Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 51: Paul F. Tompkins

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

We’re in sunny Los Angeles and our first Hollywood guest is podcasting king and ‘Bojack Horseman’ star Paul F. Tompkins!Recorded by Devon Bryant at Earwolf. Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Listen to Paul F. Tompkins’s podcast ‘The Neighborhood Listen’ on Stitcher.Follow Paul F. Tompkins on Twitter: @PFTompkinsThanks to Earwolf for the studio space!Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? I want to get one of those Off Menu podcasts. Stack them high. Two, I want to double Off Menu podcast and cover it. Cover it. And I mean cover it with good humor. That's all I want. I want to double stack off menu podcast covered with humor. I love that podcast. It's so delicious. And wrap it all up in a love bun. Thank you, Strange Man. Okay, bye. Bye. Hey, Ed. Hey, Gamp. Hey, man. How's it going, James J. Custer? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I said, didn't a funny, funny man, to do the intro for me. Well, he was great. Really great intro.

Very nice American intro, which is very fitting. This is one of our LA episodes. Yes, we're in Los Angeles of America. This episode is recorded in the Earwolf Studios, but we should probably let everyone know what the H this podcast is. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is the Off Menu podcast where we welcome in a guest and we ask them their favorite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink to form their dream menu. Yes. And this week, our special guest is Paul F. Tomkins. Paul F. Tomkins, an absolutely amazing comedian, writer, actor, podcaster, an absolute legend. Mr. Peanut Butter. The voice of Mr. Peanut Butter. There we are. But many, many, many other things besides. So many more things besides. He's sort of a king of podcasts as well.

He's just started a new podcast, in fact, with Nicole Parker and it's called Neighborhood Listen. Oh, fantastic. And we feel like everyone in your neighborhood should be listening to that. Yeah, the whole neighborhood. So go and check it out. Now, even though Paul is brilliant and we love him and we're very excited to have him into the dream restaurant, unfortunately, we do have to kick him out if he's a secret ingredient that we have predetermined. And this week, the secret ingredient is... Baboni. It's abalone is the name of the fish. Sorry, yes. No, don't try and change it now. James thought it was called baboni. So if Paul says baboni or abalone, it's a weird texture, this rubbery textured fish. They use it in Japanese cooking a lot, but it's a very

acquired taste. I do not like it. Abalone or baboni or any of that. It is not allowed. If Paul says abalone, he is out on his ear. Oh, sorry. So sorry, Paul. Hopefully he won't say it, though. Oh, Ed, I can hear him approaching the ear of studios right now. Oh, F. Tompkins. Welcome, Paul F. Tompkins to the dream menu restaurant. You're not kidding around. Like, you jump right into it. Will there be other stuff, just you guys talking... Well, yes, we sort of bookend it, but we do that separately. I was not prepared. That was the fastest I've ever been brought into a podcast. Welcome, Paul F. Tompkins to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. A lot of Americans have said this to us that they used to sit in there quietly whilst

the hosts talk for like 10 minutes before they're brought in. It's not longer. Yeah, but we don't mess around, Paul. No, rude. It is. I think that is rude. I always want to sit there to invite someone here. They just do all their admin. Well, you wouldn't want to, certainly. The question is, you're blaming the victim. Yeah, that's true, actually. Absolutely. That's intentional. No, you're in. You're straight away. You're in. This is about your dream restaurant. So, you know, we're not going to leave you to sit there while we chat about, you know, putting the chairs out and stuff. It's not about us. Right. Oh, I like this. I like this. James is a genie waiter in this scenario as well. That's what that big explosion was.

Oh, I see. It was me coming out of a lamp. I mean, you saw that anyway. You saw me. No, I saw you come out of the lamp. I didn't realize you were a genie. You just thought he was a regular lamp-dweller. Yeah, I did think it was. No one prepared me for that. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's his thing. There are a lot of lamp-dwellers who get very annoyed when people assume they're a genie. And I appreciate that you waited to hear that I am a genie first. Never make assumptions. Yeah, yeah. But I am a genie and also a waiter so I can get you food from wherever you like. Any period in your life, any specific restaurant, anything.

So unlimited food wishes. Well, this is a thing. It's, you know, he's a genie, but there is only one wish per course. So it's sort of your dreams, but severely limited. Find out amount of wishes. They're all related to food. You can never wish for anything else. No, no, no, no, no. That's not, he did one month at genie school and he was only there for the food portion. Yes. And they call it the food portion as well. This genie school. Yes. So are you, are you not born a genie?

Yeah, yeah, you're born a genie, but you started to go to genie school. Oh, like we go to human school. Yeah, you're born a human, but you don't have to go to human school. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, if I didn't go to genie school, I'd still be a genie, but I wouldn't know how to do any of the stuff. Understood. You know, my powers would be like a bit. Hogwarts as well, I guess, is the other thing. Oh, sure. They're born wizards, but apart from Hermione, mudblood, but they have to go to the school to- She was a mudblood. She was a mudblood. That's an offensive term, guys.

Why would you, it actually is to mix heat, shudder, whatever it is, like in a made up book for kids. Why would you make up something that sounds so much like a slur? Yeah, it really does. It really does. It's the worst slur. It's not funny. You could have fallen off. A lot of fun stuff, and then that sounds funny. She's not pure-blooded. We'll call her a mudblood, and we'll put that in there. God. And I really teach that to kids. I felt bad as I was saying it, and then YouTube just stared at me and said, oh, God, what if it's also an actual slur, and J.K. Rowley just used it in the book?

Yeah. Oh, no. But yeah, she was probably like, yeah, this is fine. What's going to happen? Are these kids going to grow up and make all the political decisions? I don't think so. It'll be fine. Absolutely fine. There are some genies that are self-taught. I should point that out. Is that true? Any that I would know? Well, you know the Aladdin genie? Sure. Yeah, his brother. He's self-taught, not as good, but he was a self-taught genie. He was okay. Yeah, he's in the musical Aladdin.

Oh, the stage version. Yeah, he's not in the... No, no, no. That guy is not primed. He's more of a singer than anything, I think. Yeah, he's very good at singing, but that is also self-taught, actually. The self-taught. That is actually impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be a good singer and to have no formal training. Ah, yeah. Very jealous of that. Sure. Really jealous of people who can sing properly. I think all three of us must be, right?

Oh, yeah. That's why we're here, is because we can't sing. Yeah, I can sing a little bit. You got some pipes on you? I think so, yeah. I like... I can carry a tune. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your style? You know, because I sing other people's songs, I don't know that I have a specific style. Oh, you do all styles. A style's the whole office can agree on. Yeah. Yeah.

What are some of your... What's in your repertoire? Like, if somebody's having a birthday. There's a specific song... There's a specific song that I will sing, and sometimes other people will join me in singing it. I'll sing for someone's birthday. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't say the words on it because it's copyrighted. I don't know if you'd know. It's called Happy Birthday.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you guys have that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, we've never had you singing this song, but we've never really heard Happy Birthday. I mean, is there anybody's birthday in you? Someone's birthday in the office, I believe. It's the Great Benito's birthday today. That's the Great Benito. That's the Great Benito through there.

I'll produce the Great Benito. No, he didn't introduce himself that way to me. No. He just said his name was Ben. Yeah, that's short for the Great Benito. I mean, he's a little bit tricksy, actually. Apologies for that. He should have told you his population. Yeah, is he being modest or is he actively trying to deceive me? Oh, yeah, actively trying to deceive you.

He's very deceptive and it's been a problem on this trip. We've come to LA and we want to meet people and make friends. Absolutely. And he's kind of making up names and stuff and introducing himself as Ben and stuff like that. Is this like when the king goes in the countryside and the guys of a beggar to see what people really think of the king. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

He's trying to reinvent himself over here. So now, if you hadn't said that Ben was the Great Benito, I would have been talking all kinds of shit about the Great Benito. And he's just sitting there watching it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what he's planning on doing. Yeah, yeah. Well, he doesn't need that.

I've never met him before. He doesn't need a cloak. He just said, by the way, I'm the Great Benito. A verbal cloak. Yeah. Your food guy? I eat it every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Multiple times. Yeah. I've eaten twice today. That works out. I was just doing the timings. And you know what? I'm going to eat again tonight. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I even ate a thing. I had two meals, and even in between the two meals, I ate something else, a little tiny, smaller thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. If you could call it a meal. What was the little thing you ate in between the meals? It's a banana.

Very nice. An exotic fruit from who knows where. For people who aren't familiar with bananas at home, do you want to describe it to them? Yeah, there are proof that there is intelligent design in the universe. God created the banana so that we could hold it in our hand and peel it.

Yes. I don't think I have to elaborate on that anymore. But it's, to me, it's a great fruit because it's got the most sugar and tastes most like treat. Yeah, yeah. Apples, I like apples. They're a lot of work. Bananas are so easy.

Yes. You peel them, they're soft. Yeah, yeah. They're really easy to get through. Oh, yeah. And it's like, not many, how many bites do I can, it takes to finish a banana? Four, yeah.

Well, it depends on the size of banana. It's true. They come in a range. True. I would say your average banana. Yeah, yeah. You could do a big bite, sure. Are you like a big bite guy?

He's a big gulps guy. I love big gulps. And you cannot lie? What does that mean? You like a gigantic soda drink. No, I have no idea. I take big sips out of drinks. I finish drinks quickly.

I do that too. I eat and drink very quickly. I grew up in a big family, and that is a homework. I was an only child, but very fat. Yes. Yeah. Just because of speed. Just speed, just sheer speed.

I'm constantly trying to beat his PB. Yeah. Every single time. But I knew PB is peanut butter. That's what I heard. Absolutely. From your day. Charity.

Like a yogurt. You should see him drink a drink. It's outrageous, because it's not even like he's putting the effort into doing the big sips. He just looks like he's had a normal sip, and then he puts the glass down. And he's like, how did that even happen? Yeah.

It's like a magician. But I find it is. Coming from a genie. That's what it is. Yeah. Big respect. It's more refreshing. I love having a beer on a hot day and take a big gulp,

and then it's half gone. Yeah. My problem, I do the same thing with alcoholic drinks. And the problem is that you're finishing before everybody else is. Yes. And it does make me self-conscious. That especially with wine.

Wine is like very easy to drink. And depending on the, we, at home we have, my wife likes them. I don't. They're these little wine glasses. They're very continental. You know what I mean? But it's very hard to keep track of how much you've had.

Yeah. Because it just looked like a little juice glass. It's like, if I had a lot of wine, or if I had not had enough wine. Yeah. 15 glasses of wine. Yeah. But is it, are they real glasses?

Yeah. Yeah. 15 little tumblers. Yeah. Thimbles. It's like mouthwash. Yeah. Yeah.

With mouthwash, here's a rebellious thing that I do. This is exciting. It says that you should pour it out into the cap and then measure it out. It definitely does. And then swirl it. I just, we get out the bottle. Deep, now.

Out the bottle. Are you kidding? How do you? How do you know how much you're getting? There's no way. I don't even know. I don't even know. What?

What? And you swallow it as well, don't you? I don't swallow it. What do you do? I'll swallow it. He crumbled under question. So quickly. It's one question and you'll get him.

Yeah. That's it. He'll always lie the first time and then you'll get him. But a lot of people don't think to ask the question. Yeah. He sounded pretty different. Yeah. It's just more genie code.

More genie code. Yeah. We're allowed to lie the first time. At some time you have to tell the truth. We always start with still or sparkling water in the dream restaurant. Oh, still. What? No, yeah.

I'm sorry. No, no, it's great. And then we judge everything? No. That wasn't a judge. This is the first thing we're on water. That wasn't a judgey noise. That was come on.

That was a judgey noise. That was absolutely a judgey noise. No, because we're always fascinated by people's answers because whatever people answer still or sparkling, they always say as if it is the definitive answer and they can't believe anyone picks anything different. Sure. So we do it in, oh, still.

Of course. Here's why I think that is. Because if you're at dinner with multiple people and they're ordering the thing that you don't want, you have to get your thing in there so you're not stuck drinking the thing that you don't want to drink. To me, water is, I love drinking water. I love it.

It's surprising to me that there's some people like, I hate water. How can you biologically not like drinking water? It's absolutely in your DNA that you need to do it. That's the main thing. Yeah. It's the main thing. And so there are so many times where, of course,

I want a different kind of drink if I'm at home, but I think, I bet if I have a glass of water, I'm going to be fine. And I'll have that glass of water. I'm like, you did it again, water. Perfect success rate. I don't care about the other thing anymore. But I've never developed a taste for sparkling water.

And it always seems to me, it's weird. It's like, this isn't thirst quenching. It's salty and distracting. And it's making me wish I just had water. I don't like lacroix, seltzers, things like that, for the same reason that it's too much between states. It's slightly carbonated or fizzy,

and it's slightly flavored, and it just makes me want either the full flavor of something else or just water. I feel like I have some immunity to those. And it sucks, because people enjoy them so much. And people, when you go to somebody's house, and they have like, we have 80 flavors of lacroix, and everyone's excited except me.

And it's a bummer, because I wish I liked it, but I just don't like it. Do you believe them, though, that they love it? Are you looking at them going, come on. You don't love this. Here's the thing. I do, because I feel the same way about olives. People love olives.

They really love olives. And I wish that I did. I feel like that's different, though. Olives, there's a really distinctive flavor in there. There's something there, you know, with this seltzer. As you said, it's not one. It's like there was a small accident at the water factory. That they're making soda on one side of the factory,

and then sparkling water. And someone just knocked a tiny shot into a massive vat. And then that just gives that slight suggestion of flavor. Yeah, and it's people who are like, oh, we're having fun. Here's where I think it started. When people started putting lemon in tap water, you go to a restaurant and they would bring you that without even warning you that that was going to happen.

And it's like, I don't want one. This is very specific, and I did not ask for it. Yeah, that's a real left turn in the water. It's a crazy assumption to make. Just going to add this quite offensive flavor now. I'm assuming you like it. Lemon is very specific. Also, you put lemon in tap water.

Tap water is, I'm sure you know, clear. And you can see the bits of the flake of the lemon bobbling around like bits of skin. It's disgusting. Yeah, the flaky lemon. It's disgusting. Pop it up some bread. Pop it up some bread, Paul.

Pop it up some bread. I'm going to say bread. Paul's reaction to that was great, by the way. Yeah, absolutely great. With the prop. Pop it up some great. But man, hot fresh bread at a restaurant is so good. It's so good.

Especially if you got pulled apart. With your hand, you're going straight in with your hands. That's something my mother drilled into me, was that you'd never cut fresh bread. But if it's fresh bread, you break it apart, you don't cut it. That is an interesting thing for her to choose to drill into you. It was the only thing. You have to tear apart fresh bread with your hands, son.

It's the only thing. And then she was gone. That's the only thing she left me. That would be so, you know, in like films where characters have constant like flashbacks of things their parents said to them. The film of your life, it's like every five minutes, you get the same flashback of how I go, tear into fresh bread with your hands, son.

And then the door shuts. It's like my mother always said. Is there any particular type of bread? I'm a huge lover of sourdough bread. I love sourdough bread, but I also like a real dark black bread, you know, like that, that real brown bread that's very peasant-y. I like that a lot, yeah. That would tie in with the tearing it apart with your hands.

Oh, yeah, exactly. I'm covered in soot. You know, it's 5 p.m. I just got off a 19-hour shift and I'm ready to have my simple rustic meal. Yeah, you've just been working down a coal mine and now you're going to eat bread that looks like coal. That's right, in a little wooden bowl.

Of course in a little wooden bowl. Absolutely. And you love it as well. That's the thing. I love it, I love it. You're not being like, oh, their own bread again. You're just like, oh, this is the best thing. Yeah, then I get drunk on ale or meat or whatever.

And then I sleep for two hours and go back to work. It's a perfect night. Are you skipping around in a circle, singing a little song about bread? Well, the kids are, of course. Because it is bread night. Yeah, yeah. You're not singing, it's now his birthday.

That's right, that's right. I hear them as I approach my cottage. Yeah, sure. I hear them. I'm just at the door of my huffle and I'm like, oh, it's bread night. He's here. Bread, bread, bread.

Bread night. Daddy's home. And you get your spindle off your shoulder. Yeah. I'm tired there. I work in the coal mine. Now I'm a hobo. Come on.

I'm sure, but spindles have been too limited, I think. Yeah, maybe you're right. Everyone should have a spindle. Maybe, yeah. We can all make one. We can all make a spindle to work. Yeah. That's perfect to carry a bread roll.

Yeah. That's true. Yeah. That's true. If you want things, then I'm not going to touch the filth that's on you as much as possible. Well, that's what you put in. Dieters, sac, but it's a stick.

Away from you. That's away from your body. Yeah. Oh, that makes so much sense. So your starter. I had this soup when I was a kid that my older sister encouraged me to get. And I did not think I was going to like it.

And she said, no, you will like it. And it was a, because it was a vegetable. I was not a vegetable eater when I was a child. No one really is, though. No, they're not. And I wish I wish that had been drilled into me sooner, because it took me a long time till I was well into adult to say, I should start doing this.

This is untenable. I can't keep avoiding these things forever. And it was a cream of celery soup that was so good. I can still taste it. And I was probably like 10 years old. We were out at some restaurant. It was like a family celebration of something or other. And she said, you'll like this soup.

And I got it. And it was, I've never forgotten it. But of course, no kids pick in a cream of celery soup. No. So the surprise, the gulf between what you thought it was going to be like and what it actually tasted like must have been huge. Yes. And your mom's there going, eat the soup with your hands.

Yeah. She said, break that soup apart. It's fresh. This is an older sister, I'm assuming. Yes. Yeah. So that would be insane. A five-year-old sister going, you should get the celery soup.

You will like it. I have no will of my own. And I haven't talked to anything by anyone. So how old was your sister and how old were you? Oh, there's a great gulf of years between us. She was the oldest and I was the second to last out of six kids. Oh, wow. So she's fully, she was probably like 20 at that point.

Right. Okay. So she's like saying to her, what, like five-year-old, whoever, get the cream of celery soup, you will like it. I was, I believe I was bemoaning that I didn't like any of the things that were available. And she said, you should try this. You're really going to like it. Yeah.

Yeah. And I thought, this is, there's no way. Yeah. There's no way. I love that so many people have the story of like their elder siblings introducing them to cool bands and you've got cream of celery soup. I used to sneak into my sister's room when she went out and get into the vat. She had pots of ilera.

Why, when I think back on it now, it's strange. You know, but I mean, she was, she was from a different generation. I don't know. They had soup all the time, all over the place. Slurping it up. So what, did it, I mean, it did taste heavily of celery or was that because quite often. It did. Yeah.

It did. And it was, but it was, of course, it was extremely creamy, which is like, that's how a kid was able to like it. But it was, it was a, whatever spices were in it, whatever, however it was seasoned, it was a brand new thing to me that it was like, it's sort of, it sort of had the idea like, I didn't know that grown-up food could taste good like this. Sure. You know, yeah.

Yeah. Also, here's a question. You said, it's six of you. Yes. In my head, all of your siblings also include the middle initial in their name. It's pretty close. It's pretty close. We all do it for any, any official signing of documents or whatever,

any kind of business correspondence, but not, no one does it in life the way that I do it. Yeah. Yeah. But so round the table, she wasn't saying to you, you should have the cream of celery soup, Paul F. No, it's like it was an alcoholics anonymous meeting. You've all got stickers, even though you know each other's names, you've all got stickers. Hello, my name is Paul F.

And you want this specific soup from that meal? Yeah. Because are you doing it much, like since have you done, are you a big soup guy? I'm not a big soup guy, but I do, I do enjoy it on occasion. I tend to like soups that are simple like that, that are not full of a lot of stuff. I like to have, I like a single flavor soup. Sure. Yeah, you don't need a jazzy soup.

I don't need too much, no. Although I enjoy like a hearty, you know, like a beef and vegetable kind of thing is very, yeah, is very enjoyable, especially in the winter time. Yeah, that's Wednesdays when you were a minor, right? It was a broth night. That's right. Absolutely. With your bread rolls, just mopping up the last bits from the wooden bowl.

Broth does not carry well in a bindle though. Oh, it's just sort of soaking through and splashing out the back. Yeah, yeah. Well, you learn that once, but then you know it forever. You know what I mean? Yeah, you just, well, your way to work, that's just getting lighter. And you notice at the end, oh no. Why is my back so wet?

Everyone at work is calling you broth back. There he is, old broth back. That was once, guys! Oh, broth back mountain, how's it going? How's it going? Okay, this morning, I'll put broth back. Look at it. Pat him on the back, it's all squelching.

To wring out my coat over the... You stink of beef. It's humiliating. You stink of like beef. Beef, broth back. Boy, you'd go crazy if you were in the mine and somebody smelled like... Yeah. Beef, oh.

It would be too much. Some people do smell like so. It would be too much. It would be too much in the mine. Nobody ever smells like a soup that's good, though. No, it's always bad soup. It's always like powdered soup. But that's a thing, people smell of soup.

Yeah, people who smell like soup. That is the thing, people smell of soup. There's no way around that. Yeah, some people smell like soup, but it's not a soup you'd want to eat. No, exactly. No, it's never cream of salad, is it? No, it's like medicinal soup. It's got cold, it's like a cold, stinky soup.

Yeah. That's like, yeah, maybe just got some unpleasant vegetables in it, and maybe even some cheese. But that's like not a good... But you don't want it yet. Not like French onion soup, cheese. Yeah, no one's ever said to someone, you smell like soup and they went, oh, thank you.

It's not a fragrance. Is there food that you've ever smelled of? That people have pointed out to me? Yeah. Or that you've not even aware of. Or that I tried to pull off. You haven't been like, oh, I smell like sandwiches today. Trying to think, I don't know that it's ever been pointed out to me

that I smelled of a specific food. I remember one time a friend of mine smelled like cookies. That's lovely. It was absolutely delightful, and she was very flattered to hear it. Said, do I really? I was like, yeah, you do. I don't know what it is. Is your friend the character from Toy Story?

Yes, my friend is a cookie. A cookie friend? I, look, I make these cookies to look like people. I can't bear to eat them. I need to get a different mold, something that I don't care about. What would make you want to eat the cookie? What would it be made of that you were like, I want to destroy this thing?

Oh, hate. Yeah. You know, racism, prejudice. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Capitalism. Cheating at sports. Things like that, if I could get those molds.

It's difficult to explain that, though, if someone found you've had a cookie that said prejudice on it. It looks like you're pro-prejudice. That is yes, and that's a lesson that you learn the hard way. When you are making a huge batch of prejudice cookies and walking around with them like, would you like to? Cookie? They don't get the message.

You're a monster. And you're like, no, no, it's like, you know, you hate it so much that you're like, I used to make cookies that look like my friends and I kind of ate them, and that wouldn't do you any thanks. They've gone by that point. Yeah, no, it's listened to you. Here's what I would just say, a cookie monster,

and then see if that puts a positive association in their mind. I don't know. I don't know if it works. I'm going to try it a couple more times. Your main course. This is tough. My main course from all of the history of my life. I think it would have to be pasta.

I think it would have to be an arrabbiata sauce, a red sauce, but with some spice to it. And I think for the pasta itself, look, I'm a spaghetti and meatballs guy. Love spaghetti and meatballs. I grew up on it. Love it. But when I go out to eat, I do like to get like a rigatoni,

like a or a broad, you know, like those broad, we used to call them sidewalks. They were like really wide noodles. I can't remember what they're called now, but what they're actually called. But like a rigatoni arrabbiata with like a beef ragu sauce. Sounds very nice. Yeah.

So rigatoni is just like they're the fat tubes, right? Yes, the fat tubes. Spaghetti and meatballs is one of those things that as a kid, I thought was going to factor into my life a lot more. Like, yeah, when I was a kid, spaghetti and meatballs was like in every cartoon. Like it was just all over the place. Yeah, totally.

And now I'm like, there's not much spaghetti and meatballs around in life actually. Like they were everywhere as a kid. You thought for every meal you'd be sitting down and tucking a napkin in around the collar and you're really preparing yourself for the big spaghetti and meatballs. There's a spaghetti and meatballs.

And twirling and it's so rare that you get to twirl a fork. Yeah, all that stuff is like, I mean, there's food fights with spaghetti and meatballs in the cartoon. So that's never, I've never had that. Well, food fights don't happen. Food fights don't really break out that often. Have you ever had a food fight? A fight with food or a fight over food?

Oh, well, let's go for both. No. Globby clarified. No, I don't think so. I don't think I've ever even heard of one in real life. Yeah. I mean, I tried, I was like, no, I've had a food fight. And then I started to remember my food fight

and I was genuinely imagining the film hook. So that is not my life. That's the food fight you were imagining. Yeah, I was like, there was a food fight and there was a, no, no, that was hook. It's all multi-coloured and both food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a magical man, a magical boy.

Rufio, my friend Rufio. It was paint, it turned into food. Or did food turn into paint? What happened? It wasn't there and then it was there. They just imagined the whole banquet, didn't they? Yeah, they did. And then they started having the food fight with it.

Great film. Great film. Great film. Right? Super holds up. Yeah? Yeah, sure. Wasn't lauded when it came out though.

No, because it was bad. Oh, it's a bad film. Right, okay. It's one of those things where people that are a generation after me revere this movie. It's very important to them when they were a kid. But it's the difference between seeing a movie once when you're kind of old enough to say, well, that's not good.

And being a child and watching a thing over and over and over again to the point where you develop a relationship with it, which I did not do with Hook, that did not happen. I saw it on a ferry. That's a long ride. Is that the whole thing? Where are you going? Where are you coming from?

To Holland from England. Wow. How long of a ride is that? I don't know. At least one hook's worth. At least one hook. At least one hook. I mean, also, I didn't have any, I might have even mentioned this

on the podcast before, which is one of my most cherished childhood memories. But I'd know, I'd never been on a ferry before. I didn't know what was on the ferry. We hadn't been told there was a cinema there. I don't think there'd be like a cinema there. Yeah, right. So I was just sitting there on the ferry, bored out my mind.

And then my mum was like, come with me. I was like, okay. And I was just following her. And then she goes into this room and it's a fucking cinema. And I was like, what? And then we sit down and I'm like, wow. And even at that age, you're like, well, I'm probably not going to be showing like a brand new film that's just come out.

And then Hook started and I was like, oh my God. And then like, it was so brilliant. They can show what they like. It's international waters. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. That's true.

And you're allowed to record it. You can bootleg it. Yeah, they don't give a shit. Look, there's something they can do. Yeah. The big memory from that, two memories from that holiday. One is watching Hook on the ferry. And one is being on the beach.

And I'd learned that in Dutch, like, you could say yes by saying yay and no by saying nay. And I'd built a sand castle and a little Dutch boy who I had never, I did not know. A prominent thumb? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came over. He came over and he went to kick the sand castle over.

He drew his leg back and I shouted nay at him and he shouted yay at me. And it went on for ages. And it was just like, yay and nay. Just back and forth. And we go, nay. And he'd be like, yay. I like going to kick my sand castle over.

How did it end? I won. He didn't do it in the end. Oh, well done, man. He walked away. I felt like I'd really won the battle, mainly because my sister and brother both joined me at the time shouting nay.

So it was three of us going nay. And then he was like, okay, I know when I've been outnayed. He went away. How many more of these are going to show up? One thing I think is incredible is that about children is that you'd never been on a boat before and you're like already over it. Yeah, boring.

We're going to need to throw a cinema into it. This is a brand new experience. I want open water going to another country. What else is there? Take me to another land of entertainment. That's from, I've seen a film on a ferry before. When I was, I think 10 or 11, I was on a school trip and they showed the film Hackers.

Don't know if you remember the film Hackers. I've never seen it, but I know of it. And that's very, that's a strange choice. It's a strange choice. Bearing in mind at one point during the film, Angelina Jolie does reveal her top half. Really? Yeah.

And it is a room full of 11 year old boys absolutely losing their minds, going crazy on this ship. Were there any repercussions? Was there a teacher there? Was there any, any adult? Oh yeah, they were loving it. International water. Yeah, that's it.

Just the water as you watch whenever you like. Wow. Parents can't do anything. So is this pasta for many where in particular? No, it's not. It's what I think of when I think of Italian food. Does that make sense? Yeah, totally.

It's the little picture that I have in my mind and it's the taste that I have when I think of Italian food. And it's really, I like that it's hearty and it's a lot of sauce and meat and pasta and it's very, it's always satisfying. It's always that fucking mouth start water. Is your mouth starting to water? My mouth started to water, yeah. When I was thinking about the after effects of the pasta,

like that was good. Yeah. You started salivating during the broadcast. In the description of some food. That's never happened before? That must have happened. No one's had to stop talking because their mouth is full of saliva.

Sorry. That's never happened before. I listen to a lot of bonkers. I have to stop. My mouth is watered. Yeah, just pour it. Yeah, yeah. Excuse me a second.

To be fair, you had the one, two punch of like the Angelina Jolie story and then the Patrick film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now here you are. Story got me all worked up. Absolutely. So I worked up a pasta that offers the pasta. Ah, it's because I'm thinking about pasta too much.

My eyes got gigantic and started making that old-timey car sound. In hackers, there's a bit where they hack someone's computer by just getting their password and they say it's a man's and men's passwords are always God or sex. Yeah. And that's, they say all men's part, three letters, God or sex. And it's right. They go like sex and they're in.

Yeah. Sex. What? I mean, that's true, right? Yeah. I may have to see this movie now. It's real. And the password only three.

Three letters, sex. Three letters is God or sex. Yeah. Always. Always. Always. Always. Obviously it's 2020 now, things have like moved on,

but we still all have passwords that are similar to that, right? Yeah, yeah. Sex, sex one. Right, yeah. God with 3Ds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine is a big old, big old orgy. Big, big old orgy.

Big old orgy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five. Big old orgy, five. I have a really complex one for my bank, which is Angelina Jolie's top half. Like disturbing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The vowels are numbers, obviously. Of course, yeah. God or sex. Are you having cheese on the pasta? Is someone coming around and grating cheese on top of it? Yes. What sort of cheese do you want? It's Parmesan.

Yeah, sure. And they go and they go and they go. And like at the point where I feel like I should tell him to stop, let go one second longer. Yeah, you've got to go one second. Because you don't want to regret that last, second big loss. No, no, no. How I do it is I don't look at how much cheese is going on.

I look at their eyes and when they look like I should be ashamed of myself, that's when I stop. So it's basically they're going and then when they finally, when their eyes go to you. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, stop. Like is he still, is he paying attention? Yeah, I'm going to be joking. This guy on his phone?

Let me do this. I've been doing this for a long time now. What if if you let them go one second longer at a time, how would you feel if like they're grating at the same pace and then you think one second longer and that one second they just like speed it up mega that they go so fast and start grating way quicker? Are you going to panic and be like, no. I mean, I'd have to respect it.

Yeah. I'd have to respect it because someone who's that intuitive, that's that's a skill in itself, you know. That's a good cheese guy. Yeah. Like he knew what he knew. He could tell from my face like everyone's got to tell. And he's looking at, you know, maybe my eyebrow lifts slightly or there's a little twitch in my eyelid and then he's like, ah, this guy, he thinks he's done.

And he ramps it up. Yeah. Now a lot of times it'll be, it'll be some sort of device that the cheese comes out of. It's, I feel like it's rare where there's, there's the actual greater. Yeah. Yeah. And the person's doing it. That's very rustic.

Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not, that's not very cool. That's like a coal miner like me. You can only dream of something like that. Yeah.

I'm a bit hand-grated onto your, your past. I like when I have a big bowl and I have a spoon. Oh yeah. You're like pre, pre-grated. You don't want to see the, I don't want to see that disgusting grating process. Well, I like it because I take, I believe you that you've graded this. Yeah. You didn't just buy it like this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, I trust you. But I don't know what's going on inside those, those grinders and things like that. Like who knows. What do you think, what do you worry about could be going on inside the grinder? I think it's a Ratatouille situation. I think there's, I think there's whatever sentient creature is small enough to fit inside there. Is frantically grading cheese.

On a little grape. They have their own little grape. Yes. Exactly. A little, little rat. A little rat, little mouse. I don't want to go smaller because then we're getting into the insect world. No thank you.

It's a nightmare. It's a literal nightmare. Yeah. So you like it like out of the bowl with a spoon, shake it along. I think it's nice. It's homey. Yeah. Do you ever shout like let it snow or whatever when they start doing that?

Just shout like let it snow. Yes. Yes. Just checking it. You shout it. Yes I do. Every time. Yeah, yeah.

Always let it snow on the pasta. Good. Do you ever sing let it snow because we all know you've got such a lovely voice. Got good pipes. There's a certain time of year when I will sing that song. Yeah. Pasta yet. Pasta yeah.

Pasta time. Pasta time. Pasta night in the cottage. Yeah. Oh yeah. So is there a pasta night in the old cottage? Sure. Absolutely.

Peasants like me we love pasta. Yeah. Spaghetti meatballs I do find hard to order. I get a little embarrassed to order it in a restaurant but I'll still do it. Yeah. But it does feel like I feel like I look like someone who does not have a grown-up palette and that I'm ordering something that a child would order. And yet it's on the menu for grown-ups.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's there but I always kind of apologize for it. Do you take a bib if they offer you a bib? You know some restaurants they give you a bib. If they offer me a bib I will take a bib. Look I assume they know what they're talking about. Yeah you do. But I've been in a situation where I've been given a bib

and then I've looked around the restaurant and no one else is wearing a bib. Was this like a seafood situation? No it was like a barbecue situation. Oh yes, yes, yes. So I'm eating ribs and I'm looking around everyone else's bibless. I've got a bib so then you're thinking, did they just not offer the bib to anyone else? They just saw me and they were like, we've got a bibba.

Yeah, well maybe they've seen the size gulps you take and then like this guy. There's no way this food is making it into his mouth without some of it falling on his clothes. Yeah, yeah. These guys are a rush. Sloppy bites. Sloppy bites. You got that meatball song over here? I think I know the meatball song.

Oh I know what I mean. I mean, there's a meatball song I'm thinking of. Yeah, yeah. I hope it's the same one. Do you guys want to start singing your meatball songs at the same time and we'll see if they match up? Yes, yes. Okay, right. Now do you want to count as well?

I'll go three, two, one after one. You go three, two, one. Meatball, meatball, meatball, meatball for my mouth. I love eating meatballs from north to south. Give me a meatball, I'd like a meatball please. Meatball, meatball, meatball, no spaghetti on my knees. Yes, no spaghetti on my knees. Yes, we do have that song.

Yeah, yeah. But your one started on top of... On top of spaghetti. Oh, I've heard that one, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's a, I think of that more of a spaghetti song. You think that's... Oh, yeah, I guess.

Ah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed. But then the meatball really is the star of the song. Because then we follow the meatball on its journey. Spaghetti is just the location. And not even for the rest of the song. Yeah, that's true.

The spaghetti is the bed where the meatball lies its head, is the end, isn't it? Because the meatball sleeps. Oh, God. This might be a third meatball song. Does it sleep? Yeah, so it's automatically covered in cheese. Spaghetti is the bed where the meatball lies its head.

It sneezed, it rolled off the table and onto the floor. Yeah. And then my poor meatball rolled out of the door. Yeah. And I know it goes on from there. It does keep on rolling. But it goes on the journey. The way I was always taught it is it goes on that big journey.

Yeah. Almost exactly the journey of Babe picking the city. Does it? Yeah. And then, at the end of the day, it's a tired meatball and the spaghetti is the bed where the meatball lays its head. What would the tune be of that particular lyric? Well, same tune.

It just, it sounds like it mixed it up with a way in a manger. Where the meatball lays his head. That's not his. The meatball's got a gender at the end? Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a head. Well, that's part of the disco.

Go ahead. Isn't this the meatball? That's what I assumed. This is changing everything I thought I knew about meatballs. I haven't heard the meatball lays its headline. No. Yeah. It's a very long song.

Also, I can't remember a lot about the journey of pig in the city, of a pig in the city. It's exactly the same as the meatball. I know it goes to a city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it goes on the floor. Just somebody sneezes and then, babe. Is that when he gets off the farm?

Yeah, so someone sneezes, sneezes him off the farm. Yeah, and he goes to the city. Big sneeze, Farmer Hoggart. Yeah. Farmer Hoggart really, really has quite a sneeze on it. Yeah. Ejecting animals. I can't believe you guys haven't had the full song.

Well, no. Yes, I, I, I, I, he rolls out of the door, the meatball, but like, I can't remember what happens after he goes off the farm. Oh, he ends up in a bush at some point. Ah, yeah, maybe. Look at him out of the bush a little bit, yeah. Then my poor meatball is nothing but mush. Mush, yes.

Yes. Yes. I think that's the end. I mean, that must be the end. I don't think, I don't think he ends up back on the spaghetti. He can't hit his head anywhere. No, he's, he's dissolved. His component parts.

He's been broken down on his component parts. There's a bit where he ends up on like a construction site in there. This is Mr. Magoo. Lifting up some wood and it's rolling. This is baby's day out. Yeah, yeah, this is baby's day out. Definitely.

Oh yeah, no, baby's day out. It's a real fairy movie, you know what I mean? Sorry, baby's day out. Yeah, that's what you were thinking of. Yeah. Baby's day out. God, we got to the bottom of that. Baby's day out.

Well, what's your side dish, Paul? My side dish is going to be Brussels sprouts, which I, that was when I decided I had to learn to love vegetables. That was the first thing that I ate. I was at dinner at a friend's house. I was in my early 30s and this couple was cooking for a large group of us. So it was like, it was, it was sort of like an impromptu dinner party. And, you know, it was a lot of friends and the couple, I didn't know that well,

but I really liked them a lot and I thought they were cool people. And so they made Brussels sprouts and I had this, like in my head, I was like, well, I don't want to look like a fucking asshole. Like, I don't need me, because they're not, they're not a hamburger. And so I said, I said, I'm just going to, I'm just going to eat them. I'm just going to eat them. And then they turned out to be good. And it was a real turning point for me in my life.

Did you try and start it out like you always eat them? And then, no, did you actually say to everyone, these are amazing? I waited for somebody else to say it first. I thought they were good, but I, I was afraid of that very thing. Faxing like I was from another planet, like your earth food. But I, I, I think I did make sort of yummy sounds while I was eating them, but somebody else broke the seal and said, these Brussels are delicious.

I said, yeah, they really are like as if I'd eaten them all the time. The perfect crime. I know Brussels. The perfect crime. And these are Brussels. I agree. I can confirm your suspicions. How are they cooked?

Because I mean, Brussels sprouts, I think still in the UK are absolutely reviled because they're like, they're boiled and they stink. They were roasted and they are so good. And I've had them, I've had them boiled and yeah, the smell is a lot stronger. Very bad. I can still eat them boiled. And I, I, I think they're my favorite vegetable,

but yeah, roasted Brussels sprouts are so good. Yeah. They're so good. And they're on like every menu here. Yeah. They've really, in the last, I'm going to say in the last five years, they've really made this crazy resurgence where they are on every single, every place you go has Brussels sprouts.

Do you take credit for that at all? Oh yeah. I mean, you know, I mean, it's something that happened here and I'm here. And I don't know. That's the man. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to say?

You've probably been putting in a good word here and there. I mean, I certainly, when I have them, I do make a point of saying, I really like these and they're very good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I say it the same way every time. Yeah.

Which is how you establish a pattern. So it's easy for people to remember. Yeah. So by the time I'm saying to someone else, you know, I like these. These are very good. They don't realize they've heard it from me already. They're like, yeah, I've heard that before. Yeah.

That's a saying, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. That's a saying. That's a saying. Yeah. I really like these and they're very good. Do you have the Brussels sprout song here?

We have one. Do you think it's the same one that you guys have? Oh, I'm not sure. It must be. Do you guys want to start singing it at the same time? Yeah, sure. We can start. Three, two, one.

B-R-U-S-S-E-L Sprouts! Yeah, yeah, yeah! I really like these. These are very good. Yeah, it's the same one. Yeah. Very good song.

It's a great song. And then he goes to bed. Now, hold on. I never spat them. I guess. Huh? I don't think that he... It doesn't go to bed, right?

Not in the song that we sing. Not in the song that we sing. Tired from the journey. I know you think like... What journey is this? Or the sprouts of little heads. No, baby's day out. Yeah, forget about baby's day out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, I bet... I've never seen the movie, but I bet that baby... I assume he has a journey. He's got a day out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He must be exhausted by the end. Oh, so tired.

Well, I mean, not as tired as the robbers that are chasing it. Like, the robbers that are chasing it virtually get killed. Are you thinking of home alone? No, no, it's like it's another... It was off the back of home alone. People was trying to make films that were like home alone because it was so big. And baby's day out is like a baby

just like crawling through the city. And there's these free robbers, I think. Or like criminals. Robbers. And they're like chasing... They're trying to catch this baby. This baby is known to carry a lot of cash. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's like something that baby's nappy or something. Something in a diaper. Maybe you would call it a diaper. I got it the first time. And what? And the crooks are going after the baby and they're trying to get what's in there and they're just like getting all sorts of awful stuff happening.

They're really getting them up into this instant karma. But at the end, the baby's kind of okay. It doesn't even know what's happened. And the criminals are like... Baby's relative to object permanence, right? So the robbers are new to it every time. If the baby's even aware of these robbers. I don't think it is.

I don't think the baby's got any idea. I have a feeling this baby is just crawling around. Robbers in the wake and then they get close to the baby and then boom, hit with a girder. Or what, things like that happen. Yeah, I think that must be it. Also, I love that the Home Alone did well. So we're like, we need to make films like Home Alone.

There's a kid in the house. Why don't we take a kid out of the house? Yeah, I mean make the kid a baby. Little kid, cute. Baby, cuter. Yeah, cuter and we don't have to write a character for it. Two robbers, pretty good. Three robbers, even better.

Even better. Smashable. Knock him about for the whole thing. Smash the robbers. I really smashed him. Yeah, those robbers got smashed. It's crazy now that I'm an adult and I know who Joe Pesci is

in terms of like, when I was a kid and saw Home Alone, I was just like, that's a funny robber. And now I'm like, oh, Joe Pesci. Yeah. Like it actually respected good actor who like won an Oscar and like incredible. And actually that's who I was watching the whole time. He should have won an Oscar for that in my IMO.

I'd have liked that. I think I would have liked that, yeah. I would have liked it, you know, if it upset the system. Yeah, yeah, it's always good when there's an upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When there's an upset there. Also, who's the guy, Howard? Dean?

Daniel Stern? He was the voice of the wonder years. He's a different guy. Howard Stern is a different guy. Howard Stern, wait, is he? Does his podcast, doesn't he? He does look like a thing, and he would be. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They both have the same last name, but they have different first names. But they don't look like each other. I wonder if it's, if they, it's like how, last names used to be occupations, and they're descriptors. So these guys, maybe they were very stern. They grew up in different parts of the country, and so they didn't realize, oh, this guy is already,

they call him Stern. Have they ever met? Have they ever met? How? Oh, they mustn't, they mustn't cross paths. Have they ever met? Have Howard and Daniel Stern ever met? That's a good idea for a podcast.

Yeah. Do you think they've ever been on a certain part of a boat? Oh, starboard. Close, warm. I would like to hear a podcast as Daniel Stern, Howard Stern, and Laura Dern. And.

On a boat? Maybe on a boat. In the stern? Maybe in the stern. No, in the cinema. That's where you're going to see the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Podcast should take place at the,

during a screening of a film, and they're talking through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Stern, dead in stern. Because imagine how crazy that would be if you were watching a movie, and then behind you there's some people,

just talking at a conversational level, and you're like, would you please go? Oh, wait a minute. What's going on here? Your favorite. I'm going to give, am I allowed to give two options? Yes. And then we'll, we might,

and we'll try and narrow you down. I'm going to give two, I'm going to give an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic option. Lovely. I don't drink it much anymore. It's very rare. But beer, a nice cold beer.

God damn. It's so good. Yeah. A cold beer. Does it even matter what type of beer, as long as it's cold? It matters a little bit. I'm not an IPA person.

IPA is, they're the Brussels sprouts of beer, so they started to dominate, and then finally there was some pushback from people saying like, not everything has to be this. A beer could taste nice too. But I like, I like loggers. I like loggers, so a nice cold loggers. The best beer I ever had that tasted the most like

the idea of beer that I haven't, that I have always had in my mind was, I had it in, at a pub in London, and it was Amstel, just regular Amstel, which here in the States, we did not know was a thing. Because we had Amstel light, and that was it. And it was just never, why are you introducing a variant of this beer we've never had?

And I was in a, I was working in London, and I went into this pub and they had Amstel, and I just thought I would try it. And it was like the perfect temperature. It was, it was so like beyond drinkable. It was so good. It was refreshing. It was like, this is just like the drawing of beer.

It was so good. My non-alcoholic option is, man, a cold Coca-Cola. Yeah. So good. Nothing beats it. Out of the bottle? Yeah. So good.

Welcome to America. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A cold Coke out of the, out of a glass bottle is so good. Straight up normal Coke. Yeah. We're not fucking around with Diet Coke here. No, no, no.

No, well, depends how long it's been since you've had normal Coke. I'm not, look, I'm not fucking around. Yeah. No fucking around. None taken. You got a nice cold Coke out of a glass bottle. Or a pint of Amstel. Yeah.

A pint of Amstel. They're both very nice options. Like all the way up to the top where you gotta be really, you can't, you gotta take a little sip before you walk back to the, Oh, yeah. It's the Amstel now. Not the Coke at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right, yeah. I would like that. You know what? I'd like to see the Coke just spilling out of the bottle. Yeah, yeah. We overfilled it. Sorry. This never happens.

Yeah. Now to try and make you choose between the two, I want you to put yourself in the mind of the minor again. He's never far from my thoughts. After a 19 hour shift in the mind, you get back. Knowing I have to be back at work in four hours. Yeah, you gotta be back at work in four hours. What's going to be the most refreshing thing to,

and by the way, you're taking a sip and then you're wiping the glass or bottle on your head as well to cool down. Yeah, it's gotta be that pint. It's gotta be the pint. It's gotta be that pint. Yeah, we're going with the pint. Yeah, that's a good option. Yeah, lovely.

It's also good with the, with the spice of the pasta. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's good. And the kids are so excited for beer night. They're so excited. They get to watch me drink beer. Did you ever get given a sip of beer as a kid? Yeah, absolutely.

Oh yeah. Yeah, and it was, you know, when I was a kid, it was revolting. But it was intriguing. One day. I never forgot it. Yeah, one day I'm going to like this. Yeah. One day.

I remember having a sip of beer as a kid and I'm like, one day this is going to be a problem. Yeah. I've never seen a kid refuse it either. Even though they know that. No. I've never seen an adult be like, I never thought about that.

You want a sip of this? And they're like, oh, I'm good. I just carry on. No, I'm a kid. Doesn't seem like I like it. Yeah. My pal's not developed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ever been wasted on me. I think, I know that you like that drink. I don't want to deprive you of it. I don't drink. I don't drink. Yeah, yeah. I like stuff that's like real sweet or, or else it's just like basic primal carnivore stuff.

You know what I mean? I've got to keep it clear, I've got kids stuff to get on with. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Yeah. So, no thank you. This time I'm going to let you get away with it, but one more.

I'm calling someone about this. Yeah, I'm a snitch. I'm good. One thing you've got to know about me is I'm a snitch. A proud of it. Yeah. A proud snitch. Well, you're old enough to understand

that it's something that should be ashamed of. Yeah, I'm such a snitch. I snitched on myself for being a snitch. Yeah, I just completely sang like a canary about my own snitchiness. Back to the coal mine there with the canary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true.

Always comes back. Oh, how disappointing when that canary dies and you're like, ooh. Yeah, yeah. You go back any second and tell us what that coal mine's like. But then you got to get the canary, like to make sure that the canary is dead, you still have to go in there, right?

I guess so. And once you're in there, it's a problem. Yeah. Oh, is you not winch, you winch it back up, right? What? You winch. I think you dip the canary and then winch it back up. Winch.

You winch? You winch. How big is this canary? Oh, is it like it's in a location? In a cage, yeah. Can I tell you that never occurred to me? You thought they just set it free? I honestly, in my, right, that expression,

I always just picture the canary flying into the coal mine. Yeah. If it doesn't come back, I guess that's it. If it doesn't come back, it's either really bad or really great down. Yeah, he loves it. He loves it. The idea that you release the canary down there,

if it doesn't come back, you've got to send a man down there to check. What's the point of the canary? Imagine being the miner going there to find, trying to find a loose canary in a coal mine on your own. Hit my wall. Where's the canary gone? We should have winched it down in a cage.

The impossible job. That was fun. That was fun to learn a new thing to do. It was very fun to watch you learn it. Yeah. I hope so. Also, what was really nice, and sometimes it's like, I feel very privileged to be in the room during the podcast

and not just here in the audio, because you get to see people's faces. I got to see your face as it dawned on you. I got to see your face when I realized what you thought happened. Yeah. I was like, oh, Paul thinks that this is a canary, just gets thrown down a coal mine and flies down, and then of its own will flies back up and tells them it's okay.

I didn't think he told them anything. Also, what I was really enjoying is, you were really laughing at me saying winching it down. So you're like, oh, yeah. What the hell is this guy talking about? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were insane. That was the sweetest bit of the whole thing.

Here's what, because in my mind, I was... You were picturing a loose canary tied up with a rope and being winched down. Yes, it's exactly right. Yeah, it's exactly right. How would you winch it back up because it can fly? So like, it would be ridiculous to try and winch it back up. It's true.

Because it's already flying in the air. It's true. All of it's true. It would be so much slack. Yeah. I mean, I guess I'm fortunate that expression is not. Practically impacted my life? Yeah, sure.

That I didn't have to think about it that much. In that way, I'm lucky. But like, all the people in your whole life who have used that expression around you or heard you use that expression, don't know that in your head, you were picturing something completely wrong. They have no idea.

I understood the most important part. Yeah, yeah. You know that canary dyes don't go in the mine. That's all you know. Exactly. Yeah. But like, if that was a cartoon, it'd be like you saying like,

well, you know, it's like we're sometimes send a canary down a coal mine, you know? And everyone's like, oh, yeah, Paul's really intelligent. And then it would show like your mind. Yes, exactly. And what your imagination is going on, which is the free throw in a canary down a mine. I'd like you going, yeah, that's what happens.

Well, we'll give him another hour. Yeah. And if he doesn't come back, we're sending a man down. Yeah. This is a canary flying back up yet. This cartoon sounds pretty good. Yeah, it's a pretty good cartoon.

It's called... People having conversations. People having conversations. And one person doesn't understand it. Idiot. And then when he can zoom into his head. Yeah, exactly. Easy to animate.

So easy to animate. You'll have a whole thing in it about Ed thinking that meatballs have heads. Yeah. If that makes you feel better. You know, we've all learned stuff today. I think so. Not me.

No. Let's see what we learn in the dessert course. This is a thing that's very hard to find the way that I like it. And that is because it's a thing that you'll see on a menu and you never know how it's going to turn out when you get it. And that is cheesecake. Okay. The kind that I like that I think is considered the New York cheesecake,

except a lot of times it is not this. Is that incredibly dense cheesecake. Super, super dense. That is sweet and sour at the same time. That's the I love that what it's like really high. Like it's just thick. Just a thick piece of cheesecake. And sometimes it's too creamy.

It's too soft. I like it when it's like you got to make a little tiny bit of effort to slice through with the fork. Okay. So is this a baked cheesecake? Or is it like a cheesecake where it's not cooked? Is it just like the biscuit base with the cream cheese and stuff on top of it? What, what are you saying?

Looks like class isn't over yet. So you know, you could get cheesecakes that are like just like sugar and cream cheese on like a biscuit base and then you put they put it in the fridge. Quite soft. Or there's like a baked cheesecake, which is more labor intensive. You have to like, you make the stuff, you pour it in, then you bake it's got like the brown crust on the top. And it's sort of slightly fluffier.

It's more that. Yeah, it's that. It's more that. But it's, it's got a, but the, the texture is very solid. It's very, you know, it's not super creamy. And that a lot of times it's, you just don't know which one you're going to get. Right. And the cream, cream one's fine.

Yeah. It's fine. You'll take it if it arrives. Yeah. But you'll be a bit sad. Well, I'll be a little, I'll look, I'll always be a little bit sad. And that's not just concerning what we're talking about on this podcast. Yeah.

Generally. I'll always be a little bit sad. Now you've learned something. No, I've just learned that Paul will always be a little bit sad. Oh, it's a little bit. Yeah. Nice to learn, not nice to learn this. Yeah.

Just learning. I'll always. Just learning. Just learning. Learning is neutral. Learning is neither nice nor not nice. No. You just learned to it and now I know it.

Yeah. I can. The rest is up to you. It's up to me what I do with that information. That's exactly right. Vanilla cheesecake. What's that? Vanilla.

Vanilla. Cheesecake. What flavor is the cheesecake? It's cheesecake flavored. But they must put like vanilla in it. Yeah. Or something. I imagine they do.

I've never made one. Right. But there are things like strawberry cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake, whatever. The default is just cheesecake. Yeah. Which I would not describe as vanilla flavored. Okay.

Or where I come from, vanilla flavored. That's, I grew up in Philadelphia and that's how we pronounce. Vanilla. Yeah. Vanilla. Vanilla. So before we left the apartment, I had a different t-shirt on. But I've been sweating and I stank.

Sure. So I took the t-shirt off, washed my pits, and I put on this number you're seeing right now. It's a great shirt. But what is annoying is the t-shirt that I had on originally was a Denix t-shirt with the pig and the Philadelphia. It was a Philadelphia sandwich t-shirt. And now you've said you're from Philadelphia.

And I could have worn that and looked cool. A Philadelphia sandwich t-shirt. It's a sandwich I had in Philadelphia. And he bought the t-shirt. And I liked the sandwich so much that I bought the t-shirt. What kind of sandwich was it? It was a thinly sliced pork sandwich with a bit of cheese, broccoli, Rob, and then all dipped in the pork jus.

That sounds delicious. It's great. It's from Redding Terminal markets. Oh, Redding Terminal is great. Yeah. I had seen that sandwich on Man vs Food 10 years previously. I'd fought about it for 10 years. I went there on my first day in Philadelphia,

bought that sandwich. It was every bit as good as I'd imagined it would be. And then I got it again and bought a t-shirt. And now that t-shirt stinks. That t-shirt stinks. Like nobody's business. And here's the thing, Paul. Right now, so much, so many.

Something turned. Yeah, sorry. Put a little bit of sauce on that man. It happened. It's the wrong word. I chose to do that on you. But look, here's the problem we've got. Like now back at our Airbnb is there's like,

there's a washing machine. Sure. There's two washing machines. And me and Ed went to wash our clothes. That was great. And when we went to wash our clothes, Ed put his clothes in the washing machine. And it was fine.

And my one, there was a guy fixing it. And he looked at me and went, that's good to go now. That's okay. Wrong. Not fine. It did everything up until the spin cycle and then just stopped.

And then I tried and it, don't do it again. And it just made them even wetter. And then I put them just straight in the dryer, completely drenched. And that didn't work. And it actually just stopped the dryer from working because it's too wet. And now I've had to put them back in the washing machine

but the one that Ed used. And it's really all I can think about right now is that they're still there. And we leave really soon back to England. Do you leave tonight? No, we leave on Thursday, but his clothes are really wet. They're really wet.

And I'm really worried I just have to leave them all here. I mean, the worst case scenario, I guess, is you hang them up. Yeah. You know, it's really wet. Yeah, but you know, it's warm here and we do have a balcony. They're drenched. No, I know.

But Thursday's two days from now. Yeah. Paul, I'm not joking. He came back from the washing machine and he went, I think I'm going to have to leave my clothes here. Yeah. I'm going to leave them here. Because they're too wet.

So you don't think even like in a plastic bag they could survive the journey back to England? Yeah, but they're just stink of stale water. By the time I get back, I don't want to wear them. Here's the thing. That spin cycle is crucial. Yeah. It really is.

And we take it for granted. Yeah, we do. Yeah, we do. So now I'm worried about that. But uh... Do you want to read Paul's order back? Huh? Do you want to read Paul's order back?

I'm just trying to open up and connect a little bit at the end. No, we did it. Still water, you would like. That just reminds me of my clothes now. Oh, no. I don't know why I'm reading that. They are still and forever will be water. I'd like a tour of a glass of standing water, please.

Just finally understand why I was so negative when you said water at the beginning. You would like hot, fresh sourdough or... And a dark peasant tree bread. I wouldn't mind a choice, sure. Yeah, yeah. Cream of celery soup. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want your sister's recommended cream of celery soup? That's right. Menu. Lily Langtreeze. That was the name of the restaurant. Yay. Lily Langtreeze.

Yes, that's where the soup came from. Lily Langtreeze. Lily Langtreeze. Yes. Cream of celery soup. Yes. Sounds made up. Does everything have to be alliterated at Lily Langtreeze?

Yeah. Yeah. Excellent. Rigatoni Arabietta with beef ragu, sauce and spice. It's what's written there. That's all sauce and spice. Sauce and spice. Sauce and spice.

I'd like sauce and spice, please. Side of roasted brussel sprouts from your friend's dinner party. A pint of cold amstel from a London pub. And dessert, New York cheesecake flavored cheesecake. That is a lovely menu. It sounds like a lot. Yeah, I feel like. It's a lot.

I mean, you're ending it with cheesecake is a big play. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to work up your energy. You're back down that mine in a matter of hours. That's very true. Yeah, in your four hours. I need to sustain myself.

Yes, you need to, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much. I've got to find that canary. You've got to be chasing that canary around those dark and twisted treacherous tunnels. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Paul. Paul?

All right. Paul F. Tompkins there. Wow. Wow. What an episode. What an ep. What a meal. And thank you, Paul, for not saying the secret ingredient.

Alamone. Alamone. Abalone. But it's known as many different things. It's quite a simple fish, but it has many different names. Abalone, it's sort of the main name. It's known as baboonie, alamone. Any other guesses, James?

Oh, no. I'm trying to remember what the actual name is, but I genuinely still can't remember it. I literally just said it. You just said it. I know. Try it again. Abalone.

Yes. Yes. Well done. Well, Paul didn't say it. James can't say it. Thank you very much for coming in, Paul. Like we say, Paul has a brand new podcast, which is called Neighborhood Listen.

Yes. Called Neighborhood Listen with Nicole Parker. So go and check that out. But he has such a rich and varied podcast career. I would highly recommend comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang is on that a lot. The Pod F Tomcast is very, very good. Also, I would highly recommend going back and listening

to one of his stand-up comedy albums, all of them. But my favorite is called Laboring Under Delusions. I've heard that so many times. It's absolutely brilliant. So go and check that out. Ask stuff. Go on the Twitter and the Instagram at OffMenuOfficial and the website, offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Go on to the iTunes store. Rate it five stars. Leave it a little review. Just subscribe. Do all of that nonsense. We're going to go and get us to leave. Hello, it's me, Amy Glentill. You might remember me from the best ever episode

of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato. And our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed.

But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glentill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian?

It's already out now, Amy. Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.