Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 286: Rhod Gilbert (Live in London)

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

It’s our first b-b-b-b-bonus episode from our live residency at the London Palladium. And first up in the Dream Restaurant is superb stand-up and James’s ‘Taskmaster’ pal Rhod Gilbert. Rhod Gilbert is on tour now with ‘Rhod Gilbert and the Giant Grapefruit’ including a date at London’s Eventim Apollo on 12 June. For dates and tickets go to rhodgilbertcomedian.com Follow Rhod on Instagram @rhodgilbert Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the London Palladium.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Huge news from off-menu towers, James. Big announcements! We've just added extra dates for off-menu live, the tasting menus at the Royal Albert Hall. We will be there on Sunday 15th March 2026 at 2pm. Sunday 15th March at 7.30pm. It's on Sunday 15th March, two shows, 2026. Tickets from RoyalAlbertHul.com and Ctickets.com Hello there and welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. It's a live one, James. B-b-b-b-bonus! There it is. There it is. The jingle. It's a bonus episode we did some live

dates at the Palladium. Yes. Which is very exciting. People just standard episodes, new guests. New guests, standard episodes live at the Palladium. We did four shows in three nights James. It was wonderful. Thank you to everyone that came. We had an absolutely stupendous time

and now we're very excited to be able to share the audio versions, the podcasts, with the people who couldn't go. These won't be coming out week to week, by the way. No. The last run of live ones we did, they came out week after week after week. No, they'll be popping into your inbox now and again.

But this first one was indeed the first one we recorded. It was recorded on the 20th of March, 2025. And it is with the wonderful special guest, James. Rod Gilbert! Wow. Rod Gilbert, one of our finest comedians. Yes. Also, we were on Taskmaster together.

Yes, you were. But that was fairly uneventful. I'm sure we won't get into that. I'm sure that won't get into that. I'm sure that won't come up. Rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the giant grapefruit, including a date at the event

in Hammersmith Apollo in London on the 12th of June. Go to rodgilbertcomedian.com for tickets. You must do that. We should also explain, James, we picked the secret ingredient with the audience in the first half we are not putting any of the first half stuff on the audio. No we won't put really to the first half but they did help us decide the secret ingredient if it was us we would have said great fruit because his new shows called that yeah but he's had a lot of food in a lot of titles of his

shows yeah yeah the audience went with Battenberg. So Battenberg is Rod's secret ingredient bear that in mind also bear in mind there might be some references in Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the audience went with Battenberg. So Battenberg is Rod's secret ingredient. Bear that in mind. Also bear in mind there might be some references in the live show with Rod to things that happened earlier on in the show, which you will not hear. For instance, my intro to the top of the podcast. Sure. Yes.

But I think we should just hear it, James. Yeah, I think we should just go in. Let's dive in. This is the off menu menu of Rod Gilbert. Light at the palladium. ["The Blue Pasta of Friendship"] Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the carrot sauce of humour,

adding the blue pasta of friendship. It's Halloween. ["The Blue Pasta of Friendship"] That is a gamble Halloween? That is it, Gamble. My name is James A. Kessler. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest that hasn't a favourite ever. Start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is

Rod Gilbert! Now you all know what the secret ingredient is. Keep that in your head and we'll see Now you all know what the secret ingredient is. Keep that in your head, and we'll see if we end up kicking Rod Gilbert out of the London Palladium. She would love to do, right?

I would love to do it so much he deserves it for his despicable behavior on Taskmaster. Should we crack on, then? Let's crack on. Please welcome to the stage. No, we don't do it like that. This is the off menu menu of Rod Gilbert. Remember that?

It's only about 300 episodes we've done. And I'm not a listener. This is the off menu menu of Rod Gilbert. Rod Gilbert. Thank you. Right here please Rod. Oh they're nice aren't they? They're lovely, they're lovely. You alright Palladium?

This is lovely, you should listen to this podcast James. Yeah? Yeah give it a whirl. What, what, what, some highlights? Give me some highlights of it I think you'd enjoy it. It's all I'm saying And it's good. Yeah Actually, no, I think it's better. I'm gonna say I'm gonna I mean I did say this to you earlier when I arrived But I'm gonna go on a bit of a limb. I'm getting I'm getting old and a bit sentimental

And I think the audience would appreciate it if I thanked you two for this I think the best podcast in the world correct how much like not tonight not tonight obviously but this will be the exception that makes the rule that this is a incredible podcast I think this will be the best episode ever I think I think this will be the number one episode of Off Menu. There's not one person that believed that. Do you think you are getting old and sentimental Rod? Because we were saying the last time me and James saw you was at a wedding and we'd not seen you for a while and you came up to me and James and you said oh you two have shot up. Yeah, that's because I am becoming what's known as a little old man.

And that's what happens when you're a little old man is the younger generation, they go, oh, you've shot up. Last time I saw you both, you were in cubs. I've got a question. Yeah, yeah. You know the booby trap thing? The secret ingredient. The what? Secret ingredient? Secret ingredient, yes. Yeah, yeah. You know the booby trap thing? The secret ingredient. The what?

Secret ingredient? Secret ingredient, yes. Little old man. With hearing aids. I am wearing hearing aids. Yeah, the secret ingredient is that, because I've never heard you kick anyone, I've never heard it happen. Right.

It happened once famously, but I didn't hear it. Do I have to pick that thing or just mention it? Pick it. You have to pick that thing or just mention it pick it You have to pick it after being one of my things. Yes. Yeah, you can mention it Oh, and we won't kick you out. Okay, if you pick it and it's in a dish clear You're out on the streets of London got it and we're tearing up your train ticket home. Yeah, I Will be if I get kicked out of here. Yeah, I mean it took me six hours to get you get kicked out of here. I mean it took me six hours to get here and I got out of my sick bed to get here. So if I get kicked out I will be taking some fucking millennial with me I'll tell you that.

You got to bear in mind like Rod lives around the corner, he's just very old and it takes him a very long time to walk anywhere these days. I'll be hitting you with my flat cup, young man! Banging you with my Zimmer! James, we should start properly, please. We need to do this officially, Rob. I've always wondered what was going on. Now, Rob, we always give our guests during the live shows the opportunity to rub the big lamp if you would like to. I mean, have you got anything more phallic I could?

Welcome to the Gin restaurant, we've been expecting you for some time. Pretty cool. I'll be honest, I only remembered you had quite a bad cold when you were stood in the stream of dry ice that was pouring into your face. I hope that hasn't affected your lungs in any way. Yeah, it's perfect for a man with throat cancer. By the way, that's not what I was referring to when I said you had quite a bad cold. LAUGHTER Also, you're lucky that you don't get tick-ticked out for just saying the secret ingredients. LAUGHTER We didn't think they'd go there, but that's what they picked for Ocant.

LAUGHTER Oh, shit! Oh, are you much of a foodie, Rod? What did you say? Am I much of a foodie Rod? Would you say? Am I much of a foodie? If you're doing this podcast about surely you should have asked me that before you invited me on. You'd be surprised. Benito doesn't let us talk about food with the guests before they come on.

I tell you what I've done as well. I've got notes. We love it. Because I'm so forgetful. I'll tell you a bit about how forgetful I am in a minute, but am I a foodie? Not really, but I've come a long way Rod Rod. Would you like me to remind you to tell us how forgetful you are? Yes, why me to tell you how because it relates to food. Okay, how forgetful I am, but yeah No, I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales

but I feel like I've come a long way. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales. Food in our house was... I mean to be fair, like my dad wasn't interested. My mother was working full-time bringing up three kids, so food in our house was not exactly... I mean, I'll give you a few examples. Spaghetti Bolognese. Lovely. In my house, when I was growing up, spaghetti Bolognese was a tin of tomato soup, a tin of corned beef, stir it up, that's spaghetti Bolognese. And I still have it to this day.

You still eat it? You still eat it? Any spaghetti in there? I only found out it wasn't that when I got to college. Oh yeah, spaghetti, on a bed of spaghetti. Corned beef, tomato soup, on a bed. My mother once, and my dad was very simple-tasted, a very grateful man, so he would always express his gratitude.

My mother walked in once and put a plate of boiled rice in front of my dad. And my dad couldn't, he was very short-sighted, he couldn't actually see it, but his standard response was, oh, wonderful, fit for a king, fantastic. And then my mother went like this, went oh, I've forgotten the ham She came out with a fork and a packet of packeted ham and lifted out two pieces and Draped it on top of the rice of the rice, but he already said fit for a king at this point

Yeah, yeah, and he was happy with that. So what did he think when the ham came out? Oh, it's fucking mind-blown But he was very simple say like if my mother was away or not able to go we had sardines on toast That's what we had every single time and we if anybody ever came to eat in our house, right? So if ever we had I guess call them a guest. Yeah, oh wait, we do that in England as well. Yeah I guess call them a guest. Yeah, oh wait, we do that in England as well Did you call them a guest such an interesting culture Tell me if I'm going too fast So if we're the guests somebody non related somebody not from the family a friend and neighbor would come round first My mother would literally under the table like go like this. She'd go

Right kick you and you and she like go like this, she'd go, right, kick you and she'd go like this, she'd go, F-H-B, F-H-B. And we all knew that meant family hold back. Wow. So there wasn't enough food to go around, so my mother would kick us and go, F-H-B, and you'd go, actually I'm not that hungry, just fucking leave it. And that's what I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. Fit for a king and just pushing it across the table.

Just not this king. Now Rod, I believe that you're quite forgetful, is that right? No, not too bad. I am quite forgetful, it relates to food, because I mean, and my wife's here tonight, the lovely Sian is here. Hi there, Sian was here because I mean and my wife's here tonight a lovely Sean is here I know Sean was it. She's here somewhere Sean do we not say hello anymore? We've been backstage for ages trying to keep this guy entertained

and We're the same. I don't know if it's ADHD or just forgetfulness whatever right but trying to make I would say I've got a success Rate on making a cup of tea is about one in ten So I will frequently put a tea bag in a cup, wander off and forget about it. Another 10% of the time I'll probably pour hot water on that tea bag, wander off and forget about it. Another 10% of the time I'll pour the hot water on,

remember I've done it, go to pour the milk in, then wander off and forget about it. Another 10% of the time I'll remember it's there after a while, and go, oh, this is cold now. I'll put it in the microwave to heat it up. And then another 10% of the time, I'll go back to the microwave later on that evening, hours later, and find a fucking cup of tea in there. Sometimes I'll put it on for another 30 seconds,

and then I've wandered off again and forgotten in there again. I'd say 10% of my cups of tea ended me successfully drinking a hot cup of tea. I love tea as well, it's a shame. That is a shame. That's a massive shame. I once, and Sian will testify to that, I once put, it was Christmas Day about 2016, I don't know. I said to my wife on Christmas Day, should I pop some mince pies to warm in the oven?

Oh no. I'll just pop a couple of mince pies. Now, down in Wales, we've got an Arga, right? You know, country living. Yeah. An Arga stays on. That's the thing with an Arga. You'll know that.

Just for... I popped two mince pies in on Christmas Day. Sharnie, can you hear me? Yeah. It would be fucking crazy if she could have not, right? What I meant was... It would be fucking crazy if she could have not wrote What I meant was I guess that was a roundabout way of asking can we hear you right The very roundabout way of asking

Can you hear me? Yes, right? I can hear you all good Because we didn't sound check this she wasn't here earlier Anyway, I said Sean slip up a couple of mince pies in the oven Christmas day around tea time She said that would be lovely. When did we find them Sean? May the following year just to be clear May 17 I open the there's two fucking discs. Two black discs. I've gone, what the hell are these? And then we worked backwards through April, March.

They're the mince pies I popped in the oven on Christmas Day. So you're not doing a huge amount of cooking would it be further Not in the Arga. No, no, not in the Arga. No. No, we've got other cooking utensils and equipment to do that They're a regular oven hob to carry on Where they are winning whether with the mince pies award-winning with a award win. Oh Is good He is good any where they award-winning oh He's good He's good any where they award-winning mince pie mind you I can see got nothing from the audience Yeah, that was I thought I thought it was gonna take the roof off with the family

But instead I've actually inadvertently and not deliberately damage to read show many moons ago 2008 I did a show called the award-winning mince pie is what? James's a wonderful show. A wonderful show Rod. A wonderful show. Wonderful. Oh thank you, wonderful, thank you very much. A wonderful stand-up show. Oh did you see it?

Yeah, at Edinburgh. Went to see the Edinburgh Festival. Because you'd have been quite sort of early in your... We were new comedians and Josh Whitcombe said to me, have you seen the show Rod Gilbert's doing? I said no, I would go and see it again if you want to go and see it. I went and see it. It was amazing. Oh Nice, thank you very much. Yeah, very much

So just take that and I was thinking one day this guy's gonna mug me off on taskmaster It's gonna ruin my life Are we going there? We're talking about that now? It's gonna come up I'm sure. Yeah it'll probably come up at some point I'm sure but you know as you've already covered since all the awful things you did you very cleverly got cancer and I can't go in too hard on you now. I'm just gonna adjust my hearing aids up slightly to those. No, I did say what you just thought I said No, we start with still a sparkling water Rod Gilbert well you have a preference sparkling

Oh a lot of hate for sparkling tonight Some nice cheers at the beginning and it just morphed into a boom That was very few shows stay with me. Yeah, they'll be on the six-hour drive. I'm a comedian I'm all I'm hearing really is the booze. Yeah, you know I am no sparking definitely partly because and those of you booed, this'll get you back. This is one in your eye, boos. Partly because, and it's not really, I've been a big fan of sparkling water for many years.

In fact, sorry to bring Sean in, me and Sean have got a song about it. Oh, get ready Sean, yeah. When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink, everything's disgusting, right? When you got cancer in this area and you're having a treatment radio, everything's disgusting. I couldn't drink water, it's disgusting, tea, everything's disgusting except sparkling water. And that kind of got me through.

All things sparkling, so leukazade, sparkling water, I could still drink that. Nothing else. How are you feeling if you booed right now? Yeah. Yeah. Sparkling water saved my life when I had throat cancer. Give us a boo But years before that it's only when I was thinking about this podcast that this occurred to me that we have a song about it Well, you're gonna have you're gonna have Way you're not doing that now

I mean, this is I mean, I mean this is, this is the kind of marital stuff that nobody should ever have to share really. And I think this is essentially why me and Sian are together. Sian, if I sing the verse, will you do the chorus? You can't make Sian sing. Are you okay to do that Sian? Give her a mic. Yeah, give her a mic. She'll try, she said she'll try. Are you going to do that? Give her a mic! Yeah, give her a mic!

She'll try, she said she'll try. We're gonna try? Charlie's got a mic for you, Sean. Where is Sean? Sean, where... Sean, are you... Where are you? Oh, good, she's there. I thought she was up there for a second. This is...

That is not your wife. What the fuck has happened? This is this is not your wife What the fuck has happened This is Charlotte my agent who is sitting with my wife. Thank you. Okay. I Thought for a second there. I had tumbled through the multiverse And not known it. I'm in a different universe where what children a different wife. All right, okay Can we hear you Sean? Hi guys. Sorry about this show All right, I'm going to the verse

So this is the sparkling water song No pressure on this Sean, but this is the kind of stuff, but Nito usually clips up for the best off at the end of the year This may be the kind of stuff I promise you this will not be the stuff Ready Sean, yes She doesn't sound happy Rod, I remember the words I didn't know there was a verse I'm using the word verse very loosely. Okay, I'll get you. You'll know when to come in. All right, okay very loosely okay I'll get you you'll know when to come in all right okay follow me for the challenges no no no I've done beforehand knew that we were gonna ask him what war he wanted can I just point out that we've had this song

going for about 10 15 years can you remember how it started this song like no I can't remember how or where it started no but but there are other people I could ring and we could put them on and they do it as well wow it's not just a thing with us how big does the song start I can't look at you when I do it I can't look at you I go behind the lamp. Get in the lamp. Bit embarrassing doing the song, is it? Just a bit. Here we go. Ma ma na ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma That's what it is. That's what it is. Wow. What do you reckon? Whole audience? Just your standard verse chorus structure.

That is it. Ma, ma, na, ma, ma, ma, ma can keep that mic, Sian, if you want to get involved at any point. Oh, thanks. Thank you. Yeah, that's it. Problems or bread? Problems or bread, Rod Gilbert? Problems or bread? Bread.

Lovely. A lot of cheers there. No booze this time, I notice. Yeah. No, they're waiting to hear if it helped you when you were in recovery. Oh cheers there no booze this time I noticed yeah Trying to hear my workings out though on bread absolutely please We're not just gonna move on rod. You can I'll come to my winner cuz I Yeah, there's a lot of the time tonight where I'm very indecisive right so you've done a tournament for the bread It's a top five top five lovely well five push worry. No

lovely Nothing more to add I think that's a lovely number five I think some people would have it higher some people might not even include it in the top five But I think it definitely deserves a shout out there has to be a non in the top five, okay? to shout out there has to be a non in the top five okay for and this is where I maybe should have done more research but I think it's Turkish puffy bread you think that's what it's called that's that's what they call it isn't it Turkey is it Turkish puffy bread puff Look at the puffer fish. Hasn't he been arrested recently? Those parties got crazy man. Is that what he is now? Turkish puffer bread.

Is that how he got... He kept changing his name and then he went to puff breadie. As if nobody would know who he was if you put Turkish in the front Turkish puff daddy I know what you mean I know that I know the Turkish what's it called the Turkish puffer bread Peter Peter who's making it tummus it the one where you stick your finger in it and it goes It puffs an Angel just for the listener you you were pretending to prod the bread and then you became the bread

Yeah, I was playing both you're playing both roles. Yes. I was playing me in a restaurant put my finger through the thin Krusty wealth or in the crust is it through the thin? What, well, not even the crust, is it? Through the thin, what would you call it? Womb. I wouldn't call it that, personally, but I don't. What would you call it? Yes, no, your finger in the womb. Yes, or hymen, thank you very much, the lady in the audience. So you put your finger through the bread hymen. You put your finger through it, and. And then it ejaculates.

Oh, OK. An angel's ejaculate of steam right in your face. You know the bread. Do you know the bread I'm talking about? I know the bread you're talking about. Yes, I know the one with the angel ejaculate. Come on. What's number three?

No. How would you describe it, then? Yeah, I'm not the one picking you up on it. I agree. Is it like a fresh pitta where it puffs up? I agree with all of this. Have you been doing 300 odd episodes of this podcast and you haven't come across this before? Neither have you, clearly.

You know the bread I'm talking about. It's a big puffer thing. They do it in the clay oven. Okay, Benito's just put on the screen it's called balloon bread, but it's definitely not. Oh, balloon bread, yes. That's what the Turkish call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they call their delicacy bread, balloon bread. No, it is, yeah, if you heard that. She was up like a balloon. She puffs up like a balloon.

Have you not seen it? I've probably seen it. Have you not tried this? I've not tried it, no. I mean, the way you've described it, I will never ever try it. Because it involved the words Hymen and Angela Jackulet. It's only at three anyway. Four. It's only at number four. Number three is a restaurant in New York called the Blue Ribbon on Sullivan Street in Soho that when you arrive,

as an amuse-bouche, they give you a loaf of bread. Warm, homey. As you arrive, and it's quite a late night vibe II sort of them you know it and so how I knew you One person don't know what the fuck they expected me to do with that whistle. Well there we are Someone's lost their dog Anyways when you arrive they give you a look it's a fantastic vibe II be late night restaurant When you say as they are as you arrive so today take your coats and stuff first or no No, they just as you arrive. You know like some restaurants might give you a glass of water or something Yeah, this they give you a loaf of warm homemade bread. It's quite a late night vibe II place I think they know you've probably had a few drinks. Hmm. It's amazing. Anyway, that's number three number two

Yeah, gotta be in any list of breads, I think. Garlic bread. But, but, with a massive but coming. There is a big ass but coming. Okay. A big ass but? A big ass but. Wow.

A massive, with a capital B, kind of B that if you laid it down on its front, the thong would disappear up it. Do you think there's something sexual with bread going on with you, Rose? Kind of be that if you laid it down its front the thong would disappear up it Do you think there's something sexual with bread going on with you rose? Balloon bread is the only one I would have sex with Yeah We've never asked that question before we should start no, let's just add that. Oh, it's the only one I would have sex with That's but hang on you said it's boiling hot That's the only one I would have sex with. That's, but hang on.

You said it's boiling hot. And it immediately deflates when you puncture it. Call me Mr. Common Sense, but I'd wait for it to cool down. But is it not going to subside if it cools down? And also as soon as you make the hole, I believe it ejaculates. So it's done. If you give it ten minutes, it's ready to go again. Stick a film on.

But knowing you, you'll walk away and forget about it. August rolls around, you walk back in the kitchen, oh I was meant to fuck this. Yeah. You're supposed to fuck this at Christmas. Oh it's Sian, I was meant to fuck this bread in New Year's Eve. I'm meant to fuck it. I forgot. So garlic bread.

The big but this time. It's something that really winds me up about garlic bread. Yeah. And that is this. Give me garlic baguette. Give me garlic sourdoughy bread. Give me ciabatta, ciabatta, whatever. Give me a fucking breadstick with a bulb of garlic cellophane tape to it.

Yeah. Give me one of those little breads that they have in church for the body of our Lord Jesus Christ. Dipped in lazy garlic. They'd get more people in if they did that. But do not give me, do not fucking bring me a pizza-based garlic bread. No. Do not bring, especially if I'm having pizza for my fucking men.

Fuck off back through the fucking swingy doors and smash it in the chef's face. No, it's fucking outrageous. It is outrageous that in this day and age when you're having a pizza as your main and they come out with a pizza garlic, really fucking winds me up, seriously. I'm 100% on your side here. Are you? 100%? When it's pizza as the main and the garlic bread is also a little pizza, you're like, come on, guys.

It's not even that little a pizza sometimes. It's almost the same size. And it's often dry as fuck and it's just too crispy. Yeah, I agree with you, Rod. It's like seeing a trailer for the film you're about to see Exactly yeah, I Don't want that back-to-back nobody wants that no nobody wants back-to-back pizzas What did you think about Peter K kicking that guy out of his gig for shouting garlic bread? What'd you figure that? That was actually Roddy just come from an Italian restaurant. Yeah.

He was not connected with Peter Kay's material at all. He was just really angry about getting a garlic bread pizza. He was listed all the garlic breads that he'd accept. Didn't even get to the pizza base one before he got pizza. Well, I mean, he can come to my gig and shout garlic bread, as long as it's not that fucking pizza one. In which case, I will kick you out. We're at the number one now, the number one

your favourite bread that I believe is going to be for your dream menu. This is going to be the one you have for the dream menu, is it? Yeah, the one I'm choosing a bread is a plain white sliced sandwich bread with the right amount of butter, no oils, no vinegars, no whole wheat, no granary, no seeds, no dusting in flour, no artisan. It is a sandwich type sliced white bread with the right amount of butter, not a twirl of

white stuff that looks a bit like butter, the right amount of butter on a normal slice of white sandwich bread. I don't... looks a bit like butter, the right amount of butter on a normal slice of white sandwich bread. Boo! I could feel it bubbling. You could feel it coming. It was popping off little bits in the room throughout all of that. With every detail you added, what? And it took one hero.

Boo! Rod, you listed four wildly superior breads. You got us so excited. One of them, I chose the white slice. Came in your face. Because when I was in hospital with cancer. No, I wasn't. No, I just think, I mean, to be fair, it's best served

with something like sausage, egg, beans and chips. When you get that bread and butter with that, that's not my choice for main or anything, or anything. But when you get it with that, I think that bread and butter there in that role next to that plate cannot be beaten. And I would have with it, if I could, instead of oils and vinegars, little bowls, I would have a little bowl of the stuff that would be left on the plate after that. So like a little bit of bean juice.

A bit of bean juice or a little bowl of salt and vinegar. Egg yolk maybe. Oh, winning them back. Yeah. So you could dunk the white bread and butter in the bean juice, in the little salt and vinegar thing. A bit of egg yolk maybe, knocking around vinegar think yeah a bit of egg yolk maybe knocking around maybe a bit of egg you know with it instead of oils and vinegars I would just have a side plate of where somebody was to say where somebody deepens sausage egg it might

not be me my job in me is it somebody else's plate when they've just left and I was so this is sausage egg bean and chips chips. Yeah, so the grease of the sausage, the bit of yolk, a bit of bean juice, bit of salt and vinegar. When have you eaten this? Last Christmas? Recently, but I would have to get somebody else to eat them. Okay. So you polished them off? Well, just because I'd be too full, yeah.

Yeah. For practical reasons, I would have to get someone in. And are you not... In that scenario, when you've got the sausage and the beans and everything on the plate and you've got the sausage and the beans and everything on the plate and you've got that slice of bread, are you waiting until you've eaten all this to get the bread involved? Because for me, I much prefer getting the bread involved as I'm eating everything else and getting it all in together because that's delicious.

Yeah, I do as well, but I haven't gone for any sausage, eggs, beans or chips in my menu. No, it's not too late to do that if you want to do it. You could have it as part, do you know what? Because you love it so much as an accompaniment, I would be willing, I don't know about you, of letting you have as your bread course, sausage and beans with that slice of bread. I would, for your dream, let you have that.

I mean, it would have to be a little more. If you're going to do that, I mean, there's just no fucking rules whatsoever. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. have that I mean it would have to do that and there's just no fucking rules whatsoever poppadoms or bread sausage egg beans and chips with a slice of bread come on I do sort of prefer Rod's notion of just having the rest of the guests and then wiping the wiping the plate cleaning the plate with the bread. That is why you are on that British menu programme. We do have to love that. Absolute first time a guest has ever done that.

That we've bent the rules for them so they have something nicer and gone without rules where would we be as a society. This is preposterous, I don't want that. I think it helps to work within certain parameters. Yeah, no, you should work within certain parameters. I imagine a lot of the audience would get annoyed if we did things like that. Yeah, for example, if you had to find a satsuma in a sock. Oh, God. Man, you did so well. You were doing so well.

And instead you put a fucking tangerine in one no claims that that was you finding it No, no, no, then how is that even that's not you finding where it is Let me talk you through what happened fucking turn this up Let me talk you through if you want to go there if you want to go there What happened was this? Put the satsuma was it in this find it wasn't put it in the sock find the satsuma it was fine this that's the man was fine find the satsuma in the sock I thought ah I know this satsuma is in the kitchen wait in

the house in the taskmaster house there's lots of stuff lying about I thought all I have to do is go in there get the satsuma pop it in the taskmaster's house, there's lots of stuff lying about. I thought all I have to do is go in there, get the satsuma, pop it in the sock. When they then came out to the judging, I accidentally said tangerine. And fucking hell, the shit I've had for that. You wouldn't think it possible, the abuse I get in the street. Yeah. Do you know, when I was in hospital with cancer, there was one nurse wouldn't treat me because she said that I was refused chemo because you...

Horrible sarcastic nurse. Mr. Gilbert, I know you wanted us to find the cancer, but I decided I'd put some in there instead and accidentally stumble across that. Does that count? We couldn't find anything on your scan. With a little tweak, we've put a few lumps in. Five points. So that's what it was. I said tangerine and of course it was a tangerine. It wasn't, it was a satsuma I put in the song. But you know, it is what it is.

It's water under the bridge I think. It's water under the bridge. Yeah. You often say that don't you? Sparkling water under the bridge. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da And I never have it. I never ever ever ever have it. Big intro. I would never ever order it. Okay. Intrigued to see where this goes Rod. Well, I would never order it because it's never as good as I think it could be in my head.

Okay. And it's going to sound shit and it's gonna, I mean it's gonna get booed like this. It's gonna get booed but it's like it's like a Parma Ham and Melon or Prosciutto and... It's too... yeah I mean I'd boo it myself if I was sat out there but it's never as good as I think it could be so I don't order it. So, on the dream menu, do you want... Exactly, so I want it to its full potential. Yeah, okay.

I want it, I want it to its full potential. And I'll tell you what lets it down, it's not the ham's fault. It's not the ham's fault. What is the... What's up there? Ham. Ham? There's a lady up there called Ham.

A lady called Ham? Yes. That's a pretty name. Yeah, it's lovely. It's not the Ham's fault. No! No, it's the fucking Melon'sons fault has to be by but process of elimination Because the melon

The melon is never like exactly I'm obsessed with melon right although I Googled this before I came on because I had the wrong type of... I thought the melon I loved was honeydew. It's the orange flesh one. But it's cantaloupe. Yeah, so all my life I've got the wrong...

I've called the wrong melon the wrong... Ah, whatever, shoot me. I've called the wrong melon the wrong melon. I've always thought cantaloupe was the one I loved, the orange flesh one. That's not... It's easy to say. It is. It's easy to say the wrong fruit name.

Yeah, so honeydew is the... It's easily done. It's easily done. I think what I have demonstrated is how easily done it is. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what I've done, demonstrated how easily done it is.

What sort of melon do they put with the Palmer ham when you've had it in the past? So it would be what I think of it. So cantaloupe. Yeah. They put that with the ham. ham when you've had so it would be what I think of it so cantaloupe. Yeah Orange flesh. Yeah. Yes. No, that is never perfect It's always like a little too hard or a little but yeah choosing a melon is difficult a Right melon the right ripeness of melon You've got a supermarket and you've got to choose a. When I lived in France in the 80s for a year,

I was doing a French course and I was in France for it. And somebody taught me to, you've got to like, you've got to find the... That's a banana. I don't know what... LAUGHTER There's no melon here. I just reached for the most fruit-like thing and a banana.

You've got to find it. What is it? It's like the anus of the melon G spot. Yeah There's a spot is a G spot like an ain't on a melon one end of it's got a little stalk on the other end It's like an anus. I Honestly, you've got a real problem rod It's got to be a little bit of give on that

Don't look at me when you say that look at me. Yeah Direct it all there. You don't want your thumb to go in. Yeah But you want a bit of give a Bit of elasticity. Yeah, I'm getting that right is really hard. And of course you're not allowed to do that in a restaurant. If you say can I have a little go on the melon's anus. Well this is the dream restaurant Rod. We can bring you back to the kitchen and you can feel as many melon anuses as you please.

In the dream restaurant I'm imagining that you have someone who can, they can take all the anus work out of it for me and bring me the perfectly ripe cantaloupe melon with the parma ham, which I've got no problem with. So they could bring me, I don't know whether I should tell you this. I mean, you've already... This definitely is not going in the podcasts, I'll say that. You've just been prodding melon anuses for about five minutes. I can't imagine what you're about to say next that is going to get you cut out of the podcast. I... we...

Get your mic ready to defend yourself. Get your mic ready to defend yourself. I lost a piece of melon once. Yep. That's all I'm going to say. Was it about your person or about someone else's person? I can't divulge that. Is this connected with you being forgetful? No it was just one of those we've all experimented with we've all experimented in a sort of nine and a half weeks way with food. Don't

tell me you haven't experimented in a nine and a half weeks way with food don't tell me you haven't experimented in a nine and a half weeks way with food at Gamble Gamble by name you've experimented with food in a nine and a half weeks way James A. Custer oh yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely we've all experimented with food. Give me a cheer if you've experimented with food. Wow. They all have. And at the end, we did a food audit, and there was one bit missing.

One of the bits of melon that was there at the start wasn't there at the end. I just love you starting by counting them all. Like an operation. I like to think that the melon was just resting in your anus thinking sweet revenge. It's what you get fording mine in the supermarket? Disappeared? Gone? Nine and a half weeks later I think it came back.

I didn't. Never saw it again. Never saw it? No, I never saw it again. Hide no hair of it. Do you want that to be brought out of the Dream Restaurant? Like someone from this is your life yeah do you recognize this voice Rod?

I'm gonna put that in here! and you haven't seen the melon since that day I believe in miracles! Rod your dream main course dream main course right I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole.

I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole.

I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. I'm a black hole. Maybe that goes back to like there not being enough food to go around. But I can't decide.

So if I'm in a, if we're in a restaurant, I'll make excuses. I'll have a look, I literally wander around. I'll make excuses to go to the loo. I'll make excuses to go and have a look at like a picture on the wall so I can have a look at what other people have, I get terrible food envy and I can never make up my mind. It's because there's a lot of stress. There's a lot of stress. When's a lot of stress or eating out It's a big thing. You want to get it fucking right? So I want to get you know

I want to get the best thing. Yeah on the menu. I don't want to fuck it up and So I I quite often order several things. Okay, is that what you're gonna do today? Then you can order it. So that's what I would do today, but I just What sort of society would we be living in? I would take it a little bit further than I normally do. Okay. So, I've gone for, I might get a boo, might be a bit boring,

but I've gone for, I think as you get older, you just crave spice. I'm not imagining being in a restaurant with you, and I'm so annoyed. Laughter So annoyed. Because even now, every time you get to a point where you think he's going to say a food, you go, oh, just completely fucking ping off in a different direction.

Next time I do your podcast, I'll just fucking print it out and email it to you, you prick. I thought you wanted a bit of chat around the food. Chat, poke, food, right? around the food. Chap has a sprinting out and sliding across to you and you can just fucking read it out yourself. I mean the day where we are able to do that, I can't wait. Just everyone signs up to a mailing list, we just email it to them, that's what he wanted. I like hot food, I like a curry, I've gone really boring, I've gone for a madras.

But, and here's the but, I can never make a, in the madras it'll say description of the madras, won't it, thick, hot, spicy, so on, and underneath it'll say choose from prawn, chicken, beef, lamb, that, I'm not choosing. I want all of the below So I want a prawn lamb beef chicken veg madras Wow That's pretty cool. Yeah, I

Like that every mouthfuls a surprise. Yeah, well every mouthful Well, I haven't worked out whether I want it all in one dish. Because the sauce would be the same, but they bring in different flavors, aren't they? Yeah. So you almost want little separate dishes. I think I'd have to have a separate little bowl of each, I think.

Tiny little ones. So then you can go and flex and say you've eaten every animal. Yeah. Any other animals that you want to put in there, Rod? Well I would have it with special fried rice which has got king prawn, lamb, beef, because I can't make up my mind what rice I want either. So luckily restaurants have catered for that with special fried rice which has just got

everything in it. I like spicy food and as you get older, like when I was in my 20s and 30s, I remember enjoying a curry or a chili or something, but I didn't like put Tabasco sauce on everything and add chili flakes to everything. I think as you get older, I don't know whether your taste buds just get a bit less effective or whatever. I found myself spicing shit up a lot. Okay, after coming through the cancer thing, right, I won't dwell on this, I'll just keep it brief, right, but I was on a feeding tube for a long time. I couldn't eat and I couldn't drink and I was on,

it was five hours in the night, seven hours overnight being fed through a tube, it's pretty miserable, right. So when I was better, you know, thank you NHS and wonderful doctors, when I got better, I decided, I thought, you know, I miss, I'd missed food and taste and eating and, you know, I'd missed life and forget. So I thought, right, I'm going to go and have a curry and I thought I'm going to risk, because I'd also had my gallbladder out. So I thought I'm going to risk having it.

Was that meant to happen? But they meant to take that out was I wasn't part of the deal With but I saw I had cancer and then I also had gallbladder infections and things in gallstone So I do add that as well right on top of it So I was in a bad way, but then when I was when I came through it I I thought I'm gonna go out for a meal with friends, you know What I haven't done and I'm gonna try a curry which I haven't done and I'm gonna try a madras which I definitely haven't done. I got through it and it was fine and I couldn't really taste a lot but it was a nice evening and everything right and then the next day I

said to Sian I'm gonna take the dog for a walk and then about an hour, I walked into the house with Rosie, our dog, on a lead, and I was completely naked. And Sean went, where the fuck have you been? And I said, I've been walking the dog. But halfway home, I started to panic. Halfway home. way home, I started to panic halfway home, and then I started running with the dog on a lead, and that's, well, I realize now that's one of the worst things you can do. And five minutes from the house, I just exploded, exploded into my trousers.

Into your trousers, yeah. It exploded into my trousers. Into your trousers, yeah. And it was coming down my leg and... You know that scene in The Great Escape where they're... Where they're just kicking out the earth they've dug from the bottom of their trousers and it goes out over their shoe and then my dog started eating it. I'm in the fucking road at this point. So I, it's a quiet, we live in a rural area but...

Thank God. I got undressed. Why did you get completely naked? I got, I took my boots off, they were ruined, I threw them in a hedge. You know what? Triangles in a hedge. I understand everything on the lower half you're getting rid of. By the time I got that stuff off, everything else was compromised.

So the act of removing the stuff on the lower half tainted the top part? Yes, transference. Also, in Rod's defense, I think it was weirder to see someone with just a t-shirt on. Oh, this Winnie the Pooh motherfucker. If they're completely naked, I'd be like, well, that's a lifestyle choice. We live in a rural area. Just out walking his dog. But yeah, someone with just a t-shirt.

I threw all my clothes in the hedge. Just in the hedge. Great. And then... Do you have the name and the labels? I hosed, I got to the garden, hosed myself down head to foot with the garden hose outside kind of thing and then came into the house naked with the dog still on a leash. And Sean went where the fuck have you been? So that was my first madras back.

So just to check, you want a madras for your dream? Main course, I know it hasn't put me off. Yeah, that's amazing that it is amazing. Yeah, that's reminded me of a Story that I've heard about you But never talked to you about so I don't know if it's true that I think all comics tell each other the stories It's a funny story and there's like loads of stories of comed true. I think all comics tell each other the stories. It's just a funny story. And there's loads of stories of comedians having gigs that other comedians tell each other, but you never get

to speak to the person. Which one is it? You on stage at the comedy store. Yeah. And the story goes that you had been unwell. Yeah. You went on stage. Yeah. You shit yourself on stage. Yeah. And then you said to the audience, I'm sorry. I'm quite sorry.

I'm going to have to go, I've shit myself. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No. You don't say the bit at the end. Is this how conversation works? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No. Okay.

I did, Charlotte, who is my agent, still my agent. For now. And Charlotte used to work at the Comedy Store, and they used... They were my agents, but the reason they became my agents was, yeah, years ago, I was only doing ten minutes at the Comedy Store, so I was quite at early days of my career. And I had food poisoning, but it's the Comedy Store, right? It's a big... At that point, you know, it's like the gig everybody wants to get, wasn't it? It's a big gig, it's a big store, right? It's a big... At that point, it's like the gig everybody wants to get, wasn't it?

It's a big gig, it's a big exciting thing. Your first 10 minutes, you get to try out in front of Don Ward, who ran the comedy store and everything. And so I thought, I'm gonna have to do it, I'm gonna have to do it. I went on stage and after seven minutes, yes, I had food poisoning and I shaft myself in front of 500 people. Didn't go down the leg and over the shoe. The front row starts eating it.

Just shat myself. And after seven minutes, and you know how important it is, if you're doing ten minutes at the comedy store, they put a red light on for you at like nine minutes or whenever you've, you get off at ten. I think I'd listened to my own. Not 10 and a half, not 11, not nine, you get off at 10, right? Seven minutes, I thought I've shat myself. But I kept going and I did about eight

and I thought this is ridiculous. Come on, have some fucking respect. So I sort of shuffled off through the door at the back of the stage. Don Ward, the guy who set up the comedy, he runs the comedy store, he came back and he went, hmm, you only did eight minutes, my boy. And I said, I'm really sorry, but I've shat my trousers. I don't think I did tell the audience.

But what did happen was I said, I'm really sorry, I've sh the audience. I don't know. But what did happen was I said, I'm really sorry, I've shat myself. And he went, on stage. I went, yeah. He went, and you still did eight minutes. I went, I went, yeah. And he went, have you got an agent? And he signed me up on the back of that, on the basis that I had persevered

And I've been with the same management ever since I Have another story to ask you about rod while we're on stories Is it another shame myself? It's not shitting yourself. It's food-based though and is it true that once you and Greg Davis were doing gigs abroad and you'd been out all night, you know, out all night drinking, and I think you were having breakfast maybe in a casino or a hotel or something. It wasn't a casino, it was a bar. A bar and there was another man who you didn't know who... German guy. Yeah.

So this is true. Yes. Rod, please will you tell the story? So this is true. Yes. Rod, please will you tell the story? We were in Hong Kong, I think, and we'd been, sometimes those gigs can be a bit of a party city and you're abroad and a bit giddy. And we went out there every night and on the final night we thought we can't do it again.

We're just going to do the gig and go have an early night and stuff. And then somebody suggested having a sea breeze cocktail, which I think is like a lot of juices, pineapple and grapefruit and vodka. Anyway, half an hour later, we were flying and ended up on the biggest night that we'd had. And it was about 7 o'clock the next morning. And we were being quite sort of, I think there's one point,

we were spitting wine in each other's faces. It was all a bit, it all got a bit much. It all got a bit bawdy and a bit much, and we were just so drunk and so like, oh. And yeah, I can remember him leaning over me, spitting wine into my face and. And then, yeah, a really vague memory of a German man who got... Every bar we went to, he was there, and every time we walked in, he'd go,

Hello, boys! All night. It's my only memory of this guy. And then in the morning, we went to like a bar that was also doing breakfast, and he was in there over a full breakfast, but just asleep. So his face was about six inches from the breakfast, but just asleep. So his face was about six inches from the breakfast, and bit by bit me and Greg just went up and took a piece. So I'd go up and lick a sausage and then Greg would go up and like it.

You know when you see a cat in a cartoon taking a rash of a bacon out and it just sort of slides across the plate. And then you stop because you think he's going to wake up, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, and we lit and took it and then he woke up and there was a completely empty plate of it. But yeah, happy days. Your dream side dish. Well, I am a big fan of potatoes. But again, I can't choose.

Dream restaurant, why should I have to? So if we go out, if Sean and I go out, I will frequently, and I do do this, I will frequently not just have two or three mains, but I will frequently have two or three sides. Right. So for example, I think the last place we went out was somewhere like Coat, right? And I will have a steak or something, but then I had chips, mash, and patata,

dofus noires. So I will frequently have mash, chips, and potato dofus noires. And the thing. Yeah. So what is this? In my dream restaurant, I would lob in potatoes bravas, something in Wales that we call tato flats, sort of thin, sort of pan-fried potatoes, maybe a little bit of garlic on them maybe. So I would have five potato side dishes.

Very popular. I agree with you. But no other kinds of potato. You've got the little pots of curry with different meats and vegetables. Yeah, I think I've got a special fried rice from... Oh, we've got a song about this. No. Have you actually?

Have you actually got a song about this? Well, we've got a song about a Chinese restaurant in Kermaden. Okay, can we just... Charm? I'd say, someone saying, I've got a song about a Chinese restaurant never ends well. Yes. We're gonna go to Magic Walk, we're gonna go to Ma-Magic Walk, we're gonna go to magic walk. We're gonna go to magic walk You'll never guess which takeaway it is

Is that the tune of a bet you Sean is to join it in by they were gonna go to man What tune is it though? It's the tune of Animal Hospital Yeah, that's the tune the theme tune of Animal Hospital. Oh, we're gonna go I think that was actually in our wedding vows That song was in our wedding vows. Yeah, what the shit wedding honestly? Well, you just repeated that like you had no memory of it whatsoever Right, you are in a home. What did I do and said that was in our wedding our wedding vows?

What did I tell you you wife Just completely naked again. He's a forgetful guy. During the wedding, he walked out and then forgot what was going on. Yeah. Forgetful, I told you, forgetful. So, I'd forgotten that was in our, I'd forgotten that song was in our wedding. Who, Sian, was it you or Rod or both of you who sang it at the wedding?

We didn't sing it. Somebody quoted it. Who? The celebrant. The celebrant said, and do you vow to go to Magic Walk? We're going to go to Magic Walk. She said something like... We're going to Magic Walk. Do you...

What was it? Do you promise to love each other forever even though you sing the Magic Walk song? That's lovely. That's the sort of thing. I'd remember I reckon Love you forever fuck off Never said that Baris immune from your palladium Give me a puffer bread

Gonna shag it so I feel like a man again. You bend over. You pass me a melon. Bloody humiliating. What's your, what's the best dishes at Magic Wok? Well, it's shut in it What an awful it's not even still open and also it's not even my favorite restaurant in Camarga My favorite Chinese restaurant in Camarga is the quang yick where I had my first

Chinese food when I was a teenager unless your favorite restaurant It's my favorite takeaway Chinese my favorite sit-down Chinese, now that's a different question if that's why you're asking. My favorite sit-down Chinese, we call it happy birthday Chinese, is because they do a birthday, boy do they do a birthday. Every 90 seconds a fucking birthday Like planes into Heathrow happy birthday And they're not just the way not just the owners or the waiter

It is the kitchen staff come out the place kicks off. I've been going there for 30 plus years is that magic walk no for 30 plus years is that magic walk no no this is Maxim in Northfields in London same guy same two guys run it they've been there since the 90s little Lloyd Langford And I used to go there back in the 90s when we lived around the corner still going I'm still we still go there. Don't we love she's gone Still go there especially on a birthday. They love a birthday. Plus, they've got a cake that is a unicorn cake that they bring

out sometimes that is, well, I mean, it's just a cake with a dildo stuck on it. It's not. It's not. It's a unicorn cake, but it looks like it. When they first brought it out, everybody thought, why are they bringing out a cake with a dildo on it? Oh, it's a unicorn cake. I said, no, it's quite sweet.

That's my favorite sit down Chinese. Why are we talking about this? Hang on, let me work backwards. Magic Walk, song about it, wedding vows, back before that. Side dishes, how do we get onto this? My side dishes are all potato based. Oh, man. This is actually quite a tragic episode really. I honestly have no idea how we...

This is more confusing than Inception. Just going back through the layers and trying to find how the hell... It's like Memento, isn't it? It is like memento, yeah. All of Christopher Nolan films. You said you were going to have fried rice as well, Rudd. Oh, yes. So I think I, yes, I got it. I got this, everyone.

So I'm going to have a plate of special fried rice, probably from Maxime, because I'm sitting down, probably some Maxime in Northfields near South Ealing in West London. Then I'm going to have a little pot of Prawn Madras, Beef Madras, Lamb Madras, Chicken Madras, Veggie Madras, with a side of chips, skin on, and fries, mash, potato dauphinoise, patatas bravas, tato flats. I like that. Lovely.

It's quite a busy table. It is a busy table. Luckily, they've got a lazy Susan in Maxim. I can just keep it going. Would you like it to be someone's birthday if you're in Happy Birthday Chinese? It's always someone's birthday in Happy Birthday Chinese. Whose birthday would you like it to be? I feel like I've got to say yours now.

I don't think you do. I would like it to be my lovely wife, Charles. Love you forever, baby. Love you forever, darling. We do go there every birthday. I was going to say once a year. Yeah. So you go for your birthdays as well?

Yeah, we do go for my birthday. And so you've had them since happy birthday. But we were last there on Charles' birthday. Do you go there your birthdays as well? Yeah, we do go for my birthday. And so you've had them sing happy birthday? But we were last there on Sian's birthday. Do you go there twice a year? You go there twice a year? We go there more than twice a year. We go there whenever there's a birthday, but only once per birthday. Because we don't just go there for my birthday.

He said once a year before. No, we go there once a year for Sean's birthday Once a year for my birthday, and then sometimes other people I Wasn't no one thought you were going there twice a year for Sean's birthday That'll be fucking insanity rod Time for visit to happy birthday Chinese So you go once a year for Sean's birthday. Once a year for your birthday. Any other times?

Yeah. Are they people's birthdays? Yeah. Whose birthdays? Well, lots of our friends, Greg, for example, they also enjoy it now. Once I took Lloyd Langford, who I'm not sure if you know Lloyd Langford, he's a great friend of ours and a wonderful comedian based in Australia. But I once took him there.

It wasn't his birthday, but we told him that it was. That fucking. Your dream drink, Rod. That's a hard. It's too hard. Yeah. It's too hard to have one drink that goes with all the courses. Yeah. Can I have a drink with each course? Yeah Yeah, we've let people do that before we've done it before we chose our menus a parity

Seabreeze to get me in the fucking mood. Yeah If I'm gonna eat this hot I am gonna need some energy from somewhere and that stuff not only Red Bull nicked it gives you wings sea breeze gives you wings and Crows feet Sea breeze gives you crazy and crows feet. Yeah wings and crows That's how much you fly when you're on sea breeze. How much do you think the feet are the thing helping the crow fly? It's less less wind resistance With crows feet than there are

with a big old pair of trainers like that for example. Yeah you think about that. I can't argue with that if a crow was wearing my trainers it wouldn't fly as fast. Good luck flying with them on Ed. You stick them on a crow and see and see how well it flies. Yeah I'm'm sorry do you think you're gonna fucking fly because you're not not wearing them well you think you can still fly with them on yeah fuck and dream yeah fuck enjoy man you are dreaming what we're talking about this fall wants to fly the sea breeze gives you wings. I wish I could fly. This is fucking China's. And they're garish.

They are garish, yeah. They're garish. That's the crow talking. Don't shoot the messenger. Yeah, that's his crow character. The crow says some very mean things. You'll have to forgive the crow. What colour are a crow's feet?

What colour are a crow's feet? Yeah, purple. That was fast. Morve. Morve? Morve. Morve. When he looked at me, I said purple. He looked at me like I'd got it slightly wrong. So I went for morve. I don't know if that's true. I don't know what color a crow's feet are. Crimson.

Crimson, thank you. It's quite garish. Rod, you wanted a sea breeze because it gives you wings. Sea breeze, a pair of teeth. A pair of teeth. Then, what are we on to then? Sparkling water throughout please. Yeah. A fizzy water.

What's next? Uh, starters. Yeah. Forget it, I'll be too busy looking for the melon. Already, this is absolutely pointless, this hack. Never before. Can I have a drink with every course by the starter? Forget that.

Don't want that. Actually, I'm not going to put my main either. I've got more important things to worry about. What was next? Mains? Or like a cobra or a kingfisher with a curry? Yeah, kingfisher, yeah. Which one though? That's an important choice. The cobra or kingfisher.

I can't tell the difference. Is there a big difference? Between a cobra and a kingfisher? Don't think a cobra can fly, mate. And it doesn't even have feet. Cobra. Cobra, lovely. Yeah, good on you. Is that the right choice? I love cobra so much.

That's the curry done. Oh, that's it, so we're up to... So you've had one drink. You basically added one extra one. Sea breeze. Sea breeze. You've had a sea breeze and a cobra. That's all. Sea breeze, sparkly water, cobra. Sparkly water you already had in the water.

So is the cobra your dream drink or do you want to add another drink? That's a difficult question. Can't I have a dream drink with each course? Have I misunderstood the... It's people walking out. I'm going, fuck. Fuck this. I did not pay to see somebody try and grasp the concept. See you, Sean.

Love you forever I didn't understand the question. No, I think you're fine because you wanted to drink with every course So we're fine. We saw it apart from starter. So we got the sea breeze. We got the sparkling water We got a drink on my start. Yeah, lovely. Yeah. No, we're we all remember that forcing drinks on people Now you basically what I want you know people who force drinks on people that you would like an aperitif is what you mean yeah oh no because I love a different drink with my dessert oh yes I'm something to look forward to when we

eventually get to dessert yeah when we eventually get to dessert. Should be any time now. Why is your dream dessert? Might as well. Instead of when people are leaving for their trains, we should probably say, the dream dessert while we're here. If it would help people with public transport, I can skip dessert. No. They won't be able to sleep tonight. Some people have flown here from America.

Why? Your dream dessert, Rod Gilbert. Some people have flown here from America. Why? Your dream desert Rod Gilbert honorable mention honorable mention to affogato Lovely and a damn blanche What a pardon a damn blanche. I don't know what that is It's like a friend. It's a french ice cream dessert with vanilla ice cream and Chocolate hot chocolate so it's very simple, but done well very good

It would have been two years ago would have been a really nice rice pudding with a skin but being ruined for me because This is gallbladder related Not me this time. Worst. Yeah, so much worse. Where's this going? Someone else's gallbladder has ruined food for you.

Yes. So context, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, been fed by a tube, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, in hospital. Eventually had my gallbladder out, was able to eat again. Day one of being able to eat, I ordered in the hospital a lovely rice pudding, but I was on a gastro ward with approximately 35 people, all with dicky tummies. So my rice pudding arrived and I was happily eating away and then the guy, whose name I won't mention in the bed next to me, pulled his alarm thing, and nurses ran over, whizzed the curtain round, and I didn't see what was happening.

But when you're one meter away from three people lifting a man onto a commode, you don't need to see much. And that man, that man absolutely just... You know that Dumb and Dumber, you know that scene in Dumb and Dumber? I was eating my ice cream, all I could hear, one... I could reach out and put my hand on his shoulder through the curtains. All I could hear was... Nurse!

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! the most prolonged... You wouldn't think that it was possible to fart for that long without any... So I... I was in the middle of my rice pudding. This is one metre away. When you say fart for that long with no... It was...

Well, without the noise stopping. Okay, I thought you were saying there was no shit. I wish I'd started timing it at the start. I thought you said I wish I started timing it at the start I thought you meant he was just farting no no no he was on a commode exploding but with one sustained day where that can is but there was just a curtain between us and I was sitting in my chair with this rice pudding so I grabbed my UV, my IV, not UV. You wanted to see if there was anything else. I grabbed my IV drip and took my rice pudding and shuffled out and went in out of the ward into the corridor.

And I ducked into the toilet where I ate my rice pudding, standing up, not in the cubicle, just standing leaning against the sink. Just I ate my rice pudding. Can you see yourself in the mirror at this point as well? No, I had my back to the mirror. Okay. And then when I came out, I finished the rice pudding, it was quiet in there, there was nobody else in there, it was great.

And then when I came out, immediately to the right of where I was, there was like a day room with a comfortable chair and a TV on and people watching. People eating rice pudding, watching bargain until whatever there was. So it's not rice pudding? No. No. God, no. Weirdly. But was that an honorable mention? No, it didn't get an honorable mention.

Yeah, it didn't feel very honorable. I said two years ago it would have been rice pudding. Yeah, okay. Honorable mention, affogato and damn blanch. Yeah. My winner, and I'm going to have to read this because I've wrote it down. I'll tell you what, I would say that if I'd experienced that story you just told,

Afogato and Dan Blanche would be out too. My winner, I don't know if anyone is going to have heard of this. Give me a cheer if you've heard of this. It's Torija de la Baquera con helado de mantecado. Have you really? Someone else over there. No. Someone over there has?

Torija. Torija. See. I had one last week. Where? In Spain. Story checks out. Don't get cocky. I had fun last week. Where? In Spain. Story checks out. Don't get cocky. Where in Spain? Malaga, where I live.

You live in Malaga? Yeah. You're flying here for this gig? Is anyone here from England? Yeah, I'm here for all four. You're here for all four of them? Yeah. You sad fucker

Thank you, we appreciate your custom I mean, thank you and welcome you came on you own obviously Don't worry Rod won't be here tomorrow Hey, Juan Juan, do you fancy flying over to the UK to watch the same show for nights in a row? No Well, it is not gonna be the same show tomorrow night man You know, you know what? I mean, you know what? I mean? Tony can see do you like it? Loved it. How would you describe it? That was kicking off at the back what it's like it's like it's like it's like a good ready right I've printed I googled it because I wanted to know what

it was it's the best thing I've ever experienced. Okay. I had my... Sorry, Sian. LAUGHTER Those vowels go down the toilet pretty fast. Sian was there too and she would agree that it's the best thing she's ever experienced. Would you not, Sian? When was this? LAUGHTER Uh-oh.

Right, listen, listen, there's a problem. There's a problem here. There's a problem You don't you're not recognizing the name toriha But if I said to you that kind of bread and butter pudding we had in Alicante served in a cow Sing the song Was it served in a cow the one that was served in the China cow? Yeah. Yes. Okay Not making any bells, Rod. Yeah, that was really nice. It was served in a China cow.

Really nice. Yeah. Yeah, she doesn't. What we've established tonight, Rod, is that you and your wife share no happy memories. We went to Alicante. We went to a restaurant called La Taberna del Gourmet. I will pay for you both to go there to try this. It's a bit like... Sorry, what?

Yeah, I will. Don't listen to Sian, it's quite nice. It's not quite nice. This is what it is. It's stale bread soaked in To go there I'll pay for you both to go there to try this dish. Okay, I Will pay for you to go there hotels try this dish and you will come back and you will honestly you will you will never Be the same again Well, do you know we've shut. We make our own money now. I know, but I want you to try it. It's on me, a gift.

Thank you. A gift. This is what it is technically. Stale bread soaked in citrus-infused custard slash milk, fried and sweetened. It's sort of a cross between fried bread, creme brulee, bread and butter pudding, French toast. It is fucking... And the one I had, we had, was served in a china cow, with a little pail hanging off its horn,

and the ice cream was in that. Elado is ice cream, so it's called Elado de Manticado. Manticado is like a egg-based, custody, vanilla-y, nutmeg-y, cinnamony ice cream. It is fucking mind-blowing. Yeah, that's the most beautiful. It is quite nice. Quite nice. We raved about that dessert. We had a song about it. It is the most remarkable thing I have ever had in my mouth and I've had mouth cancer.

Well, I hope you gave the chef that compliment. I said, this is the most memorable thing I've ever had in my mouth, and I've had mouth cancer. Gracias. Well, I've had, I think I've had this, I didn't know it was called this, but when I was in the Basque country, I had basically exactly what you've described, but with a different type of ice cream, and it was my dream dessert when we last did our dream menus it was your dream dessert yeah it was the I just said there's the French toast that I had in that place but it was like brulee on the outside it was definitely

like soaked in like a lemony thing in the middle it was like scooping ice cream that the French toast it was was so soft and smooth. It's incredible. There's footage of me eating it with Joe Lysett and both of us are dancing as we're eating it, not trying to be funny. It just is making us do that. It wasn't served in a cow, which I'm gutted about now to discover that that was an option, but I agree it's phenomenal.

And apparently that place, shout out on the the podcast obviously Joe and I went there for travel man and some friends of mine went there to Have the dessert when they were on holiday and as they were ordering it the waiter was like And they went you're right every English person fucking orders it is Because that's travel man show they keep on coming in and ordering this we'll keep making it all the fucking time that That's why it's so good. That's why I said I would like to I'll pay for you all to go there We're going to Alicante What an end to the show if we got a trip for you guys That'll be the highlight of that one.

Yeah, the whole plane is there, the airspace comes down going, what would everyone like to drink? Fizzy water! It is, you will just ejaculate immediately. Fantastic. Like an angel. The whole restaurant was. Everybody was just ejaculated everywhere.

Wowee. Everyone. And you don't remember this, Sian? How do you not remember this, Sian? How do you not remember the Just In Kidd restaurant? You remember the restaurant with the arcs of Spunk? It was like that tomato festival with Spunk. Sounds memorable.

And you don't remember it? Bloody hell. She remembers it. She just said it was quite nice. It isn't quite. I cannot express to you how wonderful it is. It is. Also, with it, I would have a jug, I would have a pint of cream because a pint, a pint of, when I was a teenager I used to go, my first girlfriend and I, when we, just in that

teens where you get, you start to drive, drive you forget a bit independent you start to go out for meals together rather than with your family and we were both really into cream and we with everywhere we went whenever dessert we would order like a jug of cream with it and I still absolutely obsessed with cream any cream whipped cream single cream double cream sour, creme fraiche, you name a cream I love it. Squirty, anything. Sun cream? Yeah, I'm right behind sun cream.

And is the pint of cream your drink that you're having with the dessert? Is there a what, sorry? Sorry, it's my urinate, sorry. Oh we know, but it's still funny. Or is the pint of cream? The drink that you're having with no no well, it's asking you about the drink rod Bruce Forsyth is married here, you know What drink would you like my old school chum Prefects together we were me and Bruce a

I'm gonna read your menu back to you now Rod and see how you feel about it by the way the drink with dessert is the two bottles of Bailey's in a bag of ice anyway the bug of rice and what you're fucking doing it back of ice. And what are you fucking doing it now? Bag of ice, son. Bag of ice. What was a bag of rice? I thought your mum was making it. Fit for a king. You would like sparkling water. You would like plain white sliced sandwich bread with the right amount of butter and a little bowl of the stuff that's left on the plate.

You would like Parma ham and the perfectly ripe cantaloupe melon. Main course, parm lamb, chicken, beef, veg madras in separate bowls and special fried rice from Maxim. Side dish, mash, chips, skin on fries, skin on and fries, potato dough from Wurz, potatoes bravas and tato flats. Tato flats. Tato flats. Pretty Tato Flats. Tato Flats. Are you sure I said that? Looking forward to hearing you do the dessert, James. Let's really hear it as well.

Drink a sea breeze as you repair a teeth and a cobra with your curry. Dessert. Here we go, quiet everyone please. Toraja. No. Trieija. No. Torija. No. Torija.

Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija. Torija.

Torija. Torija. No, no, no, no. De Brioche. De Brioche. De Brioche. De Brioche. Conjolado de mantecado.

De mantecado. De mantecado. De mante Brioche, congelado de mantecado, from La Tepana del Gourmet in Alicante. You know, I said I'd like to fly you both there. Yeah? Can I definitely come with you? Fuck me, I want to hear this abroad. Absolutely, Rod. You can come with us. And you'd like a pint of cream with that.

And two bottles of Baileys and a bag of ice. The off-menu menu of Rod Gilbert. Rod Gilbert! I think it's a fantastic menu, Rod. The only person who's picked a main course that made them violently shit themselves. Yeah, it's interesting that that didn't put me off course that made them violently shit themselves. Yeah it's interesting that that didn't put me off but the guy in the next bed Thank you for coming everyone. Bye bye. See you tomorrow. Bye bye. Thank you so much. You've been brilliant.

There we are James. What a night that was with Rod. What an absolute treat. Thank you so much Rod and thank you to the audience as well. Yes, thank you Rod for not saying Battenberg. We could keep you on the palladium grounds Yes And it gives us an opportunity to remind all of you listening that Rod is on tour now with Rod Gilbert and the giant grapefruit Including a date at the event in Apollo Hammersmith in London on the 12th of June Rod Gilbert comedian.com for tickets

But he's not the only one doing live shows James. No, we are as well We're bringing off menu live the tasting menus to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026 go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets. I'm buzzing James. I'm buzzing for the Royal Albert Hall shows They're gonna be cray cray, but if you just want another taste of us alive We are releasing the rest of the Palladium shows on the first Monday of every month in the order that they were recorded So stick around because in May on Monday the 5th of May, Julian Clary, baby. Bye!