Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 87: Sarah Millican (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Grab the KFC gravy, it’s another classic Off Menu Christmas Special, and we welcome Sarah Millican to the dream restaurant. And we’ll make sure her meal is piled high on a plate.Sarah Millican is on tour in 2021/2022 with ‘Bobby Dazzler’. For tour dates and tickets visit sarahmillican.co.uk.Follow Sarah Millican on Twitter @SarahMillican75 and Instagram @thesarahmillican.#JoinIn will be happening on Twitter on Christmas Day.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, Christmas special. Here we are. I came up with an intro, James, about Crumb Brulee, and then I realised it was a Christmas special, and I probably should have come up with a Christmasy intro. Yes, yes. You need a festive intro, really. You need a festive intro, pulling the cracker of chat and reading the joke of food, putting on the crown of humour. I was maybe going to say, like, Christmas time, podcast and wine. Anyway, welcome to the Off Menu Christmas special. Very exciting to be here. It's our

second Christmas special of this year. Thank you very much for listening to the Russell Howard one last week. We enjoyed all the lovely comments. Thank you. Christmas comes but twice a year. So this week, we're very excited to have another special guest. What are the special guests doing, James? Our special guest is going to tell us their favourite ever starter main course, dessert, side dish, drink, and a special little Christmas course as well, where they tell us their favourite Christmas foods. And this week's guest is Sarah Millican. The wonderful Sarah Millican. I feel like she should have been on the podcast years ago, James. She's the absolute perfect guest. She's a brilliant comedian, and has talked about food on stage

before. Exactly. We had to hold Sarah back for a Christmas episode, because it's such a gift, everybody. You know this episode is going to be good. Before we've even recorded it, we can all be, well, I don't know where I'm going with this. Well ensured. Me and James have got to the stage of Christmas where we've eaten so much, we can't even speak words anymore. So much turkey, so much, oh God. What are you most looking forward to about Christmas food, James? I love pigs in blankets, and obviously, I love all the dessert guilt that goes out the window, and I can eat puddings all day long, and I don't care, because it's Christmas, and the calories don't count, baby. They don't count, baby. But to

be fair, the calories don't count all year round off menu towers, or indeed in your own homes. Ignore the numbers, eat what you like. So let's have a chat to the wonderful Sarah Millican, but I hope, James, on Christmas, she doesn't pick the secret ingredient that means we have to kick her out of the restaurant, not on Christmas. Oh, and the secret ingredient that we have deemed is disgusting this week is bubblegum. Bubblegum, bubblegum. Anything bubblegum flavoured, including bubblegum itself, get out of here. I don't know why it's a thing. Yep, bubblegum flavoured stuff, ridiculous. Actual bubblegum, overrated, loses its flavour after a couple of chews, and then the bubbles aren't worth it. Let's face it. No, thank

you. So Sarah picks anything bubblegum flavoured on this most holy of days. She will be removed from the restaurant. Sarah's going on tour. We should mention that now, and we're going to mention it in the outro. That's how important we think it is. She's going on tour. She's got a new show called Bobby Dazzler. It starts in May 2021, and you can get tickets from sarahmillican.co.uk. Lovely, lovely stuff. Oh, Ed, I feel like the rhythm of this means that now I've got to intro the episode and go into it. I'm not used to that. No, OK. Well, why don't you give it a go, man? It's Christmas. OK, well, everybody, yo-ho-ho with a bottle of rum. It's Christmas time, and let's talk to, let's say here is the dream

menu of Sarah Millican. Welcome, Sarah Millican, to the dream restaurant. Thanks, I'm so excited. Oh, my God, there's sound effects in everything. Welcome, Sarah Millican, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Oh, have you? Oh, I literally only got the invitation. We invite people, but the booking is perpetual and exists in the ether forevermore. Fair enough. I mean, I've been listening for a long time, and I've been shouting out all of my answers on The Dog Walk. I've heard them all. Oh, God, I'm glad. I've heard them all from within my lamp, and I can't wait to hear them all again and hear what the short list was and what you narrowed it down to, because on The Dog Walks, I've heard many different suggestions, depending

on your mood that day. It's always the same. You're listening to the wrong person. You've been tuning into the wrong person on The Dog Walk. I've been listening to the dogs. I've been listening to the dogs. That explains everything. There's definitely people who live in your local area who are listening to this, and they already know the answer because they've heard you screaming at the top of your voice. Yeah, or just disagreeing with whoever's on. I mean, that's part of the fun, isn't it? Absolutely. Is there anyone from your listening history with off-menu that has particularly ground your gears? I mean, VCM, Victoria Coromichel and Appliomint. What on earth was happening there? Just a

selection of disparate things on a plate. No, no. Like, nobody's even... That's just chopping, isn't it? It's not even cooking. It's chopping, and it's put arranging. That's what it is. That's not cooking. That's arranging. And also, I mean, as you'll find out, I've got a big problem with cheese anyway. So, yeah, anything that's sent us around cheese, I'm not having anything to do with. Somebody I did really respect, though, was Greg Davis. I've listened to that twice because I just love the moment. The moment before, Ed knows what's about to happen, and the moment he realises that no starter is occurring. It's just beautiful, beautiful podcasting. I'll be honest, Sarah, your comments on cheese

and then saying that you respect Greg Davis for having no starter. Really, it really spells out this is going to be a tricky episode for me. I feel great. Yeah. I think if James knows anything about me, he knows that there's definitely going to be a pudding. So, I mean, maybe for all of the courses. Well, that would be a first that I wouldn't necessarily welcome. Merry Christmas indeed. But what a Christmas episode that would be. Triple puddings. Two sides. A pudding drink like a milkshake for the drink. And iced bun for the bread. Oh, heaven. Also, good to see VCM getting the plowmen's knocked out of her hands. Love it. Thank you for doing that. It's two. I can say she was going for classic, but there's

classic and there's arranged food. It is not a proper meal. It's what you do when you've got bits and bobs left after Christmas. It's a picky tea. It's a fancy picky tea is all it is. I think she was trolling us big time. I think she knew what reaction it was going to get. She refused to back. That was the annoying thing about it is she refused to back down. She wouldn't even have a discussion about it. She was like, no, plowmen's is the best. I eat sandwiches in the loo and I love plowmen's. I remember the sandwiches in the loo. That made me think I could probably start going to dinner parties. I didn't know that was an option that you could bring safety food. So we always start with still or sparkling

water. Which one of these have you been shouting out in the park? Which one of these do people think your dog is named? It's not America's got a dog called sparkling. I've got a question actually. Am I? Because all the episodes I've listened to, which is quite a lot, it doesn't specify whether you're on your own in the restaurant or if there are other tables with people at them. It's totally up to you. It's your dream restaurant. You can populate it with people. You can have no one else in there. Because that changes my water taste, I suppose. Because if there's somebody I look like I feel like I should impress, then I would have still. And if I'm on my own and nobody knows, I'll have tap. So I think what I'd like is nobody

else there. But to make it less awkward, maybe some ambient music. So like a man at a piano playing maybe Christmas songs badly. So it's quite entertaining. But can he be over there? Because I once sat in a restaurant and I asked him to turn down the music because it's too loud and she pointed out the man on the piano behind me because I'm not that observant. So a man on a piano over there. So the man on the piano, when you asked him to turn down the music, all he heard was the lady he was sat next to playing the piano go, could you turn the music down? Can you turn the man?

Can you tell that man to shut the fuck up? Can you just play? I don't know if you just touch the keys a bit more lightly. Can you play over the lid? That would have been amazing. But yeah, he was too loud. And she literally just went, oh, sorry, I can't. And she pointed and I was like, oh, there's a man on it. I'd never been anywhere where there'd been a man on a piano. It would have felt dead posh. So if I'm on my own, I will have tap water, please, because it is just the same as still, but I'm not being charged for it. I know it's a dream restaurant and all that.

Sure. No, I agree. Even in my dream restaurant, I'd have tap, definitely, because it's just no different. Also, you feel like really down to earth as well when you kick off by saying tap. Oh, that's interesting, because I think if I'm trying to impress somebody, I'd have still, because I think they think, oh, she can afford it. When really what? I should be like, I'm woman of the people. I'm having tap. Yeah, but I'm constantly battling against people thinking I'm the poshest man in the universe. So if I go tap, I'm like, I'm like, what a view, chaps.

Well, when Ed says tap to a waiter, he's asking them to dance for him. You tap, you drive, chop, chop. Turn that piano down. Do you want anyone in particular playing the piano? Oh, there's a good question. Somebody who's quite good. I don't want anybody playing something where I'm like, I don't know what that is. I want to be able to recognise the tunes, proper tunes. So somebody who, like mid-range, doesn't have to be famous, but better than I am. I can only play with one hand, which is limiting. You don't want to be sat at dinner and then not really listening to music, and then you

just tune into it, and you just hear it in the distance, and you're like, that's the Rugrats theme tune. Is that the theme from Midnight Caller? Oh, you're both probably too young for that. Every now and again, someone said something on the podcast that I know is going to end up on the no-context-off menu Twitter account, and when you said, I can only play with one hand and it's limiting, I was like, well, that's going. That's immediately been tweeted out.

I mean, that's also true. But I'm really good with that hand. Don't get it twisted, everyone. It's the same as an expert with that hand. Yeah. Not an expert. An expert. It sounds too much. Do you want someone in the distance doing that as well? Well, I mean, if I'm on my own, maybe I could be doing that to myself, couldn't I? It sounds like the food is, right?

Yeah. And if I've got like, instead of having cutlery, if I just have like a spoon, I could keep the other hand busy. It's fine. And then it'll be, the pianist will be the one going to the waiters. Can you ask her to turn it down? Keep it down over there. It's too noisy over on that table, please. I'm trying to play the piano over here. I'll have what she's having. Pop it up in the Rugrats theme.

Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Sarah Mellican. I think, so I've got another question. Are there repercussions in the dream restaurant? For example, I have a slight lactose and gluten intolerance, which I just ride out. I just eat what I like and drink what I like. And I just deal with the consequences, which are sometimes horrific. For example, I once had a pizza in a restaurant pub with my friend.

They'd only just got a pizza of him. We got very excited. We ordered pizzas. I ate the pizza and then we didn't have to do it, but we did have a cup of tea and I had shot it out before I'd finished my cup of tea. And I was, had a real problem with the fact that I still had to pay for it when I wasn't even able to take it home. So I'd like bread, but can I have like an IBS free meal? Yeah, for sure. Is that all right?

Yes, it's your dream. Yeah, we can sort that out for you. Thanks. Cause I like, I just, I deal with it. I don't avoid it. Well, we've got our dog has IBS and I have to cook special meals for him. And I do that for him, but I don't care about me. And I just like, ah, custard, jugs of custard, just shovel everything in. That is really bad for me.

And then I'm like, oh, my belly hurts. I wonder why. Well, I would like bread and I would like any kind of bread that hasn't got bits in it. It's still fairly Northern working class. And I would like the main thing is, as many of your guests have mentioned, is the butter with a little bit of salt on the top, because bread is sort of a spoon for butter, isn't it? That's all bread is for.

If people have dry bread, I only got into butter. That's a weird sentence. When I got divorced, never liked butter. And then I was crying one day at my desk at work. And one of the girls was like, oh, I've ordered this, but are we toast from the canteen and I don't want to know, does anybody else want it? And I was like, I'll have it.

And then my taste buds were walking with the delights of butter. So I lost a husband and a future and happiness and all of that. But I got butter. And honestly, I think it's a fairly good trade. I think that's a pretty good trade. Yeah. Because now I've got a husband, new one and new, should I call him new? It's only 15 years in.

I've got a husband and I've got butter, which is the best of all worlds. If you had to give up any food for your new husband, so obviously you welcome butter into your life with the divorce. If you had to reject a food to marry again, what food would you have given up for your new husband? Can it be something I don't like? Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Liver. Liver. There you go. Also, I have a question. When you first tried butter, that buttery toast at work, when you were upset, did the salt from your tears mix with the butter? And is that why you loved it so much? I think that might be it.

That's exactly why, because it must have just been, because it would have just been like standard or boring butter, but the salt from my tears has made me go, this is incredible. And that's why I only have salty butter now. Oh my God, you've really unwrapped that in such an excellent way that I didn't even know that about myself, James A. Custer. Well done and thank you.

Thank you. Very, very difficult to seem down to earth in a restaurant when you hand the butter back to the waiter and say, could you go and cry on that for me? Tap, tap, cry. Tap and cry. The man on the piano is already crying, because I don't want to turn it down.

So we'll get his tears. The woman who's constantly masturbating must be the cry to the butter. This is the worst day. It's already my best day. It's her dream apparently. What's wrong with this lady? And she gave me IBS.

It was part of the trade. It has to go somewhere. You keep your one hand. You don't get salt on your masturbating hand, because that would be... I mean, I've never tried it, especially if it's that crunchy, you know, not like just table salt.

Crunchy rock salt. Oh, it's sharp. That's the point though, actually. If we are taking the IBS away from you, I have to put it somewhere. I have to put it into another person, because I can't just... I'm a genie.

I'm a bit tricky like that. So who do you want me to give your IBS to for the duration of this meal? Can you divide it up into loads of little bits of IBS and give it to every single person who's asked for a cheeseboard on this podcast? Oh, absolutely. Bristol, enjoy your IBS.

Ed, you can have a double dose of it. Oh, that's an IBS. Jess Phillips. I'd quite like a bit, actually. If they have a cheeseboard instead of a pudding, then it's very... There's dairy in there. There'll be bread in there.

There's loads of terrible IBS things. So they'll really regret that. Oh, yeah. Not choosing a proper pudding. This is brilliant. My girlfriend has similar problems to you, Sarah. And she does that thing where she just eats what she wants and then goes out loud.

Oh, I'll just take the consequences. Yeah. Never fully realizing that the consequences aren't just on her. We do live together, so I am, you know, part and parcel of everything that happens to her also, to some extent, does happen to my life as well. You know, for illness, you know,

for sickness and in health, you know, that's one of the things, isn't it, for IBS and for not. But also, whenever, like, my husband once, so we did the Edinburgh Festival together, as in both shows at the same time, we decided to stay in a hotel rather than staying in a crappy flat

that was the same price as a hotel. So, and it was one of those hotel rooms that's got the bath in the room. And I was sitting in the bath and he was pacing, learning his show. And at one point, I did such a terrible thought and it came, because obviously it hits the air further away from your ass because you've been

in the bath, so it comes from the service. And in the middle of him chunting, learning his show, he stopped and he went, crikey. And then carried on. And I'm really proud of that. Every time he says, like, exactly like you, that he's also suffering, I say, yeah, but you're not suffering as much as I am.

And that is also true. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, that is true. Yeah, I will. What kind of bread though? Because we've got the salty butter. Bread without bits. No bits.

No bits. And white, not brown. Even though I could have brown with IBS, but with no IBS, but no white, has to be white. And like crusty, but I haven't got great teeth. I've got a lot of fillings. And I think sometimes like a sourdough might, it's just too much.

So something that is generic, crusty, bloomer. We used to call it cutty bread, because you've got to cut it. We're so sophisticated here. What did you call the other kind of bread? Bread. In your house, did you say, you know what? That's the best thing since cutty bread.

Well, we come to your starter. I'm not hopeful, I'll be honest. With all the chat at the beginning, I'm not hopeful with this. Is she going to do a Davis? That's what I'm worried about. You have to wait and see. So with a starter,

starter is never my favorite bit. What I'd like to do is have a look. I like the menus in a restaurant that have the puddings on as well. Because you know, sometimes they do, and sometimes they're on a separate menu, and they keep it all, you know, mysterious. I like a menu that has the puddings on as well,

because then I can go, well, I'm going to have that pudding, so I'll have no starter, which is generally the rule. But if there's no good puddings, if they're all very sort of nutty, or coffee, or anything I don't really like, in which case I'll probably have a starter.

But I always struggle with starters, because starters are always full of things I don't like. So I'm not keen on fish. I don't like seafood. I don't like cheese. I don't like mushrooms. So all starters seem to be full of all of those things. But I don't want to have no starter,

because I saw how much it kicked off with Greg. And also, I'm not like Greg. I don't think starters are rude. And I would rather, if somebody else is eating, I'm not going to sit and watch. I would like to eat as well. So I'm going to ask for something that wouldn't normally be considered a starter

as my starter, if that's all right. Interesting, yeah. Yes. I would like two Greg's pasties. So when I was worried about you doing a Davis, I should have been more worried about you doing a Greg. Two Greg's pasties. And obviously, they'd have to go to the shop for them.

I don't want a restaurant's version of a Greg's. I want a proper Greg's pasty. So in which case, it depends what time of day you're going. You know this when, if they've just come out the oven, if they've been out a while, if they've had a Russian, if they haven't had a Russian. So you always have to have two orders in your mind. If it's cold, if it's warm.

And they're not always the same thing. So if they're warm, I'll have two sausage, bean and cheese melts, please. And if they're cold, I'll have corned beef and potato because you can eat corned beef at any temperature as a rule. And I would like those delivered in the Greg's paper bag so that you can fold around and have the Greg's slowly coming out the top.

Now, we have not had Greg's mentioned on this food podcast yet. So let's delve into the world of Greg's, what you love about it, where your love affair with it started. I want to know everything about you and Greg's. Well, I'm from South Shields and I was once stopped in South Shields Town Centre by a woman who recognised me. I've done a little bit of telly by then. And she had a little kid in a buggy

and he had a sausage roll sticking out the top of the paper bag from Greg's and she said, will you pose for a photo with my son? There's a toddler somewhere. There's a photograph of me looking like annoyed with a toddler looking perplexed as to why there's a woman hovering over a sausage roll. But I always worked near a Greg's.

So when I worked in shops and when I worked in offices, it was always the place you go and I'm a creature of habit. I'll always have exactly the same lunch for about six months. And then I'll be like, I might change it up a bit and then I'll have a slightly different lunch for six months. So I would always have, because they didn't, because I predate sausage bean and cheese melt. They're quite modern.

I would always have a corned beef and potato pasty too if I was hungry. And then I would have a custard slice, vanilla slice, custard slice, the custardy ones, not the custard slice, and a carton of ribena. So much sugar in that. Oh my God. And I think when they opened service stations,

that's when, because I didn't work in an office, for 15 years I've been a comic, but then when they started opening up in service stations, I thought, oh, now you're talking. And that's why you always stop at Weatherby, don't you? Because you don't even have to go in. Yes. You can just, you can have a wee at the garage bit,

which the queue's never big, and you can get a pasty on the outside. Now at service stations, all the Greggs are always outside the main services, aren't they? And someone told me that was something about, like, the kitchen and the oven, and that they need their own separate kitchen from, I don't know, someone said there was a rule about Greggs.

Is it like when ACDC play festivals, they demand their own stage? Is it that sort of thing? Yeah. Greggs are the ACDC of fast food. I feel like it's something where they're an outsider, and the people who own all the places inside, all, yeah, up across and all of that shenanigans,

have all gotten, Greggs is too big a risk to have indoors with us. We need to have it outside. And also there's often a queue, so you do have to go inside and have a massive giant bread that's a catastrophe, like, up across. I don't have teeth for up across. I've not had a Greggs in years.

I don't think I've lived near a Greggs for long enough. When I lived at my mum's, there was a Greggs around the corner, and I think I got Greggs every day. Yeah. Then when I was at university in Durham, there wasn't a Greggs, it was a Peters, which is a phenomenal bakery chain as well.

A huge shout out to Peters Bakery. Durham wouldn't allow a Greggs. Durham's a bit posh. Well, there you go, perfect for me. Yeah, he loves it. But I used to eat Greggs every day when I lived at my mum's. I remember sausage, bean and cheese melt coming in and being excited about it.

Yeah, and I don't like cheese, so that's why it has to be warm, because otherwise it tastes like cheese. It just tastes like glue otherwise, which I'm fine with. And my complaint about sausage, bean and cheese melt is there's not enough cheese in it, and they call it, it's a sausage and bean melt,

that you can barely pick up on the cheese. Maybe that's why I like it then. Just a me a whisper of cheese in there. That's all there is. Just a little bit of string when you pull it away. That's all. So you don't want a sausage roll in this start? No.

Interesting. That is interesting, because it's a thing of beauty. It's a British institution, the Greggs sausage roll. Yeah. But then when they bring the vegan one out, and weld in the vegans, and it's great, but they still call it a sausage roll, and it's not sausage.

This is the problem I have with vegan food. I don't have a problem with vegans at all, but the problem with vegan food is that it's always pretending it's something it's not, isn't it? It's always a vegan sausage roll. What they want to say is, it's some nuts chopped up into a shape. Doesn't roll off the tongue the same, does it?

No! Roll on the end. Yeah. Oh, man. I remember, like, in secondary school, when me and my friends just, like, discovered that the hot sausage rolls in the canteen were the best food we'd ever tasted.

And it would be so excited for lunchtime and getting a sausage roll, because also, like, I had packed lunches. My parents, you know, were like, don't go and get stuff from the canteen. It's really bad for you. And then when I discovered those sausage rolls, I'm like, I'm basically,

I basically be hovering around my mates hoping to get some scraps, or they're buying me one, because they were good guys. But, oh, man. The hot sausage roll. Now you've talked about gregs. All I can think of is that I want a hot sausage roll now.

And the fact that it's not on your starters, I mean, I really respect what you have got on your starters, but, like, I really, I'm kind of shedding a little tear for our absent friend, the hot sausage roll from gregs. But, I mean, a sausage bean and cheese melt has got a sausage roll within that, though, because it's got the pastry, it's got the sausage.

I just, I can make sausage rolls. I have made sausage rolls. They don't get cold in our house. They just get eaten warm. But I can't make a sausage bean and cheese melt. I wouldn't know how to stop it leaking all over the shop. So I think I like to eat something I can't make when I'm in a restaurant

because otherwise, why bother? Like, if I just came in here and had, like, a plowman's, sorry, Victoria. She's going to get a bat run. Also, just to let you know, you're absolutely not missing out on Upper Crust at all. You're missing out on absolutely nothing. That place should be ashamed of itself.

The driest food in the world. Yeah, I mean, the thing is about Upper Crust is they were innovators when they started, right? They had the run of the place. When they've been around for so long at the train stations or all of that, it was, that was your choice for a fancy sandwich was Upper Crust. But they've not moved with the times.

Sorry, guys. No. Something you could have in a train station that's probably tastier than that is something from the body shop. Yeah. Much rather suck on a soap. Exactly. Just banana conditioner, something like that. Yeah. Although credit to Upper Crust, the name is fitting.

It is, but basically that is all you're getting there. The Big Old Crust. I'm not good with baguettes. I've got to suck them till they go soft. I mean, that is absolutely terrible. No context. Having a field day. It could be working his fingers to the bone during this episode.

Like Sarah during a meal. And do you want it that we've got like a little Gregg's Bakery outside the Dream Restaurant like at a service station? I'm not really bothered even. You could just send a young man on a bike. I want an authentic.

I don't want something that is oh, we've done that, but we've put some time in it. No, no, no. Don't fancy up a Gregg. Just a basic Gregg's pasty, please. I was going to say a donor, but we're not just going to Gregg's. I forgot we're in a restaurant. What a great podcast that would be.

So, right. We're at Gregg's. What do you want? Every single episode. Actually, though, I feel like if we if we move on from this, people are going to want to know if it was just in Gregg's this episode, what would your dream meal be

if it was all Gregg's? I think I would. They're really good on the jam donuts because the what I call the jam anus is always very visible. I don't trust one way. I can't see the exit entry of the jam because

what if there's none? What if I get it home and it's just a ring donut with a dry middle? I mean, this is pointless. Ring donuts, I call diet donuts. Because they are. The good thing about Gregg's is you can say, oh, can you put them in

separate bags and then they think you're working in an office and you're getting loads of things for other people. And you go away with so many separate bags and just sit and eat them all in the park. I think I would have a still a custard slice, but I would have to eat that in private because they're really hard

to eat politely. So I'd probably just put that in my handbag. I did actually. Oh, I was once at T-bay services. I mean, is there a better services? And I dropped a custard. Oh, it was a custard tart. And I dropped it on the floor of the toilet,

but it landed on the foil and I thought it's probably all right. It's T-bay. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, and I'd probably have a carton of I.B. in it, even though I think these days I might find that a bit too sweet.

Tooth kind? You can get some tooth kind? Oh, that's true. Yes, maybe we'll get that. It's something I really don't understand that. It seems to be on a lot of like a master chef and all those kind of programs was when they say something's too sweet. And I don't always really understand what that means because if somebody's made a dessert and they're like,

oh, it's too sweet. What do you want in it? It's a dessert. I don't know that there's such thing as too sweet. I mean, obviously I agree with you, but here he goes. I do like a bit of salt in dessert to cut through. I know what... If it's just all sweet all of the time,

I like it when there's like a salty element to it or another citrusy element cutting through. No. Because otherwise you can't distinguish between the flavours. What lifts up the rest of the flavours? It just... It can be one flavour. Mmm. Just one.

I feel very strongly like we're heading towards the dessert being a bucket of sherbet here. Greg's used to be on my fat boy lunch tour when I was a bigger boy and I used to eat loads and loads of lunch and I didn't really have much going on. I used to just go to the Italian deli around the corner from my mum

and get usually like an aubergine parmesan thing and like a ciabatta. Then I'd go to Greg's and I'd pick up a couple of pasties. Then I'd go to the corner shop and get a packet of biscuits and that was pretty much lunch at least five times a week. And I'd just go home and I'd watch TV and eat that and honestly I miss it so much.

It's so nice to hear it's slimmer boy missing his fatties. Oh god because it's not like when I was doing it I was like oh why am I eating so much I'm so sad. I'd love it in every second of it. Yeah. See lockdown I think for me

the whole of 2020 has been you know when you eat so much crap over Christmas and you've permanently got your hand in the sweets and you know some people are eating cheese constantly and all these things and then you sort of snap on a day between Christmas

and New Year and you think god I just need a fucking apple. That's where I'm currently at but the whole year has been eating rubbish and now I'm like okay now I need a stick of celery. Yeah. What was lovely about that description

is halfway through you went and some people are snacking on cheese as if to bring me into the conversation. I tried. I've not forgotten about you Ed. Trying to include you. Sarah knows how to work her room. She's a professional comic. She wants everyone to understand the routine

make it accessible for as many people as possible roll it in sweets, some of us are eating cheese. We come to your main course. We wave goodbye to the Greggs we walk out. You've even got some hot pasties or some cold pasties in your tongue. What's next?

So it's a version of a roast I suppose. Gary does an husband, Gary Delaney does an incredible roast chicken and we've made sure that he's never told me how to do it because it might come to that

point in our relationship when you know when there's just a couple of threads keeping it together and I think one will be baked potatoes and one will be roast chicken and if I know how to do those then that relationship is on the rocks. So he's never shown me I'm not allowed in the room when he's doing it

I know he turns it upside down at one point I know he stops it with things but I don't know any of the things it's magic and it is incredible and I try as much as I can to eat some flesh and skin rather than just the skin I would happily just skin a chicken

I think that so chicken skin with a little bit of flesh so a thing that's happened in 2020 for us is for years we've had what we call cheaty roast potatoes which would be like an Auntie Bessie frozen type

thing or maybe at Christmas a fancy marxies ready to go in the oven thing and then Gary tried roast potatoes one because he was like I don't know there's too fat I'll never be able to do them as well as everybody else can as well as all the ready ones and he tried them and it turns out they're

quite easy and they're incredible and we can never go back so I would have his roast potatoes which he goes into the garden this is what it's like in the countryside and brings some rosemary in from the garden our lives are very different to what they used to be I don't know what I was expecting there that he went in I'd imagine him cooking them

in the garden so you couldn't see how he was doing it he has to go in a bush and chop them up so I don't see how he prepares them MC leaves his skin on and I show my disapproval by leaving some and he realises I don't want to teach him but I want him to learn

so those and I would also have my Yorkshire puddings and I know you're not supposed to have them with chicken just with beef but we have Yorkshire puddings with I mean back in the day when I had freezer surprise sometimes when I was busy I'd have like a frozen lasagna in Yorkshire puddings because it was whatever was

in the freezer so you can have Yorkshire puddings you're also going to have Yorkshire puddings where do you have your well of gravy that you dip your other things in because you've got to create a well so I'm going to have chicken I'm going to have roast potatoes I'm going to have Yorkshire puddings I'm going to have gravy

and I think the gravy can just be like instant gravy because I'm not really bothered I don't know that I can really tell I don't have sophisticated taste buds enough that I could be like mmmm yeah it's definitely not being just out of a kettle in a jar so that's what I'm going to choose

for my meal There's still some stuff to unpack for one the phrase freezer surprise which you threw out there like it was normal and you know sometimes we have freezer surprise and then you carry it on Cheety roast potatoes

was thrown out there as well presumably they go very well with a cutty bread for a picky tea freezer surprise Sarah what's going on so freezer surprise so you know when you're really busy

and you're travelling a lot and like I went on Jamie and Jimmy's kitcheny cooking program I can't remember the name of it and it was great fun but they said to me what is your favourite meal from around the world and we'll show you how to make that and I was like I often eat microwave dinners

and they were initially appalled and then Smart went well what's your favourite microwave dinner and we'll teach you how to cook that and do it better great but it took three hours and the microwave meal takes three minutes thirty seconds and sometimes as you all know when you're busy you've got ten minutes and you've got to cook and eat in that

time and you want something hot so you want to turn a soup or you want a microwave dinner so freezer surprise is something where you grab something out the freezer that you can muke in the microwave and you put it with something else in the freezer that doesn't always go so I have many times had frozen lasagna and Yorkshire puddings

and it's really nice is it a surprise in the sense do you pull it out there and put it in the microwave before you know what it is no I don't do it with my eyes shut here's in the film lid with your eyes closed no the surprise is that you don't know until you see what you've got what you're going to have it's not pre-prepared

you haven't planned anything it's just those two things will roughly go will they both feed me and fill me up done that's it and surprise neither of you know what pre-surprises I thought it was the thing everybody did it's not an idea of what it might be

but it's the way you said freezer surprises if that was the universal terminology for it well sometimes we have freezer surprise obviously we do that because obviously at the minute we're oh good I really miss being able to just go oh we can't be bothered to cook let's just go to the pub and every day we're

like what should we have everything we have to order the food to be delivered so we've got to plan it all out and then sometimes Gary will go right Tuesday we'll just have freezer surprise and it just sat in the freezer obviously with some fresh veg but mostly it's just freezer things

Ed knows exactly what I'm laughing at there one of my favourite things is when a phrase gets adopted by someone else and the fact that Gary just has freezer surprise as a normal thing that he says as well really makes me laugh on Tuesday we'll have freezer surprise and imagining Gary Delaney saying that is very funny

the thing is things like cutty bread and picky tea really makes sense for you to say I think they fit perfectly within your vocab I can imagine Gary saying it and it just doesn't work Gary Delaney saying cutty bread doesn't work for me

well sometimes he has to adopt what I've said because I've forced it into the common vernacular of the house and there's only the two of us the cat and dog don't talk tall sort of dog talks to me sometimes I'll say is that a northern thing do you think and he'll go I think that's a

Sarah thing he's got his secret chicken recipe that's very exciting that you don't even know it you know he turns it upside down at one point but that's it and I'm assuming that means like that not like on its end not like balanced on its legs

you can so some people do cook chicken like that so it gets a full sort of like heating around it but they'll put it on a can of beer or something right they'll drink half a can of beer and then basically ram it up the chicken's bum and have the chicken stood up in the oven

I'm minding what the chicken looks like you put your hands on your hips Huzzle your hips chest puffed out the chicken's in there going I'm ready to leave now this is getting beyond a joke it's boiling in here this is absolutely unbearable

you look quite a sassy chicken he's not happy I think he turns it upside down because then all of the juices run into the breast it makes sense sounds delicious you know it's probably something that loads of people know how to do but I have purposefully not learned it to keep my marriage together

how do you know he turns it upside down there did you walk in on him once he's like get out and you saw the chicken up what did you see what did you see I didn't see anything you chicken's just looking sassy with your hands on her hips hands on its head looking at you

the chicken's like Gary who is this you've been at work you didn't tell me we had company Gary that was just you and I the chicken sometimes he'll mention it to other people and I have to tune out

so you'll say oh I just did it upside down and I think oh no I'm not supposed to know because it's just better because I think if you both it's good to keep a mystery but when people say that it usually means they're having an affair and I don't like that so the mystery for us is all food based

from him it's your special thing he's never in the room when I make a Yorkshire pudding sometimes he does a toad in the hall and I make my Yorkshire pudding mix and I leave it on the bench and he'll go I'll just show us the recipe and I'll do it and I'm like no it's alright

cooking a full roast dinner must be an absolute nightmare in your house you have to tag each other in and out of the kitchen you're all blindfolded like bird box you're just going round the kitchen we have to do the whole thing back to back so so Gary's chicken

Gary's potatoes your Yorkshire puddings this is like just further more showing how polar opposite you and Ed are because Ed has been very vocal about his food I've been vocal about I don't like Yorkshire puddings I think they take up room on the plate I think they're unnecessary

did you call them putting a hat on your dinner putting a hat on your dinner they're plain they don't taste like having a bad pancake he's mad to be fair I was sent a lovely meal kit the other day

from a place called Blacklock and there were some Yorkshire's in there and I warmed them up and put them with it and they were nice but I still wouldn't choose to have them the well of gravy I'd rather just have a bowl of gravy next to me but if you went to a carvery

for example the Yorkshire puddings they are not great definitely I find they're too hard and they've been out for too long but they're really good structurally for piling up all of your veg I see in that case

to make my little veg building I would use the bricks you can just put peas and carrots straight in it I once went to a pick and mix with a friend of mine and it was one of those ones where you just pay for the cup regardless of what's in it like in my day you had to wait

for lumps and not cooler cubes but this one he said oh no what you do is you get the worms and you put them around to create a sort of coil pot within and you can keep it going up above in which case you get more and then he said

then you fill like smarties or M&Ms in all the gaps and they go all the nooks and crannies and I was like oh this is I mean he's a professional pick and mixer clearly who said that? and I want to know your name please have you ever bought a bag

I haven't done it for years but a bag of pick and mix and they put it down and they say 8lb and you're like well that's more than my ticket was so quite a fancy way of feeling like you're cheating the system is very satisfying I've said this on the podcast before

I'm sure but what we used to do when we went to the cinema is we go for lunch at Pizza Hut first for the Pizza Hut buffet then do the ice cream factory a flat price but then what you do is not get any ice cream and you just go back time and time again and only get the sweet toppings and put them in a tissue wrap them up

and take them to the cinema I don't think you have said that before that is absolutely amazing if you go to the Chinese buffet and they've got one of those ice cream machines and you choose which ball they've got

suggested balls beside it but you can go over and get a big salad ball and just just as a tip there's suggested balls they suggest those as if there's a sign saying we suggest you use these balls feel free to roam

but I like to bring a top hat with me and I just fill the top hat up with ice cream but there's also there's no sign that says you can't just put your head straight under the tap that's definitely I mean you know if I if I'm alive when the apocalypse happens that's my first stop I'm going to one of those places

with the ice cream tap while the world burns just for the mouth full of ice I'll see you there you mentioned gravy with this meal now I've had conversations with you in the past where you have mentioned gravy imagine

imagine saying that to someone we've had conversations about gravy in the past yes we've already talked about well I think I know what your favourite gravy in the world is and I might be wrong but it was after you and Gary were going home and you were going to go via

a little place called Kentucky Fried Chicken and you were excited about having some gravy there if I'm not mistaken they've really lifted themselves up from being just a standard sort of chickeny place by just having a pot of depending on when you get it

fairly congealed gravy that is you can sort of like empty the ball out the little tub out in one doesn't trickle out it goes like like that and the times that we've gone to KFC and they've gone oh we've got no gravy left

and we've just reversed out of the drive goes in chaos as we go like we're only here for the gravy so yeah I hadn't even thought of that I just thought we'd have just normal like a best but yeah if I can have KFC gravy

on my roast dinner I'll be very happy indeed thank you and good suggestion I don't remember I don't think I even knew they did gravy I've not been to KFC KFC is weirdly one of those places where we always had McDonald's growing up but my mum was always like

for some reason she decided Fried Chicken was worse for you than burgers from McDonald's so it just wasn't part of my upbringing so I'd never really went there I think I've been there twice in my life and I had no idea they did gravy Ed got told off in the KFC once because he was filming his friend

and messing around and he was filming one of his mates and messing around and then the KFC staff told him off it was James, James was the friend well I don't know what happened me and James went to see the film Mother and then we went to the pub and we drank

a fair few pints I'd say James was hungry then we went to KFC and for some reason I decided I wanted to film James buying a KFC probably I'd imagine it was to send the video to Nish Kumar I've got no idea why I decided to do that

but just because it would make Nish laugh and the lady working behind the counter got really annoyed at me for filming and told me I had to stop filming and told me to delete the video I don't know what they're doing in there was she maybe someone who was formerly famous was it somebody from the band

Eternal it was actually now I'm thinking about it it was someone from the band Eternal but you weren't doing anything bad being mean about the brand or anything I was just very excited I hadn't had KFC in ages and I was very excited and I was going to get a Zinger Tower Burger

and a popcorn chicken and I was telling Ed all the way there how I used to always get Zinger Tower Burgers every Friday when I was in college with my friend Graham and we'd always go every Friday and the KFC in Northampton had

they would show extreme sports on the TV so me and Graham I used to get Tower Burgers and watch extreme sports in KFC every Friday lunchtime and I used to love it and I hadn't had one in so long I was like I can't wait to get this Ed and I think he was just like I can't believe how excited

my friend is to eat some southern fried chicken so I'm going to film it God who knew they were so cagey what are they hiding how do they make the gravy so your side dish yeah I'd like two side dishes if I may I would like chips

just because I would always order chips for the table but be really annoyed if anybody else ate any so I would order maybe three actually no let's have because I often order a side salad for sure I've done it loads

I'll order a pizza in a pizza express and I'll say oh I'll have a salad as well and they bring the salad and I don't even look at it and they take the salad away they often offer to sort of box it up and I'm like I didn't even want you to really bring it let alone take it home and you know take a valuable space in the fridge

but I won't order because that's a waste of time and effort I will have chips and I will have this is weird I will have a lasagna but not a frozen one which is a surprise I'm very specific when I order lasagna

I think lasagna is like apple pie it's like a restaurant on the quality of their simple dishes but with lasagna when you order lasagna if you haven't seen it on the way in like at a tea-based services where it's all laid out if you can't see into the kitchen

I always ask and when I've been with Sally Anne Hayward she always asks as well is it bubbling in a dish or piled high on a plate it's very specific it's hotter than the sun

it's been clearly just in an oven the sides are all burnt and it's just sloppy piled high on a plate what I want is you to have made a huge tray full of lasagna and you've cut me a square that's what I want

and I've had lasagna and chips at 11am at tea-based services before on the way back from Scotland and I cannot recommend it highly enough especially if there's some ducks piled high on a plate and some chips please so it's a sort of another meal

that's blatantly a second meal when you go to tea-based services and order lasagna and chips have they ever said, oh just side dishes today to be honest I'm not listening so maybe I see what you mean about the bubbling in a dish situation

I quite like the burnt bits around the outside but I'm very proud of my lasagna once a month I'll probably do a massive lasagna and we'll eat some of it and then freeze up portions of it through the rest of the month we're basically only eating lasagna here and I'll do a huge one

but then when it comes out really bubbling you've got to leave it to rest for at least 15 minutes so all the layers set up and it becomes a bit more solid because you want to see those layers and I put three meats in it which meats do you put in it? hold on, let's say if Sarah can guess the meats

well two of the meats I guess are the same but of different forms sausages and bacon yes it's a breakfast lasagna I mean I bet that exists somewhere sure it's sausage, bacon and black pudding that's what I have in my lasagna and just trotters on the side

I had and I mean I didn't expect to have this on Sunday brunch but like Sunday brunch serves a lot of good food when I've been on there and it is exciting but this one episode I did last time they had someone from Otolenghi

on and they made this lasagna that had prawns in it and it is one of the best things I've ever had it was absolutely amazing it was so good and I know you don't like seafood Sarah but this might win you over maybe

and the Otolenghi chefs might not take this as a compliment but they really they made it taste like prawn cocktail crisp lasagna that's what it tasted like see I like a prawn cocktail crisp but I think I assume that's just because of the sauce but see I don't eat prawns because there's a story in my family

this might put you off prawns sorry there's a story in my family and I think the story is that my grander once found a dead body on the beach and it had prawns coming out of the eyes I don't even know if it's true I don't even know if it's true

oh it's not no way there's no way that's true there's no way that's true oh yeah no idea that no other questions were asked about the dead body just did it have anything

eating its eyeballs at the time prawns got it prawns coming out of its eyes prawns coming out of its eyes brilliant and no one expected that if you're in a restaurant and you go I don't really like prawns they're expecting you to go

oh because of the poop down the back you go no grander found a dead body prawns coming out of its eyes always puts me off I'm not even sure if Gary knows that's true well he does now does now prawns coming out of the eyes

pork beef and pancetta by the way pork beef oh okay I would have guessed beef I've never tried making lasagna I'm not very adventurous when I cook because I assume I can't do it and yeah every time I make something

it's alright like it's never if I was on bake off I'd be the one where they're like oh it tastes really good but god it looks like shit there's no presentation skills at all but it would taste nice James was on on bake off where it didn't taste nice and looked like shit

I watched that clip they say that the flavour of the flapjacks is delicious and tastes great they were trying to make you feel better yes I was aware of that when I was asked to go on the bake off I said I was too scared and I said a little host

so they let me host I didn't know that was an option yeah it was then so I just got to judge everybody else's they've not asked me but I'm happy to say I would be on it host or I'll just be a runner on it whoever clears the stuff for me at the end

and just eat it all exactly I'll clean the balls with my tongue what sort of chips are we having are we having chip shop chips are we having french fries there's a place near us that Gary says do the best chips

he's ever had and they are nice I think they taste a bit like a Nando's chip so they're not skinny fries they're not greasy so maybe that sort of thing we often just have oven chips which some people don't think are technically chips

because they're not cooked in the same way as standard chips but I honestly I'm not really bothered as long as they're not I did have some in New York that were string fries and I didn't know what that meant and I ordered them and a ball came the sort of ball you would serve soup out of

if you had 12 people around like the gigantic ball it was full of the thinnest most pointless chips that didn't have any substance to them at all but because there was so many and I was on my own I had to sort of work my way through a good food just out of politeness

so not them but anything like a chunky chip right I would always go but see sometimes what happens when you order chunky chips in a restaurant is they do them like bloody jenga and you're supposed to be pleased that there's four no so a decent sized ball of decent sized chips also

I feel like I should have pointed out earlier on that I don't want anything coming to my table that I haven't ordered because I heard it when you get a tiny little canopy right at the start and they put it down and they don't tell you what's in it I probably won't like it and they won't bring you started until you've actually eaten it so we have to chuck it in

my handbag or take to the toilet whatever I have to do so I don't want any of that but I should have mentioned that before but yeah so a chunky chip rather than it's just another way to get salt in me really all these things I was trying to get more salt and butter in well you got your roast potatoes

you're following them up with some chips yeah well I mean there's very few things that are better than a double carb dinner triple carb sometimes we once ordered we ordered a Chinese and I had egg fried rice with chicken and spring onion

and ginger type of thing and we also we'd forgotten to well we got a garlic bread out the freezer so we had a garlic bread yeah exactly and then we got some salt and pepper chips as well and it was a triple carb dinner and you know it was incredible

I mean it wasn't as good as our wedding day but it was a close second time when you said it was from a Chinese place it was triple carb dinner I was expecting for on toast and I remember oh no because they came out of a dead man's eyes you know when you're little

and your mum tells you so if I ever like licked a coin my mum would always say don't lick that you know if you're really little and you're playing with things and she said because it's been in old men's pockets so money's always been in an old man's pocket and prones have always been in a dead man's eyes

that's the classic saying you know like everybody says yep this is of course the Christmas special Sarah and obviously a cider lasagna screams Christmas but we should also we should also ask you

what's in your dream Christmas meal so what do you love to eat every Christmas or do you sometimes feel forced into eating self by tradition and what would you like to eat instead because I feel forced because I'm 45 and there's a year

where you just go no I'm not going to eat anything that I don't like anymore and also a thing that we always do is we'll have separate dishes with everything in so you can choose how much or how little and that comes from Gary's childhood when you were told

you could only have three roast potatoes because there was only a certain amount each so we always overcook for Christmas and then we have double dinners and we don't eat exactly the same dinner without any of the preparation so you always overcook but it always gets used so I would have

the same chicken roast potatoes in Yorkshire Puddin but I would add many many vegetables so some examples I would like some sprouts now Marks and Spencer's used to do easy sprouts where they were all prepared and they put a little bit of bacon

or pancetta or something like that in with them as well and now they've added chestnuts don't like chestnuts so now I just have to have boiled it doesn't occur to me to be like just put them in some pancetta or just like no I just have them boiled it's fine the choices are not Marks and Spencer's do it for me

or I just have the ones I hate I do I love sprouts but you have to consider your partner and he doesn't like sprouts at all and I will eat the full bag and whatever doesn't get eaten at lunchtime I'll eat the rest while watching telly cold in a bowl

he's trying to write crikey it is horrific of all the things I eat that is the worst has the worst after effects and I don't mind because I find the smell of my own farts quite comforting it means things are moving through

you know there's no clockages and so I would have a lot of sprouts and also I think the main difference between a roast and a Christmas dinner is that we probably have it at a table which I thought we would normally eat everything on trays on the sofa and also there's a turnip now this is confusing

so turnip to me is the big orange one whereas that's swede to everybody else and then the little white one is what I would call swede which is horrible tastes like poison so I would have the turnip

that we used to get at a place called the sea hotel in south shields that I don't know what they put in it but I've never been able to replicate it or find it and I haven't had that for 30 or maybe 35 years so if you could maybe track

whoever was the chef then and find out what they put in it I'd have that please and I'd have parsnips now when Gary does the parsnips for Christmas he'll do them long and thin because he doesn't like them to look like roast potatoes because he calls them the devil's potatoes

because he doesn't like parsnips and if you think you're having a roast potato it turns out to be parsnip it's a terrible day so I would have honey roast parsnips I'd have honey roast carrots just a way to get honey in my system

these are all just spoons to me so a lot of veg the Yorkshire puddin's just the same but I might have a choice of meats like we were at a carvery maybe like a Christmas ham maybe a Christmas ham probably not turkey because we have chicken instead of turkey

turkey is dry and giant and there's only two of us so we would just have Gary's special chicken and I think that's and yeah like serviettes I bought napkins once and then I forgot that you're supposed to wash them and put them back in the drawer and I just bin them

I'm so used to like throw away napkins and not napkins, serviettes just the paper once and I was like oh put them in the bin and then I was like oh I was supposed to wash them and put them back in a drawer and obviously your crackers and your hats you've got to keep your hat on for the duration of the meal that's the rule and the Christmas dessert

so this year we have a choice of two now when people come around we always have to have Christmas puddin which I am it's alright I'll eat it if it's there, I'm not going to turn it down but it doesn't excite me so this year we've got because it's just two of us and we don't have to prepare for anybody else

we have a choice of two desserts we have a viennetta classic and mint viennetta well quite the spread really something for everyone oh, freezer surprise indeed well it means we've had them in for months

we're smug as fuck about what we're putting on for Christmas they're just happily just getting harder and harder in the freezer and I think for a drink for Christmas I don't really drink booze very often but I think I would have, wait I always used to make a thing called ginger wine which is non-alcoholic

and you get ginger compound from like boots or some way and you do it in a massive cauldron with boiling water or freshly boiled water and it's just a nice Christmasy drink that you wouldn't have the rest of the year but it's basically got like three pound of sugar stirred into it as well

because I only have that at Christmas it feels like a Christmasy drink even though I don't really drink booze very much I feel like I should tell you that that ginger wine recipe is more complicated if not more complicated than just roasting your own sprouts and not having to boil them maybe this year I'll try it

with a little bit of panchetta and I'll let you know how it goes check it in there you're quite busy most of Christmas Day right because you do the join in thing on Twitter where are you finding time to do all that cooking and stuff well so Christmas Day is the kitchen is Gary's domain

because we've got the choice between me cooking and I'm all right and I'm not great but I'm all right I think it's more lack of confidence I think it's some people just think oh I can probably make that and some people think oh I definitely can't make that

and I'm one of those even though our skill level is probably about the same but Gary thinks he can do everything and I think I probably can't and I'm more of a baker I do bake a lot and I'm more of a baker than a cook so he does Christmas because we've got the choice between either he can help the lonely people

and to be in the kitchen while I am sensitive on the internet also if I'm lonely on Christmas Day the last thing I want is Gary's aloney throwing a zinger at me yeah Gary Delaney Gary Delaney throwing dark puns my way oh well I was feeling bad and then Gary

tweeted me this bleak one liner luckily Sarah's here telling me about prawns coming out of a dead man's eye feeling much happier I was worried that telling you that would put you both off prawns but it's just put you both off me so joinin is a thing that I do on Twitter it's our 10th year this year

which is madness and it's just if anybody wants to use it just join twitter for the day if you're not on it and you just use the hashtag joinin which is capital J capital I which I've learned fairly recently means that the software that blind people use

can get involved as well rather than what I assume just reads as which is clearly French for something so they can either follow the hashtag or they can just tweet and put the hashtag in it and then people will see that and it's just for people who feel like they want some company and I suspect this year it might be

even more than ever because a lot of people are more people will be on their own you know through no choice of their own and I'm well aware that there are some people who have Christmas on their own and have the life of Riley and good looks at them just wandering out with no bra on and they have the whole day and I mean that's incredible that sounds like they're having the best Christmas to me

but it's just for people who are either with family and feel a bit out of sorts or they're on their own and would rather not be and you can just dip in and out all day some people just come on in the morning for an hour some people are there all day we have nice conversations and I just sit on my iPad on the sofa

all day basically about 8 or 9 hours I'm on the internet and it is at times heart breaking and brutal through the people telling you what they've been through in the last year and why they feel so low and then other times it's just hilarious

and the whole way through it's so heart warming because it's just people lifting other people up and because we've been going so long often it's people who've been helped in previous years coming back on to kind of cheer up the people who might feel low this year so it's glorious and it's it's the only good thing I do

don't do anything else that's really of note it's really nice to be involved in such a lovely thing have you ever had any of the people on there say like oh for the last 10 years I've spent Christmas on my own because my wife is in the living room on her iPad and I'm making a roast

in the kitchen and then they just do a bleak pun and I'm like Gary is that you the pun gave me away as always anyway I'm flipping it onto it back now I shouldn't have said that

she's gonna lead me so we come on to your dream drink when does the drink come, is it throughout or is it at the end with the puddin or whenever you like I'm tempted to have a cup of tea maybe a pot of tea

it's a dream restaurant two cups if I could have a mug and a pot that's the ultimate isn't it, what are those nice ceramic mugs that people take comfort it's not ceramic what's the word it's not ceramic what's the word, enamel one of those nice enamel mugs that people take comfort

let's have one of those and just normal builders tea with sugar that I don't have to ask for oh I'm sorry I like sugar still I know it's not fashionable I know you probably take cocaine and you don't like sugar do you fucks sake

I've been criticized so many times I once had some friends too when I lived in Manchester flat and they were comics working nearby and I was like come and stay with me one of the sofa one in the spare bedroom excellent and I decided because I had friends round I opened a package of chocolate

fingers for breakfast and one of them absolutely pulled me apart and really tore a strip off me bearing in mind she was staying in my flat free of charge and I'd reminded her how many pints of alcohol she went to work that night I was like fuck off with your biscuit in criticism

and I always fire back with alcohol because I don't really drink and I think biscuits are my drink biscuits are my drink please is that going to be your choice for a drink a cup of biscuits biscuits are my drink I might just have that on a t-shirt I'm going to have a cup of tea with my

dessert that's my favourite part of the meal is dessert and that's the time I'm going to take the most time over that bit so a nice pot of tea at the same time would be lovely thank you then that leads us to what the dessert is then because it's going with a cup of tea it's very exciting

I know it's not going to be a cheese board because all those people have got IBS so the dessert it's a version of what they do when a pub near us which is a platter and it is four or five small versions

of dessert because I can't just choose one I could have just chosen desserts for in every course but I know that wouldn't have been played in the game so on the dessert platter which is just for one it's not a platter to share or if it is I'm ignoring that there is

a small sticky toffee pudding with a tiny one of those tiny jugs of custard one of those there's a chocolate tort a very thin sliver because it's very rich and will give you a gout and I'm on the border and a pavlova

now I made a passion fruit pavlova once and I sent a photo because I didn't it didn't look right it was brown and they're supposed to be white and I sent a picture to Nigella Lawson and she said what does it taste like and I said it tastes alright and she went that's alright then and I was like oh yeah

just if you've got access to Nigella Lawson so a small passion fruit pavlova so I'm getting the crunch I'm getting the soft I'm getting the tart and then my favourite bit of all of it will be something that I've had in a restaurant in London do you know Bob Bob Ricard's

I do know Bob Bob Ricard I've been there two or three times to say it's an absolutely amazing experience it's an amazing experience and my favourite thing that you might not know about Bob Bob Ricard's is that it is owned and this is not an advert but it is owned by two men and they're called Bob and Ricard

and Bob put twice as much money in as Ricard that's why it's called Bob and I heard this as a rumour and the last time I went in I asked a member of staff and he said yes it's true and I love that Bob Bob Ricard is the restaurant that's done out

like the Orient Express inside it's an incredible looking restaurant it's a phenomenal decor and they're very famous for the press for champagne button all the tables have like a doorbell that say press for champagne and I've done it, I think we've talked about this before

you press it and a waiter comes over and says would you actually like some champagne because people just press that and then they don't want champagne and we go yes we would like some champagne you order the champagne then he goes away and gets it's just the normal ordering process with one extra trip for the waiter involved

but because I did that I pressed it and when they came over I said no I don't really want this I thought it was going to be lured in a glass you know there's going to be a lot more chitty chitty bang bang than it actually was so the pudding I've had in there which is incredible

is a strawberry and cream souffle now a souffle is something I would never try because it's probably really complicated but it won't come up and blah blah blah and it's in a small dish you don't need loads because it's very rich and they come over and the first time they did it I was really offended

and then I realised that's just what they do at the top with the teaspoon the waiter does any pause more gloop strawberry and cream gloop in sight and I have always every time I've been to Bob Bob Records that's what I'll have and the last time I went with my friend

comedian Hailey Ellis she said oh it looks like a fleshlight now which for anybody who doesn't know what a fleshlight is it's a fanny and a can it's a fan can and it does because it's pink and it's got a hole in the top made from the spoon

so even though it looks like a fleshlight and I can't now get that out of my mind I still would prefer to have a small version of that on my dessert platter please it's making my mouth go there's another dessert in Bob Bob record that I think about a lot which is like a chocolate sphere

it just arrives and it's a chocolate sphere and the waiter comes and pours hot chocolate sauce in it which melts the chocolate sphere into almost nothing and then there's like an incredible dessert in the middle of it like little passion fruit things talking about flamboyant puddings I once went to

the Savoy Grill with lovely Tom Allen and I said to him can we get a quiet table in the corner just because I'm not great at being recognised and I was like let's go a quiet table so we got a quiet table in the corner he arranged it he rang up in advance to say make sure it's in the corner we got a quiet table in the corner

and then he ordered a crib Suzette came to the table and set it on fire and everybody looked and went and it was a beautiful moment watching Tom it just lit up by flames going I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry I didn't want to draw this much attention to you and could you blow the French horn while we have that and then you said little tip for your Tom little show of his tip if they ever asked you to compete on Bake Off here's what you do avoid avoid avoid

so we've got sticky toffee pudding Pavlova the flashlight dessert as it should always be known I've never really been a fan of sticky toffee pudding because my granddad found a body on the beach and had sticky toffee pudding coming out of its eyes do you know what

if I was walking down a beach and I saw a dead body that had sticky toffee pudding coming out of its eyes I can't promise I wouldn't eat that I'll take you Tom get me a small jug of custard and then phone the police in about half an hour oh god I'm going to read your order back to you now Sarah

see how you feel about it water you would like tap water if alone which you are with a pianist who's quite distant from you you said white crusty bread without any bits with butter with salt on top starter two Gregg's pasties either sausage bean and cheese

warm or corned beef and potato cold main course Gary Delaney's roast chicken and roast potatoes with your own Yorkshire puddings and KFC gravy side dish and this is absolutely scandalous there's only a piled high on a plate

and chips for Christmas you would also like the same roast dinner but you would like some ham some sprouts honey roast parsnips and carrots dessert vianetta

and drink ginger wine your drink for your dream meal and I can't say it an enamel mug full of tea with sugar to go along with your dessert platter of sticky toffee pudding with custard chocolate tour, passion fruit pavlova

and Bob Bob Ricard's strawberry and cream souffle forward slash flesh light oh my god when you listen like that it sounds incredible of all the times that we've had people try and hack off menu to try and have more than one meal in it I think you're the person who's absolutely nailed that

thanks I had two mains and about five desserts what you've done is you've taken the name off menu to mean that you have the full menu of any restaurant all menu I'm on a different podcast called all menu thank you so much Sarah

that's a delicious meal and have a merry Christmas merry Christmas Sarah merry Christmas Sarah Miller can there with a very festive all menu so good so delicious madness that she doesn't like cheese

but had lasagna and a sausage bean and cheese melt so had loads of cheese in the menu sure, yeah it's in there just unaware of it snuck in I think she just doesn't like raw cheese right because lasagna is the ultimate cheesy treat in my mind

melted cheese loves it cold cheese hates it fair enough and she didn't have bubblegum so thank the lord for that thank you for no bubblegum hot or cold hot or cold she didn't have a sneaky bit of hot bubblegum in the middle of the lasagna or we don't know Gary might be putting bubblegum

under the chicken skin it might put hot bubblegum in the chicken skin Sarah absolutely loves it we don't know what was in that chicken we've got no idea it's a secret chicken don't forget you can go and see Sarah on tour she's doing her show Bobby Dazzler from May

Bob Bobby Dazzler Bob and Bobby put way more money in than Dazzler so you can get tickets for that sarahmillican.co.uk I am reliably sure she is going everywhere in the UK about three times each yes and also just hanging

around tea base services you'll probably see her there as well you will indeed with her support at Sally Anne Hayward and you know how they'll be having their lasagna high on on a plate please high on on a plate please Ed we've been sent a bunch of food right yeah we have been sent lots of food

high on on a plate we've been sent babka from the good egg the good egg is a wonderful restaurant which I've frequented there's one in Kingly Court there's one in Stoke Newington babka is a special sweet chocolate bread and they've sent us that and an array of other stuff

and when that arrived that was a good day for me James congratulations I didn't happen to me oh yeah well there you go apparently I said I didn't want it what the fuck is your problem well I think I didn't know what babka was because now I've heard it sounds delicious it's it was the best I think it's the best thing we've ever been sent

oh well you can change that weave to an eye there was a massive chocolate babka they sent us three many different flavored babkas and a Christmas babka and a cap that says in the boys to men logo but it says boys to mench that is cool I missed

out I missed out I missed up there that look mate signature brew wonderful brewery sent us some cans including their dark and esteemed festive ale delicious lover love an ale big shout out to the Fuffler

the Fuffle man we mentioned the Fuffles on Wyatt Sennax episode and thank you so much of you got in touch with the Fuffle man and you ordered your Fuffles and that he's a he got a small business a small one-man business and in 2020 that really did him a massive

favor so well done I hope you all enjoy your Fuffles just as much as we did delicious the mint chocolate Fuffle are I was eating it like like cake icing which is an acastor saying for I don't know it yeah I was eating it like cake icing which no one else

but yeah absolutely delicious appreciate that we should say at Christmas if small food businesses need your custom so hunt out some of your favorite small independent traders and an order from them for Christmas speaking of which

my own sister has started up a wonderful bakery called Fab Jack's Bakery if you live in the Northamptonshire area you can order some flapjacks to be delivered and we've talked about in this episode my nightmare with flapjacks when I went on the Great British Bake Off

so I am proud as punch for my sister is now starting her own bakery that specializes in flapjacks Fab Jack's Bakery you can find it on Facebook and order yourself some flapjacks around the Christmas season or indeed into the new year I'm very proud of her

and I'm very excited the Fab Jack's motto should be don't worry it doesn't run in the family that should be it it's not genetic James got sent some kombucha as well which sounded delicious I did very nice

kombucha from Living Drinks Company and I just had a fiery ginger one very tasty and also we got some lovely snacks from well and truly so look we've been well looked after this Christmas yes thank you so much to all those people all of it was delicious and you know

I wouldn't turn down some more send it straight to Benito straight to Benito let him basically what happens in this relationship is we get food and Benito gets admin yep that's the way we like it thank you very much for listening and thank you very much for listening this year

to the Off Menu podcast we'll be back with another series very soon but for now thank you very much for listening we hope you have a nice festive period whatever you may be doing eat something nice treat yourself but for now bye bye and yum yum

tidings of comfort and joy and food hello I'm your dad's friend who's Santa's and I've launched a new podcast called cuddle club it's better than it sounds actually I talked to a special guest about cuddling there's not another

podcast on cuddling I thought to myself guests include Katherine Ryan Richard Osman and Alan Davies it's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones because it's actually free to download I'd love you to listen but you're going to be the loser if you don't

it's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling it's business gone crazy it's available on Apple Podcasts of course it is a cast yes Spotify wherever you get your podcast subscribe now please don't do it absolute dick piece

hello it's me Amy Glendale you might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where sports and mum and Astra about seaweed on mashed potato our relationship's never been the same since and I am joined by

me Ian Smith I would probably go bread I'm not going to spoil in case get him on James and Ed but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing it's called northern news it's about all the news stories

that we've missed out from the north because look we're two northerners sure but we've been living in London for a long time the new stories are funny quite a lot of them crimes it's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called northern news we'd love you to listen to

maybe we'll get my mum on get Glendale's mum on every episode that's northern news when's it out Ian it's already out now Amy is it yeah get listening there's probably a backlog you've left it so late