Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 42: Greg Davies (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

A second Christmas miracle! The Taskmaster himself Greg Davies joins us in the dream restaurant for another festive special. So let's start the meal with the well-known phrase, 'I'm hard, let's eat'.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Greg Davies on Twitter @gdavies.Watch his sitcom 'Man Down' and his stand-up special 'You Magnificent Beast' on Netflix.And watch all of 'Taskmaster' on UKTV Play.Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? And then just at the last minute, you whack the heat right up and you are guaranteed a very crispy podcast. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Deep and Crispy and even. Deep and Crispy and even. It's a Christmas special of the Off Menu podcast. Ho, ho, ho. Is that the sound Santa makes? No. Is the sound the jolly green giant makes? Because this week our guest is Greg Davis. Yes, James is obsessed with calling him the jolly green giant. So we'll see how that goes down during the episode. Oh, oh, oh. Green giant. It is the Christmas

special. James, what are you doing for Christmas? What am I doing? Oh, we're sitting around and asking Greg Davis what his favourite ever start at main course dessert side dish and drink are. What I really like about you is you absolutely refuse to have small talk on the intro to the podcast. I thought we'd have a quick chat about Christmas. Then we'll get onto the concept of the podcast and then we'll crack on with it. Absolutely none of it from you. Well, in all honesty, genies don't celebrate Christmas. Oh, are you a genie in the intro as well? Yes. Oh, right. Okay. What do genies celebrate? Well, genies, we celebrate Pancake Day. Oh, right. Okay. All year round. Yeah. Every day. Yeah, just every holiday. So every major

festival and stuff like that. Replaced by Pancake Day. Replaced with Pancake Day. Yes. So Halloween. You get Pancake Day. What happens when people come and trick or treat on your lamp? I give them a pancake. Lovely stuff. So as James said, we'll be asking Greg Davis his favourite meal. But if he says a certain ingredient, he will be removed from the restaurant and we do have security to help us remove him. Absolutely. Green beans and sweet corn. No, getting obsessed with the jolly green giant thing again. We will kick you out if you say that's green giant. We know what your favourite food is. The secret ingredient this week is cacao nibs. Cacao nibs. Now, I know there's, you put them in posh chocolate because you think it's

cool, but they're not. They're too crunchy. Yeah. It feels like I'm eating teeth again. Yes. That's my main problem with food is sometimes you feel like you're eating parts of your teeth that have come out. Absolutely. And they're bitter. And where's the rest of it? Right. The nibs. Okay. Yeah. Excuse me. That hints that there's more. You're just giving me the nib. Where's the rest of it? So your problem with it is you feel like you're being shortchanged. Yeah. You'd like a whole cacao. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'd like the whole cacao, please. Yeah. Here's the nib. Oh, thank you so much. What did you do with the good stuff? If you were buying a pen and they just gave you a nib. How am I supposed to write with that?

Exactly. So cacao nibs are the secret ingredient. If Greg even mentions them, he's being booted out of the restaurant. Back to giant town. Back up the clouds. But for now, Merry Christmas to you all. Here is the off-menu menu of Greg Day. Can I tell you what else I can't say? Yes. I can if I say it slowly. It is the AA. The AA? Yeah. You sort of didn't do it there. No. Try and say it normally. Even though I did it really slowly. Let's do a role play. If I say it quickly, I stick another A on. Okay. So we're driving. Oh, no, we've broken down. Oh, gosh.

Oh. And that wasn't me making it up. The AA. It sounds like you're singing. Yeah. You're launching into a little song. Why is that? I've never met anyone who can't do that. Well, welcome, Greg, to the dream restaurant. Oh, God. I hope a genie comes out of a lumpsuit. Welcome, Greg Davis, to the dream restaurant. I had a nice chatting to you from inside the lamp. Good to put a face to a voice. Can we put a sound effect on James's voice when we were talking earlier, like he's inside a lamp? So it's like, can we come inside a lamp, please, Benito? What is the concept I've never, am I to treat James A. Castle like I've never met him before?

No, no, no. This is a new persona I should respect. What you'll notice about the genie is he's very close to James's normal persona. Yeah. And we could almost proceed from here without mentioning that James is a genie at all. Yes. But it's like, yeah. But I do feel like I want to treat you differently straight away. You can. You can. There's no rules. So how will you treat me? How would you like to treat me compared to, like, what changes from how you used to treat me? Well, there's a degree of respect now you're a genie. Really? This is a new territory. I like it very much. So what you needed to treat James with respect was for him to be a magical figure. Pretend to be a magical figure. Pretend

That was all it would have taken. I might have won Taskmaster. Oh, God. You'd have sailed through if you just made the effort to be anyone but yourself. No one's tried that yet, have I? It's been someone else. Get that out. People are always very eager for me to take the piss out of James for coming second bottom on Taskmaster. Coming second for bottom is fine, though, because our people's champ. Well, that's something you've invented, though, isn't it? Well, you can't prove it, can you? I was surprised when anyone thinks that winning Taskmaster, and I say this with the greatest of respect to my friend here, is an indication of

any kind of ability or skill-based charm. I'm a Greg on that one, actually. It doesn't really mean anything. It is. It's like 15 for one. Often the people who've done the worst on Taskmaster are the people who resonate the most with the public, not in James's case, obviously. I forgot you came second bottom because I thought you were quite good at it. Yeah, I thought you were all right. I thought you came second or third. You probably marked down harshly, because you weren't a genie. A few things. Kerry Godman was on it. It was very good at just getting it done. Just nap it also. Very, very good mind for all. And Rod Gilbert is your best mate.

Well, he isn't, eh? Is he not? Who is your best friend? No, it's not true. Rod is a good friend of mine, but the notion that I would in any way want him to do well in any aspect of his career is a nonsense. Can't be having this argument again, guys. Come on. We're at the Dream Restaurant. It's more about managing personalities. That's what my job often is, James. Yeah, that's true. I've got respect now, though. Have you? Yeah, because I'm a genie. So I'm having this conversation with him on an equal foot. In the room, yeah. Yeah, yeah. In the room.

Are you a food boy, Greg? Not at all. I mean, as I've got older, I probably am a little more discerning. As a young man, I found it an inconvenience to getting on with life. Really? Although, as you can see, I've indulged in it hardly. That's inconvenience. Got on with it. Yeah. But then... But you used to be a skinny tourboy, weren't you? I was a skinny tourboy. Yeah. Yeah. For a long time. Yeah. That surprised you, innit? No, actually. Isn't that? No, no, no. I can imagine you as a skinny tourboy.

I was quite a weedy, asthmatic child. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Asthmatic, still. So there's a whippet. I think there's a little whippet. Yeah. Good swimmer. Very good swimmer. Very bad at everything else. Good swimmer. Yeah. County level. Yeah. Did it take you? A genie. You're not the only one with surprises.

I've never seen... That's very good, isn't it? I've never seen a tall swimmer before. So you must be really good. I was fast. I cut through the water. And the thing is, he's so tall, he could literally just push off and then immediately be on the other end. Yeah. That's a nonsense. You went immediately. It's... And I'm glad you brought that up, because that's an irritation, like, that's been eating away at me for years. Yes. The idea that my extra couple of few inches would help me in a swimming race is a nonsense.

And it's something that Russell Stoves claimed in 1981 when I took his cup off it. And if you're listening, Stoves, fuck you. You didn't make it either, did you? And secondly, when I play darts, there's always somebody who says, oh, you can just lean over and put it in the board. Well, why have I got eight foot arms? Little sling here. But you can't drown, can you, if you're tall, standing up in the deep end? What do you mean? You must just stand up in the deep end. Well, deep end in the Shrewsbury baths, where I trained, was 12 and a half foot.

Do you think I'm 12 and a half foot? Or that I've got a periscope mouth? Yeah. Yes. Your head just, like, bobbing above the water. A little periscope mouth. Wish I did have a periscope mouth. That'd be good, wouldn't it? What would you do? What would be the first thing you'd do? I'd use it to stand at the bottom of 12 foot pools and breathe freely.

Eat Maltesers. Pop some Maltesers in your mouth while you're underwater. I mean, I can pop Maltesers in my mouth with my normal mouth. Can't you? Not when you're underwater, though? No. No. Not when you're underwater. Not 12 foot underwater. Maltesers are the hardest because they're quite light and they'll float to the surface.

And you won't be able to eat them. I mean, arguably, I could take Maltesers down to a depth of 12 foot and still consume them. But they'll float up while they go soggy, I think. Oh, no, they'd float up if I didn't hold them in my hands. I wasn't suggesting I could take them down with my mind. That might be difficult. Can't be shepherd them down to the bottom. But we used to play...

I'm just going to go back to the point about you getting there quicker because you're taller. When we were on tour together, we used to play one push when the hotel had a swimming pool. We invented a whole game with, like, Olympic rules. One push. And I was the champion. And you always used my height to suggest that's why I was the champion then. So one push is you all start at the same time and you've all got to push off underwater and try and get to the other end.

Guess how many pushes you're allowed. One push. Yeah, one push. Great. And also, before you go under, you have to say your catchphrase, which is predetermined. You all have a different catchphrase? Yeah. You can decide it, though.

Yeah. It's normally something about going underwater or... I can't remember mine. I think mine was say hello to the fishes. Yeah, it was. Great. Do you remember what yours was? I can't.

No. I would say say hello to the fishes, like a gangster. Like that. And then push off. And then you push off underwater. But then why? It wasn't betcha by golly wow, was it? No, it definitely wasn't.

What? Thought it might be betcha by golly wow. What the hell's that? It's a song by the 60s band of stylistics. Oh, yes. I think your catchphrase was something about Maltesers. Yeah. I think it was show off to it in Malteser.

Yeah. So you both go under. From range. Yeah. And we're just the two of you. No. Tour manager as well. He's the tour manager, which was sometimes a professional tour manager, Trevor.

Yeah. And sometimes my mate Brian. Your mate Brian? I'm a member Brian. I supported you on one tour day ever. Brian wasn't there because he was hungover. Ah, yeah. That was the only time I supported you.

But you were like, sorry, my tour manager normally here, but he's too hungover. I don't know if you supported me. I'm thinking, he's a funny boy. Yeah, he's a little funny boy. Do you know what he said to me after you supported him? Did he say hello to the fishes? He went, I'll tell you what, that James Acaster,

he's actually funny, isn't he? He's proper funny. The thing about me and you, Ed, is with personality comics. I didn't say that. You did. You did. I don't think that of myself. You did.

You went, we've got to go out there and make them come to us. James lets them come to him. Yeah. Yeah, there is that style. Our style is a little more needy, isn't it? Yeah, desperate. Oh, don't worry. I'm absolutely needy now.

All that confidence I have. All that confidence I had earlier on. Is that gone now? That's gone now. And here's what I remember as well, is that that was the show where you made your support address as a bonsai tree at the end. Yeah, it is.

And it was very early on in the formation of the bonsai costume. So instead of it being a small bonsai tree strapped to your head, it was, you had to put your head in a full bonsai tree pot, and there was a whole cat out the front for your face. And James came on and he'd certainly put it on the wrong way round. So it was just fully blocked off. No, no, no, no, no. You covered your face on the wrong way.

My one was there was a morph suit that you had to wear with the bonsai tree on top of it, on your head. But yeah, I put it on the wrong way. Oh, you put the morph suit on the wrong way? So I put the morph suit on the wrong way. Because the morph suit had a hood. So that you could put it over and leave your face free. So you could move around and breathe.

And talk. Yeah, and talk. Which you do have to in that role. And James had put it on backwards and pulled the hood over his face. I put the hood over my face. And then the bonsai tree was on the top of my head but really precariously balanced it.

And I walked on like properly with my arms like stumbling and trying to find something so I wouldn't fall over. To heard Greg laughing. Heard Greg tell the audience that I wasn't supposed to do that. And then the tree fell off my head. Yeah. It was very, very bad. It didn't go well.

No. Or it went really well. But that's the thing. He's letting the audience come to him. Yes. I was letting them come to him. That's what he does. That's what he does.

Whereas we're at the show Moe Face. So I was going, please. Oh, please. Please, come on in. I've put a pretty eye shadow on. I'm not at the tree. Please, look at my lovely eyes. So food is an inconvenience.

Can we tell the food story? Because it's not about Brian that's not out there in the public. But it is food related. Which one? I like food stories. When we were late for Manchester. Oh, yes. This is about what?

My mate who tour managed me was really, really stressed. He was not good at tour managing or organizing things or not getting drunk so that he was able to drive the next day. Yeah. Great guy. And we were half an hour late for Salford. Well, we didn't know until we arrived. OK.

Because he thought it was an eight o'clock start, but we arrived and they went, where the hell have you been? It's a 7.30 start. We were like, all right. OK, dear. And there was a really main room. Like the manager was really stressed.

It's 2,000 people. So they hadn't let in, I don't think. No, no. So they were all milling around, being angry. And he had to set the stage up, which takes 25 minutes normally. Yeah. And so I was clearly very angry

and he ran away to set the stage up. He came back into the dressing room and he was so stressed. Ed and I were sitting there. He was so stressed and upset and sweating and was saying, I think we're all right now. I think we're all right. All right.

And his catchphrase is chicken me up. I mean, who wants to chat about something. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it's very complicated. Chicken me up. But he came in and he'd managed to set the stage up in 10 minutes

and he had a family bag of kettle crisps in his hand. He came in and he goes, oh, Christ, that's... Oh, he never apologised. No, no, no. He goes, oh, that was stressful. I think we're all right now. They're letting them in and I set the stage up. Oh, my God.

What a night. Chicken me up. And then he banged his hands together on the crisp bag to reward himself with some lovely crisps for the stress. Yeah. And the bottom came out of it. And all of the crisps fell on the floor.

And he said, chicken me up. And he walked out of the room and we didn't see him. Yeah, that was it. Just as all is his reward. Or a tragic man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The perfect person to be on tour with Greg as well. And I think that was the night then. He had two espresso martinis. Just before he went to bed. Just before he went to bed. Yeah. He went, oh, anyway, I'm off to bed. And then the next morning he was like,

oh, I didn't get a wink of sleep. I can't work out why. Yeah. And we were going to Scotland that day and I had to drive. Yeah, great. Yeah. Absolutely not your job.

I was paying him. Yeah. Yeah. He was being paid to have a lovely old sleep. Yeah. Yeah. We always start with still a sparkling water, Greg. Oh, OK.

As you know, in all restaurants. Do you know Paul Shoudry? Yeah. Yes. Have you had him on? No, not yet. I mean, I would love to. I went for a meal with Paul Shoudry once

after filming a thing. And the waitress came up to us and went, can I get you a drink? And he goes, yes, do you have water? And she said, yes, I do. Still a little sparkling. And he went, what do you recommend? And I don't think Paul was joking.

It's something difficult to ever know. Sparkling, please. Sparkling water. Yeah, yeah. Now, I seem to remember a phase of you saying that you weren't going to have sparkling water anymore because someone had told you it was bad for you. My one of the senior figures that my management told me.

Yeah. Yeah. He told me that it blocks vitamins. What? What? Now, this is something you need to know about Greg. It's often he'll be told something and that will really stick in the forefront of his mind.

It becomes true. And it becomes true. So you believe that the bubbles block the vitamins? To a degree. It hasn't stopped me, though, because I don't care about vitamins being blocked. Because I simply take the vitamins via another route. But what do they think that?

Do you mean? They just don't know your ass yet. Yeah. You just put pure vitamins on your butt. I've got effervescent vitamin C tablets into my ass. Yeah. Let me tell you. It's quite the experience.

But you famously have quite a bubbly ass, don't you? So that's going to block the vitamins that way. That's it. That's all my next tour is called. Bubble ass. Bubble ass. Yeah. I wonder if anyone's done that.

Stuck some effervescent tablets on their macs. I'll eat anything that you can put up your butt. Someone's done it. Yeah. Someone's done it. Diet Coke and Mentos. And also, I guarantee. My brother-in-law was a bowel surgeon.

Yeah. And when he was training, they had a man called Lucky Dip, who was a patient called Lucky Dip, who was a life prisoner at a local prison. And whenever he fancied, like a couple of days in a nice hospital bed, he would just grab anything he could

and stick it up his ass. He said someone would come into the staff room really, really bored and go, oh, Christ, Lucky Dip's in. They were just going to hand-limb this week and they'd go and there'd be like a really big office stapler up his butt. But it's the fact they were so bored.

Oh, God. I'll say the most Lucky Dip rammed up there this week. And obviously Lucky Dip was not a nickname he had before this. They called the staff called him Lucky Dip. He wasn't going to even call himself Lucky Dip. I think it was as a result of his actions.

Yeah. The prisoners weren't calling him Lucky Dip. There was no one else was referring to him as Lucky Dip apart from the staff at this hospital. So, so vitamins. FFS and tablets up the ass. That's where we were. And vitamins would get blocked

if you have bubbly water. Allegedly, yeah, but it doesn't stop me because I love a lovely old burp, don't you? Yeah, burp is the job. It really sharpens the appetite up, I think. Yeah, you enjoy the burp. Yeah, get rid of the air so we could know. If you're in a restaurant, do you let it rip with the burp?

Oh, I'll do a stealth burp. Uh-huh, what was the technique? What was that? You blow it, you do it in your mouth and then you blow it. I burp into my mouth and then I blow it out. Blow it out of your nose? Mouth.

Straight out of the mouth. Yeah, I've got a deviated septum. Have you? Yep. Oh. Mark Andrews hit me with a stick. Who's Mark Andrews? He was the boy I went to school with.

What's he doing now? He lives in Telford. He didn't mean to. We were conquering. This has nothing to do with your podcast lads. It absolutely is. You were conquering. I was conquering.

You were collecting conquers or playing conquers. I wasn't taking over a nation. Oh, I genuinely thought you were playing a game where you had to take over a nation. Yeah, no, no. You were playing conquers and he hit you with a stick. Yeah, he was trying to get a conquer down from the drapes.

We decided that the naturally felled conquers wouldn't be as resilient as those still on the tree. So Mark went to throw a stick at the tree and I was behind him and he hit me in the nose, deviating my septum. Is deviated septum what people in the 90s used to get from Coke? Yeah.

I think they used to melt their septums away, didn't they? Yeah, they used to go with me. Like that with EastEnders who had one big hole in the mouth. Yeah, horrible. Horrible nose. Horrible. Anyone who was alive when that story was in the papers will never forget that.

I think it's the worst thing I've ever seen. We'll always remember it forever. Her sticking her tongue out at the camera and just that big hole. One big nostril. One big nostril there from being like, oh, I don't even know her name. I never watched EastEnders which was on it.

Daniela Westbrook. Daniela Westbrook. I can see her face clear as day right now. Defines the 90s for you, that, does it? Yeah, it'll be one of the last things I'll see before I die in my head. It'll be her sticking her tongue out with one big nostril. Tragic, isn't it?

But to be resilient enough to stick her tongue out is incredible, really. Yeah. She's had it rebuilt now, though, hasn't she? Yeah. I think she's had it rebuilt. It looks really natural as well. Good luck.

Well, can someone take a photo and put it on the front of a newspaper so we can all get a bit of the... I don't think it'll reinvent it for you. I think that'll always be there. I think that might remind more people. Sure. Anyway, wherever you are, Daniela,

I hope you're all right now. Yes. I hope you haven't got one big hole in your nose. So do you only have fizzy water because you drank too much still water as a swimmer and you were sick of it? Possibly. It's not something I've thought about.

Possibly. Do you think it'd be harder or easier to swim in fizzy water? Wow, I'd be enough to try that. Yeah. It'd be harder, I think. Do you think? Because you'd be drinking it.

You'd be doing it all. And I'd be burping, which would be forcing me to do it the other way. Yeah, yeah. I'd lose, shall I win? Who do you think would win a game of one push under water and fizzy water? You're right.

Good question. Me, it may always be. Because you're always sick and rich at the end of the game. It's easy, because I'm tall, because I've got leverage in my legs, but I would say it was power, technique, dedication, and respect. Respect.

Does deviant septum help you swim? No, if anything, it would function like a whale's big old mouth. It would be useful if I was eating plankton or whatever. Backstroke, it would be good, because oh, big breath. Big breath in. What do you know?

Through my mono-strill. Oh, yeah. Which one is the big one? I haven't got one big one. What? You're confusing me with Daniela Westbrook. Yeah, I was. I've just got a bent nose.

Oh, it's bent. Yeah, as you can see, I've got two holes. Oh, there you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a little feel, if you want. A little feel of your nostrils? Yeah. Can we pretend for the podcast that I did it?

They won't know at home. It's your podcast, mate. So, a few people I know who would say that, and I'm like, they'll actually let me do it. And I knew that you would just let me do it if I wanted to. You saw it in my eyes, right? Huh? You saw it in my eyes.

Well, I just know, you know, we've not met loads of times, but from the amount of times I have met you, I know that you would just let me do that. I would let you do that. Yeah, and so, like... I'll still let you do it. Yes, but I didn't want to do it. At any point now, for the rest of your life,

you can walk straight up to Greg and feel his nostrils. Yeah. Some people, some friendships are very tactile, though, aren't they? Yeah. Some friends like touching. I don't think you and I are tactile. That's interesting, isn't it? Is it?

I don't think we've... We've been in a hot tub together. Yeah, but we haven't really... So, a lot of boys hug and, you know, when they're telling stories, I'd give it a bit of that. Bit of a rub on the arm. We'll have a little hug when we see each other. We'll have a little hug when we see each other.

We'll have a little hug. Yeah, you hugged when you came into it. You hugged Ed and then you shook hands with me and Benito. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, that was like, this is my friend, Ed. Yeah, okay, that's what I did distinguish between...

It's quite nice. I thought, I don't know, I can't speak on Benito's behalf, but... Because I do know I've been through a lot together, really. Oh, I've been through a lot. When we first met, we were both very... Well, I was just thinking we were both very different people. Yes. But in fact, when we first met, Ed was fat and I was fat.

And now Ed's all thin and handsome and I'm fat. But you've got a beard now. Very handsome, though. Thank you. You've got a beard? I've got a beard. You wear cool, trendy glasses. Yeah, I do.

You didn't used to do that. That's true. You're quite a sexy man now. Thanks, man. Right back at you. Hey, thanks, mate. Feel his nostril. Okay, touch them.

There. That was all right, wasn't it? Yeah, I touched them. You genuinely did. Did a little touch. Well, I thought, if I don't do it now, it's going to run in pink. You see it in both of your eyes. Well, and now you think you've killed it, do you?

Yeah. You haven't touched the other one. Do I have it? I only got one of them. Is that why you deliberately turned your face so I could only get one? I'll get one nostril out of it. Save the other one. I also read that over 45 minutes.

Okay, sparkling water. Yeah. Pop it up as well, Brett. Pop it up as well, Brett. Fuck. That's the only time we've ever had that reaction, where you didn't jump at all, and you said it twice, and then you just... I almost hit him, no.

What? Yeah, the thing was to defend myself. Yeah, did feel like I was going to get punched then. What the fuck? What are you shouting at me? Pop it up as well, Brett. Okay, and that is, do I prefer them? I have heard you shout that before, actually.

You have one of them. Which one do you want? And Popitoms. Yeah. Really? Yeah. That's why you're a bread boy. That's why someone doesn't know his power as well as he thinks he does.

No, I'm surprised. I was a bread boy for a long time, but it's probably in the last couple of years I would prefer to have Popitoms. Does someone tell you that bread blocks calories or something? No, it just bloats me up. That's a good thing. It's all an ancient thing. It bloats me up like I'm bloated anyway,

but it bloats me up like a lovely, beautiful, pregnant lady. That sounds nice the way you put it. Yeah, I look nice, but it feels very uncomfortable. Yes. And this is how I live my life. I have something wrong with me, and I think, oh, that explains why I felt awful for years. Right.

That's great. So I went to the doctors and said, well, I've obviously developed celiac disease. Yes. Because if I have bread, I'd puff up like a lovely... So you phase it to the doctor? Yeah, like a pregnant lady. And he tested me for this.

And this is what happens every single time. He tested me for it, and I know you haven't got celiac disease at all, so that doesn't explain why you feel awful. That's a shame. So you can't work out why you feel awful. No, but I do get all puffed up with the bread, Popitoms. How many do you have? Oh, I always...

Always the person I'm with is a bit amazed that I've ordered as many of that as I have. I do order a lot of Popitoms. Same. I would have two. I have a... If I was eating with you, I'd have two plus two, plus two for the table. Two plus two, plus two for the table.

Yeah. So you'd order two for yourself, two for me, two for the table, but are we the only ones at the table? We're the only ones at the table. So you're having four. So you're having four, yeah. Get us on it. And I'd ask for extra sauces as well.

Oh, yeah. What do you make of this? My local couriers, Katie Tandori, I'm a big fan of it. Yes. Excellent. They have got a new policy, literally within the last 12 months. They'll bring you mango chutney and the green one.

Yeah, yeah. Right? And they won't bring you lime pickle unless you request it. Oh, wow. I've tried to get to the bottom of it. Is it too... They just go all quiet and shuffle away when I ask. I bet, yeah.

I literally said, last time I was there, can I have some lime pickle? And he went, yes, and he went and got me some. And I went, why do I have to ask for the lime pickle there? And his eyes went all cold and he just shuffled away. Oh, no. What's happened? Don't know.

They won't tell me. I mean, I'm assuming that not enough people eat the lime pickle. Like, I'm assuming not enough people make use of it. So they're like, we're sick of sitting out the lime pickle. So say that. Yes, yeah. Say that. So he didn't tell you.

It's not a popular dip, so we bring it out when requested. That makes sense. Maybe it's more expensive. Fine. Maybe they don't want people waiting here for free. But I'd be fine with that. I guess. Why is he not telling you?

Yeah. Yeah. And why has his eyes gone all cold? Like he's lost someone. Maybe he's lost someone. No, he hasn't lost someone every week. It's been going on for months. But maybe it's a lime pickle-based accident.

Yeah, it's something that had happened. And he wasn't like dishing out the lime pickle because he was lying to the line. That would work, but it's a variety of stuff I've asked. So unless they've all lost someone. It's something about the kitchen, right? Unless it was a bus-related lime pickle accident. Yeah, somebody who worked at the kitchen. So they all knew them.

Like when we stayed at that B&B in Harrogate. And there was a man, the man who ran the B&B kept warning us about the ice on the step. Winter warning. Winter warning. Winter warning. Now, it gets to the point where it's too blurred whether I can't work out whether it's what we invented or what he actually said. Are we giving him a whole backstory?

We gave him a whole backstory about his wife dying on a slippery step. And he wouldn't, the sources were all on a cabinet at the back of the room. And we went up to get our own sources and he went mad. And we went up to get our own sources and he went mad. Like, no, I'll get them! In fact, I don't, I hate to correct you, but we took the sources to our table. And he took them off our table. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And put them on. I said, ask me if you want sources. The winter warning, man. Yeah, and what do you want? The winter warning was that he did warn us twice about the step. Yeah, he warned us twice about the step. I think the fact that he'd lost his wife in an awful step accident. Oh, we invented it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, he probably didn't tell you that. Oh, we used to act out the conversation for hours. And it would always end with, I miss you so much! Which of course isn't funny if someone loses their wife. Well, it's not a real wife. Funny if you've never lost your wife, like, yeah. That's true.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, well, we didn't see a wife. And that step was slippery. Yeah, there was nothing proving that that didn't happen. It's a laugh away. So that could have been what happened with the line picker anyway. Yeah. But poppadoms.

Poppadoms, very nice to see. I love a poppadom, they don't bloat me up. Yeah. I'd argue I prefer them to the curry sometimes. I have the time of my life with a poppadom. Yeah, it depends where you are. How are you eating it? How?

Yeah, what's the technique? I'm snapping a bit off and I'm scooping some. You're snapping, you're not shattering and then picking up the shots. I don't like that. I don't. I'm glad you brought that up. Yeah. I don't like it when someone you're eating with

thinks it's okay to smash up the shatter the poppadoms for you. It's either the fuck or you. Who made you Dr. Shatter? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And you're touching my food. Yeah, appropriate.

Oh, yeah, get that all done. We'll get that all done. Yeah. So when you go to your restaurant, someone says, shall I order for us? No. Yeah. Anyway, are you mixing your dips ever?

Or do you just have one per little piece? I'll mix mango and green. Okay. I won't mix lime pickle, it's too pure. Yeah, let's have that. I'll mix mango and green, all right, though, won't you? I've really got to. Sometimes, yeah, you've got to take the sweet edge of the mango

sometimes. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll mix mango with pretty much any of them, but not lime pickle because it's crazy. But I've really got into lime pickle like this. You're just saying that because I suggest it was madness

to mix things with? No, because I genuinely don't mix things with lime pickle because it is a crazy flavor. It is, it's madness. It's already madness. It shouldn't be real. I definitely wouldn't mix it with mango chutney. Yeah.

Because that's too much. I might mix lime pickle with something else to take the edge of it. It's ridiculous. It would be like mastering a dance and then having a big chainsaw with it. I heavily resent the fact. I haven't even said the accusation that I would say

that I don't mix anything with lime pickle just to impress you and be in with you because you said it earlier. I think it's. So now I'm like, yeah, me neither, Greg. No, I never mix anything with lime pickle. I'm just like you. It's interesting we've touched on that.

It's in security so quickly. I just think it's a social convention to sometimes pretend. No way. Oh yeah, I would not. I'll not along with anyone. What? Yeah. I'm not along with anyone.

Are you doing that now, Ed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just need to say what Greg said. It's a social convention. I don't forget it. Yeah, it is. This could be a social convention, these two. Or it could be.

That's the great thing about being human. You can choose what to give of yourself. Just tap my elbow. We come to your starter. Please. And why not? You're not going to like this. I've really thought about this.

We're not going to like it. No, I don't think you're going to like it. Neither of us are going to like it. And I am firm in my decision. Okay, this is great. I don't think anyone's ever upset both of us at the same time. Maybe we've had some people upset. Oh yeah, maybe, yeah.

But like no one going in this defiant from the get go. I might be wrong. You're going to like this. This might have been done before. Okay. Big sip. Take the big big sip of his drink. Ready to drop it on us?

Yeah. Pass. What? I don't agree with the starter. Oh, man. I absolutely love it. I mean, it is unacceptable. Because for one, Ed doesn't start.

A boy, he loves starters. Why would you think it's the best bit? This is great. It's a bonus main. It's on a little plate. Trouble in paradise. It's the equivalent to going for a haircut and saying, can I have a trim, please?

Now can I have a haircut? It's not the equivalent of that at all. Ed, it's totally surgery right for having other friends besides me. It's nice to put it out there. Whenever I go for a meal with anyone and they go, oh, I think I'll have a starter. I genuinely resent them and it ruins the meal for me.

Wow. Because you don't want a starter so you're annoyed that your meal's taking longer. But just have a starter. I do. Yeah, you have a starter and you enjoy it. And I don't enjoy it. You don't enjoy it.

No, I don't enjoy it. No matter what it is, you don't enjoy it. I order the starter that I think will take the least amount of time to prepare so that I can then get onto my meal. But the meal is the starter. I pass. No, you can't pass.

I help pass. You can't. Well, fine, then we're bringing you out an empty plate and you have to sit here for as long as it would take you to eat a starter. As often I do when I'm out with rude people. Rude people. You think people order starters are rude.

It's the same as shattering poppadoms for me. Why? Because I have to sit while you have your starter. Do you like eating out? You just want to get home as quick as possible. No, I want to enjoy my main course and I'll luxuriate in the time I take to eat my main course. I can't believe this.

It's funny. We've never had a pass before. I pass. Right, let's ask the follow-up questions. Is there anywhere in particular that you enjoyed not having a starter? At all restaurants. Name some of the restaurants

that you enjoy an empty plate at. You've not even had one starter in your whole life that you were like, that was delicious. And that you would want as your starter now. I find it, I find it, let me think how to phrase it, unwanted commercialised foreplay. That sounds lovely. I'm hard.

Let's eat. Yeah, sure. So you see the starter is sort of, yeah. Yeah, and it messes with my taste buds as well. I'm looking at that big main course here it comes. Starters or foreplay. Starters. Starters get away from that.

Yeah, starters. So just know, that's just amazing. No one's done this. I mean, it's a ball and move. I saw your eyes light up. Oh, because I knew. You don't seem to mind it though. No, because basically I'm a dessert boy.

Ed's a starter boy. It's the best. I knew it would cut to the core of him. Most of the time we have people come on and try and wind me up with awful dessert choices. But today. I listened to one where you got really angry about that. Yes.

Someone, I think it was Daisy Mae Cooper suggested that desserts don't have flavour. Yeah, absolutely livid. Nice to hear someone genuinely angry. Desserts don't have flavour. I think she even said like sweet stuff doesn't have flavour or something like that. You just said the word sweet.

Doesn't have flavour. On a car journey once Ed and I ate 12. Crispy creams. Crispy creams. We actually, we bought them on the way to the gig from a little kiosk at W.H. Smith. Yes. We bought a full family size box.

And then I think we ate three each on the way to the gig. Did the gig. And our manager came back with this in the car afterwards and he had one and then we ate the rest. Yeah. Wow. And I, and I'm from memory I think Ed, I felt like I was going to lose my mind forever.

Yeah, that's just like you're going to go insane. One crispy cream doughnut makes you feel a bit mad. And I'm not diabetic. Yeah, you're sure. But I felt like I was risking my life. I honestly do not know how I did it. I don't know how I did it. Well, you were giving yourself a little injection more often.

Well, yeah, I was giving myself many injections, but still now I wouldn't even attempt that now. It's awful. I had one recently and I felt like I could jump over a car. Yeah. No. Right. Okay.

This is great. I was hoping this was going to happen too. Greg's phone. This is fucking creepy. Greg's phone has started playing a song and they, the screen is blank and it does not suggest there's a call or a text coming through. And there's still no call or text.

So you've never heard that music before. And my phone is on silent. Okay. Your phone's on silent. That is deep state stuff, isn't it? Your phone's on silent. You've never heard that piece of music before, ever. Never, ever.

It's not one of the jingles that's attached to my text or my phone calls. When you say it's deep state stuff, you think the government's playing music onto your phone. Well, I'm not playing. Yeah, but what could possibly be the benefit to the government to suddenly play a little jingle on your phone? It's, well, let's think about it logically.

Yes. It's taken us off track of what we were talking about. Right. Which was Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Yeah. And they don't want us to talk about that. They don't want us to talk about Krispy Kreme. They might have thought it was sugar with the Krispy Kreme.

So no starter. No starter. Oh. We should have, oh. Pass. But, but it's the like the main bit. Maybe you'll remember this next time. Next time you and I are eating together.

It's not the main bit. The main bit would be the main core set. It's got the word main in it. Yeah, but for me, it's the main bit, but it's the exciting little bonus. It's an exciting bonus. I went out my family this weekend for a meal and we had to all have a starter

because my nine-year-old niece wanted a starter. She sounds great. It's insane. It's insane that a table full of adults went, well, if she wants a starter, we should all have a starter. What the fuck? What did she have? She wouldn't be in the room if it was up to me.

I love her, but she'd be in a separate room. Sure. Just with a big bowl of sugar or whatever. What did she have to start? I don't know. I was too angry. White with a white hot anger. But you had a starter, didn't you?

I actually respects the meal, the format. I'm trying to think whether I did. I think I did just to spite myself because I was so angry that I knew it was going to take ages. And then they all left their meals. That's what winds me up. There were eight of us around the table and six people didn't get close to finishing their main courses.

Because they'd all had a starter. Yeah, of course they'd had a deep fried prawn that was average. Peer-pressed it into it by a nine-year-old. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, would you make it this? Yeah. We went for our meal, which we booked weeks in advance.

Yeah. And we got there at 6.40. Yeah. We were old people there, so my mum was there, so we had to go early. We sat down to eat. The waitress came over and went, welcome, you'll need to be away from this table by eight. We booked it weeks ago.

That's not good. Well, it's not on. Well, if you'd had your way, you would have been away by 7.15. No, I wouldn't. Yeah, you wouldn't. You were only having two-thirds of a meal. Pass. I think two hours is acceptable.

When you book a table and they say, at the time of booking, you have two hours. They need to sell the phone. You have two hours. They got to tell you that you need two hours. They didn't say it. And certainly not an hour, 20 is not enough. Oh, hold on a second.

Your mum booked it. Yeah. Oh, they definitely said it. They said it. My mum is not going to enjoy you judging them from a distance. Well. But I take your point. Your main course, Hungry Boy.

Yeah. Well, it's not very controversial, to be honest. I don't know how we're going to get banter out of it, but I'm just sort of telling the truth. I'll tell you what. If you have a starter as your main, I'll love it. If you go like a prawn cocktail. It's five long thin crispy prawns.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me see why I wrote it down, lads. Oh, you wrote it down? Yeah. My actual bit of paper as well. Yeah, a big bit of paper. Wow. Not even in your phone.

Did you write pass down? Did you take the time to write pass? Yep. I wrote pass. This is a proper bit of paper. Yeah, I did a bit of prep. I wrote, I don't like a starter. It's an expensive mini meal.

That's what I wrote. Yeah. It's difficult, isn't it? Can I have whatever I want for my main course? Absolutely. It's a dream restaurant you pick whatever you want. Right, this is what I'd like. I'd like a fillet steak cooked medium.

Oh, my God. Uh-oh. Okay, and get this. If this is the dream restaurant, I'll say a fillet steak cooked medium with some peppercorn sauce, and when the waiter or waitress looks at me, if I see one hint, even a flicker of her eyebrow, that suggests that she or the chef will disapprove of me having my fillet steak cooked medium,

I will stand up and walk out of the dream restaurant and go to another one. Okay. We don't look at Ed now, then. I'm not the waiter, though. No, he's the... I'm the manager and I'm in the office. I love it. I love all this.

He's the matriodine. I love it. I love it. I love it. I mean, I'm sure we've had this argument before. Sure we have. But you've had the, you've picked the worst cut of steak. Not for me.

He's my favorite cut of steak. No, there's no flavor. There is. And what little flavor there was, you have just fried out of it. The texture is sensational. Still got a bit of pink medium. The texture is not sensational. It is for me.

The texture of a fillet steak cooked medium is like the soul of a Clark's school shoe. Maybe from your oversensitive mouth. Maybe you've got the mouth of an octopus or something. I can't believe you've not had a starter to save yourself for this piece of old leather. You've obviously not eaten a steak in the place where I've eaten it. That's what I'm having. I'm having a medium steak. Medium.

I'm having a medium steak. He's holding this piece of paper like it's an actual menu now. It's a whatever it is. What's that? A3. A3 bit of paper. And you're holding it like it's a menu and looking at it properly. I'd say like.

Do you know what else I'm going to have? Well, hang on. Is it, we've got a side dish choice coming up. But are you? Oh, have I? Okay. Or are you incorporating this as the whole meal and then another side dish? If you want to say the both now, you can.

I want to tell you what I want on the table in front of me for my main. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. I want a fillet steak. I want it cooked medium. And I'd like some peppercorn sauce on the side. I would then like, and I'm not saying this to be funny. This is what I would like.

I would like a jar of pesto with a spoon in it. What? What are you talking about? This is my dream meal, right? Yeah, for sure. It's your dream meal. But why is that part of the meal? Palate cleanser.

Palate cleanser. I think pesto is the opposite of the palates cleanser. I think pesto would basically coat the palate. Yes, pesto just, you could be tasting that for hours. Yeah, pesto is something that repeats. I've got to tell you, I toyed with having a jar of pesto with a spoon in it as my main course. What? I did.

Because Roisin Connerty and I sat over a jar of pesto. Like two mythical creatures with two spoons and we just ate it once. And that was our whole meal. You were Roisin? Yeah. Right, we're getting Roisin on the podcast. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

So is this the side dish, or does this come as part of the main? How did you eat a jar of pesto between your raw? You've had it raw, right? I've had some pesto on things, haven't I? It is a taste explosion. I must say, I've had some times where I've stood at the fridge and eaten pesto like a yogurt. Oh my God, it is amazing. And to be able to have a lovely bite of steak.

He's never done that. I have, mate. Yeah, I do believe that you have. It's delicious. What? Eat peanut butter with a spoon as well. Oh yeah, that's normal. Ironically, that was the night.

Tell me to give away Greg's pudding. Roisin and I ate the jar of pesto. It was a night where she was really drunk and she was threatening to make her favorite pasta dish. Right. And for the entire evening, she'd listed the ingredients and go into the pasta. And then we ended up just eating the jar of pesto with a spoon. But she could just kept going, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's going to have sausage, bacon, carrots. So you've got the fillet steak cooked medium, the peppercorn sauce to moisten up that piece of

paper. Correct. And then a jar of pesto with a spoon. This is all part of the main meal, not a side dish. It's all on the table in front of me. Obviously, the star attraction is the medium cooked fillet steak. That's a star attraction, is it? Yeah.

The medium cooked fillet steak. Have you ever tried, sorry, I don't sound too... It's about texture for me, Jack. Have you ever tried a steak cooked another way? Yes. I've had a rare steak. What was that like for you? I don't like the slimy texture.

I'm not a cat. I'm not a wild cat. No one was accusing you of being a cat. No, well, you lived, there was a gap there. Do you think someone accused you of being a wild cat? Did you hear in your head I'd say, well, you're a fucking cat? Well, that's the suggestion, isn't it? If you're prepared to eat meat that raw, you may as well eat it from the vine, so to speak.

Yeah. Jump on a deer and have a bite of it. I don't think that's true at all. That's not true at all, Greg. For a cat. So, I mean... People who eat steak tartare, they should be driven... Love steak.

Driven from the country. I really think that. I love steak. Clear an island. Clear the Isle of Wight, whatever, and put them all on that. I mean, let them literally bite raw cows. Where are you from? Where are you from?

Raw cows? Where are you putting people who live on the Isle of Wight? Yeah, I've not thought it's true. Also, I think all the people who have a rare steak, as they get pushed off on this boat, will feel a bit... It feels a bit rich when the person pushing them off is eating a jar of pesto, just waving them off of spooning pesto himself. That's been a road sense, isn't it? Waving them off on the beach.

See you later. That's the sign of human life with a jar of pesto. It's been treated and prepared. Right. I honestly think a rare steak is akin to biting a cow. Well, you're wrong. Yeah. There you go.

I don't like the slimy texture. But you have a medium rare. Medium rare? Yeah, I've had medium rare. Okay. Too slimy for me. What? It's not slimy.

It's not slimy. No, I got to the acceptable point of non-sliminess at medium, and I'm happy with my choice. And I'll continue to order medium steaks. And I will walk out of restaurants if they suggest that I... How many times have you walked out of restaurants because they've put a new judge in? Because it's always been imperceptible,

just a raise of an eye. But you'll be able to... You know it's happened. I would, yeah. And you'll... Would you say it to other people? When they leave, we say to the people you're dining with.

I went to a restaurant once, and they refused to give me... Right. The waitress said Chef won't do that, so I didn't eat there. You just went home. No, I had a drink. Okay, I'll eat.

She went, okay. Great. Yeah. I mean, I'm on your side there. Yeah, I think that's fair enough. You're on. Your side. Are you?

Yeah. I'm on your side as well. Absolutely. I think you should be able to get what you want. Especially if it's a steak, and you're paying for it. And there's too many medium... Whatever.

He won't do that. I'm not eating nothing, it's a perfectly fine response. But I think you should have taken a lesson from that. And the lesson is... Don't eat medium steak. Yes. But the chef's a professional,

he knows what he's doing. Have you ever had a medium fillet steak? Yes. Lovely, right? I thought it was, and then I started having medium rare, and was like, oh, I've been an idiot my whole life.

Yes. So I really... Feels like you. I really felt... Feels like you might be insulting me there, Jim. I really felt like, oh, I've been a stupid idiot forever. Stupid, big old...

Yes. Big old fat, valid idiot. Well, I didn't call myself that. Well, look, it's your... Look, and it's your dream meal. So, you've got the medium fillet steak. Yeah. You've got peppercorn sauce.

Yeah. You've got a jar of pasta with a spoon. Yeah. Is there anything else coming as part of the main meal before we move on to the official side dish? Yes. Bowl of macaroni cheese. Some cream spinach.

Some onion rings. Is it all side dishes? These are all side dishes. And a red Thai curry. And that is honestly my dream main meal. Now, Greg, this is what happens if you don't have a starter. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that is mad that you've had no starter, and you've had so many dishes. No, that's not it. You could have had macaroni cheese as your starter. Macaroni cheese as the starter, and just saved it until we bring the main part. I'm only dipping in and out of the macaroni cheese.

I don't want to consume the macaroni cheese. Well, you are. No, so hang on. What do you mean you're dipping in and out of it? You're eating it. That's consuming it. You're not dipping your finger in and out of it. The star attraction is the steak.

Right. Right. Yeah. So I'm going to have a mouthful of steak. Oh, that's lovely. I love that texture. Just not slimy enough. Yeah.

Then I'm going to go, maybe I'll have a mouthful of pesto. A mouthful of pesto. A mouthful of pesto after that. Yeah. And then I'll go back to the steak. And then I think, oh, maybe something from the Orient. And I'll have a nice bit of Thai chicken.

Yeah. Have a drink. But then I'm back to the steak. I'm always back to the steak. It's the fulcrum of the meal. So the steak sits in the middle and everything else sits around it like a clock, right? Like a clock, yeah.

Yeah. Correct. And you work your way around the clock. Like a half clock. Like a half clock. A demi-clock. I don't want to be reaching into the middle of a circle to eat my steak.

No. Yeah. A demi-clock. A demi-clock. Well, I think since you've passed on your starter, then we can let you have this many things in your main. I am going to have that. I think that's like, well.

But what about when it, side dish is the next question. Do you have something else for that? Or is that? I didn't know that was a thing, a side dish. So there we go. Side dish is like mac and cheese. So you're, so you're having all that for your main.

You're passing on starter and you're passing on side dish. But a side dish would come with the steak, right? Yeah. Right. But you've got a lot there. So that's something you've got. I've sort of covered it, haven't I? Mac and cheese is your side.

Yeah, I think you've covered it. Yeah. Red Thai curry is pretty much your starter. But I think I'd refuse to call it a side, these things side dish because they're very much, they're very much the numbers on the clock of my meal. So I was just thinking we could put you in the middle of a sort of circular table.

Yeah. Yeah. And have the steak in front of you on a little table and then everything else is on a rotating thing. So you can like click it in front of you. Yeah. I mean, I don't know that I need that much help. I think I can just reach over.

Yeah. To save you creating a mechanical table. Right. So no starter. Your main is medium fillet steak with peppercorn sauce, a jar of pesto with a spoon, onion rings, mac and cheese, and a Thai red curry. Yeah.

And they are arranged in a demi-clock. In a demi-clock around the steak. Thank you. Okay. It's a special episode, Christmas episode. We're going to ask you what your dream Christmas dinner is. Yeah. I mean, I could only...

It's going to be fairly pedestrian, isn't it? Is it? It's going to be bread sauce with a spoon in it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, just cranberry sauce on a drip. What are you having? I mean, it's bog standard, isn't it? Straight up bog standard.

Yeah. But is it... I mean, I would say since I left home, I have discovered that there's been a lot of people who have been doing this for a very long time. I would say since I left home, I have discovered that Turkey is not necessarily the driest of all meats.

No, you're a medium-famous guy. I'm afraid it would just be fairly traditional. Yeah. Do you always go to your mums for Christmas? I always spend... I have always spent Christmas with my mum. So either at my sister's or at my mum's house, yeah. And who...

So does your mum cook Christmas dinner if you're in your mums? Yeah. Still. And how's that? Is that something you look forward to? Still trying those turkeys out. So is that not necessarily a Christmas dinner though? I always wonder why she's bought such a big turkey

because she lives in the farming community and she comes in and it looks like there's some feet of strength for her to bring this outsized, drugged burden. You know, they must have treated it with chemicals for it to be that big. Then I find out why. It's because she cooked it for 48 hours. So it reduces by the size of a normal turkey. Yeah.

Yeah. So you're having a lovely old dry turkey. I'm a lovely dry turkey. I've got to be careful about slagging my mum's cooking off because I think she's... She's an alright cook. And it takes a lot of effort, of course, on Christmas day. And it's a big thing, you know, she's knocking on.

But she does a lovely roast, I think. Yes. I would say this. Yes. I would say that she's progressed in recent years. She's come to the conclusion only in recent years that vegetables don't need to be cooked to the point that they're about to lose their solidity.

Yeah. So in recent years, the roasts have become more flavoursome. Now, in terms of the veg and the side dishes for the Christmas dinner, what needs to be on there for you? Well, all I'm interested in is the sausages. Of course. Yeah. The pigs in blankets.

The pigs in the blankets. Yeah, they're not pigs in... We don't have pigs in blankets. You have full sausages. We just have... They're thin sausages. Right. Just tossed around the turkey.

But they're not... Liberally just told... I couldn't tell you why we've never done that. No? No. I can't... I went to a ping pong the other day. The chain dims some place.

Yes. And they're doing... That's the pigs in blankets. Yeah, well, they're doing their own, like, version of pigs in blankets, where they're in, like, a crispy kind of shell. Like a pigs in blanket wonton. Yes, exactly like a pigs in blanket wonton.

That sounds amazing. They were very nice. It's on that special limited Christmas menu. They do sound good. They do sound lovely. Like, in bacon, it's Christmas. Yeah. Yeah.

I've been enjoying a few Christmas items on different menus. I was in Mildred's the other day, the vegetarian place, and I got a... Oh, it's a snowball. So, it's got, like, you know, a bit of booze in it and stuff. It's a drink, right? Yeah, it's a drink. Yeah.

And there's, like, it's a maker's mark in there and amaretto, and there's some gingerbread stuff in there, but I had it hot, a hot snowball. But it also sounds like madness. Quite milky. Yeah, that's very you that, though. You could do that. You could have about four of them, couldn't you?

Yeah, I could. Quite happily, I'd have a vat of that. It was delicious. Mainly, Christmas drinks are someone lazily tossing some cinnamon into a drink. Yeah, cinnamon. But I think that feels like an American thing, as well. Repugnant addition to any dish, cinnamon.

I hate cinnamon. I like cinnamon. Do you? Yeah. Well, I can't believe you two don't like it. I don't like it. No, I don't like it. What?

I don't think it adds anything. That's great. Especially at Christmas time. I think cinnamon's an arsehole, James. What? It comes in and it ruins everything. It's lovely. Especially at Christmas, you have a little sniff of it.

Ah. It ruins it. It's like a drunk person at a Christmas party. It is. Just comes in. Aren't I funny? No, I'm not funny. Yeah, you're not sophisticated.

No, you're not funny. You're drunk. Go ahead. Are you really ruining the flavour of this party? Cinnamon thinks it's funny. It does. It thinks it's hilarious. Cinnamon's a real look at me.

Yeah. Herb? Have you? It's not a herb. Spice. Spice. You've seen the cinnamon challenge. It thinks it's hilarious.

Yeah, I have seen the cinnamon challenge. Obviously, yeah. Coming out of that guy's nostrils. Saw Lou Sanders do it live on stage. What is the cinnamon challenge? Well, you've got to have a teaspoon full of cinnamon and keep it in your mouth without having any water. What happens?

You can't do it. You can't do it. Why? Because it's just too dry and spicy and it all comes out your nostrils. There's a very funny video of a man who's a radio DJ. But he's like one of these radio DJs, you know?

Yeah. One of those guys. And he's like, these absolute rubbish these kids are doing saying you can't keep cinnamon in your mouth. Absolute nonsense. Well, I'm going to do it right now. And he does it and he's about to die. Yeah, he really is.

He goes real immediately. It's not a bad time at all. It all comes out his nose. Oh, I'm going to watch that. Yeah, we'll watch that after. Suck up your street. I wish I'd known it when I was a kid, actually, because we had a game when I...

Me and my sister had a game. The blindfolded taste test. How many games do you have, sister? We grew up in a rural area. We would sit cross-legged on the floor. My mum's food cupboard was at floor level, like all food cupboards should be. We would sit cross-legged, open the thing, the cupboard.

And I would blindfold my sister. And this is what happened every time. And we played this game 10 times, at least. I would blindfold my sister, and then I would get a dessert spoon and fill it full of instant coffee. And then I would go, ready? And put it in her mouth.

And she would go, ah, Jesus Christ, it's coffee, it's coffee. And it was always coffee. It's coffee again. And then once she'd recovered, she'd say, my turn, I'd say, I don't want to play any more. Yeah, every time. Great. And it never changed.

It was always coffee. But she'd always do it. And she would even say, don't put coffee in this time. I'm like, I'm not going to put coffee in again, am I? And then I always put coffee in. So bog standard Christmas dinner. Yeah. Past nips.

Yes, past nips. Carrots. Oh, my God. This isn't another lucky dip story, is it? My mate went out, I won't name him. My mate went out with his sister and her new boyfriend recently. And he said, he wasn't sure about the guy. He seemed quite monosyllabic and he couldn't get much out of him.

And they had a roast. And all of a sudden, the roast got put down in front of the new boyfriend. And the new boyfriend went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck is that? And my friend went, that, that is a past nip. That's got to be a deal breaker, isn't it? For a new boyfriend, if he doesn't know what a past nip is. He didn't know.

And even when my mate told him, he went, well, I've never seen one of them before. Fuck it, past nip. It's not like a jackfruit. So pretty bog standard Christmas dinner. Christmas pudding after? Yes. Ah, now here's where I can go off piece a little bit, because one of the best things my mum's ever introduced to the world

is butter fried Christmas pudding on Boxing Day. Oh, I do that too. Have you done it? My dad does it. James, I have once, it was delicious. Absolutely. Oh my God. My dad does it because I think he's on a mission to have a heart attack.

Yeah, it is. So yeah, just butter in the pan, Christmas pudding. I now do that. It is absolutely delicious. Stick it in a bowl, put brandy butter on top of it. And then, oh no, put fresh cream on top of that. Yes. And put custard on top of that.

I mean, I would. I'd certainly include it on the dessert Demi-Clock. Yeah, absolutely. It's got to be in there. Oh, I hope we have a Demi-Clock for dessert as well. I love Christmas pudding. It is good. And it's one of those things that I'm so glad I didn't like it as a kid,

because it's so nice to discover a new thing that you like as an adult. And I love that Christmas pudding so much. That's just reminding me. Do you think they'll have the Christmas pudding gelato at Jalupo now? Oh, baby! I hope so. And also, I hope that Naked have done their Christmas pudding naked, but I love that as well.

Jalupo. Hello. Best ice cream shop in the world. Jalupo at Jalupo. Jalupo at Jalupo at Jalupo. Did you say Jalupo at? No, just Jalupo. It's called Jalupo.

But I'm sure you said Jalupo at Jalupo or something like that. No, I think you said that. No. OK. Just Jalupo. OK. Best ice cream shop. They do, every year, they do a Christmas pudding gelato.

And it is phenomenal. And an eggnog one. And an eggnog one. I like that one. Yeah. I don't know what eggnog is. I don't know what it is either. I don't know what it is.

I like it. You've put one in your mouth, but you didn't know what it was. Yeah. Well, I thought it was a drink. Yeah, it's a drink. Quite a milky, thick drink. I guess, eggy, milky drink. Which sounds disgusting.

I think it's like an eggy custard, isn't it? Yeah, like an egg custard. OK. But before it's set. Yes. Do you like egg custard? Yeah, I don't mind. Yeah, you might like that.

It was very much my dad's favourite, the egg custard. Watching him consume an egg custard was, God rest his soul, repulsive. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're moving back to your regular, well, say regular. Man, that's the weirdest thing we've ever had.

Yeah. Is it? Mm, there's been a few weird ones. You've got one happy customer. But I'll tell you what. Oh, yeah. Well, that's good. I'm glad.

If someone had told me before this, that your meal would be, like, very similar to Luzanda's meal, I would not have believed them. But the fact that you and Lou are more similar than I thought. Is it? I thought, yeah, just absolutely mental. Her main course was what she referred to as global tapas.

Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Aw, maybe I should go for a lovely meal with Luzanda's. Yeah, you should. Oh, you absolutely should. But where, if you go to a restaurant, she makes them change every single thing on the menu

before they bring it to her. Yes. Her spiritual advisor told them to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. It's Jill in the Pyrenees. Yeah. OK, so you've got your drink order now.

We need to hear what your drink is, please. You won't like this, as well, because it sounds like a bit Luzanda's madness. But it's the dream restaurant, so I can choose what I want. And I am going through a heavy strawberry milkshake phase. What? What? So that's what I would have.

Right. I'm really happy. But we have lovely booze drinks together. We'd love to hang out and have a drink, wouldn't we? I can add a separate booze. No, no, no, no. You get one choice. Oh, I'll stick with it.

I'm watching the friendship fall apart. With every single course. You make a lovely margarita. Yeah. We enjoy a rosé together. You're the most lovely milkshake. I didn't... I thought we were just talking about our...

Yeah, drink it. Yeah, this is it. This is the drink with your meal, yeah. I'm a very faddy individual, Ed. You know that. I know. We've not even talked about the powder that you used to put on your food.

Yeah. What? I don't. I put a special powder on it. Greg came to me one day and he went, do you want to do this powder on your food? I went, what? He went, I've bought this magic powder.

It really sorts your insides out. Yeah. Yeah, so for a while he bought this powder from Holland and Barrett and started sprinkling it over all of his food to make sure he had like regular shits. Oh, no. You're mixing it up with a healthy bacteria stuff

that I sprinkled on my food. Well, you were sprinkling a lot of stuff on your food. Yeah, the stuff for healthy bowel movements has to be consumed as a gelatinous drink. Right. OK. But at one point you were taking powder and sprinkling it on your meals.

This is how I live my health life. Any person comes up to me and says, you should consume this supplement and it'll make your life better. And I go, OK, I don't need to know your qualifications. And I was told to take this bacteria powder that you sprinkle on your food by a man I employed to drive a van.

And I saw him doing it. And I went, Mark, what's that? He goes, oh, it's this special stuff that makes you, makes everything better. Uh-huh. So I went, oh. And he said, it's a special powder. It makes everything better.

One more left. That's what you heard. Yeah. I'll do that for three months before I accept it's not making me better. You know, it was that sort of advice that led Daniela Westbrook to have a melted septum. Yeah.

So, oh, did it taste of anything, this powder? No. And it made no difference to my life whatsoever. But it cost me, you know, 60, 70 pounds over the course of three months. But what I find amazing is, I mean, his only qualification is the driving license. Yeah.

Yeah. As far as I can work out. But you, you just took it, took it as gospel. Just took it. So you're a fabby. He's not even fit himself. Just like, you know, fat, tired, middle-aged man. So it's like, I'm good.

But I'll take that then. So I can look how I already look for 70 pounds. So you're going through a phase at the moment of strawberry milkshakes. Honestly, I'm drinking so much of it. How much? I've actually been to the doctor and I'm not joking. You've been to the doctor because you're worried about

your strawberry milkshake. Because of how much milk I'm going to consume. Because I think there might be something wrong. I'd imagine the doctors' advice would be, stop drinking strawberry milkshakes. He did a blood test and he said that your phosphate levels are really down. And that is, you get phosphates from milk.

I don't have blood tests. Oh, so I'm craving, I'm craving milk. Oh, I mean, you're insane. I'm not saying. The doctor said, are you craving milk? I said, that's why I've come to you. Yeah.

I'm drinking hundreds of strawberry milkshakes. So your phosphate levels are down, so that's why you're drinking strawberry milkshakes all the time. Yeah. That makes sense, Ed. What's the problem with that? But you're craving milk.

Yeah. At what point does the strawberry and the ice cream come into play? I don't put ice cream in it. You don't put ice cream in it? No, I don't. What comes, where do you get these strawberry milkshakes from?

I've ordered two large bottles of syrup, one strawberry, one raspberry. You're making them at home? I keep them in my fridge. Oh, so it's not fresh. It's not fresh stuff. Making them at home. No, it's syrup.

Oh, yeah, no, it's syrup, yeah. They're not fresh strawberries. I'm making them at home. It's making strawberry milkshakes at home. I'm making them in a cocktail shaker. So you're in a big strawberry milkshake phase because your phosphates are down. I'm really going through it.

That's not even a strawberry milkshake. It all links to childhood, doesn't it? I've sort of worked it out that everything links to some childhood trauma. And my mum wouldn't let us slurp the last bit of a strawberry milkshake. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because apparently it's the rudest thing

on earth to do. Noisy. So I really go to town. So do you think it's an adult? I slurp every last molecule up. What you're trying to do is you've added up all of the last bits of the strawberry milkshakes that you haven't been able to slurp

and you're trying to drink that much. And now I'm drinking them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you better look at it because this is like someone else who has, you know, childhood trauma milkshake, milkshake related childhood trauma. Do you have milkshake related?

Yeah, I spoke about it on the podcast. Well, there's an episode where I spoke about how I love to dip fries in milkshakes. And then, you know, like giving grief for it being disgusting. And then my mum, also there was another episode where we talked about McDonald's and how I never went to McDonald's

because my parents were like McDonald's is awful. Mine too. Yes. And yet my mum was happy for me to eat loose mince beef. It was only apparently when it was shaped and some level of flavour was added to it that it was bad. Yeah, that's what it's about.

Plate fulls of loose mince beef with water. Water and mince beef. Sorry, James, go. No, absolutely fine. But yeah, my mum basically heard the podcast episode where I talked about dipping the fries in the milkshake and she said, that's why we stopped going to McDonald's was because you and your sister did that

and it was disgusting. And I told you, I was like, oh, that's why, like, my whole life I haven't dipped the fries in the milkshake and I started doing it again as an adult. I was like, why have I not done this before? And you felt weird about it. It's because I was shamed into never doing it again. So me and you were both doing things as adults

with milkshakes that we didn't get to do as kids. I think we're always doing tiny rebellions throughout our whole lives. And I genuinely drink it with a straw at home and go, and I'm internally going, yeah, do you like that? I do love my mum, by the way. Yes, so I also love my mum. Yes, I love my mum as well.

We move on. No food based trauma. If anything, I should have been stopped more. So strawberry milkshake. Yes. Do you want the one you've made at home? I would have chosen, if I thought it had to be booze, I would have chosen.

No, it doesn't have to be booze. I'm just surprised that you won't have to do strawberry milkshake. Ed was just had his heart broken because he thought we're going to hear about some great booze that me and Craig love drinking together. Oh, you make a lovely margarita? I love making a lovely margarita. Yeah, it makes it in a big chair.

I've heard about it with a little tap on the bottom. I've heard about this. I've heard about your margarita from Meg, because that's how famous they are. Really, it ruins people. Oh, absolute rocket to you. Parties I've had, like the last days of Rome within 10 minutes, it's awful.

Tables have been smashed. Things get broken. Not in a good way. Not in a like, oh, sexy, we're on a good time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just saying everyone's ill. I'd have the same effect if I got homes from my car exhaust. So strawberry milkshake,

one that you've made at home, or do you want someone else to make it? No, I'll make it. You'll make it. No, I'll make it. I'll bring it with me. I'll stick it in a thermos. OK.

Oh, no. Pour it out. So that teases up. I'm going to a big whiskey phase at the moment. We'll have to talk about that. All right, yeah. Very good. Do you want some whiskey in your milkshake?

Boo shake? Why don't I pop a little bit in the strawberry milkshake? Pop a whiskey in the strawberry milkshake. It's great, innit? I don't know. Oh, whiskey in a milkshake, it's brilliant. Oh, that is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't necessarily say whiskey in a strawberry milkshake is good. Yeah, maybe a vanilla. Let's find out. Yeah. Pop in a bit of bourbon. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.

Before we go to the dessert, there's a food-related story I'd like to get in just to get it on record, is that all right? Sure, absolutely. I'm not sure I've told you about it. Have I told you about my fairly recent Paella pan incident? No. No. No, no.

Right. I go to Spain quite a lot. I know this, yes. I've got a small house out there. Oh, that's nice. You must come. Oh, thank you. He loves inviting people to his house.

No one ever comes. I'm almost there alone. Yeah. Because I'm so faddy, I decided all I ate now was Spanish food because that's all there is there. Yeah. And I bought a Paella pan, which was very hard to get back. Yeah.

It was this big. I don't know what listeners, it's three foot. I bet Lucky Dick would know how to get it back. Yeah. It was huge and very difficult to get back. Yeah. And then I put it in my big bottom drawer and then I forgot about it for a few weeks.

Yeah. And then I was having some people around and I thought, I'm going to make a Paella in my lovely big pan. Now, I've got a cleaner who I adore. A cleaning lady who comes in once a week. She's Romanian and she barely speaks a word of English. But we have a symbiotic, very... There's a really great relationship there

that doesn't use language. I really, really like her. Yes. She keeps moving your stuff though because she doesn't like it in that place. She decides and this relates to this story. She decides where things go. So I used to have her.

I used to have her in a goldfish bowl and a cuckoo clock in my flat. Yeah. And every week she would put the cuckoo clock inside the goldfish bowl. So they extend. In the end, I had to destroy the goldfish bowl. Oh, no.

Because I kept moving it out. Yeah. And it doesn't belong in there. And then I had to destroy it. Yeah. Well, I did. I've destroyed it. Well, it smashed the top.

I smashed the goldfish bowl to stop her. That's over the top response there. I did it. Smashed it up. That's the fact. But this, and I had a big, I'm going to use it in a stand-up show probably, but I had a big incident with her about a quilt cover.

But that'll take me too long to tell you. OK. But this sums it up nicely. Yeah. I thought I'm going to make this lovely big paella. And I went into my bottom drawer. Yeah. It had gone.

That's huge. It wouldn't go anywhere else. It would only fit in that box. I had to move things out of the bottom drawer to get it in. Yeah. Yeah. Right? And I went, strange.

And she was in. And I went in and I went, I won't name her. Yeah. I went, um, X. Yeah. She went, and she went, yeah. I went, have you seen my paella pan? And she went, and I led her into the kitchen

and opened the bottom drawer, and I mined a paella pan. Yeah. And she went, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she pointed at the bin. And she went, rubbish. Oh. Well, what's that?

Just threw it away. She threw it away. And I said, you threw it away? You threw it in the bin. And she went, yeah. And then she looked at me as if to say, can I get on with my cleaning? And I went, okay.

Yeah, what can you do? And that was a great idea. Well, she's so lovely and so great. Yeah, she sounds lovely. I don't begrudge of it. Yeah. In many ways, it's the ultimate, it's the ultimate cleaning, isn't it?

Just get rid of everything. Just throw things away. Just chuck it all the way. Yeah. Rubbish. Love it, love it. So, dessert time. Well, well, it's a dessert I rediscovered

this very weekend. And I've forgotten it is absolutely incredible. And it is, because I went to my mother's this weekend. Yeah. And it is my mother's lemon-suit pudding. Wow. Now, it is madness. It is a suicide attempt in a bowl.

Take us through it. Yeah, because I can't even imagine what this is really. Well, I don't really know how it works, but I asked her to loosely explain it to me. You get suet, which, as far as I can work out, is old-school extreme fat. Yeah, use it for dumplings. Yeah, it's insanity.

Yeah. As far as I can work out, mum fashions suet-based pastry around a bowl. Yeah. Okay. And then she lifts the suet-based pastry off the bowl shape carefully. Yeah.

Then she turns it upside down. She puts a whole lemon in it. Right. Appealed. No. No. Just whole. I don't know.

She puts it in. And then she fills the rest of the void, which is considerable. Yeah. I'm going to mind this now. It's a pudding bowl size. Yeah, yeah. She fills the rest of it with Demerara sugar to the top.

Right. And then she flips the whole... Then she puts it back in... No, it must be in the... It's in the thing all the time. I'm like, she doesn't flip it out. She just like... She...

It's always in the bowl. She puts the suet stuff in the bowl. Yeah. Then she puts the lemon in. Then she fills it up with Demerara sugar. Yeah. Then she puts muslin over the top. Yeah.

And she uses string to tie it. And then she puts it in a boiling pan of water for ages. To melt like a pound of sugar or whatever. Oh, yes. Yeah. But it's there for ages. And we're all left in no doubt that what's happening on the sofa is dangerous. It's like a bomb.

Yeah. So when she goes to get it, she's like... Really cautiously gets it out. And then you turn it upside down onto a plate. Yeah. And then she slices it. And the lemon has exploded within the Demerara bomb. And every mouthful is...

I can't tell you, it's madness. So does the... It must be 2,000 calories per slice. Does the sugar go to like... Is it like liquid in the sense of... There's so many liquid. And a lot must soak into the suet, obviously. It does soak into the suet.

But there must still be like straight up sugar liquid in there as well. Yeah. Oh, it's insane. How lemony does it taste? It's everyone around the table. Their eyes are rolling back in their head. My nieces are genuinely like... Yeah, they're fully addicted to sugar now.

They're fully addicted to sugar. Awful. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely awful. I love the sound of it. Would you have it with anything else? Is there like cream on it or anything? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you've got cream on it. This time she put... She put budget... It's always budget ice cream at my mum's house. Yeah. So horrible budget ice cream. Like vanilla ice cream that's like completely white. Yeah, like cart door or something.

Right. Cart door's alright. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think cart door. That's the only instance I've ever heard of ice cream being used to take away from the sweetness of something. Yeah, yeah.

We need to tone this down. I mean, I don't know if it sounds nice to you. It is. Oh, no, it sounds good to me. It is an assault on your senses. It does sound nice. My grandma makes a bacon suet pudding. Jesus.

It's like a giant dumpling with bacon in it. Yes. And does it seem dangerous when she's making it? Yeah, I've got... I think anything that you're wrapping in muslin and putting on a boiling pan of water for ages is dangerous. And building up pressure for ages. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It does. It's the same with Christmas pudding, won't you? It's cracked the bowl, though. She's lost loads of bowls to it over the years. Oh, she has. Oh, she has. That's amazing. Right, I'm going to read your order back to you.

See how you feel about it. Ed's strapping. Ed might want to calm himself. Water. Oh, hang on. I'll say what I would do if I was with Greg and this is what he insisted we had. Okay.

Yeah. Sparkling water. Lovely. Fine. Yeah, I'm normally a still guy, but yeah, we'll splash it out. Poppedoms. Lovely. Poppedoms.

Nice. Yeah, yeah, nice. I like bread, but you know, poppedoms are a nice light start. So, oh, I hope we've got something big coming for the starter if we've only had poppedoms. Yep, starter, pass. Yep, see you later. Nice to see you, Greg.

Pass. I'm off. Main. Well, maybe you would be turned around by the main. Would you leave? I would, I would be really peeved. What if you saw them preparing my demi-clock? Well, do I get a demi-clock as well?

Yeah. Am I sat back to back with you and I've got a demi-clock in the other? Yeah. So, we're forming a full clock. But your anger suggests that if you came back to eat with me, you'd have to have the same. I wouldn't stop you from having a starter.

I'd be annoyed. You've already told me now that you think it's rude if someone else has a starter and you don't want a starter. Which is why I always say, are we having starters? It is a bit though. It's a bit like I'm a smoker. I'm going to have a fag before we do the next thing. It's nothing like going for a fag.

It's not a good comparison. Is it not? No, that's... Here's what I normally do. Here's what I do. I say, are we having starters? And then if you said I'm not going to have a starter, I'd say, well, I won't have one then.

And I'd be really passive aggressive about it. Right. Well, fine, I won't have a starter. It's fine, you're just going to have a starter. And so you'd turn into your dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've all got our systems. Yeah.

Main course, you're like a medium-fellet steak with peppercorn sauce. If there's any disapproval from the staff, you're going to walk out. I'm glad that's noted. You're like onion rings, mac and cheese, a jar of pesto with a spoon in it, and red Thai curry arranged around the steak

like a demi-clot. Correct. The Christmas dinner was a dry turkey, sausages sprinkled around the turkey, standard veg and a butter fried Christmas pudding. Your drink is a strawberry milkshake made at home with syrup in a cocktail shake with some bourbon in it.

And you're just like, it's your mum's lemon-suit pudding. Yeah. Great. Correct. Just stand with budget ice cream. We've budget ice cream on the side. Feel good about that? So good.

Even looking back on it, I feel so good. Yeah. Oh, you should. It's an amazing meal. We've got to stand behind it. The demi-clot. I do, I stand by it absolutely. Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming, Greg. Well, we'll get... I've really enjoyed the dream restaurant, lads. More than I ever thought I would. Oh, good. I'm glad to hear it. We've enjoyed having you here, Greg, and Merry Christmas to you. And it's lovely to get the table turned over so quickly,

because you didn't have a starter, so you'd be out by eight. Well, I've learnt from going for a meal in Shropshire, one hour twenty. Good day. Well, there we have it, the quite baffling off-menu menu of Greg Davis. Oh, good fun. What a roller coaster ride.

A real roller coaster ride. If the roller coaster starts off with just a really flat track for a bit. No starter. I can't believe that. Who has no starter? I know. Your best friend, that's who. That's how I was no starter. You've got to make your peace with that.

Opposites attract, I guess. Look, I mean, I like to think I controlled myself a little bit more than you do in bad pudding situations. Yeah, you did. To be fair to you, you know, you didn't shout and scream and you didn't say fuck you, Greg. I mean, you know, it makes me think what I must look like to other people.

Well, it's difficult to scream fuck you at the guest when it's the starter. Sure. I think with the pudding, you know they're going to be leaving soon anyway. I'm allowed to cut loose. Yeah, exactly. Cut loose. Cut loose. If anything, the medium fillet steak made me more angry.

That was bad. Yeah. Well, it was a bad menu. And, you know, I don't think anyone would say otherwise. But what a guest. What a lovely guest. Thank you so much. And you know what, to his credit, didn't pick a cow nibs.

No, I don't think he even knows what they are, to be fair. No, there's no way. If he's still making milkshakes with syrup, he knows what cacao nibs are. So I think we're fine. We're always in the clear there, probably. Obviously, Greg is a brilliant comedian. If you go on Netflix, I think you can watch Man Down,

which was his Channel 4 sitcom. And also his stand-up special, You Magnificent Beast, which is also on Netflix, which is brilliant. Which you were in the audience for? I was in the audience for. I was, in fact, if you watch any stand-up special on Netflix, I was in the audience for it.

Is it the audience for it? If you want to watch my stand-up special, you've got to go to Amazon Prime. And I wasn't in the audience for that one. No, that's it. Only annoying thing, like Kanye, isn't it? You can't see yourself play live. Kanye?

That's what he said. Is it? He said his biggest regret was that he would never get to see himself live. Oh, yeah. It would annoy me if I'd watched myself live. Yeah? Yeah, finally see what I'm doing wrong.

Do a bit of heckling. Yeah. You suck. Yeah, that's enough. Yeah. Also, go on UKTV playing. You can watch all the series of Taskmaster that Greg Davis has done,

including Ed's series and my series. Series 7 for James, series 9 for mine. Yes. And series 5 for Nish Kumar. Yeah, yeah. Throw that in. Watch Nish's series. Yeah, let's give it a...

Why don't we just start plugging Nish's stuff? Yeah, yeah. To do that every time. Watch The Mash Report, BBC 2. Oh. Go back to Radio 4 archives. He's got Spotlight on there, sold series.

Got to say as well, bring back Kumar's cobbler. The campaign didn't go great because that restaurant shut down. Yeah, we pushed it so far in the opposite direction it turned out that the whole place shut. Turns out you tweeted them so much, the social media manager burnt the place to the ground.

Yeah, it really went badly. Thank you very much for listening. I guess don't forget to subscribe. We've stopped doing all that stuff. We need to say that with all those things. We've got to push it. You've got to subscribe. Leave a lovely review.

Leave a lovely rating. Just thanks for being great listeners. What a lovely year we've had. Yes. And a Merry Christmas to you or whatever you celebrate. Yes. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays. Nicer, isn't it? And Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas as well. Why not? Whatever. All of it. Well, it's just to have a nice time.

Be nice. Come on, be nice. Ah, have a happy time. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato

and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing.

It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.