Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 267: Danny Dyer

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Royal descendent Danny Dyer has a table booked at the Dream Restaurant this week, in what must be the sweariest Off Menu yet.Disclaimer: once again, we will not be sending anyone a signed chopping board.Danny Dyer stars in ‘Rivals’ which is available to stream from Friday 18 Oct on Disney+. Watch it here.Follow Danny on Instagram @officialdannydyer and Twitter @MrDDyerRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. You might remember us from when we were guests on Off Menu where I tried to find where I got seaweed mash and we had to call my mum. And I talked about how my mum was worried that I might drown in my own body. That's cool. That is cool. Well, we've started doing a new podcast called Single Ladies in Your Area

Because we're both single in our 30s And have found ourselves back on the dating scene Uh oh! And the landscape has changed So we're going to share our own dating stories and speak to experts and friends to help us answer questions like How do you set up the perfect dating profile? What is flirting? Do love spells work? We'll even share some of your dating horror stories.

So we all feel less alone. Listen to single ladies in your area every Friday, wherever you get your podcasts. Amy, I'm scared. Should we call our mums? I am Charlotte Casaragui, and in partnership with the House of Chanel, I present to you the Les Rencontres podcast.

As part of the Rendez-vous Littéraire at Rue Cambon, this podcast spotlights the birth of a female writer. You can listen to the various episodes and their authors on your preferred streaming platforms. reaching millions of engaged listeners who can only be accessed through Acast. From true crime to comedy, finance to fitness, your next customer's favorite podcast is an Acast show. Your audience is already here. Speak to them with Acast. Visit go.acast.com slash ads to get started today.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the bacon of conversation, the sausages of friendship the fried egg of great comedy and the black pudding of Love it's the podcast full English Ed's been at a music festival all weekend singing very loud So heavy metal songs that he loves sorry, so just so you know, please don't adjust your phones Please don't adjust your phone or headphones don't adjust your phones. Or headphones. Or headphones. Ed, if you can listen to podcasts on that is Ed's voice for this episode. Sorry. I'm, you know, it's unprofessional for me to turn up to a professional audio engagement

with a voice like this, but I think this might be my new voice now. Yeah. So get used to it. This is their gamble. Yeah. I mean, hopefully I don't have to do much talking on this episode. Hopefully. Who knows? Because listen, that's a gamble mine's James A. Cather. This is their gamble. Yeah. I mean, hopefully I don't have to do much talking on this episode Hopefully who knows cuz listen That's a gamble mine's James A. Caster together. We had a drink restaurant every single week

We invited a guest so we asked me a favor ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order And this week our guest is Danny Dyer The guy can talk I'm not gonna need to say anything am I and what a lovely voice as well What is it is much loved by the entire nation and beyond? Yes So people are gonna love listening to Danny Dyer and his food choices sure fantastic actor a national trash Absolutely, I think he's national treasure now Yeah, he's done so many things that people have loved over years that mean a lot to a lot of people easy in our hearts He's always on our minds East Enders

He's in our hearts. He's always on our minds. EastEnders Football Factory. We both love, Ed and I were talking before this about how much we love the film Severance. Love Severance that he's in. He was also Harold Pinter's final muse. Yes, Pinter loved him. Yeah, so like, you know, he kind of ticks all the boxes. He does. No matter what your taste in He kind of ticks all the boxes. He does no matter what your taste in Acting film TV plays Dyer's done it Dyer's done it to the top level. Yes speaking of doing it to the top level rivals Rivals the new Disney Plus show based on a Jilly Cooper book Danny is in rivals That is out right now on Disney Plus very exciting. We're talking about that as well. But here's the thing We all love Danny Dyer. He is a national treasurer.

But if he says the secret ingredient, an ingredient we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant. And this week the secret ingredient is Pigs feet. Pigs feet. Here's how we got to this. I like pigs feet by the way. I've eaten pigs feet. Of course you won't surprise any regular listeners that Ed likes pig's feet. Trotters. Yes. They are trotters. Yeah.

He's in Nice. He's in Nice with his trotters up. With his trotters up. Something that Danny said about David Cameron. Yes. After the Brexit referendum result. And listen, regardless of how you've, please put to one side how you voted. Okay?

Regardless of how you voted, you have to admit the fact that David Cameron called it on and then fucked off and just wash his hands of it was out of order. And when Danny Dyer said he's a niece with his drotters up, he spoke to the nation. Everyone agreed with Danny Dyer on that one. I don't think you can back any, you can't back Cameron. No. Whether you're a Brexiteer or a Remainer, or you abstained and didn't even vote,

you gotta think that Cameron was a knobhead for that. And also St. Trotters is funny. And look, St. Trotters is funny. But will they be on Danny's menu? I hope not, because I definitely want to talk to the guy for a long time. Yeah, well let's find out. This is the off-menu menu of Danny Dyer. Welcome Danny to the Dream Restaurant. Well thanks for having me. Welcome Danny Dyer to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time. Thank you. You used to do the big cheese, you know, because I'm working for Disney now. I'm a Disney star, so you know, because I'm working for Disney now, I'm a Disney star, so the elite. And so they demanded that if I could get on this, this was the one, you know, the off menu is the gaff to be, I suppose. So you've been strong armed into this by the Disney Corporation. Yes, bully, bully the two in a way. But, you know, if Disney are going to tell you what to do, you do. No, no, I'm honoured to be here, mate. This is an interesting little

podcast, this one. There's so many about, I heard the user the first. Yeah. You're up there. You know, you started the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ed is, Ed was proper. You were like around ground zero podcast. I was doing something very, very early. 2006 maybe. How did you know about this? This is mental to me. Yeah. Well, you know, you just got to, you've got to notice these trends and get in there early. Better version of radio. Better version of radio.

Exactly. And say what we like. It's crazy to think that we relied on radio for so long for audio entertainment. When you think about it. And now everyone swerves radio. You know, it gets blanked. Yeah. People just go to podcasts.

Well, it's good to know we're on Disney's radar. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they love you. That's great. And so are you, of course, because you're part of it now, as you say, you're in the elite. Rivals is coming out. Yes, Rivals is coming out, which is a job we did last year in Bristol, set in 1986. It's Jilly Cooper novel, arguably one of her best. And yeah, I'm part of a real ensemble cast. Like I said, elite people, David Tennant, you know, what a lovely geezer he is.

You know, you want him to be horrible, you know, because he's just perfect, this geezer. He's like a Rolls Royce of acting. Aidan Turner, another wonderful, brilliant actor. Alex Hassel, who slipped under my radar for many years, didn't have a clue he was. But I learnt a lot from him. Emily Atax in it, Katherine Parkinson, you know, great little Lisa McGillis. So I'm part of this elite little firm and it was a really beautiful job, yeah. What can you tell people about your character? I play a character called Freddy Jones, who is the richest one in it.

It's all about regional television and the rivalry within that. And they're all trying to get my money to invest. But I'm very, I'm still very much a working class guy. He's done well for himself. I'm sort of based a little bit around Alan Sugar sort of thing, in a sense of I've brought technology to the country in the eighties. I've got this great scene where I pull out, I'm in a nightclub and I pull out this karaoke machine and everyone's like, what the fuck is this? And I go, ladies and gentlemen, this

is karaoke. And then after, bang out a meatloaf number. Oh, that's my karaoke too. I do that out of hell. Yeah. But hell is a strong one. Yeah. He's in full every time. The last time he went to karaoke, which was pretty recently actually for Ed's wife's birthday, someone put in bat out of hell way too early in the evening and had Ed sing it. It was in the afternoon as well. Shattered. About 5.30 PM and I did the full eight minute. It's a long track, isn't it? Yeah. It's a good track. You got to commit. Yeah. Look, a long track, isn't it? It's a good track. You've got to commit. Yeah. Look, I always commit, but there's always that feeling about halfway

through where people think it's over now, but he's not even fallen off the bike yet. No, this is true. Yeah. I had the red handkerchief, you know, that used to dab his neck with a... So we've done a bit of that. And the thing about when you're shooting these things is that I've got playback in my ear, so I was actually singing it with no music. People have got to pretend that they're dancing so I think it was quite traumatic for a lot of people but I got through it. Do you think Disney will release that? Well, it's in the show.

They start off with me singing and then it does sort of fade into Meatloaf, he sort of takes over. But yeah, so he's a really interesting character. He's struggling with the classism sort of thing. His wife, Valerie, loves it. You know, so she likes hanging out with aristocrats and all that sort of stuff. And it's difficult because most of the characters in it are very unlikable. A bit like Succession.

But you can't stop watching them. So with Freddie, he's lovely. He's a teddy bear with a bite. You know what I mean? And also, you know, I speak a bit of Japanese in it, which is, which is, which is, it's just, it's worth tuning in just for that. And it took a long time to learn this little bit I've got, you know, cause I have to have a geyser on WhatsApp cause you get, it's all phonetics in it. You can't write it down. So I had to keep listening to it and I'm on the blow, I got the ump and all.

So I'm speaking Japanese with the ump. And that's an energy. Yeah. But I love it, man. It's a great thing. I had a moustache for six months, which I broke it to my kids and they cried. Obviously the school runs and stuff. And then interestingly, they grew to love it.

And then when I got rid of it, they were really upset. So I pulled it out of the bag and I had a bit of oil love it. And then when I got rid of it, they were really upset. So I pulled it out of the bag and I had a bit of oil on it, a bit of oil, you know, sort of brushing it and stuff. Little tash brush. Oh, that's nice. And it's always nice to know you can grow one. Yeah. I think that's why I've done it. I was going to say, you've gone for this sort of a...

Little soul patch thing as well. The musketeer vibe. Yeah, that's my wife's least favourite bit. Yeah, well, why? It sort of rounds you off nicely. Thank you very much. Yeah, it balances it. It does balance it. It's not just a tash. Yeah. So you go, he's got moustache, but it ain't just a tash, he's got more about it. It's a look. Yeah, yeah. It's a strong look. And when you've got a tash, is what I've noticed, you notice other people with tashes and you do the tash nod. Yeah, yeah. It's odd. But I think nowadays, I think the Tash is quite cool.

I think if you can grow a nice one, you can bowl around with it. You know, you look a bit edgy, you know what I mean? And also for me now, because I had a wig on and I had a moustache, it means I'm a versatile actor, even though I'm still a cockney. And I don't care what they say. You know, you look at me and go, okay, that's a different character. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, you can do cockney with a Tash. Cockney without a tash. You know, and it was all me own because other people, unfortunately couldn't grow them. I won't, I won't name them. And so that they had to have the stick on ones, which is a nightmare, you know, every time you smile, you know, one sticks up and you got to make up,

just constantly dabbing it down with glue was I was just bowling around with a nice shiny sort of oily tash, you know. Do you think the people with fake tashes do a fake tash nod? Yeah, I think they probably do, because they're in pain. It's quite a painful process. I mean, once I got my wig on, I did look a little bit like Bob Carroll, which I don't know, I mean, that's a throwback. Not ideal, really, Bob Carroll, although I'm sure he was a lovely geezer. You know, he had a nutty puppet. I mean, he did gobbled people and stuff. But good back in the day, you know, in the eighties, they loved all that, didn't they?

Are you much of a foodie, Danny? I eat a lot of shit, so I don't know much about food, but I realise I do eat a lot of shites and I always have. Don't know why, I don't know why that is. I just that you know I do eat a lot of shites and I always have don't know why I don't know why that is I just you know that quick fix of just flavor yeah you know that's the game I'm in really I can I can quite easily just just fly through a pack of you know them sort of the processed cheese yeah but the dairy Lee ones yeah you know so you know it's better than a triangle because it's all getting out of the triangle. Yeah. But you know, I can sit on me arm just opening them, just smashing them down, no bread, no crackers.

Like the slices. That slices, the Dairy Lee slices. Yeah, yeah. You know, I mean, the thing is, if you're sort of on your set, you just smothered with all the little wrappers around you, which is no good. And it's interesting, it was hot last night and I had a fan on, so every time I took the cheese out of its thing the wrappers were flying all over the gaff. Like Crystal Maze. It was a fucking mess.

Like Crystal Maze. So yeah, I do eat a lot of processed stuff, hence why I've got a pair of tits. I think that's it, isn't it? First time actor. I think that's the reason for tits in men. I think it's processed food. Processed cheese, straight from the tits. But you think if it's Dairy Lee, you know, he's had half a chance. I mean, it's better than the other.

Sort of just the Morrisons one, you know what I mean? Just the sort of really yeller-y one, you know what I mean? At least it's Dairy Lee. So in answer to your question, no, I'm not a foodie. I wish I was. I think as you get older in life, maybe you learn more about grub and it's all about the gut health in it now. I know about all that probiotic products, but you just can't be fucked at the moment. It's a science, isn't it? It's a science.

It sort of takes the joy out of food though, if you're thinking about the science. I think eventually I would like to maybe learn about the gut health more. I don't know when. Maybe like in between cheese slices, you can Google it and look up. You couldn't have a cheese slice, see? You know, because it all starts with a gut, so I can't imagine what my guts are going through. And I do apologise. So we always start with still or sparkling water, Danny.

Do you have a preference? Well, I'm going to go sparkling because I think you judge a preference? Well I'm gonna go sparkling because I think you judge people their wealth by you know water. How do you drink water in life? Yeah. You know there's people on this planet which is bollocks they have to walk two miles or fucking well. Yeah. It stinks of shit all right and have to drink that water and there's other people just you know glugging fucking you know sort of water out of a bottle and pinging it over their shoulder plastic fucking you know so sparkling water for me when I was a kid, the idea of Perrier water was so out of my reach in the 80s and that. It was like, fucking hell, if people can drink Perrier water, then they're Caico Baco, which means rich. So I always get quite excited

around it now because I can fold it and I can have it, you know, so, so I'd, I'd, yeah, and I quite like it, I quite like the taste of it, you know,, it's especially if it's chilled, you know, it's almost like I'm sitting there, you know, I can have a little glass, I feel like I'm in an important meeting somewhere, some sort of ballroom. Do you remember when you realised like you were Kako Bako? Quite recently, really, I think, you know, I think when I bought with Bentley. Yeah, that's a big, that's a big sign. Well, the thing about Bentley is you can't get them on finance. So they flew in to me, they obviously knew I had a few quid about me.

They said, I went to Bentley and I went down to Bentley, Tumbridge Wells, that's a fucking sign. And I went in there and they said, listen, we're going to borrow you this motor, Bentley Bentayga for a week. Fucking hell, I couldn't believe it. And they know what they're doing. I drove about in this motor, fucking unbelievable, it was massaging me and it had the little holes in the seat and I could press a button and it blows out all cold air and shit. And I knew I wasn't

going to be able to give it back and so I had to pay for it with cash. So I forgot. They knew exactly what you were doing. Well I had to explain it to my missus because obviously no one needs to spend that much on a car and so I made sure they put some tellies in the back with Netflix just so that it works for the kids. You know, long journeys, you know. And now I've got them, the kids just on their phones. Don't even watch it. Yeah.

Just bollocks. That's what I'm saying. Privileged kids. I brought up very privileged kids, you know. They don't realise they're fucking bold, my kids. Yeah. They walk everywhere, they'll get a bus. Yeah.

You know, so yeah. Door to door Bentley, my kids. So. They've got sparkling water on tap. Yeah. I would like to get one of them taps. I mean, Mrs. Won't have it again. I don't know why. You get them magic taps with

boiling water, cold water, fucking fizzy water. You think, fuck, how the fuck does it work? Yeah. It's impossible. So I might invest in one. I might send her away. You could get one in the Bentley. I could have one in the Bentley, couldn't I? I mean, that's caked. Yeah.

I mean, that's another level of caked there, innit? That's pretty great. But you want to make sure the tap's in a convenient place. You don't want that coming out the bottom of the seat. You can get one coming out the roof, just to sort of open you. You can just... Open your gullet there. Oh, yeah.

You've got a cop for that, you know. Just crack on with your day. Absolutely lovely. Do you want ice or lemon in the sparkling water? No, I think straight as it comes. I've never been a fan of lemon in my water, I've never understood it. I do like a bit of lemon, but it's like when people have lemon in their coke. It's fucking awful, isn't it? I mean, why? Why? Fucking hell, the piff starts coming out fucking about with it. So no, not for me. Straight, nice, nice cold, sparkling water. I mean,

it's a good way to start the day. If, if a pip comes loose in the slice of lemon, it winds me up. It really is. It's just like, I don't know what I've done. A straw started it, you know, putting lemon in it. They do that on a plane, you know, you're on a plane. You're off for a coke and they just chuck lemon in it. You are fucking hell. And then you got to drink it.

You know, you don't want to make a scene. Yeah. People start recognizing me on there. I want to have it with lemon in it. You know, makes me look a fucking idiot. So, so I'll just bang it down quick before the, you know, I'm going to have to make a scene. Yeah. People start recognizing me on there. I won't have it with lemon in it, it makes me look a fucking idiot. So I'll just bang it down quick before the pips can fucking make a break for it. Yeah.

Pupped oz or bread? Pupped oz or bread, daddy dire? Pupped oz or bread? Well, it's an odd one, because you never go in a restaurant, you don't get off of that, because obviously we're in some nutty gaff. Because I'm getting the option, I'm going to go poppadoms. You never go to an Indian restaurant and they go do you want bread instead? It ain't going to happen.

The same in a normal restaurant where you go, do you know what, you got any poppadoms? They'll just laugh at you. I do like the idea from poppadoms, especially the posh ones, you spin it all, the little thing around, the little silver bowls. So I quite like the poppadom. You know, they're a nutty, I mean, what is it? Yeah. What is it? What the fuck is it? It's interesting, I play a lot of football and if someone's shit

in goal, you call them poppadom hands because they can't catch the ball or save it, it just goes through their fucking hands. Yeah, yeah. Because they do, they disintegrate, didn't they? Yeah. So I think I'll get involved with a poppadom just because I can. Do you think that's a film you could pitch to Tim Burton? Is Edward Popadom Hands?

Edward Popadom Hands, yeah. I think he'd go for it. He'd make it sexy somewhere. It'd sort of work. But I do like it. I like the shit you put on them. The hot one is a right hot one. Like the pickle, like the lime pickle. You know, the rest of them is quite sweet. You know, lime thing and a bit of mango, which is always nice. Nice bit of onion. You know, some people put a bit of lettuce on it, which is fucking weird. You know what I mean? A bit of lettuce on a poppadom.

I mean, you know, there's nothing worse. I don't think I've seen something. That's weird. You get different kinds of salads, didn't you? Right. Yeah. So you get just straight onion and then they'll do one with a bit of tomato and sort of lettuce.

Yeah. You know, you don't fuck with that. There shouldn't be nowhere near a fucking papadom in my eyes. Agreed, agreed. Too heavy, too heavy the lettuce. Yeah. Put fucking lettuce on a papadom. I ordered some dirty fries recently.

Right, go on. And they dumped lettuce on it. On the dirty fries? On the fries. Not dirty at all. To make it feel. So there was like some cold bacon lardons, loads of mayonnaise, and then loads of lettuce.

Just lettuce. I was not happy. Oh, actually it wasn't your choice to put the lettuce on. No, I wanted the dirty fries. In my head, it's gonna have like cheese and, you know, hot bacon maybe. Cold bacon lardons, too much mayonnaise, like globbed on, and loads of lettuce.

A little quilt on it. Yeah, I didn't know what was going on. They'd like, you know, stirred it all in there. But I think you feel less shit about eating the dirty fries. Maybe. A little less. Because you had to eat the lettuce. So you go through the lettuce.

Through the lettuce. You need a nice bit. Yeah, yeah. And then you get into the filth. Yeah, yeah. OK. If you're ordering something called dirty fries, you're not there.

I'm not there to be clean. No. Are you a fan of spice when you say about the spicy dip? Do you like hot food? I do love hot food, yeah. I think I was brought up, my mother used to always get Indian, and she'd get him a dress. And she'd always save me a little bit on the plate when I was young. You know what I mean? So I got used to having hot food as a youngster. So now I've moved up now and I'm sort of a Vindaloo man. And I do love a Vindaloo. It's just something about it.

I mean, obviously, having a pony after. Because there's a myth that gives you the runs. It doesn't give you the runs, Indian food. It just makes your arsehole sting. The way it goes in is the same way it comes out. So that's fucking weird. So sometimes I have been known to, because there's a naughty Vindaloo near me, because they're all different sort of, you know, some are really spicy, some are not so bad. So sometimes you can put the cars you own in the fridge and just have it ready.

Just to get that first pony out of the way. You know it's coming, you've got to get it out of the way. And just dab that bottle, bottle and glasses ass. Yeah. Tentatively. Just get through it. It's worth it because I like to have it on a Saturday because it feels like a Saturday for me and especially after a few beers.

Do you always have the toilet roll in the fridge just in case you order a curry? There's been times. I think sometimes I'll just risk it and think fuck it. When it's a naughty one, I know it's coming so I will just. I've got a lot of fridges in me Gaffer, not because I'm caked. Yeah. I've got a few wine coolers and so I can stash

me carzy roll somewhere without anyone seeing it when I'm in the fridge. You've got a fridge just for your toilet. You don't want to leave your toilet roll next to the potato salad in the fridge. It's not really appetizing, is it? So, you know, just plop it downstairs in me little wine cooler and dab away.

But I love it. I do. I've always loved spicy food. My daughter's doing TikTok at the moment. I've got a middle child sonny. She wants me to do this hot chip challenge. Oh, don't do it. I said, what's it for me?

So she gets all the followers and likes and I'll just fucking bang in trouble. Yeah, we did it. And it's bad, isn't it? It's awful. It's only shaped like a Dorito, isn't it? It's a little even fucking hell. Surely I'll be sweet. It comes in a coffin shaped box? It's only shaped like a Dorito, isn't it? It's a little even fucking hell. Surely I'll be sweet. It comes in a coffin shaped box.

Yeah. It's dreadful. It's not so much the mouth. It's the stomach, isn't it? Again, it's the most painful thing I've ever done. Don't do it. I'm not fucking doing it. The people who, and I'm worried I even mentioned it because we mentioned it on the podcast once and then they contacted our agents, the people who made us do it, tricked us into doing it saying, can we release the footage now? And I'm like, no, we're still, so if you're listening, I'm still angry with you and think you're a bunch of pricks for tricking us into doing that shit.

Okay. So, so talking about obviously the, you know, the, the, the stingy ass, I can't imagine. It was instant as well. It was like my tongue was being chopped up with scissors. It was horrible. You walked, you tried to walk home, didn't you? Yeah, I tried to walk home. And ended up in the McDonald's toilet. Yeah, I had a shit in McDonald's. I'm starting to fix you walking and shit.

Oh my God. As I was walking home, I was like, I'm not going to make it. I was in a cab, holding onto the handle in the back of the cab to stop my body moving too much because every time we went over a speed bump, I thought I was just going to empty. Well, thank you boys boys I needed to hear this. Don't do it. Well I was nearly got, I love her. You know you love your kids you do stuff for them. You know you do you know like you jump in front of a bullet and all that bullet so I thought I'll do it for her you know because I'm not going to now.

No because it's nothing for me. You won't love her after you've eaten it. I know she's your daughter but after you've eaten it you won't love her. Don't eaten it. I know she's your daughter, but after you've eaten it, you won't love her. Don't do it. Yeah. Okay. Well, okay. Well, that level of, that level of hate is not for me. No, you like to get a little sweat on. A little sweat on. I just like the idea of that bit of sting in the mouth. You know, like I said, if you, you know, if you've had a few lagers up to this point, it goes, it's like a bab in it. It's not when you get a large Donner, you know, you can't eat them sober. They always worry about people eating Donners sober.

You know, it's fucking something to matter with them mentally. You know, you've got to be a bit pissed. It's wrong. You have the garlic sauce on it and the chili sauce and you know, a bit of red cabbage and all, you know, just, you know, and you just sort of munch it. It's the fucking best thing in the world. And then, you know, as soon as you've had it,

you know, you just instant regret, isn't it? And just that taste of whatever the fuck it is, donkey is it? I don't know what it is. It's hard to, you never know. Yeah. I mean, you look at the shape of it, you'd never know what it is. It could be just fucking anything. Yeah.

They're slicing it off in front. You know, Oh, look at that. That looks beautiful. And then of course, after you've had it, you think, what have I become? Who am I? You know, I was at a music festival this weekend and at this music festival I always get the bunny chow which is a South African thing which is a hollowed out loaf of bread and then they put chilli con carne in the middle of it.

Okay. But they get hot. There's hot 50-50 or mild and I always get the hot. You've got to go hot. You've got to. Straight down. A festival though. Is it a festival this guy?

I mean it's hot. Is it the Vindaloo hot? Is it a festival this guy? I mean, it's hot, it's Vindalua, is it? Yeah, it's proper like sweat on, sweat under the eyes, little buzz. No access to a proper toilet. No access to a proper toilet, but I've got like maybe eight hours until things really kick off. Yeah, usually you'd hope. You know, cause it takes a while, doesn't it? Yeah, so luckily staying in a hotel for this music festival. So the next morning I woke up in agony. Yeah.

But the beauty of it is instant relief. Straight to the toilet, feel amazing, have another one the next day. Nice little ankle clutcher. Yeah. Bum, bum, bum, Tatarovitch. I think the chilli should be hot and all. There's nothing worse than a shit chilli. Yeah. Yeah, what's that? It's mince, just mince. You know, like when you're filming and they're frightened to put spice in anything like that. You know, but like, you know, a shit chilli is pointless.

It needs some bollocks of chilli. Yeah. But that sounds lovely. I know I'd have a go on that. Yeah. And they put like a bit of sour cream on the top and then some of the bread that they've taken out of the loaf, they put garlic butter on it and toast it and stick it on to it. This is posh festival.

This is. It's heavy metal festival. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. Is it heavy metal festival? Is it heavy metal? Oh, okay, right, okay. I mean, you notice that most festivals people don't eat because drugs. Yeah. Let's get into your menu proper, Danny. You're a dream starter. I've never been a starter man.

Do you know what I mean? But I think the only time you have starters indoors is Christmas. You know, a lot of people go, oh, fuck me, we're going to have a starter. And you go, what? Prawn cocktail. Isn't it? And everyone fucking does it. It's mad that there's only one day of the year that you'd make the effort to make a

starter for everyone. So I do like a prawn cocktail. I do love it. I love that fucking Mary Rose sauce. A bit of lettuce involved in that as well. There is lettuce involved in that. Yeah, yeah. I've recently discovered paprika. So I'm in charge of the star. So I like to put a little

bit of paprika on it. It makes it look a bit posh. You know what I mean? How did you discover paprika? I can't remember now. I just, I think I bought it by accident. I went to the... What were you trying to say? You know, you're going to suit most loads, fucking hundreds of them. Fuck me. If you had them indoors, what would you do with all these spices? And I think I wanted to pick up chilli flakes and I picked up the paprika. So anyway, I went with it and I got the hot smoky one. So if you just put a little bit on top of your prawn cocktail, it just looks

to bollocks. So for the purpose of this gaff that we're in, the dream scenario, it would probably be like a lobster-y one. Chucks of fucking lobster. Maybe some little cherry tomatoes in the mix as well, you know. In a cocktail glass. That's the fucking one for me, I think. And I love all, I just, I love, I love all that bollocks. I just, I think it's the sauce that I love.

Yeah. You know, I'm quite partial to dipping a crab stick in that sauce as well. Lovely. We can put some crab sticks in there. Yeah, we'll put some crab sticks on the side. And again, issues with the rappers because, you know, you can imagine if it comes on the back of eating some Dairy Lee squares, you know, and then, and then crab sticks. I mean, the ass. And then the fan. And then the fan. And then the, and then, and then crab sticks. I mean, the ass.

And the fan. And the fan. Yeah, the fan song. I mean, fuck. How do you explain it to the Mrs? Your kids and stuff, you know, just sort of looking you up and down. They're disgusted with you. But yeah, you know, dipping a crab stick in some of that Mary Rose salt is a pleasant

experience for me. Yeah. I just imagine you're Bentley now, the passenger footwell just full of rappers. It's me, Bentley. I could do what I wanted there. Yeah. I suppose the crab stick, it's like, do you just dip it in or just strip it? Right.

Because what the fuck is it as well? Sure. Again. It's not crab. What is it? It's suspicious, isn't it? It's fucking, because it was called crab sticks and now they're not. They're called fish sticks.

Yeah. Because there's no crab in it, but is there fish? I was Googling it now, I think. I guess there has to be some fish in it for them to call it fish sticks. Yeah. Because there's no crab in it, but is there fish? I was Googling it now, I think. I guess there has to be some fish in it for them to call it fish. Got to be something. You know, it can't be just sticks. It's strips, isn't it? It's very, it's strips and they roll it. They roll it, but then, but then one side of it is pink, right? And which is how I go when I'm on holiday. I got turned into a fucking crab stick. I'm not good at the turning over

and shit. So you sort of lay there like that, you know, try and get your feet in the right place. Yeah. Because the trotters are always the last thing to burn. Sure. So, you know, you try and get all your fingers played, you know, try and get brown, but you forget to turn, didn't you? So many times I've turned into a crab stick on holiday. It's horrible.

It's like two men. You know, you look at me from the pink and if I was to turn around white as a sheep. Yeah. So you'd never recognize me from behind. You gotta learn to turn on that bed, you know what I mean? So, I've always loved them, crab sticks. I love all that sort of food that, you know, that whelks, I love a whelk. Yeah.

Again, it's, I can understand why people look at me and go, what the fucking hell is that, man? You know, like big old bogeys, isn't they? Just sitting in a bowl. You lace them with chili vinegar and white pepper. And you chew them, pray you don't get any grit, because it does sort of put you off the grit. Same with a cockle.

You know, if you crunch down a bit of grit in a cockle, it winds me up. You can't get it all out. You can't get all the grit out. So I love all that. I love seafood. I love a jelly deal. And I understand again with the idea of, you know, eating a jelly deal where you've got to suck around the spine and gobb the spine out. Yeah.

You know, that's the process really. So you have a separate pot for the spines. And you notice the old boys, you know, a good pie and mass shop is someone, an old boy in the corner with fucking old duffel coat on, you know, cap on, obviously a widow. He's in the same spot and you can see him sitting, you know, he's got no teeth. That's the thing, you need no teeth to eat him really. That's probably the one advantage of having no teeth, would be that you can suck round an eel and then gobb it into a fucking pot and crack on with your day. It's incredible to me, but I think when you have them as a youngster, it works for me. I don't know why. Yeah.

Do those places still exist? The pie mash shop? Yeah, no, yeah. I bought a house on the strength of, there was a pie mash shop in walking distance, which was a step up for me because I was living in a place called Custom House near Cunning Town and then I had a few quid, wasn't quite quaked. Yeah. And I moved out of the area in Essex. And basically when I drove to the viewing,

I saw the pie and mash, I thought, fuck it, I'm buying it. I'm not going to say the gaff yet, but the fact there's a pie and mash shop right there. And I remember moving in, there was all people outside sort of milling about going, fucking hell, what are you doing moving around here? Sort of questioning me, thinking I was a multimillionaire at that point, I wasn't. So it was a big step up for us, it was a big four bedroom house. We needed to get out of the manor.

And then I'd wake up some days and there'd be eggs, eggs thrown at me house, which is weird. So people sort of resenting me for moving around there, but if you're gonna chuck eggs at someone's house, surely you'd wait for their reaction. To just, so basically they throw eggs and then fuck off home. So I'd get up, look at me side of me gaff, fucking shell everywhere. And what's the point of that? Yeah.

And then, and then it started to get a little bit more naughty, you know, chucking sort of vodka bottles and shit. And I don't know what the fuck I've done by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it was me character in EastEnders they didn't like. Is that what it is? Yeah. It must have been.

So, so yeah, so we had, we had a little stretch around there for a little while. And then, and then I got a bit more caked and then we managed to go to a lovely place where we live now, which is lovely. They're throwing caviar at your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that sort of vibe, you know. Your dream main course, Danny? Well, I do love the Leg of Lamb. Yeah. And lambs are fucking cute.

Like, if you think about it, you'd never eat one if you saw one. You're like, oh, fucking, what a lovely little thing that is. Yeah. Innocence. Easter. I don't know, what's the fuck's lambs got to do with Easter? It's all about new life, innit? Yeah, spring. It's in spring as well. I don't know what, what's the fuck's lamb's got to do with Easter? It's all about new life, isn't it? Yeah, spring.

Easter. It's in spring as well. I guess that's birth. Spring lamb's the best lamb. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's all the, yeah, it's all the Christian stuff of new life. I love a bit of lamb, honestly.

I want a whole leg. I want that to myself. Yeah. Like my nanny, she'd do a leg of lamb and then she'd sort of chop it all off and then she'd throw me and me brother the bone at the end. And then we'd have to fight over this bone. You know, I have a cop for it first, got the best bit and all that. There's something about gnawing around a bone that I love. Yeah.

So I, and also the result in my cafe is that no one else eats lamb. It's a weird one because a lot of people don't like it. They're offended by lamb. Yeah. I just love it. And if I do a roast, I'll do a leg of lamb for me and a bit of chicken for everyone else. Which means on my plate, I've just got a fucking great big leg of lamb with sort of trimmings around it. So that will be the game I'm in.

It will be a leg of lamb and a roast dinner. Because I fucking love a roast. It's the only time we sit around the table as a family. Because again, I've gone back to having very privileged children. You know, they're fussy as fuck. You know what I mean? Like when I was a kid, you got, you know, they're fucking hot dogs with soup noodles

put down in front of me and I had to fucking eat it. My worst one was chicken Kiev. I couldn't stand the chicken Kiev. So I try and get as much in my mouth as possible. Go to the car, Zee. Pretend I'm having a piss and gob it out. But I had to eat it because I wouldn't get another dinner. That sounds cruel now, but back in the day it's like, no, there's your dinner, that's what you're going to eat. If you don't want it, fuck you.

Yeah. And so I- But you weren't eating it. Well, I had to eat some of it in front of them, didn't I? So you ate a bit of it and then- Swallowing it like that. Fuck it. Weirdly, I love a chicken Kiev now. Chicken Kiev's great. Yeah, but back in the day, I think the ones that my mother used to get was the ready meal

type one. You know what I mean? It was, you know, it wasn't a very pleasant, you know, it was, there was nothing coming out of it. You know, like the ones you see on an advert, they cut it open, it was just this lovely sort of garlic, you sort of fucking butter coming out. There was no dry as fuck. So I love a roast because we all sit around the table and blank each other.

But at least we've made the effort to sit around the table. Yeah. So I never, when I cook for the kids, they always have different things. So I can never really cook them the same thing, which is the beauty of an air fryer. You know, so I ain't got to fuck about putting two things in an oven. Yeah. You know, like my boy who loves them little frozen pizzas. If I was to make him one, like fresh,

he won't be going, I don't want it. I've got my fucking, I bought a pizza oven outside, it's cost me five grand. When you're not gonna eat it. No, I want the little frozen ones. He's going, fucking hell. What have I brought up here? What have I dragged up?

The tip to the little frozen ones is, you get your air fryer sort of squirt, you just squirt it on the top. Yeah. Just to give it a nice little bit of... What are you squirting in there? The oil. Right, okay.

A bit of oil on the top. Yeah. Just so it goes a little bit browner. Yeah. You know, so, because they're horrible, them frozen pieces. Like the Chicago Town ones. You can never get them right. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chicago Towns, all that. And then just these fucking bland fucking, especially the four cheese one that he likes. It's one cheese. There's no way in the fucking world there's four cheeses on it. So now and again, there's a katsu curry one which, fucking hell. But so it will have a pepperoni.

Sometimes it'll have a cheese and a pepperoni. Just to mix it up. And I'll just do some fries in here, fry, and that's him done. Chop up a bit of cucumber to make yourself feel better. Yeah. See him sort of gnaw around that because he won't really eat veggies and stuff. Yeah. My daughter, she's 17. She's a little bit more open with food. It has to be certain things, certain pastas. You know, like pasta is the same thing, isn't it? Not the nude

pasta. I'm talking about dried pasta. No matter what fucking shape it is, it tastes the fucking same, doesn't it? But it has to be, if I do a vodka pasta, it has to be the little farfelli, the dicky boas. And I'm sorry to say this, but it's that they're a cunt to get hold of. You know, like penne, sweet rigatoni, you can get hold of the Fuge Elite. Yeah, they're everywhere. All over the gaff. But the fucking Farfellie, it's got to be a certain gaff, you've got to get it. There's another one, the Shells, it begins with a C. Cong, Cong, yeah, I know, I know.

They're like little pockets of love now. You do them with a Bolognese, you know, it's a beautiful thing. They're great because they catch loads of sauce, right? Yeah, little pockets, it's just, you know, it's beautiful, but it's got to be farfetched. So I've done that for yesterday anyway. So for the rest of the week, I've got to try and come up with, I bought a fucking magnet for the fridge, a menu magnet. But what we're going to do is we're going to write down what you want to eat all week so I can get it all in order. No one's fucking gone near it at all.

They're not interested in it. So every morning I go, what do you want for dinner tonight? Just so I can get it in order. I don't know. I need a rough idea. Just because later when you're angry, because I've legally got a feature. There's a few things I've got to do until you're 18. Feature, get you about.

You basically just become a cabbie and a chef. That's the fucking two main things. The other thing is every time they turn the hot water tap on, it's got to be hot water. When it gets cold and radiators have to work, that's the other thing. And you've got to clove them. But when they're 18, that's it. They can fuck off. So up to that point, I need to know what the fuck do you want to eat? So, you know,

so it's always, it's like four different things. That's what it is. So, but so luckily by Friday, it's a takeaway. Just get away of it. So I don't know what's happening tonight. There's been no discussions when I left. So I know it's on me when I get home. What the fuck they're going to eat. It's going to be frozen. Oh, that's not in the fridge. Why didn't you get that? And because you didn't fucking tell me this morning. But I do love them. I love them very, very much. But if you haven't got kids, there's no rush. How are you roasting the lamb? Are you doing it like slow roast or just like... No, I whack it in there for about an hour and 20. A bit of lemon on it, a bit of pepper, a bit of salt. That's the game I'm in. Lovely. Very, very simple. Also it's good, the lamb juice with your taters,

because obviously you do different meats. But I always find that the lamb one sort of sticks to the tater more, because obviously you put the lamb in first and then a bit of ghost fat in a separate little sort of baking tray thing, put your taters in that, and then you whack that all in with a lamb,

and you just get all that filth all over it, all that lamb blood. Amazing. I want to pick it up with my hand and I don't want to fuck about with neither of them fault. I want to smash into that. Yeah. You know, sort of dripping down my chin. Full Henry VIII sort of. Yeah. Well, hey, don't do Henry VIII references when you're done. Well, obviously, he did iron out my 15 times great grandfather. Yeah. Mad, that, innit? It is mad. Fucking mental, that one.

I mean, I couldn't give a fuck about King Edward III, to be honest. It was Cromwell who had done me. Because I'd never seen Wolf Hall. And there's another one coming out, which I'm very excited. This year, the second half of it, obviously leading up to him getting his nut chopped off. And also Mark Rylance, who played him, someone I worked with many moons ago, someone I very much look up to. But I think Destiny, I must play Thomas Cromwell at some point.

I mean, I'd be devastated if I don't get to play him. But you know, just a kid out of Putney, you know, he rose through the ranks, you know, he fucked off to Florence, as you do, you know, in the sort of 16th century, learned loads of languages, became a lawyer, came back, became his best mate. Yes, there were some issues around the church and that sort of stuff, but I got some really horrible messages actually off some people digging me out for what Cromwell had done. But his last thing that he did, and I've said this before, it's why I love him, is that I wouldn't be here if before he had his nut off, he made sure his son Gregory, my 14 times great grandfather,

married Elizabeth Seymour, my nan, sister of Jane, because Henry loved Jane, I mean that was his old matricle, right? So he didn't kill Gregory, because obviously it would have upset Jane and that, because Elizabeth might have had the ump, because obviously it would have upset Jane and that because Elizabeth might have you know, had the ump because obviously, you know It was a fella. Yeah, so he made sure that his son survived by marrying him off to Elizabeth And then they had a child and then they had a child and then fuck me 15 generations later Yeah, so it's clever, wasn't it? It's mad. Very clever. But more emotional when I watch it, you know, because fuck me that was me granddad Yeah, it's what if you've done it yet It's mad. Very clever. But more emotional when I watch it. You know, because fuck me that was me granddad. Yeah.

Have any of you two done it yet? No. Oh no. I found Josh Whittaker did it. He was related to Henry VIII. Yeah. Oh, well actually Henry VIII. Yeah.

Fuck it. He's done me then, isn't he? Well, you two can go. I don't think as many people went crazy after the episode. Why not? People were still pretty wild. I can't believe Josh Whittaker was related to Henry VIII, but I think there was maybe... He's quite fair like him, I suppose. If he tried to grow some stubble, it'd be ginger.

Henry VIII was a busy boy, right? So you must have a lot of relations. The fact that these professors after... Because I was the first one to be sort of related to King Edward III. And then these professors all came out and started going, well, actually, everyone's related to King Edward III, so I don't know what you're getting excited about. Fucking hell, jizz! Shitting on me parade. I thought, well, hold on a minute.

If I'm in series 18, why the fuck there's no one else but at the... Oh, well, it's just because it's, you know, the one thing that's slightly impressive is that you've got a direct line you know there's no they haven't got to fill in any gaps I thought fucking cheers yeah you know me one great achievement yeah was they're going nowhere everyone's every so so we're all basically we're all fucking each other's cousins we're all cousins we're all related yeah I just thought I'd break it to you all you know because because if that's what they're saying yeah don't they check though don break it to you all. Because if that's what they're saying. Don't they check though? Who do you think you are to check that you've got an exciting family?

Yes, before they have you on. They like it, whether you've got a profile or whatever. And they go, oh, we've got to do one on you. They go, have you got the information? And you go to your mum and then she brings out a couple of old fucking photos from the 60s. And you go back to them and go, well, you know, I think we're related to a family called the Buttervants or the Boutervants who were French. That's all you know. And then they fuck off. You know, nothing for fucking six months.

And then they come back and go, and I know a couple of people who they come back and went, oh, sorry, listen, we're not going to do it. And you go, oh, fucking hell, no compensation. I go, no, no, we're just not going to, we're not going to do one on you. That's my fear. Yeah, no, sorry, you're lovely to meet you. Or like in my case, they come back shaking as an energy and they're like, fuck, what's going on here? Like they go, we're going to start filming in about three weeks. And what we're going to do is we'll pick you up on Tuesday at eight o'clock in the morning. You go, this is fucking mad. Because the thing

about that job is you don't know what you're doing. You know you do a job and you go, I'll get picked up. You learn your lines. You know where you're going. Yeah. In that job, you don't even know where you're fucking going in the morning. Yeah. So you know where you're going, where the cab's taking you, who you're meeting.

It's really hard to sort of like get up for it. At the time I was on a lot of diety, Pam, I was going through a mad stage. So I was a bit numbed, but I, you know, I was thrilled. And the other thing that fucked me off was that, you know, we won a BAFTA, was the first one to win a BAFTA, Fly App. And I, you know, got up there and they'd done the speech. It was a bit weird. My family.

And then, and then you go behind the stage, you know, you feel, oh, I'm going to get me BAFTA. And they all got one but me. What? And I stood there like a fucking plum. I thought there's a few on the table. So, and then, so they go four out, one to the producer, one to the director,

one to someone else who I'd never even fucking met. What? I thought, where's my fucking? The runner, the runner got one. Yeah, but I didn't wanna, again, I didn't wanna kick off, you know, look like a prick, cause, you know, cause I would have looked like, well, where's my BAF off, you know, like a prick cause, you know, cause I would have looked like, well, it's my Bafta, you know, storming around.

Sure. Throwing your lemon everywhere. But there's bollocks, like fucking, so, you know, I thought we should even just get one for that. You know what I mean? That's nice to have him. It's crazy. It's not like for a job, like an acting job or anything, you know, that's the dream,

but just to have one would have been nice. So yeah, unfortunately I didn't fucking get one. They might have been worried you'd cut the head off the BAFTA. Yeah. Yeah, well, yeah. And I just found that fascinating that my bloodline, Yeah, got them that BAFTA. my great-granddad spunk, and I don't get no BAFTA.

More than 125,000 podcasts trust Acast to connect them with their audience. Your brand can speak to your perfect audience too, by advertising with Acast to connect them with their audience. Your brand can speak to your perfect audience too by advertising with Acast. We're home to the biggest names in podcasting, reaching millions of engaged listeners who can only be accessed through Acast. From true crime to comedy, finance to fitness, your, so a side dish is a weird one, isn't it? Because what is a side dish? It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not.

It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not.

It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It a side dish is a weird one, isn't it?

Because what is a side dish? It's what you're having on your plate, is it? But it's not. It comes in a little, like a half moon plate, doesn't it, maybe I'm thinking. But I like curry sauce and chips. Lovely. There's something about it, I don't know what. I mean, it's got to be the right chips, you know, it needs to be a chip shop chip.

Like, you can't have curry sauce on fries. No. It just doesn't fucking work. I don't know why. So it's got to be them nice chip shop chips. And I would leave it down to you to how much curry sauce you're going to put on it. Okay. Do you want the curry sauce over the top? Yes. And ideally with a plastic folk, not the little wooden ones, emboligy little ones, you know, they're not quite a folk. I don't know what the fuck they are. You know, they've got that weird little, I don't know what they are. Yeah, yeah, chip forks, yeah.

Chip forks? Yeah. So I want a plastic folk, or not plastic, because obviously the planet, innit? Yeah. They'll be doing paper folk soon, you watch, that won't fucking last. The same as the straws, still bollocks. Yeah. Don't give us fucking paper straws when you're still selling bottles of water and plastic

for, I don't get it, vapes now. Yeah. So okay, what we do is we'll give you a paper straw that when you're still selling bottles of water and plastic farts. I don't get it. Vapes now. So, okay, what we do is we'll give you a paper straw that's going to last a bit. You've got to drink that drink fucking lively because that's fucking going to disintegrate. But yeah, you can go and buy fucking fruity vapes. And then you go with something that's just the maths, don't add up. But so, okay, let's go for a paper fucking folk.

And to be fair, I would like the chips to be drowning in the curry sauce. You got it. It goes back to when I was young and, you know, having a Chinese as a youngster, when I'd be out with my mates and I'd have a bit of money in my pocket and I'd go to the takeaway. You know, we're fucking about, you know, what we're doing, you know, robbing parcel force vans and no, I'm joking. But you know, you have a break from it all and then you go to the Chinese, you get the little tin, you get a special fried rice in there, chips, vinegar all over it and then curry sauce

on it and you just bowl around on a council estate eating that. That's the fucking one. That is. Yeah. I mean, there's something about it and that curry sauce has never changed the taste of it. Yeah. I mean, there's something about it and that curry sauce has never changed the taste of it. So I love it. I love it. And I think as a side dish after munching on a leg of lamb, I mean, I won't be able to fucking move after. They go really nicely together. I love the idea of a leg of lamb and some chip shop chips with curry sauce. Dipping a bit of the lamb in the curry sauce as well. Oh, there you go. Yeah. That means I'd have to maybe take a chunk off of my fingers of the lamb instead of eating it like, not immediately, because it's a bit of a taker. Maybe I could make it just sort of roll it in it, you know, and then smash it down. This is a good idea, but I might have a go on this when I'm indoors on my own.

Yeah. You can write it on the menu, on the fridge menu for yourself. Ah, I could do it for myself, couldn't I? You can write it there and. Go there you go. Kids busy in their self and judging me on it. And I don't, you know, there's something you got to eat on your own. You're sitting in your pants. You know what I mean? I'm a fan of it.

Was there a fish and chip shop or a chip shop growing up that was like the best one that you always went to that you had to did the best chips? Uh, it was one near me now called Wilson's, which is a good one. Yeah. But back in the day, uh, yeah, you called Wilson's, which is a good one. But back in the day, you had Jade House, which was the one that was down the main road where everyone would sort of hang out, go up Jade House. Interestingly that Chinese used to come in little bags.

That's how long ago, it was little white bags. And you can pick the fucker up because it was so hot. So Jade House was the one. And then there was also another one called EastEnders Kebabs, which was weird, you know, I used to go in there a lot, and then I know I'd be in it, EastEnders, later on. I'm glad I ended up in the soap and not the shop, you know. Some people can't have a work experience,

but I believe Jadaas is gone now, but I do believe that EastEnders Kebab Shop is still there. Is the font on the sign the same as the EastEnders? I think they've tried that. I mean, that was a loud copyright, so... With the little Thames thing running through it. And certain lines that you delivered in EastEnders and then you hear the drum doof doof in your head afterwards. I would find it impossible. Yeah. It's always a weird thing that because it's a myth, I think, that you actually get the scripts and you flick to the back because you want the doof doof. Yeah.

And there's a record or something, someone's done the most of them, but you don't want it because it's horrible. It's awkward. You have to hold a gaze for about eight seconds and it's the same gaze. You know, slightly constipated or... Because what is this, a cliffhanger? So it's the faces, what the fuck's gonna happen? And I remember I got, I had a whole week, I got banged up in prison and I had to go on holiday, see. So I have to sort of work it into the thing,

but basically I got set up. So if someone shot theirself and blamed it on me yeah and then put my fingers on the gun yeah and so in prison I was having a bad time there was a daddy on the wing and all that well my coach you know he wanted a prick he could have it off yeah yeah obviously he didn't want to get no head because he wanted to get out so at the end of every ep and I'd fall on the spin was me getting either bullied or something had happened and it was the same face again so you get exposed yeah You can't mix it up. It's got to be, and they're adamant about this, what the fuck is going to happen tomorrow? And so, you know, it is a face of, I can't quite do it now, but it's a flare of the nostril because you're sort of thinking,

you're trying to, but you hold it for too long because the camera, next time you watch it, it sort of tracks into you. That's when you know it's a doofdoof. I always know when I'm watching it that, oh this is a doofdoof. I can see the camera on the move. And it never cuts to the other character who's talking to them, just broke the bad news. So it's on your boat, it's on your boat, it's on your boat. It's on your boat. You got to hold it. Got to hold it. And then the doof doofs kick in. So I would always dread them. I got a few in me time. Interestingly, I got one laugh in one and I never done it again. It didn't work. Yeah. I laughed on the doof doof because it was surely breaking it to Phil that I was her brother. And so, and weirdly, I laugh when she introduces me as her brother. I don't know why. She goes,

Phil, this is my brother Mick. And I go, and then you got to carry the laugh on. They never did it again. We did one jolly Christmas once as well. And they never did that again. Because no one wants it. No one wants it. It's not a Christmas. No. Extenders. Yeah. And we did a jolly up once. Kathy was around the piano singing, what was it? It was the Morgman Wires song. What is it? The famous song they did. Bring Me Sunshine. Oh, lovely. And they ended this show like that. No one wants to watch EastEnders and they're having a better time than they are at Christmas. You're right. So it didn't work. It was all singing around the old Joanna. People must have thought it was the final episode of EastEnd End. It felt like it was.

No durf-durf, they're singing Bring Me Sunshine, it's panning away. Hold on a second, if it's over. It would have been a good way to end it. Are you a dream drink, Danny? Well, it's got to be lager because I just love it. I love lager, I love it so much. I've got to get it at the right temperature as well. There's a little garage around the corner from here, a petrol garage. I mean,

it's a shithole this garage, but the fridge he's got. It's the perfect fucking temperature for beer. I can't... The amount of fridges you've got and your perfect temperature is in the garage around the corner. No, because I can't get my fridges to this... It needs to be broke. So this fridge, I mean it's like naught or one. I can only get mine to go down to three, which is bollocks, it's always cold. So what I have to do is I have to quickly get it out, zap it in the freezer, the beer, in me gaff. Because I had one the other day and I was sitting in me garden on me jack. I've just had a big renovation job

and I've not had a garden in nearly two years, it's been fucking horrendous. Anyway, I've got a garden, I've plotted it out and I've got my beer fucking perfect. I poured it in a lovely glass. You know, you just sort of hold it up and I've got a good head on it. The thing about it was out of a can, it was a Stella, it was a Euregela, which I like to call them. So anyway, I was holding it up and just looking at it and just think this is just, and the head, you know, because I poured it out of a can, the head doesn't last long. Yeah. So you got to get that first few gulps, you know, and it was just fucking perfect. Very refreshing. Mm-hmm.

So I do love an ice cold lager. Yeah. You know, the thing about getting on the piss rhythm is, it's only like the first two or three that taste nice. After that, it gets a bit... It's filling you up. It's just, yeah, you can see your tits growing in your belly and you're like, oh, fucking hell, I've committed now.

The thing is, by point eight, I don't know if I used to, you're fucking all over the gaff. Yeah, it's not good. It's not good. But once I start, what's the rule? Is it, you can't have wine before beer or beer before wine? So to mix, if you commit to beer, you've got to stay on the beer, ain't you? But preferably in a beer garden as well, you know, is what you'd want. Lager is the only beer that fills that need. There's no other beer where it's like a hot day and you want to be perfect. It just looks perfect.

It looks perfect. And I just think to wash down grub as well. And I don't mind wine and that now and again, you know, I must say, again, it's about how cold that white wine is. It's something about, you know, you pour it in that glass. When you go to a white posh restaurant, you know, you're in a posh cafe by the sort of condensation on the glass. You know, you can sort of wipe it and it's like, ah, fucking hell. That's all I take notes of with whining. I don't understand all that, that okay, a bit okay they say, some of them, good nose. That's the other take notes of with wine and all. I don't understand all that. Okay, a bit okay, they say some of them. Good knows.

That's the other way. People sticking their fucking oot right in it and all that fucking hell. Who are these people? I do that. Do you? Yeah, I'd love to. Do you understand it? I don't think I fully understand it, but I'm interested in it.

So I do the, I swell the glass and give it a sniff and then you you, and then you pull the glass back and then you can tell how much alcohol's in it by the legs. He knows the fucking name. The legs on it. Uh, it's something about it. Wine as well. I do like it. I do like red and all. Would you have cold red wine or no? It's good. Yeah. Some, some, some red wines are really nice. Cold. Yeah. Yeah. But there's some that wine boats will be like, how dare you things like, you know, like Spanish red wines and things like that. I was behind you in a queue at a bar once. I was not directly behind you, but I had to give up and come back because you had ordered

everyone who was standing at the bar shots shots. Oh, okay. Classic. It was the interval, went to the O2 to watch someone. They comped kind of everyone down the front. So pretty much the front section was all comps and people that I recognised from different things. And then there was this little bar for all those people. So in the interval, went there, and I think you were like, right, come on, shots for all these people, let's do it. And I had to come back because it was taking quite a while for all the shots to get served to all the people at the front of the bar.

But I respected it. I think it was free. So I'm giving it a big end. Yeah. Yeah. You were giving it the big end. It was your idea. What sort of lager do you want? What particular lager? Well, like I said, I do like Estella. I like a strong lager. I feel like the first two get you on a nice vibe. It's a tipsy, jolly. When you get beyond that, it gets messy.

But I like Estella. It's interesting, every birthday I get bought beer from her. Beers from the world. But it'll only still be Stella and Carlsberg. Things like, you know, they're not really beers from the world. They're just out of any fridge that you go to in any offie. They're all made in the UK. They're all made in the UK. Shout out Northampton. Yeah, I will try any... I do like...

Someone bought me a banana stout once. Oh yeah? It was fucking horrific. But, it was 16%. Wow. Yeah. Banana? And I don't know what it was, I just couldn't work out.

It was like, only a hint of banana in it really. It was thick black. Yeah. You know, but I got rid of it. I've got, I've committed now. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I was off to be fucking that afterwards. I got rid of it quick and it really, I thought, fuck it, you can't be 17%, it's more than a bottle of wine. It was only a can. So never again. I mean, I will try things.

I've tried those things every time. We get like a box of stuff where it's like different beers and there's one like that's 15% or whatever. I'm like, that's interesting. I have a go on that and then two sips and you're like straight down the sink. Yeah, I can't bring myself to do that. It's like pouring Marmite down the sink. It's just like so thick.

It's thick, yeah. If it was 2%, yeah, you're like, I ding it. Because it's a naughty thing that's never really been made before, you go, well, I've got to fucking drink this. But why Nana? You know, why would you get involved with the Nana side of it? That was wrong. That was you know, so a lot trying shit like anywhere I go really I will try any sort of beer Well, I don't mind craft owls and all I'll try a bit of that, you know, the warmer ones

The ones who know Fizzingham confused me and all you know, they go down easy, you know, the warmer ones, the ones with no fizz in them confuse me and all these. They go down easier though. But it is always confusing when, if you're used to drinking lager and stuff like that, when you have a sip of that and your mouth's ready for the fizz. It's just weird when it's warm flat. There's no head on it either and you're a bit like, but I will try, I will try a shit. Listen, I will eat fucking anything and I will drink anything other than pesto and couscous. So my worst nightmare is pesto flavored couscous. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, yeah. That would be awful.

What do you not like about pesto and couscous? I think I like all the things that make pesto, which is some sort of nut. What is it? Pine nuts. Pine nuts, parsley. Basil. Basil, basil. Garlic in there? A bit of garlic, a bit of oil.

And cheese, parmesan cheese. Which is, I love all them things, but I don't like it together. Basil. Basil. Basil. A bit of garlic. A bit of oil. And cheese. Parmesan cheese. I love all them things, but I don't like it together. Sure. I think I had a shit risotto once and I'll tell you where it was. It was the Almeida theatre. And yeah, I ate it and this is awful. And so I've never been able to go, I'll probably be all right of it now, actually. And couscous, it's like a mouthful of air. It's got no substance texture. I just don't like it. I don't like the look of it. It's just something about it. It's just, the fuck is it? It's not rice, is it? It's not pasta. It's not taters. It's just, I don't know, it's little balls of just fucking nothingness. And I just think, I just

think, no, not for me. Not for me. It goes really well with lamb, I find. Yeah, actually, to be fair. it does go really well with delicious food. Well, if someone had done it, I mean, I'd have a mouthful, you know, I'd respect, but there's no way in the world I'd go out of my way for fucking couscous. No. So other than that, I would eat fucking anything. And I've tried everything, you know, I've chewed a spunk. That was a revelation to me. In Sicily, it's a, you know, like,

what's the word, Like a delicacy. Delicacy. But it is just tuna spunk. And it looks like brain as well. So there's not very, sorry to bang on that. And, all right. It's all right. Yeah. Bet and the pesto. It was all right. Yeah, bet and the pesto. Yeah.

More than 125,000 podcasts trust Acast to connect them with their audience. Your brand can speak to your perfect audience too by advertising with Acast. We're home to the biggest names in podcasting, reaching millions of engaged listeners who can only be accessed through Acast. From true crime to comedy, finance to fitness, your next customer's favorite podcast is an Acast show. Your audience is already here. Speak to them with ACAST. Visit go.acast.com slash ads to get started today.

We arrive at your dream dessert, Danny. Well. Chinaspunk? Yeah, maybe. Bit of sugar on it, man. Well, I've gone for something, again, going back to my youth, because I think food's a lot to do with nostalgia. And it would have to be a wimpy's knickerbocker glory. Lovely. Something that I could never, ever attain as a child. And you know, on the rare occasions that my mother, you know, single parent, I get it,

we was allowed in wimpy. And we felt posh because you get a fucking, it wasn't like McDonald's, you got a plate and a fucking knife and fork in there. We'd only be able to have a burger and chips if we were lucky or just a burger. But I would look at people in there that had got the knickerbocker glory and thought, fucking hell, what a life you lead. I mean, I can't imagine, you know, I bet they were being driven in Bentleys. So it was- It was aspirational again, like the sparkling water in a way. Yeah, it is. So, and a big fuck off thing, you know, just so many ingredients. It just

looks so appealing and just, just so lovely. And so I think the idea of being allowed, I have as many as I want now. I haven't been in Wimpy in ages and there's one near me in Loughton. Is there still, I didn't, I didn't know there was still going. The, the, the I and the M doesn't work on the light, which is always a worry in it. They've been in Wimpy and Ager and there's one near me in Loudoun. I didn't know there was still going. The I and the M doesn't work on the light, which is always a worry in it. They've not replaced the bulbs in there. You can tell it's hanging on for fucking dear life, it's Wimpy. But it's still about, but there's a bus stop just outside it as well. So that means when I go in, there's going to be people that are going to recognise me. That's Ag

watching me through the window eating my knickerbocker glory on me own. So do you go in there? I've had to deliver room from there. But I feel like I should go in there. Because they still look the same, don't they? They've still got the bollocky little bonkette bits. It's something about a wimpy. I think I do a fucking good chip.

Better than McDonald's chips now. You have to buy salt now, don't you, with your McDonald's chips? Because you go, no, no, no, we'll look after you. We know, so we won't put any salt, but you can have six sachets if you want. And just stand on the McDonald's vibe, that Mega Mac, I mean, fucking hell yeah. Talking through the Mega Mac. Yeah, I'm not wearing the Mega Mac. I think it's three Big Macs at once.

Now usually when I get a McDonald's, I like to get a burger starter, then a Big Mac meal. You know, just a regular one. I won't go crackers. And maybe six nuggets. And if I fancy it, a nice apple pie. Because you need to let the apple pie sit, then you're full big. Because this is a fucking tall. It's hot.

So I will start with a burger. Like a cheeseburger. Just like Jack. You know, I just like pick it up and smell the bun. It still smells the same from the 80s. So I have had just because I just have got the Mega Mac. Yes. But I won't, it also comes with a slice of bacon if you want it. So I refuse the bacon. Okay. You know, got to look after your heart. So what I'm saying is, if I get the Mega Mac meal, I won't start with a burger. Okay. Because then I'm eating sort of seven burgers at once.

Which is frightening if you think about it. So I'll just go straight Mega Mac large meal. Just a simple Mega Mac. And it does work. It's, if you're into that sauce, because that, sauce, because that Big Mac sauce is a fucking thing. And during lockdown, I tried to make one, because we all had a birthday in lockdown, didn't we? We were fucking depressed,

and sort of birthday where you cry. And my child had her 13th. Bless us a big'un. And all we was allowed to do was walk through the woods. Not today. So I tried to make her a Big Mac, and I fucked it up, because I just couldn't get the buns. You can't get the buns anywhere.

So I was chopping up buns, I couldn't, you know, because there's buns within the buns and all that sort of stuff. But the sauce, which I Googled, I made it and then I, but I didn't, I didn't read it to the end. You got to leave it in the fridge for two hours and then it tastes like the sauce. What the fuck? So whatever, whatever you're doing, it needs to sort of stew a bit. And so I learned.

So anyway, I asked Barlux, it's fine anyway. But then I did it again just because I needed to see. And then after I'd left it in the fridge to her's, it was Big Mac sauce. Amazing. Anyway, she was so depressed that day, that poor kid. I saw her trying to get through this fucking old thing that I'd made her.

So I was a bit down and all, because I hadn't pulled it out of the bag. And then we got an old Colin the Caterpillar, because that's all you could get. Made that yourself? Yeah. No, no, I fucking... Look, the fucking caterpillar's crying. ...with Matt Morrison. You know, it was just one of those... We all had it. We all experienced it. Yeah, for sure.

You know, just that, you know, and so I did try. I tried to be a good dad that day. She still reminds me of it and stuff, but... yeah, I think, I think for me, McDonald's was open though, right? No, no, there was a thing when it, when it, when it, when it was allowed to be opened again, it was all open, everyone crackers. But then you go, oh, what a touch. And then you go to the drive-through and it'd be three miles long. Yeah. Yeah, sure. And you go, should we sit in it? Yeah, no, actually it's worth it. We will sit in this car for three hours. Yeah.

You know what I mean? And then you go and spend, because I'm caked, you quit on McDonald's. Just get every burger, just get 18 fries. You're ordering it for the whole team. Well, you've sat there for three fucking hours, didn't you? But I remember it was a finger come out and you're like, oh, McDonald's is going to be open. It doesn't matter that the world's dying, McDonald's is finally fucking open. So Wimpy really is a class year affair, but that knickerbockuckle glory in there and, you know, talking like this quite openly and frankly about it makes me want to slip in

there to see if they still have it. They also used to do a banana split that came in a dish that was shaped like a nana, you know, but bananas. And that was fascinating to me. I was never going to be able to go, that must have been the most expensive thing on the fucking thing. And I think they cut it in half and now I see see that they'd put ice cream on it and then cream. And then the cream on the top.

Yeah. Again, me just looking at the other kids, you know, like fucking Oliver Twist. Yeah. I had a good shoulder by the way, not digging my mother out, but we were skinned and you know, you just. Banana splits man. So great. It's a bad munch that, isn't it?

Yeah. But not a split. The first time I've had a banana split, I was there with my cousins, I remember that, and didn't know a banana split was a thing. We all ordered them and they were humongous. Yeah, huge. Yeah. I've never had one like it since.

All the ones, but like this one had like multiple bananas either side. Oh wow. They were like, you know when the adults, when you're a kid and the adults go, you're not gonna finish that. Yeah. And then you do and you're polishing off other people's.'re polished off of other people's. Yeah, it was so good

Wow, that's that that man with that meal. It's a chocolate sauce that sort of like yeah. I loved it. Filth in it Yeah, but there's there's some sort of nourishment in there a bit of potassium in there. Yeah, it's potassium They can't get you on that. That's what I'm saying. That's fruit. It's one of your five a day So I'm assuming there's something good in that knickerbuckle glory somewhere So so yeah, I think I'll just finish off my meal with a fucking knickerbuckle glory. Do they bring it with a long spoon? Yeah. I love the long spoon.

Big, big naughty. Got to get to the bottom. It's the only thing that that long spoon's used for. It must be. Yeah. It must be. You know what I mean? It's rare to get through it. I mean, there's a lot of fucking, and you want to because you look at the bottom of it and the bottom is probably the best. So there's sort of like fudge in the bottom.

Sort of like, and as you're fucking about with it, you're mixing it all together. But you're just so fucked by the time you get there. You just, you know, you need to give it to someone else, unfortunately. On a region menu back to you now, Danny, so how do you feel about it? Go on then. back to you now Danny, say you feel about it. Going in. You would like chilled sparkling water. You would like poppadoms with all the dips, no salad. Start at a prawn cocktail with some crab sticks to dip in the marinated sauce. And lobster in the prawn cocktail. Add some lobster in the prawn cocktail. Classy. Main course, a whole leg of roast lamb with all the trimmings.

Side dish, chip shop chips with curry sauce and a paper fork. Drink you would like an ice cold lager from the garage around the corner. D the corner dessert you would like a wimpy knickerbocker glory I mean that's smiling yeah it's give me a lazy lob on just you reading that back to me that's all we want for our guests so you seem genuinely happy here in that back which is good that's a good day yeah you know I mean so I'm happy with that yeah do you want to enjoy that meal with your family around the table, everyone ignoring each other? No, no. So my ideal environment in this restaurant would be, and I know this is odd, sitting in front of a telly. And I'll tell you what I like to watch. I like to watch, I have a

Nigel Slater, Tom Kerridge, he's got a, I like watching people, like fucking James Martin fucking about in France. You know, like fucking James Martin fucking about in France. You know, like the preparing of food and you know, like there's something in that for me. Like I like watching these shows. I think Jamie Oliver did one with about air fryers. You know, eating grub while watching him fucking about with an air fryer. It really appetised me.

But then, weirdly, when I've at it, I turn it off quick. It's like when you're watching porn. And as soon as you've shot your bolt, you think, oh, that's disgusting. You're sort of disgusted within yourself. You've got to never watch that again. It's that moment after the last mouthful's gone, I go, get this shit off. So that would, I ideally would like to go get this shit off. You know, so, so that would, I, I dearly would like to go to this restaurant on my own in front of a nice little telly. Yeah. A bit of a, what's his name? A bit of Keith Floyd on. Yeah. He's the ultimate. He was good when he hit me. You know, fucking hell, you know, he was pissed up while he was doing it. Yeah. Yeah. A bottle of wine. Yeah. Fucking about, you know, so yeah, that's, that's my way.

You know, I do like doing that. Lovely. I don't want to watch like Killing Eve. I want to watch people preparing fucking food. And as soon as we can do it for you in the Dream Restaurant, where as soon as you've swallowed the last mouthful, the tally just goes off. It just goes off. Yeah, yeah. And preferably puts a bit of point. Yeah, sure. And then you can feel disgusted by yourself in another way.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream restaurant, Danny. God bless you both. Thank you, Danny. Fantastic. Fantastic menu. Genuinely, one of the happiest I've seen someone look when we've read their menu back to them. Delighted. And I think we got a lot more than we bargained for so many details about Danny's life Yeah, absolutely love that episode crucially with my ropey voice. Mm-hmm. Didn't have to say a lot didn't have to say much

I mean, you know if people are wondering if Ed was edited out Because he kept chiming in with controversial opinions that did not happen Didn't happen didn't didn't need to say anything. You basically just says what do you want next? Yeah, I said dream dessert dream starter not in that order But like that's all I had to do. Thank you so much Danny for making our job easy fantastic episode Don't forget to watch rivals on Disney Plus that is out now go watch it sounds brilliant I mean he didn't say pigs feet and say pigs feet didn't mention trotters He's used the word trotters on holiday as well

Yeah, and just for the listener just so you know We I think we were both poised to bring up the David Cameron thing after he said that but by the time there was a gap He had moved on to a whole other topic entirely. I thought it's gonna be ridiculous Yeah, if I say to look you know earlier on you said you're on holiday with your trotters up Yes, isn't that a bit like when you said David Cameron went on holiday had his trotters up Yeah, I was like this is it's irrelevant now. Yeah, so we left it, but he may have mentioned trotters, but they weren't on his menu So also I do want to make that clear to people someone can mention secret ingredient Yes, as long as it's not on their menu, then

we don't kick them out. People are still confused over this. Yeah. So I mean, you know, Ed is on the socials and poor guy. I've abandoned him on now. Leave him on their high and dry on his own. He gets all of the shit. Actually Benito gets most of it, I think. And long may that continue. But Ed gets more than he deserves. Don't forget to message Bonito saying I would like a signed chopping board I'll have to send you one. Yes say message Bonito and say dear great Bonito if a guest says the secret ingredient but doesn't put it on their menu that means they are still allowed to stay in the restaurant I have understood the

rule please may I have a signed chopping board? Benito's cutting all this. Why would he do it? It's funny. And don't forget, of course, I am back out on tour doing Hot Niggity Dog Yes! Going all over the place from the end of September right through to the end of November including a big show at the London Palladium on November 23rd So come along to that and if you want to come and see me film a new special I will be in Salford at the Salford Lowry doing two nights in January Come along and watch me do that. It's gonna be a sort of mix between this show and the last show

Few extra bits thrown in I'm very excited about it come along if you want to be part of comedy history And listen that special stuff because I don't know if people are aware, but very few comics just do back to back, one year after the other, two completely different shows, both amazing shows, both hilarious. This guy is going to take the best of each of those, put them in one special and film it in one of the country's best venues. You got to get to that. I'm excited for you, Ed.

Thank you, James. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Mini Podcast. We will see you again next week. Bye bye. Goodbye. Every listener feels like their favorite podcast is speaking just to them. If you're a marketer, your brand's message can do the same. With podcasts ranking number one against all other media for good use of time, good for

learning and mentally engaging, podcast ads are proven to be one of the most effective marketing channels. Have your brand heard everywhere with Acast. Our podcasts are available on all apps and the only way to reach their listeners is through Acast. Visit go.acast.com slash ads to get started today. It's Sarah and Cariad. Do you want to say your own name?

It's Sarah and Cariad. Do you want to say your own name? It's Sarah and Cariad from the Weirdos Book Club and we're very excited to announce our incredibly special guest for our live show as part of the London Literature Festival. We are going to be joined by the absolute megastar that is Dame Harriet Walter. You'll know her from Succession, Killing Eve, Ted Lasso and we are very lucky that she'll be there to discuss her new book. She speaks what Shakespeare's women might have said. Harriet Walter has reimagined what some of Shakespeare's women might have been secretly thinking and lets them actually speak their minds. We're so excited. It's on Saturday the 2nd of November and you can get tickets now from

southbankcentre.co.uk or plosive.co.uk. Join us.