Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 263: Josh Widdicombe

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

After nearly 6 years of Off Menu, we finally welcome friend, stand-up and podcast royalty Josh Widdicombe to the Dream Restaurant. And he‘s got a bone to pick about a previous episode… Trigger warning: this episode contains chat about dieting. Josh Widdicombe is on tour with his new show ‘Not My Cup of Tea’ from September 2025. Tickets are on this sale Friday from joshwiddicombe.comListen to Josh’s podcast ‘Parenting Hell’ wherever you get your podcasts.Follow Josh on Instagram @josh_widdicombeRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast taking the chips of conversation and adding the cheese of humor, Cheesy Chips. That's a gamble. My name is James Hagerster. Together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favorite ever start a Main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Josh We're gonna come I could have put some chili and garlic sauce on the chips

I suppose could be so many things you could have done. I respect it. Just the purity of cheesy chips I think it was cheesy chips and that's it Yeah, you know Maybe that's fitting for this episode because I imagine Josh Willicombe when it comes to food simple kind of guy simple kind of guy Straightforward but a wonderful man and a wonderful comedian a wonderful man wonderful comedian We've both known him for many many many years worked for him several times. They're definitely I mean, you know For well, we'll definitely get Josh on at some point day one. We were like he's in the bank. Yeah Yeah, he'll do it whenever But sometimes you take people for granted.

You do. Well, not anymore. Not anymore. He's here. Um, and look, we'll be talking about his new tour. Yeah. Not my cup of tea. What?

That's what the tour is called. Yes. Yeah. And also a description of how I feel about, no, not my cup of tea. It's happening in September, 2025. Get your tickets early. And Josh's tour is on sale this Friday. So make sure you go on to joshwitticom.com and you get yourself some tickets.

If you like laughing, get to the show. Get to the show. Yeah. Um, listen, we love Josh, but if he says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant rules of rules. And today the secret ingredient is a goat's cheese and caramelized onion tartlet. This is your suggestion. Would you please explain why it's such a specific thing for Josh? It's the last thing he ate before he got swine flu

quite a few years ago. I remember him telling me that he can't go near them now, he can't have them. But then I also have a memory of him telling me that he's started to be able to eat them again. Okay, so it's not because some people will get annoyed if we're picking something that they definitely won't pick. Yeah. But maybe his love for goat's cheese and caramelized onion tartlets is back with a vengeance. Yes, so it'd be fun for that to be the thing that gets him kicked out and we ruin it for him again. Yeah. So then it's like he's got another negative memory attached to it.

Yeah. And therefore he has to stop eating them again. Yes, absolutely. Funny. Yeah. It would be funny to do that. Um, should we get on, get on with it? I think we should get on with it.

Everyone wants to hear what Josh Whitcomb's dream menu is. Why stand on ceremony? This is the off menu menu of Josh Whitcomb. Welcome Josh Whitacombe. Welcome Josh to the Dream Restaurant. Delighted to be here. Welcome Josh Whitacombe to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Not as much as I've been expecting me either.

This has taken a while. Well, do you know what? I've on more than one occasion been complimented on my appearance on Off Menu by people. Because they just assumed. They just assumed that they've listened to it. I wonder who they've confused you with or like... I think they've just gone, he must have. Well I mean that's true but like I think very early on we were like look there's loads of people that we know who would be brilliant on it so let's not get them. So let's book them first. So let's not get, well let's not out all our, all our brilliant reserves early doors. Who's still on the bench or is this a lot of people? Beckett is on the bench. You know, obviously fantastic podcast royalty. Yeah. Um, and I think, I think maybe we've been

too cocky actually with Beckett. No, I think we think we've got Beckett whenever we want. I don't think that is actually true. He likes to sell though, doesn't he? If you get him at the right time. I think the thing is, there was a point about a year ago when I thought, when they ask me, I'm gonna say no. That's gonna show them. And then instantly, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm available.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be there. Beckett's a hard get now, I think. He doesn't like to leave his house. He doesn't like to leave his house. We tried to get him to do the Taskmaster podcast that I do once and he went, no, no, no, no, no. I'll do your food one. There you go. Bartering already. But that was about three years ago. Yeah, now we're in trouble. Yeah.

You get Rob Beckett when he's contractually obliged to do promo. Yeah. He'll definitely do this over Lorraine. You know, it's not like he can hold anything over us and go, well, I won't book you for mine. It's like, we're childless. I know. I know.

But I'm waiting. I mean, Rob does genuinely say that to me. He's like, when are you going to have kids? I know. You two are just ambulance chases. Yeah. Yeah. They're the good kind of ambulanceasers. We go to early now. So you interview Joel like even like four months into the pregnancy. Get the first one in because you know you can get another one post birth. Same reaction that you got for our podcast Joel from yours?

What the protein shake. They absolutely hated him. They still hate his guts. Yeah. No, I think if we rebooked him, we would because I saw him the other day and he said how he just, it's just great. It's just easy parenting. It's like, yeah, we're probably not going to book you in actually, Joel. We don't want people enjoying the process. It's not parenting heaven. It's not parenting heaven. No. That's got to cross your mind at the process. Parenting heaven. It's not parenting heaven, no. That's got to cross your mind at some point.

Parenting heaven. To do another one. Yeah. Or a spin-off. Another podcast called Parenting Heaven. Well, I wonder whether we should, we really missed the opportunity to, you know, franchise the hell like the rest is. Of course.

Have you thought about doing off other things? Of course. Have you thought about doing off other things? Yeah. Well, I'm not sure that we, we'd have to get other hosts in for those. Yeah. But you could do a sports one that's like off team sheets. Off the ball. That's like off the ball.

That's much better. Yeah. Off the ball. And then it's like your dream and you'd be like a genie football manager or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be a genie football manager. But the problem, the problem with that is your dressing room is the dream concept. And I'm not

saying it was necessarily us who started it, but there's a lot of other podcasts that now do the dream thing. Yeah. So that, that football manager one has already happened. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. With, with some other people. Music of course has happened 80 years before you started this with desert island discs. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Oh, come on. It's different. They're not, they're not screaming, you know, Elvis or Roy Orbison at the top of their voices. There's a myth and a trick. Why is there not a genie on it? I'm not into desert island discs. You're not. It seems very up your street. I assumed you were. I've known you for a long time.

Well you're about to have your assumptions blown today. Because they don't talk about the music enough. They'll just choose a song and then they'll talk about like... The memories attached to it. Well they won't even do that, they'll just be like, that was Oasis or whatever and then they'll go, now let's talk about your mum and you're like... Oh yeah, yeah.

It's like it's not connected enough for me. I love the idea of you screaming at your right again. Don't talk about your mum. Ask about why he chose the song. Yeah. Cause you probably get into that, you know, that's what happens on this one. Exactly. Yeah. And then when I listened to the Graham Cox and one of this, I had the opposite. Yeah. You're a human. Stop talking about phones. You've got here. I don't think anyone's ever been angrier about a podcast than you were about the A that we got Graham Clarkson. Yeah. And B that we didn't talk to him enough about blur. I know barely

scratch the surface. I bought blur versus Oasis. What more do you want? Oh my God. That's the hot topic. Oh man. Just talking to him about some fucking tacos. Does, cause this was brought up on a text group that we're on. Uh, and you were like, I can't believe, uh, you interviewed Cox and all this. And I just remember that during that conversation, we made a lie up that I still don't think we've cleared up with the person who we were deep in, I think Ellis James might still think that we've interviewed Paul McCartney. Yeah, I think he does. Yeah. But that's not out the question.

I don't know. He's big on the food scene. He could be promoting. He loves Ramesh. He loves Ramesh. Ramesh has been on this podcast. Exactly. We're one week away. Kevin Bacon. Yeah. Doesn't like bacon. No, neither does Ramesh. So we're, you know. Don't bring up bacon. Neither do you, of course. Neither do I, of course. If we're talking food. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been vegetarian all my life. Lifelong veggie. Lifelong veggie. Yeah. Haven't even tried it. I've been vegetarian all my life. Lifelong veggie.

Lifelong veggie. Yeah, haven't even tried it. I've had it. I have tried it. And then the last time I ate meat was in Rio in 2016 at the Paralympics when I was really drunk and me and Alex Brooker picked up the wrong subways. RIO 2016.

Such a huge, amazing Brazil. What a beautiful country. You're getting drunk with Alex Brooker and having a subway. Yeah, yeah. 3am subway. Get what you deserve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I ate a full foot long steak sub without realising it. Well, the only way I realised was right near the end, so I didn't eat quite full. I was like, I didn't order cheese sauce. Cause it has that cheese. And then Alex was like, Oh wait. And then we realised we got the wrong one. But I thought it was just like a Brazilian, like veggie patty kind of thing. So I, but then I threw up cause I think not because my body rejected it, but

I think the thought of it. Yeah. It's actually so much. Yeah. Like a foot long. Full cow. Basically. That's it. That's the proportions of it. Yeah. They get a whole calf into one of those foot long subs.

It's actually less cruel to do the foot long than have half a calf and then the half because you're not wasting anything. Yeah. It's, it's nose to tail. Yeah. Exactly. Use the whole animal. Yeah. What was Booker's reaction? anything that it's not it's no to tail.

What was bookers reaction? Was he like, Oh, actually mine was delicious. So I might go veggie now. No, it wasn't. No, he's a committed carnival. No, I don't remember. We were, it was like 3 AM and it was the last night. Yeah. And so, so we weren't going to go for like a Michelin starred meal.

No, you probably would off. Yeah. Immediately. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It's Rio at the Olympics? No. You probably would off. Yeah, immediately. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's Rio at the Olympics. Yeah, Paralympics, thank you very much. Yeah, even better. Why do you hate the disabled?

Finally, finally. If they ask me that every time I'm on last leg. Every time I'm on last leg, opening question, oh guys, come on. I can see two reasons, Serg. Yeah, this is a pre-record, right? What? Last time I saw Brooker, he had to have a word with me because we were playing the task master football game

and I kept on passing it to him by, I wasn't thinking, but I just kept, I was kicking it quite high in the air. And he said, can you stop? I said, James, I've got one foot. Can you stop like kicking it high in the air for me? So I'm going to go after it. Like that's not lobbing people and pass it to me. It's not the best way of doing this. But were you, are you a good enough football player to be under control?

No, it was just like every time it just happened to be that I was like panicking and like I can't control it very well. Yeah. A lobbing Brooker every time. It's like, we've all due respect, James stopped doing that. He's someone else that we've not had that would definitely be great. Absolutely. We get the book of a broker. You got a book of a broker. Now, before we get into your food choices, Josh, why don't you tell us about not my cup of tea?

Oh yes. I'm on tour. Yeah. I'm back. You're back. When was the last tour? Wait, it straddled COVID. So it was 2019 to 2021. That's a huge tour.

Yeah. It wasn't as huge, it sounds like a huge tour, but there was a huge gap in the middle. This guy loves the road. Yeah. That's what led this. Josh, the only comedian who insisted on touring throughout lockdown.

Yeah. I know. No one's allowed to come. Yeah. Russell Howard and Josh like ships in the night. Touring the world. Bringing happiness. You just go to the empty theatres, wouldn't you? Just to soak in the atmosphere. And to be honest, in the second half of the tour, I'm still going to quite empty theatres. This is why we finally had you on the podcast,

because you finally named the tour after a drink. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, exactly Yeah, we're like, oh this guy actually gets it. I get it. Yeah. I get it. Yeah, I love tea. You do love tea I love tea. Yeah, I've got and it's got out of control actually I've realized I named the tour and I couldn't come up with any stand-up about tea Really trying well, you're talking to mr. Lasagna of it I've been really trying. Well, you're talking to Mr. Lasagna over here. Yeah, trust me, mate. They don't know.

Well, now I'm just looking at the title. No, they're not. My current show is called Hot Diggity Dog. Not one mention of hot dogs. Not one mention of hot dogs. That's the rule. It's the comedy rule. Yeah. If you put a food or a drink in your show title. Can't mention it. Never mention it.

I was thinking of drinking a tea on stage. Yeah. But I don't know. It's quite late. Yeah. Evening. Well, you could drink, you could drink a decaffeinated tea. I could drink a decaf. They're never going to know, are they? No, they're not going to know.

But for how long are you going to be drinking that? Like, it's going to go cold. It's going to be like the second half, I'm going to actually be a bit thirsty and there's going to be like a stewed cold tea on it. Flask? Is it a case of a flask? No, it's thermos. Also, you definitely tell people it's decaffeinated. That's so in persona to be like, don't worry everyone, it's decaffeinated. Well, you know about my problems with coffee. Do you know about my problems with coffee? Go on.

So when I was at university, I got really into coffee. So when I was at university, I got really into coffee. Not in a way where you just knew about it. Not like Ellis James, who's like grinds his own beans. Just I had drunk six cups a day, maybe. And then I was throwing up every morning. Okay. I suspect this wasn't coffee based. No, it was. It was. Cause then I cut out the caffeine. And now if I have a coffee, I have

like such a high and then such like a come down. Like if I had a coffee now in the afternoon, I'd think, why am I depressed? I had a coffee. It's like too much for me. Wow. You're puking constantly. No, no, not anymore. Cause I've stopped drinking as well. So I'm just carrying out all the things that make me puke. That's clever. I haven't puked in a year and a half.

Haven't been to Subway in a while. Haven't been to Subway. Oh, that was another one. Yeah. But that was alcohol related in a way. Sure. Cause I would have made that mistake. Yeah. A bit of both there. Stopped hanging out with Brooker.

Stopped hanging out with Brooker cause he makes me sick. I love that everyone else's uni stories are like, I was boozing so much. I got really into drugs when I was at uni. And like, I had a big coffee problem. I had a big old coffee problem. Were you just having like normal coffee to where you get having it? Latte's. Latte's all the time. Six latte's a day. A lot of milk as well. Oh milk. A lot of milk. I drank so much milk. Six of them a day. Maybe I was lactose intolerant looking back. Well, there's milk in that tea.

We've got it. It's on a smaller scale. Yeah. Cause they do say like you can't drink. If you try and drink a certain amount of milk, is it four pints? You just, your body rejects it. You project, projectile vomiting. Yeah.

Whatever. We could try that at the end of the podcast today. Yeah. A little bonus content for online. People want to sign up for that. Yeah, a little bonus content for online. People want to sign up for that. Well, that's very exciting. The new Josh Whiddicombe tour and people will have to buy tickets to see if you do end up drinking tea on stage.

Exactly. Buy your tickets. You know, I kind of get the thing. I don't, I mean, you guys have had to promote standup tours where you go, there's never anything to say except this is me doing standup. If you like me, you'll enjoy it. If you don't, you don't. You just need to tell people it's happening. It's just happening.

Yeah, yeah. It's coming around the country next September to Christmas and then probably again afterwards. I think the main thing to promote with stand up tours that go on sale a year in advance is buy your tickets, but then when it comes to next year, don't forget that it's on. Yeah. Put a reminder in your phone that you're coming for this. But I've been to people all the time and go, we had tickets to see you. The next day we were getting ready and we looked at our phones and realized it was the day before. Oh, thank you. Cheers. Thanks. Thanks for the money. Yeah. Thanks for the money. When I was doing those COVID gigs, so I did Cardiff rearranged on St. David's day, rearranged on St. David's day,

three years after it had gone on sale. Oh my God. Sold out less than half full. Oh my God. Wow. Isn't that mad? Yeah, that is. It was also pancake day, but I can't imagine that's made that much of an impact.

It can't have kept anyone awake, can it? Do you have any idea how rare it is that David's Day falls on pancakes? In Wales they would go insane! Of course, think of the themed pancakes they could be making. So many, like... Dragon shaped pancakes. Yeah, a rabbit pancake. Yep, roach cake pancakes.

Dare we mention leaks? They'd be going crazy. Yeah, there's no way they would have come to your gig. They're full of say the same pancakes. They're all puking because they've had so many pancakes. They're puking. I forgot about the quick pancakes. Yeah. Too much milk in the pan.

Eight pints of milk through pancakes. Still a sparkling water, Josh. Sparkling water, please. I wouldn't have predicted this. No me neither. I would have thought you'd thought. Get ready for the ride. Okay. Because maybe I'm not the person you think I am. Already I'm thinking who is this guy. I love sparkling. Wow. I've got a thing at home so that you can have sparkling water without the guilt of the plastics. Right. It's not a soda stream. Yeah. Just to be clear. Yeah. My tour gets picketed. It's a different make of the same thing. Yeah. A water carbonator. A water carbonator. Yeah. It's difficult isn't it? Because there is a brand name. It's like Hoover isn't it? But um, yeah, I've got a water carbonator. So I'm probably knocking out

Liter and a half of fizzy water a day. Wow. Is it first thing in the morning? Is that how you hydrate when you wake up? No, I don't really hydrate when I wake up When are you having your first sip of water? So I start the day with tea. Yeah Yeah, obviously obviously and then I I'm probably on four or five teas by lunchtime. Wow. Wow. This guy. Is that too many do you think? It's a lot. I would say, where have you got the time to do that? Well, they don't just sit and drink the tea. But you're constantly like doing stuff, having tea at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can multitask. Yeah. Like this. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. When I got here and Ben offered me a tea, I didn't say, well, yeah, but we should

start the podcast. You know, I can't do anything while I have my tea. Yeah. Yeah. I remember in the early days of us on the open mic circuit and we would meet up at each other's houses and try and write stuff and work on our material. You would be chaining the cups of tea. Chaining the tea. And I remember you saying to me once how you absolutely love it. The more teas you have because the mug is getting stained with the previous tea and it's all building up and you're getting like, it's like each cup of tea is taking on the remnants of the tea before it. I've got no memory of this.

I love it because like, now it's got like, you can see how the mug's getting just dirtier as the day goes on with all the tea. And it's like the history of the previous cups of tea. Yeah. Like cutting a tree and seeing the rings. Yeah. You can see how many cups you've had for rings of tea.

Yeah, I remember it was a pop of cups. But I now drink water in turns with my tea cause otherwise you're not enjoying the tea. Oh, so you drink water, not for like hydrating purposes. No, no, I do. I like to hydrate. I'm big on hydration. But tea's hydrating you as well, right?

I don't think it is, is it? I still don't know what the truth is to that. Yeah, well, I hear this about coffee as well. Don't drink coffee at dehydrated. It's like, it's got water in it. Of course it doesn't. Yeah, it's not the sea, is it? No.

Well, it's not. The sea's got water in it. Of course it doesn't. Yeah, it's not the sea, is it? No. Well, it's not. The sea's got water in it. Yeah. Yeah. That doesn't make sense. But what I mean is I love fizzy water. So if I go out for dinner, I'll have a big bottle of fizzy water. Yeah. Lunch, big bottle of fizzy water. It's a good way of getting your water in while, but normal water's boring. See, the thing is, but I could imagine if I was doing like an AI Josh Widdicombe stand-up set, like in my head, I could imagine you doing a bit. That's essentially what I'll be doing.

From next September. I could imagine you having a routine talking about people who like sparkling water and getting angry at them. Yeah. Yeah. Well, don't rule it out. Yeah. Anything that works. They said to me, do you want sparkling water? I said, no, because I'm not living in Lovita local.

Well, that, that's just a problem. Yeah, but I am fun. Yeah. And you're saying the sparkling water proves that you're fun. Yeah, I know. I don't actually have a laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, it's mad. It doesn't add up with you at all. Well, wait till you hear my menu. Yeah. It'll come to it. But like, I just think it's more fun. It's quite exciting. You can't have too much.

Like, it's quite thrilling to try and beat the bubbles. What? Talk us through it. Just see how long you can go. Drinking sparkling water from a bottle. Beat the bubbles. Beat the bubbles. Michael McIntosh's The Wheel is a wonderful show,

but I think when that naturally fades away, I think Josh Ridicam's beat the bubbles is next in line. Yeah, each step is in a bubble, like one of those big, you know, orbs. Yeah, you're all racing to the answer. There's all the answers are written on the floor. And you got to like hamster wheel it over to the right answer. I think beat the bubbles as a round where you've got fizzy water, it'd be like, who wants to be a millionaire, right? So the first round is a one second press on your carbonator, up to a 15 second press,

and each time you have to down a pint of it, can you deal with the pain? The pain. Yeah, yeah, Beat the Bubbles. Beat the Bubbles. I think James' idea has more longevity as a shiny floor entertainment show. Yeah, yeah, but that's the thing with James, he's a populist. Yeah. My was hosted by bubble for Big Brother. Oh yeah, yeah, of course. When he ran into the sofa. Yeah, best moment, best TV moment of all time. I forgot that, what, run me through

it? He's called to the garden for some reason. There was like a task where there was like an alarm thing where they all had to go and line up in the garden or something. And the alarm went off and he was like, and like panicked and ran top speed, but his thigh hit the sofa and he basically did an immediate full flip. Pobdums or bread, Pobdums or bread? Josh Widdekam, Pobdoms or bread? Pobdoms. Interesting. 100%. Yeah, love it.

I have got an AI routine all about bread in restaurants. Of course I have an AI Widdekam routine. But I think it fills you up too much. I love it, but it fills you up too much. People say this about sparkling water that you know as well. What? People say sparkling water fills you up too much. People say this about sparkling water that you know as well. What people say sparkling water fills you up too much. Who says that? No, we've had loads of people say that. Yeah, it's just extra air.

Believe me, we've had every take on sparkling water. There is. I bet you have. And you haven't had beat the bubbles till today though. That's the first time I've been. I'll be honest. I've not said it until I went to this room. We've never heard beat the bubbles before. But we've heard a lot of people say it fills them up.

Fills them up. Yeah. Bread, I understand more. Of course that fills you up. But I, you know, personally, I just love bread. So I'm happy for it to fill me up. I love bread, but that's the problem. I'll ask for more bread because it's so good. So it's, I love it. It's the best bit. But you love it too much. I love it too much. Yeah. So you're picking your second favourite out of poppadoms or bread. No, I love poppadoms as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Poppadoms are incredible. I like M&S mini poppadoms as well. Yes. Absolutely love them. Do you like the sensations poppadoms, lime and coriander ones? No. I like a plain poppadom. So when I was a kid... This is more than Josh Whiddicombe I was expecting. Here he is, he's shown up. He's shown up. That cowboy who was in the water course has gone home. So when I was a kid, my first... I didn't really realize that poppadoms were good for the first

maybe 13 years of my life, because we used to that poppadoms were good for the first maybe 13 years of my life because we used to get poppadoms from the supermarket, which were spicy poppadoms that my dad would put under the, I think they'd be like, you'd grill them. Yeah. And they were crap. So that's what I thought poppadoms were for years. I don't know if they're still available, are they like, Charwoods or whatever? Yeah, I can say you can buy Charwoods, things like that. Yeah. Sure. I'm familiar with the

brand. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why I'm so insistent on all the different brands, but you wouldn't mention your water carbonate brand, but also, there you go. I was worried about the pronunciation. Yeah. Is it Arca? I don't know. I've never heard of them. No, no. So you had Char Charwood's poppadoms didn't like them. Yeah, but now I just love a poppadom from a restaurant. I adore it. I think it's the best bit. John Robbins, he won't have poppadoms with a curry because he feels it fills him up.

Which I'm sure you know, but that does my head in. He won't have rice either. I don't have rice. Yeah, I've kind of copied that from him. I hate it because the first time he brought that up, I really like make fun of him for it. But it's such a waste of space. Yeah, no, I completely agree with that.

I don't go for rice, but Pappadoms, they're not who are they filling up? Exactly. Well, I said the same about Sparkling Water, but apparently, you know, Miriam Margulies and Steve Coogan have been filled up by it. Is there a particular restaurant you've had the best poppadoms at that you go, Oh, I can one of those ones. Um, I don't like, uh, it when they go off, off the normal. So if you go to a, Yeah, no, go on. You don't like it when they go off the normal.

So if you go to a pretentious Indian restaurant that is good, like, like, I don't mean pretentious, that's the wrong way of saying it. Cause I go to these places cause they're nice. But you go to an Indian restaurant that thinks it's more than an Indian, more than your average Indian restaurant. Like a high end, high end. Like your Deshooms or your crickets. They don't do poppadoms, they'll do a different type of kind of similar thing. And I just think that's a shame. But you like the straight up plain sort of British Indian curry house. Exactly.

The kind you'd get. 90s poppadoms. 90s poppadoms. I'm on Brick Lane. I'm in Birmingham. I'm in the Eastern Eye in Newton Abbot maybe. Not even going for the curry mile on Manchester. Where you... The curry mile.

Yeah, the curry mile. Surely you've had many there. You went to uni there? It was always a bit expensive for me. Oh yeah, you were too. I knew you were permanently awake though. You could have gone out any time. The money I was pumping out on lattes was, I wasn't pumping out a tenner a day on lattes.

What's the point of having a nice dinner if you're just going to throw it up the next morning? Exactly. You drank your body weight in milk, there's no way you're going to lay a curry on Lattes. What's the point of having a nice dinner if you're just going to throw it up the next morning? Drink your body weight in milk and no way you're going to lay a curry on top of it. I won't be having a lassi, I'll tell you that for sure. Lassi and a korma please. Lassi. Yeah, lassi, sorry. Sorry, sorry. But yeah, I like a classic, you know, British Indian restaurant,

Popadom, in the classic manner, with the dips, yoghurt, you want best. I entertain the other two, but really I don't care. The yoghurt ones, that's your top. The yoghurt ones, just the best one. Why do you entertain the other two? Is it so the yoghurt doesn't get ideas above its station? You gotta keep it on its toes. No, because I like to think that I'm not just eating yoga every time.

So I'll go in the other two just to convince myself that I'm... You're mixing it up. I'm mixing it up. And what are the other two? Lime pickle and mango chutney. And I'm not into the raw onion. I love the raw onion. Do you?

Yeah, I love the raw onion. That shouldn't surprise you. It's that gamble. Why do you love the raw onion? Well, so mango, I love the raw onion. That shouldn't surprise you. Is that a gamble? Why do you love the raw onion? Well, so mango chutney, I feel, is too sweet. So if I put the onion on top, it cuts through the sweetness a bit. So why don't you just not have it? Well, because I quite like it with the onion.

With the onion, I think it's perfect. You know, I'm putting all the different dips on, trying, you know, mixing it up. Like a DJ of dips. You are a DJ of dips? DJ dips. And the poppadom is my vinyl. I don't know. on trying, you know, mixing it up like a DJ of dips. You're a DJ of dips? Yeah, yeah, yeah. DJ dips. And the poppadom's my vinyl.

Let's not rule that out for your next tour poster. Yeah. Mixing a poppadom deck. Yeah. But it'll be that, but it'll be photod so well, like your posters are. The photograph will be done with such high standard. But it'll actually, you'll get away with it. Yeah. And then we put it on the tube. I have to replace the poppadom with a bit of lattice. so well, like your posters are, the photograph will be done with such high standard, but it'll actually, you'll get away with it.

Yeah. And then we put it on the tube, have to replace the poppadoms with a bit of lattice. Yeah. You'll have a debate if poppadoms are junk food or not. Yeah. So you want a pile of poppadoms to arrive? I've got an issue with a pile of poppadoms. Please. Interesting. In your publicity photo where you're sat with the poppadoms, I think it's a shame that their shop bought poppadoms rather than from a takeaway.

Yeah, real shame. I just, I just annoys me. Yeah. Because I don't think that's the question you're asking. The breads are a lovely range and then you've clearly just bought some shit poppadoms from a supermarket. Well the bread probably came from the same shop to be fair. Yeah, yeah, they probably are better at bread than poppadoms. So you would have rather it was like we got it from a curry house and you can tell they're

not uniform and we've got some proper delicious looking poppadoms. So you look at those ones and think, I bet they don't taste nice. Well, it's not a decision that I would go bread in that situation if that's the actual options. But no, it's not the options. When we say to you poppadoms are bread. It's not the specific ones from our publicity. Yeah. When you saw that poster, did you go, well, I wouldn't go and see that show. Stuck to his guns.

But when you do DJ dips, 28 tour, make sure it's a good poppadom. I'll come fair. That's stuck to his guns. Stuck to my guns. But when you do DJ dips, 28 tour, make sure it's a good poppadom, I'll come watch you. Absolutely, absolutely. I'm gonna make sure of it. So you don't want the, you do want a pile of poppadoms, but obviously from a curry house. Yeah, yeah, from a curry house. With mainly your good dip.

Yeah. And the other two just to. Just to feel like I'm not boring. Yeah, yeah. Let's get into your dream starter okay so oh don't need to be silent there no no are you being something for the sound effect yeah yeah we don't play them in life I know that your producer makes you do that I thought I got told to be silent on the sparkling water. No.

Did you? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. That was because we were raging ahead, we hadn't covered the tour. But we're keeping all this in. Yeah. Because mainly what we want to do on this is make out that we're more professional than you so that we can, like, you will lose listeners. Yeah, yeah. I'm pervaded in hell. we can like, you will lose listeners. Yeah. Yeah. I'm parodied hell.

Yeah. Yeah. Fine. Because you have to pause to put in your sound effects of like an app being changed and- Exactly. Yeah. A baby crying. Yeah. Yeah. And someone breastfeeding. I've never listened to it, so I don't know. You never listened to this? Not really. I've listened to two or three episodes over the years where I'm like-

Did you listen to the Graham Cox one? I found it very disappointing. I wish I would have asked more pertinent questions. I think of Graham Cox and every time I have Natty Gurren now, because he chose that and he spoke about it so nicely about his dad and every time I have it I think about Graham Cox. I think about him once every hour. Whenever you're listening to Blur basically. We mentioned you to him. I know, yeah.

You didn't say who? No, no, no, I've met him. I've met him on a couple of occasions. He described Keith Richards fingers to me as looking like knickknacks. Where was that food chat on the phone? You're fucking out, Coxen. That's absolute gold. I'm having the wrong conversation with him.

So you're a dream starter, Josh. I tell you what it conversation with you. So your dream starter, Josh. I tell you what it is, to use a football analogy, sorry Ed. Oh wow. Okay, I'm going to be on this. It's a difficult situation. England have got it occasionally where you've got to fit the players in, but there's people that overlap. So you're playing something out of position.

You're playing someone out of position to get them in the team. So I'm on tour with Chloe Pets. I'm well aware that this is happening right now. The Euro squad. You're making out, you're playing Chloe out of position. Yeah. She should be headlining. She's playing out of position. So I wanted to fit this in. So I've, I've had to put it here. Yeah. As a starter. And this does undermine not going for bread. Okay. I want toast. It does undermine it.

It does undermine it. It absolutely undermines it. But now I'm glad I haven't filled up on bread. Because you've got bread to it. Did you not think you could have had toast as your popular bread course? Well, it's popular bread. If you go to a restaurant, they said, do you want bread? You can't say can I have toast.

I love, I love of all the guests, of course, Josh is the one who's absolutely, literally the one who's going to refuse to engage with the dream element of the restaurant. Dream. It's a dream restaurant. I'm a genie. You can do whatever you like. It's your dream meal. You could have had- Well, then I, then could you say Papa Dom's of bread, I'll have a chili. You can't say that. But that doesn't really... Do you see how toast is more like bread than chilli is? Well yeah, I see the argument, but I still think they're both not bread. But then, in what real world are you going to a restaurant and they've got toast as a starter?

Well, it's Dream Restaurant, Ed. Yeah, good point, actually. Sorry. Ed, if you think this is hard work, do in a show called Hypothetical Women. Right. I just I love toast. Yeah. I adore it. Yeah. It's just, it's the best thing in the world. So I did a, um, like a diet where you're like doing your macros, right? And all day, all I do, cause you'd have to vlog your thing on your phone, and all day all I do was leave enough so that I could have a slice of toast

as a treat at the end of the day. That's all I thought about was my slice of toast, butter and Marmite at the end of the day. So is that what you want in the dream restaurant? What I tend to have as toast. And you might, I know you don't think I'm fun, but wait till you hear this. Two slices, one with Marmite as my main and one with marmalade as a pudding. I can't slug that off. I think I've said something similar on the podcast before.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you have. I love it. So yeah, I've done the triple of like butter, marmite, marmalade. Oh, yes please inject it into my veins. What a dandruff, I want to enjoy it in my mouth. Yeah. And I do, I do get it. It is nice. Yeah. Toast is, I think there's obviously, cause I know you guys like the kind of, what does this mean to you? Obviously there's a nostalgic, there's a deeper. I'll give you this. I know you guys like it. Yeah, I know you like this kind of shit.

I heard you trying to get Coxson to talk about his tacos on one of the main channels. What does toast mean to you? Well, no, it's just, there's a homeliness to it, isn't there? There's a feeling of safety. There's a feeling of security of being at home. I love it. And routine as well, I think, toast.

If you grew up having toast before school or whatever. Whenever I have toast now, I just feel like, And I don't have it for breakfast now because it's not a great start to the day, energy wise. So toast has now moved into my treat section of my life. And the treat will be in the evening. I know we've covered that. The treat will be in the evening, will it?

And it will be toast. It will be toast. It will be like, should I have it? And it will be toast. It will be toast. It will be like, should I have a slice of toast at quarter past ten? Kids have gone to bed. I might tidy up the kitchen, listen to the newsagents with Emily Maitlis and have

a slice of toast. Sticking your head around the door to your wife going, should we have a slice of toast? She doesn't even want a slice of toast, she's having dark chocolate buns. Wow. You've married quite the renegade. Toast. There was a biopic of Nigel Slater. Yeah, his book. It's just called Toast. There's a bit when he makes toast for the first time. It's basically like, you know, his first bit of what he sees as cooking. And it's filmed really beautifully

from like inside the grill and the toast going in and it shows the butter melting on the toast. And that like, I'd say renewed my love. That renewed your love for toast. That's when I started doing the three quarters thing. And I was like, that is delicious. That is so good. I get through, if I have toast, I just can't, I can't stop. Like especially when I was like, when I was a big fat kid, I used to go over to friends houses and their mums were not in, they were under no sort of, James is laughing. Imagine me being a big fat kid, I used to go over to friends' houses and their mums were not in, they were under no sort of, James is laughing, imagine me being a big fat kid.

I always, always think it's funny. Because they don't have to restrict you when you're someone else's kid, they just like, keep making your toast. I'm like, I could go through a life. I had a situation, my friend, his mum made us, I remember having eight slices of white toast Yeah. On the Arga, real clash of cultures there. In a row. And we were still going and she was like, you guys, like a barman, you've had enough. This toast in the dream restaurant, white bread. Granary, I think. I respect that. And

I want to cut it myself. I've had enough of going to somewhere, I'll name a shame, Gales, and them saying, do you want it sliced? Cause I just don't. It's too thin. And if I'm going to spend more than I should on bread, I least want to slice it. I don't want to get sliced bread. So, but you're annoyed at Gales for offering you the option. Yeah. Even that they're not doing it and then giving it to you and you're like, I didn't want this slice.

I just don't think it should even be an option. I always get my bread sliced. What? Why? Because it means that I can have a couple of slices of it and I don't feel awful afterwards, whereas if I'm cutting it myself, I'm cutting doorstep thick slices. Yeah.

I'm not very good at doing them uniform. Yeah. You don't need to do them uniform. Live a little. Be able to wedge shape. Just enjoy the difference of life. Look, you two are different. We're still like you. We're different slices. Yeah, you're different slices. There's a doorstep and there's a wedge. I'll take that. I was the doorstep for the listener. The doorstep and the wedge.

The wedge gamble. Do you want to slice it? How thick are you slicing it then? I thought we were about to move on from this, but actually there's a lot more to take. Yeah, we actually haven't got into the nitty gritty of the toast. I'd like to go thick please. Yeah. Yeah. How many centimeters we talking?

Oh, well what? I don't really know what a centimeter is. It's got a fit in the toaster. What? You don't know what a centimeter is? Right, sorry. I buried the lead there. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Josh, when he can just know what a centimeter is. All right. What's a sliced piece of toast? One centimeter? No, I'd be less than a centimeter of a slice of toast.

Yeah, maybe slightly less. Okay, then probably 1.3 centimeters. Okay. So you're not going big, like, it's got a fit in the toaster. But I do with sandwiches, I have a big thing about ratios. I think the filling has come to dominate sandwiches in a way that I think is unhealthy. So you're hanging, you don't like the filling. No, I like, I like, this is more like you'd imagine me, isn't it? Yeah. Absolutely perfect. Yeah. In my head, I'm just seeing us climbing the

charts. We got him. We absolutely got him. Just let him talk. Yeah. You don't like the filling of the sandwich. I don't like the filling of the sandwich. The bread's the best bit. I hate it when there's too much filling. when there's a thick gelatinous cheese. Delicious. It's awful. Like, it just stick into your mouth and the bread, it's all about the bread for me. Yeah. Look, bread is of course important in a sandwich. Yeah, I'm glad you've...

Of course, I'm willing to admit that. But I love... That's big of you. So would you... So your dream sandwich is just like butter and Marmite or whatever. My dream sandwich would probably be... That's a different podcast. That's a different podcast.

Off sandwich. Yeah, that's off sandwich. Off sandwich. Part of our franchise. Part of your franchise. I'd love you to start franchising. My dream sandwich is butter and Tom and the Squares. I'm glad I asked that question. Had it to go, didn't even have to think about it. I knew what it was, salt and vinegar squares.

Are you doing it with salt and vinegar squares because you can fit them perfectly into the sandwich? No I'm not actually, but that is a bonus. I imagine also they're not overlapping the salt and pepper squares. No, actually I don't mind a little bit of overlap. Like when I do my, I take that over the fear that there'll be a bit where they're not overlapping. Like when you do cheese on cheese and toast. Yeah. You don't want a gap. You don't want a gap.

I'd rather a bit of overlap than a gap. Yeah. You'd rather an overlap on cheese and toast where one bit hasn't necessarily melted as much as the others. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's an overlap on cheese on toast where one bit hasn't necessarily melted as much as the others. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's an overlap. Don't get me started on people who grate cheese on toast. I think we're gonna... If we get you started on every single issue, we are going to be here for eight hours.

Well, it's got to your dream main course, because that's the very Josh Willicombe star and sounded delicious. Franco Manker, pizza number five, no anchovy, but with chilies instead. I think we both knew this was coming, didn't we? Love it. Yeah. You introduced me to Franco Manker. I did.

Look at it now. Yeah. It was very, very, to be fair, it was very early days. It was a very early adopter. It was tucked away in the corner of Brixton. It was in Brixton market. Yeah. And it was just like a small pizza place where the waiters were overburdened and like there was only about 10 tables. And then now it's everywhere. Yeah. Well, that's how that. That's capitalism. That's capitalism capitalism for you and it was the same with honest burgers as well started in Brixton Village. Yeah

Yeah, and now that's everywhere How do you feel about that when sort of little restaurants that you like then sort of end up going, you know all over the place Initially excited. Yeah. I mean the way I suppose you compare it to a band, isn't it? Yeah I mean, the way I suppose you compare it to a band, isn't it? So initially, when the band that you like, that no one really knows about, breaks through, you're quite excited for them. And then by the time they're headlining Glastonbury, you're livid. Yeah. Because everyone's in.

Everyone's in. They've changed their sound for the stadiums. Yeah. Frankamanga though, I'd say still the quality is the same. Still the quality is the same. They still play all the hits. They still play number five. They still play man by number five.

A little bit of anchovies in your life. Yeah. Well, no. Not without anchovies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

So talk us through the number five for those people who aren't across the full menu. Okay. So the number five is anchovies, which I forgo. Yeah. Olives, capers and garlic. Right. Is that cheese and tomato on there? Oh yeah, sorry, that's as, as, sorry. Well not on all of them. And a base, as a base as well. There are some Fankamaken pizzas that don't have tomato on them. I know, and it's just one for one fuck. And you get a plate. Yeah. You get a plate and you get another fork. Yeah. And a bill. Yeah. I, yeah, we've got no time for the no cheese pizza

or the no tomato pizza. I think the no tomato pizza as well often isn't clear enough about that on a menu. Yeah. I do agree with that because you're- It should be heavily warned. We should be in a separate section on the menu. Yeah.

It should be in the, whatever, like pizza Bianca. Cause sometimes it's like a white thing or just like a no tomato pizza. It shouldn't be snuck in with all the other pizzas. And then in the tiny little, in the small print being like just missing tomato off the list. You're like, come on. Tomatoes default. Yeah, exactly. I assumed it was a typo.

Has it always been the number five for you? Yeah. It has always been the number five. What would be the, that kind of olive caper? And I presume the anchovy falls into the same thing, that kind of salty. Very salty in, in pasta with that's like a puttanesca, right? Yeah. I love a puttanesca.

I imagine the answer to this is yes, but would you like to hear about my first caper? You did not need to ask in the future, Josh. Yeah, I imagine the answer is yes, but would you like to hear about my first caper? You did not need to ask in the future Josh, you just go for it Also, I'd like to hear about your first caper and I'd like to hear about your first caper So my first caper the meaning of the word food Yeah Was when Plymouth Argyle played in the Division 3 player final in May 1996. Pilgrim Pete going crazy?

Pilgrim Pete was there. Throwing capers into the ground. We won 1-0 at Wembley. He was singing with the football chants, mouth wide open. So I came to London for it because it was at Wembley. I think I'd been to London when I was like seven, but I hadn't really been to London. And we went to Peter Express beforehand and I had a Venetiana and I had capers on it. And it blew my mind. And I just thought, this city, this place is like, it's something else, isn't it?

One day I've got to live here. The way these people are living their lives is like nothing I've ever experienced. I know you often see if you go down to like houses of parliament around that area, you'll often see just like people who've just arrived in London gazing up at Big Ben eating a jar of capers. They can't believe it. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So that's, that's what I'd say. Get on the Millennium Eye and eat a caper. Yeah. As the London Eye. It's Get on the Millennium Eye and eat a caper. Yeah.

It's the London Eye, it's not on the Millennium Eye anymore. You got to drop it at just the right time though. Yeah, yeah. The caper. Yeah, you're right. Make sure. Number four for me at Frankemanca. What's number four?

It's very nice mushrooms. I think buffalo ricotta cheese or something. Oh yeah. And ham, I've been eating, I literally looked it up. I can see it see he's looked up, he's nodding as I get them right. Yeah. I think there's little tomato on it. It says little tomato, but then everyone always goes, can I have extra tomato on it? So does that mean little tomatoes or not much tomatoes? Not much tomatoes. Yeah. Right, right. Because I would think that would mean little tomatoes. Yeah, I just thought it meant like a cherry tomato. Yeah, one little tomato.

It's three cherry tomatoes spaced very far apart from each other. Just a fair warning. I don't know, I've barely been to Frankham Anchor, I don't know what my order would be. I really like the salad actually as well, that you get with the pizza that's got parmesan, olives, sun-dried tomato. Would you want that? Would you be number five? Yeah, as long as it doesn't count as my side dish. I was thinking this on the way. Is that going to count as my side dish?

No, you can put it all in with the main and you can do that. Yeah. I'd like that. Yeah, it's nice. You put in chili oil, I love the chili oil on the pizza. So this is something interesting about me. Well, you'll be the judge of that. It's all the interest in Josh.

This is all great. You won't believe this. I love spice, which is so out of character. Yeah. Yeah. Like I, and I go at Nando's, I'll go extra hot and then I'll get the black bottle and have that as well. Nice. Yes. I love the black bottle. I just, I love spice.

You're just a guy who loves a rush, right? I just, I live for the rush. What kind of a rush are we talking though? Because like there are certain things you're like, that's too adrenaline fuel, but like spice, again, it's like quite... Spice, yeah. Not the drug. Spice the spice. But I don't like, sorry, Billito, I don't like roller coasters. I find them too scary. And I mean, there's a lot of things that you find I wouldn't do a skydive yeah no I'm gonna be told me you don't like big headphones because it makes you feel sleepy they make your ears too warm and then you feel sleep yeah that is true

that took me by surprise I've never heard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I know why that is. It's because I sleep with the duvet over my head. Oh my God. Oh God. What? That is something that I think everyone tries

when they're a kid. So when you're a little kid, at some point you try sleeping with the duvet over your head, you try sleeping the other way around on your bed, and putting your pillows where your feet usually are. I had to do that the other night because my son came and slept on our bed, so I had to go down the other end. I was horizontal at the feet. But still head under the duvet?

No, I couldn't at that point, but by that point I was so tired it didn't matter. So I go head under the duvet, because I go, what the fuck is your wife thinking? She's sleeping next to you. What's wrong with that? I've never met anyone who sleeps like that. So it's snug. It's a little door mouse. Do you not want to be a little door mouse?

Yeah, I get that. I get the attraction of being a little door mouse. When you're asleep, would you not like to be a little door mouse? Yeah, because you don't want to be a little doormouse. Yeah, I get that. I get the attraction of being a little doormouse. When you're asleep, would you not like to be a little doormouse? Yeah, fair enough. I have a good sleep. Yeah. So, head over, duvet over the head. Yeah.

Kind of hook it over. And then, so I've still got my mouth and nose out for breathing purposes. And do you put fresh straw in every day or? So, putting the big headphones on then makes you feel like you're under the duvet. I've missed train stops because of that. Because like chemical memory kicks in and you fall asleep. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, woolly hats as well. Huh? Woolly hats. Woolly hats, yeah. Yeah, of course. I've never seen you in a woolly hat. Yeah, exactly. Is there spice in your side dish Josh?

To an extent, I'd like a sag paneer please. Nice. Always delighted when sag paneer gets a shout out. It's my go to side I guess, but quite often it comes in main portion size on an Indian takeaway but what a treat. Yes. So I love sag paneer. I'd say paneer is along with halloumi is an absolute it's a relief to a vegetarian. Yeah. The existence of those

two yeah does do a lot of the work for where meat disappears. Yeah. If that makes sense. Texture wise? Texture wise it's just big, it dominates. Yeah yeah yeah it's a centerpiece. It's a centerpiece. I hate falafel. Yeah I do know this about you. Yeah yeah and I find that annoying that you're offered it as an option so often as vegetarian because it's crap and it's dry. I know people you haven't tried good falafel but no I haven't. Point proven. Point proven yeah. Even good stuff though you can't have it too much like I've had really good falafel but I wouldn't want it twice in a month. Yeah yeah yeah exactly. Like it's you know you can't eat all the time. Yeah yeah so I like paneer's great. It's I like tikka paneer as a starter, but obviously I've got toast as my starter. Yeah. And I thought I'd be mad to have toast as

a side of pizza. Nowhere else in the format where toast would fit. Cause I presumed rules were there for a reason. Turns out that popadoms or bread doesn't mean popadoms or bread. It means poppadoms or bread or toast. Yeah. Or prawn crackers. Yeah, or prawn crackers. We've let people pick those before. We've never had a prawn cracker.

Could you have a quaver? Well, not now. You've picked... Yeah, right. But we would let someone, if someone said they wanted a packet of crisps or a quaver for that. Probably. We'd let them have that.

That seems the equivalent of poppadoms or bread bread just change your crib sheet that you send out what's your when you go to a curry house then what's your order Papa Dom's yeah garlic naan yeah no rice vegetable Danzac mm-hmm some paneer of some sort yeah sagaloo Tarkadal. Job done. Job done. Job done. That's a big order as well. Well, I like to share it. You're sharing.

I think it's insane when someone just has one curry. Yeah. Like, isn't the point to have more, like, you're meant to mix and match, right? You're meant to be able to dip into other people's. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

I don't really, I'd prefer a curry in than a curry out because I'm so tired by the end of a curry, I just need to go to bed. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really, I'd prefer a curry in than a curry out because I'm so tired by the end of a curry. I just need to go to bed. Of course. Yeah. I mean, probably headphones. Awful. I don't like a light. The idea of eating a curry and then getting under your own duvet is terrifying to me. What I don't understand, which blows my mind, is curry at the start of a night out. Yeah, I don't know who's doing that. It's mad. Yeah, yeah.

So full. Absolutely mad. I just don't want to go out. No. It's the end of a night. If you're out, it's the end of a night, or you're eating it when you're in. Otherwise, I'm just like, I feel like a balloon. Yeah.

I couldn't drink the curry as well. Like Like when I used to drink, you'd give the pint it's like those people who feel about sparkling water. I'd feel about like a pint. I love it. I love having a Cobra with a, with a, yeah. I have a wine, I have a wine with a curry. Do you? Yeah. Love it. Too tiring. How'd you get through it? Well, very happy, very happy boy. Talking to your friends. Yeah. Talking to your friends. Lovely time. There's a moment when you go, for fuck's sake, I'm in a restaurant and I don't want to be

now. I'm home, under my duvet, like a little dormouse. Well this dream meal then, if you're eating Sardinia, are you alright for it to be in a dream restaurant or do you want to be at home next to your bed? Could I be eating all of this in bed? Under the duvet? Not under the duvet. I'm not an animal.

Yeah. You are, you're a boss. Maybe downstairs. Yeah. I like eating in front of the TV. I think eating at the dinner table is criminally overrated. No. Yeah.

Well, you famously love television. Yeah. Your first book was about it. Yeah, I hate eating at the dinner table. The thing I hate the most, and this is a real problem in our relationship, is once you've finished still sitting at the table, I just can't stand it.

What, and talking and stuff? Like in a restaurant, let's go, we've eaten. And Rose will be stringing out a tiny bit of wine. You're like, come on, I'm knackered. It's half nine. It's always knackered. I'm so tired, it's half nine. I've eaten four bits of bread before this even started.

I think I'm quite liable to food energy reactions. Yeah, it definitely seems that way. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's what's doing it or do you think it's the fact you're one of the busiest comedians in the country? Yeah. No, I do think it. I do think it's, I have bad reactions. I tried to be at a Mars bar the other day. Tried. Tried. I had to give up because it was just too extreme. How far down the Mars bar did you get? I know you're not very good with centimeters. Halfway. And then I put the other half in the fridge, which is depressing.

Isn't it? They're too much. Well, they're helping you work rest and play. That's the thing. They weren't though. Yeah. I get that though. When was the last time you had a Mars bar?

Oh, ages. Long time ago. I mean, I can't believe there's still a product. Are you going to have to go fun size from now on? I think I am fun size. You go duo and then that's already in the half. I disapprove of that. I think you go fun size man.

Fun size out the fridge at Mars Bar. They still do fun size or is it just a celebration straight up to the Mars Bar? Oh, that's a good point. I don't think they're allowed to call them fun size anymore. Maybe probably knowing this government. The bards at health and safety. Yeah, yeah I don't think they're allowed to call them fun size anymore. Maybe probably knowing what knowing this government health and safety. Yeah. Cause they're not fun. Cause they're not fun.

Cause they're destroying your health. I mean, the first time I was given a fun size Mars bar, I absolutely jipped some kids birthday party. This is last year. Yeah. My kind of humor. Those jokes are always funny, man. Yeah. Love that. Those jokes are always funny man. Yeah, really good.

Right, your dream drink then, we've touched that you wouldn't have a drink with a curry, but surely for your dream menu. Well I've already got sparkling water. We know that you love tea. No, yeah, so I'm going to have tea. Because I find it difficult to go a long period without tea. I've genuinely quite, I've got quite a worrying, not worrying because it's tea. Yeah. So I'm like fight your battles. Yeah. But I can get antsy if I know I haven't got access to tea. Yes. Now you don't drink alcohol anymore. No, but I didn't have that relation with alcohol. I

binged on alcohol. Yes. So I'm saying, did you, has the tea thing really kicked in since you stopped drinking alcohol? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember you being a big tea drinker. But now it's like, it's a bit like a relationship someone has with smoking, I suppose. I like the feeling of it, like the ritual of it. I think it's something for my hands to do. Yeah. Because when you used to drink beer, of course you had it warm with milk. So it's just the perfect... I know, it reminded me of the latte.

What brand teabag are you going for? Yorkshire PG Tips or Twining's. Just something that just... What you got in the cupboard now? We have got, well we haven't got it in the cupboard, we've got a lovely glass jar. So we've got, I don't know why that feels like a bit I'm doing, but I'm not. But we have a bag of tea. Light it down in the front. Yeah, it's not bad, is it?

Yeah, you suddenly might have a tea bit. Yeah, decanting your tea bags into a glass jar. Yeah, we do decant them into the glass jar so that no one knows that we've got a box in the cupboard yeah our dirty little sink but i might try that yeah it's pretty good it is good i used to have a bit didn't i about the tea bags also yeah yeah you did yeah anyway. Yeah. Sorry. Bring it back. Yeah. Halfway between. Halfway to your bin from the sink. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but, uh, so we have a glass jar, so it's PG tips or Yorkshire or whatever. It's, we're not wedded to a brand, but what I am wedded

to is, uh, I don't like it. I hate Starbucks tea. I think it's awful. Cause they've tried to do something with it. And I don't want anyone to try and do something with it. You just want normal tea. I just want normal tea. Because also I think that makes perfect sense. Cause if you're drinking like eight cups a day or whatever,

you just want it to be the same thing, very drinkable. You can just knock it back. Yeah. I do alternate on one thing. Oh yeah. Okay. I swing between milk and oat milk. Okay. Okay. Depending on mood.

Hang on, what's milky mood and what's oat milk mood? Well, there's various variables. Yeah. So here you've got minor figures. Minor figures makes me feel nauseous for some reason. I don't know what it is. But I can handle the silver oatly. I love a silver oatly. I got so into that, that I started taking oatly to my friend's

house because they had normal milk. I'm so glad you've got drinking man. But then someone got in my head about ultra processed foods and that oat milk is a processed food. So then I tried to weigh myself back onto milk and now I swing between the two depending on what I'm feeling more guilty about. The plight of the cow or ultra processed foods. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't basically with milk. If your kids are annoying you, you break up the dairy. That's your future. Then you throw it in the normal bin.

Yeah. It is weird with tea that everyone has a set way of doing it, but with other things you're allowed to vary it. Yeah. But it's the one thing where it's like, everyone has to do it in one, this is how I have my tea. Whereas if you said, I have the same dinner every day, that'd be weird. Yeah, that's true. I really respect that. I really respect that

some everyone has a way they have their tea. That's why they do it every single time. One of the things that really annoys me though is when people pretend to be really up in arms and passionate about stuff that really no one gives a fuck about or should give a fuck about. And the same basic arguments that get circulated around society that we're all meant to like care if there's pineapple on a pizza. Yeah, milking first. Milking first. I am absolutely sick and tired of people pretending that they are passionate about that and having

it and fucking going on a panel show or something. They're going, we're going to do this round where we bring up if you should have milking first, you should have milk in first, you should be fired from your job. You should not be. You shouldn't be allowed to format panel shows. Get out of it. I lost a point on Taskmaster.

It was throw a teabag in a cup. Yeah. And I made a large cup out of a wheelbarrow. Yeah. And a handle. That's great. Yeah, threw it in. And then Greg cost me the point. He said, I'm not doing it for the cup I'm doing, just put the milk in first. Yeah. And I had, yeah, throw it in. And then Greg cost me the point. He said, I'm not doing it for the cup. I'm doing it for the milking first. And then I heard James think this panel

show is not going to work. Well, luckily you still won. Yeah. You still won. I still beat Frank Skinner by a point. Yeah. The bean point. The bean point. The bean point. The bean point. The bean point. You counted your beans. I counted my beans.

But yeah, I don't care about milking first. I'm constantly dragged into the cream or jam debate. And I just don't. Yeah. Yeah. Gee, they've got to get over that. I mean, I just did a string of gigs in Truro, which I absolutely loved. I won't stop talking about it. However, the one thing that... Is it nice that? Yeah, I just did a string of gigs in Truro, which I absolutely loved. I won't stop talking about it.

However, the one thing that... Is it nice that? Yeah, absolutely loved it. But they would heckle every night about the Jamal Cream thing. And it was the one time I'd say to them, guys, you've, you have really got to move on with your lives. This can't still matter to you. Yeah.

I'm from Devon and I prefer cream above, which is the Cornish way. And that's fine. Yeah. Yeah also it makes no difference Who cares like the fact that they are still arguing about it? We're never gonna progress as a country if we're still stuck on that shit Do you know what that's how I felt when you were talking to Graham Cox about his taco We arrive at your dream dessert. Yes. Again, known you for a long time, not knowing you to be a massive pudding fan or have a sweet tooth really.

So I'm a bit concerned going into this that you're going to. I'm not going to go with cheese and biscuits. Okay. Fair enough. I'm going to go with lint balls. Yeah, that's so on brand. Huge respect. Yeah. And you know what? I know why you're going with lint balls. Absolute respect. So on brand. Huge respect. Yeah. And you know what? I know why you're going with lint balls. You're popping one in your mouth. You're having a sip of your tea and you're melting it in your mouth. I wasn't even doing that, but I would. Come on,

cup of tea and a lint ball. I love a lint ball. Lint balls are amazing. They're so good. Yeah. We only really get them at Christmas and it's the best bit of Christmas. If I'm allowed to broaden it slightly, I'd broaden it to Christmas chocolates. So that's your Limb balls. And I'd like some after eights in there as well. And I'd like some matchmakers as well. Any celebrations or heroes? Yeah. I'll have some celebrations as well. And maybe a Toblerone. Yeah. Right. Let's get into this. This is one of my favorite dessert courses. Yeah. This is this is really good. Absolutely going to be what it is. I want to quickly stick on limbo. Yes. Yes. Original or are you branching out into the other colors? I my favorite is the mix, but I don't like the dark ones. Right. Okay. I love the dark ones. Surely, uh, you're, you're better half. Yeah, she does. She loves the dark chocolate burns.

I love the, the, the white ones. loves the dark chocolate buttons. I love the white ones, my favorite. So sweet. I have seen, but I haven't tried that they've broadened it. Salty caramel. There's mint one, isn't there? And there's a strawberry one as well. I think there's like a coconut one maybe as well. Oh wow, I didn't know about that. Yeah, there's all kinds of limbo. I'm not interested in the coconut or strawberry, but the salty caramel one is good. It's good. The only person I know who regularly went through a phase of having limbo balls when it wasn't Christmas was Nish.

He'd buy a box every week. I'd enjoy, I would enjoy seeing a graph of the lint ball sales throughout the year. Oh yeah. That'd be nice. To confirm how badly it's going for them 11 months of the year. Easter, they're selling more. Gotta be. Because lint is bigger in Easter, right? Because of the bunny.

Yeah, there's Lindt. Yeah, no, sorry. Sorry, Lindt, that's what I mean. Lindt Bulls. Lindt Bulls. You're thinking of Lindt Bulls. It's just the wrapper. Because the bunny's big in Easter, right?

Oh yeah, the Lindt chocolate bunny. Yeah, so I think the whole brand probably gets a bit of a spike. Easter is the Christmas of chocolate. Yeah, he's crap. He's He's crap, but it's he says the Christmas of chocolate Josh. He's total crap Hey, yeah, they're here first. Why would you hate it? Because there's too much chocolate. Well, you decide that yeah But if you're doing an Easter egg hunt, which you've got it with a child Yeah, they've basically got chocolate for the next four weeks. So your house is full

of chocolate, which isn't ideal. And then it moves around. You never know what days it's on then. Yeah, it's not fixed. I think if anything, it's a more important festival. If I'd say dying coming back to life is more important than being born. It's more impressive, isn't it? More impressive. So I say Easter should be the better one. Yeah. It's disappointing for that reason.

Yeah. But they kind of know that if they make too big a deal of it, people are going to start asking questions. You've got to bury that too. Yeah. And also you came back to life, but let's focus on the fact that he was born. We can all agree on that. He was born, yeah. We can all agree on that one.

Definitely born. I just think it's a bit nothingy. I think the four-day bank holiday is a bit annoying. I hate bank holidays. You hate bank holidays? That's off-brand. Yeah. I say...

Don't you hate, because in our job, I never realized it's gonna be a bank holiday I don't get time off for it being a bank holiday So all that happens is I realized two weeks before that I'm working on a bank holiday. Yeah Yeah, good point. That's a shame. Yeah the matchmakers. I'm assuming they're gonna be mint. Yeah I don't mind the orange. Yeah, I'm on the orange They're definitely not the best bit. But if we're having all the Christmas chocolates. Yeah, they've got to be in there.

They've got to be there. I like them with their little kind of crunchy thing that goes on top of them. Oh, the little packaging thing. Yeah, so you open the lid and then there's like a kind of crunchy. It feels like you're opening a box of cigars or something. Yeah, I like that. That's like the good version of the, um, you know, the piece of paper you get on the top of the March. Yes. I hate that. Yeah. That's, that's gross. Oh, here's a question. Throw away. Yeah. Me too. Who's keeping that? Yeah. I mean, this might be the new cream and jam. Yeah. Yeah. Not been, I've been in people's houses before

and, oh yeah. And they've got my wife, my wife keeps it on the lower pack she'll open it and keep the foil thing on it it's like get rid of it there's the reason the lid's there you get it on greek yogurt as well now yeah just get a piece of paper not even attached to anything just just a floating piece of paper yeah disgusting and that's so hard to put in the bin if you're if you're not opening it over the bin you've then got to take a sopping wet piece of yogurt paper to the bin without it dripping totally agree you're always dripping yogurt everywhere if you're not opening it over the bin, you've then got to take a sopping wet piece of yogurt paper to the bin without it dripping. Totally agree. You're always dripping yogurt everywhere.

If you're enjoying this kind of chat, my tour is about 80 minutes. It's all this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you've got the after eights. I love an after eight. Toblerone. Toblerone. How big's the Toblerone?

It's 10 meters, 10 meters? Because they're going to struggle with that. That looked to be about a foot. It's about a foot, yeah. I'd say traditional foot Toblerone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like slightly novelty sized, but not one of the stupid ones. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't go stupid.

Original flavor Toblerone? Original flavor Toblerone. I loved it, and there was a brief period where like fruit and nut Toblerone. I really loved them. I think fruit and nut chocolate is crap. Oh man. This guy is... How many hot takes we had?

Yeah. This is crazy. He's not taking any prisoners today. Yeah. I don't like fruit and nut chocolate because I think my dad had it when I was a kid and he felt, I think in a field that it was a healthy option. Yeah. It's such a thing a dad would have. Don't touch my fruit and nut. That's my special chocolate.

Do you, this feels like another cream or jam, but do you leave the after eight envelopes in the box? Oh yeah. I don't. I get furious from people. Yeah, yeah, they're out. I'll pile them up and throw them away. You're like, oh great, go for it. Sometimes, especially when it gets towards the end or the end, there's none in there. Yeah. Oh, we've got some after-rates. No, it's all rubbish. It's all stuff that should be in the bin. What kind of psycho is doing that? Totally agree. But see, I care about that as real-world implications

I'm gonna read your menu back to you now. So you feel about it. Yeah, you would like sparkling water Yeah, big shot with first twist of the pod pile of 90s poppadoms If mainly the yogurt dip the other two there to entertain Start at two slices of toast sliced by your own hand butter and marmite on one marmal dip, the other two there to entertain them. Start at two slices of toast, sliced by your own hand, butter and marmite on one, marmalade on the other. Butter and marmite, right? Butter and marmite. Main course, Frank Manca pizza number five,

no anchovies, added chili and a side salad. Side dish of sardinia, drink, tea, dessert, Christmas chocolates. I mean, I love that dessert so much, Josh. And, um, look, I'll eat the rest of it. But I have two teas at specific moments, actually. Yeah, yeah. One where I sit down to get me through.

Yeah. And then another one with pudding. I think that's when I want my tea. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, whenever you want. If you feel like more. Yeah, yeah. We could put a tea tap. Just ask us. tea tap on the table I teach up tea tap

Though that gets rid of the ritual for you and I imagine you know I've spent Genuinely the last six years thinking about getting a hot water tap. Yeah. Yeah, and there's a fact There's a guy that installs hot water taps that lives across the road that parks his hot water tap van Outside my window and I see it when I close the curtains every night. Every day. I really should get one. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Josh. Oh, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Thank you, Josh. Finally, we did it. Finally. I'll give you Rob Beckett's number. There we are. That was everything I'd hoped for James. Really delivered. Didn't even get to talk to him about the goats cheese and caramelised onion tartlet, which he didn't pick. Yes, he didn't pick it. But I mean, not being able to wear big headphones because it makes

him sleepy because he sleeps under his duvet is probably, surely that's going to make the tabloids. Yeah. Josh Willicombe sleeps under his duvet. It's going to be, they don't even have to mess with that headline. Just state what he does. Everyone will read that article. No one will be surprised by it, but it'll be very funny to learn. I mean, he said at one point near the end that he draws the curtains before going to sleep. And I was like, what's the point? Yeah, what's the point? You're under the duvet, mate. Just sticking your nose and mouth out

so you can breathe. Of course, Josh is on tour from September, 2025. The show is called not my cup of tea. He claims to not have any tea material, but I think there may be, uh, maybe in the genesis of some tea material from our chat there, he's underestimating his own talents, but do keep an eye out for some tea material. And of course, uh, Josh does the hugely popular and successful podcast, parenting hell with Rob Beckett. Yeah.

Another person that we've taken for granted. Yeah, we have. Sorry, Rob. Yeah, sorry. He'll be on soon because he's on tour as well. So I'd imagine he'll come and flog some tickets. Just got a whole empire of podcasts.

Yes, he does. So like you listen to all the things that Josh puts out and go back and listen to all of his quickly Kevin episodes if you've not done that about 90s football. And watch The Last Leg. Watch The to all of his quickly Kevin episodes. If you've not done that about 90s football and watch the last leg, watch the last leg, of course. Yeah. Get yourself onto UK TV, a website and watch old episodes of hypothetical. All the old episodes of hypothetical me and Josh having a laugh.

Yeah. And me on most of them. Yeah. Yeah. You're quite a few episodes. We make you do some awful things. Yes. I made you do some awful things.

Yeah. Well, yeah, that would be very much your tactic. Yeah. Which we'd be thinking we'd stitched you up. Yeah. And then you go, okay, yep, I need James to do this with me. And I thought, oh, fuck, I've got a yes hand. That's because it's improv.

I go to touch Ed's bumhole again. That's the first time I did it. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu. We will see you again next time. Bye bye. Goodbye. It's Sarah and Cariad. Do you want to say your own name?

It's Sarah and Cariad from the Weirdos Book Club. We're very excited to announce our incredibly special guest for our live show as part of the London Literature Festival. We are going to be joined by the absolute megastar that is Dame Harriet Walter. You'll know her from Succession, Killing Eve, Ted Lasso and we are very lucky that she'll be there to discuss her new book. She speaks what Shakespeare's women might have said. Harriet Walter has reimagined what some of Shakespeare's women might have been secretly thinking and lets them actually speak their minds. We're so excited. It's on Saturday the 2nd of November and you can get tickets now from southbankcentre.co.uk

or plosive.co.uk. Join us.