Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 4: Nish Kumar (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 26, 2018

It's Boxing Day, we're feeling festive, and everyone's best friend Nish Kumar has popped in to order his favourite Christmas meal. Plus we need your help to #BringBackKumarsCobblerRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Nish Kumar is on tour in 2019 starting 25 January. See his website for full details.Ed Gamble is on tour in 2019. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour in 2019. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here.Don't forget to tweet @JacksonRye (politely) requesting the Peach Cobbler back on the menu – copy us in @OffMenuOfficial and use the hashtag #BringBackKumarsCobbler. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Jingle Bells Boxing Day Off Menu podcast. Hello. Very good, Ed. Hello. Hello, James. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast Christmas special on the most Christmassy of days, Boxing Day. It doesn't get more Christmassy than Boxing Day. It is the peak of Christmas. Quick explanation of the podcast if we've got new seasonal listeners, James. We're going to be asking our guests their favorite ever starter main course, side, drink and dessert. And today's guest is Nish Kumar. Nish Kumar is here for the Christmas special. Very exciting. And he's a special

boy. He's special in our hearts. He's our friend. And so who better to have on the special than our special friend, Nish? Now, every week on the Off Menu podcast, we have a secret ingredient. Yes. The guest says the secret ingredient. We will kick them out of the magical restaurant. And the secret ingredient for the Christmas special is gold. It's gold. So will Nish put gold in any of his meals. I hate whenever you see on a fancy cooking show and some newbie upstart put some gold flake or something on a dessert or something like that. And you know it tastes of nothing and it's such a waste of gold. It's so stupid that they're doing it. I'm sick of it. I want it out. And obviously it's Christmas Eve because of gold, frankincense

and murder. That's why we've included it in this. And I'm going to put it out there. I think it's unlikely that Nish will put gold on any of his dream courses. I've not seen him eating gold much. And you know, he knows that it doesn't go with his brand to come on this and go, yeah, I want to eat loads of gold on my Christmas dinner. I want a bit of gold on my blood diamonds. Yeah. So that's Nish laughing in the background. He's supposed to be keeping quiet. Also, on this episode, it bears saying that Nish is going to be choosing his favorite Christmas meal. Yes. Because it's Christmas. It's Christmas. Now, if you're not subscribed to this, bloody subscribe to it and leave it a review. But now let's crack on with the main meaty topics

of Nish Kumar. Of the Nish Kumar on the podcast. Bon appétit. Oh, Nish Kumar. Oh, oh, oh. Green giant. Is that what you were doing? Yeah. Or that. Merry Christmas. Merry Nishmas. What was that? Me appearing. Was that Christmas Eve? You appearing suddenly? Yeah. I'm a genie. Why are you a Christmas genie? Yeah. Christmas genie. That's one couple of intents right now. I'm glad I've got Nish here now, because me and Nish will very much occupy the same brain space on this. I can just take a break and let Nish have a go at you for deciding to be a genie, let alone a Christmas genie, which is not a thing. Also, I've very much added Christmas genie to try and rationalize what he could possibly be doing. No, he's a genie waiter

in this podcast. Yes. Oh, right. Okay. There you are. A genie waiter in this podcast. And now I'm a Christmas genie waiter. What makes you a Christmas genie? I'm covered in tinsel. I've got a Santa hat on. Yeah. And I came out of a stocking. Someone rubbed a stocking in the UK. So I rubbed a stocking and I came out of it. It doesn't happen when I rub a stocking. Well, yeah. Very blue. Very blue early doors. Yeah, come on. Can I just ask, do you have the stocking over your dick? Is that what you're implying? No, that has to be... Sorry, they're having a fucking Christmas party outside. Mum and Dad have a life for Christmas. No, no, they've caught me rubbing a stocking. It's not what it looks like. It's not what it looks like. I was trying to fuck it.

I'm trying to push the person to deeper. I was wearing the stocking because I was imagining my leg was a lady's leg. Thank you for coming on the podcast, Nish. Welcome to the Christmas restaurant. Oh, the lovely Christmas restaurant. It's a magical restaurant. That's why I'm a genie, Nish. TGI Christmas. Yes. TGI Christmas. Is that what we're calling it? Yeah, you could call it whatever you like. TGI Christmas. You can thank God that it's Christmas. That's true. It's his birthday. Yeah, it was not God's birthday. I don't understand your monotheistic nonsense. I'll explain it to you quickly. As a genie, I'm very learned in the ways of Christianity because genies are a Christian thing. Your understanding of Aladdin is very

interesting to me. John the Baptist was a genie, wasn't he? He was a genie. John the Genie Baptist. He used to be called John the Genie. I look so baptising people. I like to be called John the Baptist. It was like, okay, but it kind of glosses over the whole fact that you're a genie though. It's like, yeah, I know, but I feel like baptising is my main thing now. It's my true calling. If anyone writes a book about this sort of time period, can they leave out the genies? Don't say I'm a genie in the question. I'm trying to leave all that behind me. Okay, well, I'll try and put it in the subtext though. I think people need to. Hopefully people will pick up on it because you are a genie. Jesus is birthday, Nish.

It is Jesus's birthday. God doesn't have a birthday, but they're technically the same person. Sure. Are they? Them and the Holy Spirit. They're father and the son of the Holy Spirit, yeah. It's all one. Why did you not know anything about Christianity? Well, I do, but I think I've always taught that Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit were the same, but then other people have told me different that Jesus is literally God's son.

Listen, lads, what you want to do is get a whole bunch of gods. Some of them blue. Some of them have weapons. Yeah, some blue like head. Not blue like head. Blue like literally they're blue. There's not a saucy Hindu God. There's not a Hindu God who's like, who are? Anybody who heard that, that was a shame. What did you say?

You said not blue like head, literally blue. And I said like me, because I'm a genie. Yeah, so there's not a blue like. No, no, there isn't like Hindu God. There's no like carry on Hindu or something. Yeah. Look, I think it's all great. I don't have a problem with it.

I actually don't have a problem with any of it. Yeah, I haven't problem with any of it. When a guy looking saying that and Christmas. Look, and this is the Christmas special. But you know, we should probably call it the season, the seasonal special. Yeah. Don't call it that. Because if we call it that, then all the right wingers will start moaning.

No, no, I'm not saying Christmas anymore. You can't even say Christmas. Well, they can. I'm just choosing not to. I think if you're trying to not upset the right wingers, you may have invited the wrong guest on the order of the Christmas special. I haven't even researched a dish, but I think we're fine. I think we're on set of crap. I think we're in the clear.

Anyway, welcome to the Christmas special. This whole list of holy white Christmas festivals. Good fun. May I take your coat? Sure. In the restaurant. I'll hang it up where my special genie. Yeah.

Do I get a tag? Yep. You get a little tag here. Thank you very much. There you go. Memorize that. It's not a number. It's a symbol.

Memorize. And he's got to memorize it for some reason. Memorize it. It's not on the tag. Well, most people accidentally eat the tag at some point during the evening, so I suggest that they memorize it. It's two fish jumping out of the box of frosties. Yeah.

Yeah. That's yours. No one else has that. Just you. We've got a lot of coats back there, so we really started to run out of symbols. Yeah. Triangle went years ago.

This is why a lot of people opt for sort of numbers. Yeah, yeah. Because there's a lot of numbers in fairness. Members go on forever, which is what Ed brought up with our initial meeting starting this restaurant, but I said to him, so does symbols,

and he had no comeback for that. Yeah. And now I'm having to remember two fish jumping out of the box of frosties. Still you remembered it. You just said it again. It happened literally a minute ago. It's ingrained in your mind. If I hadn't been able to remember that,

it would have suggested some seasonal brain damage. Yeah, which, you know, hopefully, will not. I look, my favorite bit of banter is when it dies. It's when I realize I can't say something. First of all, we should ask Nish if he's a foodie. But I think we know that, we know that already. But the listeners, I mean, if we do a podcast about stuff that we know,

then the podcast is over now. Yeah, that's true. It would just be silent. If it's just what we know about Nish, only ask Nish stuff that we don't know about him, then... This podcast is at a high risk of disappearing up its own backside, given that at various points, we have all lived together. Including one point where we all did live together.

Yeah. For one month when I had a broken heart. James lived on our sofa bed for a month. Yeah. Was a wonderful house guest. He was a wonderful house guest. I mean, the first night was one of the bleakest things I've ever seen when you ate a whole dominoes pizza

and ate a whole top of ice cream. And no, I think the thing is, I was having my wonderful nights in by myself, which I used to look forward to. I'd make a steak. I'd get a bottle of wine. I'd watch a film. I'd sit up at the table properly and watch a film.

No one else was in. You were out, I believe, Nish at a gig. Yeah. And then get a little knock on the door, and it's a little orphan boy. It's very Christmassy, actually. It felt quite Christmassy. It was still going outside.

Little Jimmy A. Caster. Little Jimmy A. Caster is crutches on his crutches. And he was shivering. Please, Mr. Ed, I've got myself a broken heart. I've already ordered a dominoes to this address. Please let me in. And I have a warm heart, and I let him in from the cold to come

and warm his hands on my heart. And yeah, I believe you had the dominoes. You maybe had some ice cream as well. I believe I had to go to the shop at some point and buy myself another bottle of wine. Yeah, yeah. Because you needed it to get through the night. Get through all the heartbreak I was talking about.

This is how tender James was within the breakup, is I was watching a film, The Raid, I was watching. And James came over and I paused it, and he sat down and we were chatting, and then he looked around at the screen, and he was like, oh, me and my girlfriend went to see that film. Oh, yeah, yeah, we did. We did.

Oh, my God, it really did. He went to see The Raid, and she was like, it's not going to be violent, is it? And I thought, I said, I don't think it is. It was really violent. Oh, it's one of the most violent films I've ever seen. So violent in a new way. It's the plot is violent.

There's no pause, but it's just violence from wall to wall. So we have all lived together, so we've got to bear that in mind for the listener that they may not get some of our more sophisticated in-jokes. So I am a foodie. Yes, yes. As we know, I come from a food family. My, this is a thing I don't think,

I don't know if either of you know, my grandfather used to run restaurants. I didn't know that. I didn't know that either. This is brilliant. My grandfather used to run curry houses in Leicester, where he was an accountant when he first moved here from Kenya,

and then he, but his dream was to open restaurants. And so he, probably when he was about, I mean, I was about to say when he was much older, on reflection, if I really think about it, probably when he was the age I am now, he quit his job and opened an Indian restaurant. What was it called? That's so cool.

It's one of two. I can, I can never remember the order. He had the one called the Raj and one called the Taj. And then, and he ran those, he moved from one to the other. And then he ran a greasy spoon. That was his last job before he retired. He had a, he bought, he bought a cafe in Leicester. And like it was a proper like-

Called the garage. It was called the garage. Fully assimilated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's full assimilation. When you said they were called the Raj and Taj, my first thought was Rod and Todd Flanders. Raj and Taj, please.

Well, that's amazing. So you've got, you know, family, family history and food. Yes, very much in my, it's very much in my blood. And like, it's one of those things that I think, if pushed my cousin and I, and my uncle have always idly talked about the idea of opening a restaurant as being a sort of weird family dream. What kind of restaurant would it be?

Probably Indian food. Probably. But we're just getting difficult now because the quality of Indian food, we've always had good Indian food in Britain. But at the minute, there's lots of really good stuff. And also there's quite a wide variety of Indian food available. Yeah, more fusion stuff as well.

More fusion stuff. High, really high end, like fine dining stuff as well. Which was always, was always the thing that they could never get right. Like high end, the good Indian restaurants were always the sort of authentic ones. So they're a little bit sort of down and dirty. And usually in areas where there were large

sort of population centers for the Asian community. In the last couple of years, there's a couple of restaurants in London, Jim Khanna and Trishna, that have really nailed high end. High end Indian food used to basically be tasteless Indian food. Like it was just tasteless Indian food in a nice bowl. And it was like the food was always garbage. But now they've got high end Indian food as well.

So I think it would be, it would be a challenge. But yeah, I mean, that would be a sort of idol dream of mine. What would you name it? Well, probably, I mean... Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. Yeah, I would call it Nicki Minaj. Well, Raj Tajan, then you mean Naj and Maj.

Yeah, I mean... Weird, annoyingly, when he did Maud Flanders with Arj, it would turn into Maj, which is the name. Yeah, I'd call it the Maj. Due to my love of the Simpsons and Indian food, I'd call it the Raj, the Taj and the Maj. MAJ. MAJ.

Lovely. The Raj and Keterin is one of my favourite Indian restaurants. I love it so much. Hometown. I think everyone's at their local hometown courier house that they just love. Yeah. And you take up a people there, being like,

I've got to take you to it. And then they just sit there going, this is the same as most places I've been to. But because it means more to you. Yeah, exactly. It's where you could have discovered all these dishes and grew up. Where I grew up in Reigns Park, the delivery we got was from the House of Spice.

Yeah. I always get from the House of Spice, absolutely delicious. And I thought, well, it's the House of Spice, that's the name for a restaurant, isn't it? It's like, oh, the House of Spice, that's a good name. And then I went to eat there once, and it's called the House of Spice,

because it's literally a house. So it's just, it's a residential road, and in the middle of these houses is an Indian restaurant called the House of Spice. Brilliant. I didn't know the restaurant, you could just put a restaurant in the middle of a residential road.

Well, but the first time, one of the first times I spent an extended period of time in Mumbai, my cousin took me to a restaurant that he said was a restaurant. When we arrived there, it was just a shack out the back of the Taj in Mumbai, which is the sort of famous all night hotel.

And it's called Badimiyaz, and it was this bloke who used to work in a restaurant, and he was the chef. And the owner of the building was basically like paying him quite a low wage. And he was like, look, everyone's coming here for my food, I want more money.

And the owner was like, no, they love the building. So sling your hook. So he, in one of the greatest pieces of trolling, before it was even called that, moved next door, bought a little shack. It's not even, it's not, there's no seating, it's a shack.

And he has two dishes, and he cooks food on the dishes, and it became the hottest restaurant in Mumbai. Amazing. And people eat off there. So when we went, we pulled up in my cousin's car, and this bloke came over,

and popped the bonnet, and put a Coke bottle down. And so it was a flat surface, and we ate off of that, like it was a dining table. Oh, that's amazing. That's so cool. And the food is insane.

Yeah. It is absolutely insane. I mean, it's got to be, if they're making you eat off your bonnet. Yeah. You've got to bring your egg in. And also there's this thing where like, I think it's probably,

it's because it's been around, it doesn't have quite the same, like, it's, the food is still amazing. But like, when it first opened, there would be all these like, Bollywood stars. Yeah, yeah. And sat on like,

picnic furniture in the street. And they just, they just, it became so popular, they just like, shut the street. You can't just, you just can't get cars down there now. Oh, that's so cool. But the last time I was there,

there was a dispute going on in an art gallery, and the two people were like, liked his food, that was pretty much the only thing they could agree on. So while the dispute was happening, he basically used the,

the abandoned art gallery, and they put a load of tables in there, and everybody was eating, and we were all being served there. Look, the food is ridiculous. First of all, Nish, can I get you, still or sparked in water?

Still water, please. Why? Because I, I, I don't feel the need to enhance the taste of water with the sensation of burps. Right. You very burpy? Again, I'm asking a question

that I know the answer to. I don't know why I'm trying to act like I don't know the answer to this. I'm very burpy, uptown and downtown. That's the name of your Christmas single. Do you know about it now? Yeah, burpy, uptown and downtown.

I'm very burpy, brackets, uptown and downtown. Sparkling water surely wouldn't cause downtown burpees. It might do, but I just, I find the taste of it really pointless. I enjoy a glass of water.

Yeah, no, I do not need it in heart. The only time I have sparkling water is when there's a tap that dispenses it, because I still regard that as low-level witchcraft. I don't like sparkling water, but when there's a sparkling water tap, that's really cool.

Yeah, I'm the same with the ice cubes out the fridge door. Yeah, oh, 100%. Even on a cold day. Yeah, it wouldn't normally, yeah, it's just straight in. Straight into that. I still have not nailed getting ice cubes

out the fridge door without getting them on the floor. I've not done it once. Every time I try and get ice cubes out the fridge door, I get ice cubes on the floor. Well, you've not nailed getting water out of the jug on this table,

because we arrived this morning and you went to pour yourself a glass of water and got, genuinely got quite a lot of water in the plug. Yeah, little tip for everyone. If there is a four-way adapter on a table surface

and you need to use a jug you've never used before, don't put the glass just directly next to the four-way adapter and basically pour water directly into the plug sockets. Also, Nish, pop it up, it's all bread, Nish!

Pop it up, it's all bread! What do you think I'm going to say? I don't know. Pop it up, mate. Yes, please. Pop it up, I'm not an animal, because I do love a bread. By the way, Nish,

I feel like I should point out, we asked this to everyone. Yeah. And it's always that choice. Do you ask it with that ferocity? Yes, I do. Right, fine. Okay, I do like a bread course,

especially when they... It did, the ferocity it was asked out to you did sound like some sort of immigration test. You say it quickly and then they'll say their first thought and then they say, Pop it up, they're out.

They're out, yeah. Some new post-Brexit hard-based immigration policy. Oh. I go Puppeloms just because I do like bread and I especially like the bread when they get the vinegar

in the middle of the oil, which I gain is the sort of thing that I love. That's a touch that I absolutely love. Is that witchcraft to you as well, the way the vinegar separates from the oil? Yeah, and also, it looks like a ghost.

It looks like the... Let me tell you something. It looks like a... What is it? They're the fantastic beasts. He turns into that monster. I don't know. I don't know.

You should take a more popular franchise. Tweet in the show. I don't think Ed's seen Fantastic Beasts and I lost interest in it. So, I'm not sure either of them. It's not a great touchstone for your balsamic. I'm fed up with it. Tweet in the show.

Let us know what that monster is. It's a fantastic beast. Can I also strongly recommend Tomato Balsamic? My girlfriend bought a bottle of it from a farmer's market where she was there on just generals or white lady business.

She was there on just some sort of white ladies convention at a farmer's market. Sure. And she got some Tomato Balsamic and it is delicious. Very nice. Really good stuff.

Well, you can have that. You can have that with your poppy-dums. The problem is that I go too hard on the bread and I find if I go too hard on the poppy-dums it doesn't affect me as much. Yeah. Okay. Is there any way

where you have had the best poppy-dums you've ever had? My... I feel like this is going to be the answer to a lot of questions but my gran used to make them. My gran used to make them. She doesn't make them any more largely because my mum was like,

these are so unhealthy. You cannot continue feeding them. But it's like, there's two different types. So the ones that you get in lots of Indian restaurants are like the flat, thin ones. The big discos. The big discos. And then there's the other ones

which are like filled with air pockets. And they're more like puris than the kind of flat ones. My grandma used to, when we were kids, used to fry about 20 of them and then just put them on a plate in the middle of the room and just leave them there. And it was just...

We were just constantly... And they would be dripping with grease. And they... As you... As they get fried, they fill up with pockets of air. So it's like, it's really... It's fluffy and crispy.

Amazing. Yeah, it's delicious. Absolutely delicious. We'll get you a plate of those. It brings us on to the starter, Nish. What would you like to start? So one of the things that I really associate... So this is going to be my first quite rogue choice.

Yeah, for Christmas. For Christmas. One of the things I really associate Christmas with is going to Leicester. When I was a kid, my grandparents lived in Leicester and there used to be... There was a pub called The Owl and the Pussycat

around the corner from where my grandparents' house was. And there must have been... I don't know why they did this on reflection. It must be some sort of like... A tax dodge. But they used to have a little shack out the back of the Owl and Pussycat where this Pakistani bloke used to cook kebabs.

And we used to go there and eat his kebabs. And that was the start of our Christmas holiday. It was like eating those kebabs. You've even had a lot of shacks out the back of place. Yes, it really is. He's a shackster. I'm a shack man. I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

I'm Shaquille O'Neal. I'm Shaquille O'Neal. He's Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah. And yeah, the shack kebabs are like the long thin ones. Right. And what meat do you eat? What?

Lamb. You see everything's lamb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was special about them? Why were they the best ones? You associated it with Christmas? Yeah, I associated it with my family, I think, more than anything else.

I think eating at Christmas time is one of the few times where I don't eat in restaurants. Right, yeah. At Christmas is one of the only times. It's a time for family. It's a time for shacks. It's a time for, yeah, it's a time for shack based family treats.

You have any sauce on this? Yeah, there's a tomato and mint chutney. Oh, it's making me so happy. I love a good chutney. Really delicious. Chutney is one of the, I did not like chutney as a kid, mainly because first chutney I had had raisins in it.

Right. I was like at the coleslaw for a bit as well. Anything when raisins is in it and it shouldn't be, I don't know, I don't like it. I don't like raisins in coleslaw either. Raisins in rice. Yeah, yeah. Real winds me up.

And I didn't like the raisins in that chutney, so I felt like I don't like chutney. Then you have a good tomato chutney. Yeah. Holy moly. Amazing. There's so many different types of chutney as well. Also, in the area of writing about food,

the Salmon Rushdie novel Midnight's Children is obviously a great book on a number of different levels, but it's a great chutney book. A lot of that book, surprisingly, given it's one of the most critically acclaimed texts of the late 20th century, a lot of that book is about making chutney. It does a really good job.

After he released that book, there was a fatwall taken out by the salsa industry. That guy just can't get anything right. Oh no, no, salsa doesn't like me. No, big salsa's up for me. I can't believe big salsa's on the hunt. I just wondered about chutney. I thought it was safe.

We have a Christmas in my house. We have a starter that, I've never met anyone who has this starter at the Christmas day. It's half an avocado with stones out, and then this prawns and garlic Mary Rose kind of sauce. Very, very traditional. Yeah.

Not Christmas necessarily, but very traditional, like 70s. Yeah. Is it really? Like Bernie Indish. Yeah, yeah. Really? That's where the stone should be.

You put that there. I mean, that sounds delicious. Some paprika on the top. Oh, really? Every Christmas we have it. Yeah. And like for years, I didn't, you know, I wasn't seeing this anywhere else.

Yeah. And then suddenly avocados came in again, and everyone was eating that kind of stuff. Yeah. I've never even heard of that. It sounds really good. Yes, the sort of thing you see in like, like a 70s cookbook,

the sort of stuff that fell out of favor, but looks really delicious. Yeah. Like the sort of thing you would have in like a, in a carvery or like that sort of British cooking. Right, okay. Oh, avocados. How harsh.

It's one of those Christmas things now that if my parents stopped doing it, me, my brother and sister would get really kicked off. We'd be so angry about it. Where's our goddamn porn avocados? Yeah. It's like why most people, if they're honest, have stockings way longer than they should.

Because like, first year your parents go, well, we're too old for them now. We won't do them. You could really kick off about it. It's the same with my grandma's Christmas ham. Go on. Every year, phenomenal massive gammon with just the right amount of fat on it and honey glazed.

And it's, but it's like, it's not honey glazed. Actually it's like brown, it's like this brown sugar glaze. They taste so good. And then one year she was like, oh, well, we're not coming down this year to see if Christmas Eve won't want a ham, will you? I can bring that ham.

Better bring that goddamn ham, grandma. You're not getting in the door. In the end, we managed to manipulate a situation where we could go and get a ham from them and bring it back. So my mum's tried to do the ham in the past and we both agreed it just doesn't have the same magic touch.

So did your grandma have made the ham at the house? Well, I mean, the pig, I guess, makes the ham initially. Yeah, full credit to the pig. Full credit, full credit to the pig. Respect to the pig. Yeah, yeah, respect to the pig. Everyone just point at the sky, take them over to the ham of the pig.

Hey, Boxing Day, everyone, respect to the pig. But did your nun make the ham at her house? Yeah, she made it. And then you collected it from her house. She made it at her house. I believe, I think we just got her to come down slightly earlier in the year for something else. And we're like, come down.

We'd love to see you. Clever. Or just send the ham. What do you start with in your Christmas dinner? It's because, listen, let's face it, Ed Gamble's mother and Gamble. Great lady. Great lady.

Also one of the, one of the great roast makers. She's a great roast maker. Didn't know that. Excellent, excellent roast. But I think everyone considers their mother to be a great roast maker. Sure. Didn't you say?

Yeah, mama makes good roasts. So our Christmas days. Suspicious silence from Nishko mother. Yeah, yeah. If Beena's listening to this, you're in so much trouble. Beena doesn't really sit there going, oh, okay. Beena did occasionally do a roast,

but like Beena's forte is in Indian cooking. Yeah, she's got the strength. She's, she's, she's an absolute wizard. She's, she's, she's really perfect today. Outstanding lamb curry that she's rocking a lot at the moment. I always want to, every time Nishko mentions something that is relatively cool, I'm like, please let me eat this, Nish.

I've been trying to get myself an invite to care of her for years. I mean, it's not like I'm hardly being subtle, Nish, jumping in. You could just pop round there, James. I mean, without wishing to give away too much geographical location, you live alarmingly close to my parents now. That is true, actually. I'm sure they'd welcome you with open arms.

Yeah. Anyway, we have ham for breakfast. You have ham for breakfast? Yeah. So we have the ham, fried eggs and toast. Your nan's honey, honey. So nan ham. Yeah, nan ham for breakfast.

Nan breakfast. With fried eggs and toast. Oh, great. Yeah. Delicious. Ham, fried eggs, toast. Normal sort of Christmas dinner, turkey, all the trimmings. Right.

But without a starter, because you've had the ham for breakfast. Don't have a starter, mate. Although, actually, not true. So we'll have our Christmas dinner at about three, maybe at around two, 145-2. We'll have little blinis with smoked salmon and cream cheese on them. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And a couple of glasses of champagne. And then three o'clock, big sit down. Yeah. Christmas roast. That's what they're called, blinis. Blinis, yeah, little pancakes. I misheard a thing recently.

Someone came out of my house and they bought some of them and made some up and I texted her and said, thanks for the blimmies. Just realized that. Thanks for the blimmies. Oh, I've only just realized that. I don't even get, she didn't even pull me up on it. Your salmon roof.

Thanks for the blimmies. B-L-I-W-M-I-E-S. Got it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got two feet into that. Oh, yeah. Thanks for the blimmies.

I'm very hard, hard and I've got even a blimey. To be fair, if I brought blinis to your house and then you said, texted me saying, thanks for the blimmies. I've been like, that wacky James A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People think I'm messing them out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the safety net. Thank God, people, your brand is weird. Yeah, yeah. It does mean that it covers a lot of your administrative thought process. Yeah. But I genuinely thought they were blimmies until Ed just said blimmies.

Oh, I just misheard it all night. So we have, we have blimmies and smacks. Christmas blimmies. Yeah, Christmas blimmies. Little Crimbo blimbo. Crimbo blimbo. So yeah, your Crimbo blimbo is then turkey and then Christmas pudding.

Right, OK. Full cheese plate in the evening. Right, it's happened. He doesn't like cheese plates. Oh, actually, I do like eating cheese and biscuits, but it's not in place of a dessert. And to be fair, you were having a Christmas pudding there, so I'll let that slide for you.

Yeah, thanks, man. He's pushing my buttons on your nose. Early doors. It's only the stars. He's pushing my buttons. Well, your main niche, my main course. OK. So the last few years, normally I'm in,

I'm often in India for Christmas, but when I'm here and I have a full whack Christmas dinner, my cousin normally makes Christmas dinner. And he insists on making goose, which everyone was a bit down on from the beginning, because you're like, let's have turkey. I'm here to tell you, I'm a goose convert. Christmas goose, absolutely delicious.

And so he does two big meat things. He does a goose, and then he does that. I think it's a Nigella Lawson recipe, the Coke soaked tam. Oh, yeah. Right, OK, yeah. Those two, that's your double whammy for your main course. And it is a Christmas, little Christmas miracle. Any secret with the goose?

Does he do anything in particular to it that's like? He cooks it for, I mean, I think the technical term is fucking ages. Fucking ages. Like it is in there for absolutely hours. Like, yeah. So I think it's something to do with whatever the temperature. Low and slow, yes. Low and slow, yeah.

But the Coke ham, which is another thing when he said to me, I was like, this is absolute nonsense. The Coke ham is delicious. Well, that was a big thing. I remember when the Coke ham started, everyone talked about it. Everyone was like, have you had this cake? Is it a Nigella Lawson recipe? I think it's Lawson.

Or it sounds popularized. Yeah, I think it was like that's when everyone started talking about it and it being this thing of like... Yeah. Because is it? But it's just sugar still. So it's just branding. Put this out, it was very trendy.

Right, okay. But it's just, I just don't... I just don't want my grandmother listening to this. Yeah, everyone's going around about the Coke ham. Best is just the brown sugar glaze. Because that's... So it must be... It's a cheap...

Presumably it's achieving the same effect. It's an easier way of achieving the same effect. Yeah, but you can call it Coke ham and be all trendy. Doesn't sound trendy, does it? No, Coke ham sounds like... Coke ham sounds like an unkind nickname for Piers Morgan. Please, this is a food podcast. Can we please not make this about your agenda?

This rivalry has got to stop between us first Morgan. Calling him Gammon. That's fine. It was... I mean, yeah, it's the sort of thing that I am instinctively against. And then when I take it... We know this. We're not on his side.

But as soon as you taste it, you're like... Yeah. ...to be fair, that is delicious. I've not had it, but I can imagine it works. Coke ham. Goose roast potatoes. Everyone pretends to eat the... Everyone pretends...

Well, no. He makes Brussels sprouts and he has this real thing where he's like, don't worry, because I... Because Brussels sprouts are like small hard farts. And he's like, oh no, not like... The way I make them is delicious. And you're like, yeah, that is true. The way you make them is delicious is because

he fries them with pancetta. Right. You're eating pancetta. You're eating pancetta. You're eating pancetta with an unpleasant aftertaste. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Also, a little inciting to Nish's mind there,

that he does think of everything in terms of farts. Yeah. How much is that going to make me fart? Yeah, that's what I'm going to call it. Brussels sprouts are disgusting, unless they're fried in. Yeah. It'd be much more popular if he had a big bowl of bacon. Yeah.

But the problem is, you're also having the... I mean, what can only be described as weapons to bait the Jewish and Muslim community, which is the pigs in black, like the sausages wrapped in bacon. Yeah, pigs in black. You're having those on the side as well. Yeah. So, I mean, already, you've got three meats.

I think if you whack a full bowl of bacon on there, it becomes unpalatable. Well, it's basically open sandwiches at that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he put bacon on the goose to cook it? No. So that's what Angambal will do. Oh, that's Angambal's move.

Cook the turkey for a long time with strips of bacon on the top. Oh, does the bacon get real? To keep it moist. And it goes so crispy. And then, like, the last half an hour, she'll take off what is now essentially a hat of bacon. Yeah. And put the turkey back into brown on the top a little bit.

But... What happens to that bacon? Well, that goes in there. Angambal's mouth performs so well. You wear it as a hat. So, yeah. You wear it as a hat while you're watching the Queen's speech. Yeah, I try to eat my own hat.

Bacon bits not? It's like the bacon equivalent of the foam dome. Yeah. So that'll happen. I'll eat the blimmies. And then... And then while I'm waiting still, because I've had a glass of champagne,

I'm feeling a little tipsy. I'll be eating the bacon hat. And then we'll sit down and then I'll eat a full meal. What do you drink with the full meal? Red wine. Red wine. Christmas, red wine. And I'm into the thing I'm in charge of for Christmas

is the cheese, sorry, James, and the wine. Yes, I've seen your wine order at Christmas, and it is positively Gallic. Well, quite often it's just me and my mum for Christmas, and she doesn't really drink red wine. So one would argue that sort of 16 bottles is too much. No, up in there when we're just celebrating, me breaking up with someone.

I've got to go to the shop for more. The burp of Christ. 16 bottles. Yeah, I remember your wine order when we... We had a Christmas party a couple of years in a row when we lived together. We did? And the wine order was impressive.

Yeah. It was really impressive. Do you remember what my one job was for the Christmas party food? Oh, I don't remember. It was chopping the bread. Chopping the bread. And the fact he calls it chopping the bread

will make you realise quite how good he was at that. I got taken off the tarts. Chopping the bread. Chopping the bread! Chopping the bread, Nish. I had one job, Goss Act. Yeah, one job that you didn't know the proper name of. Chopping the bread.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're like, Bruce Lee. Was grating the yeast. I don't know. I don't know your technical terms. Chopping it like you know karate. Oh, so it's sliced. Oh, expression is the best thing

since chopped bread. But you're a good laugh. That was your very job. I have a good laugh. That wasn't my job for the Christmas party. It was a great laugh. But yeah, you go hard with the wine orders. It was great.

Oh, yes. I think the worst thing in the world as a host is to run out of booze. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Which we never was a problem. Never a problem. Because you can always just,

when everyone's got a home, you've still got booze for a few. Well, that's the good thing. The other night, I ordered myself a Thai delivery. And I realized I didn't have any beer or wine in the house. I just had to eat it with a gin and tonic. Let me tell you, it does not work. Very interesting use of the term, had to.

Yeah. Had no choice but to make a gin and tonic and eat it with a Thai meal. That use is stretching the meaning of had to up to its absolute legitimacy. Well, what are my other options? Backed into a corner there. What are my other options?

Go to the shop or not drink. Some people would have tap water or something like that. Yeah. Or like a drink that isn't... And some people would have tap water, I suppose, if they were living in Victorian times. If they were a little mouse. Yes, that's a thing of the mice in Muppet's Christmas Carol.

Uh-huh. Yeah, but I knew you were. I knew you. You thought about Victorian times. Your brain went back to Victorian times. And all you can remember was the film of Muppet's Christmas Carol and the mice in the wall who seemed no Jesus for us mices.

Yeah. That's you, no Jesus. I absolutely love that. Every time we've had a conversation about Victorian England in your head, you're picturing Michael Caine and Kermit. No, yes, they were tough times, actually. So, you have turkey with a bacon hat. What's your main course for Christmas?

We've always had a different... It's a different meat every year. So, we've had turkey, we've had goose, we've had guinea fowl, we've had beef, we've had ham. Christmas beef. Yeah, we've done it all. So, it's been different every single year. I don't even know what we're having this year.

I mean, I should also give a shout out to my girlfriend's parents who are American and Canadian. For Thanksgiving, the turkey on Thanksgiving is impressive. Don't even talk about Canadian Thanksgiving at your girlfriend's house. Thank you. You know why? Every year, I want to get invited to this Thanksgiving party. Well, every single year.

But you don't want to get invited for the right reasons. I do want to get invited for the right reasons. But you want to get invited because Nish has to do a song there, right? That may or may not be part of the year. I want to see Nish sing a song. Is that so bad? Yeah, but you're not there for the spirit of Thanksgiving. You're there to laugh at your friend being earnest.

I'm giving thanks for Nish's singing. It's funny. You're there to see me and my girlfriend sing a song. Yeah, I'm giving thanks for bullying. Turned. Is Jordan taunted? I want to go so much. I made a leftover sandwich last year that I'm so proud of

that I put a picture of it on the internet. Oh, really? Yeah. It's every leftover you can imagine, but we're going... Nice white bread, toasted on one side, the inside. The inside, okay. So you get the experience of like a soft bread sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the toast. And the toast keeps... The toast this side keeps in the moisture. Right. I think I maybe want a bit of mayonnaise, right? Yeah. Stuffing, pigs in blankets, turkey, cranberry sauce. And then I did a moist maker.

You did a moist maker like Rosgela? Yeah, I actually did a moist maker. I did a moist maker. Another slice of bread soaked in gravy. Soaked in gravy. In the middle. And then same ingredients. I think I may have put some, maybe some Brussels sprouts.

I definitely put parsnips and carrots in the next bit. More turkey, more stuffing. And then another half toasted piece on the top. How does it taste? What was the best thing I've ever done in my life? So the moist maker is actually... I don't know anyone who's actually tried the moist maker. Oh, it's amazing.

The moist maker for anyone who's not listening but does not know is something that Rosgela does in Friends. Gets him on sabbatical. Yeah, because he gets really angry because someone eats his sandwich. But I'm going to try it now. Because I always thought just a funny little line in Friends and not a real thing. Imagine a gravy soaked slice of bread in the middle of a sandwich.

Great. Yeah. Can I just draw attention to the behaviour of our friend Joe Williams? Because we once went to a Friends-themed Christmas party. I obviously went in costume as alternate reality chandler. Yeah. Yeah. Backwards baseball cap.

Yeah. Shirt and t-shirt. Yeah. And she decided to make one piece of food from the Friends' uvra. Yeah. Could have gone. Turkey sandwich with the moist maker. Yeah.

No. The trifle. Beef trifle. Yes. Yes. Yes, she made the beef trifle. The trifle. Yeah.

And I don't eat beef so I didn't partake in it. But everyone else did confirm it tasted like feet. Now normally we do a side dish. Yeah. Have you got one prepped for Christmas dinner? Roast potatoes. You've already got a lot of side dishes there. You've got to have roast potatoes with your Christmas dinner.

Is this cooked by the same person? Yeah, yeah. A Christmas. Did he make the best roasties? He makes excellent roasties. The roast, although the roast potatoes at American Canadian Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's house are also phenomenal. Oh yeah? Really phenomenal.

They give you enough energy to sing a little song? They give me enough energy to sing a little song. What did you sing this year? I didn't sing this year. I just played the guitar for my girlfriend to sing. James isn't sure I... Imagine if that's the year you went. And then she couldn't sing and you'd be livid.

The last two years I've just played the guitar. And who's request? At mine. But you wouldn't sing Dink's song together? Yeah, that's true. I would like to have seen that. What song was it this year though that you played the guitar for? It was the...

It was a Simon and Garfunkel song that... What is it? 125th Street? Oh, the... 50... 54th Street. I've forgotten the song. The Haylamp Post, what you know. Haylamp Post, what you know. Oh, our producer, the great Benito, would like to know why you sing your song.

Yeah, it's interesting that neither of you... I mean, this is the great Benito just doing his basic job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And seeing three people who all know what the story is and trying desperately to open that out to the listeners. Sure. They have... They do party pieces at American Canadian...

The open spot gig. No, not... Well, even more when you joke down. Just as we try to make it less obscure. For the listener, when we... Tom Webb goes... For the listener, when we started out in stand-up, a comic called Tom Webb ran an open mic gig called Party Piece.

And now he spends every Thanksgiving with his girlfriend. Just introducing people. I cannot emphasise. It's nice to look in Ben's eyes and see the phrase, this is going to get cut. I never look at him because that faces there a lot. They do party pieces at American Canadian Thanksgiving, so you can do something, but it can't be related to your job in any way.

It just has to be... Well, you could do some comedy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that really... Oh, it's not related to your job. Oh, okay, yeah. I'll just point out, there probably wouldn't be a bit of a buzzkill if Thanksgiving didn't get up and shout angrily about Brexit.

So, yeah, people do... People sort of play games. People do readings. And I'm not normal. The thing is, if you let me go and I'm invited, I can't just sit there and laugh at you. I have to do something as well. Yeah, yeah.

So, it's not like I'm, you know... But also, you know, if you invite James, you have to invite me as well. Yes, I know. Yeah. Yeah. But I would do a little party piece. Listen, I can't just... I'm not in a position to just invite,

start inviting people to Thanksgiving. Well, then we'll have our own Thanksgiving. Uh, you know, the pilgrims invited the Native Americans. Yeah, and how did that end for the Native Americans? But that's us, right? Yeah. When the ones being invited, I'm happy to take that risk.

I don't think you know enough about the history of Thanksgiving to me. That's because I've never been invited to Thanksgiving, Nish. Maybe I know more about Thanksgiving than people who've been invited to the parties. But as it is, I'm happy to wing it. Why don't you ask my girlfriend? You do know her. I've asked her.

What did she say? She ignores it. Ignores it and she carries on doing whatever we're doing. She knows. We've been talking about, she ignores it and moves on. She knows what's going on. And she's like, I haven't even said it. I'll come along and do some juggling.

You can't juggle. I can. Well, no, I can't. Fucking learn something. So roast potatoes on the side, do you know how they're cooked in what in particular? Oh, my cousin does them in the goose fat. Yes.

That's how that's how it gets crunchy. My girlfriend's mum makes very nice roast potatoes as well. And it's been since revealed to me that she uses Michael Cain's recipe. What? So he did an interview for a national newspaper where he revealed his perfect way of cooking roast potatoes. And a lot of people have taken that on as how to cook them.

So it's to do with like, I think also Delia has a similar way as well, but you parboil and then shake, really shake about. So you make them really fluffy on the outside. Right. I think it's something to do with the surface area. So more fat can cling on and they can be even crispier. Right.

If there's like flakes coming off at the side and stuff. Right. And then cooking them in goose fat. Wow. You know, I'm paraphrasing Michael Cain there, but you know, that's... You're only supposed to cook the bloody tatas. That was, it was going so well, I was so on board with it as a premise. And I thought, initially it's going to nail this,

it's going to be like a little pun, like a semi-pun at the end that it's going to be perfect. But you went with, you're only supposed to cook the bloody tatas. A drink for the gentlemen. I will be drinking a, a glass of Malbec with my dinner. Up top. There they are. Yeah.

The red wine boys. First time that's happened on this show. The boys. The Malbec brothers. Yeah, they come. The Malbecums. Victoria and David Malbec. Posh and Malbec.

There they are. It works. It's posh. Yeah. It works. Posh and Malbec. Posh and Malbec. Perfect.

I love it. And like on Christmas, there's often, I'll have a, you know, some sort of Prosecco thing. Before the meal. Before the meal. Yeah. Before the meal. But then, yeah, red wine with the meal.

And then, immediately after the meal is finished, quite a strong coffee to prevent me from immediately falling asleep. Yes. And I imagine that has other effects as well. Yeah, yeah, it clears the, clears the system. Yeah. Yeah. It's quite a strong coffee.

Oh, as you call it, a swift dump. A swift dump. That's how you think of everything. A panic dash. Do you not want to fall asleep directly straight after Christmas dinner? I quite like that. Because like, normally, if I'm here, it's a sort of opportunity,

my sort of extended family's there. And so, it feels slightly antisocial to, I mean, my cousin often goes and has a nap, but nobody really says anything to him because he's been doing all the cooking. Sure. But very often, you know, that's the time you want to be having some sweet chats.

My grandad just goes to sleep straight after Christmas dinner. And to be fair, we were all very angry with him. Yeah. Yeah. Me, my brother and sister, a bit. Grandad, I'm going to sleep now. Well, it's Christmas day. We've been through Christmas.

And he would take ages to get ready in the morning, and that would make us furious. We've been waiting by the Christmas tree, all you want to do is open a present, all you can think about, and he's having a goddamn shave. Like, what are you doing? Why are you shaving? Like, where do you think we're going?

Clean for Jesus. Yeah. I started my own Christmas tradition a couple of years ago of having a run before breakfast on Christmas day, which is real run, not a run. Oh, I've always said a run. A Christmas run. Christmas run.

This wakes up, I said. Which does not go down well if people have to wait for their breakfast without having a run. Yeah, yeah. But it really sets me up for the day. I'm very hungry for the whole day if I go for a run. I'm very hungry for the whole day anyway. Yeah.

Very selfish going on the little Christmas run so that you're hungry all day. The only time I've ever slept after Christmas dinner is when I wasn't very well, and my grandma said, I've got these pills that really help if you've got quite a bad cold, they'll just help clear your head. She gave me a pill, and it just knocked me out.

Was it a whole honey glazed hand? It was a whole honey glazed hand. So, since then, we've had a running joke where we refer to her as a drug dealer. She does not enjoy. She would take that seriously. Yeah, she does not like it. It was also, it just came out of handbag

with her packaging, I mean. She just gave it to you loose. It was a loose pill. Yeah, my grandma roofied me. Merry Christmas. Yeah. Nish, we come to the dessert. As you know, what I refer to as the King's Meal.

Yeah. Well, I mean, you've never referred to it up until this point. As the King's Meal. Well, it is, that's what I call it. Please say you're going to have cheese, Nish. Nish, let me give you an advanced warning. If you say cheese for Christmas dessert,

I will kill you on this podcast. And for more here, we'll go to prison for it. I would, no, I don't have cheese. I don't have a cheeseboard after Christmas dinner. But to be, but you're also going to hate this. What I have for Christmas dessert is what we all have, which is a grudging piece of Christmas cake. I do not like Christmas cake.

We have it every year. No one ever eats it. We only have it so we can set fire to it. We only have it for the fire bit at the beginning. Are you setting fire to the cake? Oh, sorry, Christmas pudding. Sorry, Christmas pudding. I would absolutely love it

if your family misunderstood the tradition. And set fire to Christmas cake every single year. That would make my blimmy's foe par look from a very small comparison. Wait, what is Christmas cake? Because I'm not sure I've ever had it. Okay, it's a cake? Yeah.

But it's like very dense. Doesn't have to be covered in, the one I have is not covered in marzipan and icing. Okay. Is this your life saying that you have Christmas cake? Dense, fruity cake. No, I wouldn't have that for pudding. It's too dense.

Because Christmas pudding. Pudding is very dense as well. I love Christmas pudding. Do you love it? I absolutely love it. I've come around to it in 90 years, you know, as long as you've got Brandy Butter. Brandy Butter and custard at the same time.

That's what I have on it. But again, this is, I believe custard to be the pancetta to Christmas puddings, Brussels Sprouts. I think whenever I've enjoyed Christmas pudding, it's because it's been absolutely drowned in custard. And I think what I actually wanted was a big bowl of custard. I think we found the first slogan for our merch on the front of the t-shirt.

I believe custard to be the pancetta to Christmas puddings, Brussels Sprouts. Yeah, yeah. That's a catchy slogan. Yeah, put that on there. So don't have it then. This is a dream restaurant. You don't have to have Christmas pudding.

So what I would really love is a pudding that no longer exists. One year when I was here, and I'd been to my parents' house for Christmas, I then came back into, back to central London. And in between Christmas and New Year's, I had a peach cobbler at a place called Jackson and Rye. Yes.

And they don't do it anymore. And it was, it's my favorite dessert. And I've stopped going to that restaurant. Yeah. I refused to eat there until they reintroduced the cobbler. It was a peach cobbler, and they used to have vanilla custard with it. Yeah.

And it was so goddamn delicious. Yep. I've seen you eat that cobbler. Yeah. I've never seen you eat the cobbler. I absolutely love that cobbler. He loves it. I've seen you eat that cobbler.

He was so happy about it. He was talking about, you know, when someone is on their way to a place to eat. Yeah. And instead of just like, they're so excited about what they're going to have, but they can't just talk about normal everyday things. Yeah.

All they can talk about is the cobbler. So all he was doing was walking through London, talking about the cobbler, and how much he loves the cobbler. Yeah. And then he sat down and ate it, and there was, in no way was it an anti-climate toy. It was exactly, it's as good as you always remember it.

Yeah. Yeah. But the saddest day was when it, because it was close to refurbishment. Yeah. And then it opened again. I know. And then he was like, let's go.

Yeah. It's back. I remember going in with you, and they didn't have the cobbler anymore. And instead we just sat at a table and had some drinks, and there was a table near us. I think it was quite loud. Yeah.

So like the whole vibe of the place had changed, and it was a sad day. It was a sad day. Did you ask them about the cobbler? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, but immediately.

Yeah. They said, oh, we've changed the menu around, and I was like, well, why don't you change this menu to say, go fuck yourselves? Yeah. But it was, yeah. Because like one year after.

A strong reaction. After. After. So when you say you don't go there anymore, is it because you're back? Yeah. Yeah. I'm allowed there.

And they've started doing the cobbler again. I love it. This is really good. But yeah, one Christmas, we, I was back, I'd come back from spending the time with my family, but in between Christmas and New Year's, and New Year's Eve, we had dinner at Jackson and Marae, before we went to some New Year's Eve parties,

and I ate the cobbler, and I was like, this is the greatest New Year's ever. I love the cobbler. It's dynamite cobbler. Dynamite. What set it apart from other, like, is there something that, have you had other cobblers before?

I've had a couple of other cobblers, but not in America. I think this is the problem, is that I haven't had a cobbler in America. Cobbler's like a sort of deep South dessert. It's a very like, yeah. It's a very American dessert. But so I think I need to,

I think I've not had the real stuff. Cobbler is like, how would you describe it? Well, it's almost like a crumble, but with a different topping, right? It's less crumbly. So I imagine like a crumble, that is just like that topping as like, more of a rock face than a sandy beach.

But it's like, it's sort of like a soft cake. It's kind of somewhere between a cake and a crumble, yeah? A cake pastry crumble. That's right, yeah. That's what it is, yeah. And then the piece of fruit underneath it. Stewed fruit, like. Peach, delicious peach.

Absolutely amazing. And then the vanilla custard is the like, that's an example where it's like the equivalent of putting pancetta on just, Brussels, no, no, no. Because it's good already, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like putting pancetta on bacon. It's like bacon fried pancetta.

Yeah, sure. It's delicious. That's the back of the t-shirt. Everything is delicious. It's like bacon fried pancetta. And then the picture of it. Custard on peach cobbler is like bacon fried pancetta. It's the most, it's, everything is delicious.

Made with real vanilla pods, the vanilla custard. I didn't ask. Is there black beets in it? Yes, there were black beets. Yeah, that is made with real vanilla pods. Always got to use the real pods, delicious. Absolutely delicious. What a dessert.

Oh, man. Because I mean, it's a, you know, because it is good to have a Christmas dessert, but like Christmas pudding is like, I cannot get on board with it. The thing is, it's too fun to not do. And so every year that we did it, my parents were like, my aunt and uncle were like,

let's stop doing it. And then everyone's like, yeah, but at the beginning it's like, whoo. Yeah. I mean, you could just set a plate on fire. Is there anything on fire you wanted? But there's something really satisfying about the way it like, it's like, whoo,

it's on fire, but it's not on fire. Whoo. It is on fire. It is on fire, but it's not, not in a bad way. I think you could do something about it. Seriously, you could replace it with a different, you could set fire to like an effigy of Pierce Morgan. Yeah, Merry Christmas.

And all. Just eat that bundle of sticks. All the rejoice in it. It's pretty cruel, Nish, for your dessert to, you've described it so eloquently and you've painted a real picture and I can almost feel like I can taste it, but it's been discontinued.

It's continued. Well, now you know how my, now you understand my pain. You've given everyone your curse of the peach cobbler. Yeah, exactly. And Jackson and I have not had the courtesy to put the recipe online. Some places do that. Right.

There's a place called Honey Trap in New Zealand in Auckland and they did the best beef brisket sandwich Oh yeah, I remember you talking about this. With this red cabbage coleslaw and these amazing pickles in them and then they stopped, they all shut but then they put the recipe online.

Yeah. So, me and my girlfriend at the time were able to have a go at properly making it a New Year's Eve. Well, I think Nish needs this peach cobbler. So, listeners, I want you to tweet Jackson and Rye. Yes, let's make this happen. Hashtag bring back the cobbler.

Bring back the cobbler. But not the Adam Sandler film. No, not that one. Oh, okay. Bring back Kumar's cobbler. Bring back Kumar's cobbler. And petition to rename it Kumar's cobbler. Yeah, so bring it back and put it on the menu.

They've got to name it Kumar's cobbler. We know, you're listening out there and we know you like to get involved. Tweet Jackson and Rye. Jackson in the traditional way and the traditional way. R-Y-E. Yes.

Jackson and Rye. Bring back Kumar's cobbler. It's based in London, Soho. Bring back Kumar's cobbler. Bring back Kumar's cobbler. The Twitter handle is at Jackson and Rye. Tweet them. Bring back the peach cobbler.

Bring back Kumar's cobbler. It's going to be really funny if, since I last went there and checked, which I did do periodically for a time, both now brought back the cobbler. But they've still changed the name. Yeah, changed the name to Kumar's cobbler. If it's back on the menu. Yeah, great, thank you.

Making change to the name of Kumar's cobbler. Yeah, that's fair enough. Jackson and Rye, tagging off menu official as well. So we can get something going. A real Christmas miracle. Bring back Kumar's cobbler. Also, I think before, at this point in the podcast, I'll normally read your order back to you,

make sure you're okay with it. But before we do, I think, because it hasn't come up organically, but I think having you on this podcast, it would be a miss of me not to let you just vent about my Nando's order before we finish. It's food-based and Nish really hates my Nando's order. Your Nando's order?

This fucking state of it. Yep, I'm not going to defend myself, I'm just going to let you go for it. Good Christ. Cheese and pineapple? Yep. Cheese and pineapple? It is goddamn wrap.

It's a wrap, yep. Cheese and pineapple in a wrap? For me, getting a wrap at Nando's is unforgivable. Getting a wrap at Nando's can already go fuck itself. Well, how are you going to make it even worse Nando's order when you've already got a fucking wrap? I don't know, I'll pop some goddamn lemon and herb chicken in there. I've got lemon and herb.

Sometimes medium. Always medium. No, sometimes it's lemon and herb if you have a gig after. No, that's not true. Medium always, if I've got a gig. Fine, medium chicken, or as I like to call it, whitey plus. He's ordered whitey plus heat. She's put it in a fucking wrap.

It's crazy. And then he's added, oh, let's put some cheese in there. Nando's is famous for its dairy products. That's already, if you don't mind me saying, an abomination against God and man. But then to put the liltest of all the fruits. A trip to Hawaii. To put goddamn pineapple in your goddamn shitty wrap.

For eff me. The liltest of all. Eff me in the A. So you would like still water to stop. Some pappadoms, maybe your grandmother. Thank you. You would like some lamb kebabs from the- Alan the pussycat.

Alan the pussycat. The shak out the back of your head. The shak out the back of your head. The shak out the back of your head. You would like some goose cooked by your cousin with the coaxote ham as well. Yep. Roasted potatoes on the side.

Yep. You would like a glass of malbec. Yep. Fish and malbecs. And you would like the Jackson and Rye kumas cobbler. Bring back kumas cobbler. Bring back kumas cobbler. That sounds like a delicious Christmas meal.

It sounds fantastic. It was, I mean, it's like, it really, our family dynamic has changed a lot. Because when I was a kid, my grandmother used to make a turkey and a full pork curry. Right. For my dad and uncle.

Because they said it would, quote, block them up for a month. If they had to eat a full turkey. And so they, my grandmother would genuinely make them a pork curry. And they would like have one spoon full of turkey and be like, mmm, delicious. And my grandmother's Christmas pork curry

was pretty impressive stuff. Oh yeah. Thank you, Nish. Thank you very much, Nish. No problem. Merry Christmas to you. Merry Christmas to us all. Season's greeting.

Season's greetings. Bring back kumas cobbler. Oh, ho, ho. That was Nish Kumar on the off-menu podcast. What a delicious Christmas meal. What a delicious Christmas meal. What a lovely guest. It's a pleasure to have him here.

And I feel like we should plug his tour because he was such a nice Christmas boy. You talk about his tour that's called, it's in your nature to destroy yourselves. I am. Well done, James. You didn't need to learn that before we started recording at all.

So that starts on the 25th of January. All around the UK. Do not miss it. Why is it at the top of this game, this boy? But even more important than plugging his tour is to get kumas cobbler back on the menu at Jackson and Rye. Hashtag bring back kumas cobbler. Tweet at Jackson and Rye.

Do also tag in at off-menu official, which is our Twitter handle, because it might get confusing. Feel free to also explain maybe what the tweet's regarding. So we'd like to see the peach cobbler back on the menu. Yes. Hashtag bring back kumas cobbler

because otherwise it would be very confusing for the person who runs the Twitter account at Jackson and Rye. Maybe you want to tag, maybe you want to say, hey, we'd like to see that peach cobbler back on the menu and so would niche kumas. Yeah, do it. We're going to get that, we're going to get that goddamn cobbler back on the menu.

For now, I'm also on tour at around the same time I start at a similar time as niche. So if you've got to buy one ticket, niche is very good. But edgambler.co.uk is where you can, if you've got a bit of spare cash. Yep, I'm on tour next year. Nice boy.

Yeah. Merry Christmas. James does his own PR. Merry Christmas. Subscribe, write a nice review, and we will see you in the new year for another off menu podcast. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu,

where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread, I'm not going to spoil in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north, because look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News, we'd love you to listen to.

Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy. Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog you've left it so late.