Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 293: Stacey Dooley

Episode Date: May 14, 2025

Presenter, author and actor Stacey Dooley has a booking this week, and she’s expecting fuss, fuss, fuss. Stacey Dooley’s new book ‘Dear Minnie’ published by BBC Books. Buy it here. Stacey is also starring in the touring production of ‘2:22: A Ghost Story’. For dates and tickets go to 222aghoststory.com Follow Stacey on Instagram @sjdooley Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, smashing up the meringue of conversation, mixing it with the whipped cream of humour and adding the strawberries of friendship, James. Eat and mess. You definitely don't eat a mess before. Yeah, I probably have. You always tell me it doesn't matter if I've done it before. That is a gamble, my name is James A. Caster. 300 goddamn episodes.

Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week. Total albatross, this whole thing. We invite in a guest. And we host their favourite ever. You just say the same thing every episode. Start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is... Stacey Dooley! Stacey Dooley, a wonderful broadcaster, James. Broadcaster, author as well, writer. Browsersers? Browsersers? Oh yeah, now we're making fun of the way I say broadcaster. You didn't even say it, you went broadsersers?

Yeah, yeah, what did you do? Eat a mess again, mate. At least, you know, I'm having to come up with something new every time. And yeah, sure, maybe I've done eat a mess before, but I barely remember what I've done yesterday, so don't put that on me. And you've said in the past, doesn't matter, just do... Because I panic about it, and you're like, just do what you've done before, it doesn't matter. And then you cut, you're not even saying broadcaster properly.

Listeners, I have touched a nerve. Stacy Dooley has her... I'm one giant nerve, mate Listeners, I have touched a nerve. Stacey Dooley has her book. I'm one giant nerve, mate. Of course you've touched a nerve. Dear Minnie is out now, Stacey Dooley's new book. Sorry, yes. Conversations with Remarkable Mothers. Remarkable Mothers.

Mothers. Remarkable Mothers. Very excited to talk about that and learn more about that book. Yes, and also find out Stacey Dooley's dream menu dreams. Yes however if Stacey Dooley says the secret ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable we will have to keep we will have to kick her out of the dream. Leave all that in Benito because I want people to know yeah that this guy's coming for me and he can't even say the things that he says every week properly.

Yeah I can't you say the same thing every week. No, I don't. You always say he's a mess. Don't always say he's a mess. He's lasagna now and again. Done that more than once. Definitely. So I've got one hot leg today.

Is that normal? You having a stroke or something? Up my top, top of my right leg feels hot. It feels hot in me. When you say today, is that been all day? All day you have one hot leg? That's bad. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe Google that Benito. What is it Benito? Blood clots, poor circulation or skin infections? It's not circulation. It's not skin infection. So it's blood clot. Blood clot. And this week the infection. So it's blood clot.

Blood clot. And this week, the secret ingredient is mini chedders. Mini chedders. Mini chedders. The book is called Dear Mini. So we've gone with mini chedders. Yeah. Um, Benito would like it, uh, as a point of record that he is, um, a ched head. Yeah.

I'm a ched head as well. I love mini chedders. Yeah. You two are both ched heads. But he is saying, Oh no. I'm putting his head in his hands. Is it you checking head symptoms again? Benito's very tired of producing this podcast.

Yeah. But he can't afford to quit. So he's trapped in it, but he's not happy about it. He's not happy. Well, listen, it's time to smash it. The meringue of humor and stir in the cream of friendship. Add in the strawberries of comedy. Humor and comedy? I wouldn't do that.

Huh? You've already said humor. This is the off menu menu of Stacey Dooley. Welcome Stacey to the Dream Restaurant. Very excited. Welcome Stacey Dooley to the Dream Restaurant. But it's been here for some time. Jess, that's the energy I was after. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm actually made up. I'm slightly put out that it's taken this long to get on this pod. Really? You've been trying for ages, have you? I've been trying for such a long, long time, begging them, begging them, calling every morning. Well, I didn't get food to us, Stacey. Yeah.

I think it made it to Benito's inbox. Benito is the gatekeeper. Yeah, I'm sure. Well, I'm here. Thank you ever so much for having me. Sorry about that. We'll have a word with him afterwards. Sometimes he can be a little bit, a little bit tricksy.

A bit slow. It's not the slowness. He's devious. He's a... It's malice. Yeah, it little bit tricky. It's not the slowness, he's devious. He's a... It's malice. Yeah, it's malice. It is malice. And if it was his way, the only people we'd have on our roller coaster designers.

Yeah. Oh, fine. Yeah. I don't know a huge amount about the design of roller coasters. We'll need the Dewey. We need the Dewey because we don't talk to them. We refuse to interview them. Yeah.

So we will never know. But he loves them. He's always like, come on, this guy did the first big dip. Now let's talk about your new book. Dear Minnie. We were waiting for the release of Dear Minnie until we had you on. That must be what happened. That's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Love her art. I know. It sort of does what it says on the book. It's not, do you know what it's like when they're sort of back and forth and you're flirting with the idea of a third book? You're like, what are we going to write about? You know? And then the obvious topic to try and unpick was motherhood, parenthood. But it's such an over-saturated market, innit? You know what I mean? It's like, there's thousands of books talking about parenthood. So, and I didn't want it to be too earnest and I actually don't

have any of the answers. So I thought, well, is there a world where we just ask other mums what they're doing? And just put it onto them. But they were a delight, actually. So the premise is really straightforward. It's loads of letters from mums all over the UK, and they write a letter to their kids. And I'm delighted actually, I'm thrilled with the... I think that's good as well because especially with something like parenthood, if one person is saying, here's how you do it and this is my advice, everyone goes, well, who are you to tell me that, you know, I've got my own things going on. So it's good, you know, you're

getting opinions from everywhere. And I think if it had been sort of focused solely on my experience, it wouldn't have been like massively representative. Do you know what I mean? I'm so mindful. Like my pregnancy was, you know, relatively straightforward. I fell pregnant, you know, there was no real issues there. My birth was sort of fine. So I thought, actually, that's so not the case for so many mums. Of course, yeah. Um, circumstances are different, et cetera. So yeah, I'm just, I'm really made up that the mums agreed to contribute. It's a nice little read.

And dear Minnie, not Minnie Mouse. Not Minnie Mouse, no. Cause I think that's why Benito's agreed for you to come on cause he loves Disneyland. Oh, sorry. No. You got excited. Minnie Dooley, my daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's, I'm completely, do you know what I never thought? Mini Dooley, what a great name.

Yeah, it's a good name. And I never thought I'd be like this. I never thought like, I was never hugely maternal. You know, some women, it's a sort of non-negotiable, but the minute she came on the scene, I'm just so, so starry eyed. It's like the best, best part of my life is being a mum. I love came on the scene for a kid as well. Yeah, yeah. It's so tweezy even to say that. Like it's the best part of my life.

She's really wicked. That's good. That's good. So people know they're going into this book and they're going to read a little bit about how excited you are to be a mum. It's not, she turns up, she's an absolute pain. Yeah.

Although, do you know what's funny, right? It's like, I never thought, I didn't think like I would be that mum where all she does is talk about being a mum, but actually here we are. That is what I've become, unfortunately. I'm ever so sorry. I think it's the best way around to be those days. I know nothing about roller coasters, but everything about two year olds. When she grows up, you need to learn a few things about roller coasters. It's absolutely right. Minnie Dooley is going to jump on all those roller coasters.

I know. We took her to Disney before Christmas and obviously Minnie Mouse was the big event and they come around when you're having breakfast or whatever, the characters and Minnie just could not believe that she was stood opposite Minnie Mouse. She just could not believe it. And it was actually beautiful seeing all the kids or whatever like, so made up, yeah. It's weird, when I've been to Disney,

it's been me and my girlfriend and we haven't had kids with us. Fine. The most uncomfortable part of the day for me is when those characters get involved. I know what you mean, yeah. And come over. You weren't at the breakfast though, were you?

You didn't do the character breakfast. My partner went to the breakfast, not knowing it was character breakfast in our hotel. She was like, do you want to come to breakfast? I was like, no, I'm knackered. I'm staying in bed. She comes to my house, she's like, it was a character one and I've got my photo with Mickey and everything. And I thought, but you're on your own, the character breakfast.

It is interesting adults going to Disney without children. Yeah. But that is a massive market for it. It's fun. Don't come for the Disney adults. The actual theme park is great. It's the characters that I'm just like, when they come up to you, I'm like, mate, come on. It's just not for you. I know that you're a grown adult in that suit. Please go away. It makes me too uncomfortable.

I love it. I sort of get it. To know you're in there. Yeah. Waiting for a ciggy break after time, aren't they? Yeah. I was like, I don't want to interact with you. Be like, oh, hi, hey, hey, Pluto. How's it going? That was me. I was so lame. So the parade's all kicking off and everyone stood there.

But how cringe? I called Pluto goofy. I got Pluto goofy muddled up. So I'm screaming, Pluto, Pluto. Kev went, that's goofy. I was like, oh, I'm so out of the loop. Yeah. That looks like that doesn't make you look good.

No, Vivian cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Disneyland Paris is the best one to see characters who've clearly been on a ciggy break. Sure. We went to Disneyland Paris and there was Jack Skellington. Am I saying that right? Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas. Oh, fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was great. And he was like meeting everyone like massive energy. And then he's just waved and walked off like someone shepherded him off.

I was like, oh, no, I wanted to meet Jack Skellington. Ten minutes later, someone else comes back out in the costume and they were like, just they couldn't have given a fuck. You're like, what has happened? It looked like something really awful had happened to Jack Skellington halfway through. He just came out and was like, yeah. Three minutes that he disappeared. Yeah. There you go. I like meeting the characters.

I'm always excited to meet Donald. So who do you go with? My wife. Yeah, just you two. Yeah, yeah. There you go. I like meeting the characters. I'm always excited to meet Donald. So who do you go with? My wife. Yeah, just you two? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She likes all that. Yeah.

It's like a big retro thing for her. Sure. Like it's like pure nostalgia. Yeah. And you know, I'm happy to say I was excited to meet Donald. I think Minnie is the nicest name from the Disney universe to name a child. Yeah. Minnie Dooley is a great, great name.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Good. Or Donald. Yeah. Well, not anymore. Certainly not. No.

He's ruined it for everyone. Not ruined. Surely the duck is not going to change his name. The duck won't have to change his name. I don't trust that duck anymore. Are you a foodie, Stacey? Well, I love eating. I love, love, love going to restaurants, but I'm not massively in the know.

So I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you about certain cuts of prosciutto. I mean, that's not my scene particularly, but I do love a bougie restaurant. I think that still qualifies as a foodie. Yeah, I think so. Yeah? I think so. Okay. We very rarely get into the weeds of different cuts on this podcast.

Well, that's perfect. That's good news. Fine. I can just tell you what I like to eat if that's interesting. You got yourself a deal. Welcome to the podcast. You got yourself a deal, Stacey Dooley. Foodie Dooley. Foodie Dooley. I'm not massively fussy. I'll sort of eat anything apart from pigeon.

Why? Why is pigeon the one? I like we're ruling out stuff at the top of the episode. That's good. I mean, I will eat pretty much anything. I will try pretty much anything, but I'm just have a bit of a phobia of pigeons. And I know it's not the pigeon that you see, you know, in Southeast London flying around. I know it's like a kind of country, wood. Yes. They're not the ones like with fucked up feet. No, that's what I'm thinking with like two toes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But still, it's just not my thing. So that's the piss that does that. Sorry?

That's their piss that does that to their feet. Did you know that? No. They got very acidic urine and it burns their own feet away. Peds. Yeah, that's true. It's all right. You're not having pigeons. So I didn't know that. Google that catch up. I don't see the guy for a piss. Hold on. Now go one time left. Geez. Wow. That is interesting. Yeah. If it's real. I don't know, you know. That's a pester does that. You're not sure, are you? Benito's kind of shaking his head.

He doesn't seem to... I'm not lying, I heard that. And you know, in the modern world, you don't know what's real and what's not, right? So I prefer to take everything as fact. Yeah, yeah. That's generally what's happening in play, isn't it? That helps. We always start with still of sparkling water. Always sparkling for me.

Always? I don't really mess with still water, which is why I'm dehydrated so much of the time. I exclusively drink sparkling water and builder's tea with a dash of oat milk. Sparkling always. I think if there's a dash of oat milk in there, it ain't builders. Yeah I know what you mean. What builder is asking for a dash of oat milk? Modern builders, come on. There's vegan builders out there I'm sure. No, I've never met a vegan builder. Sometimes I do feel

sort of slightly annoyed in myself when I'm sort of you know I'm in a place where there's obviously not a carton of oatly. And I'm like, Oh, have you got any oat milk? I think I'll shut up. Do you know when I last did that? Millwall in the Millwall cafe. Imagine. The football ground? Yeah, I lived in broccoli and I was, we were near Millwall, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, we were having a curry there and I said, Oh, can I have a cup of tea? Yeah. I said, if you've got any oat milk, she went, no, no. Which is totally totally fair enough. Yeah. So I just said, I'd like to.

Surely Millwall needs to get some oat milk in. Millwall? Yeah. No way man. Should be modernizing. No way. You're, you're, you're lucky that Millwall football club is currently as civil as it is.

You're lucky man. They're going to get oat milk. Am I right Stacey? Well, last time I was there, I wasn't able to get a cup of tea with oat milk, which is obviously completely outrageous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm actually completely addicted to tea. It's sort of ridiculous. There have been a couple of occasions where I've had to try and wean myself off and I've been like an addict, like coming off like headaches, like throwing up, like throwing up. Yeah. Wow. That's embarrassing. Actually. Why did you feel like you needed to wean yourself off the tea?

Well, when I was pregnant, I was trying to drink less caffeine. I'd sort of have a cup a day, whatever. And that was like the big treat. And then there have been other occasions where, for example, I did a series with a Mormon family in Manchester and hot caffeine was like a big no-no in their household. Hot caffeine? Yeah. So you're allowed cold caffeine, but not hot caffeine. Like diet cokes and stuff. That's fine. Red Bull?

I think that's fine. So if you're a Mormon, you can have a Red Bull, but not a Twinings. I think that, yeah. I mean, that was what I was told with this family. So I thought that's totally fair enough. So I hadn't had a hot, I hadn't had a tea for like 24 hours. And my head was like a drum. I said to my boss, Alice, my director, I was like, I actually can't think straight. So I had to leave the premises.

The runner, Lover Art, had to bring me like a flask of hot tea. And I downed it at the bottom of the drive. Before you went and spoke to the Mormons. And then I was like back in the room. I think I would have just got a headache from talking to Mormons for a day. That's the level of addiction I'm at, James. Without wanting to be rude to any Mormons. Listen, no hot caffeine.

I didn't know that was a rule. I get oat milk offered to me all the time now because I've stopped having caffeine and I go and order decaf. I got into decaf. Another story. Why did you stop on the caffeine? It would make me too anxious. Fine. I love coffee.

Yeah. I love it. But I was noticing, I was like, oh, come on, man. You're just stressed out all the time for nothing. Rattling, yeah. So let's try and not do caffeine and see if that makes a difference. It does, gutted. Yeah, that was it. That means we've got to carry on now. But I started to get into decaf and I actually, yeah, it'd been long enough since I had caffeine. Like this kind of tastes like a regular caffeinated

coffee, you know? Oh, you love it. And, but every time I order a decaf, they assume I want oat milk. And they just assume, they just, they just, they just sat, they would to say it So I just say I'd like a decaf flat white they go cool decaf white oat milk And I like no didn't say I know and first time I was like whatever every time it's happening is happening every time They do have an oat milk vibe Especially when I said a decaf thing before they wouldn't assume it when I just said normal coffee. Yeah, but now I'm saying decaf They're like we assume that you're a wimp across the board.

Do you know what, James, we all have our crosses to bear. And I'm really sorry that they've put that on you. Thank you. Also in London, I'd be interested to know the stats. I think oat milk is probably more popular than cow's milk now. I think you're totally right. Apart from Millwall, of course. Apart from Millwall Calf.

Yeah. Yeah. I could get a decaf in Millwall. I think you might struggle actually Calf. Yeah. I could get a decaf in Millwall. I think you might struggle actually. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe just bring your own bags. That's what I do when I'm going to America.

That's when I'm going to America. I just take my own tea bags because for whatever reason, it don't matter where you are, what state they cannot make a cup tea. The water is just, I say mate, the water, it's got to be boiling. Yeah. It just falls on deaf ears. So we're all struggling. Pop-doms or bread? Pop-doms or bread, Stacey Dooley? Pop-doms or bread?

Pop-doms or bread? What bread are we talking? Up to you. This is your dream meal, whatever bread you like. I mean, I love, look at me, I love focaccia. But I actually do love focaccia. I love brown toast. What do you mean look at me? Focaccia. It's like Ladi Darv. You just finished your third book.

Yeah, no, you're right, Angeline. And I haven't ate white bread in about 15 years. Brown toast, focaccia, sourdough. My starter. Well, we're not there yet. No spoilers. But it kind of bleeds into... Okay, let's bleed in. Okay, fine. Just quickly before you bleed in. Well, we're not there yet. No spoilers. It kind of bleeds into... Okay, let's bleed in.

Okay, fine. Just quickly before you bleed in. Oh, sure. Fakacha now always reminds me of the band Cleopatra. Because it rhymes. Cleopatra coming at you. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you remember that song? Then I think Cleopatra coming at you. Fakacha. Cleopatra coming at you. Cleopatra, get a pen and paper, write down our name. Pen and paper doesn't work for me. It should be Fakacha. Well, get a pen and paper, write down our name. Pen and paper doesn't work for me. It should be for capture. Get a pen and paper, write down our name.

Was that the next line? Yeah, get a pen and paper, write down our name. You will realize our aim is the same as the others. We all have that dream to make it to the top. Word perfect. Cleopatra Cominaccia song. Do you remember? I love that song. All I remember is Cleopatra Cominaccia. Yeah, I remember Cleopatra Cominaccia is the song. Do you remember? I love that song.

All I remember is Cleopatra Cominaccia. Yeah, I remember Cleopatra Cominaccia. Oh no, I know the whole song. But I didn't remember Get a Pen and Paper, which is an awful rhyme. And Focaccia is a much better rhyme. It wasn't that big back then. Focaccia wasn't a thing when Cleopatra was around. Yeah, I guess so.

They could have done with you, Ed. Yeah, they should have got me in to write some lyrics. So you've got to write their pen and paper, write their name down, and then you realize that your aim is the same. Yeah. We all have that dream to take it to the top. And when we do, we know we're never gonna stop. They did though, quite quickly.

I know. That's like locked in my... I haven't heard that song. It's not on my Spotify list, but it's obviously there somewhere. It's big. It's a big memory. I did love it. What other song? Can you remember the lyrics to Say La Vie by The Witch? Yeah, obviously. You just say them straight away?

Say you will, say you won't, say you'll do what I don't, say your truth's under me. Not as clear on that one actually. Yeah, I think it is. Say your truth, say to me not as clear. Say your true say to me say love you. Double denim obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes she fights like a dad of course. She's that at the beginning. She says sometimes I fought.

People say I look like my dad is what is the intro. She's her saying I look like my dad. And then later on she goes, I fight like my dad as well. Fights like her dad. Yeah, I thought you said fart like I thought you said you fart. No one farts like my dad. And then later on she goes, I fight like my dad as well. Fights like her dad. Yeah. I thought you said fart. Like I said, no, it's like a fart like her dad. It's bewitched. It's bewitched. They didn't really give that energy to me. No, she says it. She said she fights like her dad. Wow. I heard it and it is hard. Dad might not fight. We have to remember that her dad might not be a violent guy. Yeah. I fought like my dad as well. Okay.. No confrontation whatsoever actually. Just do it. My father's

a pacifist. So what do you want for your dream meal? What sort of bread do you want Cleopatra coming out of the kitchen? This is going to merge. It's going to bleed into the... It's going to bleed in. It's going to bleed. I've just spilled water. Still water. It won't even stay in your mouth. That's how much you hate it. So what's my dream meal? Yeah. Yeah. Just, just let's, let's do the bread course. We need to drag the hour out. You said it. Well, it's up to you. I know I did it all at once, but you can take it. Take it. Sorry,. Sorry, James, I'm playing footsie with you. It's okay. My starter. He's never played footsie with me during the episodes before.

He does play footsie with me. He's put his foot very, very daintily on top of mine. And then just moved it around a little bit. Well, because your foot's not normally there, I thought it was part of the table. I thought it was part of the table. Oh, there you go. But I didn't know it was your foot. My starters is Antjevice on toast.

Right, lovely. This is the bleeding? Yeah, on toast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On toast. Specifically, this is how middle class I am now. I love Antjevice on toast from Denmark. Love this. Copenhagen.

Incredible. To be precise. I've just got back from there. Stop. Yeah, no. Like Kierpatsche, I will not. You will not stop until you make it to the top. Where did you stay?

Where did you go? Yeah, like Kiyopacho, I will not. You will not stop until you make it to the top. Where did you stay? Where did you go? Oh, I don't know exactly where we stayed. We were just in an Airbnb in the center. Love going to Burtail Salon and getting the cheesecake every time. Love the cheesecake there. Love going to the De Sanchez place. There's the tacos. Yeah, De Sanchez. Thank you, Ed. Went to Noma. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Felt very lucky to do that. Yeah, because that's really tricky to get into, isn't it? Yeah. That's like the garden, not the garden shed, but the greenhouse. All the greenhouses and stuff there. Yeah, did all the bakeries and stuff. All the, did a sausage roll crawl. Perfect.

Very gel. When it got loads of sausage rolls, it's not a sort of, that's not how he got around Copenhagen. No. A certain type of crawl. No, fine. Or a roll. Yeah.

But like, yeah. Art feeling right. But yeah, no, I really, really love anchovies on toast. Whenever I'm in Copenhagen, that is always like my go-to. Is there a specific place that does them that you like? Everywhere I've been, they just get it so right. I wonder if that's one of their dishes. I don't know.

I'm so, so out of the loop. It feels like it could be like Scandinavian-esque, doesn't it? Yeah. If a lot of places do them in Copenhagen, it probably is. Cause it's not like it's on every menu. It's just so perfect. It's the, it's the perfect, perfect starter. Do you know what I mean?

And if I'm not starving, I will just order that twice. My little girl can have a bit. There's no fuss. There's mini Dooley can have a bit. The full name. I'm obsessed with you saying the full name because it's a great full name. So yeah, that's my starters for sure. So when it comes, when it comes, you get it in a restaurant. Is it like a big bit of toast with anchovies on top or are they like mini bits of mini bits of toast?

You know what they're like? They're so, like everything is so chic. Everything is so aesthetically pleasing. Even the way they like cut it into like, you know, four fingers. Pathetic. They cut it into like just four chic fingers. Yes, four chic fingers. I love how you're like, this is how middle-class I am now. There's four fingers.

Four-cheek fingers. I love how you're like, this is our middle class. I'm now having this. There's four fingers. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever I see some sort of variation of anchovies on toast

on any London menu as well, I'm getting that. There's something like brat, the bread at brat with the anchovies on top. I've not been there actually. So good. Really, yeah. If you like anchovies on toast. Then I must.

You gotta go. Okay, fine. Okay, maybe that can be my treat because it's my birthday next week actually. Is it? Happy birthday. Yeah, thank you. 38 imagine. Yeah, well I can. I am. I'm 38. I simply am, yeah. You simply are 38. Yeah. I'm so young. But I'm 39 in like two weeks. When's your birthday? March 10th. Stop. Mine's March 9th. There you go. We could go to brat together. Okay, we'll go to brat together. Okay, fine. Wow. We're going for an anchovy birthday. Would you

like to come James? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. This is for people in their late 30s. Yeah. Those days are gone for me. But anchovies, I mean, I don't like it when they're a bit hairy and they've got little bones hanging out.

Do you know what I mean? I like the luxurious, like thick, long anchovies. Yeah. I know what you mean about that. I mean, yeah, it's not hair, it is bones. Oh, fine. Well, that's what I assume that they're not hairy, are they? Like they're, it's very thin bones. Yeah, it's what I assume that they're not hairy are they like

they're it's very thin bones. Yeah it's not no such thing as a hairy fish I don't want to I don't want to step on any other podcast toes here. Maybe they are just fine fine bones. Yeah. I don't like the skinny little you know pathetic ones I like the big chunky ones. In fact in M&S they've got these anchovies that they sell in this red packaging and they're like seven quid a pack. But they're so great. Do you make your own anchovies on toast at home? Every now and then, but it's always a real disappointment. Oh really? What do you think you're getting wrong? Just I'm not Danish.

You're putting the toast on the anchovy? Yeah, it's not the same. It's just not the same experience for me. Really? Yeah. Also I'm a really dud. I can just not the same experience for me. Really? Yeah. Also, I'm a really dud. I can't cook. But it's toast. I know, James, you would think that, but I'm completely incapable.

Really? Yeah. Useless, actually. Pathetic. Tragic. Just a joke, actually. What do you get wrong with toast? I mean, what I don't like, I don't like when it's floppy.

Do you know? When it's barely done, it makes me gag. I'm like, get out of here. And it's so close to being burnt. And then- But not burnt. But not burnt. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. It's a small window. Yeah, it's a very small window. Yeah, and then maybe I'm not using the right butter. I don't know, but it's never Danish standards. Are you using a toaster or a grill when you're toasting the toast? Toaster.

So yeah, that's even harder to get it. It's as that exact thing. She can to get it. Is that exact things? You can't see it. I can't see it. You've got it under the grill and you're going for almost burnt but not burnt. Maybe you got a chance of that. I've got a time to whip it out. Yeah.

But in the toaster, you're just thinking, I estimate I think it's about no. It's a guessing game. I also think doing it under the grill with a bit of olive oil on the bread before you put it under. Okay. And probably make it feel a bit more luxurious. Marco Pierre White over there it under. Okay. It'll probably make it feel a bit more luxurious. Marco Pierre White over there. Fine, okay.

See, a reference for a chef. Huh? No. Okay, I'll try that. So that might work. Okay. But yeah, or a see-through toaster. Those are my only two options.

I guess see-through toaster. Do they exist? Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Do they really? Mmm, this guy thought that piss... Yeah, actually.

...stretched your feet off earlier. I'm not listening to any... Yeah, I don't believe anything that comes off. You just take a normal toaster and you piss on it and it goes see-through. Yeah. Didn't really. This guy thought that piss stretched your feet off earlier. Yeah, I don't believe anything that people say. You just take a normal toaster and you piss on it and it goes see-through. Earlier, I thought people could piss their feet off. I didn't say people. I don't think we can trust him on this.

Didn't you say people can piss their feet off? You did. You said, you better be careful you can piss your feet off. That's a delicious starter, I think. That's really good. And you could have had it as the bread course and picked something else as a starter but we don't want to get stuck in loopholes. You could have done a little hack. Yeah no you're right. But you said it's the perfect starter. Yeah it really is the perfect perfect

starter. You can have it as bread as well. Yeah. You have both. You have double basically. Double portion. We'll bring you over some anchovies on toast as your bread course and then starter comes along it's more anchovies on toast. Great no that would be start comes along. It's more anchovies. Great. Now that would be great actually because as I told you, you know, a double serving I wouldn't be entirely against. Yeah. I much prefer start as to a dessert. Okay.

Ah yes, here we go. Excellent. Okay. Oh dear. James, you just need, this is how people as young as me and Stacey feel. Yeah. I didn't know that the younger generation. Listen to the youth.

Yeah. Yeah. Kids didn't know that the younger generation Listen to the youth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids are going to start as over desserts. I know Generation World War I or whatever the fuck you are. People who had to go through rationing love a dessert because it's exciting. Yes, a little treat. It's about like such a treat at the end too. Yeah, the jammies can't find you if you put it.

But we're Gen Z, we like starters. We're loosely Gen Z. Stacey, we're Gen Z. Well, I'm not going to lie You've offended me, Stacey. I'm not happy to hear that you prefer starters to desserts. We've gone to desserts really. Yeah, because it's what makes life worth living. I think when you're about to die, you won't be glad to have more starters and desserts. I think you'll think, don't I eat more pudding? James is about to die. I'm not massed up into cake. Yeah, we're all about to die. Not you guys, you're split chickens. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

It's gonna be hard for me to continue through this episode. Talking to me. He's now worried about what you're going to say later. So we're heading towards a disappointing finale. Sure. No, that is fair enough. Keep it under your hat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Well, let's sort of drag this out another sort of half an hour or so. Yeah. And... We'll drag it out.

Yeah, we'll drag it out for sure. I was gonna say, like, if for your menu, you've got a bunch of different mums that you know to write your menu for you. And what their courses would be. Maybe that could be the next book. We collaborate. Yes, we could.

Yeah. Dear menu. Dear menu. Yeah, there you go. Or off many. Let's work on that. Off many. Off many.

This is perfect. Yeah, yeah. Let's keep talking. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let's keep talking. I'm not like now in terms of like doing the podcast. Both.

Let's finish this podcast. You decided to carry on the podcast. Okay. Let's keep talking. Your dream main course. My dream main course, two options because you never know what's available. Okay. Well, it's your dream menu. So anything. You do know what's available. Say both of them and then we will make you choose. Okay.

But I want to hear both. Well they're both pasta. The first one is puttanesca. You can't believe that accent can you? No. Perfectly pronounced. Puttanesca. And the second one is cachorpepe.

Yeah. I know these aren't massively like, oh, that's so unexpected, but I just love pasta so, so, so very much. You know what I mean? Like you can't really go wrong. I don't even mind it when it's al dente. You know, when it's a bit hard, I can sort of deal with that. It's easy.

It's perfect. What shape of pasta, if this is obviously your dream meal. So you can either have a pre-existing shape of pasta or you can invent your own. Oh, I can invent my own. I've never given someone that option before. This is exciting. For the puttanesca, I would have penne, thick penne, not the skinny little, you know, I like it when it's fresh pasta as well. Yeah. So like the thick tubes. A rigatoni?

Oh, is that what that is? That's a thick tube format. Oh, fine. So that might work nicely. How big are we talking these tubes? Thick, like a cylinder, you know? How much of a cylinder though? Cause then we're entering cannelloni territory.

I don't think cannelloni. No. I think it's half, penne half... can you pronounce it please? Rigatoni. Rigatoni. Half of each? Kind of somewhere in between the two. Okay.

Not some penne, some rigatoni, because then you're going to have an issue with the penne hiding in the rigatoni. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a busy, busy lady. You can't be... I can't be digging around for penne, can I? Yeah, exactly. In my rigatoni. So that kind of shape. Okay. I'm not fast. I'm not arsed.

Just loosely that kind of shape. Um, anchovies. Yes, of course there's anchovies in the puttanesca as well. Capers. Yeah. I just, yeah, I just, I could, I could eat three bowls of that and I'd still, I'd still have room for more. Oh yeah.

Yeah. And I've got a big, big appetite. Yeah. Yeah. Like I just love to eat. Puttanesca is up there with the, with the sauces for me as well. Yeah. Yeah. Like I just love to eat. Puttanasca is up there with the sources for me as well. Yeah. The kick. The kick. Salt. Yeah. I just love salt so very much. My little girl who's two. Mini Dooley. Will not stop eating capers. Really? Interesting. She loves

anchovies for obvious reasons. Yeah. Well, even that's quite impressive. A two year old. I guess two year olds can. That's not that uncommon, I guess. Yeah. But cap even that's quite impressive. A two-year-old, I guess two-year-olds can, that's not that uncommon, I guess. Yeah. But capers. She loves capers. Last night, this is no top-up, I'm not saying this for like, ooh, something interesting to say. She- I mean, it's fine if you are. You're waiting, aren't you, James? That's all right. Just so you know, it's fine. If you are just saying something because it's interesting to say,

you're allowed to, this is appropriate. Please do, actually. Fucking... But I have to like line up individually, capers about, you know, five or 10 capers, line them up, and then if she has a mouth of salmon or a bit of broccoli, she can have a caper. Wow.

So they're like the treat. Just drop it in so crack. Finish the rest of your dinner, and then you can have one caper. You can have one caper. Wow. So they like the treat. Finish the rest of your dinner and then you can have one caper. Yeah. Like the M&Ms. Probably going to be poorly with the salt overdose, but like she just loves capers. She's having her veggies as well and some fish. All this is it. Anchovies, capers and olives. When did she first have a caper? Was there a puttanesca knocking about? Did she ask to have a mouthful? I mean, when did she

start caping? She's just got such a salty tooth like me. She's got such a salty tooth, which I probably shouldn't. A salty tooth. I shouldn't really encourage. It doesn't sound as nice as a sweet tooth, does it? Yeah, salty tooth. Not if you're James. It sounds like the name of a pirate.

Yeah, yeah. It does. Salty tooth. I think because they're always in the house or whatever, she's just massively into them. That's really good. So I'm worried now that Minnie Dooley is going to grow up and prefer starters to desserts. I think she probably might. Yeah, that's a shame.

Although when she's with her nan, she'll have fucking seven biscuits and a pepper pig lolly and do you know what I mean? It doesn't matter how many times I say, can we not give the baby a load of shit? She'll come home and have digestive biscuits all over her mouth. Red bag to abolish them. Well, she's desperate for salty stuff then I'd imagine. Well, yeah. She's been eating so much sweet stuff.

So as you can hear, her diet is perfectly balanced. She's going to go out the picture of hell. She's got everything, yeah. Whose mom is the nan? My mom. So she's our nanny actually. So if I'm working in Kev's way, working, my mama loves the baby. And them two are thick as thieves, you know what I mean? They're like so in love with one another. It's all

nanny nanny. Yeah, they're tight. Because she's feeling that the biscuits are good stuff. Yeah, she's not daft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet her nan tells everyone like she's got a spooked. Yeah, and you know, the thing is as well, it's like I sort of, it's like I don't want to be that like rigid, boring, strict mum, but also we cannot give her five digestive biscuits every day, can we? No.

No, we just can't. So actually, I'm about to lay down the law. Yeah, at least give her a more exciting biscuit. Yeah, yeah. Give her five digestives a day, like she's in Oliver Twist. My mum needs to start listening to me. I'm in charge. Yeah, exactly.

That's that. The capers. Give her a big old jar of capers, please, mum. Next book. Next book. People writing letters to their mums. Yes. Listen, bitch. I'm in charge.

Times have changed. The tables have turned. Yeah. Dear nanny. And you must listen to me, dear nanny. Dear nanny, fuck your fucking idea. Looking after that kid is a privilege and it can be taken away from you at any second. Could threaten her, yeah.

Threaten to take her own granddaughter away from her out of her life entirely. Here's a tin of anchovies I'll see you on Tuesday. And the cacio e pepe. Spaghetti? Yeah, I think so. How many bowls of that could you eat? Easy three. So we're no closer to deciding between the two of them.

The problem is they do balance each other out so well because the Cacio e Pepe, very rich, it's got that creamy feel to it. Butter. And then, and yes, so much butter. And then the Puttanesca is like, it cuts through everything. I don't know how you're feeling about a pasta platter, James. Oh, I'll be open to a pasta platter. Do you loveatter, James? Oh, I'll be open to a pasta platter. Do you love pasta, James?

Yeah, I ate a lot of chorizo broccoli pasta during the lockdowns. To be honest, since the lockdowns have lifted, I haven't gone near pasta that much. Pasta down. Because I was having it, you know, five nights a week, minimum. That's a lot, yeah. I was so into this chorizo broccoli pasta, it was so easy to make. I felt every single bowl of it was delicious. I never got bored of it until as soon as there was no longer lockdowns and restrictions and people were calming down about COVID. Suddenly I was like, I don't really want to make that anymore. You're over it. Yeah.

My girlfriend's still knocking it. But she had a jab on last night. I was like, you have got to get yourself out of lockdown. Yeah. We're 2025 now, babe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever made pasta at home and felt good afterwards. Stop. So it's either too much pasta. So I've just sat there on the sofa being like, why have I done this

to myself? Or when I go back to make pasta, I'm like, remember what happened last time, Ed? You felt awful after that. And then you make what the normal portion is supposed to be. And then I'm starving afterwards. Too small. It's about eight bits of pasta. Yeah, that's not enough. That's not enough. I'm goldy.

I'm Italian Goldilocks. You are, actually. I hate it when they sort of suggest portion sizes. I think, what kind of hell is this? It's like when you buy a pie, you know what I mean? Like just a supermarket pie and they're like, should feed four. Like I could eat that whole pie. No hassle. Yeah. If you just sell a smaller pie, if that's what you're trying to do to people.

Correct. I want a supermarket pie now. I love supermarket pies. Steak and ale. I don't like steak and kidney, just steak and ale. What you got going on with steak and kidney? I'm guessing it's the kidney. I think it's the kidney. Judging by what's in, yeah, it's got against steak and kidney? I'm guessing it's the kidney. I think it's the kidney. Judging by what's in, yeah, it's not, it's not a steak is it? It's a key difference. Steak and ale was getting through the door. So you got to assume steak and kidney's been

denied for a reason. That would be the weirdest thing I ever said on this podcast. If you said love steak and ale, hate steak and kidneys, can't stand steak. Yeah. Don't like steak? Yeah. It's the pastry I don't like. I actually don't know all the brilliant pie shops.

So I need to, cause you guys are foodies, you need to, you need to point me in the right direction. Like traditional pie shops. Well, I like the idea of the traditional pie shops. I used to go to that one in Peckham. What's it called? Is it a man's? Is man's?

Yeah, where they do the liquor. Yeah, yeah. The girls in there are lovely and I did, you know, I did sort of enjoy it. Don't sound like you. No, I mean. No, listen, I did, I did. So far you've said the girls in there are lovely. Yeah, the girls were like brilliant and I loved like, you know, it was a beautiful space and

I don't think the liquor was for me maybe. It's parsley sauce, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I like parsley sauce isn't it? Yeah. I like parsley sauce. Do you? Rylan loves it. Rylan loves it.

Oh, love his art. Yeah, yeah. I prefer gravy that hasn't really been mixed properly so there's still like half an oxo cube at the bottom of the cup. Okay. Well, no restaurant is going to do that for you Stacey. No, maybe I'll just sort myself out. Legitimate establishment isn't doing that.

Yeah. No. Those pie shops are beautiful inside. Really beautiful. The tiling, you know, it's all, yeah. I think they're protected. I think you're not allowed to change them. Is that right?

Yeah. Cause there's one in Walthamstow, which is no longer a pie shop. It's a Japanese restaurant, but they can't change the interior. Oh, fine. So you can have a nice Japanese meal, but sat in an old pie shop. And of course the- Is that interesting? Huh? Is that interesting? Huh?

Is that interesting what I just said? Yeah. It's very interesting. Yeah. If you ever said something and just felt like the most boring version of your dad possible, that was me then. Was James and I not giving you a reaction? Yeah.

That's on us. We should have reacted more. Thank you. And thank you for admitting that. Yeah. I mean, definitely. I'll tell you something along those lines. The other day I was cleaning out the cat litter tray. This is really interesting, definitely. I'll tell you something along those lines. The other day I was cleaning

out the cat litter tray. This is really interesting James. Yeah, that's more the sort of thing I was after. My cat had done a shit in, I guess in four parts. Yeah, okay, four parts. Yeah, four parts shit. Yeah, like it's a new TV series. Four parts of the shit.

Yeah. Yeah, four parts shit. Yeah, like it's a new TV series for parts of the shit Yeah, and I was scooping them up and it's kind of because it's flushable. So yeah directly in the toilet Mmm, can the tradesman's a toilet? Mm-hmm. Bam. Bam. Bam fourth one. Mm-hmm scoop it up and I think to myself Oh, that's oh, that's interesting. That was the first bit of shit that came out of its box. I was watching that so and that was the first bit of shit that came out of its butt. So I was watching that. So realize that the last bit that I scooped up was the first bit that came out of its ass. And then I thought my next thought was I'm turning into my dad. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say Stacey enjoyed that anecdote. Do you know that's on me again, though. I'm not massively into cats. I don't really like cats. It was the cat bit that put you off that story.

That's the bit that put you off the story. It wasn't the drawn out explanation of the shit. It was the fact that it was a cat. If it was a bloke who'd done those shits, you would have been... I'd be really interested. What's your cat called? I've got four. Have you, James? That's interesting. Yeah, yeah.

But that was Rue in particular, who'd done those shits. Rue's a small one as well. She's one of the, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that, okay. But that was Rue. That was Rue in particular, who don't know shits. Yeah. Rue's a small one as well. She's one of the smaller ones, yeah, yeah. So you love cats? Yeah, I love them. I'm so not into cats. I'm so not into cats.

No, we're never going to marry, are we? I guess not, especially with Kevin away. No, yeah. I'm a cat guy as well. Yeah, really fine. I'm a cat guy. Got one though. I truly am not into cats even in the slightest.

That's a shame. Yeah, I like dogs, but cat guy. Got one though. I truly am not into cats even in the slightest. That's a shame. Yeah, I like dogs, but it'd be irresponsible to get a dog at the minute. The baby loves dogs. She's into this cat actually as well that's down the road and I always try and swerve it. She's saying, go away.

The cat and not my child. Why do you like cats so much? It seems to be a proper hate. Yeah, they sort of quite, probably get cancelled because everyone loves cats, but they're sort of quite contrary, aren't they? And they don't really need you and they bring mice in. I'm like, I have a massive phobia of mice, pigeons and mice. Pigeons and rodents is just a hard no.

I actually had a mouse in my kitchen the other week and I genuinely contemplated moving out. You called your daughter Minnie. I know. You're actually, yeah. Yeah. But more like Minnie Driver. Right. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. So I just think I wouldn't be able to... Weirdo actually. I wouldn't be able to trust a cat not bringing a mouse into my house. Well, my cat's a house cat, so I've never met a mouse. Never left the house? Never left the house. Do you want to hear something nuts?

Yeah, sure. I was in a film with Minnie Driver and I played a mouse. Stop. That's not true, James. That is true. You was in a film with Minnie Driver? Yeah. You weren't in a scene with her, were you?

No, I wasn't in a scene with her. You played a mouse? We were in the same film. What film? Cinderella. Stop. Yeah, yeah, she's the queen. I played a mouse? We were in the same film. What film? Cinderella. Stop. Yeah, yeah, she's the queen.

I was a mouse who turns into a footman. This is unbelievable. John the Mouse. It is unbelievable, isn't it? I'm going to watch you on the way back. Amazon. That's amazing. Yeah, pretty amazing.

That is. I mean, I knew you were like a high flying comedian. Yeah, yeah. But you also act. He's a film star as well. I'm a film star. He's in Ghostbusters. I'm in Ghostbusters. Stop this. Lars Pinfield is a parabiologist. James, you really are. Yeah. He's a superstar. Yeah. And I still scoop up my cat's shit. You're still so real.

Your dream side dish? My dream side dish, I think I'm going to go for arancini. Again. Very Italian. Well, the reason being I don't like it when I don't like mixing up cuisines. Okay. So of course I love other genres. Is that the right word? Sure.

But I don't like mixy-matchy. So if I'd have started with Thai, I would have stayed with Thai. If I started with Japanese, I would have stayed with Japanese and I love Japanese foods. But I thought Italian, let's just stay in the same country. Lovely. What do you want in the arancini? Cause you can get ones with like stuff in the middle, right? Probably like truffle and mushroom or something like that. Yeah. Missed an opportunity to just stick another anchovy into the meal. I do know what you mean. I also like it when they fry the olives. Oh my God. I love that. Yeah. That could be a nice side dish. I love them. I could eat fucking hundreds of them as good my child. Of course. The first time I had those was

at a restaurant called Spuntino, which is not there anymore. And I'd never had it before. Did not know it was a thing. They bring you a little cocktail glass thing full of just massive green olives with an anchovy in the middle, breadcrumb deep fried. I was like, I'd never need to eat anything else. This is incredible. Yeah.

Yeah. Try doing those at home. Yeah. They would be tricky, I'd imagine. I could. They would be difficult. Yeah. Do you cook? Not really. No. I can do like a few. Broccoli and chorizo pasta. Yeah. For example. Yeah. So I've got a few. Yeah. But like actually since the lockdowns, really not much at all. I've probably forgotten to cook a lot of the stuff, how to cook a lot of the stuff that I was cooking, get rusty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I mainly just roast stuff. I roast a butternut squash. That's great. I'll grill an aubergine. I'll just do like quick things. Yeah, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My oven doesn't really work, so you don't really know. Okay, this is so boring actually. But my oven, I've kind of, I've been in the house nearly two years and the oven, you don't know if it's gonna act as an oven or a grill. So you just have to- So it just does what it wants? Yeah, it just does what it wants. And I can't figure it out.

I've Googled it, I've, you know, searched the, the style of the oven. I've asked the lady who I bought it off. She's such a sweetheart. Like she's sort of talked me through it numerous times. I just, I can't figure it out. So I'm going to renovate the kitchen. The whole kitchen.

The whole kitchen is getting renovated. Just to replace the oven. No, I just can't anymore. Christmas dinner, it was like, is this bird going to cook? Yeah. You did. I feel like that about stuff sometimes. One thing in the house doesn't work.

My first thought, always my first thought is let's move. Let's throw out the whole house and start again. Like me with a mouse. Yeah. Yeah. She's completely rational. Yeah. So you're not, it's not, it's not a case of like you're turning the dial wrong. Maybe I could show you. Sometimes it's a grill, sometimes it's another. I know, no, there's like, because she says this is so boring. I'm so sorry. You have no idea how many times we have told stories that are boring and then retold them on the podcast. Yeah, the truth there broccoli pasta, for example. Yeah. And the cat shit. And it would know the cat. That is the first appearance of the cat shit. And after the

episode I will be having a word with James and say, saying, please don't make that a running story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or trim it down. It wasn't running. Quite substantially. It was quite solid. Anyway, I can't figure it out. It's like sometimes the oven's on, but the grill is also on. It's really annoying.

Your dream drink. Is this going to be Italian? Well, I don't know what this is. Shirley Temple. I'm going to say not Italian. No. Is that British? Well, I don't know what this is. Shirley Temple. I'm going to say not Italian. No. Is that British? American, I'd say. American. Yeah, because it's named after Shirley Temple.

After the actual Shirley. Yeah. I think a certain bar as well, wasn't it? I love a Shirley Temple. And did you see recently that little lad that went viral? He was the Shirley Temple King. No, I didn't see this. Tell us about the little lad.

Yeah, New York Times did a piece on him. These kids, I don't know, like 12, 13, whatever. He was just going around the whole of New York. Is it New York? I don't know all of the details. Anyway, this lad in America is sort of going around all the establishments and trying the Shirley Temples and has become like this, you know, the Shirley Temple King stepping on my toes. That's the sort of thing you'd do. Cause I love Shirley Temples. Yeah, but like I ain't gone viral for it that kid. No. Yeah, because you're 40.

Yeah. I'm 40. Much older than us, James. Yeah. Much, much older. I think if there was a story about a 40 year old going around trying all the Shirley Temples, it would be like, watch out for this man. Yeah, I'd feel a bit.

Yeah. I'd be on the news. Yeah. It'd be on the register. What is a Shirley Temple for our listeners? So... And for me. You'll be on a register. What is a Shirley Temple for our listeners? So... And for me.

What is a Shirley Temple? I just always ask for it. So is it like, is ginger ale or ginger beer, I think. And grenadine, the cherries, a bit of lime. Am I right? Yeah. Is there anything else Benito? Is it ginger ale or ginger beer?

Ginger ale. Lemon or lime, yeah. Yeah, I put lime. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I put lime soju in it. Listen, I love a Shirley Temple. I don't booze, I don't drink. So actually I started ordering them out of necessity.

And just because I wanted to fancy drink also. And the thing is if you don't drink and you've got just your sparkling water, there's like, why you don't drink? Oh my God, that's so crazy. Oh my God, how come? So I just have a Shirley Temple and I'm in with the gang. But love it. It's nice to be in with a gang.

Desperate to conform. Is there anywhere that you know does a good Shirley Temple? Because I would say if you, I wouldn't walk in anywhere and be like, Shirley Temple, please. Does it panic people if you're just asking for a Shirley Temple? It depends where you are. I was in Glen Eagles in Scotland the other week, very fancy. Very fancy. And they made me a very nice Shirley Temple. I bet they did.

As you can imagine. But there's also like, there's a company, I think it's based in London actually, and they make pre-made Shirley Temples. Great. And my pal always buys me a bottle for Christmas. Is it like black notes or something? Black lines? I think I know what you mean. That's a nice Christmas present. Is it something lines?

Isn't that? It's thoughtful. I bet you look forward to that. Black lines. Yeah, black lines do a nice bottle of Shirley Temple when it's already made. Delicious. He'll be buying that, won't you? I'll be buying that. Yeah. Yeah, especially maybe for Christmas.

Try it. Maybe I'll add it to the Christmas record. Yeah. See what you think. What are you ever, I mean, you should be asked this during Christmas episodes, but it's come up naturally. You're looking forward to that bottle of the Black Lines Shirley Temple at Christmas. What other things you're looking forward to eating at Christmas? And there are certain snacks and stuff you have around the house that are just at Christmas.

Not the Christmas dinner. No. But the snacks that are around. Yeah, fine. Antivase. Antivase rounds off in a little bow. Antrieus in blankets. We have the Bombay mix.

The Bombay mix. Obviously. Twiglets. Yeah. Those celebrations that everyone wheels out. Do you look disappointed when the sweet stuff came up? I'm immediately not happy about them. Twigglers.

Fucking celebration of celebrations. They're just so obvious. Oh Kev, this is so generic of you. Take them back. It's very generic actually. I agree with you. Poor Kev, getting it in the neck for bringing you chocolates. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like Ferrero Rocher's. Yeah. I just, you know what it's like, you just sit on the sofa rot, don't you? We put the royal family on. Not the actual royal family, royal family. I've seen every single episode. I'm so obsessed with Ricky Tomlinson. I can't begin to tell you. We sit there. That's good to rot to because they're rotting on the show as well, right? Exactly. Yeah, we are just mirroring them. But I'll eat anything at Christmas. My diet's

pretty poor, I've got to say. Like coming down on the train, I had to Kit Kat at 9am. Four fingers? Four fingers, again, four fingers. Laughing to yourself on the train with a mouthful of chocolate. Can't believe this. I'm crazy. Can't believe it's over. It's at 9am.

Mad. I'm so random. I'm so mad. So yeah, I'll eat shit all the time, but Christmas, I'm just like, let's go. Yeah. Love it. It is good for that. Love the Christmas snacks.

I mean, it's February as we record this. I'm already thinking about it. Yeah, I'm now excited for Christmas. I want to get all the Christmas snacks. I mean, it's February as we record this. I'm already thinking about it. I'm now excited for Christmas. I want to get all those Christmas snacks in again. Also Easter, you can sort of do whatever you like, can't you? I mean, any kind of. Less and less now with Easter, I find. Oh really? Yeah. Not for you old salty tooth. Good luck celebrating Easter. Good luck being glad that you rose again. Scotch again. Salted caramel chocolate.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll get salted. I think it's the scotch egg. Yeah, I don't know if I love scotch eggs actually. Really? Oh, here we go. This is where the saltiness...

I'm having a nightmare at the moment because I bought my wife a... We don't really do Valentine's stuff, but I was out with my friend Chloe and we both needed to go and buy stuff for our partners for Valentine's. She was doing it and I was like, you felt, yeah, you must, yeah. Bought a card or whatever, bought a box of lint balls. Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. Got about happy Valentine's. Was that the whole present? Yeah.

Yeah, but my wife's not got me anything. It's not really for boys. We don't do anything for each other for that. So she's gutted because she's like, I've not done anything for you. It was like, well, I won that. I'd rather nothing than a boxel in the balls. Well, I mean, wait to hear this. Yeah, fair enough. Absolutely fair enough. I've done half those balls.

Yeah, they weren't ready for her, were they? She's not had one. No. No, she's not interested in them. No. Love her art. You're going to take her out for dinner or what? No. Ed!

I take her out for dinner all the time. We can take her out for dinner another time. You're a nice guy. Also going out on Valentine's night, actually we did go out for dinner on Valentine's night. Oh fine. And when I say we, I mean me and James. Yeah. It was nice.

Yeah. Are you married James? No, I have a girlfriend. A girlfriend, yeah. And did you get her anything for Valentine's? Nope. No, okay. Absolutely nothing,

cause she would have been very disappointed in me if I had. She finds it repulsive. Yes. Some girls do get the ick, but not me. I need fuss, fuss, fuss. Yeah. Yep. Why? Because I just love treats.

I just love a treat. I'm expecting like a bouquet, not red roses, obviously, but like a luxe bouquet. Kev bought me a mini. He's actually very romantic. He bought me a mini matching necklace. Absolutely deadly if he's not. You don't get me anything for the full team. You're dumped.

Well, you know me, darling. I'm a romantic. So you're in good hands. No, I really want to do it. I really want to. What did he get you? He got me a mini matching necklaces. Oh, mini's getting a present as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got a bouquet. No, I really want to do it. I really want to. What did he get you? He got me and Minnie matching necklaces. Oh, Minnie's getting a present as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got a bouquet off her dad's. Yeah. You need to set the bar high. So when she's older, she doesn't go for a man who won't buy her anything for Valentine's

Day. Oh, yeah. But look, me and James don't get things for Valentine's Day, but we're still lovely men. So lovely men are out there. No, that is true. You are both great. But there needs to be an agreement within the relationship, what Valentine's means. Be on the same page. Some girls do get the, like a couple of my pals are like, oh, it's not, there's nothing spontaneous about it. Like it's not for me.

Yeah, I do agree with that. And I did only do it because, you know, I was just knocking around Sainsbury's. Yeah, it is worse. You're right that what Ed did is the worst version of it. The worst. Well, I'm not going to bother in future. No, absolutely not. Truly, I think I only did it because I knew she wouldn't do anything for me

and I knew I'd win if I got anything. Yeah, and that's what it's all about. It is. Winning. Did you get to have anything? Actually, I did. I did, but it's like, I don't really go to town in the same way that he does.

Why would you? Why would you? You don't need to treat him the way that you want to be treated. What did Kev get? He's writing a series at the moment about ballroom dancing. So I got him some lettered paper with his name up the top. Did you also write, may you rot in hell at the top? Yeah. It wasn't enough. Next year, get me more things. By my love.

That's a very classy present. Yeah. It's thoughtful. Did you get his name right? Just. Kevin Clifton. It's very difficult. That's nice. Did you get his name right? I got it right. Yeah, yeah. Just. Kevin Clifton. It's very difficult. No, that's nice. That's nice.

Nice, Kev. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's my birthday next week, so there'll be more treats to come. So Kev's got a... The treats are coming. We all like treats. I think that would be a good next book. Yeah.

I keep on pitching these books to you. Dear Kev. But I would like... Find me more. Dear Kev, find me more. A bunch of you reviewing presents that your partner and ex-partners have got you. Oh wow. So being like, here's what I got for this Valentine's, here's what I got for this birthday. And writing each chapter is about each present and what you think of it.

It kept Kev on his toes as well. Yeah, you don't want to get lazy, do you? That's a great idea, James. All kept Kev on his toes as well. Yeah, you don't want to get lazy, do you? Yeah. That's a great idea, James. All right, fine. I'd buy that. I'll bring it to the publishers. Yeah, yeah.

That's what they say. I'm not sure what it'd do for your public image. I do know what you mean. I think it would be great if it, you know, if you called it fuss, fuss, fuss or whatever. Maybe if I did it and pretended I was doing it in like an ironic way. But really it would be a very serious. Yeah, just pretend. Maybe if I just pretended.

The intro is all of the following book is ironic. Yeah, yeah. Fuss, fuss, fuss. Chapter one, Kev was in the dog house. Your dream dessert. Now, obviously I'm nervous going into this. I know that you don't like desserts. The Ferrero Rocher thing gave me a bit of hope.

But you like treats. We know you like treats. And treats are often sweet. I do like desserts. Okay. I do. I just prefer starters. Correct.

But for my desserts, again, there were two options. Keelah and pie. Mm-hmm. Or apple crumble with custard. Okay. Nice. Yeah, you know where you are with both of those. Apple crumble, any crumble really, any sort of fruit crumble I sort of get, you know, when I live in Liverpool. So I can go to any pub, any restaurant and get like a decent crumble, like a proper homemade crumble with like proper custard. Key lime

pie is like more of a treat. I have to sort of buy them in. Where are you buying them in from? Waitrose. Stacey is pretending to smoke a cigarette to signify the bouginess of going to Waitrose. I'm actually so obsessed with Waitrose's instant. I don't think smoking a cigarette makes it feel bougie. It's like a skinny cigarette.

Especially when you mind rolling it up first. I'm obsessed with Waitrose's instant... I don't think smoking a cigarette makes it feel bougie. It's like a skinny cigarette. You mind rolling it up first. And you mind wearing fingerless gloves and doing a rollie. With the key lime pie, are you having it just as is? Yeah, I don't like ice cream. Do you? Wow, this is... I do not like ice cream.

I mean, if pushed, I would have like the sorbet one, you know. We're not going to push you into it. No, you don't want to push me into it. I won't push you into anything, but I think this is... Disgraceful. Sad. I feel sorry for you. You feel sorry for me. I just, yeah, I just think I would rather a lolly than an ice cream. And even then, you know, I'd have a lolly just because, oh, it's 30 degrees. I might as well

just have a lolly, but not because I really am craving a lolly. You prefer a bowl of cold capers. I would. Yeah, yeah. No, I would. Ice cold bowl of capers. And a lovely Shirley tea. Yeah. That would be perfect. Yeah. Truly. That would. Yeah, yeah. No, I would. Ice cold bottle of capers. And a lovely Shirley tea.

That would be perfect. Yeah. That does sound good, actually. That does sound great. Shirley Temple's quite sweet though, I guess, because you're getting a bit of sweetness from your drink anyway. Yeah. Have we made a decision between this key lime pie and the crumble and custard?

I mean, it's not uniformed throughout. It's the only problem. I've fallen at the last hurdle because, you know, I like it all to be one scene. Yeah. You'd need a tiramisu, really. And I know neither of those. I I like it all to be one. And I don't know what other Italian desserts are available. Well, I guess that's not going to work. I mean, a little cannoli. I do love cannolis. Will I swap it? Shall I swap? Shall I swap it? The cannoli. It's up to you. It's your dream meal. I guess it comes down to what's the most important to you is sticking with the cuisine all the way through.

I do like that idea. Or having these favorite desserts. Yeah. I'm going to swap it. What about a cannoli with the flavors of key lime by? So yes, because you can fill it with whatever you want. Fill it with that stuff that basically is the lime, the key lime pie. So yes, because you can fill it with whatever you fill it with that. Yeah, stuff that basically is the lime, the key lime. It's not even lime flavor, is it? Yeah, key limes, maybe key lime.

Yeah, so the lime filling and then I thought I'd heard some trivia that is like actually it's not like, but then as I said before, yeah, it's the piss that gives it the flavor. Maybe I'm going to swap actually, so then it's all perfect. You want a key lime pie flavor cannoli? Yeah, or honeycomb, because I had one of them the other day and it was beautiful. I could feel it was sticking to my teeth. I could barely open my jaw. I thought this is great. Just a slab of honeycomb? In the cannoli.

In the cannoli. Yeah. Okay, I'll go for that. Yeah, I'm going to go for that. Honeycomb cannoli. I feel like I'm on some kind the cannoli. Yeah. Okay. I'll go for that. Yeah. I'm going to go for that. Honeycomb cannoli.

I feel like I'm on some kind of quiz show. Yeah. I'm going to, I've changed my mind. I lock it in. Lock it in. It's locked in. Lock it in. Lock your jaw with the honeycomb.

Yeah. Tarrant was the king of that. Lock it in. Are you sure? Okay. You're looking at him? Fine. Just so he played it so, he played a blinder every time.

It was a long time ago, wasn't it? Very long time ago. But I was thinking about it the other day and thinking like, he was always good on it. And I think it's because it was so big, but he never got another gig while it was on. That's true. So Tarrant on TV, put some respect on it. While it was on?

Yeah, that must've been at the same time, Tarrant on TV. It's funny now. I've never seen that. It was clips of wacky shows from around the world. I haven't seen that one, but I can look on YouTube after I've watched Cinderella I'll read your menu back to you now. Okay. Thank you. See how you feel about it. Okay, you're sparkling water Yeah, you would like poppies of bread. You want the anchovies on toast? Yeah, and then starter you want anchovies and toast again? Yeah, that's both times from Copenhagen. Yeah main course the pasta platter puttanesca with your bigotoni penne mashup and cacciate

pepe with spaghetti. Side dish, truffle and mushroom arancini. Do you feel that we didn't speak enough about? We didn't, but it was a good choice. Your drink, Shirley Temple and dessert, a honeycomb cannoli. That is great. That is good. And you've kept the cuisine consistent throughout. And I'm really pleased about that really. Yeah. But I would have an English breakfast after.

So once I've had the entire. Sorry. Tea. Yeah. Once I've had the entire. Honestly, for a second thought you meant you're going to have a full English. After all of that. She wasn't lying about her appetite.

Can't have all that Italian food. Yeah. Let's get this forum back. I've got myself back to blind tea. A full English. No, then I would have a cuppa at the food. Yeah, let's get this forum. I got myself back to blind tea. Full English. No, then I always have a cuppa at the end. Yeah, lovely. Round it off perfectly.

Yeah, a cuppa tea at the end. Ready for bed. Chill out. And then bed. Is it bed after the meal? That would be honest. That would be a really lovely evening. Straight to bed after that full Italian meal.

I love an early night. Yeah. Truly. I am in bed at eight o'clock. Are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. What time's mini dooly getting to bed? Eight o'clock. Are you? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What times Minnie Dooley get into bed? Eight o'clock. So a pair of us will get into bed together. You put her in bed, you go to bed. Yeah. We sleep in my bed because Kev's always on tour.

My boyfriend is on tour. He's doing Chicago at the minute. So he's like away for months and months and months. So I just think, Oh, I'll just hang out with Minnie. May as well go to bed. Do the bath, blah, blah, blah. Get her pajamas on. Plus Kev's up until three a.m. trying to work out what treat to buy you next. Correct. Sweating. He's terrified. Travelling the world, can't get him another giant Toblerone. He's all Tobleroned out.

So we're in Bed 8. Has he brought you back anything fun from his travels? Well it's a national tour. So what's he brought me back? Not really. Oh dear Kev. He's really let me down there. Kev please.

You've got to pull your socks up. You've got to try harder. Make an effort. He knows your dream menu now. He knows my dream menu. But if he doesn't make you that. He's not a brilliant cook. And he's in Chicago every night. He has to hear about wives killing their husbands. Yeah. Yeah. He's just trying to keep Roxy alive.

Take it as a warning Kev. He's just trying to keep Roxy alive. Yeah Take it as a warning Kev He's just singing razzle dazzle every night. There'll be another person in the cell block tango soon Stacey's singing about he didn't buy me a treat didn't buy me a treat There just wasn't enough fuss. Yeah my way that would work in that song as well. Yeah That would be good fuss fuss fuss out my way. That would work in that song as well. Fuss, fuss, fuss. That would be good. Fuss, fuss, fuss. Fussy fuss. Yeah.

Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Stacey. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Stacey. There we are, James. What a fun chat with Stacey. Well, I hope Kev's been listening and taking notes. Fuss, fuss, fuss. The three F been listening and taking notes. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. The three F's.

Three F's. Fantastic. Don't forget that Dear Minnie is out now. Stacey's brand new book. Do go and get yourself a copy of that. And thank you Stacey for not saying Minnie Chedders. We didn't have to kick anyone out of that dream restaurant. No, we did not.

Even though myself and Benito are both Chedheads. You're both Chedheads, but it's not very Italian mini-Chedders. No. You know? I'm mini-Chedda. Huh? I'm mini-Chedda. Yeah, good.

Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back next week with another Off Menu podcast. Goodbye. Bye. Hello there off-menu listeners. It's me, Amy Gladehill and you might remember me from my episode of Off Menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash and I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you're in the studio audience at the time. Who can forget? But that's not what we're here to

talk about. No, Northern News, our podcast, is coming back for series four. And don't worry it's not a boring news podcast. No way, we're two Northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest most bizarre local news from up north. Things like... Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bathmat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorizing Yorkshire Village and attacking children. And we're joined by special correspondents every week like you one and only Ed Gamble who you might have heard of. You'll remember him from this pod... The one you're listening to now.

Yeah. He hosts it. Yeah. Co-host. He was on my episode of Off Menu. Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was in the non-broadcast channel for a pilot I did as well.

Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy. That's Northern News out every Thursday at wherever you get your podcasts.