Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 40: Kumail Nanjiani

Episode Date: November 20, 2019

It's the last episode of series two! And what a treat we have for the season finale: Kumail Nanjiani – star of 'Silicon Valley', upcoming Marvel movie 'The Eternals' and the Oscar-nominated 'The Big Sick' – closes the series with his emotionally-dead meal.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Kumail Nanjiani on Twitter @kumailnFollow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. If it was on a curry menu, it would have three chilies after it. Bam, bam, bam. Three chilies, really hot. My name's James A. Caster. Or even three fire emojis, James. I'm Ed Gamble. How are you today, Ed? I'm all right. Thank you, mates. Go on. I want to do today. Go on. I want to ask you, guess, what their favorite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink ever is? You get the small talk out of the way quicker and quicker and quicker every episode, James. Well, Ed, if I wanted

to chat to you, I'll just be your friend outside the podcast. That's true. That is true. Yes, we are asking a special guest all their dream menu components and who, James, is our special guest today. We have Camel Nangiani. Camel Nangiani, fantastic comedian, actor, screenwriter. Oh, he's done it all. You may have seen his movie, The Big Sick, which he starred and co-wrote. He was in one of my favorite newer sitcoms on the scene, Silicon Valley. Silicon Valley, very, very big, very big sitcom. Everyone loves it. And now he's going to be in a natural Marvel film. Very exciting. It's no secret he's going to be in The Eternals. Very exciting. Oh, man. This is our first Marvel actor, first person from the MCU. I think so. Oh, I don't know.

Do you think it is? Yeah. Oh, maybe Nish. Oh, maybe Nish. I think Victoria Corrin Mitchell was Captain Marvel, wasn't she? She was, actually. Victoria Corrin Mitchell was Captain Marvel, and she beat the bad guys by throwing a plowman at them. Yeah. So he's our second Marvel actor, but no less exciting. However, we still will kick him out if he mentions the secret ingredient. Absolutely. I'm sorry about that. And the secret ingredient that we hate this week is star anise, James. Disgusting. Oh, excuse me. I'd like to add some flavor to my meal. Oh, I'll just put this piece of wood in it and then not remove it. Yeah, but it looks like a star. So, yes, that's nice. Yeah, like a ninja star. It'll cut your mouth open. Yeah, not like a lovely,

lovely Christmas star that you put on the top of a tree and makes you feel happy. It's like a Christmas tree. Yeah, like eating the tree instead of the star. So if Camille mentions star anise, he is out of here. It breaks my achy, breaky heart. But for now, here is the off menu menu of Camille Nagiani. Welcome, Camille, to the dream restaurant. Hey, thank you for having me. Oh, welcome, Camille Nagiani, to the podcast. Oh, thank you so much. Oh my God. So, that's spectacle. Much more enthusiastic. Well, James is a genie waiter. Okay. Is what you really need to know. Now, I'm very, I'm welcoming you at the door of the

restaurant. Why did the genie waiter break the illusion that it's a podcast? Like, why did he do that? That's a very good point. And that's something we've never really discussed. I didn't know that the podcast was an illusion. Well, there's the illusion of the dream restaurant. The restaurant is the illusion. The podcast is the reality. Yes, both of real, actually. No, but I think what Camille's saying is within the illusion of the restaurant, the genie exists. So the genie shouldn't exist within the podcast reality, only within the restaurant illusion. Genie shouldn't know it's a podcast. It's a fucking 1MCU movie. And he's breaking it.

Genie is in the restaurant realm. Yes. But I think, I know, no, no, no. The genie knows it's a podcast. The genie, why, okay. Genie knows. Obviously, the genie knows. I feel like the genie kind of shouldn't pretend to know. I should keep it a secret. Yeah. Not a secret, but go along with the fun of, oh, we're at a restaurant. Yeah. I don't know. But genies can't lie. Did you know that? This is not canon. No, this is canon. This is not part of genie lore. So which one of us is a genie? I'm from the land of genies. Genies can't lie. Can genies can lie, I think. No. We need to pick the right question. What is it that you ask people when they say they can't lie? My brother would say no. Is that? Oh, yeah, that we need another one there. Yes.

Genies can lie. What about when Jafar turns into a genie? That guy can lie, right? No, you're getting confused with the mask. No, Jafar turns into a genie at the end. Jafar turns into a genie at the end. How can you be a genie and not know the very few genie-based pop culture? I like talking about him. He's a black sheep. Because he lies? Yeah, because he lies all the time. That's not genies don't like liars. So you guys are choosing to not lie. It's not magic that's preventing. It's not like liar, liar. Yeah, it's not like lie, liar. We haven't been lie, liar. We always swear on the genie Bible at the start of becoming a genie. There's a code of ethics. I see. Well, there's a guy in

lie, lie. He goes green halfway through the film, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah. Just an ex-employee coming for his back pay. What should I say? Pay back. Do you remember that? Do not. That's when Dorian has the mask on and he's the bad mask. Who's Dorian? He's the bad guy in the mask. He's the bad guy in the mask. And then at the end, Cameron Diaz tricks him to take the mask off by going, it's like one last kiss. He's like, there's almost time for one last kiss. And who's the actor playing Dorian? I forget. Zed from Pulp Fiction. He's like, he's really handsome in a very manly way. Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead, baby. Oh, wow. He's the bad guy. He's the bad guy in the mask. Those are the two roles he had, I think. No, are you guys as into Son of Mask? This is not the

part. This is not the rest. No, sorry. The genie also is basically IMDB as well. So any question you want to ask about cast lists? I can't lie about it. But I want to make it very clear to the listeners that genies and any mask creatures are not the same. Right, okay. So I don't want people getting confused listening to this and thinking that me and my fellow genies are like the mask and people and Son of Mask and people like Dorian. Are you guys then sort of looking down on the mask? Yeah, what's up with the mask people? They're part-timers. They're not part-time genies. I think you've misunderstood the mask. Oh, you're saying that you have to be genie 24-7, whereas these guys, they can be a genie and I'll be sorry, not a genie. They're not a genie. They can be a

mask girl. These maskies have magical powers. They can put the masks on and they can do things that it looks like genie stuff. If you watched Aladdin, Robin Williams' genie and you compared it to Jim Carrey's mask, you would think they're the same species. Oh, yeah, there are crossovers, aren't they? But they're not the same species. It's not the same. Yeah, very high energy. Yeah. Dancing, a lot of dancing. Impressions, maybe? A lot of impressions. We can sing, big musical numbers, but crucially, we're doing it for other people, genies are, and masks, maskies are mainly doing it for themselves. They're mainly selfish, even the good mask. But also, Jafar gets turned into a genie, which means that genies can also

be human and back and forth a little bit. Is that not true? Well, Jafar, as I said, I mean, you keep on... Yeah, but you don't remember this, but you've forgotten that bit of Aladdin, haven't you? Yes. At the end, they trick him into wishing that he becomes a genie. His final wish from the genie is to become a genie. Oh, and then guess what they do? Guess what they do? Put him in a lamp? Correct. Put him in a lamp. And seal the lamp up. At that point, then it's easy to connect to that. But yeah, people can only become genies that way if they wish to become a genie. That is the only way. You can't just become a genie any other way. Yeah, that's just... And James isn't that sort of

genie. There are no other wishes other than food-based ones. Got it. Love it. I'm just a food genie. Okay. You like food, do I? I have a very... I think about food more than I think about anything else, and it's every single day. I wake up in the morning. I go to bed at night. I decide what I'm going to eat all day the next day. The next day I wake up, I review the plan, and I'll sort of call an audible if I need to. You know, I'm not locked in. I'm fluid. I'm flexible. But I think a lot about food, and before I go to a restaurant, I've already seen the menu and decided what I'm going to... How far in advance? Sometimes days. Three to four days in advance, and then I'll sort of revisit the... It's obsessive. I'll revisit my decision every day, and then if I go there,

and the menu's slightly different, I'm very upset about it. That's annoying when that happens. I hate that. Yeah. How flexible are you? Would you plan something three to four days in advance, and then when you get to the restaurant, if you see them bringing out another dish for another table and it looks good, will you go for that or will you stick rigidly to your decision? I will probably stick rigidly to my decision and then be filled with regret and not getting the thing that other people get. Emily will go to a restaurant. Emily, my wife, who you guys have met, and she'll look at the menu, and it's the first time she's looking at a menu. I cannot believe it. She has no plan, and she'll do this thing where... So I have my favorite restaurants I go to in LA,

and I will always get the exact same thing. Emily will go to her favorite restaurant, where she has her favorite thing. One of her favorite things is this green curry with fish... It's got a fun name, like Dragon Egg Green Curry or something like that. It's her favorite thing. It's top five all time. She'll go to the restaurant where they have that, the best version of it, and she'll just get something else. It makes no sense to me, but then every fifth or sixth time, she'll find a new favorite thing. Well, that's the thing. I think if you're going to a restaurant where you know they do your favorite thing, you believe in their cooking, right? So they must do some other

things that can be up there. Sure, but why take the risk? Why take the risk? Will she like at least a few times in a row get the same thing when she's just founded new dish she likes, or is it straight onto something else? Well, then she sort of has it in her quiver, that thing. She'll get different stuff almost every time. Do you pretend to be okay with it? No. I tell her it's absurd. What's the point of trying something and finding a great thing if you're not going to get it every single time? You pretend to be okay with it. That's not what our marriage is. Sure, sorry. You've got to tell her. You guys are experts in marriages? Yeah, yeah. Are either of you married? Nope. I've been married 13 years. I'm engaged.

I'm engaged. Any tips for it? Just communication. If she orders wrong in a restaurant, I'm going to tell her. Which she does frequently. It's best to impose your values onto them. Absolutely. And mold them, how you see the world, ideally, is how you then get them. This is what I've always thought, but it's good to hear a married guy telling me. Yeah, 13 years. It's going great. She agrees with me on everything now. Well done. Almost everything. This food thing, we're working on it. So I have a question for you guys. Can I do that? You can. Absolutely. So you guys both got a bunch of ice cream delivered to you? We did. We got loads of free ice cream delivered each. I'd say

two freezer trays worth. Yes. And how many flavors are we talking about? 20 different flavors, I'd say, because there were lots of little tubs from Jude's. Yeah, minimum 20. I think more like 25, maybe creeping up to 30. Okay. A lot of flavors. Yeah. So how are you guys approaching getting through the ice cream? Well, before we answer, I do not think our answers are going to please you. Okay. Because I don't think we've been as smart as we could have been. No, it's, there's no wrong. I'm not going to be upset. No, it's not a trap. I promise I won't be upset. So I don't know about you, Ed. The first thing I did was one of the things we got from Snowflake, July, they gave us a like, like a box of ice, where it's like,

each flavor is like one scoop each. So a little taste is of all their flavors. I saw the picture. It's like a sheet of ice cream with little boxes in it. Yeah. Like when you're picking paint, there's all different colors. Swatches. Yeah. It's swatches of ice cream. I began my ice cream adventure by having like a taste of each one of them. Oh, wow. Completely on board. So that's okay. Yeah. Okay. So I wanted to see what each one of those was like and tried them and really liked the raspberry sorbet personally as my favorite one. But I've not touched this. I've not touched this. What's your sheet yet? No. You're going to be really annoyed with what I've done. It's a slippery slope. Just so you know the sheet.

Because you do then basically just because it's all just so little, but it adds up. I ate quite a lot of cake based products yesterday because I was very hungover. And I thought I'll have a bit of ice cream with those things. And I've only one flavor from all of the ice cream we've got. What? Vanilla. Oh, you moron! Ed, if I was allowed to kick you out the restaurant, I would. Look, but it's really good vanilla. It's not in my... But I'm thinking get that out of the way and then I can crack on with the more exciting flavors. So you started with the least exciting one that you knew was going to be. And it's fine. It's still tasty. And you're hungover. Your standards are lower. You don't want to waste seeds. I want to be sharp

for the good flavors. We could die at any second, any of us. I knew what I'd just have the worst flavor of ice cream and then die. But I did have it with other stuff. So there was a lovely walnut cake I had yesterday and brownie. You know that that's the worst of the cake. It's delicious. That is my fiance's mum makes a walnut cake with caramelized pecan. It sounds terrible. It's so good to come out. I'm sure it's good. It sounds great. Walnut cake's great. Is it? You like it? No, it's not. If I'm going to pick, it's not top 10 cakes. No, not top 20. Sure, but you've not had this walnut cake. And I know that my fiance's mum listens to this podcast. I'd like to say shout out to your walnut cake. I'm going to back.

I'm going to back it till the day I die. Yeah, you got to. For a third easy life, you said it's nice. Which I hope is not tomorrow. I've had a lot of vanilla. Hello. Ed's fiance's mum. Your walnut cake sucks. And I'm somewhere in the middle. It's not my favorite, but hey, I like it. And I also had a Halva brownie yesterday. So I thought the vanilla would go very nice with that. Well, here's the thing that's interesting that you guys have with British cuisine. I've noticed that we don't have as much as there's a lot more influence of international foods that then gets incorporated into traditional food. So you'll see like Halva in cakes or you'll see a lot of like rose flavor and stuff. In America,

it's not that common. Like you guys incorporate like tahini into desserts a lot. Like it's fairly common to see like Middle Eastern flavors, Indian Pakistani flavors in traditional British sweets. And there it's really not as common at all. It's like pretty separate unless you go to a specific fusion place and those are generally not great. But then it's most of your... Actually, I don't know. Is that like all across Britain, do you think? Yeah, I don't know. Obviously, we live in London. So we're little London boys, which we get some flak for, which is so enough. If we're talking about London too much. But yeah, obviously, it's a larger melting pot of communities in London. So it feels like... Yeah. And the food seems quite sort of... Yeah. Yeah.

So I don't know if that... Yeah, that's the case. We definitely have the attitude there of like some people are like, I don't... I only eat American food. I don't eat tacos. I don't want weird stuff in my dessert. And that's definitely a pretty common stance, I would say. That's sad. It's very sad. It's very upsetting. I had an argument with a friend of mine who was like... And a pretty good friend of mine who was like, the only good food is American food and maybe Italian. He's like... I was like, Thai food? He's like, I would never eat Thai food. I was like, he's never... Who is this guy? His name is Joe DeRosa. He's a comedian and he... Joe DeRosa? Yeah. I've met Joe DeRosa. Yeah. We didn't get onto food because otherwise...

So here's what I was going to say, how I would approach eating the ice cream, which is a combination of both your approaches. What I would do, because I thought about it when you sent me the pictures, I would... I'll send you my pictures. Yeah, sure. I was very upset. I would take a bite of every single flavor, very small bite. I would sort of rank them in my head from best to worst. And then I would eat them in reverse order. So I would start with the worst one, finish it, and then work my way up to the best one. Now, again, Mr. Flexible, maybe someday I'll be like, I want to try the maple, whatever, even though that's higher on the list. I'll skip a couple

and get to that. So that's what I would do. How would you feel though, if you eat the first one, which is Yuli's favorite, and then you're eating the second one, and then a man comes in and shoots you? If I get killed by a man in my home while eating ice cream, the flavor of the ice cream I'm eating is not going to be my biggest complaint. But you just lay there, die and go, I wish I tried that. Definitely not. I should have just eaten that flavor. If it was James, as the man came in and lifted the gun, he'd be diving to the freezer to get the flavor. Wait one second. You can kill me, but I don't know what I'm talking about. All I have is walnut cake. Shit.

So we always start come out with a still sparkling water. It's your choice at the start of the meal before we bring everything out. What's your preference? It changes all the time, but I'm going to go with still because it's a nice neutral water, and it won't, for me, get in the way of this, these amazing flavors I'm going to be tasting. So I'm going still, still water. So that implies that the sparkling water will get in the way of the flavor? It's an experience, and I'm really looking for, to me, drinking sparkling water is something where I'm really looking for nothing when it comes to water for this particular meal. So you almost want to prepare the mouth, not excite the mouth?

I'm not looking to excite the mouth with water. It's too much personality to spark the mouth. Too much of an event. Too spicy. Too much of an event. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want like, yeah, I want my water to be completely default, normal, room temp even. I don't want any eyes. You don't even notice it's in your mouth? No, it's just so that, just to, you know. Do you want us to like, we could hook it up to a drip? Yeah, maybe an IV. So you just hydrate me and water. Yeah, and then it doesn't go anywhere near the mouth. You don't have to, oh yeah. Or we could just spritz it into the air so it just sort of absorbs through the skin?

No, I don't want to spritz, because then I feel like I'm sweating, and I'm going to be sweating through this meal anyway. Are you a sweater? Am I a sweater? If I eat spicy food, and I love spicy food, even if it's slightly spicy, I start sweating profusely, even if it's well below my threshold of spice. But I start sweating immediately. Emily said that I should have a reality show called Sweating in Restaurants with Camels, right? And it's just me going to very spicy restaurants. I would watch that. Yeah, I would totally. It's not pleasant to watch a man sweating. Like, well, I don't know. I think there are shows where someone eats a spicy thing, and you're like, yes. You could be one of the new Jackass boys. I'm a Jackass boys. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't do a,

I couldn't be a Jackass. You could be on Jackass, you could be sweating, and then there'll be, but it's no, but it's just, I think it's just Camel, I think, by the whole franchise, and it's Camel's just the new Jackass. You don't think like Steve Owen Bam would be there puking up while you're looking at what you're sweating? It's sweating so much! And all that. It is going to be pretty gross, so they might be sweating about it. Yeah. Okay, so that's a good insight into what we're about to hear. So we might have a sweaty man on our hands by the end of this. You're definitely going to have a sweaty man.

In the Dream Restaurant, you can wear whatever you like as well. So if you want to wear anything specific that helps with the sweating. I'm also looking for a very, if I can wear anything, I'm going to wear something very neutral and comfortable. Again, I don't want the clothes to be part of the experience. You don't want any clothes that you're going to look down, you're like, I'm so jazzy today. Yeah. You just want to, or anything uncomfortable. I want clothes I can barely feel. A gown? A gown? I'm wearing pajamas. Well, if you want to be naked in the best part, we won't stop you. I'm not going to be naked. That's, that's due to, also then we need to talk about the chair. What kind of chair you have?

Can we look at a chair that you cover? Do you want to have this whole meal in a flotation tank? Yeah, a sensory deprivation tank would be ideal. So it's just the taste of the food. So all you've got is the food. We can sort that out. No, I want like a dimly lit restaurant. Even though a good, you can tell a good Pakistani Indian restaurant, at least in America, by the lighting. The lighting has to be terrible for it to be good. It has to have like hospital lighting, fluorescent white lighting. That's how you know it's good. Yeah. So that's what you want us to get the fluorescent lights out. But not in this place. No, I want, I want a dimly lit restaurant. Okay. Dimly, a dimly lit restaurant. Dimly lit and you're wearing pajamas. I'm wearing

pajamas to some candles, but yeah, not, not every table gets a candle. We put you up to a water trip. Oh, and I'm hooked up to a water trip and I've got a wall to my back. So I'm in the corner of the restaurant. So at the moment, it sounds like you're in a hospital cafeteria. Sounds good. Are these pajamas with no back? Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just a little, yeah. And I'm wearing those plastic slippers. Yeah. I'll get you all those. Easy. Pop it up to a bread. Pop it up to a bread, Kamal. Pop it up to a bread. Bread is just more versatile. Oh, for this meal? For this meal? Oh, I'll get pop it up. Yes. Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah, generally, you know, if I'm giving up one for the rest of my life, but that's not the question. That's not the question. We're not making you

give anything up. I'm getting pop it up. For many more in particular, is there the best one you've ever had? Oh, no, I don't think the only time pop it up aren't good is when they're stale. I think as long as they're fresh, pretty good. Yeah. And there's so many different kinds, you know, there's like the thin ones, the thicker, cracklier ones, there's many different kinds of pop it up. But then you wouldn't have a preference between those ones? Because this is meant to be the best meal you've ever had? Whichever kind you want. I want definitely the really thin, yellow ones, which I consider sort of the basic default pop it up. Yeah. I want most of those, because that's going to be the, but then I want a smattering of all the other ones so that I can,

I'll start with the basic one. And I don't mean basic as a, as any kind of negative thing. Sure. And then I'm sort of changing up the feel. Yeah. I'm changing up the. So where would you go? You're starting on the fin round, yellow one. Yeah. Where are we going now? I'm doing, oh, yes, go ahead. Sorry, I just need for the listener to let them know that James is sort of doing it like he's DJing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're sort of the popperdoms of the vinyl. And you're just moving them around. I'm a popperdom, DJ popper. I'm doing a lot of the basic ones first, until I've had my fill. And then I'm going to a thicker one, then the little round ones. And then I'm going back to, because now I've,

I'm hungry again for the basic ones. So I'm going back to the basic one. Back to the OG. Yeah. Because for me, it's always, this is why I asked you guys the ice cream question. If I have a plate with five things, I go in reverse order of what's the most exciting. Yes. So I'm ending with the thing I love the most. I think I got it from my grandfather. And so I'm making sure the last bite is the basic popperdom. So I'm finishing everything else and I'm saving that. So if you ever look at my plate, you'll know immediately what my favorite thing is and what my least favorite. I was, I was also taught to do that, mainly as a way of eating vegetables. So it was always eat, eat your vegetables first if you don't like them as much,

just so you've eaten them. And then you've got your thing you like best at the end. My grandma does the opposite. She was one of nine kids. So they used to bring the food and all the stuff used to go like so quickly. So you always eat the nice thing first. Prison rules. Yeah. Prison rules. Oh yeah. She grew up in prison as well. Yeah. Yeah. With only eight other. Like a workout. Like an Oliver. Yeah, exactly. Like an Oliver kid. Oliver kid? Yeah. Ed's name was an Oliver kid. Pickpocket. Oh, like an Oliver twist kid. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Oliver twist kid. Okay. Okay. Okay. Workhouse with all the other kids trying to get the pocket. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Quick fingers. Yeah.

Yeah. So you've got all of these different popperdoms. All separate or do you want us to do you a mega popperdom which has got all of all of them incorporated into one? Oh, wow. I do not want a mega popperdom. It looks like it looks like a pie chart. I don't want that. I do not want like a pizza with all every slice is a different. Yeah. But it is perfect. I don't want it. You don't want it. Because I don't like my food to mix at all. It has to be. Ideally, every plate I have is going to have like little sections. Yeah. Like prison rules. Like prison rules. Exactly. Exactly. I just don't want any of the food that's not supposed to mix mix because and I'm going to be vague here. I don't know who's listening.

There was a figure in my life who I didn't like who would get a bunch of food on a plate and mix it all up and eat it as a bite like like five or six different things mixed up into one bite. And I would watch and go I'm going to live my life the exact opposite way. So I like my food to be completely separate. Another rule I've set for myself because I've thought a lot about this. I got very stressed out about this podcast, which I'm sure a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone who care about it gets stressed about it. Yeah. Sure. I think Victoria Cohen Mitchell was stressed about it. No, she didn't. Disrespectful Victoria Cohen Mitchell. I hope you never meet her. Who's who's she? She'd wind you up, mate. She just she just winds up

people who like food. She chooses really plain things deliberately. Oh, what was her dessert? An apple or some shit. It was rice pudding, I think. Rice pudding. So, you know, it's nice to have someone who's you know, passionate. Come on, don't worry about it. So passionate. I set a rule because I was like, you know, I'm not going to pick bullshit like grandmother's biryani and stuff like that. I'm not looking to like tug at the hard strings or make him. This is about food. Yeah. And it's not about memories. Yes. And food I can get at restaurants. That's what I've picked because otherwise it gets all muddy and you know, I'm not here to. Yeah. I'm not here to move people. I'm here to pick the best food that I can get at rest. So that's

the rule I set for myself to eliminate, you know, bullshit like grandmother's biryani and stuff. Sure. We're living in a post-ratatouille world where everyone always wants to link it to memory. Oh my God. That's exactly right. Yeah. And you're cutting through that. Let's stop with this. Right. Right, right, right, right, right. You want to go back to before ratatouille, right? Before ratatouille, when food was food and not linked to some memory in your life. Pre-ratatouille, the only food film was Willy Wonka. That was about what you liked and having a good time. Yeah. It wasn't about like, oh, I used to eat this when I was a kid and now it's reminding me. Oh, I hate that stuff. Anyway. So this is going to be a completely emotionless meal just about the food itself.

With that in mind, let's have your emotionally dead starter, please. So this was, am I supposed to show my work? Is it? You can if, yeah, absolutely. I think we, yeah, we want to hit that thing behind it. Most people may be, it's nice that you have workings. Right. Do you know what I mean? So it's been very difficult. The appetizer has been the hardest thing for me to pick. Because I am generally not necessarily an appetizer person. Also, maybe first person on the podcast to refer to it as an appetizer?

Yes, I think so. Oh, what do you guys call it? Starters? Starter. But it's nice to hear you say it's nice that it's inside, it's a different approach. Yeah. Why do you think of them as appetizers and not starters? Because I feel like they're getting me hungry for the main thing. Interesting.

It's more, I guess that sort of speaks to how I think of them. I don't know. You're an appetizer would suggest you think it's before the meal starts. Right. Rather than the official opening of the meal. It's a runway. It's not the actual flight. So again, it's like the emotionally dead thing. Like starters, we're like, we're starting. It's exciting.

And you're like, this is the function of this is to get me ready. This is the preview, not the movie. This is still like, I don't want to, you know. So I'm not a big appetizer person. Good. Don't generally get them. I will, if very, very rarely, because I want to get to it, you know. I'm here to see Joker.

I don't want to know about other shit that's coming up in three months. So every now and then I will order a soup, but it's pretty rare. Yeah. And so I did consider soups and I dismissed them because I was like, if I'm picking my favorite meal, soup's not really going to be part of it. I like texture. Not that soup does not have texture, but it's not the texture that I associate with. Soup, absolutely not.

I'm so glad you didn't pick soup. Yeah. Soup is not a good start. That's another little Ebony's a Scrooge meal, isn't it? Yeah. It is. Like Dickens again. Yeah. It's proper.

So it's a Kenzian. Joe, what? It's pretty impressive that soup has lasted as long as it has in terms of that we're still eating soup. Yeah. And also stop trying to make soup happen, people, because there's like, they're trying to make soup hipster. Oh yeah, they are.

There's a place in Old Street Station called Nincum Soup. I'm not going anywhere near that. The title. Nincum Soup. But stop trying to make soup all trendy. They're calling you an idiot for liking soup. Yeah, exactly. They're rubbing it in your face.

It's right there. Who wants a whole restaurant of soup? That's the section on the menu you ignore. Yeah. Unless it's shout out to Lobster Beesk. Okay. Well, sure. But that's creamy.

It's delicious. It's filling. It's a whole meal. Yeah, it's a whole meal. Yeah. You can get that at a place called Mbeesk Seal. Oh, lovely. Seal, I like it.

Did you enjoy my best? The thing is, it was excellent. Was that your best? Yeah, I think it was. But sadly, I'm okay with it. Mbeesk Seal. Mbeesk Seal. You know what I'm trying to do?

Yeah, I get it. In Brazil. I think you did it. I don't think you're trying. I think you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably work better if it's down. Yeah, if I am going to criticize anything,

it would be the lack of confidence in the delivery. Because I think you should have gone for it. I should have just gone for it. We were both on board. Yeah. Yeah. But as I was confident. It's not your thing.

It's not your type of humor. I didn't know I could enunciate it very well. No, you didn't. There were three question marks in one word. Mbeesk Seal. Go for it. Exclamation point at the end of a pun, baby. Yeah, yeah.

So no soup. So no soup. So then I was like, is it something that, am I picking something that I get quite often? Or am I picking something that I don't get to eat that I really love? So my first option was there's a restaurant in LA called Jitlada.

Yes. Which is like a pretty famous Thai restaurant. Yes. And the woman who owns it always gets selfies with famous people. And I've been trying to get on her Instagram for a very long time. And it has not worked.

And it is a source of some consternation. And my friends know it. And they'll send me screen caps of her Instagram. I'm like, look, Eric Andre's on it again. And I'm like, well, it's very upsetting. Anyway, one time I went with a friend. She got a selfie with my friend. What?

Who's your friend? The queen. Ron Funches. My friend is the queen. The most famous person. Anyway. Funches. I'll get a selfie with Funches.

He's a cool guy. Whose side are you on? Is he here? Come on. Could you get Funches on this podcast? Well, he's a big soup guy. Sleepy Funches, I can win. So they have an appetizer starter called

crying tiger beef, which I really love. And it's little strips of beef that are already quite flavorful and spicy. And then there's a dipping sauce with it that's like sour and very spicy. And it's really, really very good. So that would be the one that I was going to pick. But then I thought, you know what?

I'm going with Pani Puri. Do you guys know what that is? No. So it's a Pakistani dish. And I'm using it as an appetizer, even though sometimes it can be, do you guys know what chaat is? Have you guys heard that word?

Yes. Although if you put me on it. It could be nailed down on exactly what it is. Of the offload. I had a nice, there's a place called Mowgli in, there's one in Birmingham. There's one in Liverpool, little chain in England. And they do these chaat bombs.

And they're amazing. They're like bombs. That bombs. So they're in like, it's the chaat that's in paste. It's in like a very crispy pastry thing. It's not Orthodox. Well, but I love it. Well, that what you're talking about

might be similar to what I'm choosing. So Puri is like, it's sort of like a crispy little pastry. And you get a bowl of like spicy water. And you put, and you have a bowl of chickpeas and a bowl of like potatoes. And they're all spiced differently. So you poke a hole in the pastry. You put in a little bit of potatoes.

You put in a little bit of the chickpeas. And then you get a spoon of this water and you put it in there. And then you have to slam it into your mouth because it's going to start dripping because the pastry is not meant structurally to hold water for a very long period of time. Yes.

So, and it's a type of chaat. And chaat is sort of like, it's a genre of Pakistani Indian food that's like generally doesn't have meat, generally vegetarian. And it's usually a mix of flavors. So it'll be something crispy and texture. So it'll be crispy, soft, sweet, sour, spicy.

It's all sorted together. Sometimes there's like yogurt-y stuff on it. So I am choosing Pani Puri as my appetizer because I really, really love it. And it's kind of hard to find. And if I'm at my, you know, if I'm at a magical, genie restaurant, that's what I want.

It's also called Golgappa. Right. Right. It sounds delicious. It sounds very similar to the thing I had. I mean, let me show you a picture. It also sounds like an appetizer. Like you say, it's got all the flavor,

all the flavor profiles in there. Right. So it's getting the mouth warmed up. You're ready for anything. Yeah. Right. You have a preview. You know, in a painting,

they say that the colors are supposed to be balanced. If someone's wearing a red shirt, there should be like a red leaf somewhere. This is the red leaf. So every flavor that I'm expecting in my, that was a very good observation. Thank you. Every flavor that I'm going to be getting

over the course of this meal, I'm getting previewed in this. That's very clever. The foreshadowing, the whole meal. Yeah. It's very good. I'm very happy with my choice. Also, you were saying about this construction required here.

Yes. Do you want to do that? Or do you want? No, I do it. You want to do it? Yeah. As, I am full of contradictions, guys. Oh, so it's this.

This is what it is. Is it? Yeah. That's what it looked like. That's how the pastry looks. Yes. I think I have had that before, but I can't remember the name.

Mine was very yogherty. Right. Yoghurt could have stuff in there. Yoghurt in the bombs. Yes. And too much yogurt? No. I loved it so much.

Okay. Okay. It was a lot. Like when you bet into it, it was more than you expected, but I liked that surprise. It was great. We were at a restaurant.

It was one of those fancy ones where you get like 12 courses, and they had Pani Puri, but in chocolate. So it was chocolate, and then it had instead of, it had like a spicy yoghurt-y filling. And it was called,

I think it was called a bomb, some kind of bomb. And it was very interesting. As someone who for years resisted fusion-y food, I always like very traditional stuff. Recently, I've relaxed these arbitrary rules I've set for my life in many ways

that I realize have just been making me more stressed out. I've gotten more into foods that are sort of fusion-y or like old recipes prepared in new ways, that kind of stuff. So Pani Puri is what I'm opening with. And it's a street food. So you, in Pakistan,

generally get it like at carts on the street and stuff. Would you like us to bring a cart in to serve it to you? I love that kind of stuff. Like if I order a dessert, I want someone to bring a cart and make it in front of me. I want it to be a whole production.

I went to a restaurant called, I think it's called Gotie, but I'll check that. They did a vegan tasting menu. And the first dish was carrot tartare, and they brought out a big meat grinder and put carrots through the meat grinder. And it was absolutely delicious,

but I think half of it was watching someone. It was like a performance art piece. I've never seen someone grind a carrot in my life. It's a Gotie. Where is this place? Soho. So we should go. Are you vegetarian now?

No. So I was eating more vegan stuff around then, but I'd do that again anyway, because it's great. A lot of good vegan stuff out there now. Yeah. So carrot get grinded. Yeah.

It took me a long time also to be like, I was also, I also had rules where I was like, it's not a meal if it doesn't have meat. And I know that that's a very bad way of thinking. And I also, I'm going to say it on this podcast, to sort of try and maybe keep myself to it. I am going to try and go vegetarian next year.

Okay. Okay. In March. I've set a date. Yes. And I've told my vegetarian vegan friends to follow up with me in March. Make sure I at least try.

Now, why March? Have you got loads of meals planned up until March? Yeah, I have to go eat a bunch of goats. No, because the job I'm working on right now, I have to be on a very specific diet. Right. And that's till February. It's like very, it's just like all my meals are very planned out.

I have two cheat days and I can sort of eat whatever I want, but the rest of it, I can't gain or lose any weight for the next five months. Wow. And so I'm going to go till February. Then February, I'm going to go nuts and eat everything I want. And then March, I'm going to try and go vegetarian. So how easy was that the start?

Having a switch to a different diet and you've got to be way more regimented and strict with yourself? Actually, it was easier because, so I have, my relationship with food has always been very complicated in that I feel a lot of guilt about it. I remember very specifically, Kentucky Fried Chicken had opened in Pakistan and it was weirdly like a fancy, expensive restaurant when it opened.

And I went there and I was maybe 13 and I ate a bunch of fried chicken and it was fucking amazing. And then later I felt like extremely guilty about it. And so I've had a pretty complicated, I don't want to say I have an eating disorder or anything because I don't and people have actual, you know, I don't want to minimize the things that people deal with. It's not that, but I have a lot of guilt associated with food.

And so every day when I would wake up, I planned my meal and if I've planned to eat something unhealthy, I'm already starting on the guilt. So days before if I've planned, I'm going to have like sticky toffee pudding in three days. That's three days of guilt leading up to it. And then a couple of days of guilt after it. And so the good thing about these regimented meals,

which only started about two months ago when I started working on the movie, is that it takes all that out of it. And they say you can eat whatever you want for two days a week and it's all done with science. And so it makes me feel less guilty about sort of... Also, it's a job, right? So you've got to eat the regimens of stuff

because that's part of what you've been paid for. That's right. That's exactly right. So I really changed my diet in the last six months because I was like, I'm going to get into the best shape of my life. And so it required a... It sort of became a little unhealthy for a while and it's still probably a little unhealthy, but... So the last six months, food-wise,

have been a real adventure for me. It's been a lot of different things. I've tried a lot of different weird diets too. I don't know if that's in the scope of this podcast. Weird diets in the scope of... What's the weirdest one? The hardest one for me was keto. Do you guys know keto? No.

That's... Keto is where you eat no carbs at all, basically. So it's less... You try and keep to under like 20 grams of carbs, which is... That's hard. It's nothing. Yeah. Why? Because the idea is... I don't know if this is interesting. The idea is that you have no carbs in your system

and your body runs on carbs, so your body switches into a different mode called ketogenic and it starts turning fat, basically, into energy it can use. And so you lose weight because your body switches into a different mode. But it takes five days to go ketogenic and you get the keto flu it's called, which is where you get brain fog, so your brain doesn't work well, because basically your body is kind of not functioning for a few days.

Right. And it upsets your stomach. It's a mess. And so that was the hardest one I did. And no... Your brain stopped working. That's got to be a sign that it's not a good diet, right? It's a warning sign.

It's called brain fog. Yeah. Brain fog. Yeah. That's not good. Is there carbs in ice cream? A couple, yeah. Yeah, there might be a couple carbs.

Maybe two or three carbs, yeah. Yeah, that's the sound of the keto diet. Yeah, it's not good. Brain fog and no ice cream makes James a hungry boy. I think there is keto ice cream, but I can't imagine it's any good. It's supposed to be high fat. You're supposed to eat a lot of fat on this diet. A lot of protein as well, I guess.

A lot of protein, a lot of fat, right. Is there a lot of protein and a lot of fat in your main course? Good segue. So there is. So now I'm going for, if this is a meal, there's no guilt associated with it. I can eat whatever I want. I am going to pick. I can tell before you said this that you already feel guilty even though it's not real.

Right. And I'm not sure we can do anything about the guilt. The guilt is something that you bring with you to the drinks. Right, and that will take with me. No, it's leaving with me. Please leave with your guilt. We can't have that floating around. No, no, no.

The other next guest who comes in here, like, why does it feel all so guilty? Why do I feel like, yeah, while I'm tidying up the water drip. So my main course, and I've thought a lot about this, is going to be grandma disparity. I am sorry. I'm an unreliable narrator. I couldn't get away from it. I set these rules and then at the end, I just couldn't keep to it. Rules are made to be broken.

I really, because I was like, if there is one thing that I can eat in a magical restaurant, it has to be that. Yeah. It has to be that. But I'm guessing to stay true to your rules is not because of memory. It's just objectively delicious. Yeah. It's just objectively the best thing I've literally eaten in my entire life.

Yeah. And the biryani from Karachi, which is where I'm from, and the way my grandmother makes it, has a lot of potatoes in it. Now, this is a controversial thing where some people think potatoes are sacrilege in biryani. I think you need potatoes in biryani. And of course, you have meat, you have mutton or chicken or something. Usually mutton is the best version. And then some people, but I have rules about biryani that go the other way.

No nuts. I don't want to catch you in my biryani. Right. No raisins. I don't want raisins. Good boy. Yeah. Yeah.

Raisins kind of ruin everything. Let's say so. Unless you just have no little box of raisins. That's the only way raisins are good. Like a little box of raisins. Just raisins are good because they're ruining everything else. That texture doesn't go with anything but itself. I like chocolate raisins.

I like raisins with nuts. This is incorrect. Just on there, raisins and nuts together, but just not with anything else, just like in a bowl. I'll give you that, but the chocolate with raisins. I like yogurt raisins as well. You know when they're like covered in hard yogurt? I am being surrounded by betrayal.

But I don't, yeah. I think in, especially in savory things, absolutely not. Absolutely not. So this biryani, so biryani has been my favorite food my whole life. This is true when I was, my parents have called me Camel Biryani. It's been a Camel Nan Biryani for many, many years. They said when I was two years old, this is my two years old. Apparently my grandmother cooked some biryani

and it was a big, big dinner party. And they found me sitting in the pot of biryani, eating it with my hands. They told me this. I found out decades later, it was a lie. That did not happen. My dad just said it to like make my mom laugh, which I'm like, you guys have been married for decades.

I think you don't need to flirt anymore. The deal is sealed. It's in the bag, dad. And so, but that was my origin story. I was like, oh, this is why I like it. A superhero origin story fell into a pound of biryani. I just love the flavor of it. And what, so there's like, it's layers, right?

I know I'm regressing because that's the best I could come up with. I like the flavor of it. As soon as you said your family called you Kamel Biryani, I was like, James is not going to stop laughing. Yeah, I can't stop laughing that you've been called Kamel Biryani. I can't also, when you said about falling into the pot of biryani and being found eating it, I just, in fact, it was a lie. You were being told it.

So like, I just imagined the lie is like, I'm going to be came out and you were sitting in that pot and you're eating all the biryani and you were two years old, but you looked up at us and you said, more please. Yeah, your first words were, Biryani, more please. All lies. And then my dad, when I told him, when he was like, when he told me it was a lie, it wasn't like I have to tell you. He was like, it was very dismissive.

He was like, yeah, it was a lie. He was like, what? And he's like, yeah, imagine how hot a pot of biryani is. You think you crawled in there and if a pot is full, there's no room for you to crawl in. So he's like, just the physics doesn't work. You know how when you're a little kid, you hear something and then you don't question the logic of it.

And then in your 20s, you look at it again and you're like, oh no, there's no way that could have happened. Like it's like a pet going to live on a farm. Exactly. But it's a baby sitting in the pot of biryani. So it's layers. It's layers. Take us through the layers.

And so at the bottom is sort of the potatoes and the curry and the meat. And you cook that first and then you put raw rice on it. And then you cover it up so that when it cooks, all the fragrance of the curry sort of cooks through the rice. It's very slow cooked. And so there's rice on top, which is mostly plain rice. Then as you go, I'm having trouble.

As you get closer to the bottom, the rice becomes more and more flavorful. And you can start seeing the colors of the base in the rice. As you get to the bottom. And then at the bottom is the most flavor. So when you're getting biryani, you have to sort of go straight down. So you get all the different layers of it. So you want to get some of the plain rice just to mix it up.

Then you get the flavorful rice. And then at the bottom, you get that. And then, oh god, I'm struggling. And then there's, you get enough potatoes. And I don't know how my grandmother did it, but her potatoes had flavors right through the middle. And they would be very orange, like not yellow. So whatever she was doing to it was like changing the color of the potatoes.

And the potatoes are very, they're very soft. These potatoes, they melt in your mouth. Has this recipe been passed down in your family? So my mother makes it too. And my mother's is very, very, very good. My mother is probably the best cook. I know other than my grandmother. But there is maybe a 5% difference, 3%.

My grandmother's is 3% better. And I can't tell you what the difference is. But if you blindfold me, I would be able to pick them out. You'd better know. Yeah, it's not just a psychological thing. There is a very, very small difference. Imagine if we blindfolded you to do the taste test. When you took the blindfold off, you were sitting in a pot of berries.

We'd done it. Oh, that would be amazing. And so if you see my plate, as I said, I'm working from least to favorite. I will always have a huge. So I'll get two big pieces of potato. I'll get meat. I'll get all that stuff.

One piece of potato to eat with each bite. So each bite is there's some plain rice. There's some of the flavorful rice. Then there's some of the really good juicy stuff. And a piece of the potato. So every bite has sort of everything in it. And then I'm leaving one piece of potato. All the way at the end.

So when I finish everything else, all that's left is one piece of potato. That's the headliner. Yes, it's the headliner. It's orange right to the middle. And then I eat that very, very slowly. What did you say before you eat it? I'm not saying much of anything. You're going to say like, here we go.

Yeah, I made it. It's all been built into this. Camille Biryani strikes again. That'd be great if you say that. Camille Biryani strikes again. Then he's just eating potatoes. And then what I'm doing is, as I'm getting the potatoes out at first, I'm also scoping out how many potatoes I estimate are left in the Biryani.

And then I'm looking at other people's plates as I'm eating to see if there are potatoes left. Because what will happen more often than not is when I eat the final potato, I want more potato. And so if I've calculated and there are enough potatoes left in the part of Biryani, I'm not stressed out. But if I'm seeing like, okay, this is getting pretty close, then I'm sort of have to eat my Biryani pretty fast.

And then- To get more Biryani. To get more Biryani. And also to make sure that there's another. Because I want a full piece of potato. Because that, it's like unrealized potential. It's the whole thing is there. So as soon as you're enjoying the headliner and all you can think about is the encore.

Which is also the headliner again. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Right, right. Which is what a non-courage. I am so sorry. The awful if you went to a show and the headliner finished and then the opener did an encore.

What's the pop-a-dome come back on for? Yeah, thank you very much. They're doing the headliner's songs for some reason. They're on twist on it. And so then I am not, no matter what happens, that last piece of potato, I am not like going fast through it. I am working my way slowly through it. But sometimes if I'm quite, if I'm pretty shameless, and my family knows what the deal is.

They know what the deal is. I might go back and get another piece of potato as a backup. And now the issue I have is, am I eating the really hot piping hot potato that's the best. And then saving a cold one. So it's going to be like one is the best version of it and one is it's still pretty great. But like closer to not the best version of it. Or am I eating two sort of lukewarm potatoes? Am I eating one really hot one and one cold one?

Or am I eating two lukewarm ones? Because if I start with the other one, then yeah. So you're sort of in a situation where you get your first helping, then you go and get your seconds and you sometimes eat your second helping before you eat the first helping. That's correct. Because I'm saving the best part of it. Yeah.

I have a question. All this anxiety and concern over your meal. I'm also enjoying it. I want you to be aware of that. But has it ever gone as badly as you fear it would go? Has it ever been a reality that it's ever actually got this bad? Where the potatoes gone? Where the potatoes have gone.

You haven't got anything past the headliner. Yes. The last potato was cold. Yes. It's all gone badly. How did you feel out? I felt awful and I said never again. I should be more anxious about this meal.

There should be more math involved. Yeah. I mean, the potatoes are a hot commodity. Yes. Pun intended. People are going for the potatoes. This is not just me. Everyone knows I love potatoes the most.

Yes. And there's an unwritten rule, you save Camel extra potatoes. Oh, so they know to save you on. Yeah. So it rarely happens that there aren't any potatoes left. No, but it has happened because we're not just eating with the family. Sometimes there's guests there. And they don't know about you.

They have not been prepped about the rules. They're just joking potatoes. They're just eating potatoes. They're not like putting any thought into the temperature of the potatoes or saving it for the end. And they're not enjoying the potatoes as much as I would enjoy the potatoes. Throwing them into each other's mouths across the table. Yeah, they're not looking around and counting potatoes like they're cheating in a casino.

They're really not. Yeah, potato counting. That's exactly right. Oh, God. Anyway, so that's the main meal and I'm eating a lot of it. And Emily says when we go to, so you guys have amazing Indian Pakistani restaurants here. LA does not. And so I can never really order Biryani because she says when you get Biryani,

you sort of go into this other mode and you cannot stop eating it. So we were at a place a couple of days ago and I ordered the Biryani. And again, because I have to manage the guilt associated with it. I just kept eating and eating and eating and I couldn't stop eating the Biryani. It's sort of, I go into a mode and it's very difficult to break out of. So what then is going to happen on the side of the Biryani? Yeah, this is exciting now because you've got a side dish to choose. In my mind, you're going to be so involved in the Biryani now.

Whatever's on the side is going to get. The side is going to be extra potatoes. I was actually going to say that. You can do that. Yeah. You can totally just do extra potatoes that are just for you. Can I have a plate of potatoes, but they're sort of coming out as I'm finishing one? Yeah.

So then I'm getting okay. Because here's the other thing is if I, and my parents also said this since I was a kid, if I go to a buffet and I try something and I really like that first thing, I'm not trying anything else. I'm just getting that one thing over and over and over. And that would link back to your thing of going to your favorite restaurants and only ordering the same dish. Sort of, yes.

Yes. It's very similar. So you go back and forth for a buffet, just getting the one dish? I have been known to do that. If one dish is really, really good, yes. I'll just get the same thing over and over. Are you worried that other people are going to get it and it's going to run out? No.

It's a buffet. They've got a never-ending supply. You just want to keep riding the wave. No, there's no finite pot. Right. I'm just riding the wave. That's correct. Okay.

I think extra potatoes. Extra potato is bought out at just the right temperature at just the right time. Yes. Which is as hot as possible. That's the right temperature. And before you eat it, you shout. Camel, Biryani strikes again. So to drink then, Camel.

Okay. What is your ideal drink for this meal? Okay. Again, I had to sort of, I'll show you my work. Yes. So I was like, if I go with the bullshit memory-based thing, I would have to go with, and this is not what I chose. I remember one night in Pakistan, we went to like a fancy,

like back when I was there in Karachi, the fanciest restaurants were in like nice hotels. We went to this one on the roof. I believe it was called Avari Towers. I believe that was the one. And on the roof, I tried two things I'd never had in my life. One was they had shawarma. Like they had the rotating spit and they were,

and you could just go back and get pockets and pockets of it. And remember being like, this is the best thing I've ever had. The other thing that they had that I had never had in my life, and I was probably maybe 10 years old, was floats. Ice cream floats. Yes. And I loved ice cream and I loved Coke. And to put them together had never occurred to me.

It was the greatest thing. I remember I was like, oh my God, it's all been there. I've had all these greets, why have I not done this? It's like kept going back and choosing different ones. Sprite with chocolate ice cream. And you know, it just sort of melts in there and it gets thick and it just was, I couldn't believe it. I'm getting tears in my eyes.

It is an amazing moment we discover that floats. It creates a whole new thing as well. It's two amazing things. Yeah. When you put it together, you can taste both amazing things separately and it creates a whole new thing. And there's a whole new, there's a new ineffable thing. It's like its own new thing.

It's not, ice cream plus soda does not equal ice cream plus soda. It equals something more. Something happens. There's a chemistry. There's that little in between like creaminess. Yes. With the, yeah. Well that's the closest thing you can get to is cream soda.

Yeah, sure. Which is, I think, I don't have it very often, but still an amazing drink. Put in drink, I used to call it. Wait, what is cream soda? Cream soda is like, it's clear like lemonade, but it tastes almost like there's ice cream in it. Right, right, right.

Okay, so I have it. It's a proper Willy Wonka drink. Okay. Really, yeah. Okay. It's delicious, but it doesn't touch a natural flow. No, because it doesn't have the texture, right? Yeah, it doesn't get that delicious scum on the top.

Yeah, it's delicious scum on the top. Oh, that's scum on the top. That's right, where it's like pushing it to the top. Yeah. Because evil chemistry has happened. We could get you a whole glass of scum if you wanted. Oh, you want a whole glass of scum? I'll get you a glass of scum.

Just say the word. Stop it. Also, because that story of you going and getting the coke floats is from your childhood. I'm obviously imagining that at one point they were like, where is Camille God? And then there's a little Coke float starts wobbling and then your head pops out wearing the blob of ice cream

as a hat. It's like, I'm in here, but I'm like, it's just delicious. And then slurping up all the scum around you. My God, yeah. It's just a bunch of stories of me popping out of food at length. That you couldn't possibly fit inside. Like a normal-sized clown. Your head comes out of it.

Yeah, I once got stuck in a tub of ice cream. I had hypothermia. I was trying to take me to the hospital. What combo are you going with for the dream meal then? Well, so this is not, I'm not doing that. Oh, so we're not choosing fans. Okay, sorry. What I am choosing is, it's going to sound unexciting,

but I promise you it's very exciting. So there's a specific Pakistani drink, and we used to get it at a place called Baloch Ice Cream. It's called cold coffee, but it's so much more than just cold coffee. It's basically a shake with coffee in it. And you can get cold coffee. You can get cold coffee with ice cream,

which is just to also put a scoop of ice cream in there. And it's frothy. It's got scum at the top. It's got scum as long as it's scum. Oh, don't worry. There, your scum needs will be met. And it's just, it was just so delicious and so thick, like it would coat your teeth and your tongue.

And I don't know if that was a pleasant feeling, but now you just, and I remember I would get it, and I could not drink it fast enough. Because again, it was, if I can finish it fast enough before the adults finish their ice cream, I can get another one. And I'm not an asshole. I can't order two up top, right?

But if I finish one really, really quickly, and then the second one I get with ice cream, because then I can go slow on the second one. So I remember getting brain freeze from it and just sucking it down as quickly as I could. And it just was so, so good. And I looked it up and they still have cold coffee. And it is known as a specifically Pakistani drink.

Nice. And where's it from? The place where you get it from? The establishment. It's called Baloch. B-A-L-O-C-H. It's like sort of a Pakistani ice cream parlor. And then later, like more Western-y ones came in,

but that was the, like the OG one. It was that. And then there was another ice cream place called Raju that had really good mango ice cream when it was in season and Chico ice cream. Do you know what Chico is? No. No.

It's a fruit that I've never seen anywhere else. I have to find out. Chico fruit. It's called a Sapa... What is Chico fruit in English? Sapa Dilla. Oh, I've never heard of that. Never heard of Sapa Dilla.

So it's a, it's like a brown fruit and you pop it open. So you sort of, it'll split into two halves. You don't need a knife. And inside there are two big seeds and then the fruit, the meat of the fruit is like pretty grainy. So it's got a lot of texture and it's very soft. It's very sweet. And ice cream with that was really good.

So those were sort of the two big Pakistani ice cream places. But I'm going with cold coffee. Cold coffee. And would you like me to bring you cold coffee and then immediately followed by cold coffee with ice cream? With ice cream. Yes. No problem.

That takes us neatly. It's a nice bridge. Very nice bridge. Your whole meal kind of leads it nicely one to the other. Flows very nicely to the dessert. Your dessert. It's almost like I've put way too much thought into it. So now the dessert.

Again, a lot of thought has gone into it. And I have discussed this with you before. Yes. I have to go with the matcha French toast. I checked for you. Yes. Boy, I did it. A funny influencer guest enough to choose a dish on the podcast.

Yes. This is great news. I have to because it's just so good. And it's the dessert that I think about the most. You do think about it a lot. Because it's the textures of it, right? So you've got the outside of the toast is pretty crispy. The inside is like gooey and almost custody.

Yes. It's almost like undercooked or something. And then the ice cream on top. I usually think ice cream on like French toast or pancakes is unnecessary. But here it really is part of the whole experience of it. Because that's another texture. Because the French toast is quite hot and the ice cream is cold. It goes together really well.

And then the powder that they put on it. Usually the powder is just aesthetic. But here, the powder is a really important part of the dish. It's just thick. Kind of like the powder is very thick as well. The powder is kinako because it's kinako French toast with matcha. So it's like a I think it's like a bean, a sweet bean powder. I think that's what it is.

Is it? Sweet bean powder. Kinako I think is the name of the powder. Yes. After the French toast, the ice cream is soft serve as well. Oh yes. So that adds to it. Really satisfying.

I like a green dessert. Yeah, I do. If it's green, I'm already sort of on board. I remember telling you to try that. And then you told me afterwards that while you were eating it, you started getting angry at it for being as good as it was. Yes, yes. Because first of all, I don't like that they give you half a slice of toast.

Give me the whole thing. Sure. Where's the other half of this? Do they have it? Yeah. It's not theirs. They've got my dessert. Yeah, it's mine.

I don't need two swirls of ice cream. I can manage that, you know? Because I can, but give me the whole, give me the whole. I went to a, they did a one night pop-up thing there where they did a crossover menu with breados taco. So a really good taco place in London. And they did a riff on that dessert, but it was an ice cream sandwich. So in the middle.

Oh no. So they have the two slices and then the soft serve in the middle and then like a cinnamon syrup over the top of it. And how was it? It was delicious, but it was, it felt like too much. I liked the, the OG classic one. It took me a while to come to this. I don't think I like cinnamon.

No, I'm not a big cinnamon guy. I like cinnamon. Yeah. I definitely like it. Okay. You're having a whole conversation here. I like cinnamon in a simple dessert where it's like, the main kind of gist is like cinnamon was maybe some vanilla, but like.

It's very overpowering. Yeah, that's what I don't like. I wouldn't chuck it in with a busy dessert. It needs to be the main player in the dessert. It took me, you know, and I love Christmas and cinnamon is sort of a Christmassy flavor. So I associate it with Christmas and I do like that, but the actual flavor of it, if we're going to be emotionless about it,

cinnamon can stay home. Yeah. Cool. I'm going to read your order back to you. See how you feel about this. You would like still water room temperature on a drip. Starting off strong. Pop it on.

Mostly the thin yellow ones with a smattering of the others, but always going back to the mostly thin yellow ones. Starter is a panipuri and that foreshadows the whole meal. Yeah. Yeah. All the flavors you want. That's where all your foreshadow is happening. Main, grandmother's biryani, needs potatoes, no nuts, no raisins,

and you want to sit in the pot biryani? If I could, if that could be arranged ideal. Because I think I've never felt it, but I feel like the feeling of biryani through my toes is going to be pleasant. I think you will like it a lot. Bear in mind you're wearing a backless hospital gown though. Yeah. That's correct.

That is part of it. So I'm really feeling biryani everywhere. Side dish extra potatoes served at just the right time. So pipe in hot. Drink cold coffee from Baloch. Baloch. And dessert. Matching with green tea, soft-serve ice cream,

French toast from Shaq Fuyu. Yeah. This is the most work tip I've ever been on a podcast. Yeah. I feel like I felt every emotion. Yeah. But. And you said at the top that it wasn't going to be,

there weren't going to be any emotions. I guess. But look at this. I kind of scared that. Do you know what? Do you know what, Cabela? I love it too much. Life finds a way.

The mask. Where we started, pointing the mask. Thank you very much for coming in, Cabela. Thank you for having me. I have to go gather myself now. I think my life. I have to, like, put myself back together. Good luck.

Camel Biryani. Let's try it again. Well, there we have it. What a meal. What an emotional rollercoaster, even though he said it wouldn't be. I know he tricked us. I mean, he tricked us so many times.

Not to do childhood food. There's a childhood food. Not to be emotional. There's loads of emotion. So much emotion. It's great. I loved it. I loved the revelation about Camel Biryani.

I love that so much. I mean, it's no secret. You heard how much I loved it. Lovely and lovely to hear a shout out for something we're so behind in the dessert. Oh, I can't believe, finally. I've influenced one of the choices on the show. I told someone to go somewhere,

they had it, and it is their favourite thing. It's come full circle. Yes. Well done, James. Also glad that he did not mention Staranis, said. Yes, because he would have been out at the restaurant. No mention for Staranis. Thank you very much.

Camel, if you're not aware of any of Camel's work, you should be. It's all brilliant. Look him up. Do the research, guys. Do the research, guys. There's so much stuff. Watch Silicon Valley.

Watch The Big Sick. Watch It Stand Up. Get on with it. Saw him play. Stuber came out this year. I can list loads of films. Keep going. Men in Black.

Well, the next Men in Black, when he played a little guy in it, a little alien guy in it. It was in Charlie Day, when he was going to fight Ice Cube outside. Right. At school. Well, you've done really well there, James.

Well done. We do stuff as well. Yeah. I mean, you do some stuff. You know, I've got a book out. James has got a book out. Perfect sound, whatever. Yeah.

About why he thinks 2016 is the greatest year for music of all time. It's got a special on Amazon. I've got a special on Amazon called Blood Sugar. I don't know when this is coming out. I might not be on tour, but check out my Twitter. Again, we'll comedy and find out more about me.

Thank you. Don't check out my Twitter. I'm not on there anymore. I'm free, baby. He's deleted it. I'm free. The genie is free. The genie is free.

If you like the sound of any of the restaurants mentioned on this episode of Off Menu, or indeed any of the other episodes of Off Menu, don't tweet us directly asking what they were. You can listen to it, hear about them, or indeed go on the website, offmenupodcast.co.uk, and there is a section of restaurants.

It's a list of all the restaurants mentioned and where they are. Naughty, go and look at that. The great Benito's made that list for you, and Moe's getting added to it now. Go and get the chat bombs. Oh, man. Finally, and finally, we can have a Karachi section.

Finally, it's a Karachi section. I like it when a new section gets added, a new place, a new ground. Oh, and in Food Corner, we are absolutely swimming around in this stuff. Free Food Corner, please. Free Food Corner. I mean, this is incredible.

We've been sent some lovely-looking beers from Station 119. They've got beautiful hand-drawn labels. I do like the look of these. Session IPA. Lady Moe, which is a donkey mascot of the 96th Bombardment Group during World War II. They're all like war-based stuff.

Oh, yeah, that's what I want to think of. No, Station 119 Pale Ale. Brew to celebrate the heroic carrier pigeon, G.I. Joe. That's lovely. I want to think of a lovely pigeon to be fair. You're learning while you're drinking. Learning while you're drinking and all the brave animals from the war.

We've got some cake or death vegan brownies here. Cake or death vegan brownies. Look at those. Apparently, there's a peanut butter flavor in there that I have my eye and my mouth on. Please. And Prime Minister have sent us some pies today to eat for our lunch.

I mean, that's incredible, isn't it? I love pie. I can't wait to eat that. I can't wait to tuck into those. Nice and hot. And James, as was mentioned in this episode of Off Menu, we got delivered an absolute sack of ice cream. So much ice cream all on the same day.

It was the happiest day of my life. From various places. Jude's sent us a lot of different flavors. Snowflake. I've already tucked into the vanilla, so sorry. Yeah, yeah. Snowflake Gelato sent us the swatch of all the different flavors.

Yes. Remio sent us a few tubs of ice cream. Lovely tubs. Gelato, that looks absolutely delicious. And Hargan does have also sent us some stuff. Hargan does, thanks. Thank you. Hey, that was the last episode of this series.

The last bite. As you know, we do 20 Eps per S, and that was the end of S2. There you go, 20 dishes. That's roughly a taste in menu, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. It's a big old tasting menu, actually. A big old taste in menu.

And they were all full courses, if you ask me. All wine parents. Yes, so sad to be saying goodbye for this series, but we will be back, don't you worry, with series three. We're already making a good start on that. This is not the end for the restaurant, it is merely. We are working on a new menu, and it's a new season. Yeah, don't worry.

Your stomachs won't be rumbling for long. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread, I'm not gonna spoil in case.

Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News, we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on, every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy!

Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.