Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 171: Chloe Petts

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

Petts wins prizes is this week's episode, as acclaimed stand-up (and Ed’s regular support act) Chloe Petts orders her dream meal. Amazing this episode survived, considering the water spillage. Chloe Petts is on tour with ‘Transience’ in 2023. Visit chloepetts.org for dates and tickets. Follow Chloe on Twitter and Instagram @ChloePetts Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive. Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations). Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Hello, and welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the egg white of chat, the whiskey of rude humor, and the sweet, sweet boys, the sugary syrup boys, putting them all in the cocktail shaker of the internet and shaker, shaker, shaker, shaker, shaker, shaker to form the frothiest and sourest podcast available. Hello, James. I'm a sugary sweet boy. That's a sugary sweet boy. That said, my name is James. We own a dream restaurant. I need lemon juice in it as well, because otherwise it's not sour.

Benito is the lemon juice, the sour, bitter old man. Sour little producer cutting out any mentions to him. And this is Off Menu, dream restaurant. We invite a guest in. We ask them their favorite ever start, a main course, a side dish and a drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Chloe Pets. Chloe Pets, wonderful comedian. My support acts on tour a lot of the time. Of course, Anya Magliano also supports me on tour, and she's been on a previous episode. Yeah, so this completes the set, I believe. Complets the set. Chloe does most of them, no. Sorry Anya.

Sorry Anya. Sorry Anya. But a real treat to have Chloe coming on the Off Menu podcast, because also, I know she likes her food. I would not have a support act who did not enjoy eating food. Yeah. It would be a disaster they'd be fired after one gig. Main bit of criteria. Genuinely, it would be a real disappointment. Yeah. I think it would ruin your tour, right? If you were like, oh, where are we going to

eat today? And they went, not really bothered. Although I've not been great eating wise on tour. I get worried about being too full before the gig. Yeah. And it's been a lot of dressing rooms. I think Chloe's fed up with Nando's. Yeah. I can never get fed up with Nando's, so. That's the thing. I think, I think my theory is, when it's your tour, you never get sick

of Nando's. If you're supporting someone on tour, you can get sick of Nando's pretty quick. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. I think it's something about how much you're putting into, yeah, you're putting on the show. Yeah. How important the show is to you that evening. I'm not saying it doesn't matter to tour support.

They want to have a good one, but not so much that. But it's a gig, right? Yeah. Your name's not on the, your name's not above the door. Yeah. I've done a lot of support. I was eating all sorts of shit before I went on. Do whatever. Now, Nando, I had eaten my Nando's, keep it clean, keep it healthy. So I've got the energy

for the show. Yeah. So many times on tour, you know, I think, not Nando's today, and then as we're getting towards the city, I'm Googling, I'm going, Paul, we're going to Nando's. We're going to Nando's. My tour manager's also called Paul. Yeah, they're always called Paul. It's a different Paul to yours. Tour manager's, yeah.

Yeah. Now, listen, Chloe Petz, one of the greats. Yes. I'll feel bad if we have to do this. Yeah. And the secret ingredient that if Chloe Petz mentions it, we will have to kick her out the dream. It's also going to be, because we've got to go to Southend after this.

Well, but also this episode, if Chloe says the secret ingredient should be kicked off your tour. Yeah. That's the extra stipulation. True. Good luck, Anja. Yeah. And you're just going to have to get yourself in pretty quickly.

Short notice. And today, the secret ingredient for Chloe Petz is Harry pork scratching. Harry pork scratchings, of course. We talk about these on a future episode that's coming up with a mystery guest at Christmas. Yes. But it's really put us in mind of a Harry pork scratching. And minded us how much. And look, pork scratchings in general, I like, I want loads of them.

Yeah. I don't like the soft ones. Yeah. I hate the ones with hairs on them. Yeah. No, thank you. Always reminds me of the Alan Partridge line as well. Yeah.

I like the crackling. Think about that a lot. Yeah. So that's nice. At least you get to be reminded of some nice comedy you enjoy. Yeah, sure. But it's disgusting, isn't it? It's disgusting.

So if Chloe Petz does say pork scratchings, we will have to ask the follow-up question with a hair. Because I imagine Chloe won't specify with a hair, won't it? Yes. She's got a hair on it. We'll ask it. If she says yes. Sorry.

Bye-bye. Tata. Tata from the tour. Tata from the tour. You're not doing the tour anymore. And you have to return all the money you made from the tour. Oh, is that part of the rule as well? Yep.

If you get kicked off the tour, you have to return all the money that you made from the tour. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be tricky because Chloe spent it all on clothes on the day of the gigs. Straight away. Yeah. Well, I'm very much looking forward to this episode. I'll see if there's any kind of in-jokes that come up that I'm not privy to. You won't be part of them.

Good luck. I laugh a lot. I pretend like that. Yeah, you'll be a nice boy. This is the off-menu menu of Chloe Petz. Welcome, Chloe, to the dream restaurant. Hello. Thanks for having me.

You just turned a glass of water upside down. A full glass of water. Jeanie's not even bursting out the lamp today. I already burst out the lamp. To help with the cleanup. With the tea towel. With great joy. My one wish is for a tea towel.

Well, I will explain what happened in my brain there. I walked in. I saw that you had two full glasses of water. I assumed that Benito would come in. The water would turn. Because this is a dream restaurant. I thought the glasses would be turned upside down. A waste would come over.

Flip the glasses the other way. Pour me a little glass of water. So I just assumed that I had to turn my own glass up the right way, then pour it out. But it turns out it was full. And I just poured it all over the electrical equipment. Literally picked up a full glass of water and upended it onto the table.

Yeah, you just poured it. I mean, a lot to break down in your explanation of what happened in your brain there. You know this is a podcast studio, right? You know... No, we're in a dream restaurant. It's conceptual. It's conceptual.

So you thought there was a glass... an upside down empty glass on the table. The amount of time... I would have to turn that over to put water in it. Yeah. Because that's how see-through the water was. It just looked like there wasn't any.

The amount of time that I've had to sit listening to this bloody podcast, hearing you justify to your guests that James is actually a real genie, I thought I'd come in and I'd buy into the concept. Is that such a crime? Well, okay. So we'll give you that.

You bought into the concept. Even as you walked into the studio, you're like, I'm in a dream restaurant. I'll just do what I would do in a dream restaurant. Why in your dream restaurant are all the glasses upside down and empty as you come in? Doesn't that happen sometimes? Do I dare?

No, no. No. It was a wonderful start. I'm looking at this full glass of water I've got here and trying to even imagine in my head that that's an upside down empty glass. No. And I can't make it happen.

I can't do that. I can't trick my brain. For the listener, it's also the glasses a lot wider at the bottom and then goes narrower at the top. It's not even a straight up and down glass. So you can't even, even if there wasn't a big hole in the top of that,

you couldn't imagine that it was upside down. I'm trying to imagine it. But also, I just loved the, I mean, seeing somebody pick up a full glass of water and just fully upside down it and just dunk. There's all the water all over that. Yeah.

And immediately straight up all the water. Oh no. Complete malfunction. Oh dear. And then block it with your arms. Did you think that that was a good, like create an arm mode? I just put my arm in front of all the electrical equipment

and created sort of a suction, like a vacuum with the table so that it wouldn't go under. Ed got a tea towel. I did absolutely nothing. Yeah. Well, you were loving it. I was laughing. It's a wonderful start.

It's a great start, Chloe. But welcome to the Dream Restaurant. The genie's out. There he is. Hello, genie. Good to see you. You were telling us beforehand that you were sick. Well, yeah.

So I did a half marathon on Sunday. And then I sort of got into, I think I get sort of quite a feast or famine mentality. And I did it when I was a kid where if there was like, you were at a party and there was a buffet. I go hard on the party rings. I do that now. Knees slide across the dance floor.

And then if you're not, if you're not puking up when you get home, you haven't gone hard enough, right? Party ring sec as well. Yeah. But sort of like a base of beige. So there's a lot of cocktail sausages in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes they'll sort of come out full and you'll see them like just bubbling the toilet bath. A very visceral image there. So I sort of did the same thing after the half marathon where, and in my brain I was like, well, I've earned a serious amount of calories here. I've earned a big, I've earned a big roast. I've had full roast, full apple pie and ice cream,

three pints, got home sick to all that. Yeah. There was a cocktail sausage in there. Yeah, something like that. From 1992. Yeah, I mean, look, you went hard on the run. You went equally as hard on the meal, which was potentially the mistake, I guess.

And also, I'm going to say this, Chloe, I didn't say it at the time. I saw the roast dinner that you had. It didn't look very nice. Oh, yeah? No, it was pretty bad. Yeah. From a pub.

If it was from a pub, it was from a green king. Oh, yeah. That was the issue. So it was an organised, it was the Royal Parks Half Marathon. So we had to like book a pub, and the only place that was left was this green king. Yeah. It was, it was a fast from start to finish.

I had to spend about 10 minutes explaining to the young man behind the counter what a breakfast tea was. That was a debacle. Who's this guy? Also, why were you having a breakfast tea? Catherine Bohart was having a breakfast. Right, okay. I was having two guinesses.

Two guinesses and an echo. A spectator at the marathon, or involved? No. Bohart was involved. So Bohart also would run the marathon, and she chose to celebrate with just a breakfast tea. Just a simple breakfast tea. No, she had a, she had fish and chips,

a glass of wine, a prosecco. And a breakfast tea. And a breakfast, and then a breakfast tea. Three drinks. Three drinks, Bohart. That's what we call her. Yeah. I'll tell you what, she was a bloody nightmare.

Yeah. Do you know what her, her attitude, when she turned up on that morning of the half marathon, her attitude stunk. And the way that she motivates herself is to be really negative. Right. Whereas I motivate myself by being really positive. Yes.

You're a very positive person. Yeah. Well, that's a very nice thing for you to say. Now, she gets into that toilet queue, and she starts emceeing it like it's a gig. All the ladies around her, she's having a chat with, and she's telling them how bad we are at running. And I'm thinking, no, we're not.

We've trained very hard. We've done a really good job here. Yeah. So that means that when she's sort of telling women that she and I as a duo are bad at running, that's essentially code for I'm good at running, but my massive friend next to me is thick and fat. And she's going to roll around the royal parks.

I think you've read quite a lot into that. No, no, no. I haven't, because all of these women then flock around me and start giving me a pep talk of how great I'm going to be at the run. Right. And I'm standing there going, yeah, I know. I'm going to be, I'm so fast, I'm going to create a little tornado. There's going to be a severe weather event in the royal bar of time

of our environment, because I've been running so fast. In the meantime, you're squirting your water bottle all over your shoes because you're trying to drink out the wrong end. Yeah. Just squeezing it. Anyway, then around mile two, suddenly her attitude is wonderful. And I was just, she was like, we can do this. I was like, yeah, I've been saying this.

So now you're the negative Nancy. Yeah. She's transferred it over to you. So mile two. Oh, we're doing really well. Oh, I fucking know we're doing well. Yeah, I've been saying it. Yeah.

Did you run together for the whole thing? Yeah. She had to stop for a wee at one point and I was like, I'm so sorry. If I stop now, then I won't start again. So I just sort of trotted on and then she caught up with me. Nice. Around nine miles, I physically hit,

like they talk about hitting the wall, like it's like your brain hits a wall. And I felt so profoundly depressed and existential. And then I just had a little electrolyte tablet. I was like, oh. Yeah, I know. I thought you'd do well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Powered on three to 13.1. Held hands across the finish lines, sprinting it. With Catherine. Just around the man. One of the ladies had been giving me a pet tour. Yeah, yeah, giant chicken. And then you ate half a chicken. I'm a vegetarian.

Yeah, but you put a picture of yourself online eating half a chicken afterwards. A vegan half chicken. A vegan half chicken. Well, they've done, tell you what they've done, wonders with the way they make them look. They didn't need to do the bones,

but they did the bones. But, okay. So ethically, I'm a vegetarian. Yes. You know, I'll back you on that. Look, for those who don't know, Chloe supports me on tour. And I'd say 99.8% of the time, vegetarian.

That's a very kind percentage. Imagine if like, while you're on stage, I was just secret in a whole brisket. Yeah. That is something I would do. It does stink of a barbecue restaurant. Barbecue sauce around my mouth. No, so ethically, I'm a vegetarian.

And look, I think it makes me an absolutely wonderful person that I love me. I love me. I just think it's so fantastic. Yes. But I just think the sort of meat that I was eating was very bad for the climate. Yeah.

So that's why I choose not to eat me. Chicken's fine. Yeah, that's the rule. Chicken's not as bad as... But then we watched Chicken Run the other week, and now I just felt like I was eating Jane Horrocks. Yeah. That's one of the most hard-hitting Netflix documentaries

about the climate and meeting. You can watch Chicken Run. Yeah, fuck Simon Amstel's bullshit. Chicken Run. Chicken Run is the one. Yeah, that made me check. Watch Chicken Run. Go vegan.

She doesn't want to be a pie. She doesn't even like gravy. So we always start with still a spark in water. Well, I'm a recent convert to the sparkling. Really? Take us on that journey. Yeah. Well, I think it was just...

I spent maybe my whole life into my early 20s thinking about going for a meal was about where can you save the money. Right. And you can always save the money on the water. You ask for a tap water. Straight away, you're in. You're saving money.

Day dot, you're in. Tap water. Tap water in the kids menu, please. You used to shout tap water to Ching, didn't you? Yeah. You've been in a restaurant with men. So yeah, and then I sort of realised that sparkling was an option

when you're an adult that's in charge of your own money. And I just think it's the most luxurious drink you could possibly drink because you don't need it. Yeah. Interesting. So yeah, some people talk about the taste and that it feels luxurious because it's bubbly, but you're literally saying it's luxurious

because it's an added extra that no one possibly needs. Absolutely not. Like it's doing exactly the same function as a water. I will say that it's absolutely glorious on a hangover. I don't know what it's about those bubbles, but it really sorts you out. And yeah, I don't know. I've really come to...

Can you hear James' stomach now? Yeah, I can hear it. It's absolutely crazy what you're saying. Hungry? It's like a haunted house door. Hungry or two-fault? Hungry. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens to one of us at least once in a recording day. Yes, going mad. What I will say is I've got a protein ball in my rucksack. Would you like one? No. OK. But thank you, though.

I've had a protein ball before, so I don't want to have my first one. I don't know what it would do to me. What? I don't know what it would do. What do you mean you don't know what it would do? It feels a bit risky. Sorry, she's not offering you MDMA. It feels like it.

James, would you like half a pill? That's not your stomach gurgling. Would you like sparkling water because you can tell it's in the glass? What's happened there is we've started taking a piss out of James and he's tried to get status back by coming back to the fact that I poured a full glass of water over Benito's laptop. Try to succeed. Yeah.

To be honest, that's absolutely James at his best. I did it. Backs into a corner, comes out fighting. Little scrappy boys. Little scrappy boys. Done well there. I don't want to get pushed into doing a power ball or whatever it was. A power ball?

A power ball. Oh, a power ball. Not a power ball. You didn't think Chloe was offering you a power ball to stop your stomach gurgling? No, about the man in the mustard seed. Two shepherds. Yeah. But are you hungover for your dream meal?

No, no, no, no, no. There's actually quite, I have quite a lot of stipulations of how I would like the drink. So I thought about this in some depth. What I would like is a real menu and a sort of ghost menu. And the ghost menu is the menu that is my true self. And then the real menu is the menu that will stop my girlfriend from leaving me. And the ghost menu I would say is sort of the ghost part is like the ghost of all of the animals that I will be eating. Right.

So if I'm allowed to have those running concurrently, then I would be really happy. We'd love to hear the the girlfriend menu and the ghost menu separately. I'm confused at which one is which though. Girlfriend is real menu. But then the ghost menu is what I want really. So that makes me think that's real. That's the real menu. Because that's what you want.

And then the girlfriend menu is the fake menu. Yeah. That's pretty existential. But the ghosts relate to the ghosts of the animals that are on the menu. Yeah. Yes. But also I would happily either of these menus. Yeah.

Like very happily. Well, I'd love to hear both as we go along. Absolutely. And am I allowed in the dream restaurant? You know how much I love competitive eaters, right? Yeah. Oh my God. I'd actually obsessed.

Actually obsessed. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite is Randy Santel. Chloe sent us a picture to the tour WhatsApp group once with a random fat man. I'll say it. And when it was like, like no context. And me and our tour manager, Paul had to be like, sorry, Chloe.

Why have you sent us this picture? She's like, it's Randy Santel. I've just met Randy Santel. One of the best competitive eaters going. Yeah. He's absolutely great. And I would say like in this line of work, you have to. Get used to meeting very famous people and not, not like behaving like a weirdo.

Like not getting to starstruck. But I would say that the people that I get starstruck around our competitive eaters or sports journalists. So if Barry Glendenin was walking that door right now, I would be all of a flutter. Yeah. Randy Santel. Where was the three of us would be like, who the fuck are you?

Get the fuck out of us. Yeah. Yeah. Unless you're here to clean the table, get the fuck out of here. I would basically like to have the stomach capacity of a competitive eater. Yeah. Less menu. Okay.

Well, that's fine. But you're not going to eat at the sort of speed of a competitive eater, right? Because it is gross watching those guys eat. No, it won't be speed. It will be volume. You won't be dipping things in water to get them down easier. How do you watch that? Because like every time they dunk a hot dog in water, it makes me want to be sick.

Yeah. How are you watching that? So that's like the sort of competitive side of the competitive eating, where they're competing against each other. You just watch them have normal meals. Whereas I watch them sort of in their training, I would guess. So they'll go around to different like restaurants and cafes and stuff that will have their own challenges.

Like belly buster breakfast or something. Yeah. But Mr. Big's Beast breakfast. Mr. Big's Beast belly buster breakfast. Yeah. Big pizza time. Something like that. Yeah.

Sorry. I forgot. I didn't need another example. So thank you. Yeah. And then they'll sort of eat it for them sort of quite a leisurely pace. But they'll still be doing it within within the half an hour. Yeah.

They'll be on the wall. Obviously they'll get put on the wall and win the t-shirt. So that's what I watch. And I think fundamentally it is disgusting, but my brain is able to like, because I'm not the one experiencing the reality of like having that much food within me. I can just be like, oh, a selection of delicious foods that I would love to be eating right now. It's sort of an intellectual enjoyment. I have gone through periods of watching stuff like that.

There's a guy called Eric the Electric. I love Eric the Electric. Who will eat just like he'll go and buy like a hundred thousand calories worth of food and just eat it in a whole day. But he does like Iron Man. Yeah. He cycles. He goes for like 25 mile cycle in the morning and then comes back and eats, you know, eight boxes of cereal.

A little like me and my half marathon. Yeah. But he probably doesn't chuck it all up. No. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, there's not those YouTube videos of Eric the Electric. Absolutely hurling. Pop Lumps Off Bread.

Pop Lumps Off Bread, Chloe Pets. Pop Lumps Off Bread. God, I vowed that it wouldn't take me by surprise, but it did. It feels like I'm being heckled at an Ed Gamble gig. Have you been heckled at supporting Ed before? No, actually. They've been nice this tour. No, nothing.

Nothing malicious. No, they're a nice bunch, actually. You'd recommend supporting Ed Gamble on tour to other comedians? To anyone. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly to anyone. But you wouldn't do that because then that would mean you...

I wouldn't have the work. ...punting the job out there. Yeah. Shit, I hate it. They're shouting Pop Lumps Off Bread at me every night I'm saying. That's not even his. That's not even Ed's. Yeah, exactly.

He's never said it. He's never said it. He's a silly little friend's catchphrase. Yeah, I don't agree with it. I think it's stupid. Stupid questions to ask people. It doesn't make any sense. There are many things that I was told early tours would not make sense in the podcast

and they've stuck and bad luck. Bad luck, Ed, I guess. Yeah. For the rest of his life. For the rest of his life. Yeah. Is that how long are you going to do there? Yeah.

This is my pension, mate. You've seen the tour receipts? For me, it's bread. If I was having a lovely curry, of course, Pop Lumps, but I'm not. For this, I'd really need the infinite sort of capacity of belly to be available to me. So you don't ruin yourself on bread? Yeah, because I will be pinging it back, if I'm honest. And like, you know, they bring out pats of butter.

Keep them coming. Yeah, yeah. I'm not even spreading. I'm just going to pop one pat on a piece of bread and on to the next. Just arrange them all like that. The pats. Yeah, a little pat. How many pats per slice?

Chloe pats. Pats per slice, one. I'm not crazy. Oh, I thought you were talking about like not spreading. I thought you were talking about like. Arranging them. Putting the pat on and then next to it, another pat. And then another pat.

And then just doing that across the full slice. Yeah, that's an option available to me. If you've got infinite pats, then you go for it, right? Infinite pats. Yeah, yeah. And I honestly think we're in a golden age of bread in London. I really do. I think it's sort of like the bread renaissance.

Yeah. Where you go to Popham's, Jolie, other places. I would have loved to have done rule of three there, but I just didn't have it in me. Those are your favorite two? Those are my favorite two. Popham's number one? Popham's number one, for sure.

But also I went to this place where they did, I can't remember the name of it, where they did amazing Guinness bread. Oh, yeah. And it was just like the perfect blend of like dark and fluffy and like crispy on the outside. I agree. Golden age of bread in London.

Yeah. That's the exact sort of thing I would say. I'm well up for that as a phrase. I'm going to start using that. So is there, for your two different menus, is the bread course the same? Oh, yeah. Because we've got to do the ghost bread.

Ghost bread. And we've got to do real bread. Because I feel like there shouldn't be a distinction bread-wise between the menu to stop your girlfriend leaving you and the ghost menu, right? Bread. Bread's the same. Yeah.

You've intubated correctly there. So that would say the same. Packs of butter on the Guinness bread. So we're having a little platter of breads. Is it going to be a bit of bread from Popham's, bit of bread from Jolene? Yeah. Bit of bread from the Mysterious Guinness bread restaurant.

Yeah. Preferably like maybe a sour though. I'm so partial to focaccia. Yeah. Yeah. Just a bread, you don't need to dip it in oil. The oil's inbuilt. Soaked in.

Wonderful. Really wonderful. I love a focaccia sandwich. I just think. Yeah. Oh, my God. Something's just happened. Like if you have a focaccia sandwich.

Yeah. And it's got something a bit saucy in it. And then the sauce goes into the sponginess of the bread. Yeah. But it will never go out of the bottom because the oily crust catches it. Yeah. There's a lot of oil in focaccia.

You know how they discovered that, how they made that? No. It was originally not an oil-based thing. There was a big bottle of oil next to it. And someone thought the bottle was upside down, so they just flipped it. Oh, yes. It absolutely drew us all in there.

We all got drawn into that. Even I was like, it's got a little fucked about focaccia here. But it wasn't. It was another slab because you dumped water all over the desk. Tell me what the food is that will get me chucked out of this fucking restaurant, I'm saying it. You know, when someone pushes the king over in chess, I'm doing that.

I'm walking. He flipped the king upside down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Water comes out of the bottom. Yeah, I fucking get the joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Poor bottle king. So your dream starter.

Are we going on two different menus now? Yeah, we're going on to the two different menus. Yeah. By the way, I think Chloe is one of my most excited-looking guests to get stuck into the menu. Oh, yeah. Well, when I saw you, I think, live and in real time, remember a focaccia sandwich.

I've never seen someone so excited on this podcast. It was like I came a little pat of butter. Yeah, yeah, it was lovely. I think we go for the vegetarian one first, because I think that's the girlfriend menu. The girlfriend menu. It's not necessarily completely vegetarian as well. There will be.

But your girlfriend won't leave you for whatever's on this menu. She won't. She's not going. So I'm opening with bruschetta. Great. Bread. More bread. Which is why I need more bread.

More bread please. Infinite bread please. Sorry. Occasionally, we will slip into doing that voice. Now, what's that voice? That's a voice we exclusively talk to each other like on tour. OK. Because I didn't know what was going on there.

That's what happens. Didn't like it. It's normally what will happen is we'll pull up. Me and my tour manager will pull up at the tube stop where we pick Chloe up from. I went down the window and go, hello. And Chloe goes, hello. It gets me back in the car.

And then we don't stop talking like that for the rest of the leg. And your tour manager deals well with that? Yeah. He joins in. Yeah, he joins in. We call him Linda. Yeah, Linda. Because he likes to eat her pills.

Yeah. The other day, he said, his announcement when I got into the car was, first thing, not even how are you? The other day, I did panic and I went for dinner at Alasigwana's. And by himself. By himself. Yeah. He had fajitas, which just every detail just feels more tragic.

Yeah. And he has like such a sort of low embarrassment threshold. So he just sort of goes bright red at even recalling the notion of eating fajitas. His ears went a bit red. Yeah. Because everyone spotted him. Quite an attention grabbing food. Yeah, they are sizzling and the noise.

You don't order that on your own. That guy's by himself. So it's like the mill's going, this guy's by himself. Crying onto the hot plate. Oh, Paul, Paul. Every time he gets mentioned on this is in the negative food context. Yeah. And then he gets all his friends texting him going,

what do you mean you've never had a prawn? Yeah. He's not very adventurous. Is he? He just loves an omelet. He just loves an omelet. He loves an omelet. He loves an omelet.

Well, what was I saying? Bruchetta. Oh, bruchetta. Bruchetta on the girlfriend menu. So I actually, this is pretty similar to everything that I ate at Putea, this place in Ortigia, in Sicily. And I'm sort of worried that I'm not that well travelled. So I haven't like eaten in very many different places.

And I'm kind of worried that I've like got to the first good place and been like, this is the best thing. And there's like a whole world out there. That's fine. You know what you know, right? It's valid. Yeah. And I found this just so amazing.

But what I would say is they're bruchetta. They had like this amazing fish bruchetta, which was great. But what I would take is their bruchetta and just elevate some. So I would just have like a really amazing, like fresh bread that's again, got that crispy outside, but it's like sort of soft and spongy in the middle, not Hotel Devan cake bread, which is my favourite shit bread. Okay. Yeah.

Clothes obsessed with the bread at Hotel Devan. Because it's got such high sugar content that it just tastes like cake. So bruchetta with... Just tomato. Is it tomato and is there onion on it? No, not onion. Just the tomato. Just like really fresh tomatoes that have been like recently warmed by the sun.

Oh yeah. Because you just pop a tomato in the sun and for 20 minutes immediately like is elevated to the next level. Yeah. You don't want fridge old tomatoes, do you? Flaky salt. Flaky salt. Pepper.

I'm not bound to the idea of basil. That's a deal breaker for me with a bruchetta. Yeah. I want some basil. I want some fresh basil. Yeah. I want a bit of the green on there. Yeah.

But what I'd do is I'd eat all the basil in the first half of the bruchetta and then just be freewheeling after that. Why would you do that? Get the green out of the way. Oh, so you do that. Even if it's tasty green. Get the green out of the way. You've got to get the green out of the way.

You've seen me eat a Nando. Just net that broccoli and then go into my burger. You've got to net the brock actually. Yeah. It's got better the brock at Nando. It's good. The brock at Nando's is good. It used to be a bit too perfumed for my liking.

I didn't know why. It tasted like it had perfume on it. Like a sort of Christian deal. Yeah. And I was like, what's this? What's all they put on this brock that's making it taste like that? But now it's a lot nicer. It's good.

It's garlicky. It's tasty. They cook it well. I regularly go double brock. Wow. Double. I go brock and the grains, the butternut squash. Oh, yeah.

I do. I do that sometimes as well. I've overdone it on that. I just can't anymore. I've started on the sweet corn recently. Wonderful. Yeah. Little pat a butter.

Rub it all over. Of course. Massage. So we've got bruschetta on the girlfriend menu. Yeah. What's this other menu? What's on the ghost menu? Full fry up.

It's clearly more exciting about one than the other. Yeah. Full fry up. I just want like a never ending carousel of meat. Like, you know, like yo sushi. Yeah. I want that, but with like a full cow on it. Yeah.

Fucking hell. Like all the different parts or just one full cow on the yo sushi belt. Yeah. So it's going to be a meaty menu. It's going to be full meat. And I also in the dream restaurant, I would like there to be no ethical implications of the meat. Okay.

They're imaginary animals. Yeah. It's no harm in the world. Maybe they're like really evil animals that deserve today. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. So like dictator sort of dictators or.

Yeah. Like a. Like if it was, if you're having, I don't know if lion is on your menu, but it would be scar. Yeah. You're doing scar. Yeah. Like chairman cow.

That's what. Chairman cow. There you go. What's the starter though? Oh, a big fryer. A full fryer. Full fryer. So the cow on the conveyor belt is for later.

No. I'm getting this. I'm getting the light. Oh, I'm not getting anything for the fryer part of him. A pig as well. He'll have a pig friend who's, you know, the Himmler to his Hitler, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'll be getting meat out of them and then I'll have like it. Maybe it'll be like a mini fryer because it's a starter. Sure. And it will be some scrambled eggs and beans. Not in a ramekin. Yeah. Sausage, bacon, hash browns, maybe a tatty's gone. Mushrooms, tomato.

Not because I want it, but just like I eat it and then feel like the rest of the fryer is a reward. Yeah. Yeah. Out in the sun for a bit this morning. Yeah. Cooked by the sun. Yeah.

Difficult to keep this mini, I'd say. Starter size because you've got a lot of elements on there. I guess it's all relative. So if your main course is like even more ginormous, this is the starter. So whole cow. Yeah. Fried bread. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I love fried bread. Yeah. Good stuff. Yeah. And not always on a fry up these days. It's nice to see it on there.

Any other elements on a fry up? Black pudding. Oh, black pudding. Yeah. Oh, I'm white pudding. But I'm not having much more than that. Fried mushroom. And that's about it for me, I'd say.

It's all fried. Yeah. It is all fried. I would have scrambled egg each time. I like scrambled eggs. Well then are you willing to live with the fact every other ingredient has to be scrambled? Yeah. Scrambled breakfast for me please.

Absolutely. Scrambled bacon. Scrambled sausage. Scrambled bacon. Scrambled sausage. Oh, sounds great. That should be quite nice. I guess you're basically then chopping everything up really fine and sort of.

It would all be in one big hash really. Yeah. One big hash. Yeah. Big hash brekkie. Big hash. I mean hash brownie is my favourite part of a fried breakfast. So if it was all hash, I'm delighted.

So, I mean this is a great idea for a starter. Thank you. You're really getting in a lot of fantastic elements early doors. Yeah. And I think because it's breakfast, that's the start of the day. Yes. Oh, that's really profound. Thank you.

So you're almost taking us through a full day in one meal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I hadn't even thought of that. Let's move on to your main course. The main on the girl from Real Menu. Yeah. Is this dish from Aputea in Sicily.

Yeah. Which I think is one of the best things I've ever eaten. And I went back for it three times over the course of the holiday. And it was... And everyone else go into this place? Just you? Yeah. Just me in there with my bowl of pasta.

But what's good is that I was on holiday with like lots of very small women. I had both my pasta and then half of their pasta to finish as well. How small are we talking? The women. Yeah. Borrower. Borrower size. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's cheaper to get an Airbnb that way. Yeah. As they can all sleep in the kitchen drawers and stuff. You sleep in the forks. They make me my little mini-fryer. Yeah. The second B stands for.

Because you don't actually get breakfast at... Everyone complains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Airbnb. You get the bed, but not for the breakfast. Air bed and borrower. Yeah, yeah. Air bed and borrower.

Anyway, so yeah, I had so much of this pasta. It was amazing. And oh yeah, that was the day that I took them all back. Because my friends met up with us the second half of the holiday and I was like, you've got to come back to this restaurant. I absolutely love it. It's the best thing I've eaten while I'm here. And then I ate all of my pasta and then probably half another portion of pasta.

And then I went to try and get ice cream. And I wanted Nutella ice cream, but I didn't understand the Italian language. And it was Nutella freida, which basically just means cold Nutella. So they just gave me a pot of frozen Nutella. That's on a menu. That was at a separate place. So then I obviously ate that and then I had to lie down for three hours. I'm sick.

But anyway, this pasta, you'll understand why I was sick because it was so rich. And it was just like this amazing pasta. I'm not sure the shape is basically like kind of a bit squiggly. Okay. Yeah. I know this squiggles really pasta about an inch long. Really pasta about an inch long. Yeah.

Cooked like perfectly sort of al dente with a pistachio pesto, which is like a Sicilian specialty. They grow a lot of pistachio with cream and shrimp. Oh my God. So tiny little shrimps. And it sort of decreased the amount of shrimp that I got decreased the three times I was there. Because I saw you coming.

The chef was like, hide the shrimp. She's in again. The massive one's in again. She's going to eat it anyway. Take all the shrimp out. She's just had a pot and Nutella, but she's here for more. We've had her being sick. She's ready to go again.

She's brought the tiny women and the borrower sticking out a top pocket. She's going to order two portions and pretend one's for the borrower. I love that. I love the idea of the pistachio pesto. Yeah. I've never had that. Me neither. You can imagine the crunch of the pistachio.

So good. Yeah. But we bought some and then just like had a little lick of it. It definitely needs to be like diluted by something. Please, Chloe, don't just start having everything out of jars. If all your food is just pesto, Nutella. Yeah. Give me a jar and I'll just eat that.

Get the jar in the freezer and then I'll crack it away with that. Have the pasta. Don't just eat it out of the jar. Yeah. The cream is what I mean. It does sound so rich. It's so rich. How big is the bowl?

Is it a massive portion? You look at it and go, I could do two of them. And then you're through one and go, I can only do half of my mates. Yeah. It's one of those situations. Yeah. It's huge though. And yeah, on that first day, like the amount of shrimp just kept coming.

It was so good. Yeah. That does sound delicious. So look, we need to hear the ghost menu, but I'm very on board with the girlfriend menu. So far, I'd have that menu. Yeah. Interesting. I mean, I think in terms of just dream and there's no sort of capacity to the stomach.

I'd probably have a fry up to start. Let's see if the main course swings you. So the main course of the ghost menu is all of the barbecue food you could possibly imagine. You definitely got head on board though. Yeah. I mean, this was very close to my main on my dream menu episode 100. So talk us through it, Chloe, please. Big brisket.

All of my Instagram rules, the algorithm alternates between a man cutting a brisket and then Harry Styles doing a concert. Yeah. Imagine, what would you do if Harry Styles cut some brisket? Come everywhere. Don't cut that. I was cutting it. I can't.

Yeah. Anyway, brisket, ribs, pork and beef. Yeah. You've got to double up on the ribs. Burn ends. Oh, yeah. Turkey. Again, it's the tomato.

I'm eating it quick just to think. Yeah. Got a bit of healthy white meat. Turkey's the smart of the meat. Yeah. Is it like a big turkey leg breast? No, it's like sliced breast. Yeah.

That has been really slow cooked and it's like... Juicy. Yeah, extraordinarily juicy. How have they made a turkey leg breast? You can see the smoke. It's the smoke running around the outside of it. Oh, my God. I feel like I've got a real food empathy thing where you can even describe food and I feel

so satisfied. Yeah. And I think that's why I watch Mike Chen, the YouTuber. Love Mike Chen. I don't know this guy. He's just this guy that goes round just eating delicious food and reviewing it and he's so positive. What's the name of his YouTube channel again?

Strictly Dumpling. Strictly Dumpling. Right. It's really good and I just love how enthusiastic he is about the food. He can eat that guy. Yeah. He does a lot of buffets as well. We talk about buffets a lot on tour as well.

I saw something happen there. Yeah. We mentioned buffets as a bit of... Yeah, we both went somewhere. Yeah. It feels a little like, I don't know, a little illicit when I'm like... When you describe a turkey leg to me in intense detail. Because it feels like I'm getting off on it and like I haven't asked for your consent

to like get involved in that fantasy for me. Yeah. I mean, you've already said the thing about Harry Styles cutting a brisket. He said you'd come everywhere. So, I think I think we knew what was going on. A nice sort of mustard sauce. I'd come just for my little piece of beefy. That's very nice.

Thank you. So, that's... You've got turkey, ribs, beef and pork. Big tray of meaty. Big tray of meaty brisket. Any little barbecue sides? Well, that would be my sides for the... Oh, OK.

Right. OK. We'll move on. Where's the best barbecue place you've been before we move on? So, I'm not... I haven't really eaten that much barbecue. Because I gained this obsession after I became vegetarian. And I have like enough memories of that sort of meat to know how much I love it.

Anything essentially like slow cooked beef particularly is just my ideal thing. Although, having said that, are we allowed to talk about your meat amnesty? Yeah, my constant meat amnesty. No, when we were doing a gig and there was a barbecue restaurant around the corner and we don't normally eat heavily before gigs, we went around there. Chloe had a meat amnesty and she felt horribly sick for the rest of the day. All of my stories ended me just feeling sick. My best days are like, and then I chucked up.

I do regret though, because you had the beef rib and I got the brisket. Yeah. I think I should have got the rib. Yeah. It was good. It was nice. I think beef brisket though is safe bet. Every barbecue place is going to be good. Beef rib.

Some places, that's the best thing on the menu. Some places, if they don't do it well, you get it. Why don't I just play it safe? I massively disagree. Fair enough. Certainly about the brisket. I think that is an art. I think you're actually, you're not going to find many places in the whole of the UK

that does actually good brisket. Yeah, in the UK. Yeah. Bit harder. But yeah, I guess if you're in like Texas, etc. Pick and Lodge. Shout out to Pick and Lodge, Dallas. Is that the best place?

I was in Dallas for three days. I went there for two of the days. Oh, sick. It was good. I think that's like my bucket list of proper meat amnesty, go to Texas. Have proper barbecue. You'd be sick. You'd be sick every day.

I'd be so sick. And I'd love it. Yeah. This is the best. Yeah. Back we go. Sometimes on the Instagram reel, they'll just like put a brisket down and then just let it jiggle like a lady's bum.

And it's just so hot. Oh, man. I just love it. Like a lady's bum. Like a lady's bum. Oh, it's so good. Yeah, that's what I'd have. I guess sometimes they have a really nice sausage.

Yes. I'd love a... You have had a sausage in the starter though. I will say that. Yeah, I'm double sausage in. Okay. You double sausage away. I'm going to have one of those like jalapeno and cheddar.

Oh, yeah. Sausages that like snap. Like with an amazing snap. Snap. Yeah. Definitely have one of them. Yeah. And just let it jiggle like a man's dick.

Yeah. Literally in my head of... Yeah. I was right in it in my head. When I said, I'm going to say, I watch YouTube videos, when they lay a sausage down and they slap it and it jiggles like a man's... Oh, you see?

You see? Dream side dishes. Now, this is on the real menu and I'm doing this because... Not because it's like my dream side dish, but because I think it really complements what else is going on. So I'd have a salad, but like something with like a real crunch to it to like...

Because the pasta's quite... It is al dente, but it's... There's a bit of a slop element to it, right? Sure. So I think... And also it's the same texture the whole time, right, with a bowl of pasta. You need something to break it up with.

You want to break it up. So I love like fennel. Ooh. Oh, no. Oh, no. You've really hit on something here. Oh, no. It's not the secret ingredient, don't worry.

Oh, fucking hell. It has been in the past. I was about to tip the bottom of the glass again. The secret ingredient. This was like an early one. This was very early dorsi. I'm going to feel very passionate about how much I don't like fennel. Although...

Look, I'll hold my hands up. The two things I hate the most, pomegranate seeds and fennel, I have it. If they're ever in a dish, I will just eat them. Yeah. I don't make a fuss,

but I'd rather... They didn't exist. But you're... But texturally... I think it's... That's the best thing that's to... That's to scratch that edge that you need with a pasta. Yeah.

Fennel's up there. And I think it's got like... Like a real like satisfying... Aniseed-y taste. No, no, no, no. Do you not like aniseed at all? I don't. See, I don't either,

but I think raw fennel does have... It's only a background note. That's the thing. Yeah. It's the only acceptable aniseed note that I will ever... Detect it in anything. I'm always like, there's got fennel.

You're like a shark, aren't you? With aniseed instead of blood. Just got fennel then. Yeah. Straight away. Fennel. Fennel. Miles away.

What else do you want in this salad then? Well, I don't know if this is like technically right, like a complimentary favour, like maybe some kind of like fruit, like orange. That's a big combo. Yeah, fennel and orange.

I've had that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. And then what herb would go with that? Fennel tops, like I see that quite a lot. You know the sort of like spiny little top of a fennel.

Yeah. I've seen that go with it. Or maybe a bit of dill. A bit of dill. I don't like orange in salad, see, but this is awful. This is... This is ruining the girlfriend menu for you.

I was really... Is it that much of a deal breaker? Yeah. I was fully girlfriend menu all the way, even though I liked the things on the other menu, but I was like, no, no, this girlfriend menu sounds delicious. Then you get to this abomination of a salad

where you got fennel and fucking oranges in a salad together. It's a proper girlfriend menu thing though. Oh, we'll just get salad on the side. Blue salad on the side. Should we just get it on the side? Yeah. And then you look really like sophisticated

and also like not too greedy. Pour in my sparkling water out of the floor. Should we just get a little fennel salad on the side? Apple in the salad with fennel. But this is the thing. I think it's quite like what the salad needs is crunch and then a bit of sweet and acidity. So look, you sub in whatever you want there, baby boy.

That is on you, okay? In my head, I'll imagine. So it doesn't have to be fennel and orange, but it has to be crunchy, sweet, acidic. I'm going to leave that with you, all right? The first thing I'm doing is sub in the orange for the apple. And I'm figuring out what is going in place of the fennel. That's crunch and sweet, you see.

So you've got some acid to play with. Yeah. But you need a bit of vinegar in there, right? Just a bottle of vinegar and some apple. Bite an apple, swig the vinegar, lovely job. Yeah, really nice. So you do you on that. I'd happily have this salad.

Thank you. But I'm mainly on board with the ghost menu. So I'm looking forward to hearing what the ghost sides are. Yeah, I want to hear these barbecue sides. Very conventional barbecue fare. Cornbread, macaroni, cheese. What is it? Collard greens.

Collard greens. All of the rest. Baked beans. And we've heard what you think about baked beans already. So you don't want the barbecue baked beans. What are the other ones? So cornbread, mac and cheese. Yeah.

Collard greens. I mean, they're the. Hush puppies. They're the big ones. Texas toast. Yeah, that's just toast, isn't it? Just thick toast. Like garlic eat.

Right. It's like garlic bread. You could have sweet potatoes or yams or something like that. Not super interesting in that, but maybe you'd need it to sort of break up the sweet to break up. What's grits? Would you have grits? I don't think you'd have it with barbecue,

but it's from that part of the world, isn't it? Grits you'd have with like shrimp or something. I've had a barbecue place once that was doing frickles. Frickles. You've got to have frickles. A fried pickle. Yes. It's like I've just done a riddle.

God, I love a frickle. Yeah. I'd have a frickle because imagine, oh yeah, just a bit of that like really tender beef rib and then a little frickle chaser. Wow, it's sorting you right out, isn't it? How are you doing the frickles as well? Because I've had frickles before where they just like,

it's the full pickle, just deep fried, or they cut it into like chips. Tiny chips. Or they've liced them like, you know, down way. Like gherkins. Little coins. Yeah, that's what I wanted. A disc of frickle.

Yeah, they are the best. Because what you want is like the maximum amount of surface area to be covered in fried. Exactly. And you can pop those in your mouth one at a time. Like a sweet tip. With the long strips, you're biting down, you're seeing it's hot because all the steam's coming out

and it's a wet pickle. So when you throw it, it really is boiling. Yeah, that's lava. Yeah, so much better just knock the thin slices back. And I think I might want something a little crunchy, like just a little pot of celery or something. A coleslaw? Yeah, I'll take a coleslaw.

Yeah, really nice. A really nice like. Vinegar based or mayo based? I think usually I'd go mayo based. Yeah. Any day of the week for my coleslaw. But on this occasion, I think vinegar based. Again, just a cut across the meat, the rich meat.

Yeah. But I like those sides a lot. Yeah. I'd probably hop over to that menu for the sides. You're welcome to. Come join. Dream drink. Dream drink the same for both meals?

Yeah, I think so. So again, like the way that I'd be doing this meal is very specific. So it would sit in the like hinterland between lunch and dinner. Right. That's where it's in. And the day before that is all building up to this big meal. Yeah. And I think I am going to be in Italy.

Yeah. And the best like setting of meal I've ever had was when I was 18, I just went to Italy for a month and like nanny this little girl. And they lived in Horusia and they all had these amazing houses with loads of land on them. And they'd go around like the mum and dad would sort of go around the friends most evenings and just like have a meal on these amazing houses just outside on this amazing land.

And as they all spoke Italian, it was quite good for me because I couldn't understand anything that I was saying. So I could just really focus on the talk in front of me, which was eating as much food as I possibly could and then being sick. So the setting would definitely be Italy, but it would be with my friends, but friends that are happy for me, like not to talk when I just need to focus on the food. But the morning would be I'd have like a sort of breakfast

just to sort of fill me up a little bit, go for a long run, which is sort of like life's tomato. Right. It's the thing that I need to get out of the way so I get the reward at the end of it. So basically I'm just like spending my whole day just like edging myself was this massive meal. Right. So I'm going on this huge run.

And then I might not have lunch, but I might have some like little crispies. Yeah. Just to get really excited. Yeah. Get the tangles going. Get the tangles going. Make sure I'm full enough that I don't get sick before the meal. Yeah.

And then this is all. I mean, it all sticks with the edging thing. Oh yeah. It's really good. Yeah. That's not forget to use that phrase. Just teasing myself. I know we didn't comment on it, but we all did.

We all registered it. I think I voted down. Yeah. Yeah. Food edging. Edging. Sounds dirtier than edging does. Yeah.

But I think what you need to understand is that everything that I've described to you is an erotic experience. Yeah. Remember the brisket by the ladies bottom? Yeah. You came on a focaccia earlier. I know it wasn't a focaccia. It was because of how he styles.

If it came on a focaccia, it wouldn't fall out the bottom at least. It's really good. So you're fetching. So I'm fetching and I'm really hungry. And then what I do is I get myself a pint of delicious pale ale. I drink it on a semi-empty stomach. So by the time I'm ready to sit down and eat this meal, I'm a little bit tipsy. You've got a buzz on.

I've got a buzz on. And it's like eating drunk food. Yeah. Drunk food is your favourite food? Just tipsy food. Yeah. If you're a little bit tipsy. Yeah, yeah.

Over the first lockdown, I'd sit down, 5.15, have a pint with Pointless. Right? Pointless wasn't pintless with you, was it? Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you. I popped myself. You're really, really doing quite well.

Did you pop your hand out for a high five there? No, no. I adjusted towards him so that you would appreciate the master. Pointless wasn't pintless. Pointless wasn't pintless. Both of you on fire. That's why he's the headliner. Look and learn.

6.30, because I've had that Pointless pint on an empty stomach. I'm loving dinner, whatever it is. Do you think that's because, so I think for me, if I'm drunk or tipsy and I'm eating, it just takes away that constant voice in my head that is saying you shouldn't be eating this. Yeah. Interesting. So then it's great.

There's no limit of that with me. Adios. Don't listen to you anymore. Now all you enjoy is a whole bar of chocolate only. That's where we part ways. I would be eating a dinner. I wouldn't get drunk and eat a whole bar of chocolate only. Someone's wasting alcohol there.

I think that's a waste of booze. When I'm hungover, I do that. That's why I quite like a hungover meal. We're towards the end of a hungover day where the majority of the hangover is dissipated, but what remains is that absolute raging hunger. And then I'm like, it's pizza time, baby. It's pizza time and I'm putting that all away. One just post it in.

It feels like medicine then. Yeah, really good. Medicine, right? Really good. Well, you see, I don't get the voice while I'm eating. I get the voice immediately after I've eaten going off. Sure. Why did I do that?

Yeah, yeah. But again, that voice isn't there if I'm hammered. That's the thing, innit? Yeah. But I don't know. There's something about the way that my taste buds work when I'm a bit drunk. All of me is feeling a little buzz, so maybe they're just flapping around a bit different being...

They're a bit woozy. Last night, perfect example of it. Went to a concert with James. Yeah. We didn't have time to go for food before. Had a couple of beers at the gig. Went back home. I thought, I'm not going to order a takeaway, because then I'll do real damage.

Just a tiny, tiny little bit tipsy. Made bacon and eggs. It felt good. I'll come in again then. Yeah. It felt good. Bacon and eggs straight to bed. That's really great.

What a night. I got in, opened my fridge, saw the chocker lonely. Said, no, not tonight. Not tonight. Went drunk enough. Went drunk enough, and it was the dark chocker and lemony one that I tried trying out for the first time. Yeah.

And I like it, but I've got to be in the mood. Yeah. So you didn't have dinner? You had a couple of bites like dinner? Yeah. You must be feeling... Have you had breakfast this morning? No.

Oh, my God. James... So the last time you ate was when we had lunch yesterday? Farmer James Finsbury yesterday for lunch. James, you need to eat something nice. Oh, I do. That's why my stomach's going absolutely... Oh, let's fucking hurry up.

Jesus Christ, we've got to get you fed. Yeah, sorry. So dream drink is a pale ale? Pale ale, before, so maybe like 45 minutes before I'm going at that. And I'm reading my book. Do you want to watch Pointless as well? No. No.

I'm not bound to that. Are you feeling about the new sidekicks on Pointless? Absolutely dreadful, really, Pauling. Yeah, really bad. Ruin the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, agreed. Someone's cooking for me.

I'm reading my book. I'm watching the football, maybe. I'm dozing, you know? Just getting really ready for it. Yeah. And then throughout the meal, I'd have a big delicious glass of red wine, but I want to know that any drink is available to me, any alcoholic beverage. So if I want an Aperol spritz, I could have it.

If I want an espresso martini, I could have it. If I want a gin and tonic, I could have it, but primarily I'm going for a lovely glass of red wine. So you are having a red wine, but you need the promise that if suddenly you change your mind, you could have something different? Yeah. Any particular sort of red wine? No, I'd let someone like you who knows about red wine choose it.

You know a little bit. You know a little bit. But like, you know more than I do, and I would trash you to make like a decent decision. Sure. Yeah. It depends. Obviously, I think the red wine would change based on which menu we're going with. Making a toast with your red wine?

Yeah, all right. Making a toast? What were you saying? This is a new format point that James occasionally remembers to bring in. Okay. Well, I've never remembered it every time I bought it in. No. No?

Are you going to raise a toast? Yeah. And I do the toast from that song in Hamilton where they're like, to the bride, to the bride. And then I do the whole performance of Hamilton. Yeah. Edge myself a bit further and then have the meal. But would you do the whole, would you do it from that?

From that point, yeah. It's Hamilton edge in you as well. Yeah. That's what, okay. Yeah. To the revolution. You can make it about your menu. Yeah.

Yeah, really nice. Yeah. Instead. To the brisket. To the brisket. To the brisket. To the brisket. To the brisket.

To the brisket. To the brisket. To the brisket. To the brisket. Now I'm trying to think of like puns. Yeah. Putting like Hamilton songs. Yeah.

Now going away smart. What food? As chops. I am not throwing away my chops. Yeah. Yeah. I am not throwing away my chops. I am not throwing away my chops.

Yeah, brilliant. Still keeping on the young scrappy and hungry or whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. Keep that. Yeah. I want to be in the room where it happens. Kitchen.

Brackets the kitchen. Brackets the kitchen. We're at your dessert. We shouldn't put this off. Even though I know apparently I'm not going to like it, but there are two desserts. Or is there just one dessert? I don't think you're not going to like it.

I just think it doesn't, for the ghost menu, it doesn't fit the narrative of like breakfast, lunch, dinner. Because I'm going back to, because I want it to be all me. I think I'm just going to have pancakes, bacon and maple syrup. Okay. To end.

Okay. But I also thought, when you were talking about Universal and Disneyland, one of the favorite things I've ever eaten when I was a child, and I didn't know what it was until quite recently, and remembered that sort of Google existed, and I could find out what it was. Funnel cake.

Right. I don't think I've ever had a funnel cake. I've never had it. Listen. Okay. We've watched Deep Five Masters. We know Deep Five Masters. I've never seen Deep Five Masters.

Hello. Honestly, I cannot, but we might have to watch that. Deep Five Masters. It's what it sounds like. It's a cooking competition. Three Deep Five Masters going against each other, and each round is like, Deep Fry this, make us something that we could sell in the midway,

the whole thing. Yeah. Funnel cake. So there's obviously a big part of that show. Yeah. Is funnel cake just cake batter? Yeah. Directly into a fry.

And that's it. Yeah. They funnel it in until it's like, like a squiggly, like a squiggly pat basically, right? Yeah. Like a massive fried dough. Yeah. Oh, it's so good.

And then they pour powdered sugar over it. Yeah. It's crazy. You could have syrup. It was just transformative when I was a child. It was so wonderful. And I've always sort of tried to hit that high ever since, but can never.

I also think like I'd be too inhibited now to do it. Like I think I would have that voice going like, you're just eating fried dough. You're just eating fried dough. I think my problem with it is, is that I think like I would like that with, like as a element of a dessert, if it's not ice cream Sunday,

that had some fried dough in it. Oh yeah. Great fun. But when I see the actual funnel cake, some like, that can't be the, that's not the thing, is it? There was something at Disney World, which is like a pineapple upside down funnel cake kind of thing. Oh my God.

And that looked great. And I didn't get it. And I kind of regret it. I'll tell you what I don't like about it. The mechanism of squeezing is like, it's like they're doing toothpaste or someone's squeezing a big spot. It's weird.

The long sort of thin thing, like draping it into the basket. But you're very much like, you know what I mean? You don't have to see or think about that. Like you don't, you haven't forced about it. Cause it comes out and then it looks like Mr. Messy. No, but I told you I wanted a full cow. You weren't going,

I don't like the thought of it getting shot through the head. Do you know what I mean? I don't mind that. You love that. Obviously that is horrific. But I know why I think that's horrific. I can't quite put my finger on why I don't like them squiggling the dough into the basket.

And I think it's to do with Dr. Pimple Popper, but I'm not quite sure. I think there's a prize. Have you seen Dr. Pimple Popper? Yeah, I fucking love Dr. Pimple Popper. When there's a real big one and it wiggles out like a snake out their face. That's what funnel Kate reminds me of.

But I like the Pimple Poppin too. I actually had to get that out of my algorithms because I like it, but I couldn't see it in tandem with the jiggling brisket. It was just like two. So what would you do if a video popped up of Harry Styles cutting a brisket while popping a big spot on his face

and slapping a lady's bum? What if he slapped his spot on a jiggle like a lady's bum? I think I just, as I know, I think I probably just got into like two hours of paralysis. Yeah. I don't think I, I think I'd just stop. Yeah. Too much.

Hold on. What's the dessert here? Is it funnel cake or is it pancakes and bacon and maple syrup? What do you think? Well, I don't like pancakes and bacon and maple syrup. I hate this bacon and maple syrup shit. I don't like it. What?

I don't like the sweet and savoury thing together. I love the sweet and savoury thing. I think it's absolutely wonderful. I love sweet and savoury. You love it, right? I don't really, so my girlfriend always does, that's her pancake order. Yeah.

It's always that. I don't quite get on board of it. Oh, fucking hell. I had the best pancakes I've ever had the other day. Oh, shit. Talk us through it. Where's the, it's in Manchester. And the pancakes were just the fluffiest.

So on their own, there would have been the best pancakes. Yeah. Like really fluffy, really flavourful. Were they souffle pancakes? I think so. The Japanese, like Japanese souffle pancakes. But massive. They were big.

Yeah. But like really delicious and like flavourful. And on them, so they put a big knob of butter on there. And then had avocado. Oh, no. I'm out. Asparagus. No, I'm out.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. You really took it, but you fucked it there. Because you took us down, you took us down the sweet path. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't warn us that this was going to happen. Well, this is the thing. I poached eggs.

Oh, my God, no. If someone gave me avocado, I'd fuck them up. That is awesome. And tomatoes. I know this sounds bad. It was one of the nicest things I've ever, it was so good. Yeah, I just wasn't ready for it. I don't know.

So, butter and gill in Manchester, those savoury pancakes. You should have said savoury pancakes first. Yeah, you should have done that. That was your mistake there. No, we got poached eggs, man. Oh, no way. It was so good. Okay.

Can we go there next time we're in Manchester? Yeah. Can we get pancakes after this? And there's plenty of sweet pancakes on there as well. Yeah, I'll be having a two course pancake meal. French toast on there, I think. It's a good place. So, yeah, I think I'd probably stick with the pancakes.

Yeah. And I think it's going to be crispy bacon to go with the fluffiness of the pancakes. Unlimited maple syrup. And then at the end of that meal, what I like is we've employed Paul, the tour manager, to just administer and meet three Rennies. Three Rennies, yeah. Yeah. That's big days on tour when it's three Rennie days.

We have three Rennie days. Oh, it's three Rennie days. Yeah. Doesn't make it the thing on tour. Yeah, it's mainly Paul. He'll say it was a three Rennie day. It was a three Rennie day. Yeah.

He left his Rennies in the car and he had to make a dash to the car at 4 a.m. to grab his Rennies. Here we go, his Rennies. God, yeah. Paul, Paul. Paul, Paul. Yeah, I wouldn't like to... Actually, he's Linda when he's getting the Rennies. Yeah.

That's pure Linda. So, is these bacon pancakes, are they both menus? No, no, no. So, I'm going to complete the sort of Italian theme. Yeah. And I'm going to go in with a tiramisu. Very popular. Very popular.

Is it really? Yeah, people love tiramisu. It's got everything. Yeah. So, I've said it before, I've never really been a fan of tiramisu. I like it more these days. Yeah. I've grown up a bit and now I like a tiramisu.

I used to hate it and then I've grown to love it and just think, what was there to hate before? And I think it's probably because I like coffee now. But the way that that soaks into the sponge. The ladies fingers. The ladies fingers. That's what they're called. That's what they're called.

Yeah, you wasn't doing an extension of the ladies bump. No. Jiggle's like a ladies fingers. Jiggle's like a ladies fingers. Exactly. No, they are called ladies fingers. The look on the face of a comic is just full of loads of jokes. She doesn't want to say.

I don't want to talk about the ladies fingers. Oh no. Ladies fingers. I've gone into the state of paralysis. Coverage creams. And ladies fingers covered in ladies cream. And ladies coffee. And loads of chocolate on the top.

Yeah. That's a chuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a chuck. Is it self sourcing? You don't even need to add another source. It's everything's there. Now chucking in phrases like self sourcing.

Self sourcing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's self sourcing. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it can be self sourcing, can it? I mean, it doesn't. It doesn't do self sourcing. It doesn't produce.

It's not like meat that like boosts juice that kind of like makes itself or whatever. This is like a dessert. You put it together. You've put the stuff on it. You put the sauce in there. The ladies, my ladies fingers. Self sourced. Self sourced the ladies fingers.

Oh, well, no, I just think it's all there. Like you don't need to another pudding. You might need to pour some cream over. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not self sourcing. It's just like it's all encased. It's all encapsulated.

It's all ready. Yeah, it's creamy. It's a complete dessert. Really shut down the whimsy there, boys. Very unlike you. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. I don't think it was whimsy.

I think you were being an absolute full pervert. There was any whimsy involved in that whatsoever, Chloe. Sorry, Chloe, perhaps. My girlfriend made me a tiramisu cake for my last birthday. So it was like all of the elements of tiramisu, but like a bit sort of more solid. It was honestly fantastic. And she's vegetarian?

She doesn't eat loads of meat, but she will eat like well sourced. But she would leave you. Yes, that's why I'm asking. Because she would leave you for one of these menus, and it sounds like she's not even that much of a veggie. It's not the meat that she objects to. It's like... The relationship's on the rocks anyway, right?

Yeah, it's my personality. And I think you're tipping over the edge. I think it's just like the piles of beige. Like, I just think she thinks it's so unrefined and like... Also, you'd go to town on that second menu, right? It'd be gross by the end, because there's a lot of like smash it in your face. Yeah, the toilet trip after would be.

Yeah. Divorcible. Yeah, I mean... You're not even married? That's how bad it would be. We're getting married right now, so I can divorce you. In the toilet so long, we go through a lifetime. Marriage, divorce.

So, you think you'd be in the toilet so long... We'd have to live our life. ...that she would stand by the locked toilet door and someone would come and marry you. It could come. Your families would have to come and stand in the toilet while you're going, I'm so sorry about this, guys.

I do! You said this on an old wall! Yeah, that's right. And then the lawyer would be straight in. You're divorced. Oh, no, I'm going to get my life back together. I should have picked Pritiata! It's hard, isn't it, to write comedy

when the funniest thing in the world is someone panicking on a toilet. Yeah. How are we meant to do this? You're really outside of that. The whole job is just trying not to write that routine. I have read you both your menus back now. See how you feel about them.

Water, sparkling water, both menus. Poppums are bread. You want sourdough, fecaccia, Guinness bread, from Poppums, Jolene, with loads of pats. Where was the Guinness bread from? Café Cecilia. Café Cecilia. Starter, Gulfmenu, Rochetta.

Ghost menu, a full mini-fry-up. It did not sound very mini when you did write this. Main course, Gulfmenu, pasta with pistachio pesto, cream and shrimp, from... Aputia. Ghost menu, a big load of barbecue food. We've got all the meats on there. It's looking very nice.

Side dish, Gulfmenu, salad with fennel, orange and dill, the worst thing on the menu. Ghost menu, cornbread, mac and cheese, collard greens, Texas toast, frickel, coleslaw, vinegar-based. Drink, pint of pale ale on an empty stomach, then a glass of red wine, to the groom, to the groom. Dessert, Gulfmenu, tiramisu, ghost menu,

pancakes with bacon and maple syrup, and then Paul goes to the car at four in the morning and gets three reddies. Yeah. I mean, not bad. Both good menus. Both work. I want to dip in and out, you know?

Well, I mean, you could do... I want to try that pasta. I want to try that pasta. That's the thing I want to try most. It's really good. Yeah. I would say one of those menu lasts a day. Yeah.

And one of them is like a little evening. Yeah. You know, with some friends. Yeah. I'm picturing, you know, that you ate outside in Italy. That's what I'm picturing in my head. Nighttime outside. Yeah, we did some nighttime,

outsidey jobs. Yeah. I'm imagining like a bower of... Helen Bower? Helen Bower? I'm imagining Helen Bower. Yeah. And then suddenly this meal got a lot less relaxing.

See, I know why that's the girl from menu and then the other one is not the girl from menu. Because if I ate that ghost menu, I couldn't even look at my wife, let alone kiss her. The shame. The shame. Yeah. There's no way after that menu anything's happening

other than I'm going straight to the toilet. Yeah. And marrying Charlie again and then divorcing her. Yeah. But no, there ain't no funny business happening after that menu. I'll tell you. I'd roll onto my front. My stomach would flip me back onto my back.

You come in and go, can you call the plumber? I've cracked the toilet. Yeah, cracked the toilet. Get the window open because I'm absolutely flooding this house with farts. In fact, I'd have to sleep upstairs after that one. Yeah. I'd have to go in the spare room.

A flood of farts is such a wonderful image. Yeah. Just a constant stream. Yeah. Or the head fall off the cat. Yeah. Chloe, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant. Thanks for having me.

Chloe. There we are. Wonderful chat with the wonderful Chloe Pets. Thank you, Chloe. Chloe Pets. Chloe Pets as she will be forever known now. Thank you very much for coming on the show, Chloe. Two menus.

It was a two for even more chance of saying the secret ingredient, especially because one of them was so meat, not even focused, like just obsessed. It was meat obsessed. So I thought cracking is going to come up soon. There was not even any pulled pork on the barbecue platter. So she steered around that. There were pork ribs.

Yeah. And then the older pork scratchings did not come up. Very luckily, Harry or otherwise, which means that we can tell you that Chloe's on tour doing her brilliant show Transience, which I saw at the Edinburgh Festival. It already toured before Edinburgh due to popular demand. She's back on tour in January starting at the Soho Theatre.

But check out Chloe on socials and check out her website for more details of that. See if she's coming to a town near you with Transience. Yes, you will not regret it. Fantastic show. Fantastic comic. And thank you, Chloe, for coming to the Dream Investor Art. I've got four more days left on my tour

if you're listening to this when it comes out. If you're listening to this and you're in Barnstable, please come along. I think there's some tickets available. Also, the final three might have some tickets left. Bath Forum, Coventry Warwick Art Centre, and Birmingham Alexandra Theatre is the final date of the tour.

Do come along if you want to see me and Pets. Ah, the double whammy. The double whammy. And of course, you can hear my voice on the score and knuck in audiobook. Yes, don't forget that. The James the Giant Peach audiobook and on my own audiobook.

James A. Cass' guide to quit in social media, being the best you can be in saving yourself from loneliness, volume one. And of course, the great thing about audiobooks, they never sell out. They never sell out. You can get all... If you'd like to listen to my voice

on the off-menu podcast and not see in me, then why not check out my many audiobooks? If you're like... I like James' voice, but I don't like when he's himself. Mm-hmm. Do check out Squirrel Knuckin'. Do check out Squirrel Knuckin'

because I'm in that on my squirrel. Yes. We'll be back next week with the final episode of the series... Sight in. The final episode of series eight, James. I think I think we've done little clues in this Chloe Pett's episode

about who that might be next week as well. Unless beneath has edited out the clues. In which case, you'll have to try and determine... Yeah. Listen to the episode again. Yeah. Think about what you think's been cut out.

Yeah. And then from that, you've got to get clues from it. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you next week. Bye-bye. Goodbye. Hello!

It's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil... in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience

to tell you a little bit about our podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners.

Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News

we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening.

There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.