Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 278: John Kearns (Tasting Menu)

Episode Date: February 12, 2025

In an Off Menu first, we invite a previous guest back to the Dream Restaurant. But they’re not choosing their meal – they’re being served another guest’s choices. This is the first Tasting Menu episode with fan favourite, John Kearns.John Kearns’s special ‘The Varnishing Days’ is available to watch now on NOW. Watch it here.John stars in Adam Riches and John Kearns ARE ‘Ball & Boe’ at Soho Theatre in London. Get tickets here.Sign up to John’s mailing list at www.johnkearnscomedy.co.uk/mailing-listOff Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, or is it James? Now, some listeners already will have like, they'll be walking along listening to us on their headphones and they've already stumbled and tripped up because they're like, hold on a second. Why isn't Ed doing one of his brilliant well thought through introduction? Where's the brilliant well thought through introduction? Now the reason is, is cause listen, we've got loads of formats knocking around in our heads. Oh boy.

We're format machines. And, uh, often we thought how would we be able to get some fan favorites on the podcast so they can, so they can experience it all again and learn more about these wonderful guests that have just been on it once isn't it unfair? Yes, that because of our format. We only give everyone one dream meal Well, we've decided that we're gonna bring people back but it's never starting the same questions again. They're gonna have a meal Tasting menu style. Yes tasting menu style, but they'll be eating the dream meal of another previous guest. Yes. We're not quite sure what we're calling this format yet. Off menu switcheroo. Yeah. Off menu jumbled up. You know, like when you're a kid, you got, you both got your packed lunches and you trade. I don't know what that's called. Off

menu. You know, when you're a kid and you've got your packed lunches and you trade Yeah, could be called that. Yeah, but either way that's what we're doing and you can't stop us. Yes, we're doing it So this is the first one we've recorded of these I'd imagine what will happen is they'll be released sporadically Yeah, as you know, they're not gonna be every week because we've still got the main podcast There's still plenty of people we want to talk to. Yeah, we're spoiled for choice. We're spoiled for choice So these will just drop in and again, a little treat into your podcast app. Yeah. And we are very excited to have a returning guest, of course. A returning guest. Everyone loved his first episode and now he returns. It's John Kearns. John Kearns. Look,

we know John Kearns. We love John Kearns. he's an amazing comedian, he's done Taskmaster, he's done plenty of other things. He has got a special available on Sky called The Varnishing Days, so make sure you go and watch that. What an amazing show. I mean it's one of the best shows I've ever seen. Yeah, fantastic, flawless. Flawless, but that does not mean we respect John and I'm sure we will bully him. Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, we're definitely going to bully him. And we're going to be feeding John the menu of

Miriam Margulies Yes, John will be receiving the menu of Miriam. Yes I just like the four of them together even though she's not gonna be there Yes, and it'll be interesting to hear John's reaction to her menu Yeah, you know, this is this is not so much the dream restaurant as they're going to an actual restaurant They're still having a dream meal, but it's not someone else's dream. It's not their dream. It's so, you know, that's what a taste of menu is essentially.

It's someone else's idea of a dream meal and you don't get a say in it and they're serving it to you. And obviously because of that, no secret ingredient. No, because it's all predetermined. It was originally a stick of rock when Miriam came on it. That was the secret ingredient. If she mentioned rock, I guess if John says this is all delicious do you mind if i add a stick of rock to it then we will chuck him out but i can't foresee that happening yeah can't see that you have my word listeners

we will do it if he says that but of all the people we thought of to do the first little go of this type of format John was top of our list he's a a good sport. He's a good sport. So how we can even introduce this bit James? This is all very exciting isn't it? Yes this is not the off-menu menu of John Kearns. Welcome John back to the dream restaurant. Thanks for having me back. Hello again John! Is that the new catchphrase is it? Yeah, had to be. I thought as I was about to do it, oh, I haven't settled on anything here.

Like, you know, normally I know what I'm saying when I've burst out the lamp, but I guess for these ones it's going to be hello again and then their name. Hello again. On first name terms as well. The first year originally when they're on it for the first time, I said their full name, welcome John Kearns, the dream restaurant, but like now it's hello again. John. Hello again, John.

So when I left you, you, you went back in the lamp. Yeah. Yeah. And I hate to break it to you. He has popped out the lamp lamp for some other people since. You know, you weren't the only ever episode of off menu, right? Well, it's the one I've heard. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fair. Did you listen back? No. That should be the question we ask every guest who comes back on. Did you listen back to it? I don't know what order this is going out in or when it's going to go out, but I mean, it should be fairly obvious now. This is our first time attempting the new format. Who listens back?

Sorry? Who listens back? Well James doesn't, I tell you that much. Imagine you're on the train right? Yeah. And someone spots one of you two and they look at your phone and you're listening to off-menu. That's the nightmare. Yeah. Imagine. Do you listen back? If it's been like a year since we recorded it and I really enjoyed it I'll listen back yeah. But I'll do it in the privacy of my own home locked in my toilets and my wife can't see. But she can hear. Oh, you got headphones on. Yeah. I got headphones, man. We're doing all right now. I'm playing out the speakers in the toilet.

Do you not have headphones? You can have the door open if you had it on speakers. She'd still know what was going on in there. Yeah. Come on, John, get real. I didn't grow up with any locks on the bathrooms or toilets in my house. Right. Really? Why? Did none of them work or was it just, they were removed in your parents' toilet? There weren't any locks.

No locks at all. So how did you? You just put your feet at the door, base of the door. Well hang on. So you'd still have the door shut, you'd be putting your feet on the door. Of course I'd have the door. Yeah, the door's shut, but like... I thought you were saying you grew up in like a very free household where... Can't know. I'm just saying there's no locks in case you just...

But why were you having a... I don't think there are any locks in any door. Yeah, front, back. Front door, back door. Yeah, locks. Yeah. No locks on other doors. To keep the bannies out. Windows? Yeah, windows are locked. Yeah. Yeahs. No locks on other doors. Keep the bannies out.

Windows? Yeah, windows are locked. Yeah. I mean, you had windows. Anything external, but like inside the house. No locks. But then why were you having to push your foot? I mean, surely everyone in the house knows there's no locks.

You don't know if someone's in there though. Yeah, so you knock. Yeah. I would get you pretty accustomed to knocking and not just opening any closed door where someone could be having a shit. Knowing that I'm... But there's any closed door where someone could be having a shit. No, in the- But there's only one door where that's happening. Not any closed door.

So what, are you, in your bedroom, do you have your feet on the door keeping it shut? How small were the rooms in your house? Were they all built so you could, small enough to put your feet on the door? The toilet, yeah. You could put your feet on the door. Yeah, like main bathroom? No. You're kind of just staring at it open for the best. But you are staring at it so that if they do come in, you're looking right at them.

Yeah, it was small enough where you'd know if someone had come in. Can't think of a room where you wouldn't know if someone had walked in. Did you ever do sock on the door handle? Sock on the door handle. Let him figure door handle? Sock on the door handle. Let him figure out. Sock on the door handle. Right. I'm just picturing like a video game, me walking up the door with a sock on the door. Right. Yeah. I think I know what's going on in there. Okay. Yeah. I'm not walking in. No. Yeah. If you see a sock on the door handle. Is there only one person in there? Well, yeah, I guess so. Talking about your bathroom in your childhood home. I'm not saying if you saw a sock in the door handle, you'd be like, Oh, my parents are banging. That's what it usually means. I feel people put a sock on the handle of their, you know, bedroom door or whatever. It means they're getting down to it. You're telling your parents that.

Huh? What do you mean? Is that a symbol for your parents? I don't think people like do it when they're living at home. Yeah. So their parents know not to commit. I mean, maybe some people have that. This isn't a thing.

What? This isn't a thing. This is in movies. Neither of you have done it. I haven't done it. I don't know anyone who's put their stuff on the... No, I understand. Also, I don't have many, there weren't many door knobs in the house.

Hang on, no door knobs? Or locks? Yeah, what's going on? A door, a flat door. You don't put a door knob on every door. I think you do. In a house. Yeah, you're working in a... Then how are you even shutting the door? Is there no latch on it at all? It's just a bit of wood. It's not a bit of wood, no, it's not a bit of wood. I knew you were going to say a bit of wood. Because in your head it's a bit of wood. You think, I bet you're even going to... Beaded, one of the beaded curtains. I know

how it works, you two are going to say it's like cat flaps or saloon doors. James would probably say saloon doors. No, I wasn't going to say that. In your house with no locks, saloon doors for the bathroom would be perfect. Yeah. You'd see my feet and my head, that's fine, you don't know what's going on in the middle. Yeah. Saloon doors, you don't know what's going on in the middle. Yeah. You can let them do that thing. Actually saloon doors in toilets is fine. Yeah? Yeah. You'd be fine with that? In Japan they don't have, the idea was that they'd build the toilet with the most beautiful view from the house and there were no doors.

Well, it's your second time on the Off Menu podcast and the second time you've started a sentence with in Japan. What do you mean? Oh, what? Ghosts... No, you didn't listen back. Ghosts don't have feet in Japan. Is that what we talked about before?

No. We talked about low light, I believe. Low light, yeah, yeah. This is all from the same book, actually. I'm wondering where it's from. You didn't talk about the fact that ghosts don't have feet in Japan. They don't. The Japanese cartoon. We talked about low light, I believe. Low light, yeah, yeah. This is all from the same book, actually.

You're talking about the fact that ghosts don't have feet in Japan. They don't. In Japanese cartoons, ghosts don't have feet. Traditionally, that's where that comes from. What do you mean by that? Because I can't... If you draw a ghost, I doubt he has feet. Right, yeah, but that's not just Japanese ghosts.

So that's why they have saloon doors and toilets. Is that what you're saying? There's no saloon doors in Japanese toilets. But is the ghost thing anything to do with the... No, that's because we challenged it on Japan. I know three things about Japanese culture. Yeah. Low lights in restaurants. Japanese ghosts don't have feet. And traditionally toilets were built with no doors facing the most beautiful view that they could get in the house.

Right. So when we bring guests back on the Off Menu podcast, John, what we want to do is a tasting menu for them. Right. So it's one of these restaurants where there's no menu. You don't have a choice. There's a menu, but you don't choose from it. It's a set menu So there is a menu. Yes set menu. So taste in menu What do you mean? Well, what you don't need a menu you're a problem with this already I'm just saying you don't need a menu. Do you just sit there and it's brought to you? Yeah, like Mitchell is a guy in North Wales. You must know this guy in North Wales Gareth Ward is Is it him?

Innershire. Three stars? Yep, two. Two? Well then, are you talking about the same person then at this point? Is it him? Is it? Gareth.

Yeah, so different, babe. Near Mac. It's got to be him. He's near Mac. Yeah, man. Yeah, I've never been, I'm going in September. Yeah, you know that guy, you know the guy on social media who's got like... I'm talking to a granddaddy.

If you can't take a mate, take a date. The other way around, I don't know whatever he is. He went there. You know this guy? No. Tell me about this guy, John. He's... He goes around, you must know the guy. John, you've got to give us details about him before we say if we know him or not. He's a guy who reviews food, he's a guy who reviews food and his catchphrase... The guy who takes the table and sits outside... Not him.

No. Again, different person. The guy who walks around with a table and sits outside restrooms. Sits outside takeaways. That's cool. Yeah, he's from Bolton. Yeah. I like him. Yeah, he's quite funny actually. This guy, he's quite young. That's cool. Yeah. He's from Bolton. Yeah. I like him. Yeah. He's quite funny actually

This guy is quite young. He's hip. Hmm. Well, if you've not heard of him, then what's the point? Well, you can tell us about him The conversation in your mind was going do you know this guy we go yes, and then we'd move on you know this guy, we go yes and then we'd move on. I'm just saying the guy, he goes around posh restaurants and he goes anywhere, doesn't have any posh and he just raves about it and his catchphrase at the end of it is, if you can't take a date, take a mate. And he went to the restaurant in North Wales that is two star Michelin and it was a tasting menu. A bit like where I am now.

Yeah. Oh, so this is what you mean. So that's what that prompted. Okay. So like, but I think they still have menus in those places. Right. I didn't know that. Cause you can look at them. Yeah. You can look at them and go. They might not get to you until the end sometimes. Yeah. Really? So you can see what you've had. Oh, I like that. You take it home. Take it home. Yeah.

Yeah. Frame it maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Some people do that. If it's a great thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get the chef to sign it home. Frame it maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Some people do that. If it's a great deal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get the chef to sign it maybe. That's good. Yeah. Nice. Nice. How do you know how much something is? Well, I guess it's like when you book it, it's like a set price. Yeah. And also that they will say sometimes like we do like a six course, an eight course, a 12 course. This is how much they all are. This is how much

the wine pairing is. We should ask that. Yeah. So you, you got to know you like it before you go in. Well, I guess that goes, goes for all restaurants, right? Are you proud of yourself? You feel good about that? What? You must feel good about saying that to me. You must feel happy. I feel happy. You must feel like you got me. I definitely got

you there. I'm not denying you didn't get me there. You're scorched earth mate. But I'm scorched earth. It's just my shoes. I'm like the witch, where's it all gone? You won't need those shoes where you're going guys. No, no, no. No, I'm happy for you. It can be a clip maybe, I don't know. Because you're English though. It could be a clip. Will you have legs when you're a ghost though? Well when you picture like Henry VIII as a ghost, he's got feet.

So yeah, probably. Yeah. Don't know. If I visit Japan as a ghost, maybe they're off. I don't know how it works. Border control taken. Customs. Yeah.

It's like a bowling alley. You don't have to take your shoes off when you go through security at least. Yeah. That's nice. Makes it easier. That's nice. That's like, I don't know, I'm on the ropes early. You started on the ropes, let's face it. Ever since you were born. Yeah, you're always on the ropes, John.

You can't come out swinging. It's quite fun to be on the ropes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because then the person gets cocky. Yeah. You're starving. Round one, you start on the ropes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause then the person gets cocky. Yeah. You start on the ropes. Are you rope-adaping me? Is that what's happening? The tasting menu that we're going to be serving you today is the menu of another guest who came onto the podcast. Now I wondered whether you were going to do this. Yeah. I wondered whether you tell me or if I had to guess. Is that a thing? Well, I'll tell you what, do you want to just guess now? The worst option out of both of them.

Yeah. Actually you've added a third one that's rubbish. Yeah. John? Ainsley Harriot? Nope. Two more guesses. Ryland.

No, these are good guesses though. They've all been guessed so far. Yeah. Yeah. Shows that maybe someone does listen back more than they say they do. What am I thinking? I'm just thinking, what am I basing it on? Whose dinner would we most like to serve to you and think that that would be entertaining?

Monyachua. No, but that's a good guess. We should have done Monyas. Yeah. Yeah. Because he knows Monyas. Yeah. Yeah, that would have been good. Too late to switch it to Monyas, probably.

Yeah. Yeah. That would have been good. Too late to switch it to Munya. Probably. Yeah. Miriam Margulies. Okay. Are you familiar with the work of Miriam Margulies? Yeah. Thoughts? I liked recently, uh, did you see she was on Ramesh's show on Radio 2? No. Did you see it?

Oh, I did see that actually. Yeah. Did you see that? No, go on. Tell me about it. He just told her he was a comedian. And she stops him and she's like, are you? Did you see it? No, didn't see it. And he's like, yeah, yeah.

She's gobsmacked. She just can't believe he's a comedian. And she's staring at him like, yeah, okay. Ramesh is pretty famous for being a comedian. Pretty successful. That's why he's on the radio. I don't know who she thinks. I saw a clip with her on Loose Women. She's got flatmates. She's got a lodger. She's got lodgers.

She had a lodger when she was on this. Also, when she was on Loose Women, so I saw that episode, well, I think she's on it quite a bit. Oh, is she? But I saw an episode of Loose Women where she starts off by eating a raw onion because they've asked her to do it because they heard in another interview she'd done, not naming the interview that she eats raw onion. That's us. Yeah. This has started to happen, John. The amount of content we've provided for light entertainment, ITV shows without being credited. Yeah. They just go, okay, enough menu. They said this, let's get them to do that. They made Timothy Spall's two, two bad cup of tea on this morning.

Yeah. Someone in the ITV offices listens to this podcast on the regular and writes down ideas and they chuck them in their shows. You better believe Good Morning Britain are doing a thing about Japanese guys having no feet next week. Yeah. You watch it, they're going to absolutely eviscerate. Come on.

Am I on Good Morning Britain? Or they just, what, they pluck ideas? Oh, no, I'm saying that. Now, we've heard, I've watched Good Morning Britain, but maybe they get people to text in about it. What are your opinion on this? Japanese feet have no ghosts. Japanese feet have no ghosts.

I suppose that's technically true. It's a weird way around of saying it. It's true. I suppose that's technically true, there's a weird way around it. Yeah, well, I like her. I like her vibe. You know, growing up she was, well, she's interesting. She was the, you know, Graham Norton. She's the crazy one.

Graham sits her next to an A-lister. And the A-lister doesn't know who she is. And they cannot believe the filth. Like she jumps out of a tree and gives someone a blowjob. That's like a staple. I don't remember the tree. Yeah, she jumps out of a tree. She talked about blowjobs on this. And then when we ran with that, which we try and do Jon, when we're interviewing someone. Where you go?

We try and be like, okay there they're going down this road We'll go down with them for the we're trying to be good hosts So we tried to make blowjob jokes off the back of that and she was like now watch it. That's rude Filthy did she you boys are filthy? Yeah, you boys are filthy. We're not here for filth and we go Okay, and then we'd stop and then she'd do another joke. That's even worse Yeah, even more great about being fucked up the ass or something. Yeah, she played you like a violin Yeah, she absolutely played us. That's what she does Yeah, so the idea that she should I've never seen her shot it down. She's a contrarian as well So it's like she did but she doesn't want to she wants to be the old one out

She wants to be the crazy person next to the A-lister. She doesn't want to be so when she's on her own I think if everyone else on Graham Norton went, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna jump out of a tree and give people a blowjob. She would be like, no, that's just rude. Yeah. No, come on everybody. We're all better than this. And they'd be like, oh, fuck, okay, I guess we're not gonna do that.

I feel like, what was I thinking? I can't believe I even said that. And then as soon as she's got everyone back... Well, she then tells the same story like it happened to her. No, no, no. She wouldn't steal it, but like... If she went on Norton, and she was like jumping out of a tree and giving blowjobs or whatever you said... I'm not sure the jumping out of the tree thing... She definitely spoke about the BJs on this podcast. I believe that she would have brought that up.

It's a raison d'etre. And if she said that on Norton and then John Cena or someone went, yeah, yeah. And then I grabbed their dick and she'd be like, no, you do not. John, this is a chat show on the BBC. Can you please act like that? And he'd be like, I'm so sorry. She'd be like, yeah. And then the next thing that gets said to her, she would be like, never get

fucked up the bum. My son's a bit like that. If you're playing cafe with him. Your son. So sorry, she'd be like, yeah. And then the next thing that gets said to her, she would be like, never get fucked up the bum. My son's a bit like that. If you're playing cafe with him, your son, what will he say when you're playing cafe? Absolutely awful segue. John, think it through. The contrary. John, I'm thinking nothing. The contrarian thing.

Yeah. If you like kids will be having fun with you. Right. So say you're in his cafe and he's going, you like kids will be having fun with you. Right. So say you're in his cafe and he's going, you know, we've got six ice creams. Now you're saying this. Obviously I know about your son's cafe. You've told me about it. The listeners don't know.

Yeah. I think we need to hear about your son's cafe. So when you're talking about your son's cafe. So you're basically an off man you every day of your life really. Yeah. How old's your son? Three. And he likes to play cafe.

Beer. That's his life. Yeah. That's his life. That's his raison d'etre. That's one of the dishes. So he's running, is he running the cafe? He runs the cafe.

Yeah. I did message James. There was one day he goes, right. You know. So is your son as world weary as you already are? No, right, you know. So is your son as world weary as you already are? No, no, no. He's like, right, cafe. So you sit there, he's like, okay.

If you don't like it, the cafe gives you a plate empty. If you don't like it, that's fine. You just spit it into my mouth. That's his cafe. That's the rule of the cafe. That's the cafe. The way you phrased it when you texted me is that he said to you, if you don't like the food I serve, you can spit it back in my mouth, which I find if you don't like the food I serve, a really funny phrase to be chucking in there. If you don't like the food

I serve, you can just put it back in my mouth. Really aggressive cafe owner. But still making himself the quite subservient at the end. Yeah. We're getting the food spat back in his mouth. So it's like he's in charge, but at the same time. Have you ever mimed spitting the food into his mouth? No. No. Cause you always liked the food. I mean, the thing is like, if you've got a restaurant, Cause you always liked the food. I mean, the thing is like, if you've got a restaurant, if a waiter has to do that, the waiters going, you should really be spitting this in the chef's mouth. So is he not the chef as well? He's everything.

He's the proprietor. He runs the place. So yeah, in that respect, he doesn't make food. Does he tell you what he's serving you? Well, he's never got what you want. He says, no, but it's usually ice cream and he goes, what do you want? Strawberry, chocolate or yellow? Yeah.

And you go, yeah, I'll have some chocolate please. He goes, we've run out. So you go, oh, that's a shame. He's just offered it. Yeah. So then you go, well, okay, I guess I'll have some strawberry. We've run out of strawberry. We're closed. That's that's that's that is how it happens.

Yeah. Do you think that's funny? No, because no, no, no, you can't laugh. But is he laughing? No, he's serious. He's like, what are we going to do? We're closed. So then you go, Oh, I better cut. I've got to come back. He's like, yeah. So then you walk out of the room and then just as you're about to walk out, he says, we're open. Fantastic. He's got to think this

is funny. Yeah. Do you think he's, you think he's, he's messing with me? I think, I think he's got to know that that's funny. Otherwise. Do you get like mock annoyed about the weird opening hours of the cafe? Yeah, you've got to go like, I can't believe I've come all this way for a chocolate ice cream and it's closed. And he's like, what do you, you know, he's like, oh, you can't believe it. And I'm like, I can't believe it.

And then he's like, he looks at you. I'll come back after work. Okay. And just as soon as you turn your back, we're open. What's your job in this pretend play world? Cause it can't, when you say I'm going to come back after work, are you still a comedian in the pretend world? No, you've got an office job. What is the job? Oh, I stand in the garden. Is that a job? Hang on. So when the cafe is closed, you go and stand in the garden? Yeah. But where's the cafe in terms of your house? Living room.

Yeah, it got to be. But you go outside and stand in the garden? If he hasn't opened it before I leave, yeah. Cause you've got to keep walking. Normally it gets you before you open the door. You know that scene in Goodfellas where De Niro is looking at the, I can't remember the wife's name now, but there's some new dresses and she thinks she's going to be short. Yeah, and he keeps telling her, yeah, just go down that alley. That's it. Yeah, there's the dresses. That's like my son.

He just goes, keep going. Yeah, yeah. Keep going. But you're like, you're going to say it's open before it got to the door. Yeah. I know I'm not going to be standing in that garden. I know. And then when I am in the garden, what was he forgotten?

How long am I going to stand there? Do you not pretend to be at work? Were you in the garden doing your office job or whatever it is that you do in the pretend game? There's a, there's a berry bush. There's like some black currant. I don't know what they are. Blackberries.

Yeah. So I picked them. Oh, so you like some black, I don't know what they are, blackberries. So I pick them. Oh, so you pick the blackberries. Yeah. Yeah, and he watches me do that. He watches you do that from the, he's just standing in the living room at this point, owning the house, and you're in the garden picking blackberries. Because he told you that they've sold out of ice cream, and they're closed now.

Well, it sounds quite idyllic. Sounds quite, not a nice way to spend a day. It does actually. Well, actually it's a tough way to spend a day. Ten hours of that. Because he's got wooden... this is the thing. This is the thing. He does have wooden toys of ice cream.

It's not like they're imaginary. You can see it. So he says it's sold out and you can see the chocolate. He says they've got them disappeared, sold out, don't have any, and they're there. And also kids love, like if he loves chocolate ice cream as the owner, he can't sell it to you because he likes it. He wants it for himself. So what's his least favourite flavour?

So you go, oh, you go, yeah, he gives you his least favourite. So you go, oh, fantastic. You've got chocolate, strawberry, yellow and whatever the green one is, right? Mint. So you go, oh I'd love chocolate. Yeah. I'd love chocolate. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, you could have that one though. It's like, well, I don't want the

green one, how about the strawberry? Yeah, but you have that one, you have this green thing. So this is like what we're doing. I mean, an owner of a shop who doesn't want to sell the things that they like in the shop. Oh a bookshop Yeah, I like that book. That's for me. Well, I want it. Well, no, I like that book So, you know, when are you gonna try and teach him that lesson that he's being a bad bad cafe owner? Mm-hmm when he has to when he understands business rates You know paying tax an electricity bill for the

free, all that kind of stuff. What does he know his life? So welcome to the Dream Restaurant. We have a wonderful tasting menu planned for you today. Would you like the wine pairing? Yes please, thank you. So that means Ed is gonna, throughout the meal, pair wine with what you're having. I don't think it does mean that James, because I'm not improvising wines. You're good at wine. You know your stuff. But I'm, I just don't think that would be entertaining me improvising a wine menu.

Well, we can edit it out if it isn't, but I reckon it will be. Edit out every wine pair? Yeah, yeah. We'll keep this bit, but we'll edit out Ed saying that, so people will know it didn't work. This will be quicker. We'll leave this bit in and then I won't do it. No, no, you can do it. And just let everyone assume it had been edited out. I believe in you more than you do. I think you should do a wine pair.

I think you know your stuff. Every time wine gets brought up on the podcast, Ed knows what wine they're talking about. He knows what it tastes like. He vimes with them on it. I'm going to speak for you. Thank you. I think if I was you, I'd just want warning. Because if you know your stuff, I know he knows his stuff, but I imagine he would have like maybe 20 minutes to think about it. Yeah, maybe a day or so. But you're just going to throw him. Well, I didn't think of it a day ago. I'm right. It's thought of it while we were talking.

This is how all the best format points on the podcast have come about though. Yeah. So you just off on the hoof, you got to come up with some wine. Yeah. Or any drink, I guess. Or any drink. Did Miriam not have, she hasn't included wine? She didn't do a wine pairing. No, she's got a dream drink, which we'll come to later.

I'll just have that with every course, yeah? No. Good luck. You got a wine pairing. No, she's got a dream drink, which we'll come to later. Just have that with every course. Yeah. No. Good luck. You got a wine pairing. You said yesterday. Well, it's nice to be here. Yeah. Did she talk about what the restaurant looked like and the ambience?

She didn't, but like, if you want to say what you think Miriam Margulies is restaurant looks like, if you look around, it says Miriam Margulies is a dream restaurant. What does it look like to you? Lot of trees. Lot of trees. Yeah. What's that cafe in? Rainforest Cafe. It looks like the Rainforest Cafe. But I mean that gorilla, you're not trusting that

gorilla. That's been rigged up to do some pretty sus things mechanically. Every hour, every hour on the hour, the gorilla jumps down, sucks someone off. Could jump down from anywhere as well. Oh, you don't know where it is? No, they've got it minged up. It's all random. Who knows what seat it is. It's not like if you're sitting in that seat, could be anyone. You've got to be able to book the seat. You don't tell your mate. Yeah tell your mate yeah i've heard it's good man yeah you don't get a menu what the hell's that yeah sit there just sit sit right there mate did you see something

just sit just stay stay still for just for a second why why'd you keep looking up just Stay still for just a second. Why do you keep looking up? Just stay still for just a second. Bang, there he comes. I'm actually taking someone in it now. Woo! It's someone in the gorilla suit. No, it's mechanical. In Rainforest Cafe, if you go to rainforest cafe, they've got a mechanical gorilla there. Yeah. His head's going left and right and whatever.

That's more dangerous in a way. Yeah. You wouldn't want that. Left and right. You wouldn't want that. Can't go up and down. Back and forth. Sure he forward and backwards.

Not up and down. Well, depending on how you look at it, it's not up and down. It's not up and down. It's not up and down. It's not up and down and backwards, not up and down. Depending on angle. He comes down sideways. I tried his best didn't I? It's his job. Yeah, he's thinking in the 90s, I just turned left and right.

People love that. Now I've got to do this. Kids listen to this, don't they? I mean, last time you were on it, John, we talked about putting our dick and balls through a bread basket. And I wouldn't worry. Anyone who was a fan of that episode isn't going to be disappointed by a mechanical gorilla blowing people. So yeah, yeah. Miriam Mugleys is a, yeah, Rainforest Cafe.

It's nice, happy, happy to be here. Fun, fun. It's nice. I'm just going to put some water on the table for you first. Some still water with cucumber or lemon is what was specified by Miriam. That means you've got a choice there. Are you a fan of the cucumber water? Yeah, it's nice. Feels posh.

In my mind, it's like in a big, it's kind of something like your mum did in the summer, like a big plastic kind of jug. There's a lot of water there. There's a lot of water. Yeah. You can't have a little thimble of water with a cucumber in it. Well, it's got to be more water than cucumber, hasn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, cucumber in it. Well, it's got to be more water than cucumber, hasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, cucumber is water. Well, it's not exactly the same because then why would you put it in water? I do know that Ed. Well, I do know that Ed. Yeah, but you said cucumber is water. But you're saying to me, I know cucumber isn't water. Hang on. Well, let's rewind to what you just said. Cucumber is water. Imagine if like John was ever on trial for something or like even a witness in a trial, you would be absolutely ripped apart. Understand. They would make mincemeat of you. You know in Black Hanna, when Baldrick's, uh, Black Hanna's on trial. when Baldrick's Black Hatter's on trial for killing the pigeons and then the witness is brought in, Baldrick walks out and Black Hatter goes, I'm dead. Whoever I was going to help out, they'd be like, wow, might as well say I'm guilty.

Might get a few years off. Absolutely. Character witness. I'd be a good character witness for someone, but when it comes to facts, I don't know. I don't know if you would be, man. If you're ever in trouble. Right. So let's say Ed's in trouble. Right. And you're brought out as a character witness.

Yeah. Uh, Mr. Kearns, how long have you known Mr. Gamble for? Decade. And, uh, Good start. Really angrily saying decade. The stenographer just writing that. One word answer. Decade. They're happy. They got a right, usually right loads.

Yeah, they're happy they've got this guy. He's like, really? I hope this guy carries on like this. I don't. Yeah, no, you're in trouble. And what is your experience with Mr. Gamble, Ben? What can you speak, can you speak to his character? Handsome man. No, not a personality trait. Thanks, though. Yeah, it's nice though. Makes him, Ed's feeling better in court. Went to school in Wimbledon.

Fucking hell. It's Wikipedia. At university, I remember watching him, watching a clip of him doing a student stand up heat and thinking, oh my God, this guy's phenomenal. Yeah. Uh, he does podcasts. Oh fucking hell, John, he's going to prison, man. I'm being led away while you're still in the stand. You're, you're avoiding saying he's a, he's a good guy. What do you want me to say? Your honor. Well, no, it's the judge examining you. I don't know why the judge would ask you. So you've just spun around and screamed at

the judge for no reason. Or you're calling the lawyer your honor, which is also wrong. If you start saying that to the lawyer going, what do you want me to say, your honor? Everyone's going to be like, this guy's fucking. They're asking you to speak to this guy's character. You're a character witness, John. So you can't just say, well, he grew up in Wynwood and he's handsome. I saw a clip of him doing comedy once and I thought he was good. Stand by it, stand by it. But all of it is you avoiding speaking about if Ed's a good guy or not.

All my character witnesses are going to be character comics. You're there with the wig and the teeth on the stand. Raise a question. Calling the teeth on the stand. Crazy question. Calling the lawyers your honor. Decade. He's a great guy. How do you define a great guy? Decade.

A great guy hasn't done anything wrong. You know, if there's someone here, if there's someone who's done something wrong, then that would be the first thing I'd say. But the fact that you haven't done anything wrong in my mind means that you're a great guy. Yeah, but you didn't say it. I mean, you didn't say that. You just said some facts about him, which can't be disputed.

You said you know me for a decade and I went to school in Wimbledon. Yeah. Well, I grew up- You watched the stand-up clip of him and it was good. You thought it was phenomenal. I grew up in South London, Your Honour, my Lords. Yep. People of the jury.

He's a South London boy. Oh, fucking hell. Straight to prison. Oh, yeah. I would trust him with my son. That's good. And... You shouldn't, because I will flip out

if that chocolate ice cream's not served to me immediately. Yeah, that's true. And I've met his partner, his wife. I don't know, they seem pretty cool. No, I think it'd be the first trial where the defendants... I got a prison? I think this is the defendant and the character witness. They don't swap new? No, no, you both go in. I mean, they just chuck you in the cell with him.

They'll be like, the defendant's going in and chucking that character witness as well, because clearly... What the fuck? Something's wrong with him. I'd be like the defendants go in and chuck in that character with this as well. Because clearly something's wrong with him. Something's wrong with me. Yeah. He's clearly done something. How would you, how do you say someone has good character? What do you, you got to give an example? Oh, I would say Ed's always there for you if you need him.

Well, he's not. Cause we, our friendship isn't that deep. I've got maybe five other people. You still understand. You've never requested me to be there for you though. I've never reached out to Ed in a moment of crisis. But, your honour. Do you feel like you could if you needed to? So this is the sort of thing you should be saying.

I think if I had a moment of crisis, he's in the top. No, don't do that. Top 40 people I'm calling. That's actually better than I thought. Yeah? That's not bad. I don't think it's good enough for the court room. Wow.

You make your own minds up. Wow. If you say that on the stand, he's dead. I'm dead. He's getting fried. He's on the electric trip. They're bringing back the death penalty. That's it. What, just for that? Yeah. What for telling the jury you make your own minds up? If you get a carrot to witness and you

sit them down and go- You keep banging on about this. I don't have any examples. If I can only give examples, if someone was a bad person, then I'd go, yeah, I've got an example when they're bad, but a good guy, what the fuck are you going to say about a good guy? You've got examples of when they're good. Do you know what's too good about him? The fact that I don't know anything about him is actually that maybe there is something about him. Maybe there is something.

There we are. He's walking the green mile. He's squeaking clean. He's too squeaking clean. He's walking the green mile. So Jon,aking clean. He's too squeaking clean. Walking the green mile. So John, can you see why James said you'd fall apart in court? Yeah.

Because this is a fake court. Imagine him as a lawyer. Yeah. You need to do your fucking head in. It's a twirling round. Twirling? Yeah. Twirl round.

You'd twirl round, mate. Imagine him as a judge looking at you. Fuck me. Kangaroo court. Kangaroo court. Now we have some heavy sourdough bread or brown bread. This is another one where there was an or in there. You did a little sigh when you heard heavy sourdough.

Yeah, it seemed to be that spoke to you. There's a nice bakery near me, but you buy this sourdough. Yeah, it seemed to be that spoke to you. There's a nice bakery near me, but you buy this sourdough, unless you're eating a whole loaf in a day, the next day it's heavy. It's gone. Yeah. It's gone. Do you not use it for toast in that instance? Well, I read that if you wet it and then put it in the oven or something, it brings bread back to life. I can't be bothered with that. You've got to wet it and put it back in the oven. If you get a baguette and it's gone hard, if you dip it in water, put it in the oven, it comes back to life.

You know like in Fantasia when the brooms will come back to life. So you keep on getting more and more bread. Yeah, you open the oven. It keeps on duplicating. Yeah, like 40 in the middle. Jason, yeah? So you keep on getting more and more bread. Yeah, you open the oven. Yeah, like 40 in the oven. Chasing you. Aaaaaah! Chasing you!

The baguettes! Chasing you! Remember that in Fantasia? With the boobs, yeah. Scary. Stressful, genuinely stressful as a kid. Thinking, what is he going to do? This is awful. And the pink elephant stuff. Crazy thing going on there. Is there any butter?

Not mentioned on this. Maybe you did not specify any butter. Dry bread. Yeah. How you feel about that? My nan used to make sourdough till she was like 90. Wow. Not sourdough, soda bread. Quite a hip, quite a hip nan I was gonna say.

I know, I've got the bread wrong. This is your Irish nan. Yeah, soda bread. If anyone listening has never made bread before. Benito's lost it. Benito's absolutely lost it that you've got the bread wrong. I don't know what you're laughing at. Well, he thinks it's funny that you said sourdough.

It's how quickly you realise you've made a mistake. Sourdough, no, soda bread. No, I'm completely wrong again. Soda bread. If anyone listening has never made bread, make a soda bread. You need buttermilk. I think. He's lost it.

Ben's at the point now where everything you say is funny. For the listener. I don't know why he's laughing about it. Well, there's a thing. I think you know, he's laughing about it well there's a thing I mean I think you know but like there's a thing that you do John where you can be earnest to the point where it's very funny

so you go in if anyone's listened to this and never made bread make soda bread and you're being really stiff and you're stroking your beard from your chin down to your neck? That's right. Are you going like? Cuz I but milk. Yeah, and you're just listed it like it's and when everything you're saying now I'm imagining you're still in the stand. Yeah, you still understand for this whole thing When you got the bread wrong the jury were like, mmm, we don't like this

When you got the bread wrong, the jury were like, we don't like this. Ed's had another 10 years added to his sentence. And you all understand as a character witness for Ed the whole time. So like when you go, my nan made sourdough, no, soda bread. They're like, oh. If I'm in a jury and someone went, my nan made sourdough, sorry, soda bread. I'm not going, hmm. If they were character witness. I can't trust this guy.

If they were character witness, yeah, I'd be like that. I'd be like, we're supposed to believe this guy. My main thought would be this feels irrelevant. Buttermilk, flour, I don't know, a bit of water in a bowl. Just do it. No proving. You don't have to prove it. Correct. What are you doing, court? Yeah, you do it court. You've got to prove lots of things in life, but to make soda bread. List some things you've got to prove. You've got to prove when you go to pay a bill. When you go to the post office or something, you've got to bring a bill. Proof of address.

Proof of address. When you go to an airport, you've got to prove that it's you with your passport. Yeah. Proof of identity. Making a sourdough, you've got to prove it. Wet cloth over it for an hour. Put it in the sun. Be proved.

So the bread, you don't need to prove it. Takes 20 minutes. Whack it in the oven. Nice bit of butter, unsalted butter, then crystal salt over it. Add your own salt. Maybe a bit of jam, whatever you want to then crystal salt over it. Add your own salt, maybe a bit of jam, whatever you want to do. Blackberry jam? Hand picked? Yeah, my mum took the blackberries to make jam. You don't need to. There's an apple tree

in my parents' garden. Were you about to ask me if I knew that there was an apple tree in your parents' garden? Yeah. No. Okay. I'll have some sounder. You tell us about the apple tree. What was about the apple tree you were saying? It's year on year off. I didn't realise apple trees were like that. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

We've got a pear tree and a- Is it year on year off? Don't know. Is it a partridge unit? No. Merry Christmas. Nope. Merry Christmas. Here Mr. Kearns, we have for you some chopped liver from Panzers with IKEA round crisp bread. Thank you. I wait for you to go. Ah, okay. Before you start talking about it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to upset. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't want to upset. I do have to stay for it Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't want to upset. I do have to stay for it though. Okay. So we can have the conversation. Oh, and the wine pairing with this, Ed. Now, John, now you're acting like you're about to say what the wine pairing is.

You can if you want. What is it? Ikea, round crackers from Ikea. Yeah. The round crisp bread, you know, like. Yeah, yeah, I know. Some chopped liver from Panzers. From Panzers.

Yeah, Delhi. Panzers, Delhi. Ed, what's the, what was, like, yeah, yeah, I know. Some chopped liver from Panzers. From Panzers. Yeah, Delhi. Panzers, Delhi. Ed, was it being paired with Ed? Oh, a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee. And a cup, liver and a cup of coffee. Fantastic. Fantastic.

Fantastic. Wow. I like, I like liver. Do you? Yeah. Cause it's quite an acquired taste and like... One of the best lasagnas I ever had, had chopped liver in it. Wow.

Said it really got it really meaty. Yeah. Yeah. And I had liver on Pat Cahill's stag do. There's a really posh Italian restaurant. What a stag do. It was, it was, it begins with B in Piccadilly. Italian restaurant. Posh. Hello, Italian. I reckon loads of people listening would have hoped you said that. Yeah. Yeah.

Went there and I had the offer. Yeah. Did you feel brave when you ordered it? Well, no one else ordered it. Yeah. Were they impressed? Was everyone like, Ooh, Joel's getting the awful. Yep. Yep. Cause I said, I've never been there before. You know, you can go anywhere, get a carbonara or anything, but I regretted it massively. It was like heart, lung, disgusted. It's awful, isn't it? I'm like, Greg's got a ragu, I'd rather have that.

I'd rather have that. How many people on the stag? Ten. No, only me, Greg and Pat on the... And this is Greg James? Yeah. You can decide if we edit that out or not, but I think that's a funny detail. It's you, Greg James and Pat Cahill on a free man's stag and you've ordered awful. You know, yeah, I ordered awful, but I liked the liver bit. I remember that.

Yeah. But you didn't like the heart or the lung. Is that because you were thinking about what it was or did you genuinely not like it? Pretty high up on what I'm thinking about. Pretty high up. Do you know the heart rolls out? Did you know that? It's a muscle. I actually did not know it rolled out. I had no idea. The heart, so you picture the heart, you go it's the size of a fist. It rolls out to like a stretch of like, I'd say a foot long. Wow. It's all wrapped around. Yeah. Wow. How was the, was there like a sauce on the offal? No. Yeah. Wow. How was the, was there like a sauce on the offal? No. Just grilled? Yeah. It's like a delicacy. Yeah. And I don't think any Ikea crackers are going to put my mind off

it. But I think the shop liver like from Jewish delis is more like a sort of pate consistency. It's like, oh I like that. You can sort of spread it on. Yeah. Yeah. Like a chicken liver pate sounds lovely. This deli, is it like a famous Jewish deli? Yeah. In London? In North London. Yeah. Fantastic. Pansers. Yeah. I love that. Thanks. With a nice black coffee to really get it through me. So yours is the black coffee. That's how you have your coffee? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Nice Americano with a sugar, you know, nice. I like, I like hot coffee. Yeah. Can't drink cold coffee.

So even if I have a sip and it's cold, it's done. Jon, you arrived here today drinking an iced latte. I literally saw you today, walked into this building, drinking an iced latte. I never get it. I never ever ever get it. Your Honor, send me down now. It could not be colder. Cubes of ice in it. Oh yeah.

I never do it. I went in. I went, do you do ice coffee? She went, yeah. So I'll have one. No, I never have it. I never have it. Mad though. I know that sounds mad. Yep. I get it. The jury are pretty cool with this. No, they're not. No, they are. No, they're not. No, they're not. Because in my mind, you're in the court, you're going, I never have an ice coffee and you're holding a laugher. You're drinking it. You said, I just need to know where I am. I am in, am I in a courtroom or a restaurant? Because it feels like I'm at a restaurant. Is a gorilla about to drop down and suck me off at some point?

I'm eating crackers and liver with a coffee and there's 12 people on a bench looking at me. Lawyers wandering around, waiters wandering around. Let's not forget there's a fucking genie who won't leave my side. I can't talk about the food. Good God, man. Right. Well, do you know what?

Fine. I'm in a restaurant and animals are being judged by a jury. There's a waiter, genie obviously, and there's a lawyer pacing. All right. Well, there we go. I do like black hot coffee. I don't know, once every two years I'll have an iced coffee. Crackers from IKEA. Everyone knows IKEA, that's the fun bit at the end. That's your reward. That's your treat. That's like, you know, parents' evening.

Let's get McDonald's. You've done the Ikea. Let's get some hot dogs, meatballs. Yeah. Good value as well. Mappy. Nice restaurant. Love it.

Love it. Come back. Bring people. Bring people. Maybe it was added a soup course. Right. So after the liver and the coffee, this is our soup. Yeah.

The coffee was my addition, remember? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just the drinks pairing. You know, you want a pair of drinks with the soup. We will. Um, chicken soup with matzo balls and carrots, celery and onion.

Goodness me. Paired with? Ed? Banana milkshake. Banana milkshake. I don't have to drink it I suppose. Oh yeah, here's his drink pair and it's up to you. Leave it there. Leave it there. The gorilla can have that. He won't get a difference. Yeah, he won't. That's for the gorilla. Grabs the straw, can't leave his luck. Yeah. It's a decoy.

Things like this one. It's a decoy shake. This one keeps going. Freezing. I tell you what, not much girth to it, but it's a giver. Bendier than normal. Shocking. No, it's shocking.

It's shocking. I have the windows. That's what a happy gorilla. I have the window. I have these curtains or something. Shocking. No, shocking. It's shocking. I hope the windows. That's what happy gorilla. I hope the window. I hope there's curtains or something. Foliage. Yeah, some trees. No one can see it. Well, I mean, is there, is there anything better than, you know, a fortifying bowl of, uh, lovely chicken soup with some of those balls? Lovely. Lots of balls. Lovely. I don't know what they are, they're dumplings or something. Yeah, so much of dumplings. We definitely spoke about it with Miriam. I know that it's a very salty soup, but I

only know that because of the film Love and Mercy. Have you seen that film? The Brian Wilson film? Love that. When you cook pasta, there's a rule, it's about how salty you get the, how much salt do you put in when you're making pasta? I just put like a big sprinkle, I guess. I do a big sprinkle. But apparently it's got to be loads, isn't it? It's like a tablespoon.

Yeah, yeah. And there's a phrase, it has to be as salty as a certain sea, maybe the Atlantic. As a particular sea. Who knows that? I don't know, I'm watching this thing and the guy goes, it got to be a salt. I don't know what sea, I don't know what sea. What's the saltiest sea? The one where you float dead sea.

Dead sea. Is that dead sea? So it can't be that. That's too salty. That can't be that. Cause then all the passes floating up at the top. Floating. Yeah.

Yeah. It's all on top of it. Yeah. So it got maybe the Atlantic. Yeah. Floating. Yeah. It's all on top of it. Yeah. So it got maybe the Atlantic. Yeah. Probably the Mediterranean, I guess, if it's Italy. Mediterranean. Ben's saying the Mediterranean. It'd be weird if it was a sea that didn't touch Italy. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought that. A lot of salt in that soup. Yeah. that. A lot of salt in that soup. So I'm going to have some nice, that cucumber water still there. Again, the banana milkshake is where the banana milkshake can do whatever it wants. Fantastic. I tell you what, I'm bringing people here. It'll be a birthday. I'll have a birthday here. That's nice.

Which birthday? You're going to warn them about the gorilla? No, don't tell anyone about the gorilla. No. Great games. Having a pleasant surprise. He can't be seen. He's big time.

Yeah. So he can't go there. He's, he's, he's top 10 BBC. Yeah. He's, he can't be seen being surprised and noshed off by a gorilla. And it's not a gorilla for anyone who know writes in well it's a mechanical thing yeah your main course now i'm going to give it to you do you want to read it out thank you what have you got for your main course

What have you got for your main course? Mummies fried place with olive oil and matzo meal. Who's mummy? My mummy? This is what you have to decide, I guess, because obviously for Miriam, this is her mummy. She didn't say John Kerns' mummy. So you would think that, yeah, like the main course is Miriam's mummies. If you go to a restaurant and it says mummies, fried, whatever, you don't think in my mummy, you're thinking the mummy of whoever owns the restaurant. But like for you, I mean, this is dream restaurant. You're here for, I mean, we could, I don't think it's out of the question

that we can make it your mummies fried. Place. Nah, she doesn't, didn't really cook fish. No? Fish was, you went out for fish. Yeah, you went out for, you know, stinks the kitchen. Yeah. Mummy's fried plate.

I wonder how she, does she say how a mummy does it? Is it like, you know, what's the difference between fried place and Miriam Muglees' mummy? Easy for you to say. Olive oil. Yeah. And matzo meal. Is that what was in the balls? Yeah. I think it's the same stuff. It's a little matzo, but you know, Jewish food is delicious man. Yeah. Well, it's just fish and matzo meal. Miriam Magaliz's mummy's matzo meal. It's lovely. How fast can you say that?

Miriam Magaliz. Yeah. I mean, do you want to go with it? Do you want to have a go? I'll try. Miriam Magaliz's mummy's matzo meal. Ed? Miriam Magaliz's mummy's matzo meal. Miriam Magaliz's mummy's matzo meal. No.

She said Magalizos. Both times you fall in a margolies. Yeah When you said it slowly the first time you said Miriam Margulies. Yeah It's Margulies it's not okay Maybe just Miriam Margulies is mommy's matzoal. There you go. Brilliant. Yeah, brilliant. Sounds nice. Some chips. No, that's not on there, is it? I tell you what, that's quite healthy, that.

Place is quite a delicate fish. John, just for the listener, John said it's quite a delicate fish and then looked at me as if he wasn't sure and he was just checking that he'd got it right. Yeah, the jury can see that. Like they see you looking to the accused with guilty eyes after you've said something. It's quite flat, isn't it? A place. Flat, big flat fish. That thing's flat.

Flat fish. Do you get any season, you know, can I do anything with this or is it just how? Would you want to know what you're having for your side and then you can. Ed, what's it paired with the main course, the fish? Oh yeah. Oh, come on. Give me something nice in there. Rose. Oh, yeah. Dry Provence. Oh, yeah. I've had that. Yeah. The paler the better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When did you have that? I think I've been to Provence. Had it there. I think I've been there. Yeah. There's a chapel. The, you know, Matisse, the artist Matisse, he built this chapel there and it was the last thing he did before he died.

And like he painted from his bed, like on the walls with a long paint brush. With a really long one. It's like a taskmaster task. Yeah. Matisse, he'd have been good at taskmaster. Yeah. Yeah. Picasso taskmaster. Matisse would have stood up to Greg, tear him apart though.

Like he might've been all right at the tasks, but then getting told he's rubbish in the studio. They'd storm off. Artists. Comedians, you sit there and take it. Maybe they did a kids one. I don't know. Happy to meet Mike. Matisse meeting Mike. You think Matisse would like to meet Mike Wozniak? Matisse doing the kids one? Is this Matisse as a kid or as an adult and inexplicably entered into the kids taskmaster? out. Matthew you know, is there like, I'm thinking about art now. I'm thinking, you know, candlelight maybe. Nice place, Mats. Place like the fish.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Place like the fish. Flat fried fish. I mean, the thing is, right, let's be honest here, I don't know a mummy and it's a bit of fried fish and some matzo and meal. Yeah. Well, yeah, great. Would you like to know a mummy? Yeah. That help?

Miriam Mowgli's is mummy. That help if you were introduced to a mummy? Yeah. You know, I think, you know, I reckon the apple don't fall far from the tree. I think you'd be like, this all makes sense. You know, like I met Sam Campbell's parents in Australia. It all makes it just fits. Do you remember the first time we met Sam Campbell? Well, maybe you, right. Okay.

We didn't meet him at the same time, but the first time I- He was an asshole to me. Yeah. So the first time I became aware of him- He knows I told him this. Yeah. Yeah. He knows. We were at the Melbourne comedy festival was probably like, I don't know, 2013, 2014, something like that. Right. And we were in one of the festival bars in the evening and you came up to me looking grumpy. All right. And you went, have you met this Sam Campbell? And I went, I know you're talking about. And you were like, is there a comic over here? He's really

over familiar. He's rude. And I was like, I don't think you said big, but you were like, he's over familiar. He's rude. I was like, Oh, I don't know who he is. He's rude. We stood next to the bar and then like literally like within a minute of you saying that to me, Sam was like doing a lap of the pub Yeah, and he just he didn't even stop walking he went past Yeah, and he said something that he let over went mr. Kearns and he were like, that's fucking that's the guy He just cut he just he just looped around and carried on going. Yeah He's a wind up. Oh, yeah, that's what you said. You had he keeps winding me up. He's a wind up merchant

He's a wind up man. You were like, he you said. He keeps winding me up. He's a wind up match. He's a wind up match. And you were like, he's winding me up all festival. He keeps winding me up. Yeah. He'd say stuff like, the great John Kearns. Yeah, that was it. And I'd be like, I don't know you. Yeah.

He probably meant that though. Not the way he said it. He's winding me up. Over familiarity. Yeah. When you don't know someone. What the hell's going on? Or someone being a bit like, I love having the piss taken out of me, but I've got to

know where that's coming from. You've got to know the intention. Yeah. And if I know someone I like them, you can say anything to me. Cause I'd find it funny. If I don't know who you are and you're doing that, I put the drawbridge up. And then I look through the little hole going, what's going on out there? Who's that? And then I go back into the castle, chat to my friends, come have a look, look through

there. Who's that Australian guy on the other side of the moat, just doing weird dances and shit? So this castle analogy, where's the drawbridge? Don't, you've got to let things go man. Because I'm in a forest now you're going to start saying it's an expression, it's an expression. I'm not defending you, I don't want to argue in front of the lawyers about this. Or the gorilla. Or the gorilla, or any, you know.

You're spending a lot of place at this point because now you're in a castle with a drawbridge. I'm not in a castle, not in a castle. You are. Not in a castle. You just said you're looking at a little man dancing on the other side of the moat. The girl's dancing on the other side of the moat, so I brought the drawbridge up, the metaphor being that I don't know him, so I'm not letting him in. Now I let him in. I know who he is. I like the guy. So he's in the castle now.

He's in the castle now. He still winds me. He goes to me create a little worlds He keeps introducing me like that. Yeah, again. I'm like the fucks is game. He means it. Yeah, he's got a smile He's got a thing. Yeah, well, he knows it's funny to say it, but he does mean it as well It's like he's going over your head to the audience and I'm like in my mind. I'm like no you do it to me You do it in my face. I'm kicking him out of the castle. He's gone. He's got his own castle. He didn't last long.

He's in another castle now. He's got his own castle. Sam didn't speak to me for ages and then I found out you'd been texting James saying he was in the same room as me. Yes. This is, he plays games. He plays games. He was texting me saying, I can't believe I'm in a room with Ed Gamble.

Yeah. He plays games. Yeah. He plays games and he's, and he about it, pissing himself laughing. They always laugh. Point is I met his dad and I went, Apple don't fall far from the tree. Yeah. I met your parents. Yeah. Don't think I've met anyone. No, you met Ed's. Hmm. Yeah. I don't know if you would think Apple falls far from the tree with it. No, I don't think I've met anyone. I don't think so. No, have you met Ed's? Hmm, yeah, I don't know if you would think Apple falls far from the tree with it. No, I don't think that with you actually. Maybe a little bit, but.

Yeah. Really? I didn't think that with you really. No, when you get to know him. Oh really? Who? I guess it's like. Not my dad.

Both. Both. Perfect mix. When you're young, you think it's one though. Yeah, when you're younger, you think. I went through different phases of thinking I was more like my dad, more like my mum. Same. But now I can... both their voices are in my head all the time.

Same. Especially since like having a kid. When I'm 15 I'm like, yeah, I'm a dad. And now I'm like my mum and now you just... it's that realisation as you get older that you're that mix. And there is... like getting away from that. But also you feel very lucky. It's a good mix. I'm not moaning about it. But yeah, that's something you don't really, it's on the surface in your twenties or when you're a teenager. You're like, yeah, I'm like my dad, cause he likes music and I like music. He can't stop buying CDs. He has to hide them in the car. Cause you know, my mom won't let him in the house with CDs anymore. You know, I'm like, yeah, I buy CD, all that stuff.

And now, now I'm an old, now I'm older. I'm like, yeah, my mom, my mom, my mom, my mom. Cause you don't like CDs and that. I like CDs and that's, but nothing to play them on anymore. He used to buy, he used to always buy music. Yeah. And my mom would just be, yeah. And then he'd smuggle them in. He'd make me smuggle them in. I was like a mule. He'd go, just bring them in. Up your t-shirt. The reason

why I talk about parents is Miriam Margulies' mummy's fried place. I've never met Miriam's mummy, but I'm sure that's going to be lovely. Fried flat place with olive oil. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. And a side dish of roast potatoes, small frozen peas, braised celery and braised carrots. Fantastic. Yeah, happy with that. Absolutely gorgeous. Yeah. It's already, sounds a bit dry. Well, maybe a drink pairing with it to... A little bit gravy.

Can we drink the gravy? Go on, I'll give you that pint of gravy. Roast potatoes. Beautiful. How do you, do you make your roasts? Pretty classic, I'd say. Parboil. Parboil. Parboil the potatoes, shake them around. Yeah.

Some Samalemma. Don't do any of that. Some what? Oh, no, no, no, no, don't. No? Well, I don't know how to say the word. He's on me. Yeah, I'm on him because he said, he said Samalemma.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, what is it? Well, no, it's it. Have another go. I'm doubling down. Samalemma. Samalena. Samalena. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what is it? Well, no, it's it have another go. I'm doubling down. Salmonella.

Salmonella. Salmonella. You don't want that. You don't want Salmonella. Salmonella. That's Sam Campbell's nickname. Yeah. So that's what Nigella does. She puts the salmonella in it. Yeah. I'd go maybe a bit of flour and then very, very hot fat, put it into the hot fat. Love that. Cover it with the hot fat. Love that. Brilliant. Love that. I'll have them braised celery. I've never cooked... It's the second time celery's come up. I've never cooked celery. Have you ever had cooked celery?

Celery goes into the base of a lot of stuff. So you will have had cooked celery. I've had a lot of it. I've actually done it myself many times. Yeah. Celery, onion, carrot into the base of like a stew. Yeah, I do that most weeks. Braised, never braised it though. Never, I'm not going to start braising it. Well, that's delicious. I mean, look at that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty basic, isn't it? It's pretty basic, but I thought you would like that because I know it's very home. I know that you like a roast and you like talking to people about how they do a roast I was pretty sure you would ask get how we did this for you take those because it's your you love knowing that about us

James well, it's everyone has their own way. Yeah Well, how do you do it? What's the James a castor roast potato parboil them? Yeah, put them on the tray with loads of loads of olive oil and salt and pepper. I forgot salt and pepper. That's it. Then squash them. I squash them all into that. So push down on them with the back of a spatula. Squash them all on such that they break a little bit. Not fully. Just break a little bit and then put them in the oven. Roast the hell out of them. You get those nice little crispy bits where you've smashed them. Put your herbs in 20 minutes before the end, don't put them in at the beginning. Good tip.

Rub the herbs with olive oil so they don't burn. I love it. What I like about this menu is you do feel like I'm in like Miriam's brain, I'm in her house. Another place. Like this is no no no. Yeah, oh man. No no no.

So is the castle inside the brain? No. So your castle is no, no, no. Yeah. Oh man. No, no, no. So is the castle inside the brain? No. So your castle is in Miriam's brain. Cause I can picture it that you're in the castle with the drawbridge. You can look out of it and see people dancing the other side of the moat. And then inside the castle. There's a gorilla up the turret. Yeah. Inside the castle there's like trees and stuff and there's a gorilla at the turret. And then you're sitting at like on the stand having your meal and there's a jury in there. So I can picture it all, but now- So there's a Bible as well? There's a Bible there, Brian.

You've got to swear on the Bible. Yeah. Does that mean anything to you? The Bible? Yeah. Like if you're swearing on the Bible, are you thinking this is serious stuff or you think I don't believe in that anyway? I don't care. Are you asking me if I swear on a Bible, am I taking that seriously? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Do they have another option now? They must do. Like the Da Vinci Code or something? If that's your book of choice. That's your favourite book. Book of choice? It's your choice. It could be like Nigel Slater's Real Food.

What book means the most to you? Yeah. What would be your book? Are you asking me? Maybe that Japanese book, In the Shadows. Swear on that. Learned a lot from that. Well, you learn three things. Three things. That's a lot. What's Kermode's rule about comedy films? If he loves three times, it's a comedy film. Kermode? Yeah. I think that's anyone who doesn't know you, which by now everyone knows you who's listening

to this podcast. By the time they got to this point in the episode. But like, if people didn't know John Kearns, I would say he's the kind of guy who takes Mark Kermode's rules for life very seriously. And will quote the people like... When you hear someone give a rule, it's fun, isn't it? It's nice. go, where is that a rule I want to live by? Because I'm always, I think, looking for rules. I'm always looking for things to hang the coat on, hang the hat on. Because otherwise you're just scrambling around in life. So if someone goes, if I laugh three times in a film, it's comedy, I go, hmm, well, okay. How often do I laugh for comedy films? Not a lot. But there's like side films and stuff where there's three laughs in. Does that make it a comedy film?

No. Also, that's the problem with comedy these days. You don't know what's comedy anymore. Well, Mark Kermode does if he laughs three times. Do you think Mark Kermode, when he's laughed twice at a film, gets in his head? Because then he's like, yeah, he's like, am I going to laugh a third time? Or like that third one's got to be difficult. Cause now he's thinking if I laugh again, it's a comedy. If I don't, it's not. And now he's overanalyzing it. Cause the first two laughs might've come easily.

You know, he's been like, Oh, that's funny. He doesn't get on with his son and his son had to go him. And that's funny that the mini me hump the laser. And then after that, is he like, when am I going to laugh? Osterpaz. Osterpaz 2, Spy Shagme. Yeah.

You're laughing at the title for that film. Yeah, so that's one. Holy moly. You're laughing at the title immediately. You've laughed before you've gone in. Spy Shagme, laugh. I'm laughing at the name. I saw that film with my nan and she fell asleep in the trailer. I watched it. I just watched it.

Just you? Just me. Well, my nan was there. Yeah, but she's asleep. Yeah. She's still there. You had a good time? Loved it.

Funny film. I'd run away from home. Sorry? I'd run away from home. I was sick of it. What? I don't know. I don't know how old I was, but I was sick of it.

So I went, right, I'm off. And then I got to my nan's. Hang on, you ran away from home and straight to your nan's house. Yeah. I'm not at home. I might have run away with mine. Yeah, but to your nan's house, which is basically a house. I think she's going to basically... Anyway, she calls my mum. She went, he's here. Yeah, of course.

And I was, I remember being at the top of the stairs looking down. Sick of it. Did your nan live in Ireland? That's pretty impressive. No, they're from Ireland. She's in Tooting. I thought you'd run away to Ireland on your own. And I'm looking down the bottom of the stairs like, yeah, I'm here, what are you going to do about it? And I can just see my nan talking to my mom. She's like, okay, okay. Now I'm thinking they're going to collect me. Yeah.

My mom clearly went, he can stay there. So I was there for three days. I'm like, this is bad. How old were you? Well, spy who shagged me. I went to see that. Well, that was a 12 and I'm probably feeling a little bit cheeky seeing that. So maybe I'm 11. 98, 99. So you ran away from home. You went straight to your dad's. I ran away from home and I'm thinking, yeah, my parents are going to be like, where is he?

Like, oh, we got to get him back, our beautiful son. Yeah. My dad crosses me up. She says, he's here. He's here, so am I. My mom clearly went, fuck him, have him. And I remember going, hey? That's not-

Totally caught you bluffing. Oh, they caught me bluffing. But then, my dad went, do you want to go to cinema? Went to Wimbledon, went to cinema. So your dad said to you, do you want to go to cinema? Went to Wimbledon. Went to cinema. So your dad said to you, do you want to go and see Spy Who Shagged Me? I just, I remember thinking I want to, no, she didn't say that. I said that.

He said, dad. Did you say, I want to go and see Austin Bowles of Spy Who Shagged Me? Well, you know, younger listeners, they'll think it's crazy, but you've got the local paper out, you've got the listings in there. It's the only way of finding it. You're picking up, calling the OJN. You're calling the cinema, man. Yeah. And we went there, remember? Yeah. Great movie. Funny movie. She fell asleep. You watched it.

Yeah. Probably, you know, I wear a wig, I wear fake teeth on stage. Maybe formative. I don't know. Yeah? Have you seen the film? Oh, fuck. German film. Four hours long. Das Boot. It's not Das Boot. Tony Erdmann. Tony Erdmann. Oh yes. Yeah. Yeah. Is it that long? It's a long film. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen it. Beautiful film. Yeah. That guy who wears a wig, forged teeth. Yeah, you can't be serious with people. He's always got to be joking.

Yeah. And his daughter doesn't like that. Yeah, it affects his relationship with his daughter. And beautiful moment at the end where she finally embraces it. She puts on the fake teeth and the wig. And she's finally kind of being silly with her dad. And he's like, oh, fantastic. And he runs back into the house to get a camera to kind of capture this moment.

The film camera stays on her, just stays on her face for about a minute. And within that minute, you see her become self-conscious again. The silliness has gone, and she slowly takes it off. And then you don't see him come back. The idea of being silliness being light being funny It's just so it can just go in a second the salad see she added a salad course to this As well

You're gonna edit out Just tell me you get it. No, that's standing. I thought you started again like you're gonna edit out. No, no I staying in. I can't. You started again like you were gonna edit it out. No, no, I just thought there was nothing to add to that. It's beautiful. We don't have to puncture everything that you do. We can just let you talk about silliness in a passionate way. Green salad. Yeah.

Green salad. A green salad for you. Romaine. With diced potatoes. No, I'm not. Endive. Endive. Endive.

Rock it with a French dressing on the side. Yeah, brilliant. Well, no, go on. Be honest. Be honest. I don't want it with my potatoes. Maybe nice with a bit of fish. Which you got. You haven't got mummies fried place. I'm not eating the salad. I'm just going to leave it. Just yeah. I admire your honesty with that. You're not going to eat that. It's not. I mean, what? I like salad and a nice French dressing. I make my own French dressing. Yeah. Talk us through it. White wine vinegar, Dijon mustard, salt, pepper, lemon. I don't know if that's French, but

that's what I do. Put it in a jam, Josh. I'll shake it up. Do you pretend to be a cocktail waiter when you're doing that? Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want it though. It's hot food, the hot cold thing going on. Yeah, you don't like hot cold? Like who does? Not me. I don't know. Someone who arrived today drinking an ice coffee might enjoy playing with temperatures, I don't know. What about in a dessert though? What about? Yeah, that's nice in And brownie ice cream. Yeah. Lovely. Love that. Love that. I'm a contrarian.

You don't want cold salad with a roast potato. I kind of agree because it like wilts the salad. And so every now and again, it's like, I'm thinking of like all the different settings and just imagining someone on the witness stand saying the phrase, I'm a contrarian. on the witness stand saying the phrase, I'm a contrarian. Again, if I'm in the jury, I'm looking at the guy going, well, you know, he's telling me that. It's worse if you're watching someone and you lean over to the next person and you go, I think this guy's a contrarian. Whereas if I said, I think this guy's a contrarian.

And then I look up at the stand and the guy goes I'm a contrarian I'd be like hey, he's telling me. Like Derren Brown would do. Yeah. Why is he doing that? Derren Brown tells the audience what he's doing. Yeah, you said- So then they trust him more.

Well, that's that's the thing about magic. Yeah. It's the most honest art form because they tell you. You know it's a trick. The first thing you are told is I am going to trick you. This is bollocks. Nothing is real. Welcome to the show.

You should open your shows like that. I'm going to trick you. This is all bollocks. It's all a trick. Welcome to the show. Curtain up. Yeah. And then curtain up.

Then curtain up. So what you're saying is offstage. It's a voiceover. Yeah. Offstage mic. Yeah. Then curtain up. Then curtain. So what you're saying, you're saying it offstage. It's a voiceover. Yeah. Offstage mic. Yeah. Hang on curtain up. No curtain down. You're behind the curtain. Oh yeah. The start of the show. Lovely stuff. Maybe shoes, just the shoes. Smoke. Then I appear. In the shoes. Yeah. I walk on wearing shoes and throw the shoes away. Don't know who left them there. Off you go. That's a funny beginning. That's a funny beginning. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. You walk into the theatre, blackout. Yeah. Voiceover. It's all a trick. This is all bollocks.

This is all bollocks. I've watched this. It's got a pack of lies. Okay. Welcome to the show. Yeah. Curtain up, pair of shoes, smoke. I walk on wearing shoes, throw the shoes in the audience. Dunno who left them there. Crack on. Great.

Virgin Mary, no ice, plenty of Worcester sauce, slice of lemon, more celery. We've got celery again. Virgin Mary, so no booze in there. No booze in there. How do you feel about that? Great. No ice. No ice. Plenty of Worcester sauce, slice of lemon, celery. Celery again. I don't really want to take the lemon out. Worcester sauce, great, plenty. Love that.

Do you prefer Virgin Mary or Bloody Mary in all honesty? I probably only had it twice in my life. It was these people that are hungover going, let's get the Bloody Mary's down. I've got shit to do. Sorry. Does Miriam drink? Not sure.

I mean, she didn't want any booze on this menu. Sounds like she doesn't. So I mean, I'm on antibiotics at the moment. Yeah. I can't drink till next Sunday. So it sounds good. I went to the dentist last week. I went to the dentist with you.

I said, thank you, dentist. Do you know that where you say thank you, doctor I said, thank you dentist. It did sound right. You called him dentist. I went thank you dentist. They are doctors though, you know. Yeah, they are doctors. I thought they were dentists. Their title is...

No, they're dentists. No, their title is doctor. I'm calling them dentists. You don't go to the dentist to call the dentist a doctor. We've got good news for you there. You don't go to the dentist to call the dentist a doctor. We've got good news for you though, John. The dessert. I've just realised.

Ben's laughing, Ed's laughing, James composed with the killer punch. This is good news. This is good news. Why is he laughing? Because it's perfect. It's a coincidence. Alright, let me think. Why is it perfect? Why would Ed laugh like that?

I was laughing out of happiness. Oh, okay. It wasn't a cruel laugh. It's either ice cream or something to do with the gorilla. Coffee and dark chocolate ice cream from Narduli, something that's in Clapham I think we've talked about. Ah, I live near Clapham. What is it, an ice cream shop? Yeah, maybe Margarethe says the best ice cream, she gets a scoop of the coffee, scoop of the

dark chocolate, that's her favourite dessert in the world. Clapham seems like it's got some nice food places. Oh yeah man. Who's the chap? Roo? The chef, he just closed. Michelle Roo Junior. Everything on Top Jaw, he said Clapham. He probably lives in Clapham. I wrote them down on a bit of paper. I live near there, I need to do all that. Does he live near Clapham? I guess so, if that's what he was picking. Yeah, a lot of chefs live in one Zaffaria. Yeah. Ramsey.

Does he? Yeah. Big house. You'd love Ramsey. He's one of the kind of people I think you would love to meet. Yeah. Like you would love to meet Gordon Ramsey. I would, yeah.

There's a certain figures in pop culture. Kermode is a perfect example as well. Like certain people who just seem like they're staples now, they're part of the furniture, they've been there for them. I like meeting the furniture. And you're like, there they are. Yeah, I like meeting the furniture. Mark Kerr mode, Gordon Ramsay.

Because the thing with Ramsay, right? Yeah. He's, he's, we all know him as like, you know, just almost like a TV personality. He's on the Mount Rushmore. But it's how good he is at the, like everything else is noise. And like everyone knows him, maybe like everyone knew him from the telly or like just the Hell's Kitchen or that. And know him now, he sells pans, he'll flog you, anything. But 90s, he worked his arse off and he was the best. And I like that. I like when, you know, like when you like a musician and you love an album and

then the other albums are shite, but you don't care because you're like, well, they did that. Yeah. Like I like Rufus Wainwright and you know, the last few albums, whatever, not for me, but because he did what he did early 2000s, poses, he could do any anything. It's that freedom of like, he could do anything. I'm up for it. But you've got to defend them because they gave you that moment. And like, if you go on YouTube and watch the documentary about Marco Pierre White and Ramsey, because they work together, it's fantastic. Keith Floyd turns up, Marco Pierre White's hero. He

makes him lamb chops and mash. They just sit there in silence eating it. And you know, that's good lamb chops and mash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to meet Ramsey. I mean, he, I think he'd hate me. I think he'd just be like, what's your deal? It just, it slapped me about a bit. He pointed something I'm wearing and he, and he, and he go, he go, But there you go, you got your chocolate ice cream. We're not sold out. It's not closed. You've got it.

What, the coffee vibe? What was that? A coffee ice cream and a dark chocolate ice cream. Coffee ice cream and dark chocolate ice cream. Brilliant. Happy with that. It's a really nice meal. You love ice coffee, so coffee ice cream is basically that.

This is like a meal that you know your favourite at school, your mates might like you went I can't wait to go around to their house. Yeah. Because you know, matzo meal, flatfish, liver and coffee. Yeah I mean the more I say it the more I'm like you know you can give or take some of this but. And what I've noticed has happened as well is that normally when we do these episodes, the normal episodes we ask the guests what they're going to eat and we don't know what they're going to eat. And as they're saying

their courses Benito will write it down in his notepad. And then at the end he will hand it to me so that I can read them their menu back and see how they feel about it. Now obviously with this one, I've got Miriam's menu written down in front of me, but I've noticed at the corner of my eye that Ben has still been writing the menu down as we go along And he's literally teed up. He's about to hand it to me So I can read you your menu back, even though I have read you the menu throughout the whole episode And you've got it in front of you He's already in the rhythm of what it used to be like we added drinks to it So he wants me to say that as well, but I don't think but I don't think we need to read the menu back

But I love that. Do you want me to read the menu? Yeah. Your honor. Yep. Members of the jury, Gorilla, James Edds. Sam Campbell. Castle. Outside the castle. Yeah, castle.

Well, fantastic menu. Miriam Margulies is tasting menu. I had water with some still cucumber. Still cucumber. Still cucumber? I don't know. That's the way I want my cucumber. If you get a fizzy one. I like my water still. I like my cucumber like, I like my water still.

I don't trust a moving cucumber imagine a cucumber just flew across the room now yeah you put that in your drink no where you saw a cucumber on the floor you think someone's dropping a cucumber. That's why cats are scared of cucumbers. Are they? Because they think they're snakes. What's the Ken Dodd joke about cucumber? Go on. What a lovely day for sticking a cucumber through the Vickers letter box and saying Vicka the Martians have landed! Frank Skinner's favourite joke, I mean I'm told by Ken Dodd. Still with cucumber, sliced presumably. Some soda bread, brown bread, chopped liver with panzas from panzas with Ikea round crisp bread. Chicken soup with matzo balls and carrots, celery and onion. Mummy's fried place with

olive oil and matzo meal. You got coffee with the liver. Coffee? Banana milkshake with the soup. Banana milkshake! Mummy's Fried Place, olive oil, matzo meal, roast potatoes, small frozen peas. Specifying that they're small. And frozen. Small?

What the fuck, they're all the same size aren't they? Braised celery, braised carrots, green salad, fuck that. Virgin Mary, no ice, I'm having ice. You can give me ice. Coffee and dark chocolate ice cream from Nardulli. Happy with that, John? I'm coming again. That's absolutely beautiful. It's a really genuinely beautiful meal. I'm happy and I'm going to bring people back. Well thank you very much for coming back to the Dream Restaurant. And after you've paid

the bill, there's a little rustling in the trees above you. Oh yeah. It's guerrilla time. I hope you left a tip. You're about to. I mean someone had to say it. Taking a present. Thanks John. Well there we are James. I think that actually that's got legs. That's got legs. That was good. Yeah. I mean, look, we're saying that now, you know, it could be that the off menu Twitter account is just inundated with tweets, but I'd like never ever do that again. I don't like change. I don't think they will because it was nice chatting to John. Look, the format is even looser than it normally is. It's an excuse to chat to these people again. It's nice to hear from John again, learn even more about him and his life and where

his life is now. And also just be reminded of Miriam's menu. Yes. And how tasty that was. Look, the hardcore are going to love it. Yeah, the hardcore are going to love it. And any, there are going to be some people who that's the first episode they've ever listened to crazy and they'll be like Oh cool. I get it. Yeah, it's a podcast. They say to a guest Here's a meal that another celebrity likes. Would you like to eat that? Well seems cool to me Yeah, but look there's there's plenty of people that we want to get on again So yeah, if you have any requests for people that you'd like to hear again, maybe do this format, get in contact with Benito and he'll send you a signed chopping

board. He will. And also make sure you mention what guest menu you would like them to eat. Yes, exactly. Don't forget John's special, The Varnishing Days is available on Sky. Thank you very much for listening to this new, is it like a pilot? Wasn't it James? Yes, it was a pilot. And fingers crossed we get a full series commission. Bye. Bye.