Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 291: Julian Clary (Live in London)

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

We’re back with another b-b-b-b-bonus episode from our West End run in March this year. And our special guest is Palladium royalty and ‘Taskmaster’ star Julian Clary. Julian Clary is on tour now with ‘A Fistful of Clary’ including a date at the London Palladium on 17th May. For full dates and tickets go to julianclary.co.uk Follow Julian on Instagram @julianclarycampcomic Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the London Palladium.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Huge news from off-menu towers, James. Big announcements! We've just added extra dates for off-menu live, the tasting menus at the Royal Albert Hall. We will be there on Sunday 15th March 2026 at 2pm. Sunday 15th March at 7.30pm. It's on Sunday 15th March, two shows, 2026. Tickets from RoyalAlbertHul.com and Ctickets.com It's a nut- oh okay just go ahead and do it man I'm getting ready Go on Getting ready Do it just go straight in.

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- Very excited. Yes, our special guest is the wonderful Julian Clary a true national treasurer Wonderful night. We're honored to be On Julian's turf really the palladium is performs there a lot. Just the panto there We're very honored to share the stage with Julian No, obviously it's another one of the the shows the live shows where they'd already been the first half We talked to the audience a bit. So maybe we'll back reference. Yes, some stuff. It won't make total sense, but it'll still be a laugh It'll still be a laugh. It mainly makes sense I would say that my intro at the top of the live shows does relate to a menu of the audience members in the first half So if you're like Ed's lost his mind, yeah

I haven't I haven't in context that is actually great The audience also helped us choose a secret ingredient for Julian as well and if Julian says the secret ingredient as in if he includes it in his menu we would have kicked him out of the palladium. Yes, could you believe that you can't kick Julian out of the palladium. You can't do that. You can't do it. Mint. Terry's Chocolate Orange. Yes, very. I didn't even know there was a mint version. Yeah, they're not popular, I don't think. And it was a popular secret ingredient choice in the room. I think it was a good one to go with.

Will Julian say Mint Terry's Chocolate Orange? Hopefully not. But Julian is on tour now with A Fistful of Clary, including a date at the London Palladium on the 17th of May. So for tickets, go to julianclary.co.uk. Well, let's get on with it. This is the off menu menu of Julian Clary. Live at the Palladium on the 17th of May. So for tickets go to julianclary.co.uk Well let's get on with it. This is the off-menu menu of Julian Clary Life at the Palladium Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the soft-serve ice cream of conversation Adding the tongue of a dying man

Who you hate of humor So no other elements to that really are there no you really went in it all in with the details It's a it's a dying man Setter ice cream at McDonald's podcast. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Casser. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest. We ask them their favourite ever star at a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is...

Julian Clary. You all know Julian Clary. You love Julian Clary! CHEERING You all know Julian Clary. You love Julian Clary. He's absolutely fantastic. A national treas, James. A national treas, and you all know the secret ingredient, the opposite of a national treas. So keep that in your head, and if it comes up...

I mean, we haven't had to do this in a live episode, but we're going to kick Julian Clary out of the... You've never had to do it properly face to face, have we? Only once on a Zoom episode. Yes, so, you know, we'll see what happens if it happens. Yes. Fingers crossed it won't. I mean, Julian is at the Palladium so often, I think we would be the ones who have to leave. And rightfully so. Kicked out like Fred Flintstone. Yes.

You know? Yeah, I know. When the- I know. It's them who don't know, yeah, I know when the I know Then we don't know me. They're not the other ones not bad. No, they don't know Alex Mac I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. This is the off menu menu of What a thrill. Thank you. It's a thrill for us, Julian. You look fantastic. A lovely outfit.

What a lovely outfit. Yes. Well, it wouldn't do for us all to be the same, would it? Just goes to show we do allow the occasional heterosexual into this building. You never know when you've got a wardrobe that needs shifting. This is a real buzz for me. I come to see The Panto every year, Julian, so to be on stage with you is fantastic. Oh, how lovely.

Thank you. Yes, it's a buzz for me as well. I don't know who is who. Are you James? Yes. And you're? I'm Ed. Ed Gamble. Ed, yes. I've interviewed you before, Julian, for the Taskmaster podcast, but don't worry about that.

No, we did speak, didn't we? Yes. We had a cheery chat. And when I knew I was coming on this, I listened to an episode. But you can't, when you're just listening, you can't tell you apart. Yeah, it's quite difficult. One of you has got a slightly wearing laugh. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Yeah. That's me. It's sort of jabbing at you, isn't it? Nice to know everyone agrees. Anyway, I'm here now. There it is. Didn't do that on purpose? No, it was completely natural. James, we should stop properly if the genie could get in position.

Apologies. Yes, if you would like to rub the lamp, Julian, we would love that. Yes, certainly. Is this a highlight? Come on out. Welcome Julian Clary to the Dream Restaurant for being funny for some time. Thank you. Now, can I just say before we start, it's a sort of pre-warning. I had to go to an osteopath yesterday.

Yes. And we didn't get on very well. He asked questions like, have you ever had a sports injury? I've never been so insulted in my life. I'm a renowned homosexual. But there is an issue with my back. And what he said, this is all true. He said, what you mustn't do is just sit still for a long time.

And he's given me this exercise. I have to tilt my hips forward and backwards quite often when... So if you see Ed or James... Thank you. If you see me silently thrusting into the air, that is why it's not some sort of auto-erotic experience. If you see me silently thrusting into the air, that is why it's not some sort of auto-erotic experience. It's on osteopaths' urges.

So I wanted to get that out of the way, and now I'm ready for your exciting questions. I mean, in between every course we discussed, feel free if you want to stand up and move around and do some exercises. You're very welcome to. But he didn't say anything. It's just that. Just that. Okay, good. We could all do it if you like.

It's good for everyone. No, I'm not doing it anymore. No. Top marks for you. No, I'm not doing it anymore. Top marks for you. And if you're just listening, he was talking to me, Ed. And you're here too. I'm fucking steamy.

I'm fucking steamy, I'm frasped. I'm absolutely fried to a crisp over it. Are you a foodie, Julian? Would you consider yourself a foodie? Well, you know, I do eat, obviously. I can't cook. I don't think it's a good investment of my time. So my husband and I, we just sort of eat stuff

that doesn't take long to prepare. But we go out sometimes to eat. So, yes, I'm not really a foodie. No, I'm not. I'm not a connoisseur. No, that's fair. We don't have to be a connoisseur on this podcast. No, we do other things with our time,

like ironing our t-shirts But it's what again for extending an olive branch Don't have to be a connoisseur. Yeah. Yeah, you look like shit It's okay I just I just I was quite the villain in the first half. So we'll start with still a spark in water, Julian. Do you have a preference? Well, I don't really, because I don't drink much water when I'm out.

I read somewhere that it's not good for your digestive juices. Because if you, no it's true, if you dilute too much, they can't do their job. So to be polite, I would say still water, but I wouldn't actually drink it much. Is that popular? Popular choice.

Very easily pleased, aren't they? Where did you read that water is bad for your digestive juices? Somewhere on the... Because I suffer with acid reflux. And I was reading about things to avoid the, you know, sudden retching. I don't know why I'm looking at you when I said that. James, but no. Yeah, just for the listeners.

James. James again. Ed. James. One syllable. Two syllables. What? I'd go with the one for James. That means you're not thinking of me as James in your head.

I'm having trouble hearing him. Yes, because he's from Northamptonshire. Oh, I've been. I did Panté there. Eight long weeks, yes. God bless you. Durngate. Sorry? Durngate is a two syllable word. Durngate. It's Durngate and Royal isn't it? Yes. Yes I was at the Durngate. Yes, happy days. Start the car. So yes I did read that too much water doesn't help your digestive juices if you suffer with acid reflux.

I don't know. I've never heard that before. No, it's never come up on the podcast before. And we've done nearly 300 episodes. 300, I know. And somehow all 300 have passed me by. I can't understand it. I feel like a mouse who keeps going for the same piece of cheese. John the Mouse.

John the Mouse. Pop-a-dums or bread? Pop-a-dums or bread, Julie and Clary? Pop-a-dums or bread? Is that pop-a-dums or bread? Is that poppadoms or bread? Very well done, yes. Yes, I think... It's quite wired, aren't you? Yeah. Had a little livener in the interval.

I can't leave! I like bread, but I like bread, but I think bread and I think I quite like all those breads you know you can get with pecan nuts in and is it called artisan bread? Yes. Yes? For me it's more about the butter than the bread. It is. And I was once at a very posh dinner party with posh people from the fashion world.

OK. I mean, and it was very just so, everything, you know, the right knife and fork and all that. And the final course was cheese. And there was this lovely cheese. And I said to the host, I'm really enjoying this soft buttery cheese. He said, that's the butter.

And I'd made a show of myself, Ed. How much of the butter did you get through before? Most of it. Because, you know, it wasn't in a dish or in a wrapper. Wasn't that sort of, but it was on the same wooden thing as the cheese on the side. And somehow you're supposed to know the difference. They're all more or less the same color, aren't they? Are people from the fashion world eating cheese

or do they just sort of look at it? Probably they just looked at it, yeah. And you ate all the butter. I respect that, Julian. So for your bread course, would you like to eat the butter on its own as well? No, I mean I like I would spread it quite thickly. Mm-hmm. I'm talking in code Quite generous with it But there would be a cracker involved

We could have you ejaculated. So there's a cracker involved? Yeah, with the butt. I wouldn't do that. Popping off all over the place. Oh dear. Well, it's been lovely. Your dream starter, Julian. Yes.

I have a choice of two. Is that alright? Yes, let's hear both of them. We can try and narrow you down on it. Well, the first one, I used to live in the same village in Kent as Paul O'Grady. And he used to invite me over for dinner and I went over one making up their own jokes now. I think it's because you're quite

coquettishly rubbing the inside of your thigh. Yeah. I didn't even know I was doing that. Sort of self comfort I think I think. That's not something the osteopath told you to do. So I went round, Halloween it was, and there was a selection of people. His manager and my husband and Paul's sister Vera. Anyway, he served us pumpkin soup. And the next thing I knew, I woke up in a field surrounded by sheep. And that soup was enhanced. Something I put in, he denied it, you know, the next day because I had no memory of the entire evening.

But something was put in that soup, but it was very Moorish. LAUGHTER So that's one choice. LAUGHTER The laced soup. The laced soup. Yes. Enhanced pumpkin soup. Yes. The other choice is...

Have you heard of a cheese called Deux de Montagne? No. Well, I haven't until about... I think it's a Spike Lee film. What? You said, have you heard of a cheese called Do De Montagne? And I said, I think that's a Spike Lee film, because there's a Spike Lee film called Do The Right Thing. It didn't... Lee film because it's like Lee film called Do the Right Thing. As I was saying it I was

like you can't even hear you James. Why are you going for a pun that barely works? Yes. That also requires knowledge of Spike Lee's filmography. Well it was worth a try. Well, it was worth a try. You know... These things, they can be edited out. It won't be. Not now. Dude-a-montagna. Yes.

A couple of years ago, I was... I was invited to play the part of Herod in the Jesus Christ Superstar musical. It's a great part, Herod. You're only on stage for three minutes and 20 seconds. Although from the back of the stalls, some people thought I was a Melda Staunton. But there's a lot of sitting around in your dressing room wiping down surfaces, you know, waiting for your three minutes.

And my hobby when I was on tour was to go around wherever I found myself to Marks and Spencer's. Because, you know, they're different in each town or city. And I was in, we were in Manchester, and I was in Marks and Spencer's, collecting my bits and bobs, vegetarian lasagna, pop tarts for afters. I don't care who knows it. And I made my way to the till,

and I don't... This will surprise you. I don't go for the shortest queue. I go for the most interesting looking woman on the till. I don't go for the shortest queue. I go for the most interesting looking woman on the tail. And I found this marvelous looking woman with dirty fingernails and tattoos up her neck. I thought, oh, yes.

She'll be good to chat to. And the man in front of me in the queue was very elderly, probably in his 90s. I mean, it's Manchester, so you can't really tell. But he was quite dodgy, and he was getting his bits and bobs out, and I thought, shall I offer to help? And I thought, no.

LAUGHTER It'll give him a sense of achievement. Anyway, he did what he had to do, took a while, and they put it into his little string bag and tottered off. And then it was my turn. And I was so busy talking to this woman who was telling me how she'd slashed her husband with a Stanley knife. And you fucking deserved it. Speak to me like that, you bastard.

And I wasn't really paying much attention. I put my items into my Louis Vuitton shopping bag. And I got back to my digs, put them on the draining board. What do you think? There was an item there that I hadn't paid for. This old boy had left this due de montagna cheese behind and I'd put it in with my shopping. I felt terrible.

But I wolfed that cheese down. In one sitting and it was delicious. So to get to the point, you could deep fry due de montagna cheese. So that's my other alternative. Amazing. Would you like that cheese in the dream menu to have been stolen from a 90-year-old man? No, that's just how I discovered it.

I mean, God bless him. If he hadn't left it behind, I would never have discovered. It's lovely. It's got a sort of nutty flavor. Laughter Creamy and nutty. It slips down, James. Laughter You'll thank me for that. You try it.

If you had it deep fried before, did you deep fry it the first time you had it? No, I've never had it deep fried. But you're just imagining. That's how I might enhance it. Because people, you do that in restaurants. They deep-fry cheese. I think they cover it in breadcrumbs or something. And you get a little, what is it you have with cheese,

that sort of fruity compote? A coulee? Security. I don't know. I'm paralysed here. A chutney? A chutney sort of thing? Oh, where's my... Oh, just in a can. Wait, could you open that for me? Times I've said that.

Yes, that's open. Is it? How should you open that for me? Times I've said that. Yes, that's open. Is it? How do you drink it then? It's already open. There's a little bit there. It does not surprise me, Julian. That Julian Clary's never drunk anything from a can before. I've had those bottles with a sort of nipple.

Yeah. So which are you thinking of going for? You've got the enhanced pumpkin soup. You've got the deep-fried, due to montagna. Well, the trouble is, if you have that soup, you never get onto anything else. Yeah. Sort of game over, as I recall.

So I'd go for the old man's cheese. So I'd go for the old man's cheese. Your dream main course, Julia. Oh, right, yes. It's a sort of stew made with fish. I have an aversion to meaty stew because of a childhood trauma. When I grew up in Teddington with my two sisters, my father was a policeman and my mother was a probation officer and They had a lot of heated discussions

About politics and things anyway, they had one of their discussions and they weren't getting on well and my mother made a stew and It was really hot day I remember none of us really wanted to eat it and we sort of pushed it around our plates and I remember none of us really wanted to eat it and we sort of pushed it around our plates and Left it and she was furious and so she got up and she got everyone's plate and she scraped all the stew Onto one plate and my father was sitting at the head of the table With this open-neck shirt on and as she passed him she scraped it all inside this I, good for her.

And we would say it was such shock. I mean, she didn't plan to do it. I've discussed it with her since. She's never done it since, but it was heat of the moment. And she said it was very satisfying. And I was about six. My sister was eight and 10. And they burst into tears. And my mother and I laughed. So I can't really look at a meat stew.

But there is a sort of fish stew. James is vibrating. And it's sort of southern Indian I think, quite coconutty and it's delicious. Where have you had this fish stew before? There's a restaurant called Namaste in Parkway in Camden Town. Have people heard of this restaurant? Someone went, yeah. Have they had the fish stew have you had the fish stew no They've missed out no anyway, that's my answer to that I Sort of want to ask more questions about when your mom scraped the stew down your dad's shirt, but yes Don't know if I should Julian

Have you ever met anyone and thought, present company excluded, that you would like to scrape a stew down their shirt? I am quite like my mother. I do impulsive and unkind things sometimes. And I've got the same sense of humor as my mother. It's quite sort of withering, and we do require a victim. Laughter

Be it, you know, I used to work with a little dog who, not she wasn't a victim, but... Laughter The butt of the jokes, or a pianist, or somebody. So what was the question? No, I've never actually. How do you choose your victim if, say, you're

being interviewed by two people? What's the instinct that draws you to one person or another victim-wise? I don't know. I mean, I'd probably go on the weaker bonus structure. But, I mean, you mustn't take that personally because... Yeah, don't take it how could I When you interviewed me on the taskmaster thing, yes, which you remember which I remember But but you were there with your lovely bone structure then. Thank you. And I was quite rude to you, wasn't I?

Yes, very rude. So that's just how it happens. Just One of the requisites what lovely teeth you have. Thank you I can help Have a little suck through this slot I used to have much better. You saw me pre pandemic. I looked good. I lost it all during the pandemic. You look great now, James. Weak bones. I just wait for the mine. I think it's the... I feel bad. Oh, just wait for the mine, I think is the... I feel bad now. That's bad.

There's no reason why you couldn't get tattoos as well. Up my neck, cut my husband with a Stanley knife. Dream side dish, Julian. Ah, there's something called ladies' fingers, isn't there? Yep. Yes. Which, I like the sound of it. I think it's potato is it? It's okra I believe. Oh is it? Okay. Right. So they can get quite they can get quite

slimy is my only complaint about ladies fingers. I feel slightly nauseous. And what is okra? Vegetable? Vegetable, yeah. Okra, okay. And rice, of course, you'd have. Yeah, it'd be very nice with a fish stew, wouldn't it? A bit of rice.

What kind of fish is in the fish stew? Indian. Indian fish? I think they have fish that we've never heard of. Like jack-off fish or something. Jack-off fish? Something like that. You seem to be inventing words that you can turn into innuendos. Is that legal?

Are you allowed to do that? It's a gift And I'd say every year I come to the panto I think your innuendo's get more and more close to the bone What yeah, it's fantastic We can't see it last year. You made not even in you and in your endo just a joke about poppers You made it I think you made an animal night trade joke I think you made an Amel Nitrate joke. Did I? You did something like that. It was very full on and I'll be honest, I laughed very loudly and you turned to me

in the audience and said, thank you for laughing. Yes, well there aren't many. There's no children come really. So it's not, you don't have to worry about that. And they wouldn't know what Amel Nitrate was, would they? Anyway. Is there anything that, I wouldn't know what amyl nitrate was, would they? Is there anything that, I don't know how involved you are with the script writing of the panto every year,

is there anything that you've tried to get into the script that even they've gone, no you can't do that, should you? Yes. And I think it was, there's, was it, is Dick Whittington said on a boat? There's something on a boat. Yeah, no, no, doesn't he? I can't remember.

He's walking, any? I can't remember one year from the next, but there was one year there was a boat scene, and I wanted to make a joke about semen on the deck or something, yeah. And in the, after the dress rehearsal, the producers came and said no. But I got it in the next year anyway. Well, no, I got it in when I was cast as semen Smee.

I mean, please. So I write my own scripts. And so I had every time Jack came on, he said, Siemens me, and I said, not just now, thank you. So great. The one that I remember was, I think the first time I came to see it, you were talking about a circus and said that the human cannibal shot all over the Ringmaster's back, which... I don't think I said all of it. Look, I'm not a pro. I'm not a pro. I used to be the human cannonball. I used to shoot over the Ringmaster's back.

There you go. You seem to get a bigger laugh than me. Based on where it was going, I think by the time you did it... He came to speak? Is it another filmic reference? So, side dish? You're thinking maybe rice? Yes.

Maybe... Ladies' fingers? Ladies' fingers. Any other options? You're thinking maybe rice? Yes. Maybe? Ladies fingers? Ladies fingers. Yes. Any other options? Some mango chutney probably. Do you have that with fish? I don't know if you do.

You could do. It's your dream meal if you think it would taste good. Yeah. I would be advised by the waiter, I expect, what would go with the... That's me though. You're the waiter. Yeah. So would you trust me if I advised you, like, what side dish to have?

Yes. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't though. You're the waiter. Yeah. So would you trust me if I advised you, like, what side dish to have? Yes, I don't not trust you. Oh, good.

How would you feel if you walked into a restaurant and James was the waiter? I'd give him a big tip. We appreciate the eye contact. Thank you. You haven't asked about any alcoholic refreshments? Does that come later? We normally ask drink next, but would you like different drinks with every course? Well I'd like an aperitif. Of course course what would you like for your aperitif? A vodka martini. Lovely. But it would have to be made by Nigel Havers because when

we're here doing the panto every year Nigel's also in it for reasons no one quite understands. And he is in dressing room five, I think. But every year, bless him, he brings his own little mini freezer in to keep the vodka. And the key is you put the martini glasses in the freezer as well. And anyway, he makes the most amazing vodka martini, which after the second show, he brings me to my room with a couple of cheese straws in the top pocket of his perfectly pressed shirt. Do you like it dirty?

I've got a semi. Yes. We just completely abandoned innuendo. My penis is semi erect. No, I'm, I do like, he doesn't do a dirty martini. Yeah. It's with a twist, but I have had it dirty, and it slipped down a treat. So for your dream meal when you arrive for the aperitif, you would like Nigel Havers's martini. Yeah, because I understand.

I can have anything I want in this sort of fantasy world of yours. And so, yes, I'd like Nigel Havers there. Do you want him there for the whole meal? Oh, no. He can serve. No, you don't want to talk to him or anything. Just bring the martini and then walk away backwards.

Havers is clearly, is he the victim of the Panto cast? No, he is, yes. That's how it works. I'm going to end up in a support group of Havers. Me, Havers, a pianist, and a dog. You could be the next Nigel Havers. Play your cards right. So any other drinks?

If you've got the aperitif, do you want other drinks throughout the meal? Yeah, probably some wine. I don't know anything about wine really. I like it when it doesn't taste of anything much. So I put lots of ice in it. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Sauvignon Blanc. And I like a nice pale colour. I don't like it when it looks like a urine sample, like Chardonnay. You know, like a nice pale one. How much ice are you putting into a glass of wine? Depends on the size of the glass. But one large piece of ice, yeah. So we're going for a very pale white wine, a huge bit of ice in it,

so you can't taste the wine at all. So you're just necking it. It's the effect rather than the taste. No, I'm not necking it. It's the effect rather than the taste. No, I'm not necking it. No, but I'd sip it, you know, throughout. Very nice. So is that your dream drink, is a glass of white wine with a big ice cube in it? Haven't we just been through this? I mean, Julian's got a point there, James. Yeah, I know.

I'm just painfully aware that this is a live episode. And currently, we've done 35 minutes, and there's one course left. Well, we've not asked Julian about the setting of the restaurant yet. Where does he want to be? Where the, you know, what do you want the restaurant to look like, Julian? Oh, really? Yeah.

I hadn't thought about any of this. I don't like restaurants where you're too close to the table next to you. I was once in, I think it's still there, Lescargo in Soho with my mother. And there was a quite young woman and quite an old man on the table next to us, and it became apparent. Did someone just whoop that? Yeah, someone swooped an old woman, a young woman and an old man, they were like, woo! Yeah, whoop indeed.

They had clearly been having an affair, and she was saying she'd had enough and and the relationship would come to a natural close and this man started crying and we were gripped you know we couldn't have our own conversations we were too worried about them but preferably I'd like to be away from from other people and lighting suitable for the over 60s. What's unsuitable lighting for the over 60s? Too harsh, too bright.

Yeah. Too neon. Yeah. I don't really like music playing. And what were you playing in the interval? That awful. Yes. That's Benito. Benito picked that.

Benito made that playlist. All the songs have something to do with food. And the first tour date we had, he went, come up to us and went, have you noticed the songs? They're all... You notice any link between them? And we had to be like, oh, their food base bases. Is he the tour manager? He's the producer of the podcast. The little funny man. Now which one is the little funny man? We've got multiple little funny men who work there.

He described what they look like. Well, one little funny man met me outside when I got out the car. It's probably Paul. That might be Paul, who's our tour manager, and my tour manager when I go on tour. Oh, you go on tour? I go on tour, yeah. Oh, no. Gens, I don't like it. I'm in the crosshairs. Suddenly, my cheekbones are feeling razor sharp.

Howell, what's your tour called? I've just finished a tour called Hot Diggity Dog. One of my favorites. See, I've just finished a UK tour of that. Tell Julian about the controversy surrounding your poster. Oh no. I put some posters on the tube. Well, I didn't. I paid some other people to do it.

And the poster was me eating a hot dog. Ah. Woo. Um. And TFL wouldn't put the posters up. They banned them because they said I was promoting junk food. So we changed the photos.

We Photoshopped them and replaced the hot dog with a cucumber. And they put them up. While retaining the, for those who want it, sexual innuendo. Of something phallic in your mouth. Happy days. What's my turquoise? A fistful of clary. I wasn't banned. Lovely. Yeah, so you met Paul outside and then Benito is... The other funny little... The other one.

Yeah. Hasn't seen daylight for a while. Benito. Yeah. Exotic. Do you go on tour? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, I go on tour sometimes Very good tools stand up comedy shows

As soon as I volunteered that information of but why did I do that? What did I throw that out there? Absolutely, that filled five minutes, didn't it? It should be pointed out as well when Julian arrived today and we met Julian for the first time You'll pick your first words to us were so this is about is about 45 minutes, is that correct? And we were like, no, like an hour. You were like, hmm. How long is it edited down to? Well, it's normally edited down to an hour,

but this one we're just gonna have to play two of the bits twice. This'll be the first episode that gets edited up. This will be the first episode that gets edited up. Well, I could pad it out with one of my lovely songs. This is the other thing Julian asks us. Julian says, and then at the end do we do a finale? I'm used to, normally this building is full of, you know, ensemble chorus, dancers, and all of that, and the feathers, and the sequins. And so I'm used to sort of finishing things off as it were.

What do you normally do? You just say, see you up, go down the pool. Yeah, we do. We finish the episode, so we'd do dessert, and then James would read the menu back to you. And then we'd sort of get everyone to clap, and we'll do a photo at the front of the stage. And that normally seems fine, but now I

feel like we need to do something else. Ah. I've got a lovely song called Sometimes Life's a Cunt. I have a funny song called Sometimes Life's a Cunt. Yeah. Written for me by that well-known family entertainer, Gary Wilmot. You didn't bring a backing track with you or anything? I didn't bring my backing track, no. Can you do it acapella?

When I'm in my favorite restaurant or local... Oh, that's another song. Well, that one seems more appropriate for the show, Jimmy. That seems to be the perfect song. When I'm in my favorite restaurant or local greasy spoon or perhaps I take a takeaway back home. That's all I can remember. When I'm in my local restaurant or perhaps a greasy spoon or perhaps I take a take away

back home. I find every... I can't remember. Was this, was that the cunt one or is that a different one? It's the cunt one I think. I get out. Because there's another song called I Love a Knob. And the two get mixed up in my mind.

Do you remember how any of I Love a Knob goes? No. I get out. It's literally... I mean, I don't feel bad saying this because of everything you've said to me, but I feel like we're visiting you in the home. LAUGHTER There was, what about a knob? I don't remember it now. I don't.

When I'm in my favourite restaurant, LAUGHTER or local greasy spoon, or perhaps I take a takeaway back home, I find every meal I eat, well, it's simply incomplete. Without a knob, a tasty knob of butter, that's my treat. I love a knob. I love a knob in my baguette, sometimes a knob, da da da da. Fantastic.

What a song, what a song. Amazing. And that, you know, you do, you love, you love butter. We've already talked about this. Yes, there you are. It's all coming together. It's all coming together. That's absolutely perfect.

Thank you. Your dream desserts. Oh, yes. Pavlova. Is that acceptable? Yeah. Yes, with all those nice bits of meringue and fruit. And have you ever had a dragon fruit?

I don't think I've ever actually eaten a dragon fruit, you know. Very nice. I would specify that I want dragon fruit on it, because it's lovely. I feel with dragon fruit that it looks so impressive that it can't possibly taste nice as well. Have you heard that before? That's the spirit. Well they come there's white or there's pink and they both tasted more or less exactly the same but there's just very very

aesthetically pleasing. How often are you having dragon fruit would you say? As often as I can. Yeah, they sell them in the health food shops, but they don't always have them in. So sometimes you have to make do with, what are those little red things? Pomegranates. Pomegranates. Yeah. Do you want those on the pavlova as well?

Yes, I'm going crazy. Do you make pavlova at home? No. I think you have to beat up egg whites and then put it in the oven. Do you do cooking? Now and again, yeah, I do cooking. Do you do cooking? Not really.

No. Even less, Ed does a lot. I'm not, not really. 47.58. But... You whisk it up. No, I don't do it myself. Is there somewhere where you've had the best pavlova that you would like to have for your dream meal? You go, I want to go back there and have the best

pavlova I've ever had. My mother used to make a nice pavlova, but of course, she'd be a stranger to a dragon fruit. There was no such thing in the 70s when I was growing up. Yeah. Well, there was such thing in the 70s when I was growing up. Yeah. Well, there was such thing, but you'd have to go to dragon fruit country to find it. It's more door. It'd be tinned peaches in my day.

But no, homemade pavlova by my mother in this fantasy restaurant that I just can't wait to visit. At the end of the meal, would you like your mother to tip the remainder of the pavlova down your dad's shirt? It'd be lovely. So you've done 300 of these. How many homosexuals have you had on? Did you know I'm gay?

I mean, we've got time to probably figure out. Benito, will you just quickly go to iTunes and work out how many homosexuals we've had on the podcast How many would you guess we've had there's this little sweepstake before we find out the answer three Three if you had Claire balding on no We've not had Balding. Any others? Claire Sweeney?

Claire Sweeney. No. Christopher Biggins. Thank you for doing them in alphabetical order as well, Jimmy. So you only know three other. Claire Balding isn't. No. Claire Sweeney isn't a lesbian. Oh. So that was a test and we failed.

Spot the lesbian. Spot the lesbian doesn't work if you whoop yourself. You ruin the game. Where are your shoes from? Oh no. They're Nike shoes. Are they? Yeah, they're Freddy Krute. Oh fuck. Julian just noticed my shoes had done a double take.

Like, I may as well have been wearing two shits on my feet. The way that Julian just absolutely horrified when he saw my shoes. A couple of Cornish pasties down here. LAUGHTER Yeah. I was about to completely save your bacon as well and let Julian know these are Freddy Krueger themed Air Max, Nike Air Max. Yeah. But Julian's trainers are more similar to yours.

Yes. So I couldn't see that really. And I was sitting here going, please, please don't look over here. And then... It was too late. You've had some wear out of them. Yeah, yeah. I had a bit of wear out.

Benito's genuinely counted, by the way. He says, I think, 30. It feels like more than that. So one in ten. Is that right? It's not even the actual stats. That's bad Is that good? He's put is that good He's put is that good there. He wants you to say if that's good that we've had 30 out of 300 I've been gay who's asking this but he told the one who you said doesn't look like he's seen sunlight in a while. Yeah, tell Benito it's very good. He's done very well. Yeah.

On the gay front. Who was your favourite homosexual out of those? Thirty. Present company accepted or excluded? No, you could accept me. Oh, you, 100%? Well, of course. Yeah.

Of course you, of course you Julian Yes Of the others yeah Flyers just landed on you have you had Miriam Margulies we've had Mary Julian. There's a fly on your shoulder Is that it's a fly on your shoulders just landed there it goes. It's gone over It's got sliced in half by Ed's jawline. Yes, Miriam Margulies. We've had Miriam Margulies. She was great. Did the conversation run dry with Miriam?

Rylan. That's that person's favourite. I can't believe we've genuinely got to the stage where you're shouting out the favourite gay guests on that moment. This is good, I feel proud of this moment Ted. I feel proud that we're in... Huh? Anthony! Anthony Pirovsky, yeah we had him on Queer Eye of course.

Sue Perkins of course. Oh now you're talking What six more minutes Tom Allen of course we've had Tom Allen on Rosie Jones Jeff foster care foster Q. This is the weirdest auction I've ever been to. This is a great moment. We'll put this out during Pride Month.

Be nice. I'm going to read your menu back to you. Just so you know, you've obviously got to the end of your menu and avoided the secret ingredient. Would you like to know what it was? I heard it all over the tannoy. And I was never likely to have said that anyway. I've loved every single second of this, Julian I say well Dorito or whatever his name was Should have come and turn the turn I off Dorito should have turned the turn I off yeah

Dorito neglected his duties once again You know the great Dorito neglected his duties once again. Fucking hell. The great Dorito. Oh my goodness. Julian. Yes. I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You were like still water. Correct. Which, looking back, I wish we'd asked more questions about that.

It's never too late. Pablongza bread you wanted artisan bread with pecans in it with thickly spread butter and a cracker. Starter the old man's deep-fried cheese. Main course southern Indian fish stew from Namaste in Camden town seems a lifetime ago doesn't Side dish I guess we didn't really pin one down It was even ladies fingers lady fingers. Yeah, but he's not ladies fingers lady fingers I think it's ladies think ladies lady fingers in it. I think it's lady Ladies fingers lady lady or lady fingers. Lady or ladies. Apologies, Benito. Dorito, I apologize.

Rice or mango chutney? Those were the three choices. I feel like you can have all of those for your dream meal. Yeah, I think you don't just have to have one. No, the ladies' fingers and the rice and the mango chutney. That sounds absolutely delicious. You want a pair of teeth at the start. Nigel Haver's vodka martini with a twist.

I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time.

I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit of a hard time. I'm going to have to have a little bit, the ladies fingers. Yes. And the rice and the mango chutney. That sounds absolutely delicious. You want a pair of teeth at the start, Nigel Haver's vodka martini with a twist and he can back out of the room and not stay for the meal? You want a very pale white wine with one large cube of ice in it as your dream drink and dessert she would like a homemade pavlova by your mother with dragon fruit and pomegranate in it then tip down your father's shirt That sound good sounds lovely exactly what I want Absolutely fantastic Julian Julian Clary everybody! Julian Clary! Thank you so much for coming everyone!

We'll see you again if you're coming again! Thank you so much for coming! Bye bye bye! Thank you so much! Bye bye! There we are. Oh man. How about you just recovered? Yeah, James has just recovered from being absolutely obliterated by Julian. It was over a month ago and I've just got out of hospital.

But thank you, Julian, all the same for coming on the podcast and for not saying mint Terry's chocolate orange if you cheated and heard it on the tannoy. Yes, because you'd heard it on the tannoy, of course. Yes, but thank you so much for coming on. That absolutely killed me, that. Yeah. Julian is on tour now with a fistful of Clary, including a date at the London Palladium on the 17th of May.

So for tickets go to JulianClary.co.uk. He's also of course back starring in the London Palladium Panto, Sleeping Beauty from the 6th of December. For tickets go to PalladiumPantomime.com. I'll be there. And a reminder, we're bringing Off Menu Live, the tasting menus, to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026. So go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets. See you in a bit. Bye. Bye. Hello there, Off Menu listeners. It's me, Amy Gledhill and you might remember me from my

episode of Off Menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash and I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you were in the studio audience at the time. Who can forget? But that's not what we're here to talk about. No. Northern News, our podcast, is coming back for series four. And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast. No way. We're two Northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest, most bizarre local news from up north. Things like?

Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bathmat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children And we're joined by special correspondents every week Like you one and only Ed Gamble who you might have heard of You'll remember him from this podcast, the one you're listening to now Yeah He hosts it Yeah

Co-host He was on my episode of Off Menu Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was in the non-broadcast channel 4Pilot I did as well. Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy. Yeah. So that's Northern News starting next Thursday, the 1st of May, and then every Thursday after that.

Join us.