Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 166: Paul Chowdhry

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Things get spooky – or should we say ‘sinistro’ – in this week’s episode with stand-up and Taskmaster star Paul Chowdhry. Paul Chowdhry is on tour with ‘Family Friendly Comedian (No Children). Buy tickets at paulchowdhry.com. Listen to Paul’s podcast ‘Pudcast’ wherever you listen to podcasts. Follow Paul on Twitter and Instagram @paulchowdhry Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the raspberries of conversation, the jam sugar of humour, mixing them all up together in a pan, mashing them down with a fork, turning on the heat of the internet and creating the jam of the Off Menu podcast. Not your best book, because it was jam sugar, kind of, let us know where it was going. Yeah, but you can't use normal sugar for it. I think you have to have a specific jam sugar, certainly, when I did Bake Off. That was the case.

To be fair, I didn't know that. And that's quite a nice little detail that I didn't know. I've gone away learning something now that there's such a thing as jam sugar. Well, I'd imagine I'll get a message saying you can't use normal sugar, because we had to use a special source of sugar. But jam sugar is now going to be one of my catch phrases, too. It's going to be, like, I was jumping to any situation that's, like, really, really jumping like a party or something. I'm just jumping from nowhere and going, jam sugar! Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll go, apple steak. Apple steak. Apple steak and jam sugar here, aka Ed Gamble and James Acaster. This is the Off Menu podcast. We own a dream

restaurant. We're inviting a guest in, and we ask them their favourite ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Paul Chaudry. Chauders. And Maniac. Paul Chaudry, as we all know, a fantastic comedian. He's been on Taskmaster, one of probably the all-time great Taskmaster contestants, in my opinion, one of my favourites ever. Yes, one of mine, too. Tours the country, sells out venues with his stand-up. Wembley, did Wembley. Did Wembley. And just an unpredictable and unique fella. I don't know what's going to happen today. He also, of course, does the podcast of his own, called the podcast. Yeah, I went on that. I went on that, too.

Had a very frank conversation with him and enjoyed it quite a lot. Yeah. That's why I'm quite looking forward to having him on the pod. And that's why, you know, quite happy, calling him a maniac before it starts, because I know it's impossible to really rattle this guy. We say he's unpredictable. Here's something that I think will happen. I'm willing to put 50 pounds on it now. He will, within the first 20 minutes, do an impression of me, which is like this. Why, you'll say, oh, you're all like, hey, guys. And he calls me a hey, guys comedian, because I say hey, guys to the audience. And I ask the audience if they're all right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that. Also, just to let people know, we are recording this before

Paul comes in. I know a lot of people think we do it all afterwards. No. Right. We have not interviewed Paul yet. That is a genuine prediction from Ed. Yes. So we will see what happens there. I also think at one point he will say something that is deliberately referencing something that we have no idea what it is. And he knows that. And then he'll just stare us down until we have to ask him further questions. Yes, exactly. Also, we can't predict what he's going to say, which makes the secret ingredient even more exciting. Very difficult. Secret ingredient obviously is usually an ingredient that we don't like. So we'll kick people out the dream restaurant and then get any dinner if they pick it. And this week, the secret ingredient is

flax seeds. What is it? I don't like it. It's powdery. It's weird. I don't really think it adds much in terms of flavor. Where does it go? What do you put it on? Yogurt? I think people dump it in their yogurts. Yeah. But like I don't really see the point. I guess it's probably got some superfood quality I don't know about. But like Paul's very healthy as well. Paul's like ripped. Is ripped. He's a healthy man. He's rippuramid. He's rippuramid. Banana pyjamed. He's apple staked. He's like the human embodiment of apple stake. Yeah, he really is. Yeah. So maybe he does eat a bit of flax seed and that gives him that apple stake body. Yeah. So we'll find out. But if he mentions his flax seed that he has in the morning to give him his apple stakes, we're going to kick

him out. We're going to kick him out. And I don't think he'll care. No. I don't think he'll care. Also, I'd imagine he has no idea what this podcast is. No. I'd imagine he's not prepared for it in any way. No. Here's another prediction. Every time we ask him his dream, when he'll respond like he's in a genuine restaurant and he'll go, oh, what can I get? Because he won't have thought about any of it in advance. Even if he has thought about it in advance, he'll probably think, no, no, that's silly to do that. And then he'll get rid of that and just come in and wing it. And at some point, he's going to do an impression of what he considers a white man to sound like and use the name Dave. Yeah, he'll do that. And also at one point, he'll call me Jamie for a joke because it amuses him to

be Jamie. That amuses me as well. It is funny to do that. I mean, there's a lot of stuff that's going to happen that I'm very excited about. Have you spoken to him about the time he introduced you on stage? Yes. I spoke to him when I was on his podcast. I talked to him about the fact that once when I was starting out as a standup, he introduced me on stage at a charity gig at the comedy store in the following way. Please welcome to the stage my main man, James Alabaster. I know I walked on stage to that. One of my favourite stories. Yeah. So obviously he doesn't remember it. That's going to be fun. We'll find out. This is the off menu menu of Paul Chowdhury. It's Paul Chowdhury.

Dave. Welcome, Paul, to the dream restaurant. Welcome, Paul Chowdhury, to the dream restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time. It's been a long time coming, this, and I've got to say what an honour it is for you to have me on this. It is, Paul. Podcast today, what an honour. We're over the moon to have you on the podcast, Paul. Of course we are. When you say it's been a long time coming, how long have you been waiting to come into the dream restaurant? Well, this thing's been going for what, 20 years? Around 20 years. 2018, we started, so around 20 years, yeah. Yeah, so a lot of people say. By the time your episode goes out. Yeah.

You're just stacking them up, but you have a library waiting for the release. That's what I do with my podcasts. Yeah, like Prince. Do you record a lot? We put more in the vault. More two-pack. Yeah, yeah, also two-pack. Yeah, also two-pack. 26 or 25, he had 55 albums in the vault. Wow, something like that. It's almost like he knew. Sugnight knew. Sugnight knew. I always knew we'd get into deep rap conspiracy theories. Straight into talk. This is the fastest in any podcast that we've done that we've talked about Sugnight. This is very early on for the Sugnight chat. I knew this was a very gangster podcast with you two guys. It really is, yeah. Thank you. You, of course, do your own podcast, Paul,

the podcast. Yeah, which we've both been on. Oh, what I know, no, it was to have you on the podcast. It was an honor. You're both very exquisite guests. Thank you very much. And your contribution to the podcast has never been forgotten. Thank you. Cheers, Paul. I'm glad to hear that. Did all your listeners go crazy? James has been on it. Yeah, yeah. And was this Ed Campbell's been on it. I've been on it as well. I enjoyed doing it very much. It's people of your level of success. Yeah. And this was before you did the advert. Yeah. Before I did the advert. Yeah, you got me before I went mainstream. I got you before you were a sellout. Yeah. I haven't told you this. Go on. I was walking on the street and someone

shouted, Kazoo, yeah, you can't at me. At you. Yeah. What did you say? I just ignored. I kind of just laughed. Yeah. I looked around and I laughed because there's someone looking at me really pleased with himself. But I just laughed and gave him the thumbs up and kept on walking. But I think they thought that that's me on the adverts. You should have sug-knighted him. I should have sug-knighted him. Yeah. I mean, he's not exactly a role model for me, sug-knight. Who's name's Shug? Shug. I love Shug. Shugger. Yeah. That story is that if it's short for Shugger, fair enough. Have you got favorite times with Shugger, Paul? Of course. Because of the food podcast. Yeah. Are you a Shugger boy? No, I've given up Shugger years ago. Yeah. Years ago.

Because we should say you're in pretty good nick, Paul. You're a healthy boy. This is obviously a food podcast. So we're interested to hear what you're going to say about food because you're pretty, you're pretty Ripper-armored, right? Now, I remember we having this conversation on my podcast about you were previously a bigger boy, a little fat boy. I don't want to use the term fat bastard. I'd have liked it. I don't want to use the term. I'd have liked if you just let Paul find a boy. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. But I myself confessed previous fat bastard. Yeah. And then you came up with it. And we've talked about this. You came up with this whole premise that you used to have diabetes to sell. Yeah. It's good premise. I'm

still diabetic. I am diabetic, Paul. No, but you use that so you can do the fat bastard jokes. Yeah. I don't think I said that. Huh? He uses it. He uses it. So, you know, you can... I haven't listened to the episode. I don't know what's true. No, but you know, people use it so they come up with conditions and then they can joke about those people. Whatever examples of comedians who have done that. Eddie Murphy doing jokes about African Americans. He can only get away with it. But because he made up that he... But he made up he was African American. Okay. Yeah. Whereas the same thing was at Gamble. He gets away with doing jokes about ethnic minorities because he pretends to be ethnic minority. Hang on. How did we get that?

Diabetes is an ethnic minority. Is that what Paul is saying? Yeah. Is that what I call? I don't want to miss quite you here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Ed makes out that he's from the diabetic community. So, we can make jokes about diabetes. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what you talk about. I'm sorry. I put my hands up and I say, I'm sorry. Shouldn't do that sort of stuff. I'm happy for that message to go out. When you were on Taskmaster, you had to sweat at one point. Oh, yeah. And you exercised a lot. And you really showed them how healthy and fit you were on that. Which I did on the way here today as well. You did some exercises on the way here. On the way here. What did you do?

Around from the cheap station. Did you? Why were you late then? Well, because I was running. I thought you drove here. Should have been on time. I was going to drive. Yeah, come on. And then I decided to take the tube. I thought it would be quicker on the tube and the tube is packed. Yeah. Packed in the shithole. Yeah. Yeah. The horrific scenes on the tube for when I got here. And then my manager's assistant told me it was like 0.2 miles away. So, they do that. Six minute walk. And it's actually half a mile. Yeah. From the tube station, which is like a 40 minute run. Well, that's not 40 minute run. Eight minute walk. You ran in the wrong direction. And then you had to run around again. And people

just watching you run around London. Absolutely. That's like a bad man. And then I was outside and had to contact Ben, the producer. Because I was standing on the street corner for half an hour. Yeah. I think he can verify that. Yeah, he can verify that. But yeah, everything else. I mean, pretty much Paul, when it comes to your life, I only believe the stuff that I was there for. Everything else, there's no way I'm believing it. But I'm looking forward to drilling down into your food choices and your food likes and dislikes, Paul. Because the only time really I've seen you eat, we were in Montreal together once. And we were at a fancy Montreal industry party. It was a comedy industry party. And there were some canapes being passed round.

And everyone was getting on with the canapes. And then you went, no, I'm not having any of this. And you said something you lent over to one of the weight staff. And they went the confused and then walked off. About five minutes later, they brought you over a full plate of avocado on toast. Really? It was a party everyone else was having canapes and you somehow ordered a full plate of avocado on toast. This is a never thing that always happens. He always pretends he doesn't remember the stories about himself. Everyone always brings up stories about you to you. Are you always going, oh, God, I remember it. I don't remember any of this. Yeah. I was in Montreal. The comedy festival. The comedy festival. It was the, we did the

Britcom lineup together. It was me, you, Nish, Sarah Pasco. You don't remember this? Are they comics as well? Yeah, they're all comics, Paul. Yeah. I headlined it, didn't I? No, Nish did. No, Nish was comparing it. No, Nish headlined it. Nish headlined it. I'm saying what I can get. How could Nish headlined it if I'm on the bill? How could you can't even say that as a joke to listeners? Yeah, I was trying to see what you would remember and what you would remember. You did headline it, Paul, annoyingly. We always start with still a sparkling water, Paul. Do you have a preference? Well, you know my answer to this question, don't you? No. No, that's what we were asking.

What I would say to the waiter when they offered me still a sparkling. We do actually know because Greg Davis told us. Oh, okay. Do you remember this? I don't quite remember this, no. Well, I didn't remember this until I was reminded by listeners of this podcast as to my answer. And my answer to that is, what would you recommend? That's good. Because it depends on the waiter, isn't it? You really need to start with that kind of relationship. Set your persona up from the beginning so they know what they're dealing with. Well, like you've done from the beginning of your career, you've set your persona and you refuse to budge from it. But that's me, though, isn't it? I'm a natural. I don't put on the act.

Well, that's the debate. That's the debate that rages through the comedy circuit and has done for about 15 to 20 years. You and Andy Kaufman. How much of this is the real him? I don't know. So you say what do you recommend so you can get to know the waiter better? Yeah. And also, yeah, he sets up the waiter, then you break him down a little bit. Interesting. Break him down at what do you mean? Emotionally, mentally. And then they're more relaxed in the scenario. You're loosening them up. So you're breaking them down to be more relaxed.

You're friendly with them, you know? Right, okay. What do you say? Still, mate. I don't want to be asked. Whereas I'm nice to them. I'm diabetic. Don't even ask that question. Because of water. So what do you recommend? Because that's a question, isn't it? A restaurant. What do you recommend? Yeah, but not normally with the water. I always open with my best material. So that's the best line at a restaurant is what would you recommend? It doesn't work for that bit of the... You don't open with everything you might say in a restaurant when it comes up.

Or would you go, I'll have it cooked medium rare, please. It has to relate to the specific thing. Always open with your closer when you're doing new stuff. Oh, yeah? You know, that's the logic, isn't it? You open with your old stuff. Yeah. So then you've got to get better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that, what would you recommend? Normally came at the main course. Yeah. I start with it out of the water so it can only go up. Why don't you go in and pay the bill? You got a bill done it and get better. That makes sense. Yeah, pay the bill as soon as you go in.

Yeah. Well, some restaurants do that. Some do say, you've got to pay before we bring the food out. Yeah. I went to one shit hole yesterday. Yeah. And they said that this year. We've got to pay for it. Because it, and also maybe it's a bad area and people then eat and then do a runner. Do a donut dash. What was this restaurant you went to yesterday? It was some shisha lounge. Right. Did you partake in the shisha? I don't do shisha. No? No. Too much sugar in it?

Too much sugar in it. And it's basically smoking, isn't it? Is it? Without a filter. Yeah, yeah. But you guys smoke a lot of weed and shit, but I gave all that stuff. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. What did you have at the shisha lounge then if you weren't doing any shisha? I had corn. What? You what? Corn. Corn? Just corn. Yeah. You smoked it? No, I ate it. It's like sweet corn. Yeah, sweet corn.

Like a bowl of sweet corn. Yeah. So it's a shisha lounge and just ordered a bowl of sweet corn. And they made you pay for it first. It was like a pound for that. Straight in. Hello. We assume you'd be wanting this shisha pipe. No. I would just like a bowl of corn. You got to pay for that first. This place is shit. Oh. Anything. Did you have anything else? I got mogo, which is like a vegetable. Yeah. And oh, a chart. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Nice. Lovely. A little papri chart. Yeah. Are you veggie or vegan at this point? I don't tend to eat meat in shittles. Right. That's a good rule, I think. Because you don't know where that meat has been. And it's been pumped with steroids. Yeah. It's like just come out of the gym and then you're eating this chicken. And I tend not to, unless I know what the chicken's been through in its life and the trauma it's been through and the, you know, what, I want to know what life it led

before it got to this point. What details do you need about the chicken? Just its personal life and relationships and how many children it had and where it lived. In terms of how many children it had, is it better to have, for the chickens to have had less children or more children? Well, it depends, you know, because it can vary the taste of that chicken. So I tend to ask, you know, about its qualifications. Yeah. What if one of the details they told you about the chicken's personal life is that it was a massive fan of your comedy? I wouldn't eat it. I would let it live.

Yeah, but no, that's not a restaurant smoke, is it? What restaurant are you going in where they go, you order the chicken and they're like, all right, we'll go and kill it then. They're sort of like a lobster in the town. No, no, they bring the chickens out. I want to go to a place where, yeah, so they're all running around and I talk to one of the chickens. Who else is going to tell me this information? The waiter, we've just established all this. Well, I guess to be fair, Ed and I assumed you'd be talking to the waiter, but you're saying you're talking to the chicken. This is the dream restaurant, I suppose. And they're telling you what their lives are like. So if I never go, I'm a background

pop, you're like, let this one live. They're not Irish, they're just normal chickens. Just normal talking chickens. Yeah, fair enough. So I recommend the still water. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you like the sparkling. No, I'm more of a still boy, actually, but I don't mind the sparkling. If you're asking me the waiter, I recommend the still water with a stick of mini Toblerone in it. Do you still want the still? Why are you asking me? I thought, would you like me to join you for this meal? Well, where are you then? Well, I'm like major D. I'm like overseeing the whole thing. But if you're on my own? Well, you can bring whoever you like. Nothing. You can be sitting on it like a wanker on my

own. You can bring a yell if you want, Paul. I don't mind you bringing a yell if you're at any gender. I'm not just saying yell. It could be with any gender. Who do you want to bring with you? Well, I normally go out for dinner with Greg and Russell Howard. Normally. How often? Whenever I go out for dinners with Greg and Russell Howard. When was the last time you went out for dinner with Greg and Russell Howard? Why are you only on first name terms with Greg? So you always go out for dinner with them? So what did they have at the Shisha lunch? No, we don't go to Shisha lunch. They go to very expensive restaurants. And they order a lot of alcohol. And then we split the bill three ways.

Which can become problematic because I don't drink. You know, when they split it three ways. Yeah. And all you've had is a bowl of corn. And all you've had is corn. And then they've had 17 dishes. Greg eats. You know, man likes to eat. And Russell likes to eat as well. Russell Howard. You're chatting to a chicken in the corner? Yeah, chicken's running around. So would you like, for your dream meal in the dream restaurant, would you like Greg and Russell Howard to be there? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, and the good thing is they play for on this podcast. So we know what the menu would be. Have you heard of these two guys, by the way? Yeah, Greg and Russell Howard. They're in the industry as well. Russell had his TV show and

Greg's been on a couple of bits and pieces. Yeah. You heard of them? Yeah, I've heard of them. Yeah. Yeah. So they're comedians. So I do. Greg did that show The Cleaner where he had the best cameo of all time. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah. With Henner Le Bonham Carter. Yeah. We're actually meaning to go out for dinner, us three. Oh, really? Well, who's you three? Well, Helen Le Bonham Carter. Yeah. Greg and Tim Burton. Her ex-husband. Yeah. I don't think you were in a scene with her, though, are you? No, but she was around, you know, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were hanging out. Yeah. You were in a scene with Geeta from EastEnders. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was in EastEnders, Geeta. Yeah. That was her character name, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know the address. Yeah.

Yeah. I can't remember her name. She was there as well. She was there as well as her character from EastEnders. Yeah. So, yeah, the character from EastEnders was with the woman who played the character from EastEnders. Yeah. Yeah. But she didn't like to be reminded of that. Yeah. Yeah. But Greg was there. Greg was there, which is important. And he's here at your meal now. Yeah. So, you, Greg and Russell Howard, are there. I've bought out your still waters because that's what I recommend. Oh, thanks, man. Pop it up, it's all bread. No. Pop it up, it's all bread, Paul Chelsea. Pop it up, it's all bread. I'm not sure whether you're asking me about popcorns because I'm Indian. Well, what I would say to our credit is we have asked the question,

pop it up, it's all bread in every other episode we've ever done. I've heard every single episode of this. Yeah. And you've only just said to like, you've just said, do you want bread? Yeah. Normally I just say bread. Normally I go, do you want bread? Yeah. That's a bread. And then you shouted, pop it up, it's all bread. Yeah. But we've had other guests who are from, you know, Indian families, Indian backgrounds. Oh, really? Which ones? We don't need to justify this to Paul. No, but we're just saying that we, we definitely, are you suggesting that we didn't shout pop-a-doms at them when we were waiting for you? He was waiting for me to come onto this podcast. Yeah, we were. Yeah, yeah. We knew that it would really get in your head. It would.

This has got to me now. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why we didn't ask this to the chickens. No. Well, we haven't had the chickens on the pod. Oh. They would be awful, I guess. But pop-a-doms are basically the crisp. We're just choosing grapes for you. A big crisp. They're a massive crisp, aren't they? Well, one crisp. That's a little bit, you know. It's one crisp. But a big one. Yeah. It's a one big crisp. How do you feel about having one big crisp? I don't like really pop-a-doms, especially when people like crack it in the middle. Yeah. And then their hands touch other parts of the pop-a-dom. And then you think, which part did they touch? And then, so you got to go first and take as much of that pop-a-dom as humanly possible before

other people start sticking their shit fingers in it. Here's the thing, though. You're having a meal with Greg Davis. I know that he chose pop-a-doms. But Greg's hands is the same size as a pop-a-dom. So, but if he goes to crack it, he's touched every bit, then you might as well order a new, order a new pile of pop-a-doms. Yeah. Yeah. So did you get a bit weird about that sort of thing? If someone's touched your food, you wouldn't eat it. I wouldn't even look at it again. No. Never look at it. What would happen if you looked at it? I'd stay them full. Yeah. I'd say, stuffed. Even if you sat down for a meal with Greg and Russell Howard, and you'd literally sat down, you've had some still water,

they bring over pop-a-doms, Greg cracks the pop-a-doms, you go, I'm full. Yeah. Yeah. If he touches the pop-a-dom, I would say I'm full and then I'll wait till the next course comes out and make sure it's a dish that people don't have to touch. But then you would say, I'm not full anymore? I'm hungry again. It's quite a weird excuse, but couldn't you just say you don't want any pop-a-doms? No, because I do want the pop-a-doms. Yeah. I want the pop-a-doms. Yeah. But you don't want Greg's shit fingers. But some marshal's touched it. Yeah. So when someone's touched your food, it's like, how can you eat food that someone else has touched?

Yeah. How can you do that? What about like, the chef will touch it, quite often, to prepare it. Yeah. How do you feel about that? Yeah, but I think they're touching with gloves on. You reckon? Not in all places, I don't think. I don't think they would take out the pop-a-dom from the deep fryer with their hands. No, but I mean, just food in general, chef might have touched it. People don't do that. No, okay. No one touches it. They'd have to wear gloves. Yeah. They'd have to wear masks. Uh-huh. Hasn't it? Suits. Yeah. And then the food will come out. So I want to know what that weight is doing with

the food, you know. Yeah, you could ask the chicken, I suppose. Yeah. Do you tell you? Is that a lie? Is chicken? Yeah. Because you prefer bread, is what you're saying? Well, I don't really eat bread because bread puts on a lot of weight. Yeah. So I tend to go for pop-a-doms. Just the water. So no pop-a-doms or bread? No pop-a-doms. So you're skipping the whole pop-a-doms. But you don't want prawn crackers? Prawn crackers are basically pop-a-doms with prawn flavour on it. Oh, yeah? So basically, everyone's got a crisp if you look at every nationality. Yeah. Yeah. Every nation has their own crisp. Yeah. Asians, Indians have pop-a-doms. Chinese have prawn cracker. Yeah.

And you've got salt and vinegar. Every nation. Yeah. All the nations. There you go. Indian, China and salt and vinegar. It was Asians, Indians. Yeah, sorry. Asians, Indians. Yeah, that's covered. China. China. UK. UK, yeah. Yeah. Anywhere else? Got there? The Mexicans have got those, what's it called again? Tortillas? Tortilla. So that's a crisp. That's been fried in half. Yeah. Fried in half, yeah. Any other nations? Americans have got potato chips. Yeah. Just name me a nation. I can give you what they've got. Kenya.

Pop-a-doms. Yeah. They have. Yeah, that's a fair point. You've absolutely got, yeah, got me there. Okay. Norway. Norway. The Norwegians have got, they give you a deep fried ice. Deep fried ice? Deep fried ice, they give you, I think. This is water, isn't it? Yes, but that's their version of a pop-a-dom. They deep fry ice. They deep fry ice, I think, I think for a starter. It's a thing, isn't it, out there, I think, in Norway. You can google it. Oh, they'll put it in batter first? Yeah. Yeah. This is why I never trust anything you say, Paul, because the way you deliver that,

which is patently untrue, is exactly the same tone you deliver everything else, including details about your life. Yeah, it's hard. No, but my life, I would never lie about my life. I would never make up stuff. I know it's serious to you, and I know people wouldn't want to be hoodwinked and shit, so I would always tell the truth about my life. Okay, that's good. Okay. And what we went through in Montreal. Yeah, which you remember now. It's coming back to me bits of it, but I try to forget it. I mean, just as a refresher, in Montreal, you ordered a tray of

avocado on toast. Would you like that now as your bread course? Yeah, with anchovies on it. Oh, look, here we go. Your bread course would be avocado on toast with anchovies on it. Yeah, I did that once in it. I lived out in Italy for six months doing devils, Patrick Dempsey drama, and I ordered some anchovies and they bought me a tin of anchovies, and it was 30 quid. Yeah, those tin fishes sometimes can go absolutely insanely expensive. The Spanish ones especially. But they're 99p in Sainsbury's. Yeah.

And I was like, what the fuck is this shit? It's just a tin and it was opened. So like a tiny tin had been opened. Yeah. So for 30, so they charged me 30 quid to open the tin. Yeah. And then with the little Coke thing on it. Yeah. Was it nice anchovies? They were just anchovies. Yeah. But you're a fan of anchovies. But now I really value a tin of anchovies because of it. Because you paid so much for... Well, then when I get a one pound tin of

anchovies home, I'm like, this could be 30 quid in a restaurant. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Makes you appreciate it more now. Let's get into your dream meal. Your dream starter, Paul. Yep. Here we go. I knew this would happen. Instantly... Okay. He's staring off. He's staring off in a nowhere. My dream starter. Yeah. This is a tough one. Yeah.

There's a lot to choose from here. Yeah. Because I'm a real foodie, as you know. Yeah. Coming from a background of cuisine. What's your background of cuisine? Well, I used to... My family had a snack bar in Southall. And I used to work in... I was a chef in there. Oh. I didn't know this. This is all true, yeah. I used to make sandwiches.

What was your signature sandwich? Well, we used to make tuna specials. Yep. Which is now... It was called the Upper Crust, actually. What? What? Which has now been stolen because we didn't pay in the name. So you were the original Upper Crust? We were the original Upper Crust. And it actually got stolen from us because we didn't pay in the name.

So we were going to sue them for starting the Upper Crust. You see it in major stations now. Yeah. That's actually... That was your family's snack bar name. So you used to work in the Upper Crust, the OG Upper Crust. So what was your signature sandwich? The tuna special, you said? Tuna, mayonnaise, onions, a bit of chilli. Oh, nice. If you want chilli in it. But it generally was scar and white people don't like chillies and stuff.

I've got... You know, I used to cook all the time and I've just finished a show for E4's cookery competition. Yeah. Celebrity cooking school. You're a contestant in that? Contestant in that with Keri Katona. You and Keri Katona. Yeah, she's Anu. Versus each other. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of people from Made in Chelsea, Made in Essex.

Late in Essex. Happy Mondays. Yeah. Which one? Basil Schwannreider. Schwannreider. Yeah. And that cleaner. Huh?

That woman who's the cleaner. Mrs. Ench. No, the other one. She used to clean my house or something. Kimwood Byrne? Kimwood Byrne. Yeah. She's in it.

Well, I've never been more excited about a TV show in my entire life. I bet you absolutely rinsed them, Paul. If you're... Yeah, you've got a culinary background. I'm not sure they liked me. I'm not sure some of the contestants took to my level of competition. I say this as someone who loves your company and loves being around you. I guarantee some of them didn't like you.

But that's what makes a good TV, right? It was very tense. Yeah, yeah. Do you cook at home, Paul? Yeah. Yeah, I'm a big cook. I can show you some videos if you want. No? No. What's your signature dish at home?

What do you cook at home? Well, I had to cook on the show as well. Yes. What would I cook if you came over some wholemeal pasta? Yeah. But you're saying that because you're looking at Ed and thinking, what would Ed eat? Yeah.

That looked like what you were doing there. Yeah. You were sizing him up and going. I was looking at his body. He'll probably like wholemeal pasta. Yeah. And there's another time we ate, it was Taskmaster. Yes.

It was the second time we ate together. Yeah, we ate together at Taskmaster because in the series of Taskmaster I did, series nine, Katie Wicks was ill. And then they brought in, they brought in Katherine Ryan to replace her in one episode and Kerry Godlerman to replace her in another episode. And then they were worried that she'd be ill

for the next day as well. So just in case Paul came in, so it was just hanging around the studio. Yeah, great. Eating. Eating. Eating. What a great. And I'd come off, both shows in a row. I came off, Paul was waiting for me at the top of the stairs

and went, yeah, there's some funny stuff in there. Did I say that to you? Yeah. That's nice. You got some napkins there? Thought I'd see one. Yeah, yeah. The coke's wearing off now.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. We still haven't heard what your dream start is, although I think as we go on through the podcast, we'll probably have to pick up on up a crust because I would like to hear about that. Yeah, yeah, we'll pick up on that. But I do like a soft shell crab.

Yes, good. Lovely. Now we're talking. That's probably one of my favorite starters. That's very nice. Deep fried? No. Okay.

Shallow fry. Shallow fry. But with the batter on it. Yeah. Well, it has to be deep fried, I think. I'm not sure if it can be shallow fried. You could probably shallow fry it. I'm sure the right person, the right chef,

would be able to shallow fry that. Or the prawn version, which is like battered prawns. Well, I think they're called crispy, I think they're crispy fried prawns. Crispy fried prawns, yeah. Is that what they're called? Yeah, I guess so. I guess that you could call them that,

maybe prawn tempura or something like that. You would not call prawn tempura in a lot of restaurants. What restaurants are you thinking of? Where do you like to get your crispy prawns? Chinese. Chinese. I'm not going to a fish and chip shop for them, mate. Yeah.

Don't think they do a soft-shell crab. So from a Chinese restaurant, a soft-shell crab? Fried soft-shell crab. Chinese restaurant might be like a king prawn. You know, like a deep-fried king prawns. Deep-fried king prawn, yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you want both of those as you start together?

Yeah. I'll go. Little seafood, maybe. Well, if money isn't an option, and you guys are buying, and you're drinking alcohol, and I know by the end of the meal, there's going to be a problem.

You need to eat as much as you humanly can. Right, okay. Remember, you're with Russell Howard, sorry, and Greg. So... Russell Howard and Greg, yeah. So they're going to be drinking. Yeah. Heavily.

Yeah, heavily. I don't think Russell does drink heavily, though, does he? Actually, you know, you just need a bit of red wine here and there. Yeah. He's not really a big drinker. Is there like a sauce with this soft-shell crab, or like a dipping sauce or something? Yeah, it comes with the...

It comes with like a sauce. So yeah, I know it comes with a sauce, but what sort of sauce? It comes with like a, what do you call it? It's like... It's a dark, watery texture. Like a soy sauce type thing. Like a soy sauce, but it's not soy sauce as such.

Yeah, like a thinner sauce. Yeah, I know the one you mean, like a... The sort of tempura sauce that you would get, really, yeah. I think it's called tempura sauce. Yeah. But I do like a chili sauce on the side. Yeah. So you want a chili sauce?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There used to be a thing when we were younger. Chili wasn't a big thing. So your parents and your uncles and everyone would carry chili in their pockets and bottles of chili sauces. So wherever we went, we had chili with us. Yeah.

Whole chili, would they? No, like a bottle of chili sauce or some asco or something, because I know it wasn't a thing. Back in the 80s, like chili wasn't a thing. Yeah. You'd go to school trips and stuff, and my friends from your background would find even like a salt and vinegar crisps chili.

Yeah, too hot. But it was just a vinegar. Yeah. I still do that on tour, though. I take Randa. Do you? I got a bottle of Nando sauce in there. Oh, really?

Yeah, because sometimes in like hotel breakfasts on tour, they won't have any chili, they don't have anything. And if I'm having eggs, I need to put some chili on there in the morning. Yeah. You eat chili in the morning. Yeah. I eat spice in the morning, baby. Get myself going on eggs.

Scrambled eggs, you need hot sauce, I think. A bit of a kick in the morning on the, yeah. Like, also avocados on toast, nice of some chili in it. Avocados and toast in a hotel. You can get that sometimes. Yeah. You know, I'm spending on the hotels, mate. But what we're just saying, I'm just more referring to just like

starting the day with a bit of chili. That kind of stuff's great. What, chili on eggs? Yeah. Brilliant. Delicious. What hotels are you staying in on tour? Ibises, Holodanes.

Oh, mate, come on. 49.99 hotels. You're selling out Wembley. What are you doing in there? Yeah, but there's overheads. And there's a lot of outgoings, you know? So you've got to stay in. In fact, I drive myself to the Wembley.

Okay. Are you sure you don't need to do that? Well, I don't live too far. So far. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. That's convenient. And you let the other guys set up the show, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad you're not setting up for your own show. Yeah. You guys are done Wembley, yeah? No. No, neither of us is done Wembley. How come?

I don't think I could sell it. Yeah, I don't think I could sell enough tickets, Paul, to be honest. You guys could, you could probably do this podcast at Wembley. We probably could do this podcast at Wembley, yeah. We admit that. Yeah. But since 2018, at least 10,000 people would have heard this podcast.

Yeah. You know that that's not how selling tickets works, right? No. Very difficult to sell tickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think we could do Wembley with this podcast, but it's what do you do in Wembley if you're doing a podcast? Yeah, because you could do this as a live podcast.

And I know you have done it as a live podcast. So why don't you do it in Wembley? I'll be a guest on it. Because now, because you're doing it now. We'll put it right now. Wait, unless we did a redemption episode. Sometimes we do a redemption episode. Well, don't put this out.

Because you want to save for Wembley. Let's just save it. Yeah. Just talk to the producer. So don't put this out. Well, you can talk to him now. Yeah, but he's your producer. I'm not going to tell him.

He's not going to listen to me. You might listen to me. I mean, I'm really enjoying this episode, Paul. But let's not put this out. I'm going to say it. I feel like there's too many big silences for Wembley. Yeah. No, but I'm playing the room.

Yeah, you will. So you're playing Wembley now in the conversation. I'm not playing this room. But the big silences. I mean, you need the laugh to go to the back and then back to you. You need to leave the big silences at Wembley. As you know. Yeah, I did live in it at Wembley.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm live in a tour show there. And it's a nice room. Free main course. Main course. Yeah. You're talking like this is a new concept to you, the main course.

This is very difficult. There's so many to choose from here, you see. Yeah. With all the cuisines of experiment. With around the globe. It depends what mood you're in as well. And if I'm having a cheat day with Greg and Russell Howard, it depends what I would go for.

And one of my favorite dishes when I was in Italy, and it was cooked in its natural inhabitant. And as it was supposed to be cooked, which you don't really find in London, was caccia pepe. Which is cooked in a bat of cheese, which is actually cooked in a bat of cheese, like a massive cheese ball. And they open it up and they cook it in the cheese bat.

The bat. Yeah. What do you mean by bat of cheese? Like a bat of cheese. We've not heard this phrase before. I might be wrong, but I would say like a wheel of cheese or something. Like a bat of cheese, isn't it?

A bat of cheese. Yeah. What? Yeah, you haven't heard that expression before. No. B-A-T? Yeah. No.

A bat of cheese. Yeah. Which means what? Which means like a big lump of cheese. A bat. Yeah. But you guys do English literature or language? Yeah.

Never heard that phrase before. A bat of cheese. No. And I'm sure that's the phrase, but I've just never heard it and you've presented it. Because you said it's cooked in a bat and I was like, what? Yeah.

A bat. Like a bat of cheese. No, I'm just going to Google bat of cheese. No, I don't want to Google it. No. I think we just leave it. We'll let the producers have a look at this reel. Did you mean bag of cheese is what's come up?

I meant bag of cheese. You meant bag of cheese. Not bat of cheese. Let's keep it. Just maybe just check that Google. Is it a bat of cheese? Have you got internet reception now? Yes, he's got internet reception.

And he's Google bat of cheese and all that's come up is, did you mean bag of cheese? Well, this was in Rome. He's on Google in the UK. He's on the UK, so if he was Italian Google, it would say, yes, that's what we could. Can you see bat of cheese? Can you write bat of cheese in Italian?

Bat of cheese, Italy. Google that. No, write it in Italian. We've gone Google Translate. Bat of cheese into Google Translate. Do you mean like wheel of cheese, like a whole cheese? Not like wheel of fortune. Pippa's Trello Di Formaggio, is that what you just put?

What's coming up? Let me have a look. What has come up when you put Pippa's Trello Di Formaggio into Google is, from what I can make out, a little canapé, which is a rolled up ball of cheese, which has been dyed black, and they've stuck olives for eyes and big tortilla chips in it for ears, so they look like bats.

That's the main Google thing. If you Google that, bat of cheese in Italian, it comes up with a Halloween novelty snack that you would serve up to guests when they arrive, where they've made balls of cheese, look like bats, by putting tortilla chips in the ears. That's the main course. It says Pippa's Trello Di Halloween.

So do you want Pippa's Trello Di Halloween for your main course? Well, I've said bat of cheese. Yeah, so that's what you're going to have. Pippa's Trello Di Halloween. That's your main course. The catchier pepe's gone now. And the catchier pepe. Yeah, but you would like Pippa's Trello Di Halloween as well.

Yeah, perfect. Do you like bats as an animal? No. No. Quick as you've answered a question. Not a big fan of bats. Don't like them. But I do like a bat of cheese.

Yeah. Yeah, you like a bat of cheese. Yeah, a Pippa's Trello Di. A Pippa's Trello Di Halloween? Pippa's Trello Di Halloween. With some catchier pepe on there. Yeah. Yeah, I talk about the catchier pepe.

What do you like about that? It's very cheesy. It's very peppery. Yeah. That's why they call it a pepe. Yeah. The pepe is the peper. Yeah.

But people didn't know that. Really? Who didn't know that? A lot of people have told about this dish. Do they name and shame anyone who didn't know? I didn't ask them their names, but they didn't know. You didn't know their names? But you were telling them about...

You were telling them about catchier pepe. It's called that because it's got pepper in it, but you didn't know who they were, what their names were. But you were telling them this? When I came back, I was like, you've got to try this, catchier pepe. What's that? I'm like, it's pretty obvious what it is.

But you didn't know these people's names? So you were like, what, in the airport? They think you catch the pepper from somewhere. Some people would, some people we knew what it was. They thought you've got to catch the pepper and create this dish. But you can't catch pepper. You can catch bats.

You can't. You can't catch pepper? Why can't you catch pepper? It doesn't just fly around, does it? It's not just... So if you just picked the pepper... Well, you're picking pepper, yeah. Is that not catching it?

You're not catching it? No. What about if we put you in the crystal dome, the end of the crystal maze, and filled it with peppercorns? And we just fired them in, and they went up in the air. Yeah, but that wouldn't be a natural way to catch your pepe. Doesn't have to be natural.

You're catching it still. You're catching the pepper. And what present are we talking about? The original... Oh, okay, yeah. This is important. What one do you want? Are we talking about O'Brien,

or are we talking about Awade? Ed Tudorpole. Well, there's Ed Tudorpole in the middle as well. That's not the right amount of history. Yeah. Who? Ed Tudorpole. He presented it after Richard O'Brien.

Did he? Yeah. The lead singer of Temple Tudor. Yeah. I'll go with him. You want him? Okay, the one you forgot about. That was a big fan of his.

You want Ed Tudorpole? Yeah. You're happy with Ed Tudorpole firing peppercorns into the crystal dome, but you've got to catch them all. Yeah. And then you would admit that you're catching pepe. Well, you're not catching it,

because it's not just flying around, is it? Well, what was in the crystal dome? In this natural... You obviously know where pepper comes from, don't you? Yeah. It grows, yeah? Yeah. But it doesn't then take off?

No. So it should be pick-a-pepe. So the dish would be called pick-a-pepe? Yeah, because the people that don't... So you're having pipa stradley to Halloween and pick-a-pepepe? Yeah. Yeah, you want pick-a-pepepe,

because you don't catch it. Hmm. Yeah. Delicious. We're enjoying this meal so far. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. What are Greg and Russell Howard thinking so far, do you think?

What do they think of that? What they're drinking at the moment. What they're thinking and drinking. What do they think when the pipa stradley to Halloween comes out? Would you think they would think about that when you've ordered that? I think Greg would enjoy that. Yeah.

Russell Howard? Russell Howard, on the other hand, is a very serious man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'd love to watch one of these meals unfold. Yeah. Genuinely.

I'd love to be a pipa stradley on the wall at one of these. It'd be a very good TV. If they're looking to do like a follow-up of the trip, because, you know, Cougan and Bride are not doing it anymore, I would suggest making it a free-hander and having it you, Greg and Russell Howard, because I would watch that,

especially if you went to Italy in one of them, like they did in the original. Paul just got a look in his eyes there. That he's decided that that's genuinely a good idea. So I'd like to apologize in advance to the manager that both Paul and I share for the amount of phone calls he's going to receive about that. Yeah.

And to the commissioners at Sky, and to Michael Winterbottom. We come to your dream side dish. What side is she going for here? You've got the pipa stradley to Halloween and the catchier Pepe. Sorry, the picker Pepe. You've already had the deep fried prawns.

Mmm. She's a lovely star. Soft shell crab. Yeah, a really nice star. So the side dishes are interesting, aren't they? Because you've got so much choice as well. Yeah, you've got your spinach. She's got a lot of Bahrainian stuff.

Creamy spinach. Cream spinach as a dish. Cream spinach. Parsnips. Olives. Olives. Olives? Olives is a side dish, do you think?

Don't pay us seriously. You're not nodded. Is it a side dish? Well, I don't know. I don't ever see a side dish. Would you have olives as a side dish? Would you have olives as a side dish? I think it's going to be a pre-meal thing,

around the bread course. I'd say like, I think you might get some olives. Oh, sometimes the bread. But you didn't offer me the olive oil with the bread. Oh, you could have asked for it. You could have asked for it, yeah. Oh, I could have asked for that. Yeah.

Do you want... Yeah, I'll need some of the olive oil with the bread. For your... But remember, your bread course is toast with avocado and anchovies on it. You want olive oil? Yeah, but I'll sprinkle the top. You put the olive oil on top of that?

On top of that. Fine. So what do you want as a side dish? I'd probably go with if it's a cheat day. Yeah, it's very controversial. Hope you don't take me off this. Cheat days are controversial. Well, what I'm about to say.

Right. Chips. Yeah, you've really... You've changed the game on this one, Paul. Has anyone said this before? No, I don't think anyone's said chips before. I think you're the first person to choose chips on the podcast, yeah. So that's specifically for a cheat day.

So all week when you're working out, you're keeping it lean, you're getting ripped, you're thinking about chips. Yeah. Because it's a good crisp, isn't it? Okay. Hang on, what? It's a version of... It's from the crisp family.

Sure, it's from the family. Yeah, yeah, they're related. From the crisp family. Potatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What sort of chips do you want? Deep fried? Deep fried chips.

I like thin chips. I don't like the fat bars, no offence. No offence, I don't know. Yeah, I do like a good... Thin chip. A good chip. Like a french fry. No, English, good.

But like in McDonald's, you know that's kind of french fry? Yeah. Are you thinking about that? Yeah, when you go to like a good hotel restaurant, they're very thin, aren't they? Can you think... Can you remember the best chips that you've ever had? I think the Dorchester do very good chips.

Yeah. The restaurant of the Dorchester Hotel. Yeah, in London, somewhere. Tom Cruise stays. Yeah. Oh, it's my Tom Cruise stays? Yeah, he does. How did you know that?

It's common knowledge. Yeah. That he stays there when he films in London. Have you ever stayed there? No. So what would you go to the restaurant for the chips? It's not really within my budget of hotel. It's a Dorchester.

It's not within my... Yeah, I think it's a realm of possibility. It's a distant dream for me, someone like me. I'm not within that pay bracket. You are. But like, so are you going with... But you've been to the restaurant there? Yeah, I've been to the restaurant.

Yeah, I took my dad there for his birthday last year. Oh, lovely. Greg and Russell Howard invited to that? No, they did. It was more of a family meal. They extended family. Did you dad have the chips? He had a few chips here and some baked fish and stuff.

Nice. When you eat chips around people, are they like, wow, this is very rare because it must be a cheat day or something? Yeah, it must be a cheat day, yeah. Pause eating chips. We never get to see this. Very rarely do I eat chips and I'm doing it today because I've been waiting for how many years since you started this spot?

20. 28 years since you've started this and I thought, you know, it's going to treat myself with lots of ketchup. How often do you have a cheat day, Paul? Well, you're supposed to have them once a week, right? If you're training, because you train a lot, don't you now? I try to, but I don't really do that. I don't go in for the whole cheat day or my diet.

You do cheat days. I like food too much. So I like the training because it makes me feel good, but aesthetically, I'm not so focused on it that I'm not just going to eat what I want most of the time. So you just eat anything? No, I eat pretty much anything, yeah. Yeah, but you're a happy man now.

You've got a girlfriend, fiance, wife. He had a girlfriend. You've got a wife now? I've got a wife. What about your girlfriend? Oh, she's fine with it. That's a good one, isn't it? Yeah, that's funny.

That always works, isn't it? Yeah. People will laugh at that at home. They'll think, oh, he's got some comedy in this now, because he said, go from what? And then he said, what would he go for? Did you get it? Yeah, yeah.

If you laughed at that joke, tweet Paul about it and let him know I laughed. Just tweet Paul and say, I laughed, and then put hashtag, good joke. A good joke? Yeah. That will always work, that joke. Yeah, and also include the hashtag, it will always work.

Through the history of time and jokes, it's such a simple format. Yeah. Because you take someone in one direction. And then I thought his girlfriend became his wife. Yes. I was insinuating the girlfriend. Is this another person?

Yeah. Yeah, or boyfriend, whatever. Yeah, or it could be any gender. We wouldn't work with that, because you'd already said girlfriend. Yeah, we'd be in that scenario. So we'd work to go, you've got a girlfriend now, and that guy's got a wife, and then you say,

what is your boyfriend? Okay, with that, it would be logically as a joke. Then people wouldn't laugh. The structure doesn't make sense. You can hear the laughter now as people listen to this. That wouldn't have worked. No. But if you said you've got a husband now,

what would your boyfriend think of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would work. That works, that's the thing. He would get a round of applause at home. Yeah. Yeah, at home. At home, it gets a round of applause.

People at home listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not at our house. With your boyfriend. No. No. I mean, to be fair, was with his partner before her. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Wife. Oh. Great. That's good. Oh. See, this was a club. Yeah. I mean, the roof's off.

I'd have ripped it. The roof's off by that point. When the stadium's in rubble at this point. Yeah. You can't say that. You can't say that about me. No. You can't because of my look.

If you're not listening to this. Go on. I've got a beard. I'm Asian and you said I've left when we stayed in rubble. You did say that. You can't say that. I did say that. You can say it to this guy.

Yeah. Ed. If you said it to me, it comes across slightly differently. Am I in trouble now, do you reckon? Well, it depends on the listeners. Yeah, yeah. They, I know you've got a very liberal left wing audience. Yeah.

They could get offended with that. So they were like applauded in a minute ago at your joke. How do you think they reacted now to be saying that when we stayed in? We've got to now try and pull this back. Yeah. Do you reckon we can pull it back with the drink? Yeah, yeah. I think we try and pull it back with what your drink course is.

Oh, the drink course. Yeah. This is very controversial. What am I about to say? So no booze for you. No. No booze. You don't like booze?

I've been drunk in 23 years. Wow. What was the last alcoholic drink you had? Can you remember? Great question. I had a hot toddy. I don't know why that was so funny, Paul. Your last alcoholic drink.

Hot toddy. Well, that's been done. Why is that funny? It's really funny. It's the idea of you finishing that and going never again. Never again after a hot toddy. Never again. It's such like not a...

I don't know why. It's such a specific and like rare thing. Hardly anyone is having a hot toddy ever. And you had a hot toddy. I've hit rock bottom, man. It's my last one. I'm done. I had that two months ago.

You said your last drink was 23 years ago. Yeah, that was the last proper drink. But two months ago you had a hot toddy. No, but I wasn't feeling well a couple of months ago. Okay. Well, that's gone. So you said you'd not had a drink in 23 years. But you had a hot toddy two months ago.

Yeah, but for medicinal purposes. Yeah, but it's still an alcoholic drink, Paul. But it doesn't count because it's medicine, isn't it? It's like medicine contains alcohol if you have a day and a night in us. And there's alcohol content. I'm not technically drinking. So before medicines were invented, people used to have hot toddies. Yeah, but medicines are invented now.

Yeah, yeah. How often do you have a hot toddy? When I'm not feeling well. And how often is that? Every week. They're on their feet at home. They're shouting for more. Do you deliberately set him up for it as well?

Yeah. How often is that? He knows where this is going. He's got it. He's a pro. You had a hot toddy two weeks ago or two months ago or whatever. So you are kind of having alcohol every now and again when you feel ill. Only a hot toddy.

Only hot toddies. I know you're buying whiskey especially for that. Do you have whiskey in the house now? Yeah, about three, three, five bottles. Big bottles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you make your hot toddies. But what's your dream drink going to be?

Is it going to be a hot toddy, your dream drink? Hot toddy. So serious. Hot toddy. Hot toddy. Oh gosh. So with your dream meal, it's going to be a hot toddy. Which would suggest that you're ill for your dream meal, right?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I mean, if you're going to have your dream meal, being ill would be the best situation for to have it. Why? Because you could be dead soon. Sorry. The best, your dream is to be so ill that you could be dead soon.

So what are Greg and Russell Howard thinking at this point? Well, they're worried. You're having a hot toddy. If they're worried, you guys are laughing about this. They're thinking this guy could be dead soon. Yeah. So you're having a good meal, having a hot toddy. So that's your dream drink.

I'm just taking my hoodie off. Is there a particular sort of whiskey that you like with a hot toddy? Whiskey is whiskey, I think. I think a lot of people would disagree with that. Yeah, a lot of people who like whiskey would be like, absolutely not. I don't really have a preference apart from 1983 Jack Daniels. Okay, there you go. 1983 Jack Daniels.

Oh no, Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker. So you can have the 1983 Johnny Walker. Hot toddy. Hot toddy. Oh no, the other one. Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and Black Label. That's Johnny Walker, I think.

Is it? Yeah. Do you want that? Yeah, Johnny Walker, Red Label, or Black Label. What are those two? I think Red Label's better. Red Label. Red Label.

Johnny Walker, Red Label, Hot Toddy for your drink. Because you're at death's door. Because you're at death's door, you're at death's door. Well, you know, it used to work as a medicinal purpose in the olden days. Yeah. But you've got to mix it with honey and lemon. That's what you do in your Hot Toddy. So your Hot Toddy is Johnny Walker, Red Label,

with honey and lemon. Nothing else in there? A bit of ginger? A bit of ginger, yeah, you can chuck that in. Is that part of Hot Toddy? Well, I was thinking if it's. If it's from a medicinal purpose, it can't do any harm, can it, at that point?

I like a bit of ginger and whiskey as nice. It really warms you up, doesn't it? You can feel it. Yeah. It's a good drink choice. We've never had a Hot Toddy, have we? No, this is our first Hot Toddy on the podcast. First Hot Toddy on the body.

That's great, isn't it? The Hot Poddy. Yeah. You turn this into a Hot Poddy. How's that feel? And then the side of Ribena. Oh, hello. Side of Ribena.

You like Ribena? I like Ribena. I like coconut water. And then that's a nice, because it refreshes the palate. I actually don't drink with my food, because you don't digest your food. If you drink while you're eating, so you don't get the nutrients out of the food.

So when you're eating, you don't have a single drop of liquid. I have a drink 15 minutes before eating, and then 15 minutes after eating, and then I eat in the middle. Because when the water and the liquid is mixed up with the actual food, it doesn't go to the right departments. What? It doesn't go to the right departments.

In your body. What are all the departments? Well, it gets confused, because it's like the Poseidon Adventure in your stomach. Because the food's all sloshing around. It's like the Titanic. Yeah. So if you eat and drink at the same time, where does the food go?

Well, it doesn't know where to go, because it's all mixed with liquid. So if you notice that you don't become ripped when you mix water with your food or drinks. I've not noticed that. No. You haven't noticed that? Well, I've not become ripped ever, but like...

Well, watch what you do now, when you take this advice on board. Yeah. Next week you're going to be ripped. So for this dream meal, you're having a hot toddy 15 minutes before you eat. I probably could have the hot toddy at the end, and then the ribena at the beginning.

At the beginning. Yeah. You gotta... The ribena 15 minutes before water course. Yeah. And then if you've got to extend it 15 minutes again after the water course. I'd have to wait 15 minutes, yeah.

And then you've got your avocado on toast. Yeah. And then your whole menu. And then 15 minutes later, you have a hot toddy. And I actually had to probably wait for the dessert. Yes, yeah. Yeah, after that. Yeah, dessert.

Yeah. We arrive at the dessert. No idea which way this is going to go. Russell Howard and Greg are absolutely off their face. And we're talking dessert trolley, or we're talking about? It's your dream. Well, it's your dream. So it's whatever you want for dessert.

Do you remember the dessert trolleys? Yeah. You're probably too young to remember. I remember the dessert trolley. Was that always an exciting moment when they wheeled the dessert trolley around? Was little Paul all excited? Well, yeah.

Sometimes people used to be sitting on that dessert trolley and they used to wheel him out as well, or her. Oh, what? People were sitting on it? Yeah, people sit on it. That's the problem with dessert trolleys. So you don't know what's going on with the trolley before the dessert's been on it.

You don't trust? So not only do you worry about the background of a chicken before you eat it, you're worried that someone's been sat on the dessert trolley before they put the dessert at the restaurant. You can see the dessert trolley just sat there with desserts on it. Right.

So I want to know that dessert's been in the fridge. Right. OK. But with it, like, if you can't see the dessert trolley, in your mind, what's the worst thing that they could have done to the dessert trolley? Oh, you can't. This is a family podcast, isn't it?

No. Well. I mean, what is in your mind? What is the worst thing that could have happened? So you can say. What's the worst thing that could have happened on that dessert trolley before they put the desserts on it? Um...

There's a lot of things going through my mind right now. Go on. So it's the same out loud. Well, you can say this. Yeah. Fucked it, isn't it? So not had sex on it. That's what I assumed.

You were worried that someone had sex on it. What I wasn't expecting is that you were worried that they'd actually fucked the dessert trolley. No, the dessert. Not the trolley. Oh, like an American pie. Yeah. An American pie, he fucks a pie.

That's the whole reason he's called an American pie. He puts his dick in a warm apple pie and he fucks it. I don't know if you can say this. He gets called by his dad. Producers looking at his computer thinking, can we not put this in? Can we take this in another direction? No, this will be...

Paul, this is going to be the trailer, mate. Yeah, this will be in the podcast. Don't worry about it. But you, so you're worried that they fucked the desserts. Yeah. Yeah. We'll put their dick in it. We'll just put their dick in it.

Hmm. Yeah, yeah. What's the difference between someone fucking the dessert and putting their dick in it? Well, people put bodily foods in food as well. But I want to know because you said you're worried that someone's fucked the dessert or put their dick in it. Yeah.

But isn't that the same thing? Not really. Go on. You've put your dick in a lot of things, haven't you? Yeah. I wouldn't say... I actually wouldn't say a lot of things. You've not fucked your pants every morning.

No, exactly. I don't fuck my pants. You just put your dick in them. You just put your dick in them. Yeah, that's true. That's a really good point. And I, you know what? I'll take that on board.

Yeah, you've had countless partners. Right. You might have put your dick in them. Yeah, but then I've fucked them, haven't I? No, you've made love to them. Right, OK. OK. What if someone had made love to your dessert?

That's fine. Because it was done lovingly. Yeah. Yeah, OK, fine. It's not aggressive. Yeah. Yeah. So what is this dessert that someone's made love to,

potentially? Yeah. Tiramisu. We're in hot Toddy's situation here again. I've got no idea why that's absolutely the funniest thing you could have picked, Paul. Really funny. It's also the worst one for anyone to put their dick in.

You're going to spot it straight away. There's so much going on there. But there could be a cover-up. What? You could cover it up again. Yeah. Like the cream on the top. Yeah.

Cream. Just a bit more cocoa. Brush the cream over. Put some cocoa powder on it. I don't know that you put your dick in it. It's got coffee in it as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. You like that?

Yeah. Yeah. Bit of a buzz at the end of the minute. Like a coffee in a dessert. Yeah. That's another Italian pick from you here. There's a lot of Italian themes here. Yeah.

Yeah, you spent a long time in Italy filming that thing, didn't you? I was institutionalised. Yeah. You buy yourself filming in Italy, right? Yeah. But were you friends with the rest of the cast? Were you all going-

Just Patrick Dempsey. Just Patrick Dempsey. Yeah, he was being sold at Just Patrick Dempsey, really. Yeah. You know Patrick used to be in Grey's Anatomy. Yeah. There was the doctor in it. So would you-

Ate his films? Would you maybe one day maybe take Patrick Dempsey to one of your meals with Greg and Russell Howard? That would be a good meal, actually. Could they get on? See, I don't really cross-pollinate my international star friends with each other because you just don't know what could happen.

Yeah. Nobody could imagine that scenario. Yeah. See, I'm friends with everyone, you see. Yeah. It's normal for you to be friends with me. But those guys, there's a lot of egos involved, though. Yeah, they're big stars.

Do you behave differently around them? Do you think- I'm just a normal person. But do you think- Well, do you think that you behave differently with Patrick Dempsey as you do with Greg and Russell Howard? Exactly, exactly the same. But like, okay, well, let's see.

Imagine now that Patrick Dempsey's just arrived. Say hello to him. Yeah. Hey, Pat, how are you doing, mate? Hey, hey, hope you're well. And now Greg and Russell Howard have arrived. Say hello to them. Hey, Greg, hey, Russell, how are you doing, mate?

Oh, yeah. It's very difficult. Yeah. Who's your most famous friend in my phone? Sure. Do you have to have their telephone number? Is that- No, it's just who you would consider my friend.

Because I've got a lot of people's phone numbers who probably aren't my friends as colleagues or whatever. But like, someone who you could hang out with and would maybe ring you up and say, hey, Paul, how's it going? You know, like a friend. Or someone, if you ran into them, you'd have a chat with them for a bit

and you could maybe then go for a lunch with them or something. Yeah. I'll have you then. I'm going to read you a menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. Are you running down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Run it down.

So you would like 15 minutes before, you would like some ribena. Then you want some still water, because I recommended it to you. 15 minutes later, you would like a tray of avocados on toast with anchovies with some olive oil drizzled on it. Sprinkled. Yep.

Then you would like soft shell crab and deep fried crispy prawns with chili sauce. Mm-mm, mm-mm. Main course, pick and pepe and pepper-strel-y-dill Halloween. Side dish, chips from the Dorchester. Drink, uh, well, we'll get to that later, I just think. Your dessert, you would like a tiramisu, if someone's made love to.

And 15 minutes after that, you would like a hot toddy. What was the side again? The side dish was chips from the Dorchester. Oh, of course, yeah, sorry. It's a cheat day. Some ketchup. Some ketchup, yeah. It's quite the menu, Paul.

It's good, isn't it? Yeah. The main course is a bit of a left swerve, I'd say. Yeah, I mean, you know, catch your pepe on its own, fine. Delicious, yeah. You said it should be called Pick a Pepe, so we changed it for you. You can't even get that in this country.

Yeah. Catch your pepe. I've looked around everywhere. I don't know, I bet if you googled now, where to get it in London, you'd find somewhere probably like 10 minutes walk from here. Yeah. Not from here, I did find it once at Camden Market.

And it was terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Is that done in the Bat of Cheese? Yeah, it just didn't have that authenticity about it. I had it in Camden Market. Did you? Made in a Bat of Cheese, yeah.

And it was pretty nice that there's a place in Shoreditch that does it in the Bat of Cheese proper, and that was delicious. Really? Yeah. There's some really good Italian places. In London? Yeah.

Padala, I reckon you'd get some good catch your pepe. You joking? No. Do you want to go? Yeah. You'd struggle to find Pipistrada del Halloween, I'd imagine. Yeah.

Pipistrada del Halloween. I think you've got to go to some special places for that. It's got to be Halloween, for example. And usually, by the looks of the photos, it's just someone's party at their house that they've done some. Yeah, let's have a look. Paul's looking at the photo of the Pipistrada del Halloween

now to see what he's holding. That's the first time I've seen it. That's the first time I've seen it as well. And look what they got in them. Mexican crisps. Yeah. I thought the eyes were olives at first glance, but they don't seem to be olives.

They seem to be little fried eggs from like a Haribo. Yeah. And the ears on some of them are tortillas that you mentioned earlier. Yeah. Doritos. Doritos. They look edible, though, don't they?

No. Yeah. Oh, no. Not really. I mean, the faces are cheesy, but mixed with something that makes them like... Black. Little black-back faces, but like...

Well, Paul, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. We've had a lovely time with you. Oh, this has been... I'm stuffed. I can't move. This has been real. This has been real. Would you normally go back to Russell Hamilton or Greggs now,

if the three of you had been out, or was it just straight home for all three of you? No, they'd just get an Uber straight after the restaurant. Yeah. Are they in the Uber together? No, separate Ubers. Separate Ubers. Yeah. I think they meet up afterwards.

And then do you drive back? I drive home. Yeah. I tend to drive places. Any final words for any of your fans listening? Yeah, I'm just... Where are we going to start the actual podcast? Well, we'll take a quick pause here and then we'll get going, OK?

Don't you do that at the end of a meal when the meal's finished. And then you say to the person, let's order mains. That's good. That's a good one, isn't it? It's good. Or what's everyone else having when the waiter brings over the food for everyone? Or when the waiter comes to pick it up and says, I'll have the same again. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's a good one as well. Yeah, that's a good one. So you keep it going with the waiter because you don't want them to fuck the food. You know, you keep it going. You keep that rapport. And then they'll kick out the term of the suit. Yeah, you know, you don't... Because I don't like it when people rude to the waiters and the staff because then they're going to...

That's the unmetting contract, right? Yeah. You're nice to them and they don't fuck the dessert trolley. They don't only make love to the dessert trolley. Thank you very much, Paul. One honour and a privilege it was to come to this restaurant. Well, there we are. Oh, I mean, I think it's the most you've laughed in an episode, potentially.

Yeah, might have been. Really lost it quite a few times there. A lot of stuff. I can't even begin to list it. You just heard all of it anyway. Paul, so that shows you in the intro, we're going, here's what Paul... He's really unpredictable, but here's what he's definitely going to do. He didn't do any of it.

No, I think the only thing he did that we predicted is made up his menu on the spot. Yeah. Because he hadn't thought of it before. Also said something deliberately confusing and then stared at us. Yeah. Everything he said was that. Thank you very much, Paul, for coming into the Dream Restaurant. Thank you, Paul.

We loved it. And of course, we loved it even more because he didn't say flax seed. You didn't say the secret ingredients. I mean, I don't know how Paul would have responded if he had said it. And we said, right, that's it. You don't get any dinner. I think that would have... Well, it would have baffled him, I think.

Yeah, that would have spiralled out into a whole other thing. Yes. You must listen to Paul's podcast, The Podcast, where he interviews a different comedian every week. It's always different. It's always unique. And it's all through the wonderful filter of Paul Choudhury. Yeah.

Paul's tour is called Family Friendly Comedian. You must go and see that. Yes, absolutely. You're on tour, Ed. I'm on tour doing my show Electric. Do go onto my website edgamble.co.uk for tickets and details. Check out where I might be on. I mean, you know, what else can you say at the end of such an episode?

I hope you all, you know, are tweeting Paul to let him know that you're laughing at hope at that joke you made. Yeah, please, and that you're applauding. That would be great. Thank you very much for listening to The Off Menu Podcast. I'm very tired now, so we're going to go. Yeah, we're going to have a little hot toddy. We're going to have a little hot toddy.

Apple steak. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case.

Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy.

Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.