Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 231: Iain Stirling (Live in Glasgow)

Episode Date: March 9, 2024

Our Scottish residency begins with superb stand-up and The Voice of Love Island Iain Stirling, live in Glasgow. Sorry about all the bleeps. Iain Stirling is on tour with ‘Relevant’. For dates and tickets go to iaindoesjokes.com Follow Iain on Twitter and Instagram @iaindoesjokes Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the SEC Armadillo in Glasgow.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. Hello, it's Saturday and you know what that means. the Crunchy on the outside, smooth on the inside. And if you're listening to this one, there it comes out. It's the day before my birthday. Happy birthday, Ed. Our special guest at this show was the brilliant Ian Sterling. Now, some callbacks to the first half won't make sense to you. No. That's fair enough. We had a lovely evening with Ian Sterling. We did.

Loads of nice chats to him backstage. After was went for a lovely drink in the hotel bar with Ian. He was a brilliant guest. There's people about to hear. But I can't believe it. It took a fucking episode. We've got to say, oh, so cool. That might not make sense. You get it now. I'm not doing that for the next one. You're all smart enough. Yeah, you're all smart enough. You know that. Secret ingredient as picked in the first half by our audience was pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice and all things nice. That's what Ian Sterling's made of. This is the off-menu menu live in Glasgow of Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling.

Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling. Ian Sterling.

Ian Sterling. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the mints of humour. The tatis of conversation. The tatis of conversation. The taties of conversation. Removing the corned beef of evil. And putting it into the big pot of the internet. That's right, it's a Stovipod, baby!

That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Egghaster. Together we own a dream best try. and every single week we invite the guests and ask them their favourite ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order and this week our guest is Ian Stalin. Very excited to finally have Ian on the podcast. He's a good pal of ours, a wonderful comedian. We are going to welcome him to the Dream Restaurant.

We already know the secret ingredient, which if he says it, he will be kicked out. And by the sounds of the man who suggested the secret ingredient, he will also be killed. So without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Ian Starlin! Thank you Ian. Pop yourself down. James what are you doing? Yep sorry. Thank you. You're so cute. And it is your prerogative as the guest if you wish to stand up and rub the lamp that is up to you. Would you like to rub the lamp to release the genie? I would love to rub a lamp.

Okay. You can go over there and rub it. Absolutely. We could do it in our imaginations. I don't mind really. Let's rub that lamp. Yes. Rub the lamp.

It's happening. It's happening. It's happening. I don't mind really let's rub that lamp. Yes, rub Welcome in Stalin to the dream restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time. Hello Welcome in pop yourself down. Thank you for I mean that prop I'd imagine a lot of man hours into making that and you, uh, wanked it off. You wanked. I robbed that up a treat. Yes. The nice technique. The first time the genie's ever been. Hang on a minute. We got, we got, we've got, what the fuck is that? We're making you feel at home. We're making you feel at home, buh-bh. You were so worried about coming across as English and you're on stage with iron brew sugar free Which we bought in your country I'll have you know it's available and I'll have you know I have a chronological disease

Yeah, it's called English bastard And I'll have you know for five years. I didn't drink regular iron food And now I started drinking sugar-free iron brew and let me tell you now it tastes like normal He's gonna drink it on you just like mama used to make the secret recipes since night, you know one Well, it's just even the new stuff you know about old recipe, new recipe. No. What? Basically in Scotland we're all pro-European, apart from, apart from rules on the amount of sugar you can have on a drink. That's the only time we get a little bit brexit.

Right. You ever had an iron brew bar? Yeah. Do you remember them? Yeah. I lost my first tooth in a Wham bar. Did you actually? Yeah, that won't surprise anyone.

Iron brew bar would kick the fucking shitter to have a Wham bar. Yeah. Oh no, I got them both free on the front cover of the Bino. Do you remember back in the day when you used to get Wham bars in a magazine for children? ond y ffunt cofyr o'r beno. Rwy'n meddwl, rwy'n meddwl, rwy'n meddwl, ydych chi'n meddwl i'r wahanbars i'r magasin ar gyfer o'r bwrdd. Rwy'n meddwl, rwy'n meddwl, mae'r cyfnodd,

mae'r cyfnodd, mae'r amser yn ei wath, mae'r amser yn ei ddweud. Rwy'n meddwl i'r amser yn ei ddweud, mae'r amser yn ei ddweud, mae'r amser yn ei ddweud, I wanted sunny delights so bad for so long. I remember seeing the advert and being like begging my parents for sunny delights. It looked so great and radioactive and every time we're in Sainsbury's. Orange, ironically. Please, please let me get sunny delights and they're always like you're never drinking

that. So as soon as I was old enough to buy my own juice, yeah, I got a Sunny Delight and I drank the whole thing. Yeah, and it is no surprise you turned out the way you did. You running on stage tonight was exactly what a Sunny Delight kid looked like. Yeah, that's, I'm full of Sunny Delight when I come out on stage and I'm proud of it.

Oh, can you still get it? Yeah. Does it exist? Yeah. Yeah, but it's new recipe, Sunny Del? Sonny, is it exist? Yeah. But it's new recipe, Sonny Delight. It's fucking bullshit, EU bullshit. Yeah, it's not as delightful anymore.

Sonny, all right. All right. LAUGHTER Thank you. Come on, that was good shit. I love Sonny, all right. That's funny. So this is, look, to to me this tastes delicious. Yes, it's fine in it So like fine it's got a strong man lifting up the brew

I'm brew man could beat the shit out of any other food or drink mascot. Don't you reckon? What's got the alts the alts guy? Oh? Yeah, yeah, that's almost under thirsty the way you cheer there. Yeah, it is sexy though. Yeah That's how you get pregnant in Scotland the man dresses up as the Oscar We're talking about the Quaker Oats Gover Yeah, who else would be talking about Quakers fuck man Quakers fuck Yeah, who else would be talking about Quakers fuck man Quakers fuck I mean you never know fucking this quiet Quakers man

Quakers fuck quiet man I Sorry, sorry, just every time James says anything I find it funny because it's funny and too. I'm like there's every chance next to That's on a t-shirt. Yeah, you never know. These things escalate. Yeah, I feel like this is our version of what we think the Joe Rogan podcast is like. Just going like Quaker's fuck quiet, man. You ever see a Quaker fucking quiet?

They do, man. Pull that up, Jake. Quaker's fuck quiet. Pull it up. That's a Quaker fucking fucking probably won't get away with fucking showing this shit The the Quakers are trying silence us ironically I can do our accents actually Do you like porridge yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what do you have in your porridge? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much do you have in your porridge?

Salt. More salt than porridge, really. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Hang out with that guy. There's a salty motherfucker right there. He probably puts the olives in the anchovies in there. God bless it down.

Oh, the pizza guy. Ian's, when Ian gets back to Scotland, he goes proper Scottish. So now he's saying he has salt. As soon as he gets back to London, it'll be almond butter and goji berries, when Ian gets back to Scotland he goes proper Scottish so now he's saying he has salt, as soon as he gets back to London it'll be almond butter and goji berries, won't it Ian? No, no. This is how Ian Sterling talks in London, he says, how do you do? How?

How fucking dare you? Ian, do you want to do the off-bed you You swallowed a guitar. No I'm very Scottish all the time. Okay. Not true. We said Ian do you want to do the off menu podcast? gigs because of course it was named after Albert, who was the husband of Queen Victoria Long live the Queen. Is what you said? I mean technically it's near out of my house so I've not really got a fucking like to stand up. Are you a foodie in general Ian?

I think so yeah. Mae'r gweithio yn gennwyl i'n? Mae'n gweithio, mae'n gweithio yn gweithio, ac mae'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio' again. But there's gonna be vegetables in this. So when you eat out and you're like, oh, can I have this? You know, I bet you've put carrots in this, you prick. Or whatever it is. But now I've got a more refined palate. So every time you ate out, you were suspicious that they'd put carrots in it? Just vegetables or like, oh, it's got cream or whatever it is. Do you know what I mean though? I think you're angry about others. Mushrooms. Mushrooms.

I say vegetables and cream are in very different groups. I'm not sure exactly what you don't like here. I don't know. I don't know. Just stuff that wasn't the three things I liked I suppose. What was the three things? Pasta. I had pasta sort of plain on its own when I was a kid. Yeah.

And then I'd have a chippy. A chippy. With chippy sauce. What? Oh yeah, sorry. You have like, what was it? Salt and vinegar or heroin or whatever they have in Glasgow. What? Oh, sorry, you have like, what is it? Salt and vinegar or heroin or whatever they are in Glasgow. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Sorry, I'm sorry. So, Plain Pasta. Plain pasta. Chippy.

Chippy. Chippy with Chippy Sauce. Chippy Sauce. What is Chippy Sauce? I don't think, I still don't know. No one knows. How dare you. I'm shocked.

It's brown sauce and vinegar mixed together into sort of like a liquidy goodness. It's a real Moonsplitter. I love it. Yeah, we love that shit. I love that noise. The booze and the cheers mixing together. You would never think that's the same audience who gave us laser printed poppadobs. G3 geniuses on the front row and everyone else, whoa, chippy sauce! What was the third thing? I like it, keep the passion coming. Um, what was, chip chips? Plain pasta, chips with chippy sauce.

Crips. Probably. To be fair, where the fuck are you going to hide a carrot in that? I know. They do carrot crisps now probably. Yeah, they do. Yeah, those are the vegetable crisps in that. I know They do they do carrot crisps now probably yeah, they do yeah those the vegetable crisps Yeah, I love them yeah, the count of the beetroot ones parsnip ones. Yeah, you don't have all the back each It's your else you don't have them. Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah, I like a re ones He's got you there though, they do look like potpourri up and done

Yeah, but he got me. I mean, they just look like popery, I'll go at you. But you know, you're talking to a man who once ate popery, accidentally, at the end of an Eppelese meal. Correct. The first time I ever went to a Japanese restaurant, my old flatmate had a mommyame in it the whole thing great and shut himself in the restaurant I but would Edamame do that I think he

was going to shit himself anyway oh I think it was on his way but I think the husks I think the husks tipped him over the edge but a whole bowl of them he couldn't work out why no one else was having the husks he was wolfing them down so he didn't bring it up at any point he didn't go why is no one else having the husks yeah he said stop sucking the salt of my husks he was raging eating the ones you threw away yeah he's a good husks that For me? I wish I was joking. And I need... Yeah, shit himself. Sounds like he probably did a whole bunch of things that day. Yeah. That was similar to that.

Yeah. He sounds like a real, like, you know, carefree kind of guy. Yeah, I know he's like... I bet he eats like the whole corn on the cob, like an apple. The whole cob goes down everything. Even the little skewers that they go in the side. Yeah. Delicious.

Uh-oh. That's going to be a biteful. I'm going to be in my pants again for the fifth time today. Do you ever hear about that lady that used to, she got, they stopped the... Hold on. Bear with him. Bear with him. Let him cook.

Do you know what happened then genuinely? There's loads of people here, but I was just talking to you guys, and then I had that weird moment where I went, oh, I'm in front of humans. Yeah. So I was talking to you, and then I realized, oh, everyone's quite a minute of an anecdote, and there's people listening.

Quite insulting to say I was talking to you guys, and then I realized they were humans here. You know what I mean? None taken. You're a genie, technically. Yes, thank you very much for respecting that. And you're a diabetic. Yes, I am correct. So. The magical mythological creature. The diabetic. We've never seen them grown up in Scotland because the young didn't survive. LAUGHTER

When you're born, you get given a can of iron, bro, and you survive it, you qualify. All your teeth fall out, and you have to survive on Ed and Marmay husks. What are we talking about? You said that was a woman. What was that woman? We'd love to narrow it down here, because you said there's a woman. What's he talking about? Well, we'd love to narrow it down here because you said there's a woman.

So they stopped... They stopped doing the serviettes to wash your hands in KFC. Yeah. And she thought it was a lemon flavouring for the chicken. She was like, they've stopped doing the lemon flavouring on the chicken because she was wiping the... That's... You can Google that, you can Google that. Yeah, I don't doubt it.

Simultaneously unsophisticated at the same time. Oh, a lovely lemon dressing. Yeah. Let me buff up this chicken with the lemon rag. That's me doing it. That's you doing it, is it? Yeah. I'mn gwybod. Mae'n gwybod.

Mae'n gwybod yn fawr. Mae'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod.

Mae'n gwybod. Mae'n gwybod. Imagine being married and not having a podcast. What a waste. I'm glad those two things were connected because for a bit I thought you were just listing everything about yourself. I've never done a podcast. I'm married. I'm 6'2". 6'2", I didn't know that.

6'2". No, just like you mean that's because it's content now, isn't it? Every time I get to date the bins out my wife kicks off. I go, hi, how are you? We'll talk about that on the podcast on my podcast. Yes at Wembley, whatever. We always start with still a spanking water. I'll have sunny delight, please.

If you want something to do like we will let you have something to do. I think I'm all right. I don't know if you're allowed to do this, but I think I generally think I day like please. If you want sunny day like we will let you have sunny day like. I think I'm alright for it. I don't know if you're allowed to do this but I think I genuinely think I'm alright. I don't know if that's been done but I'm alright for it. You are allowed to do it. We have let people do it. Yeah. But what? I don't want to kill the mood.

No, you're not killing the mood at all but tell us why you're alright for water. I don't drink it. Right. So it just drink it. Right. So it just sits there. Yeah. And then sometimes you ask for tap water and you feel the guy judging you. Even if you're an expensive restaurant

where you're spending loads of money, you still think they're judging you for being a cheapskate. Yeah, sure. And then you're not getting sparkling water because I'm not a king. I'm not either king. I've got a mate called... And I remember what... I've never forgot it when we were at a stag do once

when I was like 24, young marriage. It's ended now, obviously. What? I was going to ask how did it work out for the couple. They never want. They never want. I imagine it's relevant to the story. I'd like to know if it ended in divorce or not. I feel like if we just sat here in silence and watched you, you just tell us every single secret.

You're a journalist's dream. It was telling us earlier that he's got to do promo for his tour like we all do. And now we're having this interview with you. I think you should have a PR person in the room with you while you're doing the interview because literally All they have to do is ask you one question to sit back and you'll have yourself cancelled in five minutes Now I hate to break it to you, but after BBC leads three years ago. That is what happens His names no wait no it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter about his surname. Fuck!

It's just the groom. It was the groom, yeah. He got married at 24 and he said he got married too young and everyone's presents were shite because they were skin. That's why you shouldn't get married when you're young. Anyway, the part I'm trying to make is we're at the stag do and the couple next to us ordered sparkling water and then my friend said, his name's changed. No, this is another person.

It's a full s***. It's coming up, I guess. Does something. There's you s***ing s***ing so far. And at the table. It's a young stag, the lords people, that's the one benefit of getting married young is lords people come to this stag.

Right, loads of mates. So we've got you. Who else we got on the stag? Who was there? Fucking hell, old. Yeah, well, mate. He's 36 now, he watched for. Actually, I can't say.

No, wait, no, can we actually take that out No way! No, can we actually take that out? Yeah, sure. Can we actually take that out? Don't complete that sentence in your head. That's what... We can take out the recording in, but you do know these people... No, no, they're fine. They'll forget. You know we don't have a men in black machine. We can't... I wish so bad we had men in black machine. So... There's laws of all other drumming to go for everyone.

Yes, they're saying, I'm not even in the night. Yeah. I'm not even in the English one, but he's ginger, so it's allowed. So, Right, he was self-employed now. A bit. Because he went on a stag do, but then he stayed in Marbella for a week after and they sacked him.

Is this a different stag do? Yeah, that was a different one. That wasn't even masked. So wasn't this one where you were... I didn't even know that one. That was a friend of a friend. It's amazing that storytelling is essentially your career, Ian, because... I'm more one-liner voice over out of safety, Steve. LAUGHTER

So let's come... Right....the couple... It's not worth it. Long story short... Trust me, this has been worth it. LAUGHTER You got annoyed at the door-ordered sparkling water. Yes. Yeah. And they said, what was the noise about that?

And he went, I don't know, I can't put my finger on it, just a noise me. And then that's when my friend said, yeah, I bet you're going holiday in Dubai. So not worth it. Fucking brilliant. So now every time I see someone drinking sparkling water I think I'll bet you gone holiday in Dubai Also, I just love that we heard about so much other stuff and The story you've chosen is probably the least interesting night out you and your friends have ever had

They've had some mad ones like Pop-Dom's Op-Bed Pop-Dom's Op-Bed Ian Sterling Pop-Dom's Op-Bed Poppidoms open, poppidoms open, Ian Stirling, poppidoms open. I wanted to go poppidoms because it feels like a more unique thing to do. Yeah, totally. But then I just, I want a nan. And I want a keema nan. I want a big meaty boy. Big meaty boy. Yeah. I don't think we've ever had a

Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan. I've never had a Kimanan. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before.

I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on the podcast before. I've never had a Kimanan on always rumble on and we'll never know, we'll never know, we can't possibly get into it tonight. But, yeah. So, I was just going, Glasgow's better. Glasgow's better.

But I would have the best Indian in the UK is in Glasgow. It's Mother India in Glasgow. That is very interesting because our tour manager Paul had Mother India in class. Mother India! That is very interesting, because our tour manager, Paul, had Mother India before the show and said it was disappointed. Did he say that? He said that. Bring him out. He didn't like the chicken. He said the chicken wasn't very nice. Well, maybe it doesn't deliver well. There's loads of good restaurants that don't deliver well.

We've never had Keemanaan before. Never had it! It's just the best. The mother India kemenon. It's sort of Donner meat but it's a loud, it's posh. Why is that? It's Donner meat but it's a loud. Yeah but you know what you can't, yeah but I can't order Donner meat in the day. I'd love to. People look at you, oh judgy and that. Whereas you can get a keema naan. Mm, I'm baster though. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But Akima Na, Ula La, or whatever they say in India. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they say Ula La, yeah, yeah. They say Ula La in India, to the ambassador, they say in India. Mama Mia, mama Mia.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Mama Mia. I don't think I've ever had Akima Na. What? I always think I'm gonna have meat, so I don't want another meat thing. I don't want meat on me on me Is this a gamble talking? I'm sorry what the fuck is going on? But the bread the nun braves a wonderful thing don't get me wrong and now and again sure I'll have a Peshwari nun Oh mama me. Yeah. No. Oh a bigger cheer for Peshwari than the key ma

Peshwari. Yeah, that's like a cake. Oh I'm sorry Cakes that the that are obviously delicious things that everyone loves. But with a spicy curry, especially like a tomato-based spicy curry and a Peshwari 9, you get the sweetness from the Peshwari, it cuts through the spice, it's a wonderful combination. You get... CHEERING Someone there! It's like you just sum their life up in one sentence.

Yes! LAUGHTER But with a quino, what's that bringing, especially if you've got like a lamb or chicken curry? I don't think the meat and the quino is necessarily bringing anything, but I will say I've never had one so I can't speak on the topic. Thank you Ian. Oh this isn't the direction I thought. I thought we should just watch your favourite menu, not

we'll ask you what you're liking and tell you to go fuck yourself. No! I said I've never had a keema and you reacted annoyed so I was just letting you know why. Do you know what, I forgot I did that actually, fair play. If anyone's seen me on anything, that happens a lot. Yeah, yeah. I get carried away, I fly off the handle, I react and then I reflect on it and I think about that for the next six years.

Well listen, I've never had a keema naan or a peshwa naan. What? I have a... Genuine shock from down here. What are you doing? Just a prof of old tower. I just have a cornetto. Yeah.

So we're doing the Acrester house. Well, I think that sounds lovely. Yes. Do you want... So if you want that at the start of the meal, do you want any sort of dips or anything with it to dip the keema naan in? Hmm, I haven't thought that far ahead. I like meat. I'd have like maybe chicken pakora with it or something. Hmm.

Can you dip? Wasn't quite the question I'd asked here. Can you dip it? I can dip it in? You could, I mean you could try and dip a keema naan in a chicken pakora, sure. I'm not sure it's physically possible. You can blend them up. Do you in a chicken pakora, sure. I'm not sure it's physically possible. You can blend them up. Do you want blended chicken pakora as a dip? I've had wass on a night out.

I'll have a chicken pakora. You want salt blended. Blended chicken pakora with your keema naan? No, I've actually thought about this. You just threw me with that sauce. You never said the sauce was coming. Oh, so it's not a fucking difficult question, is it mate? I'm also gonna give you a dip.

I love chicken pakora, I'm in now. I just want chicken pakora with the kimonan. Wow, I feel like I'm watching Clash the Titans over here. You two were at each other's throats. It's a bloody sight. I actually think blended chicken pakora sounds like it might be all right, you know? You would do it, you would eat it? I would eat that, yeah. You can I actually think blended chicken pakora sounds like it might be alright, you know you would do it you would eat it I would eat that you drink that down. Yeah, I'd plug that I'd like it right down. Yeah now. It's gonna sexy

Okay, well, let's do your menu properly and your dream starter. I would have a cheesy truffle risotto Yeah from this here we, the judgement in the room. It's from a restaurant called S. Patty in Mallorca. Don't be... Look at me, look at me and tell me what you want. Don't worry about the audience. What are we about them? I can see you worried. What are we about them, Ian? See you worried. All the great iron brew chat just washing away all the credibility going.

But look at me, you tell me about the restaurant in Mallorca and the cheesy truffle risotto. What's from is, I don't know why that got a laugh. I'm trying to be serious for a second. You should be serious. No, you're serious. It's a restaurant in Mallorca that I like. Yes. Called S-Party. Mae'r ysgron yn Miwyr. Mae'r llwyddoedd. Mae'r llwyddoedd. Mae'r llwyddoedd.

Mae'r llwyddoedd. Mae'r llwyddoedd. Mae'r llsgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd?

Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? Yn ymwneud yw'r ysgolwyd? taste a menu and I booked it for me and my now wife but then she was like a girlfriend or whatever you want to say. Yeah thank you three people big fans. Big fans of love. But I didn't know I didn't know I thought I didn't know what a taste a menu was so when we got there you just get what you get. Yeah and I'd

booked it for me and Laura hadn't been going out long and the first course was a watermelon despaccio. So no I was right it was it was it was cold. Yeah yeah it was rank. Yeah and I was like oh no I'm so screwed here. Yeah and in the second course came in it was this cheesy truffle risotto and it's a mixture of one of the nicest things I've ever tasted plus that massive relief of like oh I've not messed up this date with this amazing person. So I was sort of eating it and going oh this is so nice and at the same time being like and it was just so like creamy and lovely and yeah it's amazing and that restaurant's amazing it's like some run by a South African couple who live in Spain but also go to Germany this in summers I can't remember why they told me that man is on witness protection

I like how anyone who encounters you has to be ready for their life story to be said on a podcast in front of an audience. Well he's a cool guy, Felix. He's a good guy. Did Laura enjoy the Watermelon Gospatia? Yes, I think she liked that. I was too busy panicking to know. So did you have to, if you were on the date and she was enjoying the Watermelon Gospatia, did you have to act like you were it firstly that you weren't surprised that it was cold yeah and secondly that you're enjoying it so how did you how did you make out that the first bite you had you were like I knew that was gonna be cold did you make a face great question that's a really good point I think I might have's... Is yours cold? That's what I said. Absolutely the worst thing

you could do. Is yours cold? And she'd come all the way to Spain, we haven't been going out that long. Is yours cold? She went, yeah, it's gespio. I don't know what that meant. But is this where Love Island's filmed? Yeah, it's really near. It's in this sort of tiny little town nearby. And it's so small. They're sort of like, they actually got asked to film a date, like one of the Love Island dates

in there. And they said, no, which made me like it even more. I was like yes! Rock and roll. And it's in this tiny little town and it's really you should definitely go there if you're ever in the area. It's been in the area before. Oh fuck off. What were you doing there? We filmed Love Island. Oh yeah do you remember that guy, Curtis? Curtis Pritchard. Yes. And then you were in Hollyoaks for a bit.

I was in Hollyoaks for a bit, wasn't I? It was a big boost for you. Big career boost. Everything that guy does is terrible. And every... So all that happened, like, he looks like you or whatever. He doesn't look like you. He literally is, like, you, he looks like you or whatever. But it doesn't look like you. He literally is like, you're identical. You look more like him than his brother that

hangs around with him all the time. Yes. Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with always on enhanced safety features. Your teen can request a ride when you can't take them. You'll get real time notifications along the way. Your team feels a sense of independence. You can follow their entire route on a live-tracking map.

Your team will get assigned a top-rated driver. You'll get peace of mind. Uber Teen Accounts. Invite your team to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations locations see app for details. Your dream mine course Ian Sterley? I'm gonna go with, I've thought about this a lot genuinely, more than you'd ever know. Well. And but every time I came back to it, a proper home-cooked spaghetti bolognese. You can't beat it. My mum, spag ball.

Yeah? You know what you're getting? An offensive amount of pasta. Oh yeah, you like pasta, that's one of the three. I got that. But it was plain when you were a kid, so... I know, now it's got like whatever's in the bowl. Wow, he doesn't... You've really, you have really thought about this, haven't you? But it was plain when you were a kid. I know, now it's got like whatever is in the bowl. Wow, he doesn't...

You've really thought about this, haven't you? Really? Although, yeah, no, I like that. And do you know when you get so much pasta and you sort of like tell people, oh, look, I've done too much. I'm not gonna get through this. And then as the meal goes on, you get to tell people, I'm doing it.

Who are you telling? Who are you telling? Everyone, there you go. Look, I'm doing it. Who are you telling? Everyone near you. Look, I'm eating all the pasta. Yeah. Lo has got to be sitting there thinking the signs were there but the dispatcher, this is my own fault. Is yours hot? One of them looks like Ed Gamble. I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing?

I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing?

I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, what are you doing? sit there watching it happen. My mum just sits on so proud. She cooks a really good spaghetti. And sometimes I quite like doing when you do a corn one. Yeah, but the best of doing a corn one is when you don't tell anyone. Yeah, keep it secret. And halfway through you go, do you know that was corn? Yeah. And then everyone in the room goes, yeah, did we, did you? She takes nothing like mints, of course. Ian's hosting the new series of Punk'd. That's in the first episode.

It's a doozy. Yeah. It gets tiny temper with the quorn. I go to tiny temper, hey, tiny temper, Edgambble's about to serve you real mint spaghetti bolognese. An incurtis from Love Island walks out with some corn. Pucked! He is the corn version of me, actually. He is.

That's what I'll start telling people. Better for the environment in the long run. Mae'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'n gwybod i'nfordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd.

Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd yn ymweld i'r ffordd. Mae'n dweud i'r ffordd. You're all laughing. It's like, you've no idea how, it's hard doing this in front of three frozen people. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, 100%. It's really fun to fuck with you. Does she have any little sort of like things that adjust her own any significance to this? Well, she puts what's it called? Mint. No, yes.

Not soy sauce. It looks like Parmesan. Worcestershire sauce. Worcestershire sauce. Worcestershire sauce. Worcestershire sauce. That's in there. Big old game of charades here. Worcestershire.

Tin tomatoes. Yeah, I don't think that's hers. Pissed sata. Huh? Chocolate. Chocolate. She actually does do that. That guy is fucking trolling me man

But dark chocolate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like 90% cacao. It was your mum's recipe up on the pointless board. I'll be a different man. I Wouldn't need to do this podcast to be rolling in my billions Like one pointless Carrots yeah, I thought she said what about parents yes Sometimes I mean up for all my my front and early doors, but a salary might go in there sometimes yeah Yeah, I know a boo one solitaire boo Man you got to put celery and carrot and garlic I just think baseball's not as good as mints. So why are you putting in a spag ball?

Because it's the base of flavor. It's not what worse flavor You don't just do the best ingredient and then everything else gonna fuck off Because then it's just mint Let's forget your ball of nays then No, that's rank all the ingredients. What's the best one? We're just having that. Yeah. Avril, start from 15 and we'll go all the way up. I'd love to hear Avril's top 15 spaghetti bolognese ingredients.

Where's this deep fried Mars bar? These people later put in some poppadobs in the interval. You've neither of you have had one, have you? No, I've never had a deep-fried Mars bar. Snickers fry's better. It holds its shape. Because of the nuts. The problem with a Mars bar is the caramel becomes like a weapon inside that. Too hot?

I'm from Edinburgh. I've seen many American tourists get some molten caramel. They've been taken down by it. And no one warns them, we see it coming. Oh, you've fried Mars Bar, like yeah, cool. Good luck. Launch into that, you mug. My great-great-grandpeppies from Scotland. Yeah, cool. Have your molten Mars bar. Helena. See how you get on. Oh, it's stuck into my lip. Burns it.

Burn right on my lips. I love this character so much. No! She gets higher and higher the more she gets burned. Excuse me, where's the castle in Edmars? Hang on, she got all these bad burns and now she's still trying to find the castle. She's had a burn, she's had a burn and she's like, I've had so many frat marrs, Mars.

This reminds me, have you heard of Robert Burns? I'm gonna go, I wanna rub the dog's nose. Can I go rub the dog's nose? There's some chip shops in Scotland where you can take what you want to be deep fried and they'll do anything, right? I mean, I think you can do that in any chip shop. No, you can't, man.

You can't go to Nick's Fish and Chips in Kevin and ask them to deep fry anything. LAUGHTER Are you sure if you walked in? Oh, for 100%. Look, I'm a local celeb. People love me there. But if I walked into Nick's Fish and Chips and said, can you deep fry this wedding cake for me?

LAUGHTER That's what I love about being in Glasgow is Ie ddim yn ychwanegwch i'w chipon i'w ddweud i'w ddweudio'r cwyddoch. Yn ystod y gallwn i'w ddweudio'r cwyddoch, dwi'n ddweud i ddweudio'r cwyddoch, ac yna'r ddweudio'r ddweudio'r cwyddoch, dwi'n ddweud i'w ddweudio'r cwyddoch. Mae'r ddweud yn ychwanegwch i'w ddweudio'r 22. Yn ychwanegwch i'w ddweudio'r cwyddoch? Yn ychwanegwch i'w ddweudio'r cwyddoch? Yn ychwanegwch i'w ddweudio'r cwyddoch? Yn ychwanegwch i'w ddweudio'r cwyddoch? 22. What would you do for which chocolate bar you did for any out of any chocolate? Oh it's a question for me. Thank you Ed. I'll move on to it. Don't worry. I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar, oh my god, asking him first. This is really hard. If you want for structural

integrity, I've seen them all fried. What do you mean you've seen them all fried? Pretty much I've seen them all fried. What do you mean you've... Well, like you've been in Edinburgh long enough, you've seen enough people ordering, because like tourists do it,

and then you think, oh, I'm not going to do that for tourists, and then you get drunk and you've got a twix in your hand, and you think, why not? Can you drunk and you've got a twix in your hand Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a twix? Good evening to you Hey My great-grandpeppy Visited these fair isles many moons ago and he always wanted a nice piece of chips. Piece of chips. Piece of chips with a deep fried

twix. He was quirky in those ways. So can I please young man sir, have my Twix deep frat, no pun intended. Momma. Happy birthday. Twix, Twix for you. Yeah, one thing worse than no round of applause is someone trying and 3,000 people going absolutely not. I think they just wanted to hear more from the characters. Not today. Best for structural integrity, that's fine. I think they just wanted to hear more from the characters, to be honest. Not today. Best for structural integrity, Double Decker.

Yeah? It honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it, it's like nothing happens to it. Oh, yeah, please. It's just in there like, and what? I'm not sure that's it. Orderless, one of them. Orderless, Deep Fried Double Decker, that's what I want. I don't want no Deep Fried Mars bar.

See, the Mars bar's like insidecker, that's what I want. I don't want no Deep Fried Mars bar. See the Mars bars are inside like, yeah, if that's gonna scorch my mouth, that's not what my great-grandpappy died for. I'd rather have a Deep Fried Double Decker please. Double Decker, Snickers, I think we'll all agree. Creme egg? Creme eggs, but again, I mean, that is a... That is a daredevil's sport.

I'd rather skydive than even it. I love that, like, when you had a gazpacho, you didn't know it was meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur when it comes to deep... Throwing out terms like structural integrity. Every single chocolate... You for any chocolate bar in well you're playing with fire Top 15 deep fine chocolate for me and Starling This this audience just hands up they love top 15. Yeah, they love top 15 It's from about 14 to 2 it's really gonna feel like they don't love it

But they're with you I mean 15. Yn y ffordd 14 o 2, mae'n ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd. Ond mae'n meddwl. Ac mae'n meddwl, mae'n meddwl, mae'n meddwl, mae'n meddwl. Yn ymgyrch yn ffordd, mae'n meddwl yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd. Mae'n 15 o cwmwysgol. Yn ymgyrch yn ffordd, mae'n 15 o ffordd. Yn ymgyrch yn ffordd. Yn ymgyrch yn ffordd. Yn ymgyrch yn ffordd. stretch yeah this cream egg would be 15 worst okay that's bottom bounty 14 okay we're doing it you can't you can't not do it now you can't go into 14 and then

not finish it well Maltesers would be fun but 13 they would be fun it would be fun but it's one of those fun. They would be fun. But again, it's a dissolve. It's one of those fun ideas. They would dissolve in the fat. Wouldn't they, if you think about it? Yeah. You need a thick batter. Yeah. It would just be more batter than anything else. The 13, 12 milky butt.

Yeah. That's too soft. That's dirty. You're not getting any of the things. Yeah, you're right. There's a lullant, huh? Yeah, but... But I'm saying you've got a hold strong because what they're actually doing is they're

going to get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit Too soft that's just you're not getting any of the yeah, you're right. There's a lullant. Yeah, but Saying you got a little strong because what they're actually doing is they are Fascinated into silence. They're fascinated. They're compiling their top 15s in their head I've never been anywhere before where top 15s is even a thing. Yeah

Why not talk? Let's go. Yeah a thing. Yeah. Why not a top 10? But in Glasgow, they're obsessed with top 15s, not top 5s or top 10s like most people. Top 15s. It's going to be top 15s. Yeah. Top 15s. Where am I? You've done four. You've done 11 dairy milk, 10 fruit and nut. Okay. Well that's interesting because you said the nuts in Snickers help with structural integrity That's why it's above The fruit and nut, what's that at now? What number is that? Fruit and nuts 10, above the dairy milk because it's got no structural integrity Fruit and nuts 10

Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts which as we know provides structural integrity But we're nowhere near the new garbage snacks, yeah. Yeah. Can I say as well? Yeah, mate, what's a Milky Way? We're commenting a lot on audience reaction, but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on, because it's so up my street.

Yeah. Do you know that? We're in the top ten now. We're in top ten. We're in. We're in the top 10 now. We're in top 9. This is great. So number 9. Oh my god. A Dime Bar.

A Dime Bar. That would be a sip once it was finished. Fucking you. You lip man. You put your head in the dragon's mouth. You took your life into your own hands there. We can't do anything for you. Would it take you to think think a dime bar at mouth or just...

It would be a soup with just some caramelly croutons. But that's rock hard in the middle. You're talking about structural integrity. That is like a fucking iron bar. That is incredible. Iron brew bar, number nine. That is not chocolate, Ian. It's whatever you want. It's not legal. Is it? So it can be what you... Eight. Chocolate orange. Who said that? Right, we might have a spoiler for the top five. Chocolate orange. The deep fried chocolate orange. Yeah. Just like a viking. You're not going individual segments battered, you're doing the whole thing. No, the whole thing. I dip my hand in like that. Fingers fried. Worth it. Yeah. Worth it.

I might lose a hand, but it's in the name of science. Yeah. Good on you, man. Your mate from the Edamame beans eating a chocolate orange with the foil still on. So where are we in the list now? Seven now. Seven, star bar. Star bar, seven. That was suggested but that was always going to be seven.

I like how as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things, you're shouting out more because you're so anxious that your favourites isn't going to be in the list. Yeah. Please! Sex bounty. Oh, I thought bounty was...

Ian. Bounty, I think... But the celebration's bounty. Which tastes better than bounty. Interesting. Man, I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life. This is controversial stuff. This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage I've ever been in my life.

Yeah. Yeah, man. Five. Boost. Boost. Boost. Boost number five. Ian, what is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15,

is you're running through the list as if you've got it preplanned in your your head? Hang on, every time you say a number, the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say. Number five, boost, boost. That's not true, number four. What he said. Oh my God. There should be a law passed that that can only be said in a Scottish accent. That was, that, I got a boner when I heard that. That was incredible. Absolutely, a curly, whirly boner at that. Amazing.

Yeah. I've never heard that said in a Scottish house before. Never. It was incredible. Carly Warley. It was the way he said it, I imagined his eyes literally rolling round in his head. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. It was. It was. It's so perfect. So look, he just woke up. Yeah. Carly Warley. And then went back. You know what? There's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet. They're so perfect. So look, he just woke up? Yeah. Oh, they're warl-ing!

He went back. You know what, there's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet, and if it isn't said... This is why that's what I was hoping would be brought up. What? The Kit Kat Chunky. The Kit Kat Chunky? Well, if I...

Spoiler all out. Uh-oh. The Kit... Four! Oh, there we go. Now, is it a spoiler alert alert Ian or have you just remembered? Currently Warley. Three, twix, two, Snickers, one, Kit Kat Chunky.

Whoa, what happened? What happened to the double decker? No double decker. No double decker. No double Decker mentioned no Mars. Mars didn't even make the top 15. Yeah. We haven't even got to the new Gar base bars yet. None of them made it into the top 10. The

best one. You've already you'd already named. Best one before that. So well, at least he's got his number one locked in. Yeah, chocolate orange never came up again either. Oh, my God! Yeah, spoiler for the top five. Shouldn't have thought so. Forgot about it.

As soon as someone shouted out Curly Whirly. I've never been made to feel a fool about a thing that's not known a thing that's not a thing. Yeah. I can't believe... Now, you're probably probably gonna school me here. I mean, really should move on from deep fried chocolate bars. But I hate to say I'm gonna sound like a novice. I'm sure you're gonna think this is a ridiculous thing. But,

Tunnett's coming away for not getting deep fried? Don't have you fry it. It's just perfect as it is. Is it? It's perfect. It's one of the it is It's perfect one of the best It's the best chocolate bar in Britain. I mean you talk about structural and I'm not saying that to Panda It's the best chocolate bar in Britain. It's not a chocolate bar. Huh? It's surely not a chocolate bar. What? Biscuit fucking I'm sorry. Well, who's this guy? Do are we okay with this? Sorry? Sorry, the Tunnels caramel wafer is a biscuit Well, who's this guy? Are we okay with this? Sorry. Sorry. The Tonnex Caramel Wafer is a biscuit.

Yeah! Whoa, stop. What the fuck? Are you even from Glasgow? It's a chocolate bar. A biscuit? I'm sorry. What the fuck? Is it what? A biscuit? I'm sorry, I have something.

What the fuck? Yeah, so biscuit, you can have it with like a cup of tea, a cup of coffee, you can have two or three at a time, like you can with a biscuit. You've just described a chocolate bar, Ed. It's in the biscuit aisle. Well, aisle. Also, that's another thing with Scottish accent. Never has aisle had so many syllables in it

in its entire life. Aya-la. It should not be in the biscuit aisle. Aya-la. I'm gonna campaign like people did against Jaffa Kecks. Make sure it gets to the top of the top. What is it if they start hard and go soft? They're a cake. No, if they start hard and go soft? They're a cake.

No, if they start hard and go soft, it's a biscuit. And if they start soft and go hard, it's a cake. And the law decided that. The law decided that. Yeah, there was a big... In it, there was a Jaffa cake case. You know the Jaffa cake case? It's about taxes, isn't it? It's about tax. Yeah, you pay more tax on

That's it. Yeah, they baked a massive one Hang on you just believe everything this audience say And actually you do you are aware that you haven't got these on an in here we can This is like this is like you're on Anton Dex Saturday night takeaway and they're telling you everything to say. They baked a massive one! Yeah they baked a massive one, I don't know if you... You're talking to us like we haven't heard them every time. Look, listen, when you're a boy from Edinburgh, when you hear a Scottish accent, you do as you're told. LAUGHTER Jaffa cakes have been good deep fried as well. We should move off this.

Dream side dish, because I've just looked at the clock. We're at an hour. We've got over half of it to go. We've got half left. This is mad. That's the biggest side track we've done on tour. Yeah, that was... I regret doing that. Oh, hey, we all regret it. Side dish, Ian. Do you know what I keep doing as well? I keep trying to think which friends are fully named

to ask it to get it taken out. You've not fully named anyone, but I think I feel like how many as are they called? Yeah, more than you know, actually. Yeah. Dream side dish, thanks for asking. Yes. Mae'r ddweud yn ddweud. Mae'r ddweud yn ddweud. Dwi'n ddweud. Dwi'n ddweud.

Hagus bonbons. Mae'r ddweud yn ddweud. Mae'n ddweud yn ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'n ddweud. Mae'r ddweud. Yeah. Well to do. Yeah. I've never heard of this. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. Never heard of it.

My favourite is there's a place in Edinburgh called Angels with Bagpipes. Cool pub on the Royal Mile. Oh yeah, I love the pub. It's part of the witchery. It's like the pub bit of the witchery. They do good bonbons. Can you name your top 15 places to get haggis bonbons? Probably more confident than I could do chocolate bars. No, yeah, tell us more about Haggis Bon Bon. Small, circular, lovely bits of Haggis, fried, and then they normally come with a dipping sauce, normally a whiskey dipping sauce, and Edinburgh we do chippy sauce with it.

Aye, it's... Aye! Aye! We would have got him out. If we had gone with you, we could kick him out now and be out after at the right time. They would have been perfect. Yeah, normally chippy sauce and then you dip the little circular balls of goodness and you... There's like two bites of bonbon. It's the best size I think. You normally get three to four bonbons a serving. Sometimes they put it on some leafs if it's posh. L-E-I-T-H. Yeah. They put it on that and then sometimes even there's like a little carrot but it's like cut dead thin. But you spot it right, you can spot it. I see it straight away.

What's that doing here? Like Predator Vision. Yeah. What's that cheeky little boy doing? Flick that away. Nudge it off. Predator Vision is in the horror movie character. Ian's not one of the ones you need to worry about.

And I don't really know what else to say on that. I love Haggis, man. I came to Haggis too late in life, I think. So it feels great. We have to discreet it. We have to discreet it. That's the problem, Haggis, but it's actually delicious. And actually, despite what this audience thinks, vegetarian Haggis is a triumph.

Yeah. Yeah, it's brilliant. They just fear change. Well, actually, earlier when someone said vegetarian haggis, everyone did not get the response we were all expecting. Everyone was like, shut up, it's great. So really? Yeah, actually a lot of people throw the veggie haggis.

The first time I had haggis, you know when you buy it from like the supermarket in the plastic and you steam it? Do you know which one you got? No, no, no, I don't know. But you steam it and then you put the knife in and it starts oozing out like a big pimple fuck me that's satisfying Yeah, it's amazing the pressure that builds up in that fucker And also the best way to cook it send the microwave, which is dead quick

Like the easiest way to cook it is in my opinion the best way to do it. Oh When the microwave for a minute spot How much do you ever get because because you live in London now, and you speak differently there, and you don't like, you kind of denounce Scotland a lot. How often do you get to eat Haggis in London? I still have it a lot.

Get it set down. My mum sends me it sometimes, and we care package. Oh. She does. What else is in the care package? Just the big old shoebox full of spag ball. Iron Brew, Tonics Teacakes, which are great. Deep fry those.

Deep fry those. I love a Tonics Teacake. I love a Tonics Teacake. Dark chocolate ones are my favorites. Is that controversial? Say no, I prefer the dark chocolate Tonics Teacakes to the milk ones. No, the dark chocolate ones are nice. The ones with jam we don't trust chocolate tonics, tea cakes to the milk ones?

No, the dark chocolate ones are nice. The ones with jam we don't trust. Oh, you don't like the jam one? No. That's a jammy dodger, innit? It's a wagon wheel. Wagon wheel, that's what I'm looking for. It's a chubby wagon wheel. Chubby wagon wheel.

That sounds like something someone in Glasgow, oh, you're going chubby wagging me. What was that, you chubby wagging me? Oh, say that to my face, you fucking chubby wagging me. That's a great side. I love it. Dream drink here. I'll go Guinness. Yeah, but from Dublin. My wife, there's a my wife there's a pub

So It's the same What is oh Again, it's everywhere is the same. No, no, no Dublin's much better Do you know what Ireland because because my wife's from Ireland and like sometimes they say things like cat like the Butters better in Ireland and like Cabbage chocolate is better in Ireland and like cabbages chocolate is better in Ireland It's wild. It's not it's the same, but Guinness is so much better in Ireland. It's it's like undeniably better I used to be of that thought and then I realized I think they're probably the same and I'm just being a complete wanker. No No, it's thicker. I'm just being a complete wanker. No. No, man. No, I think it's just...

It's Theka. It's a creamier. I'm sure it used to be different because they know how to look after Guinness, they know how to look after the pipes, and they know the right glasses to use. But I think that school of thought has transferred more over to the UK.

So I think you can get good Guinness in the UK now. Right. I don't, I think that's bollocks. I think it's nice in the UK, but when I first heard, had a point of Guinness and Dublin, it was like my head was in a Mr Whippy machine. Yeah, that's what it feels like. It feels like your head's in a Mr Whippy machine. Yeah, you've always said that, haven't you? I've always, I've said a lot of things today, you know.

And I only regret about 60, I don't regret 60% of it. Yeah, no, I would go Dublin. Lovely. A particular pub in Dublin? Yeah, I like down to Bray near Dublin. There's a few pubs down there I really like. Do you split the G? I've attempted it. It's impossible. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Is that when you drink down to the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck me, man. I was at a wedding in Ireland and a guy came up to me after the main ceremony, really nice bloke. I was like, hey, hey, hey, man, how's it going? Didn't say you knew or was or anything. Just like, enjoying the wedding? Yeah, cool.

Went into it for the meal. He went, I want to get a Guinness, do you want to get it? I was like, yeah. Put it back. You went, right, you got a drink down there. I said, what? Fuck you, a nice man. I gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gydwch chi'n gyd And then he would get more and more drunk. And then eventually he just went, why you ask people to pop them bread? I thought, oh shit, this guy's known who I am all along.

He's really got it in for me. He's furious. He's drunk in me in Guinness, because he keeps trying to beat me at a competition I'm not playing. Splitting the Gs in nightmare, then you've got that sort of gambling thing, He's drunk in me in Guinness, he keeps on beating me at a competition and I'm not playing. Splitting the G's at night man, then you've got that sort of gambling thing where like then you think, this time. This pint.

Sorry. I'm just laughing at how stupid to remember the name of the place is. What's the name of the place? It's called the Harbour Bar. But I forgot that. Oh there you go. So we need to put some suggestions up and one of them was the Harbour Bar. The Harbour Bar is... Oh, there you go. It's the best.

It's very good. It's amazing pub. Yeah? It's amazing pub. It's got live music on different types and different areas. It's like a mind fuck when you're drunk. Because you're in one gig, it's like live, rocky people, and then you walk into the next room and there's like a guy with a fiddle and you're like, what's happening?

My life's falling apart. That's where you want to go? Yeah. And the Guinness is just next level. I once went with my father-in-law once and he, we had like so many... Let's have his full name and job and anything that has ever done a disgrace himself. I love the Guinness from Ireland and it is better What do you want? What do you want on the top? Oh for you gotta go with a four leaf clover, right? No, no, this they fucking don't do that in Ireland. They get angry about that shit. No logo in the phone. Oh Is that a thing you just got rumbled my friend?

Another get rub you asked me that surely this Hang on, no, you asked me! Not surely the sort of thing they do. I was just, yes, Andy, I was playing along. You said O'Neal's pubs do that and stuff, it's a bit. I think it is quite hard to do it though. Yeah, I think it is quite hard. Like getting a love heart in your coffee. This is the dream restaurant, you can have whatever you like in the phone.

I want nothing! Why are you pressuring me? Well, it just seems a shame that you're ordering a Guinness in the dream restaurant and I can genie up anything in that phone for you, and you're having nothing. I could write a whole Robert Burns poem in there for you. I want Tiamos then. What? Tiamos. What the fuck?

Oh wait, Tiamos. Yes. Tiramisu? He wants tiramisu in the top of his... Oh, imagine a Guinness and the head is a tiramisu. Oh wait, Tirmus? Yes. Tirmusu? He wants Tirmusu in the top of his... Oh, imagine a Guinness and the head is a Tirmusu. Oh my God! We've just spotted another gap in the market!

I'd speak fondly of me at my funeral because I'm in heaven. That's what I wanted at the top of my Guinness, the phrase, speak fondly of me at my funeral because I am in heaven. Yeah, that's lovely. Good phrase. Yeah. Speaking of Tim and Masou, let's get on to your dream dessert. I've not, I mean, there's this fly.

I'm not, despite everything that's happened tonight, and there's a lot that's happened tonight, I've not got much of a sweep tooth. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha All right. I once went to the Heston Blue Mintile restaurant, Fat Duck. And it was a dessert. Hey, I'm Ernie. Well, I'm not Ernie. My wife's Ernie. And there was a dessert, it was a pillow that floated, it was floating. I'm not making this up. I know this is a dream restaurant, but this is just something that happened. No, this actually happened. There was a pillow floating and the dessert was on the floating pillow. Right.

All I remember is I said on the plate, don't touch the pillow. And this is where my wife knows me. When they brought it over, my wife literally let in and went, don't touch the pillow. And this is how well my wife knows me. When they brought it over, my wife literally let in and went, don't touch that pillow. Because she knew I was having that pillow. Anyway, I don't remember what it was. What was on it? I don't remember anything. I just remember the floating pillow. I don't remember what dessert was on it. I was just so taken aback by the pillow so basically the point I'm trying to make is I want the floating pillow but I want a cheeseboard on it Our first live cheeseboard. Take a seat, Ian.

Take a seat, Ian, and take your licks, my friend. This is not going to be nice. This is the first one of the two. And I wish it wasn't a word that is a sign of affection here, but you can't make James, but he's having it on a floating pillow Did hear that he was having it on a floating pillow because he can't remember the dessert that was on it originally which is even worse But there was a lovely dessert on that floating pillow. You can't even remember it You're about to put a shitty cheeseboard on it And what sort of cheeses would you like on the floating pillow?

Like the sort of, the most, just the most savoury ones. Yeah, good choice, yeah. Probably more cracker than cheese really. Alright, fuck off mate. No, I'm joking. I do like a cheddar. Like a mature cheddar. Just really mature. I'd like a stilted.

And then I'm out of cheeses now. Doesn't even know cheeses. He's got an E-T-Bord. He knows the main two that everyone knows. It's called Emmerdale. I'll have Emmerdale. What is it? Emmerdale? Emmerdale. He wants Emmerdale? Emmerdale! He wants Emmerdale, James. M-Mango! What's it called?

M-M-Jango! He wants... He wants Emmerdale, he wants M-Jango. Stillton! Shedder! Stillton, Shedder, Emmerdale, M-Jango. M-Jango! What else do you want? Um... Oh, the baby bell, fuck it.

The baby bell? I know we don't have a baby bell. It's a lovely cheeseball. Emmerdale and Manjango. Even you would not like Manjango. I would like Manjango. Not even Manjango. Fuck me.

Beautiful Spanish cheese manjango. Absolutely. It's always offensive when someone chooses a cheese board. But when you can't even name more than two cheeses. I named like five, then. Yeah. I've got Nude Flash, James. He named five cheeses.

Two cheeses, a soap opera, a made up word, and then a processed plasticky cheese that everyone knows. What else do you want? Any other cheeses? What ones do I like? Blue. Don't shout out cheeses for him now. Blue.

Hey, Brie! Oh, Brie! I love Brie. Also, blue. You said so you want stilton and blue, which is nice. Blue. Vainy.

What's a vainy one? Fucking Smurf's dick. What's blue and vainy? What's blue and vainy? Oh, what's the meaty looking one? It's sort of, it's long and it's smoky and it looks like a sausage. Smurf's dick.

You keep saying it, we'll keep saying it. You keep setting this up for it. Do you know the one? Jesus fucking moron. The ones you get in supermarkets when you can buy five cheeses for a pound. The smoke one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that one.

I love that. I love that. Sterling, you used to like host kids TV. Yeah? If those kids, if those kids knew that you were a cheeseboard motherfucker, they wouldn't have watched any of that shit. I bet Hacker, I bet Hacker wouldn you were a cheeseboard motherfucker, they wouldn't have watched any of that shit. I bet Hacker wouldn't choose a cheeseboard. CHEERING

Hacker the dog. The OG. Yeah. We're just innocent men. Yeah. How do you feel that Hacker's done his best work since you've left? Well, I mean... That is true.

It is mad that he sort of carried on and become a sort of stalwart of the BBC. I'm sort of like the, what's the, Rob, no Robbie from EastEnders, what's the, he got chucked out of EastEnders and he's, what, Willard or Walard, what's the dog from EastEnders? Walard. Walard, carried on. I'm like Robbie from EastEnders or whatever his name is. Dean Gaffney. Jim Gaffney. Dean Gaffney. I don't know how the fuck you know, I bet I'll get you the name of Cheese. We've gone past an hour and 20 now so Ian's forgotten all words.

I've forgotten everything. James, do you want something to cheer you up? Yeah, I would like something to cheer me up after that absolute kick in the balls. I love a dilly-dum curlle. I love one of them as well. Thank you very much. Fuck me, man. Now he's gone, you're lucky I'm not beating the shit out of you. Oh, it's another pot.

Got a little message on the screen there that to end the show, before we do Ian's menu, we have received a Deep Fried Mars ball. Yeah, boy! Yeah, boy. I want it. Can I film New Zealand? Deep fried Mars Yeah boy I Want it can I film music in it you can I mean I'm not sure where my blood glucose levels sitting now because I'll do it all If you are there are two there are two of them. Yeah, good. Can I film you doing? I was genuinely gutted if I wasn't gonna get a full one

You can film us doing it in but I would is there not a little bit of manjango for me? Let me see it. Don't even show it. OK, that's not funny. There's bits of paper stuck to mine. I've not got bits of paper to mine. There you go. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers, everybody.

There's absolutely no structural integrity to that whatsoever. Lady in the Trampit, you wish you fucking Perf. It's delicious. I absolutely love this. Yours is more full. Look at mine. That's mine backie. Oh yeah, that's not a bad one. It's covered in paper and there's got no insides That's the problem with deep fry chocolate though people sort of go oh the figures gonna be wild and Anita and it's just really nice Can I read what I just said there what did your team just wrote on the screen stop talking and do the fucking menu. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I wonder what else I'm meant to do here. Ian, I'm going to read you a menu about Cheena. I'll see how you feel about it. James's eyes have glazed over. I've never met a menu with a full boner before.

Don't forget all 15 chocolate bars as well, please. Water, pass. Problems of bread, Keema Naan from Mother India with chicken baguora blended dip. Starter, cheesy truffle risotto from espatti. Oh, nice to have cheesy stuff. Main course. Spaghetti bolognese with an offensive amount of pasta cooked by his mum.

Side dish, haggis bonbon, some angels and bagpipes. Drink, a Guinness from the Harbour Bar in Dublin. In Bray. In Bray, yeah. Dessert? Never mind. LAUGHTER The off-menu menu of Ian Sterling! Thank you.

Thank you very much, Glasgow. You've been absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for coming. What's going on in Sterling? Ian Sterling, yeah! Thank you very much, Glasgow. You've been absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for coming. What story in Stirling? In Stirling. Thank you very much. Good night. There we are. Brilliant episode with Ian. Thank you so much for coming to do it, Ian. And he is on tour now doing his stand-up show, Relevance.

Go to IanDoesJokes.com. That's Ian, one of the crazy Ian's with an extra I for tickets. I'll just say, IanDoesJokes.com for tickets. Yeah, the true fans know how to spell Ian Sterling. Yeah, that's true. You know? Bye! Goodbye. Your team can request a ride with top rated drivers, and you can track every trip on the live map in the Uber app.

Uber Teen Accounts. Invite your team to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. Hello, I'm Sarah Pascoe. And I'm Carrie Adloid. You might remember us from the peak of our careers, appearing on the excellent Off Menu podcast.

It's the greatest we've ever felt, and we know we'll never achieve that again. from the peak of our careers, appearing on the excellent Off Menu podcast. It's the greatest we've ever felt, and we know we'll never achieve that again. But if you remember those episodes and enjoyed what we did, you might be a fan of our book choices and our new comedy podcast, Sarah and Carrie-Ed's Weirdo's Book Club. Imagine us not talking about food, but talking about books.

But with the comedians you know from Off Menu, like Nish Kumar, John Kern, Sophie Duker and more. We're not copying them, we're doing our own thing. It's totally different. It's about books. It's about books. There's no genies involved. It's a space for the lonely outsider to feel accepted and appreciated. Just like James A. Custer's bedroom. Eww! A place for the person who'd love to be in a real book club but doesn't like wine or nibbles.

You can read along, share your opinions, or just skulk around in your raincoats like the weirdo you are. Thank you for reading with us. We like reading with you. We've got the ending wrong as well.