Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 175: Alex Horne (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Record a Christmas food podcast. Your time starts now. Watch The Horne Section TV Show on All 4. Watch Taskmaster on All 4. Listen to The Horne Section Podcast. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for... Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,
Starting point is 00:00:43 which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, wrapping the chip-a-latter of giggles in the bacon of the Internet. Jingle bells. That said, Gamble, a Christmas miracle. My name is James Acaster. A picking of blankets. This is Off Menu podcast. We own a dream restaurant. We invite a guest in every single week. We ask them their favorite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. Sometimes if it's a Christmas episode, we ask them their dream Christmas meal. And this week, our guest is Alex Horne. Little
Starting point is 00:01:36 Alex Horne, of course. It's been a long time coming. Yeah, yeah. Much requested, Alex Horne. Of course, the assistant on Taskmaster, the creator of Taskmaster. The brain. The brain, the real, the true brain. The big brain. The whole thing. He's put us through our paces and now we get to flip it around. Yeah, we get to put him through his paces. I've got to be honest, Alex is a lovely man, an absolute comedy genius. I think within the next decade we'll see him approaching national treasure territory. Here's what I'd say. I'm fairly sure this menu is going to be absolute dog shit. Yes. I'd say he doesn't think about food at all. No. He just eats whatever is around that he's meant to be eating. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:18 I've seen all the disgusting things he puts in his mouth on Taskmaster without hesitation and doesn't seem to really care. Yeah. I've been around him when he eats and he just pretty much just eats what the crews eat and he's not putting any thought into it. No. I don't think we're strapping in for a gourmet tour de force here. Definitely not. He's eating some pretty bad stuff in the past. But that's not to say it's not going to be a wonderful, entertaining Christmas episode. He's a Christmas man. Yeah, he seems Christmasy. I think he's a Christmas man. Yeah, I think you can picture him with a little sander hat on and it doesn't feel weird. I bet his kids have a lovely Christmas. I bet they do actually, apart from dinner.
Starting point is 00:02:56 Oh, dinner would be awful. Yeah, but everything else is fine. The games would be fun, I imagine. Yeah, games would be fun. Lots of little tasks, Christmas tasks. Yeah. Well, let's see. I guess we'll ask him. However, Ed, even though it's Christmas, if Alex Horne says a secret ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable, we will chuck him out of the dream restaurant. I think we'd love to do that, you and I. I'd really enjoy it. I'd love to trick him. I'd love to trick him. He's tricked us before. Doesn't feel good. Maybe we can trick him. So this week, the secret ingredient is his own beard. His own beard. Alex Horne's beard. He's eaten it already, so he might put it on his dream meal. Yes, Noel field him, fed it to him. In a sandwich,
Starting point is 00:03:35 in his exotic sandwich. Series four. Yeah, they slipped a little bit of Alex's beard off between some bread and Alex ate it. So he hasn't eaten his own beard before. If he's got a taste for it, and he puts it on his menu, then we will kick him out. It will feel pretty good to do that. You should go and watch, obviously, Taskmaster. We all know you should go watch Taskmaster. But if you're knocking around all four, you should go and watch the Horne section sitcom. They've done a sitcom, James. I'm very excited about this. I love the Horne section. And the fact that they've done a sitcom, I can only imagine what that's going to be like. Yes. They're already hilarious. Their music is fantastic. And the dynamic between them as a group is, I find it very funny when
Starting point is 00:04:14 watching them. The way that Alex talks to them, the way that they've got their own little characters going on. And that continues backstage as well. I think that's just who they all are. Yeah, the podcast, if you listen to the Horne section podcast, it's all on there as well. Very, very good. So that's going to be very exciting. Yes, so go and check that out. I believe it's all on all four right now. But without further ado, this is the off menu menu of Alex Horne. Welcome Alex to the dream restaurant. Thanks, Ed. Welcome Alex Horne to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Thanks, James. It's such a nice restaurant. Is everything I thought it would be? Yes. And more and a little bit more. What's a little bit more and then what's
Starting point is 00:05:02 the original thing? Well, I was expecting a welcome from Ed and then the sound effect from James. Yes. A little bit more is the eye contact. Yeah, I wasn't expecting eye contact. No, from James. Well, from either of you. Oh, I'm good with eye contact, surely. I just wasn't expecting it today. I thought you would be quite focused, got business like. Yeah. But you've been quite friendly. I'm a friendly guy. James is a friendly guy. We're friendly guys. Who do you think you've made the most eye contact with in your life? No, just in the world, I guess. Dr. Hark. Dr. Hark. Yeah. He's my eye specialist. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sort of. Because I thought about something completely different when you said that. Well, I've made up Dr. Hark, but I call out the name. Yeah. Who have
Starting point is 00:05:48 I made most eye contact with? I mean, I suppose my wife probably, Rachel, is her name. We look at each other quite regularly. Yeah, yeah. We spend an hour each. You know what we did do? We got a hot tub and then we look at each other all the time because you can't sort of go on screens. So you have to look at each other. You can't do that for that reason. So yeah, it's a circular hot tub. Yeah, that's a good, good little trick for anyone trying to give up their phone or have less time. Yeah, but I've been embarrassed about that ever since I got one. I think you might be the first people I've told in a public arena. Well, there you go. This is the big announcement. We like to get exclusives here. I wish I'd understand it. I think you know, I think in general, it's
Starting point is 00:06:28 known that you know that marriage is on rocky ground if you sit in the hot tub and then you both face it in the opposite direction. Yeah, that's always bad. No, I can't touch it at all. Didn't even realise it was there. I make a lot of eye contact with Rachel in the hot tub. I mean, no physical contact. Sorry, no physical contact in the hot tub. Very important. You've got to keep that water clean. Got to keep it clean. I, in lockdown, stocked up on chlorine. Did you? That was my main thing. Stocked up on it? Stocked up on chlorine. Why? Well, because... Who's the hot tub, I'm assuming. Does he not know about lockdown? No. People have to stock up on things.
Starting point is 00:06:59 Yes, but I never heard about people stocking up on chlorine during it. Was there a rush on chlorine? No, I was worried there'd be a rush on chlorine. So that's why I stocked up on chlorine. Yeah. I don't think I should have to explain this anymore. You're the first person I've met. You stocked up on chlorine. Yeah. Everyone else stocked up on like... Was it then that you realised that things were going quite well, that you were stocking up on chlorine for your hot tub? Yeah. You mean career wise? Career wise. Yeah, it was that moment I thought. Oh,
Starting point is 00:07:24 things are fine. You stocked up on truffles as well. Yeah, I think I'm all right. Look, I'll talk about truffles later when we get to the food segment of the hot tub. Okay, so sorry. We're still doing small talk, thank you. Well, we're still doing hot tub chat. If we may step over into the food chat then, I would say, is it safe to say, and I haven't said this to a guest before at the top of the show, safe to say this menu's going to be bad. Oh, I see. By the way, I suddenly felt a sense that I've relaxed.
Starting point is 00:07:50 Yes. That was good. It always takes me a few minutes in any company to relax, but I've relaxed now. Do you think it's because you mentioned your hot tub and then your body sort of imagined it was in the hot tub? I think that's been building up for four years, this release of hot tub news. Yeah. I remember you've got plenty of chlorine at home, so you felt a bit more chilled out. I think there's a bit of pepper on the table. A speck of something on the table there, and you're not going to believe this popped in, is there? I think it was pepper. It won't be a great menu. No, it won't be.
Starting point is 00:08:17 It won't be a menu that will lure anyone to this restaurant again. I don't understand this restaurant. Do you give people a menu to choose from? No. Off menu. There has to be a menu to go off menu, doesn't there? That's a good point, but I don't want to list what would be on the menu now, just in case it is what's on your menu. Well, I won't go off menu, obviously, but I'd like to know what's on the menu. Well, the menu appears in front of you when you say what you want. Wow, we've not ever said this before. Is it? This is like a big claim. And then you just pick,
Starting point is 00:08:44 or there's obviously only one option because you've just said it. It's what you want. You can do it. Oh, I understand the restaurant now. Yeah. Sorry about that. The menu is kind of, yeah. Is it a drive-thru? It can be, if you want, if you want it to be. You'd like it to be, but again, for each course, we'll go round and round. That's fun, because now I'm imagining the genie in like a fast food service outfit. At the window. Yeah, hovering at the window. Oh, that'd be fun. I'll do that.
Starting point is 00:09:12 I'm coming to your drive-thru restaurant, please. I was with someone once, a comedian who I won't name. This comedian drove me to a gig. He arrived at the gig and he was very flustered. Then he went to get home as soon as possible. And then we were driving home, and he went to his driver's drive-thru. He was all over the place. And during the drive-thru, he ordered the food, and then he went to the window to pay. They were getting him the food, and he went, I rude! Rude! Like that to them. They gave him the food.
Starting point is 00:09:42 And then he sped away, and he went, they were talking about me in there. And I was like, oh no. Oh no. And then he slowed down and laughed at a woman who was being sick. Well, I've had that before. I once got out of a coach at a petrol station. No, I looked down at my car at a petrol station, and there was a coach who pulled up in front of me, and four old people got out and were sick at the front of the coach. And I laughed at that. All of them just lined up and were sick, really old people.
Starting point is 00:10:03 It was so funny. I mean, the visual is better there. It was awful. Yeah, that's like laughing at one girl on her own being sick is horrible. Yeah. Laughing at four old people being sick off of the same coach is funny. Especially with the girl being sick late at night. Well, she's had too much to drink. She's by herself.
Starting point is 00:10:22 It's very sad. I hope she's all right. Four old people being sick, 2pm off a coach. What's happened? There's so much backstory to it. But also, it's quite hard to know how to deal with anything. Like, if you see someone being sick, would you step in? I'm not stepping in. No, I'm not stepping in. What about anything?
Starting point is 00:10:38 I walked down a corridor, and a girl walked down opposite me recently, and she was crying. And I did. This face. Just a sad, just a sad face to her. And they carried her walking. Well, I guess what else are you supposed to do, but also don't do that. The listeners just got to guess what face that was. Yeah, you can imagine. And put it and then go, that's mean.
Starting point is 00:10:55 And that makes her laugh. I didn't mean to. It wasn't a decision. It was just what happened. Yeah, you sort of did an emoji. Yeah. Yeah, that did an emoji. So, food-wise, I only have really seen you eating, I think, on the set of Taskmaster. Where you pretty much just go with whatever the contestant has ordered.
Starting point is 00:11:17 Yeah, I would say that's sort of my dream scenario for any food. I'd happily go to a restaurant where I'd say, I'll have what you're having. Every time, just all, wait to just bring me food. I love it when it's a set. When it's just the decisions are all made. I don't really have taste buds. No. So, it's more about the size and color of the food.
Starting point is 00:11:37 Yeah. Size, shape, and color. Your favorite color. Have you about to break the podcast? Going, I'll have what you're having. But we're not having anything. No. So, every day at Taskmaster, the menu goes round.
Starting point is 00:11:50 And I have what Jenny has. Jenny's in charge of the menu at the moment. I say, what are you having, Jenny? And I think she's maybe a vegan or something. So, I don't really, you know, we don't have similar. So, what sort of stuff are you having? What's Jenny doing? Pelenta.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Yeah. Yeah. Where are you getting pelenta from? Is this at the Taskmaster house? It's in the menu. I had a baked potato yesterday. With coronation chicken and baked beans. Nice.
Starting point is 00:12:14 I don't know. I've, it was all right. Weirdly, I've had a hankering for that lately. Have you? Baked potato with coronation chicken. Yeah. I've come very close to ordering it twice on a menu and then gone for something else, but always after four.
Starting point is 00:12:25 Not a strong hankering. I really want that coronation chicken with the baked potato, actually. What did you have instead? I can't even remember. That's how much I wish I'd had the baked potato with the coronation chicken. I've never done that. As in, I've never got that close to ordering something
Starting point is 00:12:38 and then ordered something else. I would have ordered it. You would have just done it? Yeah, I would have ordered it. Wouldn't you have ordered it? No, I get, I spend a long time working out what I want. Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:47 No, not me. No. You just, you have what Jenny has. Yeah. Well, Jenny here, by the way. We should have got Jenny on the podcast first. We should have got Jenny on the podcast. I told you what Jenny had.
Starting point is 00:12:57 Yeah. Really, what we should do is, if you're struggling later on in the menu, say we get to dessert and you're struggling, you should text Jenny and say, what do you want for dessert? No, I don't really like, I don't, not a big food fan. I do it. Same as sort of movies as well.
Starting point is 00:13:12 I don't really, you know. Really? I don't really like them. You like Michael Owen? Yeah. Yeah. I do like Michael Owen. You like football?
Starting point is 00:13:20 Yes. Yes, I like football. Oh, we did things I like. Yep. I like football, I like trousers. What do I like? Yeah, football. You like fun tops.
Starting point is 00:13:29 You like Tim Quay? Yeah, yeah. Football, Tim Quay, trousers, tops. Tops, yeah. Yeah. Bowling, Tim per bowling. Do you have Jenny's phone number? Can you text Jenny and say what would be your off-menu dream meal?
Starting point is 00:13:42 And if she does get back, we can maybe see. But we do want yours as well, Alec. Yeah, yeah, we want yours as well. But then you can look at Jenny to decide if you would prefer that at the end. Okay. It's what I'm saying, Jenny, what is your, what is my dream meal? Yeah, yeah. Well, whatever won't confuse her the most.
Starting point is 00:13:58 What was my dream meal? Quick as possible please. I don't know if she's a fan of the pod, so. Yeah. Say you're doing off-menu. Yeah, oh yeah. If she wants to Google that. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:05 I think she would like this podcast. Yeah. I think she, I think she does like this podcast. Right. Okay. Well, then she'll know the format, hopefully. Oh, there we go. Does Gary still work on?
Starting point is 00:14:14 Gary, I was with Gary yesterday. Yeah, Gary still works there. Love Gary. That's my main food memory from Taskmaster. Is Gary eating the cake? It, yeah. It was Gary's birthday. And we'll have a slice of this big cake.
Starting point is 00:14:24 And Gary just went, just picked up the rest of the cake and he ate it in a way that was like, I respected it so much the way he did it. He just completely, he didn't cut it up, just got a fork and just dug into it. And he looked so happy. I was like, oh, Gary's my hero. Yeah. I could tell you a lot about the food habits of the crew. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:41 But I think there are some secrets. Yeah, okay. But the biggest secret is that Andy C, the producer, never eats in the same room as us. Oh, I never noticed that. And I don't think he'll enjoy me saying this, but it's brilliant for us. We always wonder what he's up to. Yeah, what's he doing? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:14:54 Hi, Andy. Hello, Andy. He sneaks off. It's great. Thank you for the wrap up and recommendations, Andy. Let me know again. So have you ever followed him to where he goes to eat or? No, I respect him too much.
Starting point is 00:15:05 Yeah. He'd be awful if he caught me following him out to lunch. So say he went to the caravan to eat. Yeah. What if you went, oh, Andy, do you mind if we just have a chat about something? We've got a few things to catch up on and took your lunch in there and sat down in the caravan. I don't know what would happen. I wouldn't do that.
Starting point is 00:15:18 I wouldn't. There was a secret room in the caravan, so he'd probably go there. Probably go in the secret room. Yeah. Full of balloons. The balloons. Did you ask me if he eats the balloons? Oh, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:15:30 I don't know if he eats the balloons. I can't imagine he would. No. Just because of the, you know, the content of the balloon. Yeah, sure, sure. Not edible. Good task. Yeah, eat the balloons.
Starting point is 00:15:39 Eat the balloons. Fastest wins. Eat the balloons is a great task. I'd eat the balloons. Yeah. If you had a task, if it was just shit, fastest wins, who would win out of you two? I think maybe Ed. I reckon Ed.
Starting point is 00:15:53 When you said that, shit, fastest wins. My stomach went, let's go. Yeah, yeah. Five points. You're very competitive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My whole body is good. But also it's like, you know, shit is a big part of his life.
Starting point is 00:16:05 Oh. Him and Nish shared a flat for years and it was very much the theme of the flat. Yeah. Was doing a shit. We still text each other now about it. That's so interesting. So Tim and I lived together. I don't think we ever mentioned it.
Starting point is 00:16:16 And we probably pretended we didn't do it. We've never hugged either, so. We have hugged each other twice. Twice, sorry. Once when I was sad, once when I was happy. But you're not going to talk about about shitting if you're not even happy. No. You know.
Starting point is 00:16:33 Yeah, yeah. That's not going to happen. I've never done one in the Taskmaster house either. There's only one toilet and I'm not going to do that. I've definitely done one in the Taskmaster house. Have you both? Oh, yeah, yeah. Definitely.
Starting point is 00:16:41 We've got a good spray. Me too. To do it with. Oh, it's all about shitting, isn't it? Yeah, sometimes it is. Should I say if Jenny's replied? Yes? Ah.
Starting point is 00:16:52 Well, first of all, well, I mean, how is the coronation chicken and cheese and bean? I had cheese in it as well. Jacket, potato, combo. Good to know you weren't lying. You have before now also asked for a say. You have also before now asked for a sandwich with raisins in. So that's a possible, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:12 Asked for a sandwich with raisins in. Why wouldn't you have a sandwich with raisins in? It's, sure. Well. Chewy. Well, that's a dessert. Oh. I would say.
Starting point is 00:17:21 I go off and make honey sandwiches for the children for sort of Saturday lunch. I'm not in charge of the children anymore. So I say thanks Jenny and then leave her alone. So, right? Yeah, maybe. Well, thanks Jenny. Yeah, OK. Would you just have a sandwich with just like buttered bread and raisins though?
Starting point is 00:17:37 Literally nothing else. Because I could see maybe if it was a honey sandwich that sprinkles some raisins in. That'd be nice. I'm not sprinkling the raisins in. No? I think I'm spooning the raisins in. How many raisins? It's a layer of raisins.
Starting point is 00:17:47 A whole layer. Do you want to see any bread? It's replace sausages with raisins in your sausage sandwich. And then you've got raisins sandwich. Yeah. White bread? White bread. Oh, anyone who doesn't have white bread is lying to you.
Starting point is 00:18:00 Is that true? Of course. I have brown bread all the time, but I'm a liar. You're lying to me. Yeah. What's nicer? Brown bread. White bread.
Starting point is 00:18:09 I think brown bread's nicer. Yeah. You're lying to me. I love granary bread. I don't feel about that. Well, you don't. I do. I do.
Starting point is 00:18:15 You don't. I do. I prefer white bread. Thank you. There we go. See? Yeah. White bread's the best.
Starting point is 00:18:20 Yeah. Cool. Tomato ketchup and raisins and butter. I'm so sorry, by the way. This isn't me pretending. I've just got awful taste in food. But that's great. No, we know you're not pretending.
Starting point is 00:18:30 We know what we're getting into. We want you to establish to the listener. This is the man who eats because he'll die otherwise, but not because he wants to eat. Yes. I quite like the choosing, but it doesn't make any difference to me what it is when it arrives.
Starting point is 00:18:41 Right. So that's weird to like the choosing, then, isn't it? Yeah, but what I mean is I like the words. Yeah. You like picking your words. But it doesn't matter. They don't necessarily represent anything physically to you. No, when it goes into my mouth, it could be anything.
Starting point is 00:18:54 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that one makes no difference. Well, people have seen you put all manner of things in your mouth. I put quinoa in once. We always start with still or sparkling water. OK. Do you have a preference?
Starting point is 00:19:09 This is the choosing. Yeah, this is choosing. These are choosing words. You can choose your favourite words. I always say, well, I like the word sparkling, but I don't really want water. Thank you. Not at all.
Starting point is 00:19:17 If there's a choice of water or not water, I'll have no water, thank you. Yeah? If I'm at a restaurant with Rachel, I won't have the water. Well, Rachel will have water. Rachel will have sparkling water. OK, I'll get sparkling water for Rachel. OK.
Starting point is 00:19:28 Yeah, that's fine. But you know, if you're not going to drink it, you don't need to get it at your drinker. I won't have water, thank you. You won't have water. How much water did you drink in a day, would you say? Two. Two water.
Starting point is 00:19:39 I would say a man who says that if it's a choice between water and no water, I'll have no water. Shouldn't be stocking up on chlorine. Is there Fanta on the menu? Yeah. Well, I'll have Fanta then. OK, I think we can allow Fanta for the water course.
Starting point is 00:19:56 Yeah? Yeah, for sure. Well, I'll have Fanta because Fanta is like white bread. Fanta is nicer than water. White bread is nicer than vogal. Is that a type of bread? I think so. Vogal.
Starting point is 00:20:05 Vogal. Vogal. Third of vogal. I think I've seen that written down. Do you think that Fanta is the white bread of drinks? Yes. Is that what you're saying? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:15 Yeah. Or Regina, if we're abroad. OK. Are we abroad? You can be. Is it the drive-thru, remember? Oh, no. I'll stick to the UK drive-thru thing.
Starting point is 00:20:24 Because you want to be driving in a certain way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I worry that I'll be in my car abroad and then I'll be ordering from the wrong window. Yeah, I mean, this is your dream. You don't necessarily need to add sort of admin. Well, I could reverse him.
Starting point is 00:20:37 OK, so you're in your car. Abroad. Abroad drive-thru and you reverse it. Reverse him. Adds. But it is busy. So everyone else has the reverse as well. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:47 So just to determine what country it's in, I want you to imagine you're reversing in, you get to the window, you look at them, and the first word you say is? Bonjour. Sorry. Bonjour. There's not a lot of imagination here.
Starting point is 00:20:59 Yeah, yeah. And I don't want to travel far. I only speak French. I think a bit of German. Yeah. I'd say that to them. I'd say. And children's are bitter.
Starting point is 00:21:12 We come isch. Ich bin best in some Bahnhof. That's good. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. What's that? I'd like a jackpotato, a kind of chicken.
Starting point is 00:21:19 I don't get the station. But food-wise, it's only cow gummi. That's all I know in German, which is chewing gum. Is that Canada's food? Yeah. Yeah, very interesting that that's in your list of food words. Really, I'm looking forward to this. Maybe you don't have to swallow.
Starting point is 00:21:35 Yeah. But also, I do swallow chewing gum. Oh, yeah? Because I think that's the seven-year thing is, I can't believe it's true. Yeah. Because I've swallowed it for the last 20 years. You swallow them every time?
Starting point is 00:21:47 We gave bubblegum to the children for a two-week holiday in France because we thought they were normal sweets and they're fine too. Yeah. They're just popping them and eating them. Did your kids? Chewing gum is definitely fine to swallow. Otherwise, they wouldn't sell it, I think. Right.
Starting point is 00:22:00 That's interesting. But they sell quite a lot of other stuff. I mean, what are you doing with that corn? Not stuff that you're going to put in your mouth and not eat. I don't think they could sell chewing gum if you're not supposed to swallow it. It's not the danger that they wouldn't sell knives if you weren't supposed to, like...
Starting point is 00:22:13 Yeah. But there's no warning on the pack saying, do not swallow this. I think there is. I think there might be. But it's not like a cigarette pack where there's a picture of people who swallow too much chewing gum. No.
Starting point is 00:22:24 No, but then that's because cigarettes, they're meant to be smoked. So legally, they have to go, listen, just so you know, if you use these the way that we're telling you to, it's going to be bad. With the chewing gum, you're not meant to swallow it, so they don't have to go...
Starting point is 00:22:39 I think it's better to swallow it than spit it out onto the pavement. Well, yes. But there aren't many bits there are. See how many bits there are on pavements? Yes, awful. Do you worry that sometimes it will all just be chewing gum and no pavement anymore?
Starting point is 00:22:49 It's going to get to that point. But you know, that's nature. Is it? No. But it is if people don't swallow it. I quite like when the chewing gum goes all black and it's this little black dots all over the pavement. I quite like that.
Starting point is 00:23:00 Makes me feel at home. There's a bridge. I can't remember which bridge in London it is. It might be Millennium Bridge, where someone has gone along. I didn't notice this. I was with someone and they noticed it. Someone has gone along and coloured in all of the chewing
Starting point is 00:23:14 gum on the bridge, different colours. So you look down and it's this quite artistic. It looks really bright colours and vivid. And then you realise it's the chewing gum that they've coloured in. Wow. Are they using sharpies or Posca pens, maybe? Maybe it was Posca pens.
Starting point is 00:23:28 Yeah. Possibly Posca. It was very good. It was quite, you know... Yeah, no, I'm into that. Quite uplifting, actually. Yeah. They made something ugly, beautiful.
Starting point is 00:23:37 But I'm going to keep swallowing. Yeah, keep swallowing. So you're going to keep swallowing chewing gum. And you're having orange... So we're having orangeina, are we? Because you're a broad and reverse. We'll have orangeina. Yeah, please.
Starting point is 00:23:46 Orangeina on holiday. What a treat. Shake the bottle, weight the taste. Shake the bottle, weight the taste. Not many foods or drinks you have to wake up before consuming. Yeah, wake the taste, yeah. Do you like the fact that you have to shake the bottle
Starting point is 00:23:59 to weight the taste? Yeah, I like that it's asleep when you buy it. Yeah. And you've got to wake it up and then drink it. Surprise. Do you think that's a horrible way for an orangeina to meet its end, though? No, I think it's a lovely way.
Starting point is 00:24:08 I don't think it's all peaceful and then suddenly it's... No, I think liquids are fine, aren't they? Yeah. Like if you were a liquid swallowed by a shark, it's not as bad as us guys being eaten by a shark. Yeah, that's true. You'd rather be a liquid swallowed by a shark. Then my current state, yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:25 Yeah, that'd be better. Also the orangeina bottle, always a treat. Yeah, lovely shake. Yeah, shape. Lovely shape. Lovely shape. Is it the shape of an orange, do you think? Yeah, I think that's what I always love.
Starting point is 00:24:35 A bit, obviously. A bit, the bottom bit. A bit, but you can't... Obviously the... Yeah, obviously you need the neck of the... The orange with the neck. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:41 If an orange had a neck. Yeah. Bigger, bigger. First bigger for the episode? Yeah. It won't be the last, I don't think. No, I don't think it will be. If an orange had a neck, it's not a bad if.
Starting point is 00:24:53 Yeah, yeah. It's a good size if. Quite good. If an orange had a neck, would that make the main bit of the orange, the body or the head? Yes, yes. It would make it...
Starting point is 00:25:04 I see, what ends it coming out I suppose as well. You want it to come out of the mouth rather than the rear end of the orange. But surely you just flipped the orange over, didn't you? You flipped the orange over. So, the way I would see it, if it had a little neck on it,
Starting point is 00:25:15 if an orange had a neck bigger, I would hold it by the neck and peel the orange like a banana. You see? No, I see. Yeah. But you're peeling a banana like you peel a banana. I go round and round.
Starting point is 00:25:26 Yeah. Like if I do much. Yeah. See, you do that. It takes ages. It does take a long time for you to peel it. Yeah. Does it...
Starting point is 00:25:33 Everyone says, you see, that's all you can peel a banana in one. But yeah. But width ways. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know which end of the orange is the body. I feel like the main orange is the body
Starting point is 00:25:47 and then the neck. But then you have to then imagine a head. Because is a neck a neck without a head? Yeah, a neck of a bottle. Well then the bottom of the bottle is the body of the bottle. Yeah. But you can have a neck without a head.
Starting point is 00:25:59 Surely. What is a neck without a head? Neck can... Then the neck becomes the head. This has got philosophical quickly, Alex. Hmm. Don't think you can have a neck without a head. You can't have a neck without a head?
Starting point is 00:26:08 But I mean, we're even talking about bottles where you say the neck of a bottle. Yeah, and then you've got the little lid as the head. That's not the head. Yeah, the lid is the head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course the lid's the head. It's the top of the neck.
Starting point is 00:26:17 That's why people say, I'm just going to take off the head of the bottle. Yeah. Off of its head. Yeah. It's what you shout when you have a bottle. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah, whenever I open a bottle of head,
Starting point is 00:26:25 I think I'll scream off with its head. Pop it up with your bread. Pop it up with your bread, Alex Horne. Pop it up with your bread. White bread please. Of course. Yeah. I forgot that question.
Starting point is 00:26:37 And you call me by surprise, then? Yes. Yeah. But I don't think we'll ever really know when you're... You're the kind of person who has to tell people that you were surprised. Ah, because I didn't show it. Well, there's no...
Starting point is 00:26:49 No, it's true. That would be a good task. Actually, scare, Alex. We have had... We've had surprise, Alex, when we come out of the shed. One of my favourite ones, though. But then, in that one, I knew I was going to be surprised. So that's difficult to prepare yourself to be surprised.
Starting point is 00:27:01 Well, even then, you had to verbally articulate how surprised you were. I'm the same with jokes now, as well. You might be, as well. I have to say, yes, I found that funny, rather than laughing in any way. No, I really laugh. I love a big old laugh.
Starting point is 00:27:16 A bit more basic. Scare, Alex. Obviously. Scare, Alex, would be a great task, as well, I think. Yeah. But I think you'd need a long... I need to not know I'm going to be scared in the next hour. Sure.
Starting point is 00:27:27 Well, I guess it's a case of scare, Alex, at some point during... Before he's 50. Before he's 50. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe that would be, yeah, day one, be given that task without you even knowing it's a task. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:40 Now we've ruined that. And they have to do it by the end of the series. Yeah. And then you just sort of liaise with the Andes on when you're going to do it. Yeah. That would be quite good. And that would be...
Starting point is 00:27:50 The way I would do it would be say, invite Alex to have lunch with you. Yeah. Because he would not be able to resist that. Oh, wow. And then it turns out he's got some horrific habits. Yeah, he does something awful. I'm looking for a task which, in the old days,
Starting point is 00:28:03 you could have a really basic task like sweat the most in one hour. But we feel like we've done all them, which I think is why I mentioned shitting earlier. Yeah. Because he's done fart. We've done fart. We've done sweat the most.
Starting point is 00:28:12 Yeah. Yeah, done fart. There's not many bodily functions left. No. And I kind of wanted to cut the most hair off your head, but it's not that sort of program. So if you think of a bodily function we've not done, please let me know.
Starting point is 00:28:23 But... Yeah. If you've done fart. Totally. Totally, yeah, we've done fart. Yeah, we've done fart, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, really, that was the series to do it
Starting point is 00:28:30 would be to give Mike that as well in the same series. And then go even worse, maybe. So that he burns and then vomit. Vomit. Come. We know. Well, I suppose it is that, isn't it? Eventually.
Starting point is 00:28:41 Champion of champions. I think that's for champion of champions, isn't it? Imagine. That feels like a champion of champions task. Can't wait to watch Taskmaster. Come, fast as winds. Ed is going for a real come face. No, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:28:56 I didn't bring it up yesterday. It wasn't me who brought it up yesterday. Come is funny to say. Because it's so rude. It's sort of a shame it's rude, because if it wasn't rude, we could all just talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's just like spitting, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:29:06 Yeah. He's actually like spitting. If footballers did it on the pitch, would you be cross? Yeah. They normalised it. They always do it before a free kick. Yeah. Why?
Starting point is 00:29:21 That's why they're holding on to their tics when they're in the wall. Yeah, yeah. That's what they're getting ready for. Oh, they've all just done it. They've all just done it. Let's see, it's funny. It's very early in the morning for this. So you would like white bread?
Starting point is 00:29:35 Yeah, white bread, please. White bread. What do you want on the white bread? What do I want on the white bread? Do you want, is it just like box standards white sliced loaf, or is there a, is there? Mighty white. Mighty white.
Starting point is 00:29:44 Mighty white, please. Okay, great. Mighty white sliced, medium sliced. Is there an option to have things on it? If you want, yeah. If you want to. Oh, butter. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:53 Have you had butter on bread before? Yeah, it works. It makes it nicer, doesn't it? It's a good system. It's a good system. It's like sugar and tea. Yeah. Or milk on cereal.
Starting point is 00:30:00 How many sugars do you have in your tea? Two. But I've cut down recently to just under two. I think I asked for one this morning, didn't I? Which is just under two. Yeah, that is just under two. How many sugars does Bob Mortimer have in his 15? Well, he'd cut down to 15 when he was with us.
Starting point is 00:30:15 Yeah. That's the thing, by the time he came on this, is that 14, maybe? And it's not an exaggeration. He has a whisk instead of a spoon. So, do you want us to spread the butter? I can spread my butter. You can spread your own butter.
Starting point is 00:30:29 Thank you. Or dip. I don't mind dipping it. You want to dip it? Wiping, actually. I'll wipe the bread and the butter. Yeah. Do you want sort of a block of butter,
Starting point is 00:30:36 or do you want a tub of butter? Oh, I want it in a paper, sort of. Like, you know, butters were wrapped up, isn't it, like a present? Yeah. When it arrives. Can we like it wrapped up, please? A little envelope.
Starting point is 00:30:46 An envelope of butter, please. And you're unwrapping that, and then you're wiping the bread on it. And then wiping the bread, yeah. Yeah. Wiping the bread across it. Whole slice wiped across it, or just, are you going to wipe little bits?
Starting point is 00:30:55 I think my mum told me you meant to tear the bread in a restaurant, not cut it. So I will tear bits off it and wipe it into the bread parcel. A butter parcel. First bit of wisdom from Mama Horn in the episode. Yeah. Thank you. Sheela.
Starting point is 00:31:07 Sheela. Sheela. So I'm not going to be rude in the restaurant. So she's always told you, always tear the bread. Tear the bread, spoon, soup spoon away from you. And elbows off the table. Thank you. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:18 What do you mean soup spoon away from you? You're not meant to pull the spoon towards you when you eat spoon. You're going to push it away. Then how do you get it? And then pull it back towards you. I get what? So you like get the ripple.
Starting point is 00:31:27 So you're pushing the soup away and then coming back? No. Ladle it away. You're just going away. Oh, okay. So you're, the soup is collecting on the far side of the spoon. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're doing the collecting.
Starting point is 00:31:37 Take some credit for this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I thought you meant you're literally pushing the soup one direction and then just coming back and then waiting for it.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Yeah. Like a tide. Yeah. So that there's like loads of soup has gone over the rim that way. Yeah. And the table's covered in soup because you keep on pushing it that way. Maybe it was that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:53 Sheela was messy. Yeah. It is messy. But yeah, just bread and butter. Mighty white, medium sliced. Yep. Block of butter. And well, I didn't know there's more options.
Starting point is 00:32:02 I'll have some cheese. Huh? I'll have some cheese. You like some cheese? What kind of cheese? Either slices or primula shrimp flavoured cheese spread. I think that's been a secret ingredient before. It has been a secret ingredient in the past.
Starting point is 00:32:21 Yeah. Well, as a kid, I did like squeezing primula shrimp flavour cheese out of a tube and bread. I do it directly into my mouth when I was a kid. And then a toothbrush. Yeah. It is weird, isn't it? Because it is so like toothpaste that feels weird when you first have it. No, after a bit.
Starting point is 00:32:37 Fat little boy at the fridge, straight into the mouth. And I don't think it goes off, either. No. Not one of the few things. Even though, and, but it's one of the few things that doesn't go off, but tastes like it's always off. Yeah. Shrimpy cheese. So I'll have a bit of that, please.
Starting point is 00:32:48 You would like the shrimpy cheese on them? Yep. An American cheese as well. The slices. Oh, hold on. So are they both on together or are they on different parts of it? You're doing half. Half.
Starting point is 00:33:00 Half American cheese. You wouldn't go half shrimpy cheese. Shrimpy cheese. If I can. American cheese on top. Okay. You would like to do that? I don't mind.
Starting point is 00:33:07 Yes, I do. Wipe in the butter. Yep. Squeeze the cheese on. Yep. Wack a slice on. Yeah. In a case.
Starting point is 00:33:13 You're squeezing the cheese on and you then spread in it or you're squeezing it. No, I think I'll spread with the slice, probably. I'll use the slice as a tool. Patting it down with the slice. Yeah. Can see it like a tooling up sequence in a film. Yeah. Mmm.
Starting point is 00:33:25 Yeah. Yeah. Really quickly edited. Yeah. Like a snatch or something. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm probably full.
Starting point is 00:33:31 Yeah. So that'll be me. That is the problem. I do quite often fill up on bread. Yeah. I don't think Jenny would have any of this. No. Jenny's not picking this.
Starting point is 00:33:41 Jenny's not picking this, is she? Absolutely not. No wonder you have to be Jenny. One of the team can't eat gluten. Right. I love gluten. Yeah. I'll have some gluten if there's gluten available.
Starting point is 00:33:51 Give it a pot of gluten on the side. Pot of gluten, yeah. Yeah, you can sprinkle some more of that on the bread if you want. Yeah. I don't know if it's a sprinkle situation with gluten. I think it's a tap. Tap. I'll just spoon it in.
Starting point is 00:34:01 Mmm. Well, either way. You can have a gluten tap. A gluten tap. Yeah. Yeah, shoot. And riboflavin, please. What flavour?
Starting point is 00:34:09 Riboflavin. Riboflavin. You know when you're a kid and you read the cereal packet ingredients? Oh. I always was attracted to riboflavin and an IS in. Okay. Well, I don't know. When you're a kid and you read the cereal packet ingredients.
Starting point is 00:34:21 Those are the riboflavin. It's in bicycles. And that's my favourite cereal. That is a good cereal. Yeah. Captain Rick. Yeah. Captain Rick.
Starting point is 00:34:28 I wanted to be called Rick when I was a kid because of Captain Rick. Are you? I wanted to be called Rick. Goodbye, are you? I'm not called. No. No, no, no. I'm called Ed.
Starting point is 00:34:35 I'm called Ed. But Rick with a K. Yeah. You wanted to be called Rick. Yeah, because of Captain Rick. Because of the Captain Rick Rycicle. He was cool, wasn't he? Yeah, he was so cool.
Starting point is 00:34:42 Oh, he was cool. He was an astronaut. Are you kidding me? I want to make fun of you, but he is cool. Yeah. He's an astronaut. I mean, there's worse role models to have than an astronaut as his own cereal.
Starting point is 00:34:51 Yeah. Yeah. Best cereal guy, maybe. Yeah. You've got the chicken on cornflakes. Yeah, fuck that chicken though. The cornflakes are so boring. Is that okay?
Starting point is 00:34:58 It's a cockful. Yeah, we can say that. He's the main guy. No, yeah, yeah, exactly boring. He's the Ronald McDonald of cereals. Exactly. People like Leonardo and the Terces. I'd say he's more the Abraham Lincoln of cereals.
Starting point is 00:35:10 Yeah. Than one of McDonald's. All right. Yeah. Is that Crackle and Pop? Not interested? No. No, they've got each other they don't need.
Starting point is 00:35:20 You didn't want to be called Crackle when you were a kid? No. No, okay. Or Pop or Snap. Coco the Monkey? Coco the Monkey. I mean, he's a monkey. I think I liked him then I grew out with him.
Starting point is 00:35:29 Yeah, yeah. He's probably like the original favor, isn't he? And then you kind of grow up and you go like Captain Rick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You realize you're never going to be a little monkey. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry. Tony the Tiger.
Starting point is 00:35:40 Tony the Tiger. Yeah, you saw it. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I reckon if Richard Osman did a World Cup of, you know. It's not a big if. Serial mascots. Tony the Tiger would probably win. Yes.
Starting point is 00:35:53 Yeah. But it's not the best catch phrase. Yeah. Tony the Tiger. What's his catchphrase? Oh, go on. Right. Okay.
Starting point is 00:36:03 Well, you keep guessing. Tony the Tiger. All right. It's going to be Ryre again, I think. Well, that's not a catchphrase. Ooh. More than a root. Who stole my Frosties?
Starting point is 00:36:10 Yep. Who stole my Frosties? I didn't think he had a catchphrase, did he? Yeah, quite famously. Really, like everyone knows it in the world. It's in reference to the Frosties themselves. Yeah. Are we allowed to give that a name?
Starting point is 00:36:20 It's his opinion on the Frosties. Yeah. Oh, they're great. They're grrr. I can't run my ass. They're grrr, right. They're grrr, right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:27 I don't know of any other… Who are the other cereal mascots? I guess we're then getting into the realms of Captain Crunch. The Quaker Oatsman. The Quaker Oatsman. He's not a mascot, though. The lady who looks like a K for Special K in the swimming suit. Grandma Crunch.
Starting point is 00:36:39 I've moved on from Grandma Crunch now. Eddie's Grandma Crunch. The guys at Cereal Cereal sent me some cereal, so I've moved on to those guys now. I love those guys. Yeah, Low Carb Hyper Protein Cereal. Yeah, I can't think of any other real big cereal mascots. Cookie Wolf.
Starting point is 00:36:54 Oh, yeah, that fucking Mad Wolf with the cookies. Yeah, absolutely mad. I've never had a Pop-Tart. Interesting. Hello. I think you would like a Pop-Tart, though. I think I'd like a Pop-Tart. Do you think you'd like a Pop-Tart too much?
Starting point is 00:37:06 Yeah, yeah, probably. Yeah, they are good. Yeah, I probably like a Pop-Tart. It's one of those things as well. I always asked as a kid, I was like, please grab Pop-Tarts. Always know. Grew up for too long to have a Pop-Tart now.
Starting point is 00:37:16 This is ridiculous. But tried it and was like, oh, they're every bit as good as I thought. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. I did some research about them recently. They were in the 60s and they were called Pop-Tart after it was during the war-hold Pop-Tart movement,
Starting point is 00:37:28 genuinely, and they were called that. And they had a rival that came out at the same time that failed because they had a boring name. I think they were called, oh, I can't remember, like Quaker Rectangles. You know, they really do have Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts is fun. Really fun.
Starting point is 00:37:40 And obviously, they pop up. They pop up. They pop up. And they're full of jam and chocolate. What are they? Jam, chocolate, marshmallow, whatever. It's all peanut butter. It's all going on in there.
Starting point is 00:37:51 Yeah. Well, maybe I'll have my first Pop-Tart with a bread. What do you want in the Pop-Tart? What are you saying? Primula. No, I'll have Nutella. No, I'll have Biscoff.
Starting point is 00:38:01 Biscoff. Yes. A Biscoff Pop-Tart. Biscoff, Biscoff, Pop-Tart, please. Yeah. I think Pop-Tarts probably go down as the worst thing to start a day. Don't you think?
Starting point is 00:38:09 Yeah. No. Wouldn't you feel awful if you had a Pop-Tart movement? If you had a choice between Pop-Tart or Haddock, what would you have? Haddock. Okay, what about Pop-Tart or a very heavy cake? Probably a Pop-Tart, I guess.
Starting point is 00:38:20 Well, there we go. It's not as bad as a heavy cake. No. I would say in terms of things that are marketed as... Oh, I see, right. A breakfast thing. Yeah. Very heavy cake, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:38:32 Very heavy cake, isn't it? Really heavy cake. Yeah. Right. However, how heavy were you thinking? Like, 1kg. Yeah, that's a heavy cake. That wasn't heavy.
Starting point is 00:38:40 1,000 grams. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big cake. That's a big cake. First big cake of the episode? First big cake there. I'm worried about your secret ingredient because I feel this is a slightly
Starting point is 00:38:49 scattergun approach to this. And I might accidentally... Well, yeah, when you're doing things like throwing Pop-Tarts onto the bread course. Yeah. Yeah, you're in... There's not many foods we haven't mentioned yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:02 I think... Well, your dream starter then. Okay. Can we have a pause in the meal? We'll do a lap. A lap of Marseille and then come back. Yeah. A pause for what?
Starting point is 00:39:15 Well, for order digest. I've eaten so much. Oh, I thought it was like out of respect for... Are you driving... Someone's died. We can... Well, I guess people will have died. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:24 For whichever famous person has recently died. Yes. Are you driving out of the drive-through for the lap front ways or... We have to reverse out because there's people in front of me, I think. No, because you're the only one to reverse in. No, everyone's had...
Starting point is 00:39:35 Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, I don't know. Maybe we'll go up. Maybe there'll be a lift. Straight up. Yeah. Yeah, car lift. You know, that little toy we had to wind the thing
Starting point is 00:39:41 and the lift... Yeah, there's a car lift, yeah. I'll go in one of them. You've been in car lifts in real life? Yes. Very exciting, haven't they? Where... I can't remember, but I definitely remember
Starting point is 00:39:49 being in a car lift. I've been on one where... Oh, at the Euro tunnel, I think, where you... Yes. And it spins you around. I was thinking about the Euro tunnel. I think that's where I've been. Maybe I've been on one there as well.
Starting point is 00:40:00 Maybe this is set in the Euro tunnel. Hmm. No. Not sure there's a drive-through at the Euro tunnel. Yet. You can't really drive through. Yet. First yet of the episode.
Starting point is 00:40:07 I had a 50-pound bet with my friend Tim Henry when we were 18 that there would be a sale through McDonald's by the time we were 50 and I had to pay out last year. It exists. What? Yeah. So, you said no.
Starting point is 00:40:18 You bet against the sale through McDonald's. Tim Henry was the one who was like, there's definitely going to be a sale through McDonald's and you thought, idiot. 24 years later, I paid out. How much was it? 50 pounds. 50 pounds.
Starting point is 00:40:28 50 pounds. And had you stayed friends you and Tim Henry? Yes. Or did Tim Henry had to get back in touch with you and go... We say friends, he's moved to Australia, so I had to wire the money. Yeah. Bax.
Starting point is 00:40:37 Bax. I was thinking of chaps and then I went back in the end. Yeah. Is the chaps in the money? What is chaps? They're sort of cowboy trousers. Oh, right. There's a chaps payment system in there.
Starting point is 00:40:46 Is there? Is there? I think so. Sometimes it says chaps or Bax, doesn't it? What was the conversation between you and Tim Henry when you had to pay him the money? I find you the message. Did he get in touch with you and say...
Starting point is 00:40:58 He got in touch with me from nowhere. Well, no. Because I want to know more about this sale through McDonald's, anyway. Well, I can give you all the answers. There's a lot of questions here. Obviously, I've gone straight into being obsessed with Tim Henry. Yeah, because of his name.
Starting point is 00:41:09 Yes, Tim Henry was in Australia recently. Oh, there you go. Tim Henry's a handsome lad. Yeah. He's that one. Yeah, yeah. I don't know about what's down there. Yeah, he doesn't look like a fucking heron.
Starting point is 00:41:19 Oh, someone at the door. Sorry. Sorry. I'm just going to look for the word sale through in my WhatsApp history. OK. Would it be hyphenated? What about McDonald's?
Starting point is 00:41:29 Oh, yeah. OK. Well, I'm doing sale through. While you're searching it, do you want to tell us what your starter is? Yes. I don't think I can do that, though. I can't do two things.
Starting point is 00:41:36 You can't do them all at once. Right. The amount of things you ask people to do. Unless you want me to say I want sale through for my starter. McDonald's comes up a lot in my WhatsApp. Does it? Yeah. Too much?
Starting point is 00:41:48 No, about right. I really like McDonald's food. You love it. Yeah. Sale through. It might have been a text. How often are you chatting to Tim Henry, though? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:57 Well, I can tell you that. Stats. So surely it's in the Tim Henry chat. The Tim Henry. Yeah. Most people would have found the Tim Henry chat and just scroll rather than search for the term sale through. OK.
Starting point is 00:42:10 I'm just going to scroll. OK. Tim Henry. Oz. When was this? When did you lose the bet? I think it was last year. OK.
Starting point is 00:42:17 Were you checking your bank history? I could do that. Do you want me to do that? Well, no. Keep scrolling on the Tim Henry WhatsApp. Oz. Let's just do this. I bought him some gold shoes.
Starting point is 00:42:26 You bought Tim Henry some gold shoes? Well, what? That was my standard birthday present for a year. Because there was an underground KFC. That's the gold shoes in action. Oh, yeah. I remember when you, yeah, you were buying people gold shoes. I don't believe you did that.
Starting point is 00:42:36 Yeah. Oh, I'm back in 2018 now. Oh, right. OK. So you've sailed past the sale through. Yeah. Benito, you can tell us about the sale through McDonald's, right? Oh.
Starting point is 00:42:44 It's called McBoat. It's called Mc... Oh, I think it was called McBoat. It's in Hamburg. It's in Hamburg. Oh, of course it's in Hamburg. It's in Hamburg. Where else would it be?
Starting point is 00:42:51 Oh. Boat in McBoat, Boat, Boat. Do you remember that? Because Hamburg sounds like hamburger. Yes. Fine. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I do remember Boat in McBoat face.
Starting point is 00:42:59 We need to hear about your starter. Is it McDonald's related? Do you know what Boat in McBoat face got called in the end? No. Because they didn't let it be called Boat in McBoat face. David Attenborough. Oh. And that's the same with his actual name, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:43:09 Yeah. Mrs. Attenborough, what's it called in baby face? Yeah, yeah. He, um... Oh, we can talk about Attenborough if you want. Nice. Let's hear your starter. Okay.
Starting point is 00:43:21 Crisps and dips. Crisps and dips. What kind of crisps? Pringles. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously. Flavour.
Starting point is 00:43:29 Oh, maybe McCoys. And I will have, and also, Tatos. Cheese and onion, or the spring onion one with chives. Yeah. Yeah. Tatos are good. Tatos are good stuff. Tatos are good.
Starting point is 00:43:39 Tatos are good stuff. Tatos are the Tatos. No, I've tried to go to the Tator World. You've got luck. Yeah. Yeah, I've tried to go twice, and it's been shut each time. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:43:46 So I'm going to keep trying. What time did you try and go? Midnight. Yeah. Look at all this. Christmas day. No, the kids want to go, because when you land in Belfast,
Starting point is 00:43:55 it's the main sign you see, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I haven't been, but I'd like to. But yeah, I'll have Christmas tips then, it'll be fine. Let's do a quick World Cup of Chris Muscotts. Yeah. Oh, there's the Tato-Tato, of course.
Starting point is 00:44:07 Pringle Man. Pringle Man. Pringle Man is very, well, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that Pringle Man was the distant cousin of the Monopoly Man. Maybe not that distant. Do people still use the phrase,
Starting point is 00:44:17 never seen them in the same room? Is that still going? I think so. Have you ever seen Mr. Pringle or Mr. Monopoly in the same room? Yeah, a board game party. Have we seen his body, though, Pringle Man? No.
Starting point is 00:44:33 He's only his head, isn't it? Yeah. Like the Games Master. Yeah. Yeah, well, Crichton. Yeah, well, Crichton. Yeah, he's just a floating head. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:41 I can't remember if he has a monocle or not, because now I'm confusing him with Monopoly Man. No, it's mainly just a moustache. I think he's the shape of a Pringle with me. And his name is? He's come up with no more jockeys, Mr. Pringle. Yeah. And he does have a name.
Starting point is 00:44:52 That's why I bought it up. Oh, I can't remember. Because I know that you've googled his name during an episode. I won't remember anything. I don't remember either. Right. Perfect.
Starting point is 00:45:00 Phil Pringle. It was a good name. Derek Pringle. It could be called Derek Pringle. It was a good name. It was a funny name. Yeah. What other Chris mascots are there?
Starting point is 00:45:08 Well, do you remember Branigans? There was The Butcher. Oh, yeah, the Branigans. Oh, Branigans is good. They're good crisps. Yeah, they're not as good anymore. Really? Well, they're not in the paper packets.
Starting point is 00:45:16 I missed the paper packets. The Branigans paper packets. Chunky Hammer Mustard Branigans. Oh, yeah. Roast beef and mustard for me. Well, I'll have all of these. I'll have a crisp spread. That's all right.
Starting point is 00:45:24 This is what Rosie Jones did. Rosie Jones did this. Oh, well, I won't do it then. I'll have crackling. I'll have pork crackling. Can I have pork crackling as my starter please? You can have crackling with the crisps if you want. OK.
Starting point is 00:45:36 Feel like they go on a platter nicely. Cooked by my friend Jules Watson because he made me crackling at the weekend. Just crackling. And it was really nice. Any relation? Yeah. He's got Laura, his wife,
Starting point is 00:45:45 and there's two children, Jake and George. Yeah. Two children, Jake. I was struggling for George for a little bit. Thank God I remember George. Yeah, so I'll have Jules Watson's crackling alongside the crisps. So Jules Watson makes their own crackling at home?
Starting point is 00:45:59 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm quite jealous of Jules Watson. Oh, yeah? Why? Great life? Great cooking. Great life, but he's just a good cook
Starting point is 00:46:07 and he cares about it. I don't care about it enough to make crackling. When you say he made crackling, I'm assuming there was pork attached to the crackling. Yeah, and I witnessed the whole thing. He lifted the lid, the crackling lid off the pork, and he scraped away a layer of fat. Without the bin, annoyingly.
Starting point is 00:46:19 Yeah, don't do that. You love that? Yeah, you do that. You give it to the birds. And then... Yeah, make a little ball. Yeah, make it to a ball. Give it to the birds.
Starting point is 00:46:29 Especially with winter coming, you've got to get ready. You've got to get fat. You've got to get fat. Do you like the pork itself? Or do you...? Yes, I like everything. It doesn't make any difference.
Starting point is 00:46:38 But the crackling is a nice little starter. Yeah, because of the texture. That's why I don't like water, because of the texture. You don't like the texture of water. That's the same... I mean, isn't the same texture as the fanta that you wanted? No. Water has a different texture to an orangeina.
Starting point is 00:46:50 Yes. I guess orangeina's got these little bits of orangeina. And also, it's thicker. Sugary and thick and fizzy. And warmer. And warm... I love warm fanta. No, it's just a different texture.
Starting point is 00:47:02 I don't like the texture of water that much. What if water was crispy? Yeah, I like that. Or steam. Yeah. So you have ice. I love ice and steam. But nothing in between.
Starting point is 00:47:13 I just don't like wet water. I think crackling's a nice addition to this. Yeah, crackling's a nice little starter there. Just crackling not pork scratchings. Now then. It's definitely crackling not pork scratchings. Are there any side effects of this meal? Not if you don't want to.
Starting point is 00:47:28 Do you mean physical side effects? And mental side effects. I think one day someone's going to tell us exactly what's happened with the pork scratchings industry. Right. And then there'll be side effects. Mentally. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:39 What you mean, what's going on there? Yeah. I think they'll go, this is how we did it. And it was just scratching pigs with a bucket underneath. I mean, I think for most people, they've been quite relieved to hear that. Really? That's the process.
Starting point is 00:47:52 Yeah. They're just giving pigs a little scratch. Because the pigs sound like it would quite enjoy that. Yeah. It's quite nice for the pig. It just falls off nice and easy to a bucket. When you mean that life, it was just a bucket of the tree of man scratching a pig
Starting point is 00:48:02 and you've got to eat what he's found. Yeah, they go right. What do you? I wish they'd shave it though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shave the pork scratchings. I do wish they'd shave it. Yeah, you do find some bits.
Starting point is 00:48:16 Yeah. That's, yeah, that's not nice. Still eat them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Proud of it. I'll have one pork scratching, please. One hairless pork scratching. One hairless pork.
Starting point is 00:48:24 One single. How big is it? I'd like it to feel like a chicken nugget. So, size of a chicken nugget. Yeah, the size of a chicken nugget. The size but not the densities. The other is soft like a chicken nugget. I'd like it to be about the same weight.
Starting point is 00:48:38 Because it can be quite light pork scratching. It can be, but sometimes they've got a bit too much fat on them, I find. Sometimes you have the ones that maybe are a bit the consistency of a chicken nugget. They're quite spongy. And I think those ones are horrible. When you expect a bit of give and it's just
Starting point is 00:48:52 a slice straight through, I'll have, I don't mind them. You like them. I'll have one of them. Yeah, but completely hairless. Yeah. Brazilian pork scratching. I think that's not, that would be one little strip of hair. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:03 Oh, yeah, I'm actually, it's nice that we get to talk about this because I'm never actually too sure. People use, you know, people chop and change with their terminology there. Yeah, I can get, I'm quite clean comic, but I sometimes do jokes about Brazilians. So I try to get a big audience to a Mexican wave and then we did a Brazilian wave,
Starting point is 00:49:18 which is just a nice neat one down the middle. It's quite funny. That's quite funny. That's really funny. But it's sort of cheeky and then... Yeah, it's a bit cheeky. So if I, like, I suggested that I was completely hairless, it wouldn't, that joke wouldn't work at all, would it?
Starting point is 00:49:30 No, I guess there are some Brazilians who are hairless. Yeah. So you'd have to say the specific Brazilians. Yeah, yeah. Maybe Fernandinho. What's, what's all of it off then? It'll always steer it over to is actually every of expertise. Yeah, my actual area of expertise is how much
Starting point is 00:49:47 pubic hair Brazilian footballers have. Yeah, he knows that. Your dream main course? My dream main course. Am I ordering it from you or from Ed? I'm the waiter. He's the matriot D. I'm the matriot D, so I'm just here.
Starting point is 00:50:09 Yeah. Well, it's nice of you hanging around. Yes. There are other diners, so feel free to leave us alone. Who? Who are the other diners? It's the drive-through, isn't it? Claire Rainer? Is that a politician?
Starting point is 00:50:19 Claire Rainer. No. Oh, Claire Rainer. She was, well, she was Jay Rainer's mum. Oh, well, she's the first person popped into my head for some reason. She's here. So go talk to Claire. Yes.
Starting point is 00:50:33 I'm going to order from the teeny. Yeah. Hello. Please can I have some pesto pasta, please? Yeah, is that all right? Yeah. Yeah, is that so? From a jar.
Starting point is 00:50:47 What kind of pasta is it? I haven't finished. It's tubes. And just add the boiling water. Eight to 12 minutes, which is quite a wide... They give you a bit of wiggle room there. They do. Do you prefer it eight or 12, which end of the spectrum?
Starting point is 00:51:01 I don't mind. Yeah. Do you like it al dente? Don't mind. Do you ever put that under task? You have eight to 12 minutes. No, exactly. No, I wouldn't do that. Maybe you should start doing that.
Starting point is 00:51:11 Yeah, maybe I should. What, just that's the task? Yeah, but I've been like, you know, you've got to do this. You have half an hour, your time starts now. You have eight to 12 minutes, your time starts now. Yeah, it's quite nice. That's the whole task. Well, that would be something before I had.
Starting point is 00:51:25 But to your taste, yeah. Well, I'll have... I'll go with, yeah, eight to 12 minutes. Do something that takes eight to 12 minutes. You have eight to 12 minutes, your time starts now. Yeah. That's quite... That's good.
Starting point is 00:51:33 I can't write that down. Well, I guess you're recording this. I'll listen to it. Yeah, luckily for you, this is being documented. So, the way I want the chef to cook it, who is the chef? Who do you want it to be? Jay Rainer. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:43 I want him to cook it for eight to 12 minutes. But just using the lid of the... Because this is the only meal I can cook. Okay. So, I want him to drain it with the lid of the pasta. Yes. And some of the pasta will go into the sink. So, you're not using a colander.
Starting point is 00:51:57 No. So, you put... Waste of washing up. The sink pasta goes back in with the normal pasta. The sink pasta goes back in. Don't worry about that. Yeah. Then, you're stirring in the pesto.
Starting point is 00:52:05 Half a jar. You know, the cheap... Yeah. Sackler. Sackler, yeah. Sackler pesto. Sackler pesto. That's good stuff.
Starting point is 00:52:12 Oil. Get all the oil in. Yeah. Then, you're getting some borsam. Four keborsam. Yeah. And you're stirring that in. Then, you're getting one frankfurter.
Starting point is 00:52:20 Slicing it up. No, you're not. You're stirring that in. Alex, you are not doing that. And that is my James 3 meal. But I will also grate some cheddar on top. And stir that in. Cheddar.
Starting point is 00:52:27 And then... Okay. So, I was weirdly very on board with the frankfurter. And then, I jumped off board with the cheddar. Really? Yeah. I would go for... So, you were off board.
Starting point is 00:52:37 You clamored back on board and you're jumping off board again. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like you're having fun. Yeah, I was having a lot of fun. Oh, no, I was denying it. It was really fun. And what year did you graduate from university?
Starting point is 00:52:47 1999. Is this something you used to cook at university? Something I still cook now. Yeah, that's what I mean. But this is a student meal is what this is. It comes from being a student. Yeah. Well...
Starting point is 00:52:55 I associate. Well, yeah, I suppose so. But I'm not a student now and I still cook it. Yeah, but that's what I mean. But this feels like something that you would have cooked as a student. The point Ed's making is you have not progressed. No, no.
Starting point is 00:53:08 Well, Nora's daughter and my dad on Mondays had to cook because Sheila obviously went to choir. Yeah. And we had a mushroom omelet every day for 15 years. Every Monday for 15 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not every day for 15 years. No, every Monday.
Starting point is 00:53:19 Every Monday for 15 years. I don't know. Cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we sometimes put ham in it. But that's all he could cook and all I can do is this. But it's fine. How often are you having pesto pasta
Starting point is 00:53:28 with borsam, frankfurter and cheddar? Not often because Rachel looks after me very well. Yeah. And knows that if she's not there, this is what I'll eat. Yeah. Have you cooked it for your kids before? Yes. And I mean, you can ask them about it.
Starting point is 00:53:41 They were sick. So I'm not allowed to cook them anymore. All I'm allowed to make now is daddy's special pudding. Oh, God. That needs to be rebranded, Alex. Which is, Alex, you can't. Which is going to the biscuit cupboard, getting a biscuit, going to the sweet cup,
Starting point is 00:53:56 getting a few sweets, putting them in the bowl and stirring them up. What? That's daddy's special pudding. What are the sweets? Hang on. Whatever sweets are there. Chew-its, probably.
Starting point is 00:54:03 And what are the biscuits? Again, whatever's there. Digestives. So you put biscuits and sweets in a bowl. And ground up sweets. You grind them. You grind up the biscuits. We'll just sort of pestle them together.
Starting point is 00:54:13 You grind them up together. Yeah. So you grind up Chew-its and Digestives. So it's like a powder. Like a powder with sweets in it. And that's daddy's special pudding. Chunks, rather than powder. But there's no, there's no moisture in there.
Starting point is 00:54:24 No moisture in there. And do they like daddy's special pudding? They don't mind daddy's special pudding. They don't mind it. Well, they just get in the taste of the borsam and cheddar and all the other stuff. Yeah, they were sick. They put too much cheese, they said.
Starting point is 00:54:35 I think two of them were sick. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of, because you've got cheese in the pesto. Cheese in the pesto. Is there cheese in pesto? Yeah, there's parmesan. Yeah. More pacerino.
Starting point is 00:54:43 Borsam. And then borsam. And then the cheddar, obviously. And then obviously the frankfurter as well. Why I want it in the restaurant is that I do cook it for myself, but I'd love to see a chef making it and see if it was... Yeah. You chose a food critic.
Starting point is 00:54:53 Yeah. To make it. Yeah. Is it critic? Yeah, it's a food critic, Jay Rainer. Right. Well, he's going to make it now. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:58 Yeah. Do you think that's what those old people had before they got on the coach? Yeah, probably. Oh, was it two of my time-travelling children in the future? Oh. It's like dark. Let's see if it's dark.
Starting point is 00:55:10 Yeah. I had a doctor called Dark, did I? Heart. Heart. Yeah, that you made up. Dark is a fantastic German TV show, which you can understand without the subtitles. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:20 As long as they're talking about chewing gum. Yeah, so that's the main plot. I think it comes up. I think it comes up. Yeah, there's a lot of chewing gum stuff. This is exactly the sort of thing I would have made when I was a student or in the couple of years after I graduated.
Starting point is 00:55:31 I associate it with Josh Whitcomb. Really? Yes, because when I first met Josh, he was just out of university. And when I'd go to his house to hang out, if he was like, join some food, he would always make pesto pasta. He would just put cherry tomatoes in there with the pesto
Starting point is 00:55:49 and would wolf that down. Yeah. And I'd quite look forward to that. And I remember at that point, see, I hadn't been to university. I hadn't really cooked much for myself at all. So I'd watch Josh making the pesto pasta and go, wow, wow.
Starting point is 00:56:02 Well, it's like culinary. He knows what he's doing. Well, cherry tomatoes is really exotic. Because it's, well, it's a fruit and it's a fruit. It's a double fruit. But it's still a vegetable, surely? Yeah. It's so much of a fruit.
Starting point is 00:56:14 It's a vegetable. It's a vegetable. Yeah, yeah. I don't have pesto, but I used to have it so regularly, pesto pasta. It's delicious. It's good stuff. I mainly use pesto now with the Jamie Oliver salmon recipe
Starting point is 00:56:26 from one of his books. So fill it with salmon, pesto all over it. Oh, dear. And then put loads of green beans and stuff. All up in foil. Put it in the oven. Okay. No, no.
Starting point is 00:56:37 Not enough Frank Fertis in that, is there? No. So I have Frank Fertis because in my university days, I lived with Al Doyle from Hot Chip. And he made nude Fertis every week, which was stirring noodles with that water. And then Frank Fertis. Nude Fertis.
Starting point is 00:56:53 Nude Fertis we've made. Obviously, I was hoping he was going to make Hot Chips, because you never made your Hot Chips. That was as Hot Chip were being formed. Yeah. The original name was Nude Fertis. It was Nude Fertis. To be honest, not a bad name for a band.
Starting point is 00:57:04 Nude Fertis. Oh, also, you mentioned Jamie Oliver. Yeah. You know what I have on the side, which I have a lot now, is Jamie Oliver Sausage Rolls from the service stations. Yeah. They are incredible.
Starting point is 00:57:15 I think they're pork. I think they're pork. I think they might be called a pork roll, instead of a sausage roll. Okay. Okay. It's so good. Is it hot?
Starting point is 00:57:24 Yeah. Would you have, if you had it at the service station, would it be hot though? Yeah. It's in, it's the green, Daily Fresh or something that's called, Jamie Oliver's nice food.
Starting point is 00:57:33 Jamie Oliver's nice food, Daily Fresh. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. It's, it's a cut above the norm, and it's so good. I really recommend it.
Starting point is 00:57:41 Why is it cut above the norm? Oh. I'm really hungry. That's Alex's stomach there. There you go. It's lemon and Jamie Oliver Sausage Rolls. They're so good. Nude Fertis.
Starting point is 00:57:48 It's because they've got Jamie Oliver mentioned everywhere, and it's just, it's really nice. So this would be your side dish. We'd jump in ahead to your side dish here, that you would have your Pesto Pasta, and then on the side of Jamie Oliver Sausage Rolls. I think it would be my second main. Okay.
Starting point is 00:58:01 Interesting. Because there's nothing stopping you having a second main at restaurants. I was discovered recently. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you done that recently in real life, had two mains?
Starting point is 00:58:08 I would have thought so. Yeah. But you can't remember what happened. No, I can't remember getting to a restaurant. Jamie Oliver friend of the show, of course. Friend of the show. Glad to hear Sausage Rolls are good. Been on the show.
Starting point is 00:58:16 Well, he recommended us some pants that really keep my Sausage Rolls up. Are you doing pants now? No, he's just, he just gave us a genuine recommendation. I mean, Fusey has to go back on the pants he wears. I'd imagine he'd wear quite thick pants. Are they thick? No.
Starting point is 00:58:29 Am I not today? Do I have to check if I'm wearing Jamie Oliver pants? Well, I imagine you've got pink pants on. No, there's been a situation there. They've all gone black. What? It's all black now. As in they used to be pink and now they've gone black.
Starting point is 00:58:43 Greg teased me so much. He said you've got to wear black pants. Because they're slimming. I think because he said the older you get, the more likely to be that you'll need black pants. What? Oh, because. Right.
Starting point is 00:58:54 Well, I don't know yet. I'm waiting to discover the reason. I'm guessing he thinks he's going to be dropping drops of piss all over your pants. Oh, I thought it'd be the other one. But yeah. Oh, shitting yourself. I think so.
Starting point is 00:59:03 Those are the exact pants that Greg wears as well. I wear the same pants as Greg now. I know. Alex, you've got to look at that. You've got to examine that. I've got a box of pink pants. But Greg has bullied you into wearing the same pants as him. Black pants.
Starting point is 00:59:16 This is not healthy, Alex. So you've got your two mains. Thank you. Thank you for that, by the way. Thank you for all this. Most welcome. Thanks, guys. This is obviously a Christmas episode.
Starting point is 00:59:34 Clearly. So we'd like to talk to you about what you'd like to eat on Christmas Day, please, Alex. Merry Christmas to you too, Jane. Merry Christmas. Don't often say Merry, except for Christmas time. No. That's true.
Starting point is 00:59:43 Merry birthday. Merry birthday. Merry birthday. Merry Easter. Pardon? Pardon? What do you like to eat on Christmas Day? Christmas Day.
Starting point is 00:59:52 What's your favourite? What do you look forward to? We have Bucks Fizz in the morning. Thanks to Sheila. No one likes it. I don't think anyone in the world likes it, do they? Do you not like it? It's like a booty-ironed Gina.
Starting point is 01:00:04 I suppose it is on the surface, but it's got that claggy taste. First thing in the morning. You're sort of shaking yourself to weight yourself. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's what Sheila's doing. Sheila's treating me like an orangina bottle. I'll have it for the tradition's sake.
Starting point is 01:00:18 Then we'll go a bit rogue. Scampionships. Wow. Now, what are you talking about? For breakfast. Oh, for breakfast? No, for mains. Well, I have scampionships and crackers.
Starting point is 01:00:28 For your Christmas dinner, you have scampionships. It's not every year, in fact, not any year. But I would like it if this is a fantasy. Well, otherwise, I'm just having turkey, aren't I? Yeah. You don't want me to say turkey, do you? Well, we want you to say what you genuinely have for Christmas Day. That's interesting, though.
Starting point is 01:00:43 That's an interesting point. It's what you genuinely have. It's boring. But if you don't like it. I like it, but it's boring, isn't it? I'll have turkey with all the trimmings. What we will have, the interesting bits, are pineapple. We have a pineapple after the turkey.
Starting point is 01:00:55 You really can't stay away from pineapples, can you? Well, this is why I've got a pineapple tattoo, is because every Christmas we have a game where grandpa, we all have to guess how many leaves are on the top of the pineapple, and then grandpa peels them. And it was a trader before. Now it's Hugh, the grandpa, and soon it'll be me. Has to, not soon.
Starting point is 01:01:12 At some point, it'll be me. Yeah. And everyone puts in money and guesses how many leaves there are on a pineapple. Puts in money? Yeah, everyone puts in. There used to be 20 piece, an hour pound. Inflation. And the winner gets the money.
Starting point is 01:01:21 How many leaves do you think will be on the pineapple? It's a sort of eight to 12 minute situation. Yeah, I'd guess nine. Too low. Nine? Seven. I mean, look at it. Oh my God, yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:34 But that is, you showed me the tattoo, which is a cartoon pineapple. It will be, that's way more leaves than would be on a pineapple. Often triple figures. Yeah, but I mean, the pineapple. Triple figures. Triple figures. They keep them coming. Really?
Starting point is 01:01:44 Yeah. No pineapple has over 100 leaves on top. Nearly all pineapples have over 100 leaves on top. What? You sure it's a pineapple that you're doing this with? I know a lot about pineapples. I went to Bolivia to see them being grown on the floor. They grow on the floor.
Starting point is 01:02:00 One pineapple a year pops out. Bolivia grow one pineapple a year. What? Each pineapple plant, one pineapple comes out. Next year, another pineapple out the top of that. You have to slice the top off and plant that. Well, of course. Mad.
Starting point is 01:02:12 When you do Taskmaster. If? No, we have done it. We've done it? Yeah. You can't take that back. Really? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:19 I was going to ask you guys at the end of the podcast, if you wanted to do it. Ed won. You get given a pineapple plant as a gift. Of course you do. What? And so far, I've killed two pineapples. Yeah, me too.
Starting point is 01:02:31 They're very hard to keep alive. Excuse me? Yeah. It's a new thing because it's a new, it's a channel full. No, he didn't do it. It's those days. I didn't get given a fucking pineapple plant. Hey, you're not.
Starting point is 01:02:39 Hey. Did you not? Just wait, you will. I've been given two. I get given nothing. You didn't win. You must have been given a pick. No, but we all got pineapples in our series.
Starting point is 01:02:47 You must have been given a picture of one of your best moments framed. Lots of these are new developments. You made that one up. No, genuinely haven't. Really? I've got a framed picture of me sitting next to Alex Dress as the mermaid.
Starting point is 01:02:59 Are you joking me? Yeah, but you guys got paid. I'm too serious behind him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think Vicky came on board after. These are a lot of these are Vicky's developments. Yeah, Vicky's great. Well, retroactively, you should give us something.
Starting point is 01:03:12 Did you have Vicky in your series? No. That's it. Yes. Well, look, Christmas is all about pineapples for me, honestly. That game is great. And I promise you the time.
Starting point is 01:03:20 But you have to keep them. They get quite small. Yeah. And then there's arguments about what is what is the leaf? The thing is, this is not an insult. It sounds like something you would make up. The granddad has to peel all the pineapple. I promise there's not.
Starting point is 01:03:32 And also other people play the game we've discovered since. What? I've mentioned this before. It's a sort of old tradition. I promise it is. And we go to the pineapple pub, obviously, for my birthday every year. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:42 So I love pineapples. And also, and this is true, and this will sound like I'm making it up, one time Will from the horn section, he's a vegetarian, went to a late night kebab van. We were all queuing up. He asked for a pineapple juice,
Starting point is 01:03:53 and they gave him a pie and an apple juice. Pineapple juice. And that's true. I love that game. And my last thing for Christmas dinner is after eights, because they like after eights, because they're nice. But they come in little envelopes, each one.
Starting point is 01:04:11 Sleeves. And in the horn section tour, we used to do a section where people in the audience put things on the stage at halftime that we would laminate the best thing in the second half with some slow music, because it went through the laminator. And one person put in an after eight,
Starting point is 01:04:25 someone else put in a condom, and we swapped them around and put the condom in the after eight wrapper, and the after eight in the condom wrapper, and they fit perfectly. Oh, that's nice. That's satisfying. Yeah, really, it's like one of those perfect fit things you get on.
Starting point is 01:04:38 Yeah, that's great. And did you give those to the audience member? I think, no, I think what I did was something horrible, which I think I got the condom packet, and then took the after eight out of it and ate it. I think something like that, I imagine. Well, there we go. You will eat anything.
Starting point is 01:04:52 Eat anything, doesn't care. Is that what you want for a Christmas dinner then, an after eight in the condom wrapper? Did you put the after eight on your knob? And now I'm the opposite there. I put anything in my mouth and nothing on my gentlemen's face. Apart from whatever Greg Davis tells you to do. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:05:07 Can we make sure you'll absolutely do it in a heartbeat? Yes, that's true. Yeah. If Greg Davis said put an after eight on your knob, you'd be right there. It will be, yeah, it will be there permanently. You have to do it, Alex, because you're a certain age now.
Starting point is 01:05:16 It's too minty. It'd be like using that original source shower gel, wouldn't it? It would be. Yeah, tingles. Yeah. Nice tingles then. No, so the original source sometimes I get out of the shower and I'm like, especially on a cold day.
Starting point is 01:05:28 Have we done the horseradish one? No, not done the horseradish. It's pretty good. The jalapeno one? Yeah. Mustard mouthwash, they do. Well, that's good that you're playing the pineapple game, so you get out.
Starting point is 01:05:39 Do you then eat the pineapple at the end of the pineapple game? No. Cheela slices it up and I think it sits in the fridge for a bit, and no one wants pineapple. Do you not like the taste of pineapple? But you're obsessed with pineapple. You don't like eating it. I don't like the taste of it.
Starting point is 01:05:48 No, I don't really like it. It's too acidic. So when does the obsession come with it? Why are you going and watching it be grown in Bolivia or wherever? And then watch it be grown. I just, I think, well, I did watch it be grown, I suppose, but it wasn't there. I didn't sit and watch it.
Starting point is 01:06:01 I wandered around. You didn't go to Bolivia for the pineapple? Not only that. But you went to watch a pineapple? Yeah, we diverted. We went specifically to a pineapple fair. You got a pineapple tattoo. You play a pineapple game on Christmas.
Starting point is 01:06:15 You made pineapples a huge part of your TV show, but you don't like eating pineapples. Not really, no. I don't think I like eating pineapples. A roasted pineapple. Very nice. One of our catchphrases at school was, it has no business on the pizza about pineapples.
Starting point is 01:06:27 About not that. It has no business on the pizza. One of your catchphrases at school? Yeah, the other was, what was the biology teacher called? Top it up. Top it up. He was called Dr. Top It Up, because he'd always say about the test tubes, just top it up.
Starting point is 01:06:42 So to top it up. But I think his nickname was Feetus, because he looked like Feetus. But anyway, his catchphrase was top it up. Dr. Feetus, top it up. Oh, God. Dr. Feetus, top it up. Well, I think that covers Christmas.
Starting point is 01:06:51 Yeah, that's very, very festive. I love that pineapple game. It's a good game. Yeah. And it's a bit of a calm as well. Everyone has to sit and watch him count. You shouldn't play that, Ed. No.
Starting point is 01:06:59 You shouldn't play any games. No. You need to shit yourself earlier, because you thought that that was a task we had to do. I would do that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you would instantly. It's like guessing marbles in a jar. That's the ultimate task, really.
Starting point is 01:07:09 Yeah. And leaves on a pineapple. Oh, oh dear. It got very summer, didn't it? I had a question for Ed. Ah, right. Right, do you want me to ask it? Or do you want me to ask it?
Starting point is 01:07:19 Yes. Do you want me to ask it? Okay, do you want to mouth it and I'll do it? Okay. If you had to dress up at someone at Christmas, which member of the family would you dress up as? Well, the two of those words are right. Christmas, I'd imagine is one of those words.
Starting point is 01:07:33 Yeah, yeah, and family. And family, yeah. When you play board games at Christmas, what's with your family? How competitive do you get? Ah, probably my grandma and Veri. Wig? Yes.
Starting point is 01:07:45 Yeah. She's not along with her, seeing this, so that might be a bit weird. That'd be nice, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be nice, yeah. I don't really, we don't really play board games at Christmas. Scrabble normally.
Starting point is 01:07:58 Yeah. When my grandma was still alive, it would be Scrabble, Me, my grandma. Yeah. But they throw down in Scrabble, so there's no chance of me winning, so I'm not competitive. You're kind of no going in.
Starting point is 01:08:07 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice to know going in. Yeah. I had an insane game of Scrabble recently with my brother-in-law, Eddie, who might be listening to this. And he played the rule that you can't have, say if you've got the word live,
Starting point is 01:08:18 and I want to put L-I-V-E, I want to put an S on the end, and then put sausage. Yeah. He says, no, you've got to use the existing letters of life. You can't add to life. That's not true. You wouldn't put an O in the front.
Starting point is 01:08:29 That's half the joy of Scrabble is adding new letters on stage. And we eventually had to say, well, we've all got different rules for Scrabble. In my head, I'm thinking yours are not the right rules. Yeah, yeah. That is one of the rules of Scrabble that you can do that. I know. Could you not just Google it and show him?
Starting point is 01:08:41 I didn't want to. Because then... It felt like then I was real power play. Yeah. So if you're listening, Eddie, I'm sorry, but I think you were wrong on that. Yeah. Then you could add toque, and it'd be livestock.
Starting point is 01:08:51 Exactly. That's, yeah, like you say, that's... Yeah. You could have put an A in the front and had sausage. Oh, livestock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say a sausage? No, just sausage,
Starting point is 01:08:59 because you can start above the lettuce, can't you? Oh, right. But ten and then an S on the end. Ten sausages. Ten sausages. That sounds Scrabble-worthy. Your dream side dish. Right, guys.
Starting point is 01:09:18 I feel like we've done some quite inappropriate content here. So I'm going to suggest something that I've only had once, and I really liked it, but I don't think it's the right thing to order here. Okay. But do you mind if I order it anyway? I think you must. I'm intrigued.
Starting point is 01:09:31 It's the waif as you get at church. You know, genuinely, when you said we've done some quite inappropriate content, so I'm going to order something here, and I was about to just say body of Christ as you go. Were you? Yeah. Well, I've had it once, and I didn't mind it.
Starting point is 01:09:42 Yeah. And I wouldn't have minded it another. Yeah. But you can't... You can't go around again. You can't go around again. You can't join the back of the queue again, can you? That's the problem.
Starting point is 01:09:50 But also, if we're saying this is a safe space where people won't complain, I'm just ordering the physical thing. I'm not interested in what it represents or what it actually is in the country. And my wife is Catholic, and their family are all Catholic, and I really respect the faith. But on this occasion, just...
Starting point is 01:10:05 You must be able to buy that stuff. Oh, I'm sure you can buy that stuff, because I was at Funeral recently, and it was a Catholic funeral, and they came and did the wave in the orb about with the smoke coming out, and that smells brilliant. And I was thinking, where do you buy that stuff?
Starting point is 01:10:22 Yeah. Well, look, if we're saying this is fine, I'm going to have that, but I'll have it flavoured. Very salty. Nice and spicy. It's basically a holy Pringles, isn't it? Nice and spicy, like knickknacks. Do you think they come in like Pringles tubes,
Starting point is 01:10:38 and it's the Pringles guy, but he's got a gold colour on it? No, but I mean, I think this... I might have to give you another option, because there's a chance that my family will decide me. Your family will decide you for what body of Christ is your side dish? It's not body of Christ. You just want the wafer.
Starting point is 01:10:50 I just want the wafer. No, I think it's fine. Yeah, I think it's fine. Whatever that stuff is. A Pringles guy could do with body of Christ. He ain't got a body of Christ. If he's got the head. It'd be great for him.
Starting point is 01:11:00 Yeah, it would be perfect. Imagine the Pringles guy's head on Jesus. Well, yeah. Well, I've won that as long as it's no disrespect caused. No, you can say you like the taste of it. I think it's a compliment. Okay. Taste goes...
Starting point is 01:11:12 I mean, I'm driving what the drink's going to be. Everyone needs a way into the faith. You like the taste of the wafers. Yeah, I'll order that in the most tasteful way. How many of them? Just a couple. Two. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:11:23 I hate it when people say a couple, three. Do you? Yeah. A couple, two. A couple, two. A few is three. A few is three. A few upwards.
Starting point is 01:11:29 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll have a couple. Yeah. A couple. I don't think I've ever had one. Ah. Because I didn't do communion.
Starting point is 01:11:36 Do you think we not invited to my wedding? No. James was? No. I wasn't. Were you? No, so it was only after Vicky came in that people started getting invited.
Starting point is 01:11:47 I got married a long time ago before we'd met. We were only 25 or something. Yeah. Yeah, you're a young man. But it was an ecumenical service. So you could come up and get a blessing if you wanted, but people didn't really know how that worked. So ended up being given it.
Starting point is 01:11:58 Yeah, so the blessing you need to cross your arms on the way up, right? Yeah, like the same as if you're in an emergency situation. Or you're about to go down a big water slide. Yeah. Yeah. Those are the three. That's scary.
Starting point is 01:12:07 You've got to cross your ankles as well. Yeah. Must cross your ankles. About all three in this situation. Yeah. Can we guess who was at your wedding? Comics-wise. Well, just people in general.
Starting point is 01:12:18 We can just go back and forth guessing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until someone makes a mistake. Brilliant. Great game. There was a 200-strong crown to that. This is a great game. New Year's Day, hungover in Ireland.
Starting point is 01:12:26 Go. Okay. Oh, you want me to start? You can go first. Oh, we can cross the coin if you want. All right. Just start. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:12:32 Anyone got a coin? No. Of course not. It's 2022. Cross the BM out. Cross that. That's heads. Because it's sticking out a bit.
Starting point is 01:12:39 Heads or tails? Heads. It's tails. Of course it's tails. Fair enough. Mark Watson. Correct. Best man?
Starting point is 01:12:48 Not even nearly. Okay. No, he wasn't in the frame, but we didn't know each other that well. Now I'd be in the frame. Don't you have any more clues? Tim Key. Correct. Also not best man, but did a reading
Starting point is 01:12:57 and really tried to not make it funny, but had to mention my dead grandfather. So we know he wasn't there. Okay. Good. Thank you. I've got more than one. Tim Henry.
Starting point is 01:13:09 Oh. Oh, it's a big swing. He was at the... Is this an early exit? He was at the stag. He might have moved to Australia by that point. Oh, dear me. Can we say we're not sure?
Starting point is 01:13:19 He would have been invited. He's not sure. But that means if I get this one wrong, the game carries on because... Okay. Yeah. Sheila Horne. Sheila Horne.
Starting point is 01:13:28 Wearing a hat. What the fuck am I doing? First time she'd ever worn a hat. Oh, yeah? And she went for a jockey's helmet. Because it was... Big day. Well, the transport from wedding to venue was horseback.
Starting point is 01:13:42 I didn't match her outfit. No, this is trickier now, actually. Oh, carry on. Yeah. It's quite tricky. Don't know the name of Alex's dad. I have mentioned it, have you? You said it earlier.
Starting point is 01:13:53 Yeah. But I don't think it was Norm. Norm Horne. Norm Horne. And now I'm thinking at this point when you got married, were you back in... Because of the horn section, you knew them all growing up.
Starting point is 01:14:03 But I don't know if this would have been a period of time where you weren't really hanging out and then you got them back to form a band with them. But I'm going to say Mark Brown. Oh, so unlucky. Not known to me at that point. I had met, but not known. So I've got...
Starting point is 01:14:16 If I get this right, I won the game. Yeah, I think it's... Rachel Horne. She won the guest at the wedding. Was that her name? Oh, yeah, it wasn't the name. Well, yeah. But now, now it is.
Starting point is 01:14:25 And for some of the wedding, it was. It was a cheap shot, Ed. Yeah. Correct, Ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With horrible fashion. He's played a blinding. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:14:40 Dream drink. Yes. We've had the Fanta slash Orangeade. Yeah. So now I'm going to go for a combination drink. Yeah. We're going to have the liquid from a moul mariner. Stir it in with some bread sauce.
Starting point is 01:14:56 Because they're the two nicest liquids in the world. Yeah. I've seen you drink beer, though, in the past. Yeah, but it's because you can't often get what I want. I always ask for it. So do you have any moul mariner juice? Mixed with bread sauce. Mixed with bread sauce.
Starting point is 01:15:07 No, because this is a fancy restaurant, and that's why I'd always wanted to have a cup. Maybe with some Baileys. So this is our second Christmas episode of this year. Well, you've done that wrong. We do two Christmas episodes every year. Do you? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:15:19 Who's in the other one? Mel. My God, right. When you've done it right. Mel also chose to drink bread sauce at one point. Really? Yeah. Not for her drink drink.
Starting point is 01:15:27 Not for her drink drink. For her Christmas dinner. The bread sauce is great. I don't understand it. My wife had it the first time at my house, our first Christmas together when Sheila made it, and she couldn't believe it. She said, this is going to be horrible, and she loves it.
Starting point is 01:15:40 Well, it sounds mad. If you've never heard of bread sauce, bread sauce. You think that's butter? It's crazy. Well, your wife must have thought, you know, being a Catholic, it was liquid body of Christ. The bread sauce. You do call it bread sometimes, don't you?
Starting point is 01:15:53 But it's definitely not bread. Yeah. Is that what you broke first of all at the last supper? What, he didn't have those wafers on hand? No. He was like, but you broke the bread and said, eat this and remember this for me as my body. I've got huge regrets for ordering that in the restaurant.
Starting point is 01:16:06 Yeah? But you're okay with a more marinier and bread sauce combination. Yeah, this disgusting, slop that you've just invented. Don't call it slop, please. How are you consuming in like, sort of a pewter tankered in a mug like a cup of tea, because it's obviously a hot drink.
Starting point is 01:16:20 An engraved pewter tankered. An engraved pewter tankered. What does it, what's the engraved? I didn't have it, it's hot though. You want cold bread, well, that's congealed if it's cold. Not if it's stirred through the mumur and the air juice. But cold. So you'd rather have it cold.
Starting point is 01:16:33 It's a drink. You don't have hot drinks. Do you? You're fine. Yeah, cold in the tankered, and I'll have the engraving of the date that I'm eating this. Okay. Big letters.
Starting point is 01:16:45 Yeah. Fully spelt out. Big letters. Oh, we're not doing numbers. No numbers. No, no, no. The 5th of December. And then we're right out 2022.
Starting point is 01:16:54 Yeah. Do you imagine it coming out of a tap? Like a pint. No. Pre-mixed, or do you want to? No, Rain is making it. Jay. So he still has a shit.
Starting point is 01:17:04 Jay Rain is making it. Yeah, so he's got a vat of mumur in the air, ditching the mussels, putting them back in the sea, and then confusing the mussel population. And then, yeah, just big vat of that, bubbling away. Then bread sauce goes in.
Starting point is 01:17:17 Gloga Baileys. Put it in the freezer. So we are having a Gloga Baileys. Yes, we are. Baileys is going in there. Baileys is going in there. Into it. Is it still Christmas?
Starting point is 01:17:24 Mm-hmm. Not yet. Yes. But it can be. Yeah. Well, it's whatever you want. It's on the 5th of December. It says so on the cup.
Starting point is 01:17:30 Yeah, yeah. So it's a prelude to Christmas. Yeah, and then it goes in the freezer for two weeks. No, one week. One day. How long does it take to get cold? A day. Well, then it's frozen.
Starting point is 01:17:39 Then you're having a frozen... Room temperature I want. Right. Put it in a room. Perfect. Put it in a room. And then when it's the same temperature as the room, I'll drink it.
Starting point is 01:17:46 Yeah, lovely. You won't give it a little stir. I will give it a little stir. I think it'd be quite curdled. I think the Baileys might curdle, saying the bread sauce or the moat. I won't look at it. I will not look at it.
Starting point is 01:17:55 But do you feel that going down? Oh, I'll tell you what I do like. As well. It's a Coke float. You'll have the consistency of a Coke float. Yeah. Right. Sure, it was going to go.
Starting point is 01:18:05 The Baileys will float to the top. Yeah. Oh, bitty. Bit scubby. Yeah. But it will feel good in your tummy. And that's the point. And that's why we're all here.
Starting point is 01:18:13 The thing is, I think you're in danger of people demanding that you actually do this for real and drink it because you will. I don't want that. You would do this? I would long to do this. I really liked moonware and the air juice. And I really like bread sauce.
Starting point is 01:18:26 And I really like Baileys. Yeah. And I never understand the idea that if you like things, they mix them together. They suddenly don't like them. Like, when is that ever true? When? Or like, oh, it looks.
Starting point is 01:18:36 Well, this now, for example. As a child, I liked milk and orange juice. I mixed them together once. It tasted so disgusting that I hid under the table. Orange milkshake? You don't get orange milkshake, do you? No. You hid under the table?
Starting point is 01:18:47 Yeah. For how long? Uh, not that long, but like enough that it's me on my own in the kitchen, but like, I hated it so much that I just hid under the table. You just couldn't believe the world. I went under the table. I went under the table.
Starting point is 01:18:55 It's such a horrible thing. It's confusing for a child. I don't think I'm hiding under the table after drinking this. No. I think you might be climbing on the table. I think we're going to have to sort out some situation where you drink it and we film it, to be honest. Yeah, it sounds like you do.
Starting point is 01:19:13 So we arrive at your dream dessert. It's been a mad journey so far. Yeah, interestingly, James, James said to me yesterday, I wonder whether Alex will, because we knew, you know, you don't have the best taste in food. I wonder whether Alex will tell us genuinely what he wants, or whether he'll do something quite, quite weird. And you've done somehow both.
Starting point is 01:19:33 See, I just agree with your best tasting. I don't have good taste in food. It's like music, isn't it? You like what you like, and it's my taste. So music-wise, it's royal bison. And I had four years when I only had the best of royal bison in my car and listened to it every single day. Yeah, it's good.
Starting point is 01:19:47 It's got a lovely voice. The big O. So for pudding, I'm having a Mars bar. And I think it's the nicest pudding. And at my wedding, I was arguing for Mars bars to be handed out, because I think everyone would have been so happy. As body of Christ. Not during the service, as pudding, after the meal.
Starting point is 01:20:05 So I'll have a Mars bar. And then we go home. So no DSP? Oh, we're coming back from home. And we're having a DSP. Yeah, we're having a DSP. What's a DSP? Daddy's Special Pudding.
Starting point is 01:20:14 Daddy's Special Pudding? No, I don't eat the Daddy's Special Pudding. No, you wouldn't eat it. That's disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'll just have a Mars bar. Just a Mars bar. They're the nicest food.
Starting point is 01:20:24 Normal size Mars bar, not a king size or anything. No, normal size Mars bar, whatever the old size was. I don't think they had sizes in the old days. Definitely not a fun size. Got what you were given. Well, maybe we'll have a fun size, but it's fun as in much bigger than normal. Right, yeah.
Starting point is 01:20:37 That always used to annoy me. Yeah, so a fun size Mars bar, and then asterisk as in much bigger. Out the fridge or room temp? I think room temp. Otherwise it's too hard. And I'll have to eat it on the left side of my mouth, otherwise my right tooth starts hurting.
Starting point is 01:20:50 Yeah, OK. So room temp. I'll be the dentist about that sort of. I did have a little, maybe three years, having the Mars ice creams. Yeah. I really liked them. I mean, I think they are so superior to the normal Mars bar.
Starting point is 01:21:01 You'll get through that. Fatih El Gory came on the podcast and chose Mars ice cream as a dessert. And as far as I understand it, she received a very positive reception from the general public. Yeah. But they're probably not very old,
Starting point is 01:21:13 but your general public, they will get through it. It's a phase, is it? Yeah. More practical wise, you can't just always have a Mars ice cream in your car. How often are you eating a Mars bar? Once a month.
Starting point is 01:21:25 So it's not Greg who's convinced you to do this, is it? No, this is me. This is me. Full moon Mars bar. Because you know Greg ate 97 Mars bars during lockdown one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I do know that. Because every, before the taskmaster recorded,
Starting point is 01:21:38 he's used to ask the audience, how many do you think I've eaten? Yeah. It was always over 97. Yeah. They said, he kept saying, look at me, how many do you think I've eaten? And they would say, what, 200?
Starting point is 01:21:48 And then he'd get so upset. Yeah. Confused. But he'd do it again next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then someone got it right, and he said, I'll give you a prize if you get it right. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:21:56 And someone got it right. And he said, well, you've cheated clearly and got quite cross. He had seven in one day once. Yeah. No, I don't have them that often. But I just, you know, if you go to a newsagents
Starting point is 01:22:08 and you're going to pick something, you'll pick a Mars bar, won't you? Is there anything I would, you know? No. Kick that chunky. Well, that's not as nice. Well, it is. It's the best chocolate bar.
Starting point is 01:22:17 Why is it? Sometimes I'm having a Ritter Sport. I'm a girl by Ritter Sport. It's a Ritter Sport. The square ones from Germany. Lots of different flavours. I think I only see Mars bars. I filmed something once with a TV thing,
Starting point is 01:22:29 did it for a week. At the end of it, one of the presenters had bought a Ritter Sport for one of the camera men. And she got it out of her bag and went, I got you this. And then we just happened that everyone turned round and looked as it was happening. And someone went, oh, not getting everyone Ritter Sports, just him.
Starting point is 01:22:47 And then she went, got so embarrassed. And it's the most embarrassed. I've seen anyone get over anything that small. She was absolutely, she was like, oh, no, she panicked. Absolutely panicked. Well, it's weird to get one camera man of Ritter Sport. Yeah, I saw another story behind it. She was so embarrassed that no one dared drill it
Starting point is 01:23:03 any further with that. Yeah. But it was like, why'd he got that? And when we came on saying it was me and Gus Kahn, so I said, Gus didn't let it go. So all day he was going like, yeah, why'd he got a Ritter Sport? The best of us ever got a Ritter Sport.
Starting point is 01:23:15 Oh, I like air rows. Yeah. Yeah. I'll have an air row. Well, hold on. No, you should have a Mars. If you want a Mars, you have a Mars. Well, you were so negative about it.
Starting point is 01:23:22 No, not negative about it. But you know, this is, we got to question these things. Otherwise, it'd be a five minute podcast. It's different to a normal restaurant this. Yes, it is. Every Sunday after rugby, I'd have a Mars bar. Does that make you feel better? I feel very happy.
Starting point is 01:23:34 Yeah. I used to have a bag of front sized Mars bars in the fridge when I was growing up. Big ones or small ones? Small ones, normal, normal fun size. Otherwise, they wouldn't fit in the fridge. Yeah. Because these guys are big.
Starting point is 01:23:42 Yeah. They can't fit in the fridge. You know what I really liked? It was dark chocolate Mars bars. Oh my God. I don't even remember them. They were limited out for a bit. I loved them.
Starting point is 01:23:51 Outside centre? Outside. No, were you at outside centre in the rugby game? Or a winger? I was a winger to begin with. And then in the final year, I quit when I was 13. But in that final year, they moved me to one of the props or something in the scrum.
Starting point is 01:24:10 Why are they doing that? Clear me. But that was weirdly my best year. But then I quit because I didn't like anyone else in the rugby team. No. No. I didn't like the general.
Starting point is 01:24:17 But you did like the Mars bars. I loved the Mars bars and the kind of mountain view after rugby practice. Raisins after swimming. Raisins after swimming. A little pack of sun-made raisins after swimming. See, this is my issue with the raisin sandwich thing because they come in such small boxes.
Starting point is 01:24:30 You're going to have to open maybe five to six boxes to fill your sandwich. You can get fun sized boxes of raisins. Yeah. That's real fun. I find a Mars bar a bit claggy. I'll say it. Really?
Starting point is 01:24:38 Which is why I prefer a Mars ice cream or a Mars bar from the fridge. You need to say I'll say it and then say the thing. OK. I'll say it. I find a Mars bar a bit claggy. Otherwise you have to say I've said it. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:48 I have said it. I just said that. I just said a Mars bar is a bit claggy. Of course they're claggy. That's what you like, is it? Yeah. You like the clag? Claggy, so I've got bad press.
Starting point is 01:24:57 I don't mind claggy. All the best foods are claggy. I think all my meals have been claggy, isn't it? Well, it includes your drinks somewhere. Yeah. Claggy. I'll have a claggy meal. If there's a restaurant called Clag,
Starting point is 01:25:07 and it's a big if, I'll be there every day. Bring your own bowl? I'll bring a bowl, if that's the system. I mean, if you've gone with claggy, you might as well go with bring your own bowl. Yeah, yeah. Regent, bend your back to you now. See how you feel about it?
Starting point is 01:25:20 Right. Watercourse. You would like orangeina. Pop it on with your bread. A slice of mighty white medium sliced with butter, shrimp premula, sliced cheese, and a side of gluten with riba-flavin and a biscoff pop top. Starter, a crisp platter with dips,
Starting point is 01:25:40 and Jules Watson's pork crackling. One hairless pork scratching. Main course, pene pasta with pesto, borson, frankfurter, and cheddar. Second main course, Jamie Oliver's pork roll. Christmas, Bucksfizz, turkey with all the trimmings, play the pineapple game, and an after eight in a condom.
Starting point is 01:26:00 Side dish, a couple of nice and spicy communion wafers. Drink, mules marinere, juice with bread sauce, and a clog of Baileys. Dessert, a Mars bar. Yeah, okay. No, it is. Wow, seeing it written down brings it to life. It really brings it to life, yeah.
Starting point is 01:26:19 How are you feeling about that? I'm pretty pleased with my choices. Yeah. I don't know if I can call them choices. I mean, I'd have a side of fries if it's not too late. Well, I think you got the communion wafers. Yeah, we won't have to. No, I'm happy with all those things.
Starting point is 01:26:32 Yeah. There's a few surprises along the way. Yeah, it's a long meal. It's not an easy meal. Well, it's a drive-through as well, remember? Yeah. Kill all the people behind me, because I've already reversed it and then I've ordered that.
Starting point is 01:26:45 Well, that could be furious. Don't forget, every time they start to pull up to the window, you've done your lap in your back again. Yeah, and I'm struggling to do this in French. Yeah. Yeah, it's not easy for them. Well, I'm trying to order it in German, but we're in France. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:26:57 Yeah. Well, it's been a great occasion. Yes. Great celebration. And the episode with a Christmas message from you to the... Yeah, I don't mind mentioning Yuletide. So, have a great Yuletide, everyone. Yuletide, yeah.
Starting point is 01:27:12 Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Alex Horn. Thank you, Alex. There we are. Yeah. What a terrible menu, as expected, but a lovely chat. Yes. Yes, I mean, revolting. Lovely to find out about some background figures in Alex Horn's life.
Starting point is 01:27:33 Yeah. Sheila Horn, Tim Henry. Tim Henry. Obviously, I love Tim Henry. Yeah. I couldn't stop saying it, couldn't stop bringing him up. Tim Henry. Look, it was a disgusting menu.
Starting point is 01:27:42 I think I would have welcomed some of his beard on that. Yeah, it would have been a blessed relief. Yeah. There's a lot of things on there that were secret ingredients in the past. There's even something on there that he mentioned that inspired us to put it as a secret ingredient in a different episode. Yes. Yeah, absolutely.
Starting point is 01:27:57 So, like, it's a disgusting menu. Wouldn't have been out of place for him to just chuck his beard in there, but he didn't. So, he remains in the restaurant. He didn't. He didn't have that, which was, of course, in his exotic sandwich. Yes. And we had melon last week.
Starting point is 01:28:09 We also ate the own exotic sandwich. Which, obviously, I'd much rather eat that exotic sandwich. I mean, I wish I'd got that task on Taskmaster. Making an exotic sandwich. I'd put loads of chocolate in the sandwich, and they said, eat it. I'd be delighted. Why did Alex have to eat his own beard?
Starting point is 01:28:24 It's a good question. I think it's because it was Noel Fielding. And he fed it to Alex. And he's just going to be like, I ain't doing that. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. Um, actually, now I think of it. I think Noel did eat it.
Starting point is 01:28:36 Oh. Now I think of it. I think Noel ate the exotic sandwich. Interesting. Well, we based it all on a lie. Never mind. Alex didn't eat his own beard, but it's still, I mean, it's still… It's still a secret ingredient.
Starting point is 01:28:45 I think it's still a good secret ingredient. And he still didn't say it. He didn't say it. It's still food. Food's food, isn't it? Food's food. And someone ate it once. So we can put it as a secret ingredient.
Starting point is 01:28:54 Food's food in the end. Thank you very much to Alex for coming on. It was a wonderful episode. Merry Christmas to you. Don't forget to watch the Horn Section television show on all four. That's all available now. All six episodes, I believe. And do keep an eye out for the Taskmaster New Year's treat,
Starting point is 01:29:12 where they have non-comedians, people from the world of entertainment, sport and music. They have them on to do one episode of Taskmaster. And I believe there is another one of those coming very soon. It's always a treat. That's the last of our Christmas episodes. There will be, hopefully, a roundup of the year off-menu. Best of.
Starting point is 01:29:30 Yearly best of roundup that Benito always has to put himself through. Poor guy. It takes him 50 years to edit. Usually the only episode that I'm guaranteed to listen to all year as well. I just catch up on all the highlights just to make sure the podcast is being recorded and put out there because I wouldn't know otherwise. It's normally about three hours long. And I cook while I listen to that.
Starting point is 01:29:50 Clean the house or clean the house? Yeah. Clean the house after Christmas. Put it on. Walk around laughing at myself. Yeah. No one else. I don't laugh.
Starting point is 01:29:58 Never me. Don't laugh at Ed on it and I don't laugh at the guests. No, never. Thank you very much for listening. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas time. However you may celebrate it. We love you very much. Goodbye.
Starting point is 01:30:09 Bye. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato. And our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread.
Starting point is 01:30:43 I'm not going to spoil. In case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners.
Starting point is 01:31:00 Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on.
Starting point is 01:31:14 Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.

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