Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 261: Natalie Cassidy

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

‘EastEnders’ (and ‘Springleaf: The Audio Sitcom’) star Natalie Cassidy is this week’s dream diner. And maybe James is getting a part in the soap opera? Natalie podcast ‘Life with Nat’ is out now, wherever you get your podcasts. Listen here. Follow Natalie on Instagram @natcass1 and Twitter @nat_cassidy Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the calves liver of conversation, the bacon of friendship, the mashed potato of chat and pouring over the onion gravy of the internet James. I think I'm just thinking about things I'd like to eat. That's not a particular dish. Actually, we were saying that I was like, is this a dish I don't know? Yeah, it carves liver and bacon with onion gravy and mashed potato. Lovely. It does sound lovely. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. We own a dream restaurant together every single week. We invite any guests to be asked in their favour, ever start

a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is... Natalie Cassidy! Natalie Cassidy of course, James, a wonderful actor. She's been in EastEnders for many years. Yes, she was in my Springleaf audio sitcom. Playing the iconic Sonia Fowler and also she was in Springleaf, your audio sitcom. Yes, she played an excellent gangster. Yes, I was beyond honored to have Natalie on that podcast. And we can't wait to chat to Natalie about her dream meal, James.

Yes, very exciting. I have no idea what that is going to pick. We didn't really talk about food. No. When we're doing Springleaf, the audio sitcom. Yes, Springleaf, the audio sitcom, which is available as a podcast, of course. And Natalie has her own podcast, Life with Nat, which she records. She's, I mean, she's going to tell us all about it. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of familiar faces from her life. Yes, I think so. She recorded at home. Very exciting to chat to her about that and her dream meal. But if she picks a secret ingredient, which we have pre agreed upon, yes, and the Benito suggested this week, then she will be removed from the dream recipe. Benito suggested this. So don't come at us. Come at Benito and he will send you a signed

chopping board. Saying sorry. Saying sorry. I'm Benito. And the secret ingredient this week is Guinea Fowler. Guinea Fowler. Guinea Fowler. Fowler. Sonia Fowler. Yes. Yeah. Benito's character is called Sonia Fowler. Yes. So Benito said we should do Guinea foul. Because like Guinea Fowler. Yeah. And Ed was like, we're not doing that. And Benito went, are you serious? That was his response. So to make a point, we are doing that. And also we couldn't think of anything else. We couldn't think of anything else. So we're doing guinea fowler.

I like the guinea fowler I've had. I think I've had it a couple of times. Yeah, I think I must have had it a couple of times. So we're not choosing it because we don't like it. No, but it's because it's got such a strong link to Natalie because guinea fowler. Yeah. It's very, I mean, you can't think of guinea fowler without thinking of guinea Fowler, Guinea Fowler. Yeah. Yeah. It's very, I mean, you know, you can't think of Sonia Fowler without thinking of Guinea Fowler. So that's why we've gone for it. And it's also,

it's a proper slap up East End dish. Yeah. So hopefully she doesn't say Guinea Fowler. Hopefully. Yeah. Are we going to hold her to, if she says Guinea Fowler, are we going to let her get away with it? No, I'm still going to kick her out. You're going to kick her out for guinea fowl. Yeah. Even though she says guinea fowl. I'm going to shout, uh, get out loud. Yeah. Go get out. Yeah. Well, I'm looking forward to meeting her.

I've never met her before. James. I have. We were recording Springleaf, the audio sip. Oh, dear. Available wherever you get your podcast. Is the off menu menu of Natalie. Natalie. of Natalie Cassidy. Natalie Cassidy!

Welcome Natalie to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you for having me. Kaboom! Welcome Natalie Cassidy to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Kaboom! I've just eaten a salad that had more garlic mayo on it than I was anticipating. So I didn't want to do my normal noise, which would be to make explosion noise that kind of could just like end up spraying you with, you know, yeah. Yeah. You got to avoid that. But that's the first time

you've not done the noise. Yeah. I was just very self-conscious about about all the first time ever. This is, this is a huge, this is a huge moment in off menu history. You're the first Kaboom. Yeah. Wow. People are going to hate me, aren't they? No, no, no, no, no. They'll know it's a special episode. They're creatures of habit. Yeah, but I think Kaboom feels like a good fresh new format point.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll like Kaboom. They'll like Kaboom, definitely. And also I want to point out, it was advertised as a chili chicken salad. I was expecting a chilli sauce. So I didn't deliberately have the garlic. Ayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay Where would you put garlic in your worst smells for other people to have? I think it's a hard one garlic because I love garlic but garlic doesn't love me. Right.

I am someone I wake up and I stink of it. Yeah. Can't get it off. Brush teeth a few times even the evening before. Yeah. Very aware of how it's going to be in the morning. Yeah. It's not just out the mouth though is it garlic when you wake up?

It's out the skin, it's out the whole body. It's out the pores. Yeah. It's out the pores. It though, is it garlic? When you wake up, it's out the skin. It's not the whole body. Yeah. Red onions not good either, is it? I'm all right with red. I mean, to be honest, I just eat raw red onion quite a lot. Wow. I just don't think I care about what like an apple, like the Grinch. Yeah. Like the Grinch. Exactly. I live like the Grinch at home. Right. Yeah. Terrible Christmases at my house. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you've instantly done something that Ed loves, which is say that you stink. He loves it when anyone says that they stink or something stank. Yeah. Okay, cool. I love the word stink. Yeah. He loves it when people say that they stink. I don't stink all the time. For instance, today

I smell quite nice. Yeah, you smell nice today. But if I'd had a huge pot of alioli, perhaps... You didn't trail off towards the end of the word, so James doesn't understand it. No, no, it's an infinite word. People don't know that. You decide when to stop, but that was a bit short. That was a bit too short that one. We've got stuff to talk about. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a foodie? Yes, very much so. I love my food. Look, obviously people expect us to ask you what you what you eat on the square. Oh yeah. Not much really. We find it quite difficult because when you're doing lots of scenes and you've got a lot of food involved, if things can, you know, if you forget a line or whatever, you have to go back to the top. So you don't want to eat a lot. Then you're setting yourself up for

eight times that. You know what I mean? So you'll see a lot of sipping, a lot of thought holding, not loads of eating. Is that why everyone's so angry? Cause they're not eating properly? Oh, we eat offset. Okay. You know. You sure? Yeah, yeah. Some of those people seem very angry. They're very depressed and very angry sometimes.

That's about other issues though, I think. I don't think it's hanga a lot of the time. No, it's usually affairs, murders, that sort of thing. Yeah. They should do a hangry storyline. Hangry? Yeah. If they haven't done a hangry storyline yet, if it's always affairs and murders, but like they could do a hangry one where that's the reason the person's angry. Is that enough for a death death?

I have to say a few years ago, Denise Fox was quite poor and she was found eating, you know, picking stuff out of a bin food wise. So it's not really hanger, but it was kind of a food led story. Was her camera too angry as well? I think she was quite angry that she was so poor. So yeah, I'm afraid they've already done it. I'd love that if that was a doof doof at the end of an episode. If someone was quite angry that she was sick. So, yeah, I'm afraid they've already done it. I'd love that if that was a doof doof at the end of an episode. If someone was really hungry

and then their deliverer arrived and they brought the wrong one. You know that? Like Phil Mitchell, deliverer turns up and he smashes the guy's face in. Is this the wrong burger? And that's his cube off his back, throws it across the square. But the guy's got his helmet on still. Yeah. And then takes his helmet off. Grant Mitchell. Yeah.

That'll be a great return for us, Kemp. Yeah, what a return. He's the deliverer, man. You're no stranger to podcasts. You have your own podcast. I do. And you say you've got a studio at home. Yeah, yeah.

I've done that. That's exciting. Little table and little set up and one of those little roadcasters. It's all very posh. Acaster. No, the... The roadcaster. It's Acaster.

Acaster. People pronounce it wrong. I'd love to have you in a little cupboard at home to get you out and be on it all the time. That'd be brilliant if you want to come over. I think you'd be really good to have in a little cupboard, genuinely. Yeah. Be great. Get James out, make you laugh. I'd love that.

Yeah. So good. Or just make you feel better because he's sad a lot of the time. Ed knows me better. Now I've worked together a few times, but like, you know, maybe not to the extent where I've shown her how sad I am. Yeah. No, I've not really seen you sad. I'm pleased about that. Maybe I'll keep this distance and just see you once every six months. You'd have to knock on the cupboard and if it's one knock he's happy, you can get him out and if

it's two knocks you leave him in the cupboard. Yeah. That's a good game. He'd hear me rustling around or hear a conversation where I've been out for garlic and he'd always do two knocks. I'd come out the cupboard, it's gonna be stinking. Yeah, I was like, she's to stink. I'm staying in. I'm keeping the door shut. She's going to stink. Tell us a bit about your podcast. Life of Nat, right? Yeah, Life with Nat. So it's just me talking to my family. I talk to my other half. I talk to my kids. I talk to nieces, sister-in-law, and we just chat about life in general, things that aggravate people,

queuing for traffic, socks that get lost in the washing machine and stuff, you know, mum guilt, and I have people on. I've only been doing it now for about nearly three months, so it's really, really early days. But I've got a lovely little community already and people really like it. I've got a WhatsApp number, so people message me, which is getting quite a lot now, because I'm doing it all myself. So yeah, I'm responding to it. Your listeners can WhatsApp you and you respond to them? Yeah. What? What?

Yeah. No, I don't do it. You know, obviously I go through, it's a bit like Pimble because you can't, not Pimble. You're not looking at all of them. What am I thinking of? Roulette, sorry, not pimple. Can't look at all of them all the time because that's all I'd be doing. But I find some really good people and then I'll get them on the show for Zoom. I have them on to talk about stuff if they've got a good story. What's mum guilt? Mum guilt is where you have children and no matter where you are, you feel like you're doing the wrong thing. Do you feel

like you're doing the wrong thing right now? No, not really, because I'm quite excited about this. But you know, just in general, though at school, just fitting everything in, the time it takes to fit everything in. Have you got kids? No, never going to happen. No, no kids for either of you. Yeah, it's good. Well done. It's a really good choice. I love my kids, but it's fucking hard work. Yes. I don't doubt it for a second. Maybe we will need guests on our podcast at one point. If we run out of guests, we'll have kids so that we can get them on like you've done. That's a smart move. It is, but I think to actually ruin your life and have kids for the rest of your life and that responsibility, which obviously I don't think either of you are capable of, it's probably

best to just get other people's kids on. Oh yeah. Your kids could come on this podcast. A friend of mine, well a friend of the podcast, John Curtin suggested to us this week that we do kids episodes. I think it would be really good. And I think if you did, you'd have to have my Joni on. She's seven and she's actually hilarious. Is Joni a foodie? Does she know her stuff? Joni likes food. She's got quite fussy of late, which is really annoying. They kind of just change their minds. Yeah. You know, you can make a really nice lasagna and she'll

just go, don't like that now. You go, what you're talking about? I've spent four hours making it and you're going to eat it. Otherwise I'm going to kill you. Will start with still a sparkling water. I'm going to go sparkling please. Can I have a slice of lime in it, please? Yeah. A slice or a wedge? Oh no, wedge. Wedge.

Yeah. Are you picking the wedge out and squeezing the lime into the water or are you just leaving it bobbing around? No, I'm leaving it bobbing around. Yeah. It's depending on what I'm eating next, you know what I mean? I don't want too much lime in there, but I do love a fizzy, it's got to be a very, very fizzy water. You know, some are awful. So you need a San Pelle.

San Pelle all the way. Yeah. Although the lid when you've got that at home is really annoying because it doesn't screw on does it anymore? Once it's open, it's finito. So I need to do the 1.5. Does it? I don't know about this lid. Yeah, it's not the strongest of lids. Once it's open, it's open. Oh, well that's no good. Well, it is if you're really thirsty, you're going to use it all, but it is quite annoying if you're going to waste it because obviously the next day you can't, that's it, it's over, isn't it? Yeah, it's over and done with, it's flat. Yeah.

I quite like flat sparkling water though. What, like a soda water? Like a soda water, but leaving it to go flat because it tastes different. I don't know, we've mentioned it on the podcast before. I don't know why that when you leave sparkling water to go flat, it should just taste like still water, shouldn't it? But it doesn't, it's got its own flavor. Yeah, I don't like that.

What do you think of Ed, that he likes it? What do you think of Ed? Now, so it changed your opinion. I'm wondering how you got there. And I'm wondering if you had sparkling, pint of sparkling water next to your bed that went flat and then had it and liked it. Do you remember how that happened?

You know what? It might've been maybe in a hotel or something on tour where, you know, you go into a hotel and there might be a bottle of still and a bottle of sparkling. I'm drinking the still first of all. And then I might get back later and be like, I'm gonna have some water and it's sparkling a couple of sips. Oh, I can't have sparkling before bed. Pop it on the bedside table, wake up in the morning. Oh, I need some water. Hello. So yeah, that's him saying hello to the water. Not to like the cleaner or I need some water. Hello. So yeah, I'm saying hello to the water. Not to like the cleaner or someone who's coming. The hotel manager. And I would, knowing me,

I would say hello to the water out loud if I was by myself. Yeah. I say hello to it in animal objects quite a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah. Can you remember some animal objects you said hello to? I like to do it. If I forgot coats on the banister, I'll talk to them. I go, right, come on, time to get you away. Time to get you away. I love that. Because they're on the banister. So let's get them in the cupboard. I go, come on now. Stop hanging out on the banister. You've had your fun.

Yep. We've been out for long enough. You've had your air in. Get back in the cupboard. That's good. I'm trying to figure if I speak to any animal. Yeah, we do need to hear that. You've got four cats though, so I think you get a lot of your talking out. Four. Four cats. How lovely. I had a friend's day for five days recently and that made me realise how often I say hello to the cats is every time I see them.

I say hello to them individually by name and I realised how much it was not annoying my friend but like how much he must think I'm just bonkers. Yeah. I'm just constantly saying hello to them. That's what children do to parents. So I won't really say hello Eliza every time I see her or hello Joni. I don't do that, but they go mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mummy, mummy, mummy. And that's what you're doing to your cats. Yeah.

Even in the course of one conversation. So they'll get your attention with mum. Mum, mum, mummy, mummy, mummy. And that's what you're doing to your cats. Yeah, I am. Even in the course of one conversation. So they'll get your attention with mum. You'll say something back and then they'll say mum again and say something. I say mum all the time. POPPED OBSORBREAD! POPPED OBSORBREAD NATALIE CASADI! POPPED OBSORBREAD! Sorry, I cut you off there. I didn't expect to. No, it's alright. That's the POPPED OBSORBREAD bit, isn't it?

You've got to cut people off. I was trying to make Natalie jump, it didn't work. Yeah. I did have a slight jump. Did you? Yeah. From where I was sitting, you were absolutely stone cold. Just like not letting that phase you at all.

The jumping must have happened maybe in your feet or something that we can't see. Yeah. Inside. Internal jump. Yeah. What were you going to say? I was going to say that I used to really annoy my mum by saying mum loads and loads until she said yes and then I'd say nothing.

It's just a story about a mum. Oh, God. It's just a story about a mum. Yeah. Your poor mum. Does it make sense to say? No. Just saying nothing would be funnier.

Yeah. So go mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, what? Nothing? I used to do that one as well, but you know, you got to graduate onto something else, haven't you? And it's just a story about a mum still makes me laugh. If you ever go and see Ed live, his stories are very annoying. Same word over and over again. I look forward to it.

What bread are we talking about? Can I have any bread I want? I never ever understand this from you two. I just say I don't get Pappadoms or breads. I never have understand this from you two. I just say I don't get poppadoms or bread. I never have. Well me neither. I don't understand it. I don't know why you ever went with a poppadom or bread. They're so different. James did it in the first episode and then we couldn't stop doing it. You get them at that point in the meal. I know, but why are you just don't, it depends, so depends on what you're having. Yeah. Well, so you just go for whatever. But this is what you have. This is also the dream restaurant. So we we're not being held by any rules, you know, we're not being held by any conventions. So, you know, some people, a lot of guests actually have had

poppadoms and then gone on to have, you know, a non, a non-Indian meal. Oh yeah. Absolutely. So, you know, this is the joy of the dream restaurant. You know, what you want. Yeah. We don't care. At this point, you can shoes off. Yeah. You don't, didn't. Nachos. Yeah, yeah. Okay. People have chosen different things, olives, you know, those kind of pre-meal. Pre-meal things. Things that they bring out, you know. Yeah, of course. But I thought I had to go for bread. But all right. Do you know what I'll do then? Yeah. If you don't mind, could I have, I'd like some arangini balls, some deep fried arangini balls.

Yeah. That sit in kind of a truffle-y, buttery sauce. That's what I like about this. Cause we're talking about my pronunciation earlier. I would say arancini, but I'm a genie. So I like that. I like that they're called arancini. I like you're calling them arancini. They've got to be arancini balls.

A genie called Aaron. My sister-in-law is from Italy as well. And I know they're Aaron Jeannie balls. Yeah. But yeah, I say because I'm lazy Aaron Jeannie balls. We're gonna go with Aaron Jeannie. Aaron Jeannie's balls. Yeah. I know. Is that ruined it for you? Now you think of a Jeannie's balls? A little bit. Yeah. Well, normally, Jeannie's just got that wispy tail. So you're all right. I think I think there's a lot of genitalia down think you're right. I don't think there's been a lot of genitalia down there. Yeah, so I don't think it's that kind of bull. If you found a lamp and you rubbed it and the genie came out, obviously you'd be excited. I was so excited. But if

the genie had a big old pair of nuts on him, would that take away some of the excitement for you? I don't think I'd be worried about it. I think I'd just be so excited to see the genie. I think the bulls would go out the window. I wouldn't bother me. I'd be thinking about what wish, wouldn't I? I wouldn't be going, Oh, look at his set of balls. I was just thinking about his balls going out the window. You wouldn't use one of your wishes to make the genie's balls disappear. Absolutely not. What a waste. Nothing to do with you.

First of all, first wish. Get rid of those balls. I'm wasting a wish on a set of balls that aren't even, got nothing to do with you. There's nothing, it doesn't matter if she's got balls. It doesn't matter what that bit looks like. Yeah. Boys love, why do boys always giggle about balls? Funny. It's funny though, isn't it?

Cause also I'm just imagining him just having balls. Yeah, I imagine just having balls. Yeah. Can't see his dick or anything. It's just his balls. Just massive balls. Yeah. Just this visible like, I'm imagining like when a dog hasn't had its balls off yet. You see the back of the dog. You see the back going, oh, that one's still got its balls. Yeah. Be like that if you see a genie and it's just, I imagine like a set of dog's balls on the genie. Yeah. I'm sort of imagining kind of the genie from Aladdin that we all love. The blue one. Yeah would they go? Where would they sit? I suppose in that

area before the wisp. Yeah. The area before the wisp. That triangular narrow down. Yeah. It would kind of be there. Or the end of the wisp. It wisps down. You look to the wisp and then there's just swinging off the end. I'm not sure about that. Not the end of the wisp. Sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. Sorry. Not the end of the wisp. That's my dick. Cause that's like his, that's where his feet would be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe I said the balls would be on the end of the wisp. I also think it would be like when you see him on a dog. So you can basically see it from the back. So the genie is kind of speaking to you and it all seems fine. Yeah. And then you're like, okay, cool. I I got this. I've got three wishes. I understand. And he's like, yeah, cool. And

then he just turns around to look at something or whatever. And then you see his balls and go, oh man. Maybe it's the genie's main aim, like in Aladdin, where he really wants to be free. He wants someone to use one of their wishes to be free. This genie really wants someone to wish his balls away because they're quite cumbersome. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't make for an easy time. Also when he squeezes back into the lamp exactly. Can you imagine his face is there with the balls in

his face. Yeah. It all gets squeezed up together. Is he putting them in the spout first or is he pulling them in last? When he gets back in? I think when he gets back in, I reckon everything goes in and they're the last thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Robert Yankham. Really heavy. The rim of the lamp. Yeah. Really undignified. Yeah. Oh no, poor guy. Poor guy. Let's talk more about these Arangini balls. So in like a truffle, a truffle butter type thing. Like a truffle butter. Yeah. And what's in, is there anything inside the Arangini ball in So in like a truffle, a truffle butter type thing. Like a truffle butter. Yeah. And what's in, is there anything inside the Arancini ball in terms of? Yeah, they're usually kind of rice, obviously, because it's risotto rice, isn't it? And an

Arancini ball. With bolognese, or you get them with ham and cheese. So I think I'll go bolognese please. Nice. A little secret bolognese pocket. But they're quite small. Yeah. You know, I wouldn't. They're little snacks. We've got a lot to get through. Yeah, yeah. Just a little secret Bolognese pocket. But they're quite small. Yeah. You know, I want... They're a little snack to get through. Yeah, yeah.

Just a little snack. A dream starter, thanks. So difficult. I was trying it over the weekend. I was... Someone said to me, what are you doing now? What are you writing? I said, I'm trying to write my menu.

It's really important. Really thinking about it. Who was this you were talking to? I was talking to my daughter Eliza. I said, I've got to write my menu. And I wanted it all to kind of fit in, but I just don't, I think it's impossible to do that because then it just becomes boring. So I think I've got to go for different things for each course that give me joy. So for a starter, I'm going to go for, it's a bit off the wall. I've had my own genie balls, but if this is kind of

my last meal or my dream meal, I think I've got to have a bacon roll, like a bacon sandwich or roll. I love this. So I'm going for a crusty roll from the bakers, like a white crusty roll from the bakers with thick salted butter, proper butter, room temperature obviously. There's nothing worse is there than a hard butter that you can't spread. You're spreading it, it's ripping up the roll. I can't bear it. Yeah, it's got to be room temp.

I mean, the worst is as well, if it's like on toast and it's cold butter, then I'll just end up slicing the butter like cheese and putting it on and watching it melt. And then you've had what, half a pack of butter on one slice of toast. Yeah, it's quite nice actually. It is nice. I'm going to say what the listeners is going to be thinking and yelling at their phones right now. Go on.

Why don't you switch around your bread course and your starter and have a bacon roll as your bread course, because that's the bread and the butter in there, and then have the arangini balls as your starter. I could do that. I could do that, but I feel the Ernie and Jeannie balls are too small really to be the starter. I think you should, I'd stick to your gardens. I'm going to stick to what I'm doing. But I really love a bacon roll. Thick, crispy, organic bacon.

What type of bacon are we talking about? It's usually from the, I don't know if we can say names of things. Yeah, we love it. Like the ginger pig. Yeah. The ginger pig do. Excellent bacon. Is it, is it streaky? Is it back? No, it love it. Like the ginger pig. Yeah. The ginger pig do excellent bacon. Is it streaky? Is it back?

No, it's back. Back, nice. Unsmoked. Unsmoked. Interesting. Okay. I'm going unsmoked, yeah. Why?

I don't mind a smoked bacon, but for a perfect bacon roll for me, I like it unsmoked. Is the fat all crispy? Very crispy, yeah. Yeah. There's so many things to talk about with a bacon roll. There's so many variables, aren't there, for something that's quite a sort of simple staple food? Yeah. How many rashers? I like to pack it out.

Pack it out. I do like to pack it out. The whole packet? No, not a whole packet. I'd say they're very thick actually and they're quite large from in there. So in a small baker's white roll, I reckon three. And it's quite a lot of bacon. That's good. That's cool though. I reckon three. But you want to feel, especially with back bacon, because it's thick anyway,

you want to feel like you're getting in there and having a bacon roll. You're getting in there having a good old mouthful. Yeah. I went to university in the northeast and there was a place that I found towards the end of me being there, which was like a little hatch in the wall and you could buy a bacon sandwich from there and they were open like till like midnight. Amazing. Last thing this guy needs. The best thing in the world and you could buy a bacon sandwich from there and they were open like till Midnight last thing this guy needs the best thing in the world and it was a baguette You're going to baguette and I'm not joking. They put a whole pack of bacon in it It was the absolute dream to finish a night out unbelievable with a baguette and a whole pack of bacon I like it. It's really like it true joy like something next morning. Hello

It's half a baguette. Half a packet of bacon next to me. I wasn't leaving any of that. No, no. I knew you weren't. Yeah. I'd need the water though. I'd be saying I'd like to have a big old bottle of water.

New words. Saltier as well. Still not sparkling. We're gonna give a fuck, are you? Just something, anything. Sauce? You haven't sourced in it? Yes.

No, this is always controversial. It is really controversial. This is mad. I'm hoping for brown sauce. I love brown sauce, but if I'm true to myself, I am going tomato sauce and mayo. Oh my lord. Almost a Mary Rose. Wow.

I'm not mixing them up, but they're in there. Mayo's a curve ball, isn't it? Because I thought we were going so traditional with the bacon roll. I know. Eat the brown the bacon roll. I know. Eat the brown or red sauce. I know. Mayo. Wow. I'm obsessed with mayonnaise.

Yeah? If I didn't eat mayonnaise, I reckon I'd be thin. What? Seriously, I think if I gave up mayo, I reckon I'd look like Kate Moss. How much mayo are you having on a daily basis? I have cut it down of late. Okay. Well, I don't want to hear about what you've got it down to. I want to hear about what you having on a daily basis? I have cut it down of late. Okay. Well, I don't want to hear about what you've got it down to. I want to hear about what you're on before.

At your worst, at your lowest, Deb. How many, how many, how much mayo you're getting for a day? I mean, I reckon I'd have a chicken baguette. I'd make myself a chicken baguette, roast chicken with lettuce. And I would pile on the mayo. Yeah. Talk us through the pile on there. How much would you say? Could you estimate? If we've got a jar, I reckon six tablespoons. Wow. That's a mayo sandwich. Yeah. That's my chicken is the condiment there. Yeah. It's really bad. I loved it. I love it. Would that be it for the day? No, that would be lunch time. That would be lunch. I was heavier back then. Still got the rest of the jar to get. I was four stone heavier back then. Oh yeah?

I was yeah. And you cut mayo out your diet. I haven't cut it out. Okay. But it'd be silly. You're not on six tablespoons in a baguette. No. No. But would you have some for dinner as well then? Would there be mayo involved in dinner? No matter whatuette. No. No. But would you have some for dinner as well then? Would there be mayo involved in dinner? No matter what it is. Chips were there or wedges. How much mayo is in this bacon roll? We're going tomato sauce, just a little, like we do, just imagine that's the bottle.

I don't really know how to describe. Yeah, you do a little spiral. Yeah, a little spiral round. And then mayo the same over the top, a little spiral round, not much. You really have cut back on the mayo. No, I've really, really cut back. It pains me to say it, but yeah, I have. But you need it in there. If you don't have mayo in there, you're going to be upset with this bacon roll. Yeah, because I like everything to amalgamate. I like the butter and the mayo and the tomato sauce all to go together Yeah, heart tuck in a roll. That's fair. That's good. It has to be a bacon roll. You don't want some sausages in there some eggs

Thank you. No, I don't like I don't know. I don't trust people who have egg sandwiches and egg rolls. You don't trust the people No, I don't understand it. What's your issue with it? Do you know I don't really know. No, just don't I don't like it Is it the pop the pop of the yolk? But you know, when you see someone having an egg and bacon sandwich and they bite down and then the yolk pops and it all spills out the other side. Yeah. It makes me feel a bit sick. Yeah. That's only in with Nell and I. Get in the back of the van. That's happened to me. The fried egg, the fried egg sandwich. I think it's a yokey thing and sometimes the yokey if it's not cooked looks like snot. It's just that yoke thing. I love a poached egg, don't get me wrong. Yeah, yeah.

And a scrambled egg. You know, I like eggs, but... You're not putting them in between bread. I'm just not putting them in between bread. No, fair enough. I mean, for me when I was, I don't know how old I was, a kid, when I had my first bacon and egg roll, this is the best thing in the world. I'd never ever want to go back. This is incredible. Never met anyone who is that opposed to it before.

Do you have a bacon and egg roll now? I would go for it if that's the option. And I'd have some sausages in there. I'd just go full like, you know, breakfast. Yeah, full breakfast in the roll. Would you have baked beans in it? You know what? If someone offered it, sure. I wouldn't. No, I think it'd be a row. Breakfast back. Do you have baked beans in it? You know what? If someone offered it, sure.

I wouldn't. No, I think it'd be a bad idea. Yeah. But if someone said you want baked beans in it, I'd be like, yeah, go on. Would you smash them in? Why not? Let's try it. It would be bad.

It wouldn't be great with the bean juice. You really only need those three things, I think. That's the maximum you need. I don't know, like there's a couple of cafes in Edinburgh where you can get like the square sausage in there or like black pudding in a roll as well. Bacon and black pudding roll. I love black pudding. Oh my God.

So bad, but so good. So good. Yeah. There's a pub near me, a local pub, but it's a really lovely foodie pub and they do a starter. It is ridiculous. You couldn't have this. It's so big that you could, I don't know what I mean, I've had it and gone, you expect me now to have a main meal. The black pudding is kind of a tube size, if you can imagine to your listeners, that sort of size.

What do you say it's like? It looks like a boomerang, but like a black pudding. Imagine, well done James. That's absolutely perfect. I was going to go in a different direction. Yeah, of course you were. Just like a boomerang, but like a black pudding. Imagine if, well done James, that's absolutely perfect. I was going to go in a different direction. Yeah, of course you were. Just like a boomerang. Yeah. Oh yes. That's beautiful.

That's a wonderful starter. I felt very nostalgic even though I still eat them, but like, you know, it's like, it makes you feel homely. Yeah, it does, yeah. And it reminds me of my mum as well, going back to that, going over to the bakers. Yeah. And I lost my mum when I was 19. So she'd go over the bakers when I was about 10. Yeah.

And I'd nick her embassy number ones and smoke under the cooker hood. Under the what? To the bakers. You remember the cooker hood? Yeah, the extraction. The extractor fan. At least she won't know that I'm doing this. Yeah. About 10. I mean, she definitely knew,

right? Come back. The extractor fan is not magic. It doesn't completely remove all smell. And you probably noticed that Fagsman. Always remember, we lived on Essex Road. So I'd look out the window in Islington. So you'd look out and I could see her. So I could just finish up. Oh, she's on her way back. Good old memories. I was sick of the bacon sandwich. That's come on. I wasn't eating a bacon. Absolutely. That's going to be on my next dream. I tell you an embassy number 10 and a bacon sandwich. Absolutely. Get that kid to audition for EastEnders. Right. You're going to be in EastEnders. Yeah. You're going to be in a Dot Cotton brick wall.

Bacon fats are fucking chain smoking. There you go. Get in there. Dream main course. I'm denied with this because I'm such a pasta lover. But part of me is a bit, is that really boring to go for a pasta dish? And I love steak and I do, I really like a good steak, kind of a rib eye or something. So then I thought, is there any possibility that I could have maybe some pasta on the plate with some- You can have a pasta course, Natalie. Some people have hacked this in the past and asked for a pasta course, because that is a thing. It is a thing.

And then a main course. So if you want- I've had a bacon roll now. Yeah? I'd be stuffed, wouldn't I? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But- This is the dream restaurant. It's a once in a lifetime meal. Yeah. I'd be stuffed, wouldn't I? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm a... Look, this is the dream restaurant. It's a once in a lifetime meal. Yeah.

I'm a genie. I can take away you being full. I can't take away my own balls, but I can take away you being full so that you won't be full for this meal. All right. Let's have a pasta course in there. Yeah, that's what we like to hear. Let's have a pasta course in there.

And I would like the tagliolini. So not the tagliatelle, but it's thin. So it's like a flat spaghetti, isn't it like the tagliolini, so not the tagliatelle, but it's thin so it's like a flat spaghetti isn't it, a tagliolini, it's like smaller. That's my favourite pasta. And I would have a lobster chilli pasta. Now I shouldn't, this is a dream menu because I love crustaceans, but they don't love me. A lot of things don't love you. They really don't. I'm not allergic, it's intolerant to a lot of things, but I just ignore it. I ignore it.

I can't do it. I shouldn't eat gluten. I shouldn't have pork. I know I shouldn't have lobster or crab. This entire menu. Most of the menu. Yeah, lobster pasta for someone who shouldn't have gluten and crustacean. And a bacon roll.

And a bacon roll. Yeah, just polished off a bacon roll and now straight into the lobster pasta. If I was eating this meal, the next day you wouldn't see me out of that toilet for the whole 24 hours. Fair enough. But it's worth it, you know. It's got to be worth 24 hours, isn't it? It's got to be.

Reflecting on the meal the whole time. It was good. Just shouting worth it every time you do a shit. So it's lobster and chilli and garlic, I'm presuming. Yeah, chilli, garlic, lobster. Which doesn't love you either. Yeah, hopefully doesn't love you. And a lovely tagliolini. Oh, beautiful.

Really, really nice. Not too big. Let's have a little one because we don't need to be greedy here. No. But it's just that lovely but quite chunky lobster. Hey, when you get a lobster dish and you can't find it. Yeah, agreed. La Candelocatelli's does a lovely lobster. Oh lobster. Hey, when you get a lobster dish and you can't find it. Yeah, agreed. La Canda Locatelli's does a lovely lobster. Oh yeah.

Spaghetti. Whereabouts is that? That is Regency Hyatt. I can't remember what square it's on actually. You'll have a look. The Hyatt Regency Hotel in the West End and then the La Canda's is off of that. Giorgio Locatelli's little restaurant. Surprise you've not been there. No, I've not been there. You've not ever been there? No.

You should go there for the bread basket and the pasta boys. All right. For sure. That sounds lovely though. That's a great pasta course. Any sauce in this pasta? No, it's usually quite,

yeah, it's just a little bit of oil, some lemon on it maybe. Lots of black pepper. Yeah, you don't want to be- No cheese. If anyone puts fucking Parmesan on a fish pasta. See you later. Bye. Bye- later. Bye.

Bye bye. That's yeah, that's like, this is proper traditional Italian, right? Because Italians go mad if you do that, put cheese on it. You can't do it. On a fish pasta dish. So stupid. It's one of my favorite, I appear to be on the algorithm on Instagram of getting videos of people with Italian partners doing things that they know are going to annoy them.

Okay, I like this. So the classic is filming in the kitchen and the man is Italian and he's stood in the background and a woman gets pasta and breaks it over the pot, like snaps it in half. Oh, you can't. And he'll go, oh no! And I go, absolutely crazy. It's brilliant. Wow.

How do you end up on that algorithm? I've got no idea, but now I'm on it. I'm on it. Sounds great. Now if I were to snap the pasta up, my nieces hate me. Oh really? Half Italian, half Neapolitan. They just slack me off really when I cook, if I'm honest.

I can't do anything right. They just stand behind me going, that's not right. How many of them? How many potatoes? There's 12 of us. Is that all the potatoes you're eating? Leave me alone. Let me cook this dinner.

How much mayo are you putting on that? Yeah, Jesus Christ. You've gone through five spoons. So your main course then after the pasta dish. So I think I would go for a ribeye steak. A really nice ribeye. I do like a fillet. I don't mind a sirloin. I don't mind a sirloin. This is your dream menu. We're having Aaron and Ginny. No, we're not. We're backing up. I'm a Ginny sirloin. I do like a sirloin, but I don't think you can beat the flavour of a ribeye. Preach.

Yeah, agreed. Agreed? Yeah. Always ribeye for me. If it's an option on a menu, always getting ribeye. Yeah. Nice marbled fat through that. Beautiful. So tasty. I do like a ch, always getting rib eye. Yeah. Nice marbled fat through that. Beautiful. So tasty.

I do like a Chateaubriand. Yeah. Now don't get me wrong. Well, we would never suggest you don't like a Chateaubriand. I actually don't know what cut that is. What is that? I don't know what the cut is, but it comes usually for two. Big.

It's a big one. It's a nice, it's a big one. Usually on boxing day or the day when all the family come to me, I will do a coat de boeuf, a big big bone in coat of birth and it does I'm very good at cooking and roasting that's my thing. So your nieces leave you alone when you're doing that? No they're still in the ear hole, they're still talking away but they don't muck about with the beef they don't talk about the beef. Yeah thank you. I'm good at doing the meat. The beef's your thing, absolutely.

Medium rare? No medium I don't like blood in it it. I'm really sorry. I know, I know. I think mediums are respectful though. No, it's not. With a big cut of me and I, this is something I'm finding out as I get older I used to be rare or nothing. Then I creeped to medium rare. Now, I don't mind if it's erring in between medium rare and medium. Who's this? I don't recognise this man anymore. Anything above medium can absolutely fuck off. But you're happy with no, I'm very happy. It could be as pink as you like. So if it's well rested, it can be medium rare. As long as there's no blood on

my plate, I'm happy. This is what I mean. It's completely rested. I just don't want any blood. I don't want to cut in and there'd be liquid on my plate. Yeah. But they shouldn't be, should they? Even with like, even with rare, if you've rested it properly, it shouldn't, you know. Yeah. Even if it was completely rested, as long as there's no liquid on my plate, I can eat it. I saw a film the other day where the main character has it almost raw, his steak. Blue. Was he a bear? No, Jesse Plemons. And then his wife comes back. she's been away for ages and he doesn't trust it, it's his wife. So he asks her to cut off her finger and feed it to him. And she does

it and if your partner, if you're away for a bit and you got home and your partner said, I don't believe it's you, cut off your finger. Sorry, why does it work? What's happened with the character? Can we rewind back a bit? I've still not seen this film, so you're ruining it for me. I don't understand why. Everyone knows this happens. Why doesn't he believe, what, is he locked in a room? Is he blind? She doesn't believe it's her. She's acting weird. She's acting different.

She's eating chocolate cake. She never used to eat chocolate. Right. Her shoes don't fit her anymore. It's a weird film though, isn't it? Sounds it. Bit weird. Weirder than EastEnders. Like less realistic. Okay.

Has there ever been a cannibal on EastEnders? Not that I know of. You got to do that. You got to do it. You could come in and do that James. Why don't you come in and be a weirdo that moves into the square and he starts to do it like as a... I'm telling you you're weird. No, you're not acting obviously. No, no he is. Hey, listen, I'd gladly play a cannibal on EastEnders. Yeah. Who would you eat? Who wouldn't I eat? More like. You could eat Sonia. Well, listen. Yeah. Sonia, first to go.

What a CV that would be for you, James. Already full of garlic. Yeah. Delicious. Coming out the pores. Filled with mayo. Yeah. Love that. I'd be quite good, I think, to eat. Who else is still knocking around in the square? People that you might know. Ian Beale's still there? Yeah, Be, I'd be quite good. I think so it's eight. Who else is still knocking around in the square?

Um people that you might know because he's still there. Yeah, Billy's there. He's he's got You having a you having a chunk of wood yet? Yeah, I love wood. Yeah Maybe that would just be I just eat in bill because I think like longest serving cast member Um, yeah very much. So one one of yeah, I mean, it's a good I think I think what what are you ending? Yeah for his character. Yeah, I'd at least give it, it's a good... I think, what are you ending for his character? Yeah. I'd at least give it a go, try and eat him. I think that, you know, maybe Stenders isn't ready for actual cannibalism, but a cannibal character who tries to eat Ian Beale.

I think perhaps you'd get a lot of people watching that. Yeah, you would. Just from the listeners of this, to be fair. Yeah. If I've got him in a big cauldron in a pot and he's like bound at the ankles and wrists. He's got a phrase that he says, he'd be going around in the cauldron and be going, I've got nothing left. Yeah. Yeah. I've got nothing left. Yeah. I'm like, keep on crying Bill. It just seasons the pot. I'm not sure Eastenders is ready for a cannibal actually. Yeah. No, I'm not sure either. Just maybe purely because it's on at half seven. Yeah. I think maybe a storyline where someone thinks that someone is a cannibal and they suspect someone of being a cannibal. It could be like a bit of a comedy storyline because like their wife, their wife goes on holiday and they don't know and they're like,

oh, he's eating her or something. Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm eating people. Yeah. Because it's just different stuff that I'm doing. I think you should stick to what you know boys because I think the story liners at work are probably okay. Well, take that to them anyway. Take that to them. I will let them know. Let them know that the off menu boys have got an idea. Yeah.

And it's that they should be a cannibal. They'll probably be very excited. Or that everyone thinks there's a cannibal on the square. Yeah. Hey, this was exciting in my house many years ago. I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. Excuse ago. I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. Excuse me? I had the same dressing gown as Sonia. My mum was like, you got the same dressing gown as Sonia. That was exciting.

That was big news in our house. What kind of was it? It was like, it had pattern. It was quite patterned. I'm trying to think of what one it was. Yeah. It was like... Why did you have a female's? I'd say it was a unisex dressing gown. It was probably around the same time as the trumpet came in. Oh, so while we're looking maybe 95, how old are you Ed? I'm 38. Are you really? Yeah, yeah.

I'm 31, so... This is probably when I was 9 or 10 maybe. Yeah, so I would have been maybe 13, 14, something would have been. Same dressing gown. Wow. Mad, isn't it? It's incredible. I was planning to bring... It's such a shame that we haven't got a visual of this. I know.

Have you got a picture of it? I'm sure. I'll ask my mum. I'm sure. Google Sonya 13 dressing gown. Be careful. I was planning on bringing that up, but I couldn't find a moment for it to come up naturally, so I just said it. Off the back of the cannibal chat. I think it works perfectly. Are you having any sauce with this steak by the way? I do like a B&A sauce. I don't know if I'm a bit sauced out from the mayo, tomato ketchup. I think I'm going ribeye.

With the ribeye, I know I've got a side, I know I have a side. Is that it on the plate? Well, tell us what you want. I'd really love a rocket and parmesan salad. Yeah. Yeah, great. Can I do that? Yeah.

Couple of little piccolini cherry tomatoes. Yeah. Bit of red onion. Nice. So yeah, I'd have a nice salad with it. This is going to blow your mind, Natalie. That's what I'm having for dinner tonight. What, on that ribeye? I've got a ribeye in the fridge and I've got some rocket and some tomatoes and some

parmesan. What with this and the dressing gown, I think we're meant to be here. I know, right? Yeah. This is brilliant. I think we're mates, soulmates. I think so. Yeah, yeah.

Might be the same person. That could be the twist at the end. That'd be a big twist. Big twist. Suggest that to the storyline people. Me and Benito are humoring you, but we know it's just... Okay, this is a good storyline. I turn up in the square. Don't in you. But we know it's just. Okay. This is a good storyline. I turn up in the square.

Don't preface it with this as a good story. It is. I'm there for a couple of months. I'm getting up to all sorts. Then big twist. Get up to all sorts. I'm part of Sonya's imagination. Like Fight Club.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What do you reckon? You think this hasn't done that yet? No, we've had a few kind of breakdown What do you reckon? Good work, yeah. You think us hasn't done that yet? No, we've had a few kind of breakdowns and things with people visualising other people, but no, we haven't had...

No big twists where a new character turns out to be someone's imagination. Imagination, no. That could work. Yeah. Your dream side. If I'm going my dream, it doesn't really go with them food, but I do love a dolphin wire potato. I really like it. That goes with it. Well, it does, but I could have a very, very nice, just a lovely skinny fry. Sometimes I don't think you can beat a lovely salty skinny potato fry, not a sweet potato fry. I like a sweet potato fry.

You can't get them as crispy though, can you? No, you can't. Although the air fryer does well. They're the frozen ones now. They're quite good. I've never tried an air fryer. So. Oh, it is good. I know it's boring. It's got material. I don't want to tread on his toes. People are over the top about them, I think. I agree with you. But I chuck in some nuggets and some chips in a drawer. Yeah. With not a lot of washing and it is ready in 10 minutes. Yeah, convenient. It's very convenient for the children. It's great. But we're not having that on the side of the dream meal though. We're either going to have skinny fries or the dauphinoise potatoes. I'm going to go dauphinoise because I'm having a dream and it's something I don't cook a lot. This

is a ball ache to make. I love them. Fucking hell, it takes a while. You've got a routine about Dofamise. I've got a routine about Dofamise as well in my new show because I cut my thumb on a mandolin. This is unbelievable stuff. This is crazy. I tell you what I admire because in my stand-up shows now I kind of steer clear of food because I think I've got to save all my food stuff for this pod. Ed is confident. All over it. Yeah, it's all I've got. He's confident, man. He just does food routines. He's like, I'll generate new stuff. I'll generate new gear. He knows he will. It's my brand now.

The food stuff. Yeah, it's my brand. You should stop presenting MasterChef. No, I can't. I'm on Great British Men. I'm a judge on Great British Men. They're warring factions. Oh shit, I didn't know that. Yeah. How long have you been doing that for? Three years. Oh, that's embarrassing. He's done quite a few series of it. I haven't watched that for a long time. No, genuinely, I haven't watched that for a long time. No, genuinely, I haven't watched that for a long time. I'm gonna start watching that now. Well, it's, you know, it's a, it feels like a fresh format.

It's a whole new show. Yeah. He's doing food jokes on that. He's doing food jokes here. He's doing food jokes in his standard show. Listen, don't knock it if it works. Yeah. I'm not knocking it, I'm admiring it. Yeah.

It's great. What are you doing then? What's your sort of material? Sad, he's sad. I just talk about how sad I am. Fair. Your dream drink. Okay, I think if I'm having a nice meal, I would really like a lovely cold glass of musso. It's quite a posh wine, quite a rich and creamy wine. It reminds me of Christmas.

It's something I buy maybe once a year, a bottle of, for Christmas Day that I like to drink. If I was being nostalgic though, I would have my dad's cup of tea that he used to make me. Because it was just a lovely cup. And he'd go, do you happen to have a cup of tea, squirt? And I'd go, yes please dad. He used to live with me. So, I would do that. That's lovely. I'd have it and my dad's cup of tea. It would be a shame not to have both of those things I think. Have both.

What about, I mean the cup of tea would go very nicely with the bacon roll. The bacon roll, can I have that? Can I have it there? Yeah, absolutely. Great, thank you. You're very good. Like the rules are, no Desert Island is, because it's not real. We want it to be people's actual dream meals. Like we don't want it to be, you know, the rules are there to like guide you, but we want people to actually have their dream meal. With the bacon roll as well.

Do you also want a Ciggy stood next to the extractor fan? No, thank you because I don't smoke anymore. But we can make it so that, you know, you're 10 years old when you used to smoke the most. When you're at the height of your smoking at 10 years old. We could have it for that course, you're 10. Just a cup of tea and the bacon roll. That's a nice starter. Can you describe the cup of tea your dad would make?

It would just be a lovely, nice, strong Yorkshire girl cup of tea, left in for ages. Not too much milk, but you know, just a nice builder's tea. Sugar? No sugar? No sugar? Sweet enough James. Do you think it was the way your dad made the tea that made it a nice cup of tea, or was it the fact that your dad was making it for you that made it nice? Both. Both things, yeah. It was just because he would make me a cup of tea.

And even up until, you know, he was, you know, 83 or whatever, I'd be running around and say, oh, you don't stop, do you? I'll make you a nice cup of tea. And you know you know, it was quite a nice thing that you do. That's lovely. Really lovely. Yeah. I've never had this wine before. I never heard of it. I think you did. I think I have, I have had Merceau, yeah.

It's nice. It's quite rich. It's quite full bodied. Obviously again, depends what wine you're having, but the one I've had before has been really lovely. Right. I usually in the summer and stuff, I would go for a night, probably a Sancerre or something like that, a Polyfume. But I feel like my taste buds with wine are changing. How so? I just feel very snobby about it.

And I don't mean it, but I used to have a Sauvignon Blanc and be happy with a Sauvignon Blanc. And now I can't say it. It tastes like piss. All seven year long tastes like Pesty. A lot of it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like pub, what you go, what have you got? I haven't got a Garvey. The most expensive one in the pub is kind of the seven year long. I don't like Pinot Grigio. So I'd have one of them and think, Oh, this is awful. It's like petrol, which is why I'm not an alcoholic. I'd rather have a diet coke. Yeah. That's why you know, I mean, no, I think that's a good, you know, you go, well actually

if it's rubbish, I'd rather have a Ribena. You're not drinking to get drunk. You want to drink a thing that you actually enjoy. It's a bit like gins, isn't it? I don't like rubbish gin. Yeah. Do you like gin and tonic? I love a gin and tonic. What's your favorite gin and tonic? What's your favorite gin? My favorite gin is Harris gin, which is from the Isle of Harris. Okay. It's sort of, it's made with like kelp, which is like seaweed. So it's got that sort of seaweed slightly salty taste to it. Nice.

Absolutely delicious. It comes in a beautiful bottle. I would have it with tonic, but it's better. I find it do like a gin martini and then you get the full sort of hit of the gin. That's nice. But then I do them at home and you're like, I'm pretty sure there's four measures of gin in that and I've just drunk it in four minutes. It is true. And then you just walking around your house going, I'm absolutely hammered. After two drinks, like you get the old Negroni's on the go. Yeah. Saying hello to everything. Oh my goodness mate. But just to be clear, you're not an alcoholic. Not an alcoholic.

No. Leave for his head. We're just chatting about gin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just getting shitfaced in your house. Yeah, but I'm drinking the nice stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you not drink, James?

Yeah, I do, yeah. Yeah? Do you like gin? I drink. Huh? Do you like gin? Yeah. He drinks, yeah.

I have his gin. I like his seaweed gin. Okay, I know what's happening here. Well, no, they won't send me any, I have to buy it. I have a question about the sans serre. Sans serre? Yeah, you said to the majeure laud to a sans serre. Did the barman ever go, a sans serre for soigneur?

No, but that's very funny, James. Would you like that if the barman did do that? No. No, probably not. We arrive at your dream dessert. My favourite course. Are you a sweet tooth? I am.

He's a sweet boy. Is he? Yeah, when to get a sweet tell me. Boring. What? Boring? What? What are you talking about?

I knew Natalie would be on my side. We already know. We're the same person. Yeah, evidently. What are you talking about? Not interested. You're not interested. Not interested.

What? My Mark, he bakes well. He bakes cakes. He does a marmalade cake and a whiskey, marmalade and whiskey cake. Lovely. He'll bake, you know, and he'll take stuff to work. What a lovely man. He is a lovely man. I should have brought you a cake in, if I'd known. Next time. Next time.

Well, you don't get guests on twice, do you? Well, I think. If Next time. Next time. Well, you don't get guests on twice do you? Well, I think, if they bring cakes. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, but there's lots of cake around and my daughter was on the Junior Bake Off as well. So she did really well and... She was amazing on that. Biscuits, biscuits.

Okay, well whatever. She was brilliant on Junior Bake Off. Did you watch it? I love Junior Bake Off. Do you? Yeah, I think it's brilliant. I think it's better than normal Bake Off. I love Harry Hill on it, that's why. Yeah, Harry Hill's incredible.

I think Liam and Rav are brilliant, nice as well. I agree. Yeah, I love it. The kids are always funny. There's always one chaotic one, he just drops everything but doesn't care. I think it's fantastic. Yeah, it is good. Anyway, yeah, so I'm not really into desserts.

I haven't really got a sweet tooth. Sometimes- This better not be going where I think it's going. I do love a fruit and nut in the fridge. Is that all right with you? I wasn't, sorry, I wasn't expecting fruit and nut in the fridge really made me laugh. You said it like it was an innuendo. It is, it's not, but like, um, look, do you like chocolate in the fridge? James? I do. I do. I do. I do like chocolate in the fridge. Actually. Yeah, I do. I do like chocolate in the fridge actually. Yeah, I do. I do like chocolate in the fridge.

And if that is your dream dessert. No, that's not my dessert. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up James. That is not my dessert. I'm just saying out of it, if we're going into chocolate or sweet things, okay, I'll have that in the fridge. Or I would go for, you know, that's Bon, is it Bon Mamon? for, you know, those bomb, is it bombamon? They do the little French bollocks, like a mousse, blackcurrant mousse. What? Because you said bollocks out of nowhere. Not necessarily bollocks I've ever heard. Not necessarily bollocks on a jean. But like it was, it was out of no, it was like this mud in your breath. Sorry, yeah. Just thinking it's a blackcurrant mousse they do.

The Bon Mamon blackcurrant mousse. Yeah, and that sounds great. That would go in there. Lovely. However, don't, don't, don't however, because like I'm very scared now that you're going to go savoury. And I am. Oh, yes. It's been a while since we've had this. I don't like this, Natalie. I want a cheese board.

We're the same person. What have you got against cheese? It's been so long since this has happened. It's not a dessert. You know it's not. Oh my God. Talk us through the cheese board. When I go into a restaurant, James. When I went to the Ledbury. Wonderful restaurant by the way. It is best restaurant in London. My favorite. Yeah. Brilliant. I hope it burns down. Genuinely. I hope it burns to the ground. Same favorite restaurant, James. Same favorite restaurant, James. Jesus. So, Same favourite restaurant, James. Jesus. So, when you go to a nice restaurant, why is there a cheese course, James, at the end? What's the problem?

They're pretentious dickheads and they're just putting it on there, just to, if anything, just to test. I think it's fine to have a cheese board after you've had a dessert, that's absolutely fine, or even before as a bridge into the dessert course but to not have a dessert at all and to just have a cheese board is absolute sacrilege and I can't believe what I can't believe this is happening I can't believe how angry you've got considering I've ordered Alan Genie and then a fucking bacon roll and a cup of tea those things were great I was alright with those

things what do you want I can't believe this has happened I would like there's some sweet stuff on the board, James, if that helps you. If you think quince jelly is gonna... Natalie's doing proper mum voice at you now. Yes, I don't like this at all. A little dried apricot. A little dried figgy.

What the fuck? A little dried figgy, James. A little dried figgy. A little figgy fig. A little figgy fig, James. This is revolting. I also like the biscuits, kind of the, you know,

crackers biscuit savoury things that we have with cheese, with the fruit in. Those ones that are called biscuits for cheese? Yeah, those ones. They're great, aren't they? There is a little bit of sweetness in there, isn't there? Yeah, there can be a little date in there. It makes it feel like a pudding, doesn't it, when there's a bit of sweetness in there. Yeah, there can be a little date in there or there can be a... Sweetness in there.

It makes it feel like a pudding, doesn't it? When there's a bit of sweetness in there. That's enough sweetness for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rounds off the meal nicely. Maybe some few fresh grapes, but I'm not overly bothered about that. Leave them there. Just leave them there. Leave them there. I prefer a little apple slice. Yeah, nice.

If I was going for anything with a fresh fruit. Goes nicely with like a cheddar, yeah. So like a blue cheese? Absolutely horrible. I would really like an extra mature cheddar, a really good one. Yeah, nice. If I was going for anything. Goes nicely with like a cheddar, yeah. So like a blue cheese? Absolutely horrible. Yeah, I would really like an extra mature cheddar, a really good one. I love an extra mature cheddar. With like the crystals in it sometimes. Yes, please.

I'd go Cornish Cruncher. If I'm going into it, I'd go Cornish Cruncher from Marksies when I'm buying. Yeah, the number five. If it's got five on it. The black one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. This is absolutely tragic. And then I'd go for a lovely... I feel sorry for you. I'd go for a lovely...

blue, nice blue, strong blue. Yeah, like a Stilton or something? Yeah, I'd go Stilton and then I'd probably go for a little Gorgonzola. This is sad. Yeah, really nice, really tasty. It's sad stuff. You don't need much, do you? Just a few things. You need the classics. As ridiculous as it sounds, I even like a Wensleydale with cranberries.

Yeah, nice. And that's sweet. That's almost like a dessert. I mean, that is a dessert. Yeah, yeah. It's not a dessert. None of this is dessert. None of this is a dessert. Fucking hell. So yeah, I'd have a few slivers of that. Lovely. A little bit of fig, some lovely thin crispy crackers.

This is my doof doof. These biscuits with cheese. This is your doof doof. I'm getting doof doofed all over the shop by both of these fucking pricks. That's unnecessary. I've traveled down here from where I live, it's taken me an hour and a half to get to you and you call me a fucking prick. Yeah you're lucky I'm raining it in. He is raining it in normally storms off. I'm raining it in you're lucky I'm still even fucking here. Yeah. My god. It must be really hard to work with Ed. It is sometimes

yeah especially when people pick a cheese board. Now James. What going to change it James? You've got to try and lift the atmosphere now for the end of the episode because you've got to read Natalie's menu back to her. She's lucky if I read that back to her. Well I can read it back if you James. You've got to try and lift the atmosphere now for the end of the episode because you've got to read Natalie's menu back to her. She's lucky if I read that back to her. Well I can read it back if you want. You don't do it like I do. Would I be able to with that course because I just have a little glass of port with that? Yeah. Thank you. Damn right. Well that's yeah I'm okay with the port. Yeah. That's nice. Is that nice? Yeah, the port's nice. This is just, this is mind blowing. We were doing so well. Sam Pellegrino with the wedge of lime, the Bolognese Arangini with the truffle. Yeah. Bacon roll with the white crusty roll, salted

butter, unsmoked ginger, pink bacon, tomato sauce, mayo with your dad's cup of tea. What a lovely beginning. And The pasta hack with a lobster and chili tagliolini or something. That sounded great. Rib eye steak medium with a medium. Imagine a genuine way to check in the order like this. I like the medium slide, but you've got your rocket and parmesan salad is nice. Steamed white potatoes. I thought that was lovely. Even though you weren't back in it, I thought that's good. It goes with the main cold glass of Merceau wine. I've not tried that but I assume it's not. And then what? Just to get to the end of it and you got fucking cheese board.

Lovely. With a glass of pop-up. But how? Classic. This is a classic delicious meal. That is not delicious. We're in France, baby. We're not in France, baby. Do you not eat cheese then?

I eat cheese. You like cheese? You like cheese board just not for dessert? Not for dessert. We're not in France, baby. Do you not eat cheese then? I eat cheese. You like cheese? You like a cheese board just not for dessert? Not for dessert. I ain't having it as a dessert. No, no. It's insane that you... If I ate that... You've got a lot of anger issues, James. If I ate that... Yeah. Well, this is why I should be a character on EastEnders. I'll be good.

They should write me as they've cannibal. A cannibal can't get angry about someone having a cheese board. I think it could. It'd be very angry about that. Yeah. I think even more angry than me. No, no way. A cannibal can't get angry about someone having a cheese board. I think you could. He'd be very angry about that. I think even more angry than me. No, no way. Cannibal. Yeah. He's got no basis to be angry about a cheese board if he's eating humans.

You perhaps say he's not got a leg to stand on and then realize that was a cannibal pun. Yeah. I didn't want you to chime in with it. Yeah, I would have done it. Yeah. I didn't want to give you the room to do that. Yeah. I'll read you like a fucking book.

Yeah. I saw the idea literally room to do that. Yeah, I'll read you like a fucking book. I saw the idea literally, and eat your head, written out like a cartoon, in a little thought bubble. Yeah, and I wasn't going to let you have it. Well, I got it anyway. You can't hide your thoughts from me Ed Gamble. So you're going into EastEnders as a cannibal, and I'm going in as a figment of Sonya's imagination.

Yeah. Wearing the dressing gown, please. Yeah, wearing the dressing gown. Absolutely. Yeah, we have to find it. Yeah. That's the point where people know. Yeah.

It's when I come down the stairs in the dressing gown. Yeah. And you're in the same dressing gown. That's. Yeah. That's the big reveal. But I should be wearing the child size, the child size one. Well.

As an adult. As an adult. We don't want to reveal too much. No. It's half seven. Do you mean storyline wise or? Well, no, I'm thinking of this. Yeah, my Aaron Genies. Yeah. No. It's half seven. Do you mean storyline wise or? Well no I'm thinking of this. My Aaron Genies. Yeah. Yeah. Natalie thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. I'm so sorry it's ended on such a

sour note with James being a very grumpy little boy. Well thank you so much for having me. It's been so lovely to see you both and sorry James. Thank you for coming Natalie. May you burn in hell. coming. Actually, may you burn in hell. There we are the brilliant Natalie Cassidy. Oh dear James that turns out at the end of it. Look, I felt betrayed. Because when we did spring leaf the audio sitcom, she never once mentioned that she likes cheese boards. So if she had, we'd let her carry on. I would have fired her. Yeah, I would have fired her. Yeah. I would have fired her during spring leaf, the audio sitcom and got someone else to do the part. That is of course available wherever you get your podcasts, spring leaf, the audio

sitcom. Very, very good. It is indeed too wonderful cast, wonderful cast and life with Nat is also available wherever you get your podcasts. So go and listen to that. Thank you very much for listening to this week's off menu. I'm so sorry James for such a horrible egg. What the ending? Yes. Yeah. Horrible. But at least she didn't say guinea fowler. Yes. She didn't say guinea fowler. And I was worried for a second there. Yeah. I wasn't. What do you think that would have been on the cheese? If that was on the cheese board, I would have loved it. Oh, we're going to pop a whole guinea fowl on it. She said She said, also, do you know what? I'm feeling flush. Put a guinea fowl on there. Yeah.

I'd have been like, haha, you fell for the oldest trick in the book. Why would she be feeling flush and put a guinea fowl on? I don't know. Isn't that something people in EastEnders say? Feeling flush. Do you mean like, got a bit of money knocking around? Yeah. Or do you mean like, they've gone red? I thought it was got a bit of money knocking around. Yeah, yeah. Do you mean feeling flash? Oh, is I thought it's got got a bit of money knocking. Yeah. Yeah Do you mean feeling flash? Oh, is that what it means?

That was that what the thing I think feeling flush could be you've got a bit of money knocking around Yeah, but why would that have she's like, oh, yeah, let's splash out on the guinea fowl splash out on a guinea fowl put it on The cheese board. Yeah, it's like an option on the menu. Yeah extra tenor I think we've got a guinea fowl on the cheese board for you. That's a fucking weird restaurant. Yeah. Extra tenor. I'll give you a guinea fowl on the cheese board for you. Fucking weird restaurant. Yeah. Hey, this is a crazy restaurant man. Well, thank you so much to Natalie for coming on. We will see you next week. What's a Natalie? Are you saying that to Natalie? Cause we won't see her next week. No, no, no. We will never see you ever again. No, I think we get on this podcast or socially. We get back on to chat about cheese some more. Cause whenever people make a cheese board, you have your tantrum. And then I don't even get to talk to people about cheese some more because whenever people make a cheese board

You have your tantrum and then I don't even get to talk to people about cheese properly Why don't you do that as a spin-off series? Just you? Yeah, and all the people who chose cheese boards talking about cheese boards really in depth. You can do that Yeah, oh, I won't stand in your way. We'll add it to our patreon. Oh, yeah Make sure you sign up to the patreon and we love all our patrons. Thank you to our patrons. There isn't a Patreon. Yet. Yeah. Never say never.

Never say never. But one of the additional things will be the cheese board files. There'll be the cheese board files and also multiple chances to win signed chopping boards by the great Benito. Just let us know if you've received your ones from the fruit salad competition, because we're a bit worried that those haven't got to people. We're a bit worried that Benito lost track

of when the fruit salad, how many things were in the fruit salad, when the fruit salad was over. We're a bit worried Benito lost track of that. Yeah, so make sure we get those fruit salad chopping boards out to the winners. So just let us know if you've received one. If no one lets us know, we'll assume that it's not been done properly and we'll get

Benito to go through the emails again. And if you've missed out on a chopping board, we're going to send you another chopping board. Yeah, absolutely. We'll send you another one for sure. It says sorry. It says sorry. Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Thank you. Goodbye.