Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 192: Helen Bauer

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

Edinburgh Comedy Award-nominated stand-up, ‘Live at the Apollo’ star and ‘Trusty Hogs’ podcast co-host Helen Bauer is this week’s guest. And she’s so committed to her menu she’s ordered some of it last night.Trigger warning: there is some talk about compulsive eating. Helen Bauer is going on tour. Visit helenbauer.co.uk for dates and tickets.Listen to Helen’s podcast with Catherine Bohart, ‘Trusty Hogs’, wherever you listen to podcasts.Follow Helen on Twitter and Instagram @HelenBaBauerRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the chicken of good chat, marinating it in the spices of humour, leaving it in the fridge of the internet, and then grilling it on the flames of interesting facts. Tasty! My name is James Acaster. That is Ed Gamble. We own a dream restaurant. We invite a guest every single week, and we ask them their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Helen Bauer.

Helen Bauer, a wonderful comedian, wonderful podcaster. Highly recommend the podcast that she does with another Off Menu alumni, Catherine Bohart. It's called Trusty Hogs. We've both done it. We've both been on Trusty Hogs, yes. Fantastic. Do catch Helen live whenever you can, whatever she's doing. You want to investigate it. Also, I know her from The Augment. I beg your pardon? We are from The Augmented Universe of Pokemon. We both play Pokemon Go. We're in a crew together with Sakeesa, if you've been talking about alumni. We can't use crew.

Well, we are a crew because we have to do the raids together. Raids? Yeah, we have to take down a gym, and then we beat up a massive Pokemon, and then we all get to try and catch it. So that's me, Sakeesa. Bauer. I mean, never people haven't been on the podcast. You might not know them as well, but there's about seven of us. Your wife is meant to be in the crew, but she never shows up. Yeah, because my wife is somehow cooler than you. Yeah, well, it happened. You finally found someone cooler than me. That's why you're

married, I guess. Yes, you and Helen Bauer are one of the only remaining people in the world to play Pokemon Go. Yeah, and both of us, because Pokemon Go had come out in 2016. That's when everyone got the app, did it for a bit, then stopped doing it. Bauer and I both got into it pretty late 2019. We were late to the party, and that's why the fire still burns bright. We were really passionate about it. So in fact, when Bauer gets here, I've got to do a trade with her. I got some regionals from America when I was over there.

Do you want to just do that on the podcast then? Yeah, yeah, because she's really excited to get it. Got a talk hole for her. A what? A talk hole. It's a talk hole. It's a turtle that has a blowhole in its shell. Right. A little orange turtle has a blowhole in its shell.

That was, I think that's stupid. Oh, no, no, no. You wait till you see it. It kind of... No, because the shell is protective. Why would there be a hole in the shell? Then predators are going to get to it, right? It goes like, like it's going to have a poo, but then it blows air out of its blowhole. Why is it blowing air out of its blowhole? You've got a blowhole. You've got to blow it out of it. But is it a land-based creature?

Yeah, yeah, it's walking around the land. So does it need a blowhole? It's stupid. I guess that's maybe the point. You could chuck it in water and it could survive under there as well. Has it got a mouth? Yes. Yeah. Stupid. Breathe in your mouth. I think that's a... These are more questions for Professor Willow rather than me. He's the expert. I'll just catch him all.

Who's Professor Willow? He's the guy who gives you, like, you know, research tasks to do. Right. And he's the one who's doing all the research into the Pokemon. Yeah. James, he can be a bit of a jerk and we get a bit annoyed with him. Bauer and I can slag off Willow quite a lot on the group chat. Don't... Let's not make this all about Pokemon today, James.

Well, don't get to see a member of the crew in person very often. It'd be quite nice to talk about it. No, we're talking about food. That's what the podcast is about. Helen's going to do her dream meal. And, you know, I've listened to a lot of trusty hogs and I think you're safe in terms of sweet things. Yes. She talks about Chucky a lot. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, Bauer and I once had lunch with Anya, who's been on the podcast.

Oh, my God. And what a sweet day that was. That was put in central. Yeah. That was the meal where the waitress told us that we would get worms. Yeah. So that was... I think I'm OK with Bauer coming on the pod when it comes to puts.

I sent Anya a hot chocolate velvetizer. I'd say thank you for supporting me on tour for the day she supported me on tour. Lovely, lovely thought. You know, a nice gift. And then her flatmate messaged me saying, are you trying to kill her? Yeah. Miss Light sent in a toaster to a baby for their birthday. Play with this. I mean, it's not exactly like that.

It's a dangerous stuff. I wouldn't send a toaster to a baby and go, oh, no, they're going to make toast all day long. Yeah, OK. That was not quite like that actually. I mean, you're probably right. But we're not here to talk about Anya. We're here to talk about Helen Bauer. Yes.

However, even though Bauer is a member of the crew and our respecter, if she says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is golden raspberries. Why aren't you saying it with me, Ed? Because I forgot what it was because it's a Pokemon thing again. Listen, golden raspberries.

Oh, my God. B-E-R-R-Y. Raspberries, golden raspberries. They're the main treat in the Pokemon game. So why is it a secret ingredient then? Are they good? Oh, listen, they're good for the Pokemon, but not for the trainer.

Right, the trainer can't eat them. Why? Because for the Pokemon, there's Pokemon only. I've never seen a trainer eat a golden raspberry. It gives the Pokemon extra energy. So if the Pokemon is flagging, you give it the golden raspberry if it's in a gym. If you put the Pokemon in the gym

and loads of people have beat it up and its energy levels are down, you can feed it a golden raspberry and it goes right up to maximum energy again. And if you're trying to catch the Pokemon in the wild, if you give it a golden raspberry, it makes it super easy to catch. But golden raspberries aren't just everywhere.

They're the rarest of all the treats. There's a normal raspberry. There's a nana berry. It's like a banana one. And there's the pineapple berry as well. And there's silver pineapple berry, which is probably my personal favourite. But golden raspberry is the most sought after.

I think Helen would like to... Because it's a dream restaurant, I think Helen would like to know what a golden raspberry tastes like in real life and might choose it. If we have to try and kick Helen Bauer out of the restaurant, I fear this may be the last thing we do in our lives. Yeah, listen.

I'm looking forward to Helen Bauer. Yeah, we were lucky that Jade was over Zoom. Yeah. Because if that was in person, Jade would have beat the shit out of us. So Bauer is like... You know, it's like in the Terminator films, Jade's like the first Terminator in the first film,

and now this is T-1000. Yeah. This is like, you know, what's the Robert Patrick way of the name? What's his name? The guy actor. Who's all liquid metal. That's what Bauer is to Jade. I don't think she's going to say golden raspberry.

She might do. I think she might be thinking a lot about Pokemon, you know, because I'm on the pod. Yeah. And she'll be like, I was wondering what a golden raspberry tastes like. I think... Here's what I'm going to say. Yeah. Is it unfair then to talk to her about Pokemon?

No. Are we not then absolutely setting her up for a trap here? Well, I can't not talk about Pokemon to Bauer, but it's not an option. And I think the golden... I don't have a chance to put golden raspberry as another secret ingredient for someone. Fair enough. I'm just putting it out there.

I've just got to do it. Just putting it out there. I've just got to do it, and I will take all the blame if it happens. Okay. She'll know that you weren't involved. She'll know that you don't know what a golden raspberry is. I don't know what a golden raspberry is. I played Pokemon go for a bit, but we'll talk about it to Helen. Yeah, yeah.

This is the off-menu menu of Helen Bauer. MUSIC Welcome, Helen, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, Helen Bauer, to the Dream Restaurant. We'll be spending you for some time. Wee! It's a genie! Thank you.

I genuinely thought there'd be a bit more to it than that. You just raised your arms. What did you think? At least a bit of smoke. Like something, like talcum powder. We see what we want to see. I've got a vape in my pocket. Do you want to do it again? Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you one.

BOOM! Welcome, Helen Bauer, to the Dream Restaurant. We'll be spending you for some time. It was actually a lot better. It was a lot better. It's just something to think about, just workshop it, you know what I mean? What flavours that vape? Cola. Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola vape. It's like sweet, cola sweets. No. I'm a traditionalist. Fags. Honestly, that's like straight hard tobacco. That's what I want. I did not understand this vape stuff. It makes me feel... Chokey. Like I'm going to choke.

Whereas I can have like twenty-six in a row. Absolutely fine. Time amounted if I wanted to. I don't, but I could. That's the point though. You don't though, do you? Yeah, you don't. And also, you couldn't. I genuinely believe I've got the focus to get up a mountain. After twenty-six of it.

After twenty-six, well, twenty packs, actually. You don't have me up there. That's not climbing a mountain though, is it? Someone shoving you up there. But like a big lad really doing a good push job. You and a sherpa going up. It's a poor sherpa pushing you up a mountain. You're smoking cigarettes.

Having to pass you six. Well, I'd share them, because surely they'd want to smoke as well. They'd be addicted by the amount of smoke coming back from me. They'd want more of it. If you got this sherpa addicted to cigarettes halfway up the mountain, do you not think that would then affect his ability to help you get up the mountain? Obviously, I haven't thought it through.

And also, Define Mountain. How about that? Define Mountain. I think you guys are picturing Everest. Whereas for me, a mountain could just be like a big pile of candy. And that's a candy mountain, you know? Use your imagination. We weren't picturing a candy mountain.

You've got us there. Which is rare for you. There's a mountain inside out, Bing Bong. And he goes down into the cave and he's got to get up the mountain and it's all the stuff and he's like, Bing Bong. And he can't and he dies. That's like, you don't say that.

Sorry. It helps our point here. I bought my wife a cuddly Bing Bong after that film and I kept hiding it and she'd say, where's Bing Bong? And I go, I don't know who you're talking about. Nice. Really upset her.

I've got a big cuddly Mamay, the panda from Turning Red at the moment. Absolutely love it. I tucked it up with my housemate on the sofa the other night while he was watching one of his prison break films or something. I don't know what they're called. Con Air, maybe.

One of those ones. It's either that or Russian dash cam videos. And I like to tuck him up with a cuddly toy while he watches it. Just to make it cute. Make him really sweet. He hates me. He calls it masculinity buckaroo.

You'll be sitting there. A blanket on him and then when he freaks out that's when I put on the last item of masculinity buckaroo. Is it fun living with you, do you think? Yeah, really fun. A lot of people have left me over the years but I do think that's just because they want to live alone

but it's not because of me. It's just the way the world is. I guess after you there's also a point of getting another housemate can't top living with Helen so I'll have to live by myself now. I do notice people live with me gray quite quickly.

I do think I think some men that I've lived with have lost height. Which I know sounds really bad but they just seem to get so broken. I don't know why just maybe from the bands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like Sunil Patel, my current housemate,

he's definitely two inches shorter and graying like no one's business. Yeah, I've noticed that. But I think it's just from Chitter Shatter. Yeah. Sunil's kind of like in Last Crusade when they drink from the wrong cup at the end

and then the guy rapidly turns into like a dead body. So that's what Libby used like. Turn that into a Disney reference for me. I don't know what you're talking about. Sorry, it's a bit universal. Disney reference. Let's play Marvel.

Is there a Disney film where someone drinks from a cup and signs into an old man? I don't think there necessarily is. The Bad Witchy. Sure, Bad Witchy drinks from the Poison Chalice. So living with you is like drinking from the Poison Chalice. Yes, of love. But he's got like techniques

of how to get rid of me because him and my old housemate's my best friend from school and he texts Emma all the time being like, oh, like what do I do with this? But basically turns out Emma wasn't very good. So he got like a lock for his door, a key and lock and then he keeps key on him. So he has a lock on his bedroom door.

Yeah, because I come in for Cuddy Club in the morning. It's important to have a morning cuddle, just physical contact. Yeah, yeah. And he does not like Cuddy Club. No, but sorry. So then the solution has had to be that he locks his, he has a lock on his door. Not when you accept that Cuddy Club

shouldn't happen to people who don't want to do it. Well, it's good for him in the long run, isn't it? It's good for him to have physical contact. It's good for people to have it. Well, I've heard of, I mean, I'm not sure if you want to tell this story on the podcast, Helen. I had a very funny story where the opposite happened to you in Edinburgh. What?

You were living with a comic in Edinburgh who slept walk and... Oh, gosh! That was, yeah, that was years ago. How'd you hear that? I heard it from Chloe Peck. That makes sense. I respect people's choices

when it comes to diet in general. But there are some comics out there who are fucking minging. And I say that having Phil Ellis on my couch last night, who, do you know Phil's diet? No. Don't go on his Instagram. It's just, like, all beige. He has tortilla wraps and margarine on them.

And then just like a roast pheasant. I'm not joking. He's diabolical. He can't have colour because it makes him feel ill. What? And I was living with one of his, like, northern comic mitts. And he was only drinking beer and then eating garlic bread

from a takeaway, like a pizza takeaway, every single night. And then one night, Slep walked into my room and I was, like, hitting bad, naked. Cos it's nice to feel, well, you know, it's windy in Edinburgh and it's got the wind beneath your wings. You have to justify it. And I'm lying there having a lovely time,

not doing anything. And he wanders in and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, holding the duvet up to me and he's just looking at me and I'm like, what are you doing? And he was like, nah, I'm just going to bed and got in my bed and I was like, this isn't your room. This isn't your room.

It's all like, no. He was like, nah, I'm just going to bed, shut up. And then lay down and then turned around and exploded. Is the only way I can say. The gas was like, have you ever? Right.

You know when you've had, like, a Tuscan bean soup and you wake up in the morning and you leave your room and you come back in and the whites of your eyes sting because of the product you've produced. He did that in a second. It was like a mushroom cloud. And then he turned and went, wrong room.

What? Wrong room, wrong room and scalded out and left me like, gasping for air. Like, clawing at the wall. It was, oh, God. And I'm like, pro-far in general. Like, I am fine with that.

I am the daughter of a man who works in sewage. Like, I am too far from daughter until I die. But it was mad. Mads. Loved that story. Yeah, that's, you know, if anyone's new to Helen Bauer, that's all you need to know.

How is that all you need to know? I'm a multi-faceted person. I'm an Aries. Yeah. And a poo-fum daughter till I die. And a poo-fum daughter till I die. That's all you need to know. But you might need my expertise on poo because when I was arriving in this building,

apparently there's a problem with your drains. What's happening? Do you want to talk about it? There's a lot of details that he refuses to talk. Oh, but Nito can't talk. It's only cos I'm drinking tap water and we're all having it. But now there's a problem with the drains. I'm worried because tap water is a tricky one. Because obviously, like, it's gone through people's systems

about eight times before it reaches your mouth in London at the moment. But it's filtered, though, isn't it? Yeah, but my dad's in charge of the filtering. Is he still in charge of the filtering? Well, not for London. Now he's left poo-fummin. I'm going to dig down to the water table in Fleet, my hometown.

You know, like, just dig a hole to see where the water starts. For work or just for a laugh? Well, for fun, that was his retirement. And then my mum went to a dinner party and one of the woman's husbands had already done it. And she was like, yeah, it's like, you know, two foot six. And he was like, oh, it's only got back and forth. That was his whole retirement plan was to dig down

to the water table. Then he found out someone else had already done it, so he went back to his job. Well, he was going to learn how to cook, and he was going to do the curry and it took him all day. But then he realised he didn't have to do rice to do it with mashed potato. My mum came home and was like, absolutely not.

And then weirdly, she did divorce him about a month after that, yeah. And then they got a different poo-fum job, yeah. Did he connect the dots? Also, a child of divorce, that's another side to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A child 25, pushing it a bit, isn't it? All of the facts you're bringing up about yourself

to describe yourself pale in comparison to the stuff you said immediately previously. Digging down to the water table and then making mashed potato with a tiger in curry. Yes. And then you sweep that under the rug and say, I'm a child of divorce. I'm a child of divorce, I've been through a lot, 25.

Terrible, ripped the family apart. None of us have time, but yeah. You ripped the family apart for the divorce. No, it's probably all of us, yeah. We're all a bit of a nightmare. I mean, we should get into talking about food, really. I've already had a mention. Yeah, that was food-y.

Very pro food. Pro food, love it, eat all the time, can't stop eating, think about it 24-7. Really learning in the last year that quality and quantity are different things, but it's hard to learn. What's the difference? Quantity makes you feel sick, makes you feel like you want to die.

Quality, feel good, feel special, want to take a picture. Okay. It's a difficult mental shift to make, I think. It's one that I've made a few years ago, but I was definitely in that quantity over quality thing for a while. You were a buffet boy. I was a buffet boy. When you were a buffet boy, you're pure quantity.

I used to work a hotel buffet, so I get it. Yeah, big time, 5am every morning. But then, if you're working it, can you really attack the buffet? Can you attack the buffet if you're working it? Come on, son! Yes! I would do the very clever thing of making sure

as many people in my area knew that I could order an omelette from the chef, and then I'd go and stand and watch the omelette get made, whilst absolutely chowing down like no one's business. So you'd be on the buffet watching the omelette chef work? Yeah. The omelette chef was in the back,

so I'd have to go back to the omelette chef. We didn't have an omelette chef on display. What's the omelette chef's name? Janina. Janina! I've been to hotel buffets where the omelette chef's on display. They're nice. On display, it was not on display.

It was like a business hotel, but a very good business hotel. I probably shouldn't say the chain in Germany. Yeah. In Scandinavia, Sweden. Lovely country. There's a breakfast buffet, and I didn't understand what any of the little cards said

for each thing. And I had a bowl of cream. Did you want to jog it, I'm assuming? Yeah, I thought it was yoghurt to put on my...I had some fruit. I just spooned all these massive things of yoghurt on it, and it was just pure, like, cream. You've got to write it out in English as well,

because we used to have to write what it was, and obviously wrote it out in German, but then always write it out in English, even though it's basically the same words, right? Yeah, and also, you can normally see what a food is, right? Apparently not. You think it's shit. It ended up with a bowl of cream. It was a little whipped cream.

Yes, but it looked like yoghurt. For that one, you do need it written out. I mean, at least it wasn't a bowl of mayonnaise, because that could have been a bit... It's tricky eating a bowl of mayonnaise. To be fair, my brain, because it was expecting yoghurt, took about three mouthfuls to realise it was cream. Yeah.

Just want to quickly circle back. You said it's tricky eating a bowl of mayonnaise. It is. You've got to focus like it's tough. I don't think I've had a bowl, but like a tub. Yeah, you've really got to. A tub of mayonnaise, more than a bowl. When you've got to clean your fridge, and you've got to eat the fridge out,

but if I was going to get through the mayonnaise, I wouldn't necessarily just eat. Oh, let's say we're on a time crunch, though. You've got to eat the mayo. What time crunch are you on? OK, so if I'm making something, and I've got to put mayonnaise in it, and I don't want to wash up the spoon,

so I lick the spoon and put it in something else. So I just have a big spoonful of mayonnaise, but if I want to do that five times, I'd struggle with it. Are you happy now? Is that what you want me to say? Unbelievable. But mayonnaise is like a staple of my diet. I wouldn't do it, but I think as a focus it requires. Would you eat Simon mayo?

Yeah. I'd eat anything at a push. So we'll start with stills sparkling water. Do you have a preference? Sparkling, please. Wow, I didn't think you'd say sparkling. Really? Yeah, so I thought you would see sparkling as stupid, and you'd have strong opinions about it and think this is stupid sparkling water.

No way I want this. You've made so many assumptions about this. When you assume, you make a cunt of yourself. No, I love sparkling water. It's a treat. Also, I did live in Germany for many years, and that is the standard there.

But obviously, in Germany, they're so into sparkling water, there's levels of sparkling, and I'd like the medium, because I don't want to go mad. Do you want this to be German sparkling water? Yeah, go on. German sparkling water. Let's go for the proper, like, Grollsteiner, like classic fucking,

like big glass bottle that I can put back in and get money back for. Also, you go and buy it from the shop, then drink it and then give the bottle back and you get the money back, right? Obviously, now I'm on Soda Streamy, but like... Are you? Yeah. James couldn't work his.

What can't he work yours? It's broken. A lot of them break very easily, I think, and it's yours broken. No. Mine's thriving of anything. Might be broken, though. You might want to check it when you get home. Could work out how to use it properly, and it would go all over him every time,

because you didn't screw it in properly. You've got to screw it fully in, obviously. I'm pretty sure it did. I thought it was broken. Look, me and the iron tell me you didn't put a glass under it and just think, oh, this will work just for one glass. I didn't do that. I didn't do that. No, I wouldn't do that. That would be stupid as fuck.

I've done it so many times. I didn't do that. But I also use mine, like, five times a day, because I'm like, I do it for, like, if I want to make a statement at home, and then be like, listen up, bitch. So you do it for, like, a... To punctuate things, as well, at conversations. Every time you hiss the sodas dream, he gets another inch shorter.

Yeah, yeah. He knows Cuddy Club's about to happen. Cuddy bub. So if you were going to get the... So what was it? Did you say Grohlsteiner? Yeah. Can you order it in German, please, so we can hear you get it in Germany?

Would you be laughing in the shop as you order it as well? Yeah, challenge, immer so, immer so, immer so. Great. Why would you need to hear that? Do you guys speak German? No. All right, you just need to, like, check. It's just, you know, it's a cool thing that you can do.

Dankeschön. You can speak German. And, you know, I think it's just fun to hear it. I think it's just fun to hear it. I think it's just fun to hear it. I think it's just fun to hear it. I think it's just fun to hear it. It is, is.

And you'd have the best sparkling water in the world. They're very focused on it, to the point where, like, tourists get very upset there all the time because they ask for water, and they get sparkling water. I did not know that, you know. Yeah, you've got to ask for tap water. People get very confused. Very confused, but big, fan of sparkling water,

which makes me feel bad because now I'm drinking tap water here. I don't like her! I don't like her! I don't like her! I knew it was coming! James waited until you were holding a glass of water, as well. I put it down. You were holding it to your lips, and I thought, I can get her.

That was psychotic. That was one of the best you've done. That felt great, because I was like, how am I going to do this? Because Bower is no stranger to volume. I'm not going to be able to get her here. Also, the instant reaction of Helen there to the reflex of saying, I don't like it.

I don't like it! I rarely interrupt the guest with it. I'll interrupt myself or you. I'll never interrupt the guest with it, but I thought, it's the only way I'm going to get her. Yeah, because I interrupt. Only way that I'm going to be able to catch you off guard with proper arms or bread.

I'm actually sweating. It's my phone at you when you were mid-sentence. This has been, that was traumatising. Bread, but traumatising. Honestly, my mum always says that I was in the trenches in her past life, and whenever something like that happens, I'm like, there's something to it, because my reaction is just like, oh my God, I'm going to die.

What do you mean your mum says you're in the trenches in her past life? When I was younger, we went to the Imperial War Museum, and I didn't want to go, you know, the trench experience. I didn't want to go in, I just started crying, and my mum was like, here, we bloody go. So that's why your mum thought it must be a past life that you're in the trenches.

As a child, you didn't want to go in the trench experience. Very frightened of it, yeah. She felt like I was having a flashback. You look so confused. Kids don't want to do stuff sometimes. It doesn't mean it had anything to do with their past life. I wanted to justify, because she'd basically gone through this whole thing that Titanic had come out,

and she didn't want to see it, because she thought she was on it in her past life and it had too many memories. She still can't listen to Celine Dion as a whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always nice to get an explanation that leads to more questions. But I panicked. I fully panicked when you screamed that at me, and then I'm like, clearly there's a past there.

Well, maybe, yeah, but I think it will be in the life that you have led this life. It's probably something that you've... Yeah, yeah, I don't think it is the past life that you were in the trenches. I think maybe the reason you cried at the War Museum is because your family are Germans. Also, I don't think in the trenches

that you got an option between Papa Dom's or Brett. Do you not? I think, you know, it was just a bit of hard bread or whatever. Well, yeah, maybe on the English side, and the German side was thriving. I was asked to a Papa Dom with a port. Port, bitter! But Brett is...

Brett, obviously, Brett, I have listened to this podcast, and it's a choice. It's so specific for me that feels like a side to a curry. Like, you don't start with just a big plain cresp. It's pure madness. But you would start a curry with a Papa Dom, right? You'd get those before the curry, right?

Yeah, obviously, but that feels like it comes... Like, I want it with the curry, so I could make, like, a taco of the curry. Interesting, so you wouldn't have the Papa Dom's finish the Papa Dom's and then the curry comes? No! Oh, it's great. You're starving, you're starving.

No one's slagging off the dips, but there's something about, like, Papa Dom arriving, and then you've got your curry, and then you're dipping the Papa Dom in to, like, finish it off, all, like, making the taco, and then you're, like, all messy, and it's, like, you're flirting with the guy, and you've got your big crisp taco,

and you're, like... So you're flirting with the waiter in this scenario? Yeah, by showing how good a sandwich I can make out of crisp. Yeah, well, and I'll quote you, eating a big Papa Dom taco, being a relatable way, like a rom-com, like, one of my, like, big, messy girls,

dribbling, taking my solace on myself, what am I like? Oh, put in a film! And this guy's, like, this guy's absolutely obsessed with this one. Losing his nuts, and losing his nut, yeah. He's in no way getting, you know, on the phone to get a lock fitted on the kitchen door.

It's pulling tables aside so he can get his boner through, like, you know, room for everyone! I don't know what Cuddy Club means. A particular type of bread? I like soft bread. I don't want to have to work for it. You know, when you have a sandwich and at the end of it,

you're jaws tired, and you're like, I didn't deserve that. You know, like, the bread they put around, like, German Donica Babs. The dude is called, like... Oh, no, it's a Turkish bread. It's probably got a Turkish name, but Fladenbrot. And it's, like, sesame on top,

and it's very killerly and gorgeous. It's like a really nice pita, basically. Yes! Yeah, like that. And it's, like, there's a bit of oil definitely involved, and it's, like, oh, my God, that. Just, like, super soft and, like, like, melty in your mouth.

Are you putting anything on the bread? Butter. But, like, I need the butter to already be melted, because I don't want to waste time. Like, if the butter can be a dip, like olive oil, that's easier for me. I guess, yeah! Or, sort of, like, a soft-serve machine.

And it just, like, fizzes out onto the bread. Like, like, hot butter, obviously. Sort of clarified butter, but from, like, a beer-draft pump. I'm going to level with you, Ed. I don't know what clarified means. It's like just melted, basically.

Just say melted, then. Come on. Who are we showing off to, James? Yeah. Oh, right, sorry. The words. I was impressed. I want a hot, melted bowl of clarified butter, and I want a dip. I don't want a spread. But you want it coming out of the draft pump, and it's placed out. I think so.

Yeah, actually, I do definitely want a draft pump, yeah. I think we've talked about this bread before, because we all went for a meal at Kudu in Peckham. Ooh! Yep. And they do a bread that comes in a skillet, and it's, like, brioche-type bread. So it's, like, fresh-baked. But then they bring another skillet

with just melted butter in it, with loads of bacon in it, as well. And it's, like, a shrimp one. And then you just sit there and dip this. It is heaven. It is exactly what you've described. Okay, amazing. I'm going there. It's phenomenal.

Because sometimes when you spread butter, you can end up with, like, the ratio being, like, too thick on one end. And you're talking, so you can't really focus on it the way that you want to. And for me, like, bread and butter is binging. So it's speed, right? You're getting it in.

And then you grab at it, and it becomes a whole thing, because, like, it's still not in this N.H. So it's acceptable to have your own breadbasket. Like, it's still frowned upon. Even if there's two of you, and you know you're going to ask for more bread, for some reason, God forbid, when you sit down, breadbasket age.

God forbid. And that would be quicker. It says everyone a trip. Everyone's happier. For the waiter, I guess. Not everyone a trip. Makes me happy, and that's what we're all aiming for. We're going for here, because it's your dream.

It's my dream meal. So you want to make sure you've got your breadbasket for you at your dream meal. Filled with those fluffy, pillowy pitas. Yeah. And you've got your clarified butter coming out of a draught pump. Yeah. And I want it to melt into the bread like butter does on a crumpet.

Yeah. Like, that level of sponge. Oh, it's made me sad now that no one's ever chose crumpets. Can we choose crumpets for Papa Dom's or bread? Oh, it's crumpet and bread for you. I would let people choose that. We can throw a couple of crumpets in the basket for you. Yeah.

Oh, my God. And then some marmite as well. Because, you know, like, when you have marmite and butter crumpet, yeah, yeah, yeah, that, yeah. How thick are you sped in on the marmite? Reasonable. Like, you're tasting it, but it's not the biggest presence in every bite. There'll be butter pockets, marmite pockets. Yeah.

I'll mix it in my mouth, because at the end of the day, as my mom always says, it all comes out like shit. You know what I mean? She's a white woman. She's got a lot going on, your mum. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot going on. You used to be in the trenches. It all comes out like shit. Thank you, Mama.

That sounds great. Just thinking about it, I feel happy, and I've calmed down from the shock. Are you, with this draft, are you putting the bread under it and then drafting straight onto it, or are you drafting into a little bowl and then dipping? I want both options, please, because I feel like, at first,

I'm going straight on the bread, and then I'm going to want to play around with, like, dipping, double-dipping, triple-dipping, letting soak and then lift up, because there's so many dipping techniques, and I'm pretty familiar with most of them. I don't know much, because, like, there's soaking levels,

and I'd like to play around with that, like biscuit and tea. Yeah. Yeah. And you're only human, so I'm assuming you will be trying putting your head directly under the draft and pouring some butter directly into your mouth. Well, yeah. Yeah, obviously. I'm only human. Let me be. If someone had a butter draft and they didn't do that,

I'd think they're a psychopath. Really? Yeah. I don't think I would do it. You would do it. You did it in the bloody ice cream shop you used to work at. Yeah, with ice cream. Yeah, sure. You were under the ice cream. That's a sweet butter. I did it with ice cream. We had the little pump for the soft serve.

I'd do that directly in the mouth. Should not go brain freeze. Yeah, yeah, but that's part of the fun. It feels like it's very medically risky. You were mad. I'd do it with the ice blasts. I'd mix the ice blasts with the soft drinks. But yeah, you have to give it a go,

because it's always like, you know, when you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and like Wonka's so shocked that Augusta Scleep is drinking out the Chocolate River, and it's like, as if no one's done that before. Like, as if the umpulimpas are doing that the moment your back is turned. It's like, oh no, we can't drink out of it,

and it's like, they're all bloody doing it. They're pissing into it, probably. Yeah, that's fair. Especially that one. Where the whole thing is, here's my magical Chocolate Factory with loads of everything is edible. It's all chocolate. How exciting.

I'm going to invite five kids in, and if they don't obey the rules, they get, it's like, what are you on about? You just invited them into the most exciting place ever. Yes. And now you're going to put rules that don't drink out of that Chocolate River that I've just left completely open to everyone.

I'm going to do a chocolate bar that I've just invented over there, Mike TV or whoever. Don't have a gobstopper. The rules are insane, but I also just morally have a problem with it. Because what the hell does Charlie Bucket, a boy that's had two chocolate bars

in his life tops, know about running a Chucky Factory? If a man knows chocolate, it's gloop, give it to him. He's researched it. He's dedicated his entire life to chocolate. At the beginning, they ask him, how do you feel? He just says, hungry.

Like, absolute respect. Yeah, but also gloops, you can't give gloop the chocolate factory. Why? Week tops that factory's last thing. He's drinking all of it, isn't he? How dare you? Look, it's like, when you,

you're faced with a buffet, you lose your mind. But the fifth, sixth day in the hotel, when you're going down there, it's all different. Every day, there's going to be a call going, gloop stuck in the tube again. He's going to get stuck in the tube every day.

Well, then you'll remove the tube, won't he? And you'll learn how to swim. You'll learn how to swim on Chucky River in a lovely time. Either way, Charlie Bucket's not running at well either. What's he going to do? I think Charlie Bucket would, give his personality type,

take it very seriously and want to please and do it. I think in the long run, he's working in the chocolate factory. People don't think about Bucket's mental health. And having all the pressure on him, because he would care so much about doing it right and not being selfish about it, that he would take it very, very seriously from a young age.

And for a while, he wouldn't notice that that's bad for him, because it would be such a step up from, you know, where he was living with everyone in one bed. Yeah, that's fucked up, man. But by the time he gets into his, like, you know, furries or whatever, he'll have time to reflect and go,

it actually hasn't been very good for me. And all this pressure. And actually, I wish I just had been, like, gloop and just drank out of that river and just been a kid. Well, gloop says yes to life in many ways. Like, throw yourself into it. Also, like, Wonka gives Charlie the factory just after he's broken the ceiling.

It's all fucking messy. Roald Dahl had a real problem with fat kids, didn't he? Did he? Yeah, they're all, like, greedy little fat kids. Yeah, it's like disgusting. Bruce Bogtrutter. Everyone cheers him on, though. Everyone cheers Bogtrutter on.

Bruce is loved. Have you heard of the company Get Baked? No. They're a bakery in Leeds, and they do a cake called the Bruce. No. Which is like a real-life version of the cake from Matilda. Made with the blood, sweat and tears of cookie.

They have to sell it in slices because it's so big. No. Have you had it? Yeah. How was it? The whole slice. Your eyes have lit up in a very specific way. It's on a sugar high from talking about it. Yeah, absolutely.

Leeds. They deliver as well. Deliver your slice of the Bruce. I want to see the whole thing. They wouldn't sell me the whole thing as they're like, legally, they can't do it. I think they'd have to get a truck to bring it in on a pallet. Yeah.

You'd better get onto your menu proper. Yeah. I'm focused. I'm focused. No one said your word. That's how it bowed. Your dream starter. I would like prawn pouring.

It's the best. It's the best starter. It's delicious. It's like the nicest curried prawns and like this fried, it's more bread, but I medically addicted to bread. Like fried, sort of like doughy, and oh my God, I can't handle it.

With like lemon that you put on the prawns. Yeah. There's an amazing one in South London called Apollo Banana Leaf. It's like a Sri Lankan restaurant. Yeah. And you know it's good because like they sort of have a menu, but they don't.

They just sort of go like, if you say anything, they're like, we don't have it, we don't have it. Yeah. But then they just sort of make up other dishes and at the end they just sort of like guess at a price. 20 pounds. So you know it's good. Right, because it's all about the food

and it's just magical. And the prawn puri is something they have on there all the time. That is that I have never been turned away with a prawn puri ever. Always get it. I do love a prawn puri. When I was growing up, when I was living at home with my mum, that was like when we'd order an Indian,

we'd always share everything, but then she'd get a prawn puri for herself and for some reason I never got a prawn puri. I'd always be like, that prawn puri is amazing. But it was like my mum's secret treat that she would have. So when I started ordering my own takeaways, always a prawn puri. And you know what, it was worth it.

It's also like the ultimate greedy person starter, because everyone else just gets like a simple, like they got samosas or something, and then obviously you can be like, someone gets a bag of onion bargeys, give me an onion bargey, don't be a dick about it. You get a prawn puri, that's coming in two separate items because you've got the prawn curry and the bread.

So if you order a prawn puri and a naan, everyone's chill with it, but if you order two naans, then you're two naans Helen. You know what I mean? So it's like, you've really thought about it, you're getting two parts in one. No one wants to be two naans Helen. I was and it was a tough time.

It's a tough time. We could tell that you were. When you're saying it, it's like that's not a myth. That was a universal observation. Two naans Helen, and she comes. But now I figured out the prawn puri trick. I love a prawn puri. One of the sweetest stories Ed's ever told that.

I don't want to gloss over it too much because like... I already told it because I knew you'd love it. The sweetest order in prawn puri is to be like his mum. Of course, we've talked about it on the podcast before. My pizza express order is my pizza express order because I copied it off my dad. So cute. And do you feel close to them when you do it?

No. But part of you must think of them. Prawn puri, definitely. Did you ever confront her and be like, why did I not get one? No, not really. I mean, obviously I'd already... I think she was probably already getting fed up with me being like, and I want this, and this, and this, and this.

She was like, well, all right, you can have that, but you're not having any of my prawn puri. We've ordered half the restaurant already. She's got something for herself. She's got her boy. I thought she needs a sweet little boy. That was very much the gloop of the Indian takeaway. Yeah, yeah.

He wouldn't have inhabited that takeaway if they were looking for five kids around the kitchens. Yeah, I'd be stuck in the korma tube. Oh! His face pressed against the... Your mum just screaming. He can't swim. I've got to stand in some room for later.

He's coming to the baccora room quick ram. How quickly the exact quotes from Charlie the Chump actually just tripped off your tongue. They were exactly... I haven't thought about... That version of it, the Gene Wilder version, is one of the films I watched the most as a kid, but I couldn't directly quote it like that.

You were straight in there with not only is that word perfect, I'm pretty sure that's exactly how she sounds. Augustus Nalix says something funny. It's the hard delivery. Very passionate about it. Even though I fundamentally don't like it, because I still believe it's gloops.

What do we know about Slugworth? Such a good character. Like, the way that he just arrives with all the children. I don't think I read the book. He's not in the book Slugworth. Is he not? Really? Yeah, they added him for the film,

so Roldal hated Slugworth when he saw the film. He was like, they ruined it with his Slugworth prick. That bit in the tunnel, that's so scary. So good, the boat ride. Have you been to the Shrek adventure? No. It's like a magic bus ride that really makes me think about it.

It's really similar. You're on this bus and you're going through these different worlds. With Shrek? No, Shrek's not with you. You have to part of the adventure as you're going to get Shrek from prison. He's in prison.

Why are you looking at each other like that? I'm not looking at Ed. I put my hand in front of Ed, so I can't see his face. If there's anything you would like to hear Shrek say, then ask James and he'll magically transform into Shrek. Obviously Augusta Starling saved some room for later,

but as Shrek. OK, lines in my head. I've got to get into it. I'll ramp up to it with some other words, with some stock Shrek phrases. Some stock Shrek phrases. That's hard to say. Oh, my name is Shrek.

Oh, don't get Augusta Starling. You'll say some room for later. What was that? He looks so disappointed. That was disappointing. Devastated. Who told you that was good? Ed says it's good.

It's really good. Yeah, that's why we make him do it on every episode. I have never heard that before and I have listened to this podcast. Maybe yes, I did do that. I'll say this, babe, it's not good. It's actually woefully bad. No, it's just warming up.

He did it, he said it. I said it, I told Augusta's group, I told him, you'll say some room for later. He sounds like a Texan man. My name is Shrek. Don't get, don't get. Have you been to the Shrek adventure? He is the Shrek adventure.

You are the Shrek adventure. Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination. My name is Shrek. You're a marble. You can come with imagination. That's more like donkey. No?

Donkey, you and me will like chocolate and a factory egg. That's a good lyric. I am green. I am Shrek. I'm a big, friendly ogre. It's lovely. That's really, that got better

because I liked the song a lot. I'm a sucker for a song. That was upsetting. Dream main course. You know how tricky this question is, right? That's almost impossible, but I've decided to be true to myself and it's my go-to,

Domino's. Domino's. Domino's. This is the first. Medically. Can't be without it. I find it hard to not be close to a Domino's at any point.

We never had it growing up. It was like this forbidden fruit and this girl I went to school with, her dad managed three Domino's. Even over the period where you got a free dime bar with your Domino's and her house was just dime bars. It was incredible.

I felt like I was so close to it, I don't have much house. I love it. Everything about it is just flawless. The garlic and herb dip. I'm a stuffed crust baby till I do it. I want the double mozzarella cheese. I'm getting emotional.

It is so comforting. But to the point I got so addicted to it, because I only have on a Tuesday, obviously for Tee for Tuesday, I'm not that thick. But then I had notes on my phone. I'd written myself about how I feel after a Domino's, so I wouldn't do it again. But my writing is dog shit.

And I say that as someone who wants to write. Do you have the notes? I actually deleted them because I thought it was probably bad. I had so many. So there's so many different Hellens in this situation, because there's before Domino's, can't wait for the Domino's.

There's Helen eating the Domino's, which is like a bridging personality. It's a hungry, happy Helen. Then there's post Domino's, feels awful, writes the notes. So I was like, I was like, I was literally like in a real stay. And like I was in, I've like had

the worst gastro year. I was in like hospital three weeks ago, because I was having this egg out my bra every day and it had been heated up between my tits for 50 minutes. I'd eat this hard boiled egg and turns out, don't do that. So like, like I was...

No, that's okay. Do you know what? No, no, no, listen. The weirdest sentence anyone has ever said. No, it's not. In fact, you are trying to gloss over this a move on. Helen, what I'm assuming... There was no context that you gave whatsoever there.

You didn't give any... I'm assuming that you would do... It was a show. Yeah, yeah. And during the show, you had an egg in your bra and you would get the egg out of the show and eat it. Correct. Okay, so that's the context. So I was shouting at you.

From our perspective, you just said every day I had this egg out my bra and it was in there for 50 minutes and then I would eat the egg. Yes. That's not me. Would you put a raw egg in your bra? No.

And then it would cook. I did try parboiled but a nightmare. Because movement-wise, like your yolk constantly erases, so it would go in hard-boiled. So I ate an egg. I bit into the egg at the end of the show but I was eating it because I couldn't find a bin

that was convenient. So I was just like eating the whole egg but it had been heated between my breasts and sweating on stage. The whole show. And then I'd eat it and it was like some days the egg I'd left backstage at the venue in like a two-pack

from the day before. Then one day I couldn't find an egg so I was like peeling a Scotch egg so it was like a meaty egg in between my bra and I'd done that every day for like 26 days and everyone was like, oh, don't eat an egg out your bra and everyone was like, you're refrigerating it

and you're just like, oh, yeah, I'm refrigerating it just to like, because it's not worth the fight. Just to get off your back, right? People always like, oh, you need to refrigerate it but it's like, well, you don't know that because no one's eating an egg out their bra every day after being in there for 50 minutes. It's still safer though, isn't it?

It was guesswork, isn't it? It's just a hypothetical idea. It's not true and I'm not going to be like I can't tell what to do about it. Kaffir and Bohar. I was like, what does she know about eggs and refrigeration? So I was eating it and I was feeling a bit queasy

and then went to do some gigs in Norway and you messaged saying, get this chocolate D3. Smash. Good, love mash. Oh, what else? And then my tummy really hurt

and then I couldn't drink anything and I ended up in hospital having to get rehydrated and they were like, what have you done? And I was like, nothing. I've just had chocky covered crisps and a banana because I was feeling a bit sick.

Did you tell them about the egg in the bra? I did tell them about the egg but they thought, I think they thought I was delirious because it's like second language stuff, right? I'd imagine you gave them no context whatsoever. I've been eating an egg out my bra everyday. Sometimes I peel a Scotch egg and eat it. I have that between my tits.

Otherwise you have to be like, oh, I'm a comedian. I did this thing called the Edinburgh Fringe. And then you go into that which eventually did tell them and then you can hear them all at the nurse's station like watching my live at the Apollo as I was like writhing in pain in a corridor because I couldn't get into a room because there was no space.

But I had a lovely time on the gastro reward in Oslo. Shout out to the gals on it, yeah. Made a lot of friends. Well, just smiling, we couldn't talk, but it was nice. I hesitate to ask this, but what situation were you in where you couldn't find an egg but there was a Scotch egg down? That happened a couple of times. Basically, I couldn't always remember

to boil an egg at home in Edinburgh. And then if I did, I'd have to walk across town with a boiled egg in my bra, which I think we're adding an extra hour. Hang on, you would boil them at home and put them in your bra immediately. I would. You wouldn't take them to the venue

and do it just before you went on stage. Yeah, but then you got to travel with an egg, which is quite tricky and the safest place I figured to boil an egg is between your breasts. So it wasn't just 50 minutes that the egg was in there. Oh, sometimes, yeah. Sometimes it would be a couple of hours and a long walk to the venue.

You're looking at me like this isn't good, but like it's very nestled. Where does a hen keep an egg? In her tits. Probably. I'm pretty sure that's not. Where does a hen's tits start and when does it get round to the tummy?

It's tit until the arsehole as far as I'm considered with a hen. It might be tit until the arsehole, but I'm pretty sure that if a hen was able to operate a Tupperware tub. But I didn't have a Tupperware tub in Edinburgh. I'm not going to buy one for 25 days of egg transport, am I? That would be a really good deal

because they're pretty cheap Tupperware tubs. Didn't do it. Didn't do it. Didn't do it. So I think about chickens with tits now. You know, Cucky in Robin Hood, she's got big breasts, doesn't she? I can't remember.

She plays badminton when made Marion. She's got big, big, big knockers and the shout out guys in between them. But then I would, some days I wouldn't have boiled the egg at home. So I'd be like, oh, go into like, you know, like Sainsbury's and Tesco will do those little like protein pots with like two eggs in it

or three eggs boiled. They are grim actually. I didn't have some from Pret yesterday. Yes, you get the egg and then you put it in, but then I would leave the like pot of three eggs for the next two eggs at the venue. Oh my God, Helen. You know, the bunker bars in Edinburgh.

Yeah, really warm. A lot of mould on the ceilings and stuff, I think. Oh, really? I never looked up. It's very small and damp, isn't it? And then I put it in my brother next day and then eat that one. And then some days they wouldn't have the protein pots because there's like, you know, Edinburgh, lots of

active kids, they want their protein and I respect it. So then I'd be peeling a Scotch egg from Lidl. Yeah. Real low point actually when your audience are queuing up and you're there peeling a Scotch egg. The meat is you're peeling it? I sort of put the meat in the bin. There's something about eating just the meat

around a Scotch egg, which just feels wrong. This is where your standards come in. Well, I don't want to get sick, do I? Shove the meat up your arse in case you've got an uncle. Just me squatting a little bit. Turn to the audience. Where do my chits end? Oh, man! It's definitely going to be a routine in the future.

Where do my chits end? We've got an hour of material on Monday, so that'll be really useful actually. Can we even get your dream main course? Dominoes! Oh, hold on. We need more specifics than that, right? It's just dominoes.

I mean, would you keep it as just... That's your dream main course, is just dominoes. We do need some specifics. We need to do specifics. Right, large stuff crust, but the problem with dominoes is when you have a large and a stuffed crust, you lose a bit of the size of the pizza

because they're wrapping the crust around. I still want the full length of slice. And then the stuffed crust. I want pineapple on it. Like the proper canned, dull pineapple. I want a freshly cut. Not going fobbed off. I want olives on it. I want jalapenos.

And then I want not dominoes ham. I want proper nice parma ham that you'd have at a fancy pizza restaurant on that. So you're customising the dominoes a bit there. Well, you have to. You simply must. Do you do that at home? Do you get a dominoes and then pimp it out? No, but I think it'll be better.

I just haven't done it personally. No, you don't have to have done it. And then I want the four tubs in one garlic and herb there, but I'm not going to like... I'm not going to select it when I'm selecting my food because I do that thing where you go check out now and it goes, are you sure? And you go, yes.

And then it goes, happens if we give it to you for 80p and you're like, I'll do it now. Because otherwise, you're paying $199. Do they do that every time? Yep. Yep. They are idiots. Like, the amount of things you can get on discount later on. But if I'm doing a two for Tuesday, I'll get that and I'll pretend

I'm getting something from my housemate. So I'll pretend I'm getting him like, a nice, mighty meaty or something. But then I'll eat it as well. OK. Yeah. Why do you pretend? Because I would say, in a very positive way, you have a personality that is like,

I don't give a shit what you think. But you feel sicky and I can't stop. Like, I need to be physically removed from it. Like, and it's diminishing returns, Domino's. Like, the first four slices are amazing and then after that, you're punishing yourself, like, physically. Yes. Because the dough... I just mean why are you pretending.

Because then I can trust myself and enjoy the first four slices more. Because you're not looking at all of it. I'm not looking at all of it. You make yourself think I'm only going to eat these. Yeah, I believe that. I genuinely believe that some of it is for lunch the next day.

But it's not. It's never for lunch the next day. It's all a lie. Like, I once put some Domino's in a bin, because I was like, all right, I need to stop this. Got it back out. Because it's just binge juice. It's not the end of the world. But I physically can't be around it without finishing it.

And you both look up to that. Just to be clear, it was my bin. It's my juice. It's my binge juice. I'm not, like, putting it in someone else's bin. No, that's not the problem anyone's got. No one has that problem. No one's thinking, oh, no, is that someone else's binge juice. We know it's your binge juice.

Well, you look like you thought it was someone else's binge juice. No, no, no. This is the face I make when it's any binge juice, including your own, that you're eating on a pizza. But what is binge juice, apart from just, like, a little bit of soap? It's a lot of different, like, looms that are rotted at the bottom of your bin together.

But I'm emptying my bin on the regs. Like, it's not rotting. Like, I don't have, like, I'm not having a maggot party 24-7, am I? I just think it's all chilling out. You have just been in hospital in Oslo with gastric intestinal issues. Yeah. I've never known anyone to learn less from a situation.

But that was from the egg, we think. So I'm not, I haven't put an egg in my... Well, I did actually do it for another seven days. When you went back, you still did the egg bit. Yeah, but that then I was boiling it at home and transferring it in a lovely glass tupperware surrounded by kitchen roll to the Soho Theatre.

OK. Yeah. Thank you, because we learned from our mistakes. So you ate the pizza out of the bin. I hate dominos. Why would you say it like that? That just came out of nowhere. Do you know what I feel like now? I feel like whenever, and this is in past relationships,

not with my current girlfriend, we've been out in town and we've gone past some really tough guys and one of them said something and then my girlfriend at the time has gone, yeah, you can go fuck yourself. Now I'm getting beaten up. And I feel like that with what Ed just did.

I feel like having a panic attack, calm down. This isn't between us. This isn't between me and Ed. We were out the woods and then you went, I hate dominos and now we're in trouble. What the fuck were you talking about? It's nearly as bad as Papa John's. That was absolutely mental.

Papa John's don't even have the same original tomato sauce at the base. It's just bad. It's bad fast food. It's not bad fast food and it's not that fast. You can be up to 35 minutes on a Friday night. And then you put pineapple on it as well. Pineapple's lovely. I like pineapple on a pizza.

To me, that's just pissing on a shit. But this is just clearly you don't know food. You don't know food. I have a lot of respect for someone putting pineapple and pizza on their dream menu but I don't think anyone's done it yet. I always think it's nice. I'm glad it's happened.

Papa John's definitely the bottom run. I would put dominos above it. There you go. Just. I'm struggling to think what I would put. Pizza Hut's minging. No, Pizza Hut. It's minging. And also, I don't trust Pizza Hut

because they have an option on their website to remove garlic from the crust. Who's picking that as an option? I don't trust them. Well, you've definitely got it. Do I? I'd pick the Norway if you got it. Self-inflected via eggs.

Telling yourself that it all comes out like shit. Constantly, there's some who shirk yourself. That was the problem. I wasn't shitting James. You weren't shitting. There was nothing going in. Nothing going in. Just like when you want a chocolate factory.

No one goes in, no one comes out. Loops stuck in your tube. I had a fucking loop. Stuck in my tube. Like the plug loop. You know the loop that gets the rest of the loop out. Yeah. This is disgusting.

But no, I'll tell you what. It's a free podcast. People gaps that. I'll tell you after that. So you would put Pizza Hut below dominos. Yeah. Ed. I'd say, yeah, Papa John's bottom at the big name ones, then dominos. Then maybe I'll go Pizza Hut above that.

Unless I'm missing anything. I'm not counting that as one of the big names. Why aren't you counting Pizza Go Go? I didn't even know they existed anymore. That's mad. Pizza Go Go, Pizza Hut, Papa John's dominos, but like there's the stretch

between Papa John's and dominos. Yeah, Pizza Hut's minging. I don't trust it. It's really bad. Yeah, but Papa John's is like gross. I just... That dip at Papa John's melted margarine or something is horrible. That is the special garlic sauce.

Look at what you're talking to. It is. No, I'm actually with you. That is minging. It's minging. Because you go into it thinking, oh, this will be like the garlic and herb dip. They trick you. But it's nothing like that. It's madness.

Tell you what I like doing, putting a bit of sriracha in the garlic and herb dip from dominos. Little spicy twist on a classic. Little bit of a treat. She's international. I just think I'm not a fan of like very sweet American pizza. Do you know what I mean? It's not sweet. The dough is so sweet.

There's so much sugar in that dough, Helen. I don't think so. There's so much sugar in that dough. Oh, is there actually a lot of sugar in it? Yeah. That'll be why I go mad after it dies. My housemate doesn't like it when I have dominos. You just hit that lock on the door. I think that's very little he does like.

This guy about his life. This big rampage just running up and down. I'm scooting around on my bum like a dog. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. Like, really. How did you even have the nerve to say there wasn't a sugar in it earlier? Well, it's the same reaction I have

when I have prawn cocktail crisps. Like, just mad. I don't know what to say. I went, yeah. What? Like, just so overexcited. Like, I want to touch everything. Like, I don't know what to do myself. Why do you both look shorter?

So what's your dream side? Fatouche. Oh, nice. Love Fatouche. You need, like, a salady thing to go with it. Yeah. To cut through it, don't you? Yeah, yeah. And I was like, either tie cucumber salad, because that is magical. I had one recently with, like, a real big chunky bit of salt in it, and it just put me off.

But Fatouche is so fresh. I love it. Just to quick check, Fatouche is the one that's got bread in it, right? Yeah. I'm keeping a bread tally. But it's not because of the bits of fried bread that is chopped up in it. Fatouche is delicious.

Yeah, delicious. But I'm keeping a bread tally. There's not been a single course without bread yet. Well, sparkling water doesn't have bread in it. Oh, congratulations. Or is that full of sugar and bread as well? I love Fatouche salad. Yeah. It's so delicious.

Herbie fresh. You get the crunch from the bread. Bit of pomegranate seed on there, a little bit of a treat. Yeah. This is a bit of a sticking point at this podcast, the pomegranate seed. Oh, you hate pomegranate seeds? They're like, well, Ed refers to them as baby's teeth. They taste like you're crunching a bit of baby's teeth in your mouth.

It's a little bit of tangy fun. Bit of tangy fun. It is tangy fun. It's not enough flavour in there for me. No, it's that with like, and you put lemon on top of it and like the parsley and the mint, like so good. I used to live in like, it's like literally Istanbul, like area of Berlin,

but there's so many Lebanese restaurants with like the best Fatouche, and they just pile it up in this like takeaway container and I would just lose my mind. The Lebanese and Turkish food in Berlin is like insanely good, isn't it? It's next level. The amount of Syrian restaurants as well.

And I was in like an area called Kreuzberg and like Neukön, where like all of that food is, isn't it? Oh my God. I was having a kebab a night for a while. Losing my mind. My sister lived in Kreuzberg for a bit. No way! Whenever I go and visit, it's just...

Ah, kebabs all day. So good. What's your favourite kebab there? What's your go-to order? I think it's like a chicken, just like a chicken shawarma and then stick a bit of halloumi in there as well. Stop it. Yeah, the ones with the deep fried halloumi. And do you get all the different sauces? Oh yeah.

Like squeeze a lemon, wrap it up. Pickle chilli in there and all that. Love it. Love it. I can't handle it. I get the durim dunaraps. The ones that are like in their massive like tortilla. Or in the... What's it called? The Lachaman, the Turkish pizza? Yeah, Lachaman.

That's so good. It's the way it melts in your mouth. It's insane. Imagine if you picked that. No, but it's not a dominoes. I thought about that. It's not a dominoes. No, it's not. No, it's absolutely not. Let's have a chat. When you talked about dominoes,

there was a lot of words you talked about regret. When you talked about the kebab just then, the listeners didn't say they heard it, but at one point I think you genuinely pretended that someone was shagging you. Well, it wasn't someone. I was fucking the chair actually. I know what you meant.

It just seemed like you were more excited about the... Yeah, but do you want me to explain what happened? Because I was thinking about this menu last night and I can't think about dominoes and not order dominoes, so I'm currently on a dominoes downfall. Did you order dominoes last night? Yeah, I had it last night and for breakfast.

Why have you got your phone out? Do you want to get that Pokemon? Oh, my God. Are you serious? Can we do it now? Yeah, 110%. We got so far through the podcast without talking about Pokemon Go. Helen, that's the last American one that I got. I'm so excited.

Do you want anything special from me? I don't have anything good to give you. I'm fine. So, opening a gift from Bower. She sent me an Ultra Ball. You're welcome. Two Pineapple Berries and a Max Potion. You're welcome. Much appreciated.

Did it not send you any Star Dust? Victini's your buddy at the minute. I'm trying to get everyone to be like my best buddy with CP Boost. I'm on to like 70 at the moment, but I do want to get to the 400 because then you get the extra tokens. Bower is more driven by CP

between you and me. You put me and James in a fight. There you go. I will be winning. Oh, my God. It's happening. The balls are trading now. God bless you. God bless you. I've got a new Pokemon, guys. Are we happy for me? New in the decks.

Registered to Pokedex. You know that whenever I'm abroad, I'm going to be catching regionals for you, so don't you worry about not traveling because I'm catching those regionals. But I'm going to Disney World so I can get more. But don't you believe the New Year might bring us new Pokemon from the Aloha region?

I live with hope. I live with loads of hope for the Aloha region. I'm not even close to doing it. I'm not even close and I'm not going to South America. I'm going Florida. Well, it's only getting started with the Aloha and I think that's no secret. But there's always something magical on that.

Do you remember when we found out the Clefkey you could get in Brighton because it was a fault that made it think you were in France? Yeah, very good day. That could happen at any point with anywhere in the country. Let's start vaping. Either join in. Hang on. Let's give Bonito an edit point. There you go. Right. Side dish.

Fatouche. Let's talk more about the Fatouche. I will find the name of the restaurant. My best friend in Berlin is from Lebanon and there is an amazing place that does Fatouche. Fantastic. Don't use that edit point, Bonito. Sorry. I feel like I've become a virgin

by proxy after that conversation. That was absolutely insane. We both had sex. I fucked up with the sex signs. Not with each other. No, not with each other. Pokemon trainers. That's what Pokemon trading is. But I'm a very good trainer.

I'm a legacy player. I don't know what any of this means. But I do play Pokemon Go with James and the crew, but I've also got over 200 friends on it. They're not friends, Helen. I'm getting up at three most mornings to raid with some teenagers in Hiroshima.

I'm not friends if I'm setting my alarm for 3 a.m. That's creepy as hell. You're getting up at three to groom some teenagers in Japan. We're not grooming them. We're raiding. We're battling to the death. Friends are whoever I choose them to be. Who you choose. That's a real insight into your life, Helen.

They're who you choose them to be. So we're best friends, the three of us. Yes. A dream drink. I do want to go with something alcoholic, but because of the dominoes, I'm going to go Diet Coke. It's a classic. Fair enough.

And when you drink it, you lose weight. No booze, not booze for the dream drink. I do. I love booze. And my instinct is to go for a bottle of wine and a couple of fags with it. That would be my ideal sort of drink. Oh, stop it. Finishing a meal and then having a bottle of wine

and four fags and a good conversation. It plays. We're going through the grease somehow. Yeah. With a nice clean Diet Coke. Well, fizzy drinks cut through drinks. I know exactly what you mean. They really do.

I can't put a milkshake on top of that. Burps help clear room. When I was at university, me and my friend, there's a takeaway down the road from us that did an 18-inch pizza. And one night we both got an 18-inch pizza. And then we went through about four cans of Diet Coke, just to clear.

Pepperoni on my 18-inch. Okay. Guess what? He only had one topping. Obviously he had cheese and tomato. He only had one topping on his pizza. Guess what it was? Pineapple. No. Ham. No. Olives. No. Sausage. No, you're never going to guess that.

18-inch pizza, baked beans. Come on. That's mad. Was he at your wedding? Did I meet him? No, no, no. We were best friends at university. And when we graduated, he said, I'm not very good at keeping in touch. No. And he knew at that age.

He knew at that age. You know, I'm not going to be able to keep this going. That feels like a 50-year-old sound. Like, not a child. Yeah, he had 50-year-old energy. Let's do the ranking, as we always do, when people say Diet Coke. Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi Max.

Oh, my God. Diet Coke at the top from the fountain, obviously. Okay. And then bottle last. I'd say then... Fountain first. I think I might... Well, it depends where the fountain is from,

but a good fountain, I would take over a can or a bottle. Always assume good fountain. Never assume bad fountain. We wouldn't assume bad fountain. But if someone said to me, there's a fountain there, a can and a bottle, and that's all I knew, I would go can, because I wouldn't trust that the fountain

is definitely going to be good. It's a good fountain. I'd go for good fountain. I'd go can still. Unless it was a freestyle machine, but then I'm not having Diet Coke, I'm mixing it all up. Those machines are mental. They're brilliant, aren't they?

It's too much. The problem was society today. Too many options. I can't be faced with that, because then I'll just start losing it. And that's how you end up picking dominoes as your main course. It's overwhelmed by the options of the world. I need to be restricted. But then probably Diet Pepsi,

then Coke Zero. I don't like the full fat fizzy drinks. Well, Pepsi Max isn't full fat. It feels like it in my head. I just didn't grow up with fizzy drinks at all. We never had it. We had skimmed milk in our house. Everything was watered.

The idea of it makes me feel just so unhealthy. Maybe the word Max makes you think. Rather have the facts and the wine. I just don't think I want that many bubbles. I think we could let you have a Diet Coke and then some booze as well, right? Can I?

A bottle of wine? But a bottle of wine at the end of the meal, you said, with some fags. I think I do want to be a bit drunk the entire meal. Give me a bottle before the win. I'll have a bottle of wine to start with. And then I'll eat, because I'll be loose enough that everything feels like this.

Any particular wine? Spanish red, like a Riocca. One of those, really lovely. God of Virginia. Rollies, you're doing rollies. Yeah, I'm doing rollies. I want someone to roll for them for me next to me. Who do you want to roll?

My friend, Francis. Yeah, Francis rolls really well. We'll get Francis in to roll your six. Thank you, Francis. A little update on my Diet Coke situation. Oh, I know this story. Well, it's a good story. But also, just like, you know,

for a while it was just Diet Cokes. And then I switched to the Diet Pepsi's, and that was a big thing on the pod. And then I also switched then to Coke Zero. Nowadays, I can change from one hour to the next, which one's my favorite. And a lot of the time, if I've just had a Diet Coke,

for example, the next time, I'll actually want, like, something different, like a Diet Pepsi. And then the next time after that, I'll probably want to Coke Zero. So I like to change it up quite a lot now. Pepsi Max as well gets a look in fairly on regular rotation. You thought about this too much. All four of them.

I'm just noticing my drinking habits. You've got to keep a tab on these things. I'm Pepsi Max with Jerry until I die. Yeah, I like Pepsi Max with Jerry. You didn't blink when you said that. No, I love it. Dessert! Dessert!

Here we are. James knows he doesn't have to worry about cheeseboards in this situation, I think. Oh, you don't have to worry. Yeah, I don't actually get cheeseboards full stop. Leave it. Who are we showing off to? Who are we showing off to? Mouldy, goats of cheese is rank.

Leave the goats alone, and I'll stand by that to the day I die. So you think Stilton Mouldy horrible? Don't get it. But you eat pizza out of a bin? That's my juice, not my mould. It's different. If I grew the mould, I'd eat it.

I won't be a bitch about it, am I? If it's my mould, I'd eat my mould. I created it. What's tipped mould? What's tipped mould when it's at home? You should know. You got it. The worst thing is my first instinct is I should really look under my tits at some point.

I've got massive knockers. I don't know what's going on under there. Who's checking? You should be watching that stuff. Watching underneath them. He's got the energy to lift. I've got free performances in the shower. You must be watching under that.

I do the 3F. Face, fanny and feet. There must be other letters in between that you need to deal with. In that order? No. You don't go to the feet after the fanny? Is that wrong? Yeah, face, feet, fanny seems like the right way around.

I don't want vaginal feet. You don't want vaginal feet, but you don't mind having a footy vag. I would say face, fanny, feet is the way of how you should do it. Those are the spots you have to hit. In fanny, I am including asshole. I'm not like...

You're going to UK and US fanny. What's a US fanny? Oh, really? Of the fanny pack? I thought it was over that fanny. Because you wear it at the front. When they say fanny... We call it a bum bag, right?

It's the same as a bum bag. Fanny is the bum bag. They don't call it a fanny pack because they're using it to cover their fanny. I thought it was like, they're on the period, turn it to the front. It's like no one can see. It was like a period stain,

and that's how it came about. Everyone was like, this is a great idea for a bag. Helen, anyone else I would think was joking about this? No. I know what you mean, but how do you think that's the truth? You never know, do you? You never know the origin of things.

What about when you see a man wearing a bum bag? That he just copied it off a woman because he thought it looked nice. And then it just sort of became something that we all do. Heidi Regan's calling. I bet she'd back me up. I'm not going to watch her, but just so you know. Answer it. Ask her. Ask her that question immediately.

Hi, Dee. I'm on a podcast. Do you want to say hi to Ed and James? Yes. Hello. Hi, Heidi. Hi. Do you mean you're on off-menu? Yeah, but we're in a fight. Are you surprised to hear that, Heidi?

We're having a fight. Are you surprised that I'm in a fight? No, not in any way possible. I'm not surprised that you answered your phone. I asked. Ask the question, Helen. No, I want to ask you something about fanny packs. Oh, yeah.

OK. How do you think the fanny pack came into existence? Do you think, A, it's because Americans call bums fannies, or do you think B, it's because someone bled through their outfit when they were on their period

and they were like, oh my god, put this pack over it. We'll call it a fanny pack. We'll make it a fashion statement so they wouldn't feel embarrassed. Bonus question, Heidi. Guess who came up with each fear? It's not funny. What, babe? I think I would have called that a period pack then.

Yeah. OK, I'm going to hang up. I'll call you later. Bye. Hang up. You're completely used to it, you. Of course, you picked up a phone during a podcast. Of course, you're having a full argument. Well, it's nice to have a chat, isn't it? It's nice to have a chat.

I'm finding rude to the two of you. Did you say your dessert? No! So, can I please have... I want a warm muffin. How are you warming it up? Microwavey. Oh, no, fresh from the oven. Don't give away the end of your next show.

What type of muffin? Chucky Chippy Muffin. And I want that warm. And then I want ice cream in it. But I want proper nice gelato from somewhere in Croatia I went called Split. And it's opposite a shop called Ruth's.

I actually screenshotted the name of this place because it is so delicious. And you know when you're like, oh, I found the most delicious ice cream in the world. And me and my friend Francis went there like three times. And then Stanley Tucci went there in his traveling Italy show. It's called Sladole Danica Miliana.

Amazing. And it is insane. And I want the pistachio ice cream and hazelnut ice cream. And I want that on top of the muffin. And I want to leave it for a bit and have it melted in. And then I want to crush up Maltesers bunny on top. So cute.

This is your invention. Yes, but it's based off what was a BB Muffin staple. Remember BB Muffins, that chain? Yeah, I do remember BB Muffins. Yeah. But then you could have a muffin Sunday and they'd use a takeaway cup for a milkshake.

They'd smash a muffin into it, put ice cream in it, and then put the muffin top in it and it'd all melt down. You'd have a spoon. And it was just the best thing of all time. That does sound nice. It was the best thing you could get in my hometown. That was the treat. Fleet.

Yeah. It's not the first time we've spoken about Fleet Services on the podcast. We've talked about Fleet Services with Andy Oliver about the bridge in between the... Scott Mills Bridge. It's called Scott Mills Bridge.

Officially, it's called Scott Mills Bridge. It's amazing, isn't it? We'll talk about your Malteser bunny before we go. You've not chosen Maltesers. You've not chosen the little teasers. You've chosen quite specifically a Malteser bunny. It's the right ratio of chocolate and balls of malt.

It's significantly... The Malteser is great, but the chocolate is lacking in the average Malteser. It's so right. It's just off. Whereas the ratio of that, it's a whole different... Yeah. It's a whole different thing. More chocky-less teas. Thank you. More chocky-less teas. I'm speaking like Helen now.

She's absolutely done me. She's ground me down. It's so cute. She's ground me down. You're a little crayon boy. I want a chocky-muffy ice-creamy-delighty. Chocky-muffy ice-creamy-delighty. Ice-creamy-delighty. Yes, please. Well, is that what it's called? Now, chocky-muffy.

It's like an eggy-titty, but for dessert. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I want a sparkler on the top of it. I just suddenly thought... Sorry, can I have... Can it be a treat? It's a dream restaurant, isn't it? Can I have a sparkler on the top of it?

And maybe a song from the waitstaff, please. What song do you want? Candle in the Wind, 1997 version. Waiter, please. Goodbye English Rose. We are here now and I'm buying the chocolate factory. I miss you.

Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe. You will be forever in my heart. And I miss the Queen. Touching. Thank you so much. So touching. Regent Menu, back to you now. See how you feel about it? Thank you.

You would like medium sparkling Goldsteiner. Yeah. From Germany. And you would like flared and brot with melted butter. Why not? Yeah. Out of a draft pump. Yeah. Starter from Puri. Main course.

Dominoes, large stuffed crust with pineapple, olives, jalapenos, Parma ham, not from Dominoes and garlic and herb dip. Oh my God, yes. Side dish for... Drink. Diet Coke from The Fountain. Yes. Dessert. Warm chocolate... Oh, sorry. You would like Muffy...

Chucky Muffy. Chucky Muffy Delighty. Yes. Gosh, well, tea's a bunny on the top of it. Warm chocolate muffin with pistachio and hazelnut ice cream. Pistachio and hazelnut tea. Yeah. And then at the end of all of it, a spark on the top, at the end of all of it, you want a bottle of ryokka with four rolled

cigarettes by your friend Francis. Yes, please. How good is that menu? I was worried when I was thinking about it. Do you want me to tell you how good that menu is? Ten out of ten. There'll be a lot of people going, that seems like a good fun, girl. Here's what I'd have.

Brompery, fetouche, bottle of wine, four fags. Yeah. Are you serious? That's not bad. That's not bad. What's wrong with the dessert? That's adorable. Yeah, the dessert's pretty nice. Honestly, lads, I've absolutely smashed that. Like, I don't want to be like, like, oh my God, I'm amazing, but like,

well done, me, eh? It's been a pleasure having you on. Benito also looks like he's been in the trenches after that. Oh, Benito is absolutely... You got me. I genuinely jumped there. That's revenge. You actually made me jump on the podcast.

Helen, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you so much for having me. Well, there we are. Helen Bauer. Whoa, Mama. Whoa, Mama. That's what you want from an interview with Helen Bauer. To be absolutely battered into oblivion. If you don't know Helen Bauer by the end

of that episode, you will never know her. So everything she says has about five things that I want to follow up on. Yeah, but we can't. We can't. We didn't chase all of those leads today. It's impossible to. It's impossible. We had to talk about what Helen wants to talk about and what I was happy to.

I wanted to delve more into the past lives thing. Sure. There was that. I mean, there was a great number of things. I still don't fully understand why there was an egg in her breasts. I think it's something in her show. She probably is probably a cool look at the end of the show. We don't know. We don't know, really. We know it was in her show. We don't know why.

But we only found out it was in her show after some pretty heavy questions. Yeah, we had to drill down to that in the first place. And we talked about Pokemon, but which is kind of quite cheeky of me, really, to bring up Pokemon Go, because that could have made her think, oh, actually, I'd love to eat a golden raspberry one day.

But she didn't say golden raspberry. No, but pineapple berries were mentioned. They were in the gift bundle that she had sent me. Yeah, I don't know if that will make the edit because whatever you heard, listeners, the conversation about Pokemon Go was very long. No, it was cool, I think.

And I think that a lot of people will enjoy hearing about it. Well, I was staying silent because I was like, I'll pick my moment and then I'm going to say something funny. And then it went on so long that there was absolutely no moment for me to say that. Well, I don't think it's our fault that you were unable to find a moment to be funny in it. I mean, or that Bonito's owned out.

You know, that sounds like both of you not doing your jobs. Well, I don't think it's our fault because that sounds like both of you not doing your jobs. We were doing our jobs very well as Pokemon trainers. Well, no, you weren't doing your job well because this is a comedy food podcast and what you were saying was not about food and not funny.

I'm spinning a lot of plates. So, you know, I wear a lot of hats and at that point I was wearing two hats. But yeah, I mean, she didn't say golden raspberry. That's the main thing. She didn't say golden raspberry, no. You can listen to Helen's podcast, trusty hogs. You should listen to Helen's podcast, trusty hogs.

And also go and see Helen. Do any live gig. If she's on a mixed bill, doing her own solo show, you've got to go and see Helen Bauer. Check out her website. Look at her on social media, follow her on social media. Look her up on social media, follow her on social media. Yeah, but look at her.

I guess that's what Instagram is, isn't it? Yeah, no one's stopping you from doing that. I guess on Instagram. Also, there was some absolutely disgusting stuff on that episode. I'd be interested to hear what Bonito leaves in. It's going to be quite interesting. If you get into this bit now and you're thinking

there wasn't anything disgusting, then you know that he cut it all out. Yeah, because sometimes I looked over at Bonito during that and he looked absolutely gutted. Yeah, he was unhappy. He looked like he was going to cry. But thank you very much to Helen for coming on. I absolutely loved that episode.

Yes, thank you, Helen. Absolutely loved that episode. And we will see you listeners next week. See you later. You'll hear us. We won't hear you. What an awful way of doing a podcast, that would be. If we heard them and as well as them hearing us.

Yeah, I wouldn't like that. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking into your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing.

It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called

Norther News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Norther News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. The clock you've left is so late!