Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 34: Sophie Duker

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Edinburgh Comedy Award Best Newcomer nominee Sophie Duker has a table booked this week. Tears flow, secrets are revealed and the rice battle continues. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Sophie Duker's show 'Venus' is at London's Soho Theatre, 29 Oct-2 Nov. More info at sohotheatre.com.Follow Sophie on Twitter: @sophiedukebox.Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? We'll be going Dutch on this one. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Oh, past the Dutchie. Past the Dutchie. I'm Ed Gamble, and over there, clearly eating a corn sausage is James A. Caster. Busted. Busted. Naughty little corn boy. Delicious. They've not even sent those for free, and yet we're still eating them. Bonito got me into these. They're amazing. Corn, cocktail sausage is so good. Lovely. Welcome to the party. This is the Off Menu podcast, where we have a special guest in our dream restaurant, and we ask them a series

of things, don't we, James? Would you like to tell us what those things are? With pleasure, Ed. We ask them what their favourite ever start, a main course side dish and drink are. Of all time. And dessert. And dessert. How could I forget dessert? Did I forget dessert? If I put... Oh, James. I'm a different man. Have you been to some sort of, like a hypnotist? Just put a sausage in my mouth. I forget. Put it exists. Oh, no. I hope you did forget dessert, and I've not just gone mad. Yeah. Well, one of us has gone mad. Well, I've just had a sausage, but maybe I forgot. I can't even hear the word dessert anymore. Yeah, some of these veggie sausages. Well, welcome to the Off Menu podcast, where sausages make you forget dessert.

We live in a topsy-turvy, wacky world. Oh, that's Richard Kurtz's next film. Is that somebody with sausage? Oh, I forget. Put it exists. But who is the special guest in the dream restaurant this week, James? I haven't forgotten that. No. Sophie Duker. Sophie Duker. She is a wonderful comedian. Gigs with her many times. She's excellent. Very funny. Very, very, very funny. Very funny and very excited to see what she picks in her dream menu in the dream restaurant this week. Okay, what though, Ed? If Sophie picks a certain ingredient, I am going to have to check about the restaurant. That is the rules of the restaurant. And what is that ingredient, James? This week's secret

ingredient is popping candy. Popping candy. It is pointless. Popping. I hate it. Yeah, it's very annoying. Yeah, the first time you have it, fair enough, open your mouth, hear the popping noises, show your mates. Yeah. But like, do you know what? Not anymore. I think you would show your mates at this. Stop eating that sausage now. Why are you eating the sausage now? I stopped eating it long enough to remember what popping candy was. And then I started eating the sausage again. Well, if Sophie says popping candy, she is out of the restaurant. But I'm sure she won't. I'm sure it'll be an absolutely delicious meal. So let's hear it at the off menu menu of Sophie Duker.

Welcome, Sophie, to the dream restaurant. Well, thank you. It's beautiful. Welcome, Sophie Duker. Hello. James is a genie waiter. As you can see, I don't need to tell you that. Oh, yeah. You can see I'm a genie waiter. Did the waistcoat give it away? It's a lovely waistcoat you've got on today, James. Thank you very much. Do you like it, Sophie? I think it's garish. Yes, yes. Garish was fine. That's appropriate for your genie magic lives. I'll tell you about it. You can see that I've actually got garish written on the back in diamonds. You anticipated that. Diamonds studs. Do you want to take us through some of the things you've got hanging off the waistcoat today? There's quite a lot of accoutrements. Yeah,

I've got some fluffy dice. Yeah. And I've got... That'll be smelly dice. Yeah, they're stinky. Absolutely stinky. The old stinky genie dice. Yeah. And I've got a fluffy snakes and ladders game to go with the dice as well. It's a lovely outfit, James. Thank you very much. Well done. Thank you very much. Garish. Now, we've covered your outfit. Let's welcome our guests to the restaurant. Welcome along, Sophie. Do you go out and eat much? Do you do a lot of home cooking? I like cooking. Yeah. I really like cooking. I find it very exciting. Yes. Because you feel like you're a sort of magician while you do it. It's like it relaxes me. I do eat out, but I do not deliver food. Right. I don't get food brought

to me. That's a hard and fast rule. I mean, it has happened, but I'm just like, I don't like not knowing what's happening on the way from the like it being put in the box. Okay. I don't like not knowing what's happening between the restaurant and your house. Interesting. Because it takes like, I don't know, like two hours to get there and you don't know what they've done on the way. Like... What sort of things do you think they're doing on the way? Just honest answers. I think they... Okay. Firstly, I don't think that... I'm going to sound like a bad man for all these people on zero hours contrast. I don't think they take it straight away. I think they're quite allegedly about it. And I think they look at

it before they shut it away in there. They look at it. And that's the last thing you want. That's not what you want. I just think... I just imagine someone looking at my pizza and assessing all the stuff that I've chosen to eat. Judging your topics. Judging my topics. And then it's like, it's like, as soon as it touches the air, it's like a baby. It starts to like degrade and like get old. And I don't... I like it coming. I would eat food straight from the pan if I could. And like putting it in a box and taking it to me is just like, there's no... I wish... I think there's many footnotes there. Everything you just said, we need to take you through that again. You think people are looking at your pizza? Yeah. And you're worried that

they're judging it? Yeah. I don't know if it's the people like who make the pizza, who are just like looking at it before they put it in the box. The people who make the pizza will have to look at it. Yeah, they've got it. Unless I get it delivered from Don La Noir. Don La Noir, yeah. Where they're all blind and so they won't be... But then they're going to touch your pizza, aren't they? Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Not weird about that. Don La Noir is a restaurant where the people eat you eat in the dark, right? I don't know why you think it's dark in the kitchen. I don't know why I think it's dark in the kitchen. And we're just going to leave the fact you think that babies degrade as soon as their face touches the air. Yeah. But that is what happens. So it happens as soon as a baby's

born. But only in like a long time. But over a period of years. Because like obviously your two hour delivery isn't going to... That's not like a baby. No, it's not like a baby. I don't think it's logical. I just don't like... And you also don't know when they've arrived or they might take it to another house, which always happens to me. I always get wrong people's stories. It happens a lot. Yeah, it happens to me. I understand the thing about wanting to eat it from the pan. I mean, that's very nice. So like if there was a restaurant where that was how they did it. Yeah. You'd probably be straight there, right? So it's like... And then those Japanese restaurants, they make it on the table, on the hot table. Yeah. I think it's from the reason I think this is because of Narnia.

Could not have guessed that. Could not have guessed that one. That's just a big left turn. In the line in the witch and wardrobe, when they go and they have fish with Mr. Tumnus. No, not with Mr. Tumnus for badges. No, not the badges, the beavers. They have... Oh, God. They have it with the beavers. They have fish with the beavers. And then CS Moon just kind of does like a little sideways a sign and it's like, Reader, have you ever had fish that is like 10 minutes out of the water and five minutes out of the pan? So that stuck in your head, that lodged. There's a lot of food in those books, like Turkish Delight. And he does describe... I've never thought about that, but he describes it very nicely, doesn't he? He's very good at... So Turkish Delight. I don't think

there are many kids who have eaten Turkish Delight before they read that book. No. Like most of times the first time you've ever heard of it, you have no concept of Turkish Delight. And the way that he describes it does make it sound like the best food in the world. And it is a letdown when you have it for the first time. Yeah, it's not good. It's not good. It's like cider in Fantastic Mr Fox. Are you getting where I'm getting all my food from? He's like, it tastes like sunbeams and rainbows and it's just nice. Yeah, yeah. It tastes like apples, I think. It tastes like apples. I really like the fact that you bought a Tom Nassau and the Turkish Delight and all that stuff, because that is... Yeah, I think for a few years Turkish Delight was my favourite food and I hadn't

eaten it. Oh, yeah. Because I was like... Yeah, if you had eaten it, you know it was fine. That's the best food in the world. It's quite weird. Yeah, kids' books, especially like proper good kids' stories have so much food in them. And weirdly, I went through a period of listening to the Hunger Games audiobooks a couple of years ago. Has that ever looked like food, did it? It's basically a story about a restaurant and then people get killed. There's so much food in it. There's so much description. There's one bit was just like describing some lamb for like a whole chapter. Wow. I guess. Then they sick it up. So what happens is the really posh people eat loads and then they take a little pill and sick it all up so they can eat some more.

Oh, yeah. It's about... It's like political. Political, isn't it? The Hunger Games? Yeah. Oh, I just realised it's called the Hunger Games. We always start off with water choice if you want still or spartan water. Is this thrown you already? No, I did know because I have listened. Do you want to know how long it's going to take to get from the kitchen to you? You can imagine what's going to happen to it on the way. As soon as the bubbles hit the air, they do degrade. Like thousands of little babies. So you give me old water, old man water. Little baby bubbles. Okay. So I've got what I think is the cool answer. Oh, okay. I think it's

because I listened to Cindy and she was like, I just want warm water. I think she said that. She was like, I don't like cold water. Do you know what? Cindy's so kind of like authoritative that like I probably didn't question that which said it at the time, but now you've said it. I'm like, why did I not pull her up on that? I mean, that makes me seem like a dick because I obviously want sparkling water. Can I please have some sparkling water? Yeah, of course you can. I feel like it's just a stupid choice. Why? Because when I started drinking sparkling water, I thought it was really sophisticated. Like I wouldn't call it fizzy water. I'd call it sparkling

water. And it was just like a way to feel like I was like a grown-up. How old are you? Probably about two. No, maybe about seven. The first time I had it, I think when I had it for the first one, I was like, oh my God. Do you remember the first time you had sparkling water? I think it was probably a restaurant with my dad, which is where all my trauma lies. I think it was like, I think I had it in a fancy setting and he probably had wine and I had some sparkling water and I was like, this is the same. Yeah, yeah. Swill it around. Just the same. Made all those noise. Delicious. Yeah. I think you're right. It does feel more sophisticated. It's more sophisticated. You can have water. It's basically spit.

Water is basically spit. You're not the first person who said that. Jordan Banjo also thought that water was basically spit. Oh yeah. He said that water was basically spit and that's how he thinks about it. So he can't drink it. Yeah. And that's like in my head every time I've had water since I thought, oh, it's just a glass of spit. And now Jordan Banjo's done that to me. Now, Duke has doubled down on it. Yeah, it's definitely just spit and it's been through loads of people. I mean, I'm sorry, I don't need to go into this. Has it been through loads of people? This is being really like nostalgic for me. Yeah, because like the water you drink has been through at least five bodies before you. Are you sure about that? No, I'm not sure. Why are you getting this far?

Because it's like rainwater. It comes down and you drink it and then you piss it out and then dinosaurs drink it and they die and then Henry VIII drinks it and then now all the rainwater gets all like, it's not fresh. Every glass of water you've had has been through Henry VIII. Yeah, I guess so. But I thought you were making out like, you know that coffee bean that little monkey eats it and poops it out and then you have the coffee bean. Oh, no. Do you know about that? No. So the coffee bean. Yeah, it's like a proper thing. The delicacy that people pay a lot of money for. It's really expensive, yeah. The little animal eats it, shits it out and then they make coffee out of it, out of the coffee shit. And I thought

that's what you meant by the water has been through five people. The best water has been through five people. Yeah, and they drink it. I only have sparkling water. I've just realized this. If I'm in Spain, because I can order it by saying Aguacón gas and that makes me feel real fancy. Whoa. Aguacón gas. That is really fancy. Right. I think I don't know if this is Italian. Aguacón gas is good. Frisante. Oh, I think that's Italian. That sounds right. That's a shampoo. Anti-frisante. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever I order Frisante in Italy, horrible. Tastes like shampoo. It's so thick. The water's so thick. Lovely. Lovely, though. Bubbly, so bubbly. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread,

Sophie. Pop it up, it's all bread. Not Pop-a-dums. I don't like Pop-a-dums. What? What? Well, then there's only one other choice. Hold on a second, though. This is the first person who said they don't like Pop-a-dums. I think they're overrated. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Also. I'm not angry at that statement. Controversial episode already. Actually, with every single turn, Sophie's got a bit of a controversial take on it. I'm not trying to be controversial. What the delivery drivers are doing with your stuff. Looking at your pizza. The glass full of spit. It's been through eight people or whatever. Now we've got overrated Pop-a-dums. Pop-a-dums sound like a fun snack. The food that I have had delivered in the past is Indian food.

I have an Indian restaurant near me, which I really love because the main chef there is so bitter about having been ejected from Bombay Bicycle Club, not the band. Although it is unclear, so he's just so bitter there. The back of the menu is his biography and how he got ejected from Bombay Bicycle Club. Really? Yeah, it's called Art of Spices. The menu is like, I've got kicked out. He was just like, yeah, I worked it. I just remember reading it and just crying with laughter. But the food is phenomenal. I used to live on top of that shop, but now I've moved and I will get it delivered because it should, yeah, anyway. Are you crying now of it? I can see tears coming from you. You're genuinely crying now,

remembering the menu. But you've done it a really great way around, which I've never seen before. I've seen people cry with laughter before. Sure, you know, I'm on tour. But you started crying before you started laughing. Yeah, the tears came. And I just remember crying, laughing, and then the tears started, and then you started laughing. It said cry and laughing. Tears started just flowing from your eyes, and then the laughter caught up with it. But like, laugh until you cry, if you cry until you laugh. Here we go. Yeah, I don't know. Is that how, is that the way you meant, oh yeah, you laugh and then laugh. You laugh until you cry, right? Yeah, you're going, yeah. Yeah, normally people laugh

until they cry. You cry and then you start laughing, which is like, it's like if a baby was born old and started becoming young. Yeah, that's what it is, it's opposites. You're a bedroom, you're a bedroom of a button. Like, I'm just like, oh, this is so funny. Yeah. And then I have to process how much that means, and then I can relax and laugh. Would you be more comfortable? Your body knows that you're going to cry laughing at it anyway, so it just flies everything off at the same time. Should we start with dessert today? Can if you want. No, it's not, it's not sad. I don't feel badly about it. I just, I feel if you want to do this whole thing in reverse, we can't do that. Okay, no, I want to do it in

the proper order. Okay. Shout out to that chef. Yeah. And to Bombay Bicycle Club. But they put it, it's like a compensation for your order taking too long. They just give you free proper domes. Yes. I've never not had free proper domes. Yes. Why would you want, I don't, it's not a thing. What do you mean it's not a thing? It's not filling. No, but it's like a little, just get the mouth ready. Sorry, I'm actually weeping and I think it's upsetting you. No, no, I very much like the fact that your first kiss to cry all the way through. So you, you think it's not a thing? It's just like, sorry, that this is taking so long. Here's proper dom. And it doesn't taste of much. And then they give you the chutneys. I mean, I don't,

you don't want any of those chutneys. No, no, I don't want any of the chutneys. So your problem with it is that you don't want it, but you want some, so are you in that situation thinking, I would like something because this has taken a while. I would like to eat something, but this isn't, I want the curry. You want the curry. So you, to you, it represents lateness. Yeah. It's like a text being like, I'm just around the corner. Yeah. No, no, you're not. That's what a proper dom is. So you think they are giving you proper domes basically to give you something to just occupy your mouth while the main thing gets ready. Yeah. It's like, it's like throwing like a, yeah, an obstacle in your way. It's like, get through this and then we'll see about the,

about the corner. Okay. But, but bread, some people would argue is the same. They do the same trick with bread. They do do the same trick with bread, but bread is like, bread isn't bullshit basically. Bread isn't bullshit, which the listeners can't see that that's what your t-shirt says. Yeah, no. Bread isn't bullshit. I'm very pro bread. I wasn't really pro bread before I lived in France and I thought they ate too much bread. Hold on a second. What? I did not know you lived in France. I lived in France. I knew you lived in France because I've heard you on another podcast. Oh my God. I mentioned that you lived in France. Ed listens to podcasts. So I'm not so keen. That's research. So how long did you live in

France? I mean, I've done a trend on the territory that's already been covered in other podcasts. Oh no, this is going to be bread. This is going to be bread based. I lived there for about 365 breads. Because they eat bread every day, every single day. They eat bread all the time. Too much bread. They eat like, you go and get a baguette and they have it with breakfast and then you have it at lunch. Then it's stale. The next day, so you throw it away. They make them too long. They're too long. They're too long. But good. Because it's like, it's important to have the bread. Yeah. Always go and get bread if you've got people over. But real French people, which I was living with, they have that bread, but they also have like a thing called Frank's American Loaf.

What? It's like, is he going in a plastic bag? And it's called Frank's American Loaf. And it never, there was one in like, they're covered for three months and it doesn't change color. Wow. And that's the bread they're like, when they're like, okay, we chill out like behind the scenes, we eat this bread. So in France, we're all eating Frank's American Loaf. I get so just for PR basically. Yeah, we get to just like, oh, we got to go walking down the street. They're all fake. But then like, they're like, oh, when the boulangeries close, out comes Frank's American Loaf. And it's like real process white bread. Really? It's pretty bad. Real bad. Oh, Frank. I've never heard of Frank's American Loaf before.

I like saying it. Frank's American Loaf. It's like, this is like when I first heard about Turkish Delight. It sounds absolutely delicious. So suddenly Frank's American Loaf is my favorite bread. But I don't think the white witch could have tempted Edmund with a Frank's American Loaf. It would have seemed, it would have seemed creepy. Yeah. She said, maybe you'd stay with us if we can tempt you with some Frank's American Loaf. The baguette, I mean, French bread is amazing, isn't it? It's pretty good. It's so good. It's pretty good. And it's like ephemeral because it goes stale real fast. So that's the beauty of it. And it's like a daily thing of going to buy the bread, like the routine of going to get the bread.

My girlfriend lived in Paris for like six months or something. I used to go and stay with her. She lived basically above a bakery every morning, go down. She used to go and get the baguette and would come back. And it was like a one minute walk. And then she'd always come back and the top would be eaten. Yeah. Because they put it in that bag where it's poking out the top. First thing you're going to do is nibble it. This is just proof Sophie's point about ordering food. You know what's happening between the place and the guests here. Yeah. I think, I think they, Joe, you've probably vindicated their Sophie. Yeah. Just nibble, nibble. That's a one minute journey. Who knows what's happening over two hours. I don't think it's possible to get a

baguette and not nibble the top of it. Yeah. But you have to as well, because it's touching the air. So it's immediately degraded. It's almost like baby bread. You just got constant problems. You've got to eat the baby before it grows up. That is a friend. What's that? Sounds nicer in French, that's saying, doesn't it? Yeah. Mangelle baby. Mangelle baby. Mangelle baby is very good. Is your bread then, your bread choice from your time in France? Is it like a bread that you had there that is the best? No, it's not. My bread is a bread from a Turkish shop in Doulston, where they used to make fresh bread every night, but then lie about it.

You'd go in and they'd ask for some fresh bread and they'd be like, there's some bread on the shelf. I'd be like, I can smell the bread. I know there's bread here. And it was the most amazing bread that I'd ever had in my life. Why are they lying about the bread? Are they waiting for like regulars to come in? Or are they like, there's some Turkish people who are really going to want some bread? I think if you don't speak Turkish, they assume that, I think what happened was that someone like slipped up and I asked for some bread and there was no bread on the shelf. And he was like, oh, well, I could get you the bread from downstairs in our secret bread. And I had it and it was like, it was, it was the most

beautiful bread. It was so delicious. You could just like, it was, oh God, it's like a big duvet of bread. And it was like piping hot. Yeah. It's like, it's shaped like a surfboard. Yes. And it's like hot and it's just like, it's just like, it's, it's delicious. Is it what, what? So it doesn't sound very baguette. No, it's not. It's like flat. It's big and flat, like a, like a, like a duvet. So it's got the consistency of a duvet as well. Yeah, kind of like a duvet, like a pillow-y bread. Yeah, pillow. And you can dip it in things. You can use it to mop stuff up with. Maybe they don't want to sell it to you because that's their duvet. They're all sleeping. That's why it's a no. I just cooked myself a new duvet and we sold it to that lady again. Oh no. I mean, I don't think

they'd be able to sleep under that without sleep eating. You know, start eating it. Yeah. Does it have like sesame seeds on the top? No. It's plain. I don't, I can't, it's so good. But then it got taken over, the shop got taken over by a new family. Called Frank. They started selling American Get out of here. It's fine now. We got one loaf. Stop selling the bread. They wouldn't give me the bread. So they still do the bread? No, if they still do the bread, they won't give me, I've also moved. So I can't, I can't investigate. But they're all very cavalier at the shop now and they don't, I don't think they're, I just, very sad. So it's still a bakery? Oh no, it's like a, it's like an off-license. Oh yeah, it's boy,

so they probably stopped doing the bread. No, no, it was always an off-license. They had a secret bread. Oh, hold on a second. It was always an off-license and there was a secret bakery in it. Yeah. Oh, you love the sound of that, don't you? Yeah, I love the sound of that. I think it was great. So you would go in and you'd be like, this is a normal off-license. Yeah. But there's a smell of fresh, there's a smell of fresh bread. So where is that bread coming from? Unless you are. Yeah, it sounds like you have faintly gone, go and get me that bread. I know you've got bread in there. I know you've got some bread in there. You go and get me that bread. Oh, okay. She's back again. Just after they're flat upstairs. I'm going to give this lady our shopping again.

We're going to have to move. We have, we can afford to eat. I drove them away. I've done, yeah, I do, yeah. I found another shop, but it's a kebab shop, but I go in and ask them to make me bread. So they've got, because that says no more Turkish bread, but it's not the same. It's not as good, but it is very. So this is incredible. You just walk into Turkish establishments, regardless of what they do and demand they bake you some fresh bread. That is what I do. I know you've got bread on the premises. You must do. What are you wrapping the kebabs with? Yeah, yeah. I have actually said that. What are you wrapping the kebabs with then? They use the bread to wrap the kebabs with. So I was just like, I was like, can I have some bread?

And like, there'll be someone either in there like bread and I'm like, what are you wrapping? What are you wrapping those kebabs with then? Oh, she's got us. She's got us again. She's sticking it out. Why am I crying? You're crying again. Here come the cheese. So we come to your starter now. Okay. What emotions will this trigger for you? Happy sad ones. I think, I think the point of starters is that you can have many starters. So this is a flawed round. Okay. Sorry. Because you're making you pick one. But if you were going to a restaurant by yourself, would you order multiple starters?

If you were having a main end of dessert. Oh, no, I wouldn't. I'd be too ashamed. Well, you don't need to be ashamed in the dream restaurant, but you can only order one starter. Yeah. But you're perfectly welcome to give some honorable mentions. Horrible mentions. Yeah. Pretty good, right? I like that. I think I'm going to go straight in, but I might remember things when I go straight in with the starter. And I think like a good starter is like, it's satisfying like it could maybe be like a snack or a meal. It can't just be like, Oh my God. Oh God. Here we go. Okay. She's off straight to anger.

Oh God. Okay. With Sophie, there's absolutely no bridging emotions. Zero to 60. Tears, anger. I went to Oslo, not the place, but like sort of bar club thing in Hatney. And I ordered a starter, which was like an asparagus salad. And it was like, it's an asparagus salad. It's got like beetroot. It's got pine nuts. It's got mozzarella. And I was like, this sounds lovely. I'm going to order this salad. And I'm going to have a meal of starter. So I had that and I had some like a duck triple cut. I can say you're well enough. Absolutely loving this episode. Oh, and then I ordered it and they brought me a slab, which had like four asparagus heads on it.

Yeah. And it had like a drizzle of pink, like tubby custard on it. Cause all the other ingredients all the other ingredients had been blended and just drizzled on it. And they were selling that for like six pounds. And I was like, I know how much asparagus costs. So they blended everything, but you can't put that as an ingredient. They put it as separate ingredients. Yeah, that's not all right. That's not on. I love the tubby custard reference. I hadn't thought about tubby custard for a long time. Worth it for the tubby custard reference. Yeah. How much of that did they eat? They ate it all the time, right? I think that's all they ate, right? That's all they ate was tubby custard. The idea of you going into the kitchen to complain about that is just Nunu the

Hoover. Yeah. I think I did my first tweet about that. About tubby custard. No, about that salad with the tubby custard on it. I was so angry. Your first ever tweet. Maybe not my first ever tweet, but like in the first, in the first 50 tweets. What's all this about? I'm going to leverage my influence. So that's not your choice? That's not my choice, but I'm like, that's not a good starter. A good starter has to almost be a meal, but it has to be kind of like fancy and have a little bit of flair because you're like, yeah. Like that's an introduction to the meal. Like in a mousse, I don't know if a mousse bouche is a starter, but you're like, I think in a mousse, an amuse bouche would be like a little, yeah, like a little cannon paper, but by definition to,

you know, to sort of excite the mouth. Yeah. I think that could be a loophole in the podcast. If a guest wanted to do that and come on and go, I'm going to add an amuse bouche to this, I think we'd have to go fair enough. Yeah. Oh, this might be an amuse bouche, but you can judge for yourselves. Okay. I think things that make things fancy are things that are a bit incongruous, but not completely insane. Like peaches. Okay. Okay. Get yourself grilled peach. Oh yeah. Yeah. I've only recently converted to the grilled peach situation. Oh, it's so good. Yeah. I've never really been into the fruit in savory things. I don't like that when it's like cooked in. Yeah. But if it's just grilled, grilled and placed. So how are you having this? I think the place

I'm thinking of is I went to my brother's graduation in America where I was not expecting them to have good food. And it was his like house, his like rugby house. And they had like a spread for all the family. And there was this like bruschetta with peach on it. And I think feta or mozzarella. I can't really remember, but it was a white cheese. A white cheese. Yes. And then they fucked it up with some balsamic. Maybe some mint. So it's this, I mean, it does, you're right. It's a starter slash amuse bouche. It's a starter slash amuse bouche. Yeah, nibble. It's a nibble. Yeah. Pretty good though. Grilled peaches, I always fight. So you're recently converted. You're a long time listener. Love them. I always want to be a bit to everything

that I love about peaches usually. It's like I've kind of taken that away a little bit. So they're a bit more bitter when they're grilled, not as sweet. And no, no, no, no, okay. Maybe they're a bit, maybe a tiny bit more bitter, but you should have like a properly sweet peach. And then it's got like the griddle. You see the marks on it? Yeah. Like almost like it's like caramelised. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe like a roasted peach. I don't know. I feel like the marks on there are doing a lot of the heavy lifting. I think you're doing a lot of eating with your eyes there. You need those grill marks. Yeah. I love a grill mark. Yeah. What's your favorite thing to have had a grill mark on it? A bit of bread, actually. They do

like bread just straight onto the griddle. Like dough onto the griddle. I love it. It looks like the food's in prison and I'm going to break it free. You're trying to get it out of prison? Yeah. Wow. You're the liberator of this traffic. It's a political prisoner and I'm just the international. I've come to break it free. When you take it into the... When you have a dump, do you pretend it's Andy Defraing falling out into the water at the end of Shawshank? Yeah, because it falls out into the water and then he goes to the beach to meet Morgan Freeman. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. Very nice. I did the frame. So you want the... I mean, I just said I'm nice to the peaches of the griddle mark. You say it's

your caramelised, so then you get that sweetness back with the caramelisation. Yeah, you get the sweetness back, but you've got to start with a good peach, like James did. Like James did in the story of James the Giant Peach. Back to Children's Literature again. Back to Children's Literature. Where all your food kind of seems to grow from is all children's books. Yeah. But you've got a lot of savoury stuff on that peach, so you've got a lot of different... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like cheese and... Yeah. It's balsamic savoury? Probably not. I think it's pretty savoury. I think it's pretty savoury. It's hard. You've got the bread underneath it. It could be a salad.

You could have a salad since I already have the bread. I don't need the brochette or I could make it chat some pie nuts in there, like was in that asparagus. You're just riffing this. I love it. But is that what you're going to see now? Fruit and salads, that's why I start to get a little bit shaky sometimes, but then... I've got into that more recently. As long as it's like a salty... Let's say you put an apple in, but with some soy. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I had that at a house party once. It was actually a house party, but they had a really nice salad. You're going to some quality house party. Your brother's graduation in the house he was living in, and they'd made grilled peach brochette for the people coming over, and you went to another house party with an apple and

soy salad. Apple and soy salad. Yeah, I was blown away. Goddamn house parties you're going to. This is incredible. Then you go to France and eat Frank's American life. And then just crash into an off-licence and demand they cook you bread. Yeah. It's amazing. What a quality of life you're leading. Yeah, I mean like the other parties, I think a good party has good food. Sure. I don't think I've been to any good parties then really. I think I've been to many house parties where like help yourself to the apple and soy salad. No. That's pretty good. That's pretty upmarket house parties. I've tried to cook at a lot of my birthday parties, which has been really terrible. While people are there. While people are there. So people are coming out like putting, I don't know,

like fried things in the oven, and then people come out and like descend on it. Like I think I tried to make chips at a house party, which is terrible. I've done that before and it's the last house party I'll ever have because you're trying to stop people breaking shit. Yeah. And also. Was I there? Yeah, I think, yeah. Do you remember when Lusandus dropped the four bottle of wine on the floor? Yeah. And what were you making? I had loads of stuff. Like I did, was that the year I did, I did like pulled pork on you or like a massive like show. I made like a massive bowl of guacamole as well. But then all those like pre-made nibbles in the oven and stuff and just trying to get them out. I think in my head, I was like having a sophisticated party

and then I invited like 100 people. No, it's lovely, but it is. It's a mistake. It's wrong. Yeah, I wouldn't want to. I mean, I don't cook very often anyway, but like I wouldn't be confident enough to cook at a party. That's like, it's ambitious. Yeah. You said your brother was in a rugby house. Yeah. Yes, I do. I knew you weren't going to let that go. Yeah, he was in a rugby house. What was that? What was that? So he went to university in America. America. In America, in Michigan, which is a really sporty college university, whatever they call it. Really sporty school and he didn't play American football. I haven't got wrong what it is. Yeah. People are always like, oh, you mean American football. But he decided to play rugby,

which was kind of like for the cool slacker kids who didn't want to be so intense as to play American football at Michigan, which would be like signing your life away. Yeah. Yeah. So he played rugby and he also didn't want to join a fraternity. Although I think you got approached by lots of fraternities. He was like, hey, we're cool. Come and join. He was like, no, I'm going to, rugby is going to be my fraternity. I'm going to be in this rugby house grilling peaches. Yeah. But it was cool. All the people who did rugby were really like, like kind of jockey, but like also like artistic. My brother's also amazing at cooking. Did he make the peaches on the bushel? I can't remember. I don't think so. There were a lot

of them. There was a lot of rugby players who were excellent chefs. I'm just dangerously putting a sprig of mint on a, on a peach. Yeah. I think this, this sounds good because I think you're one of our first people to actually sort of build your own dish for the starter as well. I think people are normally like, I want this from this restaurant. I want this standard sort of classic dish. I don't like, there's a, oh my God. Okay. So who knows what's around the bend? There's an amazing comic book called chew. Have you read it? Yes. I love chew. Oh my God. It's so cool. So I think one of the things that, um, oh no. Okay. So he has got the superpower that if he eats anything, he can like kind of remember the whole history of it. So like if it's like an

apple, he can see the tree where it was grown and how it's cut down and stuff. Oh, it must be a nightmare drinking a water and seeing all the dinosaurs and Henry the 8th and all of that. Eat a pizza, you can just see the delivery driver staring at it. That'd be quite good. Would you like that superpower? No, because then you can't eat anything because you just see someone like spitting. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You'd see someone spitting on it. So yeah, he could eat. So he's a policeman as well. He's also a policeman. He's like a detective. Yeah. Does that help him solve, I've never heard of this. Yeah. So he like, he nibbles crimes like eating stuff. He eats like a bit of a body and you can see what is it. Yeah. He doesn't want to, but it's like, if he's got that, oh my God.

Also, this is set in an alternate future where chicken's been banned. It's so good. It's really good. It's amazing. But I think the girl that he's in love with has a thing where for some reason, she doesn't want to eat the same thing as anyone else. So she has to eat a completely different meal in the place where it's being eaten. Someone has that power. And I'm always like customizing. I don't want to eat the same thing as anyone else is eating. So I've got a lot of condiments in my bag right now. Right now you've got a lot of condiments in your bag. Yeah. I think less than I have had, but more than two. Sorry. So if you're going to have to take us through all the condiments you've got in your bag, we're going to do it like when the jokers arrested and has to...

I've definitely got a sachet of Tabasco. Okay. I've definitely got a little bag of paprika. A bag of paprika? Yeah. Wow. A bag of paprika in your bag. Yeah. It was really, it was awful because I was... Tabasco paprika. Because there's a really, there's a type of like really hot paprika, chili paprika or paprika. I don't know which that I really like, but it's quite hard and it's like quite good to add to meals instead of like hot sauce in your bag. Just have some chili paprika. Okay. But I don't always have like the right utensils to gather it with. So I put decanted from my big bags and paprika into a sandwich bag and I've got a little baggie of paprika. But once I did the same thing and I was talking to someone who's maybe like vaguely important outside the BBC and I put

my hand in my pocket and the baggie of paprika and it exploded. So I just put my hand out and like a puff of red just came out like I was a wizard that I was like, I'm sorry. Oh god, I'm crying. Can the water work? Yeah. So I've got that. I think I've got some brown sugar. Yeah, of course you have. It sounds sexy. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Who hasn't? Yeah. And I might have so there's like, oh, this is really, oh no. There's like a, I think I have a sachet. So in France, they have, they give away pomfret sauce in McDonald's. And I also can't go to McDonald's in the UK. I'm allowed. I just don't go. So whenever I go on holiday, I'm like, oh, what's in the McDonald's? And they have pomfret sauce and it's delicious.

So I got a sachet when I was living there and I was like, I'll say that when I'm back in the UK and I want to eat pomfret sauce. Yes. But I haven't opened it yet. So you got that in your bag? That's in your bag ready to go. I think it was in my bag recently because I thought maybe today is the day. Yeah. McDonald's in Paris. Yeah. You speak about your bag as if it's this one land that changes every time you take it out. Like, who knows if there's pomfret sauce in there? Yeah. Well, I recently repacked my bag. I bought paprika with me for sure. That definitely. Tabasco for sure. Why don't you go in McDonald's in there? I'm aware that we're pressed for time, but every sentence, the Sophie says prompts more questions.

So why can't you go in McDonald's in England? Because when I was small and watching friends, like Monica and Chana have this rule that they can only have sex on holiday. Right? I don't know why you're now looking at as if that explains the McDonald's thing. Yeah. So I was like, I shouldn't be supporting McDonald's, but I can on holiday because it's like you do the cheeky thing when you're on holiday. It's fine. Like people forgive you because that's what goes on to stays on. So out of you and McDonald's, which one's Monica and which one's Chana? I think McDonald's is Monica. Right. Yeah. And I'm Chana. Yeah. You're comedian. You're funny. Yeah, I'm funny. It's a funny one. It's witty. It's witty. It's Monica Donald's.

What? Monica Donald's. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. Yeah. So we've come to your main course. Oh, God. What can I say? We're going for the peaches for you. I think I really like if this is really not if you just like egg and chips and then move. Egg and chips, please. Can I like them? Because I like egg and chips. I do love egg and chips. Yeah. Okay. So honorable mentions. I really like I think the best kind of meat is from a barbecue always. Always barbecue meat is the best kind of meat, but that's not enough. I also really like lasagna. Yes. Because it's great. Yeah. Garfield had it. Garfield did have it. But I think the meal that I would have would be a meal from my cousin's restaurant in Ghana in Accra. And she

she makes just like incredible Ganyan food, which is how you say it, Ganyan in Ghana, but people say Ghanaian, which is fine. That's right. No, but that's yeah. And I think I'd have some Jollof rice. We've had some controversy over the third time. What do you have an Igerian on? We had, we had unrelated to food, but I would. Because here's the thing. Now I'm having to admit, so we've had, this is the third mention. Yeah. At all first, we've had, we've had salasi and we had lolly. Yeah. Now you and I know now that it is, you've pushed it over to two for how do you say it? Ganyan. Ganyan rice. Yeah. Yeah. Ganyan or rice from Ghana. Yeah. People say Ganyan, but in Ghana, they say like Ganyan. Right. So,

Salasi was also, Salasi lent, he was a very quiet, very relaxed guest until it came to talking about Jollof rice and then he lent right into the microphone and he went, Jollof rice is not Nigerian. It's really. Wow. That's tough. But it's true. It's bad. I've like got into trouble because I'd like be bad now thing. Nigerian rice. Like I was just like, I was with my mum on this thing called like Africa in the square where they've got those African stalls and those people queuing up for the Jollof rice and I was like, queue up my mum and I was like, oh, it's not even worth it because it's Nigerian and these girls come around and were like, what did you say? And I was like, it's true. And they're like,

we had a fight about Jollof rice. It's not like Nigerian food is, is not good. Well, you really look, you took that pause to make sure you were diplomatic and then just completely. The rice is stupid. It's all like fat, stupid rice. Also, they don't make it with long grain rice. They make it with like fat, stupid rice. Also, there is like, there's a lot of in my like, auntie WhatsApp groups, there's lots of like myths about what's happening, like with food. There's a lot of it is quite problematic and worrying, like a myth of plastic rice that people were making plastic rice. That was like, it's just because someone's had Nigerian Jollof, and they think it's made of plastic.

It's terrible. Please leave all of this in. We've got to keep some because like, you know, this is it's become a running thing now. It is interesting. It's been like, you know, trashed twice now. And like, it's a shame that Lolly was the first person to mention Jollof rice on the podcast. So she just got off scot free. We weren't able to challenge her and go, because you know, me, I don't know everything. So we were like, oh, yeah, cool. That sounds delicious. Yeah. And then you were slashed, you both said that's a bullshit mate. Yeah. It tastes like shit. So your choice is Ganyan. Ganyan Jollof rice. I would also, I mean, I won't accept it because I want it from my cousin's restaurant. What was it called? It's called red chili. Red chili.

But what really upset me is that she's like, it's been quite successful and it's like, based on all my grandma's food. And she ended up serving food to Boris Johnson when he was visiting Ghana. And it was a really conflicting moment for me. Yeah. Yeah. What was he like? Did you get some? No, she just sent a picture around to the family group and everyone was like, yeah. Yeah, because it's pretty cool that like someone's visiting and that's the restaurant they choose, isn't it? Regardless of who it is. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, look, I'm not, no, she just also like, she, she also like makes meals for like prisoners in Ghana. It's like a really, it's really nice when she takes around like little food packages to them. So I'm like,

you're doing a good thing. Yes. But then like, Boris Johnson's just eating your like. You know, I don't think that bad prisoners don't deserve nice rice. You should give all the bad prisoners, prisoners Nigerian Jollof rice. Yeah. I mean, no, that's a bad sentiment. How can we part of the punishment? Enjoy your fat, stupid rice, you murderer. Yeah. So I probably have like the main there, like some Jollof rice from there, but like a goosey soup. Oh, this is what was one meal that I had. And she taught, my friends came with me to Ghana and she taught them all how to make Ghana food. Yeah. And it was like the most, I started crying. Yes. Because it was not today though. Weirdly. Weirdly. The first time.

The first time. You've run, you've run dry of tears today. Yeah. Yeah. It was like okra soup as well. Oh, yeah. Love it. Love okra. Oh, so good. So good. And it was just, oh, and they'd like had to like pound the like fufu. Do you know fufu? It's like sort of like, it's like plasticine. It's not like plasticine. It's nice. Yes. Nice plasticine. Nice plasticine. And you put your, you eat with your hands and you put your hands in the soup and you spoon it all up and it's got like cow skin and crab in it. And it's all gooey and disgusting. Yeah. Delicious. The only time I've ever had, I had some jollof rice, but it was a fancy, fancy ass restaurant called Iqoyi, which is just opened in town. It's really good. Is it Nigerian?

It's, they, they, they say West African broadly, I think. Oh. No, I don't think it is, because I think it's a fancy ass place. So it's like. Sanich Ali's jollof is also acceptable. Right. Okay. Oh, okay. This had crab, this had crab on it. Okay. It was real good. But I feel like I need more authentic, I need a more authentic jollof rice soup. Was it stupid fat rice? I don't remember it being stupid or fat. Okay. It was clever, small rice. Now your side dish? My side dish is fried plantain. That's easy. Straight in there this time. Yes, please. And no hesitation. Yeah. And is that from, what, is it anywhere in particular? I think I was really tempted to, to choose Kello Wille, which is, or Killy Willy, which is plantain from Ghana and it's quite spicy

and like really specific. You can get it like by the side of the road and it's like all hot and you're like wrap up in a newspaper. But I'm just going to go for like pretty simple sliced fried plantain, ripe plantain. I don't care who makes it. Wow. So is that, is that from a dish? No, no, no. Yeah. It's so strong. It's so strong. But it's a good statement to make. Yeah. It doesn't matter who makes it, they can't fuck up. Difficult to fuck up. Yeah. It's that good. Yeah. As long as they don't burn it. Sure. Or it's overripe. Well, they put too much stuff on it. I think you need to get something specific to cook it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very quickly it became like, no, actually. Absolutely. That's delicious. Straight to the point. Straight, simple, lovely side dish. I mean,

it feels like there's nothing to add there. Nothing to add. Although the trick, if you like frying plantain, what you should do is you should like cut it and then like keep the skin open, like a little sofa for the plantain and put the plantain on the skin because the skin soaks up all the oil. Oh, it's a tip. I told that to my Nigerian flatmate and she had not heard that before. Have you ever said other things to your Nigerian flatmate? Oh my god, she pronounces it plantain. Okay. What the fuck? I was more going back to the Jollof Flies but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to antagonise her. Got any more, any more beefs with the Nigerians? I don't want to antagonise her by speaking about Jollof because she hasn't made any yet. I haven't made any, but I will

before I move out and then it's like a parting gift. Yeah, yeah. But I, it's more that she calls it plantain. What? It's just, I need that. You say it and then you have a far away look in your eyes. Obviously, you kind of look in and go in. Actually, that bothers me more than I thought. And to drink with all this. Okay. Can I have an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic drink? Let's have it first. So, okay. So I recently had a great drink. I've only had it once. I was at party and my friend had a bar and they were serving salted polamos. Have you had that? Again, what goddamn party do you have? It was great. It's bottled. It wasn't like a fancy drink, but it's basically like slightly, so I guess it's sort of grapefruit juice. Right. And grapefruit

juice I used to buy when I was at uni because no one really likes it. Because you know, people as I was like, no one's gonna steal my juice. I used to be buy orange juice or apple juice, people like. Right. Okay. But did you like the juice or were you just buying something that everyone hated? I, a bit of both. And my friend, I said that to my friend at uni and he was like, you're a bad person. But the idea of you drinking that juice, go, I hate this so much, but it's mine. No one's touching it. The salted polamos was amazing, but I've only had it once. I stole a bottle to bring home and try later, but I don't want to choose that. So that's a non-alcoholic that's a non-alcoholic drink. But also kombucha I've recently got into. Right. Okay. I love

kombucha now. I used to have like a bit about it where I was like, it's stupid. Who's kombucha? But now I'm. That was the bit was it? Who's kombucha? Like the whole bit was like. It was that. Making a drink kind of himself. I thought that. I thought kombucha was a person. Yeah. Because I was at the podcast and Lades of Americans from LA and they were like, kombucha, kombucha. And then it's kombucha. So potentially kombucha. I'd have kombucha as my non-alcoholic if I wasn't allowed to drink. But you are allowed to drink. Great. So what's the alcohol situation? We might make you choose between between the two. If I'm choosing between the two, it's easy. There's like a restaurant in Paris I went to on my

birthday that I kind of found out about slightly randomly and it's about the size it's like could fit in about 12 people. They won't speak to you unless you can speak French. And I went there and there was one waiter who looked really grumpy. He looked a bit like you with black hair. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it won't see you. That's my French twin. Yeah. Yeah. That's Jack. Jack Acaster. Angry Jack. Yeah. Yeah. So that was like, you didn't confirm your book and you can't come in. And there was no one in the restaurant. This really was like, there's no one here. And he was like, well, you didn't

confirm it. And then we sat down and there was like one chef there who he either had one eye or like one eye was not there. Okay. I think that's maybe the same thing. I think he was one. I think that's the same thing. Yeah. That's the same thing twice. I don't know if his other eye was over. Maybe he could see out of one eye. He's either got one eye or one of his eyes wasn't there. Yeah. So it's a one eye to one eye chef. It's a one eye chef who was like furious. And then we sat down to order and I was like, I can do this. I'm being fancy and like, I'm going to order, I'm going to pay for everything. So obviously ordered the cheapest

champagne, which is like a brute. And he was like, that is not good champagne. And I was like, well, why'd you have it on the menu? And he was like, no, you should get this champagne. And I don't want to be negged on my birthday. So I bought that champagne. And it was like some beans and rainbows. Champagne I've ever had, like all the food was delicious. It was amazing. But that champagne was just like, incredible. So I'd have that. Do you remember the name of the champagne? And do you remember the name of the restaurant? I do not remember the name of the champagne. Okay, fine. I think that the name of the restaurant was La Petrale. It's very hard to like,

they kind of obscure it. Like you go and like, I tried to find it. Does that mean the Cyclops? I don't know what it needs. I don't think it's a real word. They just got like, first I went on the website, it was like completely black, but then at the bottom there was like a line. And then that said like a number, which I called. And then once I went on and it was just like a soundscape, different pictures. But it's not fancy. It's like quite weird, dingy restaurant. And I told, I was like working as a teacher, an English teacher, let's hold my coworker. And he was like, I've been trying to go there for years.

And I was like, there's no one there. So it doesn't, it's just a good champagne, mystery champagne, the mystery champagne from the one I chef. Yeah, that's what it's what you would like. Yeah. No, he might have been had one eye or one of his eyes might have been missing. It's amazing how many things appeared normal to me at this point in the podcast. Like, he didn't have two eyes, but I don't know why he either had one eye or one of his eyes, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Well, it depends. It's a half glass full, half glass, half what? Oh, I've gone mad. Half glass full, half glass empty, half glass full, half glass empty. Is that what you just said? It's like a half glass full, half glass empty. So that's having a half glass,

but it's full to the brim with water or just having a half glass that has nothing in it. Half glass full. Yeah. So you have half a glass. Yeah. Yeah. All the way to the top. Yeah. Or just empty. And that's if you're, yeah. And what was that saying about? If you're half. Well, it's how you look at the world is do, does that guy go, I have one eye or does he say one of my eyes is missing? Yes. Okay. You see what I mean? Yeah. It would have been a pithy throwaway thing. Half glass full, half glass empty. But unfortunately, I've said half glass full, half glass empty, which this, like when me and James were on the week together and I said, belly full of polish, wally full of cash. Yeah. My favorite moment in comedy ever.

But I said that. I was trying to say belly full of porridge, wallet full of cash. I can't remember why I was saying that, but I said belly full of polish, wally full of cash. It's amazing. Couldn't stop laughing. Is that a weird vibe that you're dessert now? Can I have a whiskey for dessert? I'll hold on a second. What? Interesting. You would like a drink for dessert? Yeah. That's interesting, isn't it? No one's done that before. No one has done that before. So you're not, are you not a dessert person? It's just a bit like, what, no, why? Why? No, like, yeah, no, why? Look at James' face. Look at what you've done to him. Why?

I like, I like, we'll just throw those brownies in the bin. No, okay. We've been sent some brownies from Lola's and Sophie seemed quite excited when they arrived. But now you're saying why? Because there's better stuff than dessert. Okay, mate. No, I mean, like, what do you mean? Name one thing in life that is better than dessert. I kind of like, I'm on board with this having a whiskey instead of dessert thing, but you're going to need to, you're going to need to get a bit of a kind of like rivalry with the, with the dessert course where I am a big pudding guy. I love all desserts. Ed always wants a person to choose a cheese board. Oh, I think that was a positive sound. No, no,

I'm not going to choose a cheese bird. Cheese bird. But like, you're the first person to go like, almost just go, do you know what? Let's just leave. Let's just leave. What a great attitude to come to a dream restaurant where you can order whatever you want and it comes to dessert and you go, I'm just going to leave. I think, okay, no, I can have it. I'll take, I'll take a dessert. No, if you want a whiskey, no, I think that's great. We would like to encourage the whiskey choice. Okay. Just trying to understand it. Okay. I think, I think also this, I'm really like, am I paying for this? No. Okay. All right. Well, if I was paying. I think we might be paying. Right. But he told, Google all the places that, so if you just mention, that'll be 200 pounds,

please. I think, I think, I think it comes from being like, I don't want to pay for the dessert because the dessert's usually artificially expensive. I took my mum out for a birthday last night. We had a dessert which was angel food cake with roibos ice cream and pistachios and strawberries. It was delicious. Sounds great. But it was more expensive than it should have been. Okay. I think. Also, they like split up the ice creams and the desserts. They're always like, would you like these three desserts? Or would you like one of the scoops of our ice cream? Yeah. And it's like, I want a dessert and ice cream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, now you're on the same page as yours. Yeah. I want a dessert and I don't be like all the six

pounds for this ice cream, but also more of a like, it's just like, just accept that people want dessert and ice cream together. But you can, you're in the dream restaurant, you can have dessert and ice cream together, or you can have a whiskey. I think you've made a good case for a little whiskey. The reason whiskey is that whiskey is like, I got you. I got you. Also, if you're like really full at the end of the meal, and you have a dessert that you're like, you know, I mean, but if you have a whiskey, you're like, what's next? Am I dying after this meal? Are you going to die? Am I going to die? No, we don't kill you. No, no, no. It's not, it's not like, no, no, no. It's, it's, you're not going to die. No, no. You eat the meal and then you have a happy life. You will

technically die after the meal, but I don't know, I can't specify. It's not my last meal. I can eat again. No, no, no, no. You can eat again. We will all die. Yeah. And for many of us, we'll still have a lot of questions about your menu when we die out of bed, but like, yeah, yeah. I'll get, I'll get, I'll go tomorrow when it's sunny. I'll get an ice cream. I don't want dessert now. Interesting. So you're at the dream restaurant and you've said, I'll get an ice cream tomorrow. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm really fine. It's dinner, it's dinner, it's dinner time. I love that you are full on an imaginary meal. Is that any particular type of whiskey or are you just pretty? Like, not, not a bourbon. So you're having a Scotch? I'm having a Scotch and I don't

want it to be too smoky. I don't mind having a Japanese whiskey, which is all. Is that technically Scotch? Yeah, I think so. I'd have a Japanese Scotch. A Japanese Scotch doesn't finish it. Okay, let me read your menu back to you. Okay. Here we go. You would like sparkling water? Yes. You would like frizzante specifically? Yeah, frizzante, sparkling water. Yeah. Problems with bread, you chose the secret Turkish duvet bread from an off license. That's not, it's good bread. Oh, I'm sure it's delicious, but it's kneading it back and remembering all of these dishes. When you first said them, it's like, yep, normal dish. And then the stories behind them make any sense. Start the grilled

peaches from your brother's working house. Oh, may cause Jolli fries and goosey soup, is that right? From Red Chili in Ghana. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So great. Side fried plantain made by your mum. Drink. He says champagne from the Cyclops restaurant. And does that, you're just like a Japanese Scotch whiskey. That's a lovely menu. Thank you. A lot of tears along the way. I'd love to eat that. It sounds great. Sounds delicious. Sounds great. Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Sophie. Sophie Duker there. Delish and a very emotional episode. Crying throughout. And you think we're joking about that? James made a joke early on in the episode that she'd be crying throughout the

podcast. She was weeping throughout the whole episode. Yep, because it cried. And we think in a good way. We think in a good way. We think she was happy memories, funny things that made her laugh. But she's crying instead of laughing, Sophie. I mean, yeah, look, her eyes do the work before the mouth. Yes. There's just a lot of weeping throughout. Yep, fair enough. Some jollof shots fired as well. Oh, shots fired. The battle continues between the Ganyan love. I can now have to say it right now. Ganyan and Nigerian jollof rice battles. Yes. So, you know, any opinions on that? Welcome. We are all ears. Feel free to tweet us on that off menu official with your opinions on who does the best jollof rice. Yes. But she didn't say the secret ingredient of popping

candy. No, that would not have gone very nice in the rice, would it? No. Well, I mean, she didn't really even have a pudding. So the popping candy wasn't going to come into it. Well, popping candy in a whiskey, do you? No. I mean, it might be, it's probably worth a shot. Explode. Try one day. Kaboom. Kaboom whiskey. That's my prediction. Make sure you follow Sophie on Twitter, Sophie Dukebox. Sophie Dukebox. That's Sophie Dukebox and you see all of her upcoming gigs. Go see her live, go and catch her live. Absolutely. If they wanted to catch you live, James, where might they go? To a venue. To a venue, go to your nearest venue and ask for James A. Caster. Yes. And for me, if you want to go on my website, edgamble.co.uk forward slash

gigs. If you're more of a stay at home type, I've got a comedy special available on Amazon Prime video. Yes, please. Check it out. I'll be watching that, Ed. Oh, thanks, James. Yes, I'll watch it. Do you want to come and see me live? I'm doing The Shepherd's Bush Empire on December 20th. Oh, yes, please. Cool. I'll see you there, man. I'll see you there. And we will see you in the Dream Restaurant next week. Goodbye. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not

going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.