Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 297: Joanne McNally

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

In our last episode of the series, stand-up, podcaster, Taskmaster star and self-proclaimed Pinotphile – Joanne McNally – joins us in the Dream Restaurant. Please listen responsibly. We’ll be back very soon with a new series of Off Menu. Joanne McNally is on tour now with ‘Pinotphile’. For dates and tickets go to joannemcnally.com Follow Joanne on Instagram @joannemcnally Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Whoa! We've not had that one before. That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Joanne McNally. Joanne McNally an absolute smash hit of a stand-up comedian James. A force of nature. Force of nature. Joanne is absolutely hilarious she was also on Taskmaster of course. Brilliant on Taskmaster. Joanne is back on tour. She's doing her new show, Penophile. I mean, Ed told me that he laughed out loud when he read that and I can't say I disagree

with him there. Yes, Penophile. Her last show was such a massive success that, I mean, I don't know how long it ran on for. She sold so many tickets on that tour. I'll tell you what, sold even more of on that tour. Prosecco. Since this is a food podcast. Yeah. That is relevant. I'm sure we will speak about Prosecco with you. Or indeed Pinot.

Or indeed Pinot. Yeah. And listen, we have chosen a drink as the secret ingredient, but it isn't either of those things because we felt like that would be unfair. It would be pretty harsh, wouldn't it? Yeah. The secret ingredient this week is... Pachene. Pachene when we were in Dublin doing our tour, that was a suggested secret ingredient from the audience and we did not accept it as a secret ingredient and our guest Tommy Tehan and then went

on to pick Pachene. So what could have happened? What could have happened? I mean, of all the people that we wouldn't have managed to kick out. We would not have successfully. Tommy's up there, isn't he? We kicked Tommy out of a live gig. It's a often homemade booze, James. Like moonshine, am I right? Yeah, sort of moonshine, the Irish moonshine. Yes, thank you very much to Sean, one of my local baristas. He gave me a bottle of it after Christmas.

Thank you, Sean, who's one of James's local baristas. It was that much I appreciated. Yeah. Gave me a bottle. Yeah. Yeah. Gave me a bottle. He went back, went back to Ireland for Christmas, bought back some pachene.

You're just drinking unmarked bottles of stuff that people you know in a coffee shop give you? Only if they're qualified baristas. Yes. Not sure it matches up mate. What are you gonna let him do next? Dentistry. Oh that's good, could save me a pretty penny or two. And this is the last episode of the series James. Oh farewell old friend. Farewell old series but we'll be back soon I'm sure. What a fun series it's been. What a fun series man. We've had some

incredible guests from all over the world and all over entertainment. Yes, and I finally confronted Stephen Graham. Yes. Gave him what for, and I'm very proud of myself. And many more reflections beside. Yeah. We can't wait to speak to Joanne, she's great. So, without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Joanne McNally.

Welcome Joanne to the dream restaurant. Thank you. Welcome to our McNally to the dream restaurant. Thank you so much. I've been waiting to come out for ages. Have you? Yeah, I've been sitting there at my menu. How long have you had your menu ready?

Years. How long has this gone? Years. What was the start date? 2019? 2018. 2018. We started recording 2018. The first one came out in 2019. My menu's been going since then. It's evolved with trends and my tastes. And that's, we knew that Joanne, we knew that you wouldn't want to go with your first draft. So we've waited for you to get to this point and we now know that you think the menu is perfect. It's the final draft. Yeah. I'm thrilled. Everyone's, everyone listening, we're very excited to get to the drink course. No spoilers please. But you're offering name shows after drinks and they become a thing. Yeah. So my first draft of this had no food at all. Yeah.

It's just me on the bottom of a drinks cart, frothing at the mouth. Yeah. Very excited. Of course, Pinophile is on tour. You're on tour now with your show Pinophile. Yeah. It's rare that the title of the tour makes me laugh out loud when I say that. You like Pinophile? Absolutely love it. It's good, isn't it?

What's the play on? I don't know. I just don't understand why paedophiles can take file. Like I mean it's not their work. We should be able to take it back. It was actually, do you know where it came from? The file is obviously just you're mad about something and I'm mad about paedophile. And what happened was there was a viral clip going around, you know,

the Peloton, you know, the exercise bikes that everyone bought during lockdown, peddling away at home. And there was a video going around of an American trainer or whatever they're called, class instructor thing. And she was looking at the leaderboard and there was everyone has like a name that they use, like peddling for wine or whatever. Like, so, you know, kind of like spin for gin. It's usually, they're the ones I notice anyway. Anyway, she saw something on the computer that she didn't like and she was mid pedal and she was like, no! And she was like calling up the leaderboard. She said, kick him out, kick him out, ban him, ban him.

She's like, we don't do that here. We don't do that here. And of course, I was like, what was the name? The name was Pedalphile. I just thought it was so funny. Yeah. And I was talking about it somewhere and actually a woman DM'd me and she was like, if you were cycling your name would be Penophile. And that's where the name came from. So I can't even take credit for it, but I was like, that's a great name for a show. Yeah. Yeah.

Good way of getting them. Imagine getting kicked out. Pedalphile. I mean, it's like, you're home early. I thought you were doing your spin class. I got kicked out. No, the worst thing is you do them from home, right're home early? Yeah. I thought you were doing your spin class. I got kicked out. No, the worst thing is you do them from home, right? You do, yeah. So you're kicked out of the class and then you just sat on your bike at home. In your kitchen. Yeah.

Covered in shame and sweat. Yeah, but then you realize you could just keep pedaling and just do it yourself. She was getting embarrassed. You need the motivation you need in screaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess that's the thing. It was just very narrow-minded of her, I thought. Yeah, it's pretty harsh straight away.

Pedal file is so funny as well. It's so funny. It's so funny. Yeah. I got it. It was a, it gave me, it gave me, it really lifted my day. Yeah. So are you a big fan of solid food as well? I am, but I am, I do eat solids, but I have, what could I would say, I hope I don't embarrass myself here because I'm, I have quite an immature palette, I would say. Okay, that's fine. Yeah, I would say it's like apocalyptic, a lot of canned foods. Like when the apocalypse comes, I will be. You're like a prepper. Oh, I'll be down the bunker living my best life. Yeah, crack it up and spam and stuff.

Will you be good in the apocalypse? Because if you've eaten all your cans, because you love them so much, you won't have any saved up for the apocalypse. I'll do a collab or something. If I sense it's coming, I'll get a collab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a collab in, yeah. Who's your dream to collab with in the canned food biz?

Beakle Hines, wouldn't you? Because then you have your spaghetti at ease and your spaghetti spot. You get all your beans, your alfabeti, all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I also look like I eat this. Well, I don't eat sausages anymore. I used to eat pork, but I don't have gone off at all because I read about that pigs can basically play Nintendo. They like can use joysticks and stuff. The intelligence of a toddler. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually true. Yeah. Yeah. They can use joysticks and stuff. They have the intelligence of a toddler. Yeah. That's actually true. Yeah, they can use joysticks.

And they can recognize their own reflection in mirrors and the orgasm for like 40 minutes or something. Yeah, that's true. I had a half an hour, but maybe I got a shit pig. You blame that on yourself. Yeah. If you're doing it right. The pigs on TikTok, you'd be like If you're doing it right. Yeah. The pig's on TikTok. Yeah.

And I'd be like, you're a shit. Yeah. I follow a pig on Instagram called Merlin the pig. Yeah. And he has all these buttons. Yeah. It's all about him. Yeah. With different phrases on them and he can tell his owner what he wants by pressing them. Yeah. Dance with me, mommy. They're really smart. That guy? Yeah. Yeah.

They're so smart. I think he's just randomly hitting buttons. No, he hits the dance with me mommy one a lot. I watch the YouTube video about that pig. Yeah. Dance with me mommy! That's what he does when he presses it. He does the cha cha then. He dances a lot. It's his favourite one.

I can see why that would put you off pork. I also don't like the taste of pork. Now sausages I would. Anyway, my point was I used to eat the sausages out of the can. It was like, my palate never developed past 17 year old boy. Sure. Yeah, I have a student palate. But I'm very happy with it. Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think that's, we've had a lot of immature palates on here. Yeah. I think that's, you know, we've got to represent the full. I think so. That's what I was thinking. Yeah.

It's not a snobby podcast. Yeah. And you know, that's not to say we're. I think so. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. It's not a snobby podcast. And you know, that's not to say we're not going to take the piss out of you. Yeah, of course. But we'll do it in a nice way. Yeah. But like when I'm on the road and I see a service station, there's nothing more exciting to me. Like I'd book in a table in a petrol station. Like I love the sandwiches.

I love the little quarter bottles of wine. Yeah. Like I'm a simple girl. So if you're in a service station, what's your favourite place to go in a service station or is it literally the petrol station is your favourite? Well, no. I mean, ideally it would be one of the bigger ones which have the options of the Nandels and the Pretz and the WH Smiths. And then I'll kind of shop around.

Ah, full basket. Yeah, I'll take a basket. Make your own kind of dream meal out of the different things. And I love a machine coffee. Yeah. Yeah. It's mad. So you wouldn't even go to the Starbucks in the service station.

Well, I actually think Starbucks tastes like burnt hair. Sorry. It does. Am I the only one who thinks that? No, you've got a point. Gross. No, pret should be my favorite now. I'm a real pret girl.

Yeah. Yeah. Pret coffee in the services, I think is the way to go. Yeah. Although I will get Starbucks if I'm feeling like, for me, it's like the, I know it's a bit more of a junk foodie. Yeah, it is. Coffee.

So sometimes sometimes you're in the mood for that. Yeah. You know, yeah. Do you ever, would you ever eat a Starbucks sandwich? No, no cake pops. The cake pops from there. That's yeah, the bars. Yes.

No, no, the little cake pops, the little like cake on a stick. Oh, nice. I thought you were more civilized than that. little like cake on a stick. Oh nice! I thought you were more civilized than that. No. James is cake on a stick. The guy loves it. Yeah. Yeah. Cake on a stick all the way. Yeah.

It's so good. The cake pops, the ratio of the ice into cake, which is more ice than cake, is spot on. Do you know what I can't control myself around is the Pratt chocolate mousse desserts. Oh yeah. Oh my God. I very rarely do. I mean, look, if I'm going to prayer and this, this sounds crazy. This does not sound like a treat, but I think one of my favorite things in the world is the chocolate covered corn cakes. Oh yeah. That's that is a treat. It is a treat. Anything in Pratt's a treat. He lives a sad life if that's the treat. The chocolate covered corn cakes. Yeah, no, of course. Yeah.

Any of the wraps, a chicken avocado sandwich and it's yeah. But then of course I just, I pull apart the sandwich and dunk a bit of barrel of salt on it. Yeah. You're salting the sandwich. Yeah. Which is basically a block of salt anyway. It's not enough salt for me yet.

I love that. I wonder, I think I'm probably going to get rickets or scurvvy at some stage. I've no nutrients really. Like in my ideal meals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's fine. I mean, this is a dream meal. I think we can safely say in a dream restaurant, there is no worry of rickets or scurvy. There's no rules. No, no, no. No. Yeah. We will promise you, you won't get it from this meal. Great. I'll go for a medical straight away. Yeah. Yeah. Great. I'll go for a medical straight away. Yeah. We always talk about a little sparkling water. Sparkling please.

Yeah. I'm a big sparkling girl. Is it because it reminds you of Prosecco? No, there's a sense of occasion to it, I feel. And before I made any money, before I did any income from comedy, I was like, you'd be running, like, you never could afford sparkling water. It was, it seemed like such a wild extravagance. So now I think it's a bit of a flex being like, I'll take the sparkly. Yeah, every time. Every time. Sparkly. And when I buy a house,

which I hope to do at some stage before I hit 50, I want one of those sparkly taps. You know, those, what are they, the Quaker taps, what are they called? Yeah, not quite, they're not Quaker taps, no. That's, that's one that has porridge coming out of it. Cooker quicker. Yeah, they do sparkling water as well. I don't know how they do it. I don't know the science behind us. They do hot water as well, right? You can get the boiling water taps. Yeah, crazy hot one. Yeah. So, but like they, I don't know if there's some lad pumping it down there. I don't know what some lad. There'll be a lad pumping it down there. I think there'll be a lad down there, yeah. Morning! It's probably take a morning to the lad. That's nice. See his eye through the plug.

Imagine if you paid thousands of pounds having your tap installed and then you realized when the guy turns up he just gets in. In just a basic underneath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just blows bubbles himself with a wand. Like if it was the Flintstones. And his legs coming out of his car. Little animal making it work.

They're not that expensive those taps I don't think. I would have thought they were basically like a little They're not that expensive those taps I don't think. I would have thought they were about 60 grand. They should be a million pounds. It's a pleasure to have a quarter coming out of your tap. Yeah. So you're not far off getting one. You've aimed very far in the future as well.

I wish. You hope, like one day I hope to get one of these taps and you said like by the time I'm 50. I know I struggle with admin so I don't know how I'm going to. With admin? Yeah, there's a lot of admin in trying to buy a house. I've done it on my own. You don't want to have one of those taps installed in where you're living at the moment because you want it to be put in your own place. I don't know if this is correct now. I could have read this somewhere.

It could be fake news. I think you take it with you. I think they're detachable. So you don't... There's no installation within the actual plumbing of the house. I don't believe so. So it's magic. It's one tap that carbonates water as it's coming through the tap.

I believe so. That doesn't feel right. Doesn't actually. It must be feel right. It doesn't actually. It must be a lad. It must be a little lad. Yeah, just a lad bumping down there. You got the ice in that drink? No, depending on the weather, no.

No lemon, nothing to stain the inside. Just bubbly water. Brand of sparkling water you like or do you want it out the tap, out that special tap? Well, I like a sample of Greeno. I like the bottle, makes me feel like I'm on holidays in Italy. Yeah. I like it, what's that can that makes it look like you're drinking cider, demon water? Liquid Death. Liquid Death.

Yeah, huge fan of Liquid Death as well. Are you a fan of Liquid Death? Yeah I love Liquid Death. Yeah, I was kicked out of the bubbles. You can put a skull on something, I love it. Yeah but they think it's cans. Yeah I know, we're coming back to it. Sorry Joanne, please tell us why you were kicked out the bottle. something. I love it. I think it's can. Yeah, I know. We're coming back. Sorry, Joe. Please

tell us why you were kicked out of the park. It was after a gig. I just want to get an always be and I went to the bar across the road, but I was kind of kind of the doghouse. Yeah. And I had a kind of sparkling death. Liquid death. And it looks like a really hardcore kind of cider or something. And I walked in and your man came out behind the bar and he was buzzing to kick me out. Like, do you know these people? He was like, glee. He was like, straight away, out, not a chance, nope. Pointed to the can.

What a feel he felt. What a feel. Oh, so he thought you were bringing booze into the venue. Yeah, and he's like, it's water. And he's like, I can't apologize enough. Is that what he said? I'm so sorry. Like, yeah.

Great. I mean, it is one of the best feelings in life. To be right. Knowing you're right. Yeah. While the other person completely just like goes way too hard. Yeah. Knowing you've got this.

Yeah. Taking the whole thing. Knowing that I'm going to get. But then taking the higher road. Like when I'm like, don't worry about it, it's okay. Because he bowed down there, he stood back, he was like, I'm so sorry. Because he made a show of himself. We were all embarrassed.

The only time I really get that, because I'm often in the wrong, is when I'm going to venues and there's like a bouncer on the door searching people's bags and stuff and you're not allowed to take food in. I'm type one diabetic, so I always have to have glucose sweets with me. So they'll like pull out the sweets from my bag and be like, no food mate, you're going to have to toss that. And I'll go, I'm type one diabetic. Yes. Do you have a little card or anything? No, no, no. Oh, they just have to take your word for it. So if you guys want to use that, go ahead. I didn't know you could do that. That's amazing. Well, if they pushed you any further,

you got your kit and stuff in there. Yeah, I got like insulin and needles and stuff. I didn't even get to rock up a kit. Like you can rock up a kit. Joe what? Anyone who goes through that trouble deserves to take some sweeties into the gig. Yeah, that's true. I know. Yeah. But it's a great feeling. It's like when people are just taking their little pets on the airplanes now and call them therapy dogs or whatever. You're like, how do you prove that you are completely traumatized that you need an observation on the thing?

The only way you could prove it is if the dog wasn't with you. Yeah. So you're going to be really calm when the dog's there. Yeah. Stick it in the hole and see how that works out. Well, that has happened and didn't work out well. Sorry? Yeah.

For who? The dog. I'm sorry. Who did it happen to? Who did that? I don't know. Someone in the Daily Mail. I don't know. Someone in the Daily Mail. Yeah.

Oh, of course. I don't know if it's personally or not. Pop-Dubs or Bread? Pop-Dubs or Bread, Joanne McNally? Pop-Dubs or Bread? I go Pop-Dubs. Okay. Cool.

I have enough bread coming up and I love, I love crisps and all. Oh yeah? Yeah. Can you say some of your favorite crisps? It depends on the mood. Are we not being patriotic here? Oh, we've got Taito. Yeah. Yeah, we'd have to.

And hunky dory's aren't they Irish as well? Are they? Yeah I think so. I haven't heard of hunky dory's. Okay well we'll go Tato then. I'll rep. I was looking forward to giving Joanne a mood that she was in and matching it with the crisps. Okay yeah. Will it be more a drink as well? Would be I love anything ribbed but I will take T, Tato are quite, they're not, they're unribbed. I'll take them as well. An onion ring, a hot lip, do you know hot lips? All these tempi crisps, banshee bones, anything like that. It feels like you're making all of this up. It's not!

It's a sketch, a comedy sketch, where someone's ordering stuff that was never heard of. After school we go in with like, banshee bones, they're all like kind of corn crisps, like pickles and you know yourself. I think Space Raiders. Yeah, Banshee Bones were yeah, kind of like Space Raiders. Banshee Bones were a form of Space Raiders. Wheelies. Wheelies. Yeah. Like basically, if I was brought to like a 21st birthday party and it's bread,

that would be my ideal meal. Yeah. Like Goujans and Chik crisps basically. So I would have popadoms because it's the closest thing and then I got the condiments. Well, look, if you would rather have crisps or your favorite crisps for this bit, you can. Okay. It's your dream meal. Yeah, well then I will. Yeah, then I will. Yeah.

Yeah. So we'll put some Banshee bones in there for you. Yeah. Okay. Scrap the popadoms and we take about a bed of Tampi crisps and potatoes. Yeah. Cerep cream and onion, big faves. Cerep cream and onion, taters. Cerep cream and onion, taters. I'm also, I'm a big fan of Pringles.

Yeah. Yeah. I find them quite addictive. They're probably famous now. What would you say? I don't know if they thought about this, but once I pop, I feel I just just can't stop. Do you think you'd get on with the Pringles Man? On the tub if he came to life? Who? What Pringles Man?

This is huge. Oh my god, I've never noticed. You've never noticed there's a man on the front of the tube? What the fuck? No. Oh, hold on, sorry. I can't picture him. Don't show her. I can only see the Tato lad now.

I want Joanne to describe what she thinks the Pringles man looks like. Oh, I know him. I do know him. The Italian lad with the moustache. Yeah, I do know him. And do you know why? I don't know if he specified as Italian. I think you're thinking of lumping him in with Mario because of the moustache.

He's got a hipster vibe, doesn't he? He's got to bang a fixie bike off him. His name's Julius Pringles. You don't know that. That's true. You just made that up. That's true.. I actually... His name's Julius Pringles. You don't know that. That's true. You just made that up. That's true. Look it up.

His name's Julius Pringles. They gave him a first name. Yeah, yeah. Julius, it's Pringles or Pringle, but it's Julius. Definitely Julius. What? I think we have talked about it on the podcast before. Yeah.

Does he have like a date of birth and a star? He doesn't even have a body. I actually own a pair of Pringles sent me a pair of Crocs. They did a collab with Crocs. And they were like, do you want a pair? And I was like, yeah, I do. Yeah. And they arrived and they're two different colours, which I thought was a mistake, but it's not apparently that's the vibe.

Red, one's red, one's green and one's blue. And then he's like stuck on them like charms. Like there's like a Pringle coming, you know, they're very Teemu. But they're very comfortable. There's a specific name for those things you put on crocs, aren't there? Charms? Croc Charms? No, they're called like widgets or something, I think. Are they? There's a specific name for the things you put on crocs.

I never heard of this. No. Yeah. I didn't even know there was things you put on crocs. I didn't know that was a thing. Huge in Japan and like flying out over here now as well. Charms is what I thought they were called. But anyway, you knew Pringles was called Jibits.

Jibits. Jibits, they're called Jibits. Jibits. Jibits, yes. Well, I should know that because I've been wearing Jibits around the house for about three months. So you got some Pringles in a bowl, you got some Tatoes in a bowl.

You got some wheelies. Yeah, hot lips. You got some hot lips. Some, yeah, Tatoes, chili, chili crisps, anything chili, sweet chili. Yeah, anything, all of it. And a huge, am I getting ahead of myself? No, what are we? And a huge Pinot Grigio.

Ice cold. Huge. Huge. The largest one in the UK. We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses. No. You can pair every course with a drink if you want. So, peanut, peanut file specifically refers to Pinot Grigio.

Yes. The Grigio. Yeah. I feel like you should do a bit at the top just explaining that, just in case any Pinot Noir fans turn up. There's no Pinot Noir fans. Fine, I won't come to you. It's not our vibe.

It's not our vibe. What about Pinot Grigio do you love so much? The taste. Like I'm not going to sit here and say I know anything about its legs or citrusy smells. I just love the taste of it. But it has to be ice cold. Like I don't really complain because of based off because I wouldn't really like I'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there.

I don't really care. I really don't. But the only thing I will send back is if the wine's not warm. Yeah. Sorry, if the wine's not cold enough, I will send that back. I'm like practically a semeliac. I'm like that's kind of room temperature. Yeah. And then they'll give me another one. It should really be closer to room temperature than you think. If you want to taste it properly. Yeah, but listen, I'm just, I'm just out of course the wheelies. I clearly don't get a shish, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Are you, so obviously when, when you did the last show, the Prosecco sold very well with, with the audience. Yeah. Are you hoping to do the same thing for the Pinot Grigio industry? To raise awareness for Pinot Grigio. Yeah, to sell it as much as you did. I mean, I had a week with your tour manager because they replaced my tour manager for a week. Oh!

And they were saying sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, whose fault is that? Like if I was that venue, I'd be like, I'm bringing in a show called the Prosecco Express. We would tell the venue, in fairness to my agents, they were ringing because I would get annoyed then because I'm backstage and the girls are texting me going, they're out of Prosecco, they're out of glasses. I'm like it's carnage out there. So I was saying to my agent please ring ahead and make sure they know and then they would ring

ahead and the venue's be like oh yeah don't worry it's all taken care of and the same thing would happen again. I was like don't underestimate those women. I think we broke the record in the Palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show. Yeah. Now I think someone's broken it since because that was maybe two years ago. Wasn't our show, I'll tell you that much. That wasn't ours. It was mine.

Thank you Dweebs. Keep coming to see us. They ran out of the juke, it was all yours. We've also shared a tour manager in Australia. He took me around maybe a couple of weeks after. And he said, yeah, your audience drink. He said, all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening, come out of the theatre looking the complete or just absolutely shitfaced. I know, I love it so much. That's why it's hard for me. It's hard for me sometimes because

I have to remind myself it's not my night out. Like when I first started, like I'd have a drink on stage and I was like, you can't, like a drink on stage is fine, but it's not my night out. Like I'm actually there to work because sometimes they just, I don't know, I just love that kind of girls night out vibe. I just want to kind of crowd serve and get involved. Or when I do smaller shows, I'd go out vibe. I just want to kind of crowd serve and get involved. Or when I do smaller shows, I'd go out after. I'd just go to wherever they were.

What, to the audience? Yeah. You'd party with the audience? Yeah. Well, like not that they weren't, it's not like they were going out en masse. Yeah. But like if women would text, I'm like, oh, we're actually in the pub next door. I'd be like, oh, okay.

Are you going? Yeah, I'm going. Was it not weird? Were they not like, you know, talking to you about your comedy all the time and it was a bit of a divide? Not for, no, this was back, it was, there to you about your comedy all the time and it was a bit of a divide. No, this was back, it was, there were smaller rooms. Yeah. But no, it was just like, oh, there's one.

It was not real. There was no divide at all. Yeah. We just got a drink of wine at the pub. Yeah, it was nice. But you can't keep that up, can you? Because how many dates did you do of that last show? I don't know.

It's a lot. So it was a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It was a fair. It was two years. Yeah. Yeah. That's shit loads. That's shit loads. That's yeah. So you had some stage. I had to be like, okay, this is a job now. Yeah. You know, can't be an actor with the audience. But I can tell you, I, Jesus, I really, I really, I can, I can go. I can go. Even I was like, wow, I'm going again. It's crazy and I feel great.

Because I love gigging so much. I love doing shows so much that like the balls of us, I would just go and I think there was only once or twice in the tour that I was like, I think I tried to change or reschedule a show because I was like, I really, I was like, you know yourself, 12 shows in a row. I don't think I can. And we didn't, we never once changed anything. I just kept doing them. You know yourself, the adrenaline, you just kind of come alive. Oh, so you're saying, so sorry, when you're saying like, I can go, I thought you meant you were drinking every night after the show.

I was, yes. That is actually what I meant. That is what I meant. Yeah. Yeah, but then I just like, just to enjoy the show, I enjoy the buzz of doing a show so much. That you're able to then just... Do you want to carry it on? Yeah, I, but then I was what you meant. I just enjoy the show. I enjoy the balls of the shooting a show so much That you're able to then carry on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have I don't really get hangovers or anything I don't know. I'm like a cockroach. It's weird. But yeah, they got worse as you get older. I'm 41 James I mean

I mean Yeah, okay, well I can't tell you that I just as a 40 year old told a 41 year old Was gonna get worse believe me It's weird. It's like there. Yeah, I don't know what it is. Is it I've built up an immunity. I don't know There's very little consequences even but yeah Irish drinker We definitely have a rep for drinking but like even amongst my own people. I'm like, I don't know. There's very little consequences. Even, yeah, Irish drinker, we definitely have a rep for drinking, but like, even amongst my own people, I'm a, I'm a, I'm pretty, I can go. Yeah. I don't know how else to describe it. Are you going to do your own Pinot for this tour?

Well, you'd love to. Imagine selling your own, selling out of your own booze at every venue. But you know what the problem there is? Cause I have a, someone who kind of, I don't, I have no business savvy really at all. I'm just, I don't think about stuff like that. But someone did say, why aren't you doing your own wine? And then I was like, oh, that's a great idea. It could taste like toilet talk.

I wouldn't give a shit. Anyway, they were like, the venues won't take it. Should they want to sell their own booze? Of course. Yeah, of course. You know what I mean? Imagine me at a desk at the front trying to flop my own booze. They were like, you cheap bastard. So no, no merch. But you could sell it to them,'t know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I would it like? It doesn't matter, you're putting ice in it anyway. Yeah, Snoop Dogg is selling wine. You think that's great?

Sorry, I don't put ice in wine. Okay, well you're having it super cold. Super cold. But I won't put ice in wine. I think it's a disgrace. Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster when Nick Mohamed, it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen? Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine? It was a prize task, wasn't it? I saw the whole series.

Do you remember we had to bring in something you can get into, so that could be like maybe a hobby or something, obviously because I have no imagination brought in a sleeping bag. But it was designed like Toot and Cam-in, that was kind of my thing, so I was like, how cool would it be to get into Toot and Camus too? Anyway, Greg wasn't a fan. Yeah, last one point.

I think next was one point, to be fair. He's like the sweetest man ever. And he's he's just so innocent or something. But he brought in the photo and like bearing in mind the production have to agree. Like I've put in stuff that they were like, you know yourself, they're like, nah, that's not really going to work. So they obviously saw this and they were like, yeah, go for it. And it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in it.

It came up on the screen and we were all like, what? And he's like, did you know you can add ice to wine? And we were just looking at him like, are you fucking on crack? He'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous. Someone had told him he could do it and he never knew it. He didn't think anyone else knew he could do it. It was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine.

And he said it so proudly, didn't he? It was like he'd invented black holes or something. It was like, did you know you could time travel? It was very funny. But no, don't put ice in wine. Don't agree with it. When he was on this podcast, he said about putting a grape. Frozen grape, yeah.

A frozen grape into a glass of lemonade. Lemonade or something. Yeah. He calls it summer cocktail. Of course he does. Your dream starter. Okay. So my dream starter will be a club sandwich.

Lovely. Great. Yeah. Ed finds that funny. I do. Okay, so my dream starter will be a club sandwich. Lovely. Great. Yeah. Ed finds that funny. I do. It's a sandwich. I love club sandwiches.

Why is it bacon, of course? Yes, of course. Because of the clever things. I don't eat bacon. It just feels like it's not a club sandwich anymore to me. It's a chicken sandwich. Yeah, chicken salad sandwich. But I guess you've got the three layers.

Yeah, and the toasty bit in the middle. Yeah. And then again, let's add loads of salt. Yeah. A massive amount of salt. It's a chicken sandwich. Yeah, chicken salad sandwich. But I guess you've got the three layers. Yeah, and the toasty bit in the middle. Yeah. And then again, let's add loads of salt. Mayo.

Loads of mayo. It's basically, it's mayo with a side of sandwich. That's what I would say. I think it's a myth, but it might not be, but club is supposed to stand for chicken and lettuce under bacon, but I think it might have been disproved. So I have a club. So you have a club. I have a club. Yeah. Yeah. I have a huge club. Yeah. It's my favorite meal. And chips. Yeah. Yeah. The chips in the middle. Chips in the middle.

There is something about when you're traveling abroad, especially for work, if you get there late to a hotel or something, there's always a club sandwich room service menu. Yeah. You can't go wrong with the club sandwich or a club sandwich. Stopped with my starter and again a huge. Pinot. Pinot. So another Pinot. So it's not a different drink.

I went to Hawaii, I was in Cape Town in January and we did this wine tasting event and I was like, can I get a glass of wine? And they're like, the wine tasting is starting. And I was like, yeah. They're like, okay. While they were lining up the other wine. Cleansing your palette. Oh, by the way, no one's allowed in the restaurant. Tell me what the ingredients of anything. I can't bear it. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. And they fucking clog up the

whole thing. Tell you what the, I don't care. And it's in the fancy restaurants where they're serving you foam. Yeah. They're pointing at it and stuff. Yeah, telling you what the, I don't care. And it's in the fancy restaurants where they're serving you foam. Yeah. And they're pointing at it and stuff. And you're like, I do not care. What do you do in that situation if you are in a fancy restaurant and the waiter comes over and he's like doing a long spiel about what... I have to live. What can you do?

You can't just smack them all. You have to listen to them. It's like a one man show. You're like, oh my God, because I don't care. I'm just like, it's just all fishy foam. It's all foam really, isn't it? I think there's a way of doing it where you could be like, that's enough now.

I know you have to do this. I really don't care. So you can go and take the next couple of minutes off. But then I think they take that personally. Yeah. So we went to this really fancy restaurant in Cape Town because one of the lads I was there, his boyfriend wanted to go out. Like, and he's a real foodieie and me and his boyfriend aren't.

So we just were like, just whatever. And we didn't care. But like the staff, it was obvious that it bothered them. Like they wanted the ceremony of ding, ding, ding. Like, you know, they stood at the top of the table and they point it. And it's like, do you know when you're on an airplane and they start sending you instructions through the tannoy and you can't understand a fucking word. It's just like white noise. That's what I hear when there's someone at the top of the table telling me what's in

the food. And then it comes out and you're like, all that for something the size of a tick tank. How is there more than two ingredients even in it? Yeah. Yeah. So it? Yeah. Yeah. So it's wasted on me. So I don't want anyone interrupting telling me what's in the meals. What about someone telling you about the wine?

So pouring you a glass of wine and then telling you about the producer and the climate and the vintage. How do you feel about that? What do you think? I'd imagine you hate it, right? Couldn't give a shit. Yeah. I know because I sound so low rent, but I am.

I think I get it because you just want to have, eat the nice thing or whatever. If I had one day left on earth, you'd find me under the top in a weather spins just like... Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Trying to get a piece for 20 quid. I just love it. Do you have a particular Pinot Grigio that you love, that's your go-to to buy? Anything around the ace pound.

Yes. No, I don't care. But there must have been one where you're like, this is... I wish I cared. I wish I cared. There's not one. I know there isn't one. There's not one that's amazing.

Persisting, but... Do I never went, oh, this one. Even... Even... I'm like, oh, let me taste it. And I'm like, no. And not for any of that reason, not for any sort of fancy wine reason, just to be like, I'll get that one again because I know I like it.

I know, I like it. There's, I like Barefoot. Okay, there you go. Yeah. Which I think is kind of like the Alco pop of wine. I think it's like saying... That's corner shop one. I'll pair my steak with a Blue Wicked.

I think it's pretty basic. I'm like, oh, Barefoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's terrible. It's one of those things. It's like Star Signs. I wish I was more engaged. You wish you were more engaged in the Star Signs? I wish I was more engaged in the Star Signs. I wish I was more engaged in the Star Signs. I wish I was more engaged in the Star Signs. I wish yeah, yeah. I know it's terrible. It's one of those things. It's

like star signs. I wish I was more engaged. You wish you were more engaged in star signs. Yeah, I'd love to believe in it. Oh yeah. I don't think it's the same thing. I just know it's nonsense. It's not the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Star signs aren't, star signs are up for debate. But what people tell you is in the food is fact.

I don't believe in this. I'm running to you. I don't believe in this. The person who cooks it eats people up. I mean, so you say. Yeah, I just wish that because I think I know that like men certainly there, I see a man at a start like the pride of a man at a barbecue or like women who kind of slave over meals. And I just don't get it. It's like looking at it.

It's like trying to, you know, remember in that film with Robin Williams. OK, here we go. What happens in it? We'll try and guess it. Your man's great at maths. Yeah. Good old hunting. Remember he's standing in front of the equation? I remember people can't solve it.

That's like me with food. I'm like, I don't get it. I know it's, I know I need it and I do eat it. And I like what I eat, but I like it's... I was going to say, I understand. I sympathize with that viewpoint, but it is the opposite of mine. And then when some people go over the top, I'm like, I think it's a bit monkey. I think there's been a bit of potentials with this.

Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah. Yeah. You're so one of those aren't you? They tell you what's in it and stuff. People who particularly, I've dated men before. They make it their identity.

Now, I mean, what? Or they start a podcast about it. Do you have a food podcast? Joanne, where do you think you are? Jesus, that was for the listener. I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke. And then when the penny dropped and Joanne realized what she'd said, I thought, oh, that wasn't a joke.

That's incredible. That was a genuine question to Ed. Do you have a food podcast? While we are discussing food on the podcast. Oh my God. I think it was just the way you presented it. Yeah. That I thought it was something you were doing on your own. No, no, no. And because James is here, I just, you know, I lost track.

No. Of course this is a food podcast. No, no, no. And because James is here, I just, I'm from Nido, I lost track. Of course this is a food podcast. This is more like a restaurant podcast though. Sure. Sure. I mean what are restaurants if not food related?

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, fair enough. Oh God. So you've dated men who are upset, making their identity. They make it their whole personality and that kind of annoys me. I'm like, get a hobby. Says your one, slamming the penis. I'm like, get a hobby. Says your one slamming the penis. I'm like, get a hobby.

It's not like I'm doing anything interesting, but still I find they can be a little bit much at times. I think, yeah, I think definitely if you're in a relationship or dating someone who is hyper into something you're not and they don't care that you're not into it, but they want to tell you about it all the time and push that upon you so that you also, and use it as a way of showing off their intellect or whatever. It's very...

There's something snobby about it. Yes. Yeah, they're snobby about it. And obviously with my palate, it's just never gonna work. Yeah. You know? Fair enough.

Yeah. They're making French onion soup and all. I'm like, I'm not here for that. You know what's in it. Does it annoy you in the title of the dish? What's in it is in the title of the dish. Yeah, that's it. They've said, I made you some French onion soup. Shut up. Don't give me that whole spiel.

Just say it's brown soup. You know I just want a cup of soup. With those fake croutons. Your dream main course. Okay. So, keeping with the... I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Your dream main course. Okay, so keeping with the immature palette. Yeah.

Now, I love warm, reassuring food. And I have to say, this is just my dream meal. Like I do eat like other things. This is just if I could, I would love, I love two minute noodles. Yeah. I love, minute noodles. Yeah. I love you. You're laughing at me now because you're probably an eight minute noodle man, are you? It's something fancy.

You're a ramen man. I love a two minute noodle. There's now it's two minutes. You're in and out. And I love potato waffles. And what I would imagine in my dream restaurant, you know those sushi boats that you get in Asian restaurants? Yes. If I had a boat made out of potato waffles and then I would imagine in my dream restaurant, you know those sushi boats that you get in Asian restaurants? If I had a boat made out of potato waffles and then inside where it was filled with the two minute noodles, it would not be delicious.

So good. Yeah. And it's floating in a bowl of butter. It would not be gorgeous. And the anchor was a goujon. It has to be an anchor. It wouldn't float away. It would be at the door. Yeah. It wouldn't stay. Exactly. To keep it still. It's away. Yeah. It would be at the door. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it wouldn't stay exactly. You need to keep it still. It's like an eater. That was my dream dinner.

Two-minute noodles as in, is that a specific brand that you like? Or is it just like a pot noodle? No, no, no, no, no. Not the pot noodles. No. The packets of them. I'm not, the pot noodles wouldn't do it for me now. Which I'm glad to say I have some standards. Like the square.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like they come with the flavoring seasoning. They are great. Aren't they? They're so good. They're so good. And I actually checked at one stage. There's no nutritional value in them at all.

But like, whatever, we're out. That's nice. It's the weekend. Yeah. Yeah. And I taught them, but the waffles would have to be obviously a little cold just to keep them in shape or whatever. And then maybe a Pringle as the sail. That's good.

How big is the waffle boat and how many packs of two minute noodles do you reckon you need to fill the waffle boat? And then warning, there's going to be some maths involved after this. I didn't think actually, I never thought about whether I'm on my own or not. Yeah, for your dream meal meal who do you want there? I can't imagine you wanting it on your own because you're a social person you love... You drink with your audience. I eat on my own a lot.

I eat on my own a lot. Oh do you? Yeah. Youth can come. Youth can come. Thank you. Okay. And my mum.

Just the four of us? Yeah. Wow. Will we get on with your mum? Ah yeah. She's saying she'd like her. What's she like? Sorry Ben I don't know what your plans are.

It'll bring it down. You don't say much, so I'm not sure what you'd bring to the table. So you're not involved in the waffle boat. You've been sent back to shore. So the waffle boat, it would have to be something quite remarkable, really, wouldn't it? And pushed out. Once you see a butter. On a, someone would have to push it out, like, as in it would be kind of quite the,

what would I say? What am I trying to think of? When you look at something, it's a spectacle. Yes. Yeah. I'd want the hell, do you know the way in restaurants, and they bring out the hot meat platter and there's like, it's all fizzing and there's fire coming off with the sparklers. That's what I'd want the hell. Do you know the way in restaurants and they bring out the hot meat platter and there's like, it's all fizzing and there's fire coming off with the sparklers. That's what I'd want really. Is it sailing to the table? Is there like a river of butter that leads to the table? Well, now you're talking. Feels like it should really.

Oh my God, yeah, I didn't think of that. The river of butter like leads out of the kitchen. Yeah. I didn't think of that. Like a sushi conveyor belt, but it's a river of butter. Yes. Yeah. I didn't think of that. Like a sushi conveyor belt, but it's a river of butter. Yes. But then you'd have to, you'd have to get the goujuan anchor and anchor it yourself.

Oh yeah. That's nice. A bit of exercise. Yeah. Get my steps up. Pour the chai down. 60 kilos of potato waffles. Yeah, no, I could do that. Is there a particular, the noodles. That's a really good idea. That's a spectacle, isn't it?

Yeah. Is there a particular flavor of the noodles that you want? The chicken ones. Yeah. Chicken ones or curry. I like them both. Yeah. I mean, you've got so many packets in there, you could have a mix. Chicken curry.

And just also that whole meal would cost about six pounds. Yeah. I mean, I'm bringing value here as well. I guess the construction of the, the butter river. My mum would do that. Yeah. Someone's got to build a waffle boat. I mean, the construction of the butter river. My mum would do that. Someone's got to build a waffle boat. I mean, that's what we custom made. My mum would do that.

My mum would do that. How many packets though? Because do you want us to boil them all at the same time so it's two minutes across the board or are we doing them one after the other in the same thing and then it's going to take ages? No, no, no. We'd have to do them at the same time. Otherwise you're mixing al dente to noodles with much softer to noodles. They'd go cold.

Yeah. So we're going to have a lot of pots on the boil. Yeah. It'd be quite, it'd be like a challenge. Annika kind of thing. And there'd be like timers and stuff. Um, but we're not involved in that. That's all behind the scenes. Yeah. Is Annika doing it? Annumar? Annika, remember she used to drop out of like planes and helicopters. Yeah, running the whole time. Running all the time in those incredibly tight pants. I think it would become like an old school comedy sketch where it's like,

who's doing the noodles? Rice! No, we're doing the noodles! Rice is doing the noodles. Rice is on the noodles. We'll get them off the noodles! Then noodles from the offspring pops up. Did someone call for me? I'm doing the rice. He's a guitarist. Yeah, that'd be a good sketch to have. Yeah. Do you want the theme tune from Titanic playing when the boat comes out?

No, we do something like fun, like Vangaboys or something. Vangabuses coming in great. Isn't that confusing though, if you're playing the Vangabuses coming when the boat comes out? Yeah. It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boat.

It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boat. It's only us playing the boates coming. So isn't that confusing though, if you're playing the Venga Buses coming when the boat comes out. It's only us four. Yeah, and we know what's going to happen, so that's fine. We've ordered it.

We know what's coming. Down the border river. On the menu, it would have a picture of it. Feels like there would be a picture of it when you order it. And it would say accompanied by the Venga Bus feels like there would be a picture of it when you order it. 100%. Yeah. And it would say accompanied by the Venga bus is coming. So you know what's coming up. Or maybe you can choose the song you want. That's good.

Yeah. That's now we're adding a bit of party vibe happening here. Yeah. Yeah. But you were to let the Venga bus is coming. I think so. Yeah. Something to kind of lift us after our club sandwiches because we'd be carved out of it. So we need to kind of lift us after our club sandwiches because we'd be carved out of it. So we need to kind of... We're about to have a potato waffle boat with noodles in it. I don't think the carbs are going away anytime soon.

Yeah. And I'd like, I'd like it because it's a dream meal and I don't smoke anymore, but for the, for the evening that's in it, I would like one Marlboro light indoors. Yeah. During the main course. Well, I don't know. I'm trying to decide where that would go. But I don't want to miss the music. Marbleite, indoors. Yeah. During the main course? Well, I don't know. I'm trying to decide where that would go. But I don't want to miss the music.

Has the ship got a cannon and it just fires a cigarette into your mouth? No. Don't be ridiculous. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're ridiculous. It's fantastical. No, I'd like a little Marbleite, but I would like it indoors, like old school, like 80s kind of vibes.

Yeah. It's great. Are we pairing a drink with the main course? We are. What would you like? I'd like a giant glass of Pinot Grigio. Every time you order a new drink, do you spend the time being like, I wonder what I'm going to have now? And everyone's sat there going, we're not going to fucking have drinks. What wines do you have?

Is that in New Zealand? No, it cares. No, do you know what actually, no, to spice it up because two large wines are enough for any woman really, because then you start getting a little, you know, opinionated. We wouldn't want that to happen. Yeah. I just want everyone to enjoy themselves And I just want everyone to enjoy themselves. So I'd move on. Do you know what drink I love?

And I don't know, I've never paired it with a potato waffle before. I love a Negroni. Yeah. This will calm those opinions down. I love a Negroni. Just to take the edge off. Bit of class. Yeah, a little bit of class.

Lovely. Bit of class. Little bit of class. Negroni with a little umbrella in it. Yeah, lovely. And a Ferrero Rocher floating down the bottom. A Ferrero Rocher. In the drink. I want to continue to lower the tone, I don't know. Or Frozen Haribo.

So you put... You're worried though when you said Negroni, you're like, people are going to think... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what have I done? I'm just saying this for show. That's not what I want. Frozen Haribo. Do you ever freeze your Haribo?

No. Oh, I mean that sounds genius. I love that. It's lovely. Yeah. I freeze most things. Like those naked bars. Oh yeah?

Freeze them as well. Great. Yeah. With the Haribo, you're just eating them frozen. Wow. Yeah. I love them. They last for six times the amount of time. They're chewy. They're delicious.

I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast before, but we got sent a bunch of naked bars once when we were starting this podcast. So I had loads in the house and the first time that my girlfriend came back to my flat in the morning, I had to leave really early. I said, help yourself to everything. It got loads of naked bars in there that they'd eat. If you want one of them, just a quick breakfast or whatever. Got back, she'd gone, she'd left the naked bar wrapper on my pillow with a note because she didn't like the naked bar. As a joke. But when she left, she shut

the front door, a breeze must have occurred that meant that the naked bar rapper blew off the pillow, but the note remained. So I came back after the first night I'd spent with my girlfriend. This was the first intimate night to a note on my pillow that said, worth nothing I've ever put in my mouth. Stop! That's not true! James!

That is what mouth. Stop! That's not true! James! That is what happened. No! You are the only comic I know who that would have actually happened to and you've still not done it on a fucking tour. That's amazing! How are you not doing that? How are you not going booking a gig in for tonight? That's so funny!

It doesn't sound real. It sounds too written and scripted. People don't care about that. Well, they don't care about that. Well, still it's important to me that people know that that is what happened. That sounds funny. Yeah. Well, it's good if I put it in my mouth. How have you not told me that before?

I thought I had. I thought I must have told you that. No. Good for her. Good for her. Yeah. It's nice to have opinions and give feedback. Yeah, yeah.

Sure. But I was like, well, I can't text her now. I don't know. I'd like to get another date with her. She's awesome. But I guess that's not going to happen again. And I can't be shitting like naked bars. I horse those things. Yeah, I like them. I like them. Yeah, I love them as well. Have you had the, they do like chocolate covered ones now. Have you had those before?

No. Yeah. They do like bigger sort of chocolate covered ones. I mean, there's the, they do a protein one because as we know, protein is huge right now. Huge. And they say that like once you hit your 40s, if you're not eating, I don't know, 60 kgs of protein a day, you're going to fucking die of muscle atrophy or something. It's all about protein now. Yeah. Yeah. And lifting

weights. So I tried to get my protein in. Your dream side dish. Calislo. By the way, I just want to say there's no protein in this meal. There's a bit of chicken in the club sandwich. Sorry, I meant to say I've eaten 19 egg whites before. Chicken flavored noodles. Chicken flavored noodles, yeah. Come on. What do you want?

Open your mind. A lot of protein. I'll get an El-Fashioned. Is there an egg white in that? Do they put an egg white in El-Fashioned? Yeah, they do. No, they don't. It's whiskey sour. You could get whiskey white in that. Yeah, they do. There you go. Yeah.

No, they don't. It's whiskey sour. You could get whiskey sour. Oh yeah, sorry. Yeah. You completely tricked me there. Yeah. Yeah.

You agreed. I did. You were on board. I just said, there's an egg white in that. I pictured a whiskey sour. I was like, yep. And then I was like, no, that's a Devin Brown trick you've done on me. Yeah.

Coleslaw. Like I... I love the stuff. How much coleslaw would you say you're eating day to day? Well, my mom, when she'd do the big shop at the weekend, she'd get, like when we were younger, she'd get one of those, you know, those like buckets of coleslaw, say on a Friday or Saturday to do the big shop and by the Tuesday, Wednesday it was gone. Amazing. How many of you in the house? Well, I don't have it in the house now. I'd have it as a side for a sandwich,

but like I only get the little tubs now. Yeah, yeah. You'd find me dead face down to see a coleslaw. Can't be trusted with this stuff. I love it. Is this coming on the side or is it going to be on the boat somehow as well? Well, that's a presentation issue, I guess. Yeah. But do you want it on the boat? Well, you could maybe attach it. There could be some dinghies, some little dinghies of coleslaw. Dinghies that will have coleslaw in them.

Like a flotilla. They're roped to the main vessel. Yeah, yeah, I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be fun, wouldn't it? Does that mean the ship is sinking? No, no, why would the ship be sinking? Well, I don't think there are lifeboats ever deployed if it's not.

It's not a lifeboat necessarily. I thought you said lifeboat. I said dinghy. Okay, so these are people just knocking about. Yeah, just like for presentations, the main waffle ship. Yeah, yeah. I thought you said lifeboat. I said dinghy. Okay. So these are people just knocking about. Yeah. Just like for presentations. The main waffle ship.

Yeah. That's the main event. And then the sides float down after. Oh, do you know what put them in? Do you know those circular water rings? Yeah. Put them in a little. But then they got to go through it.

There's no bottom to those. The coastal is just going to cut the pieces. Straight through into the butter. In the butter river. Do you know what we do to keep with the a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a strings. Yeah. But then they got to go through it. There's no bottom to those. The cold stores is going to cut straight through into the butter in the butter river. Do you know what we do to keep with the Aqua theme? I thought it was Vangaboys. Famously add Aqua sang the Vangabuses coming. Do you know what would be fun? Just fun now. To keep with the aqua theme, the pool noodles,

I've always hollowed them out and put the coleslaw in there and then you have to blow it out into your plate. Right. Revolting. Yeah. Awful. I can't believe you only cracked it this time. Yeah, that'd be fun. We'll just blow the coleslaw out via the pool noodle onto the plate. I don't notice it coals out via the pill and it'll onto the plate.

I don't notice it. I'm smoking. I'm smoking somewhere in the corner. Yeah. So you're going, you're stepping away from the table to smoke. I wouldn't smoke at the table. I'm not a complete monster. Yeah. Yeah. I'd just be watching it all happen from the table. While your mum blows coals out of a straw onto a plate. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be over in a bit, mum. Just finishing my cig. Blow me out a coleslaw from that pool noodle.

Okay, Joanne. Splat. Splat. Everywhere. Fingerbust blaring off. Blow me the coleslaw out of the pool noodle. Yeah. I mean, yeah. What's wrong with that sentence? Fingrbuss Blair it out. Blair with a cold set of peeled noodles. Yeah, I mean, yeah. What's wrong with that sentence? Oh, nothing. I've just never heard it before.

I think it'd be great. I'm having a ball. Yeah. It's a fun night. It's a fun night. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Undeniably fun.

We're all having a nice evening. Benito's watching outside in the rain. Face pressed against the glass. Can't come in. Chopsticks to eat the noodles? No, I'm not that talented. No, it'd have to be. Spaced crest against the glass, can't come in. Chopsticks to eat the noodles? No, I'm not that talented.

No, it would have to be... You must have known the answer to that before you said it. I don't think I did. You think it hands? I'm thinking hands. I was good. Yeah, like quite Buddhist. Very Buddhist.

That's what I think of you. I think you're very Buddhist. I actually can, I can use chopsticks if like in an emergency, like if there's nothing else, but I don't find it the easiest. Now we don't have a ladle each. That's normal, isn't it? It's ladle noodles into your mouth. Yeah, ladles, ladles, ladles normal.

Yeah, ladles normal. Yeah, ladles normal. And it kind of flashes. What's the point of what you're using it for? Flashes. Are we using the ladles to eat? Are we going ladle to mouth? Are we ladling the noodles onto the plate? Yeah.

Okay, so I'd say ladling noodles into your mouth isn't normal. Yeah. So it doesn't mean you can't do it for your dream meal. Exactly. I'd like the sense of camaraderie. Yeah. Comradery that we're all just getting stuck in. And you can ladle butter out on top as well. Yeah. And no one's worried about germs or anything like that. We're just at one.

Yeah. I think if you're eating noodles out of a waffle boat, you're probably not concerned. Yeah. Especially out of a butter river that ran out of the kitchen and onto the table. Yeah. Yeah. And we're just really connected. Blowing coleslaw out of a pool noodle doesn't feel COVID safe. No. None of this would be taking place in 2021. Yeah.

No, but it's fine now. It's like, we're just all, we're just really like together. No one cares about that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. And is there a drink paired with the side dish or? With the coleslaw. Yeah. And like, is it using it as a mixer?

Like the... No, I'm not saying you have to put the coleslaw in a. And like using it as a mixer. Like, no, I don't, not saying you have to put the coleslaw in a, in a drink. I mean that for every course so far you've had a drink as well. I don't know if you also want to drink during this course. You've obviously got an agroni going on with the, with the mains. It's got Ferrero Rocher's in it. So I know that it's got, and Haribo frozen Haribo in there. So I don't know if you also want some when your side, when your side dish comes out. And it's a sparkly water gun or is that still there? That's still there.

That's on tap. That's always going to be there. Do you know what I'll have at this point in the evening? Because I'm probably a bit lethargic with the food. So I'd have maybe a little round of shots. Yeah. And we're back in the game now. What shots are you talking?

I'd let people choose and then I'd order tequilas for everyone. Yeah. Tequila. And then you'd have the sense of occasion, you're doing the salt and the... That's fun. Oh sorry Ed. James is playing footsie with me. I just played footsie with Ed.

Tequila. Yeah, that's tequila cooking in. We're all getting a little gamey now, everyone's getting a little squidgey. Yeah, I do shots. I was about to ask you if there's a particular tequila that you like, but I suspect I know the answer to this. I don't know. No.

There's one that comes in a skull, which is really cool. Yeah. Have you seen that one? No, I know the vodka that comes in a skull. Yeah. Crystal head. Crystal head. That's the one.

But there might be a tequila as well. Do you know who, um, whose company that is? Crystal head? No, is it? It's not your one. It's not Kendall Jenner. Doesn't Kendall Jenner have a tequila as well. Do you know who, um, who's company that is? Crystal Head? No, is it? It's not your one. It's not Kendall Jenner. She was in, doesn't Kendall Jenner have a tequila company? She has tequila brands. A lot of people have tequila companies. Do they? Tequila's huge in America. Yeah. Yeah.

Does Clooney have a tequila company? Yeah, the Rocks. The Rocks got one. The Rocks got one. The Breaking Bad Boys have got a mezcal company. Mm hmm. Kylie Minogue has a wine. Graham Norton has a wine. So Gary Barlow has a wine. He sent me a box. I'm not him personally, but I got a mezcal company. Kylie Minogue has a wine. Graham Norton has a wine. Gary Barlow has a wine. He sent me a box. I'm not him personally, but I got a box of Gary Barlow's wines the other day. They were lovely.

Well, they. Yeah. I've heard they're actually pretty good and people love that Kylie Rose as well. Yeah. You need to get on this. This is when the Pinot. Come on. Pinot and Prosecco. Yeah, I know. I drank so much Prosecco during Prosecco Express that I've lost the taste for it now. I find it triggering. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like it's gone. Even the smell of it now and all. I'm like, no, no, no. I've moved on. I've evolved.

It's like when you hear music from a playlist that you're doing a show of now and you're just like, oh God, your stomach just starts tying up. I find, oh, apparently smells and music are like the biggest triggers for memories. So if I smell like Tommy Girl or anything from the 90s or 90s, like it's like, you're straight back drinking and feels with your friends. Like it's so strong. The memories that it brings back. Yeah. I love how anything you smell takes you back to a time when you were drinking.

I just heard that. But like we were all drinking as when we were. Do you know what I did once? Oh my God. I know I sound like a complete piss head. Like I don't drink all the time. I heard that little growl. One time my mum, so we were when we were

younger, you'd make dolly mixtures out of like whatever was in your parents drinks cabinet. You know what a dolly mixture is, don't you? Well, I out of like whatever was in your parents drinks cabinet. You know what a dolly mixture is, don't you? Well, I thought I did and then you carried on talking. Yeah, and then I was like, what do you do with dolly mixtures? The sweets? No, no, no, no, no. In Ireland, they call it a dolly mixture. So you'd open the drinks cabinet and like whatever was there, you just like mix.

Like what did you get away with? Yeah, that's a very cute name for something that is... Coquilla. Yeah, atrocious. Well, a dolly mixture. Like whatever you could get away with, you know what I mean? That's a very cute name for something that is... Could kill you. Yeah, atrocious. Yeah, I know. Well, okay. A dolly mixture. Everything in the cabinet.

Anything and everything. Like a shot of each? Yeah, because you couldn't... Whatever you could get away with so it didn't look like the level had gone down. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So you'd have like a bit of absinthe, a bit of creme, like you'd creme de la... The crap that they weren't drinking anyway, right?

Exactly. Some brandy, whatever. And then you'd go out and get absolutely walked out of your face with your friends. It's called childhood. Anyway. Childhood. One time. James, it's called childhood. It's called childhood. Look it up.

It's called memories. Well, no, it's not. It's called blackout. Teenage blackouts. So my mum was out and I was in a rush and there was no, I had to like, you take the Dalai mixture. When the opportunity presents itself, you take the Dalai mixture. You might need to be going out for three days, but you take it and you store it. And I had no plastic bottle. I had no drinks bottle to store it. I had no vehicle for it. And my mum had just come back from Lourdes and she brought back this huge, oh yeah, I know, isn't it so bad, this

huge Holy Mary Virgin statue full of holy water that she'd bought like in Lourdes and like got blessed with it and she'd flown it back. And I fucking didn't I toss out the holy water and fill the whole thing up with dolly mixture. Yeah. I dragged it out of the weekend and they didn't the paint. Quite appropriate we're sat in a circle for this story. The crown was the lid, the little blue crown. I love that you were like, I've got to get the levels perfect on all the booze so my mum doesn't realise any of it's gone, but you're happy to completely pour away all the

holy water. That's the other fate. Yeah. Yeah, well she'll open that down the line, when we empty, miracle. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Stinks of fucking brandy. Stinks of every booze I've ever had. Jesus drinking vodka now.

But then the Mary thing, she turned up in one of the girls' back gardens because we were drinking down in the local estate and she faced down in the mud. She was like, oh my God, you're not going to believe it. Yeah, so she actually came back like a little boomerang. But my mum didn't notice for ages that she was gone. Did you get it back before you went? You didn't drink it and then take the Mary back.

So is that what you're having for this course? Dolly mixture? I'm lost now. No, where did that come from? Oh tequila shots! So we're having tequila shots. We're having tequila shots because you guys are getting a little quiet and I can feel you're fading a bit. Yeah so I'm like all right come on get the shot. I'm like, all right, come on, get the shots in. Your dream drink. This is now your dream drink. Number one.

So far we've had two large glasses of Pinot. Gris. Gris, yeah. I'm going to stop my face. You want to stop your face? Okay, two large Pinots. You've had a Negroni with... A Negroni with frozen Haribo and a Ferrero Rocher. And we've had a tequila shot.

So what's your dream drink now? How are you opinion wise? Like, because you're opinionated with the Gris and then you've calmed yourself down with the Negroni this week. It might be time, I was going to say it might be time to have a little Robinson's, but it's not. Fuck it, we're out now. I was going to try and have something like a green tea,

just to save face. Yeah. But I'm not going to. And then that would go down on record as your dream drink. Yeah, no, no, no, no. That's... No one would believe that. Is it back on the Grige?

I mean, the Grige is my dream. It is my dream drink. But if I've had two huge ones at this stage, do you know what? Just for... Can I give two answers? Yes. Technically, Pinot Grigio is my favorite drink. I also like a gin and slim, but if there was a gun to my head, it would be Pinot. And if there was no gun to my head, it would still be Pinot. But what I think at this stage in the evening, I could do it something to kind

of up my game a little bit. And I do enjoy an espresso martini. This is the point of the evening for an espresso martini. Yeah, I think it is. Yeah. You know, we've let you pair each course of a drink. I think the same should go for the drinks course.

So you've got your espresso martini, but we'll also pair that with a Pinot Grigio. Oh yeah, great. Yeah. I wasn't sure I was allowed to do that but that sounds gorgeous. Yeah I need, if I'm there by this point I need an espresso Martini because this has been carb overload. Oh big time. I'm shit faced. I'm out smoking a hole in the dealer. Your mum's covered us all in mayonnaise. I've accidentally sucked in on my pool noodle. I'm joking together with Goldslaw. We need smelling salts. That's what we need. To shake shit up.

Yeah. So yeah, espresso martini. I think so. Yeah. Ed had espresso martini at his wedding. I did. They're lovely. But you can only, there's only so many you can have, I find. Like, do you not find that you, that you kind of- Seven or eight. Did you have seven or eight?

No, I think I had three. I think three is probably my top, top limit, but that was, they came out at like 10 o'clock at the wedding, which is a perfect time for them to come out. You arrived at your dream dessert. Wow, wow, wow. So I thought maybe again, adding to just like, I like presentation, sense of occasion that I would have and we're, we've gone loud and colourful. Yeah. So I would love, because there's no budget here I can do.

There's no budget. There's no budget. Put that out of your mind. Yeah. What? Put that out of your mind. There's no budget. There's no budget here, which is great.

There's no, well, there's no budget, but you've already insisted your mum make the potato boat. Yeah, because I was worried I didn't want to go over budget. There's no budget. A lot of labour from your mum has gone into this. Didn't necessarily need to. Yeah, and a lot of styrofoam. The calcino needles. I think I was thinking about like a dessert trolley and I was like, no, no, no, no.

Why settle for a trolley? And I would love to choose from a selection of desserts. And I'd love Tom Hardy. Well, how much does he? There's no budget. No budget. I'm sure he does corporates. I'm sure he does corporates.

I don't think Tom Hardy does corporates. I think he does corporates. I don't think he's the type who does corporates. Okay, one of the lads from Magic Mike. But you know, why don't you just have Tom Hardy? You can have whoever you want. I don't want Tom Hardy. It doesn't matter if they do Corpus or not. Yeah, no, I'll have Tom Hardy.

Tom Hardy. I want Tom Hardy cycling out. You know those tuk-tuks in London with all the fur on them and stuff? Playing like really loud music. Yeah, Tina Turner. I want one of them coming out. And then Tom is driving it. Yeah.

And maybe there's like a side car full of desserts. Yeah. So is he, because you went in the Magic Mike direction, is he topless? He's topless. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't going to say that, but yeah, he is topless. Jeans on? Like, yeah, yeah. He's not in like pants. No, he's in jeans.

He's in jeans, but like he's topless. Yeah. So he'll, he will be, he will have no top on, but that's with his full consent. Yes. That's the way he said that maybe last night. Yeah. He will have no top on, but that's with his full consent. Yes. That's the way he said that maybe last night. Yeah. He will have no top on. Yeah. You said it like it was a hugely professional thing that you were talking about.

The whole thing was professional. He will have, he will be topless. And maybe for fun. This isn't fun yet. Tom Hardy, topless, driving a tuk-tuk around. With a sidecar of desserts, for some reason it's a tuk-tuk, even though there's no one sitting in the back. We need to make this more fun.

How are we going to jazz this up? It's very po-faced. Sorry, Jaren, please. Maybe something waterproof and then he swims back up the Butter River. When he's leaving. Yeah. So he drops off the desserts and then he'ss and then he takes us through the options. Yeah.

Oh, so you don't mind it when Tom Hardy does it. Oh yeah. And like there are only macaroons and all, he's not going to bang on about it for two days. It's a quick description. So yeah, take us through what's in the sidecar. So there'd be macaroons. Yeah.

Yeah. Think very much like macaroons. Yeah. Yeah. Think very much like hen party desserts. Okay. And let me some French fancies, some gelato with some choices, like choices of different types of gelato. I like, I like choice. Yeah. Oh, I love a profiterole.

Yeah. And some chocolate biscuit cake. Chocolate biscuit cake? I don't think I've had chocolate biscuit cake. It obviously sounds brilliant. It's really good. I mean, is it a cake or is it a biscuit? It's a biscuit cake. Chocolate biscuit cake? I don't think I've had chocolate biscuit cake. Obviously sounds brilliant. It's really good. I mean, is it a cake or is it a biscuit? It's a biscuit.

I believe for tax reasons. Wasn't there that huge debate? Wasn't a Jaffa cake a cake or a biscuit? And what was it in the end? A cake. Yeah. No, this is very much, this is hardcore biscuit. Yeah.

I used to make them in school and then sell them in the locker room. Is it like the crushed up biscuits with chocolate poured in, you just put it in the fridge, right? That's it. And you can add marshmallows if you want. I love that stuff. They're so good. Yeah. Also you get biscuits, you crush them up,

yeah. You glue them back together with melted chocolate. Throw in a couple of marshmallows. And then you send them at school after you've had them in the fridge overnight. Let them freeze, yeah. On the freezer? Yeah. You can put other chocolate bars in them as well and stuff.

You can do like bits of Mars bar and... They're gorgeous. Yeah. Great. Yeah, the freezer. Yeah. You can put other chocolate bars in them as well and stuff. You can do like bits of Mars bar and. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Really good. So then that's, so then you've a choice of selection. And again, there's like a bit of chat and it's a bit of a, there's camaraderie in choosing

it. We can discuss it. No, I think it'd be really good fun. How long is Tom Hardy hanging around before he swims back up the butter river? Depends on his fees, really. I mean, again, there's no, there's no, there's no. Emphasize this enough. No one is paying for this. Depending. It's a fantasy. James is a genie. James is a genie. A genie who can make any of it happen

for you. I don't want him to stay longer than he feels like he wants to, but I'm not going to ask him to leave. It's hard though to magic on him that he wants to, but he can leave when he likes because essentially if we didn't make it that he wants to, he's not showing up to this. There's no way Tom Hardy has taken this gig of his own free will. So we have to, I have to use, I have to use my own watch. James, what are you talking about? You haven't shown him the menu yet. He doesn't know anything about it. He's not going to eat it. He's here as a worker. Yeah. He's an employee.

You're so classist. You said the guests were asked to eat. I understand that I'd eat. It was asked to eat your mum. That's the only people that you said were going to be there eating. If I had to have my top off, I don't want to eat that many cubs. No. He's not touching that.

He's not touching it. There's a stage about to pop up now that you're about to get on it. So I think. That's the problem. We've realized that Joanne now has ultimate control and we're out there. I just make a strip and I throw Kinder Bueno's at you. It'd be great, crack. Happy to.

Yeah, why not? I think I'd actually be good for my self-esteem. Yeah, little Kinder Eggs. Yeah, I can get chocolate for that meat. Yeah, it'd be lovely. It's a great time. So Tom's there, he's taking us through the desserts. We're picking a little bit.

Is he doing a lap around? Are you getting in the tuk tuk and he does a little lap around the room? No, the fact that... I hadn't thought of it that much. It's a great idea. It's a really good idea. So for wise, why is there a sidecar of desserts? They should just be in the main carriage of the tuk tuk.

But like, if the main carriage is just completely empty. But no, because when the tuk tuk, when the tuk tuk drive past you in their day to day, before they turn into dessert cards at night, you don't see what's in the back. It's kind of hidden. Whereas I would like the more kind of the presentation of maybe he drives out and there's a big kind of the front of the, I know, sorry, take it all back. Tom Hardy, Penny Farthing bike. So he's very tall as he arrives out. And he's pushing on the front, a kind of a stage of desserts. Okay. So I'm guessing he's like, when I picture him on a

Penny Farthing bike, I'm imagining him as Bronson in the film Bronson. Or in Peaky Blinders. Or in Peaky Blinders. I know that reference. So sort of looking old, oldie, welldy, Victorian sort of. One of those little old man baseball caps. He's got no top. And he's top. But that's his choice. I was like, Tom, do what you want.

No, this is your, it's his choice. It is all coming from you. No, I think that that's what Tom wants. OK. He just doesn't know yet that that's what he wants. Oh. Yeah, he doesn't know yet that that's what he wants. Oh. Yeah, he doesn't know yet. Is he getting off the penny farthing to show you the desserts or is he just staying up there and shouting down what?

No, no, no. He's coming down. He's hanging out like, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no point having Tom there and paying those fees if you're not going to have him engage in some way. Literally, we're not paying him. Like no one needs to pay. And then he swims down the Butter River once he's all done.

I just think it's, if he wants to make an exit, I think no harm. It seems... Well, he can't take that... He can't cycle the thing. He has to leave the penny for the dessert by then. With the desserts, yeah, yeah. So that we can keep going if we so wish. We will.

We will, we will wish. We will wish. And then I just think it would be a nice kind of finale to the evening if Tom Hardy is doing some sort of little breaststroke back up the Butter River and we're waving. We wave at him? I believe so. Yeah, wave him along. I do, I believe so.

And then the Venga Bus music kind of slowly starts building again. So he swims out to the Venga Boys. It starts building slowly, so he starts swimming and as he's swimming. Yeah. Or maybe it's something more epic, maybe it's something from the Mizz around. It gets louder and louder. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. I like that vibe.

Yeah. And then there's confetti. Yeah. You know, one of the Venga boys has had loads of problems with dolphins. I got told that when I was on Never Mind the Buzzcocks. What do you mean? That like one of them, like, has repeatedly been attacked by dolphins in his life. What? To the point where it's an issue. How is that? like one of them like has repeatedly been attacked by dolphins in his life. What? To the point where it's an issue.

How is that? Well, if surely one dolphin attack is enough to step away from. Yeah, the sea. Yeah. Well, you would think so. They're very persistent dolphins apparently. The whales were kind of. Let me see.

Why are you recycling stuff you did on Nevermind the Buzz? I didn't do it. I told it. Greg Davis told it to me. You know he has a C3 toaster. I assume a researcher told Greg. That's where I heard about the C3 toaster. Why are you recycling stuff you did on Nevermind the Buzz Robin Paws, she had a bizarre behind the scene moments. He was assaulted by a horny dolphin. That's what it says here in the news. The dolphin, yes that's my story, yes I had an encounter with a dolphin. That says... That would be Tom Hardy writing about me. There are some inappropriate things that have happened.

Robin, while shooting a music video on a tropical island in the Caribbean, was sexually assaulted by a dolphin. Very horny dolphins. This is what it says. I'm just reading it verbatim. I've heard this about dolphins before that they are very horny and very persistent with tourists. But how would you know, how can you tell the difference between like a dolphin coming on to you and a dolphin kind of starting on you physically?

Like the dick. Yeah. I guess. The massive dick. Like, is that a thing? Do they get erections? They get boners. Do they? Yeah. And they start, it? They get boners, yeah. Do they?

Yeah, yeah. And they start, it affects their swimming like a rudder. Shut up. That cannot be true. They start going the wrong direction. They can't help it. They can't back roots and all. It's amazing.

I'm gonna read your menu to you now. See how you feel about it. Okay. You would like sparkling water. Yes. You want loads of crisps before the meal, tatos, banshee bones, wheelies, Pringles, hot lips, hunky dory's and a huge Pinot Grigio with all those crisps. Ice cold. Ice cold. Club sandwich with no bacon.

A Clue sandwich with another Pinot Grigio ice cold for your starter. Main course, you want a potato waffle boat full of two minute noodles floating in a river of butter with a goujon anchor and a Pringle sail and you would like to pair that with a Negroni with some frozen ham and bone Ferrero Rocher in it. Delish. Side dish, coleslaw which you will be blowing onto your plate using pool noodles and you'll get every amount of tequila shots. Drink, you would like an espresso martini, you can pair that with another Pinot Grigio ice cold. Dessert is Tom Hardy, topless on a penny farthing

with a sidecar of desserts, including macaroons, French fancies, gelato, you like choice, you want those different options there, profiteroles and chocolate biscuit cake. And then he swims away up the river. Sorry, no, but is that not a banging night out? I mean, it'd be a good night out. Yeah, come on, no. A good night out. Definitely a memorable night out. Yeah. I'd enjoy that.

I mean, you couldn't with your diabetes. I could give it a go. Would you? I could give it a go. He could do it. I mean, I've been saying it would be a lot of admin. Yeah. People with diabetes can eat whatever they like.

Thanks, James. You know, my mother, well, you don't know, but... I've been saying it would be a lot of admin. People with diabetes can eat whatever they like. Thanks, Jamie. You know my mother was, well you don't know, but you don't know. So, my mother's there. My mother was the head of the diabetic unit in a hospital in Dublin. Really? Yeah, she was a diabetic nurse. Oh, there you go.

Yeah, she's always tested you. So, she can look out for me? Exactly. Yeah. And you're doing alright? She gave you CPR. Did you see the footage recently of the two, the rat giving the other rat CPR? Did you see this?

It was going around the internet. Swear to God, in a lab. It wasn't. I swear to God. He was resuscitating another rat. He pulled your man's tongue out of his mouth. Look at that. Yeah, yeah.

A rat giving another rat CPR. Google it there. He pulled the tongue out of his mouth and gave it CPR. Pulled the tongue out of his mouth. It's come up from a rat. Benita was good. I find a rat given another rat CPR. He pulled the tongue out of his mouth. It's come up from a rat resuscitate rat. I'm pretty sure he's Googling rat resuscitate rat. He has Googled it and it has come up with a scene from Dr. Dolittle. Are you sure you haven't

seen a scene from Dr. Dolittle and you think it is a real thing? I'm telling you now. Rat resuscitates rat. Have you seen that video of the rat who can control the chef? That's crazy. I'm going to get this. I'm going to get this. Yeah. He pulls his tongue out of his mouth and all. Yeah.

To unblock his airway. I'm telling you. Yeah. Oh, you're going to be so sorry. Chest compressions to the tuna. I'll be very happy to see it. Staying alive. I read it on Science Weekly.

Science Weekly? You can't just make up a newspaper. Where is it then? Where's this video? Hold on a second, I'll get it. Benita's found it, I think. Do you want to take a while to find this video because she got two phones for some reason. Rapshow, empathy.

Okay, he's got it there. Yeah, look, there you go. He's trying to fucking kill him. Yeah. Well, for a start, they're mice. Yeah, that's a mouse. But it doesn't look like he is resuscitating it. That is just that bit, they're mice. Yeah, that's a mouse. But it doesn't look like he is resuscitating it. That is just

that bit that they're showing. Maybe they are rats because they've just gone with mouse to mouse resuscitation, which you can't ignore that. I mean, the animal isn't important. The point is that they are. I'm not sure that's trying to resuscitate it. I think we're putting our... I believe it is. I think he's eating his tongue. The scientist who made the meme.

He's highly respected. He says he's resuscitating them. And I choose to believe in science James. Yeah, that's true actually. Why wouldn't you believe the research James? Do the work. Yeah. I think only if he did save his life, which obviously doesn't happen in the video. Can you say it was trying to resuscitate it? Otherwise, I think it's eating its tongue. Well, there was something going on. Yeah. Yes.

So that's a better lead in. Go, have you seen that video with two rats where something's going on? Can we all agree something's going on here? Yes. Yes, we can. He pulls his tongue out to unblock his airways. It's crazy. But is it to unblock its airways or is it, I'm going to get this tongue, I can't wait to eat it.

Pull that out the mouth and then it just gets stuck in gnawing the tongue off. If you can't trust the Daily Mail, who can you trust? So true. You know? So true. And on that note, thank you so much Joanne for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you Joanne. What an episode James. I feel pissed talking about booze that much. I feel absolutely hammered man. I'm going to be hungover tomorrow thanks to that chat. Joanne was absolutely great. Thank you so much to her for coming on. And of course she

did not say Pachene. The only alcohol that wasn't mentioned in the podcast. I was ready. I thought here we go. Oh, Benito just received an email for the Tom Hardy film Havoc. There we go. Netflix have let him know that it's on. I mean, that's free advertising there for Netflix. His film Havoc is about when he got hired to ride on a penny farthing with the desert trolley into Joanne's restaurant. Yeah. I mean, I would watch that film. Yeah. So would I. Do go and see Joanne on tour. She's on tour now. The show is called Penophile and we know that she is that.

Yes, and it's going to be a hilarious show. Get yourself along to it. It's going to sell out pretty quickly, I'd say. I believe so. Thanks for a lovely series, of course. That was the last one in the series, James. Yes, thank you for, if you've listened to all the episodes, thank you. If you haven't, I know that you're going to go back and listen to them all night. You've got to, you've got to, you've got to catch them all, James. Yes, thank you for if you've listened to all the episodes. Thank you. If you haven't, I know that you're going to go back and listen to them. You got to you got

to you got to catch them all man. We've had some crazy guests on this series, of course, Goldblum, De Niro. Who would have thought we'd be like, Oh, do you remember when we had Jeff Goldblum and Robert De Niro when only if you know series or so ago we had like huge Davis. Oh, you're gonna have to remind me who that is not familiar with that name Oh, I don't really describe him. Yes Okay, it's not humor as such okay, I'll get it I'll get it hi huge hello huge You're going to put us in your little Instagram story now Oh, I can't wait. Yeah, where you're sat on a train looking sad and this is playing.

Yeah. Yeah. Pretending you're upset, but you're getting loads of views out of this, aren't you? Oh, I hope you love the views. Huge. I hope you delight in them. And this is cyberbullying Goodbye! of off-menu when I chose to have seaweed on mash and I'll be taking no further questions. And my name is Ian Smith and you may remember me from the one line of dialogue I had in a non-broadcast Channel 4 pilot. Maybe you were in the studio audience at the time. Who can forget? But that's not what we're here to talk about. No, Northern News, our podcast is coming back for series four. And don't worry, it's not a boring news podcast.

No way. We're two Northerners living in London and every week we catch up on the weirdest, most bizarre local news from up north. Things like... Woman in tears after spotting spitting image of dead dog in bathmat. Pure evil blackbird named Derek terrorising Yorkshire village and attacking children. And we're joined by special correspondents every week, like you and only Ed Gamble who you might have heard of. You'll remember him from this podcast, the one you're listening to now. He hosts it. Yeah. Co-host. He was on my episode of Off Menu. Was he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was in the non-broadcast channel

4pilot I did as well. Oh he will have been. He's a nice guy. That's Northern News out every Thursday at wherever you get your podcasts.