Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 296: Self Esteem (Live in London)

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

It’s b-b-b-b-bonus time, with a live episode from our London Palladium run, with very special guest, pop royalty Self Esteem – aka Rebecca Lucy Taylor. (Plus a cameo appearance from Corbarian, Kelly.) Self Esteem’s new album ‘A Complicated Woman’ is out now. Buy and listen to it here. Self Esteem is out tour from September. For dates and tickets visit selfesteem.love Follow Rebecca on Instagram @selfesteemselfesteem Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the London Palladium.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Surprise bitches! B-b-b-b-bonus! That's right, we are not stopping releasing these brilliant live episodes from the London Palladium run. Yes! And this one was recorded on the 22nd of March, 2025. And our guest for the evening was Rebecca... Self esteem.

Rebecca Lucy Taylor. Rebecca Lucy Taylor, AKA Self Esteem. Yes. And I just said the evening, but this is not true actually. This was an afternoon. This was a matinee show, which was, what a delight. Yes. It truly was. A podcast in the afternoon at the P a delight. Yes, it truly was a Podcast in the afternoon at the Palladium. Yes straight after lunch Yes Now that look as always there might be some callbacks for the first half that don't make sense, but it doesn't ruin it

Don't worry. It's gonna be a lot. Don't worry. We're cheeky boys. We get away with it. Yeah Excited of course to chat. I mean, you know, we've chatted to already. Yeah, we've already talked to it But we're excited to listen back. I was excited and I still am. It was a lovely chat. But as always, the audience helped us source a secret ingredient that if Rebecca said it, she would be kicked out of the Dream Restaurant, aka the London Palladium. And this week, the secret ingredient is... A self-steamed bun.

Now, a dad came up with this. A dad, we had a few dads come to the live shows, which we can't prevent from happening. We can't stop that. And this particular dad is like self-esteem bun. Self esteem. So he's trying to say self esteem. Yeah. He's trying to get a pun going on that.

And we all agreed that if it was a steamed bun that Rebecca herself had steamed, then we would count that as a self-steamed bun and she would be kicked out. It's the sort of joke that I hate unless I've come up with it. Yeah, I hate it even if I've come up with it and then it doesn't make me feel good. It didn't make me feel good to hear it

when the guy said it, but he'd also said some weird stuff before that anyway. Yeah, about eating endangered animals. He wanted to eat endangered animals, this man, and have them all in little pies and eat penguin dicks. Yes. I think we said the penguin dicks, actually. You can't prove it, Ed. This is the Off Menu Menu of Self-Esteem.

Rebecca Lucy-Tabby. Rebecca Lucy-Tabby. Live at the Palladium. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, drinking the puddle of conversation. Queuing up four individual times for the six inch subway of humour. And never getting ill again. That is a gamble. My name is James A. Castle, together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we

invite a guest in after the favourite ever start a main course of dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week our guest is... Self Esteem! The wonderful Rebecca Lucy Taylor is coming on to this stage to give us her dream menu. We know what the secret ingredient is.

If she says it, she's out on her ear, James. Out of the London Palladium. Them's the rules. Is it out of the whole venue, is it? Yeah. Out of the London Palladium, that's the rules. Is it out of the whole venue, is it? Yeah, out of the London Palladium, move, kick, kick. Give Rebecca Lucy Taylor out onto the streets. OK, that's going to be interesting if that happens. I hope it doesn't happen.

I hope it doesn't happen, actually, because I think we've talked enough tonight, you and I. I think we'd all like to hear the menu of Rebecca. So should we get on with it? Let's get on with it? This is the off menu menu of self-esteem Take a seat Rebecca, let's talk. Let's talk through the t-shirt first of all because this is a surprise for us I've seen this. It says, off men. You? Yeah.

Yeah. Fantastic. Do you mind if I sell this off my website? Please. Absolutely. No, sell it off your website. Do you mind if I give you no money at all, because you guys make a lot more than me?

Because. No, the set cost us quite a lot of money. Yeah, no. No, I actually really respect that you've got a set. Thank you. Because when I've done live podcasts before, they aren't fucking bothered with shit. Well, we don't have many guests bother making a t-shirt.

So, you know... Well, there we go. So, I brought you something, though. Oh, thank you. So, I have a song called Big Man about men being good, right? Because everyone likes to think I think men are bad. And I don't. Some of them are great. some of them go to the post office and pick up Something that you've ordered You know, I mean, but that's it is it that's the no this sucks over the song called big man

Yeah, you know was a wasn't a hit Quite a lot of caps left over got a lot of caps I quite literally dusted dust off them. But I brought you the metal, gothy one. Thank you. Thank you very much. And I brought you the sort of children's TV presenter one. Thank you.

I like it. I do like the colours a lot. I thought you would. Yeah, thank you very much Me and you have I've got a similar Sort of twee history. I think do we twee history? I don't know for certain, but I just got a feeling you mean you liked the same shit Right eyes. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I got one boy as I was out one, but I did I did. Did you masturbate a lot to Damien Rice's Oh, Like I Did?

I did listen to Damien Rice. I went to see Damien Rice at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. You shouldn't have done that at the Shepherd's Bush Empire, James. I've never masturbated. No, that tracks. I thought I'm generalizing about you, but I was right. You were right. You got two, that's two artists that I listened to probably around the same time as well, those albums.

So similar age. This is like the closest I'll come to visiting a fortune teller. And actually feeling, wow, all of that is true. So I guess something else. Yeah, yeah. Do you use Aesop products? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, do you use a soap products? Yeah. Yeah Me too Do you like to guess some things about me Rebecca?

You watch a lot of YouTube Bank to rights Want to guess anything on my algorithm? Like conspiracy theories. They're not conspiracy theories, they're realities. Anyway, hello. Hello. Everyone asked me, when are you doing this podcast? A lot, and I thought I wasn't famous enough, and lo and behold, you were waiting for me to be the main event at the London Palladium on an afternoon.

Damn right. for me to be the main event at the London Palladium on an afternoon. Yeah, absolutely. So that's why. Damn right. You're way more famous than a lot of people. We've had people like Hugh Davis on this. Poor Hugh Davis gets it in the fucking neck every week now. This is the first time we've had an ice bucket on the stage with us. No, it's not.

It is. It's the first time we've must have had one. No. I think she drank all her Prosecco before she came on. My guy. This is the first. It is a Prosecco. It's drank all her Prosecco before she came on My guy Quite nice Prosecco. I have been drinking it Previous to arriving on the stage. Oh, I wondered where you were

Now we were watching on the telly you were doing jokes, but he told something. Yeah. Thank you Yeah, we're doing our little jokes you didn't hear the secret ingredient did you I hope no I genuinely didn't because I had begun drinking the Prosecco I've had quite a lot of wee-wees yeah I was doing a wee-wee when you decided on what that was how many wee-wees would you say per glass of Prosecco does it oh it becomes? It becomes like 16, 17 minutes a time, you know. Every 16, 17 minutes you need one. Yeah, I wee a lot.

Yeah, yeah. But that's good, right? Is that healthy? I don't know if it is. No. And I barely poo. Ah. It's a whole thing.

Yeah. Anyway, my menu. Uh. We've not done the... I mean, the genie needs to make his entrance, first of all. Oh, shit. Which is good, which is good, because I was about to ask you how often you poo.

So, James, if you want to just pop behind the lamp, that would be great. Thank you. You can't... This isn't your YouTube analogy. LAUGHTER You've got to type in all the questions that you love here, find out the answer to. How often do women poo? Search. LAUGHTER

Did he go to RADA? James? No, fuck no. I didn't even go to university, mate. I grew up in Kentwood and I did a BTEC music course and then that was it. Music? Oh. Yeah, music. Look at where it's landed me. Look at where it's landed me! Look at where it's landed me!

Why do you think I went to RADA? I didn't think you did, I just wondered if you were a failed actor or not. Failed actor? You're talking to John the Mouse and Lars Penfield? Yeah, I'm Lars Penfield mate. Oh sorry, do all failed actors end up in the Ghostbusters universe? I Knew this would happen between us Now Rebecca you're very welcome to rub the lamp or you can just oh there you go Or you can imagine rubbing the lamp if you draw them imagine it. Okay, imagine rubbing the lamp

We're imagining rubbing the lamp to the to the lights people Yeah, you're not making anybody on this. Wow! Welcome Self Esteem to the Dream Restaurant for the next one to give us some time. There it is. I kept my cap on. I did the jump and the cap stayed on. That's going to sell me four to five of those. Yeah, good quality cap. Good quality merch.

Jeannie, I wouldn't trust the actual Jeannie wearing a cap. Would you? If the Jeannie pops out of the lamp and he was wearing a baseball cap? Yeah, I wouldn't. I'd think, oh, hipster Jeannie. Fuck off. Feel like he was on his day off or something, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah. B&Q. Yeah, B&Q. Jeannie and B&Q. What would he get? What would the Jeannie buy in B&Q? I guess B&Q on his day off. What would he get? What would the genie buy in B&Q? I guess a lot of polish for the lamp. He'd want to keep the lamp spick and span.

Gusters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you much of a foodie, Rebecca? Yes, it's tough though. Well, I'm a millennial woman who grew up with like, Heat magazine and whatnot. So everything that passes my lips comes with a degree of stress, which is so shit.

Not to make this serious, but genuinely. But I'm passionate. It's heaven. It's the best thing in the world, isn't it? And it's really sad for, I'll mention this a lot, women. Oh, fuck it. But yeah, I'm stressed out by it, but it's heaven, so that's how I feel about food. So what, I mean, staring down, like you're at the start of the episode, you've got to

go for your dream menu. Is it stressful or heavenly? Both, which is, you know, two things can be true at once, James. Never a truer word, Sparkling. Would you like to tell us Sparkling Water? Sparkling, because I'm not a child. What? Nah, it's just exciting, isn't it, Sparkling Water?

Have you, are you sparkling? I like sparkling now and again, but I've never drunk still water and thought, I'm being very childish today. Pussy on. But I've simply never thought that and thought I'm being very childish today Just straight down the hatch Yeah No, it's it's quite exhilarating when it's really cold. Have you ever heard has anyone had ever had topo Chico? Fuck me Chico himself is here

It's Chico time. It's phenomenal. Like, you know, it's difficult being in the UK, but one of the reasons is they don't have topo chico. They have it in America and that's not worth going for though. I've never heard of topo chico. It's just a really good fizzy water. It's just a really sparkling water. It really like assaults your mouth and I really like it. Yes intense sparkles. You can feel it

Feel it. It's a shock. It's unpleasant, but also like pleasant two things can be true at once Like the music that Ed likes system of a down love system of a down. Of course I do I didn't realize this about you and we once did a zoom podcast with like cameras off We did and then I found out you were a metalhead and I was like, I'd have approached that differently if I'd have known. How do you know that I was a metalhead? I don't know why. What would you have done?

You're just one of the last ones I loved. In media, in mainstream media. Anyway, whatever. Go on. So how would you have approached it? Are you approaching this podcast differently now that you know Ed is such a metalhead in worship? I'm catering to it. I gave him the grey black hat. Yes.

So already you're getting off to a different start. I'm a Libra, I'm a giver, I'm an empath. That's very nice of you. And do you feel better now, Ed, that you're... I feel very metal now. Yeah, do you feel seen? No, I've got my grey cap on. Do you want anything in this water,

or is it just as it is, sparkling? Ice, loads of ice. And a wedge or two of lime. Thank you very much. Is that your favorite citrus fruit, if you had to rate the citrus fruits? Yes. Yeah, number one.

I keep wanting to ask you if it's yours, and that's probably bad podcast etiquette. I would put Lime pretty high up on mine, I think. Good. Lime is number one. Lime is number one all day long. I think so, too. Would I sound like an awful prick if I brought

Yuzu into the equation? Woo! You would. Yeah. You know, if we carried on guessing things about you, we'd have got there eventually. I don't know. Most metalheads don't like Uzu, they're a very mainstream band. They like them before they got here. They tried to put a pun on Utu.

Sounds a bit like YouTube as well, we could do something with that. Oh yeah, fuck, we could have done a call back to him. If only the audience weren't here, we could have vamped on YouTube to him. Yeah, the audience went here. We could have bumped on YouTube Feel free to just because the YouTube And also I'm happy to make the cat trace of this episode if only the audience weren't It was gonna happen. She still jumped. I think she was horrible. Popadoms, obviously, because all the bits.

You get all the accoutrement. All the bits. The best bit of a curry is the onion salad for me. Yeah. Someone just went, wrong. That's funny to go wrong. I'm cancelled, that's it, it's over. Just say wrong out loud. Wrong, move on, you're wrong. I love an onion salad loads.

I love an onion, I could eat an onion like an apple. Get a grip. I respect that. Any sort of onion or is there a specific onion? White one, a nice brown. God damn fly on the stage. There's a fly on the stage. That fly was here last night as well. It was actually. We don't know if it's the same fly.

Julian Clare left his fly here. Which is a pet fly on the stage. The onion and the mango chutney, of course. There's a nice yogh yogh yoghurt. And then recently in the last few years, I've developed, you know, a tolerance for the lime pickle, which is... Love it. Fucking sick.

Love it so much. My best mate is in the house, Kelly Blanchett. Give us a woo. Woo! No, no. No, just Kelly. No, Kelly. No, that was about five of you.

That's... The blood there... I am Spartacus. The blood there is really enjoying doing it every time. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, well, you fuck that. It should be... No, that was about five of you. That was everyone. I am Spartacus. The bloke there is really enjoying doing it every time. Anyway, well, you fuck that.

She puts lime pickle on beans on toast. Oh, my God. I bet that's nice. So you can beat her up if you stand next to her out there. No, I find it delicious. The thing is about, as you get older, your tongue dies, right? Huh? Have you not noticed I didn't know that your tongue dies I think so because of all the you know, the sickies and

dicks Like you you talk to me taking me back to my Damien rice day The sickies and dicks make your tongue die Well,, don't you think? And the booze and the... Yeah. So now I need a jalapeno and everything. Yeah. You know what I mean, right? I do add hot sauce to most things, I'd say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because our tongues are dying. Yeah. Because we were born in the 80s. And the ciggies and the dicks. Yeah, and the ciggies and the dicks. Where was I? Yeah, so your tongue dies as you get older.

So things like lime pickles start to get really fucking nice. Because your tongue is dead and you couldn't handle it before. Yeah, and now it's like, what? Is your tongue one of the things that keeps growing when you're older as well? You know, like, is it your ears and your... You're asking the wrong person in this room. Is anyone a doctor? I don't think it's your tongue. I don't think you need to ask a doctor. I don't think all the people have really long tongues

Did they but the ears grow right? Yeah, your ears and your nose I think it is a nose, but not your tongue. Mm-hmm. That would be great. Oh your nose grown will be lovely Yeah, once my nose is a grown-up size My ears and my nose are absolutely tiny and yeah My ears and my nose are absolutely tiny. Oh yeah, your ears as well. If I have any glasses I'm fucked, then I'm not going to stay on my face. Hopefully you'll be old enough to, you know, you can just keep them in place with your tongue.

Sorry, I've got to read this. Really good stuff. You're ever so good, you two. You're ever so good. Because I hate comedians. Thank you for doing the podcast. But I don't mind you two at all. What comedians do you hate? I can't talk about that. List a few.

I've had sex with so many of them. Have you? Well that would lead me to believe you love comedians. No. No, no. So what is it next? My starter. I haven't heard much. I would have thought I'd have heard more gossip about that if you've been sleeping with loads of comedians. Am I not in the cool gossip circles? James, of course we're not in the cool gossip circles. Why don't people tell us when they sleep with pop stars?

People, for a long time, a lot of people are invested in my love life and I've had more than one text message saying you should go out with James A. Caster. That's the answer to everyone's problems. There's only one of me to go around, unfortunately. I'm spoken for. That's the answer everyone's problems. There's only one of me to go around unfortunately Spoken for no, you know, I wasn't thrilled to get this exposition More more than once a time in my life people were like because no one's funny Do you know me and then people go hard, you know, it was funny and got like, you know money is breathing People go, oh, do you know what's funny? And got like, you know, is breathing. Money.

Money. Money. Money. Money and is breathing. How much does set cost? I don't know. But it's on the screen. Dorito, put on the screen how much the set cost.

While we're waiting for that, Mildreds have started doing the lime pickle slaw. And I wasn't, you know, I was a big fan of Mildreds and they went chain and it got less good, but some of its is still good. This lime pickle slaw they've just introduced is outstanding next level Absolutely love it and I just think I should shout it out while we're talking about lime pickle. Yeah, they're excited about it I thought about saying a few things I like that about oh my god. That is 15k. Are you shitting me? You fucking shit and get rid of it now

We're not making any money on this shit 15k And I'm fine What were you just saying my pickle slaw shouting out stuff you want for free yeah, yeah, I like yard sale pizza Yeah, I'm not gonna, it's not on my menu. No, shout them out. Let's shout the free stuff. Marks and Spencer's food hall. Really good. There's one open near where I'm living and it's truly become our plans. Yeah. What we're going to do today, go to M&S food hall. What's your favorite thing in the M&S food hall?

So the orange cordial have you fucked with that? No, I've not fucked with the M&S orange cordial. Oh It's so bad I go through it really quickly. Yeah I've got one of them big flasks to hydrate because I'm always trying to be more healthy than I am and I fill it with the orange cordials from M&S, which is counterintuitive. I think people have taken hydration too far these days. Tell me more because I'm fed up of it. It was never, I'd say last 10 years, like people are like, you've got to hydrate,

you've got to have a massive flask with you all the time. 10 years ago, people were drinking less water and they weren't walking around like big crisps or anything, were they? My mom's never drank water and she's still alive. Yeah. My parents look awful. What age were you? Well, when they, did you say your parents I've got the life, so... My parents look awful. LAUGHTER

What age were you? When they... Did you say your parents divorced? No. I said they look awful. But you thought I said divorced and you were laughing your head off. LAUGHTER That would have been... If you just said my parents are divorced, that would have been funny.

Yeah, just to say that out of nowhere for no reason. That is funny. And they won't let me be on Taskmaster for a full season. Yeah, they're not divorced. There's still time. They could get divorced. It'd be funny. They need to learn their truth. They've been together for a long time. They've got three kids. You know, we've all been moved out of the house for ages now and they're still together. It'd be very funny if they sat us all down and announced they're getting divorced.

Yeah. I'd laugh. Where are you in the three? Top. We're not talking in terms of bank balance. Oldest. Oldest of the three. I wouldn't have thought that, would you? You definitely have middle to youngest energy.

Yeah, middle. Yeah, well, if you met us all as well, you would still think that yeah, you wouldn't go He's the oldest one you would be like, oh, that's like the youngest one or the middle one or a child from a different mammature Who grew up as an only child and doesn't really know those other two or a kid who they exclusively raised in the garden. A garden kid. Dream starter. Obviously, there's loads of options. But I thought I would tell you about a sandwich from a shop in Sheffield called Brigazzi's.

Very Sheffield surname. And I thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you about the female, some women, not all women, but some women have menstrual cycles. Mm-hmm. Do you know anything about that James? No, but I'm willing to learn. That's what I thought I'd tell you about because you famously, you know, it's when women are like moody and their tummies hurt but also what no one talks about is the insatiable hunger, right? Am I right? Am I right? It's like hell because you're also trained to not ever want, you know, You're meant to not eat.

The patriarchy has told you you're not meant to really eat anything. And then at the worst time of the month, every month, all you can think about is food. And anyway, once upon a time, I was in that part of the month. You've both been really serious about this. It's very difficult to know what's a chip in with Rebecca if I'm honest. I don't know how it would come across if throughout that I was going that's right this is the problem with me. So you go this is fucking disgusting

gross no you really I feel like I'm to be a real edgelord here. I'm going to really spice things up and you've both been dead respectful and nice and listened. But anyway, I was in the studio, because I'm a musician, don't know if you know about it all. Big time. And I was very hungry, because I was very much day 28 of my cycle. And...

Is that what the zombie film is about? Eh? Is that what the zombie film is about? Is that what the zombie film is about the zombie film 28 days later? Oh, I didn't even get that Yeah, I thought I was like what the substance No, but if you know if someone wants to give me a load of money to make that movie, I will. 28 Days, due on. It's... It's truly as hell. Anyway, I was in the studio in Sheffield, Tesla Studios.

Shout out David Glover, my good friend. Oh, really? Do you actually know him? What a prick. LAUGHTER He went to Bregazzi. It's a bit of a walk, because I was in such a fucking foul mood, I didn't go. And he came and I, and when you go to an Italian sandwich shop and they say, what do you want? Right?

You're like, oh, that sexy bread and then pesto, chicken, tomato, basil, done, right? I assume. Like I'm quite basic. And that's what I was expecting him to bring back. And he got back and said, I just said whatever you think, mate. To the man behind the counter. And I was like, I do love David Glover with all my heart. He's family to me. But I was like, fuck you.

How dare you do this to me today? But it was a sandwich where I think it was an olive tapenade. Nice. Tapenade. Tapenade, yeah. Tapenade. Tapenade. Aubergine, like a grilled tofuk, aubergine slop.

Nice. Chicken, some sort of salami, cheese, rocket, pesto on the top bit of the bread. And I took a bite and I'm not ashamed to say I shed tears. And I shed tears because I was, this is not even, I'm not even trying to be funny. And I was like, oh, like you're alive. And isn't being alive nice?

And part of being alive is that you get to eat this. And oh, I've felt like the mad connection to the earth. During it. Is it all right to have a sandwich as misato? Yeah, hell yeah. Especially when it made you shed a tear. Yeah. I genuinely cried. Yeah. I don't think we've actually had...

We've done a lot of episodes of this podcast. I don't think we've had someone say about eating something and it's been like, oh, I'm alive. And that means... But I've had those moments. Oh, God, yeah. Well, I've been eating something and you do think, weirdly, about your own mortality all of a sudden, because this is so good that you feel lucky to be alive

and it's good to stop and appreciate those moments. Goosebumps. Regularly when I eat something that I've not eaten before, I get full goosebumps. Like what? All over my body. Chicken or goods? First meal I had in a restaurant after COVID.

Went to the Quality Chop House and had to sit outside, and there was like a truck and a digger nearby working on the road. It was a horrible setting, and they brought out a steak, and I took a bite of the steak, and I was like a truck and a digger nearby working on the road, a horrible setting, and they brought out a steak, and I took a bite of the steak, and I was like, oh, my fucking God! It's just the best moment of my life. I'm alive.

What star sign are you? I think you should guess. LAUGHTER What are you picking up from him that made you ask that question? I just suddenly realised I wanted to know. Okay, so you just weren't listening to me. Virgo. Fair enough.

I was like, what's Star Sign is actually? Star Sign is crick. You're talking bollocks, what's Star Sign? Virgo? No, not Virgo. I'm out. Why did you guess Virgo? Because it's Rockin. Oh, yeah, because it's rockin. The bull. Is it the bull? No, it's Taurus. No, I'm not Taurus. I'm Pisces

The big wet fish. Whoa What does that mean? It just means you're gonna be a vital part of the rest of my life. Oh, excellent Great news. My mom, my dad, my brother, my ex-girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend, my producer, all fucking Pisces. All Pisces. All ruined my life. So welcome, friend. What are you going to do?

What are you? Huh? What are you? I don't have a birthday. No, I believe it. I believe it. I believe it. Little garden boy. Grew over a period of time on a tree and then dropped off.

There's no specific date that marks when I was born. He puts one pebble in a pile every year. I'm going to pour more Prosecco. You must. Go for it. The fly's back. Don't clap that. You must go for it. The flies back Yeah, oh yeah, it was always gonna happen You've been far too gung-ho with that that microphone Sorry, Charlie.

The first two shows of this run, James's game was kneeing the microphone into the air and seeing if he could catch it. So he's already smashed the fuck out of that microphone. How much do microphones cost Benito? Can you put it on the screen? It's about 15k, isn't it? Welcome to being a pop star. What was it like for Catchatcha Bread, this sandwich? Yeah, but thin. So it's mainly thin.

Like it's sort of like slightly thicker than an iPhone size. Do you know what I mean? Nice, yeah. You know the one. Which generation iPhone? Current. Current, nice, okay. You've got the new one because you like tech.

I don't have the new one. you like tech. I don't have the new one. I watched all my videos on my laptop. I'm always blown away by people who watch YouTube on their phones. They're not picking up on any of the details of the QAnon. Your dream main course, because I'm going to get it away from Ed's opinions. Your dream main course well after much deliberation Christmas dinner someone over there what anyone else said that that guy he stood up in the first half what did Stephen Graham say Stephen

I wasn't this and all I could think was I'm gonna pummel him how is this still your attitude, Jobs? If I ever see that guy again, he's dead. So because I'm like really anti-men and their aggression, when I listened to that podcast, yeah, I got really turned on. You weren't the only one. And some of us were in the room. He's so fit. Yeah. I can't believe you met him. were in the room. He's so fit.

I can't believe you met him. Pocket rocket, man. Like, fuck me, he's sexy. I do like he came on to talk a little bit about his current Netflix show, which is all about the problem of male violence, and James went in going, I'm going to beat the fuck out of him. It was perfect. Really good podcasting. When they tell me, you know, not to tug my tail, but everyone's always like, you should do a podcast.

Yeah. And I say, until it's as good as Stephen Graham on Off Menu, I'm not going to do one. You could get Stephen Graham, you could do a podcast with Stephen Graham, the two of you. Do you think? I reckon people would listen to that. How much did it cost to get him on it? I bet he said, put it on the screen

Get Stephen Graham on the podcast Christmas dinner. Yes, of course, right? I mean, it's a fantastic choice. We have had Richard Osmond chose Christmas dinner I believe he's my celebrity friend is he he's one of the people who suggest That's your car with him suggested I should go out with him. LAUGHTER Didn't know he'd said that. Not as smart as he seems, is he? LAUGHTER

He's good at formats, you know. Yeah, yeah. But he's a smart man. Genuinely, this is genuinely the truth. He's who I ask for help with. In your love life? No, no adult things. Well, yeah, but just, you know, like tax and stuff.

Like, yeah. Fucking husband. He's a really lovely man. And he's been really kind to me. Message in the middle of the night. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Self-esteem asking about taxes, isn't it?

Oh, God. But then it's always nice to give men an opportunity to tell women things, isn't it? You know what I mean? We're not allowed to these days. No, I know it. But that's what I mean. When I say ask for help, I know it's a gift.

Richard Osman, Josie Long, Rhys Shearsmith and Nick Mohammed have all asked for Christmas dinners. Josie Long as well. Yes. You know when you're watching the... My current male lover is an actor. And we watch the telly and he goes, ah, Steven. Like, ah, Mark. Because he knows them.

And I go, oh, Mark. And then really emasculate him every time. And I just did that then with Josie Long. Josie, my friend who I was once at a festival once with. We're going to need to talk through it though because this Christmas dinner of course I think is going to be very different to the rest of the Christmas dinners that people have suggested. Why? Because everyone's got their own version of Christmas dinner right? They've all got their little twists. Yes, well I think Janet and Andy, my parents, I've had Christmas Day there every single year.

I've never gone anywhere else. Wow. Still, which is now like, I can't do anything else. If I did, it would be enormous. What would it take for you to have Christmas dinner somewhere else? What if you're your current male lover? Nah, man. Fuck him. I've got to go to Anston.

I'm from a place called Anston in Rotherham. No whoops. Rare to get no whoops I'll be honest with you. More people know your producer. But no, we just have you know turkey every single year. It's M&S turkey. My mum goes, oh it's quite moist this year. My mum thinks it's the turkey's fault whether or not it's moist. Yeah. And then we have sprouts. How are they being prepared? Just boiled.

Boil the fuck out of them fuckers. And then obviously I have to gobble like 15 windies. But there's no prob... 15 windies. Windies? Like a many? You're not familiar with... Yeah, better than a many though. Straight to the heart of the issue.

Oh, wow. I thought, genuinely, that windies are what you call Brussels sprouts. I thought you were saying you have 15 windies. Brussels sprouts. Yeah, I have about seven sprouts and 15 windies. 15 windies. What's the total, Benito? And then, long story long, my mom and dad, well,

I had a nan and granddad who were the best ever, spent loads of time with them. My nan was amazing at cooking and baking. Every Christmas, and it's only at Christmas, would we have this thing that my family called gratin. I think they meant gratin. Mm-hmm. And it was this stuff of legend. You couldn't wait.

You literally couldn't wait for this gratin. And as I got into my teens and stuff, and late teens and 20s, we'd go and get really horribly pissed up on Christmas Eve at a pub called the Leeds Arms. And we were nowhere near Leeds. But you'd go, and I don't know if anyone relates, but you've left school. But you go in, and it's with everyone from school.

And you want to look fit, and impressive then impressive and it was you know, high octane night Do you know what I mean? Do not go to the pub with these schoolmates? No, I used to do that Christmas Eve 100% Yeah, you should do that went through a period of about five years of doing that get back about one in the morning on Christmas day And eat half the food for the fridge This story because I would eat the gratin cold, pre-ovened. Respect. Cold gratin. And the thing is, I don't know what you think, but I think I seem quite hedonistic and I

do what I want, but I'm very well behaved. And that was one of the worst things I've ever done. Oh, so you've only done it once and they woke up in the morning and were like, I was just like sheer disappointment. Anyway, anyway, anyway. What's in the graph? Well, this is the thing. Yeah, I thought it was mystical, very important thing. It's just like cheesy leeks. Yeah. That's good though. Yeah, with like breadcrumbs on top.

Is it like a cheesy sauce, like a white sauce? Yeah. And you're eating that cold and... I did precooked. That's how pissed I was. Yeah, alright. Earlier, Ed showed full respect to a man in the audience who drinks the water from mozzarella pouches.

So he can't look down on you for this. He's got to look this. So he can't look down on you for this. He's got to love this. Does he? I was listening. This chap does. Yeah. He's a bad man.

Is he all right? He wanted to eat endangered animals as well. And causes. Yeah. All right. Nothing. Would you not drink the mozzarella water? I haven't yet, but if I was, you know.

If you're hammered and it was Christmas another pandemic. Yeah Might think about it guys good to think isn't it? Yeah, my fingers crossed. There'll be another pandemic and then you can Media for the whole of the pandemic did you like sexy like yeah all day every day propping the phone up shower in Our house with my mom and dad at my mom and and dad as well. Yeah. He was my world. You can't keep dangling these things in front of us and then not giving a name. And then lockdown lifted and he was like no I don't want to be. Full respect. That's alright, I'm fine. Legend. That's weird. Yeah. Shout out Hugh Dennis. I'm racking my brains for someone funnier to say. Gino De Campo.

No, no. No, not Gino De Campo. Wait, who's the fella on Five Live? Adrian Charles. Adrian Charles. Adrian Charles is who I'm thinking of. Do you want to know something funny though? Today, I have a new song.

I have a song on my album called 69. I don't know if you're familiar with it. I've heard that, yes. Where I list sex positions and I sort of rate them and I say whether or not I want them. And in the second verse I say, if you beg, I will peg. Right? Only I don't love pegginggging it just is a good rhyme yes but I woke up today it did the usual you know ignore my current male lover go on

my phone Eamon Holmes is like to your reel And I go, which reel? Yeah. Clickety-click. It's the reel I put out about three weeks ago where I say, if you beg, I will peg. Eamonn Holmes. Eamonn Holmes. You dirty birdie. Pay my mortgage, so do you know what I mean? It's not, I have a lot of that.

I love that for Aedman. Anyway, Christmas. I guess I have to ask you, I have to ask you a dream side dish now? There's more, I mean, we've not talked about roast potatoes, you know. I'm not a big potato head. Okay. But I am going to contradict myself with my side, but I'm not the biggest potato head in the world. For me, it's gravy, the cheesy sauce, those tiny little sausages. This is all on the Christmas dinner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The tiny little sausages. The turkey even, the turkey. Stephen Graham. The turkey with the cranberry sauce. My mum and dad always get like... They call it stuffing, but it's like sausage meat. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Is that right? Yeah, but that's the best sort of... I don't like the herby kind of... But when it is just sausage meat, I like it great. I just love it. And over the years, it's just become me, Janet and Andy at the table. And we spend plenty of time together as it is, and then we just sit together again and eat this horribly huge meal. And I immediately fall asleep.

Andy does the washing up and it's lovely. You know. You said you wouldn't have guessed that I was the oldest. Are you an only child? No, I've got an older brother, but you know. You've got an older brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I wouldn't have thought you were the youngest.

We can talk about it off stage. If you want. Save all our conversations for after the podcast. Is this, is it the Christmas dinner, your dream menu because of how amazing the Christmas dinner is or the fact that you have it with Janet and Andy every year and what it represents? Wow. Two things can be true at once. That's true.

It is, it is. Because you made the turkey sound absolutely disgusting. No, no, it's always fine. That's the thing. Me and mum will be like, oh, it's not good. And I'm like, turkey is just a vehicle for the gravy and some else. Is there a mum in history, though, who's ever put a Christmas dinner down and gone,

it's fucking brilliant this year? No, but you know when I think about having children, that's the kind of mum I'll be. Yeah. Yeah. So dream side dish for the, because it's quite hard doing dream side dish for a Christmas dinner. There's so much in there.

Well, what I don't get about off menu is do you have to, you know, does it all have to make sense? No, not at all. Yeah. So I would get these chips, right? Yeah. From this place called Tampa in Sheffield. Yes. And it was the first place, you know, exposed brickwork, flat white.

Like, it was the first hipster place that came to us. And recently I went there and had these fries that were just groundbreaking. And then the lovely waitress came over and I was like, what is on them? And she said chicken salt. Oh, yes. So the chicken salt fries from Tampa Sheffield is what I would have as my side dish. What is chicken salt? Because you hear about it a lot and you taste it and you think, that salt tastes like chicken.

I think it must be, you know when you get a pedicure I think they give chickens pedicures on the chips is grated chicken delicious and I it's not putting me off I'm chipping and I like you know you like suck off the chip and then let the chip go in? Yeah. Oh yeah. If it's got, yeah, you know what, you fucking know what I mean, well and truly. Yeah, yeah.

You're from Northampton. Yeah, Northampton shit. Please. Is that a Northampton and Sheffield thing, sucking a chip off? Yeah, we have a competition every year. Northampton versus Sheffield, sucking off chips. Well, how do you think I met my best friend who has the lime, pickle and beans on toast?

She's from Corby. Whoa! Corby is the... They are the rivals of Kevin. They're here, are they? Well, she's here, yeah. I kept her apart from you in my dressing room because I was worried about the tension. Yeah, there'll be a lot of tension. There's tension now. I'm now on high alert.

Yeah, yeah. She's in the room. Didn't know there was a Corbarian in the room. Disgusting. Kelly, do you want to shout an insult to James Acaster? Sheep shagga. Sheep shagga. They do call us that. Really?

Corby people call Catwin people sheep shagga. But isn't that the Really? Corby people call Keprin people sheep shaggers. But isn't that the normal sort of thing people say about Welsh people? Yeah, yeah, but somehow... My fellow sheep shaggers... See you later on, we can't, we won't find many around London. But I'll sort out a minibus for us all. We can go... He's got money. He can put a bus on. I've got money. I can get a bus together for me and my fellow sheep shaggers.

So why are people from catering sheep shaggers in the eyes of Corberians? I still don't understand. Maybe Kelly knows. Kelly, what makes him a sheep shagger? I think they've got more grass than us. What? What? They've got more grass than us. Yeah, we do have more grass. More opportunity.

Yeah, we're surrounded by fields. That's the thing. That's the thing. That's why there's so many privileged musicians, because they just had more opportunity. That's what it is. So we got more opportunity, so that's why we can shag more sheep. That would suggest that if the people of Corby had more opportunity, they would be shagging more sheep.

Yeah, yeah, they would. Yeah. If I had more opportunity, I'd have been Mumford and Sons. You know what I mean? I went to school with them. Same year? No, they were a year below me. Really?

Two of them. There's so much to talk about when we're not on this thing. Their new song is called... Why are we saying constantly we have so much to talk about? Yeah, it's a bad podcast. And you won't hear any of it. How do you do a live podcast? You constantly say, I'm going to say something else. I'm constantly having to say stuff, hoping that everyone just keeps it among themselves.

I don't know, Mumford and Sons Shouts Sheep. Their new single song is called Rushmere, which is the name of the pond, which is opposite the school we went to. And song is called Rushmere which is the name of the pond which is opposite the school we went to and they called it Rushmere because they were like that's where because everyone used to hang out around the pond and that's where they Met and were chatting about forming a band and that's took them on this wonderful journey through music And Rushmere to me is where I tried poppers for the first time These chips sound incredible. They were, they were, and they came to me in the time I needed them most.

Is that something you're going to tell us after the podcast? I was just hungover. Did they come with a dip or anything? Well, this is the thing. I'm a condiment head, right? Ketchup, mustard, mustard before mayo. Mustard before mayo. I completely agree with you.

And when you get, you know, I do, I don't, you know, the money I don't make in the music industry, I don't know if I mentioned it, I spend on things like Deliveroo burgers. Yeah. things like Deliveroo burgers. Like 40 quid I'll just spunk on a burger and chips at 9.35 on a Wednesday. And when they come with the old, you know, Marlowe's burger sauce stuff, I fucking love all that. Yeah, I completely agree. I mean, my fridge is like half condiment at the moment. What's your favourite?

I've got a lot of hot sauces in there at the moment. But condiment-wise, I've got to say, the Laugen Mild Crispy Chilli Oil is my go-to. Hang on. Is that that? Kelly, is that what you gave me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. It's incredible. What is it? Well, it's just got loads of chillies in it. Some of them you can get peanuts in it. It's like Szechuan peppercorns as well, I think. And I can honestly, and I have done before,

stand up in the kitchen and eat from that jar like it's a big yolk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Kelly got it to me as a present once, and we recently cracked in. And it was quite stressful, actually. Me and my current male lover were like,

we've got to go steady with this. It's full on, and you can put it on anything. Oh my god, ugh, this is good podcasting. Ice cream, you can put it on ice cream? You can put it on ice cream, 100%. What's your favourite condiment? I mean, genuinely, I think lime pickle is up there at the minute, but the one that I've got the most of in the house because of all the takeaways is I order a lot of sushi on Deliveroo.

Somebody's doing well. Yeah. I'm doing really well. LAUGHTER And... Genuinely, it's really inspiring. It is very inspiring. I might become a comedian because it looks easy.

LAUGHTER It is pretty easy. Very few overheads, normally. Fucking Albinator Yeah, when we're not for no reason for my massive clouds in the poppadom. That's a pop and I'm knowing that even What those daisies a pop Thing there people think it's the Sun. Yeah, what are the daisies though? They're daisies. Okay, okay I don't think they are daisies man honeycomb. Oh what the lights?

Yeah, they're just lights I think For what it's worth. I have more respect for you than I expected to have lovely Because of the set for it's worth. I have the same amount I anticipated for you Loads based in fear loads and loads. Based in fear. If you didn't, you'd seem sexist. Yes.

James, we've interviewed a few people. Do we think it's a good sign when they curl up into the fetal position? Only if they're pissed. I'm not pissed yet. No. I'm like a massive, thick, blooded horse. It takes me ages. It's very expensive. Honestly, all drugs.

All alcohol. Even like Neurofen, I have to have six. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surely if you're a horse though, the ketamine gets into your system quite quickly. I only did ketamine once and it made me very hungry. Which I thought again, back to, you know, I thought I don't need that. Yeah, that again. Thank you.

Heat magazine. Yeah. I think it's a good sign that we've got comfy chairs that you feel you can sit like that, that we've provided you with a nice comfy chair. I think you're overanalyzing it. I need a piss really bad. Yeah, of course. Every 16 minutes. Do you want to go?

It's been ages. Can I? Yeah, yeah, we'll fill you while you go for a piss. You guys can vamp. Yeah, don't worry. I don't want you being uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. It's out that way.

Go for a piss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, go for it. Kelly, do you want to come up and sit here? Kelly, do you want to come and have a quick chat? Kelly, just if you can fill in, please. There you go. Welcome, Kelly. Hello, Kelly.

Kelly's here, everybody. Hello. Nice to meet you. Kelly's in the dream restaurant. Thank you for coming. Lovely to meet you, Kelly. Take a seat. Grab the microphone.

Oh, thank you. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, Kelly. Hi, guys. A fish tattoo. This is a food podcast, thank you. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, Kelly. You have a fish tattoo. This is a food podcast, of course. It's exciting to see an item of food on your... Already, are you a fish fan or what is the tattoo? Oh, can I guess your star sign?

Go for it. I'd love you to. Pisces? No. It's an anchovy. It's an anchovy. Well, that's what the tattooist said. Great.

I just chose it from a wall. Because it looked cool, not because you're a fish fan. But I tell people I'm a fish fan. Yeah, you got it right. You gotta go, I love fish. It's not just because the tattooist tricked me. Yeah, I told a guy that it was an anchovy and he said to me, anchovies didn't exist.

What? A man in a... He was a chef. A chef told you that. He said it was just a cut of another fish. That is absolute horse shit Kelly. Is that true? No, it can't be true.

You get them whole. It can't be that other fish have a full fish coming off of them. I won't tell you what restaurant he works for. You should tell us tell you should definitely I'm too scared. You should tell us I want to speak to this guy. I can tell you after the podcast. Oh fuck Absolutely fantastic. Yeah, Kelly everybody She's greatnier than me. She's great. She's wonderful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, good. Now seems like an appropriate time to ask. Dream drink. Just as you come back from the toilet. I'd love more. No. Well, OK, so not alcoholic. OK. A full-fat Coca-Cola.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fully. Hits the spot. This is just like the best thing ever. The best joke on Peep Show is when Jeremy orders a 50 pound bottle of wine and he's like fuck and then he sips it and goes yeah it's nice. I mean it's not Coca-Cola but that's exactly how I feel. It's just delicious right? No I'm not a fan of the full fat Coca-Cola. Fuck off. To me, if it's from a can, it always tastes like the metal of the can. And I don't know why.

Get a grip. But you love metal. I do love metal. But also I think it's because I'm type 1 diabetic. And full fat Coca-Cola is essentially like holding a grenade. You got diabetes? Yeah. Yeah, I keep I can keep it under my hat a lot.

Trying to think we had a guest who also quoted that part of Peep Show, which I'm always glad when people do, it really sticks in my head as well. It's a lovely and I even think I'm not sure about if I've got this right that that episode is set in Kettering as well there's an episode of peep show where they go to Kettering and we were all very excited in Kettering so there was an episode set in Kettering and the kind of butt of the joke the whole series the whole episode the joke was Mark fucks a sheep yeah there in Kettering and it's rubbish.

But, um, yeah, I really want to remember who else said it, because a guest come on and referenced it, and maybe, what are you paying them for? Benito, put on the screen, what other guest referenced that line in Peep Show? He's not going to know, he's going to be back there looking at his spreadsheet, his fucking head's going to be popping off.

He's going to be a comedian, I fucked. And we watched it at the same time. It says, I don't know that obviously on the screen. Phil Dunster said it. Oh there you go. We got someone who would probably remember this. Phil Dunster from Ted Lasso. I haven't shagged him. You know Ted Lasso?

No but you know when I auditioned for it I got quite close to a part and I was like, here we go. I'm an actress and I didn't get it. That's exciting. What part was it? Some lesbian in the second season. I don't remember what character that would be. Probably went to Anne-Marie. She gets everything I don't get.

You have it in the can and it tastes like metal. Or are you going to have it in the glass bottle? Can, can, can, can, can. Can all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ice cold? Ice cold, can. Beautiful.

Pfft. And then alcohol. I like a thin-rimmed glass of dry white wine with at least four ice cubes in it, because I'm a heathen. The girlies know. And you need to- You can't tar all girlies with that brush. You're an absolute heathen.

You fucking can. And we all need our phones taking off us when we've had three of them. I call it mad juice. Yeah. Let's go mad. Let's get wild. See, this is a good opportunity for you, I think, to launch your own wine called mad

juice. Fucking hell, I'd love to. There's a song on my new album, though, where I talk about my sort of love-hate relationship with alcohol. She laughed. So, I think all the alcohol sponsorships are gonna stop after My album comes out some of the really irresponsible companies might get on board. Well genuinely I was like this They're always like drink aware and I'm like, well, I've literally written a song saying just don't drink too much. Hey, yeah

Like the Barbie movie they basically slugged off Barbie in it and celebrated it at the same time. Mattel absolutely loved that. You could do that with alcohol. I'd love the Barbie movie money. You are obsessed with money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would be too if your parents weren't rich. They're not. I am.

You did it, baby. My parents are old and penniless. And you've already said they look horrible. They look like shit. I didn't even go to university. Do you want to guess where I went to university? Loughborough Do I look like I did sports science Nah Durham

Both yeah, so did you do philosophy? So I shouted when I picked up my degree What'd you get to one to one Fucking out my ex is doing a philosophy PhD it's taking her ages. Hmm. They would take ages the BA BA is the classic three years And I really didn't read any of the stuff I was supposed to Who's your favorite? Oh Who's my favorite philosopher I

Don't know this about you. This is exciting. I don't know who your favorite philosopher my favorite modern philosopher is Chris Martin from Coldplay We arrive at your dream dessert. Alright. Kierkegaard. Just want everyone to know I do know some philosophers. She loves it. Kierkegaard as well. Who's that? Danish. It's stoic?

Is he a stoic? I can't remember that. A lot of good religious stuff anyway. Yeah, love that. Drink dessert. Now. It's very specific. It's very specific. Great.

Are you familiar with the works of Mr. Rudyard Kipling? Yes. Hang on. Oh, let's see. Okay. Please carry on, Rebecca. He does this thing called a cherry bakewell. OK.

And they come in sixes. And you'd think I would have four of them, but I have six of them. In a bowl. Decant them from their little silver coats. This is good. This is good. Put them in the microwave for... Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No one was expecting that. I was going to say 80 seconds,

but what I meant was under a minute. Yeah. Both things can be true. Yeah. So like 40 seconds. You're very nimble. Yeah. Not nimble enough to get this goddamn fly. Guy grew up in the garden, he had to be nimble.

Oh yeah. Fair, fair, he had to be nimble. Especially during the winter. Burying all my food. Anyway, you put them in the microwave briefly, custard on the hob though in a pan, ideally these days since you know Six Music played me loads. I get the vanilla pod Yeah, fine. It's custard with black bits in Almost all of the pot of custard and that's my favorite dessert great What's wrong with what's wrong with that? No, that is delicious I was gonna really back you on that actually I think that is fantastic. Is it custard from a particular place? Just, yeah, like Tesco or Sainsbury's finest.

A good like £4.50, do you know what I mean? Yeah, nice proper custard. And how did you, because this sounds like a dessert you invented. No, it's genuinely from childhood. My mom and dad would do, we'd have Sunday, we would have Sunday dinner and then it would be like a a dessert in a silver jacket You know mm-hmm. It was different types of dessert always by mr.. Rudyard Kipling

Yes, every time so there's always be a Rudyard. Well. Why would you deviate from perfection? Tell me a Rudyard Kipling dessert you wouldn't eat. You can't. But, can you put the full catalogue of Rudyard Kipling desserts on the screen, please? No, I can't. I can't tell you. Can you? No, I don't.

I mean, Rudyard Kipling means a lot to me. When me and my wife first met, we were like, hanging out for a long time. We just used to sit in the house and rot and just eat loads of mini Battenbergs. And just, this is mad, watching her eat mini Battenbergs. She'd just peel the icing and the marzipan off, eat that first, and then eat the cake,

just straight in like a beaver chewing a log. I can see why you married it. Yeah. But one day, I'm going to marry that marzip a beaver chewing a log. I can see why you're married. Yeah. But one day I'm going to marry that marzipan beaver. How long have you been married? Since 2021. They've been together for like... Loads.

30 years. Oh, you're one of them, are you? Big wife guy. Wife guy. Love that. Anything to add? I think it's a nice relationship. Big wife guy. Wife guy. Love that. Anything to add? I think it's a nice relationship. Can you remember when Kelly came up?

You weren't here for that. Did you hear what we were talking to Kelly about? Can you guess? It was probably Corby related. No? She listed all the comedians you've shown. LAUGHS And she knows them all. She's the keeper of my secrets. Yeah. What will you do with the silver little jackets afterwards, by the way? Are you rolling them up? So, genuinely, I would make...

Cos from childhood, I was a big Barbie head. Mm. My current male lover is really good looking and tall. Great. He has like nine abs. Fantastic. And I call him. That's weird though, isn't it?

Nine's a bit weird. No, I mean. I'd want there to be an even number. You know what? 10. 10. He's got 10. The 10th one's on the way.

He eats like so much food and nothing happens to him. Yeah. Six sausages a day. Wow. Honestly, nothing green passes his lips. Really? Anyway, I... Are you sure that the Alps aren't just sausages?

They might be tumours. Yeah. I call him my Barbie because I like dressing him up in clothes. That's nice. Anyway, what were we talking about? I don't think it matters. I think that's all the information we need. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What happens to the little jackets, I think? That was it. So Barbies, I loved Barbies. And I used to make little, you know, those hats, millennial women in the house, raise up. And I used to make little, you know those hats, millennial women in the house, Rose up! You'd make those hats that came up at the front with like a rose on, blossom hat. So I'd make little blossom hats for all my Barbies with them. With the little silver jackets.

Quite easy to do and I still do it to this day. Lovely. Yeah, his head's too big for it. It'd be funny if he had a tiny head after the rest of the description of him. All the emasculation has shrunk his head. Really tall, eight abs and a tiny head. My guy. But his great thing is his tongue will always keep growing.

Yeah. I've had a right laugh here. I really have. So I love the sound of this dessert. I think it sounds great. I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. You would like topo chico sparkly water with lots of ice and a wedge of lime. Pappadoms with all the bits, onion salad, mango chutney, yogurt and lime pickle. Starter, olive tapenade, grilled aubergine, chicken salami,

cheese rocket and pesto sandwich from Brigazis in Sheffield. Main course, Christmas dinner. M&S turkey sprouts, leek gratin, gravy, cheese sauce, tiny little sausages, cranberry sauce and stuffing with Janet and Andy. Side dish. Sorry that stuffing was last. Stuffing with Janet and Andy.

That was out of my hands that one. It was written in order of what you said I guess. That's not an ideal, I'm apologising. Side dish. Chips with chicken salt from Tampa in Sheffield. Drink, ice cold can of full fat Coca-Cola, thin rimmed glass of dry white wine with at least four ice cubes. Dessert, six Mr. Rugyard Kipling cherry bakewells in a bowl, microwave briefly, pop heated with the finest of customs. That is the off menu menu of Selfish Meal. Thank you very much. Thank you.

What a delicious menu. Thank you. So we're going to do a photo in front of the stage, which will be the photo we put out on Instagram. You'll all be in your photo. Is it okay to put my arms around you? Of course. No. Give it up for the brilliant Self Esteem! Rebecca Lucy Taylor everybody!

Thank you very much for coming guys, you're a fantastic audience, we'll see you again soon, bye! Goodbye, have a lovely evening! Well there we are, James. Self Esteem at the London Palladium. Fantastic. Fantastic episode. Thank you so much, Rebecca, for coming on the podcast. Thank you to the audience as well for being there.

And Self Esteem's new album, A Complicated Woman, is out now and she's on tour across the UK and Ireland in September and October 2025. So go to selfesteem.love for dates and tickets. And a reminder, we are back being live boys, because we are bringing Off Menu Live, the tasting menus to the Royal Albert Hall in London in March 2026. Go to offmenupodcast.co.uk for dates and tickets. Bye! Bye! Hey! seaweed on mash and I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in

a non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you were in the studio audience at the time. Who can forget? But that's not what we're here to talk about. No! Northern News, our podcast, is coming back for Series 4. And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast. No way. We're two Northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest most bizarre local news from up north. Things like... Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bath mat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorizing Yorkshire village and attacking children.

And we're joined by special correspondents every week like you one and only Ed Gamble who you might have heard of. You'll remember him from this podcast, the one you're listening to now. Yeah. He hosts it. Yeah. Co-host. He was on my episode of Off Menu. Was he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was in the non-broadcast channel for a pilot I did as well. Oh, he will have been. He's a nice guy. That's Northern News out every Thursday at wherever you get your podcasts.