Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 186: John Kearns

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

The Kearnel himself, ‘Taskmaster’ star John Kearns, is this weeks’s dream diner. John Kearns is on tour now with ‘The Varnishing Days’. For tour dates and tickets go to johnkearnscomedy.co.uk John’s podcast ‘Microscope’ is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Follow John on Twitter @johnsfurcoat Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the spinach of bad times, putting it in the pan of the internet, and shrinking it down to an itty-bitty bit of bad time spinach. Oh, I thought, I wasn't ready there, so I thought you were going to add garlic or maybe you can trim it up. No, man. Maybe I should have added the garlic of humour. Yeah, it should have added. There was no humour in it. Is this going to be a humourless episode? No, I don't know. It depends what form John's on, but I was just mainly focusing

on we take bad times and shrink them down, because that's what spinach does, isn't it? It reduces right down. So this is what we're doing? Yeah. This is the Off Menu podcast, and it's a matriot day. I am a genie waiter, and we invite a guest every single week into our dream restaurant, and we ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is John Kerns, one of the greats. Fantastic. We love John Kerns. We were delighted to watch him absolutely knock things out the park on his fantastic series of Taskmaster. Well, he didn't knock things out the park. Well, he was brilliant and very funny. Yeah.

But everything stayed in the park. He mainly knocked it directly into his own face. Yeah, which is what we wanted to see. Yes. But yeah, he did. Most of it knocked directly into his own face, and he's on tour at the minute as well, and people want to go and see him. The vanishing days. John has never done. I was going to say never done a bad show. He's never done an all right show. He's always done a fantastic show, and you want to get yourself along and see John live. I've booked to go and see him. Exciting. It's doing a big show at the Bloomsbury Theatre. I've booked to go and see that. You'll be excited. I'll be there. So listen out for Ed. If you're in the Bloomsbury audience,

listen out for that Ed Gamble laugh because he lets it fly. I let that bad boy fly, especially when I'm watching John Kerns. He's brilliant. Yes. But despite that, if John Kerns says an ingredient that we do not like or that we're not happy with or that we've just come up with randomly, he's gone. He is gone. And this week, the secret ingredient is double cheeseburger. Double cheeseburger. Because John picked double cheeseburger for a task in Taskmaster. So we're being sneaky here because we've seen him order it on TV before. He was doing a task where you can order any three items. Didn't even have to be food to use in the task without knowing what the task was. And he thought of a double cheeseburger. So this is when he has

the choice of anything in the world. So now we asked him just food. This could very well be a kicker outer. Yeah, it could be a kicker outerer. But you know what? If it is, so be it. But I'd be sad to see him go. Yeah. But also, anyone who's seen him at Taskmaster will expect him to get kicked out of this. Absolutely. This is the off menu menu of John Kerns. Welcome, John, to the Dream Restaurant. Oh, thanks for having me. Welcome, John Kerns, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Thanks for having me. Good to see you. Good to see you, John. Yeah, you look nice today. Thank you. You look nice today. Thank you. Rosie Cheeked.

Rosie Cheeked today. Yeah, I feel Rosie Cheeked. Well, it's because it's cold outside, I guess, isn't it? So it's the cold to the warmth. This room's quite warm. It's actually driver didn't have the heating on. Yeah. And then he was getting a phone call from his mate, and he quickly had to get it onto his headphones. But in between him having it like loud, so I could hear his headphones, the guy was going, hate this job, can't stand this job, an hour, second me out. And he was talking. His mate was saying that. Yeah, his mate and his mate, it took him two hours to try to hear from. The taxi driver that you had wasn't shouting, I hate this job, and then immediately stopped speaking. No, no, the taxi driver,

he was talking to his mate, it was also a taxi driver. Right. And he was saying, you learned from your mistakes, calm down. Did you know he was a taxi driver, his other mate? Did he say that, or did he say he hated his job? Because he could have been anything, he could have been a lion tamer. To be honest, he didn't ever tell me he was a taxi driver. Yeah, you're assuming that. Yeah, but I would have been a lion tamer. Hate this job, hate this job, took me two hours to tame a lion. To tame a lion this morning. That's quite quick though, isn't it? Two hours. Yeah, I could have done it. No, not for a show. The lion tamers, they get a 15-minute slot like everyone else at the circus.

So you've got to do it in a spot like that. They're not bringing in a new lion every day, are they? I'd imagine they're pre-taming lions. Do you know what? Yeah, I guess the lion is pretty tame. Yeah. Because he knows the guy, you know, the lion comes out like, are you again? Yeah. The lion's putting on a show. The lion puts on the show. Yeah, he's acting ferocious. But you never know when they could flip. See if you can avoid. Well, the lion. Yeah. I like watching those videos. You know when... Tiger, see if you can avoid. Yeah. They can flip. Sorry. The tiger can flip. I used see if you can avoid as an example of like, no matter how tame you've got it, they are still dangerous animals. Yeah. But they're tigers. They're tigers got lions. And I don't want

people listening to this thinking that I don't know that see if you can avoid used to train tigers and not lions. We'll get tweets. Yeah. And that's Benito's time that's being taken with those tweets. Yeah. I'm sorry. What are you going to say? I like watching the Spanish guys get done. You know what I mean? The bullfighters. The bullfighters. Yeah. Yeah. You got, I mean... What a brave sentence to throw out there. Yeah, I think you've got to be specific, really. That's when you know the guest is already friends with the podcast hosts and the producer and knows that he's going to be okay in the long run. He can say this. Yeah. I like watching the Spanish guys get done. They're going to save me. They're not going to take me out to dry here. I'm all right. Wait,

so like, have you ever, anyone, so someone who you've never met before, so who's done the podcast that you've never met before? It's not, I mean, it's been a long time. Yeah. Yeah. So would you have not picked him up for that? What I mean is, if I was a guest on a podcast and I didn't know the hosts or the producer, I would not be certain that I would be okay throwing that out. Ed and I, no matter who the guest was, we would, we would catch him with, we'd sort it out. But if I didn't know him, I'd be like, if I just say I like it when the Spanish guys get done, I would expect them, I would fear that they would go, um, okay, should we talk about food and move on? And I'm like, fuck no. Don't just put that out as it is. I'm at bullfighting. Yeah. I'm at bullfighting. You

know where the ball just goes? Yeah. Yeah. Sod this guy, flips him. Yeah. Yeah. And then all the crowd run up. Where they run? Does the crowd run? Are you now thinking about Pamplona and the running of the balls? Oh, no, no, no. Well, that's what, that's when they're on the street. Yeah. Yeah. They get, people get flipped there too. Yeah, watch that. They get flipped big time. Yeah. Yeah. You watch the latest Jackass film? No. Donnie Knoxville got flipped by a bull. Oh, I saw that in the trailer. Yeah. Yeah. Well, is it, does he do that? Is he doing that thing where he's running down the street? No, no. He's in a ranch, you know, in a, you know, massive bullpen and they just let the, they let the bull in and the bull is angry. Not been tamed. And it goes through him

like he's not even there. Like, like full speed. Yeah. And he flips twice in the air, lands, and then he's making gurgling grunting sounds because he's, he's swallowing his tongue. Yeah. He has to go to hospital. They're filming all that. They're filming it. Yeah. They're rolling on it. They're getting the footage, but he gets stacked by day. You'd love it. Unless you, you only like seeing Spanish guys get done. Yeah, he's not Spanish. I don't know if I, how old were you when Jackass was on? 12 or 13, probably the first time around. Was it on terrestrial television? MTV. No, see, this is, I didn't see this. You watched Jackass? I don't, I don't think I did. Do you remember the first movie coming out? That was a big thing. Yeah, I remember the movie.

Yeah. Did you like it? Is it your sort of thing? No, it wasn't my sort of thing. I didn't like wrestling either. No, I liked quite different. But you and your brothers didn't want to go and watch it. And it's, I know you and your brothers, you know, were quite close growing up and running around together. And like, I don't know if like you would want to go and watch the Jackass film together and it would capture your imagination and you'd be talking about it afterwards wanting to do Jackass stuff. No, I remember seeing films I've seen with my brothers. Yeah. Yeah. I saw The Dark Knight, my brother. Yeah. I saw Hunchback and Dr. Darm. Yeah. And I saw, what was the film before Pirates of the

Caribbean? It was an amazing pirate film before the franchise. It's not made by the same people. No, no. It's like a pirate film that kind of just made a great, yeah, yeah, yeah. Muffet's Treasure Island? No. Late 90s. Absolutely incredible. Went to that. Absolutely incredible. Oh, brilliant film. Don't bother Benita. Oh, I'm curious now about what big pirate film John and his brothers like to see. Babe. Saw Babe. That's not a pirate film. That's not, it's about a pig. That's not a pirate film. Yeah. Saw Babe. Yeah. Do you sometimes, when you think you saw a film when you were young, and you can't really remember the exact year, and then you look it up, and then you kind of

just imagine that, like that year. What do you mean? What? What do you think I mean? Like, you know, you look up Babe. It was 1996. And then I just remember us getting in the car and going to my nan's for like a late night, night, night, night, five. Oh, it wasn't my nan then. Who was that? Oh. Oh, no. That's a very precise... Well, she wasn't born in 95. Who, my nan? Why would it not be your nan in 95, but it would have been in 96? Apparently in 96 you're going to visit your nan. It must have been my nan. Who else am I going then? Well, what is that other question then? You were like, 96. I'm probably going to my nan's. 95. I wouldn't be my nan then.

Was she not born? What's going on? My nan was born by 95. Yeah? Or why aren't you going to visit her? But in 96 you are. Why aren't I speaking in terms? Maybe I'll speak cool. By 90, you know, a bit like, oh, no, I'm out. You were in 95, but back in in 96. No, no, no. I was back... No, I was in in 95. Yeah. I was happy to go see my nan. Yeah. Biscuit tin. That's a nickname. Telly on. Nice and cosy in there. Nice and cosy. What were you watching on telly at your nan's? I remember, you know what? I remember, you know, like the best room. I don't know. It's maybe it's

an Irish thing, but the front room of a house is like the best room. So if they have guests over or something, my family have it as well, like this posh kind of room that isn't used. But then when you're entertaining, this is the room that's used. So for some reason, I don't know. My nan was in there with my mum and I was on my own in the in the back room with the telly was. The worst room. Yeah. Terrible room. So as you get in, get in the back room, John. I wanted to go to the back room. Yeah, yeah. That's where the TV was. There's not a TV in the best room. How's it the best room? No, that's where you talk. How can you call it the best room if there's a telly in it? There's a fire. There's a real fire

in there. And you talk. You talk, man. Yeah. But not, they didn't want to talk to you. I was in the back room. I was happy to be in the back room. And I remember seeing the Brasai, the Pido one. Yeah. But I was at the age where I didn't understand satire or Pidos. Well, yeah. So I'm what I had no idea what I was watching. Yeah. Like, you know, proper taking it, taking every, imagine watching that and taking it completely, completely, literally. I should be in all the rest of the family in the best room. No idea. I know. Where's John? And I had the volume down in the back room watching some comedy about Pido.

Yeah. Well, yeah. That's value. Well, sometimes when dad, I know he wanted a break maybe. You could see adults taking breaks from the best room, come into the back room, and you could see this is where they have a breather. And they just watch a bit of telly and they chat to you and they have a biscuit or whatever. And they got to go back and chat. It doesn't seem like it's the best room if people are having to. No, but the best room, it's like, it's where you have the best, best China bowls of like, you know, crisps, fire roaring. And it's where the talking is happening. The adults are talking, you know what I mean? Whereas I'm in the back room. Watching a show about Pidos.

Yeah. I didn't know what it was about. When they, I wasn't laughing though. I remember that. Too much of being in the best room. They're tired. I had to go and sit with John for a bit. Yeah. No, you're not going to talk to him. I needed a breather from all this great stuff. Honestly, they didn't talk to me. I'll say this. It all goes over my head, that stuff. What? Cuba or Satire or... It's my high Satire life. Yeah. Yeah. Is Four Lines not... Yeah, Four Lines is also... What do you think Four Lines is? What is Four Lines? It's a Cuba.

It's a funny show. It's a funny film. Yeah. What like Dumb and Dumber? Robert Diggie Rapids, huh? That's a funny film. Yeah, sure. It doesn't get any better than that. Oh, it's still good. Still quite a lot of time. That is so funny. Yeah, yeah. What bit are you thinking of right now? I'm thinking of... So, you're saying there's a chat. I'm picturing him in his orange suit. Wiggling his bum.

Do you know what I'm picturing? Diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The squeaky fart of the air that makes him laugh. Yeah, the little squeaky fart of the air that makes him laugh. Me and my brothers are the wizards. You drop the salt. It only chucks the salt, but I'm not sure. Oh, the salt, yeah, yeah. That's all we did.

As far as the salt shake go, I'm not sure. That's all we did. I think that's the film I've seen the most. Yeah, yeah. I used to watch it all the time. You could do the whole script. Recorded it off TV. Had to fast forward through the adverts every time we rewatched it. What happened? You know, I saw it at a sleepover, a mate's sleepover. And was it 12? Was it a 12?

Yeah, it was a 12, I think. Right. I wasn't allowed enough to watch it. When my mum picked me up, I refused to say what film we'd watched. And it just got weird, obviously, because I was just refusing to say it. Yeah. And obviously, in her mind, she just thinks, what the fuck? She thinks you've watched porn. John, this is what she thinks at that point.

She's thinking, I'll get it out of him. Surely no child can be comfortable with huge long silences. She'd made a match. Also, you didn't watch the same film as the rest of them, because you're in a different room. You're in the back room. Yeah. They all sleep and have a big sleepover together,

watching Dumb and Dumber. You're in the back room watching Rescuers Down Under. Great film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful music at the end. Yeah, yeah. That's a stunning film, actually gorgeous film.

I referenced it on Taskmaster. They cut it out. Oh, really? Because no one understood what I was talking about. I said the bit, I was imagining the bit where, you know, when he's climbing up the comb, the hair comb to get into the bottle. I don't know what he's doing. He's a mouse, by the way.

I said I was trying to do that on a task. No, everyone's looking at me like, what are you talking about? When you asked if the TV aerial was a ladder. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember one of many good questions you asked on the show. My favourite question being, what so we don't get another guy?

That's it, no, join your out. What do I get another guy? No, he's ever asked that on the show. They just accept how TV shows work. What do I get another guy? No, you're on Taskmaster. You're right, John. You should let people have another guy.

Let them have another guy. You're on tour, John. Huh? Yeah. The vanishing days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very exciting to be back out on the road. I think so, yeah.

Well, truth is, I've sold some tickets. Yeah, as well as you should. So I think that'll be, well, that's different from last time. Spice it up a bit. Yeah, people in the room. Yeah. Well, it's exciting. Okay.

Yeah, a lot of people discovering you now. You've been doing, I'd say, immaculate phenomenal shows for years. And now they get to, I'm excited for all these people who get to see you for the first time and discover the world that you create on stage. Fair to say, John, a whole world. I guess so. I think, I don't know, it's, I don't know if you've ever worried about this. Well, no, I think, Ed, you probably, Ed, you probably-

Just turn your response into worries immediately. Yeah. People get to discover your phenomenal immaculate shows. I'm worried. No, like, I'm not worried. Yeah, yeah. But at the same time, I am slightly different to maybe how I am on television. But for example, Ed, I don't know if people listen to this,

see your telly, they go see your live. Yeah, there's like a nice line there. There's a connect. There's a connect. Yeah. Yourself, James, you've played with character. Persona. He's dabbled.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, big time. Even, you know, even your last show, which I saw, you know, there's nice things being, you know, you're playing with nice things there when it comes to front. And then what's, you know, what's in the back, you know what I mean? There's a shop. There's a shop.

You're like, your shop, you're waving, you leave your door open. Yeah. And you're stood at the counter, which is way back, and you're just waving. And there's a window open behind you. And, you know, and I can see, I can see the shop. You see straight through me. It's like one of those Scandinavian kind of clothes shops where they sell like full white shirts. Yeah, lovely shop.

It's classy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what you get, and it's just bang. It's just good stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. James' shop, it's open, but the door's shut. It's a fantastic front shop, though. Yeah.

It's beautiful. It's like Victorian, almost like, you know what I mean? Like beautiful shop. You want to go in, you're intrigued. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what's in there? You're over the door. There's a little bell.

Dee, dee, dee, dee. Yeah. Whimsical bell. Yeah. Yeah. Little whimsy British bell. They don't have that in America. That's why they love you over there.

They're not used to the bell. You're a little bell when you're over the door. They think that's me. They think that's my thing. It's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn the penny, mate. Door shuts straight.

Like it's got a snap to it, like a fire exit door almost. Yeah. It's quite scary, though. Bang. Yeah. You're in. Completely empty shop. But then there's a door.

Yeah, there's a door. And then it's like, I don't know, it's like 2001. Like it's like, it's like a, what's that plinth thing in 2001? It's like that. And you walk towards like this orb. Yeah. You go in. It ran out of steam that, didn't it?

Well, allow me to return the analogy. What's my shop like? The front looks like it's boarded up. People are like, oh, is this a, it's a bit of a fixer upper, I guess. It looks like it's falling apart, but it's got some charm to it. They open the door. Everything's on fire. So I'll take fire.

I thought you were going to go like, you know, like a film set. You open it and it's just like, yeah, it's a facade. It just falls down. Yeah. It's just enough on there. Yeah. But you fit perfectly for the door. But here's the thing with comedy.

Who's shop would I rather have? I'd rather work in a shop. I don't like my shop. But you have to have the shop. You have to have the shop that you have. Yeah, but you never want to work in your own shop though. No one wants to work in their own shop. Because you've got to deal with all the, you know, all the tax and stuff.

Yeah. Most of us are going to someone else's shop. Yeah. Have a little browse. It's like restaurants. Like there's a restaurant near me. They've just, they've just, there was a sign on the door going, we're a dark restaurant now.

What? You know, dark restaurants where they just become takeaway only. Oh, I thought you meant like one of the restaurants where you have to eat in the dark. Yeah. That's a gimmick some places do. The Japanese say that harsh lighting, no, low lights cuts the app. No, is it, is it, is it bright lights or low lights?

Oh my God. Bright lights. I would say I've never seen anyone go into something so confidently and then fall apart so quickly. Because there was no, like, we're just talking about, you can be like, oh, about these dark restaurants or whatever. And then, right, I've got something here. Yeah, I do.

The Japanese. Yes. Yes. Japanese, bright. I'd say if I'm starting any sentence that starts with the Japanese. Yeah, you've got to follow. I'd better damn well know where it's going. I know where it's going.

Yeah, yeah, go on. The Japanese, the Japanese restaurant, the Japanese culture, harsh lighting, is it a thing? Japanese culture in restaurants, harsh lighting cuts the appetite in half. Low lights keeps you hungry. So in this restaurant, I want the lights low. I want little candles flickering around. And I want to be in a little booth.

I want the booth to be higher than my head. Yes. I can't see, I hate the booths where you've just got head. Do you know what I mean? The booths, you know, you get put in a booth. But you can still see someone's head. On the other side of the booth. I know what you mean.

So you're sat, and the booth goes up to your neck. Yeah, yeah. Ah, you can't stand that. If you're sitting, you might almost sit back to back with someone else you don't know. You just see these heads bobbing about. If you put your head back, you could almost tap someone else's head, couldn't you? I don't want to see that. I want the booth where you're like bang, you're like locked in.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like there's a pub in Northern Ireland, which has. The crown? Yeah, yeah, the stained glass booths. Perfect. Oh yeah, that's what I want. I didn't go there thanks to fucking Phil Wang. What?

I was meant to go, went to do Mastermind. Wang was on the same day he recorded as me, different episode. Yeah. I was like, Wang, let's go out. I found where they do the best seafood chowder. Let's go there afterwards. We go to the crown. That's meant to be great.

Comes out for the chowder, then goes, I'm not going to go to the crown. I'm going to go home and revise. For what? For Mastermind the next day. Oh my god, what do you mean? I couldn't believe my ears. I didn't want to go to the crown on my own. So I ended up going back to the hotel as well.

But I was like, are you joking me, Wang? You're revising. He was like, yeah, I've got to revise. Isn't the whole point of what you pick on Mastermind? Is that you know it? Well, kind of. But people revise for it because they want to make sure they win. But you win the same amount of money for your charity.

So as soon as they told me that, I was like, I'm not revising. So I didn't. Did you do ice cream? Yeah, I did history of ice cream. History of ice cream. I didn't revise. Absolutely. You were terrified beforehand, though.

Really terrified beforehand because they make you feel scared. Well, they play that music, don't they? Well, the whole thing is like, apparently the guy who created Mastermind, he was captured during a war and interrogated. And that's how he got the idea for the show. Really? It was from that. So it's all designed to make you absolutely feel panicked and anxious.

So it works. The whole day is like, oh, man. This isn't Humphrey's era, is it? No, this is Clive. Clive, oh, that's... Well, I'd feel... Lovely, man. I'd have comfort with Clive.

Yeah, yeah. I was like, or at least... I wasn't scared. At least I'm there now. At least I'm not doing it back in the day. Yours was... Was yours food-based? No, I did 30 Rock.

So I just had to watch 30 Rock. How did you both do? I don't know. I did all right. Second from last year? I came joint... Joint second. Phil Wang, with Charlie Hixon.

In his episode. What was his, sir? New Zealand Wines. Yeah, Wines. What's he got? What's he got in front of him? What's he reading? Labels?

Wine. Come on, man. What would your special subject be before we... I don't know. Get onto your menu. You don't know. Do you know what I know? I think I might well...

Houses of Parliament? Yeah, you were talking about houses of parliament. You know shitloads about it. No, no, no. This is the problem. This is what scares me about that show. You think you know stuff. I think I know more than the average person

about the history of the houses of parliament. Yeah. But set opposite Clive, that spotlight on me. I don't know. I think I'm freezing. You're freezing. Just like you do with Taskmaster. That's what Munger said to you, right?

Every time you get asked a question, you're free. You're free. Yeah, but yeah. Well, he did say that. Well, he said that's what was funny. Oh yeah, hey. No, it's disputed that. He said, he said...

We're laughing, aren't we? He said, he said, you know why you're funny? He said, no, I don't mind you. He said, because when you ask a question, you freeze. I'm in no rush, I don't know. What's the rush? People constantly rushing to answer the questions. Just chill, man.

Let it brew. Let it brew. Maybe Parliament or maybe Lucian Freud. I like him. Really? I didn't know you knew a lot about Freud. Well, I'm interested in him. When was he born?

30s? Immediately lost in last place. Really? What, you can't say that? You can't say that? You've got to do a specific year. Well, no, because I think the question would then have to be, what year was he born?

Yeah, I won't get quite to ask that. You'll get quite to ask that. I'll go, might have been 20s. You'll say that. You say, ask me roughly what decade he was born in. Sure, that's kind of, no, no, no. But if I got a mastermind and the first question is, when was he born?

I'd be like, that's not why I'm here. That's route one. I've just been revising. I've just spent the past, since I was confirmed, probably someone's dropped out, so two days. I've been cracking through that biography on the double speed of the speakers. Yeah, but what's on the first page, probably?

No, it's definitely 100% wrong. You've never opened a biography and the first page says when they're born, no way. I think it probably does make me... No, no, no. No, no, no. The last page isn't when they die. It's, that is not how biography works.

What's the first page? What biography? Huh? What's the first page? The first page of a biography? It's not when they're born, but it's... What is it, then? Do you know, they always start with a weird moment,

like a thing that really sums them up. Is that autobiography? No, autobiography is... Autobiography, you open it up. The first chapter is usually why they're famous, why the person has bought it. So if an X-factor winner writes their autobiography, guaranteed, you open the page, it's about X-factor.

Chapter two, three is about where they're born. I reckon birth date, first page. That's wrong. Lucy Freud was told to, before he goes to a party, have a wank in the taxi, because it makes your eyes shine. Right. I've had it with this job. I hate this job.

Took me two hours to get this guy to stop wanking in the back of my gap today. Oh, he's making a party. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was angry. So you telling us that, because you think that's the sort of question that Clive Myrie might ask you. What advice has Lucy Freud given about going to parties? To make his eyes shine.

How would Lucy Freud make his eyes shine? He would have a wank in the back of a taxi. Yeah, that's tough. Correct, John. That's tough. When was he born? Fuck off. That's not why I'm here.

No, I'm not a date. Dates, come on. Dates. Look up the dates, Clive. You can look up the dates. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not like a robot. If, one last question before we get into talking about food.

If you were on Mastermind and one of the people you were up against was a robot, would you complain about that? Would you complain if you were up against a robot? What, I'm competing? Who else am I competing with? A robot? Yeah, one of them's a robot. Right.

So the other two people are Schellbaker. And then for Christie. And then for Christie. And then the fourth person is an AI robot. And everyone knows it's not like... Yeah, it's clearly a robot. They're a celebrity because they're the first AI that can pass the chewing test. Wow.

Do you complain and say this isn't fair? Or do you just go, it's for charity, who cares? I'm absolutely delighted to meet this robot. Make sure I get a picture with them. And I just sit back and wait. They'll be able to do the dates. But they won't be able to do the kind of, you know, emotion. But what emotion?

That's not to be one of the questions on Mastermind is how do you... Okay, robot sits there. You're the best contestant we've ever had on Mastermind. Somehow I managed to get through 40 questions with you. And also your general knowledge is insane. We've got a 50. You've got 90 points. Just sat there bored.

No emotion. Place erupts. I'm probably on my feet clapping. Just sat there. That's where I go. He can't enjoy it. You know, we know a lot of people who have great success. We all know very wealthy people.

But do they enjoy it? So that's why I think when I see the robot, I'll be like, yeah, you've beat me fair and square. I've never known... Never known anyone get 90 in Mastermind. Yeah. But you just sat there, mate. You're just waiting to be taken back to your little box.

So I don't care. He can have the win. See what I care. I care. Still a spark in water is how we always start on the podcast, John. As you take a sip of water there. Tap. Tap water. Still tap water. So in your dream, it's your dream meal.

Yeah. You would like tap water. I mean, you can pick it. People pick it. People pick it, but I'm just... James has come out that gets very, very confrontational here. She couldn't believe... It's too much fun for me to pick.

Yeah, I know. My land couldn't believe how much water me and my brothers drank. Because you watch all those pirate films in all thirsty. What do you mean? I don't know. I just remember she'd laugh about... She'd be like, I've never known children to drink as much water as you boys. I don't think old people...

She grew up in Ireland on a farm and stuff in the 1930s. I don't think they drank much water. I think it was milk and stuff. And also, old people don't drink a lot of water. Do you know this? No. It's true. You've got to get old...

You've got to get old... I just drank milk. You've got to get old people don't drink enough water because they don't want to go up and down the stairs. It's true. And they get tired and they get dehydrated. So when she was laughing at us going, God, you boys drink so much water.

I remember thinking, you need to drink some water. How old were you? 10, 15. But she would laugh about it. Like, because we'd always have water with food. And she'd be like, this is crazy. She just wouldn't understand why we'd do it. And do you still like water a lot as well?

Do you drink a lot of water now? Well, I probably don't drink as much as I should, but then I always think I need to drink. You know, if I'm feeling tired or anything, it's always, always water. Yeah. That really is... Well, it's not always, but you know what I mean?

It's get a pint of water down and you're fine. Peps you up. I've got a nice jug that I might have put out, like, you know, with the meal. Nice jug of water. Have you got a jug at home that you'd like to use? I've got four jugs. Take us through them and rank them.

I've got a big jug. Like, you might put squash in for kids. You know, like one you might have had in the... You know, when you were a kid. Yeah. And, you know, your mum had like a big jug. And that was like a fun jug. And he had like patterns on his stuff.

So I've got one of them. I've got patterns on it. Orange and lemons. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. That's too big. I don't put that out for a meal.

That's too big. Yeah. If it's just me and my partner. Like a mum's fun jug just for like events. Well, yeah. It's a good question. I don't know. I rarely use it.

Then there's a couple of other jugs in there. Take us through one. You know what jugs there. Well, all right. Well, there's a nice kind of... It looks quite Greek, you know, like white and blue. Nice. But I've never used that.

I'm trying to think why. I don't know. Would you put flowers in it maybe if you weren't using it for water? Yeah, but the flowers have long stems. And I know you can cut them before anyone says anything. And I did have a pink jug, a beautiful pink jug. I don't know.

I guess a food podcast makes me think about my grandparents, I suppose. But my nan for Christmas growing up in Ireland would get a jug of jam. What? That would be their present. A jug of jam? Yes.

I don't know. How big is this jug? Bigger than a jam jug? Well, for Christmas, a few years ago, before she passed, I bought her a jug and I went to a very posh place. I didn't realise how much this jug was going to cost me. My God. And then I put a jar of jam in it.

As in the whole jar or you scooped out the... I put the whole jar in it. Yeah, the whole jar in it. You didn't pour the jam into it. Well, I was thinking about that. But I was like, she's not going to eat that much jam. Anyway, I washed my son's hair with that jug now. And full disclosure, I used to.

And then I think someone's broken it and isn't admitting it because I can't find this jug now. Oh, shit. And I've asked my mum who went round when we were away. I've asked Gabby, everyone's going, don't know, it must be somewhere. That's gone. Someone's dropped it and he's not admitting it to me.

Yeah. Because it cost me 50 quid for a jug. I mean, Christ. Yeah. That is expensive for a jug. I didn't know. Do you know what? I went to the shop.

It was a guy like ceramicist. He stood there or surrounded. And you know, you think how much is a jug going to cost? You're like, yeah, you're right, mate. He's like, brilliant. You like that? Looks brilliant, mate. Wrapping it up for me.

And then he tells me 50 quid. 50 quid, yeah. And because he's like a little tiny little shop just making his pots. What are you going to do? What did the front of the shop look like? Do you know what? It's just a door.

It's white. And then there's a little poster saying kids can come in and make pots. So it doesn't really prepare you for the fact you're going to go in there and everything's really expensive. Then spend 50 quid. I tried to reason that, you know, it must cost a lot, but nah, he just probably sells one a week.

That's why. So that's gone. I don't know where that is. But you wash your kids head with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful. So. Pouring it over his head.

Your grandmother would get a jug of jam every Christmas. Why? Why? Well, there's not a, there's not a, there's not a Toys R Us in the West of Ireland in 19... Whatever year it was. I don't know when Toys R Us was invented, but... So it was a jug of jam.

If there was a Toys R Us in Ireland in the 1920s, they go in... By the way, that's the second time on the podcast you've changed something from the 1930s to the 1920s. They can't believe what they're seeing. The giraffe. I don't know. I don't know. They've probably never seen a giraffe.

Yeah. Plus what you want. You think the giraffe's crazy. Step inside. Yeah. So it was a jug of jam. You know, like in Christmas, you know, like Christmas, you know, like, uh, 1999 or wherever it was.

1985. Yeah, wherever. Do you remember like, you know, they always do the Christmas. It is the best. It is what kids want. Yeah. Advert. The advert.

But like, no, they'd always be like the top selling toy for Christmas. It would be the one that everyone wanted. Right. So telly tubbies. Tracy Island. Tracy Island. Tracy Island. 30s Island.

It's a jug of jam. I didn't ever change for, made a jug of jam forever. I know. I was the first person to buy a one. Oh, you were doing it. It's a lovely, it's a lovely touch. It was a lovely, it shows I was listening. Yeah, that's good.

I don't think she can be asked with it because, you know, she now knows. Toys R Us. Chuck Lewis. She's seen the giraffe now. Yeah, she's seen the giraffe. She doesn't need a jug of jam. We're giving a jug of jam for her.

I had these back when there was, there was shit back then. No, but I bought, what? You think I'm just buying like a normal jar of jam? No, go on. How much the jam cost you? I think it was like a posh, you know, like a tip tree one. Yeah. Good stuff.

Yeah. You know, like you can sometimes find shops where they sell absolutely thousands of variations of raspberry jams, strawberry jams. I bought one of them. Strawberry? Yeah, strawberry jam. Pop it up as well, bread. Pop it up as well, bread.

John Cairns. Pop it up as well, bread. Bread, please. Can I have some bread, please? Thank you. Are you going to act it out like you're ordering it as well? Yeah. For the whole thing.

Yeah, great. No, I love it. Your little lovely restaurant. Hello there. May I have some bread, please? The bread I like is, it's like, well, it's a focaccia. Yeah. Sun dried tomatoes and rosemary.

Love it. But I'd like it. I'd like the one they sold in Sainsbury's in the 90s. Oh, yeah. Because I felt, when my parents were entertaining, that was like the only time this bread would be out. Yeah. And it felt posh.

Yeah. It felt crazy. It would come out of the oven warm. Is it the one that came in the foil tray? Yeah. You bought it in the foil tray, warm it in the oven. Yeah. Yeah, I want that.

I'm fully behind this. So far, all of your stories, I can't relate to any of them. The good room, jugs of jam. I don't know what, this isn't my childhood. I'm not belittling it. No, I know you're not. I'm not poo-pooing it or just messing it. Thank you.

But I'm like, got to get my head round them. Yeah. The 90s focaccia from Sainsbury's. Yeah. Coming out when the parents were entertaining. Yes. Absolutely my childhood. I know the exact one that you mean.

Yeah. And it was the first I've ever heard of that kind of bread. Yeah, I didn't know what was going on. Yeah. Very, I mean, my memory of it is quite doughy. Doughy and oily. That's oily. I mean, I've never been a thin child or, well, a thin adult.

Lots of, lots of butter. So much butter on it. You're buttering up the focaccia. Christ, yeah. Oh, man. I know. I used to, my mum used to put butter on croissants. I do that.

Well, I do that. If I, now, if I'm having a croissant now, I block a butter croissant. Yeah. I'm buttering up the croissant, chunk by chunk. Jam. Yeah, I do that.

Straight from the jug. For good jam, pour it over. They should, yeah. They should sell jam in jugs. Instead of a jar, why don't you put a little funnel on it? Anyway, the focaccia from Sainsbury's. But yeah, I wanted that particular one. Because, you know, my parents were very good at entertaining.

My mum was a really kind of good cook and my dad would do the bar. My mum did the food. The bar? Like, yeah, that would be his job. But you'd get the bar going. Did he have like a little bar set up? Or do you mean he just did the drinks?

Yeah, he just did the drinks. Yeah. I used to drink like Canada. But like, you know, they'd have like the thing. And I used to, like, when they'd go out, I'd like down like little Canada dries, thinking they were like alcohol. Ah, so you thought you were getting on it.

Yeah. They knew. He's drinking another Canada dry again. Yeah, he's drinking. They've all gone again. He thinks, he's pretending to be. He's placebo'd himself. He's filled him back up with water,

but he can't shut the can. So it's an open can of water again. It's an open can of water. That's why his grandmother thinks he drinks so much water. He's put his pants on his head. He thinks he's drunk. Oh, God. But yeah, I'd like that bread, please.

I want it in like a rat-an wicker kind of basket, with like a nice kind of napkin in there. Then was that how your parents would do it when they were entertaining? Honestly, I have strong memories of those nights, where, you know, there's laughter, there's music. My mum does the spread, the food, you know. I don't know, salmon, beef bourguignon,

peripherals, prawn cocktails. Dad's, yeah, he's got the, he's got ales lined up. And they're lined up like, you know, the labels all facing the way. Fantastic. What I like about you, I like a lot of things about you, John. One of the things I like about you is how fond you are of memories. Yeah.

The present for you is frustrating, that you have to put up with it because it's not a memory yet, that you can look back on and refer to it in a way that- Do you know what, that's very, very astute. Yeah, that is good. But I think a lot of comedians think like that, because the dread of going to the gig, you're thinking, I can't wait for this to be a memory.

In the past, yeah. In 10 years time, you'll be talking about this, going, oh, I remember it. Ed and James. Sat there. Benito. Box of tissues. And that's how you remember everything,

is a list of like, microphones, diet cokes, happiness. Talking. But I don't, you think, I still, I, but I, we, we've all had this, when you go past venues where you've gigged, when you were younger, or venues that aren't venues anymore. I sometimes stand around them, just, you know, walk and look up, and picture, you know, I see myself gigging and all that. Yeah.

Also, you're giving yourself the respect, seeing you're young, feeling you're younger, self-walking into that door, doing a gig, being absolutely crap. You're like, where'd I get the balls to do that? I think that bread choices is lovely. Because I distinctly remember that foil tray. It's warm. Yes.

And you know, I am, now I'd have it with a bit of oil, obviously, and all that. But I want, I want a big slab of anchor butter. Yeah. Salt. Salty. I want it salty. I want it hot.

I want it doughy. And, you know, I want to tuck in. Do you reckon you'd do the whole tray? Were you sharing it with someone? In my mind, in this booth, I think, what's a good number? I reckon I've got about, I reckon I've got about four friends around me. Four friends. Any particular friends?

No. No? No. Just general friends. In my mind, like, again, I'm trying to picture this meal. They're just kind of like shapes. Yeah. I'm seeing kind of like heads fly back laughing.

Yeah. Well, I'm imagining who I always imagine when it's with your stories. Who? Your brothers. Always, I imagine you with your brothers. I don't know why there's something funny to me about you and your brothers. I've never met them.

Have you? Have you not met them? But I love the stories that you have about, about you and your brothers. You always just sound like you were running around the three of you. Just like little naughty kids from the beano. I imagine you like the farmers from Fantastic Mr Fox. Yeah.

Oh, they're beautiful boys. They are beautiful boys. Yeah, yeah. They're handsome. They're handsome. And yeah, we try and go for a meal every year. I mean, they're seriously, it's nice that we all get on and have a nice time. You know, you meet people, as you get older, you meet people that are like,

I've got mates that don't mention that. Like you wouldn't even know they had a brother or sister. So I feel, I feel lucky that we get on. Although we did go to Hawksmore once and didn't quite realise the pricing, how they did the pricing. It seems to be a Cannes issue in general, doesn't it? A little bit of a pattern. Just going in, ordering, just taking what you want and then finding out

about the price at the end and getting really angry about it. Acted indignant, like. No, do you know how they lied to you? The table next to us started laughing when we ordered. And then the waiter walked off and they were laughing. And I was like, is there a problem here? And they went, do you know what you've just ordered? We're like, yeah, yes.

Thank you. Yes, thank you. What did you order? What was the order? God knows, but the steak was like Flintstone steaks. Yeah. Like, you know, car, car flipping over thing. So I had to go up to the guy and went, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got that wrong. Also, I didn't like that way. I was looking at the way and like, you knew we got that wrong. Did you order like three massive, like, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I didn't like the waiter. I thought, do you know what, mate? You knew what we did there. Like, we can't afford that.

Is she doing your brothers? Yeah, they were laughing. I thought, yeah, because I think I ordered it. I ordered the two expensive steak. But you're saying to the way. But then, you know what? It's like that kind of thing where you try and ride it. You go, yeah, I know what I'm doing.

They go, do you? It's massive. I'm like, do you know what? Oh, is it massive? Oh, I actually didn't know that. But you know what? I'm having fun. So, sod it.

I'm having it. But then there's like, no, do you know what it is? Yeah. Yeah, I've had steak before, mate. No, but this is quite expensive. You're looking at 70 quid steak. Well, lucky me. There's going to be a day I can't afford that.

So, why don't I tuck in now? Well, I just don't think you can afford it. As in stomach big wise. Like, you can afford it, but you can't afford it health wise. Stomach big wise. Stomach big wise, you can't afford it. Stomach big wise, yeah. Stomach big wise.

He's on the piano. It's a character you've done. Stomach big wise, yeah. Yeah, he's on the piano. I don't know, but anyway, yeah. And the waiter, he was naughty. Kind of laughing, giggling away. That's not a way.

I'm a waiter, I think. Because you couldn't afford it. That's what you're saying. Yeah, and then it'd be like a cartoon where you've got to wash the dishes. Yeah, you couldn't afford that. Do you think that's ever happened? I'd love to do that.

Do you think that's ever happened where someone can't afford the bill so they have to wash the dishes? Well, you grow up thinking that. Yeah, in my mind, that was the law. Like, that was the law. Like, you could do that. You could go and wash the dishes

if you couldn't afford a meal. Oh, sorry, mate. Um, turns out I can't afford that. Get yourself in the kitchen. You've got to clean every plate. But also, there's someone in the kitchen. I'd go to the Ritz. Yeah.

Sorry. Oh, pardon me. I seem to have, um, I don't seem to have any money. Put these on, mate. Here's some gloves. Brilliant. Also, there is a guy in the kitchen. There is a guy in the kitchen doing that, right?

Who presumably is not being paid per dish. So he's being paid all day. He's happy to see you. He's happy. He's great. He's, well, I'd imagine if that system would work, he doesn't wash a plate all day. Maybe he gets to go and sit upstairs and have a meal.

And have a meal, yeah. Yeah, on you. So the restaurant's losing money hand over fist here. Meal for the pot wash, meal for the person who's stolen one. They're paying a pot washer all day, and then someone else gets a free meal. There's a nightmare. Yeah, yeah.

In this restaurant, you know, big sign outside. If you can't afford this, you're going to be, if you, if you at the end, if we give you, if you order all that food and you get your receipt and you go, I don't have any money, then you're cleaning all the pots. And so you hire the kitchen guy and then he gets to go upstairs. There's a queue outside the block. Yeah.

Also, people want the job because they're like, well, hang on a minute. If everyone's, if you're hiring me to be the guy who cleans the pots, but people queue it outside, you're going to be cleaning the pots. A lot of money being lost. We arrive at your dream starter. Yeah. And you've got your notes there on your phone

because you're taking this seriously. You're not messing around. John, this is twice now. Oh, sorry. Is it really? I didn't mention it the first time. It's these, it's these cups, it's these cups. Twice now, you've taken two big of a swig of your water,

like a massive swig and it is cascaded out of your mouth, down your beard and over your chest. Now I know what your nan was laughing at. Was it how much water you drank? It's because you couldn't get it in your fucking mouth. First time, absolutely ignored it. It was a mistake. You did that second time just then. It's the cup.

Not learning it for the first time. That's not the straight, it's bent. It's a glass. We're drinking out the same cup. It's a glass, it's a glass. That's not straight, is it? That's bent. That's circular.

Right, onion soup and a saucer of aubergine parmesan. That's what I want. Please. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. French onion soup. French onion soup, so croutons. Maybe there's a bit of white wine going on in there.

I don't know. In the soup. These onions have been sweated. Yeah. And I'm not talking like five minutes. Hour is one guy. Brown sugar. It's fantastic in there.

I'd like to have all the doors open so I can see the chefs cooking this. I want to see them. Yeah. You imagine that as all the doors being open rather than being like an open-plan kitchen. No, I don't want to open kitchen. I want the door ajar.

They don't know I can see them. Do you understand? Yeah. So you're glimpsing, you're peeking. You want to feel like there's something illicit about it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, peeking.

You're peeking. Yeah, onion soup, croutons. Maybe the croutons have like, sometimes you go somewhere posh and they've got like cheese on them. Yeah, I mean, French onion soup quite often, there'll be cheese all over the top and it's gone in the grill

so it's melted on top. And then... Blimey. That's good stuff. There's cheese on top. Yeah. Yeah, all over it. What, like a web?

Like a web of cheese over it. Well, they just put the cheese all over the soup and like some of it will sink in and some of it will like... Melt on the top. Melt on the top. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you pull it out

and all those stringy bits of cheese and onion. And also I've still got this basket of beautiful bread. Yeah, you're dipping. Yeah. And the basket is a... Yeah, there's a hole underneath the basket so it's constantly refilled. Oh, I thought you were going to do the popcorn trick

on someone but with a bread basket. Popcorn trick. Hand up the popcorn. Nearly. Knob? Yeah. Oh, my knob. My knob's going through the table.

What, in the bread? What? This is what I was confused about. You see, anytime I've ever heard anyone... Knob's going through the table. I wish. And that's... Why is my knob in the bread? Why is my knob in the bread?

Popcorn. You said you cut a hole in the bottom of the bread basket. Which we still need to... I put a button on that to loop back to what you're talking about. But... Put a hole in the bottom of the bread basket. Cut a hole in the bottom of the bread basket. And I've only ever heard people doing that

with this disgusting popcorn trick. But they cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn. They sit their knob through it and then they offer someone some popcorn and the person goes right down to the bottom for the good stuff and then they touch their dick. Popcorn's on the lap. This bread basket's in the middle of the table.

I don't know what you're doing. You're going... Maybe you're cooling under the table. My friends are getting a bit... They're looking for the fish. You'd rather, to be fair. Okay, my brothers. Or one of the shapes.

We're fishing for a bit of... For catcher? For catcher. They might grab my knob. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you put some sunshine tomatoes on it to disguise it. Yeah. Bit of rosemary.

John, same... You'd know my knob. It's low light. It's low light. It's low light. It's a low light. It's a low light best shot. Oh, yeah, you can't see a thing out.

Yeah, you can't see. You wouldn't know your knob in low light. You're flying into your hands there. You can't see a thing. You're increasing the appetite. The Japanese say that low light... Oh, I can see why this is stressful now, actually. Low light reduces your ability to recognise your brother's knob.

Yeah, that's what I say. Oh, good God. The Japanese say if you turn the lights down low... I wouldn't really. ...you're able to camouflage your knob in it. What if they're all doing it then? As a laugh. As a laugh.

What if they're all doing it? As a laugh. We've all thought it'd be funny to do it. So do you all do it at different times throughout the evening? No, no, same time. So all at once, you're going to do it, and you have to stuff all of your knobs between the same hole at the same time into the bread pass.

You're co-jostling for position. Yeah, but we don't know each other doing it. And then at the same time... And then you all reach for some focaccia and end up grabbing each other's knob. Each other's knob. I mean, best case scenario, you grab your own knob, right? Yeah, or best case scenario.

Best case. Best case. You'd be relieved. Yeah. You'd be relieved. Oh, you'd be relieved. Anyway, so yeah, the bread's there. So what do you mean?

Point me, get the bread, dip it in the onion soup. Yeah. And then also, if I may... John, I do need to look back. Why does a hole in the bottom of the basket mean that the bread keeps refilling? Yeah, yeah. Oh, in my mind, I don't know, there's a baker below us

just keeps funneling it up. Okay. So that's more realistic than what I was saying, apparently. Well, yeah. Yeah, keep emptying, surely. Keep emptying. Surely the bread rolls would fall up the bottom is what Benito's saying,

is that if you cut a hole in the bottom, there's a baker funneling them up, but surely focaccia is going to be constantly tumbling back down the hole and blocking the tube. This baker's having a nightmare. There's a potcullis. But he... He released.

So every time it's empty, every time the basket's empty. Yes. He opens the potcullis, shoves the bread up, shuts the potcullis. You better, you don't put your knob in there if there's a potcullis. Really?

Yeah, be careful. Be careful. Be careful of the potcullis. Yeah, you and all your brothers, the entire male line dies in one night. Oh, I'm cocks in the basket. And then a small side, a little small plate of...

I'm doing Parmesan. Yes, please. Yeah. Just like a little, just a little tiny, like a little, just, you know, the conversation's flowing. You know, we're dipping the breads, bit of soup, warming.

You know, it's cold outside, so we've come in low lights. And the lights are red as well. It's twinkly and nice. Anyway, and then, yeah, Aubergine Parmesan, very nice. One of the best foods. Well, I like making it.

Do you? Yeah. Take us through the recipe. Yeah. Okay. Is it your signature dish? One off. You always used to ask people that.

You would ask people that. You would ask the audience. The audience has signature dish. Yeah, I would, yeah. You get funny people saying toast, and you just move on. You just move on. Well, you're asking for trouble, John.

Yeah. If you're going to put them on the spot like that, you're asking for trouble. No, you're right. Okay, slice the aubergine lengthways. Oh, sorry. Peel them first. You peel them?

Oh, okay. Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Okay. Why? This Marco Pier White video. This is...

I'm just basically saying what he does. Yeah. Is he your hero? I like him a lot. Did you say he's your hero? He's a hero. Don't have heroes. Come on.

You're John Kearns. You've got heroes. No, I don't have heroes. Springsteen. Oh, he's class. Is he a hero? Do you know what? He...

I think he's a hero. He's the same age as my dad. Have you seen the latest videos of him? He's in a gray suit, quite shiny, black shirt. Yeah. He looks fantastic. He does. Yeah.

And I spoke to my dad about it, and he went, he looks great, doesn't he? And I thought he's a role model, I think, to... Like my dad. Like he's looking... I reckon my dad's looking at him going, okay, I can look like that. Let's go.

I hope when I'm 70, there's a guy I can look at and go, I want to look like that. I want to... I want to... Absolutely. So in your fantasy here, you hope that when you're 70, there is someone you can look at and hope you'll look like them, not that you want to look like that guy.

No, I want to be 70, watching Telly, and there's a 70-year-old on Telly, and I want to go out tomorrow morning and buy what he's wearing. But why aren't... I think what James is saying is in your completely imagined fantasy here, why aren't you the guy on Telly who looks great, or the other 70-year-olds are looking at and thinking, I want to buy what that guy's wearing?

Yeah, you're saying, your dad watches Springsteen on TV now and goes, he looks good. And you've realised that Springsteen's a role model too. And he goes, Joe, I hope that when I'm 70, and I thought the sentence was going to go, I look as good as Springsteen. But he said it was, I hope on my dad, watching Springsteen,

going, he looks good. I hope I have a role model. But 70's doubled my luck. 70's 35 years time. Yeah. I'm not going to be 35 years going, I want to look like Springsteen. It will be like that.

No, but you might have... There might be an equivalent though, right? That's what I'm saying. There's going to be some 70-year-old out there. But why can't you be the equivalent in this fantasy? I'm guessing because I'm thinking they may be a rock and roll star, or... Or a footballer or something, you know? You never, who looks like comedian guys and want to look like him?

I reckon, I can see it. No one. Joe Domet. Joe Domet. People want to look like Joe. No, I don't want, I... Do you know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want, I would never want to look like Joe.

Why the work? On his stag do, he did a spin class or something. My stag do, I want booze. Oh, it's going to be sticking your dick in a bread basket. 35 years time, I think there's going to be 70-year-olds out there going out the next morning and buying a wig and teeth. Not the wig and teeth, man. That's gone.

Denied. Never mentioned again. Out of my house if you bring it up. Where do you drop in the wig and teeth? Never. Because I won't need it. What do you mean never? You get rid of it, you've got rid of it.

You're never doing it again. I haven't got rid of it. So why can't we mention it anymore? So why don't you say... No, no, no, no, you can now. I'm talking about when I'm 70. Yeah. I don't want to talk about it when I'm 70.

Oh, yeah. But you'll have the wig and teeth. I want to make enough money where it's gone. 50, that's it. Comedy gone. I want to go and do something else. What? I don't know, maybe like build something in Ireland

or something, build like a house or something. Run a shop. I'd love to run a shop. Yeah. Oh, John. Genuinely. I'd love a little bookshop. Tell you something, actually.

You could do that now. You don't need to carry on doing comedy. You could probably run a bookshop now. Oh, I like comedy. I like comedy. So much that you can't wait to retire when you're 50. I can't wait to retire. But you can love something.

You don't want to do comedy too. Are you two one of these people that wants to drop dead doing it? No, I don't want to drop dead doing anything. But like, I would say I haven't really gone... I want to drop dead. I want to drop dead when I'm in bed. I'm comfy. Yeah, it's not dropped, then, is it?

Yeah, I haven't dropped. I don't want to drop dead. I don't want to just stay dead. Your head drops. You got your head up at the time, and then you die. And then you head off. On my deathbed, I'll have my head up constantly. Unsupported.

Yeah. Very uncomfortable. It looks very uncomfortable. Yeah. Could you say they'd say they don't have a head up? They can try to shove pillows. I'm like, no, no, no. How do you notice your deathbed?

So how do you know you get into a bed and you're like, I'm going to keep my head up? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll definitely know. Yeah. I'll definitely know. I bet you'll use the phrase a lot, won't you? Am I on my deathbed now?

I bet you always say that to a lot of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, I'm on my deathbed. Yeah, that's my deathbed. Tell my grandkids that. Just hanging out on my deathbed. Yeah, yeah, okay. Can you see my keys?

I've got my keys on my deathbed. Do you want to go and get them? Go and get them for me. Yeah, yeah, I'm busy. Yeah, yeah. Looking for my keys. Is he peeling the aubergines? Peel the aubergine.

Slice them lengthways. Bit of lemon so they don't lose their colour. Egg wash. I don't think it's breadcrumbs. It's flour, it's flour. Marco Pierre White, absolutely. Getting fear, we're slipping to this. Imagine him on this.

You two would be shitting yourselves. Flour, egg wash. Leave them to drain. Season, always season, season. You got your tomato sauce bubbling away there. Am I missing something? It feels like I'm missing something. Don't look at that.

No, I don't think I am. Oh, yeah, sorry, the palms out, yeah. Right, so right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What you've made so far is a fucking aubergine omelet, mate. No, no, no. Loads of fucking Parmesan. Lay it up at every layer of Parmesan.

Every layer of Parmesan. Lay it up like a lasagna, like a jigsaw. Tomato sauce, so you lay it up. Aubergine, tomato sauce, Parmesan. Layer, keep layering. Layer, layer, layer. You know, it's simple. Low heat, bit of olive oil.

Break over some basil. I'd like a little square of that with my onion soup. Lovely, beautiful. A great way to kick off the meal. Yeah, thank you. Your dream main course. So what I'd like, please, is could I have a medium rare steak,

a butler's steak with some chips, please? And also, could I have some champagne and chicken? But it's a poulet, champagne. Right. So the second course in a row, you've gone for two dinners. I respect it. I respect it.

Well, do you know what's happening there? Yeah. I'm thinking about this, and I'm going, well, it's very obviously difficult to just get it down to one. Yeah. And I was thinking, well, you're a genie, I don't know. I can ask wherever you, you know, kitchens. They've got a dream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a butler's steak? Yeah, I've never heard of a butler's steak before. It's a flat iron steak, so it's from the shoulder. So it's quite lean. Yeah. What's it called a butler's steak? I think it's what the butler ate.

Like, you know, like he gives, he's, you know, serving all the stuff, and then at the end of the shift, when they've all got, I don't know, sirloin or rib eye, he goes down and has a little butler's steak. That's like the, I guess, like a cheaper cut. Cheaper cut, but very flavorful. Quick cook, very quick cook. Quick, shoulder, so nicely marbled.

I'd like that. And then the chicken and champagne, it's the sauce that I want, really. Yeah. You know, the sauce, cream, champagne, mushrooms and chicken. Sure. Yeah, yeah. My God, that's so nice.

I'm dipping the chips in that little champagne sauce. Do you want the chicken as well, or do you just want the sauce? Fuck yeah, I'll have the chicken, don't care. Maybe chicken legs, thighs, chicken thighs and legs. Little um, The thighs on the leg. What the, yeah. Well those little like, they look like little onions.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean to the tiny little ones. I don't know, I don't know what they're called. They're scattered around, nice acidity, got that meat. It's on a little plate that's sizzling. It's one of those hot plates, maybe. Crystal salt, heavy salt, I need heaviness on there. Medium rare, please.

Thank you. Do you not worry with a hot plate that you have it cooked to medium rare and then it's sat on the hot plate, it's going to overcook? Well, maybe I'll order it rare. And then just let it, yeah. So the plate's a deal breaker is what you're saying. You have to have the hot plate. Actually, you know what, it's not the plate.

Take away the plate, please. Do you want the chips in like a separate dish that's hot? I want the chips in like a tin, like a round. I want them pointing up. Yeah, I know what you mean. Like a metal cup, sort of almost like a little cocktail shaker. Yeah, I want the chips pointing up. The chips pointing up.

Why? Why do you want them pointing up? I like grabbing them. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Imagine a plate of flat chips. What was the last time, actually, I'm saying this,

but when was the last time you went to a restaurant and the chips were laid on their sides? That feels like something you had when you went around to a mate's house when you were like 10. I think it still happens quite a lot, actually. Yeah, but I sort of know what job means. It's rare to go. Imagine going to a chip shop, like a traditional chip shop,

and they gave you the chips and the chips are up. All facing up. This isn't why I'm here. Yeah. Chips, steak, chicken, champagne, bowl of that going on. Maybe there's some potatoes in there, some new potatoes in there. Seasoned.

It's all seasoned fantastically. No salt and pepper on this table. Yeah, don't need it. I don't need that. No, no, no. And then I'd like a little side of cream spinach. Is this for your dream side dish? Oh, sorry.

Do you have to wait for you to order? No, no, you have to. I was just checking that this was all... So this is a separate thing. Well, spinach as a main is a lot. Yeah, yes, but with your two dinners, you've already got... I'm not sure. I'm not the first person to order two dinners, am I?

No, but I'm just saying, for me to assume that this cream spinach was also part of your main course, wasn't that outlandish? Yeah, yes. So I was checking, just clarify that that was your... Okay, fuck it. Yeah, it's part of my main course. Is that okay?

No, no, no, no, no. No, if it's your dream side dish. I'll tell you what's happened here. We made up some valuable time there with John throwing your side dish. We did. Straight away. And now you're filling that time. By asking more questions about it.

Yeah, yeah. The listener won't know this. We've been recording for about an hour and 45 minutes so far, and we've just finished the main course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in trouble. We're in trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's a big trouble when he has to edit this. Yeah. I'll tell you where there's a fantastic cream spinach, John. Where? Hawksmoor. Yeah, they do. Heavy, heavy cream. Yeah, big cream.

They call... In America, they call double cream heavy cream. As if that came up in your general knowledge round. Mastermind to you. But what do Americans do? Be happy with yourself. Double cream. Heavy cream. The robot there.

Yeah, robot. How did he know that? Yeah, the robot starts malfunctioning. Yeah. Eyes flipping to the back of his head. Yeah. Sparpers flying. Yeah.

A guy sat in the audience, like the cheating wife in The C Further. The C Further. Millionaire. Yeah, yeah. Robot cut here. Robot's going... Her name is vegetable patch and growing up all I'd eat is spinach. Yeah. Oh my goodness me. And nothing

has ever tasted. Again, I know I keep talking about grandmothers and food, but it's just such a visceral thing in my life. My Nan's spinach. Do you know what? And you think how did it taste so good? It's always because it's just absolutely loaded with salt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I remember going to my other Nans and I just had a relationship break up and she I was back to the first Nan now, right? It's not like a more Jones thing where you've got loads of Nans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two Nans. She made me this ham sandwich. And to this day, I'm like, what the fuck is going on with this ham sandwich? It was just mayonnaise, ham, lettuce, white bread. I was very upset that day. And to this day, I'm like, that

was one of the best sandwiches I've ever had in my life. Probably because it was loaded with salt. And also I was sad. And your tears, if you're sad, have more salt in it than happy tears, man. So what's the point? Are you saying that you cried onto the sandwich and that made it salty? Or are you saying you cried all the salt out your body so the ham sandwich was replenishing it? Oh, great question. Well, you should know.

Well, I don't think I was crying eating it. So I think I'd cried all the salt out. And so that that is probably what it is. Yeah, that is exactly what if you're sad, listening to this, or if you're upset, and you've just cried all night, have a really salty ham sandwich and you're going to feel great. Yeah, it's true, by the way, that your tears, your salty, how is it true? I don't know how anything's true, but it's true. There's other people you can ask why it's true. I don't ask the robot. The robot, wouldn't I? Yeah, the robot knows, but his his head's fallen off. So he's not he's not exactly fit to ask answer that question, Clive.

You're not like what, putting extra salt in the sandwich? You're saying it's like mayonnaise salt. They load everything with salt because they can't taste anything. I've not made that up. So they're doing that? Have you seen old people put salt on food and they're not drinking water? Yeah, but I just check it. Yeah, that's what I said. You got to drink water. I admit I've never seen an old person salt a sandwich. No, personally, bonkers. My name would with a meal, salt it and then put salt like a sauce in the corner, salt sauce, like salt it and then in the corner, do a little bit like a little pile of salt. And she what she would

she dip it in? Dip it in. Have you not? This is not a thing. Do you know what you're looking at me like this is mad? Yeah, yeah, I've never seen it for any time. She was 93 by the way when she passed. Yeah, yeah. They love salt. It makes sense because they can't. My partner, her nan was 102. She got dominoes for her birthday because that loaded with salt. She's going, I can taste this. Oh, pizza. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I honestly thought you meant I honestly thought yeah. Dominoes. I don't think you said she got dominoes for her birthday. Ed and I thought the first podcast dominoes. Yeah, but it's not unlike you to just say something completely out the fucking blue halfway through his sentence. Yeah, we thought people eat salt. They load

it with socks. They got your taste buds go. You know this 102 year old dominoes pizza. Yeah, the guy did 102 on the pepperoni. He did. Ask Gabby. This isn't my story. She's got a picture. Beautiful. Your dream drink, John. Yeah, this is, you know, it's pretty straight back this. It's just kind of lager. And I was genuinely went on the Sainsbury's website and just scroll down the beer. See what they sell. And I was thinking, what do I like? And I kind of, I don't know, I like it all. Have you ever had Pacifico? Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. Pacifico is good. I was scrolling and I went, I haven't had that for a while and it was out of stock near me, unfortunately. And the label

was like, the O is like a little lifeguard rubber ring thing. Yeah. Do you know this one? Yeah, I know that one. It's Mexican. It's crisp. It's light. And I thought that might be quite nice with this meal. But it's bring your own booze this restaurant though. So I've got like bags of it around me. But you know, it's the dream restaurant as well. So we can get you can have as much of it as you want. We can send out the tube. You could have a little tap at the table if you want to. Yeah, I'd like a tap at the table. Actually, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to tap at the table. I want the guy to bring it to me. Yeah. And I want him to like slide off the foam. Oh, it comes in bottles, I suppose. I want to see him like cut the bottle off like with

a knife or something like a champagne bottle. Yeah. But with a bottle of Pacifico. Well, he's already done it with the champagne, but through the door, I saw him do it with the chicken and the champagne. Yeah. This guy does it of everything. The idea that a chef would do that to a bottle of champagne for a dish, but in a closed kitchen. Just completely pointless. The only reason to do it is to show off. Completely pointless. Anytime I could open that champagne, get my sabre. Completely pointless. I hope no one saw that's with the crack in the door. But you know, like drink wise, you know, we'll come onto this, but I'd like a black coffee to end the meal. Black americano. Yeah. And I'd like maybe a

little cognac with the receipt or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can do that. Yeah, like a Remy Martin. Yeah. When I was a memory coming up. Yeah. Here we go. John's looking down, which means when I was looking both with full and to stress at the same time, and he's delving into his memories. Yeah. When I was like 13, I got badly sunburned. And France holiday, like a haven, you know, the camp. Yeah, that's what we did. And we went to Remy Martin. We looked at the Remy Martin, what do you call it, factory? Yeah. It must be distillery. Is it? What cognac? It was posh, man. Yeah. Man, all the barrels. Anyway, I got really badly sunburned, but like bad. Yeah. I'm talking on my shoulders. I'm talking

nearly having a good hospital. Yeah. All pailing and that stuff. Oh, not even that. Yeah. I mean, I generally won't go into it. Blisters. Like bubble wrap. Yeah. Oh, bad. I mean, I honestly clinked back to it and think that was horrific. Yeah. Yeah. But my family, we used to go on holiday with, he saw I was in pain, man. That was fucked. And yeah, I was young. He had a little hip flask, and he went, just have a swig of that. For Remy Martin cognac. Little bubble wrap, boy. And I was, I was, that was it. Oh, it was like, you're like, this makes Canada dry, seem like a soft drink. Wait till I write to those Canada dry bozos. You need to up your games. Have you heard of Remy Martin? I haven't been in your factory, losers. And weirdly,

I bought a bottle of it. I was walking down the aisle of Sainsbury's maybe a few months ago, and it was on offer. And I was like, I'd like to have that at home. I don't really drink at home too much, but it's still in this box because I'm not entirely sure when I'm going to open it. Yeah. When do you crack a bottle of cognac? I guess it's next time you have sunburn, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. If we have another 40 degree day, I'll go for a walk. I'll come back and have a bottle of cognac. So you can have a little cognac with the bill. Definitely. With my receipt. With your receipt. Yeah. With my bill, yeah, with the bill. Yeah. And the bill comes in like a nice... They don't often bring things with the receipt.

No. Yeah, they do. Like imperial mints. That's with the bill. That'd be with the bill. Yeah, after eight. With the bill. Yeah. Not with the receipt. No, they bring it with the receipt. No, because the receipt, they're like, thank you. They're down for no reason. No, they bring after eights with the receipt. See you later. Jelly beans. Jelly beans? Who brings it? Where have you been that gives you jelly beans with the receipt? Bannermans in the Crouch End. Bob Dylan went there once. Well, all right. I'll call Bob Dylan and say, what did they bring you with the receipt at Bannermans? Jelly beans. Well, that was good. That was good. That was good.

Proud of myself there. Well, you know, I could do what I want. Yeah. With the bill comes... No, nothing with the bill. With the receipt, nice cognac. To see you on your way. Done. That's your dream, because it doesn't happen anywhere else. And the black coffee after that. I'd like the black coffee with my dessert, please. Okay. But before we do move on, even though we should move on, but there's been a lot of references to Sainsbury's. Growing up, Sainsbury's. Massive. Now. Sainsbury's. Massive in my life. Am I sensing a loyalty there to a particular supermarket?

When I moved from my last flat, which was near Sainsbury's, one of the biggest things I was kind of worried about was that the new flat wasn't near Sainsbury's. And I was like, I know my way around it. I trust the brands. I just trust it. And I know it. And I like it. And I like the orange. I don't know what it is. Growing up, we'd drive to Streatham, Sainsbury's, and I knew my way around that place at the back of my hand. Were you at Sainsbury's house? Yeah. We were right on the corner from Sainsbury's. Went there all the time. The biggest thing for me moving to London for the first time was that there wasn't Sainsbury's anywhere near me. And Morrison's on my doorstep.

And adapting to a Morrison's was hard. You have to adapt. Oh, I didn't like it. I didn't like it. And I still don't like it. I still... We were at Tesco's house. You were at Tesco's? Well, we were at home at Tesco's house. I knew Wimbledon, right? Yeah. Which Tesco? I'm not sure to be fair. It's a Waitrose now. There's a Waitrose in Rains Park now. So then we became a Waitrose household. And now I'm a Cardo boy. Oh, are you? Yeah. Is that M&S? Yeah.

But it was Waitrose and then M&S bought it. So I've been Waitrose and M&S. I go to M&S for Yum Yum's, Percy Biggs, Little Treats, Chocolate Pretzels, that stuff. I take my son, if I can, I put him in the trolley and we whiz around Sainsbury's. I make sure he gets to run around by the dog food because it's not busy around there. Also, he can point at the dogs. And he saw a guinea pig the other day. He's looking at the guinea pig food. He was looking at me like, what the hell is that? That's a guinea pig. And there's no one in the aisle. Whereas you can't get him out in the veg aisle or the dairy aisle. Crazy busy.

You've got to get him down the aisle where, you know, like kitchen roll and he just runs around there. Sainsbury's love it. Love the car park. Love the branding. Feel very safe in there. The Sainsbury's car park in Kettering, one day out of nowhere, these blokes showed up in highways and started offering people to wax their cars for them. And Sainsbury's didn't like it. But they were having trouble shifting them and getting rid of them. And at the same time, my mum is a keen bird watcher, loves birds. There was this rare bird that had suddenly turned up in the car park. What the fuck is happening there? It's called a wax wing. That's what it's called.

John, this is what it's like talking to you. No, it isn't. Surely not. And she, and she, my mum was really excited about it because she, you know, and the birds called wax wing, the wax wings. And she would talk about the wax wings all the time to us. It was like, there was a period of her life where she was obsessed with these wax wings in Sainsbury's car park. It's all she'd talk about. The most fun kind of like interaction I've watched with my mum in terms of like misunderstandings in her life was when she was paying for the shopping at Sainsbury's and said to the lady at the counter, have you seen the wax wings in the car park? And this lady was like, yeah, can't bloody get rid of them. And she was like,

oh, I want to get rid of them. They're beautiful. And she was like, what? She's like, yeah, I've been coming down and watching them just like, even when I'm not shopping. And I was come down and sit and watch them, just watch them go about the car park. They're lovely. And you don't always get them in this part of the world, either. So nice. It's just like, right, well, we're trying to get them out the car park because they shouldn't be here. Oh, I hope you don't get them out of the car park. Please, you must encourage them. They're so lovely. I love looking at them. And then on the way home, I had to tell my mum, she thought you were talking about those guys who waxed the car park.

We get onto your dream dessert, John. We know that you're having a black coffee with it. Please. Thank you. A baklava. Oh, lovely with a black coffee. Yes. I'd like a little plate of, now you can get different types of baklava, obviously. What I want in my kebab shop, local kebab shop, they've got little tubs of baklava, four piece. This thing, I don't know if it's because it's hot in there, or I don't know how long it's been there, the syrup, it is loaded with syrup. Well, that's, I mean, most baklavas, it's just... Well, they are, but no, but you can get ones where they're really dry. I want this thing dripping. And I can tell when I order it, they know that I know. Because nobody's ordering that. They're

getting kebabs. I'm ordering a kebab, but I also go, and can I also have a baklava? And they just look at me. My friend and I call the kebab shop owners, our boys with tongs. You're a friend, aren't you? My friend Ian and I. And when does this come up, this phrase, what do you say? Shall we go and see our boys with tongs tonight? Yeah, like, if we're meeting up, it's like, do you think we might maybe be popping in to see our boys with tongs? And then maybe, you never know, maybe. And then when we go in and we see our boys with the tongs, like little lobsters, they're snapping away, working hard. The main guy, he runs a tight ship in there. But those little baklavas, crucially, I'm going to say a kebab

shop baklava. Sometimes you can get one where there's too much pastry, or the pistachio is a bit... Crumbly. I don't want any crumble. I want drip. It's very naughty, by the way. I'm not eating this every month. It's a very naughty treat. Why is it so naughty? I think you could have it every month if you wanted. Well, I have other stuff. I like biscuits in the house. It's a nightmare. I just like that. I like it oozing with syrup. Chewy, nutty. And then I'd like one of my mum's profiteroles. That's the second thing. Yeah. I thought we got always one thing there. Yeah, I thought it sounds weird. Imagine a lovely little plate. All he's added to this is a black coffee. Oh, no. Black coffee, a square of baklava. And my mum used to make her own profiteroles.

You know, me and my brothers would fill. One would do the chocolate, one would do the cream, the other would pile it up. That's nice. One would cut a hole in the bottom. Yeah, she'd do that. I think she'd do that. Two of the profiteroles would look a bit weird. Oh, no. It was a moment I didn't realise what you were talking about then. And then all of a sudden, an image came my head of a lovely bowl of profiteroles. But then for some reason, me and my brothers, our heads are like just above the table. Like what are they doing? Then I scanned across three. I don't know. They don't look like profiteroles. They're moving, quivering.

Well, I'm thinking it's more like, if it's you and your brothers, I think there's more like the six profiteroles in there that look weird. Yeah, because you've only popped your balls in. I'd disguise them as profiteroles. Well, so there's chocolate on them. Yeah, it's less hassle. There's no point trying to put them into the profiterole. You might as well put chocolate on your balls. Don't put your knob in there. People won't mistake that for a profiterole, but if you just put the balls in, people might think that's a profiterole. So we've got our balls in now. It's just your balls. I went to Florence on my own once. I went to a posh restaurant on my own. They served profiteroles

and the guy brought them over and there was no chocolate. And I just started eating them thinking, well, I guess this is how they do it here. I don't know. Also, I'm wondering if I've read the menu right. Bang! Door opens, gold vat of chocolate and he scoops and he just pours it all over. All the restaurant looks at me like this great spectacle. Fantastic. So I think actually what I'd like is a clava and then through the restaurant into the kitchen, I can see my boys with tongs very happy that I'm having this. And then a plain profiterole stuffed with whipped cream and then a beautiful goblet of hot chocolate comes and it's poured over it for me. Great. I'm going to read your menu back to you

now. See how you feel about it. Water. You would like tap water in a nice jug. Pop on with your bread. You want 90s focaccia from Sainsbury's with anchor butter. Start a French onion soup and a saucer of your homemade aubergine Parmesan. Main course, you would like a medium rare butler's steak with chips and poulet champagne. Side dish, creamed spinach. Drink, Pacifico Lager from Sainsbury's. Dessert, baccalaureate from your boys with tongs, a black americano and a plain profiterole made by your mum with a massive load of hot chocolate poured on it from the guy who comes out of the kitchen. And then with the bill, sorry, with the receipt, you would like some cognac.

With the receipt. With the receipt, not the bill. No, because the bill, that's painful. Yeah. Because even though this is my dream restaurant, I'm still paying for some reason. Yeah. When you hear the bill, it just says nothing. It says, for free. What does the bill, oh really? Is that what it says? But how are you getting a receipt if you've not paid for it, though? I'd like to pay. Okay. No, I'd like to pay. I'd like to pay for the table. So treat, when you've got money, spend money because there'll be a time you can't afford this. This is on me. Just remember it because there might be a time that I say, could you take me out for dinner? I'm a bit. So at this moment of time, I'd like to buy this for you.

A lovely way to round off the evening. It's really nice, John. Well, thank you for joining me. It's been a fantastic meal. Let me set myself up. Just don't eat that last bit of bread. Thank you very much, John. There we are. John Kearns. John Kearns. Listen, I loved it. What a journey it was. Bit rude parts. We apologize for John being so rude. So rude about trying to steer him away from it. Popping his penis in the bread basket with his brothers. It was appalling. Cramming their penises into the bread basket altogether with the balls. Disgusting. That's what happens when you have John Kearns on the podcast. If you love rude humor, you should go and see John on

tour. He is not rude at all, actually. He's doing a show The Varnishing Days on Tour now, goes to his website to buy tickets. It will be fantastic. Very lucky if you do get to go and see. And also thank you, John, for not saying the secret ingredient. Thank you for not saying double cheeseburger. Although the more I thought about it, the more I really want to double cheeseburger right now, James. Yeah. And it would have been a very unfair one to kick someone out on, you know, because it's a popular dish. Delicious. It's not like, you know, I mean, unless you're a vegetarian vegan, you know, otherwise everyone likes a double cheeseburger. Hey, you can get veggie and vegan versions of double cheeseburgers, James. Do you know what?

They're delicious. You know what they are. Yeah. And I get very excited when I have a good one. Yeah. John also has a podcast called Microscope James. Yes. One of the ones where Benito cheats on us. Yes. It's one of, it's the Benito cheats. It's John Kerns and Matthew Evans do a podcast together called Microscope. Two very funny men. I've impeccable producer. Oh my God, the producer. Yeah. You know, well that podcast needs a producer because John and Matt are both absolutely off their knackers. Yeah. I mean, we must seem like a picnic in comparison. We are, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Thematically as well. Yes. Tired now. Oh, we're both quite tired, actually. Oh, I'm going to New Zealand and Australia right now, April and May. Yep. So come along and

see me there if you'd like. It's a hot ticket at gamble.co.uk for tickets and details. And there will be rude stuff in those shows. Goodbye. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationships never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because look, we're two Northerners, sure,

but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.