Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 3: Richard Osman

Episode Date: December 19, 2018

Richard Osman – off of ‘Pointless’, ‘House of Games’ and ‘Taskmaster’ – is this week’s guest, bringing with him fascinating food thoughts and memories. Plus, he picks on Ed and picks holes in the format.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography) and Amy Browne (illustrations)Follow Richard Osman on Twitter: @richardosman.Ed Gamble is on tour in 2019. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour in 2019. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Hello, and welcome to Off Menu with me, Ed Gamble. And who's that over there? His name is James A. Castor. James A. Castor. He's a good boy, isn't he? Good boy. Welcome back to the podcast. I hope you've been listening to all the other lovely episodes. Today we've got a wonderful guest in the shape of Richard Osman. And when I say that, it

is Richard Osman, not just someone in the shape of him. No, and else is in the shape of him. No, that would be very difficult to track down. Yes. He tells us loads of great stuff, all the food that he likes, and... No. James is very good at intros. No. I'm not going to give any of it away. He picks his favorite meal as per on the Off Menu podcast. Lots of interesting discussions. He also comes from me quite hard.

Yeah. Ed gets it. I get it. Ed's staring down the barrel for most of this episode, and it was a pleasure for me to watch. Our secret ingredient. Every week we have a secret ingredient that we don't tell the guests in advance, and if they bring it up, we'll take them to task for it, because it's an ingredient we don't enjoy. And today that ingredient is drum roll, James. Oh, don't hit the desk. Coriander.

Oh. A loom splitter. I don't mind the flavor, but I think it just gets sprinkled on too much stuff. Yeah. It gets invited to every party, and it's not exactly the life and soul. No. It gets invited to every party, and it's not an everyman. Yeah. It makes its presence known. It doesn't make sense to me. I actually don't like it in carrot and coriander soup. I'd

prefer it if it was just carrot soup, that's it. Well, you'd like it in carrot and coriander soup? No. Because if you got carrot and coriander soup and there was no coriander in it, you'd be the first to complain. No. I say, keep the name the same and get rid of the coriander. Right, you're mad. Anyway, this is Richard Osman.

We're here with Richard Osman. Hello. Hello, Ed. How are you? Fine. Thank you. Thank you very much for coming to our dream restaurant, James. Can I take your coat? Yeah, sure. Here you go. Thank you very much. Oh, a creaky coat. That's a very good coat.

I know. It's a really old leather coat. Lovely stuff. Would the waiter take the coat as well? No. In a small restaurant, they would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is a small restaurant? I'm the only one who works on the genie.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, gosh. He's also a genie. It can be a long afternoon. Yeah. It's all me. So you're a genie and why would you run a restaurant? I'm a genie because this is your favorite, this is your dream restaurant, your favorite

restaurant. You can't get all these meals anywhere else and so naturally a genie would be the one who would. What if every single thing that I'm going to mention comes from, say, just comes from five guys? Yes. This is like. They don't really do find the starters at five guys, do they?

Well, you could say that. You could have chips as a starter. A tiny or a tiny burger. A little tiny burger. Yeah. Oh, those peanuts. Those peanuts. Oh, they are a starter.

You could say that. That's the starter advice. Have you ever eaten the peanuts in five guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes me feel weird that they're just out. Yeah. Yeah, it's bikini, isn't it? Yeah.

Wild peanuts. They shouldn't, you shouldn't be eating them. It feels like they're more decoration than anything. Tom Neenan. What if they are? I made a funny, did a funny tweet about that. Oh, did he? Oh, was it redraw?

He said it used to be called six guys and one of them got fired for ordering too many peanuts. Tom Neenan. Follow him on Twitter. Tom Neenan. That's very good. Now, James is a genie because what happened was we came up with a very simple, clean format of asking people their dream meals and James thought we should overcomplicate it

by making him a genie. Yes. We'll start and have classes to order it. But so you're doing a podcast and this was your, this was the thought. Me and Ed love food. We love food. We eat a lot of food together. We recommend each other different places to go and eat different dishes.

We like talking about it with people. We get excited. Okay. This sounds like a pitch meeting. Yeah, yeah. Well, think about Ed and I. We love food. We've got a real, and we've got a friendship sort of based on food.

We've got a lot of food based banter. One of the best TV pictures I ever saw, which is the front page said, this program will appeal to anybody who's ever bought a record or listened to the radio. Absolutely. Well, that is everybody. Wow. That's broad. That's a broad remit.

Yeah. Isn't it just, oh, so you love food. Love food. You're a couple of buddies. And I'm a genie. See, that's where I sort of get off board, I think. Yeah. When he's a genie.

But hopefully it won't come up again. No, but people like that from James, don't they? Yeah. Whimsy. Yeah. And Reese James type of solid. Wow. Better than both of them, actually.

Guess what happened to me yesterday? James is a bit more kind of, oh, I'm a genie. I work in a restaurant. And weirdly, the weirdest stuff actually happens to James, and he still has to add on being a genie at the end of it. Yeah. Well, people won't believe it otherwise. You've got to let them know you're a genie.

And if you do say all of your food is from five guys, then the genie restaurant that I'll create a few is the best five I've ever been to. The one in Covent Garden. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Okay.

So you've taken, you've taken Richard's coat. Yes. Yes. Oh, thank you for that. Yeah. At the door. Oh, I'm seated. Yeah.

You're in. So what? Water? Yeah. That's the first question. Water. Yeah. Would you like tap sparkling or still?

So difficult, isn't it? I think that, I think that. You're not paying for it. I'm not paying for any of this. No. Why would I go for tap water then? Well, that's why I'm throwing that. That's a format floor.

Yeah. There's no incentive for me to go. But you are, if you are, so if you are paying. Yeah. Well, sparkling would be exotic. Yeah. And then while still water, I'd usually ask for tap water, but then that puts pressure on me for the rest of the meal to feel I have to order something expensive.

So they don't think I'm ordering tap water to be cheap. Right. I'm just ordering to save the environment. Yeah. I go, no, I'm ordering this environmentally. Not because. This is free. Yeah, exactly.

So tap water, but then, then I'd order a more expensive main course than I previously would have done. Yeah. I see. I've got them, right? Very good. Yeah. Get out of that.

Do you like it when someone has an restaurant recently? No way. Yeah. You guys really do like food. We love food. We make it up. We do a podcast. Yeah.

What's the name of the podcast? Off Menu. Ah, so good, isn't it? Yeah. It's kind of like, it says we're slightly Maverick. Yeah. It's about food. If you like food, you've got the word menu in there.

Yeah. If you like Maverick comedy. If you were like, not like menu. Not what you should be like. Menu. We can improv. Yeah. People know we can improv.

For off menu. Holy fuck. We're outside the box. We're off menu. Yeah. That's your outside the bento box. Yeah, right? It's amazing.

It's a good title. I don't know. I don't know. I saw the bento box for you, Ben. Ben is like the sous chef here, right? Yeah. Who you just shout at in the kitchen. Yeah.

If Ben was in the podcast more, it would be called outside the bento box. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's really good. Now we've done water. What comes up? Yeah. Bread on poppy-dums, Richard. Say again.

Bread on poppy-dums. Oh, bread on poppy-dums? Yeah. What sort of restaurant? I mean, I would say. You're in the dream restaurant. You can get bread on poppy-dums. Okay.

Well, listen. You can get your best bread on poppy-dums. Yeah. It's poppy-dums, right? Poppy-dums is poppy-dums. Poppy-dums is poppy-dums. Oh, to be amazing. By Madonna.

Bread covers every single other type of bread ever created in any culture in any type of history, apart from poppy-dums. Yes. So it would be weird if you said poppy-dums. I'll go for bread, please. What kind of bread do you want? Oh, I don't know. If you're going to say about that, then what kind of bread?

Because I'm not going to bring you all the types of bread from all the history. No, you're quite right. I'm a genius, aren't you? Yeah. I can do that. Yeah, you can do that. You want all the bread forever. It might be a bit carvy for me.

Yeah. I'll get you on the banquet table. Yeah, very nice. You're going to finish it all before you... I like it when you go to a posh restaurant and they do the bread when it's warm. I don't care even if they just put it in the microwave. Yeah. Stick a bit of mother's pride in the microwave.

Nice warm bread. That will form me. Yeah. And the salty butter. Don't bring out bread and then bring out butter that's so rock hard. Yes. It's impossible for me to... Yeah.

Soft salty. Soft salty. You're a restaurant, so this is all you're doing. Absolutely. Every single person, you're bringing out butter to them. Yeah. Every single person is going to have the same trouble if it's cold. Yeah.

You can't spread it. What's the point of that? Absolutely. You're having it all cooked. Lumps. And then do you ever just like deal with having this solid rectangle of butter in the bread and you've got to eat it all at once? Don't.

Well, I would tend not to. I would tend to just leave that. You would just be like, this is a right off. I'm not going to do that. It's absolutely... Which is a shame because I like some bread at the start of a meal. So do I. Because when else do you eat bits of bread?

Yeah, exactly. You get a big lump of bread. You never at home just go, oh, I'm hungry. I'm going to eat some bread and then I'll have some food. Yeah, and then dinner time. Yeah. Did you dip it in some oil? No, I don't really like that.

I'm quite fussy. Yeah, yeah. I don't like it when they bring out things that don't really know what it is. You know what oil is there, right? I know what... Yeah, but... Yeah, yeah, nothing like a pointless computer. No, what oil is...

I think I do. Although, define oil. I've got it here, James. Wow. It's impossible just to find it. There's many different oils. Olive oil. No, that's not even...

I didn't say name some oils. Right. Define oil. Liquid fat. Yeah. Well, no, petroleum isn't liquid fat, is it? No, but they're not going to bring you out a bit of petroleum, are they? Oh, he's absolutely dodging the question.

What was the question? Define oil. Define oil. Yeah, but why am I defining oil? I can't remember why I'm defining it now. Because you said, you know what oil is, don't you? Yeah. Yeah.

But you know when they present you with some oil, you know what that is? I suppose so. Anyway, I don't like it. That's what I'm saying. Liquid fat. It's a tricky question. It is a tricky question. Yeah.

If you have to define it virtually anything, it's almost impossible. So yeah, please do some red. Black water. Black water, yeah. Define oil. Did you? Oh, no. Slippy water.

Slippy water. Slippy water. Slippy water for your car. Yeah. Shall we move on to starter? What do you like for your starter? Your dream starter. It's such a good question.

When I was a boy, when I was a youngster, I think sometimes I worked in this industry a really long time, you know, like a really long time. I'm quite old, but I don't think I'm old. Yeah. But when I think about the generations of comics that I've seen grow up and then I'm sitting here with you two. And you're like really young. And I think, God, how old must you think I am?

Because then I think forward to how old I thought people were when I was in Teddy. And I was thinking, you're like 32, right? Something like that. I'm exactly 32. 33. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I'm 47.

So I think, well, he's 15 years older than me. So me to you is the same as someone 15 years older than me. Do you know who that is? Theresa May. Theresa May to me is the same age as you think I am. And when you were just starting out, you remember seeing her on the circuit. Yes. Yes.

It's a type five. She was the Tom Neenan of her day. Anyway, when I was younger, we didn't use to have restaurants at all. But as a starter, they would give you an orange juice. What? That would be the starter. You'd go up once a year, we went to the carvery for my Nan's birthday. And you would have an orange juice.

You could have melon or you could have an orange juice. And then after some, then they had, there was like prawn cocktail you could have. And that was it. That was a starter. They would bring you like a glass of orange juice. A glass of orange juice. It was a starter. Can you believe that?

No, I can't believe that. Would they put it in the middle of your like in between the knife and fork? Yeah, yeah. They put it and you'd. Yeah. And you'd just drink it or eat it with a straw? I didn't really know how to do it. But yeah, but that's what you would, that's what you would have.

It's crazy. The world has changed. The world has changed. I'd kick off if they did that. Yeah. This podcast would be so boring if it was from 35, 40 years ago. It would just be called orange juice or melon. Yeah, it would just be called orange juice or melon.

So I would have, I tell you what, I think it's the best food. This was a difficult question for me until literally last week when I went up for dinner with a couple of comedy writers to a restaurant as a new restaurant in London called Cora Pearl. That's what it's called. Perfectly nice. Yeah. Nice food and everything. But the starter they had sold a problem for me.

I think the best food in the world pretty much is a toasted ham and cheese sandwich or a toasted ham and bacon sandwich, something like that. Yeah. You know, some mixture of bread, cheese. Done well, yeah. And pork. But you know, you can't get that as a starter anyway, right? Wrong.

Wrong. Because at Cora Pearl, they bring you out this sort of artisan. They've got three sort of finger sandwiches of, of, it's a toasted ham and cheese sandwich like pulled pork and cheese. And it's unbelievable. Yeah. So now that you can have a toasted ham and cheese sandwich as a starter, I think maybe that would be my best starter.

That's a good starter, right? That is a good starter. What kind of bread is it? It's very crispy and they've obviously buttered the outside as well. Good. Like a proper toasted sandwich. Very important. And it's, I don't know, it's white, I suppose.

Yeah. And then it's got, I don't know what type of cheese it was and I don't know what type of ham it was other than it was delicious. But toasted ham and cheese sandwiches, I think are amazing. All the, you know, Starbucks cost it anywhere. That's the way to go, isn't it? Very comforting food. Yeah.

Incredible. One of those things where the first time you have a, a toasty, it is a bit of a game changer. Yes. It is an amazing experience. The first time you have it, delicious. Yeah. Did you ever have a toaster?

Yeah. Toaster at home? Yeah. A breville. Yeah. Oh yeah. Amazing. But brevils are better.

You don't get anything better than an a breville. However lovely this Cora Pearl was and it was, it was amazing. It wouldn't be, yeah, like a cheese toasted sandwich that you'd make at home in a breville, which is great. We want to make the pocket in the, in the bread. Yeah. Yeah. You need that.

Yeah. It's incredible. In the same way that, you know, if Heston Blue Matar came up with frazzles, everyone would go, I mean, my mind, this is the most extraordinary thing anyone's ever made. Yeah. I mean, this is literally. Yeah. Imagine if you didn't know what frazzles were.

Yeah. And you went along and you said, I've got like these bacon crisps. And you were at them and you just went, how have you done this? Yeah. Yeah. You know, so, you know, in that summary, there are certain things. We should probably make like, you know, and that's why the restaurant format works. If it was just any food, what's your favorite food?

Every episode would be frazzles with everybody. Yeah, for sure. Everyone would just say frazzles. I was tempted. Good luck beating it. Frazzles would be a good starter as well, I think. I think I would be honestly really comfortable with that or what's it. And there was a, the starter was frazzles.

Yes. Would it matter what else was on the menu? Well, I was, I'd love to do a restaurant where the starter is sweets. The main course is crisps and the pudding is chocolate. I'd be very comfortable with that. I think that, yeah. I think people would like that. You could open that in shortage tomorrow, right?

Absolutely. And do it like the restaurant would be laid out, like your sitting room at home. Yeah. Yeah. And you can just sit on the sofa and eat. I'll have some sour skittles to start. Thank you. I will have the...

You like sour skittles, do you? Oh, yeah. Do you not like them? No, no, I quite like sour sweets, but I wouldn't have expected you to like sour sweets. Really? I love them. Oh, my days. You know.

They're my favourite thing in the world. I don't understand the phenomenon of sour sweets. Oh, I just love them. But anything that makes you do a face, why are you eating it? You know what I mean? Unless it's a happy face. Well, yeah, okay. There's a lot of different faces.

Specifically the in pain face. The fine face, the finer face. Yeah. I don't think sour skittles are particularly sour, I think. Oh, okay. But, you know, if you go down Kingdom of Sweets, which is just down the way from here where they do sweets from around the world, some of the sour sweets they do, like the warheads and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And toxic waste. And toxic waste once when I was driving and I nearly crashed. Amazing. No, they just stripped the analogy. Yeah, awful. Yeah, awful. Used to do the challenge as well as the kid with the warheads when it's like, see how

long you can have it in your mouth for. Me and my friends would do that. I did love that, absolutely. Yeah. Last time I was in Kingdom of Sweets, I tried to buy some peanut butter M&Ms. Yeah. The lady behind the counter was like, I haven't got any. I was like, why?

She went, illegal. No way. I was like, what? She went, it's illegal now in England. It's illegal because of new laws about health and stuff. We're doing a petition to try and get them back. So if you want to sign the petition, try and get peanut butter M&Ms back. I don't think that's true.

That doesn't sound right. No, well, this is the thing. I was like, I didn't really believe her, but I was like, okay. I had a really long chat with her about how peanut butter M&Ms are illegal. Yeah. Did she say at any point, I am at work. Yeah, yeah. I'm fascinated.

She didn't care. Let me just serve. Let me just serve this next. She didn't care at all. Yeah. The next time I went in there, they were in there again. And I said, I thought these were illegal. And she went, we won.

I remember that whole case. They weren't illegal. She's mixed up illegal with, they've run out of stock. Yeah. Because I just in there and they've got so much Reese's material. They're like Reese's pieces and Reese's nut radius and everything. Yeah. There's no way they're banning peanut M&Ms.

Yeah. What's specifically illegal about peanut butter M&Ms? It makes sense. That Reese's is allowed. Maybe they think that the ratio of, you know. Peanut to chocolate. Yeah. It's like, even though they're little.

They're dense. It's still like, yeah. They're each M&M technically has a whole jar of peanut butter in there. Yeah. Maybe it was like an advertiser thing. I believe that. So peanutty. Little legal.

Yes. It's just to start a bit of a PR thing. Yeah. You love peanut butter chocolate. I saw you tweet, you did a tweet once that the Butterfinger cups are better than Reese's peanut butter cups. Yeah. I do think that.

I do think that. I know that's quite controversial, but only because they've got little crispy bits. There's a little crunchy bit. Yeah. Little crunchy bits. I bought them on that recommendation. No way. I was like, Osmond says these are better.

Yeah. I liked them. And also there's four in a packet instead of three. Yeah. So that's better. Do the maths. Yeah. You do the maths.

Doesn't take a genius to... A genie. A genius. To work out that four is better than three. I think so. But don't you think a Swedish restaurant, start with sweets, then crisps, then chocolate? Definitely. Yeah.

I mean, you just kind of do that. Dress code is like, you have to wear just like your pants. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, and all other clothes as well, but you do have to wear pants. Yeah. You have to wear pants and then everything over the top of normal. Yeah.

Prove it. Yeah. Yeah. Prove you're wearing pants for a free diet coke. It's in a restaurant called Prove You're Wearing Pants. P-Y-W-P, I call it. Yeah. Yeah.

P-Y-W-P. Yeah. We call it in shortage. Imagine that. You have to go in and prove you're wearing pants. Yeah. And then you order your starburst. Yeah.

And then I'll have the... I would have the skips with a side of what sits. Would it be a quite pretentious... Would it be a full packet of starbursts? Or would it be a single starburst on a plate? Oh, no. I would have to pick out, right? That's the...

Yeah. It feels like you need to binge at this place. If you've ever seen... I tweeted something that my daughter did. It's really worth looking at. It's absolutely brilliant. They went to an all-you-can-eat buffet at her and some of her mates. And they had a competition where you have to just using all the...

You know, the all-you-can-eat buffets and the kind of stuff they have there. They had to make the plate of food that looked most like it was in a MasterChef final. Great. But just from the things that... All-you-can-eat buffet. Really? And I tweeted that her winning entry. Amazing.

But they were doing it. And like always in that place, if you do anything with the security guard, came over and said, come on, that's what you're doing. And in the end, they got him to judge the competition. But it was amazing. It's amazing. It's a little smear of something there and a little pickled onion in the middle.

Yeah, it's really good. A couple of bits. Smear is very important in MasterChef, aren't they? You've got to get a smear of sauce, right? Yeah, you really do. But anyway, that's a fun game to play. I'm going to do it. Yeah.

You'd be very good at it. So you guys love food, right? Now, I'm waiting for the ones being pitched to show you, but I absolutely love it and I'm on board. But anyone who's ever eaten a meal or seen a meal. Yeah. Yeah. If anyone who's ever eaten food.

If anyone who's ever seen a meal. But anyone who's ever needed to eat food to survive. Yeah. You will love this show. You will love this show. It's a competition where it's called smear test. Yeah. And you've got to get on the spear, right?

Oh, I've actually got a smear test. Oh, gents. This is, I mean, goodness me, this new generation of comedians. Very rude. That's really rude, isn't it? Very blue. Yeah. You work blue.

Yeah, I work blue. It's only rude if you already know what a smear test is. Otherwise, we're just innocent boys. It's not even rude anyway, to be fair, because a smear test is a perfectly, but it'd just be a weird thing to call a TV show. We'll see about that. I know you've got a lot of experience,

but you're very much from the old school, Richard. Yes, that's true. This new generation, we want shows called like smear test. I tell you what, if you called it Michael McIntyre's smear test, you'd have yourself a hit. Yeah. I would no disrespect to you guys, but that's the way to sell it.

I haven't seen him doing anything for a while. McIntyre? Yeah, what's he doing? Smear test. Smear test. Well, I don't think he should be in the show, but we should still call it Michael McIntyre's smear test. When you're making a toast to you at home,

do you neaten it up around the edges? No. That's the best bit, right? Yeah, you've got to keep that. Burnt cheese is one of the best foods in the world. No one's really kind of made a thing of it. Yeah, it's really good. But if you make it something like that and the cheese is burnt,

you think, well, this is the best food ever, but no one quite... It's weird because people are getting into... People do burnt caramel or burnt ends. People are accepting now that burnt foods is quite nice, like jar of vegetables and stuff. Jar of vegetables? Yeah.

I'd eat pan scrapings on a menu. It's another good name for a restaurant, by the way. It's Gamble's pan scrapings. Michael McIntyre's pan scrapings. Yeah, yeah. Nice. Thank course for you, sir. Yes.

It's a tricky one, isn't it? Normally, my thing about any restaurant is... I always eat exactly the same thing. I will never, ever deviate. If I've liked something once, and I go to that same restaurant, I would literally never, ever change because that's my personality type.

And to my mind, the whole of London is a menu, and the one thing I like the most at the restaurants, that's the menu, and then I choose the thing on the menu that I want, and then I have to go to that restaurant. You're traveling around like this anyway when you have a free course meal. Yeah, exactly right.

I know exactly what they have for each course in any given restaurant. But I think the best main course, really, it's hard, isn't it? Because I do like the steak and chips. And also, it's quite a responsibility in the main course because that's the meal, really. The headliner.

But weirdly, it's in the middle. Yeah. Yeah. That's weird, isn't it? Yeah. Well, it's like a jazz club. A jazz club sometimes. No, it's like a comedy club,

but then they have a disco after. That's your pudding. Yeah. So you'd be playing. That's the main course. Or Ed may probably be the starter more like. But then after you are... Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you know. I'm a solid opener. And listen, it's a tricky spot to be in. You're really good on Mott the Week. Thank you very much. Yeah. I'll tell you what.

Having a taste of toasting. I just would not want to be the weak sometimes when you're on it. Oh, my goodness. Watch out the weak. Ouch. I think trouble, isn't it? Yeah, it really is.

Sometimes you can tell that Ed's going to be on Mott the Week because the weak just seems a little bit nervous. Yeah, a little bit nervous. I'm like, ugh. Yeah, try not to do anything just in case. The weak just keeps repeating the same news when it hits someone. No one wants to get over Mott, do they? No.

And it costs when Ed's around. A quivering mess. Yeah. Bandaged up. Right. It's like... Yeah, so it's hard. It's hard to...

It's hard. The main course is... It's hard. So I'm going to go for Christmas dinner. Can I do that? Oh, yes. Don't you think? There we go.

Yeah. What's the ultimate meal? Yeah. And I'm even... Christmas dinner. I'll be more... I'm specifically going to say Christmas dinner from the late 70s, early 80s. Who's cooking it?

My grandparents. Well, no. My grandparents. Goodness me. It was the 1970s. My grandmother. Yeah. My grandmother would go anywhere near that.

Goodness me. He's cracking up. He might prepare the orange juice for starters, right? Yeah. Exactly. I'll do the starter, yeah. Is it spiced orange juice on Christmas day? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Mold orange juice. Yeah, but hold on. Lovely. It's delicious. Yeah, so, yeah. Listen, Christmas dinner, turkey, roast potatoes, beef as well as turkey. Hold on a second. Oh, whoa, whoa.

Back this puppy up. Don't just... Back this puppy up. You'll also have that, like it's something Ed's one does. You've got two meats. Just threw it in. Yeah, two meats. How many people were in the family?

Well, that would have been back in those days. It would be like seven or eight of us. Okay. Something like that. Still, normally, most gatherings at Christmas day, seven or eight of you, you're having one... And is that because some people... You don't know my grandmother. You prefer beef to turkey, so they'd have beef instead of turkey, or is everyone loading

their plate up with burky? Burky, yeah. They're going full burky. Teeth. Yeah, it's full teeth. Yeah. And the vegetarian's going to have full teeth. Yeah.

No, yeah, we'd always go double meat. I think that was crazily uncommon back in those days, when we certainly didn't have the internet, so we had a lot more time for cooking. Because, yeah, nowadays our parents are goofing all the time. Yeah. They're playing angry birds instead of cooking a goose. Yeah. I think my girlfriend's parents still have two meats, turkey and ham.

You've got two meat in-laws. Two meat in-laws, mate. Ham isn't a meat, in my opinion. Sorry, just to throw that... But like a gammon. Oh, yeah. I don't want to throw your own logic out. You're going to find meat, and then I think ham is a meat, Richard.

Yeah, I don't think it is. They're not just like cracking open a packet of wafer thin or anything. It's like a full gammon. Like a proper... Okay, yeah, that's fine. Yeah. I think ham becomes a meat as soon as it is thick as bacon. Anything thinner than that, and then it's a salami or something Italian.

Yeah. Anything thicker than that is bacon or a gammon or a pork. Let's not forget they're the same thing. Sure. And that's a meat. But as soon as it gets thinner, I don't think that's a real meat. But do you mean like, you know, like a dinner meat, like that you would have as a main cook? Yeah, I guess.

Because like I still... I think I'm a traditionalist in this sense, but would just class sandwich thin meat as meat still. More like charcuterie. Yeah, charcuterie. Yeah, charcuterie. Yeah, charcuterie. I think you'll be a little bit arched there, James.

Yeah. I think you're showing your posthumous there. I am. I think a little bit of catering showing through. Yeah. I'm afraid. No, the silver's kept in spoon. Yeah.

It's come out of my mouth. The catering delicatessen. Yeah. So what veg are you going with? No veg. Turkey and beef. No. That's the key.

No. For me. No veg. No, I would never. I mean, everyone else is allowed some, obviously. But to me, the posthumous. Yeah, sure. I have them if you want.

But I don't enjoy the taste of them. So why would I have them? It's supposed to be a treat, isn't it? Yes, it's a treat though. So my biggest treat is to not have veg. Merry Christmas to me. Merry Christmas to me. Yeah.

That's exactly right. And I think, you know, because, yeah, listen, there's so much good food on that plate. Why then just think, oh, tell me what I'll do. Why don't I have a corner of the plate where there's like much, much worse food that doesn't really taste very nice? Yes. Why don't I do that alongside all the really, or I could get rid of that food and replace it with some of the food that I do like.

More potatoes. And also, you know, maybe have room for some quality street after this. I'd rather have quality street than vegetables. Sure. I don't think that's right. Would you put those on the plate? No. That's for afters.

Yeah. A map and putt on the plate? Hmm? You want a map and putt on the plate? I don't think so. Have all the trophy pennies? No, like carrots. Not a bad idea.

For the naked eye? Yeah, I should have tried that. So not even a parsnip? No. Roast parsnip roast carrots when it's sweetens them up? I mean, not even a parsnip. Parsnips are delicious. You say it because you think they're sweet or because they're not, if someone says no

vegetables, I wouldn't think not even a parsnip. Well, no, a parsnip to me. It's an overgene. Surely you'd have an overgene though. Yeah, yeah. Parsnip to me doesn't feel like a vegetable. It feels like a different tasting potato. Well, a potato is a vegetable, of course.

Yeah. But we all know it's not. Yeah. I kind of have a thing with it. Like, it took me a long time to like parsnips because the first time I had one I thought was a potato. I might have even told it on this show before. But like, first time I had a parsnip.

It was a show now, was it? Yeah. I thought it was the most potato. And I ate it and I was very disappointed. So I didn't like parsnips for ages because I thought it was going to be as good as the best thing in the world. Yeah. I think that's a really common thing is the accidental parsnip.

Yeah. And that's really ruined a lot of parsnips for a lot of people. You've got to be careful. You've got to be so careful. You are having most potatoes at this meal. Yeah, for sure. Of course, yeah. I haven't lost my mind.

I mean, me and Ed would not be able to defend you from the toiletries. Oh, I love it. I love it. If you're just having straight turkey and beef. Oh, just turkey and beef. Then that's not a Christmas dinner. It's just, I would like some turkey and beef. Yeah, and some beef.

That's what Joel Domit has for Christmas dinner. It's turkey and beef. It's turkey and beef. I bet he just has a cross. It's followed by reps. Don't you think? He has a powder and he mixes it in soy milk. I'm like, yeah, it just absolutely canes it down.

Yeah. And that's it. And yeah, then he goes out running in the park. And then, like, goes on the swings and cries. Do you think he cries? Joel, I hope so. Don't you? Because otherwise, otherwise he'd be unbearable.

Yeah. Surely, there must be something wrong with him. I don't know who there is, unfortunately. Joel, who I adore, used to do the warm-up for Pointless. Can you imagine that? Yeah. Oh, he was great. What would you do?

Lift a pensioner above his head? Yeah. Well, yeah, he would always talk to them about liquid food. Yeah. How is your grandmother cooking the meat? Because obviously, we've all, you know, different people cook, mean different ways. Best turkey I ever had was my house, my old flatmate.

She's Canadian. I'm Canadian thanks to Thanksgiving. She made a turkey. She was injecting it with, like, stuff all day long. I think instead of basing it, huh? Heroin. Yes, actually. Oh, that's amazing.

Yeah, that's how my nan used to do turkey. Smacked turkey. Yeah, smacked turkey. Yeah, she's got a smacked turkey. We used to call it junk turkey back in those days. So you learned it in the war. And, yeah, it was amazing. The giblets were tiny little condoms for the cracker cane.

What? My grandmother's something else. Yeah, well, listen, it was a different time. Yeah. No, one of you didn't need car snips. There was no internet. Yeah, exactly. He needs car snips, right?

I'm fine. How was it? Yeah, she wrote, I don't know. She was like, I'd paid any attention to that. I was watching Top of the Pops. Was it better than anyone else's turkey? Yeah, of course. Because it was Christmas and you're with your family

and you're with people you love. And so, this meal, then, the main course, are we busing in your family to be around? I think we'd have to. I mean, listen, we'd have to. We'd less bust more time machine. Yeah, yeah. He's a genie.

He's a genie. Oh, amazing. I'd love that. Yeah, so, yeah, we'll head back. We'll have that. We'll have a triple pursuit or something afterwards. That would be nice. Were you good at triple pursuit?

No, I was all right for, like, an 11-year-old. Yeah. But a game, some sort of board game. But anyway, the food itself, that's the best meal. Gravy. Talk to me about gravy. Oh, I love gravy. Yeah?

Yeah. Do you cook Christmas dinner now? No. God, no. God, no. I don't cook anything. So you've never, you don't have a secret roast potato recipe or anything?

I do. Yeah, actually, which is weird, because I never cook them. But I just, I do, because I like secrets. So you're going to keep it a secret? Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Are you going to tell us your secret roast potato recipe? Of course not.

Otherwise, how would it be a secret roast potato? I mean, it's crazy. Very true. Also, I've been asked by the Knights of the Template to keep it a secret. And I will do. I'll take that responsibility very seriously. I'm trying to guess what it is now.

Go on then. Do you roast the potatoes in a hand of mashed potato? Oh, God, you got it. So you cover them with mashed potato. Yeah, yeah. And then the mashed potato gets hot around them and then it roasts. Yeah.

So roast potatoes. Yes. Yeah. Well done. First guess. Christmas dinner is a great answer for main course. Yeah. Don't you think?

Crabby sauce? Yeah. Yeah, why not? I've been not really. Again, it's too sweet. I don't really like mixing sweet. Bread sauce? Savory.

Yeah, bread sauce would be a bit more appropriate. But you know, sweet and savoury, is that a thing? Is that a good thing? Very American, isn't it? There's more like a Thanksgiving sort of thing. Sure. I like it. I was obviously starting dipping fries into milkshakes.

No. Very nice. When I was in China. In and out burger, it's nice. Oh, really? Yeah. I haven't tried it anywhere else, but the kind of fries they have there are quite cardboardy. Yeah.

So I don't really like them on their own. You don't like the in and out fries? No, but they're perfect for dipping in a milkshake. Is there an in and out over here now? No, not yet. As far as I know. So this is just like I've been to America. Yeah, this is all I've been to LA.

Into America. Yeah. Into America. My fries in a milkshake. Wow. Vanilla milkshake in and out fries. China recently. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Because my daughter lives out there. And we go to this restaurant that was sort of it was this was supposedly a Western restaurant. So he went at one point and they had this thing and it said it said French fries served in the traditional Belgian way with ice cream. Right. Wow. And you're thinking, okay, okay, but this is clearly a mistranslation. There's so much mistranslation out there.

So we thought, well, let's get them because it'll be mayonnaise and whatever it is. But I think there had been a mistranslation, but I think they had obviously mistranslated this meeting because it came this big bowl of fries. But with vanilla ice cream. Wow. On the top of it. On it already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's already on there.

Oh my goodness. Yeah. Wow. And it was so brutally awful. Because I love both of those things. Yeah. Vanilla ice cream and chips. Yeah.

And I think most things go together if you don't have any standards, which I don't. The idea was really, really bad. But yeah, the traditional Belgian way apparently is chips with ice cream. And I don't think it is. No, I think I've been to Belgium, but I'm pretty sure they never heard of that. I think we all know about it. It's mayonnaise, right? Yeah.

They've made them a snack. Yeah. And I would only know that because it's sort of Pulp Fiction. They say that in Holland they drown. Yeah. Although these days, the more you go to restaurants, when they bring you chips, they'll bring, oh, do you want mayonnaise or ketchup? You think, no.

What? I want my chips on vinegar. Yeah. Obviously I want vinegar with my chips. I like mayonnaise and chips. But sometimes they want to bring out Bill Samick vinegar. Yeah. And you think, well, of course that's not what I mean.

No, it's not. But suddenly, someone seems a couple of years ago to go, oh, what? Chips and vinegar? I don't think that's a thing. I don't think people... You think, but that's like the... Yeah. Chips, chopped chips with vinegar just absolutely drenched on them.

We used to put so much vinegar on them in school. And then we would then like, half them. Let's see if you could like, do it without having a coffin fit. You put your head over it and breathe in as much as you could without like, spluttering and ruining your afternoon. That's like sniffing glue. Yeah. It was what we did.

Sniffing sarsons. Half chips with vinegar. Nice. In the playground. When I was at a kibbehler fish and chip shop, I looked this up recently when I did my book, The World Cup of Everything. I was looking at all sorts of interesting things. But I was talking about fish and chips.

And I remember when I was a kid at our fish and chip shop, you'd get caught and had it. But you'd also get huss. And it occurred to me, I'd never heard of huss ever since. It's not a thing. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. But it's a thing that... So it would always be there.

And I looked it up and the huss is a type of shark. Wow. So we were eating shark and chips. That's quite good, isn't it? Well, you didn't even know it. That's great. No, it wouldn't have a clue. I think lots of things are types of shark.

I think probably is the truth. Yeah. But it was... Yeah, it was shark and chips. That's shark. It's not shark anymore. It's probably overfished. I think it's now illegal.

Yeah. Like peanut butter. Exactly. Yeah. Same company. Yeah. So you've got Christmas dinner main course. And the good thing about this restaurant is you can't get over full.

Oh, no way. You can be like satisfied. But you're not going to feel sick enough that you can't move on to the next course. Yeah, you'll be fine. Best side dish. Well, interestingly, the next category is best side. Oh, no, really? But you've got Christmas dinner.

You've got Christmas dinner. I think you've found a loophole. We're going to have to let him have it. Or are you going to let him have roast potatoes on his Christmas dinner as a side? Well, no, because roast potatoes are a type of part of the Christmas dinner, aren't they? Yeah. So what are you putting on the side of the Christmas dinner? Oh, goodness.

I didn't rethink that through. I've got a suggestion. I'll just say one thing about the format, which is if it is a fantasy meal, we understand fantasy meal. No, I'm not dismantling. In any way, I hope I'm helping. Yes. I'm just saying if it's a fantasy restaurant and we're having a fantasy meal, then obviously

starter is very self-contained. Yes. Dessert is self-contained. Yes. Drink is self-contained. Yeah. Suddenly, bang in the middle of this format, like a leaning tower, is two things which are inextricably linked to each other.

Yes. You know, and I hadn't really thought that through. Oh, well. I was thinking, what would I add as a side? You're okay to be blaming the format for your lack of foresight. I don't think so. Well, let's see. That's what makes this bit interesting.

Oh, so listen. This is what brings people back. They come for the food. They stay for the controversy. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I hadn't really thought that through. Listen, chips are the best side.

That's it. If that is a side. You can't say that. You can't say that. They do. There's a restaurant really near here, about two streets over. I won't give away where you are because of your many fans. The gamblers.

The gamblers. The... Acastronauts. Yeah, Acastronauts. You've thought about that. I've never thought about that. I want people to know that I've never thought about that. But I like it.

It's good. Acastronauts. Love it. God, I thought gamblers is going to be as good as it gets. Yeah, no, Acastronauts. No, you've been done there, haven't you? What are your... There's a restaurant.

Osmanonites. Osmaniax. Oh, of course. Yeah. But by and large, they're not Osmaniax. There is a restaurant very near here. I won't say it is. You can't say because that was cool.

I can't say it was because of the Acastronauts. If we could give it away. Imagine if they knew. They'll all be down. Imagine if they knew this was done near Burner Street in London. Yeah, yeah. I don't think we'd be in trouble. Imagine if they knew it was somewhere within 200 yards of Burner Street in London.

And they would be scouring. They'd be waiting outside. Well, I'll tell you a way they do it is these days is drones. Oh, yeah. I mean, they wouldn't come down themselves. There's no point. They scope it out first. Yeah.

Drone it. You know, just see. The Acastronauts are very tech savvy. They are very tech savvy. Yeah. Have a look down at your copper top. They spot your mind off. There you go.

There he is. There's our boy. There's a restaurant near here called the Burner's Tavern, which sounds like a Burney Inn, but isn't. It's a nice restaurant. And they do a mac cheese, which is the greatest mac cheese in the history of the world. This is your side dish. Yeah.

And it goes with Christmas dinner quite nicely. I suppose so. But it's really, I mean, it's unbelievable. I mean, it's really unbelievable. It's quite something. If you ever get the chance, why wouldn't you get the chance? Because you're really near it. And you're both earning.

You're both on Apollo. You're both earning now. So you can afford to go to Burner's Tavern. For life after you've done the Apollo. Oh, yeah. I had. I went to a wedding recently. No way.

And they did mac and cheese. That's good. And it was mac and cheese. I had jalapenos in it. It's the best mac and cheese I've ever had. No, really. This is good. This has kind of like ox tail on top of it and stuff as well.

I mean, it's really, really good. There's a takeaway place near me that does mac and cheese balls as a side. No, like deep fried mac and cheese balls. Amazing. Wow. Where's that? Without giving away where I live. I've been really worried about the game.

It's near his house now. Yeah, it's pretty near where I live. I'll tell you after. If they find out where you live, then they can triangulate. Now they actually do this mac and cheese balls London. Now we're down that way. That's really easy to do. There can't be that many places to do it.

And you'll be north London somewhere because of your generation, probably northeast. No. Well, now we're just narrowing it down. Yes, it is actually. Yeah, mac and cheese balls. I think it's more likely. I don't think people would find out where that is to find out where I live. I think they'd be more likely to find out where I live so they could go and find some mac and cheese balls.

They just ignore where I am. Do you think it's easier to Google where the mac and cheese balls are than Google where you live? Yeah. If we Google where does that gamble live? Have you ever tried that? No. Yeah. Let's do it right now.

Yes. Here we go. I'm getting just for the purposes of the tape. I'm getting my phone out going on Google, but other search websites are asked to use are available. Well, it's good job. This didn't exist as technology when your grandmother was cooking Christmas dinner. She would have been searching this kind of stuff. You wouldn't have two meats.

Where does that gamble live? Best live gambling sites. That's the problem. That gamble is essentially a great guy delivering humor through your classic something. That's my website. It really needs changing. It doesn't really. It gambles.

It doesn't say at all. It's good, isn't it? It gambles. Oh, Stoke Newington. No. Imagine if it was, though. Imagine if it was, though. I'd like to live in Stoke Newington.

Would you? Yeah. You can afford Stoke Newington. Surely. I mean, but now I can't now because we've just said Stoke Newington. I've just said it. So the gamblers are going to find out. They're going to camp out in advance.

They'll move there and just wait for you. Where were we? Mac and cheese. Oh, Mac and cheese. Yes. Yeah. The Mac and cheese at Berners-Taven is amazing. Ox tail on it.

Yeah. Like, you know, in like a really amazing sort of very rich sauce. It's gorgeous. I'd like to go there after this recording. Yeah. We're genuinely going to eat that. Honestly. But they sort of serve it as a main course and you can't finish it.

I guarantee that neither of you will finish it, even though it's amazing. Absolutely. We're going to go. We're going to go. Challenge accepted. I'm going to give you a photo of the bowl when it's clean. Okay. And then you can lick that bowl.

Oh. You've got to come straight over and lick the bowl. You've got to come over and lick the bowl when I've finished it. James Acasus lick my bowl. Yeah. Another great show. Blimey. Yeah.

I really recommend it. We can do a side portion of that. Because Mac and cheese is a reasonable side dish. Yeah. I think so. Even if it's usually served as a main there, we can get it as a side for you. And I feel anything with turkey that has a bit of moisture to it. Yes.

It's not even the Christmas dinner. It's a very good move. Yes. It's quite, yeah. Like if you go to a Hawksmore or something, those restaurants where they're all over the place now, they're not steak with a Mac and cheese. I mean, it's too much food. But you don't get full.

This is a dream restaurant. Oh, of course. I don't get full. Yeah. Although in some ways, am I full at the end though? Oh, you're satisfied. You're satisfied. It's like a nightmare where you're always hungry.

It's just a nightmare restaurant. You're not a genie. You're standing up and going like, and for your next course. And also, you would still put on weight, but you'd just always be hungry. You'd just be there for years. All the negative health. Yeah. Oh, that'd be really bad.

And also with my eyesight, I can never really see where the losers are, so I always have to ask. And if I was there for that long, I'd be like, oh, I'm going to have to find out where the losers are. But that would be a thing as well, is that you would, after you've been to the, once you sit back down at your table, which you have to, you forget where the losers are again. That's part of the best time of the year. You would never remember where the losers are.

No, it's just over there. You could go past that, put it in, you sort of walk over there and you're in front of a table of like three tables. And you're like, oh, that's not the losers. I think it's, oh, God. And they're all like really attractive people at the table, and they all laugh at you. One of them whispers something to the other one, and then they all laugh. It's the guy from Pointless.

Yeah. And he doesn't even know where the losers are. It's the guy from Whittle. Oh, he's been eating mac and cheese for four and a half hours. Yeah. And look, he's so tall. Did you know he was that tall? Oh, it'd be awful.

This restaurant sells an absolute nightmare. Why has he got a paper crown on it? It's May. It's a whole family, isn't it? Let's keep on turning up for one course and going again and then coming back. And his grandparents are over a hundred. They look surprised to be reanimated. Pudding.

Welcome to Pudding. Oh, lovely. And again, this is another format issue because surely everyone says the same pudding. Oh, no. Oh, here we go. Well, because there is only one great. Well, the greatest. I'm going to try and guess from...

Okay, go ahead, but there is a definitive answer to the best pudding you would ever have. It's things that I think that you would maybe say. Yeah, I hear you. I don't know what you like, by the way. I haven't talked to you about what pudding you like, but it would be some... Imagine if we had. Yeah, yeah. It's weird, though, because I know you love food and you talk about it a lot.

Yeah, we've never had that special. Yeah, I speak to a lot of people about puddings, though. And also, I know that you do World Cup of Chocolate and stuff like that. Which wound me up, as you know. I tweeted you about how much it wound me up. Yeah, well, that's okay. It didn't wound me up. It existed.

The general public's opinions of chocolate. I was so annoyed that it was a dairy milk one. Dairy milk one? There's a reason it's popular, you know? Yeah, exactly. But people are just going for the middle of the road one. Well, yeah, when you've got a lot of people, this is why it's hard to win an election. It's why people don't understand how to win elections.

Yeah. Because, you know, anyway, that's a different podcast. I like a dairy milk. Yeah, they're fine. It's not the best chocolate bar, though. They're fine, actually. They don't want to win the World Cup of Chocolate. Yeah, they're no more teasers.

Well, they're no Kit Kat Chunky with peanut butter, which is fine. Oh, yeah, that's good. It's more up my street. Yeah, that's good as well. I like more teasers, obviously. And then I would take a teaser over a more teaser. A more teasers teaser. Yeah, teasers are interesting.

Yeah. Yeah, I give you that. I think you'll ever do them. Yeah, exactly. Because the dream was always when they bought out the more teasers in celebrations and you just went, well, this is a better version of a more teaser, which is impossible. Imagine if they made a whole bar that was this. Yes.

And then they did. Yeah. And then by the seventh one, you're like, oh, I had too many of these. Yeah, yeah. It's like the people that clamouring for a giant cream egg. Yes, Easter. Yeah. People would be careful what you wish for, right?

People would die. People would die if they were. Yeah, they'd enjoy it. Yeah. Well, that's what I thought Easter eggs were. When I was a kid and I saw them for the first time, it was like, oh, I thought they were all what it said it was. Yeah.

Yeah. A Mars egg was full of new garlic caramel. Yeah. And I thought everything was, that's what it was. What would be the best? Let's assume a normal sized Easter egg. Yeah. Let's assume it has the complete fitting of the chocolate bar it represents.

Yeah. What would be the most bearable to each bearable? Yeah. Because cream egg impossible because of the sweetness. Double decker because then it will change halfway through. But if that's a lot, you're getting through a lot of new guy there. Flake. Flake.

Flake. Well, I was thinking aero. I was thinking aero. Yeah. Possibly. Min arrow. That'd be quite nice. But it was, none of them are going to work.

I want it to be a soft one. I want it to be something that you normally don't get in that quantity. Bounty. Yeah. No, not about that. Look at him. Oh my God. That's it.

It's emotional. I like bounty. I like dark chocolate bounty. Really? You like dark chocolate bounty? Oh yeah. I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate. Goodness.

How do you like that? If every single chocolate bar came in dark chocolate version, I would always buy that. Really? Always. That's true. That's very sophisticated. Any chocolate bar. Milky bar by a dark chocolate version.

They do do that. They do dark chocolate versions of virtually everything. Yeah. There's all dark chocolate snickers. It's about 40 different types of snickers I saw today. You realize how much we're getting mugged off over here. Yeah, we really are. Yeah, we really are.

A lot of stuff. Although we do do good chocolate, but yeah. We do. My favorite chocolate in the world. Whittakers. I feel like I said that on the show as well. Whittakers is good. Whittakers from New Zealand.

Best chocolate in the world. Really? Yeah. But is that dark chocolate? They've got dark chocolate in their range. It's like their Capri's. But there's so many different chocolate bars. Really?

And it's all amazing. The closest to Willy Wonka chocolate I've ever had. In the way it's wrapped in foil. Really? And it's got big chunks. Yeah. And the different flavors. The peanut butter whittakers.

And where do we get over here? I think there's certain places that sell it. I know there are. Because my friends have bought them for me before. No way. And I have to kind of say don't tell me where you got this. Yeah, if you find out that. That's the end of my life.

Yeah, I can see that. I like that. So James, what was your guess? Tiramisu was absolutely a guess for me. Oh my God, that's literally the furthest. I mean, it could not be. I like almost every pudding. Yeah.

The only puddings I don't like. I don't like tiramisu. I don't like tiramisu. Anything with coffee. And I don't like it. You know our master chef? Mm-hmm. This drives me crazy.

So you're doing a pudding. What are you doing for pudding? Yeah. Oh, I'm doing a poached pear in a red wine sauce. Yeah. You think that is not a pudding? It's not a pudding. It's literally like the worst.

Yeah, a poached pear. And it's a bit of wet fruit. Yeah. Absolutely. There's no joy in their life. It doesn't like puddings. Mr. Burns would eat that. Yeah.

It's this. Yeah. A poached pear. That guy. Yeah. The inferiority. And here's my guess. Sticky toffee pudding.

Not sticky toffee pudding. Oh, I suppose it's better than tiramisu. Yeah. Chocolate photo cake. I'm going to say no. But I'm going to say you have one element right there. Chocolate. Yep.

There is chocolate involved. Chocolate brownie. No. Phil, if I've got one more guess. Chocolate fondant. Chocolate fondant. Another flavour in there. And then it has a form.

Dark chocolate gato. It is dark chocolate, actually. But it's not especially a good taste. What's the other? Orange? No. Mint. Mint.

Mint chocolate chip ice cream. It's over and after eight. You're so close to mint chocolate chip ice cream. It might be before your time. After eight. After two of them, though. Oh, it's okay. Mint vianetta.

Oh, yeah. The answer to your question. Mint vianetta. See what you would think if we would say that. But they would. It is the best. It was. It was the thing that ever wanted for a while.

There's a man who hasn't been to Iceland for a while. Yeah, yeah. Apologies. You know in Iceland there's a more teaser vianetta. Can you imagine such a thing? Have you ever tried it? No, I haven't actually. I haven't had it.

But that's worth having. You've only heard of it. That's almost more intriguing that you've not had it. And that you know about it. I know about it. But I just think because I'm a, you know, mint vianetta. I think it's very hard because they did a plain vianetta. Of course.

I don't need to tell you guys that. Which is really good and so elaborate. Vianetta. Very elaborate. It was invented in the 70s. So it was an extraordinary piece of food technology. Again, in the book, The World Cup of Everything, I talk about the guy who invented it. He was a chemist.

And it's so brilliant. But then the mint vianetta. Because I love mint chocolate chip ice cream. I think it's the greatest of all ice creams. If you're doing best ice cream flavor. Again, when I was younger, when I was a kid in the 70s, you didn't really have flavors for ice creams. You had three flavors, which were vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.

And then there were only two other flavors. One of which is raspberry ripple, which I see that. But then the other flavor is a flavor. Literally, there were five flavors and one of it was this last one, which you just think that's the flavor they should be inventing sort of now. Which was rum and raisin. Rum and raisin was like the fifth ice cream. I just think that's so crazy.

How did that happen? Yeah, they didn't. You think there would be some progression there. Some other ice cream flavors. But Ben and Jerry's now, we'll be going. I tell you what, we'll bring that. Rum and raisin. Oh, I can see that.

Yeah, kind of tropical. But yeah, that's a raisin. Start with raisin at least. Yeah, raisin. And then one of them accidentally spills a bit of rum in there or something. Yeah. Like the Alexander Fleming of ice creams. Because you know, the very first two ever crisp flavors, the experimenters, they were

always ready sorted. They tried for years and it was the Irish Tato who made the first crisp flavors. And they experimented with two flavors. Literally, the very, very, very first experiments they ever did. And the two flavors were salt and vinegar and cheese and onion. Yeah. So the two most popular, literally the first two they ever did. So they could have gone with that and it could have gone with anything.

Yeah. We could have all been eating paprika crisps like the Germans. Yeah, I do like a paprika crisps. No, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? I like paprika. Really?

Yeah. That's interesting. I like when they put it on fries there as well. Okay, yeah, I understand. Yeah, I can see that. That's good. Yeah, I'm not a big paprika fan. I have to say.

Well, I suppose we have vinegar, don't we? And they have paprika. Yeah. If you had one herbal spice for the rest of your life, what would you say? Oh, this is a new, that's a whole other part. No, this is him trying to, trying to save the ingredient. I'm not allowed to say what you guys don't like. I don't think it is.

It really would be so sneaky, Richard. If I could have one herbal spice. Oh, that's a really good question. Gosh. Hmm. Name some spices. I really like thyme. I like like rosemary with thyme is lovely.

Rosemary and thyme with like lamb rosemary and thyme. Hmm. That's a nice thing. Um, but salt, I guess. That's the, that's the only answer we all truly have. Yeah. Love salt. Hmm.

It's the best, right? Yeah, it really is the best. Whenever people are massaged, they're only able to put a little bit of marjoram on this. You think, yeah, just put some salt in it. Honestly. Yeah. Everyone would be much happy. Just put some salt and some butter.

Salted butter. Hmm. Salted butter. Oh. Nice, isn't it? But yeah. So, mint vienetta. Mint vienetta.

I don't see anything beating it. Are you? I'm not sure if you could eat one sitting mint vienetta? Whole one. You could eat a whole one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you take, would you take a slice by slice? Especially in the dream restaurant.

Yeah. Can cost a lot of that, yeah. Would you take it slice by slice? Yeah. So, we could just sit down and get a spoon and a slice, No, I think slice by slice. I think slice by slice for some decorum. Um, but, so, yeah, I mean, you could get.

Yeah. Listen, it's tricky. Obviously, I wouldn't eat a full one, but in this dream restaurant, that would be a reason to go. It's to find it. Like when I was a kid and you buy peninese stickers, right? Mm hmm. then is always by one packet at a time so you've got no money. And the dream is always to go into

the news agent and get a whole box, which I did as an adult. You know, I went into the thing and I've still got it completely unopened. So I thought that's a little present to 11 year old me. That's my gift. And I've always keep it. And the same way that a child, me would have gone if I could eat a whole mint viennetta. That was it. I could die happy. I would probably would die, but I would die happy. And this, you've given me that perfect opportunity in this dream restaurant where I don't get full. Was there ever cooks for me? I was always thinking that kind of stuff as a kid. That's what I wanted to do. And nowadays, I don't do that as an adult. But there was a time, late teens, early 20s, where I was doing that stuff all the time. Because you realize that no one's

telling you you can't do it. Yeah. No, it's not what I can't do. And I didn't know anything about any health risks or anything. I've done that kind of stuff. I was eating like a tub of ice cream. Hmm. I don't know, two, three times a week, I get a full tub. And also, you don't put on, you don't put on weight. Yeah, weirdly. See, I was doing that sort of stuff and being a big fat boy. Yeah, same thing. Yeah. I used to, you know, I lived an hour from any of my friends and I'd always walking around eating ice cream. But like, well, the walking around, though, was helpful. It was helpful. Yeah. If sitting down eating ice cream is better, walking around eating ice cream, you're all right. I wasn't doing it at the same time. I'd walk there, eat the ice cream and

then walk back. That's all two hours walking. Didn't you recently go to a party and buy a full tub of ice cream from the shop and then borrow someone's spoon from the house party and then walk home eating a tub of ice cream and threw the spoon in a bush? Yes. I think the one question we all have is what flavour was it? Yeah, good question. It was, oh, it was peanut butter, That's my favourite. That's my favourite. That is, I'm so glad you said that. Beautiful answer. Yeah, that is a great answer. That's amazing. You get it. It's got like the little, it's got like, yeah. Oh, my God. Some of them are really big chunks in there. It's incredible. My mum made a, when we were kids,

oh, she still makes it now at Christmas, but this, like obviously a homemade peanut butter cups. It's called peanut butter slice. It's like a tray bake. Oh, no. And then she started putting an ice cream and called it peanut butter slice cream. Oh, genius. And it was, it was the best dessert, but it was, I met your mum, I met someone, I met your mum, I should ask her about that. Yeah, because you, my mum was, what you're saying about people is remarking on how tall you are, even though it's obvious here, you should say it. My mum, very loudly, right next to you, while you were talking to my dad, said how tall you were. He's so tall. But to me fair, no, it's okay. Sometimes I do need to be reminded. I apologise Rich and it was out of order. I thought

it was fine. Listen, she was, she was, she's, she's a great woman. She's the inventor of the peanut butter slice cream peanut butter slice cream. Yeah, they like, they like to meet you very much. Well, my, I've told Richard this in the past, but my family are a bit obsessed with him anyway, because I did insert name here with Richard, which is a team captain. Yeah. And it's always a different name each time. It was Charlie, who's my nephew, that I was trying to do a joke that Charlie had written for me. But I'd said, I'd said at the start of the show, what Jocos would have done. And then Richard got there before me and did the joke instead. And, and then my nephew was allowed to watch that. He's only five at the time. And he was allowed to watch it. And he hit

now anytime. And I was like, I was in, we went to get ice cream, actually, as a family in an ice cream shop. Yeah. There was a Boskin Robbins. There wasn't it. It was a chin chin labs. And there was this high shelf that kids could climb up and get on if they were crafty enough. He climbed up on that and he said to me, am I as tall as your friend now? I didn't know who was talking about. I'm involved in this like home conversation with his mum and dad. I was like, I don't know what you mean. I'm as tall as your friend. It was for ages. And the most obsessed had to come along and go, he's talking about Richard Osmond. If he's as tall as Richard Osmond, so Richard did his joke. And he's, no, no, it's a lot about it. Yeah. Every time he's tall, he

asks, every time he climbs up somewhere high and he asks, am I as tall as your friend now? Yes, you are. I mean, listen, a great Gagsmith, but it doesn't understand height. There's no understand height. Does he? No, no, no. I don't agree with that to him. We haven't done drink. He must be thirsty. So you've got, you've got water. Yes. That's it. And you've got your tap water going on. But what are you, what are you drinking with this meal? That's a tricky one. I'm, listen, I'm one of those people. If I'm really honest, I don't really like alcohol. I drink, I drink it. I've drank plenty of it. And I've really learned to go, Oh yeah, I would really like to have some wine. Yeah, I really would. And I really like

being drunk. I love being drunk. I'm a properly drunk. So I like it. But you know, it wouldn't be my first choice. My first choice, like sort of, my first choice would be Diet Coke. Isn't that awful? It's just because I drink so much of it. I like it a lot. You know, but why do we like it? I'll tell you why I like it. Okay. I stopped drinking, well, I stopped drinking caffeine in 2013. Yeah. And although like, I didn't know that, but I stopped drinking Coke in general. Yeah. And then I thought, Oh, even though there's caffeine in it, I'll have myself some Diet Coke. But this was like, four years later. So I hadn't had any Coke, anything that tasted like Coca-Cola. I hadn't done it. And then Diet Coke now tastes like Coke used to. It doesn't taste like it.

Before, I'd be like, this tastes like a bad version of Coke. But now I'm like, this is what Coca-Cola tastes like. And I can't tell the difference. I've never really drunk normal Coke. So I've always, I went about two years without drinking it at all. Because one assumes that if you imagine that you were, you should always imagine you're in a sci-fi film at a given time, one assumes when they look back on this time, and they're allowed to go and they were drinking the fizzy brown stuff that killed them. You know, they were literally, they would go into ships and do it themselves. They were killing themselves deliberately they were doing it. And to me, that's the kind of product that would, so I went a couple of years

without it. But then you're back on it. It's just great. Yeah. But it's not weird. But that's a good pairing for your meal, I think. You think? Because if you're drinking wine throughout that, you know, you get to the Viennetta and you'd be drinking a red wine with Viennetta. I think it doesn't go well together with Diet Coke. It really does, doesn't it? Like lemon, which goes with everything. Yeah. What do you think of the flavored Diet Cokes that they bought out all the different ones? Right. Well, I'll tell you. Take us through. Cherry Diet Coke, I didn't used to mine, but then they added like, like a kick to it. Chili, the fiery chili one. Yeah. And I had that. I just thought, this is not, this is like catching in my throat. I didn't like it. The vanilla I didn't like. I

thought it was two vanilla. Peach? By two vanilla, do you mean the vanilla flavor was too strong or it was too weak? It was too weak. I found it was both too strong and too weak. And I think when I was over in Japan recently and I had a Coke, what was it called? Coke Plus, I think it was, which is supposed to be really good for you. It's supposed to be like a health Coke. Right. And it was really nice. It just tasted like normal Coke, but it's like a health, so it's like makes you better. I can't remember how, but I looked at that obviously. I looked at that and they said, oh, it's going to make you better. It's like kind of like Uber Miracle Coke. And that was good. That's not a normal Coke now. Let's just do that every one. Yeah.

Well, they should certainly bring it over. Yeah. And it was clear, like Tab used to be. Oh, great. So that was quite... Is it water? Oh, hold on a minute. And it wasn't fizzy. Richard, you've been done. So that was good. So the normal Cherry Coke, I don't mind. They did a lemon and lime Coke for a while, which is pretty good. Yeah. But yeah, I don't really like the flavors. I'm going to be honest with you. I liked Cherry until they changed it and gave it that little kick. I like Cherry Pepsi Max. That's one of my favorite drinks. It's quite, yeah. It feels like... Don't know that about you? Yeah. I mean, listen, it makes me feel dirty drinking that. That to me, it's like the kind of, that's the sort of, you know, someone who's a drug addict and then goes on to

heroin. Yeah. And you kind of go, yeah, listen, mate, that's now probably... Just step too far. Yeah. And I think that with Cherry Pepsi Max, because they do it in slightly bigger bottles. Yeah. We're going to give you three percent more of this thing that really, if you stop for one second to think about what you're actually tasting, you go, what the hell am I doing? What is this? But I still like it sometimes, but not, it doesn't make me feel good about myself. Classic Diet Coke with the meal. Coke Zero. Coke Zero? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I should have said that. You're odd. Yeah, I know. Big man on campus. Why do you choose Coke Zero over Diet Coke? Well, I often think that somewhere, somewhere way up above us, there are giants in white coats

looking down every time I go into a news agent and buy it, like put back a Diet Coke and pick out a Coke Zero, someone in that white coat in a microscope going, fascinating. Fascinating. Because of course it's no other than, you know, it's the thing is black, isn't it? And it's a bit more boysy. Yeah. So, so, isn't that pathetic? What a pathetic species. You don't want to buy Diet Coke and pick the news agent's thinking. Oh, someone's buying a Diet Coke. Yeah. I just think no, it's a bit more kind of, yeah, I'm just more comfortable with it. But that's why Coke Zero is basically, they brought it in because it was supposed to be like a manly Diet Coke. Yeah, I just listen to this and it's a work of genius because we are idiots. And it doesn't affect

my behavior in other ways, I don't think. But you know, and that tiny little outskirt of my personality, which is, do I want the thing that is 1% more manly or 1% more womanly? I think, no, I'm going, I think I'm going to go for the manly by Yorkie as well. Or no, that's too far because they expressly said they're for men. So, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not for me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Not cool. No, thank you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I won't, I will not be doing that. But something where I still, you know, yeah, no, listen, I'm a slave to my genetics, I suppose. There it is. Fair enough. You know, I am who I am. Make you feel bad about that? Yeah, at least you're prepared to admit, I'd probably got more, you know, I'd gone after

you more if you were trying to pretend it was for any other reason. Oh, yeah, no, I think it tastes the same. Yeah, yeah, I think I assume it does. I mean, I've got, honestly, my taste buds are so broken by years of drinking Diet Coke that it's, you know, I think I remember my Coke Zero because the name makes you think that, oh, maybe Diet Coke has got other stuff in it that is mad, and this is the ultimate Diet Coke. No, but it's a really good name. I mean, honestly, you have to hand it to some marketers and stuff like that because Diet Coke, you know, but Coke Zero, they're making it sound like better than a normal Coke. Zero is a cool word because it starts with a Z. Of course it is. And you know, it's in lots of computer games and stuff

like that. And you need to think, oh yeah, Coke Zero. And you think of another word, any word that begins with a Z that is not cool. Zebra. That's cool. No, really? Yeah, you think? Zebra's a cool. Yeah. Out of all the animals. It's a cool animal. Well, I suppose so. I can picture a Zebra way. Yeah. It's the only animal that makes the self-service tills go beep, isn't it? That's pretty cool. That's a barcode joke. So any word beginning with Z. Yeah, zap, cool. Cool. Zoetrope. Cool. Yeah. Zip, cool. Yeah, really cool. Zip lock. Zip lock, cool. Zigzag, cool. Zigzag, really cool. Right, I can't write, come on. Zither is not, but it's not super, yeah, it's not uncool. It's not uncool. There must be other words because it was Zit. Zit. Even Zit. No, no, no. Have I done it?

Yeah. I think Zit is probably. Zit, not cool. Yeah, not cool. I've got a Zit. It's cooler than Spot. Cooler than Spot. Do you think? Yeah. You've got to go like relatively speaking. We're going to have to wrap it up, unfortunately. That's absolutely fine. We've come to the end of the podcast and the end of the alphabet. This is a medium order back tune. Make sure I've got it right. Okay. Oh, this is some format. Go on. Yeah. You would like, you want it in the tap water. Yes, please. You want some bread to start and you want it warm with the butter. Nice and warm as well, but not too warm. Yeah, salted. Ham and cheese toasted to start. You want a Christmas dinner that is from the 70s that your grandmother used. Yeah, or early 80s. Yeah, two meats.

Mac and cheese on the side from. Burn this tavern where you're going to go. Absolutely. Put in a mint viennetta and all the way along, you'll be drinking a manly, manly Coke. Oh, what a lovely meal. I'm full. Thank you, gentlemen. That's all good treats. That was so lovely. No worries. That's all right, isn't it? It's nice things. You didn't say the... No, what were they? I bit it's coriander. It was coriander. Get out of my restaurant. You can't say I don't know comedy. We know what's a room splitter and what isn't. Yeah, that is a room splitter. And a big old room splitter. Thank you very much. Oh, it's a pleasure. Thank you, Jen. It's very best of luck with it. I hope it goes from strength

to strength. No, what are you talking about, the Diet Coke? The Coke's here. I go from strength to strength. I bet you wish it was stronger. Is this over now? Oh, that's a great ounce. Do that as you're out. Yeah, it's over now. That's going in. My genie powers are fading. Yeah. Get back in. Oh, he looks so pale. Get back in your lamp. Goodbye. And then he disappeared. I've gone into a lamp now for the listeners. I've gone into a lamp. Bye-bye, everyone. Bye, everybody. Richard Osman there. Whoa, so much food. What a lovely episode that was. Really good episode. He's very insightful. You know, you get started on any subject. He'll tell you about it. Let me tell you. It was a good choice for all the meals. I thought Christmas

dinner was an inspired choice for a main course. Yeah. And what is good is that people can't choose the same ones as other people on every episode. So even though he's just kind of done the best dance that anyone could ever give. It's all downhill from here. No one else could do it. And what's good about having Richard Osman on is he really picks holes in the format. Yeah. Yeah. He knows how to, he really ranks over the format and fair play to him. But I think he's confused holes in the format with, you know, his inability to nail his answers. I would actually say that the so-called holes in the format are actually just wonderful avenues for discussion. Yeah. And also he said the side wasn't a good idea and then pick mac and cheese,

which is the best side choice we've had. Yeah, especially with Christmas dinner. Yeah. Very, very good. So what a wonderful guest. What a wonderful guest. He didn't say coriander. No. And in fact, he saw what we were pushing for. Yeah, he even knew. You were pretty blatant with that, though, to be honest. Yeah, I was trying to get him to. Yeah. Just wanted to kick him out of the restaurant for fun. Yeah. We've been picking on you so much, you know. We'll be back next week when our guest is Theresa May, the Prime Minister of England. Yeah. But if she cancels, it'll be someone else that we know.

Yeah, friend of ours. Goodbye and bon appetit. Bon appetit. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time.

The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News, we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.