Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 86: Russell Howard (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 16, 2020

Happy Festivus! The nation’s sweetheart Russell Howard joins us in the merry dream restaurant for an Off Menu Christmas Special.The Russell Howard Hour Christmas Special is on Thu 17 Dec at 10pmFollow Russell Howard on Twitter and Instagram: @russellhowardRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Let me reach into my big Christmas sack and see what's nestled within. Oh, it's the Off Menu podcast. Here we are. It's Christmas. Let's have a big snog under the digital mistletoe. My name's Ed Gamble. Merry Christmas. Little Christmas boy. James A. Casado here with a mouthful of holly. As per that's James's Christmas tradition. Yep. Munch, munch, munch. A mouthful of holly and feeling very jolly. Merry Christmas. We'll remember that Christmas phrase, don't we? Yeah. Mouthful of holly. Don't forget

your brolly. Yes, that's important as well. Yes. Ah, Ed. I feel so festive, so full of Christmas cheer. I can't wait to welcome another guest into the Christmas Dream Restaurant. Yes, indeed. It's a Christmas special of the Off Menu podcast, but don't worry. The format largely remains the same. We will still be asking our special guest the following, James. Their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink, plus Christmas bonus round. That could be their favourite Christmas dish, or maybe they just want to tell us what kind of food they have all day long at Christmas. It's up to them. Indeed. It's a fairly loose Christmas round, and

I'm very happy to say, James, that our special Christmas guest this week is Russell Howard. You all know Russell Howard, brilliant comedian. He's got loads of great shows on TV. He's look, he's massive. He's Russell Howard. You know him. He's the nation's sweetheart. The nation's sweetheart, although Nish Kumar would challenge that. I think Nish claims to be the nation's sweetheart and the nation's cutie pie. Yes, but let's face it, if you're claiming that and forcefully saying that you're those things, that doesn't sound like the behaviour of a sweetheart. But very excited to have Russell in the restaurant. What's he going to pick? We don't know, but we hope he doesn't pick our secret ingredient, which

we have decided on, because if he picks the secret ingredient that we hate, we are kicking him out the restaurant. And the secret ingredient this week is candy canes. Candy canes. He made it Christmasy. It's a Christmas secret ingredient. I personally, James, hate things like candy canes, sticks of rock, anything hard and sugary. If you've got to suck it, you've got to suck it and then it's just like sugar or you crunch it and then it messes up your teeth and it goes sharp. I hate it. When I was a kid, it's all I ever dreamt of, of course. That won't surprise anyone. I wanted candy canes. I wanted sticks of rock. I remember going on holiday once to the Lake District of my family and there was a rock shop and

we went in there and it was just wall to wall, just full of just different types of rock, but also like lollipop rocks and everything. And I was obsessed with that shop and it's all I could ever think about and I went to go there every day. Now, it makes my teeth hurt just to look at those things, just to look at them. I'm like, oh no. You know when you suck a stick of rock and it gets down to that kind of like, slightly like porous, like white kind of, not even crumbly, like just like rigid, horrible kind of like stick. That's what I imagine it does to my teeth. When I look at it, I'm like, that's what my teeth feel like now is that just, Diane Morgan told us teeth were porous and now I believe

her. I don't think I've ever got to that point with a stick of rock. I don't think I've ever sucked one to the middle and feel free to no context off menu that. Yeah, yeah, sure. I definitely have sucked on many a stick of rock at the time. I remember being in primary school and in Mrs. Weaver's class and she was like, we're going to talk about things that are high in sugar in this lesson. She went, what's number one? Does anyone know what number one is? And number one in that lesson was a stick of rock. Yeah, of course it was. She was like, she put rock up there and candy floss. Yeah, anything like that. I'm not having that. Toffee apples can sod off as well. Anyway, if I like apples, sure.

Why are you putting them in prison? I like toffee. Yeah, it's not toffee though. It's sugar. Like I like toffee. I like chewy toffee with dairy in it, but not just sugar around a red sugar, around an apple. Here's what I'd like. Proper, legit toffee that covers an apple that is actually not an apple, but made of like a dessert of some sort, but apple flavored. I once, in Sydney once said, there was this place that did a great gelato and stuff. And they did this thing that looked like a toffee apple, but it was just gelato and sorbet and apple flavored sorbet covered in this gelato. And ah, it was so good. You know, I've never, I've never been to Australia and it comes up so often as an amazing place

to eat. Sydney and Melbourne in particular. They're very, very good. They're great. We've got to get them over there, everybody. Everyone come together. We're going to send them to Australia. That's the new off menu. Yeah. Mission crowd for them. What have yous got to sort the crowd? All of you chip in and we're going to send Ed to Oz. There's a lot of problems in the world, but I think the main food based issue that we need to solve is getting me to Australia. G'day Gamble. We've got to have, we've got to make it happen. Rashford, are you listening? Sort it out. I've got to go to Oz. I can't wait for Rashford to help you out. I've just remembered we've got an episode. Oh yeah. Sorry. So hopefully

Russell Howard does not say candy canes and hopefully picks some delicious stuff instead. So without further ado, this is the off menu menu of Russell Howard. Happy Christmas. Welcome Russell Howard to the dream restaurant. Hello. Welcome Russell Howard to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Yeah, it's very nice in here, isn't it? What lovely outfits you're both wearing. What can you see? What have we got on? Because bear in mind this is the dream restaurant. This is all from your mind. You're both wearing the exact outfit that Eddie Murphy wore for Delirious. Yes, we are. It's quite cramped in here. It's hot in here, isn't it? Hot in here. You're both sweating profusely. Do

you mean we're in one outfit together in one big Delirious outfit? I see. Yeah. No, it's awful in here. James is in the left leg. You're in the right. I'm confused. I didn't ask for this. It feels like this has been a communication problem, but you're both led it up. Have I come at the right time? Am I actually at the restaurant? Look Russell, like I say, this is not something we've chosen. This is like when people start complaining about, oh, there's ads for sex workers on my browser because of what you've been googling. That is true. Yeah. Eddie Murphy's suit. It seems lovely in there though. Very pleasant. Do I eat on my own or can I have people come along with me? Have people? Yeah, there's no regulations.

There's no COVID-based regulations. We're not in any tier in the dream restaurant. So who do you want at the dream meal with you? I know who you'll have. Okay, go on. I know who you're going to choose. Who's that? Well, actually, I'm not sure who she is, but I'm okay. Settle an argument between me and Ed. Those travel shows you do, is that your wife or just your friend? Oh, really, really. You absolute skunk. Well, Mr. Acaster, well, you know, that is my mother. Oh, sorry. Benito wins. I've only ever left her vagina. That happened a lot when we traveled around America because my mum's quite young looking. It had a sort of a feel of sort of like second marriage rich widow. And she's sort of like bought

this little urchin along. And my mum, this is the most bizarre thing about it. I really enjoyed that. Do you know what I mean? So sometimes we'd be in a hotel and they think we're a couple. And my mum would really sort of, oh, they think that we're married. We would really be delighted by that fact that she felt young, whereas I was horrified. We were on holiday once and she was trying to put sun lotion on my back because it was very hot. And I got really panicky in case we got papped. It was just before I was sort of recognizably famous and it was like, who's Howard's old wife? But it is my mum. Would you guys ever travel the world with your mothers? Yeah, I'd do that. I mean, if I was being paid for

it for a TV show, probably, yeah. Well, the reason I did it, because they asked me to do a travel show. So who would you like to go with? And a week before, my mum had genuinely said, my only real ambition in life is to go to an old folks home where they don't hit you. So I thought because it was so bleak, I thought the least I can do is give her memories to enjoy in between the beatings. So she's going to have this, I remember in that hotel, whack. Is that going to be, is that going to be the next series of the travel show where you travel around taking her to various old people's homes to see which one she prefers? Yeah, exactly. And she's sort of, yeah. And she has to sort of get in a box and ring

with them and see if she can take it. He's got a good job, but no hook. I'll be fine there. Would you like your mum at your dream meal then? I would like my mum to be there to help cook some of it, because she's just got, you know, the power that all mums have just to cook magical food. Yeah, I would definitely I would have I would have her cook the starter and then sit down to enjoy it. And then I'd ask her to leave. Do you have any other guests for the whole meal, perhaps? Or are there just people sort of drifting in and leaving throughout the evening? I think I'd have my wife. Yeah, I definitely have my wife there. And that's not your mum, right? It's not my mum. No,

but I'm weird. She is older than your mum. She is not. She's younger than me. And not as old as my mum. It sounds like a weird riddle. But you've got to get the restaurant just right. And I remember I was in a restaurant in Dubai once. It was a fish restaurant. And as you could see, you were sort of inside this aquarium. And it was awful, because you were sort of eating fish. And it felt like they were kind of kind of looking at you, go granddad. Was it one of the ones where you could pick which one you wanted to eat? No, no, no, no, it was just you were in this sort of aquarium. And it was like a fish restaurant. But yeah, it wasn't that. Oh, God. Yeah, they used to have those in like

80s films, didn't they? We'd sort of walk in and you'd say I love that lobster. God, no way. Yeah, I'm not very squeamish about food at all. But I think that is that's a step too far for me. I think that's just the sort of gleeful thing of going like, I'm going to kill that one. I think it's too far. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which one's the biggest? It would just be like all the, you know, the shiniest burger and lobster. If you've ever been a burger and lobster, I have all the lobsters in the tanks. But I look at if you're called burger and lobster, I used to do two things. Having the lobster in the tanks isn't a thing. And I want the cows in there as well. Completely. Yeah. Yeah. You're not

just lobster and lobster, baby. I want to see the cows or to see the cows in the cages and I can choose one of them. He says that every time he goes in, they say, have you been to here before? He goes, yeah, you can't be lobster and lobster, baby. I want the cows in the cages. Yeah. I want to see the cow in the cage. I'll choose the cow and the cow can choose the lobster. How's that? And then they're like, would you like a window seat or an aisle? Yeah. This guy's fussy, but I like him. You really got into bibby. Is that how you'll phrase it, bibby? Yeah. I've been saying it for a while now, I guess. I really, I mean, I didn't even know I was going to say it that time. It just happened. It

took hold. It took hold. It's like, yo, I really felt like I needed to make the point about the lobster and lobster. And if I just said it, if I just said to you, imagine it, if I've just gone, it's not lobster and lobster, you'd have gone, okay. Yeah. There's a different energy there. Yeah. You wouldn't have been like, great point. But as it was, and I'll shout it, baby, you were like, I agree. It's to rescue, it's basically to rescue the joke. If he was doing new material, he'd add every joke with baby. Yep. I'd hit my leg with a microphone or whatever people do. I tell you what's very good for that. Smoking an imaginary pipe. That really aches a couple of seconds out from what I thought I'd do.

Do you ever elongate the baby when you know the joke's really good? Bebe. You do do that. Bebe. And it works. It works. Why would you stop doing it? Still a sparkling water, Russell? Sparkling, please. I like it when my belly's fizzy. Bebe. It does work, mate. Yeah. It's a pretty good line as it was. When you say you like it when your belly's fizzy. It fills you up, yeah. With you, though, specifically, that reminds me of a piece of material, a very old classic Russell Howard piece of material, where you talk about wanting to have a superpower, where you touch people and it makes them orgasm, and then the follow-up to that is you doing an impression of someone orgasming and you

say, you made my belly fizzy. That's right. So, wow. What I'm saying is, do you associate drinking sparkling water with coming? Well, you've done your analysis. And I mean, it's difficult to walk away from that accusation without the listener thinking, that's definitely what he thinks. No, I just like that it refreshes me and it fills me up. And it's the closest that we've got, you know, it's certainly in water form to Frobscottle, which is the drink I think we'd all like to try. Do you know what I mean? What book is that from? That's from the BFG. Yes. It's Frobscottle. Make sure you do Whiz Pops, which are kind of like magical farts that make you whiz all around the room. I could not believe it when

my dad read me that story for the first time and it got to that bit. I couldn't believe that it was actually in the book and that my dad was reading it out loud. I lost my mind. Of course. And now, how old are you, James? 35. Exactly. I'm 40. Ed, what we're doing with 70? 34. And if I were to, you know, offer you Frobscottle now, you'd definitely take it in the same way that when you first read that when you were eight, your mind was blown. It's so simple, but who wouldn't? Imagine that eight years old going, yeah, this is giant. He drinks a fizzy drink that makes him fart in the air and it makes him happy and it's allowed. And he's doing that with an orphan he's taken. Yes, dad. But he's looking

after that orphan. What, making her fart in the sky? Yes, he is. Now, sleep well. You sleep well. So when you're drinking sparkling water, do you imagine that it's Frobscottle? Is that the right word? I don't know. I was simply trying to be entertaining. No, I just glug it down. I just, I really like, I've got a bit of a problem with fizzy drinks. John Robbins always takes the piss on me for this because I drink a ridiculous amount of like Diet Coke and John was run my house ages ago, but you know, my mum's house, not my wife, my mum. And I had a sip

of Coke and my mum said to me, I was probably at 30 in the tank. I thought you was off fizzy and John often reminds me of that. I just, I don't know, there's something about fizzy drinks that I can't get enough of them. It has to be fizzy. We've got this kind of this little machine that my wife bought that carbonates the water. Incredible. Within seconds. Wow. Are we, are we talking soda stream? It's not a soda stream. It's like this other, but it's like that. Yeah. But it's still. James has got a soda stream, but he can't work out how to work it and he gets covered in water every single time.

Yes. Or it's impossible. I imagine your kitchen is full of gizmos and stuff like that. James. Me? Yeah. I imagine it's a fucking wild place with you in a sort of a lab coat trying to make breakfast for yourself. Thank you. Well, Joe, it wasn't, but lately people have been gifted me such things. Recently, some friends bought me an ice cream maker. I've not used it yet. Don't dare, because I love ice cream. I've got a big sweet tooth, really addicted to ice cream.

I think the last thing that needs to happen in my life is that I learn how to make it myself at home. I'm quite worried about if I learn how to make it and I get good at it, because then I might not do anything else and I definitely won't freeze it. I'll be making it in the ice cream maker and then just eating it out of there. You're going to turn into a sort of Walter White figure. Yes. You're going to start making like blue ice cream. But it is interesting that, isn't it? Like, I really like sushi and very often you'll get

like, oh, this is sushi maker and why don't you make sushi at home? You're like, no. I won't do it as well as I can get at a restaurant and then that's all I can eat. Yeah. I'll start making all sorts and putting loads of cookies and pretzels and everything in it and I'll just be dead. I'll be dead, Ed. You know I'll be dead. Yeah. But what a way to go. Yeah, it would be quite a nice way to go actually. That is how you're going to die anyway. You may as well speed it up. Yeah.

From ice cream gluttony. Yes. Fast forward to the end of the book. Why not? The final words. Yeah, I'll just have one and then go. Yeah, exactly. Poppadoms or bread? Poppadoms without a doubt. I think that might be the quickest response we've ever had to that.

It's so sure about poppadoms. Not even up for debate. One of the greatest things. Poppadom with the chutneys. Yes, absolutely. I was once on Jonathan Ross's TV show and Jonathan and Gordon Ramsay were seeing how many poppadoms they could smash with their hands. And Dave Grohl from the Food Fighters lent over to me in the green room and went, what time does this show go out?

Half past 10. And he said, you'd have to be pretty tired to watch this. Yeah, poppadoms without a doubt. Just exquisite things. I won't even have them as a starter. I'll keep them going throughout the curry. Do you know what I mean? I'll bring them back or dunk them into the curry. Yeah.

Why waste them just by having them at the beginning? Bring more. Bring more. I once, when I worked at Tesco as a trolleyboy when I was 18 to 21 and once I forgot my money and I had no money and I was so hungry that I, and it was almost like I manifested them because there were some poppadoms in a trolley that somebody had left. And I stole those poppadoms and I ate them. But it turned out they were the ones that you had to cook and it was not a substantial meal.

Did you eat them raw? I ate one of them raw and went, this is no good. But I was, you know, in your like skin, so hungry, pushing trolleys around. And the great thing about being a trolleyboy is you can sort of eat poppadoms in a car park. No one really looks at you and says, that's what they do. Yes. Just assume that's how Tesco feed their trolleyboys raw poppadoms. They wouldn't even let me in the store.

It was a river of shit. My brother got a job inside and they took one look at me and went, get in the car park. You're an outdoors employee. Awful, yeah. What dips you have in with the poppadoms? And also, is there any particular place you want them to come from? Is there a curry house you've been to? They've got the best ones.

So good question. There used to be a great place called Panshee in Made of Ale that's now closed. They used to do amazing poppadoms. So from there, please. And I would have the mango one, the lime pickle one, no time for the yogurt, waste of time. And what's the really crazy orange one? The sort of zingy. Yeah, a spicy one.

Yes, I'll have one of those. A spicy, a lime pickle and a mango. What's your problem with yogurt? It's got no time for it. That's what I mean. I fucking hated that show Richard Herring did. I don't know. I just like I've got no time for like having like a lassie with the curry.

I don't feel like that. I'm not just not a fan of yogurt. I just like it. It makes me feel like a DJ of spice because I'm just mixing a little bit. I can cut, I can cut some mouthfuls. I can not have yogurt with some of it. It just makes me feel like I'm having lots of different meals in one. Well, see, that's an interesting approach.

So you like the power that you have to keep your belly guessing. Yes, I like to keep my belly guessing. Whereas I, I like to treat my belly with respect and let the belly know it'll be lime or mango. When it has that first bite, the belly's like, we're safe. It's cool. It's going to be a big Friday. We all know what's happening. But I also respect, I respect how you run your kingdom.

You would say that you're, I think you're in charge of your belly. Whereas my belly's in charge of me. Oh, definitely. I don't think I have something to debate here. No, absolutely. We know that anyway. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes when things get a bit too spicy and I overdo the hot one,

I might add a little dab of yogurt onto the next bit with something else, not on its own. I'll never have a pop it on with just the yogurt on it. No, I agree with that. But yes, yes. A few little flecks of it, a little sprinkle. I quite like a bit of the onion from time to time, you know, but I wouldn't request that if it was there, I'd have it.

But you're right. You would never have just yogurt on a pop it up. That's a red flag on a date, I'd say. If the person you're having a date with, immediately put just yogurt on a pop it up and ate it. But no, absolutely not. Do you want some real red flag? You've just reminded me.

My friend, Steve Hall, the brilliant comedian. He is a red flag. Yes. Well, listen to this for a red flag. So it turns out Steve will go to Michelin restaurants on his own. And he will have the, you know, the 12 course meal during the day, because very often there's lots of spaces. So you can go to these amazing restaurants

and he'll sit there and eat them on his own. And he said he was looked at the other day by waiters, because he thought, and I think he might have been right, that the waiters were looking at him thinking, this man's about to kill lots of people. And he's having one last meal before he commits his atrocity. That really, do you know what I mean? Something about eating a Michelin-style restaurant on your own

at one in the afternoon. As someone who has done that. On your own. I've done like massive tasting meals on my own, yeah. But normally if I'm away working or I'm by myself in a city and I've got an evening off, I've done that in New York before a couple of times, yeah. I love it.

But that's different, I think. There's something about, you're a tourist, something about, and the horrible thing is, I've become that dick that we've all met. Where you go, you go to the cinema on your own. I've become that guy. I'm so sorry, Ed. I take it all back.

Your starter, Russell. Your dream starter, that you're tinted, maybe your mother would be cooking this. Well, there's two options. So my mum does a very nice like goat's cheese that's melted with kind of red onion marmalade and parma ham, which is exquisite. Whenever she's kind of cooked like a flash meal

for us at home, she's cooked that. And remember the first time we had it, we're probably about like 15. And I was like, just remember thinking, what is going on in goats' guts that they're able to produce this. I'm not really a cheese fan, but goat's cheese, Jesus Christ. Squizz it.

I think you get to bad rep goat's cheese as well. Does it get a bad rep? I think it does. I don't know whether it was on menus too much, like five, 10 years ago. And now people have decided it's like ubiquitous, or quite often it's like the vegetarians hate it now because it's always the vegetarian option.

Yes. Like it'll either be goat's cheese or a portobello mushroom. So they're like goat's cheese again. But it is. It's uniquely delicious. I agree. But my favourite, since we're asking, is without doubt dark pancakes, crispy dark pancakes.

The reason being, it doesn't matter whether you're in a really nice restaurant or an absolute shithole. It's always delicious. Yeah. You just incinerate the duck. You get those pancakes, put plum sauce on, spring onion cucumber.

Every time it's fantastic, never let you down. The consistency of that pancake is frightening. Frightening. That's true, because it's so difficult to fuck up. Yeah, exactly. Because you simply... Chop, chop, chop. It's ASMR now.

But never let you down. If you ever, occasionally, you might get a bone in there and nearly lose a tooth. Worth it. That's the only dilemma. But by and large, has it ever let you down? If you're into that, it'll never, ever, ever, ever let you down. And that's what I respect.

And the combination is just like ducks and plum sauce. It just works. It's just one of those things where you've just got that perfect combo. Four of those onto the main. Tell me, Russell, this could be controversial. How are you building your duck pancakes? What's going on first?

Well, okay. So I get one of those sort of like creppy pancakes and I get the shredded duck. I put the duck on. Like you might if you were rolling a joint and I kind of just thin it out. Thin out that sort of duck weed. And I then put a little very...

Let's say four, no, three cucumber slices. You know, a smattering of the spring onion. Then the plum sauce just like poured from the little plastic pot. And I roll it up and then crack it in. And I reckon two bites and she's down. Wow. Well, I've got to tell you, when I'm making my big duck bifters,

I get the pancake. I'll then get the hoisin sauce and put that on the pancake first, spread it across the pancake. So I've got a good covering. I'll use that as the base. I'll then put the duck on and then go for my cucumber batons

and my spring onion hair. And then I'll roll it up, smash it down. Three bites. All three, three. Hammers, what are you dealing with? Okay. Can I call you hammers? Yeah, absolutely.

I would personally, I'd insist on it from now on. Yes, that's what I'd like to be called. I start with a picture, if you will, an empty table. First of all, a dollar put the sauce on its own directly onto the table. Then I'm sticking the cucumber into the sauce at different angles

and I'm trying to make a, I'm trying to kind of make a star shape out of it. Then I get the spring onion and I'm grinding that into a paste in my hands and letting it fall naturally on top of all of that. Then the pancake, then I kind of like pick up, so I use the pancake at that point, kind of like a pooper scooper bag.

So I pick up all that mess that's on the table. I pick that up with the pancake like that. And then in my other hand, I've got all the shredded duck and then I put both in my mouth at once in different angles and then mix the rest in my mouth. Do you know what I've got to say instantly to that?

Fetch a bucket and a mop, that's a wet ass pancake. When you started scrunching it around, I was imagining you in the back of Megan B Stallion's video. Which I think, if somebody can do that, if someone's got the technical wizardry to have various people grinding and dancing

in the back of WAP and then James is in the corner making a pancake, someone make that happen. Come on internet, make that happen. Someone will be able to do something for that. I think we should start a Chinese restaurant and first thing on the menu is WAP's Wet Ass Pancake. Yeah, exactly.

And then James comes out and serves it like that. Just pour sauce all over the table. Exactly. I like that. It's nice when there's a bit of kind of magic going down. I like this place. What are we going to call it? We should call it WAP, right?

Yeah, WAP, I think. Because it's famous for the Wet Ass Pancake. Yeah, Wet Ass Pancakes. I'm really enjoying this, fellas. There's something about lockdown, particularly, just like whenever would you get a situation where you could just talk to two people about food and it's allowed?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And I don't think we've ever really spoken. I don't think I've ever really spoken to you, James. Not really. Even when I've done your TV shows, I don't think I've spoken to you otherwise. Yeah, to be fair.

It's because... You've got a lot on your plate. Yeah, I hope I don't have that reputation as being rude. It's because I'm cracking. But do you know what I mean? I often think about that when I go, fuck, I don't really speak to people because I'm kind of doing the job.

Yeah, here's a question for you. Me and Ed, we both did Russell Howell's Good News and I believe we both did Stand Up Central. Who out of each of us did better on it and was the better? Well, it's slightly different because I really, really ruined Ed's appearance the first time he went on. Do you remember how you sabotaged me

on my performance on Russell Howell's Good News? Russell? I don't think I sabotaged you. I think you just... Did you material? I think I just introduced you. You just came out and you smoked it. I think you both did great.

I mean, look, look. Oh. You did a lovely job. I got sabotaged all right. Really? What did I do? Well, you didn't do anything, actually. But, you know, on Russell Howell's Good News, when the Stand Up comes on

and there's their name a million times behind them, yes, my surname was Seltron. So it's spelled A-Cast-O-R-O-R. Which has led to something very interesting. It was my first TV appearance as well, so no one knew who I was. So that became a thing on Twitter of like, who's this A-Cast-O-R guy and all this.

And then someone who will remain nameless, but is a dickhead, started up a Twitter account called James A-Cast-O-R that they ran for many years and still occasionally pipes up now and is a version of me who kind of can't spell and has a career that kind of mirrors mine. But, you know, it's going very badly

and he's having a nightmare. He has a wooden hand, I believe. Wow. What are the other qualities of A-Cast-O-R-O-R? You should know. Why? Oh, I don't know. Why would you know every single detail about him,

including his Twitter password? He's just dumb. He's just a dumb guy. But since James left Twitter, James A-Cast-O-R is the only thing approaching James on Twitter. So loads of followers now. It's great. Your main course.

We should get onto your main course. My main course is very specific. It is a dish called a chicken long, which is a curry from a restaurant in Sydney called Longrain, which is one of the most phenomenal things I've ever eaten. Absolutely delicious. And I went there with my tour manager,

Kumar Kamalagaran. And we both, they didn't have much room in the restaurant, so we had to sit side by side like newsreaders. And we kind of looked out at this restaurant, eating this dish. And then two girls were sat at the bar and they started kissing each other. And my tour manager went,

and that noise is what made it the finest well I've ever had, just him. It was such a small, it was like an inclining goat. Oh man, it was, yeah, it was the combination of that and his giddy excitement as soon as two girls kissing. So in the dream restaurant, would you like all that to happen again? Oh definitely, without that.

I don't know the ethics on the dream restaurant of bringing in two girls to kiss in front of you. No, no, no, no, no, no. They wanted to kiss, they were not there. Don't you try and twist that? No, it's just, if we're going to recreate it, are we, are we bringing them in and they're having a nice evening as well?

Yeah, listen, they're invited, if they want a kiss, Fine. We're not going to, I don't want anyone to the side of them poking them with sticks or sort of showing them like photos of women kissing to try and, you know, like they do with pandas. I don't want any of that. I think if we are bringing them in to have their own dream meal, I think we're going to have to say, by the way, if you do choose to kiss that man over there is going to make a noise. Yeah, yeah, a small noise. A small noise, but a noise nonetheless. We just thought we should warn you about that in advance. Sure.

I imagine it like a Groundhog Day situation where we just like recreate, we just bring you back to that moment in the dream restaurant and everyone would just behave the same way that they did on that day. They feel the same. And so if the same things are always going to happen, it's everyone's doing it just out of choice. Yeah. And you just happen to be in there and you're the only one who knows this has all happened before. Yeah. Great idea. Love it.

Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. How spicy is this curry? It's always through the consistency, the spice level. The main thing about it, it feels like it has like a thousand different textures. It's like a Thai curry and it's not especially spicy, but it's ever, it feels like, you know, in Thai food, it's like there's so many little ingredients that just it's like this orchestra of flavor and it's all kind of swirling over. And it's just, it's, it's quite a small dish as well.

But like, it's so wide ranging in its favor. I've just never tasted anything like it. And here's what's super exciting. I did Jamie Oliver's show in South End a few years ago and they were like, oh, what should dream meal? And I was like, I really like this chicken long from long break. But whenever I've been back there, they've never had it because they retired the dish, you know, where, where a food is so good. A bit like a football player that they go up. We're getting rid of the, the number seven.

There's no point having that because that's what's Pelé war. So they got rid of the chicken long. Jamie Oliver got in touch with the chef this kind of, he was now sort of retired and he sent Jamie the recipe and Jamie Oliver cooked it for me. Incredible. You know, one of those moments where you're like, the world is ridiculous. How lucky am I? Yeah, that's one of those things where you're like, oh yeah, this was all worth it. I don't know what my goal was in my career, but it turns out it was this.

And you, and you sort of really wish that because they surprised me with it. I really wish that, that I would, I'd been a bit more eloquent, but I think I just repeatedly kept saying, fucking hell. It was really bad. It's a really awful TV that Jamie was like, what do you think of that? Fucking hell. Fucking like it was, I was so giddy. Oh man. It's those sorts of dishes.

Those like mystical dishes. I went to this pop up once. It was a burger pop up, but it was at this restaurant called roti chai in London. Which is like a sort of Indian street foodie type restaurant. Yeah. And just for this one night, they did this burger club thing where they did this incredible burger that had loads of like curry spices in it. Oh yeah. And it was just that right level of spice where you sort of feel high and the top of my head started tingling and I started drooling a little bit.

It's one of the most amazing things I've ever tasted. And I said to the owner as I left, it was like, you must, you got to put this on the menu. You've got to like do this morning. It was like, no, we're never doing it again. And they've never done it again. And I think about it about three times a week. What's that? What's that dumpling place we went to Ed in?

Well, you took me to Incarnaby Street off of Carnaby Street. Ugly dumplings. Ugly dumpling. And they did that lamb one, like a lamb cofter dumpling. The first time I went there, it was on the specials and I had it and it was amazing. And I asked him if it was going to be like, and it never was again. And I don't know. I actually get annoyed with that kind of stuff.

Okay. I don't think of it as romantic and great. I'm like, no, you've got to keep doing that. It was delicious. I'd like to eat it again, please. Yeah. But what if there was this moment in time and it was perfect and it just belongs there? Do you know what I mean?

No? Well, if time travel existed, then I'd agree with them. So I'd be like, yeah, I'll go back and... I know I'm bringing up Groundhog Day a lot now. But like, that'd be my Groundhog Day that I'd choose. Really? Out of everything in your life, it would be the day that we went to Ugly Dumplings and you had the lamb dumpling.

Yes. Because every day, I could go to any restaurant I wanted, but I'd always know if I want to, I could go to Ugly Dumplings and they'll have that special. Got to respect that. I think I'd probably go back to 1988, the first time I went on a water flume. Oh, yeah. That's good. Yeah, fun.

You don't forget that. And still enjoyable as an older man now, seeing people go down water flumes. For the first time. Me and John Richardson had a really good hour in Falloracky once watching people go down flumes. It's like watching haunted babies, man. Did you yourself go on the flumes or were you just watching? Oh, yeah.

I go on them. John refused to go on the flumes. Yes. I was going to say, I can't imagine John Richardson going on a flume. Well, this is the interesting thing. He didn't go on any of them and then he went right. I'll go on that one. He went on the biggest and that was it.

He just went, I'll do that and then I'm done. He's a very efficient man. He was like, I'll just go on the biggest one, get it all out the way. Because he used to be a chef, was a chef when he started doing stand-up and I lived with him for a bit. He would regularly cook us food and it was just amazing. But he gets very agitated if you add to the meal. So he cooked us a steak once and I just had a hand cream for some beans and he went fucking

apeshit. It was extraordinary. I'm on his side. Yeah. I'm on his side. I would be so... If I made someone a steak and then I turned round and they had a bowl of beans ready to go with it, I would be absolutely...

It's beans as well. Beans is the worst thing you could have added to it. But that was it. But exactly that, that real fury. I was like, I should have had some beans. I mean, this is lovely. They're going to be wrong. But beans and beans.

Oh, no. I'm on your side. I love it. That's nice. In fact, now I kind of would like to have a really delicious steak with some spaghetti hoops. I think that would be quite nice. Yeah.

I think that would be quite tasty. Your side dish, Russell Howard. There's a thing that they have in the south of the United States called a biscuit. It's sort of like this kind of scone that's kind of dipped in honey and it is absolutely exquisite. And we were in a place called Savannah and we had those and they were just so... I mean, if you've got a sweet tooth, my Christ. Acaster, you'd be wondering out of that restaurant with like full, like, you know, gerbil mouth.

You've just kind of got them in for later. My God. Just so kind of moorish. That's something they seem to do quite well in the south of America of just like crowbarring in sugar to every single course. It's like the cornbread, honey biscuits, like anything like that. Yeah. Barbecue beans.

Like I really like sort of the sides that you get for like a really good barbecue restaurant. I'm well into them, like collard greens, all that. Yeah. Damn right. Yams with marshmallows on them. Yes. That's crazy. That to me, that's too much for me.

I like the idea of sweet with savory a bit, but putting marshmallow on a yam, what you do, you bake potato with a lump of chocolate in it. It's horrible. But it works. It's like whoever the genius one day that kind of went, I'm going to put some syrup with these pancakes and some bacon and blow me down if it doesn't work. I'm sort of not on board with that either, to be honest. Really?

Yeah. That's absolutely hogwash. What drives you against it? Again, it's just the different flavors there. I like pancakes and syrup. I like bacon and eggs. Sue me. I want to separate these things.

You're the one who has beans with steak. Of course you're fucking with the format. True. I like them, but I don't eat them because I'm so into sugar and sweet stuff that I really have to just like have a designated time when I can have that stuff, which is dessert or like maybe in the drink category. Wow. I have to really steer clear of stuff like the biscuit that you do.

I've been in so many places in America where they've got those biscuits and I've never ordered them because I'm like, I must never have that because then my whole meal will become the biscuits. Are you sort of like a Ben Stiller in dodgeball figure? But you're not because you don't put on weight. This is it. This is what I'm intrigued by. Do you have a high metabolism?

Are you a sniffer? That's what it is. I have a high metabolism. Also, I just think I just constantly feel guilty about everything. So every time I do have anything sweet, I think I just sweat it out in guilt and shame because I feel like I shouldn't have eaten it. Wow. I think that's worth also exercise.

Sure. What are we dealing with? What are you venturing? Here's what I did. Right at the beginning of lockdown, I went too hard on all the kind of prison workouts and all the high intensity workouts in my living room, messed my knees up pretty early doors. Oh, no.

And now I'm just doing yoga, which I'm not even sure if I'm doing it right, and hula-hooping, which I only learned because I had to do it for Taskmaster. And I also have some resistance bands, which I can do whatever I can with those. They look very cool. They look very cool. You just put them around your ankles and you just twist them. My mum keeps a hula hoop underneath her sofa whenever she's watching the news and is depressed. She gets the hula hoop and has a little dance.

That's amazing. Russell, this is the Christmas special. Christmas? Which means we get our special Christmas guests to pick their dream Christmas dish or full Christmas meal. Whatever your perfect food is at Christmas. We want to know it. Well, it starts with a bacon sandwich at the beginning of the day, and then me and my

brother will play a pro evolution soccer. That's the thing we've done on the Xbox for probably the last decade. We once got to the final of the Champions League and my brother missed an open goal against Real Madrid and we lost and it ruined Christmas that year. So have a bacon sandwich. Then we open all the presents, which is very exciting. I love it. And I really like making people cry with presents.

I like to get presents that are so good. They make them weep in this kind of horrible, yes, I am a king way. It's really, really unhealthy. Do you remember a particular occasion when that happened? I made my sister cry as I bought her a car. And it was just so like outrageous. Oh, so you mean you're you're trying to get like Oprah level tears. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what I am. That's exactly it. I am a West Country Oprah. God, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I, oh, I would love to do that. Just give away random shit to people.

Yeah, I would. I would. God, if there was a TV show where I could go in and sort of just burst into someone's house and say, you've got a jet ski and then just wait until they weep. Surely next series of Russell Howard hour, it's a new segment called, you've got a jet ski. Just do that every week. How about this for a TV show?

It's a pitch. It's like that. Yeah. But it's exclusively with pregnant women who are going to have a baby soon and you you rush in and you give them loads of stuff for the baby. Yeah. And it's called Russell showered. Oh, I like that.

And they're already emotional. So these, these women, these women are going to weep. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. There's going to be so many children that are going to be renamed Russell. Yes. That's the aim.

That's the aim of the show. That is a great idea. Presence of tears. Presence of tears. And then we have, my dad is in control of the music for Christmas, which is interesting because my dad's really into cycling. Like really, he gets up at like five in the morning and cycles for two hours. And I remember one Christmas, we were the song that he was obsessed with that year

was I just want to make you sweat. Like that. So we were kind of listening to it's kind of like weird trance or you know, that's burning their lives. You're going to keep spinning like Josh Wink stuff like that. So we kind of like listen to like this really upbeat Euro pop while we eat food and then just sort of rinse my dad. My mum is this broken wreck because two weeks prior to Christmas,

me and my brother start getting in the head and start saying, everyone's coming back. It's the big meal of the year. Can you deliver? Have you got it? And then I'll say to them, I'm not sure she's ready. My brother's like, no, I don't like it was okay last year. She's like, shut up, you two.

And it always works. And so it just kind of. So the first bite. So it was this lovely moment when you bite into the turkey and you're like, and you could see mum's looking at me and my brother will always be mean. He's like, she's had a fucking stinker. And it's always funny. Why would you say that?

It's lovely. It's easy to wind up, but yeah, I actually make the Christmas dinner with my mum sometimes. I really like that. Do you have specific elements of the Christmas dinner that you're the expert at or you just lend a general hand with everything? Yeah, general hand, sous chef. So I kind of, and I like to just, so I like having, you know,

get some, we'll have turkey, but we'll also have some Yorkshire puddings, but we'll also have some sort of steamed spinach. And we'll have like the parsnips with honey on and the carrots and the sprouts and we'll have sweet potatoes, but we'll also have new potatoes. And then we'll have like a fillet steaks that have been chopped up really small. And then so we just have like a real like smorgasbord of stuff and just go absolutely mad.

I remember one year we had Steve Hall and his wife and daughter round mind for Christmas. Did Steve eat his own table by himself? Yeah, no, he, his wife is vegetarian. So me and mum realised this like the day before and I, oh Jesus, we got like a really flash pie. She was like, oh, this is amazing. I can't believe you've cooked this pie.

We both like, yeah. Yeah. So I really liked doing that, getting loads of stuff. And then I remember vividly one meal, which has got it already and mum had worked so hard and there was this incredible meal and all my family were there and, you know, their eyes are all puffy for the presents I've got them. And mum hadn't got her cutlery and she'd left it on the side and she

just went, oh, fuck. And she was so broken by it, but she swore so perfectly that that is now the way that a lot of people in my family will swear. If something goes wrong. Oh, fuck. She really took her time with it. Beautiful. Are you eating much after the big lunch?

Are you eating through to the evening or is that you done for the day? Well, I've got a weird thing. So I do like that fasting where you sort of, so I eat between 12 and 6. It's called warrior. Not on Christmas though, Russell. No, this is it. This is it. But it's called a warrior fast because I've got like psoriasis, which is

horrible. So I've got like psoriasis on my elbows and knees and around my eyes. And apparently one of the ways that you can rid yourself of that is if you fast, then your body's got time to kind of deal with other problems as it were. So I sort of, I normally do that from 12 to 6. And then I have two meals a day. That's it.

Don't eat anything else. And so I don't eat outside of any of those times. And I'm really like crazily like, yep, that's what I do. And then on Christmas day and boxing day and Christmas Eve. It's an absolute shit show. And I eat all the foods. Yeah. And I really go for it.

I've got a weird relationship with food. But yeah, on Christmas day, it's all in. You feel great. It's sort of, you feel less sluggish. And I don't know, I just eat. I was eating too much food at the beginning of when I started doing stand-up and just kind of didn't like being heavy on stage. Does that make sense?

Do you know what I mean? It's sort of weird. I won't eat a big meal before gigs or anything. Yeah. James is really good at it. You go out for nice meals on tour before you go on stage, right? And I just can't, I can't hack it. Like if I go and have like a big, delicious meal,

I'll be terrible at the gig. I mean, I'm terrible at the gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If anybody saw me on my last tour, no. Every time I threw the gig back in your faces, that's because I had a massive stake in the case. But yeah, that's my, I would recommend it. But then on Christmas day, and sometimes on a Sunday,

I'll kind of have a bit of a break. But generally, I've got everyone on my, that I write the show with doing it, and we're in this lovely sort of sink. You feel really great. It sounds weird, but you sort of don't really need to eat as much as we do. I've kind, I've tried something similar before,

but I'm so much better if I'm not hungry at any point during the day. Right. So I have to eat breakfast as soon as I get up, because if I start eating less like during the day, if by the time I get to six o'clock and I'm starving, I'm going to eat a load of shit. Like I'm going to eat terribly.

But presumably that's, is that slight, I don't know, but is that slightly complicated by the diabetes? Does that have a... Yeah, that's the routine I've found that means that I can keep my blood sugars pretty balanced if I exercise and I have sort of smaller meals throughout the day, then that's the best way of doing it, I think, for me.

God, it must be fucking exhausting. It is sometimes. So you're like, here's me, here's me bleeding on about my psoriasis. It's just, it's ir... You know, when you have something like that, you're like, it's, the weird thing about, I can't believe I'm talking about this now,

but the weird thing about psoriasis, it sort of reminds you, because it's, you know, it's nothing, it's like you've got scaly skin on your elbow, you fucking 40 year old man. And you've got, I've got scales around my eyes, but it's, it sort of reminds you, remember when you were like 13 and you got acne, and it's that thing where you think

you're the centre of the universe and everybody is constantly looking at, here comes Russell Howard with his skin, and you realise nobody cares about you, but... I'd imagine that's a very difficult feeling to get rid of when you're doing arena gigs though. True, and now, now I've got these scales and everyone's like, what's that?

A huge screen, just going, oh man, I wish I hadn't eaten at 6.30 last night. But what's really funny about it is my nan had psoriasis, so whenever I have like a flare up, it's disgusting, but I do also, I also am reminded of Planet Earth, so it's this weird thing of like,

you see like a scab on your knee and you're like, I really missed that woman! We come to your dream drink. Dream drink? Oh, um, frog scottle, obviously. With that not available, I really like um, Copperberg, Cider,

Strawberry and Lime, Christ, I love it. Wow. It just, it evokes the summer, I'm kind of, I'm in Bath, I'm with my cousins, we're kind of being stupid and silly, and we're, you know, slushing back,

Cider, I love it. It's one of my favourite things. Something about drinking with my cousins, I absolutely adore. They're the most excitable, funny, idiotic people in the world. I love them. Are they around your age as well,

or these older cousins? Yeah, I've got like 40 cousins, so, Right. Yeah, yeah, so there's, you know, they run the spectrum, but I'm specifically talking about Lee, Lewis, Jake,

and, um, I'm going to put Towner in there, Towner's made the cut. Good job, Towner. Yeah, yeah. Towner listened to this, just not a lot of happiness. He made it, he's in.

Yeah, it's cool. Yeah. But I don't know, it's just, it's sort of that, it just reminds me of summer happiness. Do you know what I mean? There's something about like, just like a fruity cider,

and it just tastes like, you've put Ribena in fizzy water, it's so easy to drink. I bet it gets you off your skull as well, right? Yeah. I mean, those sort of sweet, those sweet ciders just smash me up big time. Yeah, and I never,

because I never really drunk when I was young. I was sort of, because I started doing stand-ups so early. So from 18 to 26, I didn't really drink because I was very often just driving to a show, being based in Bristol. And then living with John Richardson

got me back into alcohol because he was, he was like this sort of drink connoisseur that he would, at the end of the night, he'd be like, right, what am I going to have? You know, sort of look,

you had this sort of drinks cabinet, and it was like a sorting hat. It was like an alcoholic sort of thing. Where am I going to put you? And so he'd kind of go, I think I'm going to have a bit of port. I'm going to have some port. I think that would go lovely.

And he talked about it with such reverence that you would then go, can I have a bit of port? Do you know? Yeah. People like that who talk about, like, yeah, drinking in a circle, because I was the same.

I didn't really drink until my late 20s. But then like, you know, friends of mine who really got into making cocktails, but like, seriously, seriously got into it and would talk about it and would make these things

that looked delicious and make you want to get involved with that and people who could talk about even stuff like real ale or whatever. And they could talk about that with like loads of passion. Like, I really want to get into this world for some reason.

And yeah, it is hard. I'm a real sucker for that. If someone's charismatic and has a hint of knowledge about the subject, like weirdly, I was listening to Matthew McConaughey do a podcast with Mark Marin. And if he ran a cult,

I'd join. If there's a more charismatic, funny man, I mean, Jesus Christ. Yeah. He says his own name and you don't mind. Yeah, sure.

Do you know what I mean? Who refers to himself in the third person and isn't a dick? Matthew McConaughey. But now you've said that. I'm imagining John Richardson running a booze-based cult. Yeah.

But he has that ability. Yeah. Yeah. Because he's got a pub in his house, like in his shed called the Dawkin Bastard. She's a great name for a pub. What do you think of that, Pubhead?

I think it looks sad. What? What? It bums me out. I've seen photos of it. It bums me out. Pubbing your house just, it's at the end of the garden as well, isn't it?

I mean, look, if we have John on, I will say this directly to his face. I think the idea of leaving your house and sitting in the pub by yourself is sad. Wow. That is, I mean... And it looks that he's done a version

of a terrible pub. It looks like it stinks. Oh. I mean... It looks like it stinks. If you're willing to put this out in the open, I think we've got us a blur oasis situation.

Because he is so proud of that. He's so proud of that pub. Oh, this is great. This is going to be... We've got to get him on now. Yeah, I think we do. I think we definitely do.

What, the dog and bastard? But the dog and bastard makes him so happy. Yeah. I just think... Okay, have a bar in your house, fine. But I just... I think my problem is I don't really like pubs,

like old-school pubs like that. But I'm with you on that. I like a bar. I like youth. I don't like the concept of an old man pub. Who the fuck wants to hang out with old men? Yeah. Like, do you know what I mean?

I'm like, let's go to an old man pub. Like, old men don't normally say stuff. We go, oh, cheers, old man. Unless it's full of Brian Blessed's. It's normally old men that say things like, I've seen it all now and they never have. Because they've only ever been in that pub. Yeah, exactly.

Very little. Where were we? There was... Yeah, it's an interesting about drinking alone. Because I don't drink in the house on my own. I just can't think... Like, the last... I don't like myself.

So I don't want me to get drunk and start, like, attacking me. Like, do you know what I mean? I only drink with people. So if I'm with my friends, with my family, I would drink. But a lot of people drink on... Like, so John... Richardson drinks on his own.

John Robbins, famous for drinking on his own. He prefers it. He prefers it. I know. So at my wedding, he was at my wedding, and it was really good fun. And he fucking went drunk on his own, like, in the middle of a...

So... And I know that because he drank everything in the fucking room. Like that. I think me and James both might have been texting him at that point. And he said, oh, there's loads of really nice booze in the room.

We were like, well, that's a disaster. You're not going to that wedding? Yeah, it was so funny. But he was... I don't get it. I do drink at home. But also, quite often, it's like, I'll open a bottle of wine.

My fiance doesn't really drink wine. And then I'll end up drinking a bottle of wine. Right. But she'll have a gin and tonic or whatever. But I won't... I won't be like, right, I'm going to sit down and I'm going to drink completely alone.

She has to be there. That's a lie. What? No, but she's there with me. She's there with me. She is. On a regular basis. Yeah, sure.

On a regular basis, she's with you. But every now and again, you'll send me a text. Guess what I'm doing tonight? I'm going to drink this entire bottle of wine on my own. That's going to be the best. Oh, yeah.

But she's there in the room. Oh, OK. I'm drinking the whole bottle on my own. Yeah. Ed kind of, like, photoshopped her out of the text messages. What about you, James? Oh, yeah.

I'll drink on my own at home. Now, it's a much nicer thing. I had a... If I'm ever going through, like, a rough patch in my life for, like, mental health-wise, it is a very, very bad idea to drink on my own at home.

But I will want to do it more because I, you know, I get to the end of the day. I'm like, I don't like this day. I don't want to get this day done as soon as possible. And then you have your first drink on your own,

watching Netflix or whatever. And it feels great. And then sometimes... I could count on one hand the amount of times it's happened. But I'll just be at... I've been at home... This is years ago now.

But we'll get shit-faced. And then be like, oh, I'm actually drunk in my house. Not just, like, I'm a bit tipsy in my house. Yeah. But I've been, like, once, I remember getting so smashed and being scared of going to sleep

because I was like... Whoa. This is bad. This is really bad. So your drink is strawberry cider? Is it? It's a fruit cider. Strawberry and lime cider.

Strawberry and lime copperberg cider. Yes. Or ricordilic. I'll take A. Or ricordil, yes. Yeah, it has to be a fruity cider that tastes like ribena. So that's a very sweet drink

as a sort of a bridge into the dessert, perhaps. It's got to be, right? You've chosen some sweet things. You've got that sweet drink. You've got the biscuits on the side. You said how you like candied jam. You've also, very early on, which visibly relaxed James,

you said you don't really like cheese normally. Oh, no. You've really chilled him out because there's no sort of the phantom of the cheeseboard hanging over the rest of the record. No, absolutely not. No, there's no point. I wouldn't have that.

Never. I've never had one. I'm going to have one tonight. Oh, yeah? I'm having a cheeseboard tonight, guys. What's going to upset James is I'm not really a pudding guy either. No one saw this coming.

I'd take two starters. Yes! What? I'm having a great treat at the end, but listen, I'm happy to go along with this, and if I had to have a dessert, I would have a banoffee pie. Very good choice.

And also, I can make a good banoffee pie. I did it for food tech when I was 15. I remember our teacher had a bite of it, and you could tell it did something to it. I was just so confident. I was like, well, I've got a bit of a gift there. I should use it sparingly. Russell, if you say,

oh, I'll go along with it. I'll have banoffee pie if I've got to have a dessert. Yeah. This is your dream meal, man. Oh, that's true. If you don't want a dessert, well, you can easily, you can quantum leap back to the starter

and just bug another starter on there. Don't you think, James, if it's his dream meal? No, I don't let Ed do that to you. I would definitely have the banoffee pie. Also, at this stage of the evening, I would bring James in, and I would select any pudding that he wants, and I'd give him a 15-minute window to try and eat all of them.

Yes, great. Brilliant. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I would do. I would also have my nan there. I'd bring her back with all her lovely surrises. And me and her would make flapjacks,

because there's a thing we used to do when we were kids, when I was a kid, not her. And we'd make flapjacks together. It was like this weird thing we did. And then we'd put them in the bin because we didn't really like flapjacks. And Jenny did this, and it used to drive my mum insane.

Like, she just couldn't get her head around it. What did you just say? You and your grandmother used to make flapjacks together and then put them in the bin. Yeah. Yeah. Just, it was so much fun. Like, I don't know where it started.

It's a weird tradition of, like, just, there it goes, put them in the bin, and just we'd show it to mum, and she'd watch us do it, and just go, this is getting ridiculous now. It's just this lovely little game we had. At any point did you think,

we like cooking together. Let's make something we like. We liked the anger it produced from my mum more than we did the cooking. Yeah, yeah. We cooked to get to the exasperation. Yeah. Because we knew that in about an hour and a half's time,

we were going to see my mum eat from a bin. That's the game we were playing. Because mum would always take them out, dust them down, eat the flapjacks. I can see why you take your mum around the world with you, because that lady puts up with a lot. Yeah. But all of my family have those kind of weird quirks.

I guess everyone thinks that they're family like that, but they just, my nan had that kind of sense of humour. It was just so silly. I think it was her idea. I was making flapjacks and then put them in the bin, and I'm like, you know, nine going. That's just like a great way to spend Saturday. And my granddad, who's also no longer with us,

he used to do this at Christmas. He would just sing, no, well, just that, nothing else. Just sing the rest of that. No. And I remember once I was eating toast that he's made me. And that's another thing I'd like to put in there. There's something about the way my granddad used to have

like a loaf of bread, not sliced, you know, like a proper fat white loaf, and he would chop thick toast, granddad toast. And it was like, oh, so crusty and lovely. And he'd put marmalade on, if you only chop it into four bits. And it just, for whatever reason, it was just granddad toast that just made it particularly wonderful.

And you're about eight and you're kind of sat there like this prince in this kingdom. And my granddad once went, yeah, I reckon I could walk on my hands from Bristol to London. And I'm like eight with like this mouthful of magic. We go, wow, when are you going to do that? And he went, do it. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

It was something so, it sort of typifies my family. Do you know what I mean? Like just really strange, but warm bullshitters. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They kind of have that. I really love it. Ed, you don't seem as astounded by the flapjack revelation as me.

I still can't get my head down. No, no, no. I'm utterly astounded by it. I think it's great. Hello. I love it. But like at the same time, I have a question. Was there been, did it already have like stuff in it?

Or did you at least go, well, for the sake of her, we will put a fresh clean bin bug in there that is empty. And we won't chuck it all in that bin. Yeah. We'd make sure it was a clean bin. Yeah. But it was still joyous.

Just the drop. Like that. It's just like, forget a mic drop. You haven't lived until you've done a flapjack drop in front of a woman known in the family as the Fox because she eats from bins. Yeah. You're a Foxy.

So I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Russell. See how you feel about it. Yeah. For water, you want to spark them water. Which I want to kind of like throw the frog scottle in there. Yeah. Yeah. As well for you.

You've earned that. Yeah. Pop it on some bread. Pop it on some pansy in made of ale, mango chutney, lime pickle, and the orange hot one. Start at crispy duck pancakes. Yep. Or whap, whap, whap.

Whap, yeah. From wherever as well. There's no specific place wherever they do them. Yep. But ideally from our Chinese restaurant. Yeah. W-O-B. Welcome and please, wet-ass pancakes.

Mancourt have got chicken Thai curry from Long grain in Sydney, but it wasn't called chicken Thai curry, was it? It was called a chicken long. Long. Side, southern US biscuits as you said from Savannah. Yeah. Christmas, bacon sandwich for breakfast. And then lunch, got turkey, Yorkshire,

put in steamed spinach, parses of honey, full of steaks all chopped up. And then, of course, round off with the putty four of a tray of flapjack. Jack's straight into the bin. Yeah. Exactly. Definitely.

Russell, thank you so much. That is a wonderful menu and a wonderful Christmas choice. Thank you very much for coming to The Dream Restaurant. Do you know, I absolutely love that. Thanks for having us, guys. What a joyous thing to do and what has been a fucking revolting year. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having us, guys. Thanks for having us, guys. Thanks for having us, guys. Thanks for having us, guys. Thanks for having us, guys. What a wonderful, revolting year. Oh, it has been.

Merry Christmas, Russell. Well, there we are, a wonderful Merry Christmas, Happy Christmas episode, special with Russell Howard. And what a great menu. Delicious menu. Loads of great tales. Loads of great stories.

And just what a lovely man, making people cry with lovely gifts. Yeah. Well, a little Santa boy. Santa, the elves, Santa reindeer all rolled into one. That's Russell Howard. But my favorite thing about Russell Howard,

the little Santa boy, is he didn't bring anyone candy canes this year because they would make me cry, but for all the wrong reasons. Yes, he would have cried gumdrop tears on Christmas morning. But luckily, no candy canes from Russell Howard. And I was worried.

You know, there was a second year where I was like there's a lot of sweet stuff being dropped into this menu. He might say, he said I'm going to do the whole day, what I do all Christmas day. I was like, uh-oh. Candy canes might come up.

Yep. And what a course to kick someone out. And I didn't really think about it until we got to it. But I was like, oh man, if we kick someone out during the Christmas course. Couple of old Scrooge's.

Yeah. Couple of Ebenezer Scrooge's. But wonderful menu. Great chat. If, look, Russell Howard's got so much stuff out there. He doesn't need us to plug it, but we'll do it anyway.

He's got the Russell Howard Hour, which is on Sky. If you've gone to Netflix, he's got Netflix specials. Just there's so much stuff going on with Russell. Google him. Yeah. Google him for crying out loud.

We will be back next week with another Christmas special with a secret special Christmas guest. So keep an eye out for that. But until then, may your presents be bulging and your turkey be moist. Yes.

I agree. Bye. Goodbye. Hello. It's Harry Hill here. I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise.

Basically, it's a half hour of ambient sound then at some point during the podcast I make a noise. Now when you're listening to it you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise and you'll get lulled into it and then I'll make the noise and it'll be really funny. I mean it doesn't sound like a regular podcast does it but um believe me you're gonna really love it. So why don't you subscribe now on Apple Podcasts Spotify and A-Cast it's called Harry Hills Noise and it's coming soon. Hello it's me Amy Glendale you might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where Spokes and my Mum and I asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never

been the same since and I am joined by me Ian Smith I would probably go bread I'm not gonna spoil it in case. Get him on James and Ed but we're here sneaking into your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing it's called Northern News it's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north because look we're two Northerners sure but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny quite a lot of them crimes it's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's not the news when's it out Ian? It's already out now Amy. Is it? Yeah get listening there's probably a backlog you've left it so late.