Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 227: John Robins (Live in Bristol)

Episode Date: February 24, 2024

Our Bristol residency concludes with Radio 5 Live DJ and vibe-magnet John Robins. But James has a train to catch…Trigger warning: this episode contains chat about alcohol addiction and calories. Listen to Elis James and John Robins on Radio 5 Live or wherever you get your podcasts.Follow John on Instagram @nomadic_revery and Twitter @nomadicreveryRecorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Bristol Hippodrome.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're listening to right now. I'm here to tell you that I am on tour. UK and Ireland tour, Hot Diggity Dog is the name of the show. It's starting on March the 12th, going all over to lots of places. Go to edgamble.co.uk to buy tickets for what I believe is a very funny show. We'll have a nice time. See you there. Bye. Hot Diggity Dog! Thank you, James. Well, welcome back to the off menu live tour show episode. But the bonuses. And this is the second of our Bristol Hiper

Joem residency. Residencies. Yeah. Yeah. It was recorded at the Bristol Hiper Joem on the 12th of October, 2023 with our brilliant guest, John Robbins. John Robbins. We love John Robbins so much. Very excited to hear. We'd already had Alice James. We'd already had Alice James. Time to complete the set. That's what you have to do. If you want to get John, you have to put up with Alice first. Yeah, it's the package deal. Yeah, yeah. So luckily it came good and we got what we wanted out of the deal.

Yes, we did. And we got John. We got Bobbins. Yeah. There's callbacks as always for the first half. Please don't worry about that. Don't get your knickers in the twist. Don't worry about it.

And the audience on the night as a secret ingredient for John chose baked beans. Baked beans, which is quite big. It's quite a big secret ingredient for John chose baked beans baked beans which is quite big it's quite a big secret ingredient the musical fruit so you know John likes music John likes music John has a very good routine about farting so who knows what would John say when we know we were there yes this is the Off Menu Menu Live of John Robbins. John Robbins. John Robbins. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the lasagna sheets of humour, pouring over the Bolognese sauce of the internet, adding the bechamel of friendship and creating a podcast lasagna which is a fucking pie unlike the ones in pubs!

LAUGHTER CHEERING That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Casar. Together we own a dream restaurant. In every single week, we invite a guest in to choose their favourite ever, start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... ..John Robin! CHEERING Very exciting. I drink not in that order. And this week our guest is John Robin. John Robin.

Very exciting. Very exciting. Very exciting. Very exciting to finally have John on the podcast. It's a long time coming. We cannot wait to hear John's choices. You all know the secret ingredient already. Keep that in your heads.

But for now, here it is. The off menu menu of John Robin. The off menu menu of John Robin. Robin! Yes! APPLAUSE Well, it's our first... Of course, I should have known the first live guest to bring a printout of his menu with him.

LAUGHTER Yes, I did it on my laptop and it's all center aligned like a proper menu. Sorry. Oh sorry yeah. Has he done a guff? We can't start now sorry. Yes because James is a genie so we can't he needs to make his proper entrance. John, feel free if you want to rub the lamp, otherwise the audience can rub the lamp with their minds. Would you like to physically rub the lamp? Or should we leave that up to the audience's minds? I'd quite like to physically rub the lamp.

Okay, well please, you're most welcome to physically rub the lamp. Which end? It surprised me. It's a very sensitive lamp, so wherever you rub it, it's going to explode. The tips always are good. Well, there's a sort of tawdry option, isn't there? Yes, there is. But I'm not going to start this gig in the gutter.

Unfortunately, we've already done that, John, so... Oh, yeah, I tried to avoid listening earlier, because I didn't want to hear what the secret ingredient was. But I did listen for about two seconds, heard you saying, you fuck a beetroot, makes you dick go red, and then I turn it back. So if you just want to wank off the neck that'd be great cheers. I'm Robin. Oh my gee.

Welcome John Robin to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. of John Robbins to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. CHEERING Very exciting. Big jump out of the lamp that time as well. And I love to see someone rub a lamp and then immediately run away. Well, it was more than I expected.

Yeah. You've really pulled out all the stops here, I have to say. Thank you, John. The banter beforehand was a little bit stressful on the old knees. We've not done much banter while James has been in the lamp before. He's been doing yoga, you know, the guy can squat. You got a bit of lamp cramp. I got some lamp cramp, but it's a bit damp in there. You got some damp lamp cramp. Cramp and it's a bit damp in there. You got some damp lamp cramp.

I got some damp lamp cramp in my mistake. Well, I was just going to say that when I did print my menu, because you don't often print stuff you've written off anymore. I did spend an inordinate amount of time on the fonts. I went through all of the fonts in Word. And there's a lot of them. You get a little preview of them. Some of them look nice in bold.

Some of them lose a bit of the genus say, quite in bold. And I felt like it would it be a matri-dee? Yes. Is that who would type? Because I was learning lots of menu terms as well. Right. What's great about you spending ages on the font is you are the only person who's going to see that.

I gave a copy to Bonito as well. I know what you mean though. I type out word documents for myself, not that I'm gonna print, but like, you know, for work stuff that I know you're gonna see it. And the first hour is just going through the font, choosing the font size, basically just on the title and then I need a break. Anyway, you went with Wingdings and you don't know what your menu is. Yeah, no idea. It's always tempting Wingdings, isn't it?

I say if I pop my head around a restaurant door and I'm deciding whether I want to go there, if the menu's in Comic Sans, there's no fucking chance I'm eating there. That is the worst font for a menu to be in, Discuss. Or anything to be in. To be honest, I don't trust anything in Comic Sans. No. I don't. No.

If I saw anything that was like Comic Sans, I'm not going in there. Even if it was like fire evacuation instructions. Yeah, especially if it's that. If it says fire evacuation doors in Comic Sans, I'll take my chances. Some fucking babies are in it. You wouldn't want the sort of bump on the back of a packet of condoms in kind of such a way.

The bump. Absolutely amazing. How often are you reading the bump on the back of a condom? Well, you know, you like to see what other authors have enjoyed them. I want to get a feel for the sort of characters and stuff. I'll be with you in a minute, dear. I'm just reading the bump. So what major D terms did you learn? Or are you going to tell us that during the course of the meal?

Well, do you want me to sort of reveal the broad stroke of my menu now? Is that what you say when you're reading the back of the condom? Oh, God, I love humour. I do. Yes. I'm on tour at the minute, and you've just reminded me why I do my job. Yeah.

Because I hate what I'm doing. You did proper friend for Flintstone Legs there. Yabba-dabba-do stuff. You can reveal the broad strokes if you want to. We don't know what's on there. So, like, we probably can't dictate when would be a good time to deliver the board's drugs. John, the good news or the bad news?

Oh, let's go for the good news first, followed by the bad news. The good news is I've really, really thought about it. Great, yes. I mean, that's not news to us. You printed the fucking thing out. We can see that. This is the first time this has happened. We haven't had a chat at the top of any of the other podcast episodes we've had about selecting the font.

The bad news is... is 12 courses. A lot of respect here. Some people who aren't clapping who have train times in their house can see a few people going, not ideal for me. They can rattle through some of those clauses that would help me out. Well we can do because it's a taster menu is what it is. Yes, but go up Robin, just take your because if anything, I would love to make Damien late home.

Now, of course, 12 courses does feel like it goes against the format of the podcast somewhat, John, would you say? Well, do you know what I figured was it's a dream restaurant, right? This is not a real restaurant. And I was thinking... LAUGHTER They're pretty disrespectful, but go on. LAUGHTER But it's a... Now, what I mean is... No, John, you're right. ..it's a restaurant of the mind... Yes.

..where anything is possible. Yes. So... Apart from breaking out of the strict course form. LAUGHTER I'm sorry, am I the only one who saw me explode out of a fucking lamp? So I was thinking about you know, what are my favorite meals from restaurants on my favorite meals I cook and I and when I was putting them together I thought well, I could just that's that's not a dream restaurant. That's a day in London Hmm and a hundred quid which I'm not willing to spend

And the stuff I like that I cook at home, I can cook at home. So what I've gone for is all the things I know I will never be able to taste again. So it's either quite specific in time, stuff that there's no way I could track down, or stuff that I no longer eat, it's that. So it is literally, if I turn up to my dream restaurant and I could go through a trip through all the things I know..y'r ystod, mae'n dweud. Felly, mae'n dweud, mae'n dweud i'r ystod yma'r ystod... ..y'r ystod o'r cyfnod o'r ddweud...

..o'r ddweud, mae'n dweud... ..o'r ddweud o'r ddweud. Mae'n dweud i'r ystod o'r ddweud... ..y'r ddweud o'r ddweud. Yn y fwy yw'r ddweud, ac yn ymwneud... ..y'r ddweud... ..y'r ddweud yma'n dweud yn ymwneud... Yn ymwneud, mae'n dweud... going to be very sad. There is one where I'm going to cry. At least what I'm sure.

You should have fucking laminated that menu, mate. When we did our dream menu, said tonight, for the 200 episodes, we chose multiple courses, more so than usual. But we did that by employing the hacks that past guests had utilized. So we will see as we go along through this what sort of hacks you're employing, if there's stuff that have been allowed in the podcast before, fair enough. And we'll give that to the audience as well as we go along as well, because you're here, we've got to utilize you.

If we can just allow, I would like a y menu, ac mae'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n ddysgu'n dd Also that question, we want both answers please. I would like sparkling conversation and still water because I don't trust people who like sparkling water. I love just looking around and a lot of happy people clapping that, but everyone not clapping it. Absolutely like you just said you were a Tory. Oh, a Tory would full on go sparkling. Yeah, they would.

Yeah, sparkling is for Tories. Is there a worse sensational feeling in the world of drinking than when you are super, super thirsty, you grab a plastic bottle of water you down It turns out it's sparkling and you're like I want to call the police This feels disgusting. It's in no way hydrating and this is a very unpleasant sensory experience I'd say swallowing a cocktail umbrella is the That's the only thing I'd put above it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done it, man.

Well, imagine swallowing a cocktail umbrella out of a bottle of sparkling water when you're very thirsty on a hot summer's day. No, I wouldn't like it. No. You've convinced me. Sometimes I like sparkling water, but not anymore. I also don't trust people who don't like tea and coffee. And that is only made worse if hot chocolate is their drink

of choice, which I find genuinely disturbing. There will be some people. This is Bristol, so that statistically, there's a lot of people here who just drink hot chocolate. That is right. I've met people. You go, do you want to tea or coffee? And they go, yeah, hot chocolate, please. Yeah, absolutely

mad. It's not. It's you're allowed that on bonfire night or Christmas. Yeah. Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I looked it up like a Costa hot chocolate with whipped cream is 480 calories. Yeah. Imagine if you're having three of those a day. No one's having three hot chocolate people. There are people for whom it is they go to. With whipped cream. Yes, marshmallows. Who do you know who's ever done that? A day.

I'm pretty sure Star of Beef and Dairy Network and Three Bean Salad Ben Partridge is a hot chocolate guy. He's not waking up in the morning and being like don't talk to me until I've had my hot chocolate with whipped cream. I think of Ben Partridge every time I have corn on the cob. That's true. I went round someone's house once and Partridge was eating corn on the cob of it was eating corn on the cob. Someone said,

He ate corn on the cob, Ben. He went, yes, I just thought to myself, it's been a while since I've had corn on the cob. So I've had corn on the cob. And they went, oh, very nice. And I think of that every time I have corn on the cob. What a weird conversation to have witnessed as well. Firstly, you're fucking starting it off weird, walking up to someone eating corn on the cob

and going, are you eating corn on the cob? Yes, I thought the other day I hadn't had corn on the cob for a while, so now I'm eating it, just like two robots pretending to be human. It was his entire meal. Genuinely, was just eating corn on the cob. I love corn on the cob, it's a very good example of the theory of calorific availability, What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think?

What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think?

What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think?

What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? not all of it staying indoors. So were you to eat an entire meal of corn on the cob? Yeah. You'd feel nice and full, but actually you'd be saving a bit cow wise because you don't digest half of it. Pop that was all bread!

Pop that was all bread, Johnny Rubbings! Pop that was all bread! Well... Really scared you there, didn't you? Yeah, really, really, really scared you there, didn't he, Sam? Yeah, really, really, really scared me. I've never seen him scared before. That's the first time I've seen him scared. Yeah.

Just quickly, Ian, are you all right after that? LAUGHTER I tried to give you a little heads up, brother. Just a little look at you, it's coming in. Well, it's bread. Yeah. And I... CHEERING I'm going to eat it. Just a little look at you. It's coming in

Well, it's bread Yeah, and I 77% of you should be cheering right now. I'd tell you for why yeah, because I've got a very specific rule whenever I have a curry Which is I never ever ever order poppadons Wait for it! Never ever ever order Poppadoms, instead I order two curries. Okay. Also, you never ever order rice, am I right? Well, you see rice as a con with curries and you get very passionate about that.

Well, I see carbs as a con in all forms of cuisine. Apart from...con on the cob. Apart from con on the cob. No, I don't...I will share a rice, share a naan. Con on the cob. That's my golden rule. If you're going for a curry with meat, we're sharing a rice, sharing a naan. Because I'm not...I'm not filling up on carbs

when there is curry and play. Yeah. So I'll have, thank you. I'll either have a starter and two curries or a side and two curries. And I won't even finish half a rice or half an arm because I want the prime cuts, those juicy sauces. ac yn ymddiol, rydyn ni'n gwybod y gallwn i'w ddweud yng ngyfaint yng ngyfaint yng Nghymru, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymddiol, yn ymd but cooking curry in his kitchen. Wow, that escalated. Yeah. It's all down.

How long have you and Al been together now? Me and Al... I've never met Adrian. Me and Al have the sort of bond that only a curry master and his student can have. But once you learn how to cook an actual curry that you get in a curry house, the world of curries... Specifically curries.

Just opens up. Because it's like, oh, what's my favorite one? It's just a different set of spices. Oh, it's just a little bit less of this and a bit more of that. So you can have any curry you want. Unfortunately, because my house is very small, when I make the base gravy, which is a whole day's work and it's great fun, the whole place stinks of onions for two weeks. But I've come to accept that.

No one else ever comes into my house, so it's fine. There's the sad story. Ha ha ha ha ha. Here we go. Sad story number one. If you don't keep a tally, it's how stinks of onions for two weeks, but it doesn't matter to know when it ever comes to see it.

Ha ha ha ha ha. weeks, but it doesn't matter to know whenever it comes to see it. Ding, chalk it up. And his friends with somebody watched on YouTube. Somehow that's sad as well. Is that two sad stories or are we going with that as one story? I think it's one story. There's a lot of little sad bits in there. So, bread. What kind of bread are you having? Well... I want to be able to dip it in a bit of olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

I want it to be really nice balsamic vinegar. You know, it's thick. Like a supermarket would sell this as a drizzle, but it ain't a drizzle. This is just how thick balsamic vinegar can be. And I actually want the olive oil to be slightly bitter, and I want the balsamic vinegar can be yeah, and I actually want the olive oil to be slightly bitter Hmm, and I want the balsamic vinegar to be super sweet. Yeah, and I'm gonna be mixing those up I'll be playing with ratios John yeah, I don't think you heard the question. What fucking bread do you want?

Not have you ever had a freesome? I don't have to answer that question. No, I already know the answer. I'll be with you in a wish. I didn't Well, it'd be another sad story The truth is he nearly had one but he was reading the bump for too long. No. Well, ready to go, let's go, lady. You made me laugh so much I haven't got a part button. This is the only one in the meal. Bread-wise, I just want a really crusty, doughy white bread and like,

facaccia, but not one that makes you feel like you've just sort of eaten a fried breakfast. I don't want it too oily. We had some banging facaccia today at Sunny Stores. What a restaurant. Great. What great facaccia, not too oily, little bit, little bit of oil, but really fluffy and warm in the middle. What was it that they bought out before the whole meal that we didn't order that they just bought out? I can't remember the name of it now, but it was like a chickpea

pancake. Is that what you were talking about earlier? Say the name of it again? Farenate. It was like a chickpea pancake. Oh, lovely. Absolutely delicious. I was seriously thinking about them afterwards and thinking about how they might be on my dream menu. Yeah, yeah. Because they were good from that place.

Sorry, John, it's your time. But on the focaccia, like some quite chunky salt crystals on the top and maybe a bit of rosemary in the general vicinity. So you don't necessarily want it on it? I want to know they've met. But I don't need to know the details of where or what went down. I certainly don't want to be chewing on a rosemary stalk. But I want to be able to say to the bread,

have you met Rosemary? We could arrange that for you. Yeah, we could definitely arrange that. I mean the fact is, I'm not eating any of this bread in the restaurant because I've got 13 courses to get through. You've got a lot of courses there. That would be absolute madness if I filled up on bread here and didn't get through any of this. Yeah, alright. So I'm going to ask you to start now, but I don't know if that's what we're about to be told.

Well, I'm happy if you, because this is your vibe, man. Yeah. I've always said it, this restaurant is your guys' vibe. So if you want to veto anything or get the audience to veto anything, that's fine, but I'm starting with an aperitif. Okay, yeah, yeah, great. We've allowed that hack before, we've done it. Absolutely.

Plenty of times. So bear in mind, these are all things that I know I'm never gonna taste again. My aperitif is banana antibiotics. It is popular. Again, I feel like... I don't want you to feel like I've viewed Bristol as just a fucking place where all babies live. But any date of the tour, that wouldn't have gotten applause.

But tonight... Oh, yeah. You used to get it. I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. Little bottle, it would be in the fridge. I would have last had that in like 1988 or 1989 or something. I remember the taste vividly. It was like pure industrial banana flavour in a form so pure.

Even if you had like one of those foam bananas, it wouldn't come close. Yeah. And I'm never going to have it again for two reasons. Firstly, it would be absolutely bizarre. If I went to my GP and said, I'm ill, but I don't like the tablets. Can I have some of that stuff for you, kids? Secondly, I'm allergic to amoxicillin, which is what? Oh, mate, I didn't know that.

I'm sorry. Is that number two? Is that a sad story two or? Maybe it feels sad for him. So, is it allergic to a mark-to-silin? I think the first few times I had it, I was fine, otherwise I would not remember enjoying the taste, but I just haven't had a penicillin for like eight forever and you know what it's like when you haven't tasted something forever but I thought that would be such a flavour of childhood. Do you

want it in like a shot? Do you want a little shot of it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So that's how you're going to kick off the dream meal. Yeah, do you want it to arrive one shot glass of banana antibiotics? And also if I get an infection at any point during the rest of the meal, I'm going to be okay. Absolutely. It's a weight off your mind. Yeah. Straight out the door.

Joe, I think that's a great choice. I think we've all got, you know, some people might be more cow poll leaning in the room, I mean, cow poll kids, but I think even the cow poll kids can get on board and recognize that nostalgic, just wanting to drink the medicine all the time. Yeah, that's great. A shot of that. That would be amazing if you're in the pub and like your Larry mate goes, who's having shots? They come back with banana antibiotics. Just keeping us all safe guys. Who's allergic to a mocktail ceiling? Be honest. Drink plenty of water. So we're moving on to more things in the realms of starters now. Well, it's...

Is this called starter this next course? No, I did have to Google quite a lot of phrases. Okay. We've got now Flintstones vitamins. So we go from the aperitif to the hors d'oeuvre. Now, I don't think anyone's employed the hors d'oeuvre hack. I think it's a legit hack, though. But it's a legit thing.

I think it would be churlish of us. James has been doing his word of day calendar. You learn hors d'oeuvre, I learn churlish. Well, maybe it's good if you veto when I give you the name of the course before revealing the thing. Yeah. I think hors d'oeuvres. Yeah. Hors d'oeuv thing. Yeah, yeah. I think Hordeurves.

Yeah, Hordeurves, yes. Yeah, what's Hordeurve? Pickled scrumion McCoys. Yeah. Jesus, you could blindfold me. What guest is in with John Roberts? Yeah. Yeah.

McCoys. Very happy to hear McCoys get a shout out though out though. I don't think I've had Pickled What? Well, exactly. Here's the rub. Pickled Scrumion McCoy's were released in 2011 to coincide with the Rugby World Cup. It's another sad story, Lumin. I saw them first at a BP garage, and I thought to myself, John, you are dreaming. Because pickled onions are my favourite flavour of crisp.

McCoy's at the time were my favourite style of crisp. I could not believe it. I think we've all had those moments and that is exciting. And usually when a crisp is limited edition, like there's a few out of the minute and it's all various variations on beef or like Texan barbecue and you know it just gonna taste of paprika and sugar. So I never buy any of that sort of like limited edition stuff. But I thought pickled onion macaws.

Please, pickled scrumion. Pickled scrumion macaws. What would you call them? And I bought three bags and I sat in my car and I tasted heaven. I then of course did what I think we would all do in a similar situation, bought so many bags that I just felt so sick, felt like my skin was drying out, like I was going to have a heart problem, and then they stopped making them at the end of the Rugby World Cup, and I messaged McCoy's on Twitter.

I said, when are they coming back though? And they did one of those sort of slightly annoying sort of messages where they're like, never say never. And I was like, yeah, but when? To be frank, you're lucky you got a reply job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't they come back though? Ignore that. Well, it wasn't from McCoy, him or herself.

I don't know whether it's Sylvester or DP. Is that them jocky? DP McCoy. Race horse owner. Anthony McCoy. Anyway, I don't know who McCoy is, but... It's neither of them. It's neither of them.

They did return for the 2015 World Cup, but as far as I'm aware, they've not returned for subsequent World Cups. So when they returned for the 2015, how did you feel then? A lot of people sent them to me in the post, because I'd gone on so much about them the last time. I tried them again. They were still the most delicious crisps I've ever tasted in my life. And you just want a bag of them?

I don't even want a bag. I'd actually like, because it's an order of, I would just like a little stack of maybe like five in descending like circumference. Just so it looks neat and sort of like nicely presented. Yeah, that's nice. Do you remember what any of the other rugby World Cup flavours were? Oh yeah. Oh no. Oh no.

No. No. No is the answer, no. I was trying to think of rugby puns then, but I don't know much of a rugby champ. All I've got is rugby salted. That's pathetic. Oh that's quite nice. Absolutely pathetic is the word rugby and rugby salted.

Like rugby salted. Rugby salted. They're not doing that one are they? So will Winnegur because you can win? Absolutely pathetic. Well it would have to be a flavour they don't already do so it could be like... Forgot about that. A lasagne rugby. Lasagne rugby? Yeah. La Zan Rugby.

La Zan Rugby. Yeah. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. Yeah. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby.

La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby.

La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. La Zan Rugby. sort of crappy limited edition they would do where it's just like a sort of cheese and sort of beef at a pre-cone. With what you said about the stacking them up, if there was like each layer of the lasagna, it's each different crisp and if you layer them up right. So pasta flavored crisp. Yeah. Bolognese flavor. Yeah, bechamel. Bechamel flavor, maybe like a Parmesan-y one. Well, Parmesan crisps would be nice. I think they exist. Yeah.

God damn it! I was going to make my millions. And it's a lovely hors d'oeuvre. That's a lovely hors d'oeuvre, John, and it's another lovely memory. Yeah, of a short-lived promotional crisp. Ah, memory. So far we've got being ill and eating in your car.

Yeah, do you know what? It's a while till I get to food that I eat with other people. Do you remember when you told us you ate a prawn sandwich at the bin? Yes, I remember when I told you I ate a prawn sandwich out of a bin in confidence. Made you sick. And you were trying to crack the code as to what made you sick on the group. And we all suggested maybe it's that prawn sandwich that you told us you ate at the bin yesterday.

No, because it was a clean bin and it had only been in there for an hour. I will repeat what I said to you at the time because I think I might be allergic to onions. Your next course, John. Well, it's an amuse-bouche. Absolutely. You can have an amuse-bouche. I mean, I think that traditionally comes as the first thing you eat before the order. Amuse your bouche. I think your bouche has been taken through the fucking ringer already, to be honest. It's a banana antibiotics and a pickled onion crisp. You're not tasting any of this, man, you, after that.

But I'll be... Your bush is not laughing. Right. A moose bush, yeah, we'll let you have that. I mean, you know, if you want to switch around the titles after this, you can. This is the order you have with them in. OK.

A moose bush is definitely, we've done that before. Yes. I've done that before. So I've been, I've made a fool of myself In matriosh school by putting them news bush third it should be first yeah if you came out third and said here's an amuse Boosh they would go well this restaurant doesn't know its stuff Yeah, we thought we could trust them after the medicine and the pub The fucking petrol station crisps they gave us there's a lot of rules in my dream, isn't there?

But I like that. Obviously, the dream restaurant can look however you like, and it can be transformed for different courses. Would you like the hors d'oeuvre to be served in your car outside a petrol station? Do you know what? Yeah. I'd like the banana antibiotics to be served in my childhood kitchen. Yes.

Great. That's OK. Would you like that? Yeah. I would love that. Would you like to be a child when you have it? I think I would. No, that would be too.

That would be very confusing from a sort of, I guess, therapy perspective. Yeah, I would never stop crying. If I, as me now, came back as a child in my childhood kitchen and tasted something I haven't tasted for 35 years. I would cry all my tears and probably just dissolve into a paste. And then the tears were clear, and you'd realize you were suddenly in your car outside a petrol station.

I'm like, oh, great, Pickle Scrummions back. She'd be right up. So my amuse-bouche is a stolen Portuguese breakfast buffet roll containing cheese, onion, tomato, butter, and mustard. And that's to be enjoyed on the 12th whole of a golf course. Because every year. Things has got more depressing Alex on is there yeah even worse than being on your own oh that's mean so every year I go on a golf trip to Portugal and one of the most fun bits of the trip is the buffet breakfast.

I love a buffet breakfast, and they have mad stuff. And often the translation on the little cards is quite strange. So this year they had, it was a pig snout salad, moist bread with garlic, was one of them. Oh, ychydig o salad. Mae'r ffordd ymlaen o garllig. Mae'r ffordd. Ond y bwysig ymlaen o'r buffaeth ymlaen, ac mae'r buffaeth yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth, mae'r ffordd o'r buffaeth yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth, oherwydd mae'n ffordd o'r buffaeth yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth.

A mae'n ddweud o'r bwysig o'r buffaeth yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth, yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth, yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth, yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth yn ymlaen o'r buffaeth. Ond mae'n ddweud o'r buffaeth, ac mae'n ddweud o'r buffaun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'r llun o'rweithio'r ceis, rwy'n gweithio'r buta, rwy'n gweithio'r ffordd yma, ac rwy'n gweithio'n gweithio'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r llwyddo'r ll You put a fold over a slice of cheese. You put some butter in there, maybe onion and tomato. And then I make two. And the rolls are quite small anyway, so they're perfect. You put one in each pocket wrapped in a napkin. You take it out on the golf course. You put it in the golf bag.

And then you sort of grab them after about an hour and a half, whatever. At which point, always, a cart comes around selling exactly the same thing for like three euros. I'll be like, you're not going to get one over on me. I stole it from the breakfast. I'm not spending three euros on a nicer, fresher, bigger version of the thing that I made under a table and have had in my pocket for two hours.

Covered in sun cream and bits of grass and mud. I'll know you won't, you know, got to get up pretty early in the morning to be a whole Johnny J. Well, everybody else is just buying their nice baguette from the guy enjoying it. Why do you make it on your lap? So they can't see it. They can't see it. Yeah.

But what? Is there a fucking lifeguard in there watching you? What? You can just make it on the table, fold it up, put it in your pocket shortly. They know what's going on. Right. It's like in prison. They know...

Yeah. It's exactly like prison. They know there's contraband and they pick their moments. They know we're smoking a bit of blow. Yeah. But as long as you're discreet, they're not gonna cause a problem. They'll turn a blind eye. If you start walking in there,

making big sandwiches on the top of the table, not abiding by the lap rule, if you start carrying them out in broad daylight, not hiding them in a napkin in your pocket or in the centre of a Bible that's been hollowed out, you're gonna start to attract attention ahead. Imagine how long Alex Horne would last in prison. He always steals a boiled egg. prison. He always steals a boiled egg. Surprising to no one. What a disgusted man. Steals a boiled egg and eats that while he's playing golf. Yeah so that's why there's so many eggs in tasks on

Taskmaster right? It's just fucking from his suitcase on the way back from Portugal. Yeah he'll come back with about 200 eggs. Next course. Next course. I'm surprised you didn't drop that in on your bread course that last one. You could have had that as your bread course. A bread course? Well, the bread course earlier, when you had the focaccia, but...

Fuck yeah, I should have done that. Yeah, yeah. Well, the next course, you'll be glad to hear is the starter. Lovely. 40 minutes in. Oh, Jesus Christ, it actually is. Sorry, John, go on. So the next course, every year for the past sort of six or seven years, I've lived in Edinburgh when I do the festival

with George Egg. Alex Hall of Rocking Man Portugal. Race to that, absolute race to it. I'm Alex Horne! I back down. And people might know George Egg as the anarchist chef or snack hacker on YouTube. He's got a channel where he hacks snacks, stuff you can sort of do in your car, which appeals to me. Are all your friends your favorite YouTubers? I'm to an extent. I do have a YouTube channel with Alex Horne. I do.

So he living with him in Edinburgh is just such a treat because Ae's a wonderful guy, but also he's not just a brilliant chef, but he loves cooking and he gets excited about you tasting stuff and he likes presenting it to you. He's cooked me a six course meal in Edinburgh before, but what I would like to go for my starter is what we'd always have for breakfast together, which is George Egg's cuppy egg. Ie, mae'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n That's very nice. Sounds lovely. It does sound lovely. So, I can talk you through it very quickly. Yes. Cuppie egg, you butter the bottom of a mug, crack an egg into it, put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds.

It makes a perfect poached egg, but buttery. He puts that on the top of vegetarian haggis, which he's sliced into a circle that's been fried. Between those is a craft cheese slice. And then we went for a curry in Kismot in Edinburgh, and the hot sauce was so nice that we asked if we could take some home with us. So they put it in a little plastic pot, and it was so delicious that you,

if you just dip the end of like a fork tine into it, and dip a bit of the oil off, it's just wonderful on poached eggs or on cheese, like melted cheese. ac yn ddifwng ymddiol, mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, o'r pob o'r eich gweithio, o'r ddifwng ymddiol. Felly, mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, ac mae'n ddifwng ymddiol yn George's Gwyrd, mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, o'r ddifwng ymddiol, ac mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, ac mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, ac mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, o'r ddifwng ymddiol, o'r ddifwng ymddiol.

A dyna'r gweithio'n ddifwng ymddiol, o'r ddifwng ymddiol, yn Edrym Rhywbeth, mae'n ddifwng ymddiol, o'r ddifd cyfnodd, ac mae'n rhaid i mi o'r fawr i gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio gweithio g I imagine that tastes very nice. I think a few people in here might try that cuppy egg. That sounds like something that... He's... well, the cuppy egg is on his YouTube channel, so you can find out how to make cuppy egg. But also, that naga sauce you can buy... If I mention stuff you can buy, does it fucking ruin it forever for those suppliers, because they suddenly have a billion orders? No, you're gonna get some for free. The audience get them for free?

No, you will. Not the audience. They won't. You will. It will turn up on your doorstep probably before you've even got home tonight. Oh, well, I don't need any because I've got some. Yeah, well, bad luck. You're gonna get some more.

But anyway, if you want that delicious chilli sauce, it's called Mr. Naga, and it's basically like sort of, it's oil with sort of crushed chilies, but it is fucking delicious. But do use with caution for Christ's sake. Yeah. It will bite you on the ass, both literally and in a very horrible way metaphorically. You've had a few nightmares over the years,

haven't you, with stuff like that? Yeah, I've had a few close shows. A few things close shows. But I haven't actually shipped myself since 2002. Not true. No it's not true. Okay yeah but Louise no need to tell, I'd forgotten about that. Just lying, just lying John,, throwing years around. So confidently. I guess in a way, does that count as shitting yourself? That story? I mean, obviously I'm on the cusp of just describing it. I never had that combination again of neck oil and bang bang cauliflower

with Frank's extra hot wing sauce. It was a fucking car crash. Just saying that out loud, of course no one should have that. Yeah, I know. Well, I didn't know that... Neck oil, bang bang cauliflower, which sounds like a metaphor for shitting yourself. Oh, no, I've done a bang bang cauliflower in my pants. Do you want to quickly run, run through the story? Oh, no, I've done a bang-bang cauliflower in my pants. Do you want to quickly run through the story? Oh, God, I had...

I had neck oil and bang-bang cauliflower. And it was just... I was going through a bad period with my guts anyway. I was drinking quite a... It was... it was drinking quite a lot. The cauliflower and the batter was a fucking mistake. The sauce was just arrogant. And I was in a, I was in a situation where I couldn't fart freely. So I-

I don't, for me, that situation has never existed. Oh Come on. It was what time in the morning was it it was it would have been like 1 30 to I am and you were at the time in a relationship. I didn't want to fart in front of them Yeah, that's as much as I would like to say You're a gentleman. Yeah. Oh actually. Yeah, I was a gentleman. What do gentlemen do in that situation? I don't fart in the bed. They don't fight in the bed. They don't fight in the bed, they go downstairs try to fight in some kitchen roll and shit themselves. Have you not read any etiquette guides?

My favourite thing about that is I understand going downstairs. I get that, I'll go in another room and I'll fart. But then going, I need some sort of muffler. I thought he would deaden the sound. It actually turned out to be a master stroke. What's the next course, John? It's a fish course. Yep.

Yep. That's the existing course on the menu. It exists. It's a trio of... Okay, so you've actually got a 16 course menu, right? Yeah. So when I was about nearly 20 years ago, Christw'r ysgol, yw'r cyffredinol. Yn ymwneud, John, wrth gwrs.

Yn ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud. Mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae'n ymwneud, mae earlier 20 years ago is when the time before you shit yourself. Oh yeah, it would have been around that time. This is around that last shit. I kissed a girl at a festival. Wow. What an odd feeling I'm experiencing right now. In a room of 1800 people, I say I kissed a girl at a festival 20 years ago and hear a solitary man clapping. And we kept in touch and I went to visit her in London.

I was living in Bristol at the time and it was just so exciting. I was still, you know, I was very young and it was just exciting. Nice. And her friend had brought back some salmon from Alaska that had been cured in a way I have never heard of or seen before or since. And it had like the texture of jerky. So you could like tear strips of this Alaskan salmon and it had only been caught, I don't know, months or so before and then all this curing had happened. And we made sushi out of it.

I never made sushi before. This was like insane. But the act, you could cut it into little matchsticks. It was so hard and it was just the most delicious flavor. And I remember we were listening to Rolling Stones, Greatest Hits. And I'm not like a massive Rolling Stones fan, but every time I hear those songs, I think of that Alaskan cured salmon. Yeah. And I know I'll never, ever get to taste that again.

But it was also just the excitement of the trip. And I never saw her again after that. She moved on to being a big movie. Too nice of a day. Yeah. The sound of things. Yeah. So a big day.

It's a lovely memory. The problem is, now every time I hear the Rolling Stones, I'm going to think of you eating Alaskan salmon jerky. That's all right. It's all right. It's quite weird, isn't it? Yeah, but it's nice. But if anyone knows how to make Alaskan salmon jerky, I would actually like to know how

to do that. Every time I mention I can't cook rice, I get 100 people telling me, oh, you want to try this method, and I try it, and it tastes like fucking sludge. I don't want to hear another rice cooking method ever in my life. However, if you've got a method for making Alaskan salmon the texture of jerky, I want to know. I know this guy on YouTube, he does it.

You have you. Well, then I'll probably end up marrying him. I wouldn't be surprised if we discovered that this woman was Zoella. Maybe surprised we discovered that this woman was Zoella. Do you know what? I think I'm going to leave it at that for the fish course. I think so. Yeah. I think that sounds like a nice fish. That's a nice fish.

You're asking salmon the sushi that you made? Yeah. No, I just want the salmon. Oh, you just want the salmon, Turkey. Well, maybe a little bit of salmon or a resushi stuff on the side so I can maybe make one, but I did end up just like eating it direct. Okay. but maybe you should have that experience again for your fish course. You with those people making the sushi, sometimes just eating the salmon as it is, rolling stones, playing. Yes please. That's nice. What are we talking now? Palate cleanser.

To be fair you absolutely need that at this point. Yeah, I absolutely respect the palate cleanser. Yeah, go on. Because fucking up, your mouth has experienced some wild shit so far. Yeah, yeah, it's been on a lot of places. I mean, I've been to the toilet a couple of times in this restaurant. What is the toileting situation in the restaurant?

Whatever you want it to be. Oh, holy shit, really? Yeah, we can get the kitchen roll out if you like. Whole roll to yourself, little corner in the restaurant. Go over, do some muffled gups and then shit all over it and then sit down again. Make sushi with those people. Do you want a Japanese toilet? What's that?

Well, where do you start? It's a toilet from Japan. God no! It shoots like jets of water. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Japan. God, no. It shoots like jets of water up your arse and stuff. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I cannot imagine that being specific enough to my body. What if it gets it wrong? Well, John, I don't know... We're barely halfway through this menu.

We don't have time to discuss where John's ar is. I'd say across the globe, 99.9% of people's anuses are in the same place on their body. I know that, but... Plus it's like you can move the jet, right? So if yours is on your fucking back for some reason, you can still... I just feel, it feels odd, all of that. It's over engineered is the word. I would just want a toilet that's not a normal toilet.

Yes. But I think... Well, can I tell you something else they do on Japanese toilets? There's some toilets that play music to cover up the sound of what you're doing on the toilet. Now I'm interested. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But just the're doing on the toilet. Now I'm interested. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But just the music.

Just the music. Why not just a toilet with a jukebox in each cubicle? We could do that. It's your dream restaurant. Yeah. Might get sort of you'd want it. You'd want it to be regularly wiped down. Or maybe no, Alexa. You want Alexa in the toilet?

Yeah. Yeah. Alexa. play Metallica. Loud. But I would want just like, I want individual closed cubicles with lids, roofs, whatever you want to call it. I don't like gaps anywhere. I want to feel like I'm inside with a nice dark brown wooden seat. Few people might have been wondering where that sentence is going.

A nice toilet. Soundproofed. Soundproofed. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be soundproofed because you've got to get through like eight different doors to get there. Right. Gringots. Yeah, yeah, yes, yes. That's what I want the toilet in my house to be like. Yeah I forgot who I was talking to cause she wants it to be. As soon as I said it for a laugh, we like oh, yeah great

Gringots please Okay, we'll give you a Gringots toilet. I'm the palette cleanser John because it's 10 to 10 mate 53 minutes in do you know what 53 minutes in and we're cleansing the palette Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Second, no one would have complained. Instead we asked that prick why he was light for ages. I also want moist wipes in the toilet. You got it Captain. Right. Flushable moist wipes. I've already cut three of the things I was gonna have because I don't need them. Okay, you just say them.

Say them quickly. As you go. The palette cleanser, when I was a kid, my... because I don't need him. Okay, you just say him. Say him quickly. As you go, as you delve into them. The pallet cleanser, when I was a kid, my... Um... What? They laugh because they never have stories coming in. They laugh because some people have already left

to get their trains done. Do people not usually tell stories about the stuff? No, they do. They do. They do, but maybe like four or five. It's not me. We haven't had used enough on yet but you know well when I was little my mom's friend auntie and an uncle Bill who weren't my real auntie and uncle but they were no details spared please please and what were their dream menus from beginning to end but But they're you know, okay

Antianne used to make this creme de month ice cream. Oh, and it's good stuff. Yeah, but and I would love love to taste that again Because I've never even heard of anyone making creme de month ice cream, but it works. Yeah, that sounds good Yeah, I love that from Antianne. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, great. Not you real..a'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o' course. So I don't eat meat anymore, haven't eat meat twice in the last 10 years and it was both accidentally and it was horrible but there is meat on my menu okay because from an animal that doesn't die I don't mind it. Someone's not gone for their train yet. Why does that... Someone in the first half wanted magic meat from an animal that doesn't die. Yes. We thought that sounded too worse.

And no, the animal can die. Okay. Okay. As long as an animal just has one bad day, I don't mind. Right? That should be the rule about meat. You can eat meat if the animal has one bad day. If it's had a tortuous, awful life just so it can be served up to you, that's unacceptable.

But if it's having a great time, then, pfft, gone. I suppose that is quite a bad day, isn't it? Yeah, it's hard to come back from. I don't know if you've been paying attention to most of your stories, John, but these animals have nicer lives than you do. Anyway, I would have, so my dad left when I was... You're real dad? Yeah, real dad.

You're real dad? Yeah, real dad. Anyway, I went to visit him when I was first, when I was about 12. In prison, probably? No. And he lives in Canada and has done it ever since. I was very young. And I went on my own and he took me to Schwartz's deli in Montreal. Yes. And I had...

It's an incredible place. It's amazing. It's been there for probably 100 years, maybe more. Long time. This incredible traditional family run deli. And it was my first experience of salt beef. My dad says you come into the Montreal I gotta take you to Schwarz's you gotta taste salt beef. I was like what's this? I went in and you could get you basically get a

salt beef sandwich you get it lean medium or fatty. I said lean they all made fun of me but it was fun because I was 12 they're being very sweet and I tasted salt beef for the first time in a sandwich as thick as my fist. It was literally that big, and it was the best flavor I think I'd encountered. And ever since then, I did this sorry ass search for salt beef sandwiches in London.

And compared to that, they are abysmal and should be ashamed of themselves. And they're that thick. And they've got one sort of centimeter wide slice of salt beef. And I'm thinking, what? It's that big. It's like six inches. It's like you literally have to dismantle the sandwich to eat it.

That's how thick it should be. You get these poxy little things with English mustard, which doesn't work. Anyway, I would have a Schwzes deli salt beef sandwich, lean white bread with pickles on the side. That is great. That place is amazing. I've been to Montreal three times. Every single time I've been, first thing I do,

get off the plane straight to Schwarzes, always a queue outside, but I march up to the front of the queue and say, hello, I am alone! and you can get straight in great There's always one seat and I went to the one in New York I went to the one in New York the Harry Met Sally one cats is it's great. It's really nice. It's on a similar part It ain't no shorts. It's not as good. Yeah, it's not as good Um, do you wanna hear a joke that I thought of while you're saying that the audience won't like but you will?

Yeah. You were saying it was family of Mandeli and stuff. You said, oh, my dad said to me, John, I'm going to take you to Schwartz. I'm going to show you and I was going to say, what a family looks like. That's humor. That's perfect humor. It's John's type of stuff. That's perfect humour. John's type of stuff. That sounds great, John. What's your next course and what's it called?

Well, I'm sort of skipping ahead now, because I'm guessing there's a little bit of business towards the end. Maybe. Well, the next one, I think I'm going to... There's the cheese course, I think I'm gonna, there's the cheese course, which is just very quick.

Yeah, yeah. Cheese course. No, no, no. He doesn't mind the cheese course. This is good news, yeah. It's good news, the cheese course is good news. That means that the dessert is a proper dessert and we're not skipping it.

If anything, I'm pro cheese course. So the... Anna wants to kiss the girl there. So the cheese course is very simply the cheese, which is a cheese. It was known as, in my family, known as the cheese. And my stepdad, whenever he went down to Somerset, because he loved Somerset, so he'd go down to Somerset, quite a lot, work down there,

he would bring back the cheese, which is a big wheel of cheddar in blackwax from a company. It's the Maryland Farm Mature Cheddar Cheese. And anyone who tasted this cheese said, you've got to sort me out with some of this cheese. This is insane. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah, yeah.

Everyone would say this, right? Honestly. Word for word, everyone would say that. Everyone would say word for word. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah. And then they'd leave it there? They'd say, I thought I knew cheddar until I tasted the cheese.

So then... Wipe that on a T-shirt. Then when the next time my stepdad went down to Somerset, I'd have to say, oh, can you sort my friend Sam's mum out with some of your cheese? Awful sentence out of context. So he'd be like, well I don't know what it's like, 15 quid for a fucking enormous, like four kilos of cheese. And he'd say, well yeah, they can pay me back or whatever, I'll bring it up.

Before you know it, he's bringing back quite a lot of cheese from Somerset into, you know, Avan and North Somerset. Across the border. Well, yeah. It becomes a county line's drug operation. But I mean, I'm not kidding. He would come back with like four wheels of this cheese. One for me, one for my friend Sam, one for my friend Sam's mum, one for, you know, someone else.

Well, fucking Sam can't share one with his mum. What's going on? But once you start... Were they a broken home as well? No. Once you start eating this cheese, you just eat a whole wheel of cheese. It's mad, it's mad. And I would go round.

I'd go from mine where we'd be eating the cheese. I'd go round to Sam's house. They'd be sat in their kitchen just cutting off slices of cheese, eating this cheese. It's so creamy, it's so tangy. Do people not usually talk this long about their choices? They do. No, Joe, what, Joe? I love, I want to try the cheese. To be fair, you're doing absolutely nothing wrong if this was a studio recorded episode.

It's said on the, it's said on the thing an hour and a half. Really? Yeah. Well then, you were in the right, and I don't know how I'm getting back to London today. Do you want anything with the cheese? Taxi for James. Do you want the full wheel? Do you know what I do?

Yeah, you have the full wheel. Got five kilos of cheese. Yeah, yeah. That's great. And we get like, if there's other people in the restaurant, which I hope they are, otherwise this is a depressing evening for me, we all get a little knife to sort of just scrape off little bits of cheese. Communal cheese.

I like it. Dessert? Well, we haven't even heard your side dish, I mean, I hate to... Oh, okay. ...or your drink. I hate to draw this out even longer. But two of the key format points, including, I think, especially hearing what John Robbins

come and dream drink is in 2023, I think if we skip that. Oh no, we can't skip that. Can't skip anything. Should we do side dish first? Side dish. Right, okay. Side dish is going to be from a breakfast buffet in the Bahamas, fried salt cod with onions and Auntie May's Beijing hot pepper sauce.

Honestly, this salt cod, I never had it before. And it's like a buffet, so you can scoop it out as much as you want, which was a dangerous. And it's just sort of crispy and salty, and it's cod. It's got onions in. They put a poached egg on top if you wanted a poached egg and you'd cover it. I'd never had beige and hot pepper sauce before.

It's insane, man. A hot pepper sauce called? I think it's Auntie May's. Auntie May's. It looks like it comes in like a soda pop bottle, right? It looks like it comes in like one of those small whiskey bottles. It's like a sort of hip flask shape. Yeah, I've had it.

Just to be clear, that's not your real auntie. LAUGHTER Auntie May's. Onion's making another appearance? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, be careful, mate, you know. LAUGHTER Mashes with your stomach, those do.

Especially bin onions. So, my side dish... It would be that. The drink is like... I mean, I don't know how to answer this question. So, my side dish, it would be that. The drink is like, I mean, I don't know how to answer this question. It's tough. Yeah. You want to give them some background, those people who don't know you?

Yeah. You just don't drink anymore. I'm an alcoholic. Yeah. And I've stopped drinking and I, for two years, did a podcast, not a million miles from this format, based around... Why are you vipters off? We're all dining out on the desert island discs, gravy train.

Welcome aboard. So we would get people to create a dream pub with all their favorite drinks. And I've spent more time in my life thinking about my dream drink than I have any other thing. I like would use it to get to sleep at night. I would think about my favorite drinks. And really like, and I think this is quite normal,

people who drink, you're drinking to try and fulfill a dream of what drinking is or what it was, Mae'r ddweud yn ymddiadol yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymddiadol i'r ddweud, o'r ddweud yn ymwneud, a rwy'n meddwl i'r ddweud, dwi'n meddwl i'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud. A dyna'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud. A ddweud yw'r ddweud, ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud. Dwi'n ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r ddweud yw'r dn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o'r hyn o' ymddi'r gweithio, yn ymddi'r gwahodd yn ymddi'r gwahodd, yn ymddi'r gwahodd yn ymddi'r gwahodd. Felly, rydyn ni'n gwybod i'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio,

ac yn ymddi'r gweithio'n gweithio, ond y gweithio'r gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n'r alcohol, oedd ydych chi'n gweithio'r ffantysgau o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o'r ddweud o' bottle of wine and think, oh, God, that was what it was like. That was so nice. I'd love to be able to share that bottle of wine. Look how that, the glass, that's a Sauvignon Blanc. You know, there's the condensation. Show me his past 10, mate. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha! But the problem is... Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! I was told half 10 is not my fault. You've got to get fucking trained. No, I just thought it'd be funny to do that then because what you were saying was so lovely

and beautiful and so important. I was like it'd be really funny if I'm a dick now. So do carry on. But like the problem with the fantasies I've never in my life shared a bottle of wine with anyone because I've absolutely fucking hoofed it. If I had been sharing it with a friend or a partner, I'd have left them going, where the fuck did that wine go? So your brain is this thing called euphoric recall,

where it basically invents memories that don't even exist to try and get you to drink again. However, there are a couple of alcoholic drinks that were I to allow myself to go down that staircase. I just can't go there anymore, but they are huge in my head. And one of them would be a drink we shared in New York, that red wine that you bought in the shop, which is one of my favorite memories.

But I can't allow myself for that to be my favorite memory anymore. So I think probably to step out of the past and something a bit more optimistic and a bit more fun and something more present. Because a lot of these choices are things from years and years ago. And that's something I think I'd really enjoy is to have my taster menu and my dream restaurant a trip back through taste and tastes that I'll never be able..y'r ystod y menu a'r ystod yma'r ystod yma....y'r ystod ar y tîst ac y tîst.. ..y'r ystod y gallwn ni'n gallu'n gallu'n cymryd..

..y'r ystod yma'r ystod yma'r ystod yma'r ystod ymaithio, mae'n gweithio, mae'n gweithio, mae'n gweithio, mae'n g took like a chili bottle, you know those chili sort of bottles you just keep water cool, just like a fucking water bottle you thick, oh. But anyway. Every added detail is making me so happy. James, you know there's a chili, you get them in different colors colours. Even that person didn't applaud you meeting someone at a festival. That Edinburgh met someone that was amazing. Don't fucking have me, mate. But, like, anyway, like all the great romances, I got a message on a dodgeball WhatsApp group saying is it...

Fucking the dodgeball WhatsApp group saying is it fucking the dodgeball WhatsApp group now saying is anyone up in Edinburgh looking to do stuff in the morning and I was like I'm sober this year it's my first time doing Edinburgh sober that is exactly what I want to do so I messaged her and we went for a walk up Arthur's seat and she had a water bottle that she brought coffee in because it keeps stuff warm as well as cold. I didn't know that. I did. So we walk up Arthur's seat and we're just like talking about our lives and never fucking Never fucking ever fucking ever met this one. Did you get a word in?

I'm actually a very good listener Ed. I'd say the last time you need to be talking about your life is when you're on your way to a fucking high ledge. So, we got to the top. She had bought a couple of plastic cups and she bought us out some coffee that she'd made and a couple of pastries and we talked and had the coffee and it was so nice and walked back down out of the seat and by the time we got to the the coffee and it was so nice and walked back down after seat and by the time we got to the bottom I think it was it was we were quite smitten and um it's been

it's just been amazing and uh I would like to have that uh water bottle full of coffee. And the pastries is my drink. Very nice. That's lovely. That's very nice. Very nice. How's the old farting situation with this? There's a much more lighthearted approach

to the whole arena. That's good. Yeah. I'm glad to hear that. I mean, it's still, you know, I'm still being a gentleman. But I think when the time comes... I wouldn't make an event out of it. I need to add you to the WhatsApp group.

I'm sure it'll be absolutely fine. That was the last thing I was expected to discuss. But yeah, I'm sure that'll be fine. I'm not worried about it, that's the thing, I'm not worried. I don't worry anymore. That's good. I hope you enjoy every single fart. What's your next course, John? Well, it's dessert. I just could finish on dessert. Okay. And it's a dessert I used to have a coffee shop in Thornbury, which is not far from here. And that's where I was brought up. It's a coffee shop called Heritage. Yeah, a few fans in. My mum

would go there every Saturday to meet her friends and I'd go down with my mum and they had this cake which I'm going to enjoy describing to you, James. I'm going to enjoy listening to it, John. Okay, so the cake is a dome. Great start. Okay. Great start. Yep. Bottom layer, white chocolate sponge. Great. Delicious.

Layer of what I'm assuming is white chocolate sort of buttercream. Lovely. Next layer, milk chocolate sponge. Oh, Mr. Canthry's got involved. Then we go the sort of white chocolate buttercream again. And then we go, I don't think it was buttercream. I don't like buttercream, but I think it was some sort of white chocolate. A ganache. Y toplayer...

Rwy'n meddwl y ganas. Rwy'n meddwl y ganas. Y toplayer y bwysig. Y ddwyll yn cyst yn bwysig. Mae'r bwysig, mae'r bwysig bwysig. A'r bwysig yn y bwysig. Yn y gallwn ychydig, rwy'n meddwl y bwysig. white chocolate. Now, this may surprise you, I'm not a huge fan of white chocolate. However,

as a kid, this was the highlight of the week. It was called, by the people in the cafe, it was known as Blonde Bombshell, white chocolate, Gato. I like it, yeah, so they made sure they knew. These are the people in the cafe that called it that. Not myself and my mother. Oh, no, we did as well. Yes, but it wasn't called something else. Your mum were like, oh, blum, blum, shall I? No, no, no.

Come on, John, we're going to go and get that blum, blum, shall I? Oh, yeah, Mum. Um... So... Blum, blum, shall I? So that would have been, like, late 80s. Oh, Jesus. So... Blom bombshell. So that would have been like late 80s, you know? Oh Jesus. They're making very rude gestures if you're listening on the podcast. Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. Sha-Wing!

Now, we called it Blom bombshell based on their lead. We followed their lead. And I just always used to have a big slice of that. And I've never seen it before since. I'd like to have that in Medrime restaurant. And it would go very nicely with that coffee, I think. Oh yeah, sounds delicious. So is the people who cheered Heritage coffee, is it still going? Do they do the Blonde Bomb Shell?

No. Okay, there you go. It's changed ownership since then. Yes. And I once went in when I was a kid and I was playing around with a little... You know those perfume dispensers where you actually press a little ball and it goes... I was playing around with one of them and it fell off and smashed... I don't know, I shouldn't have even started the anecdote.

It may have smashed through another vase in a sort of continual cut glass absolute smash-a-thon. We're at Heritage Cafe, I know they don't do the Blonde Bombs anymore. Do they still do the Melph Pie? Okay, here we go. John, can we just make you back to your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You would like still water. Pop it on with your bread, you want crusty, doughy white bread and focaccia with chunky salt crystals and rosemary in the general vicinity.

You'd like to know they've met. Dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar, perfect ratios. A pair of teeth, banana antibiotics in your childhood kitchen. Order a stack of pickled scrumion macaws 2011 in your car. A mousse bouche, stolen Portuguese breakfast buffet roll, cheese, onion, tomato, butter, mustard, at the 12th hole. Okay, starter. George Egg's copy egg on veggie haggis, craft cheese slice, Kismet, Mr. Naga sauce, mocha, pot, coffee, and evaporating milk. Fish course, cured Alaskan salmon,

listen to Rollin' Stones' greatest hits with all the people from the festival. Palate cleanser, your auntie and not your real auntie, creme de menth ice cream. Main course, Schwartz's salt beef sandwich, lean with white bread and pickles. Cheese course, a full wheel of the cheese. Side fried salt cod with onions and arty maize, not your real arty.

Vasion hot pepper sauce from a Bahamas breakfast buffet. Drink, Arthur's seat, chilly bottle coffee with oat milk and some pastries. Dessert, the blonde bombshell from Heritage Cafe, 1989. John Robbins, this is your dream maker. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I mean, that is great, 1989. John Robbins, this is your dream maker. I mean, that is great, John. Give it up for John Robbins! The magnificent John Robbins, everybody! Crystal, thank you so much!

You've been absolutely amazing! Thank you so much for coming to see our many lives. Bye-bye! There we are, fantastic. And of course, listen to Ellis and John on Radio 5 Live, I think going to two podcasts a week soon. Wherever you get your pods. Thank you so much again, John. I mean, you know, I was messing around on the episode about how long the episode was lasting, but I could have talked to John for another five hours. No, you had to get a train.

Yeah, I had to get a train. But I would have loved to have done it. Yes. Me and Benito went back to the hotel and I had a charcuterie board. Yes. Well, you did and then you sent me a photo of it and instead of giving you olives, they've given you cherries. Yes.

And you know what? It worked. Yeah, you were very happy with it. It really worked. There were the cherries that you put in like an old fashioned or Manhattan. You know, there was like a cocktail cherry. And I've since been to the wonderful restaurant Blackhacks Mangal.

And they had a duck liver parfait with the cherries that you would put in a whiskey sour. And it was amazing. So, you know, it was accidental, but they've hit on something pretty special. Okay, bye. Bye. Hello, my name is Ian Smith. And I'm Amy Gledhill. And we are from the Northern News Podcast.

Where we take a deep dive into the bizarre stories we find from the North. Hey, and if you like food, and I know you like food, actually, because you're listening to Off Menu. We've got stories about pigs getting cooked off roundabout with crisps. We've got stories about gravy wrestling in carparks. We've got stories about restaurants getting one-star food hygiene ratings. And record-breaking Yorkshire puddings. And we've got special guests, which you may remember from off-menu episodes such as Maisie Adam, Tim Key, Rosie Jones, Fata Helgore, Phil Wang, and he hasn't been on off-menu,

but we've got Kevin Kennedy, who played Curly Watts in Coronation Street. Take that, eh, caster? So please, give a listen to the Northern News Podcast. Every Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts.