themselves as well. They can go for a day out. You can contact Hotel Chocolat, you can go on the website and you can book yourself a day in the kitchens there and learn how to make some chocolate, try some new. It may even try some new flavors that haven't gone

on the market yet. I was very worried because we were going out for a meal that night for my birthday, weren't we? Yes, you were worried. And I was worried because you were eating all your chocolate. Yeah. And texting me going, oh God, I'm really full. Yeah.

At 11 o'clock in the morning, I went for my chocolate day and I got out at one and I'd eaten a lot of chocolate. And I was very worried about it. And I knew I had Ed's birthday meal in the evening. So I walked home for three hours in order to walk it off. Did some exercise when I got home and then went to Ed's meal and I was ready to go. You were.

You were. You did. Good boy. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again next week, probably. Bye-bye. Goodbye. Hello, it's me, Amy Glentale.

You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience

to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glentale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian?

It's already out now, Amy. Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.