Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 165: Richard Ayoade

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

BAFTA-winning actor, comedian, writer and filmmaker Richard Ayoade has a table booked this week. And he knows the way to James's heart. Richard Ayoade’s children's book ‘The Book That No One Wanted To Read’ is published on 6th Oct by Walker Books. Buy it here. Follow Richard on Twitter @RichardAyoade Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive. Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations). Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the tortilla chips of the internet, pouring over the guacamole of humor, adding the nacho cheese of good times, and sharing it with your friends, like all good podcasts should be. That is The Voice of Ed Campbell. My name is James A. Caster. We own a dream restaurant. We invite a guest in every single week. We ask them their favorite ever start of main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Richard Ioddy. Of course, it is. This is exciting. Yes. Good

stuff. I mean, I, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to say before it even starts, I'm sure that all the listeners, you know, the fans of this podcast are fans of Richard Ioddy. Yeah, absolutely. There's a lot of crossover. Most probably one of the most requested. Yeah. Guests. We sort of have a list of guests who get shouted out the most. Yes. That people want to come on. We've had a fair few of them now. We have. We're working our way through that list. We are. We listen. We listen. We do listen. But these are of course all people we want on anyway. Come on. But it's a wonderful crossover between the list and people we're very excited to have on today. Yes. Obviously, you know, accolades, too many to list, really,

all the things that Richard's been involved in. He's also got a book coming out soon, the book that no one wanted to read. It's called October the 6th, if it comes out. Yes. It's a kid's book. Yeah. It's four children. But let's face it, I bet a lot of adults would enjoy it. I'm going to read it. That's my reading level anyway at the moment. So you must go and buy the book that no one wanted to read. It's out on the 6th of October, 2022. 2022, year of our Lord. However, even though we all love Richard and we all love his new book, if it says the secret ingredient, an ingredient that we have dictated we don't like. Yes. Then we are going to kick him out of the dream restaurant. Now, this one,

this week, isn't one we don't like. We like it. We do. But it's related to his career. Yeah. Secret ingredient is broccoli. Broccoli, specifically because of an episode of Garth Marengi's Dark Place where everyone starts turning into broccoli. Why is she green? Why is she green? This is favorite. Yeah. One of this is favorite things ever in the commentary for Garth Marengi. Yes. This will probably come up in this episode because, well, look, this is an obsessive Garth Marengi fan. I was as well, but I'll not be bringing that up because it'll be weird in the small room with someone going, hey, before your show came out on DVD, I bought it on an illegal DVD from eBay. That's great. I didn't know you did that.

Yeah, I did. I also owned it on DVD. Nish has a theory that it's like summer, but basically that everyone who's a comedian now owns Garth Marengi on DVD. Yeah. That generation, our generation of comics all watched it and all owned it. Yeah. That's this whole theory about the whole. I mean, Barry Minow also used to do a character who was a romantic novelist that was basically just sex Garth Marengi. Yeah. And it was good. I love Selston Krupp. Yeah, Selston Krupp. But yeah, so that's, we'll see if Richard chooses Broccoli. Yeah. He'll be out even though, you know. I kind of, you know what, I like Broccoli, but big normal Broccoli I'm less into. I think since Tender Stems hit the

scene, purple sprouting, there's less of a need for the big trees. That is true. The big trees I like to roast. I like to roast them up after I've chopped up the stalk. Well, I chop up the stalk and use it in the trees of Broccoli Pasta and then I keep the heads and then I roast them. No waste. No waste. And you eat the plastic, don't you? And then I eat the plastic. They come up to you. Yeah, I chew that like chewing gum all day long. Well, let's get to it, I say. Yeah, I think so. This is the off-menu menu of Richard Awani. Welcome, Richard, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Okay. Welcome, Richard Awani to the Dream Restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time.

I think it's very brave of you to do this show without a pop shield. Because I've listened to an excellent podcast. First, can I congratulate the two of you. But often I've actually felt that you're almost inside me, James, such as the propulsive force of your appearance. Like you're in my head. It's so, it's 3D, the sound. They're spit on the desk. Oh, yeah. I'm absolutely drenched. I definitely spat on my own portion of the desk. I don't know if it made it across to you. It was a big, it was a very spitty one. Yeah, I had a coffee and then I had some water after the coffee so that my teeth wouldn't stain that much. You know, very conscious of that. Does that work?

So, hang on, how do you stop the staining? What's your skin? As soon as I've had the coffee, I just drink a big water. A big water? Yeah, to really like... You rinse it down. Yeah, to really like... Okay, wow. Wash the teeth. And is that recommended by dentists? But my dentist told me. Yeah. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend a tea. Rinse, yeah. Straight after a tea. A big water. Big water, rinse it down. Have a big water. Yeah, big water. And it's got to be big. It's got to be big. Was that in a pint glass or just from a bucket? Well, this is actually just in a tumbler. Okay, that's the actual water.

Yeah, I'm big on it. Big gulps. Yeah, big. Big gulps is my nickname. Yeah, that's your street name. Yeah, I love a big gulp. Big gulps. Yeah. What do you think about this? Big gulps gamble. That's what they call you. Here's a bit of advice from big gulps. Well, by my dentist, little gulps. He said, brush your teeth. As soon as you get up, don't have a coffee and then brush your teeth, because then what you're doing is pummeling the coffee into your teeth. Pummeling, yes. Yeah, that's what I do. And this first thing I do is brush your...

Actually from within the bed. Yeah. Yeah. Like wise and grommet. Yeah, I won't even step out until it's that bad. It's the stench. It's so accurate. What's the most advice your dentist has ever given you? Grow up. Yeah. This one, grow up, mate. Yeah. You're too old for this. He was actually Danny Glover, my dentist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First and many film references, I hope.

I hope so. I hope so. I mean, I could try and relate on a human level, but it's probably best to do it via media. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I absolutely do that. You got favourite food scenes from films? That's a good question. I always find it slightly pre-possessing when people are eating in films. You're aware that they're pacing themselves. Yes. Because it's small bites. Yes.

So I think maybe the things that you remember are when someone really tucks in. Yeah. Three colours red, not the first time it will have been mentioned, has a very good scene where Ren Jakob drinks an entire... I mean, it's a big water, maybe she just had a coffee. After a ballet session, and it's a full bottle, and she drinks all of it, and you do go... That was decent drinking. I know what you mean about you really start focusing on, because if they're just moving it around the plate,

you're like, that's the actor avoiding eating our food. Yeah, that's like the fifth take. When they go for it, you're like, how many takes did they do? Did they eat that much every time? Or were they like, look, this is the take where I'm going to eat the food, so... Switch on the camera. This is it. And the look up after that take, there's going to be some pleading in that look to say, please. I hope that was good enough.

Well, we mentioned Chris Pratt briefly before we started recording. I read something recently about him that when he was a big boy filming Parks and Rec, there was a scene where he was eating ribs, and he would eat a whole rack of ribs for every scene just to make Nick Hoffman laugh. Big goals Pratt. He was the OGBG. That is extraordinary. I like people eating from tin plates in films to show how kind of blue collar they are.

I like when they're pushing that and taking big kind of side of the mouth chunks from a plate. Swayze was very good at that. Roadhouse, I'm thinking of. Yeah, very good eating in Roadhouse. And also I like people eating chicken and just tearing a big chunk off. They don't care because, you know, they get paid in cash. So I like that kind of eating. It's like a medieval king, sort of like a Game of Thrones style feast.

I'm not familiar with Game of Thrones. I know it exists. I'd hope that would be goose. Ripping a big bit off a bird leg and then throwing it away. I understand. Yes. You know, I can feel that can become a bit rote medieval eating. I like a kind of 80s double denim from a lunchbox kind of eating.

The chicken in a lunchbox. Ideally chicken. I can't imagine someone opening a lunchbox with this chicken in there. Or like a chicken drumstick. When you say you can't imagine it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm imagining a whole chicken in a lunchbox. So when you say you couldn't imagine it, how hard had you tried?

Well, I'm still trying to imagine it. And I can't really think. Just a chicken leg, no. Just a chicken leg in a lunchbox. Yeah. Did you never, I often in a paper towel, in a kitchen roll, single chicken leg. And then you use the chicken leg around the bottom of the drumstick

so that, you know, you can still. Yeah, I don't think it's an unusual thing. And also, I think James has seen a lunchbox and a chicken leg. So he can imagine those two things. I just can't imagine that. I think you're underselling your powers of imagination. What else would be when you were a little boy? Hang on.

This has taken a very aggressive tone immediately. What else? It's as if the lunchbox is just a write-off now because there's a chicken. For a start, you could put that in a tinfoil, the chicken, or a tinfoil. And again, that's very nice to wrap the bone back up in afterwards. To dispose of later. And then normal stuff in the lunchbox. Sandwich, could be a drink, carrot stick, chocolate.

Look, I'm on board with that. Yeah, but I wanted to know all the details of Richard's lunch, but he was a little boy. Wow. Would you have a chicken leg every day? Yeah, every day, twice a day. Big gulps, Richard, that's what they called me. Do you have two chicken legs a day?

Yeah, two chicken legs. Were they from the same chicken? No. I liked it to be a variety of chickens and I'd kill them myself. That was part of the morning routine, get up. Brush the teeth, sauce a chicken, kill it. And then I'd have to probably brine it, boil it, fry it. So I was getting up at four by the end.

It felt like an insult that you wrapped the chicken legs in foil before you killed the chicken. Yes, exactly. I like to sweat that chicken before it dies. What was your favourite sandwich for them? Yes, I quite like corned beef in a sandwich. When young, peanut butter and jam. Peanut butter now is probably not making any appearance

in school sandwiches because of the nut allergies. Right. So it's a whole generation we're losing. Yeah, because you're a parent now. I am a parent. So you... As of this podcast, yeah. You've been thinking a lot about that.

I'm thinking, yeah, I mean, you've got to take into account. You cannot be lacked about that. I mean, the hazelnuts that I was just flinging about the joint now, I've got to just keep in my pouch. And in an airtight pouch as well. I can't be walking around with nuts on my person. Where do you keep the pouch then? Next to the chicken legs in there.

It's a very big lunchbox. Is there other things touching the chicken that's distressing you so much, James, in that lunchbox? What was in your lunchbox? In my lunchbox, there would be sandwiches, cling filmed. What's in the sandwich, what's the filling? You've done me that. I don't like it when the tables are turned, do you?

No, no, I quite like it in a way. Because what's happened is, when we were kids, my brother would have peanut butter and honey in his sandwiches. That is, I've never, that's never a cut to me. And that's so immediately my mind went to that, even though I never, I never ate that. Well, not surprised, you're not going to forget that. How did that come about?

I mean, presumably an accident, like the invention of a kind of penicillin. It was just this big thing in my house of like, you know, the peanut butter and honey. Yeah. Well, honey, I guess is a big thing in your house anyway, right? Yeah, obviously. I mean, they're a family sweet tooth. Oh, no, okay. Oh, if we, if we, I tell you what, if the egg has to find the word bee key, because we'd be dead by now. Yeah, well, you would have been in the bees to try and get more of it.

We would have sucked all the honey out of the bees themselves. Okay, wow. We would have grabbed the bees and put them in our mouths and sucked the honey out. Specifically honey or anything sweet. Anything sweet. Okay, right. So same would happen if you were in a sugar factory. Yeah, yeah. You've just got to avoid sugar.

That'd be it. But like, the, you know, the way the poo where, you know, he gets stuck in the hogs, he's so obsessed with getting the honey, would be every single member of my family apart from my mum. Yeah, okay. My mum would be clear of it. Not into sugar. No, she would be like, okay. She's very much the rabbit of the poo.

So she's the feeder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're all stuck in the hole trying to get the honey in. You can't get out. You can't think about anything else. Yeah. And what we're in your sandwiches, Ed? Pretty straightforward, I'd say.

Ham and cheese. Ham and cheese. Love ham and cheese. Sometimes that's sort of pre-done, weird cheese stuff from a pot, where it's like cheese spread. And cheese spread would be like mayo. Like Philadelphia. Yeah, that sort of thing.

Yeah, like a cream cheese. But the sort of one where it's like grated cheese, but then there's like spring onions. I see what you mean. That sort of thing. Yeah. But I'd eat that at morning break, and then I'd sneak into school lunches.

Interesting. Yes. What I did, and I'm ashamed to even admit it, I do feel bad about this. My mum gave me money for school lunch. I didn't buy a school lunch. I'd say to my mum, I'm so hungry, because I'm doing so much stuff.

Maybe I could have a pack lunch as well. I think she must have known. Yeah. And I just saved that school money for... I stole. That's what it is. I stole, and I cheated, and I lied. And I bought records on the Friday.

Well, a record with my school money. Before you said it, I was going to say, I'm sure that whatever you spent money on was so wholesome and fine that it wasn't naughty. When you said records, I was like, yeah, that was one of my guesses. Yeah, and what was left over was a crack. It was a straight, straight.

It was actually when you said you saved the money. Yeah. I immediately assumed you meant you actually saved it. Oh, I did save. Yeah, and eventually, I'd loan it back to my mum at Interest. So in a way, she was getting hit from both ends. Yeah. Yeah.

But I do still have pangs about that still. Really? That's really... Do you? I do. It's not... Because it's a daily lie. Each day I was going,

so hungry at school again. But then, surely the records would show up and she would know when he's got that from someone. No, it was all cash and hand at school. It was run by the mafia, the kitchen. There was no... No, it wasn't done directly. You paid cash, or maybe you didn't.

Maybe I told my mum it was a cash till. But I mean, you would be listening to vinyl at home or something. Yeah. Wouldn't she be like, well, he's got that from somewhere. I'd say they were very cheap and they're from Kabut cells. I mean, it really spirals as well. Yeah, it does, it spirals. And often I get them from second-hand shops.

So conceivably, they could have been relatively cheap. I think she would have been quite relieved that that's what you were lying about as a teenager. Yeah, but still, it's not a good start to the day. It's a slippery slope. I mean, I've brushed my teeth, but after that, it's downhill. Killed a chicken. I killed a chicken, wrapped in tinfoil, stolen money from over.

Maybe you're so eager to brush your teeth because you knew you were about to dirty yourself with lice. That was true. Clean myself as soon as possible. I did dirty myself with lice. His teeth were about to tell some lies. That's a lovely way of putting it. I did dirty myself.

The book that no one wanted to read. Ring any bells? For me. Yes, I wrote it. Yes. Thank you for mentioning it. That's very kind of you. It's a book for children.

Although I suppose you could read it to not be a child. I mean, it's up to you. It's about a book that a child encountered in a library, and the book is very high up on a shelf out of the way and refuses to be touched or read because the book is frightened that it has nothing inside itself. I mean, the kids won't know what that's about, but I think every adult listening to this went,

well, the book is Richard. Yes. Well, there's nothing better than writing a book that the children will not know what is about when this is for children. The children will enjoy the story on the surface. That's the quote. They will.

Can we use that on the cover, actually? Children will not know what this is about. They will know. Won't they? They'll know deep down something. Yeah, they will never enjoy the story at all. I hope so. But I doubt they will go, I know the subtext here.

Well, look, I don't know that it's full subtext because if anything, I think that's the text of me. Yes. I don't know that that's even the subtext. I'm wearing that very much on my sleeve, where I could be wearing sleeves. Also, a lot of the time you might read, there's about the alphabet,

and you go, oh, a publisher has written this or someone else has. Maybe yours, it's very clear that you have. Yes, OK. Right, what does it say? You've put it to Nick because he says, Richard Ayawadi is a highly tolerated British comedian. Yeah, that was me.

But they immediately accepted that. They didn't go, oh, no, they wouldn't know. That's fair enough. That's a fair description. You are tolerated. Straight there. Whereas you've absolutely stitched Tor Freeman the illustrator up like a kipper there.

Oh, she wrote hers. Oh, really? What did she say? Oh, she's just listed all her brilliant achievements. Oh, yeah. I just waited from Kingston University. Yeah. It's looking pretty good there.

That was tolerating Tor Freeman. Yeah, yeah, done a lot of good work in the past. Illustrations are excellent. Nothing to apologize for. Was it a new challenge in a kids book? Well, I didn't necessarily set out to write one. It wasn't part of any plan. I think just the idea occurred,

and then I just went through it. Again, it's not a great story, I'd have to say. I need to work on this anecdote. If it's truly to earn its place in the anecdote pantheon. We're a great opportunity for people to hone their sort of PR, their PR options. OK, here's, here's. It was a great challenge writing the book,

and I love a challenge, and I grasped it. And I think if you're out there, and you want to take on a challenge, then do it. Because you know what? Life's about meeting challenges and overcoming them. That's good. That's really good, yeah. Just sounds so bad.

That didn't from me. I can't. I think if you just started speaking like that all the time. I know. That people would love it. I was briefly captain of the cricket team in my school, and I was fired for demoralising the cricket team. And I think that was the only time that had ever happened.

I like cricket, and they said, I wasn't even aware of it, but I think occasionally I said, look, the other team's very strong. We could resist, or we could go home at lunch. And they don't like talk like that in sports. I cannot imagine you giving a team talk. I would appreciate that so much as a cricket player, I think. Sure.

Sometimes, don't fight. Yeah, just go home at lunch. Just go home at lunch. I've got two lunches in my life. It's something brutal about just being pummeled by a superior sportsman. Yeah, there's more to life than this, guys. There's more to life than what there's the afternoon for a start.

Still a spark in water. I'll have still, please. I have as much wind as I can deal with already. Consequently. It's a battle. I'm like a kite, but on the inside. How you feel? I do feel like that, but a kite that gives no one any joy.

I'm a kite crashing to the ground. Enough wind to get airborne, but not enough to please anyone. And so I don't... I can't imagine the end of Mary Poppins and one of them's got you. Yes, it's just skimming the grass. It's never quite taking off. And also very good kite flying for the first attempt at the end of that film. He does a lot of double takes.

Have you noticed that guy, David Tomlinson? The dad? Yeah, he was feigned for his double takes. He tried to do one in every... If you watch that film again, in every scene, he does at least a double take and often a triple or quadruple. He is a master. It's really worth watching.

And is it so? Are his double takes, triple takes and quadruple takes so good that you don't really notice it? Because it's his part of the... They're excellent, but he does it in almost anything. If I would appreciate if someone could do a super cut of his double takes, it would look like he just couldn't believe that someone had walked into the room. The double takes really fallen out of favour, hasn't it?

It has, and I blame naturalism for that and for many things. But a good double take, I tell you who was the last master of the double take, I believe, Matthew Perry. Okay. Excellent double takeer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not to be sneezed at. Very hard.

You need the neck. You need the eyes. You need the eyebrows. Yeah. You need fixed point. It's a dance, really. It's a dance of the face and reactions. I mean, favourite friends character?

Got to be. Got to be Chad though, I guess. It is a very good character. Now, do you think that was the first character who knew they were funny in a sitcom? Well, I guess the older American sitcoms are all... There's a lot of wisecracking characters. Yes, but they never... No one else laughs at them.

No. It's like, give this guy a break. He's like done eight zingers in a row and everyone's giving him a stone face. Whereas in Friends, I think it was good that they were allowed to laugh at John there. That was a good development. I guess you don't count Seinfeld in Seinfeld because he's a professional comedian in it. Yes. So he knows he's funny.

He knows he's funny. And no one else found him funny. And that was quite funny, everyone. You do a lot of that... Does everyone notice stuff, don't you? Yeah. I liked how everyone hated his stand-up, all of his friends. Didn't he go out with someone once who just went,

I can't respect what you do? I just can't respect that kind of material. Why still? I used to have smart things in the good old days before the decline. But it's quite aggressive. Again, the dentist Danny Glover said, this is really attacking your gums. It's attacking your teeth.

You've barely got anything to start with. It's now about defense. Forget it. And also quite, can be quite windy, Popsie. In the restaurant, are other people at large? I think sometimes I feel this is a bit like a desert island meal that is like your last meal and owns around. But that's not part of the premise, is it?

Well, it's up to you. I mean, it's your dream restaurant. So if you want to be amongst other people, that's fine. But if you do want to just be by yourself and find that's fine. My wife Lydia, she'll be there in the restaurant. Same table? Sorry. Same table?

Same table. It would be a table big enough for two, one of those. You were possibly thinking of a jetty or a diving board. Has anyone had a meal on a diving board? Not yet, no. Just on the end, could do that. We're not going to stop you if you want that. Okay, we're on a double diving board.

So at the end, we can swim it off. Set up like a diving board, or is it like? Yes, stop you. I'm going to stop you there. Yes. So are you sort of straddling the diving board at the end? And the safety harness is the tether to the warp. Right, okay.

Yeah, because I can't swim. One of you is on a sturdier end than the other, of course. One of you has a plate that's on the end that's attached to the ground. Yeah, it's bad if I fall in. I'd have to be saved. You can't swim? Look at me. Of course I can't swim.

I'm from a long line of non-swimmers. I can't imagine you're sinking. Oh really? I think in the case of the Titanic, I'm the first at the bottom of the drink. I wouldn't even try. I'd be sucked underneath. I wouldn't even be on a raft.

I'd just be, I'm gone. Would you be the guy who hits the propeller on the way down when he jumps off the Titanic? Yes, and it'd be... And then, yeah, it'd just go completely silent and it'd be quite moving and there'd be a flute that would come in. There'd be a flute motif. It'd be the propeller motif on the soundtrack album.

So if you're dining on the end of a diving board... Yeah, can I change this idea? You can, but I was going to say we've, you know, if we, we would need a lifeguard. We're both here. Oh, a lifeguard. And it's obviously, you get to put your dream lifeguard. It would have to be Haselhoff.

So in a way, the whole meal could be a montage, like in the middle of Baywatch. So it'd be like a highlights reel of eating. Yeah. Or maybe you eat for a bit and then there's a montage of a bit of the meal that you regret. You could just montage it through and then get to put. What music's playing over the Baywatch montage?

Well, why are you eating? I think it's something on Ketar. Yeah. It's very hard to place the Baywatch montage music. Was it always the same for each montage? Well, I don't remember the theme, which is the... Right. Yeah, that was very good.

I mean, that's how it started. Not a million miles away from the Garth Marenke music, I'd say. Yes. I'd say you could, you could probably put one track Lover on there. You could. I mean, it's the, it's the keyboard with the guitar setting. Yeah. Is only so expressive that it can be in rock.

Um, would you do your Dean Lerner rap? Well, you're very kind. I don't say would you do it now. I'm saying would you do it at the meal? I'm not, I know that if we ask you to do it now, you won't do it. Yes, okay. But I'm saying that if you have it in the meal and that's the montage. My wife suffered enough.

Can you tell your wife that she's cold like ice? I, well... Cold to the touch and it isn't very nice. I, I don't think... I mean, quoting... Are you left alone? Yes. It's a loss of quoting a meal with me.

I just go, remember that thing I did 20 years ago? By the way, being friends with Nish Kumar at university, was basically having to listen to that rap, him do that rap over and over again. I can only apologise. He has, if anyone's got a more nasal voice than me, it's got to be NK. It's NK47. Yeah, um, he's...

If anything, he could, he could do with pushing it a little bit down into the chest and that's coming from me. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know about his Katharine McGee obsession, don't you? Well, he said he liked it, but he'd been very decorous in conversations that I've had. Yeah. Yeah, he's not...

I mean, he, I believe he quoted Keshgula Diff to you. Okay. And he's told me that. Right, yes. Well... He was very proud of himself. I said Keshgula Diff. Keshgula Diff.

Okay, right, yes. He came back from doing travel man with you. First, you said, I said it to him. I said Keshgula Diff to him. I feel that I have a sense that I may have stolen that from my friend Ben Ramster, who I think said that at school. I think he said Keshgula Diff. So, Nish is actually a big Ramster fan.

Aren't we all? Yeah. I mean, Ramster's the... He is the OG Ramster. He may have said Keshgula Diff. I do like Keshgula Diff. He's very funny. Poppadobs or bread?

Yes. Poppadobs or bread, make sure that you want it. Poppadobs or bread. Again, that pop shield. I've got to say, it's such a worthwhile investment. Poppadobs. I've listened to, would you call it a show? Podcast?

What's the term? I didn't mean that. Often things I say... Things I say sound condemnatory. I think that's because I struggle to love. But very few people seem to choose poppadobs. Yeah, it's... Well, the ratio seems to be high on bread.

But it does feel bread heavy, though. And is that a love of poppadobs or a hatred of bread? I don't hate bread. I like butter and, you know, butter and poppadobs. It's not a sufficient delivery system for butter, poppadobit. No. Have you tried it? I've not. Have you?

No, but I want to know. I do like bread, but I think because... I mean, I don't want to spoil the whole surprise of the show, the pod. But I will have a curried meal. So I think a poppadoe makes sense. And I'll always have to have all of the dips on each section of the poppadoe. Oh, what?

Each so you'll get the whole poppadoe. Whole poppadoe. And you'll apply... I will break the poppadoe into bits. How do you break... What's your style? I think it varies depending on frustration levels. I think I'll just... Probably I'll start with breaking it in half, and then I'll crescent slices off.

And then I will spoon toppings onto each slice of the poppadoe. Is that a slice of a poppadoe? Segment. Depends on how you're breaking them. A shard. A shard, yeah. I wonder what the group name for poppadoebs is. A phalanx of poppadoebs. Oh, okay, yeah, that's it.

And then I will... Onions. The small onions with a small bit of... I could do without the tomatoes in that section there. We'll take them out. That would be good, because they often seem quite warm. Yeah, don't look like a warm tomato. Not in shredded onion on a poppadoe. The warmth is unwelcome. I don't know why.

Do you worry about where the warmth comes from? It's not a pressing concern. I just... There's something about what it does to the texture of the tomato. It feels overly soft. Okay, yeah. And I'm in a crisp zone, a poppadoe, and then I'm getting something soft and I just feel something's gone wrong.

I can't... I just feel it in my body. Is the crisp zone a new thing for the crystal maze? Yeah, the crisp zone is where I live. It's actually an extension to the new line, actually. That's just been opened, the tube line. Did you ever do the crystal maze challenges? Did you ever go... I'll have go at that one. I sometimes would be asked to do them,

just so that I knew what was happening, just to try and get me to engage. It was a losing battle and has been in life. But I sometimes would play them very often, though, I would read. And that's something I like to do. I do like to read, to quell anxiety. And also, it's a good opportunity. The crystal maze is a rare game show

where it's actually better if the host is less engaged than what's going on. Well, thank you. And I try to bring my lack of engagement. I try and bring that to everything I do. Because I think there's a lot of accent on commitment, on getting stuck in. And what of those of us who struggle to connect

where's our place in the world? Who was the worst ever crystal maze contestant who you were like this person is absolutely useless. Now, here's the thing that I took away was that alpha men really struggle on that show because they will not cooperate with others, but you have to cooperate. And they're overconfident, really poor at communicating,

and tend to undermine everyone else. So they would go into some place, claim they could do it, tune everyone else out, and then turn on everyone. So you could probably look... I mean, you're probably already on IMDB now if you're listening to this scrolling through past contestants. And so I'd say the alpha men. When an alpha man got locked in as a non-alpha man.

Yes, thank you. Did you feel great? I didn't. You know, it's like seeing a line outside of its natural habitat. There's something sad about it, and sometimes quite moving to see it so far away. It should be on a racetrack or touching down. Race lines?

People do race them. They race them hard and they race them long. Or, you know, you see these people, they're outside of their usual environments. And so there's something slightly spooky and spectral about the sight of an alpha man on a polystyrene set. Having to take something that's ultimately ridiculous, extremely seriously, and unable to back down.

Just unable to reverse. We went and did the crystal maze in London. The hell was that? Well, I had a tantrum. Okay. I had bought this up because I wasn't going to... I had to wear it. I'd sit on a rocket and throw balls into holes.

Yeah, okay. The rocket was like a bucket of vodka. I understand that. I had to put a jacket on with all the balls stuck on. Yeah. But it had not been looked after the jacket, so the Velcro didn't want to probably see all the balls fell off. So obviously I complained.

Anyone, what is this? No second, this seriously. How alpha would you say you are? Are you closer to alpha? You seem like you may have some alpha... Maybe some alpha tendencies. Yeah, some alpha stuff. In that I did, I definitely...

Everything you said about alpha males in the crystal maze there, I thought that's what happened when I did the crystal maze. In context, Ed is an alpha. Your site-specific alpha. Yes. Yeah, yeah. The group was Ed, myself and Nish and our partners. Okay.

In the context, Ed was Mufasa. Yes, okay. You were the father. Yeah, but amongst true alphas, absolutely not. Okay, great. So... Yeah. But also our guide, our companion...

Tool guide, yeah. The master maze. The maze master. The maze master, I ought to know. Coincidentally, was someone that we knew. Okay. Our comedian. And so, Ed Farron, the tantrum, was doubly bad.

That's what I guess. Okay, and did you level charges? I didn't level charges right then. Do you say what kind of three tent circus are you running here? A bit, yeah. Okay. He hit the bronco. Okay, you hit it?

He hit it with his fist. Okay. I was trying to stop it. Okay. Also, the friend that was doing the guide, we hadn't seen in a long time in years. And he was trying to stay in character. Yes.

Obviously, like, he didn't see it was us until he walks into the room to breathe us. Of course. Of course. So he walked in, saw it was us, had to make a split second decision. I'm saying character. Do I go, oh, all right, guys.

Or do I go, oh, well, God! But he wrote that. Okay. And then when he was doing the thing... Which I respect a huge amount. So then he takes us to the... I think he thought, I know these guys. I'm going to give them the fun ones.

Yes. Or I know these guys. I'll give them ones where maintenance has not been in for a few months. And was there the feeling of what has Ed become? Well, yeah. There was a moment where... In the last few years, the podcaster's absolutely taken off.

He's rocketed to the top. His punching buck and Broncos. It was more of a slap. Of control. Yeah, it was more of a slap. It was an open up palm. You see, I imagine a spring coming out and there's smoke coming out of this...

I imagine this Broncos pummeled. But the guy, the paw... I think you've punched from the shoulder, like one of those ones where you twist it. And that Broncos... Big hole in the Broncos. Yeah, they've got to change that game. That's a whole new run.

They won't. They won't. I'll tell you, keeping that maintenance record. It was all the Broncos hitting it. And again, you know, and he went, balls on, stick it to the jacket! Like that. And then the guy we knew was trying to stay in character.

He went, oh, you have to possess, or whatever. And I was like, shut up, Richard. No, he didn't say that. I didn't say shut up, Richard. No, he didn't. Was it me? He didn't say shut up, Richard. They've definitely made it more difficult.

That's a long moment. But it was like, oh, God. Anyway, it didn't get me, Chris. Oh, no, it did get... Did it? Yeah, you got it. Yeah, you got the question a little bit. We all had to go, well done, you got it.

You got it. Because it's happened to me a couple of times in my life where I've thrown a big tantrum about something and then still get the thing that I was throwing a tantrum about, which is the worst feeling. Yes. How good are you at reversing out of a tantrum and repairing the damage after a tantrum?

Quite bad, I'd say. OK, yeah. Yeah. I think the joy of the tantrum is never apologizing. Because in a way, they caused it. Yeah. Yeah. In a way, they should apologize to you

for making you have a tantrum. That's the whole point. What would you have done if I'd done that on the TV show? I think I just would have opened the book and started reading to her. I think it'd be fine because everyone else is sort of dealing with you on your team. Yeah.

You wouldn't really be allowed to have a tantrum. Because the team would bring you back down. It's very different being witnessed, isn't it? Yeah. As soon as you're recorded, it's so rare to have a complete proper meltdown recorded. It's always somewhat brexian. I know it's coming up.

Well, the other times I was mentioning, we're all on Taskmaster. OK. But were they really... You must have been aware. You didn't stop thinking you were being filmed. You played those up for Cuba. It worked.

Well, I think it was the last episode of the series. I thought someone else was going to get points, even though they didn't do the task properly and I did the task properly. And then I got really angry. And then there was a fly in the studio and I killed the fly. OK. You just care about justice, really.

And my wife said that's the only time you've been yourself on television. OK. That's good. Wow. That... I've actually stored that up for that argument. Yeah.

I've unleashed that on him. That's brilliant. Why didn't you just be like you were on Taskmaster? The real you. The real you. My wife said a good one, which I was in the film with Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. And Jonah Hill.

The watch. The watch. And she said it looked like I'd won a competition to be in a film with movie stars. Let's start your proper meal. Yes. We have a dream starter. Yes.

I struggle with starters. I will often avoid one. Now. This is controversial. I love it when this happens. Now. Yes. I...

This sounds very showbiz, but we once had a meal together with Nish. With N.K. We did. With N.K. And I think he ordered all starters. I did order all starters. Now's my memory.

I'm so proud of you, man. Yeah, thank you, Ed. I obviously didn't tell that because it was given the satisfaction. He's a starter boy. He loves it. But we're at Artuzzi, which is a very nice Italian place.

And all of the small plates just sounded delicious. And I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do three or four of them. That's a big move. It's very growing up. Thank you. Thank you, Ed. It was terribly sophisticated.

Yeah. Whereas I struggle with starters. Originally, just through tightness, I'd just go, well, why are we, you know, when I say we, I always refer to me as we. Why are we having a starter when we can just fill up on a stodgy main? That's no point.

Sure. So I wonder whether I might have popcorn for my starter. Great. It's light. It's very hard to be unhappy eating popcorn. I've tried. But it's just too silly an action to be truly sad. So you don't want to be full.

And I think popcorn on the edge of the diving board, hazel hoffs across the way. I'm feeling safe. And I think a little sweet and so I have a mixture, sweet and salty. Yes. How do you ask for them to be put into the bucket? In one, then one, then one, then one.

Thank you. A bit like sedimentary rock. Yes. I want layers. But I think I want the final, the top layer to be salt. Okay. Yeah. And the bottom layer to be sweet,

because that's pudding. It's almost like a whole meal in itself. Yes. Do it like a proper meal. And do you have that sort of chemical memory where if you eat popcorn outside of the cinema, it still puts you in the mode of being in the cinema? I eat so much popcorn that I more associate other things

with eating popcorn. Do you really? I eat a lot of popcorn. There's very good popcorn outlets near where we live. Uh-huh. It's, you know, in the drum outside, big bag. I'm down to a bag a week, a big bag. Like there were times when it was a couple of bags a week.

Wow. Yeah. And that's £10 a week on popcorn. And that's, that's too much. The popcorn, that's insane though. I, please, they deserve every penny they make. That popcorn is first class. It's first class popcorn.

Yeah. This is exciting. They're understanding that popcorn, if anything. I would, I'd do it by direct debit if they offered it. Have you always loved popcorn? This is great stuff. Everyone knows that you love film. I do, I do love popcorn.

Apart from, actually, apart from in a cinema. Oh, really? Yeah. You can't. Sure. I, because my favourite cinema is the BFI. Well, I still think of it as the NFT, despite the fungible tokens or whatever.

And I have heard someone be reproached for opening a sparkling water in there. Wow. Some, there was a, and there was a shh. And there's such ferocity in the shush. Which is too similar a noise to what's just happened. Exactly. It just sounds like, I'm going to open my water now.

Just have a dirty impression of the water. Yeah, exactly. So in a way, I find some eating popcorn in a cinema. I find that quite stressful. And so if I see that people are eating popcorn in a cinema, I sometimes will have to get popcorn so that I can be in charge of the sounds. Maybe I'm a lot of fun.

I'm a lot of fun. BFI to watch films, because I absolutely fucking hate the cinema now. Well. It's, everyone's doing what they want. It's noisy. People are on their fucking phones. They're doing zoom calls.

But when are you going and where are you going? Yeah, where are you going? I just go anywhere. Like, they're just where the nearest one is. I'll pop along and they're all there. On their phones, lighten their faces up. Midweek afternoon. I went once to a screen in a parasite

before it had come out proper. Yes. There's a Q&A afterwards with a director. Yes. Next to me was a lady who was on her phone for most of it. Stop it. And then when there was a Q&A, he talked about class and stuff like that.

She was like agreeing really vocally with him as if like. She'd watched it. As if she'd watched the film. She'd been there in a big fur coat. Very posh lady. Was she reviewing it potentially? No way. She was, because I looked over at one point.

She was, what's happened to her mate? Ugh. I'm chatting. That is outrageous behaviour. What do you think of the new trendy popcorns? Your Joseph's? No. No?

No. I don't want toffee on a popcorn. It makes it wet. And I don't like that. Yeah. I can't even. No cheese popcorn. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. What about when it's just like a fun colour? When they make it like fluorescent pink. No, I can't. I can't cope with anything. Other than straight up popcorn. I don't like any fun colours. Yes, it feels, I just don't,

I'm not that keen on decorative food. I find it quite stressful. I just feel the effort. And I feel, you know, it's enforced fun. It's not as good as you found in the Crystal Maze. Yes. Do you pop your own corn? I hope that's not a euphemism.

I have in microwave popcorn in the early, well, probably I'm creeping to senescence. But I remember microwave popcorn coming out and that being a terrifically exciting prospect that you could put it. A lot of fires, often blackened popcorn, would result from overcooking it. Yeah.

And in a way that was more, it was more exciting just to set the popcorn on fire and then dispose of it. That was almost the best interaction you could have. But it was never quite good. The heat was pleasant, but there would be some ones that would be molten hot and kernels.

The kernels, yeah. And I'd always find it depressing that some of the kernels didn't pop. You felt like you'd failed. And then your crunch channel was too hard and it's off to Danny Glover in the morning. Yeah. And then you spiral down before you know it.

Yeah, the Crystal Maze and you're having a panic attack. Also, the pops, so some, it's like done in the microwave. Yes. And the instructions are, when it gets down to this many seconds between pops, then let it out. It's on their count in the seconds between the pops. And I think, I don't know if any food's worth this.

It's not life, is it? It's a lot like giving birth, isn't it? You've got to just count those contractions. And I think mothers listening to this will appreciate the comparison. Yeah, sometimes. It's almost as stressful waiting for those final seconds. You don't want to leave it to, yeah,

you don't want to char them, but you don't want a bag full of unpopped corn. Before we move on to the main, and I know you're going to say you don't like this, but chocolate covered popcorn? Oh, no. Why? I just know.

You'd have a bar. My mum had a chocolate shop. What the hell? Yes, that's right. Yeah. Lucky she wasn't my mum because... Had a chocolate shop in Woodbridge. They chocolate our belge.

Wow. That's what it was called. I love that. Yes, went to Belgium to get chocolate. It was quite a fancy chocolate shop. It sounds it. And I spent every day after school in the chocolate shop, hence my love of air conditioning,

because it had to be kept cool, because the chocolates didn't have preservatives. Yeah. And a packed up box of chocolates, to the extent that I would rebel by buying Cadbury's, which my mum would find unbelievable. She'd go, why would you buy Cadbury's Mini Egg? When, you know, you've got...

You've got a chocolate bar. Often, it was too rich. Sure, but that's a great... Yeah, so you can't knock them back, can you? No, you can't slam a load of violet creams and without having to pay the consequences. What a way to rebel. Yeah.

Bought some Mini Eggs, Mum, I'd like. Yeah, just had a curly whirling. Yeah. The equality Belgian chocolate. That's exciting. Yeah, that is really exciting. I mean, was there like a star of the show at the Belgian chocolate shop?

Pralines were the workhorse, I'd say, of the entire shop, chocolate praline. Yeah. Easter is a big... That's a big time in the chocolate trade. That's really... That's Christmas. Easter's Christmas.

Christmas is... Christmas is Easter. It's kind of like Easter. Christmas is still Christmas, but Easter's like Christmas Plus. So, yes, Easter was a very tense time. And every year, my mum would always say, I think I've bought too many chocolates.

She always had a plan just for, I've bought far too many chocolates, and at the end she'd go, I should have bought more chocolates. I always found it a quite disturbing pattern. Would she go over and get them herself and bring them back? It was more sort of sourcing, tasting, seeing the developments, what was new on the chocolate scene.

Did she ever go with us? She said. Did she ever go to Belgium with us? I didn't, no, I was too young. I'm still too young to go to Belgium. I think you really need to be mature to go to Belgium. One day. Yeah.

Did your friends get excited that you had a chocolate shop? It's just, you know, it's not children's chocolate, Belgian chocolate, it's just quite... It just feels sort of fussy. It was quite old-fashioned. It was sort of, I'd say, the mean age of customer was 60.

It was a lot of sort of treats at the end of the week. And expensive, right? It's quite expensive. When you're a kid, yes. When you're a kid, you don't want to, like, even, I wasn't even going into, like, Thornton's. No. You just want to borrow something.

You don't want to go into Thornton's. It looks like a gift shop. It looks like adult business in there. I like this. This is pre... I've got so many chocolates. It's pre-brick's it. It's almost like a charcuterie of chocolates.

Yes. I've got so many questions. It's pre-brick's. I'm so excited. Because if one of my friends at school had a chocolate shop, yeah, man, I'd have been there all the time. Well, so would your dad. So would my dad.

My dad would be like, do you want me to drop you off at the chocolate shop? I don't mind. Yeah, of course he would. No, it wasn't... I never really saw children come in. And what was this, like, pre-salt in chocolate and stuff? Oh, yes.

This wasn't all of that kind of business. And I have to say that the chocolates... Well, I don't have to say. I'm choosing to say, let's have some autonomy. I'm choosing to say that the chocolates were excellent. So much so that I can't really eat any chocolate now without having a slight, snobby reaction. I'm just going, it's fine.

It's the closest I'll get to be a sommelier. I can. I do have quite a refined chocolate palette. I'm jealous, man. Yeah. This is great. Excellent milk chocolate. Very hard to do milk chocolate without it

having a sort of chemically aftertaste. It's got to be fresh. You can't have preservatives. Unless you're buying chocolate from a refrigerated outlet, forget it. Forget it. OK, it's like UHT milk. Yeah.

That's basically what you're dealing with. So let me say that. If people take anything away from today, I hope it's that. Your dream main course? Lamb address. From... We knew we were going to Curry Town. From Gandy's in Kennington.

Gandy's restaurant in Kennington. There it is. Excellent restaurant. How often do you have it at Gandy's? As often as I can. There were times when it would be twice a week. Sometimes everything's excellent. I always had the exact same meal.

Lamb address. Lamb address. Pelai rice. Half an onion bargy. Brinjal. Bindi bargy. Peshwari naan. Three poppadons with all the dips.

It's bindi bargy, okra. Okra. That's my side dish. Sorry to skip ahead. No, please. It all goes so well together. Yeah, it is. We may as well talk about it.

Every time I've had that for 20 years. For 20 years. 20 years, that's the same order. Did you say half an onion bargy? Half an onion bargy, because it's two onion bargy's. My wife Lydia does not like onion bargy, so I'll have half. I don't want to...

I kind of have two onion bargy's. That's madness. You're ordering two onion bargy's? Or you're ordering half. It's a portion of onion bargy's. There's normally two discs. You're having one onion bargy's. I'm having one.

But if you order an onion bargy portion from Gandy's, it's two discs of onion bargy. I only want one. Yep. So you're really having one onion bargy's? I'm having one onion bargy, but within the portion system of Gandy's. Yes.

That... An onion bargy is two onion bargy's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how they do it. That's how they deal. Is that the same with the bindi bargy? No. I'll have a full bindi, because I'll share that.

On this bowl. Yep. I love okra. In... Oh, okra. With a side foot. Here's the thing. Okra.

Have you ever had okra soup? No. Okay, so the one meal my dad would ever make was... Oh, sorry. I just broke a glass. I just... This bucking bronco sort of worked. My dad, whenever he had a tantrum, actually,

he would make this one, which he called pepper soup, because he'd just go, I'm feeding myself now. That was part of his tantrum. And this would last a week. So pepper soup is... I can't believe I'm giving away...

I'm basically giving away the keys to the kingdom. This is one of the best meals that you ever had. Okay, tinted tomatoes, an onion, chili peppers, olive oil, salt, and a blender. You put that in a pot. You brown some meat. Doesn't matter what meat.

You could do it with chicken. You could do it with art sell, which I like. Or you could do it with beef. Then you pour the pepper soup, as it's termed, over that meat. You can put a tomato puree as well, if you like it more tomato-y.

You cook that for a long time. That's pepper soup. With that, you have okra. So you take the okra. You chop it very finely in discs. You boil that in water. I don't know why it's funny. You pour that in water.

And that's it. With some salt. It's excellent. And it becomes slightly slimy. See, I like that. People get so creeped out by okra, going, oh, it's slimy. It's slimy.

Yeah, fine. The slime's good. Nice. Yeah. It really is a good way of sourcing the chaff from the wheat. Like people who are upset if you bump into them. I find that's the best way to determine

whether someone's the person or not. People who bump into you and are angry, that's the level of optimism I can't cope with. I just hope that they've never bumped into anyone in their lives. Yeah. And now it's happened. They just can't believe it.

Also, whenever people bump into each other, it's both person's fault. Yeah. Yeah. So unless someone's deliberately going around bumping people. Yeah. Unless you're Richard Ashcroft.

Yeah. In which case, you should go. Or is he trying to sort the wheat from the chaff? He literally is a sigh of hope. He's a sigh of hope. Yeah, that's what it is. He's a combine harvester. I would like to see Richard Ashcroft cover.

I've got a brand new combine harvester. But do the same thing, but on a combine harvester. Exactly, the same video. Yeah. But people just being moaned down in the threshing wheels. I love the sound of pepper soup. I love that that was your dad's way of

throwing tantrums. Yeah. So cooking a soup. And some oxo. This is why I've not got a cooking show. I forget several of the ingredients. Oh, I forgot the main ingredients. You can start the next episode with the ingredients

that you should have said the week before. I'm sorry. If you had a cooking show, it'd be the only one where people go, you got to stick around for the post-credits scene. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and salmon.

And salmon. Sorry. Sorry. I've just, we've just done the source. It's a Marvel film. Yeah. I've got the sound of Ghandis. Yes.

Yeah. Ever see Ben Kingsley in there? I recently did a film with Sir Ben. Wow. Wow. He was extraordinary. Amazing. I is incredible.

Yeah. He is, some people just have this incredible presence. But I wish he were a fixture of Ghandis. But yeah, he is incredible. You should take him, wouldn't they? I should. How do you reckon that would go down in Ghandis? You fell out.

No. Well, I mean, imagine. Imagine if you have a restaurant, say you have Ed's Burgers and you came in. Yeah. They'd go, are titular? Yeah, because they would relate it with them. This is wheels within wheels.

What's going on here? Yes, it must be when ever our Garfunkel goes into Garfunkels. I guess like, you can't get a suit from Moss Bross. I can't. I can't and I'd love to. And it's one of, I have to swallow that every day. Yeah. Yeah.

You can't go into Moss Bross. No, you can't. You can't. Moss is it? Exactly. Luckily, I think it's not well known enough that I could still go into Moss Bross. You sure?

Yeah. I think so. You want a BAFTA for that? Oh, please. I think if there was a shop called The Guy from the IT Crowd, I think that would be harder. Yeah. Because I think that's generally the moniker applied.

So PC World has made it hard for you? A PC World, of course. Yes. Hard for you to go into. Yeah. You'd rather if you went into a shop called The Guy from the IT Crowd and they all went, oh, we didn't mean you. Yeah.

Yeah. We meant the one who could act. Yeah, we meant that one. Did that character know he was funny? No. No. No. I don't think that character massively enjoyed humour at times.

All found very specific things funny. There was one person who I knew who I vaguely had in mind before that show and that person would say, that's funny instead of laughing. And just go, that's funny. And then go, and then move on. Which I quite liked. There was something quite a, it was a good level of approbation to it. Yeah.

Yeah. Gandy Best Picture winner? Yeah. Yes, it was. Uh, our best actor? Best actor for Sabin. Our best curry house. That's curry house as well.

Another award. Yeah. Yeah. Ranking at the awards. I wonder whether, hmm, when was Gandy's restaurant open? I think maybe just before the film, maybe in 1982, I'm thinking. Going there before, so probably did get there. When was, when was, was Gandy's 84?

Or maybe it was earlier. Wow. You literally know when the restaurant opened. That's how much you love it. Yeah, just, just in case Benita's there. Himself out there. I mean, we're definitely talking post-1970. Oh, yes.

With Gandy, the film. Because I, I, I. Wow. Wow. Okay. Here's what's happened. Wow. Okay.

Firstly, I just want to say incredible that you knew what year Gandy's restaurant was opened. Of course. I mean, why wouldn't I, I mean, it's, it's such an insult for me not to know the origin story of Gandy's. And G, and Gandy won the Oscar the same year Gandy's was opened. Yes, exactly. That's kind of the point. My other favorite restaurant is of course, um, Charity of Fire. Another curry house?

Yeah. It's too spicy for me. Yeah. It's all flash fried stuff. They do it at your table. From a chariot. Also the best picture winner. Yeah.

But I'm allergic to horses. Not as old as people think it is Charity of Fire. Right. Yeah. It's actually, but also post-1970. Yeah. I know it's. I think Charity of Fire must be 84.

I think that's why they did the whole British are coming thing. Because there have been a couple of British winners. I keep saying post-1970 because it's Benito's really, it's going to get under Benito's skin. Me knowing that. Do you know what I know how Benito's? Because I can name all the Oscar best picture winners from 1970 onwards. Can you? He knows and it's boring.

Do you know all of them? He says it's boring, Benito says. Yeah, yeah. Do you know all of them in order? No. Okay. No, I just know all of them randomly. I can name them all.

Why would you not learn them in order? That's too hard. What one in 1970? Patten or platoon. I can't remember which. It definitely wasn't platoon because that was 86. Patten. It must have been Patten.

Wow, you really did not learn the order. Patten, then French connection. Then I'm done. Patten, French connection. Godfather. Godfather, something in between. Then Godfather, Patten. Godfather, my favourite Italian restaurant.

Very good. Yeah. Thank you. Very good. Getting it back on track for you. Yeah, yeah. That's good. I'm going to go to Ghandis.

Yeah. I'm worried you might have blown up your spot, though. I was worried. I did weigh it before I mentioned them. Because Tim Key came on and refused to name his favourite curry hash. He wouldn't do it. Key's very canny, isn't he?

Yeah, he's smart. You would not do it. Here's my question for you, Ed. When you go to Ghandis, your portion of onion bargey, what are you going to do the whole thing? No, I'm going to. Your portion? Are you going to get double?

No. Two discs. I'm going to have the one disc. I'm doing the full Iowai. That's what I'm saying when I go in as well. I'd be interested. I mean, I would, I mean, perhaps they could name a half onion bargey after me,

like they do in Hollywood restaurants, where a sandwich is named after you. That's fine. That would be nice if it's a disc of onion. If you have a dish named after you, and it's just less of a normal dish. Yeah, it's like the same thing, but a really mean portion.

The Rooney. Half a portion. Yeah. Maybe just any half portion could be there. Can I get that? Can I get that rich Iowai? Yeah, can I have that? Can you half the price for that?

Because of structural problems psychologically. They should offer that in restaurants. Can you, can I half size that? Because it's too much. Half a burger. They've got to say. Yeah. And have to, they'd have to use my,

and would I get a cut? Half. I'd get the other half. And just post the other half of the food to me. That's what it is. Yeah. They save the rest of it for you. So I know what everyone else is eating

by the food trucks that came up. Do you want to dream drink? Now, I would say alcohol-free beer. Wow. Call me Billy Connolly. This has never happened before. Yes. I now prefer it.

Really? I prefer it. The technology has, it's like CGI. It's unbelievable what they're doing. It is amazing. It's incredible. It's incredible. Some of those alcohol-free beers are fantastic.

I mean, yeah. And at the risk of blowing up another spot, I'd get it from the other side. I'd get it from the other side. I'd get it from the other side. I'd get it from the other side. I'd get it from hot buns and black. From Glenn and Jen.

Two people from New Zealand. Glenn and Jen. Imagine that in a New Zealand accent. Glenn. Jen. It's a nightmare in a New Zealand accent. Excellent purveyors. What are some of your favourites?

I think it's called Lervik. They do a mango one and a grapefruit one. That's excellent. Wow. And possibly if I allowed an additional drink, I would have a mango lassi. I think we can give you an additional drink. You like mango?

I definitely like mango. Alcohol-free beer? Yes. I'd probably, the alcohol-free beer, I'd probably have a grapefruit alcohol-free beer. Might be the best one I've had. Although, I mean, recently, I mean, the alcohol-free beers I've had have just been.

I mean, it's been, it's a new frontier. Lucky Saint, I could shut them. That's entry level to what they're doing. And no disrespect to Lucky Saint, who are doing a bang-up job. But there are people out there who I'd call poets. I'd call poets of the alcohol-free profession. I don't know how they're doing it.

I don't know what they were doing 20 years ago. Where were they? I mean, in terms of the steepness of the curve of expertise, I can't really see a parallel to this, apart from maybe in the munitions race. I think the last time there was a development, this quick was probably when they developed nuclear power. Yeah.

Has it been so long since you've had alcoholic beer that now alcohol-free beer just tastes like alcoholic beer? Yeah, I don't really, I would select an alcohol-free beer over an alcohol-free, I tire easily. And I've very little energy. I can barely, you know, wake up all the day. So anything that's compromising that, I've got to take a long hard look at it.

Now, I mean, if in the dream restaurant, I, for some reason, had energy, I could consider it. I think stick with what you like. I think I'd go with that. I think I'd go with that. How much energy are you going to have? I've got no energy. Are you're focusing on eating on a dive in board?

I think that's good. I'm terrified of falling down. Drain your core strength. Yeah, your core strength at this point. You are rock solid. I am testing every sin you can. I'm probably quivering by now. And you're like a mango lassi.

I've got, yes, please. Thank you very much. Lassi. Yes, I will have. Lassi. Yeah, a lassi. That's a scossage for a girl. Your dream dessert now.

Very exciting. Yes. Your mother owned a chocolate shop. You like sweet and salty popcorn. I'm feeling good about this. Yeah, I think it's going to make something sweet. I think after a meal of this type, which is a heavy meal, a lamb address,

it's a heavy meal, I think you probably want a sorbet. Very nice. And again, this sounds like I'm just doing a work for the local area, but fabulous ice fires. I'd have the man, his name is Tizia. He is a proprietor of fabulous ice fires.

This is the finest ice cream you'll ever have. This is. It's a great name for an ice cream shop. It's extraordinary. This ice cream, he travels the world winning ice cream competitions. Wow. Like a kind of Paul Newman of the ice cream world,

just showing up, whipping up a batch, bringing home some tin. Some of these, I mean, it's incredible. He's strawberry feels forever. I think he's a prize winner, international prize winner, which is a strawberry ice cream, the like of which you, I mean, you need to really.

This is so exciting. I mean, James is so excited. Look at his little face. They're rum and raisin. They put aside for me. When it comes in. Secret stash. A tub goes into the freezer.

I will collect that. Half a portion. A full tub. Oh, wow. You're going full tub. Yeah, I'm going full tub. No, I'm not. What makes that rum and raisin better

than any rum and raisin? I can't. I mean, if we knew this, we would be him. I mean, it's, I don't know. How often you going into fabulous ice fires? Most mornings. Most mornings. I am, well, he had a bit of a sabbatical recently

and that was tough. So it's been a while. Although, I mean, I have to say that the last time I had this ice cream was yesterday. It was yesterday. And it was the rum and raisin. It was the rum and raisin. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't think I can have rum and raisin after a curry. No. Well, it depends. I mean, a lot of people take the dream restaurants to mean they can fit in as much food as possible. Okay, there's a palate cleanser. Yeah, but you're thinking more practically, I think.

Yeah, that's a funny dream, isn't it? I mean, what? Because do you want something where it's, where after each course, you'll just return to, this is what I do. Is the restaurant the dream or are you in the dream? As in, are you a dream? Are you a dream?

This is getting quite inception. But do you have dream properties like infinite appetite? You can do that. Yeah, you can do that. Because it would be the dream restaurant that imbues you with those properties as opposed to you being a dream yourself. Yeah.

I worry that there's too many premises there. Yeah. Oh, it's quite complicated. I feel I have to be the same, but the restaurant is magical. If I'm magical, well, I can't imagine that. And then there just, there's no parameters. Where am I getting my bearings?

Everything's magic now. Yeah. You keep it within the realms of things you can imagine. So it's just the stuff in the restaurant. It's like a chicken in a lunchbox. Yeah, exactly. I get that as well, because I think that if you're imagining your dream meal,

you want it to be something you could have. Yes. Like it could happen for you in real life. That's what's exciting about it. Because I don't want to sort of somehow be like a hammerhead shark or something. And just go, I'll just have plankton. Yeah.

Or. I mean, we're not saying that you're imagining you're a hammerhead shark or anything. Okay. The only thing we're after you can imagine is having rum and raisin ice cream after a curry. Yeah. But has anyone within the dream restaurant said,

well, I'd like to be, for example, a lion. I've just finished a race and just give me some antelope. I'd be delighted to start our main course. Drink is blood. This is my dream. I want to know what it feels like to be a lion. The only people to fully utilise the dream in that way are, I guess, Bob Mortimer, I think, wanted to travel through time

and see the life of a couple across the other side of the restaurant. And Richard Herring, who wanted blackbirds in a pie. Yeah. Richard Herring very much utilised the dream nature of it for every course. And I think people were unfairly angry with him. Okay. People were very angry with him for doing that. But if someone came on and said, I want to be a lion and eat like a lion, I think we would allow that.

Oh, yeah. Okay. For sure. Oh. But you don't, yeah. On the Bob one, I very much went along with him on the hot dog, as if it wasn't Dockra, I would have, if I wouldn't have an Odeon hot dog, I'd have the hot dogs that you get at the airport in Norway.

My mum was Norwegian, always. I'd always have a hot dog there, Pulsar, white bun, again the toppings. It would have crunchy onion, dried onions, ketchup, mustard, Norwegian mustard, which is slightly sweeter, and potato salad. Oh, lovely. In the bun. On top of the bun, but it could be within the bun. Yeah.

And very often we'd get two. I'd eat one at the stand and the other in the car. Yeah, fantastic. Would you let your dad put his finger through the sauce and mix it together and then say it's good to be alive? I mean, I very much liked hearing about that. But it's a level of intimacy that, as you can probably tell, was not afforded to me. Also, you can't, someone can't swallow potato salad again, though.

You can't. I mean, it's too chunky to swallow, isn't it? It's too chunky to swallow. And you've got, I think you've got to put the potato salad on top. There's something about putting ketchup and mustard on top of potato salad. Yeah. It just doesn't work. It aesthetically doesn't work.

And also then your dad would get it on his finger and he'd go, Ah, I feed myself now. Yes, exactly. I feed myself. He's crumbling the fucking Bronco, rejected from the airport. Do you want a sorbet? I think I'd have, I would be tempted to, This is the other thing about having a meal.

Sometimes it's quite nice to be surprised. And I would like the agency to be removed from me. And I'd like a selection of fresh ice creams and possibly fruit. Okay. But you know, sometimes where you're at a restaurant and someone says, Here's some fruit at the end, or often they've, you know, they've ordered in too many watermelon and they need to get rid of them. Something like that's always incredibly pleasing.

Because you didn't want it, you didn't, and, but now someone's put a plate of watermelon and you go, So would you like a sort of trolley? Would you like someone to bring out a trolley? I don't want the choice because then I'm now, I've got the tyranny of choice. With the whole trolley, if there's a Black Forest Ghetto, I'll go, well, I would like some of that.

But there's ice cream as well. There are various puddings, meringues. So in a way, a pudding buffet for me is a kind of hell because I can't have all of it. I know that. It's a really bitter experience. I can't have all of it. But I am sad if I don't have all of it.

A section of ice creams and fruit. Yeah, I think so. I think some, I think someone needs to exercise portion control. And there's no, there's no fruits that you would say, do not bring that fruit out. I'd be disappointed if it was just bananas. Yeah, that's not my favourite fruit. Yeah, but at the end of a meal, it's like,

I would serve care for a banana. I would just put a bunch of bananas on the table and just went, and that, and here's your bill. With the bill, like it was a mint. There's your bunch of bananas now, get out. That's right, Benito has found... Wow! Yeah, it's strong.

It's strong. In a way, it's a mixture between... That's the ice fires, man. Yeah, he looks a bit like the dude. No, he looks a bit... Yeah, he looks, he looks like Sam Elliott, right? Exactly, he looks like Sam Elliott and the Big Lebowski. Yeah.

But also has an element of a kind of a Tour de France winner. Yeah, that picture also looks like it's on a fancy dress shop website for a chef costume. Yeah, yeah. Very much so. I mean, it's a look that has not arrived without effort. Yeah, I love it. I can't wait to go to the ice fires.

I love that you interact with him as well. Yeah, yeah. The two of you. Yeah, yeah. Love to be in there, see that exchange. Quick question before we read your menu back. Do you remember finding Ivo Graham eating a katsu curry with a standee of himself on a train?

Oh, yes, this is what... Oh, do you know what? We can have everything else aside. OK, so is this a story in which I have been rude to someone? No, not at all. It's a story that Ivo told on the podcast. I always fear about that, because in most interactions I have at some stage, I'll find out that I've done something...

No, this is not at all. ...that I won't have noticed. People always go, I saw you on the old Kent Road on a bicycle and I waved, but you didn't wave back. I go, I think I was probably cycling really fast on the old Kent Road. With all due respect to these people, who do they think they're talking to? Because I would not think...

I think you're a very nice person. I have nothing negative to say. You're kind of like... But I would not think... Yeah, that's Richard always waving at everyone. I would certainly wave if I saw someone. I like to wave. It's just I am very much in the zone cycling.

This is not a story where you can have... Ivo Graham, what have I done? Ivo Graham, he was eating katsu curry. 8 out of 10 katsu does count down. Okay, yeah. Ivo has bought with him... We had maybe the same shirt or a similar shirt. I remember being on a show.

He did. He went to the same place you buy your shirts. Right, yes. And bought a shirt. That was a supplementary part of the story where he told you that you had the same shirt. And rightly, you were like, okay. Yeah, I mean, that's the conversational tactic.

That's a lack of imagination. It reminds me, someone once told me that someone went up to Harold Pinter. I'm not equating myself with Harold Pinter. Someone went up to Harold Pinter and said, Oh, I was at school with you. Do you... We were at school together from 7 to 11.

You're Harold, right? We were at the same school. And apparently he went, so. Which is amazing. But... Yes, okay. So he's eating katsu curry. Ivo bought a representation of himself

onto 8 out of 10 cats, a little... A little standee of himself, where he has eaten uniform. Okay. He's eating robes or whatever. And then on the train on the way home, so you go from Manchester back to London. He was sitting... He got a katsu curry.

He really didn't have any cutlery to eat it with. So ate it with the little standee of himself. And apparently you saw him doing this at one point and it has stayed with him forever. Now, I will... I think as Malcolm Gladwell would say, I default to truth there. So I probably would have imagined

he was just eating it with a normal implement. Yes. And probably as I have no memory of going, I remember when Ivo Creme was eating something with an effigy of himself. Even if he had been eating it, I think I would have gone, okay, you've run out of cutlery.

Yeah. I don't think I would have even questioned it. Yeah. Also, that show ends relatively late. I would have just been barely... As I've said, very low energy. I would have been up from A, trying to brush him a teeth,

getting my ice cream down there and would have been in a sort of thug. I think he'll be relieved to hear that. Okay, did he feel judged? We've actually told you. No, not at all. I think he was just embarrassed. Back, he felt pathetic.

No, if anything, I would have admired him more for doing that and would have hoped in a way that that was his eating instrument. Yeah. But if you ever just cut the redraw, it's just loads of little things. Yes, little things. Or just one, which I think...

You know, when you have a thermos and it has a little spork on the side. Yeah. The ideal would just be to have one eating implement. So, and then you can imagine him washing it up just like washing his own little face. Exactly. Yeah.

So... It's not dishwasher safe, I wouldn't have thought. Oh, no, no, no, no. No, it's a hand wash. So, I guess just one last question, because this is your dream meal. Do you want to eat the whole dream meal with a little standee of Ivo Graham?

I think I'd have a spork. You don't want like a spy bite? Don't get me wrong. I really like Ivo Graham. But his face being that close to my mouth throughout a meal. Yeah. I'm not sure...

You could eat it with his feet? Yeah. It's a kind of dream. But I'm not sure it's the dream that I would initiate. Fair enough. If it happened in a dream, I'd possibly accept it. But I wouldn't try and elicit that dream. Still water?

Yes. You want poppadoms with all the dips on all the sections. No tomatoes, no warm tomatoes. Thank you. Stata, sweet and salty popcorn from... Oh, from North Cross Road. Main course, lamb address from Ghandis

with all the trimmings. Everything. Side dish, the bindi barji. Drink, grapefruit, alcohol-free beer and a mango lassi. Dessert, fabulous ice fires, selection of ice creams and a selection of fruit. Yes. And you won't know what that is.

Brought by Ivo Graham. Brought to you by Ivo Graham, of course. So, he can feature... Yeah. We can repair the hurts of the past and we can move on and we can all heal. Yeah. Will Ivo be allowed to eat with you as well at that point?

Ivo can join... He can join both of us on the dining... Yeah. ...on the dining board. Yeah. Yeah, the dining board. Hey now! Come on now!

Come on now! Hey now! That's excellent. I'm going to insist that Ivo has to eat with the standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Richard. You're very kind to tolerate me. There we are.

Wonderful episode. Wonderful episode. Wonderful menu as well. I think that all sounds very tasty. Really tasty menu. Although, I've got to say, my personal highlight, description food wise, pepper soup.

Yeah. I'm surprised pepper soup didn't sneak onto the menu somehow because that sounded amazing. Attached to such a fun memory of his dad having a tantrum. Yeah. If it's good tantrum though, do you know I'm into it? Yeah. I mean, I like it when someone breaks down a recipe.

Yes. Breaks down all the steps because in my heart, I'm like someone, at least one listener is going to do that. Well, you, it's normally you. It's normally me. You normally go home and you do that thing. I normally do, yeah. It's so nice of me to get a recipe.

James doesn't have any cookbooks. He just listens back to the podcast. See, I need bits of the podcast over to listen back to. But he does. Can you send me the time code for when Richard did the recipe for pepper soup? I'll say it to my girlfriend. We're having pepper soup tonight.

Watch. Yeah, I like that a lot. I'm obviously going to go to the ice cream place. You were gripping the table. You were so excited to hear about Fabulous Ice Fires. Can I just go now? And now we've seen a picture of the guy. I mean, we've got to go.

I mean, if people have got this far in the podcast and you haven't Googled the guy, then you have to do that now. Yeah. Yeah. And I would be surprised if anyone who likes ice cream doesn't go to Fabulous Ice Fires because my God, the obviously the ice cream sounds amazing. The guy looks like a legend.

Yeah. We all want to go. Richard's book, the book that no one wanted to read, is out 6th of October, 2022. And he didn't say broccoli. He didn't say broccoli. I don't think so. I mean, he didn't.

Sometimes I think, oh, we should have dug down into what the ingredients in the madrasse were. Maybe there's some broccoli in there. I don't. As far as I know, there is never broccoli in madrasse. No, but no. Ghandis might be, though. Ghandis might throw in a bit of brock.

Anything you want to plug, James? You've got a book, haven't you? Yeah, yeah. James A. Casagud has quit in social media, being the best you can be, including yourself of learning this volume one, is out wherever you get your books. I'm very excited.

I am back on tour doing my show, Electric, all over the place. Go on to edgamble.co.uk for details. I'm doing some big old rooms around the country. Come and fill up some of those seats. Yes, very much so. I'm looking forward to seeing it, Ed. Yes.

Thank you very much to Richard for coming on. A wonderful episode, and we will see you next week. Eat up. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News

we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening.

There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.