Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 33: Jess Phillips MP

Episode Date: October 2, 2019

Order, order! The podcast gets political as MP Jess Phillips orders her dream meal. Will her menu get the genie's vote?Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Jess Phillips MP's new book, 'Truth to Power: 7 Ways to Call Time on B.S.', is out this week. Buy it here. Follow Jess on Twitter: @JessPhillips.Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Ding dong. Oh, the takeaway is here. What's it going to be? It's the Off Menu podcast. Ah, very nice. Hello, Ed. Hello, mate. How are you doing? I'm feeling political. Are you feeling political, are you, JJ Casler? I'm in a political vibe. You're in a political vibe? Well, luckily, we've got a political guest coming in to suit your mood. A political guest is going to tell us what their favourite ever starter main course is, a side dish and drink, huh?

Absolutely. And our political guest today is MP Jess Phillips. Jess Phillips. MP. I can't believe we've got an actual MP to come on the podcast. We're some sneaky little boys. What a sucker. I mean, is there a room for politics and food? I think so. I mean, that's the question. You should never discuss politics or religion over dinner. That's what people say.

Is it? Yeah. Is it true? There may be no room for politics and food, but politicians got to eat. Politicians got to eat? Politicians got to cry? She might be crying if she says the secret ingredient and has to be removed from the restaurant. Absolutely, actually, Ed. And guess what the secret ingredient is this week?

Is it whole coffee beans? It's whole coffee beans. Also, help me, God. I can't believe that people do that. Why is it even a thing? You know, like, sometimes they cover them in chocolate. So you're like, I'll pop this little chocolate fun thing in my mouth. And then you're like, oh, it's the crunchiest thing in the world. Awful. I mean, I don't eat them.

I gave up caffeine in 2013. Don't tell this goddamn anecdote again. OK. We're going to listen to the off menu of Jess Phillips. And so help me, God, if you tell that anecdote about you having diet, coconut, taste of the night, normal coke ever again, I quit this podcast forever. It tastes like normal coke now, though. It's amazing. This is the off menu of Jess Phillips.

Jess, welcome to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks for having me. It's, uh... Oh, what's happening here? Jess Phillips. Hello. It's not the best restaurant I've ever been in, I don't think. Ah, that depends what you thought that sound was. What did you think was happening with that sound?

Uh, car crash. It was not a car crash. This podcast is often a car crash. But that noise was the noise of the genie waiter arriving at the Dream Restaurant. There's a genie coming out of a lamp, Jess. You weren't looking at the time, so you didn't know. You were looking at Ed. But that's what happened.

You missed all the effects. We've got a huge budget and we put quite a lot of smoke budget in. You missed all of it now. I missed it all. It's all dissipated. I mean, I'm both disappointed that I missed it and that I thought that a genie coming out of a lamp would be more sort of notable. Everyone's pretty notable.

Ah, everyone else is talking about it. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool when I come out of a lamp. So James is a genie waiter, which means he can get you whatever food. Whatever food you like. So, you know, maybe you want to change the tune on how good the restaurant is. You're going to flub in my food. I won't flub in your food, I swear. Unless that's what you want.

If that's what you want, if that's your dream meal. OK. If you just want a little, a big old plate of flub, then I can get you that. Well, I've never had that, so I can't say whether that's nice or not, so. Yeah, you don't know. It depends who's flub. If you had to eat anyone's, if it was like a bowl of flub, and that's all you got. Who's flub?

Would you want it to be? It's one person and it's just got to be a bowl full of, it's like a serious bowl full of their flub. And it's one person. Who is it? Anyone in the world, living or dead? OK, well, I mean, I've eaten a lot of my children's flub over the years because you eat the food right out of their mouth all the time.

Like a bird. Like a bird. Yeah, well, not your children then. Yeah, but so I go for my children. Nah, let's roll the children out. I can't eat my children's flub. Is that what you're saying? No, no, no, not in this scenario.

James, this is the most taxman you've ever been. Oh, but I really, I really want it to be. Oh, you want it to be like a world leader or something, like Anglo-Mexican. I just really want to dry hers. Anyone in, alright, anyone in government? No, definitely not. No, that's the rules. It has to be someone in government.

It has to be someone who is currently in... In the current government. Now you've got to eat a bowl of their flop. Let me think. Oh, there's just so many people. I wouldn't want to even come anywhere near me. So... It's the best question I've ever asked.

It is pretty good. This is a great question. The person in government. I'm going to go for somebody who I feel is like a very dry mouse. Because then I... Then it's at the ages to fill the bowl. It'd take the ages and I could probably get out of it. So Theresa, mate, she looks dry maised quite a lot, doesn't she?

Yeah, sure, that's the point. She does look dry maised. Maybe she's been moistened in that mouth with her fucking tears lately. James, so political. See? But Eato, you've been holding this back. I've been hiding this light under a bush. We can talk about legislation at length, if you'd like.

I don't understand that. I only really understand flop. James knows flop and food. That's what it's all about. So would you consider yourself a foodie? Very much, yeah. Yes. Totally a foodie.

That's why it's really hard. A lot of people bulk at that term. A lot of people are not on board with calling themselves a foodie, but I'm glad you are. It's the only thing I actually do other than go to work is like eat food. I don't know how people socialise unless they're like eating food together. I completely agree. It's all I think about all day.

Me too, all the time. As I'm eating breakfast, I'm thinking about lunch. All the time, every single second. I constantly think about what I'm going to eat. Even during PMQs and stuff? Definitely during PMQs. And that's just before lunchtime. Yeah, of course.

That explains it. Everyone's thinking about food and that's why they're so angry. Do you know that noise where you think it's all the... When all the Tories are like... That's actually their stomachs are unblik, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it is. Like cow noise.

You're so weird. I don't know how you learn it. It's like... I don't know what it is. Yeah, as someone who went to a posh public school, you learned that first day. Oh, do you? You learned the cow noise.

Do you know it? No, I didn't go to posh public school. But thank you. Me neither. Me neither. Yeah, no, I don't know what it is. I've tried to learn it over the years, tried to tune in, but I just can't get it.

They are saying stuff, but you need to rewind it. Oh, really? Yeah, they're saying stuff back. Sometimes people are so posh, they are genuinely audible to me. Yeah. Am I doing all right? You know you're...

I'm fine, okay, good. I can just say, but I'm like the standards of what I'm used to. You're basically a commoner. I've had to tune it down because I'm in the world of comedy. If I'd entered politics, I'd be absolutely awful. I can only imagine what Ed would be like if it was a politician.

We'd all be in big trouble. I wouldn't like it. Flop for everyone. That's what would be happening. To be fair, I think Philip was you that was most into the flop. Yeah. Yeah, you were really pushing the flop agenda, James.

What? The flop agenda. I think if we rewind that, that's not true. Well, Jess, of course, you've come to the dream restaurant, not just for your dream meal, but to tell us about your new book as well. Yes, I have. You have indeed.

What? You got a book out of something? Truth to power. Yeah. That's what it's called. It is indeed. And it's got a rude subtitle as well. Well, not that rude, really. It could have been much worse

because this is where I work. It could have been really like... I mean, I'm not going to say it, but... Yeah, it could have been really like, let's fuck this shit up. Because, you know, I think the whole world is a bit mad at the moment and depressed and doesn't know what to do.

People constantly come up to me and say things like, I just want to do something to make the world better, but I don't know what to do. So, hopefully, in the book, I'm telling them what they could possibly do to stop all the bullshit that is going on at the moment. What could they do to stop all the bullshit that would involve food?

Glad you said food there. You thought you were back to food. Really thought you were going to say flop. Oh, look, I'm not going to lie. It was 50-50 toss-up in my head. You hadn't even decided by F. No, I was like, here we go. Let's see what the lips do.

I said food. I mean, it's comedy, isn't it? So, you know, I could sit here and talk for ages about, like, food poverty and food banks and all of that. Leave the comedy to us. We'll take that and we'll make it funny. Well, there's all sorts of things that you can do about food to try and make the world a better place

because there's loads of people who aren't fed for a good reason. Yeah, make sure everyone gets some food. Yeah, 36% of children in my constituency live in poverty. So there's a huge amount that people can be doing to organise to make sure that things are more fairly distributed. For sure. We'll put a joke in in post. Still a spark in water, Jess.

Sparkling every single time. Every single time. Why? It's just better in it. It tastes that sort of, like, weird metallic tinny that you can't quite put your finger on. And you like that? I like that.

You like a metallic tinny taste? Yeah, I like a metallic tinny taste. Really like the taste of blood, for example. That's like metallic. Do you? Now, I... We've got a vampire in the restaurant. I eat a lot of blood, Jess,

because I'm type 1 diabetic, so I have to print my finger to test my blood quite a lot. I was going to say, I didn't realise that you had to drink blood if you were a type 1 diabetic. I have to drink the blood of non-diabetics to just maintain it. So, quite often, I don't have a tissue or anything to wipe my finger on, so straight in the mouth.

So, I kind of agree with you on the blood, but I've never thought... Do you like the taste of it? I don't mind it. You get used to it. I like it. I don't dislike it. I like it. You actively like the taste of blood.

She likes it. What do you like about it? I just like the metallic-y taste of it. Because it tastes like sparkly water? That's what you like about it. Actually, to be fair, they don't taste anything I like, but they both have a metallic quality that I enjoy. I definitely didn't think we were going to end up on blood

from the water chat. If you had to eat a bowl of blood from anyone in the government... If it was made into black pudding, I'd go for literally any of them. I'm sure you could spice it up nicely. That's a good point. How comparable a pig in human blood could you make human black pudding? I mean, lots of the sort of... When we pioneered the stuff about heart transplants

and stuff was based on pigs and the pig anatomy and the human anatomy. So, one can only assume that the black pudding of humans would taste not dissimilar to the black pudding of pigs. Do you have a pig heart, boy? I beg your pardon. I have a vague recollection of this. TV show? TV show of a boy who had a pig's heart?

No. Was it a documentary on... No, it was a drama, like a kid's drama on like... Really? I have a vague recollection of it. Yeah, yeah. CITV or CBBC, I can't remember now. I just remember he had a pig's heart and he didn't really agree with him. I think the science does suggest that actually,

like, a pig's heart in a human isn't necessarily a cracking idea. No, it's on a bigger as well, pig's heart. I don't know about that. How big is a pig's heart? My heart's really big. Yeah? Big old heart. Is it as big as a pig's heart, though?

I don't think that pigs have much bigger hearts than... I literally have no idea about pig's heart. I think I'm thinking of a cow heart. Cows are much bigger, though, aren't they? That's true. As size-wise, that would fit, yeah. Pigs are not much bigger than humans, like upright. Yeah.

But then is that how it works with the heart? Does the heart grow with the... Because some animals are real big, have a tiny little brain. Yes, but a heart is a pump to pump the blood around your body. So chances are, big body, big heart. Yeah, you couldn't have a big... If a blue whale had a human-size heart, then it would die. Is that correct?

I don't know why you looked at me like I'm Brian Cox or something. David Attenborough was in Parliament yesterday. If only we'd brought him here along with us. He could have definitely answered these questions. He's doing the rounds at Attenborough, Glastonbury and Parliament. Indeed. Do you walk in anywhere? Literally anywhere, I think.

I don't know whether my dad just said this because he really loves David Attenborough and likes to make up facts about people that he likes. But he said that he was the most trusted man in the survey and that anybody would trust anything that was said to them. Yeah. So we should get him peddling fake news or something to see if... I bet Attenborough could just walk into a JD Sports and go in the back. Definitely he could walk into a JD Sports and go in the back.

Yeah. I think there'd be a certain amount of confusion that would sort of rain for a while. Sure. He could be out the back door with bags full of stuff. Sure. Was that David Attenborough just walking into the stock? He definitely could. He could walk in anywhere.

I mean, just not an example. You can give me where I don't think that he could get in. I think Top State Secrets, GCHQ. He could walk in there tomorrow and just start listening into people's conversations. He could commentate on them whilst he was listening to them and people still wouldn't mind. Yeah. How much...

Who's peddling the fake news at the minute if it's not Attenborough? Who would get fired if Attenborough came in? There's loads of people doing fake news. I mean, stick your finger in the air. There's bloody loads. I mean, just look at Facebook for an afternoon. Fake news. Applenty.

Awful. I don't think Facebook. I'm not on it anymore, Jess. I'm pretty cool. Do you think I'm cool now? I do think you're cool. I mainly think my husband is the coolest man I know because he's never been on Facebook. Wow.

He's never been on Facebook. Literally never even looked on Facebook. Wow. Is he 100 years old? No. Are you married to a 100-year-old man? No, he's 40. Oh, good on him.

Yeah. He's never been on Facebook, not on Twitter. He was on Twitter for one afternoon and then he felt like he was having a nervous breakdown, so he came off. It's a shame that he went on Twitter for that afternoon, so he can't now say that I've never been on Twitter. I know. He loves Bebo, though, right?

He's always on Bebo. Yeah, my space was massive. Still worked on that. Pop it up as well, Brett, Jess. Pop it up as well, Brett. Pop it up as well, Brett. Pop it up every time. Yeah.

Every time. So far, both your options have been every time. Yeah, you have to be quite certain about your decisions when you're a politician. Sure, you can. No need for fanning around, worrying about the in-between. And in a few months, when something comes out about pop-a-doms, you'll say, I said bread at the time? Yeah.

Yeah, I will. I'll distance myself from pop-a-doms. I'll try to be honest and say we all make mistakes, but actually, of course, bread is always the answer. Yeah. Bread every time. Yeah. Well, I've done that ridiculous thing where you don't eat carbs a lot.

I recognise that pop-a-doms are carbs, but they seem less like an infringement of the not-eating carbs. They're less carb-y. They're less carb-y. They're light. They feel like a lightest thing. Depending on what you put on them, of course, are you having them with chutney?

Always. Chickney, lime pickle, mango pickle. Altogether or one at a time? Altogether. You can possibly manage it, but it slides away, doesn't it? It slips away from you. There's a mint yogurt. You can put mint yogurt on there as well.

Mint yogurt, yeah. You can't have pop-a-doms with that mint yogurt. I mean, that is an abomination. It would be an abomination. I'm from Birmingham. We eat a lot of pop-a-doms and chutney. So, say I'm going to Birmingham. Yeah.

What's the best Indian restaurant in Birmingham? It depends if you mean actually an Indian restaurant or like a curry house. A curry house? Okay. There's a distinct difference. Most of the curry houses are not run by Indian people. It's an amazing Indian restaurant in Birmingham,

which is a vegetarian restaurant called the JOTY. It had a real massive obsession with Jamie Oliver for a while because he once went there when he was at the food show at the NEC. And so it was like the walls were plastered with pictures of Jamie Oliver and the man who owns it. Amazing. It was like, it was like Jamie Oliverville for a long time. But it does absolutely amazing vegetarian and fat vegan,

mainly Indian food, proper Indian food, Tali's and dosas and things. But curry house, I would say the spice merchant or the Sillit spice, both near where I live, are brilliant Kashmiri and Bangladeshi curry houses. Again, some quite good obsessions with the people who have been in there. So Shilpa Shetty's on the wall in one. And I believe my friend went for a curry last night, in fact,

and was told that Jasper Carrot's going in tomorrow. Have you made the wall yet? I have not made the wall. Although Abid, who runs it, who literally looks like he's a Bollywood sensation, he's like really like hot. But he's like, he's like Devonair and old, like he'd be the good looking old father in a Bollywood movie.

He's amazing, I love Abid. I've known him since I was a child, and now he can't believe that I am a person who people know. But I've yet to make it onto the wall with Shilpa Shetty. I feel like I'm more relevant than Shilpa Shetty. Yeah, I think so. Sure. Maybe you've got to take the photo in yourself.

Yeah, maybe. Just leave that there. But in Sillit spice, one time, Neve Campbell from Scream went in there. She's on the wall, surely? They didn't have the foresight to take a really good photo, so it was just like a sort of like... She was on the wall.

I think they've had a redo now and maybe Neve's not up there. That's a shame, that's a crime. But Sillit spice and the spice merchant are the restaurants that curry houses for a proper like, you know, long madras or... You know, your classic British-expected curry house that I would get at those two. And just quickly, is Birmingham the best curry in Britain?

Yep. I mean, Bradford and Leicester will say differently, I'll wager, but I tell you where is shit for a curry and that is London. Absolutely shit. Shit for a curry, shit for all food in the curry market. You can't go to the corner shop and just buy like, you know, Nigella seeds to make a curry.

You can't, you know, you pay... You people are paying a ridiculous amount of money for curry under. I don't know if you know this. No. Like, you don't have to pay that much money and ginger and stuff. Yeah.

It is shit round here for that. Yeah. How much would you pay for some curry under? I would pay, I mean, ten pence for a big bunch of curry under. The Indian shop right next to where my and my husband first lived when we were first together, he would go in every day, he was making a curry, to just buy a chilli and he'd just buy one chilli

and it wouldn't register on the scale. So, every day, the woman in the shop was like, you and your free chillies. That would give him a free chilli. I mean, things are cheap on the Laddipul Road in Birmingham. Get yourself down there. Yeah. I hadn't really thought about it before,

but there are like, there's Indian restaurants that I like to go to in London, but they're quite like... We go to like, we go to some... We don't go to the curry... We don't go to the posh old Indian restaurants. Yeah. But in terms of actual proper goods, just like curry houses,

you can't really think of many... You do get it more out on... Yeah, my mate Alex, she lives here now and she was coming back last week and there's like a new sort of trendy hipster pizza place that's open to nearest, which is really good and we were like, oh, let's go there for a dinner. And she said, look, in London,

you know, I can swing a cat and hit 20 hipster pizza places, but I can't get a curry, can we please go for a curry? Yeah. So that, I think, proves London is shit because... Nothing around Westminster. Is the cinnamon club still in Westminster? Yes, it is.

So that's very posh of you to know that. Yeah, it's very posh of you to know. No idea what you're talking about. And they ring the bell in the cinnamon club and then all the MPs get up and leave. Yeah, the division bell. See, it's within eight minutes walk of the division bell. It's quite exciting.

What are you talking about? The division bell means everyone's got to go back to work. To vote. To vote, yeah. Division, we divide the house. Oh, no. So it's voting. Just a fancy word for voting.

You've got to go for the vote. It's more that, you know, all posh people leave and divide themselves from the commoners. Sometimes it feels a bit like that when we divide, to be fair. Yes, the cinnamon club is still a thing. That's very nice. But it's not like a curry house. I mean, that's not a curry house, is it?

You can't go in and get a karma for the kids and you can have a vindaloo. It's not like that. You have to go and get like a tandoori pigeon breast or something. I literally think I have eaten a tandoori pigeon breast. Yeah, that is on the menu, yeah. With like puffed rice. Yeah, puffed rice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep it light, puffed rice. Yeah, it's still a thing, very much. When she was a teenager, my sister went to Camp America to work there and she came back and told us about the flavours of Ben and Jerry. She'd had the... Because that's what A-casters talk about together. And they've been away.

And she said she'd had a flavour called cinnamon bundo that was delicious. And my dad said cinnamon bundo sounded like my name. Like, I would be called cinnamon bundo. And then for about a year, that's what my brothers used to call me. It sounded like your name? Yeah, like my first name was cinnamon and my second name was bundos, but like B-U-N-D-O. And then my name was cinnamon bundo.

A conversation with James is very much like pinball in there. It will just rock it off in another direction based on one word. My brothers used to say things like that. They'd be like, oh, you never guess what we've got the corner shot by our shot. And essentially, I have now come to the conclusion that they were entirely lies. Have you actually verified cinnamon bundo? I think there is definitely a cinnamon, like cinnamon buns ice cream. You can get that here now.

But I don't think it's called cinnamon bundo. I think it's called cinnamon bunds or something like that. But I think what she remembered about it was that and my dad straight in there with the burn. And everyone called you cinnamon bundo? Everyone was like, hey cinnamon, how's it going? Hey bundo? You know that's the worst thing to tell me, because I will now call you cinnamon bundo for the rest of your life.

Yeah, you probably will do that. What am I in your phone at the minute? Fennel MacMeatball. Fennel MacMeatball? Yeah, for various reasons, mainly because he hates fennel. So I started calling him fennel. How could you hate fennel? Because it tastes like hell.

Do you hate fennel? No, some clarity. Do you hate fresh fennel or do you hate dried fennel seeds? Let's list everything that fennel could possibly be and I hate all of that, Jess. Okay, you hate fennel seeds. I bet you hate fennel seeds without knowing it. Yeah, they're in almost all curries, mate.

I've had it knowing it and it's disgusting. I hate it. It's like the base of lots and lots of curry. Well, they disguise it in that. I've had fennel seeds and other stuff and been like, that's disgusting. If I hate sweet corn, I hate it. I absolutely hate it. But in a samosa, I can tolerate it. So maybe you can tolerate fennel. Yeah, maybe the samosas.

In a curry. Yeah, but I hate fennel. That's what I call him fennel. Fennel is actually a name, though, cinnamon. Well, there probably is somebody called cinnamon. There might be someone called cinnamon. Paul Sinner from The Chase. Yeah, the Sinner Man, there you go.

The Sinner Man, in a way. Of course, of course. Here's the Sinner Man. How could we forget him from The Chase? Why do people on The Chase sometimes go for negative numbers? Like, why does anybody do that on The Chase? It really riles me. Here's something about me.

I think I've seen at least 10 episodes of The Chase. I don't think I understand it still. That's why I can't get over why anyone would choose to go away with less, just to have a go. I don't understand. Maybe we're not getting something. I don't understand a lot of it, though. I've seen the clips with Bradley Laugh,

like the word fanny and stuff. Should we get on to your starter? Yeah, sorry. Now, this is where I guess it gets difficult for you. It is really hard. Yeah. Was there a lot of contenders for starter? Yeah.

There was a lot of starters at the best, aren't they? Really, I'd like to have a meal of all starters. Completely agree with you. Yeah, completely agree with you. That's called tapas, Jess, isn't it? Go ahead and do that. But, like, does that's the best course? No, does that's the worst course?

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay. So, as a starter, I'm going to pick that I would want, like, crab. Crab, some sort of like fancy crab starter that you get in a restaurant, like maybe with avocado as well. A fancy crab starter. Now, there is a restaurant in London called Fancy Crab.

Is there? There is. I've been there. I'd be surprised to hear a lot of crab on the menu. Uh-huh. But then, they sort of panicked about a month after they opened and took a lot of the crab off the menu and put some other stuff on. So, it's just sort of a regular menu now.

That's terrible. Yeah. There's still crab on there, but it was very crab focused initially. And I took my girlfriend, she loves crab so much. I love crab as well. She's a big fan of crab. It's the chicken of the sea. The chicken of the sea, of course.

We've had this debate before. Have we? About what the chicken of the sea is. Some people call tuna the chicken of the sea. Oh, yeah, that was it. So, I think... No, chicken's the beef of the sea. No, sorry.

No. Tuna is the beef of the sea. Tuna's the beef of the sea is what I meant to say. Because it's like a steak. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's closer to what it is. I'm happy to call crab the chicken of the sea.

Would you ever call chicken crab of the land? Yeah. It's my favorite prodigy album. Imagine a chicken walking sideways. That'd be funny. Yeah, it would be funny. And deniably. Snapping its little hands.

Yes, those little feathers around. Yeah. That would be funny, right? How are we cooking the crab, Jess? Well, I've just like, you know, you get the... I don't... I've never made this. My friend Amy once made it for me because she's quite 70s and always makes like 70s dinner.

Like, you get like a little tower of crab nicely dressed with avocado. So, it's been like... It's been steamed or something. Yeah, I don't know. And the reason that I... Actually, the reason I pick anything in a restaurant is I would never pick anything in a restaurant that I would ever make at home. Ever.

Chicken in a restaurant is like an insult. Anyone who eats chicken in a restaurant... You've got no imagination. What about fried chicken? That is a different category. What do you get in Nando's? I get chicken livers in Nando's because I would never cook chicken liver at home. They're good.

The chicken livers in Nando's are good. Yeah. But I've not had them in ages. They're good. That's all I ever have in Nando's. Chicken livers? I didn't even know that was on the menu. Yeah.

Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's really nice. Comes with a little roll. Yeah. That's right. Mop up all the juices. Yeah, because I would never cook that at home. Fried chicken.

I do prefer fried chicken made at home, but I would eat fried chicken in a restaurant. Yeah. But I would never cook a crab at home because that is a lot of faff in it. There's a lot of faff. And I don't want to be faffing. You don't want to be getting a live crab either, right? I mean... No, not really.

Would you do that at home? Get a live crab at home. Get a live crab at home. No, I wouldn't get a live crab at home. I have been on the beach as a child and caught crabs. Yeah. Not for a long time. Then you pop them back, right?

I think so. It's hard for me to remember. Why are they not still in your bag? Imagine that. You've got loads of friends. I just... Here is a crab from 1987. Still with you.

You've taught it to talk by now, I'd imagine. Yes, obviously. So, in a little, like, tower with some avocado. Yeah, like with avocado and stuff. I just really like that. And whenever I'm in a restaurant and there is crab on a starter menu, I will always pick whether it's crab cakes or, like, crabbing it out with avocado. I will always pick something that has crab in it, always.

Apart from a crab risotto, I draw the line there because I feel that the risotto overpowers the crab. So, I think you want quite a light starter, then, I guess. Yeah. Quite a sort of light, fresh starter. Yeah, well, yeah. You don't want to remember anything. I think, like, they're my favourite salads and ones that have loads of crab in it.

Yeah. That's really nice. That's probably only in the last year I've really got into that. To that, yeah. Because, like, for a while, with salads, I was like... I like the chicken and bacon salads and the ones that are basically just cheats and they're not really salads, are they? No.

But now I like it when there's, like, loads of crab in there. I only looked at our producer, the great Benito, there, because that's the exact sort of story that he will, after the recording, say, James, that was really boring. We're going to have to cut that out. Now, I really enjoyed that story because I totally agree that, like, eating a salad with just loads of deep-fried bacon in it, I have done that recently to make myself feel like I was eating a salad. Yeah.

It's not okay. It's a lie. It's a lie. Oh, my mum is having a salad. It's not... You're having loads of bacon and loads of chicken covered in cheese. And mayonnaise. And mayonnaise.

My mum used to do a salad that was, like, had fried bacon, pine nuts, rock-four, grapes, and then just some leaves scattered around. To be honest, that sounds delicious. It's amazing. It's like the middle of a delicious sandwich. But it's not. Don't call it a salad. No.

Not at all. Probably shouldn't give that up now. That is nice though. I mean, I think that we play fast and loose with the term salad quite a lot, really. Because, like, anything seems to be called a Russian salad. It's just mayonnaise and sausages, as best I can tell. It's maybe some apple and walnuts in there. It's unidentifiable what is in it.

It's delicious, but it's unidentifiable. But it does just seem like sausages. Frankfurt is mayonnaise. I'm not sure we can call that a salad. I think, like, a chopped salad or a cob salad in America before. And it came in a huge plate. It's just like a line of... massive line of boiled egg, bacon, blue cheese, and maybe lights with some chopped tomato.

And then a very thin bed of lettuce. And then drizzled in, like, mayonnaise, basically. Yeah, that is not a salad. It's not at all. If the amount that was in there, if they put that in a sandwich, I'd be like, this is three sandwiches worth of stuff. I hate it all. If it tastes nice, it's not a salad.

That's the rule. As soon as I have a bite of it, if that tastes good, I'm like, oh, what's the point of this? I'm not supposed to happen this to be good. Okay, well, I'll put that rule down on to the legislative framework. Yeah, let him know. No. That passes into law for you.

No. It comes to your main course. Yeah. So that's a nice light starter. Yeah. The crab and the avocado there. Because you're leaving room for something. Sounds like you're leaving room for something.

I mean, I wasn't, but potentially, yeah. So as a main, I would have... I did want to pick, like, another fish thing. I can't have two fish. I would never have two fish in a restaurant. Was it not? I would never make such a mistake. You'd never double fish it.

I do eat quite a lot of fish in the restaurant, because the rule is, don't eat what you cook at home. Because, and I never cook fish at home. Yeah. But I did want, like, another fish thing that my husband actually cooks at home. Because actually, in reality, I don't cook at home at all. For stuff.

Okay. That's quite a nice rule to have in restaurants, actually, isn't it? Eat whatever you want at a restaurant. I have anything you make at home. Because he literally just toasted a restaurant because I don't even make that. I have a law where the cinema is just, like, don't watch any films that you would make yourself at home.

That's what I always say. I was really torn because my absolute favorite treat thing to dinner, to eat. Once I'd given up on fish because I wanted to have crab as a starter. I really love it when you have a fried breakfast for dinner. It, like, feels like the greatest treat in the world to have a fried breakfast for dinner. Have you actually done it for dinner?

Yeah, we do it all the time. We're like, we call it breakfast for dinner, and the kids get, like, really excited. And we're like, we're just going to have bacon and eggs and sausages. We don't have a full English for dinner. And it feels... Oh, that's called a Birmingham salad. Very salad.

It's with fennel and coriander on the top. I've never met anyone who does this before. You've never met a person who has breakfast for dinner? Breakfast for dinner as a fry up. I don't think my mouth could cope with it. I think I'd start eating it, and my brain would be like... Like the cognitive dissonance you get,

when you have something that isn't fizzy out of a can. Yes. Like that water being in cans. Yeah. It's like so horrendous. Yeah. It feels weird. Yeah, I know it's saving the planet and stuff,

but sometimes I think... I don't like polar bears that much. It's a good job I didn't bring David Attenborough with me. Yeah, I'll tell Attenborough about it. What, you want me drinking flat drinks out of a can? Is that what you want? Also, Ed, I don't think that... I think you were with me on the fry up.

I think you've never even thought about that. And you were acting because Jess's political persuasion. No, I like the idea of it, though. She made you convince you that it's a normal thing, and you were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But everyone's sitting there. Everyone's sitting there like that was a normal thing that Jess just said. James, bravo to you because you're speaking truth to power.

Good power! You're calling Jess on her BS. Yes. I am calling you on your BS. I can't believe people don't have... My BS, I mean breakfast supper. I can't believe you'd ever have breakfast for dinner. You'll have a bowl of cereal at night.

I do like a bowl of cereal at night. You do. Yes, I do. But you wouldn't have it for yourself. I'm calling truth to power at night. I wouldn't have it. Don't call truth to power at night. You wouldn't have it for yourself.

You wouldn't have cereal for yourself. No, I wouldn't be like this is my main dinner. No, no. I maybe have it like a little snack before bed. But I've never met anyone before who has breakfast... fried breakfast for dinner in the evening. I'm not saying it's a bad idea. I'm saying it's inspired.

It sounds amazing. But you are pretending like it's something that everyone does. I know others who do it. I've met them. Name them. Full names. Amy Terry, Ney Furman, my friend who lives on the next street. I sometimes go to hers for breakfast for dinner.

She does everything 70s though. So, you know, it's a limited repertoire where a fry up fits in well. That and chicken Kiev. Name someone that does breakfast for dinner who doesn't do it because you have directly influenced them. Well, I don't know because I only know the people that I've directly influenced. Oh, okay.

That's everybody in your life. You're in control of that. I mean, I can't believe you've never had... like, egg and chips. People have that for them. Egg and chips is literally the greatest meal. If I had a death row meal, actually, I would have egg and chips. Is that what your main is?

Well, well... Why don't we fry breakfast? We're going breakfast for dinner. But egg and chips is essentially just breakfast for dinner, like a fry up for dinner. Chips is not... No. Chips is not breakfast.

I mean, this is a debate that me and my husband have been having since the 14 years that we have been together because he always has chips on a fried breakfast. Mad. Only in the calf. Who is this guy? No, yeah. It's not at home, but in the calf.

No wonder he's not on social media. He thinks he's going to be fucking nuts. It's a load of... I don't know what time of day it is with this guy. I mean, Tommy tweets his pictures of his food. He has breakfast for dinner, but he has chips with his breakfast. Yeah. Yeah.

He has two sausages, two eggs, and chips, two bread and butter and a mug of tea. That's what he has in the calf. Wow. What? And he goes to the calf a lot. Also, he's very, very sweet. How quickly you rattled that off as well.

That was quite romantic. I liked that. Completely know it off by heart. It's nice. So, I think we need to hear what's on your fry up because this... Yes. We've not actually tackled this before. I'm very excited that it's a fry up.

I'm very glad we've got a fry up on the podcast. Yeah, because we've not tackled the... Because that is... We could do a whole new podcast on what should be on a fried breakfast. When you put this out, I swear to God, you're going to get loads of people saying, we have breakfast for dinner as a treat. Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah. You'll see. Yeah, sure. Now, there's all their surnames to be Phillips. Oh, look like you. Take us through what's on it. Okay. So, I am very, very strict that you cannot have beans on a fried breakfast.

Yes. Yes. What the... It's happening right now. Yes. I'm like, waking up in another universe. Beans. They get into literally everything.

Yes. The only source necessary on a fried breakfast is that that comes from the yolk of an egg. Right. What about if you put them in a little ramekin, the beans? I will accept that other people can do that. I don't wish to create an even more divided society. You went proper MP, then it was brilliant.

Yeah, I won't shun you. I won't... I won't feel any judgement towards you. I won't feel any judgement towards you. I won't feel any judgement towards you. I won't feel any judgement towards you. I just would never do that. I don't...

Beans only should exist on toast. Very, very hot, mate. Very, very hot. I can't bear a lukewarm bean. I don't like beans full of stuff. I don't... I wouldn't ever pick to eat them, but sometimes my husband makes like really buttery beans.

For dessert. With a bit of chilli sourcing and toast, and it just tastes like the comfort of childhood. But as a rule, I wouldn't have beans, so no beans. You'd have at least two sausage, two bacon, two fried egg. I mean, we wouldn't necessarily all have all of this when we were having breakfast for dinner, because often breakfast for dinner is born out of necessity

of what is in the fridge, or what you can buy from the corner shop. And you can buy breakfast materials from the corner shop. And free chillies. And free chillies. Well, we've moved from there. That's really great to corner shops gone now. We've got a bit posher.

As you get posher, corner shops get shitter. That is a fact. That's definitely true. So two sausage, two egg, two bacon, maybe three bacon, if it's streaky three. Yeah, definitely. Just want a nest of bacon, really. I would have black pudding.

I personally, I don't mind a fresh tomato, but prefer a tinned. That's what can get off my breakfast. Yeah, I'm not having that either. You're not having a tinned tomato? I would. I would. I would hoof that across the room like a hockey puck. I did not want a tomato.

I've never seen a tomato that actually looked like a tomato that comes out of a tin. They seem like... Something happens to them in the tin, doesn't it? It's like they've been incarcerated and they've changed. Yeah. But their flavours changed as well. Everything about them has changed.

Anyway, so I'd have that. And I would have either, I'd have some sort of potato products, so maybe fried potato, hash brown, or like my husband makes amazing like homemade hash browns, which are more like sort of like potato rusty sort of thing. And he makes them with chorizo in. Do you know what I want to do?

That would be nice. All three of us rank all the items on a fried breakfast worst to best. Okay, worst to best. Which one do you leave for last? Because you want to save it. Well, let's go. I'm putting personally tomato bottom of the stick.

Okay, fine. Absolute bottom. I know yours is beans. Yeah, beans. I'm putting tomato bottom, like grilled tomato. Because no one ever grills them for long enough. I stayed in the hotel in Nottingham recently and I swear to God they just put out raw tomatoes.

They hadn't even said hello to a grill. Just raw tomatoes. So they're bottom for me. Yeah, they're often done badly or quite right. It's hard to get right. Yeah. But your bottom is the beans. My bottom is beans.

And then I'd put tomato. If I had to remove something, I'd remove tomato. So I think I'd put beans second from bottom, even though I like them. Okay. I'm with you, buddy. Can I just say this is the sort of consensus building that the nation needs.

Yeah. Yeah. We're all doing this very peacefully. Yeah, very peacefully. Then I'd go black pudding, personally. The piece is about to be disturbed. Again, I don't hate you for that, but I would not take off black pudding.

Black pudding is the thing I save till last, because it's mine. Black pudding is near the top for me. Yeah. Yeah. I was about to point out that everything from beans onwards, I like. Okay.

I'm just having a, I'm having a worse semester. I had a party at my flat once and, you know, everyone brings like a bottle of something to a party or, you know, they might bring maybe a dip that they've made or something. Our friend, Joe Williams, just brought us a bag of Storn Away black pudding. I brought this to the party.

You don't have to eat it now. I would be too. Yeah. I was so happy. We ate it the next morning. Yeah, exactly. It was incredible. Yeah.

I cannot emphasize enough, Jess, how much you would get on with Joe Williams. You would really get on with Joe Williams. My letter will tell Joe to call. Yeah, I will. My email is widely available on the internet. Yeah. So my third from bottom's black pudding.

Okay. Well, I think I would have to put third from bottom sausage. Oh. Now, you might be able to hear a truck in the background. That's come to pick me up after I tell you what my third worst is. It's the hash brown.

No. Oh, got a prison. I just don't need any more. I'm having toast with it. So I don't need any more carbs on that plate. I do not have toast as my breakfast. And let me tell you, as I'm making current rules, you definitely never have toast on breakfast for dinner.

Right. Okay. You're allowed to make those rules. Yeah. Breakfast for dinner toast is very exclusively for the morning. What are you mopping up the egg with? The hash brown and the bacon. No.

There's not enough soakable qualities with the hash brown and the bacon. You need a spongy material to mop up the egg. There's not enough egg yolk to need loads of mopping once you've dipped everything in it. I think you're not... Once everyone's had a go. Yeah.

Well, that's where we're at. Hash browns is my third from bottom. Okay. Egg next. Egg. Yeah. But egg has to be number one. It has to be the thing you can't take away

because anything can be a breakfast. It could be any meal if you didn't have an egg on it. The egg makes it a breakfast, I think. Interesting. That's a fair argument, but I'm still... It's fourth from bottom for me. It's mid-table. Tricky.

Now, it's just all... It's all the eggs. Yeah, it's all the eggs. It's too hard to do. Yeah. I couldn't get rid of egg. Egg and bacon have to remain. Egg and bacon are the solid.

They have to be on every breakfast. They're my top two. I'm going to let you know. I want to go straight to my top. Sausage is top. Sausage is top. Sausage is top. Hash brown is my top one.

How do you like that shit? That's why I started this game because I wanted to tell you that hash brown is my top one. If you've got breakfast or dinner, what is your side, Jess? I can't imagine. Does my side... I mean, obviously, the side would be toast in this instance,

but I've ruled that out. But you can't have that in breakfast or dinner. I've literally ruled that out. You can't go back on your promises at this stage. Does my side have to go with the breakfast? No. Are you totally up to it? The side I would always pick if I was in a restaurant

absolutely always would be some sort of spinach, like spinach. So, like, in an Indian restaurant, you have, like, saag paneer on the side, and in, you know, in, like, a steakhouse, you'd have cream spinach. I always just want spinach. So glad you said saag paneer and not saag aloo.

I love saag paneer so much. Any way of getting more cheese into a meal. Absolutely. Alugobi. If you're going aloo, alugobi. But, yeah, not saag aloo. I agree with you. It's wrong.

It gets clacky. It does. Saag paneer is so good. I love paneer so much. Oh, absolutely. The Indian halloumi. So, do you want saag paneer on your side? I could have saag paneer as my side.

Yes, I thought you would. That's what I want. You know, that is really what I want. I want saag paneer. You can have it. If you want that, you can have that. Saag paneer on my side. To be honest, it sounds outrageous,

but almost certainly we have eaten this as a family. Breakfast for dinner with saag paneer on the side, because, again, necessity. Have you ever had curry for breakfast? Yeah. For shizzles. Of course. Oh, of course.

Curry for breakfast is an in Birmingham. Would you plan it, though? Would you plan it? Well, I wouldn't plan it. But in Birmingham at the moment, there is loads of, like, dosa and curry places that are starting to open to serve breakfast. Great.

Oh, great. My husband keeps saying, we must go to one of these breakfast curries, but we haven't yet, because we don't really live in the same city anymore. We very rarely wake up in the same bed. But we will. We will one day.

There's a lot of good food in Birmingham at the moment. I was there recently, and there's a lot of good new places. I went to an excellent place called Tiger Bites Pig. Oh, it is amazing. So good. You have, like, the weird little yoke thing. There's, like, a fossilised yoke or something.

I don't know what it is. But it looks like a boiled sweet, but it's the yoke of an egg. Tiger Bites Pig is my top place to go in Birmingham. It's right next to the railway station. It is, really near the railway station. Probably the best bow I've ever had there. My husband will be so thrilled when he hears this.

The duck is the least best of the bows in the area. Is it? Well, that's what I had, and it was amazing. So I've got to go and have the other ones. It is amazing, but it is the least good one in there. Wow. And the rice bowls are amazing.

Yeah, I have big rice bowls. I have been evangelical about Tiger Bites Pig at the moment, so he'll be pleased to hear that. It is very good. Also, I know, I'm not going to tell this, because Ben will have a go at me for telling a boring story. Oh, I want to hear it. I walked all the way there from my hotel

and realised I'd left my bank card at the hotel. It's so boring. And I had to walk all the way back and get the bank card and then go back. But I'd already, I basically walked all the way there, made my order, realised I hadn't got my card, walked all the way back to my hotel, then walked back and they got my food ready.

Now, Atimbra would have been given that for free. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, Atimbra would have just got it. Would have just got that for free. Straight there. He really saved that anecdote with a call back at the end there, Jess. Thanks, it's alright. Yeah, thank you, Jess.

It's alright. I appreciate that. Here comes your drink, Jess. Okay. Do you seem pretty calm about this one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what I always want to drink when I'm out. If I, I mean, obviously if I was at home having breakfast

for dinner, I'd probably have a cup of tea, but I would say I would have a margarita as my drink, which is always just a classic margarita. A classic, not a frozen one. I mean, I'll take it frozen. I'm not snobby about it. Sure. I can pretend to be like, you know,

spring break in Tijuana and drink frozen drinks. Yeah. There's a restaurant that we've gone on about a lot on this podcast called Shack for You that do, they have like a slushy machine that's full of frozen yuzu margarita, and that is... Where is it?

It's Old Compton Street. Okay. It's incredible. I drank that last night, Ed. Did you? Were you there last night? It's there last night, and I had... No, I wasn't...

Sorry. Night before last, I stand corrected. You're going to have to correct the record in a point of order. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would have to do that. I am definitely going to go to this place with the frozen margarita. That sounds amazing.

It's brilliant. I don't know. My girlfriend doesn't drink that much, but every time... Whatever time of day it is, we go to Shack for You, she has to have a frozen margarita. It's so good.

But I love a margarita. And it's the citrus. It is. Heavy lime flavour. I absolutely love it. It cuts through whatever you're eating. It cuts through. It's like rocket fuel as well.

So I just love salt. Yes. Yeah. I just want to lick salt. From the best flavours. All day long. All day long. I mean, I frequently,

when I'm going to get something from the cupboard where you have the salt thing, I frequently just eat salt. There's a Twitter account that tweets quotes from this podcast out of context, and I think that I just want to lick salt all day long.

It's going to go on there. Excellent. I mean, I'm okay with that. You eat salt on its own, sometimes, out the cupboard. Yeah. Just like, you know, the big, crystal-y bits,

like you just pick one up and have it. And they look so pretty. Like snowflakes. Yeah. And then you have a little go. Yeah. Again,

you have a knack for making things sound like everyone doesn't. Yeah. I'm not sure. You're not sure. I'm not sure people that are going around it in salt crystals on their own.

In my family. I think, I mean, you like, so you like the taste of blood. Yeah. And you just eat salt from the cupboard. I'm starting to worry you're like deficient in, like iron and...

I am iron deficient. Are you? Yeah. That's why you like the taste of blood. Oh. Ed, it's a little detective. Detective doctor. Yeah.

When you have iron deficiency when you're pregnant. Right. The thing that you crave, and I did crave this a lot, is it's not blood. It's not anything that's got any iron in it.

Weirdly, the body is sometimes not very clever. It's ice crunching ice. Oh. So my husband at the time, because we didn't, we lived in basically a squat.

And we didn't have a usable freezer. He used to go to the local pub with a bag and asked them to fill it up from their ice machine. Oh, that's so nice. That's such a nice romantic story. Then I would just sit

and crunch on ice. Also, you want to have really cold water, but you specifically want to suck it from a flannel. Really? What? No, I get that anyway.

Is this your dessert, Jess? A flannel? Full of cold water? You understand that? I remember being a kid and being like... Wanting to suck it out of a flannel. Wanting to suck water out of a flannel.

It's a really common, it's a commonly reported thing. What world am I woken up in? Everyone's talking about this and stuff like it's real and normal. Everyone just sucks water off of flannels, do they now? It's a nice sensation.

It is, because it's like... I suppose it's a bit like breastfeeding, maybe. That's what it is. I've never heard this. I've never heard this before. Because you have to like put the effort in, like it's nice.

And it all comes out all nice. But it's a really common thing amongst pregnant women, apparently, that they want to suck things out of a flannel. And so I definitely, I was iron deficient when I was pregnant

and I used to just crunch like bags and bags and bags of ice. I've got a lot of brain freeze. In Victorian times, pregnant women were known as flannel suckers. That's not true. I'm being lied to.

It's David Attenborough. I'm calling B. You're calling B, yes. Also, before we move on, because you bought up ice, it's been bought to my attention on the previous episode with Dara. I said that I do not like ice

in anything. I've since changed my mind since that episode and I now like it in Bloody Mary's. Okay, you turn. So I'd like... Have you turned on it? I'd like that to be included

in the podcast, Please Bonito. So that people don't think my standpoint on ice is incorrect. So you like it in a Bloody Mary? Yes. But not in anything else? You wouldn't have like a cold drink with ice in it?

No. How about a gin and tonic? You can't have a gin and tonic without ice in it. Maybe I would have it in gin and tonic, but like... There he goes. You've been hitting ice

in everything. You turn in all over the place. But like, yeah, there's very few... There's less drinks I'd like it in than there is. I don't understand when people put it in

like pints of drinks. Like that cider thing where people put ice in. That's where... Oh, yeah. Although the other day, this has happened to me in London, another area where London

is terribly deficient. I have now on three separate occasions asked for a lager and lime in a pub in London and been given a pint of lager with a lime in the top of it. With a fresh lime? With like a quarter of a fresh lime.

Yeah. One time in Hackney and the woman, I said, no, I meant lime cordial and she's just like, that's not a thing. And I was like... Oh, wow.

That is a thing, Hackney. That is a thing. Imagine if you told her about breakfast for dinner. The other day. And finally, the best course of the mall, the dessert.

I just don't know what to have. Just go out in their hands. Sorry. I just don't... I find this really, really hard because I don't really like dessert. I really respect you now, though, if you go for another breakfast.

Yeah. Porridge. Bola porridge. Yeah, Bola porridge. That would be amazing with... Or just like bacon and maple syrup with pancakes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would always have cheese for breakfast. Yes! Oh, God! Yes!

Fuck! You, Jess! Fuck you! Oh, it's finally happened. The first person... Someone's finally done it. And I'm so on board with it. No!

Oh, God! Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ? That came out of nowhere. There were so many warning signs along the way. Breakfast for dinner, sucking a flannel, so much stuff

that should have tipped me off that cheese was coming around the bed, and I didn't see it coming. I'm annoyed in myself that I didn't see this coming. Oh, God! Is that your official choice?

Yes! Oh, what a cry! Right, take us through the cheeses you'd like on your cheese board, please, Jess. Right. Has no one ever said that before?

No, I'm sorry. James has turned his microphone around. I can't speak into it. I mean, you've got to have like a blue, a hard cheese, soft cheese.

I'd say a sheep's cheese and a goat. Lovely. It's what I'd go for, and I would always, you know, I'd really like those crackers that have like

sort of cherries in them, or Oh, yeah, nice. Nuts and cranberries. They're really like brittle. I love that. They're really good. I love those.

So, yeah, I'd go for that. James? Well, thanks for coming in, Jess. Your book is available to Empower, and we'll go and buy that. Jesus. Oh, man.

Oh, Jesus. I love that. It's the cheese. I can't believe myself to do it. I can't believe you've done this to me. Have you been prepped for this? I've not been prepped for it. I'm told to go in and get it.

She said at the beginning, she's like starters. She doesn't like desserts. I did say that at the start. Yeah, right. It's like the, she's been consistent throughout the book. It's like a well-written film

where I should have seen the twist coming, and I didn't see it coming. And like, yeah, that was, you're right at the start. Jesses, huh?

Jesses, M Night Shyamalanthia. She has M Night Shyamalanthia. I said it better, didn't I? I don't know what that is. M Night Shyamalanthia, you wrote Sixth Sense? Oh, right, okay.

Yeah. Get that there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see dead people and stuff. I watched the Sixth Sense recently with my eldest son, and I was like, like just staring at him

all the way through for the payoff. And he just went, oh, yeah. I was like, We're living in a different time now. We're so used to twists. At the time,

that was incredible. That was mind-blowing. Incredible. But he was just like, I'll say what they've done there. I'm sorry. Say it, kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a boy who, you know, has breakfast for dinner. Yeah. Like he's... He's used to things being flipped on their head. Yeah, I'd be like, yeah, pretty cool.

My dad's chips for breakfast last night. Who cares? Right. Here we go. Got to read your order back to you. Somewhere this is going to sting. The last one, Will. Thanks for coming on, Jeff.

Oh, James. James, James, James. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Yo, dear. Gloting does not befit you, Ed. It's all backfired, hasn't it, mate?

All this time, people coming in talking about puddings and I sit here and go, well, that sounds nice, each to their own. And then someone says, cheese board, and you blew a fucking gasket.

It's just growing over there like a rooster. Unbelievable behaviour. It's just growing over there. It's just growing over there like a rooster. It's just growing over there like a rooster.

It's just growing over there like a rooster. It's just growing over there Incredible behaviour in front of an MP, no less. She's denoted now in my eyes. What's she's denoted to? P.M.

Well, what's exciting is Jess Phillips' book is out this week. What's it called? Cheese dessert. Do you're going to Try and call her on a cheese B.S.? I did try.

You've heard me. I tried my best. If you'd read the book, you'd know that screaming at the top of your voice you, Jess, is not part of calling time on BS. That's just having a little breakdown. So I'm very proud of Jess. Thank you so much for all your choices. She's my choice for PM. And then finally, we can institute no puddings and cheeseboards for all.

Ed, please, it's all too raw now. Do not do that. I know you're just having a laugh, but come on. Go get Jess's book. Come and see me on tour. I'm touring from around now doing the rest of my nationwide tour. It's called Blizzard, finishing it all off with a final performance of the show at the Shepherds Bush Empire in London on December 20th. Go on to edgambel.co.uk for tickets. James, what are you up to, mate? My name is James A. Caster on Twitter. I've got a book out called Perfect Sound Whatever. It's about the music of 2016. How's the greatest year for music of all time? Every now and

again, I slug off ed in it. Perfect, the perfect book. Keep listening to this podcast. Subscribe, do all that, leave a little review. Hit us up on the socials, why not, at Off Menu Official on Twitter and Instagram and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet thing. I really wish Jess Phillips had chosen the whole coffee being so I could have actually chucked her out. Thank you very much for listening. I've got to go and calm down a very grumpy little genie. We'll see you next week.

I'll just soak in my lamp. Hello, it's me, Amy Gledhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from

the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Gledhill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News.

When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.