Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 250: Patti Harrison

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

US stand-up and ‘I Think You Should Leave’ star Patti Harrison is this week’s dream dinner guest. She arrived so early her table wasn’t ready yet. Trigger warning: this episode contains talk of eating disorders. Patti Harrison is bringing her show ‘My Huge Tits Huge Because They Are Infected NOT FAKE’ to London’s Soho Theatre at the end of May and the Edinburgh Fringe in August.Follow Patti on Instagram @party_hardersonRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I am Charlotte Casaragui and in partnership with the House of Chanel, I present to you the Les Rencontres podcast. As part of the Rendez-vous littéraire at Rue Cambon, this podcast spotlights the birth of a female writer. You can listen to the various episodes and their authors on your preferred streaming platforms. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, peeling the banana of the internet. That's what I got this week.

That's it, Gamble. My name is James A. Castor. We're a banana, I guess. Yeah, we're a banana. I was just trying to work out whether I should do a fruit salad, and I thought that's a bit involved because I need loads of these intros. So why not just do it fruit by fruit? So that's the first of a series. Yeah, it could be. But I mean, all the episodes come out in a different order. So this is the first one, but you might be hearing this way after we've, we've broadcast some of the other fruits in the fruit salad. Yeah. And then eventually, I guess you will say, welcome to the off menu

podcast. Yes. We've got ourselves a fruit salad. We've got ourselves a fruit salad. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So that will be on an episode that you've either heard already or is coming up. And the intro will simply be welcome to the off Menu podcast, you got yourself a fruit salad. Yeah. And then when Ed has done that, if you, the listeners can send in all the ingredients of the fruit salad that he's already said, send it to Bonito. You get a signed chopping board. You get a signed chopping board by the great Bonito, we'll sign a chopping board and send

it to you. But you have to send him all of the fruits in order yeah that we recorded them in yeah because i will say that's the second fruit going in for the next time i do it okay yeah that's generous of you because you could do it that you just say the fruits and they have to work out what order we recorded the episode oh yeah that's quite hard actually i suppose it's for a signed chopping board so i should make it a bit yeah. Yeah. So let's just do it that we do a different fruits. The last one that goes out- I think I like banana in a fruit salad.

I like it in a fruit salad. It goes a bit soft. It goes a bit soft, you have to kind of like, I mean, it's a weird start. Yeah. To the fruit salad. But- But listen out for this.

We'll make sure that we've got ourselves a fruit salad goes out last. Yes, absolutely. And then when you've heard that, send in all the ingredients for the fruit salad in the order that we sent them in. Yeah. And then when you've heard that, send it all the ingredients for the fruit salad in the order that we sent them in. Yeah. And then that we recorded them in and then great, but he will send you a sign chop. Yeah, that's tricky. How are we going to make sure that the, you got yourselves a fruit salad goes out last? We'll do. Yeah, we can do that.

We can work that out. I think we can do that. But he wants us to be very clear. Uh, cause he's already, um, we just literally just came up with this idea on the spot and he's already exasperated by it. He's absolutely gutted, but, uh, he wants to make it clear that only the first person to guess it will get the chopping board like last time, whatever it was that we did. And they did get it. He did sign the chopping board and said, he will do it again this time, but it is just for the first person who gets it. And this is harder. This one. Oh, it's very hard. This. And this could go on for, I mean, given how far in advance we record, this could go on for 18 months or two years. Yeah. Yeah. So you really have to be a hardcore fan. Yeah. Also, the next intro I do, I'm almost certainly going to forget about that. I'm not forgetting

about it. So I will remind you wherever you're stuck. Yes. That's a gamble. My name is James Acaster. We own a dream restaurant and we invite a guest in every single week. We ask them their favorite side dish, drink. Wow. Starter, dessert, our main course, not in that order. First person to put them in the right order gets a signed chopping board. And this week our guest is Patty Harrison.

Patty Harrison, a brilliant comedian, writer, performer. She is of course in, I think you should leave. Yeah. And like also taking her new standup show to the Edinburgh festival. Yes. Which everyone should go and check out. She's over here in the UK quite a lot.

So do check out Patti's live dates because she's often at the Soho theater. I think she likes performing in the UK. So she's here fairly often. I highly recommend going to see one of her shows. She was of course also in the UK, so she's here fairly often and I highly recommend going to see one of her shows. She was of course also in Shrill, which I absolutely love. Yeah, Shrill's fantastic. She was in an episode of She-Hulk, she got married. Yes.

It's her wedding and let's just say it didn't go according to plan. Oh, thank you very much. Very excited to speak to Patti. I think it's going to be an interesting episode. Yes, Patti is unpredictable. Yes. Which means that when we had to come up with a secret ingredient for this episode, an ingredient which we deemed to be unacceptable, it's pretty difficult to like pick one that maybe Patty would

say. Yeah. Or pick what Patty wouldn't say. But we've connected it to her work. So they go credit to her work. And as one of the sketches from season three of I think you should leave. So this week, the secret ingredient is a cup of dog shit, a cup of dog shit, season three of I think you should leave so this week the secret ingredient is a cup of dog shit a cup of dog shit a cup of dog shit we're not going to ruin the sketch for you no but it's a cup of dog shit and it is at least intended to be drunk by someone yes I think already we have a certain different types of listeners. And I think there's some of our listeners in it now going, oh, it's disgusting episode. Yes. No, thank you. But it probably will be a disgusting episode. Yes. I would wager so like, you know, if you are one of those people

doesn't like to discuss them. But maybe you wait until the evening to listen to this one. Yeah, I think so. This is a post watershed episode and imagine. Yeah. Yeah. Should we get into it? I think we should get into it. I'm very excited about this. The first fruit salad episode. This is the off menu menu of Patty Harrison. Welcome Patty to the dream restaurant. Thank you. Welcome Patty Harrison to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. What? There were two different welcomes. Yes. Which one did you prefer and be honest

and you can critique them if you like. Yours felt more formal. Yes. And Ed's was like more if it wasn't a podcast and it was just like meeting you in person. Yeah. So I think you maybe yours to more appropriate for this. Mine made you feel like you're on a podcast.

Yeah, I felt like I was on a podcast and it woke me up a little bit. And Ed's felt like... I like to ease, I like to ease again. Yeah, docile, yes. Yeah, that's the style that I go for. Now, James always says we've been expecting you for some time, but what's happened with you, Patti, just to let the listener know, is that we were supposed to record this another time, but you showed up a full week early.

Yeah, I showed up a full week early. And the way you say it too is really, it makes it sound like I did that, like it's my fault. No, no, I'm not even, I'm not saying it's your fault, certainly. And I don't think it's a bad thing. I actually think you're our keenest guest of all time. It's funny. Now what's keen mean?

Yeah, eager. Hmm. That's true. I was actually pretty terrified. I remember on the ride to the incorrect ride, I took an Uber to this very studio and I remember kind of being in the car being like, what the fuck? Am I allowed to cuss? Yeah. What the fuck's my stardom going to be? Yeah. And then, yeah, I was talking to James about it earlier, but I was texting with Charlie because we were like also talking about like making plans at some point and

I was like, by the way, I'm like on my way to go record with Ed for off menu and she was like, oh, he's out of the country. I was like, yeah, right, bitch. Weird dry sense of humor. But she was right. Yes, she was correct. My wife tends to know if I'm at the country or not. Yeah, I keep her abreast of these situations.

Oh, breast? A wife abreast? Right. Well, both of you need to stop this immediately. You got a freaky marriage, man. Strange. Isn't his marriage freaky? Hey, and guess what?

I'm sure that's just kind of like the tip of... Breast? Iceberg. Tip of breast. that's nipple. Yeah, come on. That's what we say. Yeah. That one says, I'd like to touch your tip of the breast.

Yeah, but you would say? Nipple, I'd like to touch a nipple. Yeah. Well, when you say tip of the breast, it evokes the image of, or invoke, what invokes or evokes? Evokes, I'd say evokes. Evokes the image of a breast with no nipple, but a point. A nipple that, a breast that comes to a point with no nipple, no aerial, no nothing.

I almost said cornea. No cornea to it. I'm also corneas. I don't mind, I mean, I don't mind it as an image. Yeah? Yeah. You like a breast with an eye? An eyeball? No, I meant with no nipple, but then now you're talking about it, a breast with an eye.

Yeah. Not bad. You'd like that? Not bad. Not bad. What say you, a breast size nipple? And not plural, just one. Yeah.

Look, I think each to their own. Yeah, we talked about yours. And who are these each? Yeah. When you think each to their own and yeah, they talked about you. Who are these each? Yeah, when you say each to their own who are you? the owner well, I'm I'm I'm thinking about the owner of the Breast size nipple and fair enough fair enough to them and good luck. These are like vague platitudes I feel deflecting like the intimacy of real details that could kind of like flesh out a greater internal world around what your real feelings are about it. But that's okay. And I won't push.

I'll be honest. I've been thinking about the eye, the eye nipple. And then I started thinking about what if, what if it had a monocle and then I felt pretty weird and just started talking. So it's nearsighted. Yeah. And it's got like a steampunk Yeah, aesthetic. Oh Steampunk dress. I guess that's I wouldn't want to investigate that very much either No Here's what I'm wondering is your menu today gonna be the same as the menu that you had in your head when you turned Up on the wrong day. You're about to fucking find out

It is It actually is I think this was I had a lot of time to think about it. So it has changed. To be honest, to be jokes aside, mask off. Yeah. But will we get to hear what it was originally on the day that you came a week early? Do you think we'll hear the shift? If you'd like. Yeah. Well, would you say it's fair to say that you are forever changed by that day so that all the foods you liked before you turned up on the wrong day, you'd never eat that anymore

because you're scarred by the fact that you turned up on the wrong day and now you're a completely different person. I think you're assuming that that day had, that moment had more of an impact on me than it may have. That's like really presumptuous of you. What I will say is that, you know, doesn't every day changes forever?

Every day changes us forever. You in the future, you is led to where you will be then by the who you are today. And what I will say is that the menu upon my first visit before my trauma was was more earnest. I guess maybe the newer menu is tinged with. I don't know what's it called when you're like you want to kill someone you can't. You're not allowed to because of and you have and you guys made laws.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the laws and we took some of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what is the feeling when you want to kill someone but you can't? Homicidal rage? Yeah, I guess so. Did you say homo-cidal rage? Oh sorry, homo-cidal rage.

So your accents are insane. Sorry, yeah, yeah. They're crazy. I mean, I would say homo-cidal as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I just don't say homo-cide enough. Yes. I just never say it. It's kind of cool. Well, I just don't say homicide enough. Yes. I just never say it.

Yeah. It's kinda cool. But I wouldn't say homo-side. Yeah. I just wouldn't say that. But what if it was like... I don't know why I said homo-side. What if there was some sort of branding where homo-side was actually you saying you're an

ally to the gay community and you're like, it's in really small, tiny, tiny print and says, I'm on that. And then it's just homo-side. Yeah. That's the unit.. I'm on that and then That's the unit. I'm allowed to say that. Yeah, you can say that. Yeah, congratulations. But James said it twice so far. He's not allowed to say it. No, well, yeah, I'm in trouble again.

I drew that from something you didn't say. Yeah, I had to acknowledge it. Yeah. I had to own it. And I think you did awesome. Yeah. I had to own it. And I think you did awesome. Thank you, Patty. We always start with stiller sparkling water.

Do you have a preference? And then there would be the little sound effect you add later. Yeah, Ben would add a little sound effect. Or if you want, you can make your own sound effects now and we can put them in instead for this episode. Okay. So for the stiller sparkling. Is it like the sound of the glass? It's poured in right? I think yeah Yeah, it's like something pouring into a glass. Yeah, it's like Like no that's too like hammy I'm not trying I'm actually not trying to ham it up it'd be like I

Don't know. Cause you know how it like goes from like low to high as like the glass gets filled. It's like, maybe just like would be. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I'm not only squeezed in. Yeah, not only do I think we should use that sound effect

for your episode, I think we should use it for the next episode as well. Yeah. And who's the next? Well, no idea, but they sound effect for your episode. I think we should use it for the next episode as well. Yeah. And who's the next? Well, no idea, but they're in for a treat. I was gonna say, you guys have had so many guests. I was like going through the, to like listen. I was like, you've had so,

you've had every person I've ever seen on this podcast. Yes, you were, I mean, we're recording this at like 9.45. I got here, which is like, that's a normal morning time to record a podcast. That's like, you guys are camera-ing it out. It's almost like my time here means nothing to you. It means everything.

You're the first guest. You're the only one we're gonna care about today. The others who come later, we burn out. We don't need to give a shit. There's multiple other guests Yeah more today, but we're not gonna be listening to him. Is it who is it? Is it like Christina Aguilera and The first one the stingray Aguilera other stingray. Yeah

Don't get him in the same room Stingray. Yeah. Yeah. Correct. Don't get them in the same room. We know that guy. Yeah. Yeah. They're both attention whores. Amazing talents. They're both. Yeah. What do you think the Stingray would choose for still sparkling water? Stingrays love water. Well, do they hide, do fish drink?

Good question. Oh, that's a really great question. Are they ingesting salt water? And there's also, I guess that stingray would have been a salt water ray. I kind of think maybe sparkling to be, you know, maybe it would, it would be like, you'd be like still are sparkling and it would be like, I have to say sparkling or be like, I have to say sparkling. And then you would be like, I have to say, spackling. And then you would be like, she's lying. You've never had sparkling water.

No, never had sparkling water. It's an interesting question. They can zap, right? They can zap. Yeah. What do you mean? Stingrays can zap people. Is that true?

No. They can't. There's electric eels. I think there are like skates that can generate maybe electric current, but stingrays have the barb. The barb. Oh, so they just stab. They stick it in you and it has venom in it. That's how we lost Steve Irwin.

I thought they zapped people and they were like electric. So were you going to say, because if a stingray could zap, they make all water sparkling. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, like they have a little soda stream. Yeah. A little soda stream. Yeah, like stingrays could drink water and then produce sparkling water,

but they just stab people, which is horrific. Yeah. So it's like, so how does this electric ray get from producing electricity to then carbonating the water? Well, cause it would like, you know, it just saps it with all the electricity and makes it spark.

I think that's how it works. What the soda stream. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Both. You know, I don't honestly know enough about it to. That's what I was banking on. Yeah.

With a lot of my stuff. Yeah. And I don't even know why I'm trying to find a hole in it. That would be like a wonderful idea. We need to know what you like though. Do you like sparkling water? I would say in my previous, the first time I thought I was coming in when I really had my heart into it, I would say if I went to a restaurant, you know, I'm always getting

flat, still watered. But because I am where I am now and I've had the experiences I have now, I'm always getting flat, still water. But because I am where I am now and I've had the experiences I have now, I'm gonna say I'm like gonna fuck up the whole dinner and get sparkling water. I'm gonna start with sparkling water because I'm an insane piece of shit that wants to kill, but I can't.

To start a dinner with sparkling water, that's food. It takes up so much space. Yeah. It's textured. Sparkling water is like the meatloaf of drinks that are water. Yeah. I get exactly what you mean. It is? Yeah. It's too much. It's like you could slice it, right? You cut a big slice of sparkling water for yourself. It's so dense. Yeah. I feel like you could like stuff it. What would you stuff it with?

What do you normally stuff stuff with? I don't know. Maybe like a turducken style thing where it's stuffed with duck. Sparkling water stuffed with duck. Sparkling water stuffed with duck. A pint of sparkling water stuffed with shot glass of sparkling water. Stuffed with shot glasses? Yeah, just like smaller glasses over and over with water. Now, you're going to do it like a turducken? Now, if we take it back out into a turducken, if you went to someone's house and they're like, I made a meal and it's a turducken,

but it's stuffed with glass. What would you think about that? Like what would you think about that? What would I think about that? It would depend on the friend. If it was Ed, for example, if it's someone I know very well, I would be like, okay, Ed's had a nervous breakdown, but I've got to play this very delicately because I don't want to upset him. So I'd eat around the glass, but I would talk to Charlie and go, we need,

we really need to get Ed some help. He's just stuffed a turkey with a glass, with another glass. And he says it was a toducken, but it's clearly. Here's what I think though. I think you inherently trust me about food. So if I turned up with a toducken that was stuffed with glass, I think you'd go, sounds a bit unusual. And then you'd eat it. Yeah. I would probably make a joke about it first and go, Ed, this is a, you stuff this with glass. And then he would say, it's delicious. I've had it before and I love it. And I'm like, I guess I'm eating it. And my mouth will be getting all cut up. I'll be saying thank you. And that'll probably be how it would, my Joker origin story. Yes.

You wanna know how I got these scars? My friend Ed stuffed a turkey with some glass and fed it to me. I think that the relationship that you two have is astronomically and deeply codependent to the point of like, it doesn't just hurt and impact you. It probably hurts the people closest to you and it ripples outward. The great Bonito. Because I can only imagine that

you would have other people there. So it's two people who are very charismatic, seem intelligent, very soft spoken. You two in a room being like, eat the glass. And you probably, and there, you know, I feel like there's a general cultural sense of like politeness conditioning here. And so I feel like there would be a lot of people politely

and guess what? It's fresh out of the oven, it's hot glass. of people politely and guess what? It's fresh out of the oven. It's hot glass. But you have your own free will and again, I don't know why I'm... No, I think everything you've said is valid just then. I can't, you know, and also I would like to point out if it was something I didn't know very well, like you and I have met twice, if it was you and I went around and you were like, I've stuffed this turkey with grass, I would say, oh cool, I'm gonna go to the toilet and then I would leave and you wouldn't see me again.

Because I would be like, I don't know Patty well enough to know that this is gonna be okay. I think she might kill me. Yeah, I don't know. That's really unfortunate to say because just like as a transgender woman, feel like there's a lot of, there's like a pattern in my life of like cis men kind of like doing things like that to me.

Yeah. Ah, well. I think that would kind of drive me not to be homicidal, kind of to turn inward. Yeah. See, the difficult thing for me now in this situation is we're now at the point in the podcast where I have to yell poppadoms or bread at you. But I've just been like, I'm now in an area where I think that would tip it over into full hate crime and then I would not be a good guy. Well, lucky for you, it's opposite day. So it can't be any hate crime today is well intentioned and actually it's kind of like a gasp.

Pop it up so bread, pop it up so bread, Patty Harrison, pop it up so bread. This, I, my inner child is is curled Curling falling out of its little cot. Yeah. Yeah, and it's it Puppet arms or bread are those like little chip crisps That's nice. Okay. Okay. Sorry. I said it that way I was gonna say, I wanna let you guys know, I am more jet lagged than I've ever been in my life. And this is about, for me, the time I would normally

go to bed in Los Angeles. My sleep schedule's already fucked up and bad. So it would be like around like, I think like 2 a.m. or something. You go to bed at 2 a.m.? Normally, yeah. That's like when I like start to fall asleep So even if I get in bed earlier than that, I usually don't like naturally

Stop thinking about killing a bunch of people at the mall Killing a bunch of people in movie theater, but that's like American Yeah, I don't know. I don't know like we're in London. We're talking about things you guys like. I would say bread. I think originally I would have said Papa Dom's. Am I saying that correctly? I say incorrectly every episode I've been told that and still haven't corrected myself. Have you had Papa Dom's much in your life?

I think I have. I think I have. Have you been for many sort of late night Indian meals while you've been in the UK? Cause you've done a lot of shows here, right? Yeah, not late night and not on this trip. And not recently. And never. And never.

No, I think I've had it before. I know I've had it before. I don't think I've had it recently. But know I've had it before. I don't think I've had it recently, but I think now my answer would go to bread. Any particular type of bread? You know what the not fun thing is? Is I was bulimic for a really long time. And so I have this anxiety still in my system,

even like long after going through treatment and like therapy and working through it, where there are foods that give me anxiety that I have during that time corrected into being like, oh, my favorite kind of bread is actually like gluten-free bread made of rice or something like that, because it's like, that is what my brain internalized. That's like the lowest calorie bread versus what actually tastes good.

So what this podcast has done is triggered all those feelings in me, in every kind of cell and molecule in my body. So when you ask me what kind of bread and molecule my body. So when you ask me what kind of bread my body wants to say, imaginary bread, pass on the bread. Yeah. And that's a scary place to come back to. I was so healthy and good up until this moment. Yeah. Yeah. So we've done all of that work. Yeah. And even worse, the time for you to do this podcast is it's been ages this way,

because you turned up a week earlier now it's, you know, months later. So we've basically triggered all of that. And it's been weeks and weeks and weeks that you've had to sit with that. Yeah. And I'll just be frank, I forgot my gun. Things would be different on this trip.

I had a plan. That being said, maybe Fakasha. I would say maybe focaccia. That is what I will say to not misconstrue anything. I think now it does take me a second to be like, well, what would I actually like? And I just like when it's like sourdough maybe. I think that's a simple,

I think I like the outside more than I like the inside, but don't tell anybody I said that. Well, we could look, this is the dream restaurant, so we can just give you the outside of sourdough. A whole basket of sourdough outside. Okay. I would love the inside scooped out, very, very conspicuously thrown in the trash outside.

There's a dumpster out front of the restaurant where people have to queue and the employees are like really, really like trauma trained to they have to really make a big to do, like they have to be really loud when they throw all of it in the trash in front of everybody. And to be like, ah, like that it's really heavy. It's like a lot of bread going to waste.

That's fine, we can do that. Wouldn't it be cool if we hadn't abused like our planet so bad, we could live in a world where like we could have a lot of fun with food waste in that way. It would be great. And now we can't, because it's bad. We did at one point live in that world, right?

Where we were just having a lot of fun with food waste Can you plot the years out? I'm kind of thinking the 90s. I guess if I'm honest, I'll be honest with both of you about what the period of history I'm thinking of mmm that popped in my head genuinely is the food flight in Bugsy Malone And I know that's not something that really happened. I know it was just in the film. And so in your mind, that was it. Bugsy Malone is an era of history. Yeah. I was like, it was a time where we were freely wasting food because everyone was throwing food at each other and it was really fun. But I know that didn't happen for real, but in my head,

as we were talking about it then, I was like, there was a time in the fifties where most kids were gangsters and we would throw custard pies at each other all the time. But that meant they died. And that meant they died. Yeah. But then they came back at the end. So I have to, I haven't seen it.

I don't know what you're talking about, but the kids die. They get hit by custard pies, but that then is them, that's essentially them dying and being removed from the film. They're taken off the board when that happens. Yeah. Okay. And that was a fun, cool thing that they had a food fight. Yeah.

At the end, there's like a big like fight with all the guns that fire custard pies at each other and stuff. And so like they have a big one, but then they're all laughing and having a good old laugh with it. And they sing about, if you give a little love, it all comes back to you at the end. Or they're all covered in the food. It's a shame. You think food fights are gone now forever.

Yeah. You won't be able to do, I mean, that's unethical. Did you ever have one in school? Yeah. You did? No. I lied. I like food too much. So I was never going to throw my lunch at anyone.

I would love someone rearing their hand back and they go to throw the food and the food's gone. And then like the tips of their fingers and they turn around and see they, and your eyes are like rolled up in your head like a shark. You have like a membrane that protects your pupils when you like eat. I love that as well. Are you sure you haven't seen Bugsie Muller? That's it. I refuse to see it because I've read the synopsis and there are themes in the film that are

too close to experiences I've had in my real life. Let's start with your dream starter then. Your proper meal now. Okay, see you say a starter, but when I think of starters I usually think of multiple, but maybe that's wasteful or decadent or whatever. Well we've already got the skip out the front full of sourdough inside, so I don't think you need to worry about this restaurant being wasteful. Okay, spaghetti.

Any specifics with the spaghetti? Arabeata. Puttanesca. A red sauce. Yeah, it's all spaghetti. It doesn't matter if it's spicy or not. I don't really like spicy food. I like spicy food. I don't, I have to like be kind of like in a head space knowing that

because I get asked reflux and stuff. So you have to like prepare yourself mentally. I'm going into the spicy food zone now. Well, it depends on how spicy something is, but I would say just like a normal red sauce with spaghetti would be nice, because spaghetti is fun. Why is it fun? Because of the way it's shaped, dumbass.

Have you seen that stuff? Yeah. What's it doing? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what is it doing? It's like kind of doing that. That's for people. I forget people are listening to this.

No, I think I like spaghetti, but I do feel weird that like that pasta like that can be the main and then like that's all you're getting for rest of dinner. Is that, cause it's like not, there's, that's not dinner. Does it feel like dinner to you? Well, that's, I guess you're going for more like the way the Italians would actually do it, having it as a separate course, right?

Yeah, I just feel like people will order like spaghetti, even spaghetti with meatballs. Sorry, I just called it speddy. Really excited thinking about us. Um, gosh. Okay. Um, the inner child is out of its got. I think you're the first person who's told me that inner child is in a cot.

Normally I'd imagine like an inner child being like a giddy sort of kid running around, but yours is completely asleep, right? Like a natural like little baby asleep. Well, you can kind of create any space for your inner child, but I think it's more, you know, it's like when I, when you close your eyes and you think of like childhood ed, what age would you place that? Oh, good question. Weirdly, just for the listener, Patty is the only person closing her eyes right now.

Ed is not closing his eyes to imagine childhood ed, but Patty is doing it. Well, I don't need to close my eyes. I'll close my eyes and imagine childhood ages. It helps. I think I'm maybe four or five. Okay. Yeah. So I'm not in a cup.

Seven, always seven. You're seven. Always. Every time. Yeah. And what is the surrounding, within like, if there's like a, maybe like 10 foot diameter around you, I guess. What is, what's the, what's it look like?

What's the set decor? Outdoors. It's outdoors. It's it look like? What's the set decor? Outdoors. It's outdoors. Maybe a swimming pool. Interesting. Just open my eyes to check, Patty. He's still got his eyes open. He's not doing it at all. I don't need to shut my eyes to go inside my own head. Patty and I are shutting our eyes. It's just richer that way.

Okay. Right. I shut my eyes. Okay. Swimming pool. I think it's swimming pool. Yeah. It's swimming. So your inner child's kind of treading water all the time. No, I'm not in the swimming pool. I'm around the swimming pool. Okay. Is someone watching your inner child? I don't think so. Just you. Are you near the pool? Are you about to take a dip? I might take a dip. I might go and get an ice cream. I'm just romping around, you know?

Okay. That's really, that's an exciting, that sounds like a summer memory. Yeah, I think it is. I think it's from my first, I think it's from my first memory, which is probably when I was three or four, where I was near a pool and put a teddy bear up a tree. Oh yeah, I did know about that. Yeah, I told you that before. You put it, you like threw a teddy bear. And then you got covered in ants, didn't it?

Yeah, I had to save it from the ants. Yeah. That's a strong arm to be a kid that young and get to throw a bear up the tree. I sort of just placed it in a branch that was near to me, I think. Okay. Rather than throw it all the way up to the top of the tree.

And then ants got to it. Yeah, and then ants, well, I saved them from the ants, yeah. Well, I have to ask, it's a teddy bear and then it got covered in ants. So was the teddy bear dirty and like covered in like, I don't know, icing or something? Probably, knowing me, it probably had some sort of like dried sugar based thing on there.

What do you think my inner child says about me, Patti? I think your inner child has a strong sense of play that permeates into your life now, which is why you're a comedian and you cherish that. It also would seem that you're protective, you have this bear that, wait, no, that was a memory. That's not, is that set to court in your... Not really. It's just the pool really okay so it's a

pool okay so you like to swim and James what is what is your yeah uh gun range James is that true are you being funny on your podcast that's that's that's what imagined. Cause when I have my eyes closed and you say gun range, I'm imagining a gun range and now I'm, that's just so you know, I'm really, I'm an empath and this is really scary for me to be in this gun range. And you're seven? You're seven years old. There's gun ranges here?

I own this one in my, I own it. Your inner, okay. Owns a gun range. Yeah. Private gun range, I own it. It inner shell. Owns a gun range. Yeah. Private gun range, I own it. It's private. Just for killing vampires. Oh. Just for vampires.

Okay, and why, what did vampires do? Well, I'm a seven year old. This is my main fear. So I've mainly got all those, you know, all those things that people fire at that are normally human shaped. They got capes and stuff. Well, it's really fast.

They're still aware, you can tell they're wearing a cape. Yeah, a cape. Well, a cape, it's interesting that you bring up because a lot of vampire imagery is actually, in the media, is usually queer coded. And that vampires, a lot of times, represent symbolically the puritanical fear of homosexual people. And so this gun range where you are setting your training,

you're militarized at such a young age to kill vampires, quote unquote vampires, there's just something really fascinating and cool there. And I can't implore you enough to make the homo-side shirts and sell them on your off-menu website. I'm giving you my permission. How have you done it again, James? I can't, well, look, I've learned a lot about myself this episode, I'm gonna go away

and have a very long think about it. It's crazy because I've learned a lot about you both on this episode and I've lost about myself. I've lost things about myself. things about myself. Yeah. Your dream main course. Do you want to do the sound effect first? But in Peter, we usually do like a microwave sound effect or something sometimes.

A microwave? Yeah, like a microwave getting to the end of its cycle. That's one of the sound effects. Yeah. Or like sizzling in a pan, maybe. Sizzling in a pan. Um, what about someone opening an oven and they get hit with, no, it's like they, it's when someone doesn't realize

a pot has been on the stove too long and that it's like everything inside is like burning on fire and they open the pan and they get hit with super heated air and it actually gives them an injury. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So kind of like the sound of the metal like coming off in the noise. Like that. Yeah, that's good.

That's good. Perfect. Yeah, great. We'll use that. Yeah. You know, I would say when I originally was coming to do this, I was like, I think what would be really nice is some sort of like, like congee. I really like that. Like my mom's from Vietnam and there's a lot of comfort foods that she would make kind of weekly that were always on the stove for better, for worse, whether she was like, you know, keeping track of how long they'd been on the stove

or if we were going to get sick from eating it, but it always tasted good. So originally I was like a congee with, yeah, that would be nice. I think that's like a filling. That's like the carby version of, I think, what maybe some people who do spaghetti for main course. I'm also, I'll be honest, I'm pescatarian now, so I'm not really... It's like, I don't know if I can really say that because I think the best congee is like a, it's like a bone bone chicken kind of base. And I've never had like a vegetarian version of that.

But I think because of the way that I feel now in my second go, the final course would just be like a big fucking hot wad of shit filled with tampons. Piece of shit. Arrabbiata. It would be shit in tampons. Tampons prepared like a fusilli or whatever. Soaked in the shit.

A bolognese. A shit bolognese human shit and other whatever's around. So just to be clear, a human shit bolognese is that just like someone's made a bolognese out of human shit or someone eating bolognese and then shit it out? A very good question from James. Well, let's see, James.

This is just like a very simple kind of science question. If you eat bolognese, if you go home after this, you eat bolognese and then 10 hours later, right? That's the normal digestive cycle. You shit. Do you look into the toilet and say, mm, that's bolognese, I'm gonna eat it again. Well, I wouldn't say I'm gonna eat it again.

I wouldn't say, I mean, you said shit mixed with bolognese or bolognese shit. I wouldn't say I'm gonna eat it again, but I might be like, I got the bolognese shits. Not after 10 hours though. That would have to be like within an hour or two, I think. For you to look in and go, that's bolognese, I've got the bolognese. It's not even a visual thing for me, it's like, sometimes you just feel it, you know what it is that you ate that's making you shit.

But usually if you're getting shits that fast after eating something irritating, you're not shitting that thing, you're shitting the other stuff that was in there that's getting. Yeah, which I was once told by a goddamn hotel receptionist. What? I tried to complain that the breakfast that I'd eaten had given me the shits. Yes.

And she was like, that couldn't have been, because when did you have the breakfast? And I was like, look, an hour ago, I just shat everywhere. And she was like, that couldn't have been the breakfast. I was like, it hour ago I just shat everywhere and she was like she was like that couldn't have been the breakfast I was like it was definitely I ate the breakfast and then I went to our hotel room yeah and I just did shits everywhere and it's all covered in shit she was like she googled it in front of me on the computer and then she said to me there you go that shows it couldn't have been the breakfast it takes this long to it's a refactor if you get

food poisoning from something it couldn't have been that breakfast that we gave you we're not we're not apologizing for nothing and I had to go to the next leg of my tour and when you say you shit there was shit everywhere was that did you like diarrhea and it ended up on the floor or so I ended up on the robe that I was wearing. What? I was relaxing. I ate the breakfast, went back to my hotel, had a shower, put a robe on, sat down to do emails, shat the robe big time. After your shower. Yeah, after the shower is the worst. I had to soak the robe in confidence you must have had to shit in a hotel robe Yes, and then call reception and say your breakfast has made me do a shit in your road. Well, listen Oh, yeah, I knew they were gonna see that I tried to clear up the evidence I tried to I was like no so I was like and I was angry about it, right?

What I would do is I would take that robe with me and then I'd pay them I'd pay for the rope Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't I wouldn't call reception and admit. I just done a shit in the road. I call reception I'd send it to their face when I was leaving sometimes the robes though are like $300 and it's like you're gonna it's like I Would want to then because I wouldn't want just cuz there's shit on it I wouldn't want to throw it away if I was really going to take that hit. Then be like, okay, I'm going to keep the robe, but I got to wash it. But then if you put a shit robe in your luggage,

the smell will get into the rest. And I say this as someone who has shit in underwear. And then like, I was like, I guess I'm going to travel with it. And I put in a bag, guess what? It gets through the bag. It gets through the bag. And it makes your other clothes smell like poop.

This was a really long time ago, by the way. This was maybe like- Mine was like, ages ago. Yeah, mine was about a month. From today. I would just say even if the robe was $300, I think I'm willing to spend that. So I don't get into a situation where a hotel receptionist is googling. How long does it take for something to make you shit yourself?

Well, and then showing me the results. And also the kind of like, I don't know, that's kind of like litigation or something. Like the skill to be like, actually, science says here on the screen, like she's probably had people do that before. Yeah, that can't have been the first time that the breakfast has made someone shit themselves. That's what it felt like. It felt like she was like, I've been here many times before, you're not going to win this.

It feels like maybe the bacteria was just like sitting in your gut and as soon as food touched it and flamed it. So it probably was the food, but maybe it was the food from the night before. That's just like how sometimes you'll like not, if you're sick with like a stomach flu or something and you won't have to puke or like get, you don't get that like weird nauseous feeling until you actually try and eat something.

Yeah. Did you tell them about the robe? No, no, I was like, they'll find out. And was there any blowback from that? No, they didn't follow up and go, hey, found that robe in the sink soaking in the sink. Don't you think we don't know what you did? They didn't do that. I don't know exactly what hotel? I didn't do that.

I don't know exactly what hotel it was. I'd know the hotel if I saw it. Yes, of course. And they'd know you if they saw you. I think actually I was already at the point in my career where she did know me. Unfortunately. And you went down and you were like, oh shit.

And what did you want to, what did you, in your head, what did you happen? Yeah, did you, in your head, what did you? Yeah, you know, at the time, I guess I thought they might take the breakfast off the bill. But I don't know why I wanted that. I don't know why I thought that was a fair trade. That was worth my dignity. Was this when you were going through a tricky time? When I'm on tour?

Yeah, I was definitely on tour. So yeah, I was at my wit's end. You know, it really, it's a tour I think is destabilizing. A lot of stuff, it throws your whole body out of whack. Mind, body, soul. It's okay. And maybe she saw that. Maybe she was like, it's not the breakfast.

It's the tour. Yeah, she could have Googled my tour dates and just show me those and gone. Yeah. These are too close together. Yeah. This kind of geographically doesn't make sense. Yeah. You should go through that list and tick every time you've done a horrible shit every day. So just to be clear though. No. The bolognese is shit mixed into the sauce. Yeah. But that's not your main, right?

Hmm? That's not your main course, right? The shit bolognese. Oh, that's a second starter. That was supposed to be my main, I guess. Are we going with the congee or do you want to go with the shit bolognese with tampons sticking out? Well, I don't actually want to eat that. And that's not my dream restaurant because there's maybe 1% of me that would fear

that there's some karmic justice to be had that if I were to go to some sort of a hell adjacent, like plain, not like secular, not affiliated with any religion, that kind of like is essentially amasses information from your life into this space. And somehow this information gets in where it's like, ha ha ha, bitch,

you thought it was so funny to go on those really nice people's podcasts and be such a total like emotionally deformed cunt and not take it seriously. And now you get to eat the tampon ragu. Sorry, I keep switching. It's not that bolognese. I can't pick.

I would say maybe then I would go to a congee maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And because it's the dream restaurant, we could do the chicken bone like, and no chickens get killed. But it's like a silica, it's like a chicken that is 3D printed. Yeah. It's 3D. It's like the meat is not. Yeah. It's like when how they've like farmed meat in Petri dishes.

Yeah. And you can't tell the difference. It tastes exactly as good, but no chickens get harmed at all. Not at all. Yeah. It's a 3D printed chicken. Yeah, 3D printed chicken. Can you imagine a world where long after we are dead and gone, and like in the road, when there's a robot, the kind of dystopian thing, and then robots, there's kind of like robots and androids, and they start eating other robots as food, and they make like essentially like a congee out of other like

animals sort of robots and like what that world is like it's like where do you think they're getting the flavor from the metal? Like if you can imagine one of those like DARPA dogs or those Boston dynamic dogs and just kind of like throwing chunks of that in a pot what do you think the flavor would be? Yeah Ed what do you think the flavor would be? Yeah, Ed, what do you think the flavor would be? Well, I guess, but if they're, if a robot is eating a robot, I guess the robot is trained to enjoy certain flavors. So they might like metal. They might like the taste of metal. But also just to go back to the 3D printed chicken, do you mean just 3D printed chunks of meat? Because I'll be honest, when you said it, my first thought was 3D print an entire live chicken,

then kill the chicken and put it in the pot. Oh. Chop it up. Yeah. I was imagining how they are able to make meat cells. They're like in a dish and they just grow the meat and it's not technically alive, but it is like bio matter. And it's got the right texture and stuff like that.

Yeah, if they could like replicate, it's like a vegan meat cell, but it's like essentially chicken cells that would then you could boil and get that marrow, et cetera, meat flavor. I think we can do that for you. Absolutely. It'd be my pleasure.

And we wouldn't have to get any sort of like dodgy investors involved who have the money to kind of back that kind of science or anything like that. No, like Ghislaine Maxwell adjacent. She doesn't have to be involved. You've had everyone on this podcast. She's been on the podcast, she's episode two. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was she like, macaroni! Every course, macaroni! Your dream side dish. Probably little fingerling potatoes. Yeah. And garlic. It's a great potato. Yeah. And garlic. It's a great potato. Yeah.

Fingering. Yeah, really crisp. Like when they're, anything that's like crisp, I don't like when it's mushy inside. I like when it's pretty fried. Yeah. To like essentially a French fry or something. You like the crunch?

I like the crunch. I like when it's like, yeah, where the skin is just like flaking off and it's burnt. Yeah. But not like, again, yeah, where the skin is just like flaking off, it's burnt. Yeah. But not like, again, super like the person cooking it lifted the thing and got like blasted with superheated air. Yeah. And inhaled it.

That's what you want to imagine. I don't want that to happen to the person who's making it. I hope they have a very normal time when they make it. Yeah. I haven't wished that on anybody in my whole life. What if they were the best potatoes you've ever had in your life, but the person who brings them out to you, their face is like bright red. Is it bright red because of a burn?

It's not just make up. They lifted the pot up and all the heat in the face. It's not that they're so proud. They're almost blushing because they're such good potatoes. It's because they've really burnt themselves and they come out with a pot and you're like, oh my God, are you okay? But then you eat a potato and you're like,

I think that might've been worth it. I just don't know why they are serving the potato. I guess. In this restaurant, it's like the chef or the chef de cuisine or the line cook is bringing out the food and you were doing it like this, like they're holding the pot. Yeah, with bare hands. Was that the Canadian PSA, the woman with the boiling water? What?

You've seen it. You had to have seen it. I'm not sure I have seen it. You had to have seen it. I'm not sure I have seen it. There's that really famous like Canadian series of Canadian safety PSAs where they, they're really, really graphic. Like, and it's the woman and she's like in the, she's, I think she's like a line cook. She's in a kitchen and she's narrating what's about to happen. And she's like, so unfortunately for me, like I don't see that there's a big oil, like spot oil on the floor that I should have cleaned up,

but I've been rushing around, blah, blah, blah. And she picks up this giant pot of boiling water and she slips on it and then it like scolts her and she's like, lets out this blood curdling, blood curdling scream and gets in like the last shot of the PSA a flash of her like scolded face and like her skin is like boiling.

So do you want her to bring you the potatoes? If she did, I would be starstruck. I would, oh, so a crazy thing is I posted that clip in the actor who, this was a while ago and this is why I'm the unreliable narrator, but she either commented on the post or she liked it. Right. The boiled woman.

But it is, the thing is, is like, it's an incredible performance. Yeah. Like it is so disturbing to watch. There's like another one where a woman's like hanging something on a ladder in a store. And she's like, I should have made sure the base of the ladder was locked, but I was too busy. And then she climbs and she's like going, she's like, and this is an old ladder.

We should have had this or replace it, but or something like that. And then she falls off the ladder and goes through a glass table and she stands up and there's all this like glass through her face. I mean, I mean, the creepiest thing, obviously the injuries are horrific, but it's the, the beforehand that is not happened yet. They can still stop it. And they say, they're basically just going, well, this is what's about to happen to me and I'm going to do it.

Yeah. That's really eerie. Yeah. Yeah. It is, it's freaky. They must've commented on it, not liked it for you to know it was them. I, if they just liked it and you figured out it was them. Cause someone I think tagged them in it like, cause I think she's like an established actor in Canada and probably beyond.

I don't really know a lot of actors by name, but well that's not your Julie Roberts. Was it Julia Roberts? That would be amazing, wouldn't it? She's a stunning actress. She had a hair, credible lips, incredible style and her own unique acting style. But that's not what this podcast is about. It could be about Julia Roberts if you wanted to be. Would you have her on?

Yeah, I would personally. Yeah, I think I would. I can't speak for her in my head. Yeah, yeah. Did we even get your side dish? Yeah, do you not remember? Fingling potatoes. Fing can't speak for other people in my head. Yeah. Did we even get your side dish? Yeah, do you not remember? Fingling potatoes.

Fingling potatoes. It was kind of my only answer that was real. Yeah. That's the one thing that I forgot. You don't really seem to give a shit about. Your dream drink. And just so you know, this is where, in my head, I've got the secret ingredient.

Okay. Still water. I'm kidding. I'm sorry. I'm feeling so laughy and making a joke and I was making a joke today. And I would say my dream and is this a cocktail or is this just like glass of milk? Whatever you is this just like a glass of milk? Whatever you want. It can be a glass of milk. I suspect you don't want a glass of milk because you look really angry when you even said glass of milk there. Well, when I was a kid, one of my favorite flavor combinations was like spaghetti bolognese,

like red sauce with like a glass of whole milk. Yeah. I think just cause it's like essentially creating the flavor combination that like a red sauce pasta with like ricotta cheese or something. It's like filling in that space. A glass of ricotta cheese. Joe Thomas.

Yeah. Do what? Do you know Joe Thomas? No, I don't think so. The actor is in between us and he used to make spaghetti bolognese and pour in cream into the bolognese. It's like a vodka sauce because of that? Well, yeah, you like whole milk and bolognese. So maybe if you hung out with Joe Thomas,

he could make you- When I was a kid. Well. So maybe if would he hang out with me when I was a kid? Yeah, he would hang out with you when you were a kid. And also you've got your inner child knocking about still. Is that why my, so I'm closing my eyes. I'm imagining is my inner child on a cot locked in his house? Waiting for the creamy bolognese? Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what's happening.

And genuinely the thing about Joe Thomas is I think he's always thinking about his inner child because his eyes are shut through most of the conversations you have with him. Why is that? He's an odd guy. He just does it when he talks, he just kind of closes his eyes and he looks very stressed. I kind of like that. It seems like that's, it's like a focus, a centering thing. No? Yeah. I don't think he's doing it for that reason. I don't focus, a centering thing. No? Yeah. I don't think he's doing it for that reason. I don't think he's centering himself.

He's just panicking. Oh, sometimes I feel like people close their eyes because they're pushing one out. You think when people close their eyes, when you're talking to them, they're pushing one out. And it clarify I'm talking about, oh shit, I'm not talking about cum. I don't think he's like pushing one out. I don't think anyone thought that when you use the phrase pushing one out that you were talking about come because what that phrase wouldn't make sense at all.

I thought you were about to like clarify. I really, I appreciate it. There was no misunderstanding. Well, there are sometimes you have to agree that in the Queen's English and in American English there are slight differences in kind of like the euphemisms and phrases. You said, I threw a bear up a tree. We would just say, in a tree.

Right. Yes. You know, that's kind of a beautiful difference. So in America, there's a cultural exchange happening. So in America, you know, you say rub one out. Yes. To mean a cum wad, a load of it. And so I was like, maybe, maybe there's a world where I say

he's closing his eyes to push one out and one could exist in the same space as cum in the Queen's English, the King's English now. Yeah, maybe it is now the King's English. So maybe he's made some changes. Cause she can't talk anymore cause she's dead. Maybe. What if she dead?

Huh? What if she dead? That'd be scary. What if from in here? She's in the lamp, the Queen? Oh man, that would be scary if I go back in the lamp at the end of this episode, the Queen's there. Did we settle on whole milk by the way?

No, that was a joke. I would say some sort of Bloody Mary. I love the again tomato sauce anything savory with like a bunch of, not like too much, you know how sometimes they'll be like, we're putting the whole

fucking hoagie on the toothpick. I'm like that's a little too much for me. But something fun on the toothpick. And that, that I'm like, that's a little too much for me. So, but it was something fun on the toothpick. But what, yeah. So what is the right balance here of stuff? So how spicy do you want it? I would say spicy, but not nose runny spicy. I don't like that feeling.

I don't like sniffling like, cause eating food and then when you're like trying to Wipe your nose. It just feels like it inevitably gets in the food that you're eating Yes, your ones not in the food, even though earlier you nearly ordered a bottle of those for the shit I'm just checking. I think those two things can exist Yeah, I think I can like not want it. I think I can eat shit and tampons and still think it's not as gross. Yeah. Do you think, oh, because I eat like a shit bolognese

that ooh yummy, I'm going to eat boogers? Yeah. That's so fucking gross. That's too much gross stuff. Sorry. Yeah. Patti's here as our guest, James. And you've actually been quite confrontational throughout this whole episode.

I do. I acknowledge that. Yeah. Thank you. Did you see earlier when he, it's just going to get cut out of the podcast anyway, so they'll edit it out. But I was like physically attacked. Yeah. I saw. Yeah. He, when I walked in, I thought he was going in for a hug, picked me up on my neck. And he said, ah, he shook me and all my money came out of my pocket. Yeah. And he said, ah, he shook me and all my money came out of my pocket. And I was like, oh my God, I'm being robbed.

And he's like, I don't care about that fucking money. Yeah. Yeah. That is what happened. Yeah. And then you walked in and then he was like, oh, hey, did you see Kevin Spacey news? What's the deal with those submarine people? Yeah, yeah.

I talked about all of that. It was a good bit. I know to cut it all out. You just use the shirt. No, the rubbery's staying in. The rubbery? Yeah, yeah, that's what's staying in. Okay.

I also want to know what else, what accoutrement you do want in. Yeah, what's on the toothpick? Well, there's gotta be pickles of some sort. I like the little onions. I like the pickled onions. I like, I really not any other capacity. Do I really like cornichons? But I don't like sweet pickles or I think that's gross But I would do like maybe a toothpick that is around

30 inches long. I don't know how you measure that out here Send like 900 centimeters. Yeah. 900 stone. And there would probably be like 30 cornichons on it. There'd be 20 little bulb pickled onions. There would be some lab grown shrimp. There'd be a bunch of like shrimp cocktail.

There'd be a little dish that pops out and it has cocktail sauce on it. And then underneath it, there would be a little clip that holds your phone. So you can be on your phone. And then under that, there'll be four to five more of the bulb onion pickle. And then for ice, it'll be French fries. I'm kidding.

I don't want that. That sounds gross. But it and then for ice it'll be french fries. I'm kidding. Yeah, I don't want that that sounds gross If someone said you want french fries in your Bloody Mary, I think I would say yes I actually don't it's French. It's ketchup that yeah thing. They would go soggy though wouldn't they? Yeah, but I think it's something that you at least say yes to the first time. Yeah, you try it Well, what if they did curly fries around the rim of a glass of shrimp, around the rim of like a cocktail thing, and it's curly fries, and then it's like a thicker base for the Bloody Mary that it could, it functions. Because if you put a Bloody Mary, if a glass on a table and you're with friends, they're not gonna be there long enough to be soggy.

People will go after curly fries so fast. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I'm really into that idea. I love it. Yeah. That's the way you said it sound like you just wanna get shit over with. No, I'm thinking about it. It's what I'm thinking.

You said, I really like that. Oh yeah. No, I was somewhere else in my head. And then you fucking kicked me. Yeah. I'm kidding. Really hard. No, I'm thinking is there's some Bloody Mary mix in the fridge here.

Last time I was in and I'm hoping it's still in there now because you'd make me want to drink it. No, I'm thinking about pickles because I was just thinking went to a really nice place in LA like a pickle store and they did a pickle tasting plate. What was the pickle store in LA? Do you remember? I can't remember what it was called. I'm going to find out.

It was in that market, that indoor market. You live in LA. You've never seen a pickle store, have you? Is making it up? Is he making it up? You've never seen a pickle store? No, but I believe it would be there because there are really specific stores. How long you live there for?

Like four and a half years. So you don't think you would have seen the pickle store if there was one? But I moved there. because they're really specific stores. How long you lived there for? Like four and a half years. So you don't think you would have seen the Pickles store if there was one? But I moved there. Well, there was a year where I was essentially by coastal between New York and LA. And that year I've kind of blacked out for trauma,

but because a lot of stuff happened to me. I think maybe it was at a store where they sold, I think, oh, it was pickles. I got it, yeah, I got attacked a bunch at this store and then I just like haven't gone back. Your dream dessert. I love savory stuff. So I like when they do sweet stuff,

that stuff that's supposed to be sweet and then it ends up being more savory because the food just keeps on coming. It feels like dinner is just keeps on going. So I would say some sort of savory cake that looks like it's going to be a slice of red velvet cake and then you cut into it and you're like, holy crap, that is a meatloaf. Now this is probably James's worst nightmare, I think. Now why is that?

I'm trying to compute how I feel about it. Yeah. It's weird. So it's like the opposite of like, you know, that trend of like, is it cake? And people cut into things that you think aren't cake and it turns out they're cake. This is like the opposite, right? This is something you think is cake and it's actually not cake. Yeah.

It's meatloaf. It's been much harder TV show actually. Yeah. Cause they all look exactly like cakes. They all look like cakes. It's called Is It Cake? And actually they're all savory dishes, but they visually you wouldn't be able to tell. All like objects.

One way or another. You cut into them and they're like a table. Yeah, yeah. It's a table. And someone's like cutting into it. And one of the hosts of the show is like crying. They're like, okay, what's up? And they're like, that's not cake, that's my niece.

And then they cut to it and then cake, and it's like, like a tooth, you see like a tooth. Yeah. That poor guy from SNL. Yeah, well, I don't know his name. One of David S Pumpkins backup dancers, that's all I know him as. Oh, Mikey Day.

Yeah, Mikey Day, he's the host. He dances for David S Pumpkins. Yeah. Yeah, he's the one who cuts into him as. Oh, Mikey Day. Yeah, Mikey Day. He dances for David S. Pubkins. Yeah. Yeah. He's the one who cuts into the cake. Oh yeah. I think I saw like a funny infographic someone made as a joke that was like, and I won't talk about it anymore. I see a lot of infographics in my algorithm that just don't feel like I should occupy

space talking about this here. Also watch my algorithm is kind of bad right now. Yeah. Why? I had a kind of an anxiety, a really anxious couple of weeks. And I went to an anxiety spiral and I started looking up a lot of stuff about just like animal attack, fatal animal tax statistics. So then a lot of my feed now is still cluttered with like videos of like animal taxing stuff. That's a really unfortunate thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm getting a lot of real police interview footage at the moment. What do you mean? Like YouTube videos of like it's normally America like from interrogation rooms. Oh. Of like this murderer thought he was gonna get away with it, but he really dropped himself in it, that sort of stuff. But you like to watch the ones where the cops win.

Of course he does. Well, yeah, because they don't put, they're not gonna put the videos on of this murderer got away with it. Well, because then the murderer wouldn't have got away with it if they know, then they've, then the murderer wouldn't have got away with it if they know that. So the cops win in all those videos because if the cops didn't win, it wouldn't be a very good video, would it? Well, I watched them. I've watched videos where it's like, watch this suspected criminal

absolutely serve. Oh yeah. Like run rings around this. Yeah. Oh yeah. That sounds good. Yeah. This happened and this kind of feel nice. Yeah, I've seen those where they like break it down going, this is the right thing to do. Cause he's not saying anything. But those videos aren't very exciting when they don't say anything. Do they do interrogation rooms like that here?

Cause you don't, the police don't carry guns, right? Yeah, I think. I've seen some British footage from interrogation rooms, but yeah, I'm just saying that's my algorithm at the moment I went to cross my legs. I smacked money on the desk. It really hurts. So James would be terrible in an interrogation I got it. I'll tell you right now. I have one. I have a really crazy bruise on my knee. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You see it. Yeah That doesn't look that bad. I scratched my leg when I pulled it. I'm going to say it now, that's completely fine. You know what I'm going to say?

I haven't looked at it today and it was kind of crazier two days ago. Yeah, that's gone. Yeah, that's faded and you just showed us your knee and pointed at it. I'm not paid to be here. I think you will be, yeah. You're paid. How much? For what has happened to you? Yeah, I get paid a lot of money in America.

Yeah. How much you get for, think you should leave. How much you get for that? So the first season, I was just in the one sketch, so I made 900,000. The second season, since I was in two sketches, I got around $45 million. And they paid for my full body surgery. And it kind of wasn't an option, I'll be honest.

They were like, you're getting full. And I was like, if you're paying for it, great. And they said, we are. I was like, well, awesome. Because that kind of, that doesn't happen a lot. And then the third season, I got a seat on that submarine and I didn't end up going, which, good thing, right? But yeah, but then no one's just like, I haven't been paid.

So that's why I'm striking. Yeah, yeah. I'm striking. And we support you, just so you know. I'm gonna read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Oh, it's written down. You would like sparkling water.

You want sourdough outsides. Starter spaghetti with red sauce. Main 3D printed chicken congee. Side dish, swingling potatoes with garlic. Drink Bloody Mary with a 30 inch skewer. Pickle skewer. Cornichons, pickled onions, lab-grown shrimp, cocktail sauce, curly fries, hold it for your phone.

Dessert, meatloaf that looks like red velvet cake. Can I change the dessert? Yeah. Yeah It's gonna be tapioca, but when this the server comes out they do a Donald Trump impression They go you're fired when you and they just give you the tapioca Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got Perfect. To the best of their ability. Thank you for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Patty. Thank you, Patty. Thank you both. Thank you so much to Patty for coming into the Dream Restaurant.

I tell you what, very close to a cup of dog shit. Very close. That main course. But she didn't pick the shit with tampons in it. Didn't even pick the shit with tampons in it. But you know, it could have been a cup of dog shit around the corner. So thanks for not picking it, Patty. It was nice to have you in. Thank you. It was lovely to have Patty. And I absolutely love Patty Harrison. I know it was a great episode. Couldn't stop laughing that episode. So apologies to listener if it was just me laughing into my mic the whole time. No, I love that. Yeah.

Benito was doing his little giggles as well. Yeah, he had a really nice day actually, Benito. Oh, he was kicking his legs around like a little boy on a wall. He was, he was loving it on his little wall. Yes. So congratulations to Benito. Do go and see Patti live if you get the chance. Check out her website, social media, all of that sort of stuff.

And watch Shrill, watch I think you should leave, watch anything she's in. Yeah, and send Patty some nice videos so that her algorithm changes. Yes. Well, that'd be quite generous. That would be very generous. I'm on tour, James. I'm doing my show hot diggity dog all over the UK. Forget it's called that going all over the UK apart from to the bits that I'm not going to and I'm sorry about that. Well, you're not though. No, I'm not. You know, it was it. No, you're not.

It's, you know what? Booking a tour is really hard. Yeah. Cause you've got to get the right venue on the right day. And sometimes you just can't do that. Sometimes you can't do that. Sometimes you don't want to go to their stinking towns. No, I don't.

I would go to any stinking town where, where people would come to be honest. But I'm not also, I'm not going to go from like Cornwall to Scotland. So if the routing doesn't work out. Yeah, sorry. Sorry. But I'll try another time. I will. She moved closer to Scotland. Yes. If you live in Cornwall. Yes. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again sometime soon. Bye bye. Bye. Hello, it's Rob Orton here. Now I've got a podcast called the Rob Orton Daily Podcast. It's a short poem or story or amusing on a particular subject every single day. What

if you commissioned Picasso to paint your house and he just painted it white? Would you be annoyed? Wouldn't it be good if you could pour Miracle Grow onto other things such as pizzas? Have you ever thought about what a beach might be like if it was made from digestive biscuits? Have you ever tried to cry about something you're not thinking about? If you would like to listen to a daily podcast that includes subjects I've mentioned there, then please listen to the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.