Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 187: Lily Allen

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

Sun is in the sky, oh why oh why, would we want to be anywhere else. Lily Allen joins us in the Dream Restaurant this week. Lily Allen stars in ‘Dreamland’ on Sky Atlantic and NOW. She also stars in ‘The Pillowman’ at the Duke of York’s Theatre in London’s West End from 10 June - 2 September. Buy tickets here.Follow Lily on Twitter and Instagram @lilyallenRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, opening the dry roasted peanuts of conversation, digging in the fingers of humour, popping them in the mouth of the internet, and licking off the dust of podcasts. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Castor. We own the Dream Restaurant. We invite a guest in every single week, and we ask him to favor, ever start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Lily Allen.

Lily Allen, brilliant musician, actor, all sorts, multi-hyphenate. She's done it all, and we're very excited to have her on the podcast, and especially excited because she's got a TV series out now, a comedy on Sky. My original comedy, No Less, Dreamland, also starring Fremadgeman, fantastic cast in this thing, Kyle Smith-Bynos in it as well. You're very good at promoting stuff. You saw that I was flagging there. Floundering as per. Yes.

But here I am, the hero of the piece. Yes, doing a professional job. Gabby Best is in it as well. Yes, I'm also writing on it. Gabby Best is our hero. Gabby Best is our hero, the best Gabby. Very excited to speak to Lily about this show. She's also got a play coming up soon. No big deal. The Pillow Man. You know, she's busy. What can I say?

But she's carved out some time to come and speak to us about her dream meet, or James. Yes, which we appreciate very much. However, even though we appreciate it, if Lily says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick Lily Allen out of the Dream Mestra. We're bootin' her back into the streets of LDN. And this week, the secret ingredient is... Apples. Apples. Now, there's a Lily Allen song called Apples.

Every time someone comes in who's had a music career, we always praise the gods when they have a song that is simply called a food stuff. Yep, and then we can do that. Yeah. So, what I'm going to say, rather than apples as an ingredient, we'll go for just apples and apples. Apples. Yeah, if it's a course.

Yeah, if Lily wants an apple as a start, a dessert, side dish, whatever. Yeah. I mean, quite frankly, even if that wasn't a secret ingredient, if someone said apple, they're getting kicked out. I think they would deserve that. Yes, for sure, but I hope she doesn't say it because I'm very much looking forward to meeting her and chatting with her, James. Yes. As am I.

This is the off-menu menu of... Lily Allen. Welcome, Lily, to the Dream Restaurant. Hello. Welcome, Lily Allen, to the Dream Restaurant, but it's better than you for some time. Hi. Hello, Lily. Hello.

I'm very excited to have this conversation with you, but also, do you want us to flag up to the distance that you've just eaten a lovely pastry and that your stomach might be rumbling? Yeah, I have digestive issues, and I just really ate a delicious, sort of Danish... I think... What would you call it, Benito? It's your birthday. General Scandi.

General Scandi pastry. I have had those things before. They're quite delicious, and whenever I see one of those things, I always, yeah, get stuck in. Yeah. And I went and ate it quite quickly. No plate, just with my hands. Yeah, that's the only way to do it.

And I got in here and sort of forgot that I was going to be recorded, and that my stomach does tend to make some noises, so prepare yourselves. See, I'm a stomach noise guy as well, but it tends to be if I haven't eaten, so that'll be the approach to me eating something, and then that'll settle the noises, but this is just your stomach working through what I'm talking about. It's actually really bad. I don't really get hungry. It's when I see food, I'm like, oh yeah, I should eat, but I kind of...

Yeah, I think that basically my stomach goes quite long distances without eating, and then it has a little bit, and it goes, yes. Yeah. So the noises of the stomach celebrating, essentially. Yeah, I love food. I love eating, but I'm just not very good at remembering to do things, and I get up in the morning looking after kids and doing all that, yeah, and I just forget. I'm waking up, and all I'm thinking about is food.

Really? I forget to do other things, because I'm too busy thinking about food or eating. Yeah. Sometimes Ed doesn't come to this podcast because he's eating at home. Yeah. Has the stomach crumbles ever happened while recording a song in the studio, while on set filming something? No, not, but I do make a habit of, if I've got a gig, I will eat lunch, and then I won't

eat anything until after I've performed, because of that. Also just being on stage, I feel like quite heavy when I've eaten, and yeah, as I sort of have, I think I'm probably intolerant to all the food that I really like eating. Right, yes. Do you know what I mean? I remember I used to drink out lattes all the time, and then I stopped for some reason. Oh, because I stopped smoking cigarettes, and I usually have a coffee with cigarettes, so when I stopped smoking cigarettes, I stopped drinking coffee, and then I started drinking

coffee again, and the first oat latte I had, my stomach just went completely mental. Oh, wow. I was like, oh, I think I'm probably not... There's something not right here. Yeah, I don't think oat milk agrees with me, but I've been drinking it for years. Anyway, that's interesting. What else do you think you're intolerant to? No, you'd be, I mean, you'd be...

You see here the stories I've got, mate. But yeah, and then when I'm on stage, because now I'm a theatre actress, I definitely don't eat before I go on stage either. But that's more of a ritualistic thing, because I kind of like to go on stage, and then people come backstage afterwards, and we go out for dinner. So that becomes like a sort of ritual. If the character called for a stomach rumble, would you eat before you went on stage? No, because I think I would like to have fun with trying to make that happen on its own.

It's hoped that someone on production is in charge of that sound effect, but there may be a really dedicated actor who has to immerse himself in the role. Method. This is my stomach or nothing. I just think you can't make that with the sound effect. Like coming out the speakers, you need it to be localized to the act of stomach right, so you need to mic that up and go for it. Or maybe put a little speaker in the jumper.

Yes. In the top, so the rumble comes from the tummy. You're in the wrong job. I should be in sound design for place. I've often said you're the sort of guy who works backstage at a theatre. Yeah, yeah. Many people have said that about me. Many reviews.

This guy should be backstage. He won't let you in the eye, and he wears his keys on his belt. You're doing a play soon. I am. You've got a play coming up. I'm doing a play called The Pillowman at the Duke of York's Theatre in London's West End. Very excited, but very nervous.

It's a very amazing play. And whenever I say to people I'm doing this play, The Pillowman, by Martin McDonough, people often say, that is my favourite play. And I'm quite scared as a result of that. Are you feeling the pressure? Yeah. And also, there are so many lines. And I did a play a couple of years ago.

I had quite a lot of lines. I was the lead, but it wasn't nearly as, like, meaty as this play. I kind of struggled with that many lines. And this is, like, probably ten times the amount. Wow. He loves his dialogue. There are, like, seven monologues that are, like, five pages long. Ah.

Fuck off. Oh, my, Martin. That's unreasonable. But, yeah, I'm really nervous about it. But, you know, it will either be good or be shit. It'll be good. I can feel it. I feel like it's going to be good.

Saw him at a wedding buffet once, that guy. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. He only turned up to the evening do. I didn't invite for the whole day. Oh, my. Oh, my. Martin McDonough sweeps in for the wedding buffet in the evening.

I didn't say a lie, but I looked at him. He looked at me. He only eats fish. He doesn't eat meat. So, he would have been eating fish at that buffet. Yeah, yeah. Everyone was saying it. Everyone was going,

who's the guy who sweeps in late and got all the fish? McDonough. Sweeping in and grabbing all the fish. Like a hawk. Just coming in, grabbing all the fish. Wasn't talking. I want it. The lines he gives everyone else.

It's the first time I've heard this anecdote, James. Well, it's barely an anecdote. I saw a man. For you, it is. But you're not just a theatre actor, of course. No. Because you're in this new show, Dreamland. Yes.

A Sky Original. Yes. It is a comedy, drama, dark comedy. Yeah. About a dysfunctional family of mainly women. Actually, all women. I don't think there are any men in the family at all. Oh, there's a husband, but not any blood relatives.

It's very difficult for men to get parts these days. It's really tough out there. Quite a good fight, fellas. It's very chaotic. It's about the dysfunctional relationships within this family and all the stuff that comes with that. And one sister played by Fremagerman, who is pregnant with her husband's baby.

And then I don't actually live in Margate, which is where it's all set, by the way. Am I doing well at explaining this stuff? Yeah, you're doing great. Yes. My character has been living in Paris and then comes to Margate. She's not very happy about it.

She doesn't really like Margate that much. She also finds out that she's pregnant, but there is a twist. A twist? Yes. You've got to watch to see what the twist is. Can't say the twist. Chaos ensues.

I'm very excited about it. There's a lot of writers on this who I'm a big fan of. And I'm very excited to see Gabby Best, Sarah Kendall. You should be excited about Gabby. Sarah is terrible. No. Actually, there's a high time someone said that.

All people need to do is listen to Sarah Kendall's episode of this podcast to know how terrible she is. It's the most disgusting episode we've done in this podcast. Yeah, she's revolting. She said that when she writes, her armpits just literally piss sweat all over the floor. So that was what she was doing when writing this.

You can't tell. No, it was great fun. I really, really enjoyed it. And I've never done anything like this before. It's my first sort of foray into, you know, the dramatic side of television. Obviously, I've done other things with yours truly. Yes, sure.

Would I lie to you? Would I lie to you? And Lily lied and I remembered it as a truth forever. I guess that's how good an actor you've got to be, right? Yeah, all right. If you can sell a proper lie, I would have lied to you. You could act with the best of them. You could do a five page monologue.

Or you can tell Macdonald that you did do it when you didn't. Exactly. Smart. That's the way to use your powers. Do you worry that some people are going to come away from the play and think everything you said was true because you're such a good liar? I believe that's your life. Well, again, I can't...

There is a logical answer that would disprove that, but I can't tell you it because it would give away the twist. But also do bear in mind, Lily, I know that was a terrible question for you. Okay, good. Why are you worried about that? Just worried if you were worried about it. I'm not worried about it.

Okay, but let me make you a promise. By the end of this episode, you will have spilled the twist. Okay. That is going to happen. Right, okay. I'm going to get it out of Lily, the twist. We always start with still a spark in water. So tell us, what is the twist?

That wasn't as subtle as you guessed it would be, Joe. Still a spark in water. Then what's the twist? I would 100% or say always still because of the digestive issues. The bubbles would play havoc with my gut. Yes, anti-bubbles. Very anti-bubbles. Although sometimes I might have a cheeky Coca-Cola,

but it will always repeat on me in some way. So is that if you know you're not going to be in a situation where a loud stomach would be an issue? Yeah, just friends and family. I thought you were going with if you were going to be like alone or friends and family could come over. Stomach popping away. Get the Coca-Cola out.

What? Got ice in this water? Lemon, lime, mint? We're just straight, you know? I respect that. Don't love ice. Room temp? Yeah, room temp.

A chugger or a sipper? A sipper. I'm a chugger. I'm definitely not a chugger. Big sips. Big sips. They call me. I've actually also only drank water in restaurants, by the way.

I'm terrible at drinking water. I'm not a very well-hydrated person at all. Because you forget just like with the food? Yeah. There's that. Also, it's just boring. But surely it's exciting to feel like you're hydrating yourself? No.

I feel that. If I down a pint of water, I think, oh, great. I'm really doing something good for myself here. Well, that is not really something that features in my life very often. I never really do anything to make myself feel good. Literally only the opposite. I mean, I'm jealous. What?

If you feel like that, it's like whenever people go like, you know, when people are properly like, if they're like addicted to something, there could be anything. You know, desserts. Yeah. Just anything. Cigarettes. Yeah. Whatever.

I'm like, well, you just got to replace it with something else. And they replace it with exercise. I'm like, how have you replaced it with that? It's not as nice or as fun. But I'm really jealous when they are able to do that. And they're just like, yeah, I just run all the time now. And I'll do this. And they're able to, wherever I go for like a run, I just think, oh, I hate, absolutely

hate this. I wish I was eating a chocolate bar. Yeah. I kind of agree with you. So if it's over the down a point of water and go, I feel so good. I'm doing something so good. First thing I do every day. First thing I do every day, down a point of water.

Well done you. And then the rest of the day is downhill, you understand? Right. Okay. But as long as I start on the water, then I still feel good about myself. No. See, I like coffee, tea, herbal teas when it's like, you know, I shouldn't be caffeinating anymore.

And cheeky Coca-Cola. And I really like, I live in America, really. So I can't really get this, but I do get it shipped over sometimes. And then friends come and visit me from London. I asked them to bring it is that Robinson's barley water squash with the peach flavouring one. Nice. So good.

That's the only thing that I'll drink to hydrate myself really. So, I mean, we've let people before in the pod for the water course do a little cheat and have a squash because it's essentially water that you just added something to. Okay. Yeah. Would you rather have that? Yeah. Or anytime I'd rather have that.

How strong are you making it? Not very. It only needs a touch. They don't really have squash in America. Well, because I've put that stuff in my fridge and one of our also no need to keep it in the fridge, but for some reason I like having it. Yeah. It's important.

But I have a nanny and she had only just started working for us. Old for a nanny, I'm sure. She, I have two children who are nine and 10. And I have a nanny. I'm actually not too old for a nanny. I could do with one. Yeah. Anyway, she made some of this for one of my daughters, but didn't put any water in it.

And when I told her, you know, you have to add water, she looked at me like I was completely insane. She never heard of it before. A whole glass of the butt of the concentrate. Yeah. I was like, you can't give that to my child. That's too much. How late was your child?

She didn't understand the concept of diluting squash. It's not something that they have. That's so dangerous. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to go to the moon drinking one of them. I told you, I've said on this podcast before, I did that once that a roller skating disco down to whole pint of it. Squash.

Squash. Oh my goodness. Because I thought it was pre-diluted because it was a kid's birthday party. I was also a kid. And I filled up a pint of it and nacked it because I'm a glugger. Straight down. It was only halfway down. Oh, grim.

50 million laps of the roller. Yeah. My tummy would be doing somersaults. Yeah. I mean, it would have been the end. It would have been the end of the whole party. I'd imagine if you had it. Popped-Obsorb-Red.

Popped-Obsorb-Red, Lily-Allen. Popped-Obsorb-Red. It's toughy, isn't it? That's why you've asked it. The tough questions. To try and get some sort of conversation out of it. You're wise to attack me. I get it now.

I mean, are there accoutrements that come with the poppadoms or the vat? Is it Batzer or, you know, the mint sauce or the mango chutney? This is your dream restaurant. People have even, you know, had bread with other little things. She's going. She's off. Should we give my stomach its own name so that we can talk to her as a separate person? What would you like to call it?

Yeah, I feel like it's weird. Are I going to name it? If we do, it's weird. Yeah, it's weird. Well, OK. Nadia. Nadia. Perfect.

Perfect. Nadia the noisy stomach. Yes. OK. Good night. Nadia's all right. She's just chilling. Popped-Obsorb-Red.

I think, oh, God, I mean, we're talking just in terms of this course. It's not like for the rest of my life, I can only have Popped-Obsorb. Don't worry. No, no, don't worry. It's just before the meal. What do you want bringing out? I promise, for the rest of your life, you'll have free choice. OK.

You have both. That's such a funny thing to worry about. Yeah. What contract am I signing here? Yeah. I think... It's a tough decision. It's like, you know, you're the twist in your play.

Hmm. What is it again? My goodness. You've been such a bad detector. Yeah, terrible at this game. I'm just going to get you up. I'm going to get you. I promise you.

I will have Popped-Obsorb-Manga-Chutney. Lovely. Just a chutney? No. Nadia? No. Relax. Just the mere mention of mango chutney.

It's the right choice. Well, I like the raw arugula. Hard prickle-blows for Nadia. I love that Nadia likes different things to you. Yeah. What? We hate mango chutney. Why are you lying to him?

Oh, dear. Just mango chutney. You don't like the rest of them? I do like the rest of them. But you just want the mango chutney? No, I will have the mango chutney and I'll have the little chopped onions. With what else? Isn't it?

Coriander, parsley or something? Yeah, that's all in there. And then lime pickle, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'll have all of that. Sometimes the lime pickle is not very nice. Sometimes it's okay.

I can take it or leave that, to be honest. Really? I used to. Mint sauce. Sometimes you have the little green mint sauce, don't you? Yeah, I love that. I like that. Sometimes somebody red hot one.

Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah. Do you want it on the sort of presentational spinny wheel they bring? Like a sort of little mini-lazy Susan. Yes, mini-lazy Susan. Yeah, I will have the mini-lazy Susan. Yes, please. I love those things.

Yeah. I think more food should be in those. Yeah, all food. Yeah. Agreed. I'd like that. Nadia. And Nadia.

She's been a-griefing. Lazy Nadia? Yeah. Not Lazy, actually. Very active. She's very active. Yeah. Is there a place you've had the best poppy-dums?

If I was going to get you the best poppy-dums you've ever had, is there somewhere a local curry house where you're growing up or something? Not now in America. I have to say, I'm not really that keen on like posh poppy-dums. And you know, at this stage in my life, I've quite part, you know, I tend to find myself in curry houses that aren't posh. And I'm quite disappointed in a posh poppy-dum. I prefer just like, you know, those ones that just disintegrate in your hand.

Yeah. When they're getting them out like a hot draw, because they've just been done ages ago. Yeah. A little bit of, I don't know if I should reveal this about myself. Is it the twist? It's not the twist. I have a bit of a weird stipulation when it comes to fast food, food. Yeah.

Basically, I can't really eat food if it hasn't been ordered for and made for me. Hang on. In what sense? Well, like, I can't go to McDonald's. I won't eat fast food like McDonald's or Burger King. And it's not because I don't like the taste of it. I do. But I just don't like the, like on a, I can't really deal with the idea that you order

something and it's just being taken from a pile of food that has already been made. Yeah. It has to be some kind of intention behind it. Yes. For me. So I can't eat plain food because it also just comes from a warehouse. Can be away from this if it's like in a vacuum, like I can eat a packet of crisps. A banana.

I can eat a banana. Yeah. Because God made that for me. Thank God. He's a wonderful chef. He is. Do you think God's making individual bananas for the people who will eventually eat them? Yes.

God knows. Yeah. Who's going to eat each banana? Yeah. Yeah. But I can't, I just can't eat foods that has not. I need to say, I would like that and then someone make it. Then I'll eat it.

Right. So it wouldn't work, say, if a McDonald's employee went and got the burger and went, this one's for Lily. That wouldn't help. I mean, if the McDonald's, if I said, can you make it from scratch in front of me? And he went to the freezer and got out the patty and put it, put it on the grill. Then I could eat it because I can eat in an out burger in America. Yeah.

Because you can see it. And they do the fries. And they do the fries live, live. Live fries. So yeah. This doesn't make me sound like a very good person, does it? But I just don't know. I mean, I suppose actually, it's a sort of like quite anti-capitalist way of thinking,

of eating. I've just don't, yeah, I'm not really up for food, mass consumption. Yeah. And production of food. Absolutely fair enough. Also fresh is best, right? Also just plays havoc with Nadia. Yeah, Nadia.

She hates it. Nadia needs fresh. Yeah. I mean, is it made specifically for you or is it made specifically for Nadia? That's the question. Yeah. I mean, I think it's got to suit both our needs, you know, it's got to tick both our boxes. Yeah.

To go in this box. Dream starter. Does it have to be a traditional starter or could it just be a main course that I'm going to have for a starter? Well, that's it. Straight away, straight away. Also, I don't, I'm a bit confused because there's this thing, there's this restaurant that I go to quite a lot, which I say quite a lot.

It's only recently opened about six months ago, but I've been there a lot since it's opened whenever I'm in London. And it's called Dorian and they have these delicious chicken liver parfait, which I think they must like squidge on through a sort of cake, you know, like with icing. It looks a bit like an icing bag. Yeah. They put it on to, it says on a soldier. It's like, you know, when you had egg and soldiers when you were a kid.

Yeah. It's like that. It's just on a piece of toast and it comes along, but it's not really a starter. It's almost like a pre-starter, but post-bread. Can I have that extra course? Throw in a little can of pay course. It's a pre-starter. This is a pre-starter.

Yeah. I love this kind of. Because it sounds, it sounds little, right? It's very little. And it's more just like a little taste. It's so rich as well. Like you couldn't have more than one, like, but it definitely wouldn't fill you up. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So we've got that. Yeah, we've got that. So that's in the bag. I love this. You've got that. Absolutely running rings around us already.

Yeah. I met up with two friends recently from America. And as soon as I sat down with them, huh? Here he is. Here he is. Oh! Lonnie Don! The first one they said to me, they went, right.

What would you say a row of soldiers is? Because they had clearly been having a debate with each other about Brits and what we say. And obviously, as soon as I said it, the lady of the couple, there's a straight couple. The lady of the couple went, yeah, I told you I was right. And she was right. But then they told me the context that they'd had this discussion about was actually they'd watched a Bake Off episode. And Mary Berry had said that she wanted all the crimping on the pastry to be like a row

of soldiers. And I think Mary Berry would have been talking about actual soldiers of war. Okay. Right. What was the word? It's another classic James A. Castler story. What was the word? Huh?

What was the word? The row of soldiers. Oh, I just said it would be when you, that's when toaster, you chop it into long fin bits. Oh, okay. Okay. I thought you were talking about like a collective noun, like, you know, sort of argument of witches. Like what would you call a row of soldiers? Oh, yeah.

What would you call a row of soldiers? Platoon. Platoon of soldiers. Platoon. Yes. If I'm ever, I once fantasized about having a... Careful. Okay.

James, we've told you about this before. What? This is a podcast, man. You can't bring guests in here and start telling them about your fantasies again. This is Charlotte Church all over again. Oh, no. Oh, man. Charlotte Church really ruined my life.

We love Charlotte. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was a fantastic guest. And then James said, you want to be in a waterfall? I lived this down. Charlotte called James a pervert immediately.

Oh. It was fantastic. What did you mean? She wanted to have her watercourse from a waterfall. And she said, I want to hold the cup under the waterfall and have it. And I said, are you going to hold the cup under there or do you want to be under the waterfall like that? And I was not thinking like dirty, pervy, like wet t-shirt stuff.

At all. But Charlotte Church, man. She... Went there. She went there. She threw me in amongst it all. And everyone was like, that guy's a grubby little pervert. It's never...

It's all people shouting me now in the street. OK. So what are you fantasising about this week, James? A toaster that has slots for soldiers. That is a genius. That is a great idea. You can put a whole platoon in there at once. Yeah.

That is so clever. My daughter, Marnie, who's my youngest daughter, she likes to have two dippie eggs for breakfast before she goes to school. Nice. And I'm constantly making soldiers. Yeah. That is my morning routine. How many soldiers for two dippie eggs?

I do like two quite big slices of sourdough and then chop them that way and then in half. And so there's quite a big mound of soldiers. Great. She didn't really eat the egg. She just eats the soldier. Egg for you? Do you get... Yeah, actually, you know what?

I do. When I drop them off and I come back and I'll have the egg. But I've recently realised that my cat likes the egg. And I've walked in on the cat in on the egg. So I've obviously come in before and eaten this egg and my cat's been in there. You've eaten cat eggs. So I'm just... Yeah, I've been eating cat eggs.

Just to be clear, because you weren't very... You weren't as detailed. It's like eating the egg. She... My cat stands on the table and licks the inside of the egg, which I've left there after, you know, to go and do the school run. I've come back, not realised the cat has been in my egg. Yes.

And I've then eaten the rest of the egg. And it's disgusting. I understood that story. OK. Absolutely perfectly the first time. OK. James, what did you think was happening? Fucking the egg.

You thought the cat was fucking the egg. OK. You are a perv. They're going to be shouting at you on the street again. You guys have sent me down that grubby road and then I was like, oh man, the cat's there on top of the egg. Fucking it. That's a great idea, though.

The toaster. The cat on the egg? No. That's not a good idea. I'm ashamed of myself. Don't encourage it. Oh dear. The toaster with the soldiers.

Yes. So we aren't actually on your starter yet, because we've got this mousse bouche, which sounds delicious. Yeah. But the starter, is this when you're going to get a main course and change it into something? Yeah, because this is the sort of thing that I go to when I'm in London. I've chosen things from English places because no one's going to know what we're on. Well, presumably people listen to you in America as well, right?

They do. It's just a bit, Lily. Okay. How do y'all for listening? Maybe I should think about the American listeners, but I'm not going to. Yeah, you don't have to. Okay. I go to the gym in Knightsbridge.

It's a very fancy gym. And I really work up an appetite in the gym, as you do, because you go running. No. You go running? No. I do go to the gym, though. He does. He goes to the gym.

You know what it's like. You work out. It was an exercise bike last night. Text him on the exercise bike. We text each other. Okay. Ed was at home watching us on TV. Yeah.

That said, it's evening. Nice. I am going to the gym, and after I've worked up an appetite in the gym, I come out, and what is in front of me? Harrods. So I go into Harrods to the food hall. And there's this little counter where they do chicken tikka wraps. I'm going to have one of those because they are absolutely delicious.

And they feel very naughty, mainly because there's nowhere to eat it. So you have to come out and then like find a place on the steps outside Harrods. And I'm in my gym gear, like putting all the calories back on that I've just lost. But that's the joy of it, right? And oh gosh, it's so yummy. So they make it in front of you obviously, so they won't be able to eat it. And yeah, you say I'll have the chicken tikka, and then I'll have like a little pot of pomegranate and pile of coriander, fresh onions, fresh chilies.

And you choose all the bits that you want. And then they chuck it in and they wrap it up. I think they bung it in the microwave maybe. Nice. And then, yeah, that's one of my favorite things to eat. How spicy are you going on it? Pretty spicy. Yeah.

Yeah. Like it's green chilies, so they literally, they usually pick up a few and sprinkle them and I go no more please. So they're always having to go back with your order. Double dip. Double dip on the chilies for sure. Double dip. Sorry Nadia.

It sounds like, that's a starter. Yeah, I think that doesn't feel like, it certainly doesn't feel like a main course. It's not a meal. So I feel like starter is where it belongs. Also it goes to the gym in the morning, so it's mid-morning snack, which I think could be a starter, part of it off as a starter. Yeah. It's a precursor to lunch.

So yeah, why not? I know what you mean about the whole like going to the gym and then just putting it, putting everything back in again. Yeah. I had a facial the other day and then got hammered. Yeah. Afterwards. Yeah.

Yeah. First time I've ever had a facial. Really? I had a facial and then got absolutely shit-faced. Yeah. So just ruin your skin completely. Yeah. Yeah.

Just put loads of beer in my head. Yeah. In your face. In my face and my head ahead. It's a weird thing about James. When he drinks beer, it just stays in his head. Yeah. Doesn't even go.

It's like a lava lamp. Yeah. What kind of facial did you have? Hydrofacial. Ooh. Those are fancy facials. I loved it. Yeah.

Because it kind of makes that noise. Yeah. And then I just went to sleep at one point. Yeah. That happens. Yeah. Just dozed off for a bit and I woke up and then she told me off for everything wrong I've been doing with my skin.

Yeah. And then I went home. Nice. Went to my friend's 40th birthday party. Got hammered. And now I look like this. You look gorgeous, mate. Maybe you should go back and have another facial.

Yeah. Yeah. I might go. Well, she told me I'd have to go back. But I was like, I'm not falling for that trick. But you keep getting me here all the time to get it. Do you know what I mean? I'm not stupid.

I love those food halls. They're so good. I'll just, I'll regularly just go and walk around one or not buy anything. That and Fortnums and all of that. Just have a little stroll around. Have a look at everything. 100% with you. Go over there.

Back on the tube. Selfridges got one. Yes. Yeah. That's a good one too. Yeah. That's a good one. I've done some Christmas shopping there before.

Yeah. In Selfridges. Yeah. Okay. And then. All food. I've been there to get wine for people before. Right.

And bits of food. I like doing little food hampers at Christmas. I've moved together myself. Oh my goodness. It's a very different place. I've got a little story about that. Cause I just moved to New York. Cause my husband is from New York.

And we've lived there. And we moved into a new house. We've been doing it up for two years. And we had these neighbors next door, which we thought were going to hate us because we've been making all this noise for two years. Anyway, they came over just before Christmas with a huge hamper. It's a very old Italian neighborhood, our neighborhood. And we had like all green and red and white, like sort of streamers and stuff on it and

the cellophane on the outside. And we were like, oh, that's very nice. And they came in. I was still coming. We'll have a cup of tea. They came in and had a cup of tea. And what they'd done was they'd gone around to all of the local little places, food places in the neighborhood and got us like the place, the biscuits from the place that does the

good biscuits and mozzarella from the place that does the good mozzarella. And all of the nice little Italian delicacies from around the neighborhood. And they put business cards of each of the businesses and on the back, the good things that those places do. That is so nice. It was the nicest thing that anyone could do. I felt so bad for having made so much noise. And then they're like, thank you.

Thank you for moving here. Thank you for the noise. So sweet. That is great. What a great present. Yeah, it's lovely. Fantastic. So exactly what you want when you move somewhere that you don't really know the neighborhood.

It's like now I know exactly where to go to get all the good stuff. Yeah. Try all these. See if you like them. Here's the best things ever. I wish that that happened wherever you moved. Yeah. There's a real sense of community in New York, I must say.

People really do take care of each other as is evidenced by that act of kindness. Just like in Ketman. So what? That's like in Ketman where I'm from. Oh, like Kettering, yeah. Don't live there anymore, though, do you? No, no. Everyone's horrible.

I had to get out. Did Lindsay Lohan have something to say about Kettering once? Yeah, she did. I seem to remember that. She had a big problem with it. She slugged off Kettering, didn't she? Was that to do with Brexit? Yeah, yeah.

It was the night of the referendum results. And as they were coming in, Lohan was in London. Right, OK. Watching the results rolling on TV. And when it was announced that Kettering had voted to leave, she was just live tweeting it all and she was like, I'm sorry, Kettering, but I've never even heard of you. She really slammed him. And then the Kettering MP Philip Hollerbone, who's a conservative MP and had campaigned

for Brexit in Kettering and had won a union jacksuit in order to do that campaign. And then in Parliament after it had been confirmed we were leaving. Instead of going in and having a chat in the House of Commons or House of Lords, whether it was about what we should do next and moves next, he stood up and said, I think Lindsay Lohan should apologize to Kettering. So that was that. Serious guy. Yeah.

He has a bunch of jokes about Kettering being the most average town in the UK. So just does it down even more. And then he said she should apologize by turning on the Christmas lights. Did she? She said she would. She said she would. She tweeted and said, I will do it. She said, contact me.

This is the genius move. She said, DM me Kettering Boher Council and I will sort it out. And then Kettering Boher Council went to DM her and they had to do a public tweet and say, Lindsay, I'm afraid we can't DM you because we follow you, but you don't follow us back. And it was like, that's a move from like, yeah, so fucking remember who you're talking to. I'm Lindsay Lohan. You're Kettering Boher Council. Don't ever call me out ever again.

Exactly. So she didn't do it. And instead they got Heather from EastEnders. I thought it was Hugh Dennis that year. No, it was Heather from EastEnders did it. And she, you know, she went and really got the crowd going. But then they played a video, Lindsay Lohan did a video saying, hey, everyone from Kettering, sorry that I can't be there.

But she'd like put a funny filter on her face where she had flowers in her hair. And so she wasn't taking it seriously. She filmed it in portrait as well. That's real proper. You don't give a shit because it didn't even fulfill the whole screen. And Heather said that everyone in Kettering was feeling really down about it after they got that video. And she had to turn the lights on.

Yeah. Just calling her Heather now. Yeah. Yeah. Heather from EastEnders. And she said, she said that in her head, when she pressed the button for the lights, it was going to be like Thunderbirds are go. I remember her saying that to me when I tried to make a documentary about this.

About the whole about Lindsay Lohan. Yeah. Yeah. Because I can't believe I've actually brought this. You're like an expert. Amazing that he didn't immediately respond with, I tried to make a documentary about this and decided to tell the whole story and wait for this. Well, I thought I should explain why I know how Heather was feeling.

So you've interviewed Heather. Yes. What's her real name? Yeah. Cheryl. And she said that she was going to say like Thunderbirds are go and press the, she kept saying Thunderbirds are go quite a lot. Yeah.

Because that's really stuck with you. In the chat. She kept on saying it a lot. You like that bit, didn't you? Yeah. She liked that bit. Yeah. She said Thunderbirds are go so many times and I really, I logged it in my head.

But instead she felt quite dejected about it. And the following year I turned on the lights to see. So it was like, I was trying to, it went down quite well. Although I wasn't told I'd be doing it with some members of the Panto. So that felt a bit. Oh, that's annoying. Not as cool. And the mayor.

One day you'll get to do it all on your own. Yeah. You'll headline that event. I can't wait for that day. That'd be really cool. Maybe me and Lohan, I wouldn't mind sharing the stage with Lohan if Lohan wants to come and do it. Although I don't think she should apologize.

We follow each other on social media. I could ask her if you want. Ask her what she thinks. So look, about that Kettering promise. Yeah. I think you could follow through. Yeah. Go and do it.

Would you be willing to stay on the Christmas lights if you were co-headlining with James A. Kaster? Yes. Do you know what I mean? Lins Lohan got friendship tattoos together. Did you? Yeah. When we were very, very inebriated.

Must be more than 10 years ago now. She broke me out of the Chateau Marmont Hotel at about three o'clock in the morning and had promo to do the next day. So they had security out front of my hotel room because I was very badly behaved in those days. Yeah. Very cool. But she knew how to get out the back way.

So she came to my room. We jumped over the fence at the back of the hotel and then ran down Sunset Boulevard to Shamrock tattoo parlor. And we both got this tattoo, which now says 1985, but that night it said, shh. I'm pointing at my finger. Oh, right. So it's just like. You know, that thing that you do when you say shh, you put your finger over your mouth.

So I'm quite pleased with that. Lins Lohan had matching tattoos, then woke up the next day and her headlines were Linsie and Lily copy Rihanna. Oh dear. And I was very angry with Lins Lohan because she had sold it to me as an original idea. She did not tell me that it was already existing on one of the coolest, you know, pop stars in the whole world. Also claimed that she was in the original parent trap.

No, but you know, I went up for that role. Did you? And that has been like a bone and contention between us. Yeah. So I would always like be drunk and I could have been you all the way to the parent trap. And she'd be like, okay, whatever. Let's kind of get a friendship tattoo. I'm going to make you look like a proper idiot.

Rihanna's already got it. We should get a friendship tattoo. Yeah. Here's a good idea. You can get one on your finger for when you turn on the Christmas lights. It says Thunderbirds. I'll go. That would be cool.

You would have to get the same one. Yeah, fine. I like Thunderbirds. Yeah. Why don't you get one, two, three or three, two, one? Yeah. Yeah. Three, two, one.

And then I can shout Thunderbirds. I'm sort of seeing the font because it used to come up on screen. Three, two. Yeah. I think that would look quite cool. I mean, I'll get anything these days. Yeah. Yeah.

Ed's tattoos are insane. Yeah. I've tattooed him. Really? I've tattooed him. Yeah. I've given him a tattoo. I've got a tattoo studio and James tattooed me.

Oh, that's nice. I don't know what Celebrity Hunter is. Well, it's kind of like what you and Lohan did. Okay. They filmed it. They filmed it. Sneaking out, running away. Why does it say 1985 now?

When it said, sure. Because that's the year that I was born. But how did it change? You changed it. Because I went over it. There were only a few different options that I could do because it had to be four characters, obviously, because it was SHHH. You can do that now.

And I went over it. Well, it hasn't done very well. It just looks like a blob on my finger with some dots after it. Because Lohan knows that you've changed it. We haven't really spoken about it. But she has made contact recently with me. She wants to be friends again. I'm quite up for it.

Dream main course. Dream main course. Otherwise, this is going to... We're getting on too well. That's what's happening. Yeah. Oh, dear. Does that happen often?

I've never liked a guest until now. It's the first time. Normally, the episodes are 35 minutes. Yep. And that is too long between you and me. My main course is going to be from a restaurant. Probably my favourite restaurant in London. It's called the Afghan Kitchen.

And it is on Islington Green. It is delicious, that restaurant. And my favourite... Answer me this. Obviously, it's kind of like a curry in the sense that you have rice, sort of like a chicken dish, and then some vegetable dishes. So I'm going to allow the vegetables to go with this. Yeah.

I think so. If it all comes together in one course. Okay, yeah. So I'm having chicken and yogurt from the Afghan Kitchen with rice. Moong dal, which is lentils, but looks a bit like mashed potatoes, but red. So delicious. Great.

And pumpkin and yogurt. And it's like stewed pumpkin. It's like big chunks and they hold their shape with this sort of, I don't know, sweet, yummy sauce all over it. And then it comes with some yogurt, which you dribble over the top. I cannot tell you how delicious this food is. I mean, it sounds amazing.

You really need to go there. Yeah, yeah. I've never heard of it. I don't think... I've nearly been there so many times, because I've been past it a lot near Angel. When you go there and you have it, they also do this bread with pickles.

We've already done bread, so obviously we can't really go into that. Also very delicious. But you'll go there and you'll eat, and it will be one of your favourite places you've ever been, and you'll think, why the hell didn't I do this 10 years ago? Because it's sad.

You've done yourself a disservice from not having gone there already. I'm pretty bummed out about it, to be honest. Well, you should be. The guy there that owns it and still does all the cooking is this guy called Habib. And it's based on... It's on Islington Green. I don't know if the bus stop is still there,

but right outside the restaurant is the bus stop, and when I was a kid, I used to get that bus, or go stand at that bus stop to get the bus to school. Quite often I'd have forgotten my travel card, and Habib would always be there opening up in the morning, and he'd give me money for the bus. That's nice.

Yeah. He's lovely. He's really, really one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted people I've ever met. And that was like 30 years ago. He's still there making the same five dishes every day, twice a day. That's quite so delicious.

You've got to go there. And afterwards, we don't even have to sort out transport home. No, Habib will sort us out. Just tell him I sent you. Yeah. Come on, Habib. We know that you do this for people.

I'm not sure he does it for everyone, you know. No. We can't go in there and ask for a free meal and say, I've forgotten my travel card. Doesn't even make sense. I don't know about that. We can try.

If you don't ask, you don't get. You could say Lily told us that when she forgot her travel card, you would give her some money for the bus. Yeah. And he'll go, yes, but that was 30 years ago when a travel card cost £1.80.

Yeah. No, that's £7.90. The little girl couldn't get the bus to school. Yeah, and also you can tap it on your debit card. Also, she was really sweet. Also, she was a child and not two grown men who've clearly decided they're going to do this before they arrived.

No, but do say I sent you and he'll be very happy. Chicken and yogurt. Chicken and yogurt is my favourite thing. They also do lamb and potatoes, but I like the chicken and yogurt with the moong dal. There's a dish called Sarah's as well,

which is like kidney beans and chickpeas and potatoes. But I'm not going to put that on there because I think I'm being a bit greedy and I have had a chicken tikka wrap already. Sure, you've teed it up with that. Actually, I've also had chicken liver. I've gone very chicken heavy.

I've gone chicken for every course so far. You're eating beaked to tail here. You're having the full chicken. Full experience. Do you want it all to be from the same chicken? Interesting. Or does that make it weird? No, I don't think it makes it weird.

I think it's weird that we would... That's also something I find strange is when people order a bucket of wings and you think not one of those wings has come from the same chicken. Not one. How do you know? Well, just probabilities.

We're talking about from KFC, the likelihood of the same chickens. Two wings? Yeah, I've got two wings. Wow. It's like when I liked you, I thought there were four wings. Till today, I thought the chickens

had four wings. It is two wings, as far as I'm aware. I don't fucking know how many wings a chicken's got. I think anything that... He could have a little secret wing under his big wings. He could have secret wings for God's sake, James. I've not studied chicken anatomy. I think outside of a dragonfly,

pretty much everything has wings as two, right? I didn't know you're asking the wrong person. Sure. I've gone bold there, but I'm pretty sure dragonflies are four, right? Right. Nothing as one, because they don't sign in circles. So, I think everything else is two.

In your dream meal, you have it all from the same chicken, maybe. It's liver, pre-meal. Actually, it's going to need to be... How many breasts does the chicken have? No joking. Charlotte Church asked me that.

I do prefer breast meat to dark meat, and I'm hoping that my chicken tikka wrap is going to be breast meat, breast heavy, and the chicken yoga from the Afghan kitchen is also breast heavy, so... This is the dream meal, you know. I'm hoping it may be spread over one and a half chickens, maybe two.

Yeah. Okay, fair enough. I don't know if I could eat four whole chicken breasts in one meal, though. You don't think so? That's like bodybuilder stuff, isn't it? Nadia would go mental. Nadia would not be having that.

She'd be kicking off. Dream side dish, then. Does it have to go with this dish? It's up to you. If you're fine with things not going together and you just eat what you like, and it doesn't matter if they go together or not, that's fine. Whatever you want.

Your dream side dish. I mean, I'm sitting in a restaurant, and this is all happening on the same day and the same meal, so I don't want something that's really going to clash with this, because... Sure, some people do. Some people don't mind that. Some people just go,

they just want their favourite of everything, and then they're like, some people just go, they just want their favourite of everything, and they don't care if it goes together. Other people want the whole meal to go together. Chloe Fauci's. Now, I'm interested,

was that decision based on it clashing or going together? Oh, absolutely it doesn't go together. It's just the... I don't know. It's delicious, though. I think cauliflower cheese goes with most stuff. Yeah. I make roast dinner every week,

and the one thing that tends to rotate weekly, usually it's chicken, but sometimes we'll have beef. Apart from... Sorry, Nadia just needs a little massage. Yeah. Nadia's going to have to stomach. That's Nadia to you.

Sorry. It just sounds weird. One week we'll have cauliflower cheese, and the next week we'll have cheesy leeks. Great. There always has to be a cheese component. Yes. To what I'm saying.

You need that creamy cheese sauce on the roast. Yes. But cauliflower cheese is your favourite out of the... Yeah. ...dewdred cheesy leeks. From a restaurant, I really like... Well, I've sound like such a twat.

I sometimes go to the IV, because when I'm in the theatre land, they have cauliflower gratin, which is cauliflower cheese. Yes. Breadcrumbs on it and stuff. Yeah. I like that a lot.

And it's a side dish there. That's the instant upscale. Getting the breadcrumbs on it. I love cheesy leeks. I used to make me think about how much I love cheesy leeks. Now I want cheesy leeks with breadcrumbs and stuff. Well, if you're ever in New York, you may come to my house on a Sunday.

I should make your cheesy leeks. Right. Just the cheesy leeks. No, you can have the rest of the roast, too. I'll give you more cheesy leeks than everyone else. Oh, yeah. Thank you. And we'll bring a hamper.

Yes. With all the best produce from Kettering. Yeah, that'd be lovely. Oh, yes. Waitabix. End of list. I love a cauliflower cheese when you get the spoon and then you lift it up and there's a stretch.

There's clear cheese in there. Yeah. None of this... Some people don't put enough cheese in it. It's called cauliflower cheese. That's more of a thing of the cheese on the top, though, right? Yeah. Because the cheese in the sauce shouldn't really stretch.

It could, though. It could. But it's how much someone has sprinkled the cheese on the top level will determine the stretch. And how much cheese is sprinkling on the top for your cauliflower cheese? I'd say probably like quarter of a... A block.

A block, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. I would have thought you would have gone half block, so you have like double layer so that the cat can get the first layer. And you've got your one underneath, you know? No. Because that cat can't be trusted.

My cat hates human food. Ed's cat is very fussy. What kind of cat is it? Siberian. Hmm. He's beautiful. Yeah. He's beautiful.

My cat is beautiful. It's a he, but she's called Priscilla. Uh-huh. Right. Well, we bought her thinking she was a girl. Well, I was sold her as a girl because I went to the cat breed and I was like, I want a girl cat. And they said, oh, yeah, here we've got a girl.

Yeah. So I took her home. I was tricking the box. Later, she had a gammy eye. I took her to the vet and the vet said, this cat is male. Oh my God. What a vibe. She's amazing.

Yeah. We love Priscilla. She's honestly like, I didn't think I was a cat person really. I've always had dogs. And then in the new house, we've realized we had rodents. Big rodent problem in New York. And I went on all the blogs and everything and said, what am I going to do about these rodents?

Because I had the exterminates come around. They put the traps out, blah, blah, blah. They came around a month later, still had the droppings everywhere. And I was honestly beside myself and I thought, I can't. I've got my dream house. I'm not sharing it with rodents. And all the blogs said, only thing you can do, cat. I still was like sticking with the exterminator thing.

And then one of my kids called me and said, we've just seen something the size of an avocado scurry into the double doors with a big long tail. And I was like, that doesn't even sound like a mouse. I was like, all right. And the next day, I was. It really says a lot about their upbringing. It's the size of an avocado.

Mom, it's the size of a chicken tikka rat from Harrods. Anyway, I found myself in a Uber going to the Bronx to get a cat. Straight away. Straight away. I was like, this is not happening. Rat catcher. And so the catcher's the vats? Then the job?

Never. We've not heard anything from rats or mice since. That's amazing. Gone, completely gone. So they just go. So they don't even have to catch them? It's like, oh, well, she doesn't look like she did. It's like the rats and the mice don't care.

They just smell her. They're like, no, I'm not coming in there. Are you worried now, though, that the rats won't be able to cook you nice food like in Ratatouille since we're talking about food? That has kept me up actually. Your dream drink. Could you wash your hands? Yes.

We are in a restaurant. I did wash my hands. Staff must wash their hands. The very clean boy, aren't you, James? Very clean. For the listener, I went for a week. Yes. That's why I was asking you to wash your hands.

It's not for the listener. That's not an extra feature you can get. I do it for the listener. If you pay enough, I'll go for a week. Your dream drink, clearly. Your dream drink. My dream drink. Well, I am a recovering alcoholic.

So I'm going to say an alcoholic drink. Two ways that was going to go. Not for the first time on this podcast. I'm going to say Hendrix gin. Oh, no. Lily just closed her eyes. About just dropped open. Hendrix gin and tonic with a bit of, like a swirly bit of cucumber.

Nadia's crying right now. Nadia loved the gin. It was all her fault actually. What do you think? Sunderbirds are go. Yeah. It's like, what about a go? Yes.

I'm going to say alcoholic drink because that is my, yeah. I don't really drink about it, but sometimes it's actually less, less the alcohol part of it. It's the taste. I miss that particular drink a lot. It's quite thirst quenching. Do you just ever have like a, just a normal tonic? A tonic water with the? No.

No, no, no. Tonic water doesn't do it. Sometimes there's this stuff called seed lip, which is like fake gin. And that, that does the trick sometimes. Yeah. That is the thing. Like how can they drink so delicious? Some of them.

Yeah. Some of them are disgusting. Yeah. Some of them are disgusting. But man, I just want, I mean, this is another boring thing. I just want. Here we go. You won't find a lot of interviews you say, here comes another boring thing.

I'm so bored. You say you wish you could drink them and not get drunk? Yeah. Yeah. That would be, you know, if anyone goes, what would your superpower be? Never get drunk. Tipsy though. Yeah.

Yeah. I like being tipsy. Yeah. We all like being tipsy. That's a sweet spot. Why Hendricks gin? Why is that the best gin? That's a great question.

I think it goes well with the cucumber. It's like quite classic thing. Yeah. My ex husband introduced me to it. It's often like the nicest one you could get in a pub, right? Fucking idiot. Sorry. What?

Yeah. I saw that. I just said my ex husband. There was this glimmer in your... Yeah. He suddenly like, started twitching. And I was like, he'd tell you about to be like, may he burn it out? Oh well.

Some of it's going to happen. No, he's fine. Bless him. I just... Also, there'll be a lovely edit option there where you don't mention your ex husband. I say it's often the part you get in a pub and you just go, fucking idiot. Yeah. We arrive at your dream dessert, Lily Allen.

Excited to hear it. Yes. Having said that I don't like fast food, that is sort of related to savoury. When it comes to sweets, and I guess this I'm going to say is my dessert of choice because it is delicious. I get it from McDonald's and my husband goes to McDonald's. But it's not the same, I don't think, because it comes out of the machine. Okay.

Soft serve ice cream with the chocolate sauce. Oh, so I thought we were going down to McFlurry town. No. Just soft serve chocolate sauce. You're not a fan of the McFlurry? No one's ever chosen McFlurry. Yeah. I mean, I do like a McFlurry, but I don't...

Yeah. It's just the classic is where I'm at. Especially after I've had quite heavy meal. Yeah. I don't think I really want to overcomplicate it. I was going to say banoffee pie, but I think it's just a little bit heavy and there's too many components. Nadia's not happy about that choice.

She likes the soft serve. The simple, classic soft serve with what sort of chocolate sauce? Is it like a proper chocolate sauce? Like chocolate sundae sauce. It's just like hot chocolate sauce in it. Okay, nice. Yeah. Not the syrup stuff.

No, no, no, no. Like proper chocolate sauce. Like chocolate fudgy sauce. Yeah. From McDonald's. From McDonald's. How are you feeling about that, James? You're our resident dessert buff.

Well, obviously, I love it. I mean, you know, I think McDonald's got a few shout outs on the podcast before, but never for dessert, I don't think. People like the apple pie for you. Yeah, I do like the apple pie, but do they even do that anymore? Do they not do it? I think so. They're gone.

They surely wouldn't get rid of that, but they wouldn't do them specifically for you fresh, would they? No. They're coming out. That's something for my youth when I was not just so fussy. The hottest thing in the world. Yeah. Gosh.

When I was, yeah, a really hot one of those would take your mouth off, like your tongue was. Yeah. Oof. Scruciating. That's why I sort of feel like it might be not adhered to, like, health and safety centres. Is that why we're Brexited?

It was to get the... Oh, low hand. You get rid of it. Low hand. I'm not saying a thing or two about that. Get rid of the crispy apple pie. Yeah. Red tape.

Finally, we can make it 1000 degrees. Stop all the bureaucrats reducing the temperature of it. Are you saying your husband gets you this from... Yeah. Well, it tends to be when we do, like, road trips and they get drive-through, and that's the only thing that I can eat, because I really enjoy it. Yeah. But everyone else will eat, you know, food, and I'll eat that.

Me and Nadia eat that. Yeah. You have your cup of ice cream. Yeah. And that's your favourite soft serve. Like, is there no where else that competes? Like, I missed a whippy. Is it not as good?

I think it's just that because it's McDonald's, there's, like, a consistency to it. Not consistency like this, but, like, as in, it is consistent. The same everywhere. Yes. Yeah, you just know what you're getting. I don't know. I mean, I suppose you can...

99 flake. It's just not the same. Doesn't feel like it's the same sort of soft serve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a different texture, maybe, I don't know. It feels different in America, maybe. Maybe. Sometimes these things feel different in America,

rather than in a cold, British... I think the ingredients are different as well. I think there's more, like... I forgot to finish the sentence. Sorry? I forgot to finish the sentence, and then I just said park too late, so sorry about that.

Park? Yeah. The old British park is what I went for. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. Before I made your menu back to you, favourite McDonald's character?

Favourite McDonald's character? Yeah, you know, you're the character. Or McDonough character. You're the character. It's me! That was your way of getting the twist, wasn't it? Did you know the hamburger was in the pillow, man? That is the twist.

The hamburger dinner at the end. Don't! Shit! Sweet dreams! The hamburger's there. Favourite character of McDonald's? Yeah. Isn't that just Ronald?

No, the hamburger. The hamburger, Grimace. Grimace, the big purple guy. I honestly don't even know what you're talking about. What? No. I did not engage with this particular part of culture. Not as a child.

My wife and my wife, McDonough, did have a chain restaurant called McDonough's. And it was like all of his... All of his character. What would you think it would be like? I'm going to pitch it to him. What kind of food do you think it would serve? Fish, obviously.

Yeah, lots of fish. Lots of blood and gore. Yeah. Everywhere. Be pretty gruesome, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. Dead donkey. Yeah, finger.

Yeah. Dead cat in one of his planes. You brought up a donkey. Sorry. Sorry there, everyone. Rest in peace to that donkey. I'll IP Jenny. I'll IP Jenny.

Poor Jenny. What a way to end this episode. McDonough's. Lol. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Jenny, the donkey. Water. You want Robinson's barley water. Peach flavour.

Quite weak. Poppins or bread. Poppins with all the dips. Then you want an amuse-bouche chicken liver parfait with soldiers from Dorian. Starter. Harrod's chicken tikka wrap. Main course.

Chicken and yoghurt. Rice. Moondal. Pumpkin and yoghurt from Afghan Kitchen. Side dish. Cauliflower. Gratin from the IV. Drink.

Hendricks gin and tonic with cucumber. Dessert. Soft serve ice cream with chocolate sauce from McDonald's. Gotta be pretty happy with that. Classic. Classic. What's about that? Three chicken courses in a McDonald's ice cream.

Why not? I think it's the first time we've had, within the space of one menu, Harrod's and McDonald's. Yeah. There you go. So that's pretty good. You're running the full gamut there. I love it. It's very me.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. People could, I think people could look at that. Not know it's chewing and go. I think that's Lillianne's menu. Yeah. Bit high low.

Yeah. Thank you very much to you and Nadia for coming to the dream. We'd say it's a pleasure, but we'd be lying. This is just work for us. Yes. Not enough of our guests are honestly about that. Just. Not for us.

No. Not work at all. If we're going to get paid, we never have. There we are, James, the off-menu menu of Lillianne. What fun? What fun? What a fun app. We just had a laugh, man.

We just had a laugh. I mean, that will get edited down quite severely, I think, because we were chatting for a while. I mean, I don't know if this will be edited out, but there was a moment where you went, we're just all getting on so well. Yeah. Which puts a lot of pressure on the guest, I think. If anyone said to me, hey, we're getting on really well. Yeah.

I'd then probably overthink it and not get on with them. Well, this explains a lot in my life. I say this to a lot of people. This kind of thing. James is still learning social skills and social cues and things like that. One day at a time, man. One day at a time. You're doing very well, mate.

Thank you. That was a lovely chat. I thought you did very well. Yes. Lillianne was wonderful. Lily didn't say apples. Lily didn't say apples. So we didn't have to kick her out.

Thank the Lord. You should go and watch Lily's new show, Dreamland. It is a Sky Original Comedy. It's on Sky Atlantic or on the streaming service now. Kostar and Freeman Agamon, Gabby Bears, Kyle Smith-Biner, an amazing cast of people. Go and watch it. It's all set in Margate. As Lily said, she's also doing a play that starts in June in the West End of London.

The Pillowman written by Martin McDonough. Duke of York Theatre. Duke of York Theatre. Very excited to see that as well. Let me know the twist. Yes. I was hoping she was going to pick a Martini, James, and then I was going to say, with a twist.

Brilliant. But she's a recovering hour. So she picked Gin instead. We've been sent some things, James. We like to do a little shout out if people have sent us nice stuff. Kitty's Kits, for example. Kitty's Kits. This is wonderful, isn't it?

It is great. Kitty is a very inspiring figure. Yes. Her and her father started up this company where 100% of the profit from each of that, these are baking kits that they can send out. So you can learn to bake at home. And there's little books they've made that talk you through how to make dough, loaf, focaccia, pizza, flatbread, all sorts of things.

And it seems to be pitched sort of all ages, really, James. All ages. Which is what I need when it comes to baking. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need someone to speak to me like I'm five. So that I can actually make it proper. And 100% of the profit from the kit goes towards their bread education project,

where they give free kits and bread classes to different communities from schools to prisons to food banks. Because we all need good bread. We do all need good bread. That's one so lovely to send us some. Really lovely to send us some. And Kitty, congrats. You've achieved more with your life than we have.

And you are a lot younger than us. Yes, a lot younger. Do go and check out Kitty's kits if you're more interested in finding things out about that. kitties.kits on Instagram, kittieskits.co.uk. Lovely. Bonjour. We also got sent some macarons, James. Merci.

Merci to Madame Waselle Macaronne. That's not part of my joke about speaking French. She's called Madame Waselle Macaronne. Yes. And they had all pictures of us on it and stuff. Our faces on the Macaronne, which I don't know yet. Who's going to eat which face? We've been sent some wine, James.

Some canned wine from the Canned Wine Co. Oh, very interesting. You know, canned wine is getting better and better, man. It is indeed. I mean, we had some at the close of Christmas party. It was very nice. I don't think I did. This is two years ago.

All right. Also some other wine we've been sent from Femille Perrine, James. Rhone Valley, Southern Rhone Valley. I love a Rhone. Do you? I didn't know you loved a Rhone. I do love a Rhone. Excited to try some of the Femille Perrine wine. Thank you for the wine.

Thank you for the wine. Merci. Also to compliment the wine, we've been sent some beer. Tartarus beer. Tartarus beer. Some lovely craft beers from Yorkshire, courtesy of the Tartarus people. Thank you very much, Tartarus. And sorry for Ed's comments about your puddings.

What? Yorkshire puddings, he doesn't like it. Oh, I see. Yorkshire puddings, right. I was trying to get Tartarus. What sort of pudding is a tartarus? Tartarus puddings. Oh, an apple tartarus.

Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you again next week. Bye-bye. Bye. Crunch, crunch. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to.

Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog.

You've left it so late.