Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 216: Dawn French (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

Yuletide greetings to all! We’re back in national tredge territory for our first Christmas special of the year, as we welcome Dawn French to the Dream Restaurant.Dawn French’s new book ‘The Twat Files’ is out now, published by Penguin. Buy it here. Follow Dawn on Instagram @dawnrfrench and Twitter @Dawn_French Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings off menu listeners, James A. Castor here, just letting you know that my new audio sitcom Springleaf is out now. Wherever you get your podcasts, it's got loads of amazing stars in it, and I'm very excited. It tells the story of Pat Springleaf, the undercover cop who went undercover into the comedy industry as James A. Castor, the stand-up comedian, who we're talking layers. And your friend Ed Gamble might even pop up for a line or two. Who's to say? Springleaf, wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to it please. Today's episode of the Off-Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy.

Oh Ed, are we talking Cozy modulus sofas here? Yes, we are James. It's thoughtfully designed furniture made for modern living. I've often said Benito needs to get some some cozy furniture for the off-menu studios because at the moment it's hell. And this is the thing, I've got to tell you, I've got to allow the owners to easily elevate any space. This whole space needs elevating.

We want to choose the designs that we like, configure the shape and number of seats for our space, pick our favorite fabric. This is what the studio needs, Benito, please. And we could add modules over time if our needs change. You know, there's not enough space in here. What if we have the whole of Westlife on the podcast? I want some new shelf said. Yeah, we should get some new shelves actually in here. Yeah, cozy of launch some new solid word modulus shelving systems called the altitude collection, James. They're super easy to assemble and the installation can be done on any wall in a couple of minutes. But you might be worrying about the customer experience. I often do

that when I interact with a new company. What's the customer experience going to be like? Well, no need to worry with Cozy. It's free and fast shipping on all orders and they have over 3,500 five star reviews. Plus, there's five year warranty and a 30 day risk free trial and the customer support is human. It's not bears like you get in some of these places. Transform your living space today with cozy visit cozy dot c a c o z y to start customizing your furniture. O Z E Y. Welcome to the off-menu podcast taking the scone of conversation, spreading on the jam

of humour, adding the clotted cream of friendship. And we got ourselves a Cornish Skone podcast James. Oh, now why is Ed saying a Cornish Skone? I guess we'll come to that later listeners. That said, Gamp, huh? Yes, yes, later. That said, Gamp, my name is James A. Casta. We only dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest in and ask them their favorite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our Christmas guest is Don French. We win. Boy oh boy, we have one Christmas. Now, sometimes we have a guest and we're like, I think we might be a national treasure territory here. Wait, I mean, this is the prime piece of national treasure. Yeah, this is the main

place. And that sounds disrespectful. The main bet that Indiana Jones will be after. Yeah. The main bounty. Yes, the main bounty, Dawn French. So excited. Obviously, we are huge fans of Dawn French. We are very, very excited that she is coming into the Dream restaurant. Yeah, but that generation of comedians that are...

We wouldn't be comedians if it wasn't for Dawn French. Correct. And take that as you will. Yes. Sorry, dawn. Sorry if that makes you regret ever for you have ever done. Yes. But what a career, what a back catalog of work. Yeah. Just buzzing. And we're going to be talking about something she's done very recently, which is her new book,

The Twat Files. The Twat Files, A Life of Mistakes. No regrets. Yeah. I was looking forward to, A Life of Mistakes? No regrets. Yeah, I was looking forward to hearing you say that as well. No regrets is one of your favourite catchphrases. I love saying no regrets. It's really funny. Yeah, really funny.

Excited to talk to her about the book, excited to talk to her about her dream menu, and excited to talk to her about her dream Christmas food as well, James. Yes, it is Christmas. Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate. Yes. And we will be asking Dawn. Every year, I think we've always done this, is there's a little Christmas course that we chuck in there for the Christmas specials. And we will find out what Dawn French has for Christmas dinner.

We will. Very excited. We should get on with it, but we do have to pick a secret ingredient, James. This feels... This feels bad. I don't really want that to be a secret ingredient for this one, because I want to make sure that Dawn French does not get kicked out of the dream restaurant. But as always, if the gas picks a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deemed to be unacceptable, they will be kicked out. Yes, she will be kicked out, but I think we've picked something that she probably won't pick. Yeah, yeah. We've deliberately ruined our own format.

Yep. So is to not remove Dawn French from the restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is Marmite cakes. Marmite cakes. We just looked up some trivia about the Vicar of Dibbley. And of course, there was the character Latisha Cropley. And she cooked weird stuff. And in one episode, she cooked Mamaikakes. Like a dessert? Like a dessert. Mamaik. Even though I think about it, and I think Mamaikakes, that actually sounds quite nice.

Yeah, she would be good. It would be nice. Mamaik and chocolate. I've had a Mamaik and chocolate brownie. I've said it many times. There you go. But I don't think Dawn's going to pick that, so I think we're on safe territory.

I think it will be okay, but shall we find out? Yes. This is the off menu menu of Dawn French. MUSIC Welcome Dawn to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome Dawn French to the Dream Restaurant. Okay, it's already quite dynamic and loud.

I'm liking it. Yes. I like your glass. You've only just, as we'll start and put your glasses on. Yes, because I need to read something. I love them. Thank you. Why? I've not seen that design before. I like the metal frames. I like how the tops are thicker than the rest of it. I like the shape of them. I'm not seeing that shape of glass before. And do you like their very light on the face? I've worn heavy face furniture before now and this is light and I'm in this school now. Yeah, they work. Would you wear those glasses? Absolutely. Do people ask to try them on? I won't be lending them to you, mainly because of size of head if you don't

mind me saying. I've got a big head. Yeah, in a nice way. Yeah man sized hair. Yeah. Quite square, yours even square. Yes. But I've got a feeling there would be some stretching. Yeah. I can't risk that I'm afraid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because stretching leaves to slippage, and we all know what goes, it's a slippery old slope.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, stretching leaves to slippy of the... I don't think I hope I don't need glasses, because I have a very small nose and small ears, so I think I'd struggle to keep them on my face. You draw my attention at your nose and ears. Quite small ears. Yeah, can you hear me? I just about, there's a bit of a delay.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I can, yeah. So whenever I wear sunglasses, they sort of struggle to stay on my face because my face got them from a mouse. My father. Your ears. My father's a mouse. You know how people like grow human ears on my back. Yes. Yes. Ed had might as well on the side of his head.

Yeah. I'm an experiment. I'm a big experiment. He's growing them for mice. Wonderful. How generous. How are you doing, Dad? Do you know I'm alright. I mean, if you want to know the absolute truth, do you want to know the truth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a wobbly knee. And this is honestly the bane of my life. Yeah. Because I wanted to, well, I wanted to get to dying without any faults. Yeah, yeah.

You know, the odd cold maybe or something or a pimple. But now I seem to have the big stuff. That means you have to have butchery done to you. Yeah. And so I've got this really dodgy knee which happened as a result of doing a stunt. Really? Yeah. You may not know this, but I have in my life pretended to be a vicar. And when I pretend to be a vicar, I also jumped in a puddle.

You may not know this. Yes. Very young. And so it's very, very famous scene. Yes, very famous scene. I'll put with the exact right age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So when I did the jumping in the puddle, that was all perfectly good. Did have a secret way just telling you that. Anyway, it was warm. It was warm. It was November. Come on. Yeah, yeah. That's allowed. No one else was going in after me.

It's fine. So I've then been asked to jump in endless other puddles. You know, so I went on Paulo Grey, these chat show and tea. This is a million years ago. And in answer to this flat concrete, for as a TV studio, how they're going to ask me to jump in a puddle to finish the show. And I'm agreeing. And they built a hill so they could be a puddle at the top of the hill,

hill out of scaffolding and astro turf. I mean, it's a disaster. Yeah, how many puddles have you had to jump in post jumping in the puddle? Many, many. Every year for coming relief, they call you up and daily, always say yes. But when I did jump in that 10 foot one, jump 10 foot, no actual water inside it. Why did I say yes to that? Well, you just jumped, I just jumped 10 foot chalk.

Well, yes, I mean, there was a, there was a small plastic membrane type thing because they couldn't put water in it. They put the two inches of water on top of the plastic membrane. Yeah. Slightly vulver-like, if you don't mind me saying, screens please, but Doctor Freud.

And I jumped into that. But then from there onwards, nothing, nothing, nothing, 10-foot drop, heavy drop onto this left knee. So this is all for the sake of comedy. I've donated my knee to comedy. And comedy that you've done before as well. So we have done before and nailed it the first time. Showing off, frankly, that's astounded. So that so that now you've done before as well. No, we don't have done before. Nailed it the first time. It's a game. Showing off, frankly, that's astounded. So that so that now you've got need problems because the polygrapers of that you get arthritis where you've had. Yeah, let's blame Paul O'Grady, who's frankly dead.

Yeah, let's blame for him. He won't mind. He won't mind. He won't mind. He won't mind. You take it on the gym. Yeah, yeah. So that's the reason why now you've got a wobbly knee.

Yeah, wobbly knee. And in but wobbly knee and in the minute, well, not a minute, several minutes, somebody's gonna put a new one in there. Wow. And he is an interesting thing. So what you think about this, this problem started many years ago. And when I first went to see the knee surgeon,

he said, you're gonna need a complete replacement knee in there one day. I went, let's see. Then I went to see him a couple of years ago and he said, right, now I've done some closer looking with machinery, scans, whatever they call it. And now you will need a partial knee because the technology is such that now it's not an entirely. So then I said, going by this trajectory, I just keep going, I never need a knee. Well, I just don't need any knee a need? Well, I just

not need any, it's only point. So, no, that doesn't work that way. Did you have to tell him about the puddle? No, I actually haven't admitted to that because I don't know, I feel foolish. Whereas, I'm with you and you're a couple of twats and I'm quite happy to be, I'm happy to be foolish with you guys and admit my shortcomings. But to a surgeon, you want to sort of be grown up, don't you? Yeah, you just say you're reading about I ruined it by doing ballet. Because he might say well, you don't get any then. Yeah, I know. You've jumped to the puddle of the pool. I've got these show. No, no need for you. Yeah. Now you called us a couple of twats. Yeah, which we liked. Any other, any other guest would be offended, but of course, from you, it's a great compliment.

It's a gentle slap. Exactly. Because you've written a book called The Twat Files. I certainly have. Thank you, which is it's not about other twats really, is it? No, it's maybe you're reclaiming the word twat and talking about times you've been a twat. And you know, it's really an alarming amount. Yes, big book. It's a big book. I honestly promise you that that is that is about a third of the amount of stories in there. It's shocking. It's shocking. But when I first saw, oh, this is quite a good conceit to tell stories about your life.

Or many stories about work. That's what I set out to do the talk. I thought, I'll talk about, I don't want to just do levy anecdotes. But I might tell stories sort of behind the scenes. I did a bit in Harry Potter, so and I'd filmed a scene with a hippo. Why don't I tell people what actually happened with the hippo, you know, that kind of thing.

And then I thought, actually, I wasn't a bit of a twat that day. So then I told that story, then I told another straight and I thought, oh, I really have been a twat like I'm a massive twat. And I didn't know it. You know, when there's always one twat in the room and you look around, you can't see one. That's when you know you are the one. That is continual for me. I'm a twat wrapped in flesh. Yeah. That's me. I know that sounds wrong. So sorry.

No, no, no, no. That starts to sound offensive. But it's not. That must have been better sweet going. I think this would be a really good idea for a book. And then you start thinking about it and it just came too easily. Too easily. But don't we love the joy of owning up to your utter idiocy. Absolutely. I think it's like a basic human need to tell stories of idiocy. I mean comics do it all the time.

And actually mates do it, don't they? You know, it's like, I love it if a mate says to me, you know, you'll never believe what I did and tells me some stupid foolish thing they did. It's almost an act of trust when somebody does that. And I think, okay, well, I'm not gonna judge you for it. I am gonna laugh at you because you've invited me to, but now I'm gonna tell you a story. I'm gonna try and trump you.

With, not Trump at you. I think, but I'm going to try and trump you with my Odyssey. And then we're loving each other a bit. Also, I don't like any comedy where the comedian wins. I need the comedian to be, I've been a toy and his wife. Absolutely. And where's the fun in success? Actually, there's nothing to be said is for success. Absolutely. Actually, why would say is if you have been only successful and there's no such thing, but if that's all you ever talk about, you are just an asshole. Yeah, you know, you're not even a try, you're just an asshole. So let's forget that because we don't, I don't really care about people's successes. That is the problem with all the filters and the stories about yourself, look where I am, look good, look at my interesting hair, look at me,

and I'm here, I know these people, you know, all of that to me is because I'm old and so that is like, ooh, it's a bit boasty and weird, I don't like it, and you're just saying, aren't I great, aren't I great? I don't like you, I don't like you if you're telling me that, I don't know how to connect with you, I don't know people that are just great. Everybody I know is a twat. And I want to meet other twats. That's where I can connect properly with my folk. Yeah, it is work. So yeah, I've never heard anyone say,

if you follow such and such on Instagram, their life looks so great. I really like them. Yeah, I really think they're brilliant. I like them. I've only ever heard people go, you've got to follow such and such. They're fucking insane.

So what a one, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Hate them jealous enjoy them. I've only ever heard people go, you've got to follow such and such. They're fucking so bad. So what a one-year-old. Yeah, absolutely. Hate them jealous of them. And what we know is it's not true. We know that, but why are we buying it then? Why are we buying it and trying to be as untrue and how fake is that? So I'm trying to sort of,

I'm just trying to own the lovely imperfection. Honestly, I could tell you, it's liberating, massively liberating. And maybe it's something that comes with age where you don't feel like you have to impress people anymore or you have to give the best of yourself or anything. Because, you know, we're going into weird territory here. My brain's going to weird territory. It's like the difference between porn and proper lumpy, slightly, with the sex.

That's where it's real and with the real person, really flawed person. I mean, I have been known in my life, you know, to just go, look, will we go any further? Can I show you all of this? Let me just show you all of it. Here are all the lambs, the ones that are supposed to be there. Here's the other ones that aren't supposed to be there, alarming. Just get used to it. Good thing. Interested in a visit or not, a visit, because this is what it it is and I'm interested in your weirdness. So let's let's have a go at it. At what point of the evening is this? It's very early on. I will quite often would this back in the day obviously before marriage

I don't do that anymore. I will hand out you know a card which says where would you like to visit? Upstairs, outsides, upsides, insides, downstairs, outsides. Yeah, these pretty nice. Golden, golden thing which might cost you dinner downstairs, insides. Do you prefer, do you smoke? No. I'll get things sorted. I'm quite organised. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I do like real stuff, real bodies, real people, real mistakes, real everything. Yeah. Is what I'm interested in. Also, I had no idea. That was a real hippo that you were in a room with. I thought I assumed. Yeah. That CGI'd you.

Oh, no. As the lady in the painting. Oh, no, there was a hippo. And there's hippos behind you. I don't think you were really with a real life hippo. I was with a real life hippo. I'm here's the thing. I'm going to tell you something that I talk about on stage, which I'm not supposed to do, but I'm going to tell you. So I was asked if I was happy to work with animals, and then I was told by the director that there was a hip-hop. I just said yes because I wanted to be in the film. I didn't think about it till the day

when I was taken into the great hangar at Liebsden's studio and left in a pen in the middle with sawdust. And an unpleasant man came and he was the animal wrangler and he came and shouted at me about, I really did obey, I do obey, or shouting to people, which I shouldn't do that anymore. He shouted at me and told me that I must not run, whatever happened, I must not run.

And he said that they were going to be bringing in a live creature and to pay it some respect, stands still, do not run. Did I understand? Yes, I understand, I understand. They're explaining to me that the script called for a female hippo, but this was a male hippo, do not run. That's already ominous. Then he said, this hippo may want to sniff your privates, do not run. May want to sniff your privates. Do not run. Did you send the hippo the car, Cicol?

I was I was wavering then because I thought I don't think that's part of the contract. No, no. When you said, do you like working with animals? I wasn't imagining this. This is too, this is too much. Then he said, this hippo may want to mate with you. And if it does, does if he does his skin will start to foam Be on alert look out for that. Tell me do not run So then I thought oh god, I need I'd like to run now Yeah, yeah, I didn't I you know, so they went out and they backed in the trailer with the hippo and I could hear it something about inside So they went out and they backed in the trailer with the hip-hop and I could hear it something about inside. Genuinely terrified.

He went in to bring it out and do you know what? It was the size of a Labrador. So the word they had all neglected to use concerning the hip-hop was the word pygmy. It was a pygmy hip-hop. Don't run. Don't run. And I tell you something, it did sniff my private. And I'll tell you another thing. It skin did not phone. I failed. I failed to ignite the order of a pig me hit. And that's a fact. And I really care about

that. I still don't understand. Yeah, yeah. I feel failed. Yeah, That is quite a disordered thing. But it was tiny. So the script called for me to hide behind it, which when I read, I imagined that the hippo sized hippo, not a big-me sized hippo. But the only way to do that scene was to be on all fours behind it. So trying to hide my fairly bulky self behind a tiny little hip-ho. It was ridiculous. And when you see it, you don't even, as you say, it could have been CGI'd. You don't even, you sort of see the height of it. You don't even really see what's going on. Well, if they're worried that the hip-ho is going to want to make with you, and then they're asking you to get down on all fours. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Who's caring about me and my well-being? And what could have happened?

Absolutely. No one could have happened. What could have happened? Yeah. I could have been the mother of holy, tiny, no baby. It would have been, it would have been against God. It would have been against everything, moral, everything. We would look like it. And I would not have been allowed to run because I'd have been obeying and still. I reckon you could have one of picked me here both surely.

Yeah. Do you know, I don't think I could with my wobbly knee. I don't know. This was a few years back, but even so. Thanks to our gravy. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks to you, our gravy.

I have to mate with everybody in fact. We always start the dream menu with still a sparkling water. Yeah, I know exactly what I'm having there. Can you guess? I think you would have still water. I think sparkling water. I think you're right. Yes. Sorry about that.

Sorry about that. But I quite enjoyed the gassiness. And I quite enjoy the burping. Follows. I quite enjoy that. And it also feels posh, doesn't it? Yeah. I know it's a rip off.

I know it's wrong. And it's expensive. I know all of those things. But if I'm going to deny myself, Fwagra, for all the right moral reasons, I'm going to have the sparking water. Sorry. Are you disappointed now?

No, he's annoyed that he gets stronger. Just what's happened? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I thought I thought I was being really clever because all the stuff you were saying earlier, definitely twats are the artholes of successful people. I am a twat. I'm saying I am a twat. So I'm allowed the sparkling water. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. It is mainly twats that drink sparkling water, isn't it? I guess, is it mainly twats or is it, is that arsehole territory?

The successful thing. No, I think it's twat territory. It's just twat territory. Yeah, it's, it's forgivable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you like to jump into a puddle of it? Oh, oh, oh, Ed Gamble. I apologize.

There's something I've never, I've never considered. But if you want to organize it, I'd be there. It's your dream restaurant. We've got a journey in it, you know? Could it be real water or real proper pedal, not silly studio football? There's no memorizing rules. Yeah, well, yeah, okay.

No hippos, no scaffolding, just plain old, fizzy water, just loads of it, gallons of it and all. Gallons of it, straight in. Yeah. Would you like as well? Yeah. Because I think this would be good if Richard Curtis jumped into a big load of spark and

water and had to do it as many times as you've had to do it. Richard Curtis was really so far behind the camera watching from a long distance like the how it is. But he wrote it. Come on. With Paul Make You Arch, it was their idea. I'd love to take the credit, but I can't. So they should be jumping into the... They should, but not with me. I wanted to do it on my own, thanks. And there is a joy, you know, there is a joy with

little stunty moments like that. And I think there's something in me that is sort of British and also trained by my brother that if you refuse a challenge you will be forever labeled a girl. So I'm not having that. I'm not a girl. Well I am, but I'm not in his a girl. And I will do any challenge to beat my brother.

I cannot, I mean, you're my brothers nearly 70 now. I'm 66. If I'm sitting next to my brother, we have to have a fight, physical fight. It really does alarm his children, my children, everybody, because it's quite full on and it is serious. It starts with Chinese birds, you know, and it gives on from that. It's about being in the back of the car together for years. Yeah, you still just slip into those rolls. There's just a little dig and then another one,

and it should stay like hearted, doesn't it gets quite violent. Get it out of control. And I'm prepared to bite so just say that to you. He's going for the knees. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I hope you win the next one. Yeah, thank you. I will. I've got plans. Plants. Poplums are bread. Poplums are bread, Don, Fakes. Poplums are bread. Oh my god. I think it might be bread. Yeah, it's bread. Although it's unwise, isn't it, because you're full? That's always the danger that you fill up on bread.

Yeah. And because it's arrived first, you're hungry, you want it badly. I quite like the pushy, fuketcha. I can't type of bread, you know, I quite like that. Oh, was it like a bread one or a waiter in the out of a basket with a forky thing, you know, tonggy tongs? Yeah, quite like that. And if they're warm, ooh, like that.

Well, I'm a genie waiter in this scenario. So I could make you, um, or again, for the bread. Oh, my God. After the bread, I can. That's my dream thing. Reset you. I once gave up bread for, in an effort to lose some weight, I gave up bread for a year. And I gave up cheese the same year. And then Satan, who works at my deli, made cheese bread. Yeah. Then I was lost. The ultimate temptation.

Yeah. I thought that Satan worked at the deli. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that it was the state of the jelly. Yeah. And that was it. Bad luck. Love bread. It's good cheeseburger. I mean, you wouldn't have pop-a-doms unless, of course, you're at the Indian restaurant,

surely. I mean, I don't know if you've been asked this before, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a strange thing. Some people have still picked pop-a-doms and they're not picked in Indian for those in Yale. Some people just love pop-a-doms. Some people have picked picked popperums and they're not picked Indian for those in the real. Okay, but some people just love popperums. Some people have picked prawn crackers. Yeah.

Well, you might as well have crisps if you're going to do that. Bring your own crisps and get started with those before the bread. And I wouldn't advise it. No. No, save yourself for the actual food. I don't think my menu would exist in a restaurant, but when we're in your special magic restaurant, he said, it just does. Nobody would serve me these things in this order. That's great. That's right. That's where we're at. They're not particularly weird. They're just not what you would get.

They wouldn't be on the same menu. No, correct. And for your bread course Oh, you bitch. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. But then, well, only I can only have it because you're promising me I won't fill up. Yes, you won't. Because that would be my entire meal. Or, yeah, yeah, okay. So, Satan's cheese bread. All right. Thank you. Yeah, lovely. Your dream starter. Now, this was a, this was problematic for me, because I was thinking of all the things I love as starters. And I do really love starters, but I remember, this is slightly too early, because I remember having this starter

in a restaurant ages ago, so I was trying to remember what my favourite starter was. And I've, I've never had it since, and I loved it. So why have I not ordered it since or why haven't I made it for myself at home? You know when you have a little epiphany and you think this is food I really love why don't I eat it? Good ways to my life. Yeah why am I drawing to have other inferior starters when this is what I really want. So this was thinly sliced pear, ripe.

Don't start giving me unripe. Thinly sliced ripe pear with really excellent ham, with a sort of balsamaki drizzle on the top. It's posh. I can't even remember where I had this, but it was so divine. Mm. It's like slub now.

I'm tasting it now, it was so divine. It's like slub now. I'm tasting it now. It's so divine. And it was that kind of ham that none of us can aspire to know where it could. Serenery. Also, you know, they're not parmer, but like version of that. Was it a very good, it was a very good, it was a very good, something like that. It's a very good, something like that. Is it the best? Oh, for me, yeah, that's the one. That. Yeah, something like that. Barricades, the best stuff, those things. Is it the best?

Oh, for me, yeah, that's the one. That's the Spanish one. That's the one I get really excited about. Is that when you get a whole side of it and slice, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it's like that. But very thin, paper thin slices and then the drizzle. My, um, just to let you know, all my family, the same.

My brother went on a school trip once and to Spain and came back with a leg of a barricot ham. Of course. He'd spent all the money he had for, like, little tourist treats and little souvenirs and came back with a leg of a barricot ham. Of course. He'd spent all the money he had for like little tourist treats and little souvenirs and came back with a leg of ham. That's good. Yeah. And they do last a long time, don't they? Or do they? Because my husband's before now got one of those, which where you buy the thing it goes on the stack. And you screw it in. It's quite butchery. It's quite, you know, I own a deli now in my own house, which you don't. And he started cutting it at Christmas once and then kept on cutting. And we were

still eating it several months later and I was worrying that then he kept saying their mould is good. Is that right with ham? Ham and mould? Do they get together? Well, I don't maybe cheese and mould go together. I guess you don't, maybe, cheese and mull go together. I just don't know, but I guess you can just, was that you cut the mulled off and then it's fine underneath. You see sloughing off mulled to get to the ham you want. It's not, it's not appetising. Especially after months of eating the ham. Bunch. Yeah, I know.

I know. And it wasn't the really good one that I'm talking about, which I don't even really know the name of it. So that's not a magic. Yeah, magic. And then finley's nice. Marvelous though. Don't you fancy the thought of it? Sounds delicious. I think, again, I get what you mean, pair in a safe, additional start. You know, every time I've had it, it's

amazing. Yeah. But I never think, never think to do it or even if you're going to try to impress people at a dinner party, yeah, this would be a lovely thing. Pairs, and you, you, if you really want to impress them, you might put walnuts. I've seen that all now. When you said pear, I thought there's some walnuts coming. Did you? I got quite excited, but there might be some walnuts coming.

But then I don't think I would necessarily add that walnuts to the dish you described. I think that's nice and simple. Yeah, as it is. But would you have the drizzle, the balsamic drizzlet? Yeah, I'll have the drizzlet. I don't have the ham, where it's from. What we wouldn't have is what often happens in post restaurants, which is just spit on the top, called foe.

Oh, yes. You know, where's really the chef is just. Got bats on it. Yeah. Get away with it. It's spit if somebody hasn't drunk enough water. It is. It is. Oh, is it somebody who's drunk? Yeah. That's what it is. It's a chef. It's a chef spit. I'll coffle it spit. It's never good enough. Obviously, that apparently makes it possible. I'm not accepting that. No, no, I don't think it ever really holds its own. No, it's foam. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want drizzlet? I want drizzlet. Yeah. Well, you can have the drizzlet, the magic ham and the right pair. Right pair.. Well, you can have the drizzlet, the magic ham, and the right pair. Right pair. And maybe in the center of the table for those who want to be crazy wallnuts. Yeah. Some wallnuts. And would you, do you think it would be a good idea to crush them? Or would you put whole wallnuts? I think it depends if sometimes it's like raw wallnuts on there, right? And so I find raw wallnuts sometimes sort of strip my mouth out a bit. Do they? Yeah, they're just a bit like raw walnuts sometimes sort of strip my mouth out a bit. Do they? Yeah, they're just a bit like, I get a weird texture in my mouth,

but a roasted walnut all day long. I love a roasted walnut. That's quite a lot of effort, isn't it? But we're in a restaurant, it's all right. We can have that because somebody else has put the effort in. But I'm definitely doing this at home, at one of my many, many dinner parties that I haven't had for 20 years. I'm going to impress people with that.

Who would be at your dinner party? Well, you guys obviously have your best friends. Um, Fenty Saunders always. And her husband, the other one. Uh, and I didn't know. Marie Curie maybe, Charlie Chaplin, you know, the usual. Yeah, the usual gang. Yeah, yeah.

I'm essentially open to the draw of our, we got a TV at home. Well done. And it's on like a cabinet. And I opened one of the top draws of it and there was a bag of walnuts in there. What's that? And I thought, my girlfriend's gone mad. And I'm going to be able to like point out

I instantly was like, like thinking that this is going to be great when it wins this. What was there, a bag of walnuts in this, in the TV cabinet? I figured like, I, this is the shit go, I'm going mad, you're right. But she was like, because, um, sometimes you and other people put their glasses just directly on the cabinet and it leaves the ring. And if you get the walnut and you rub it over the stone, it goes away. I was like,

I don't, what? And then she showed me and it absolutely worked. So she showed, here's a ring that you put there once, you put there the other day, get a Walnut, rub it over it, it's gone. How does she know this stuff? Yeah, I know. I've never, well, I just got to say I never look so stupid. I regularlyuely look. Yeah, as stupid as that. Yeah, I'm a twat. And I walk into those things all the time. But big respect to her. She should also let you know, James' girlfriend

is Kim Woodburn from Howcleaners Your House. I love her. Even further respect. Yeah, she'll be Mr Woodburn. I'm scared of her. Yeah, she's scared of her. Yeah. None of our houses could ever be clean enough.

And also, they're very tight hair. Yeah, yeah. I've got a feeling the face will fall off. When the hair comes down, sorry Kim, please don't hurt me. I've got a feeling that's what I think the whole face is held up. It's a very messy house. It's scrunchy. If the face falls down.

Yeah, scrunchy is brilliant. Yeah, not of way. Yeah. I suggest using some white vinegar to get my face off the floor. Yes. And with my face falls off, I mean, I just use a walnut. To wipe it out. My main course could be controversial. It's a pasty.

Okay. I'm made of pasties. And I, if I could have one every single day of my life, I would, but they probably would have to be made by the people that I love. So in the magic restaurant, could I have a pastime made my, my, my mother who's no longer with us? Absolutely. Okay, she's with Paula Grady. So yes, it would be my own mother's pasties. Good second is my husband's mother's pasty. But it would never be my mother's pasty. A third would be almost anybody else in my family's made to pass the it goes down down down the line to

Ginsters. Yeah, you know, that's when you if you're up against it, if you're up against on a service station or something like that, but they Ginsters know their bottom. They do know, but they still they'd still support our girl. Yeah. And if you if you go to our girl, you have to buy a Ginsters or not or in Plymouth, where I'm partly from, there are really good pasties called Iver Doedneys. Iver Doedneys, known to us as Doedneys. That doesn't sound right, does it? You don't want to eat a Doedney pasties. A Doedney pasties? Yeah, but there's no Doedney in it. No. But Iver Doedneys pasties are the ones we prefer to Ginsters.

So what you do, if you're going to an Agar match, you get an I've a do you pass that you stick it down your front and you smuggle it in because Ginstance supports, you know, they sponsor Agar, so really you're supposed to buy theirs, but you don't. And they've got the hot party. The amount of chest burns I've had from I've a do these past pasties secreted down the front of the isms I've got any bad bosoms by the way but the same front bosoms like that that

indicates I might have back I actually I think I might have by now I think I might have you can have a look for me later see yeah when I was younger and smuggling them though it was all down the front and all the heat the heat oh god to suffer it suffer it to last time and then and then to have time, to have time, to have time.

Because it's got to stay warm, keeping it warm. You desperate for someone to get a girl so you could scream. I'm desperate all to be over. You can eat your pasty. So an either doonies is really excellent, but my own mother's pasty made with your own mother's love. And that's the whole point, so folded in. And the history of the pasty made with your own mother's love and that's the whole point of folded in and the history of the pasty come on Yeah, do you know about them at all? I I know that I've definitely been told it and then forgotten it If it's something to do with the people who are going to work and they wanted all of a meal in one thing So they invented the pasty, but I can't remember where they're going to work Do you think like the pits the the mines, the mountain, tin mines, tin wall and places like that.

And you're supposed to throw the handle away, right? Yes, the ends are for just holding, because your hands are covered in arsenic, which are down the mines. Mine are not covered in arsenic. I'm just eating a pasta from the shop. But, you know, their house were covered in arsenic. So you would eat one side of the pasta, which was your meat and potatoes. And then there's a dividing line,

other side of the pasta, apple and custard. And can I tell you, you're going down the mine at five o'clock in the morning. You're having your lunch at one o'clock. Still warm. Good. How? Because I think, well, not the bosoms. You know, a lot of these guys

didn't have bosoms. It's nice to get some history of the mind. I don't know if this is just legend, but it's something to do with sort of making a vacuum out of the pastry. You make one layer and make the pasta. You make another layer and you suck out the air and plug it. And that is like a thermos pasty. That's the story. Whether it's just a long story and we've all fallen for it, I don't know. It's amazing. I like it. Yeah. So that's where the pasty, that's the history of it. But there are many wars, lost in one, about what's contained there in. Yeah. Because I once went on tour to Australia

and lots of Cornish people went to live in Australia because of mines and stuff. And they lived in a, what is the place called? There's an area of Australia near Adelaide where lots of Cornish people ended up and they're more Cornish than the Cornish could have been. You know that thing when people have gone away

and it's like Irish Americans, we don't know, so Irish. Anyway, they all settled in this one area and I was on a show a bit like the Australian version of the one show and I was in Sydney and we were talking about it and they suddenly brought up the pasty thing because you know from Cornwall and they monitor, that's what the place is called. That's rock, that's wrong doesn't it? That's wrong. And they put me through life to Munta, to Jathro, Troub, Weatheran or whatever his name was, who's the third generation of Cornishman there. His great grandfather came over and the Mayflower or something.

Or whatever. And he said, Dorm, we've made you a proper pasty. Obviously, you're there and Sydney we're here, but we're going to cut it open for you and show you the pasty we've been making here for generations. And we'll send it to you. I said, lovely, lovely. And I genuinely was, I've been away for a while.

I thought, oh, god, lovely, I'd love a pasty. And he cut it open and you know what I saw? Do you know what I saw? The effrantry of it all. Carrot. Ha ha ha. No, thank you. No. Do you know what I saw? The fruity of it all. Carrot. No, thank you. No.

You don't put carrot in a pasty. No. Turn it, but if you want to call it that, fine, sweet, turn it, or sweet, acceptable, skirt, beef, acceptable, onion, acceptable, pepper, salt, potato, acceptable, even dollop of grotto queen, except to make the gravy. Carrot never get out. It wasn't just carrot, right?

No, but it was a lot of it, staring at me. So then I had to make a decision about, you know, because I've been well, but I've got good manners. I hope. And I thought, fuck off. You thought you thought I thought that. I didn't say it. And I thought, fuck off. You thought, you thought, I thought that. I didn't say it and I went, oh, that's interesting. Like that. And then he said, well, we'll send you this past it. And I couldn't help it. I just had to say, not to the rude thing.

I just said, and I'm so sorry. Say this. But, but that seems to have character in it. And he said, yes, yes, character, always character. I went, no, no, no, no, not always Carrot, no, never, in fact Carrot, never. And he said, yes, this is how the grandfather, and I thought, I'm insulting you, all of his lineage. This is dreadful.

But I said, no, no, no, no, no, you call a pasty, anything you like, put anything, put small hamsters in it, if you like like but don't call it a traditional Cornish Basti. Call it a hamster pasty. Call that a carrot pasty but don't call it a and we had a little fallout on it. Yeah, great. And of course the bearer was. It's like YouTube. Can I watch it later? I don't. You might be able to. And what you will watch is me trying to contain yourself. Yeah. Yeah. So he was convinced that's traditional. Absolutely convinced. Is that traditional for the Cornish people of Munter, I guess?

I'm something, some abhorrence has happened between Corn and- In the journey over. In the journey over. They've lost their minds. Yeah. Or maybe they couldn't get hold of sweet or something. Yeah. I don't know.

They were carrots on the boat. Maybe. Yeah. And they've all gone mad and they've decided that's where carrots belong. They're wrong. They're completely wrong about it. So anyway, in my plan, do you will not see carrots, but you will see these other ingredients. But you want a traditional corn, a traditional corn is passed. So you got made by my mother. The beef.

Was that? Yeah, beef skirt. Beef skirt. Yeah, which weirdly enough, anywhere else in this country, beef skirt is a sort of cheap cut. Mm-hmm. In Cornwall, it's the most expensive because we're all making the pasties from it. Yeah.

Do you see what the witches are doing? Yeah, heaven. Ripping us off. They're clever, though, they're doing. Yeah. Yeah. I was just about to say the most boring thing I've ever said. No, please, sir.

Well, it's like what's happened recently with chicken thighs, Dawn. Yeah, that's not the most boring thing you've ever said. I'm just here to tell you, but anyway. Well, I've done what you made today. I'm not finished yet. Used to be the cheap cut, which is why they used it in a lot of dishes, especially in Indian dishes and stuff.

And then everyone worked out, it was more delicious. So now it's more expensive than breath. Yeah. Yeah. How's that? That's the world we live in. Yeah. That's what we've got to deal with. That's what young people, have you brought any children

into the world you two? No. No, well don't, because look at what's happening. We won't. How could you ever explain it to them? I know. It's my dream Monday to have a child and feed them on chicken thighs.

Yeah. Say goodbye to that dream. I know you won't be able to feed it. I know. Your pasties just savoury then. It's not half and half with the custard in the oven. No, no, copying that. Because you don't get enough really. I think

their pasties were huge and I have to say the size of the pasty is the measure of the cook. So for instance, my mother would make giant battleship pasties that were a challenge. Yeah. So you would sit there until you finished it otherwise you had no respect for you. Obviously I'm still thinking about Apple and Custody. Yeah, and why not? I'm a sweet tooth boy. That was your had two pasties. That would be your main course and that would be...

That's what I would do. There's a lot of pastry. And I don't think if I was working the mines, I don't think I'd even get to the savoury one. I think I'd eat that. Really? Apple and Custody would have a straight away. Straight away.

On the way down there. Oh, you just got to put that again. On the on a school trip. But you've already in your wagon wheel before you've even less the school gates. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I can't. No. Yeah. You start with the wagon wheel and move backwards to the jam somewhere. Yeah. And then later when it's like official. Okay. When it's lunchtime now, I'll get you. And I'm there. Yeah. I'm really regret it. I know you idiot. I'm like, I'm like, no. I've done.

He ate my brown bread. Now I've got to eat my friends food as well. Yeah. Just make people share their lunch with me because I've been a greedy to act. Yeah. I was supposed to have Pat lunch at school. Some people had school dinner, some people had Pat lunch. Yeah.

And I got sent with Pat lunch and I used to eat it in morning break. Did you? The whole thing. And then like sneak into school dinners. How were you able to get the school dinners if you were on Pat lunch? Just strolling, it's confident. And looked like do we either? The dinner lady.

Just bold in here. I'm start at home. Mrs. Nighttig, I'm start by my parents. Even though they'd all see me sat there eating a full sandwich at 11 a.m. I'd listen to it with that completely. But there's something about a pasty. Oh, it's heavenly. And the type of pastry and just the, as I say,

the love that it's made with is the answer. Where'd you stand on the West Cornwall Pasty Company? Obviously, that's allowed. Yes, allowed. Yes, allowed. Good. Because I quite a quiet. Again, if you're on route somewhere,

I would accept that, definitely. I like the staking staking stilting from there, but I would never call it a traditional Cornish pasta. No, thank you. And I don't think I would ever order it because it's not a traditional Cornish pasta. Have you heard of a pixie? No. I mean, you've probably heard of a pixie, the small little fairy picture, but they do

make something called a pixie, which is just like three, three maffles, tiny little pasta. I think it's probably for children. Yeah, I wouldn't be. But they do make something called a pixie, which is just like three three mafils tiny little pasty. I think it's probably for children. Yeah, I wouldn't be. No, I have the sometimes put one behind each year for later. John, this is a Christmas episode. So of course, we'd like to hear your dream Christmas dinner as well before we. Okay. Okay. well, you know. This is another thing that's followed you around since the puddle days as well. Thank you. And how many, I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen it, but how many Christmas dinners

do you think I ate in that episode? Well, in the episode, is it three in the episode or four that is within the story? I'm before, actually, quite before. Yeah, within the story. Yeah. How many do you think I ate? I'm so you're doing multiple takes of each. Yeah.

Think about how television's made it. Yeah. Over and over again. You've had to film there. You've been the wrong way. Oh, really? Going the wrong way. What?

None. Because if you look at it, it's put in front of me. I go, oh, dear, if I can manage this, raise this knife and fork cut to the end, cut to the carcass. Of course, yeah. Didn't eat anything, anything. It was such a disappointing day. Because when I read the script, I thought, ooh, great to move, reading today of the Christmas variety.

None, none. And even all the Brussels sprouts, I think I might have eaten actually eaten and swallowed masticated and pooed out too only, too only. Whereas there were many, there were many on the table, many going in the mouth, but they all had to go in a bucket. Sorry, everybody. I'm ruining it all, aren't I, for everyone? No, we love it. Because they would have choked me. Yeah. Yeah. That is sad. I know it's against it. I'm over it now. Yeah. But I, and I've forgiven everybody in the protection for starving me on that day. But yeah, that's how teleworks. It could have ruined Christmas dinners for you though. If you, if you'd actually had to eat them as many times as you would. That is true. That is true. And actually, I'm pretty sure that is what happens to Vickers, where they get invited to far too many Christmassy things. Yeah. So maybe you're doing Christmas dinner

is that many Christmas dinner? No, maybe it is because you were looking forward to it in that minute. Well, no, it's not that. It's not because what I'm going to suggest to you is not my Christmas day dinner, if I'm allowed to via from it. Of course. But it's Christmas Eve dinner. Now this, this is a bit surprising and I don't want to disappoint you. Well, I do, I do. It's been on toast and my frayed with grated cheese and salad cream. Great. Every Christmas Eve, that's what we have in our family because we know the next day is going to be a massive blowout. Yeah. And because there's preparation going on and because there's people to go and visit it's up every Christmas evening, we just have agreed over many, many, many years as the

tradition is being on toast. So it's just easy. And honestly, I long for it. I long for it. And that's the beginning of Christmas, for me. Where is the salad cream going in this? On the side, please. On the side.

Yeah, not over the top. Don't be silly. I didn't know. So you're dipping. I like the dipping because then you can measure out exactly how much in each mouthful. And also may I say, if you want to be crazy, you could put some marmite on the toes before. And you also could chop the toast into little squares. So that, slightly American style, you can abandon your knife and only use your fork. What do you think about that? Is that lazy? No, it's not lazy. You're putting in the work beforehand, don't you?

You are. You are. You are. You know you're getting the perfect size bite every time. Agree. I think some people might regard that as wrong. I'd actually never heard of that technique before and I quite like it. I think it's a great technique. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. And it also means you can hold

the plate under your chin in that slightly, I'm a dribbler way and you've got the fork and that's it and you're just, you know, just what's that word? Shuffle it. Shuffle it. Yeah. With great cheese and please cheddar, always. Yes. Nothing, posh. We're not going posh there. It's Christmas Eve. We're preparing for the 15 vegetables the next day. Yeah. Are you just putting like grated cheese on the top and leaving it? You're not grilling it or melting it? Not grilling it. Oh, no, no, no.

I think you're imagining that I'm more chefy than I am. I wouldn't be able to do that. I wouldn't be counting that as chefy necessarily. I would. But this is why you won't becoming fit in your mind, because it really isn't good. You're letting the beans melt the cheese. Yes, I am.

And the beans are very hot. Yeah. And if you're my husband, you put curry powder with the beans. I respect that. Do you? Have you heard of that before? I'm not, I'm not a, I don't really like baked beans. So any sort of addition to the baked beans would yesterday.

Yes, yesterday. We did a live show of this podcast and we always have a secret ingredient that if the guest chooses it, they get kicked out of the dream restaurant. And they don't know what the ingredient is. They don't know what it is. Oh, that's the key. And the live episodes we let the audience kind of help us decide what it's going to be

before the guest comes on. Yesterday, they chose baked beans. Did that. For that guest yesterday, not for you. the guest comes on yesterday, they chose baked beans. Did that? For that guest yesterday, not for you. Okay, all right. Okay. Not for you. No, I'm aware it's ordinary, but I also know a bit like a pastor, you can tell I'm sort

of comfy, it's all comfy, yummy, yummy. This is the opposite to Jennifer, by the way, I don't know if Jennifer's ever been. No, not yet. But you all find, woo, different, the different class, different kind of, ooh, she's all about tentacles and, you know, oystery things and little, special, little tiny things. That's who she is. She baked beans, probably never.

But I'm all about the comfort that's her. I'm a boarding school girl. So I think when you've been to boarding school, there's so many mistakes at boarding school with food, but what you do is when you go home for the holidays, you so want to be outside, you don't watch your mum cook, you don't learn much about cooking. So for me, tip top food is like chocolate shake, baked beans, pasty, you know, that sort of slow cooker, things in there could be chicken thighs, could be. Yeah.

You know, but chopped up things that cook for lots of hours and a gooey and filling and comforting. Yeah, I love baked beans. Yeah, I haven't disappointed you. No, I'm not disappointed because I like what they signify. I love this Christmas Eve thing of just having something convenient, but what do you have against them, please? I just don't like the taste of them. Two sugary? No, I just think they're just a bit bland for me.

Yeah, yeah. That's why you're going to add the curry powder. Never been. Yeah, so the curry powder would not think of it through. I don't think. Yes, not all the way through. Not enough to get you to open it. And because you've got like a different combos there, I would feel that I would want to try them all. I'd want to have like the curry-powered abat beans with cheese and then I'd want to have standard baked beans with cheese and marmite. Yes. And then try the salad cream one, which I'm not sure. I know it sounds a bit out there, but it is right. There's something really good about it. It's tangy, it's good. It sort of

counteracts the blandness weirdly. I just think everyone has a dish like that of Christmas where they eat it and they're like, we've started. Yeah, completely. Christmas is on your way. Yeah. And I think that's, it's nice that it's also, you've made that something convenient. So you don't, it's so easy. And it's so much work to do next day. And no impressing anyone because the next day is all about that, all about that. Yeah. Oh, the next day. I many take baths. I'm known for it. Yeah, my family understands.

I go, oh, I think I need a bath. And that gives me 40 minutes away. At what point in the day? Or what? Quite early on it. It's not quite early. It depends on how many we have. We normally have the biggest table.

Not boasting, but we have, I'm boasting. We've got a really fabulous, big table. So we are the hosts, and sometimes it'd be 30 people in our house. Wow. So that's a lot to think about. And when they start arriving, more ready overwhelmed, already overwhelmed by it. So I take baths, and everyone understands it just means I'm absenting myself. Yes. Obviously not during the main eating.

No, but soon after. I bet I jealous that you get to just try and take a bath. Well, they think it's quite anti-social, really, but they've accepted this about me now, because it's never going to change. I also provide children on Christmas Day. What? Five Reach to do the dishes. Five Reach. That's been so, very young.

And in a way, it's counterproductive because they're not very good at it. So you end up doing them all over again. But they ever first go at it. They get rid of most of the grease. I think I'm busy for a bit as well. Yeah, and they feel like, ooh, Auntie Dawn's bribing us again. But that works well. I suddenly want to mention to you just because I've never said it before. Yes. Going back to boarding school. Did I review go to boarding school?

No. No. Okay. I went to boarding school because my dad was in the RAF and so, you know, the RAF pay for you to go. So you're suddenly with other post girls that you're not a post girl. It's all very weird. But anyway, the school I went to was an ex-convent and there was a refactory. And at the end of the school day, you would go into the refectory and

The table was laid out for you to have you would have Bread and butter and jam. This is what you had at the end of the day of milk, you know tea This is before you sucked this end of day food. So when I first went there very nervous about being there What was I 12 or something and Missing my mom and dad like mad, they were missing me to, I have to say, the parents cried the rise out every time, every first day of term.

And I was told there's a loud come home, any moment I wanted to. So it wasn't like a horrible punishment. But anyway, we're going into the refinery. And there were the plates with the butter on, cold butter, chopped up, which I didn't understand the rules of this. So I thought this was cheese. And I just ate the butter. And because I was caught doing it by somebody watching me to see

how I would deal with it, I had to pretend that's what I do. So I had to keep on eating the butter. And I will never forget it. Was that an adult caught you? No, another kid, you know, as slightly So I had to keep on eating the butter. And I will never forget it. Was that an adult caught you? No, another kid, but you know, a slightly mardy kid, you know, is watching and thinking, you've got that wrong, haven't you? So I had to bet, no, I haven't got it wrong.

I've got it very right. Yeah. You've got it wrong. I eat butter, that's what I do. It's preferable to be the person who eats butter. Yes. Then it is to admit that you got something right. Absolutely. Yeah.

But then you got to eat another one and then another one looking right in the eye. Yeah. Every day for seven years. My name's Don and I eat cold butter. Lots of it. I love it. Your dream side dish, don't here.

I go again just being a great big old tub. I think it's got to be chips, I'm sorry. Now there are arguments about this in my household. Husband makes big fat ones, which are delightful and three times cooked. I think because he saw that on a menu once and thought that. Yeah, it's the fact I think because he saw that on a menu once and thought that it's the fact I think. Right. Yeah, yeah. And he claims it's better for you because there's more potato and you dip them in the fat more of, but I like the very, very thin, the little tiny thin ones that I'm very bad for you. Yeah. String chips. I think a one thing called. Oh, right. Those

ones are really thin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I like. Impossible to make at home. That's why I would have it because you're going to Jeannie up for me. So think about what I'm eating. Pasti with chips on the side. Straight to hospital, frankly. Have you had your beans on toast? Yeah, I've had my beans on toast. Christmas, Christmas, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Go having that during the year. Like it's normal and okay, save it for Christmas. Yeah, is there enough gravy in the pastie to dip chips?

No, no, not really unless gravy and pasties quite a moot point as I say because it is I have known people to put some clotted cream in there. I've known people to make gravy. They pour on no, I'm not going that guy. I'm not boiling at that. Yeah, try holding that in your bosom. The ginsengas guys just looking around the stands. You're there with the gravy boat. Just pouring it down. I don't think gravy belongs on pasties at all. But and then she'd been moist. Sorry to use that word on the inside, but not really that seems to allow you could. Yeah, you, if you like, dip chips in ketchup, or ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together. I know it's like, marirose sauce isn't it? Yeah, but it's not the actual marirose, it's the

it's the builders version. I'm all for that. Yeah. So would you like that with your dream meals and ketchup and mayo? Oh yes, I would have ever allowed that. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that would come with the stringy chips. Yes. Thank you. Salt vinegar. No. Salt, I'm not a huge fan of.

I've got a thing about salt. Why is it always salt and pepper? Why? Why? Yeah, good point. Why is it always that? Good point. And you know, people will tell you,

ooh, the salt enhances the flavour. No, it doesn't. It tastes like salt, doesn't it? It brings out the flavour of. No, it doesn't, it's magic. Apparently, what salt does, and I know this from watching that salt fat acid heat show, is salt just emphasises the flavour that's already there. Yes. That says that, shows says it.

But you can use too much salt, I guess. I believe that, so. I am a guest when I see, like, grown-up chefs putting handfuls of salt in. It's mad, isn't it? I don't like it. I'm not sure it's good for you. Look at me, I eat really good food, as you can tell. But I would put a tiny bit of salt in what's inside that past year.

I would enjoy that tiny, tiny amount. But if I'm tasting salt over the actual flavour of the food, and most food has its own proper flavour, I don't think we're used to what the flavours are anymore without the salt. Yeah, I think it's mad when you see what restaurant chefs put in. The amount of salt and butter they put in.

Salt and cream. And cream. Yeah. It is shocking. And sugar for desserts. Yeah, we can see the making the dessert and there's free pouring the bucket of sugar with the pudding. Oh, yeah.

But rather, you've reacted to it in a way of saying, well, that's too much salt. I don't do that at home and my food's fine. Yeah. But rather you've reacted it to it in a way of saying, well, that's too much salt. I don't do that at home and my food's fine. Yes. Whereas what I've done is now when I cook at home, I put as much salt in as a restaurant show. No, no, please stop that immediately. I love it.

Do you think you're a salt addict? Yeah, definitely a salt addict. Are you? I'm sure. Yeah. Okay. I have a big like tub of flaky salt, molten sea salt. Yeah.

And in one of those like sealed things with a catch on it. Yeah. And I pop that open. I love listening to you. Oh, we're going. Here we go. With every meal. Yeah, yeah.

Before tasting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, certainly, like if I'm having eggs in the morning, that's, I'm, I'm, I sort of get it on eggs. I sort of get that. It's a polysid, it should absolutely be this. And so very sparing. Where are you with pepper?

I like pepper. Yeah, but got a big black pepper grinder. Love a bit of that. But, isn't, don't you think it's a bit boring? Like, oh, I've made my meal salt salt salt salt pepper pepper pepper. I find that. Nobody's thinking of other things. Why don't you go, oh, licorice? You know, why don't they go chocolate instead? Well, they're always those two. Always, I think it's a hangover from preserving stuff with salt or something and getting used to that taste. I was given I've been given two things a bit my I think I probably mentioned this on the podcast before but my mom got me this is what have many Christmas presents. Yeah, it wasn't my main Christmas present but it was a salt garlic and chili grinder. Okay. Yeah. So then I just used that on every, it was like a it was the best thing ever. Yeah. Just using salt is very boring to me. Yeah.

Just want to use that. Yeah. Well, you've, you've moved on from so good. Yeah. And someone once gave me from Trader Joe's in America, it was like a chilly and lime salt. And I started using that in a lot of especially. That sounds quite exotic. I just put it on avocados. Yeah. With a scoop. And like I can't have a card on half and just put that salt on it. Is that lovely? So good. Yeah, just, yeah, just, yeah, just chilly lime and what salt is a chilli lime salt. Yeah, in one thing, from them, they sent it to me from a place called Trader Joe's, so the supermarket. Would they

send it to me from Trader Joe's? Where could I buy it? I bet it's somewhere online, but also if you say, my name is Dawn French, I would like that since my house, please, I'm going to be a... You'd be surprised. All doors closed. But salt, honestly, I think is the anime, sorry. That's okay. So you'll be coming to me when you're 66, you're all mad and I listen to you. Look at me. Look at my flaking skin. Look at that.

I've got no tea. All my ears have gone in with my tiny, tiny ears. I just, just crack back inside my head. I have a need to start with the nose. Or because of the salt I've got an in liver left, my legs are fallen off, or because of salt. I hope that doesn't happen to Ed. Thanks. That's nice.

We have a friend. He will feel very unhappy. He would, he would. If he had no body. Yes. Yes. Sometimes, when he takes photos of us and weirdly, He will feel very unhappy. He would. If he had no body. Yes. Sometimes he takes photos of us and weirdly makes it look nothing like he looks in real life. What happens to you with the photos?

And Ed will say it will be like, oh god, oh Jesus Christ! So if Ed actually did that in real life, I... Are you vain Ed? Yeah, probably. You're handsome. You're both handsome. I'm very one. When I look at the photo, it's beneath our stake because he makes me.

What do you do? What does he do? Oh, well, you haven't got my husband. He used to be redhead when he was young. So he's now very white. So he's got quite white eyebrows, white hair. Does double up for Father Christmas occasionally, but hasn't got the actual real beard, but puts it on at Christmas, you know, for the kids at his work. Anyway, he, oh, I've told people that now, oh, the kids at work will know, no, no, it's

fair minutes. It's the CEO, it's not actually Father Christmas anyway. When anyone takes a bit of him, it disappears. Yeah. It's just like a whisper, like Casper has gone. I like that. I like that. He's just not even in the picture. But that's not what happens to you. What happens to you in the picture? I just look like a different guy. Yeah, he just suddenly.

And I was walked going on though. All his proportions just go all over the place. What happens to your face? I don't like it either, but I just accepted, oh, that's just Ben, I'll bend take my photo, whatever. Well, we can do it. Where is that just like, what the fuck, I'm the sexist man alive, what the fuck am I doing? I never said that. Is he done?

We will take a photo after this episode. Yeah, and then we'll look at it. And then we'll look at it. Show me your photo face. I'll describe it to this. I do a silly face for the podcast. It's a big smiley face. Oh, no.

He's doing a sort of gleeful. I don't really have a photo face. And I always panic when people take photos of this. Oh, no. Yeah, I don't like that. He's doing a sort of gleeful, I don't really have a photo face. And I always panic when people take photos of me. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you my rule of thumb with this, which hasn't been successful. I don't know. This is another trottingness of me.

Is that when I was very small, my grandmother told me that I was at my very best when I smiled with every single tooth in my head. I, that, that, so I've always done it. I still do it now. It's bad. It's very bad. I haven't even got great teeth. I can't be bothered to do. I'm quite nice teeth, but they're quite quiet. Could you do that? I do. I've seen loads of photos of you. My whole life. Grimacing. No, but I think it's a very nice smile, Dawn. I have always thought I would

associate you with, if someone said to me, what's Dawn French's teeth very nice mild on and I have always thought I would associate you with it Someone said to me what's going on for just teeth like I say immaculate Why are you asking that question? Yeah, but you go what you want to know something else. Let's go I don't know if we're going off piece here something about my teeth at the moment quite alarming Covid came along didn't it My husband front line worker helps people with it were in a pickle with drugs and alcohol and all that sort of stuff. I'll leave his card here. Because he was given two choices, either live at work, with lots of people who were not distancing and whatever because they're all in a bit of a pickle, or go home, do not touch your wife and sleep

in another room. So he chose the latter, right? So we had this very weird few months, where it's in a different room at night. And I did not like this at all. So I found my comforts in returning to childhood. By every night, and this is, I'm talking about after brushing my teeth, afterwards, right? Five chocolate eclair tofies.

Always five, why? Don't know, can'tfies. Always five. Why? Don't know. Can't answer you. Bit weird. Lined up then. I think, oh, come on tonight, French. Tonight is the night you only have four.

Come on. Let's go four. Let's go three. Let's go two. Let's go one. Let's go none. Let's win. Win yourself off.

How long ago was COVID? Two years, three years. Well, 2020 was the big kickoff, wasn't it? 2020. So we're now in 2023. So let's say three whole years. Yeah. How many days is that? To know, 365 days, three years, 900, there's a million, a million days.

Five tofies every single day. So you're still doing it. So my still doing it. Can't stop. He's back in the bed and I'm still doing it. And he has to wait. I said, just wait. I'm on toffee. Number three, I'll be with you shortly. And that's now my teeth have gone smaller.

No, no, no, it's white. You've been on smaller. My teeth have been smallened by the sugar in the toffee. Everything's gone wrong with the teeth. Because I'm favoring the sugar over the husband. When I'm thinking sugar or husband sugar or husband, oh, both. Did he know you were doing that before? Before we could come back?

I said, look, this is what's going on. You're not there. And so I'm turning to sugar for my nutrients, for my comforts. And he went, oh, okay. This, well, we don't know how long COVID's gonna last, but okay. And then, when he was back in, I tried to sneakily do it.

I don't know if you've ever tried to open a chocolate eclair sneakily. So then what I started to do was... The noisy package, and that's... It's noisy. I actually unwrapped them early in the evening and put them in the drawers, and I would just move the drawer and put them in the other way, not this. Pretend to be scrolling or something, but I'm really...

And there is the chewy noise... You can't answer questions if you've got an answer. You can't answer questions. Well, I don't get asked a lot of questions at bedtime. Do you? Oh, God. Like, could you leave now? Yeah, yeah.

You can say that. I apparently, I can't believe this, because it's not Ladylike, do do a bit of snoring, apparently. Well, everyone does. He does. But when I'm doing my snoring, this is the noise that I hear. This is how I know I'm doing snoring because he does this noise. Do you think that's all right?

Yeah, in the night. Yeah. Because that apparently brings me out of the sleep enough to stop the snoring. And I'm very annoyed. I'm part of the REM sleep. I'm like, oh, the stabs go up there. Oh, I'm back again. And apparently, then I'm snorkeling for another hour. So he's doing what he considers to be a considerate thing? Yes. Because he doesn't wait you out fully, but it's not. My answer is go to the other room. If you hear that, please. Yeah, yeah, you loved that other room during Cali.

They'd wait you going like, yeah. Have you considered half having a toffee and sticking your teeth together? That might stop the snoring. Is it the teeth that makes the snoring? I don't know. Isn't it your u-fula? Sorry to use that word. That's right.

At the back of your throat, is it all that? Is it septum? No, it's septum. No, it's septum. No, septum is that thing. I think it might be that tonsil-y-y-y-y-y thing that's hanging down at the back. Or is that just girls? Or is that just me?

Would that be awful if I find out that I was the only person who had tonsils in the world? Nobody has had them. And I had some kind of prehistoric hanging-skins thing in the back of my throat. And everybody else said, what would you mean? What do you mean? You call it what, tonsils? That would be so bad if you fell in that. I mean, flushing your throat.

How'd you eat? It's. Flashing your throat. How'd you eat? It's a flap in your throat. Anyway. Your dream drink, Dawn French. Well, well, this is... I'm going to plug something now because it actually genuinely is my dream drink. This is cider made by my best friend's husband. It's called foy valley cider.

And it's just the best. These apples are grown in the foy valley down in Cornwall where I live. And this cider, you know, this cider isn't there, and then there's cider. There's rough cider that, you know, cider you steal from people, cider you use to try and numb the regret, cider you use to try and find that ugly boy attractive. That sort of cider. So cider to try and get over everything. It's not that, it's not rough, it's beautiful and light and oh, it's heavenly. Castle door, foy valley cider, that's what I would have. It just goes with everything it's absolutely divine. Is it a sweet cider or a dry cider?

Yeah, it's not, it's not sweet and it's not dry. It's whatever that is. Swi? Swi. Or a treat. Treat. Yeah, it's somewhere in there. He probably will argue this with me.

He probably would call it one or the other. But I'm not so fond of the sweet and I'm not so fond of the dry, but I love this. Is that something in the middle? Lovely. Yeah, I'm not like really a cider guy, but I found one type of cider that I just think is the best drink.

What is that? A little bit of a set. Yeah, yeah. Henley's vintage cider, which is the cider that's kept in whiskey barrels, the flavor of that gets into the cider. Oh, hello. It's like it's own drink, and I'm, you're loving it. That was it.

Yeah, and that was a very nice my on our hundred pepper So we got to do our own menus and I couldn't remember where I'd had this side of before I Healy's healy's not Henley as soon as Ben looked at me. I was like it was the ever option Yeah, and Henley's or he leaves in my head. Yeah, but that was the thing We're a hundred pepper so I couldn't remember where it was from or what it was called But I remember I had this side once once and then the listeners helped track it down. And so are you drinking it regularly now? No, but I did get sent some, they very kindly sent me some.

So he's run out and that's why he's mentioning it again. And I'll mention it again. Okay, well I can help you with the foy valley. I cannot help you with the heli's or headlinks. Do a little experience. What's yours out of interest? I don't really drink cider. No. Are you an alcohol

drinker? Yes, I'm an alcohol drinker very much. But cider is tricky, sorry, I'm going to be boring now, James, because I'm type one diabetics. I don't tend to have anything to support this. Cider can be so sweet that it would just ruin a night out for me if I started drinking. Pretty much all alcohols got lots of sugar. Not as much as cider. So what is your table? Red wine is my normal go-to. I like, you know, martinis and things like that. And they tend to, they're the things I like the most,

but also tend to be on the lower sugar. When you were saying about the acclares earlier, mine, and it unlocked a memory of you. Oh. But I, I didn't know. I was like, wow, so I was imagining you eat in the Eclipse. It's very visual. You've got a very visual mind.

I was like, well, you were doing some Mimes as well. Yeah, it was. I was, sorry. So I'm now trying to remember what it was. I think it was Jack and Norrie. I think you were doing a Jack and Norrie story about someone working in like a chocolate shop or something. And in front of the customer, eat in the chocolates and looking at them. Oh my goodness

And mine in that is that a thing you did that I thought sounds right, but I can't think what the story I definitely did Jack and Ori yeah, I don't know what the story was but I would have definitely if it I'm always eating I'm a man be doing a mine of they look at the customer dead in the eye Yeah, and then they pick a chocolate out and then eat the and the mind was so good. Well, I'm experienced. Chocolate loving boy. I was like, you know, chocolate looks good even though it was not there. Yeah. Benito, Daisy pick a keep shop. Thank you. There you go. And they eat the chocolate in front of the customer. That's right. Absolutely right. It's just unlocked that memory for you.

Can you imagine being me and somewhere in your 30s, I think, someone says, would you like to get paid for eating chocolate oranges? Oh, yeah. Of course, we have even just that. They didn't even, they missed a trick there. I would have paid them. Yeah, yeah. And that's like sort of my Christmas signifier. Is the Tariq chocolate orange? Yeah. In the bottom of the stocking. Every year, bottom of the stocking. I don't know about that. They've recently come up with a Terry's Chocolate Mint. No.

No, no, no. Stop it. Stain your lane. Yeah. Stain your lane. It's the shape of a fucking orange. What you do. Yeah, exactly.

No, once that. But imagine that job. I was bereft when it finished. Yeah. I bet you were. Yeah, bereft. We can't rely on advertising campaigns. Can you, you can't count on them. No.

They come, they go, they're fickle as hell. But at the moment, I'm involved with M&S. I'm a little fairy that flies all over the M&S food. I'm like, oh, look at this. Maples, covered sugar, turkey crown with, so I do that. Yeah. Every Chris, I've done it for the last three Christmas's. That's pretty good, isn't it? And I've different, first year it was with Percy Piggy was Tom Holland. Second year it was with Duckie the dog chew toy which was Jennifer Saunders. This year I'm not even allowed to tell you who it is.

It's so exciting. I've signed an NDA. Wow. How excited are you now? Very excited. I'm guessing it must be Eva Marker, Spencer themselves. It's so exciting. I'm signed an NDA. Wow. How excited are you now? Very excited. I'm guessing it must be even Mark or Spencer themselves. It is a couple of people. I'll just leave that begin. If Mark's and Spencer wanted to be truly Christmassy this year, they have used a fairy flying over some baked beans and salad. They would if they were true to Mike Christmas, but they're all about Christmas day really. And honestly, I can't. Again, this is a job where people come to say,

do you mind if we pay you to come and pretend to be a fairy and look at all this lovely food and then we'll send you some of it, a Christmas? Yeah, yes. Yeah. Give me, just give me no minutes to talk to think about this. Yes.

The dream just that we're kind of already there. We're talking about all these wonderful sweet. Weirdly enough, what I think I would like. I know it's slightly ponsient at the moment and people are doing this, but I do this in my house all the time. And I would like it in a slightly posh version. I think it's called Correct Me, Asset of Desserts. I've got that right. I think it means when you've got lotsi-et of desserts. I've got that right. I think it means when you've got lots of little bite-sized versions of a little tiramisu, a little coconutty thing, a little chocolatey thing, lots of different,

I like that because I like to have coffee at the same time, black coffee, because at the same time, directly before going to bed, which I can do, because I've got the body mastered absorb it. And also my mother used to bring us coffee straight before bed. I can drink coffee as well. Absolutely. Can you go to the spa? Respect back up again.

Yeah, thank you. I love the baby's and the back up again. I can't do it. Oh, God. No, you've been in there. It's a rollercoaster for respect, loss and winning. But can you imagine a little board or a plate or whatever fancy thing you want to bring, but with the little bite size version of about five or six different buildings?

Is it called an assi-et? It is a palette. Ah, there you go. I've seen that in my last one. So take us through what the little bites are. Well, I would always have a tiramisu and that have a little lemon marangue thing and I have something chocolatey, not poncy chocolate, but some kind of little chocolate moussey something or other. Something pistachio, canola kind of thing.

Oh nice, yeah, something like that, that would be enough, that's enough, that's great, that's not over it now. And we're full of pasties. Yeah, exactly, it's too late now, she's bred. A single segment of Tavis chocolate orange. Oh, go on. Go on. Sit there. You can't make very nice cakes out of those, go on. Go on. Sit there.

You can't make very nice cakes at those, by the way. Yeah. They're very good for melting. Fondue, that's another thing. I have one friend amongst my daughters' friends by melting chocolate and putting the full children by making chocolate fondue, but you put fruit on the side. So they've somehow eaten fruit, also,

and marshmallow. Yeah, you eat marshmallow. And biscuits. So they're somehow eating fruit, also animal. And biscuits. But they're different. They're different. They're dipping the fruit when they've run out of the Mollers and biscuits. And you win the friends over with that, because they ask if they can come again,

they say to their parents, she makes a brilliant pudding. When the kids go on to bed, you reheat it, but you add brandy. Oh, nice. Hello. Yes. And get rid of the fruit. I'll leave you a menu back to you now, don't say how you feel about it. Okay. You would like sparkling water.

Yes. You would like satin cheese bread at your bread course. Yes. Data, you want thinly sliced ripe pear with magic ham and balsamic drizzlet. Some cushion on it's in the middle of the tag. Correct. Main course beef skirt pasty made by your mother. Christmas meal, you would like Christmas Eve beans on toast with marmite grated cheese and salad cream. Side dish, the string fries, with ketchup and mayo mixed together. Drink, castle door, foulie, foulie.

Foy, please say Foy, Foy, Valle, cider. Yes. Desert, assayette of desserts, timid mousse, lemon meringue, chocolate mousse, pistachio canolae, tevers chocolate orange, and a black coffee. Correct, all of that is good. That sounds good.

That sounds fantastic, menu. Thank you. That's very, very good. I feel very full, don't you? Yes, but don't forget, you'll be going to bed after that meal and eating five chocolate clothes before. Oh, you know, I would directly after that.

And I will tonight, I bet you'll think of me tonight. I will. When you're going to sleep and when you're breaking your teeth you think after this. Yes. Five tofies. Yeah. Also like yeah your husband just trains to you know help people combat addiction. So surely he should be able to help you stop this coffee. I'm a lost cause. Completely a lost cause. He was at work for the whole pandemic, and he let it all to the known his own house. Oh no, it was all going on. I'm a filthy filthy junkie.

All the doors full of junkie. Thank you so much, Dawn. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Dawn. Thank you for having me. Well, there we are, James. I mean, a special one for us, I think. There you go. We can tick that off the... That's an achievement, Ed.

Absolutely. Speaking to Dawn French about her dream menu. And what a dream menu. She spoke to us. She spoke to us. She spoke back to us. She looked at us. Yeah, she looked at us. We're hanging out. We're best mates now. Yeah. Very exciting. And lovely menu and lovely little Christmas chat as well, James, because it's Christmas. Yeah, and also Dawn did not pick Marmite Kakes, so we didn't have to kick about that.

We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't have to kick about that. We didn't by Dawn French, published by Michael Joseph. And hey, if you're in a book by and mood, why don't you get Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy by Ed Gamble, me, a life of mistakes, no regrets.

There are a lot of mistakes in it actually. Yeah, but no regrets. I know regrets at all. Yeah. This is a special message from the great Benito as read by Ed Gamble. Benito would like to thank Franco Manca, the fantastic pizza makers for providing pizzas

for the plosive Christmas party. He loved the pizzas. Thank you so much for sending them Franco Manca. You guys are the best. Well, Ed, I hope you have a good festive season or I'll maybe I'll be seeing you again soon for another Christmas special. Yeah, maybe next week even James.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off-Menu podcast. Happy holidays. Happy holidays! Happy holidays, motherfuckers! Morty. Hello, I'm Sarah Pasco, and I'm Carrie Adloid. You might remember us from the peak of our careers, appearing on the excellent Off Menu podcast. It's the greatest we've ever felt and we know we'll never achieve that again, but if you remember those episodes and enjoyed what we did, you might be a fan of our book choices and our new comedy podcast, Sarah and Carrie ads,

Weirdo's Book Club. Imagine us not talking about food but talking about books. But with the comedians you know from off menu, like Nish Kumar, Junker and Sopie Jooka and more. We're not copying them, we're doing our own thing. It's totally different. We're in books. It's about books. There's no genies involved.

It's a space for the lonely outsider to feel accepted and appreciated. I just like James A. Custer's bedroom. Ew. A place for the person who'd like to be in awheel book club, but doesn't like wine or nibbles. You can read along, share your opinions, or just skull-corrown to your raincoat like the weirdo you are. Thank you for reading with us. We like reading with you.

We're ending one as well. you