Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 178: Fern Brady

Episode Date: February 8, 2023

Who’s this week’s guest, Fern? ‘It’s me Fern Brady, me Fern Brady!’ The superb stand-up, Taskmaster star-turned-author orders her dream meal.Trigger warning: this episode contains talk of dieting and calories.Fern Brady’s book ‘Strong Female Character’ is out on 16 February 2023, published by Octopus. Buy it here.Follow Fern on Twitter @FernBrady and Instagram @fernfrombathgateRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, layering up the past the sheets of chat, pouring over the bolognese of good humour, pouring over the bechamel of friendship, sprinkling over a little bit of cheesy fun to make the lasagna of content. It's high time you did a lasagna one at the top. I fucking love lasagna. I love lasagna! That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Caster. This is the Off Menu podcast, and we invite a guest to our drink restaurant and ask them their favourite ever. Start a main course,

dessert, side dish, and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Fern Brady. Might be time to make my annual lasagna. Yeah? My lasagna. Lasagna. Because I put so much stuff in it, it's so utterly unhealthy. It's like a bomb. It's like a calorie bomb. I can only make it once a year and then freeze portions and sort of break them out when I need them. Invite me over for lasagnol day. Please. Come over for the inaugural lasagnol day. Yeah, I'll come over for the inaugural lasagnol. One of the things I had in Disney World was, I'm sure I'll bring up Disney World Food throughout the podcast. Oh, you're going to drip feed that stuff for years, I think. Yeah, I've been on the drip feed it for years.

But one of the things I had from the French booth in Epcot was a free cheese beignet where the middle of the beignet was basically a bechamel sauce and like a cheesy bit, and it was very good. Only on holiday would you eat something so indulgent, so decadent. That's not true. You eat that now? Yeah, yeah. I'd have it now for dinner. You'd eat that for lunch when we were doing a full work day? Yeah. Yeah, you'd eat it whenever. Yeah, probably. But yeah, guilt-free though, only on holiday. Sure. When I was in Disneyland, Los Angeles, you've probably had this one bonito, had a pretzel with cheese sauce and jalapeno in the middle. It is, to date, the saltiest thing I have ever eaten. And that's a gamble saying that, a savory boy. And I eat bowls

of salt like cereal. He does. Yum, yum, yum, yum. I mean, it was delicious, but I had to get a bottle of water to drink after every bite I took of that thing. You're in the desert. Yeah. Fern Brady is a fantastic comedian. So good. All three of us sitting around this table, bonito included, massive Fern Brady fans. Very excited to have Fern. We're Bradyheads. And of course, you'll recognize her from television's Taskmaster. Yes. And the wonderful podcast, Wheel of Misfortune as well. Yes. And of course, Fern has a book coming out called Strong Female Character, which we'll be asking her about. Very excited about her book. Yes. I'm very excited about the book. Fern is not only genuinely hilarious and completely unique. She's also had

a crazy life. Yeah. And all of her stand-up shows will attest to that. She's got stuff to talk about. That she talks about in those shows. So funny while being really open and revealing. I expect the book is going to be more of her own unique brand of comedy in book form. Like all the best comedians, she's got something to say. She's had a life unlike this boring sausage. Yep, Ed's pointing at himself there just so you know. Yeah, I don't have a sausage in front of me. Yeah, there's not a sausage there that he's bought out and said this sausage couldn't write a book. Ed's not lost his mind. No. It couldn't, though. It couldn't. Just to be clear, a sausage couldn't write a book. And if anyone sells you a book and they say this was written

by a sausage, don't read it. Don't read it because A is probably not true. It probably hasn't been written by a sausage. It's a lie. And you probably open it up and if it has been written by a sausage, it would just be loads of grease marks on the pages. Hold on, because the sausage has been rolling around on every page. Yeah, stupid sausage. As always, there's a secret ingredient and if Fern says it, then we will kick around the restaurant because we deem the secret ingredient to be unacceptable. This week, the secret ingredient is the little bag of onion that you get with an Indian takeaway. I never eat it. It's just a sweaty little polythene bag that has chopped up bits of onion in it. And especially when, Joe, nowadays with apps, which there was a box I could check

that says, don't throw in anything that I haven't actually ordered. Please don't put in the little extra bag of stuff. I feel as wasteful, please. And then it always turns up being like, oh, there's a little sweaty polythene bag full of onions there. And I'm not going to use it because you've made me a perfect curry anyway. Yeah, I don't want to put a little sweat in on it. I don't need more, more stuff. No, sorry. It makes me sad. And that was Yvonne Maxwell, he suggested the little bag of onion that you get with an Indian takeaway, James. Oh, Max Yvonnewell. It reminds me of my friend Max Yvonnewell. What? I have a friend called Max Yvonnewell. Well, you don't. So that's quite interesting. You don't have a friend called Max

Yvonnewell. Oh, I'm thinking of Max Yvonne. Max Yvonnewell. They did very well. Max Yvonnewell. Max Yvonnewell. I'm going to level with you guys. We're at the end of a very long day. And yet we're still churning out the best quality jokes in the industry. So that's what I mean. That's what I mean. I'm going to level with you guys. We're fucking brilliant at this. This is how good we are when we're running on fumes. We come up with riffs about, you can tell us someone's name and we can turn it into a Max and Yvonne joke. Yeah. Very much looking forward to talking to Fern. This is the author of Fern Brady.

Welcome, Fern, to the Dream Restaurant. Welcome, Fern Brady, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Thank you so much for having me because I'm obsessed with food. As soon as I've finished one meal, I'll think about the next meal and what I'm going to have and what's going to be the perfect thing to have. And when you finish one meal and you start thinking about the next one, is that influenced by the meal you just had and what you want to follow it? No. Oh, I didn't understand that question. I'll be honest with you, James. I didn't quite understand the question. You've just finished a meal, say you've just had a cheesecake at the end

of the meal. Then when you start thinking about the next meal, are you thinking, right, my palate now after that cheesecake would like this because that's where my palate is? Or are you just thinking completely separate from the meal you just had and thinking later on, I want to have some because I would find it hard to think about the food I want to eat when I've still got the taste of another food lingering in my mouth. Usually it's more fullness affects me a bit, but sometimes I've been so full that I can barely walk after a meal. And this is usually on holiday and then I still want to look at menus and windows and plan what I'm going to have. I tend to, anytime I go on holiday, I have a little list of local foods that I've never tried and I have to try and check

off that list during the holiday. So I went to Greece this summer and it was the, like, honestly, the best holiday of my life. I'm still losing the weight that I gained from it. I gained about £10 in 10 days. It was unreal. Great. What was on the list? What was on the list that you ticked off in Greece? Is anything on the dream menu? We all want you to give us spoilers here. One of the things was going to be on the dream menu, but it was too lame. Even if I gave the explanation, it'd be too rubbish, a Greek salad made in Greece. Normally, if someone said that, I would be like, are you joking? That's like the shitest thing ever. But the Airbnb that we were staying in, the guy who owned it, his elderly father came round one night to fix something for us

and he ended up staying for three hours talking to us about how Greece is amazing. All Greek people have five bellies. Everyone in London's a cunt, basically. And he said that a Greek salad made in Greece with tomatoes grown there and olives grown there is exceptional. And after that, I just, every time I ate it, I thought of him. That's nice. And then we tried making it and we got back and it was just terrible. Yeah, it's an ingredients thing, I think, and like a surroundings thing. If you were putting it on the dream menu, would you want that old man to make it? Yeah. Yes, it was so good. Like he just was, because I said, well, I don't really like living in London anymore. And he just goes on this rant about how the English were all drunks and stuff.

And we were, he just was amazing. He was so entertaining. So I had a lot of tasty salads, which sounds crap, but they were amazing. And we got fat off them. So they were putting something dodgy on them. I had Greek hand pies, which are basically like just pies filled with melted cheese, not always feta. They've got all sorts of nice cheeses. I go in between being veggie and pescatarian. I had tons of amazing fish, I had prawns, Saganaki, that's like prawns with feta and tomato sauce. And I don't really like cakes very much, but they had a nice cake soaked in orange blossom honey. Greek, every time I'm reminded of Greek food, I remember that it's probably my favourite food. It's unbelievable. So good. And it's not, it wouldn't be, because a lot of the

stuff on my menu today is Chinese, but honestly, like I really respect the way the Greeks do food. And also you're in ice cream, James. So I'm not, wouldn't give it a second thought. I'll occasionally have it if it's a dead fancy place, like that Chin Chin place in London sometimes. They had a hipster ice cream place on this little island we were staying on, and they had like the best pistachio ice cream I've had in my life. Oh, wow. And I'm not an ice cream fan. Yeah, yeah. Joseph Quinn would like that. Joseph Quinn came on the podcast and chose a pistachio ice cream affogato, I believe, even though you've never had it before. Yeah. But that's what's great, just make stuff up. Yeah, that's where you've got to go. Have you had everything on your menu

today? Are you making stuff up that you've never actually had before, combinations you haven't had, or is it all stuff you've experienced firsthand? So I wanted to do the most genuine menu. I didn't want to do any virtue signalling. I didn't want to do the way vegans are. I try and be vegetarian and tell fucking no one about it, because I don't like being too catholic about my diet. And I hate when people go on and on and on about it. Anyway, so I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to do something about my Scottish heritage. And I used to eat this growing up. And also I grew up eating in a really pretentious, what some people would say is a pretentious way. I wanted what is my genuine answers. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's all things I've had.

It's all things that if I wasn't thinking about calories or like the best healthy food to eat, these are the foods that I would choose. And I said to my partner last night, what do you think I've picked for an off menu? And he guessed it almost exactly. He guessed each thing. True love. Apart from the butter. But at that point, I didn't know what butter I wanted. You want a break up over that? No. That's all right. The only way, well, no, that's skipping to the dessert. But there was a thing I said for dessert and he was like, you don't like those. I like those. And I was like... That's a big call, isn't it? I like those. He just eats more of them because I'm always like worried about having a big moon face on TV.

When you say you ate pretentiously as a child, what do you mean? So, yeah, I don't think it. I remember there was a chef, Gezi Erskine. That's really stuck in my head when she said this. She said like, in France, you can eat well and it's not associated with your social class. So if I talk about the way I grew up eating, or if I talk about the way I eat now, people go, you've changed as if I've come into money and decided to start eating like this. No, I've returned to the way that I grew up eating. Basically, my mum would bake us for kaccha all the time growing up. She would have Greek-themed food nights. She would give us... I remember

being really embarrassed of my lunchbox a lot at school and really jealous that I wasn't eating like what the Scaffy Kids were eating like. I really wanted cheese strings or, do you know, those dearly lunch bottles. And my mum would always say to me like, the children that eat that food, their mums don't love them. And I would be in a bag of vesselists as my snack at break. Do you know those fruits that decorate a cake? Yeah, they put them on cheesecakes and stuff. Yeah, yeah. She'd give us bags of them. I think they've been our secret ingredient before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, a lot of interest in fruits. Yeah, I can't imagine being a kid at school pulling a bag of vesselists out of your bag. Well, there was one time, the idea I'm from,

I've got quite a lot of child poverty. And I remember my pal at school, she pulled out a pot of cod liver oil tablets and was just eating them during break. And she was like, do you want some? And I was like, yeah. And I just was like, can't believe my mum's such a bitch, always giving me fruit to school. Yeah, she never gives me a big bag of cod liver oil tablets. And then I told my mum later, can I have cod liver oil tablets as my snack? And she had to say again, like, those kids have parents that are irresponsible and stuff. I think she just left them. With a cod liver oil tablets, definitely. And there were always these sweets when I was growing up, like pushpops, ringpops. Don't push me, pushpops. You know, the whistles that were made out of candy.

And my mum would always say, like, the children that eat them, their teeth rot in their heads. So we never, never would allow do anything like that. The pushpops advert. Do you remember it? Don't push me, push a pushpop. Do you think any kid actually ever tried to use a pushpop in a genuine bullying situation? I just got the absolute shit. Because the big kid pushes the little kid and the little kid goes, don't push me, push a pushpop and gives him a pushpop. I know he has a pushpop, but obviously in real life, that's an invitation to get beaten up for it. Yeah, that pushpop is going straight up his ass. I did manage to have one of the whistle ones one time. And that had a little stick coming out of it that you could play tunes on. The rapper

would have a tune on the back. So you could play through. Just you in the playground with your little sweet playing a tune with the music in front of you about throwing facilities into your mouth. And then she also, because I saw an advert for like a boarding school and the newspaper. And I said, I want to go to this boarding school. And my mum said, the children that go to private school, the parents get the money for that by only eating Tesco value food. Your mum's got a lot of insight into other people's parents. So I always believed her. She was like, you can either go to this Porsche girl, but you'll eat terrible food or you can eat the way we do now.

Yeah, you chose capture and fizzle this. Yeah. Yeah, but then I asked, I asked Ivo about it. Ivo Graham. He's the person. He was like, no, no, we always had nice food. Yeah. Yeah. Finally, the lie was exposed. Did you have to eat bad food? No, I ate good food all the time. I wouldn't say so because we've had him on this podcast before. Yeah, his food choices were all falling in. He thinks an acceptable dessert is banana in natural yogurt. Well, yeah, I've worked a lot with him and I was really shocked at the way he eats.

He just doesn't care. Like he doesn't. Sometimes I would rather not eat than have something rubbish or something that I'm not bothered about. Yeah. So I'm having sausage rolls for breakfast when we were in Melbourne and things like that. I love breakfast so much in Melbourne because they've got the best brunch culture in the world that I'll devote most of my calories to having breakfast foods and then just have not very much at night. Just a bag of fissilis. Well, you're not far off. I pretty much have brunch in the morning and then Melbourne and then I just eat like a little monkey at night with loads of berries. Oh, you are the monkey in this situation. Yeah, I thought you were eating a little monkey.

It's a very lean meat. I eat like a little monkey. Yeah. I just ate a little monkey in the evening. I ate a little monkey in the evening. That's horrific. I thought you were a pescetarian. Let's get back to this. You ate monkeys. Well, I alternate between eating very well and then on tour. I just eat blueberries and yogurt again and again and again. It's like my go-to. Yeah. Touring's difficult though, isn't it? Gives you energy to blueberries. Well, they're the best food for. I think I've eaten blueberries every day for the last 15 years or something. Yeah. I think it's my mum's influence. Yeah, because the kids who didn't eat blueberries had parents who were awful.

Yeah. She once, she really embarrassed me actually one time when I was at, I was going out with this guy when I was 16 and his family all ate really badly and I was over at his house and we were ordering a pizza and my mum phoned their house phone up to ask when I was coming home for a dinner. So I was like, let's put this on speakerphone and listen to this dumb bitch. And she was like, why aren't you coming home for dinner? I've cooked asparagus. And I was like, I'm having pizza, mum. And she went, but it's your favourite vegetable. No, it's not. I just like took it off speakerphone straight away. It was my favourite because the way my mum would cook it, she would cook it just like lightly grilled. You parboil it, then grill it, then put

some parmesan and garlic over the top. And so it was my favourite vegetable. That does sound good. Before we get into your menu, we should talk about your book that's coming out. Strong female character. Yeah, I can't change the title now. My brother told me to change it. Oh yeah. What did your brother want you to change it to? He didn't have any other suggestion. Yeah, that's always helpful, isn't it? So when I said to the publisher, my brother, she was like, no, you're not changed it. Oh yeah, I've got a book coming out about how it's rubbish being an autistic woman, but it's also good. I think there's a lot of good things to it because there's a lot of aspects to being a girl that are really dumb, especially around

eating. Like a lot of posh, skinny women that I'm friends with, they monitor how everyone's eating, and I'm usually just continuously eating in the background not bothered about it. Because if you're autistic, you don't really care about conforming to social norms or different non-variable cues. So that's a benefit, but the downside is when I get stressed, I eat the same food over and over again. Just blueberries and yogurt. Yeah, when I went through a bagel, I've had a few bagel faces. I just love bagels. I love the shape. Certain type of bagel. What do you want on the bagel? I like the sesame ones, personally. I like cinnamon and raisin just with butter, but also peanut butter ones, not a fan of savory bagels, or a bagel with a lot of fillings in it. I love a bagel with a lot of

fillings in it. Yeah, there's a place near us that deliver bagels now, and get the smoked salmon and cream cheese one. There's so much smoked salmon and cream cheese in it. I love it. Although they've recently started putting tomato in there, which I'm very angry about. Yeah, I wouldn't want that. Too wet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I agree that smoked salmon and cream cheese, if it's a bagel or a sandwich or whatever, often people skimp on both those fillings and it annoys me, and I want like a whole salmon in there, a whole wheel of cream cheese. Yeah, I want it all in there. I want the more fillings, the better with the smoked salmon and cream cheese. I like an everything bagel as well. Do you know an everything bagel? I can't think of them now without thinking about that

film. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which describes how I want my salmon and cream cheese. Yeah, exactly. Everything everywhere, all at once. I didn't write about food much in the book. Oh, wait, no, I didn't. I didn't write about all the nice food that I, but I have gone through some mad phases where I will just eat one food. Like, one time, I was really sad after a breakup, so I only boiled eggs for ages. Just to make things even more sad, yeah. Basically, I read that both Charles Satchey and Rihanna had lost weight from only eating boiled eggs. Yeah, you would. So obviously they're bad. You would, you'd lose a lot of other stuff as well, like your dignity, not smelling like a big fart all the time. Listen, it was so bad. I started

getting these, like, after maybe three months. Three months of only eating boiled eggs. Oh, my God, it was so sad. How many boiled eggs a day were you eating? And were you eating anything else as well? Sometimes, I was eating meat of that. I would sometimes eat chicken, but that's depressing as well, because I hate thinking the two together. Yeah, chicken and egg, yeah. But no, not very much at all. How many eggs were you eating a day? I think I was eating. I could do six to eight. If I ran out with eggs, that was stressful. So yeah, when you're only eating them in, like, proportions, like, that you get a part of. I would have two at a time. So it had to be. I would have two eggs at a time. How many would you get in a box? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then

caught them in salt. Yeah. And then I started to get bad pains in my side. Yeah. And the GP was, like, have you been doing Atkins or something? And I was like, yeah, something like that. And he said, take this medicine, go home, drink all the water, eat some toast. And I was like, I can't believe my prescription is toast. This is amazing. That's like my dream is to be prescribed toast. Because the way I got into this podcast was I heard that Katherine Ryan didn't like bread. And I agree with Katherine Ryan on, like, 99% of things. To have the power to not like bread. I can't imagine that. I love it more than anything. I love it more than I would give up alcohol before that would give up sugar and sweets before bread.

There's no bread I've ever had that I don't like. I've tried diet breads or bread that's just made of seeds. Like, I love all bread. Like, you like having a meal and then immediately thinking about the next meal. So when you're in an obsessive phase, that must take all the joy out of it, because you're eating two eggs and then you know that the next meal is going to be two eggs. Yeah, that's more like, I think definitely being in a couple helps because I eat a lot more normal meals now. Anytime a boyfriend goes away, I'll just revert back to like, you went away recently and when he came back, there was nothing left in the fridge. I hadn't done any shopping and I'll just eat, like, very plain foods, just berries and yogurt again. It's like, I can't think what to

have on my own. My wife's very similar. So when I go away, like, it just all goes to shit. Like, she'll be like, I had crisps on the toilet for dinner or something like. Well, tell me some crisps would be offered I'm not bothered about at all. The main time I eat crisps is if I'm at a gig, because it's always at gigs. Yeah, in the audience. Oh, they're the worst. The confidence to do that. Yeah, I wouldn't be bothered about crisps. There's some foods I think that's just like a waste of my time, like croissants as well, unless it was a mega fancy one, I wouldn't bother eating a plain one. What's the time? Oh, yeah, I don't want to play.

But see, I'm similar. I wouldn't order a plain croissant. I wouldn't, you know, buy any plain croissants. But when you're in a situation where there is a plain croissant and you're like, fine, I'll have it and it's warm and you tear it apart and just so buttery and delicious. I was going to say, it's got to be a mega buttery one. Yeah. Because if you get one that's not mega buttery and it's on its side, it's the worst. When it's dry in my ear. Yeah, but I wouldn't eat. See, you were at a work thing and there were croissants there. Like here in the UK, I wouldn't bother. If you were in France, yeah, I would eat it. Or like Melbourne, we went on a trip to this place in Fitzroy, Melbourne,

that does insanely fancy croissants. Do you know the place I'm in? Well, I've never been to Melbourne, but I follow a croissant place in Melbourne on Instagram. It's called Lune. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Absolutely obsessed with it. I've been to Melbourne multiple times. Didn't know where you were talking about. Ed follows a croissant place in Melbourne. We'd better get into your menu properly. Let's start with stiller sparkling water. Sparkling. Yeah. You came alive when you said sparkling milk. Yeah, you beat me. And do you know what? Because I'm pretty obsessed with eating the perfect foods and eating really healthy and stuff. A lot of people are very critical of that now,

but I get a real buzz out of it. And I read sparkling water is bad for you in some way, just slightly bad for you. So whenever I drink it off, you're like a rebel now, which is quite sad because it is just water. Your own body. It feels mad, like I'm drinking spirits or something. Do you think your mum would say that the kids who had sparkling water, their parents didn't care about them? She actually thinks I've gone too far with the food thing now. And I'm like, well, you've planted the seeds over. I mean, I guess she can't put anything down to, you know, like the way an adult eats where you

eat now. She can attribute none of it to herself as a parent. She was always like going, kids, eat this because of their parents. But as you grow up, I mean, if anything, the way you eat now is completely because of your mum. Oh, definitely. Did she take any credit for it? She was really pleased that I went on Grace Dent's podcast and talked about good food because she was, she was a little bit annoyed because I also talked about when I worked in a strip club and this guy that had Down syndrome would come in all the time and shout at us. So she was very upset about that bit, but then the catcher thing made up for it. Yeah.

So here's a question that everyone probably had earlier in the podcast. I feel we should circle back around to before we move on with the menu is, sorry to ask it, but how bad do your farts stink when you were eating the eggs all the time? Yes, they weren't, they weren't bad. They're actually worse when I eat a lot of tofu and beans, which are two of my favorite foods. I fart loads, loads and loads. Because the second two loads and loads made me laugh loads. James knows exactly why I'm laughing just because I find that sort of thing really funny. Yeah, you said it in a really serious way. You're amusing on it. Yeah. His three, I better add two more loads in there. But isn't it good for you? Yeah, probably. I got really into reading about the gut microbiome

and eating fermented foods. But I tend to get quite obsessive about one thing at once. So I read that eating for your gut is going to help you live longer. So I made my own kombucha. I bought the thingies that make kefir. I've made my own, we'll sell her one, the three Ks. Cabbage. Kimchi. I made it all at once. And then you're not really supposed to eat all them three things at once. And then like massive quantities. And honestly, just like my shits were like flying out of me. Because I was like, I didn't know the power that this stuff had. I just thought I'll be fine. But yeah, I love all the fermented stuff. It was just the amount that you're eating was what was causing the wet piglets. Yeah, you can't have the three Ks at once. You're going to just

like sort of sprinkle them throughout your face. You put three Ks together and stuff starts. Yeah, that's when something starts. You should have known this is going to turn pretty bad. Pop it up some bread. Pop it up some bread, friend, bread. Pop it up some bread. Bread. I mean, I didn't even get into poppidums until recently. I wouldn't even. They were one of my waste of time foods along with crisps and croissants. Yeah. Your waste of time food seems to be quite sort of flaky. Anything that might light carbs. Yeah. Anything carb and calorie I have to enjoy it to the max. That's my role with foods. I want every meal time to be amazing, basically. Apart from when you're in an egg face. Apart from the eggs and the blueberries and the

yoghurt. Yeah. So they've got to be amazing or there's a reason you don't. Yeah. So yoghurt, another great food for your gut. That's really good. And blueberries are going to stop me from dying of cancer, apparently. So I feel like I'm doing a good thing when I eat them. So, I mean, it sounds like when you're eating, you're often very, like you can talk about IVO, just like you can just sit there and eat a sausage roll. He's not thinking about any of it. Food for a few people. You're always thinking. You're always thinking when you're eating a meal, why am I eating it? Yeah. What's this for? Is it worth it? Is it stressful? Am I eating for pleasure or am I eating for function? Yeah. Yeah. Is it stressful? I get

stressed when, so I like to be in charge of what food place I'm going to, like in Melbourne, I know where I want to go. So I've just had a lot of my best food experiences there. That's why I keep mentioning it. So I know where I want to go a lot of the time. And I have a friend who I won't name because they're a good person. They're an expert at picking the shittest breakfast place it is. And I don't ever want to waste a breakfast in my time on Earth. So if I'm trying to be like cool and relaxed and stuff and let another friend pick it, that's when I feel the worst. Yeah. Because a lot of people don't care about food. Yeah. I still remember there was like one breakfast where it was crap and still sticks in my head. That was in

Sydney. Oh yeah, Sydney breakfast. It's a lot. Yeah. Does it make you lose respect for people if they pick some of my crap? I'll resent them for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. And it does make me lose respect for, I'll sometimes describe a person as like, they're the type of person who would go to a Japanese restaurant and order, um, was that really mild like chicken curry that you get? Like a katsu curry. Yeah, yeah. They order a katsu curry. I'll describe people as that. Yeah, yeah. Or their favourite, their idea of a great dinner is a roast. Yeah. I'll describe that as an insult. But then no one else knows what I'm talking about. Well, I get you. I mean, I love a roast dinner, but you were saying before the podcast when you hear people have chosen that as their dream meal.

That's so sad. Yeah. Just the amount of flavours and like most of my food choices are Chinese things because like China, they don't just care about flavour, they care about texture, which is where you get so many different amazing textures of tofu. And then here it's just like, I just love a bit of roast meat with salt and pepper on it. And people get really defensive over it, but the bragging about a lovely Sunday roast is everything that's wrong with this country. I mean England. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So grim. Yeah. Do they not like a roast dinner in Scotland? They probably do. But you've got your own breakfast there. Do you have your own roasts? Scottish breakfasts are very clear. Yeah, I really miss square sausage. I've had three

different types of veggie square sausage. There's one good one, but I can't remember who makes it. Maybe face plant or something. But yeah, I really miss square sausage rolls. I remember the first time I had it. On the Isle of Mull was where I had the first square sausage I've ever had. And it's a ratatouille moment actually. Anytime I have a square sausage, I'm transported back to the Isle of Mull. I thought that was a Proustian thing, is it not? We call it a ratatouille thing. Benito's got a Tobamori t-shirt on now. That's mad. He's called the great Benito because he used to be a magician. And this is like watching a magician at the end of their show going, were you thinking of Tobamori and then opening their shirt? And it's a Tobamori t-shirt. That was

amazing. Benito should say he's wearing thousands of t-shirts right now. He's layered up, sweating so bad. I didn't want to talk about Scottish foods very much. You don't like it because I tricked you into it then. I'm not a very Scottish person. Er, wrong. No, but like, there are some foods that I'll eat that I miss, but they're terrible for you. Scottish bread is amazing. Have you had stovies in Scotland? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lovely. It is lovely, but... When have you had that? You've never mentioned that. Stovies? Yeah. Oh, it's not been like such an amazing experience that it's come up. It's not a ratatouille. But it's not the same in restaurants. It's just not, like, I think I've had it and it wouldn't be a thing you would have in a restaurant. It would be a thing that your

grandparents and mum would make. But anyway, I didn't want to have any Scottish-y things on the menu. Fair enough. Because you don't want to be... Because I'm just not... Do you hate Scotland? I'm just not bothered about it. Yeah. And like, a lot of Scottish Londoners go on and on about these things called empire biscuits. They're so average. That may be a controversial point. Yeah, well, see, we don't know that. Yeah. But obviously, you're going to get... You'll find out, I guess, when this goes out. Of all the Scottish cakes, it wouldn't be my... It would never be my go-to. What is an empire biscuit? Oh, God, it's so crap. It's like two not even shortbread biscuits. It's not even as rich as shortbread. Just like two plain crumbly biscuits about the size of

my hands. So quite big. And then on top, there's just like icing, plain icing. And then like a midget jam. And then there's some jam in the middle. When my mum used to make them, I would be like, wow, have you made these again? What we do have that's really nice are these things called pineapple tarts. You can get them if you're ever gigging in Scotland. You'd get them in a supermarket. It wouldn't be a fancy thing. And that's like a little pastry case, filled with whipped cream and some pineapple jam and then like a bright yellow icing on top. Yeah, great. Well, that's like the Marks and Spencer's ones that Simon Rogan recommended. Yes. And I got really into them. There's only certain Marks and Spencer's that sell them. There's one on the Oxford Street

Marks and Spencer's. You can get those pineapple tarts. I love them. Absolutely double thumbs up. I didn't know they were a Scottish thing. I think they are. Yeah, delicious. I'm not a pineapple guy. Yeah, well, why? Just don't look really like I'm not that bothered about the taste of it. My wife's allergic to pineapple. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I used to get that. Yeah. And then I thought everyone's mouth hurt when they eat pineapple. And it was only by chance. I said to one of my colleagues one day, I love pineapple, but I hate like all the mad pain that you get. And then he was like, what are you talking about? They haven't gone to hospital every time. He's like, I'm going to puff up and go all red.

I was getting these random food allergies. I went nowhere, right? For a bit. I think I've gone away now. There used to be a pizza place in Heather Green in Lewisham that did this pizza. It was so incredible. But every time I ate it, I would find it hard to breathe and my lips would swell up. Every time you ate it? That was the thing was we would be like, oh, shall we order allergy pizza again? I've never figured out what was on it. But that was how tasty it was. And then the people that I think it was called the gold of Naples, that was the pizza place, they moved back to Naples to make pizza. So they must be the best. Yeah, yeah, absolutely the best. Or they just killed too many people here. Yeah, we have to get out of here. Yeah, we got to go.

Oh, maybe. I've never had the pizza that good since. What type of bread are we talking before we move on to your starter? Oh, yes. Gales, potato and rosemary salad. Yes, it's good. He's happy. I absolutely love it. For the butter, quicks, whey butter, or any whipped butter. I like when you get whipped butter in a restaurant. So I'm loving this very specific things that you want. This is what I like in a menu. I get excited when the guests come on and have specific ideas for each. See, the quicks butter, I think that's the one they sell at Gales as well, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the little logs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes weekend morning, delivery, get delivery Gales. Oh, yeah. Potato and rosemary sourdough, little log of butter.

That is your go to as well. That one. Yeah, that one. Or to be honest, any of the ones at Gales are really good. I got seeded sourdough the other day. That's my other choice. Seeded is my second choice. Potato and rosemary is just the best one. I get annoyed with places lying to me about their bread being sourdough and it's not. I'm taking me for an idiot. I was going to say a worse or a word there, but I was in a brunch place in Glasgow and ordered eggs and toast would be my go to brunch order and she brought me over. This happens to me all the time. They don't even toast the toast in so many places. It's just come up for years. I get annoyed. Yeah, yeah. I hate complaining in restaurants, right? But then it happens just

too many times to you. So I got brought this hot white bread slice. That's it. So, so thin. And I said to her, sorry, would it be possible to get my toast more toasted? And she sort of looked at me and went, that's actually this type of sourdough just doesn't toast. She went, I can try. I can take you back and try. And I just, because you think we're confident during comedy, but when someone tells you such a confident pest take of a lie that you can't toast, toast. I was just like, yeah, yeah, can you take it back? Because I thought I'm 36 now. If I don't, because normally I just cringe at sending stuff back, but I thought if you don't do it now, you never will. It gets brought back and, lo and behold, it's had some color on it,

because there's no such thing as untoastable bread. Unbelievable. The sheer brass neck of someone going, I can try. It's just, you probably don't understand science. We're not going to be able to toast this. It's magic, it's magic bread. So, oh my God, unbelievable. Also, I bet they didn't even toast it as much as they could have. No. Because they didn't want you to know they'd fully lied. So, they were just like, there you go, that's the best we could do, but they probably wasn't the best. So, how did this come about, where a lot of people get burnt toast and sending it back in places? Possibly. Possibly. They were like, let's air on the side of caution. Yeah. It can't be a time thing, can it? It can't be like they save a minute,

so they just send it out. Maybe some people just don't want it that toasted when they put stuff on top of it. But I'd say out of 10 places, I get given a bread that's just been in a toaster for a minute. But with some sourdough, I do find that you need to stick it in the toaster twice. Right. Because it does come out looking like it's not been in the toaster and you need to stick it through again. Sure, it doesn't give the appearance of toast. And how do you feel when you get given bread that isn't sourdough in a restaurant and they call it sourdough because they take you for a cunt? Just in case anyone wasn't sure what the phrase was earlier on, the firm was avoided. I'm not sure that's happened to me, or maybe I'm just

an absolute sucker. Yeah. Maybe you have an accent that unlocks stores. You know what you are, Ed. Don't take that guy for a C. He's going to know his stuff, whereas I probably wouldn't, you know. Given that you've chosen, we know this before going into your courses, you've chosen a lot of Chinese food. Were you tempted for a pop of domes or bread to go prawn crackers? No, I'm not fussed about prawn crackers at all. Another waste of time food. My mate Alison Spittle, the comedian, we went for a Chinese there. And she got, her and my boyfriend just hoofed a load of prawn crackers, and I think I had one. And I remember Alison, I don't know if she kind of worked at me like, oh, that's surprising. And I didn't want to say like, this just doesn't

have anything that I'm not bothered about. She once worked in exchange for prawn crackers, and this in a Chinese takeaway. She did. She told us this. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She told us this. I forgot. Yeah. I remember. And she used to get beaten with a stick by an old Chinese lady. Yeah. Yeah. She told us that as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny that you're friends. So your dream starter then, are we straight to Chinese food? Yeah. This is, I don't know if this will be allowed as a starter because it's a breakfast food. It's a Jian Bing, which is a Chinese crepe. And this is like my all time favourite food in the whole world. Both my brothers live in Shanghai, and I went to visit them a few years ago, and they just would like

order food for me. I didn't have like a single bad food experience because we grew up together. We all like the same things, and they knew what I would like. So the first morning there, one of them just went silently like, got me this thing from a stall and handed it to me. And it's a crepe, a savoury crepe. They make it on like a big crepe maker, crack two eggs onto it and fry them on that. Then put hoisin sauce over it, spicy little pickled vegetables. Then they get fried wonton skins, crush them up. They're all like crunchy and sprinkle it over the top. And then people get different fillings on top of that. So my choice is like these spicy chewy tofu sticks, but other people get little sausages or a bit of bacon. And then they put some lettuce

coriander on top and wrap it all up. It's unbelievable. Yeah, sounds good. Oh, it sounds so good. I'll tell you where I get them. I found a place to get them in London. Pleasant Lady. Pleasant Lady. There's a place called Pleasant Lady. I think that's a jumping place. No, please tell us where you get them in London. It's called Chinese Tapas House, and it's if you were about to like go into Chinatown next to the place where they have magic mic on. I can't remember the name of the street because you know where I was thinking of that because I was walking to get a Jan Bing and there was all the topless pictures of the magic mic lads and I thought, I bet they're starving and just eating a terrible diet and it made me feel better. Pleasant

Lady, Jan Bing Trading Store, Old Spitalfields Market. That's why I thought you were going to go with Pleasant Lady and that's all. This one's a little bit neater to me. There is another one in Chinatown just round the corner, but I didn't rate it as much. It's just amazing. I've got to try this. I've never had one before. It sounds great. I'd recommend it. I'm sure you can guess the ingredient that got me most excited during the description. The crispy wontons. I knew that from the... 51 tons canes is when I was like, well, I'm eating this. Yeah, you did light up. Sounds exciting. It's like you're saying about texture. They've actually thought about how it feels in the mouth as opposed to it all just being wet stuff. It's like a lovely hangover food or just

any time food, but traditionally a breakfast food. Well, that sounds great. That's the first time we've had that on the pod as well. Yes, I'm into it. I'm going to go and try one because I've never... Please. Every time I walk past Pleasant Lady, I'm like, that sounds nice, but... Yeah, and I really do want to stress. I didn't put... Because one of my pals was like, oh, your suggestions are dead pretentious. I picked what are my favourite foods. Yeah, so everyone can get off your back. I just want an adventure in my mouth every time. Yeah, well, look forward to having that tweeted at you without any context after this has got out. Dream main course. So I changed this last minute this morning. I thought I was going to go for

Mapo Tofu because it's got my favourite condiment in it, Laoganma. Oh my god. It was on my dream menu when we did episode 100. Yeah, I had Laoganma, the chilli oil, yeah. You can put it on. Well, it's not just... It's a chilli oil with salty little soybeans in it as well. Crispy soybeans. You get more peanuts in as well, but that was dangerous when I had that one. I was just eating that like a yoghurt. Yeah, I had that. But this dish has all those flavours in it, and it's Malatang, which was another thing my brother's introduced me to, but I've since had in different places. If anyone knows a good London Malatang place, please let me know, because I can't seem to find one. So Malatang's where you get a very spicy soup base. You can

pick how spicy you want it usually, and it's got lots of chilli oil and session peppers in it, and then you go to a fridge and you pick out all the things you're going to put in your soup, so you can pick eggs, quail eggs, noodles, vegetables, tofu puffs, all different things, and then you take it up to the counter and they weigh it, and then they make your soup for you. It's huge. Oh, I think, I mean, we're back to Melbourne now, when I was in Melbourne. I think Phil Wang took us all for something, because Phil Wang was doing his thing, I think we spoke about it on Phil's episode, where he was, yeah, he was rating all the different noodle places, and he'd gone to somewhere that was amazing, and I was like, right, let's go there. He went,

oh, I kind of cover this other place, though. I was like, no, you haven't, Phil. You haven't, because it's just for your Twitter. We should go to this other place, and he took us to a place where we did that. We had to put it all together, and while we were eating it, he went, this is a bad place. I was like, yeah, this is a bad one, Phil. He was like, yeah, sorry. And then that was it. I just had a bad, but yours sounds nice. I went for, that's the last malatang I had was with Phil, and he kept laughing at me and saying, you got too, too much, and seeing that put too much in my bowl. That's the kind of thing that you find funny. I just get excited at all the different things that you can get. So what are you putting in yours? Well, how spicy is the

base, first of all? Well, I went for the spiciest level. So you've got top level spice. Yeah. What are you selecting from the actual ingredients in it? Normal noodles or rice noodles. I like, oh, like flat rice noodles, I guess. Oh my God, my favorite, the Chinese savoury donuts. I forgot to say the Jian Bing, they also put a Chinese donut in it. It's insane. Wow. There's so, so much in it. Is that too, too much? Too, too much. I never put enough savoury donuts in it, and then I'll try and put vegetables in to sort of show off, but then I don't, I end up just eating everything in order of preference and leaving the veg till last. Put eggs in because I have a healthier relationship with eggs now. Those are my main picks that I remember. Oh, and

then I always put lotus root in because I can't remember if I like it or not. Then you've got to try it. Well, I was going to ask, and then do you like it when it's in there, but I guess you can't remember. It tastes like potato, does it? It's kind of crispy, it's like crunchier than potato, right? A little bit, yeah. There's some foods I'll persist with because everyone says they like them, even though I don't, like I've tried to eat squid. Even though I think squid is the most inedible, disgusting thing in the world, I've tried to eat it like 20 times, which is mental. Yeah, that's a lot. But it was because everyone else seemed to be enjoying it. Yeah. Do you like it? I do, yeah, yeah. I like it. I mean, it's very easy to

mess up. I've actually done it the right way. Yeah, I don't like squid rings. But it's unlikely that you had it 20 times and it wasn't good one of those times. I think you just don't like it. Yeah, sure, it's cool. Yeah, you definitely don't like it. And then patty I wanted to bring up as well as like, you hate patty. You do, do you? Oh, I hate patty to such an extent that if other people are eating it and I can smell it, it makes me want to be sick. And the I have really vivid recollections of seeing people eat patty and seeing the mush of patty in their mouth, this mush of patty and baguette. And it's so repulsive. It's just creamed animal organs that then gets creamed up more in your mouth. Yeah, absolutely. I hate it now. Yeah, yeah. So you've ruined patty for me,

thanks, Fern. These people eat in their patty baguette and they just open in their mouth while they look at you. But when a person eats it, it makes me hate them. Yeah. That's how much I dislike it. So no patty in my Malatang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put that on a t-shirt. One time I had an incredible Malatang when I was with my brothers and they'd said they were ordering me all veggie food. And then I was like, why is this tofu so incredible? And they were like, oh, it's soaked in pegs blood, probably pegs or ducks blood. Wow. Oh, those brothers, they do it for a laugh? They think it's funny? I think they just didn't think. Yeah, yeah. But it was the most delicious tofu I've had of all time. So you could probably, yeah, I mean, I guess you're not eating meat. You could say,

yo, I'm a vegetarian, but everything I eat is soaked in the blood of animals. Yeah. Compromise. I just eat tofu. Yeah, I'm sure there's a compromise. I think that's worse than eating meat, isn't it? Sucked in the blood of farmyard animals. Everything's soaked in the blood of animals. Ducks and pegs. I mean, I think it's respectable that they use everything. Yeah, yeah. At least they're doing that. Is it like a hot pot, but when you order everything in? Because I love Chinese hot pots. See, I don't like Chinese hot pot. And I've been to a couple of different places. It isn't like hot pot. It's the soup base that's just the difference, because it's so spicy and incredible. Like you really, what you put in your malatangs,

I'm not really that arsed about it. It's the actual soup base is so tasty. And I guess with hot pot, you're basically, it's the thing that you're cooking in the stock or whatever. So it's not, you're not like drinking the stock. I love it. Heidi Lau, near Leicester Square. Absolutely brilliant. I had a good night out. That the place, so there was a plate, because I always look at what restaurants you're going to on Instagram for recommendations. And then there was a place that you went to, but then when I looked at it, it looked like it was all influencers. No, it looks terrible. It really looks, and you go in as well and you think, oh, this is going to be really bad, but it's really good. It's really good ingredients and like...

But why are influencers all going there? Oh, I don't know. I've got no idea. I'd imagine that, yeah, if you're an influencer, isn't one of the perks you get to go to good places for free? Yeah. Got to be, right? Well, it depends. Yeah. Unless you live in a life where everything's rubbish and you're telling everyone it's great. I mean, it was like a lot of pictures of girls that didn't look like they eat or like they were eating the food. So it was just a bit like, oh, what is it about this place? And then I didn't go because of that. It's really nice. But if you don't like hot pot,

I guess it's... Yeah. If it's there, it's usually good. I'd say. What is? If it's there, he's an influencer. Well, Charlie recommended me that one. You're an influencer? I'm an influencer. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you are with food. I was... When you started doing this, I was like, that's an amazing idea because I want to get more food sent to me. And as it stands, I get offers of alcohol sent to me and I don't drink that much. So... Well, what foods do you want sent to you? Give it a shout out.

Bread. I would do an advert for bread. Just bread in general? Honestly, I'm like, when can I advertise bread? Well, I need to start going on about it more. What if Gales asked you to do an advert for them, but they said, you have to change your name to Gale? I don't think that's the edge there. I wouldn't... I worked for a very annoying woman and admin called Gale, so I just... Not a girl name. With Gales, I just don't think they would want me for their brand. If anyone wants to send me fermented foods, I would love that.

Your dream side. I changed this because the first one was disrespectful to Ed. Why was it disrespectful to me? Because it's a thing called Sleepy Pasta, although it's not really... Yeah. And that's an insomniac Ed would not like. Yeah. It's a mirasoda recipe. Love mirasoda recipes. Oh, my God. I've got a story about that. So awful and embarrassing.

Yes. So I was like the biggest mirasoda fan. That's quite dorky to be like a fan of a chef and a guardian. I've got two of her books. I cooked almost everything in the books. Most recipes that I cook are from her books on a weekly basis. East. Have you got East for that book? Yeah, yeah. It's so good. Yeah, it's amazing. Her Pad Thai, I would rather have that over any takeaway. I did this travelogue with Ivo and Darren Harriet where we went all around the UK

and we went to this Indian deli in Leicester. Bobby's deli. It's amazing, by the way. And I think it came up that I loved mirasoda. And he went, that's my wife's... That's our niece, basically. I'll get her on the phone. And I said, please don't do that. Let's just get on with filming. And I turned away. He's a very charismatic guy. He basically wanted to show that he knew every British Indian in the UK.

Every famous one. So a minute later he's holding out the phone and mirasoda's on the phone. And I think I have a voice that frightens people or there's something off-counter about my voice. I'm aware people think I'm stupid or aggressive when I talk. So mirasoda just heard like, hello, it's me, Fern Brady. I love all your recipes. And she was like, hello, I just had a baby.

And I have to get back to the baby. And I was like, okay. And I just wanted to kill myself there. And then it was horrible. I don't think that had anything to do with your voice, to be fair. It's probably because she's been called out of the blue by Bobby. By her uncle Bobby. About 25 times a day.

Uncle Bobby calls. He's like, it's fucking Uncle Bobby again. Yeah, doesn't really know him that well. And then obviously she's just had a baby. I don't think she's going, there's an aggressive woman on the phone. Okay, that makes me feel better. Yeah, I think she probably thought like, oh, a relative's ringing me. I'll answer it, but I'm really, really swamped right now.

Oh, he's found someone I've never met. And once I'm going to talk to them, I can't do this. Yeah. Oh my God. It was so, so I couldn't, I just felt so embarrassed that I'd spoken to her that I couldn't look at her recipe books for like a year after. It was horrible.

Well, anyways, she, I'm now back to cooking one of her staples. Sleepy Pasta. Is it called Sleepy Pasta in the book? No, it's called... So you call it that? Mira Soda's, this is it. Mira Soda's vegan recipe for creamy macaroni with sweet potato and gochujang.

Oh yeah. How do you say that? Yeah, gochujang. You use it all the time, can't say the words. Make it world. I've actually, a producer that I worked with, also I think calls it Sleepy Pasta or says it makes him go to sleep.

So you call it Sleepy Pasta because it makes you go to sleep? Yeah. Yeah. And it's disrespectful to me. Just like allergy pizza. Because I think, yeah, I think the reason it makes you go to sleep is because the sauce is such a delicious vegan macaroni. The sauce is made of sweet potatoes and cashews

and a lot of sauce. It's like a very delicious, creamy, cheesy sauce and then pasta. And I think you have a big blood sugar, a big pinch of trash. Yes, I'm sure I would. But you know what? I'm going to make it.

Yeah. Definitely make it. I'm going to make it. Well, I'll leave the clear sort of four or five hours afterwards. Yeah, if you think this guy's avoiding blood sugar spikes, you've got another thing to do. One thing on that. I'm very good at managing them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good at managing them. See, because I was going to have a vegetable side dish. Oh, wait, no, I changed it. So I changed it. Sounds like you were choosing a main for your side dish. Yeah. Sleepy Pasta, that's why.

No, because if you order from like Caribbean takeaways, they have macaroni cheeses inside. So I was thinking, what things do I genuinely get as side? And I mean, you do have really amazing vegetable dishes and restaurants sometimes, but nothing's sticking out in my head. Yeah. Then I hit on one thing, right? Something I've come back to over and over again.

Me and Alison's bit will talk about it a lot. Anyone I know who's gone to this place talks about this a lot. It's Bubba Law's Confi Potato Lakers. Lakers. Would you say that one? Yes, Lakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've not been there and I'm very jealous to hear.

You've not been to Bubba Law? No, you've heard the word Confi and Lakers in the same sentence. Oh my God. Okay. Potatoes, don't forget potato. I went to heaven. They're not traditional Lakers. They're like, almost a bit like, you know,

our hassle-backed potatoes are sliced really, really thinly. I'm going to show you a picture, because you might be better at describing them. Oh my God. There is something that if you order them... Is it like layers? Are they thin layers? Very, very thin layers.

So they're similar to the ones at Quality Chop House, the Confi Potatoes at Quality Chop House, and they're just the best potatoes. So I want those right now. They look absolutely incredible. So they've sliced up a potato, stacked it up in a rectangular formation, and it looks...

The color of bacon is how they've managed to cook it. So it looks like bacon, and it looks like it has some powdered sugar on top of it even. So I don't know what that is on the top, and a little splodge of a dip, a white dip. I think it's aioli. Aioli with some red dusting on the top of it. It's called tomb, I think it's similar.

Deseret potatoes, unsalted butter, garlic cloves, thyme leaves, vegetable oil. Yeah. It looks good. And I don't normally like... There's a lot of potato things I don't like, because potato makes my stomach feel weird, and like stretched and bad. I don't know what it is.

Yeah, you're allergic to it, Fenn. We've had this before. No, I should... This is a pineapple situation. I should, because I found that I'd done a DNA test there, where I found out it was 98% Irish, so I should like potatoes more and not like bread, because a lot of Irish people...

That proves that you don't really have an understanding of... Yeah, you carry on. A lot of Irish people are celiacs. I could say the accent. More Irish people than... I think, I don't know, a lot of my Irish pals are. So that made me think maybe it's because they're meant to eat potatoes than...

What are you going to say that's offensive to Irish people? That's what I was saying, it's offensive. I'm just saying, I'm pretty sure you haven't got that right, because you're 98% Irish, you should like potatoes more. I don't think... Well, they shouldn't make my tummy feel bad. Like, I hate baked potatoes so, so much. Maybe that's the 2% though.

Maybe, oh my God. What's the other 2%? It was like all the places that the Irish had landed around the UK. But if a potato is very, very fried and sliced thin, and all that, I hope that can handle it. Oh, that looks so good. I think that's such a good side choice.

Yeah, that looks fantastic. They have another side dish that I nearly picked. Do you want to shout it out? It's their halloumi with black honey. And I normally find the combination of sweet and savoury disgusting. Yeah, yeah. I hate sweet and savoury food more than anything. That's money-needs big.

Almost as much as patty, actually. Yeah, yeah. So what's the worst? What's the worst for you sweet and savoury-wise? Okay, so when I was growing up in Scotland, I thought I didn't like Chinese food because of the type of Chinese takeaway that you have. It's like things like chicken balls and pineapple, like syrup and pineapple sauce.

Yeah, like sweet and sour chicken sort of stuff. Anything sweet and sour, sweet chili sauce is vile. It's in so many things. Like if you're trying... I'm so on board with this, yeah. I completely agree with you. It feels like it's in so many things. I'm like, why do we have to have sugar pushed on us

all the time? The worst for me for like in British Chinese restaurants is the beef, the shredded beef, which is just like basically deep-fried battery beef with that like syrup on it. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you love it, right? No, I don't love it. I'm a big dessert fan,

but I like when savoury elements or salty elements get introduced to desserts. Yeah, that's nice. I don't like it when sweet elements get introduced to my mains, even though I'm a pudding boy. It's my favourite course. But all the things you're talking about now, I don't like. And when we chose sweet chili sauce as our secret ingredient once, I think, you know, a lot of people were up in arms about it,

but I was so on board for it. But a lot of people are so used to having sugar in all their food, and it's vital. I also hate fruit in any kind of savoury dish. I do like pineapple in a savoury dish, to be fair. My mum puts it in so much stuff, and then she's always like... What are you laughing at there? Because it's boring.

It's always funny that I like the pineapple in the side. It's always funny when James goes for an angle, and then someone says... And also this, you go... No, no, I don't like that actually. No, no, that's great. I like it. Yeah, I mean, yesterday I had my Nando's wrap with the pineapple in it.

Yeah. Just as recently as yesterday. So you like pineapple in a savoury? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like pineapple in pizza. I like pineapple in my Nando's wrap. So disgusting. Yeah, I hate that.

No, I like it. It's so... It's just that you bite into it, and it just releases so much juice, it just floods the rest of the food. No, no, no. Yeah. No, no, I only like the juiciest pineapple in the world, maybe.

But like, otherwise, there's a nice little bit of flavour. Nice little bit of flavour, nice bit of something different. But this honey on the halloumi works, because sometimes there's a pizza, there's a couple of places that do pizza with hot honey on them, like spicy chilli honey, and I like that. Okay, I like that. I'm not heard of this.

I'm trying to find it to get the description, and it's also the way that they cook the halloumi, because often, if you do it, I think there's something about the way you cook it. I mean, why haven't I been to this place? Yeah, that's quite, Matt, because it's a lot of your... I've seen Ed have so many, like, you know... Normally, at the end of some episodes,

we might both have, like, one... You know, like a... That's good. We might have a dish that we're like, oh, I want to try that in the future. Yeah. I think this is the most dishes that Ed has gone away from the episode, wanting to try.

Jumping. Never had that. Can't wait. Malatang, never had that. Can't wait. Yeah. I'm going to have Malatang and Shao Bangorang at the same time. Yeah. These side dishes, both of them. Can't wait. Going to go to Bubbler.

Yeah, you're going to go and get both of these things. Oh, God, I'm in heaven over here. Yeah, yeah. But also hell. Yeah, yeah. Your dream drink. I've already brought up a kefir or a kombucha, and I'll seem like a dry shite if I say that.

You've got to pick what you like. Don't worry about seeming like a dry shite. Well, no. Basically, I don't like to drink very much, because it's poison. But I love, when I drink, I will try and have the nicest red wine. And I remember one of the first wines I drank where, when I used to drink more of it, I was like, oh, you can just have dead nice wine and not be hammered.

It was called, it was one of these served at the stand in Edinburgh. And it's called Barunda Bosa Carinyan. How do you say that? I don't know that. Carinyan? Carinyan, yeah. Yeah, that's it. But they just had it on the list, I think, because it sounds like Bossac. It's a company venue. They know what they're doing.

Yeah, yeah. So that's really tasty. But I like a lot of red wines. Apart from Australia, Australia and South Africa, I didn't enjoy the wines I had there. Oh, really? That meant to have good... Australian Shiraz is one of the finest, I think. You can use incredible wines, yeah. When I went this year, I had a lot of Pinot Noir that I didn't like.

I tend to like Malbecs or... But then Phil Wang was saying it's not always about the... What is it? The grape? It's not. It's about, yeah, who's growing it or where it's growing. What country? Yeah, well, what country and the terroir and the way the producer works and stuff. I didn't think that I liked French wine for the longest time.

And then I went to Paris this time last year. And they just, everywhere we went, they had really nice natural wines. And I drank a lot more than I normally would. And I felt sort of alright. So a big reason I wouldn't drink is I get terrible hangovers from two drinks. I'm going out tonight for dinner, actually. So I've been planning what wine I'm going to have for ages.

Oh, yeah? What are you thinking for tonight? Well, it's a place where you have to get it by the bottle. I say Bocca de Lupo. And they have loads of nice Barolos, but they're like a hundred quid. Yeah, they're hefty, those things as well. And that'll be hangovers. I find hangover central with like Barolos and Barbaras and things, because they're so hefty.

I think I've got quite a fancy, fancy little palate. Yeah? So you've got a fancy little palate? Yeah, well, because my dessert is Samoan. But also it's that thing again, it's that thing you're saying like if you eat, you want it to be a nice experience. And you know, it has to be, it has to be good. And I guess it's the same with booze, right?

You're not going to drink it just to get pissed. I would like never drink a shot. And I couldn't tell you the last time I would drink something like that. Because again, drinking a shot is the same as having crisps or poppies or croissants to me. There's a waste of time. I don't need to get drunk to be my true self. Like I'm just, just be yourself.

Yeah. Because a lot of people just get drunk so they can see everyone's a dick. I need to get better at that for not calling people a dick, but going, I'm going to have a drink if it's a really nice thing that I want rather than so I did something last night. And then afterwards I was like, I'm going to have a red wine.

It was those red wine and cans. And I had about four of them. I was like, well, this is disgusting. It's going to make me feel awful tomorrow. But I'm just doing it for the sake of it. Giving the concerned for you. Like actually concerned for you. Yeah.

So I actually had a red wine and a can over the summer because I was doing a gig in Brighton. And then I was getting the train with John Kerns back after. And something about John Kerns makes you want a drink on a train. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. And just was so.

In a fun way. Oh, I was so happy to see him. Because it was the first time I'd seen him after Taskmaster, I think, that they had these cans of wine at the gig. And normally, honestly, I'm like the most uptight person about drinking. It's to the point that I know he's a lot of people that I know. But I was like, I'll take a couple of cans

of dirty red wine for this train. And then we just had a gossip on the train. And it was great. And I felt like shit the next day. Yeah. Yeah. It's just the older I get as well. I can only drink most pub wine because there's something in it

that gives you a bad hangover. I genuinely agree with you. I think it's just like cheap red wine. But then I did it the other day. I was at a pub and just like, I'm going to drink red wine. And then you end up drinking large glasses of red wine. Next thing you know, you've had a bottle and a half of red wine. And you're drinking at the same speed that people are drinking pints.

You're like, there's nothing in this wine. It's just because of fucking nectar bottle of wine. Yeah. Awful. Do you know my drinkings actually? This summer's been the most I've drank in years, purely because I've been writing a book. And I keep thinking that I'm a French author.

Alcohol's marketed to us as this sophisticated thing. And because I have giant wine glasses in my house, I'm like, I'm middle class now, I'll drink on. Bowl of wine while we're writing my book. Then an hour later, you're just like, I'll tell you I'm not a French writer like this. But I took that and kicked with it. And then you just have to go and rewrite it all the next day.

I'd like to read that book though. Maybe your second book is just all the outtakes from this first one. People just get the juicy yachts. I've been doing the edits and I noticed she has cut the bits where I've just slagged off comedians when I've had a wine. As I always remember when we had Dara on this podcast, he talked about wines that he describes as writing wines.

That wine, he called it. No, that was the one he picked. Then he had other ones, you've got writing wines obviously when you sit down at night to write material and you sit there with a writing wine. I'm like, I could never manage that. My favorite thing with Dara, were you that... No, you had gone home by this point in Montreal

or maybe you just weren't there. Oh yeah, you just had a room party. Yeah, we had a room party at the end. We were watching the football and Dara joined us. We had been to Dairy Queen and got one of those pint-sized blizzards from Dairy Queen. And when he came in, we all talked. We said, oh, Dara, did they do the thing

where they make the blizzard and then they turn it upside down and then they give it to you to prove how frozen it is. And he went, yeah, it's so disconcerting when they do it because they look you in the eye and then they go... And then he just acted it out and he tipped it upside down and a pint of ice cream just went on Nish's hotel room top. Because he just... And we're like, do you like science?

Do you not think it would have melted on the way up here in the lift? He was just like, he couldn't handle it. Obviously, we're all laughing a lot. Sophie Duke was in the room and immediately... She was in charge of the tunes on the iPhone and immediately changed it to watch your flavour. It was the best thing to see.

But he stared right at me when he did it and I just had to watch the pints go out in slow motion. He tried to catch it with his hand. Within an hour, people who weren't in that room were going up to him and miming him doing it to him. Everyone was doing it. Oh, I'm sorry, I messed up. The word had got out that Dara has gone mad.

Yeah. We should get on to your dessert then. Well, this was my suggestion. Cardamomabula. Why are you laughing, Ben? Cardamomabula. Cardamom buns. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Was that a good sort of general Scandinavian? Nope. I didn't know where in the world it was from, I'll be honest. I said it more in Italian. Cardamomabula. Yeah, yeah, Cardamomabula. I thought it was Italian.

Yeah. So tasty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can make them. But they take a long time and it's very hard. I was having a look at the photos, so I knew which buns you were talking about. They're better than cinnamon buns, I would say.

I've been to Scandinavia. I just got back. Oh, yeah. I was so jealous. And they were these buns, which I'd never really seen much before, but they're in every single, just everywhere. Just everywhere.

Like, just in a newsagents, in a coffee shop, obviously, every hotel, like just everywhere I looked, they were selling these buns. Did you have one? I never had one. My tour manager was having them and enjoying them. I ain't good, but I think I wasn't really, I don't think I looked like anything that great visually.

Sorry, it just seems like if you were in Scandinavia, that would be like the number one thing to have. I've typically eaten princess cake. What? I've never heard of that, and I've been to all those countries, some of them multiple times. If you go to Stockholm, you've got to get the princess cake.

It's this cream and sponge, covered in a big layer of green marzipan. Oh, my God, that sounds absolutely disgusting. Is it disgusting at nine in the morning? Yes. Well, nine in the morning is actually the time to have a cinnamon bun or a cardamom bun. Yeah, yeah.

You can get them, they do have them in London, but it annoys me very much, like, they cost here, they do them in Gales, they do them in that place, Fabric, but they're like three or four quid. Whereas like you said, they're everywhere, I go to Denmark, I try and go to Denmark every year because I just love it so much.

So, yeah, I love them and it's a kind of bread. So, is it your partner has more cardamomabula than you? Yeah, yeah, he went, you don't like them? And I was like, no, I just don't eat all of them, because whenever I make them, he eats them all and I have to freeze some of the dough just so that it doesn't all get eaten. But I can make, I can braid them and make them look proper.

Oh, nice. Is that what they call your firm, Brady? Yes, that was so quick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Do you know everyone? From a living. I wish I was that quick.

You know Evelyn Mock? Yeah. She had one of my cardamomabula. She said. Changing on his side. She said they were tasty and that they, yeah, she was impressed as a Swedish person. That's good.

I once made Evelyn Mock a completely dairy-free meal at my house when I first moved to London because she said that dairy gave her the shits and then she just opened a pack of chocolate buttons at the end, I mean. She went, yeah, I'll just shit myself. All that work you'd done. I'd made a chocolate mousse out of like avocado

and sourced some vegan chocolate and stuff. I think if someone came over to my house for dinner and I'd made them a dinner and then I watched them deliberately eat something that they knew was going to make them do a horrible shit, in my house, I'd be livid. You'd be like, it's time to go home, darling. What's the normal sort of countdown?

What countdown are we on now that you've eaten those chocolate buttons? When to splash that time? Because you've got to go right now. She has a problem with dairy, but I mean, she was eating a load of halloumi for ages, I remember, so she just doesn't mind. Evelyn's done routines on stage about just how, you know,

she'll know something's bad for you. She almost deliberately gave herself gout once and didn't give a shit. Yeah. The other thing I was going to pick, though, was I got really into fancy chocolate. So I got given a chocolate subscription box as a Christmas present and it was like three months

where this company sends you, I think it's like four or five bars of fancy chocolate. You know, like that Pump Street chocolate? And it's like five or six, quite a bar. And then you're meant to just, like, delicately taste each one. And it has a thing with all the tasting notes. And it is dead nice.

Every single time I got it, just, we just hoofed it. Two days. And it's powerful. See, when you have like, what you don't realize is like fancy chocolate is like having a load of coffees, because something in it gives you a buzz. So it's not just like if you ate a big dairy milk, I was off my tits on it.

So I couldn't decide whether to pick that. What, some fancy dark chocolate? Yeah. But now I've started it. It doesn't even need to be dark. I think it's fine to like have a cardamomabula and then afterwards have a little bit of, a little bit of chocolate.

Oh my God. I'll let you have that for your dream meal. Thank you. Because once you start eating it, you can't go back. It's like once you get into good coffee, you can't turn back. That's the saying goes. I don't mind a shit coffee though. I like nice coffee, but shit coffee's functional.

Just a big bucket of shit coffee. No, I would have tea rather than have bad coffee. Do you worry something? Because I get the impression that for you, if you have like the best of something or the new, you know, you're the best you've had of something, you can't go back but in any category. So do you worry sometimes when you have something and go,

that's the best I've had, but now it's kind of ruined that entire food for me or that, because I can't now have a bad version of this. It's something I think about a lot because I worry about going, like I would never cope in prison because I've got to a point with coffee where I'll spend, because there's a coffee shop in Edinburgh called Fortitude that I honestly think is like the best coffee shop in the UK

and they do an incredible strawberry flavored fancy coffee. It's about 18 quid for a bag that'll give you three cups of coffee. I can't go to prison and have next coffee, which is what I imagine they have in prison. I love that. That is the reason you think you wouldn't cope in prison. Everything else is fine. Well, there's social stuff and I could do the lesson off.

But the foods, yeah, oh my God, I'd have to get people to smuggle in coffee and single origin chocolate and their fannies. I love the prison. Have you got another visit today? We're going to have to do a cavity search because there's probably going to be some Ethiopian beans in there. I'm going to read your menu back to you now,

see how you feel about it. Water, sparkling water, problems of bread, gales, potato and rosemary sourdough with quicks butter, whipped. Starter, tofu, yang bing? Yes. I'm saying that right. Main course, malatang, top level spice, rice noodles, Chinese savory donuts, veg, eggs, lotus root,

can't remember if you like it or not. Side dish, confit potato lacquers from Bubula? Bubula. Bubula, drink, baron de bullsack, cabinyan red wine from the stand. Dessert, codamomabula and then afterwards some fancy chocolate. Yeah. Single origin. Yes.

That's great. That's really good. I'm going to try it all. That might be one of Ed's, you know. Yeah, I wasn't going to say at the time, the codamomabula is not up my street. I'm going to say like bread. I don't really like cinnamon buns.

I don't like bun based things. Sweet breads is not my deal really. But everything else, I can't wait to go to Bubula. Yeah. And the jambing, I'm going to go and get a jambing. Oh, cool. I think you'll really like Bubula. Yeah.

It's all veggie as well, but not in a way that your meeting friends wouldn't even think of complaining. They wouldn't even think of complaining. And they told me that I'm not going to go. Yeah. Well, Fern, this has been a pleasure. Yes. Um, any other comedians you want to shout out for doing a shit?

Seriously thinking about it. All right. Okay. Well, I'll say no then. I've already done two. Well, you would have to give me a prompt. Yeah. I'll just name, we'll name comedians.

And when you know they've done a really bad shit, you can stop us. I suppose it would be like if someone, if she shared a green room with someone and they did smelly, smelly shits. I shared a taskmaster house with John and Dara and you all shared a toilet. Yeah. And they didn't, they didn't.

They were both clean. That's a nice note to end on, isn't it? You wouldn't expect that. You wouldn't expect that from either of them. Dara and John, I'd expect them both to be pretty industrial bad shits. Fern, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Thank you, Fern.

Fern Brady there. What a nap. My joke about that's why they call you Brady. Probably my real highlight. Really, I'm really pleased with that. Yeah. It's been a while since I've made a good joke. A good zinger.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Your normal stocking trade is just weird shit, right? Weird shit. It doesn't make sense. It's not quite a taste. Finally, it's something that would work on paper. When you were doing your speech at the Montreal Comedy Festival

to collect your rising star award, myself and Benito, very proud of you. Yeah, thank you, guys. We sat in front of a load of American and Canadian comedians who obviously didn't know who you were. Yes. You were making your speech, which was in your usual style. Yes.

And the comedians behind us were really laughing, but then one of them just kept going, he's so weird. So weird. And they weren't wrong. Yeah, you were pretty weird, man. It was a weird speech and I regret none of it. I said that I was a rising star and that Ed and Nishkuma were also stars

and that together we were Orion's belt, holding up the trousers of the industry and burning forever in heaven. I regret nothing. Neither should you. I know who else shouldn't regret anything. It's Fern Brady. That was a delicious menu.

I'm sure she's very happy with it. She made you green with envy. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to Bubola. Yeah, you're going to go there, you're going to get those potatoes. Yeah. Which looked astoundingly good. And the halloumi.

Don't mind telling you. Yeah, yeah. Even the honorable Munchens, you're going to be going out and rounding up and eating. Oh, my God. And also Fern didn't say the secret ingredients. She didn't say what I would really love as a side dish is a little polythene bag full of chopped up onion

that you get free with an Indian take away. Yeah, madness that she didn't say that. I really thought we had a... Yeah. Do go and get Fern's book, Strong Female Character. Yes. It's out on the 14th of February. Buy it for a loved one.

Oh, Valentine's Day. Why not have a little kissy over Fern Brady's bookie? Oh, yeah. That's a good slogan. They told us to say that, by the way. Yeah. It's not lift that. That's written down here.

I would never riff something as poor as that. It's written down on the brief. Says why not have a kissy over Fern Brady's bookie. That's what we had to say. Yeah. So I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy. All the PR people out there.

Listen, Ed. I've really enjoyed spending today with you. Yes. It's been fun. It's been fun, hasn't it? I don't think I've got anything to plug. No, no, I've got nothing to plug, really. Bye then.

But it looked like he was going to say something. Bye. So we both stopped. Yeah. But he wasn't going to say anything. He just, his face looked like he was going to say something. Benito is done with us today. He's Benito.

Yeah. Mate, what's happened to you? Yeah. Yeah. That's another. It's another. Another great joke. That's as good as that's why they call you Fern Brady.

The great Benito. The great Benito. What a shame we only record these ones every six months. Yeah. Never forget me, listener. Bye. I love you so much. Hello.

It's me, Amy Glentill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato. And our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread.

I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time.

The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glentill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News.

When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy. Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.