Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 44: Armando Iannucci

Episode Date: February 5, 2020

The genie waiter’s in the thick of it when Armando Iannucci requests a table. And the writer-director of ‘The Personal History of David Copperfield’ is not against pasta.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).‘The Personal History of David Copperfield’ is in cinemas now and ‘Avenue 5’ is on Sky One and NOW TV.Follow Armando Iannucci on Twitter @Aiannucci.Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Oh, no. Oh, no. I forgot about the podcast in the oven. I think it's burning. Oh, actually, it's fine. It's perfect. Wonderful stuff. Welcome. I really went into character there, James. I'm sorry. Me and Benito got worried for a second. We're like, oh, something bad's happened. Oh, no, no. He's just introducing the podcast. He thought I was having a stroke. We thought you were having a stroke, but actually, you were doing a great intro to the off-menu podcast. Indeed,

I was. I am a very good actor. I got deep into my character there of man cooking a thing. Yes, excellent stuff, Ed. Ed, what do we do on this podcast, man? Well, here's what we do on the podcast, James. We have a special guest, and we asked them about their dream meal. And just in case you didn't know what a meal constitutes, James has got the facts and figures. James? Favorite ever. Start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink. Yes, that is what we ask people. But, you know, a lot of people, when I tell them what the podcast's about, they're like, oh, okay. You want to go, guys, no, you know, we riff around it. It's about the stories surrounding the meal choices. Who are these people? Oh, all sorts of people. I've never met anyone like that.

Oh, they go, oh, okay. Oh, God, loads of different people. I hate it. I hate it. Probably people in the biz. Oh, in the biz, mate. People in the biz. They got on my nerves. F the biz. F the biz in the biz. Me and James are above the biz. We flick V's at the biz. Yep, we flick V's at the biz and we tell it where to go. But apart from our guest, who is in the biz. He's in the biz, but he's the good side of the biz. He's the best side of the biz. He's the best of the biz there is. He's the best of the biz there is. We are not going to fizz him in the biz. No. And our guest this week, James is Armando Iannucci. Yes, actual Armando Iannucci. Very excited to have him in the dream restaurant. I can't believe it. We've got Armando Iannucci. He's got his movie out now,

the personal history of David Copperfield. I mean, everything that Armando's been involved in in the past. What a, what a CV. It's been top notch. Alan Partridge. Think of it. Death of Stalin, which I went to see at the cinema twice. Oh, incredible. Just, I mean, everything, everything you like, he's probably been involved in. Absolutely. So we had a hand in it. But even given that, you know, he's been involved in everything that we enjoyed watching before we became comedians and still whilst we are comedians. Yes. If he's has a secret ingredient, we will kick him out. Kick him out on his face. We will kick him out right on his face. And the secret ingredient this week is pickled fish. Pickled herring. Pickled herring. Pickled herring,

James. We pre-agreed pickled herring and now you've taken it to all pickled fish. Do you want us to kick him out of the restaurant or something? Sorry, mate. Yeah, we will nail it down. Pickled herring. Yeah, you're just going to change. Oh, just change it to food if you want. Pickled herring is the secret ingredient. Yes, pickled herring. Fish and pickle, not for me. Yeah. I guess what, man. Richard Herring always says he wants to get on this podcast and then we just made pickled herring one of the secret ingredients. Bad luck, Herring. Bad luck. I hope you're listening, boy. Do you want to tell everyone why we've picked pickled herring, James? Yeah, because earlier I ate some at the Scandinavian restaurant with you and Bonito and I didn't like it.

Yeah, your face all puckered up. Yeah, to be fair. It was light. Your face all puckered up like someone had just snuck up behind your chair and put their finger up your bottom. Yes. I mean, they might, I'd rather that happened because it was not nice. The pickled herring and it was with egg as well. Yeah. It was a sliced egg. Sorry, he said egg. I know I was there. Sliced cold egg. Yes. You think that I just said egg? Yeah, I got confused that I was with egg or egg. Well, if, if Ed was an egg, he would be called egg scramble. Yeah. Very clever. Egg scramble. Thank you, James, egg caster. Oh, egg caster. Did you like that, Bonito? The great, the great eggnito. But Bonito told us that we probably got some more time on this one.

He said we could riff a bit. We can riff a bit. We've done that with the, with the egg names. Yeah. James, egg caster, the great eggnito, egg scramble. Yep. That's our names. If we were Ed's, Armando Egonucci's on. So let's hear more from the off-menu menu of Armando Egonucci. Welcome, Armando, to the dream restaurant. Yes, I can't believe it. Welcome, Armando Egonucci, to the dream restaurant. Now, that noise was our resident Jeannie Waiter. Uh-huh. Who's transported me magically. Thank you very much. While staying in my seat. Yeah, yeah, exactly where I was when we started. I know you, I know, I know you like that seat. I didn't want to move you around a bit. No, no, no. I bring this, I bring this sofa wherever I go.

Nice and comfy. Yeah, it's lovely. Uh, if you like, do you prefer sofas or arm chairs? Great, that's our traditional first question. I, I reach the stage when you get as old as me, chaps. Yeah. Uh, you're like a good upright back. Okay. Yeah, for posture. Yeah, fair enough. That's something firm and solid. That's nice. Nothing woosy and kind of fluffy and. Not to feel held. Yes. Yes. Well, the whole, the whole thing. Yes, it's the mother I never had. That doesn't work as a sentence because everyone had a mother. But it's, it's a sort of, um, but yes. I mean, everyone's the mother you never had, apart from your mother. Yes, exactly. There we are. We've resolved that issue because that's been bugging me for some time.

Yeah. You're, you're the mother I never had. Yep, I know. Yeah. I'm the uncle you never knew. Yeah. Exactly. I'm the sister you don't like. Yeah. I'm the cousin you once murdered. Yeah. Right. I'm going to have one of these again. Oh yeah. Yeah. I bought some of this Norwegian smash before we went to, Ed Bonito and I went to have a lunch in Scandinavian kitchen in London and they sell these, this snack called smash, which is not. When you told me. It's not mashed potato. Yeah. I, he told me he bought three bags of smash and I thought he's having a breakdown. Yeah. It's gone crazy. Yeah. It's large balls of mashed potato covered in

chocolate. I've got these salty bugle shaped crisps that are covered in chocolate and we're having a good time over here. Yeah. Being a good boy. They look very nice. I'm just trying not to snack, you know. And I'm just going to put off by the salt. I just, I've had it with salt in caramel. Yeah. You're done. I'm done. Do you want to line in the sand? Yes. Yes. It's very tricky to find caramel without salt in it now. I know. You tell me about it because honestly, I've looked and it's very hard. It's one of the labors of Hercules will be fine caramel without salt in it that you will have the golden fleece or whatever the myth was. Oh yeah. Yeah. He love that golden fleece Hercules. Can you remember when, when it changed, remember when salted caramel came in

and what it was like for you? Because a lot of people had different responses. I know exactly where I was when salted caramel happened. It was about what, two years ago? Oh, probably longer than that. I feel like it feels like it. Yeah. I know. Emotionally, it feels like two years ago. Was it the summer of salt? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good times. I think it was like probably, I reckon as much as nine years, eight or nine years. Well, I guess it depends whether you're at the cutting edge of food innovations. Yes. So maybe it only reached you two years ago. I know. Yes. I don't live in London. Yeah. Therefore, you know, these kind of, these very modern foods only reached the shires three or four years later. Yeah. Yeah. You've got so much coming your way

that. Oh, what else? Tell me. You wait. You've just come hot from the city. What else do they have? Avocado. And not just avocados. They smash them up. They smash them up. And by smash them up, I don't mean they cover them in chocolate. Yeah. They smash them onto bits of toast right here. Yeah. Yeah. They smash it to a pulp. Oh, that's true. They tell me, do tell me of tumeric. What is healing properties? I mean, now, I can't remember. Clark Peters, is it? The actor? Yeah. The wire. Yeah. Yeah. And he swears by. By tumourine. Yeah. He swears by. He says that can cure everything. He's got a little garden. He grows it in the garden. And he swears by. He's a healthy guy. Is it tumourine he grows in the garden? Or is he calling it tumourine? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe he learned a thing or two from being on the wire. That's the code now. Yeah. Someone might be listening. Just call it tumourine. Yeah. So would you consider yourself a foodie then, since we're getting on the subject? No. I don't know why I'm here. Yeah. I grew up, I was very blessed because both my parents were fantastic cooks, really. And so I grew up, everyone I knew was just amazing at cooking. I'm terrible at it. So I was kind of spoiled as a child on food, really. Lovely. I mean, it's very nice. It really is wonderful. Yeah. Christmas was every Christmas, there'd be like five or six different Italian families who all owned an Italian restaurant. Each year, one family took it in turn

to host everyone else at this restaurant. And you just have amazing food all day, every like two hours. So it was like start at 11 a.m. And it'd go on to about 3 a.m. the next morning. Lots of food, every kind of two hours. And occasionally we'd sneak out to find someone who had a house where we could watch Morkham and Wise and sneak back in and eat more food. Yeah. I love that. That's the secret sneaky sort of Tina thing to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't tell mum. Yeah. Don't tell mum. But I say Morkham and Wise. No, it's just because there was Norteli there in the restaurant. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't like banned to watch Morkham and Wise. They are utterly offensive. Yeah. So what sort of what sort of dishes were being prepared at

those big feasts? Well, I know it's fantastic pasta dishes and sort of meat dishes and just Italians do vegetables really well because vegetables, I don't want to destroy healthy eating, but vegetables are boring. But they were very good at just covering them in herbs and lemon and garlic and just making them the most delicious thing you've ever tasted in your life. They actually make mashed potato really tasty by putting garlic and parsley and olive oil in mashed potato and eating it cold. And you could scoop up tons of it really. Yeah. I remember having, I had an Italian singing teacher for a while and I've never, I've never heard this before. Have you not heard that? No. Do you not? Oh, I had an Italian singing teacher. What was she called? Was

the singer of the year? Sometimes your life, I feel like you're going back in time and having new experiences and then just... I'm just trying to impress Amanda. I'm an Italian person. Yeah. Like one Italian friend. Yeah. Yeah. She did become my friend, even though like, you know, I was, I think I was 21 and she was well into her 50s, but she became my mate and I was going around and have lunch. And yeah, when she first, her vegetables at her house, it was a revelation. Yes. I thought, oh, actually, this is how it, and then obviously, obviously immediately realizing what the trick was, was that you put unhealthy stuff on it and make it taste nice. Yeah. Yeah. Although, you know, as my mum still says to this day, you know, if you put olive oil and

garlic and lemon, that's all healthy stuff. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. You know, there are pockets of communities in Italy that where, you know, the, the concentration of centenarians is very high. Right. And it's because they live off seafood and vegetables. We're often told that the, the Mediterranean diet is the healthiest in the world. I think I mainly learn that off like Olivia adverts. Okay. Yes. The big spread, the big spread on the table. However, these Christmases, I also saw what people looked like if they get past a constantly 50 years. Yeah. And that was the, that's the danger signal. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can't believe centenarians are real. You can't believe there's even a word for them.

What's a half horse, half person? No, no, they only eat foods in quantity of 100. So they eat 100 peas, maybe for breakfast. Yeah. Chocolate coated Scandinavian biscuits for, for a lunch thing, but it must be 100. Yeah. How old do you think? 100. End of question. Yes. Yes. Very exciting times for you at the minute, because great films coming out. You're saying that as if you're kind of revealing this to me. Yeah.

You've got a film coming out. You know, that's that film that you wrote. Yeah. They went and made it. Behind your back. That'd be funny, wouldn't it? If somebody, if you bought a script to someone and they went, oh, I don't know what I'm really interested in, then, oh, a year later, they bought you a bucket and went, we made it by the way. But you're like, I think that happens to people. I think that's why they have long drawn out court cases and all of them, because that very thing you have. It doesn't go down very well. It's not

like a nice surprise for the person. No, no, no, no. You made it awful. But it's just, the cast is like people you know really well. Yeah. You know how they all kept sneaking off and said they were busy. They said that we're going to have to watch Mokka and Why. They were doing, you know, the personal history of David Copperfield. Here come some, oh, interesting looking biscuits. Yeah, look at this. It's like main biscuits with chocolate muffins. Chocolate muffins.

So, are you going to, are you going to put a muffin in between two digestive biscuits and have yourself an exciting sandwich? The driest sandwich in the world. No, but there's Mickey Mouse there. There you go. Perfect. Perfect, isn't it? Yeah. For the listener. For the, for the, for the listener with the screen. I mean, you can put it in some way and see this.

As if having a screen will let you see this. Let's not describe to the listener too much. Let's make it a fun competition for everyone on social media. Let's just say, with nothing but some digestive biscuits and some mini muffins, Amanda was made and Mickey Mouse. Send in your photos of what you think that looks like and how he achieved it. So you grew up around nice food, but you never thought, I'd like to learn how to cook some of this. You were like, I'm sorted. I've got enough people cooking it for me. I remember when going off to university, getting my aunt's recipe for bolognese,

which really saw me through three years. Because it's pretty good, so you can impress people. Did no one cotton on maybe the second time you cook for them that bolognese is all you had in your repertoire? That's right. And all it is basically is some mince, some chopped up carrots and celery. And a bit of a bay leaf and stuff. Oh, lovely bay leaf. That's the secret. Most people aren't put, my students aren't put in bay leaves in there. Are bay leaves, do they work? Do bay leaves work?

I've got, it might be a scam, you know. Do you think so? Because you always take them out. The bay leaf industry is based on, it's really money laundering. We're all in the pocket of big bay leaf. Big bay leaf. Yeah, oh yeah. It's a very clever market, actually. Just put it in, take it out. Yeah, because if you've ever leave one in by accident and then bite down on it, it's not nice.

It's not nice, it's like, don't eat it. Yeah, yeah. So this bit of stuff you put in my food, don't eat. Yeah. What have you put in my food for, you idiot? Yeah. It's quite nice. Oh, that's glass. That's, that's sorry, I sprinkled some glass and don't, don't, whatever you do.

It just, just helps the flavour. So here at the dream restaurant, I might know, we can get you whatever you like for your dream meal from anywhere around the world, anywhere from your life, any restaurant you've ever been to, any restaurant you'd like to go to. So we start though with... Still a spark in water. I think it has to be still. Has to be.

Has to be still. How come? Have you ever been in, there's a restaurant, I remember the first time I was in Los Angeles, or, or LA as I like to call it. Oh, that's a catch up. Yeah, go into a restaurant where they, they had a water menu. Oh yeah. Which was for some water.

You'd think they'd bring you water, but they come with a big thing with like all the different, and it wasn't like flavours, it was to do with what kind of gases had been pumped through it, or, or the, the kind of density of the bubbles, you know, the, wow, yeah. Because we've always wondered if there could be a water with one massive bubble in it. We've always talked about that. And would that be the fizziest water available? Or the least fizzy water available?

Yeah, because there's one big like lava lamp bubble in it. Yeah. There's squoops, pollution around. I mean, that would be the place to get it would be that LA water menu place, wouldn't it? Yeah. Is that all they sold was water? No, no, no, that was just a water bar.

That was you just, that was just warming you up. Now in that moment. I could do the well, if it did. Yeah. If all it sold was water, I'd say, but little place that only sold water. Strangely, the food was just sausages. But only one type of sausage. There wasn't even a choice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, for starter, for mains, for dessert, for stall sausages. But the water, it was just amazing. You still went because of the water. In that moment, when they showed you the water menu. I'll call it bangers and splash. Bang and burst. Oh, very nice.

Thank you. Very nice. One of the best in the game, James. Cheers, thank you. Yeah, no further questions. Did you not along and sort of go all very interesting? Want a lot of sausages. Yeah.

There you go. There you go. Ed, in case you haven't gathered, no one's listening to you. Yeah, no, I'm trying to get the question out. It's not, it's probably not worth it. But also, I'm now aware that the pressure's on for me to do a pun as well. Yes, yeah. Because all three of us should really do one.

Yeah, absolutely. Did you pissing Link? Yeah. You've already had your go. I was going, okay. Chip of water? Yeah. Like chip of lata, but chip of water.

Chip of water. Franken water. Oh, no, all the different names for sausages are going. Yes. It's fun saying chip of water. Cumberland and sea. What? Jesus.

Cumberland and sea. Oh, God. Cumberland and sea. That's good. What was used again? Bangers and splash. Bangers and splash was the first one. Yes, very good.

I think that's, I think that's the answer. We're done there. I think we're done. Yeah. What was the question? Did you pretend like you cared about the different types of water? No. No.

Because also, when you're in LA, as I like to call it, you're always jet lagged and really somebody asking you which type of water you would like when you've had like two hours sleep. Yeah. It doesn't work. So you just go water. Just give you water. So you just have the house water?

The house water. Yeah. House water, whatever they recommend. Pop it up into a bread. Pop it up into a bed, I've had them. Pop it up into a bread. Actually bread. Bread.

Yes. Yeah, you see, because then you can pour your olive oil out, you can dip your bread in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going on. Lovely. What kind of bread would you like us to bring you? It has to be olive oil with it.

It has to be, I kind of like a ciabatta or I forget your riddle. Probably a ciabatta, really. Yeah, lovely. A little bit of salty, salty bread is quite good. How big? Funny, salt in bread, great. In caramel, tuck off. That's where, that's where, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What about sugar in bread? If we're going to go opposite the other way. Not as a... Yeah, sugar, sweet bread. Does that happen? I suppose it does, but...

Yeah, I think that happens, Ed. Brioche, I guess. Brioche. Brioche. Brioche. What about pechwari naan? Do you like pechwari naan? Oh, pechwari naan, naan, it's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, pechwari naan, I'd go for that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you like? Honestly, my entire brain is consumed with trying to come up with a sausage brain still. I can tell, you can see it all over your face. It's really difficult.

I've known you folks quite some time and Cumberland and Sea is really haunting you right now. Well, I actually thought that was good. I mean, if our listeners could let me know, that was pretty good. No, it was not good. Forks splashing? No, that's no. No.

Cumberland... Even Cumberland and Sea was better than that one. No, pechwari naan, yeah. Cumberland and Sea. Yeah. Is the bread that you've chosen, is that from, like, back in the day where you went to these big feasts?

Is there anyone specific in your family who made amazing breads? Yeah, because it would be terribly blue by now. No, I think a good deli, good proper, you know, just solid, solid bread. Solid bread. Is there a deli that you frequent at the moment? Is there a...

What's the best UK Italian deli? Oh, God, I don't know that. I don't know the answer to that. Do you have one that you go to? I have one that's sort of about 10 minutes away that I go to, especially Christmas. I associate Italian food with Christmas, really. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Got into a bakery over Christmas. That's nice. You're wrapped up warm, walking. Oh, Armando, hi. Is that Armando saying hello, Armando? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what...

Is that an Italian thing? Yeah, that voice, that voice. Yeah, yeah, you say your own name, when you say hello to people. Hello, Armando. It's Armando. Hey. This is Christmas time.

Hey. Just this voice for Christmas, so not the rest of the year. Lovely Christmas people. Have your best bread. Yeah. So you want the best... You want the best bread.

I want the best bread. The best bread. Yes, yes. In the bakery. That's hard, isn't it? Answering the baker to choose their best bread. Yeah, I know. That's really putting them under pressure.

We used to live in a place where the bakery always... It's a baker's, right? It's only job is to bake and then sell bread. Absolutely. If you went after 10 o'clock and said, can I have a loaf of bread? Oh, we're out. I'm sorry. Unless you have every day.

And you'd think, doesn't someone have a word there? And you'd say, if you just cooked a bit more, you could sell more breads. Stick someone at nine. Yeah, just... To this day, I don't know why that happened. Think it was a front for something? No, but across the road, there was a shop,

there was a restaurant called Russian Roulette. Turned out to be a front for something. Yeah, not a good place for a restaurant. But also, who wants to go and eat at Russian Roulette? Plus, apparently, someone got food poisoning there. There's only six dishes on the menu. And one of them could be fired at your face. Yeah, I mean, yeah, why?

Anyway, yeah, so the bakery was always out of bread at 10am. So, for this meal, would you like some bread from that bakery, but just, like, for the last... No, I like it from my local Italian deli. Right, absolutely. Good bread. Some properly good deli. Just good bread, the name of the deli.

That'd be a good name. That's a bad name, Russian Roulette. But then you would think that was a front. Yes. There's a bakery called Good Bread. I'd be like, right, we're immediately... A good bread, honest. Yeah.

There was a place in Edinburgh, right down in the Royal Mile, which just has signs outside saying, like, refreshing drinks and has, like, a picture of some beer. Right. And nice food. And it looks like it's been set up by aliens to, like, crush humans into eat them. We're blending in, no one on notice.

But this shop is actually... So nerve-cent. Just walk in that door. I know it looks like a big mouth, but don't worry about that. And then there's a butcher shop next door, but you just wonder, where are they getting all the meat from? Just endless supplies of meat. They're not going in, but not coming out.

And then there's this meat here. And I have to say, it's quite tasty. Yes, delicious. It's very popular. All the meat has question names. Really weird. So you're starter, then? Yeah, stuff.

Always exciting. Always exciting. I love the stuff. I think it's got to be an anti-pasta. It's got to be a kind of your salamis and your prosciutto's and your artichoke hearts and your anchovies. Lovely. You know, that was always...

That's how we start. I mean, we used to have these immense Italian Christmas dinners where you'd have your anti-pasto, and you'd just gorge on that because everything was delicious. Then you'd have your kind of homemade ravioli. All right? Then you'd have your turkey. By which time your stuff, your art, absolutely stuff.

Amazing. We just slice a bit off the turkey and just put it back in the fridge. Because then there's pudding, you know. Yeah. Oh, that sounds incredible. I love an anti-pasto for a starter as well, because it feels... Especially if you have it as a starter when you're having dinner,

because it feels like you're getting away with having lunch and then dinner. Yes. You're good. Very clever. You're having a picnic, and then you're eating pickles. Yeah, it's great. And also, there's no limit to the size. Yeah.

If you put all the stuff out, you could just... Just pack of ham. And those kind of peppers, pickled sort of peppers. Ah, little pickled peppers. Little pickled peppers. Little pickled peppers. Yes. Pickle, pickle, pickle, pickled peppers.

Is it anti-pasto? Sorry, anti-pasta. It's... Anti-pasta. Anti-pasti. Anti-pasti or anti-pasto. What is it? I've always called it anti-pasta,

but I find it funny that it's anti-pasto. No, but now I think it's anti-pasta. What about anti-pasti? Is that in the mix? Are you anti-pasti? Only in... Cornwall? That movement has been kept out now.

Did the pasty tax ever happen? Do you remember the pasty tax? No. I don't know what you're talking about. You've claimed back into your past and altered the facts again. It never happened, James. It never. There was no pasty tax. You knew the pasty tax. I can't even believe what I asked you if you remember it.

This man's political. We all know he is. Yeah, the pasty tax just sounds like something that happened in the thick of it. Yeah, like you would write for a laugh. Do you know the very first episode of the Think of It? The plot is that the minister wants to announce something. He's got the press in at school. To make this announcement.

And on the way, he's told he can announce it because they don't have the money and the prime minister doesn't want it. So they then have 45 minutes to just dream up a policy or something. And we were filming in the car on the way to the next location. And we've done the scene. And then I said, well, we've got the three of you in the back. Why don't you just improvise policies? And I just filmed them improvise a policy.

And they come up with these policies. And within five years, three of them had become long. Which is everyone has to have their own plastic bag, air asbos. And Chris Anderson came up with a national spare room database, which became the bedroom tax. Actually quite terrifying. Yeah.

But it's all just going to come true. Absolutely. It's dreadful. Reality is dreadful. He's absolutely delighted. I can see it on a Monday. He's going all the more for me. You're thinking what great fuel for the fire.

I love hardship and chaos. So on the anti-pasta board, so we've got some salami. Salami. Some like prosciutto. Yes. Prosciutto. Some pickled peppers.

Some pickled peppers. Anything else? So anchovies, artichoke hearts. Artichoke hearts. Cake. No. No cake. No.

And are you having more bread with this as well? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So this is where you get absolutely stuffed before you go. Yeah. Yes. Of course. And in a proper Italian anti-pasta,

you would have motadella, but I can't stand it. So I wouldn't. It's a sort of, I don't know what is it. It's a sort of pork slice, very thinly sliced pork thing with peppers in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know that one. Yeah. I like it.

It's got those white bits in it, though. Yeah. Oh, okay. The white bits. The white bits of fat. The white bits of fat. Yeah, chunks of fat. Yeah, chunks of fat.

Mounties of white bits, maybe. The chunks of fat, yeah, I like those. So motadella is banned from my fantasy starter. We'll throw that all out the window. You can even watch us just throw it all out the window. Yes, thank you very much. Into the sea. Pile all the white bits into a bowl and just throw it out.

Is there any other dish that is named after what it isn't? Or what is it? Is that what is called anti-pasta, though? Yes, before your pasta dish. Oh, before. But it's not anti-pasta, it's not anti-pasta. I mean, they have, yeah, anti, as in Italian for before. Before, yes.

I think it's not against pasta. I think that's what James thinks it is. No, no, no, it's not against pasta. No, I thought it was like... It's a precursor to... Oh, okay, I thought it was like against pasta. Right, we don't like pasta. It's a very big moussebouche.

Right, okay, fair enough. But of course in Italy, if you go into the restaurant, you're expected to have the anti-pasta, the pasta, and then the main dish. Yeah. And you're absolutely stuffed by it. It's a challenge, but one that's very welcome when you go into... I know, because it's so delicious, yes.

When you walk in, you're like, you're starving, you can't wait. I've had many enormous meals in Italy that I shouldn't have. But then it sounds like, you know, if it's lasting from 11 in the morning to three the next morning, lovely. This is more just in Bologna or something. This is when someone's timing you for one o'clock, yeah. And you've got a kind of... You're going to a cinema to do a Q&A at three o'clock,

and they also pile wine on as well, so... Yes, sneaky. Yeah. Sounds good, though. It's great. I think we should all just move out. Yeah, yeah, I think so. So that teases you up for your main course.

So after you've stuffed yourself on the anti-pasta, what are you staring down the barrel of now? Well, I'm going to avoid pasta, really, because that would just be conventional. I think a good risotto. A good, solid, creamy rice, meaty mushroomy... A meaty mushroomy. A meaty mushroomy.

Well, it doesn't have to be meaty, actually. A good mushroom and asparagus with cheese risotto is fabulous. Is that something you can cook? I have cooked. I have been known to cook it, which implies that I've completely had no memory myself, but you can tell me. They've constantly reminded me of that.

It's kind of, yes, it's been a while. I used to share, as a student, I used to share with three vegetarians. So I got to manage to spread my repertoire. Yeah, that must have been a nightmare when you moved in and they all announced they were vegetarians and you slowly threw your bolognese recipe in there. It's just baling.

It's just... Spaghetti and baling. Don't eat those, please. Don't eat those. Don't eat that meal. I've slaved over that. Don't eat any of it. You can eat the water that's in the pan,

the Bailey flavoured water. Yes. But you're a vegetarian, aren't you? Hey, do you want to try this broken glass? No, I knew in advance that they were vegetarian. So you could add some recipes. But there was no kind of... It's not that.

I was bringing in livestock on a little basis. It was fine. It was fine. I think risotto is one of those things that's... The vegetarian ones are better than the non-sneakers. Yeah, absolutely. I think the meat, it doesn't quite go with the rice, and you want potatoes or something.

You don't want a rice and meat that's not quite right. Unless it's a curry, it's a really good curry. Sure, absolutely. But the mushroom with the risotto is the perfect combination, I'd say. Do you want a variety of mushrooms in there? Oh, yes, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be surprised.

What's your top three mushrooms? Oh, yeah. That's a genuine question. That is a genuine question. I don't have no real answer. All I can think of is shiitake, or whatever it is. Shiitake. Shiitake, is that it?

I only know that one because my dad always says shiitake, because he enjoys that. Yeah. He sounds hilarious. Yeah, he's very, very funny. He's very funny. He's like, I'm from the family. Yeah.

And I don't even know what a shiitake is, really. It's a mushroom. I know. But what kind? Is that a big one? I don't think it's a massive one. I think often they come dried. Yes.

And one of those ones that look like sort of... You know, when you're sharpening a pencil and the kind of it comes off and it just curls round. Yeah, I like it. So mushrooms like that. Yeah. I think the more they look like that, the better. Yeah.

Yeah. I think the more that they look like just like classic, like, you know, the little stem and the cup, I don't like them. Right. Not into on board. You like the weird ones. I like the ones that are more,

they look like hands and feet. Yes. Yeah, yeah, it's all like, yeah. There's just... Really like ugly mushrooms. Yeah, the more that they look like they've been foraged in the forest. You've always rooted for the underdog, though.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I wouldn't have a noise, but... My wife still teases me about a photograph that we took on our honeymoon when we were in Southeast Asia, and I can't remember which bit because we went all round, but we went to a place that was a mushroom farm

and it was a log with mushrooms growing out of it. And I took a photo of it, but it just looks like a piece of wood with mushrooms growing out of it. It's not... Hey, we had an amazing holiday. Luke, we went all round Thailand and Malaysia. Look at this log with mushrooms growing out of it.

You've got a frame. It's the dullest photo, you've ever seen. And it's little tiny mushrooms. Yeah. It's not like... They're not like hands and kind of web feet or anything. It's just... Would you like those specific mushrooms in your risotto?

And then flown in from Malaysia or Indonesia or wherever. And it'd be a lovely reminder of your honeymoon. Yes, thank you very much. Thank you. So you've got a lovely mushroom risotto with lots of cheese in it as well. Oh, lots of cheese.

Plenty cheese. Yeah. Key ingredient. Absolutely. I think that for everything. It's a key ingredient. Keep putting it in as you're making it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that kind of Arab... It was the rice, the Arab... Come on, you know food. What's that? Rice. Oh, I can forget which I have in Chinese bowls. No. And now I'm...

Oh, no. Oh, man. Yes. Anyway, anyway, those... I do know what it is. Those rice. Those rice. I can forget which Cumberland and Sea.

I don't know if we're getting it in our head. Yeah. So you want risotto with those rice. Those rice. Honeymoon mushrooms. Honeymoon mushrooms. And lots of cheese. Served on a bay leaf, honeymoon mushrooms.

We could serve it on the log if you want. And here's the question. And here's the question. Yeah. And here's the question. And here's the question. If when you saw that log with all the mushrooms growing out of it.

Yeah. And you also just happened to have in your pocket a block of cheese and a cheese grater. Would you get your wife to keep watching grate the cheese over the mushrooms? Just for a laugh. Even just leave it there. Not even eat it.

It's just great at all over the log. And then just get a blow torch. Yeah, yeah. Gently, sober the log. The log itself could catch fire. So you're kind of like a source of heat. Oh, very nice. It sounds delicious.

Lovely. Wrap some bread around that. I mean, I think that would become an actual dish. If you were at a restaurant and they bought out like a horizontal log with mushrooms growing out of it. And then in front of you, they grated cheese over the top of it.

Flambéed it all. And then like, you got to just pick the cheese. Yes. Mushrooms out of the log. Out of the log. That's Heston level. That's Heston level. Another meal I remember on our honeymoon,

not that that was a meal, that was just a log full of mushrooms. Just to be clear, you did not eat those mushrooms out of the log. Friends, right, because we were sort of poor students kind of going around South East yet. And someone said, there was, we were in Singapore,

and someone said, you must go to this place. And it's a place where they train catering staff and they train restaurant staff. So you can get like a five course meal for the equivalent of 10 pound because you're the guinea pig, you know. So there are people standing in the corner with notepads

assessing the people serving you. Wow. Bread. Amazing. And I did think that I could ruin someone's career by just going, this is what I asked for. And then I just marched out.

But anyway, amongst all that, I did order pigeon soup. Pigeon soup. Pigeon soup. Okay. And it came in a sort of crock with a lid on it. And I lifted the lid and I was merrily eating it.

Very delicious. And my wife Rachel was looking at it just like aghast. And then I could see why, because I looked down and the pigeon was still in it. It was a kind of, there was a shriveled up pigeon. But actually it was really delicious. So I was shriveled up.

Well, not, it hadn't shrunk, but it was, you know, clearly dead. It was a dead pigeon. It was a dead pigeon in the soup. No. So just a little like beak? Yes. I mean, what I did,

because I wanted to carry on eating. I'm imagining the beginning of Benjamin Button right now. Oh. You know, like a shriveled little wrinkly. Oh yes, yeah. Oh man, yeah. And in the end I just carried on, I put its wings over the side

and its head over the front of the crock. So there was this pigeon just staring over, like a goblin staring over what I was cooking. And it put everyone in the restaurant off. Yeah, it did. Funnily enough. Funnily enough. So I could have their dinner as well.

Getting all the, none eating their pigeon while they're eating. So your side dish then. You're eating a big, anti-pasta, because you're against pasta. Yes. And now you've got a lovely, citrus side dish.

Side dish. What is a side dish? What you got? Your iron? I don't want a salad. Take it away. I don't want a salad. Anti-salad.

I'm anti-salad. So whatever dish you want, it's called anti-salad. Anti-salad. It will have to be, you could do broccoli really nice with a bit of chilli in it. Oh yeah.

Nice and not too over-boiled. Bit of crunch still. Bit of crunch still in it. Yeah, if you want some crunch to some broccoli. What length of stem do you want on your broccoli? What about too long? Because I think the longer they are, the less nutritious they are,

the less tasty they are. Oh, okay. I like a long stem. A tender stem. Okay. Long tender stem. How long would be too long for you, Ed? Um, it would,

I don't mind it draping over the edge of the plate. No. But I'd like it to still be on the table. Yeah. Ideally. You know what a snooker cube's worth? I don't want a snooker cube. It's not a cabre.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a cabre. Have what weight as limbo in it, if you're broccoli on the way past the table. It's so long that mushrooms were growing out of it. I want it to be able to be carried by one member of staff. Yes.

Yes. Absolutely. I don't need anyone on their shoulders marching out. Poor bear was bad. I don't want funeral broccoli. Yeah, yeah. No.

But you would like a shorter stem for your bowl. So you can use them as like things to put a coffin on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're so hard. And the answer's like a trestle. Yeah. That's where things are going to be going in the future,

but global warming and stuff. Man, we're having a... We'll be making food do other things first. Yeah. You're going to have to be using it for everything and then eat it up afterwards. Screens will be made of pasta. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a beef car. A beef car. That runs off its own fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good idea, Ajax. See, that's just another one of those ideas in five years' time.

It's going to be another... We'll be laughing then if we get to know. We will be riding cows in the future. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what I meant by beef car. Essentially, a beef car that lends off its own fat

is a cow, right? We just go to work on a cow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we all have to go to work on a cow. Yeah. That's one of the things that I haven't thought about that in a while. Would you trade your cow in for a newer one?

For a newer cow. Yeah. Never buy a new cow. It loses money as soon as it gets to the forecore. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yes. Never will you...

Just click the legs here. Yeah. Medium-stem broccoli. Yeah, medium-stem. With chili. With chili. Not some stem. Little bit of chili.

Yeah, I thought maybe a little bit of salt. But just a bit. How big do you want the salt, like, crystals on there? Not, like, from Utah salt lakes. Not like the flats of Utah. Not like Mormon salt. No Mormon salt, thank you. Not Mormon salt.

No. No, no, no. You know, because that's, you know, don't know what they've done with it. Yeah. Married it. Yeah, they've probably married it. Oh, here's a question.

Yeah, a little bit of sea salt. Off the back of that. You've got to marry a food. What food are you going to marry? It can be a whole dish, or it can be an individual ingredient, like salt. But you have to marry it.

I have to marry it. Yes. Not marinate it. No. Very good. I think it would have to be that pigeon soup, because it was delightful. You could look at it.

And it would bring back memories of my actual wife. You've had to divorce for the sake of the fun food, Marion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, yeah, I was doing this podcast. I signed the contract. I didn't read the contract, I mean. And it does say I have to carry out all the ideas we get. They do have to be.

It's apparently it's a law thing. Yeah, so. But I think I can then divorce the pigeon soup, and then we can then we can remarry it. I think anyway, it's, it'll all be fine. It'll be fine. Would you name the pigeon soup after your wife? So it makes you feel more like she's around still?

No, no, no. I think I would call it pigeon soup. Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, it is what it is. Pigeon soup. Who of your friends, do you think any of your friends would be quite accepting of the fact you imagine you're married to a bowl of pigeon soup? No.

No, no. Everyone would be worried about you, right? Everyone would be. Everyone would be reporting me to the police. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Because I'd be saying his wife has disappeared. And there's just this pigeon soup in the house now.

I think something's. Is it rated so it's peering over the top? Yeah, yeah. He's sat in so it's like a jacuzzi. Yeah. I sort of put it on the telly so it's just lying there on the telly looking at me like that. Oh, dead beak.

Brushing my teeth. There it is, kind of there in the mirror. It's beak open, as if to say, can I have some of that? Brushing my teeth. Well, to the pace. That's as well. Be a fun joke, keeping a brush my teeth. You think we've never got any teeth on the dead pigeon?

Oh, yeah. What fun. What fun. I mean, I know we'd probably have to move on. But obviously, for me, the most fun bit is imagining that our man has married to a bowl of pigeon soup. What's your favourite drink? My favourite drink, it kind of berries, really.

I mean, I used to like red wine. And that kind of, you know, in the Italian, we were brought up on wine from an early age. Right. I would have, you know, Sunday meals, age 12, 13. I'd have wine in lemonade. Oh, wow. Oh, lovely.

Which actually is quite nice still. Yeah. But as I got older, I've kind of found wine, sorry. White wine. Red wine. Red wine and lemonade. Red wine and lemonade. I'm trying that.

Yeah. Yeah, you'd love that. Yeah, I would love it. Yes. I didn't know you could do it. I thought it was like separate out. No. No, no, no.

It's a wine shandy. It's like when I was a kid, I had mixed orange juice and milk together. Oh, no. That would hold separately. Oh, no. Don't cut his cheeses, yeah. The taste was so horrible and confusing

that I heard under the table. Were you trying to get away from the taste? Yeah. From your own mouth. And it was just me in the kitchen. I was about probably five or six. OK. Mixed them together, had a swig,

and then I remember instantly hiding under the table. Yeah. Because like it was so horrible. I didn't know what to do. It was so unexpected. But red wine and lemonade. You never try red wine and lemonade because I'd think it would be.

I'm going to go back for it. Because I've slightly gone off red wine, or wine generally. Just alcohol. I don't know. As you get older, I think something happened on maybe it's just me. Like it makes me feel miserable.

I think that's probably true of everyone, but not everyone acts on that. No, no, no. It's like, OK, well, I guess I'm feeling miserable then. But I didn't feel miserable before I had this drink. It's actually making me miserable. Yep. You know.

Yeah. I thought people drank to get away from that misery. But this is inducing it. This is like, I don't need this misery. Sure, that's fair enough. But wine and lemonade. I'm going to bring that back.

Yes, I'm going to go for wine and lemonade. Oh, yes, all right. And not light. Not diet lemonade. No, you need the full sugar stuff. Clowdy? Oh, no, no. No, no, no, not cloudy.

I can't be doing with all this kind of unfashioned. It's a bit too similar to a sort of camera, actually, in a way. It kind of seems like it should be in the same class. It's like vintage lemonade, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Class.

Classic. Yeah, you went C through lemonade. Yeah. C through, yeah. Translucent lemonade. Is there a specific wine or lemonade that you'd like to mix? Or because they're mixed up,

does it matter about the quality? It probably does. And gravitated. I've never been at what knowledgeable about wine. So I'm always, you know, at meals, I'm always the one to insist that someone else chooses the wine. I have however gravitated.

Were you right up when you were 13? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want some lemonade? What lemonade do you want? I'll have the Malbec. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just with just an inch of lemonade.

My seven-year-old brother will taste it. See if it's cork. Swirling it around. Yeah, that's very nice. So any wine, any red wine, any lemonade? Yeah, I like Malbec. I like, yeah, there's a Sicilian wine diavela, narrow diavela.

Well, I don't know what that means. I don't know. Sounds like it means devil. I know. Yeah, devil juice. Just devil juice. Devil's juice. I don't know.

Sounds obscene. The devil's juice, but then, you know, lemonade is known as angels' tears. So that's OK. Yeah, the perfect mix. Mix those two together. They cancel each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all of purgatory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's what we can call the drink if you want. Purgatory. Yeah. I'll have a purgatory. That's one shot of narrow diavela and two shots of Fizzy Lemonade, please.

Cream soda. Have you ever had cream soda? I've not had it in years. It's good, I know. I think about it a lot. Yeah, it just tastes like bubblegum. Yeah, it shouldn't. It doesn't even taste like liquids.

No, I mean, I don't quite know what it is the flavour of. You know, it's a sort of an invecble, like iron brew, I suppose. Iron brewing lemonade, if I had that. Iron brewing wine? Iron brewing wine, yeah. Iron brewing milk. Iron brewing milk.

Oh. Now we're into cocktails. I've been hiding under a good table in the world. We're turning to a load of mixologists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're crazy. They've not set in locks on fire with mushrooms on them. Mixing iron brew and milk.

Oh, great stuff. Iron brew, milk and wine. Oh, really is one. Red wine, iron brew, and then a green drink to make a traffic light. Traffic light, yeah. Kind of, yeah. Creme de mince or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bam, bam, bam. Yeah, delicious. Delicious or appalling. Yeah, or appalling. So we'll be getting you a glass of purgatory. A glass of purgatory, please. A glass of purgatory.

And now, the course that is my favourite course, the desserts. You'd probably be able to tell by the fact I asked you if there was cake on your antipasta earlier. No. It has to be a sherry trifle, a good sherry trifle. Ah, we had a trifle, yeah. I'm not sure we have had a trifle. Trifle?

Yeah. Have you done anything? Have you not threw this without a trifle? Amazing, right? I would have thought we'd have a trifle until now, but yeah, no, it's not a trifle. Now there you go then. Why is that your favourite dessert?

It's got everything. It's got sponge. It's got jam. It's got custard. It's got cream. It's got those sprinkled nuts. It's just a whole adventure, don't you think? It is an adventure.

I don't know if I've had, I don't know whether the last time I had a proper trifle was. Yeah. It's very, it's not, it's not in fashion. It's not in fashion. I don't care. No, no, I know you don't care. No, I think that's why I don't think I've had one for a while.

Wait, you don't care, yeah. We're not an antitrifle. Oh, we're not an antitrifle. Hang on, hang on, hang on. And by that, I mean, I don't mean before trifle. I guess it's trifle, yeah. Would you like a pre-trifle? Anything, saying that we're after trifle.

Yeah, we're after trifle, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, you're right. It's never, it's very rarely an option in restaurants, is it? Trifle. Trifle, unless, and this will make you angry, I don't think three words will ever make you more angry than this. Salted caramel trifle.

Oh! Imagine it. No, that's, that's an appalling kind of, that's almost like murder. What? What if? It's kind of, is it? Yeah, it's as far as I'm concerned. It's almost exactly like murder.

It is exactly like murder. What if the pigeon is dead? Your Honor, he put a sponge in some custard and then put in salt and caramel and the jury got, oh, he's going down. Send him down. Yeah. But at the heart of the trifle was a dead pigeon. Imagine that, the pigeon comes out of the trifle.

Well, maybe not dead, but dying. It's a damp delicacy. I mean, most countries don't do it, but if you ask for it, certain restaurants will serve you. Yeah. A dying pigeon. Last glass of trifle. How would you build the trifle around the dying pigeon?

Because how much of a fight has it put it up? Is it dying as in like, it's not moving around? And it's pretty exhausted because it's, it's, it's feet, all right. Is it feet, claws? What are they? You sure? Yeah. I can wedge between two, uh, lends and jelly and sponge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Once you've got your feet stuck in sponge. Yeah. That's it. And also the sherry makes it kind of moist. So it's quite sludgy. Yeah.

So any, you know, a typical pigeon would be trapped in sludgy sponge. The more it struggles, the more it gets stuck. The more it struggles, the more it gets sucked in. Most pigeons would say, whatever you do, try and keep still. Spread your weight. Spread your weight. And this particular pigeon. So you are going to get, you know,

inevitably you're going to get the stupid pigeon. Yeah. Who doesn't know the, kind of, the procedure for getting out of, uh, um, a lethal trifle. Yeah. Um, um, so yes. And then it's just exhausted. Yeah. That's when it's best to eat.

Exhausted. Yeah. The other way of doing it, of course, is, uh, to make the whole trifle, then bake two blocks of sponge onto the pigeon's feet, like a mafia hit. Yeah. Throw it in and then it just sinks. Because then you might actually get it. So it's already, you know, if it, if it's trying to spread its weight while sinking,

you might get the head and the wings over the. Yes. Like, like you've arranged it anyway. And so it's almost like, as if it's preserved, like a Demian Hurst. It's like, it's a kind of gasping pigeon, sort of trapped in a kind of jelly. Yeah. And sponge. Yeah.

Lovely. Delicious. Also, if you're, if you're a waiter though, you've got to bring it. If it, if it's on the menu, it's dying pigeon trifle. Yeah. You've got to get that out before it's dead. Oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah.

Oh, yeah. With it. I mean, it's like a, it's like a good souffle. Yeah. You've got to serve it. You need to order that 24 hours in advance. Oh yes. So I'll read your order back to you and see how you feel about it.

Okay. Yes. So still water to begin with. You're very firm about that. Yeah. You said house. House still water. The house, the house water.

The house water. Cheap, uh, Oh, the house water sounds filthy, doesn't it? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's coming from a gutter. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's full of house water. Yeah. Cheap out of bread. Cheap out of bread. Cheap out of bread. Cheap out of bread. One of the things about coming from Kettering is you can't say cheer-batter. Cheer-batter.

I struggle with it so much every single time. Say it again. Cheap, cheer-batter. Cheer-batter. Oh great. We're going to get so many tweets about this. It's so hard to say it. Cheap batter.

Cheap batter. There you go. There you go. Cheap batter bread. Right. With olive oil. Antipasta, pasto, pasty. Yes.

With salami, prosciutto, pickled peppers, artichoke hearts, cake. No, no. Don't translate that. No mortadella. Main. Oh yeah, the mortadella's going out the window. Yeah, main course. Mushroom, asparagus and cheese, risotto.

Yes, nice. Also, you know, if you want, we can throw in the log if you want. Nope. Not interested. Side broccoli with chili, medium length stems. Yes. Your drink. Red wine and lemonade, aka purgatory.

And your dessert. It's a sherry trifle. We've assumed you don't want the Diane pigeon. I think I know do. Yeah, you do. Trifle with a Diane pigeon. Yes, encased in the jelly and in the sponge. Yes.

Feel good about that meal? I think that's delicious. Between what course, where in the meal do you want to nip out and watch Malcolm and wife? I don't want to be out before the pigeon, because you've got to time that absolutely. So it'd have to be before the risotto, I'd say. Before the risotto, yeah.

Nip out. I like the pizza, you're kind of full. That makes sense, that's when you want to go out. You want to take a good 40 minutes. Catch a bit of more than wine, then you come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Angela Rippin one. Yeah, yeah.

Specifically that. Absolute classic. Classic, yeah. Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant. It's been delicious. Oh, excellent. I'm glad to hear it. I hope you enjoy the Diane pigeon trifle.

Oh, wonderful. You're going to marry it. There we have it. Delicious and disgusting in equal measure. I love it. Fascinating, weird pudding. Yeah, what an innovative pudding. Yeah, I loved it.

Yeah, yeah, all of it. So many twists and turns, personal stories. I love the whole thing, Ed. What a delicious meal. Wet-a-rami. Wet-a-rami. Honest. Yeah.

Wet-a-rami. For the sausage and water place. Yeah. You think pep sounds like wet? Wet-a-rami. Okay. Wet-a-roni. Wet-a-roni.

Wet-a-roni. Yeah. Good pep-a-roni. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you went for pep-a-rami first. Yeah. Like the brand.

Yeah. Rather than the actual sausage. Well, on the positive side. Splash-a-rami. Splash-a-rami. Splash-a-rami. On the positive side, and they shouldn't say these in front of Armando,

you just said your awful Cumberland and Sea. Cumberland and Sea was great. Cumberland and Sea. It just came at the wrong time. I blew it. You're real blew it. But you really blew it early. I blew it.

You blew it with it. I wanted, I wanted to riff with Armando and Inuchi, and I blew it with Cumberland and Sea. Yeah. I saw it in your eyes when it happened. It was a big moment. You wanted to riff in front of Infraredis and show him how good you were off the cuff.

And normally you're very good off the cuff, actually, I'll see you. I saw, I still stand by wet, not wet-a-rami, Cumberland and Sea. Yeah, obviously you don't stand by wet-a-rami. I don't stand by wet-a-rami. I mean, I can't believe I still stand by Cumberland and Sea. I've got to get a good one by the time we finish, James.

Yeah. I understand that for you. I'm looking for you as much as anybody else is. I'm in your corner. It's just you all took the names of the sausages. All the different types of sausages. Bangers and Splash, that's not the type of sausage. Bangers is another name for sausages.

Right, okay. Yeah. Yeah, there's puns in the mash. Yeah. Yeah. Bangers and Splash, you see. It's quite, because it's like sausage and water that the place sells.

It's quite nice that it's got an end in the name. No, no, no. Yours, look, it was the first one and it was perfect. Bangers and Splash. And then after that. That would be good. You know. I wonder who I'll be cast as in the next

to Abandonment Energy film. I'll be sure to thank you in my Oscars. He's got a Hugh Laurie, mate. He doesn't need you. I want to see about that. He doesn't need you, mate. Off-brand Hugh Laurie. Didn't hear Hugh Laurie say Bangers and Splash earlier.

No, he's too busy, mate. Off-brand Hugh Laurie? What? You're an off-brand Hugh Laurie. What? What do you think that's from? Hugh Laurie's too busy. That makes you Stephen Fry.

He's in the, thank you. Yeah. If anything. Yeah, I thought about that. Stephen Fry had sausage. As soon as I said that, I realised that. Absolutely. Giving you a compliment.

Thank you. Fry-Deg. Hugh Laurie is too busy. He's in the personal history of David Copperfield. Absolutely. And he's in a new TV show, Avenue Five, which is out now on Sky One and Now TV, and has also been written by Amandu Inouchi.

Oh. I'll be expecting the call soon. For what? Get a role in that for the Bangers and Splash guy. It's too late. Bangers and Splash guy is in a character, mate. Going to be soon after that great riff I did earlier on. I don't think he's going to be writing a sitcom

called Cumberland and Sea anytime soon. Well, turns out I am. Time for the new guard, Ed Gamble. Cumberland and Sea. Okay, so you've successfully pitched yourself to yourself, have you? Yeah. Well done.

Thank you. Not even I've got confidence. As the commissioner or the ideas man. But you're in your own thing. Cumberland and Sea. Actually, you know, if there's any listeners who think they can turn Cumberland and Sea into a good sitcom.

No, I'm doing it. I'm turning into a good sitcom. Maybe someone with some fresh ideas. What was good about the episode, especially, was that he didn't say pickled herring. So we could have a lot of fun with him. We didn't need to remove him from the restaurant. Very good if he didn't say pickled herring.

I was worried at one point he said pickled peppers. I was like, uh-oh, uh-oh, we're going near the pickle jar. Luckily, Peter Piper did not pick a pickled herring. If you like the sound of any of the restaurants that have ever been mentioned on the off-menu podcast, we get a lot of correspondence saying, what was that name of the restaurant you said? Do you have any restaurant recommendations?

All of them are on the website. Absolutely. You go on the website. It's a big list there. You can click on the links and it takes you to the restaurant. You can look at them. Websites as well. You can look at the menus. So really great page and it'll be quicker

and more efficient than tweeted Benito on Twitter. He doesn't have time for it. Offmenupodcast.co.uk. And Ed, speaking of Benito. Yes. You know what else? That cheeky little chappy. He doesn't just do our podcast.

What? Oh, I suppose what I found out lately. Right? Huh? Are you like, he's scampering around with other comics and he's doing other stuff, putting it out there for people to listen to. He's done a podcast with Rob Orton, right?

I love Rob Orton. Yeah, we love him, right? Amazing comedian poet, right? So good. I was so angry. I was like, I'm going to listen to these episodes to really, like, really, so I can completely destroy Benito

about how rubbish his podcast is. But it's brilliant. Oh, no, I so not. Classic Benito. He's such a brilliant podcast. No one wants him to win, but he always does. Loads of really short, short episodes. He's doing like an episode a day after this.

Daily podcast. A daily podcast. I mean, I've never heard the like. Really short episodes. And this man's mind and his poetic tongue. Benito. Huh? Benito's mind and poetic tongue.

Yes, he just knows how to pick the best. He picked Rob Orton. It's so great. Well, maybe everyone should go and listen to the Rob Orton Daily podcast then. Rob Orton. Who knows what poems he might write? And why he might write a poem

about his new best friend, Benito. Benito, Benito. My little Benito. He has lovely feet, oh. Oh, I would never cheat, oh. I'm my wife, oh. We've Benito. We've been sent some food, James.

We have? We've been sent some chocolate from the other bar chocolate. The other bar? The other bar. Oh, not that bar. The other bar. The other woman.

The other. Like we're cheating on our usual chocolate. Oh, sexy affair chocolate. The other bar. Oh, I wonder where that's going. Fruits for drinks, which I've used already. They're little dried fruits that come in a bag and you pop them in like cocktails and stuff.

You put them in your drink. Yeah, boy. Like dried citrus and stuff, yeah. They come with a little mini diving board. They don't come with a little mini diving board. I want to bring them off of that. Do you think everything that goes in a drink should come with a mini diving board?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to start marketing little grasses that have little diving boards on the side so you can pin your fruits into them. That's great. And you could sell like an ice cube mold, which is in the shape of a diver. Yeah, there you go.

Absolutely perfect. You just got in another business at the ground floor. Yes, because I'll be honest. Cumberland and Seared was not working out for me. No. All right. That was a lost cause and we all know it. But actually now with ice cube divers,

we're going to make millions. Dragons, it's over to you. Oh, and shout out to Beaver Town. Beaver Town beer. Glug, glug, glug. Glug, glug, glug. Suckers. We love that anyway.

Glug, glug, glug. Thanks for the free beer, you absolute suckers. Absolute suckers. We already liked it. Oh, I love a pint of neck oil. I love gamma ray if I'm feeling fruity. Yeah, yeah, yeah, gamma ray. It's a bit strong if you're just having a couple of pints.

But if I'm in for one, I'll have a gamma ray. But anyway, thanks for the free stuff, Beaver Town. But like I even own a jacket with the Beaver Town logo on. It does. He actually owns that and people bully him for it on the daily. No one bullies me for it. I mean, no, it's cool. Oh, behind my back.

Yes. So thanks, Beaver Town. And thanks to everyone who sends us stuff. It is much appreciated and it goes to a very good home. Thank you. And thank you to Smash from Norway, because I just ate a whole bag of it and I feel great. James, I'm going to Norway on my European tour.

Would you like me to bring you back a big bag of Smash? Yes, I would, Ed. Where are you going on this European tour? I'm going to Sweden. I'm going to Holland. I'm going to Belgium. I'm going to Greece. Would you believe?

Well, I don't believe it. Going to Dublin. Going to Belfast. I especially so much for this. Yeah, I think that's everywhere, to be honest. That's an excellent tour, Ed. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. We will be back again with another wonderful guest and meal.

Don't go hungry. Hello, it's me, Amy Gledhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on Smash Potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread.

I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time.

The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Gledhill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News.

When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Ian! Is it? Yeah, get listening, there's probably a backlog you've left it so late.