Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 90: Paul Scheer

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

Actor, comedian and ‘How Did This Get Made?’ podcaster Paul Scheer – and a mystery healthy old man – join Ed and James in the dream restaurant this week. This episode was recorded in LA, pre-pandemic, when we had our regular lives.Listen to Paul’s podcast ‘How Did This Get Made?’ at www.hdtgminfo.comFollow Paul on Twitter and Instagram @paulscheerBig thanks to Earwolf for the studio space!Recorded by Devon Bryant at Earwolf. Edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? And don't forget, after you've listened to it, you've got to let this podcast rest to get the full, juicy listening flavour. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast with me, Ed Gamble. And me, James A. Castor, if you please. Yes, I do please. Thank you very much. I am pleased because this is a food podcast where we ask a special guest there. And our special guest this week is Paul Shear. Paul Shear is a brilliant writer, actor, improviser, podcaster. Just all rounder across the board, I first saw Paul Shear in the league.

A sitcom called The League. It's very funny, isn't it? He's brilliant. And I'm so delighted to have him on the podcast today. He was in a sketch show called Human Giant that I've been a fan of for many, many years. He's in most stuff that you will have seen. Yeah, you'll know, Paul Shear. Come on. You will. And he does a brilliant podcast called How Did This Get Made with June Diane Rayfield and Jason Manzukas, where they watch a terrible film every week. And it is fantastic. Still, if Paul Shear says a secret ingredient this week, then we might have to rename this podcast How Did This Guy Get Kicked Out of the Dream Restaurant.

Yeah, that's a great title, actually, man. Yeah, pretty good title, actually. And this week, the secret ingredient is... Liquid smoke. Liquid smoke, often added to sort of barbecue situations where you don't have a proper smoker. And man, it's so easy to overdo it. I've used it before and it does not taste good, because it turns out we're not magicians. You can't put smoke into liquid. No, well, me and you aren't magicians. The great bonito is he might be able to do it, but like most people are not magicians that cannot handle the liquid smoke. You're a genie, though. I'm a genie, but it's real smoke every time.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. You've never done liquid smoke out there. No, never have, never will. So hopefully Paul Shear will not say that, otherwise he will be removed from the Dream Restaurant. We're in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah, we're in LA as well. That's where we interviewed Paul at the Ear Wolf Studios. So, you know, there might be a few LA references. Sure, there'll be an LA riff. This was one of the ones that we got to record, and the great bonito was through the other side of the glass, looking in like a record producer. Yeah, he's not in the same room as us, which is nice. I can't hear him and be like...

But every so often, you do look through the glass and you sort of see the shadowy face of bonito frowning and shaking his head. Yeah, you can see his breath against the glass where he's gone... No, I don't like that. It's like an early bit of Jurassic Park. Yeah, he's shaking his head. No, no, I'm going to have to get rid of that. So, here is the off-menu menu of Paul's Share. Welcome, Paul, to the Dream Restaurant. I am so excited to be here, and it's very hard to get reservations here, but I, you know, I figured I used my points from Open Table. I was able to get in. Have you ever used those points from Open Table?

Like, I feel like... Do you have Open Table? Yeah, we've got Open Table. I've only noticed the points recently have absolutely no idea what they do. I'm accruing them, and to what end? I don't know. I feel like it's like a video game with, like, it's like, I have all these coins. How would I ever spend them? I'm surprised, and I know they've started these a couple of times, these like restaurant apps where you pay to get a reservation. Yes. And I'm down... I'm kind of down for that because of my last-minute planning. I'm like, let's do it. I don't mind playing a premium for that kind of stuff. I like the idea of someone of people being punished for canceling late as well. Oh, yeah. I don't like people canceling late. No. Or at least have the wherewithal

to call and cancel late, but at least cancel. Just don't not show up. No show. Yeah. Because then you should be publicly shamed. Absolutely. Oh, sorry. I would agree. Yeah. Sorry. The genie was just setting his lamp there, listening to that happen. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I was listening to it going, but I was like, oh, this late talk, and I feel like I'm a bit late to the podcast. I haven't even called ahead and canceled. I really jumped in on my open table stuff, so I apologize. I apologize. I was sitting in the lamp thinking, what's open table? What have people been talking about? I think I've used open table before. Yeah, you would have done. You would have done. But no one's ever used those points. No one knows. No, I don't know what those

points are getting me. I don't know why I'm trying to get them. You know, at one point, I made sure that I checked in, but they didn't check me in, and I was like, no, no, I was at that reservation. I need those points. You know, because I thought that open table, it kind of works like Uber or Lyft, where if you don't show up enough, you get like a bad rating. Yeah, sure. Or if you don't tip enough. Oh, geez. Yeah, that'd be good. So the points had up underneath of you know what you're gathering the points for? No, I just know I got points. But you've got points. I mean, I should look at how many points I have right now at open table. I probably have a... One day it's going to make a point. Yeah, maybe it's for like a future war or something. Yeah. Yeah, if we're going to be

ranked. Yeah, we will have all of our points and look at it like, yeah, I've got a hundred plus points. Some restaurants have extra points like I don't know what those points are about. Oh, right now I've earned 1,100 points. Wow. That feels like a lot of points. Yeah, I have 89 reservations. I did four reviews. I don't know what the reviews were that I did, but I don't even know it says next reward at 2,000. I don't even know what the reward is. So you're on 1,000 something? Yeah, I'm on track to unlock the 2,000 point mark. But again, it doesn't look... Oh, I guess I can get $20 off on a hotel. Oh, so that's what your first reward was. My first reward is $20 in hotel savings from Kayak, which is not even a hotel. It's like one of those like chains where you just go there

and you build like, I need to travel from here to here. What's the cheapest flight? Like, yeah. So that's $20 off. But if I spend 900 more points, I'll get $40 off on hotel. And then if I do 900 more points, that's when I'm going to get $20 off of dinner. And then if I spend 900 more than that, $10 off Amazon. These are not great rewards. Let me tell you, I'm on 2,200 points. So I can tell you what's happening up here, up here in the 2,000 mark. Absolutely nothing. I've done 66 bookings. I'm on 2,200. Eight reviews, but I don't remember leaving reviews. Are they reviews of me? Well, that's... I don't remember leaving any reviews. I hope they're reviews of you. It's absolute pig. It's the first review. I want to hear them immediately.

Eats with his mouth open. Are they reviews that you've left with the restaurants? No, because I don't remember. I don't leave reviews for restaurants. Neither do I. I don't... The only time I do it is when I'm guilted into it by a place that I enjoy. There's a dry cleaner by my house, and they made a very impassioned plea, like, can you please review us on Yelp? And then I'm like, I'm a dick if I don't do that. So I have a fake name on Yelp. Now we're jumping apps. But on Yelp, I have a fake name and a fake picture. And I review there. It's still Paul, but it's a different last name. But it's an older man with a beard. Cheersing a green drink. Like, he has a green drink like that. I love that. It's my profile pic. And then I will leave

a nice review. But then whenever I finish it, they're like, longer, please. And I'm like, long. I've given it to you. I've given you the rating. I told you it was good. Like, what? Why do I need to get in? Like, I have to write an article? Do you write the review? Is that sort of what you think in the reviews, or is it what the healthy old man thinks? No, it is. Yes. No, I am. My character work does not go that deep on Yelp. I wish it to go. I should. It should be the old man. Healthy old man. Yeah, healthy old man. He'd get like a running story with him as well. Like, you know, he's married in the first one, but marriage falls apart gradually with all these reviews. I used to go here with my wife.

It should maybe even be a little bit more like bizarre. Like my wife was killed in a jet ski accident. Like, you know, there's a bizarre way that she was murdered. Maybe I did it. I think it has to end up that you did it. It's kind of like the jinx. So by the end, it's like, yeah, you accidentally confessed. I did it. I did it all. I did it all. Yeah. And anyway, this is the best place to get your auto, your oil changed. So we always start with still sparkling water in the dream restaurant. Do you have a preference? I do. I do indeed. I am a sparkling water person, especially if I'm going to the dream restaurant. I want a nice sparkling water. Yeah. And I want the, the bubbles to be potent. I don't

want like this. I feel like there is sometimes at these restaurants, they have sparkling water that doesn't feel like it's, it's really like, I need, I need some carbonation in there. That's what I'm asking. Yeah. You don't want lazy bubbles. Yeah. The lazy bubble stuff is like sometimes you get naturally sparkling water, which is super lazy bubbles. They don't want that. Almost. You shouldn't really be calling that sparkling water. No. Angry still, you should be calling that. It should be, it should be like a kids science experiment coming over to my table. I want to be bubbling up, put a lemon in it. Let's do this people. Come on. Do you want it sort of coming out of a volcano? Like it's a proper kids science experiment. I mean, look, I would like a volcano

at the table. Sure. I could just drink out of the volcano. Yeah. A big tiki drink. We could do that for you. We could do a sparkling water volcano to kick off on me on style. What do you think, and I will be asking this for every question, the healthy old man would want? The healthy old man would definitely want, I mean, he would do still because the bubbles make him a little, you know, the interjections. Yeah. And they remind him of when his wife's last breath from under the sea. Let me ask you guys this question. I watched her go down. I wish I knew how to swim. I wish. I just didn't know. But then there's a picture that comes out where I was swimming. I was actually a swimming champion and a child. My story doesn't fit. What do you think about restaurants that

bottle their own water? Because I've noticed a trend here in LA and actually in New York as well, where they have a dispenser, almost like their own soda stream, if you guys are familiar with that. But there, and I kind of, I like that. I don't need to have a bottle, like a giant bottle open, because then I feel pressure. Then they're pouring me that thing all the time. And then I just want to drink with reckless abandon. I don't know why sparkling water is held to a higher state. It's not like anything's in there, but yet I'm paying a premium for this. So you want the tap, you want like a sparkling water tap, basically? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And is that free when they have that?

Yes, it is. Free sparkling water. Yeah, because it's just water. It just has a little CO2 in it. Again, we're not, but let's, you know, we're going out to eat. You can spare the CO2. Yeah. It's just water, just with a fancy hat on. Yeah, exactly. Is that something you'd like in your house as well? You know, I had a soda stream in my house and I used it a lot. I didn't make soda. I don't, that doesn't seem appealing to me to make my own soda. I'm not,

I'm not getting into that game. I just want to give me the sparkling water. I felt a lot of control over it. I could, I could ramp it up the way I wanted. And then, you know, and I had an errand to do, then I'd have to take that canister out, bring it to a local like stationary store, because the oddest places replace that CO2 cartridge. I'm like, go to Staples. I'm like, all right, here I'm going to buy computer paper and return a CO2 cartridge. But yeah. So you liked it because it added an errand to your day. Oh yeah. Come on, like it gives me a reason to get out of the house. I'm working for this soda.

Did you ever like offer it to friends when they come over to you? Joe, would you want some sparkling water for my soda stream? No, because you know what? I drank it like a savage, an absolute savage, because they would give you a bottle of it and then, you know, a bottle and then you would put that bottle in, you'd screw it in, you pressed on the button and it gets all fizzy. And I would never pour that bottle into a glass. No, I just drink right out of that bottle. That bottle is like mine now. So, you know, I respect the people who come over to my house enough to be like, that bottle has like literally been in my mouth. That's like, that is literally my bottle.

From my mouth to the soda stream, I'm back again. It's never been washed. So maybe you should have like maybe had a guest bottle, but yeah, I know. That was a private thing. A private bottle, yeah. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Oh, yeah. You know what? I would like, I mean, the bread that I like the most is a very fluffy, hot, salty bread. Like, oh, like, you know, like something that feels like it's like, they're bringing it to the table, covered up. You're ready to go. You know, it's, it's so hot that you may even be like, oh, you know, it's giving me a little bit of that.

Because you need that because it's got to melt the butter because I don't have time to sit here and do all that work either. And that butter better not be refrigerated. Like, let's bring that, bring it in a butter bell or whatever you're going to do. I need that to be ready to go. I like the guy who comes over with the presentation of the bread. I'll take any kind of bread. I like something a little, you know, but I like that, like, kind of sweet, the simple, just like, kind of salt, butter out of the oven bread. And you want the bread to be covered when it arrives. So you want a bit of theater to have it unveiled? I need to, I need to see the curtains open. Like, this is the first, like, look, you know,

look, I'm going out for the night, entertain me, reveal the bread to me. Because I know, you know, it's like, when it just dumped the table, dropped off like a, like a kid at preschool. It's like, I don't, that's no fun in that you have no joy in it. I want the person to be like, I'm the bread guy. Like, that's all I do. Like, I'm like the Somalia, but for bread. And I see that guy around and I'm like, and he comes back around like, do you want more of that raisin bread? Yeah, I do. Come on. Maybe I'll try a different one this time. Like, I like a restaurant with a designated bread man. So how is he dressed? How is the bread man dressed? Well, I mean, look, you know,

this is the best restaurant ever. I mean, like, part of me, I have an affinity. Like, I do, um, high brow, low brow. That's my, my, that's, that's my, where, like, where I live. So I could describe a place to you that looks like, you know, the planet Mars, there's a place in New York City called Mars 2112, that you would get in a space shuttle, and then it would rickety rock around and you would open the doors and open up and you were in Mars and you ate on Mars. Is that real place? Oh yeah, Mars 2112. It was a real place for quite some time. It's no longer there. And, and, and I'm like, oh, I'm all like, I am all in for an experience like that, like rainforest cafe. Let me have fish flying around and monkeys swinging

from the, like, but then I also respect a lovely austere, like fine dining, like just beautifully done. But if it is, you know, because I've been thinking about the show, this is not my last meal. This is just a meal, right? Just a meal. So then I would say, I would like at least one animatronic element there. You know, I don't need it to be overwhelming, but you know, it might, might be something fun, like on the way to the bathroom, there's an animatronic man there, you know, like a bathroom attendant or something like that. You know, so I would like this restaurant to have a level of decorum that doesn't feel like I'm going to feel uncomfortable that I'm underdressed, but I would want somebody to come and come to the table, like not in a,

you know, not in a t-shirt and jeans. You know, let's step it up. Let's respect these. So would you like the bread guy to be like Michael Sheen's character in Passengers? Well, you know, that is a great reference to exactly what I was thinking. You know, I mean, look, I also feel like at restaurants, I don't see it enough, a jaunty hat. I feel like no one in restaurants, no servers wear hats. And it feels to me, that would be the best thing to wear if you're in a restaurant because your hair is going to get in this food anyway. Like we should be bringing hats to restaurants. Bring the hat back.

Bring the hat back. You know, I'm not saying wearing a baseball cap, I'm saying wearing a nice, like if you came to my table and you're a way to wear a fedora, I'm like, I respect you because you respect your job. Like why are people in the kitchen got to wear a fucking hat, but you're carrying my food arguably in the most traumatic moments here, like for the kitchen out, you can't control anything. We're hats. Yeah, most in our life. Are we reclaiming the fedora from pickup artists? Yeah. I want a fedora, I want a Kangol, put on some sort of hat, you know, something jaunty and

lovely. So the bread guy's got a hat on. It's jaunty, he reveals the bread. You mentioned curtains, I think you were talking metaphorically, but we can put the bread behind some little. I mean, of course, I mean, like we're talking like, I don't mind, I went to a wedding one time, and it was one of the best weddings. I grew up in Long Island, which is a suburb of New York City, and I'm trying to think of like what Long Island is. It's a little, it's a little trashy. You guys have that Geordie Shore, right? Like it has like elements of like that, right? So, and so we are at this place called Russo's on the Bay, and one of the best experiences

I've ever had at this wedding. First of all, the bride and groom came up through glass elevators from the floor. What? Yeah, that was amazing. Were you at Prince's wedding? I mean, this was, I mean, this is the level of like, it's, it's, it was cheesy enough to be like lovely and also like, yeah. And then, and then they also had like video monitors around the entire place. So they had a camera running at the whole time. So you're like,

just check in with the video monitors. But one of the best moments was, you know, you're eating, they had a beautiful buffet to start. They had a great meal. But at the end, you're like, oh, I guess dessert's coming. The lights went dim. And then all of a sudden this voice comes on. It was, ladies and gentlemen, Russo's on the Bay would like to introduce you to your dessert. And then all the walls open like kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk, kunk. Like they, like they were on spinners. And then you opened your world until like a Willy Wonka chocolate factory where there was like a doughnut machine. I swear to God, there were sparklers coming out of the chocolate fountain. I was like, holy shit. And then you walked into that room

and they gave you a box, a bakery box, and you filled it up with whatever you wanted to take home because it wasn't wedding cake. You had the wedding cake at the table. This is just extra food for you to take home. I wish I'd been there so bad. You would have, but you would have died of a heart attack if that had happened. Yeah. Yeah. You just described my dream. That is like, I fantasize about that every day. It is, there is nothing more fulfilling to me than an amazingly well done like buffet, like a buffet in the sense of like multiple tables. And I want a high end buffet. I want like there's people working. There's things going on. It's not like the one that's just like out and just sitting. Like this place had a doughnut maker.

The guy's making his own doughnuts. You know, the Four Seasons in Las Vegas has a great breakfast buffet only on Sundays. And it's very much like that. Perfect. Really well done. Really well. But do they announce all the courses like a wrestler? No, I mean, that's, I mean, that's, I mean, that's how you get that in Long Island. I love, I love the courses being announced. Should we announce all the courses like that? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, your bread. And maybe, maybe they, maybe they also introduce it like it's like, like it has some sort of like buildup, like you've seen this bread started out as a semolina out in the fields of so and so. And then it met its partner in butter. This buddy. Well, in that case, Paul Shear, please welcome your

starter. Okay. So I thought about this. There's a handful of things that we're talking about. And I was like, well, what is considered a good starter? You know, and I'm trying to figure out, oh, where do I go? I, I lean generally towards seafood that that is something like when I, like if I'm doing like a perfect meal on, so you're going to see elements of that, but I wanted to kind of also pull away from that. I want to tell you, I'm just going to give you a couple of things about me just so you know. Yeah. I'm primarily pescatarian, but if a good piece of meat or something comes by, I'm, I'm all in. And so I was the first wrestling with my starter being this thing that I love from John and Vinnie, which is a restaurant out here, an amazing

restaurant. They're so good that John and Vinnie's does LA to New York, the flight, the food on the flights from LA to New York on Delta out here. And their airline food is delicious. Oh, I can't wait to be on that flight because John and Vinnie's does it. It's so good. And so John and Vinnie's so good. And I was thinking about, Oh, I love everything they do there, but they have this amazing bruschetta on a big, you know, on a big, thick piece of toast with, basically, I'm going to, I wrote it down. So I wanted to make sure I didn't mess it up because this is a, you know, I don't want to mess up. But now as I'm saying this, it's not my pick because I've already had the bread, but I'll quickly get through this. And then, but here it is.

This is ricotta, orange blossom honey and sesame seed. And it's really delicious. Wow. It really like a very different way to do like a bruschetta, not like a, you know, this is like a really orange blossom honey. So good. And I was like, Oh, that would be delicious. But then I realized maybe what I do is go decadent. And I went to a restaurant in Japan in Tokyo called Shima. And they had these steak, like they're so thin. I took a picture of it. And it was the best steak sandwich I've ever had, but it's not very big. It could be a starter. It could be a, you know, just it's a great way to maybe start off a meal. The steak melted in my mouth. I know people say that a lot like, Oh, it says this was on. I've never eaten a steak that was this good. I've never,

I've never experienced this taste in my life. It was like, once you ate it, I need to eat this every day. It didn't even feel like it felt like I don't even know what it was. So the, the, the little mini steak from Shima in, uh, in Tokyo, what would be my opener thing? It's like, is it, is it a sandwich? Did you say? Yes. It's a little, it's a little, uh, sandwich that it's like, it looks almost like, you know what, you could say it like that. It was like, it looks almost like a steak cutlet. Like it looks very much like a chicken cutlet, but it's steak. And it is. So it's like a, so they do like katsu sandos in. Yes. But that's normally with pork, but I have seen, they've done them with like wagyu beef. Yes. And that's

exactly it. You see, this is, you see, you've just nailed it. That's exactly it. That is, and it is, it is unreal. It's so, so good. And I can imagine that it is a good size for a starter because when those, when it's really nice beef, they come in quite small cubes. Exactly. Yeah. Really marbled and like, yeah. And then you don't need, you don't need a big thing. It just, it's an amazingly, you can see like, it looks a little bit, yeah, this is what they look like. Oh, yeah. That's what you want. Yeah. Just three stripes, bread, beef, bread, all the same thickness as each other. It's, yeah, it's amazing. It's like a lovely flag. So I thought that would be a decadent way to start. And now look,

I'm not really planning myself. I feel like I'm going to get full pretty quickly already. I've already had two pieces of bread here at the start, but I'm going for it. I'm going for it. It's a dream male, just fill up on bread. Yeah. Also starter wise, what's the healthy old man having? The healthy old man. Well, the healthy old man is going to do something very nice. It's going to be like an endive, but there'll be some things in like a, almost like a kind of like a lettuce cup, but an endive cup. Yeah. Delicious, nice, respectful, a little bit of spice to it, but not too much. Not going to kick too much. The last thing the healthy old man is doing

is filling up on bread, right? Exactly. He's not, he is avoiding bread at all. He's not had bread since 1986. Because he knows he's got limited time. He's got to keep it all. This reminds me of my, I used to have a allotment myself and I'd grow my own vegetables, but then you'd look into it and be like, he didn't have an allotment. He just stole, he stole from this extra neighbor, all that I had. Like Peter Rabbit. And everything he planted died. And they were like, why, what's under there? What's under that soil? That's the soil healthy old man. It's made of people. The reason why the fertilizer is so good, it's just dead corpse.

Oh no, is that what's in the green drink? Oh no. Oh no, healthy old man's drinking people. He's the, he's the Sweeney Todd of Gartner, this man. He just put a little ginger in there and it goes down to smooth. So your main course, that's a delicious starter that sounds very, very good. Yes. So the main course is, this is I thought a lot about. It's incredibly specific, but I'm a big omakasa type of person. So you go to a Japanese restaurant, the sushi chef makes you what he wants. And I want this one chef that I used to go to here in Los Angeles. He had a restaurant called Saito. Saito was in the grossest, most dilapidated strip mall that

you would ever see. You would never know that a respectable restaurant was in this strip mall. And as a matter of fact, the first time I ever went, I was like, well, this clearly is not the place. It's like, there's like multiple drug addicts hanging out in this donut shop. Like where is this sushi place? And the windows are closed. You go inside. There's only two tables and the rest was a sushi bar. And by the look of you, he would determine if you could sit at the sushi bar or he would push you off to a table. I got in with him. I got to sit at the sushi bar and I went to him for many, many years. He is now retired and went back to Japan. But in that time, it was the most amazing sushi I've ever had. The place never had more than

two to three people in it at any given time. And it was a very like kind of solo experience where he would do this thing. And one of the best experiences I've ever had was on his birthday, he would make his ideal birthday meal for you. So that's what I would do from my main meals. This is great because everyone else that we've ever had on the podcast has obviously picked the food that they want. You've ordered a chef and you're going to let him do it. Yes. That's what I want because it's like, there is something about like, I love in general, not having to order anything. Like I want you to not entertain me, but I'm like, do your thing. Apologies for inviting you on the podcast. No, no. I am such a fan of, I feel like it's an art and

I feel like it's a thing. Like it's like, you know what's going to be fresh. You know what's going to be good. Like just make your thing. I once went to a restaurant in like an Italian restaurant. It's like either, I don't know, who's the guy who wore like the crocs or whatever. He's a big Italian chef. I forget his name now, but Batali. Mario Batali. Not a good guy or seemingly not a good guy, but great chef. And I went to one of his restaurants and one of his servers said, can I show you what I would order? She's like, I'm a career server. She's like, and I'm going to create for you an amazing meal. She's like, I don't want you to look at the menus. I will dictate this. She's like, you'll all get a plate. Everyone takes one bite from the plate

and you pass to the person to the left and you keep on going around and we, it was one of the best meals ever. And I feel like the best meals I've ever had, I've had no, I've not weighed in on at all. I'm just like, I know this place is great. Do your thing. And I think that like, and I love that about sushi is like, I don't know what's going to be fresh. I want you to surprise me. I don't know what I'm getting next. I feel like every, it's like Christmas morning, but you're eating, it's like, what? Oh, great. Yeah. Sure. I have no preconceived notions. I just know that you take pride in it. I also feel like when you give that over to a server or you give that over to a chef, they're like, oh, shit, I got to step it up. Like, you know, like, you're

putting me on the spot now. I got, now I got, you know, and like you've given them the ultimate trust. Yeah. That person saying that server saying to you, just let me choose it. I mean, if she had messed that up, that would have been hilarious. It would have been terrible. And there is that moment where you're like, do I give over, because it's not even the chef, it's just the server. And she's like, trust me. She's like, I moved across country to work for Batali. She's like, I've only worked for chefs I really admire. She's like, I will make this an amazing meal for you. And, and, and I think at that point too, like I had not that, like all of us didn't have like that much money and we had no idea what this is going to cost. It was like,

there's a real leap of faith. This is going to bankrupt us. It would be a great prank though, for a server on like their last day of work or something to do that to a table and then just bring like loads of fried eggs. Just fried eggs. Take a little bite from the egg and then pass it around to the left and then you get another egg passed around. Just keep on delivering the same thing, but calling it something completely different. Now this, wait, isn't it just a fried egg? No. The first fried egg, you'd be like, this is a very fancy, that's a bit weird. We'll let that go, but we're off to a shaky start. And then they come out again, it's like, okay, your second dish, like what the fuck? But don't you think it's like that thing where you also start to buy

into it? They have all these commercials all the time. I saw Penn and Teller did one thing like this and Burger King has been doing a thing where it's like, have this burger and be like, well, this burger is amazing. It's Burger King. People are like drinking water. It's like, this water is like $50 a bottle and it's like just out of like literally a hose. But there is like a preconceived thing where if you are being served and people like present it in a way, like every sommelier, like how many people really know wine well enough to be like, take down the sommelier. You're watching a show. It's like, I love, I will see Shakespeare. I'm, you know, I'm not the biggest fan in the sense that I can't tell you anything by verse,

but I love seeing Shakespeare, but I would never be like, bad, I wasn't good. Anything is pretty much always good. If you're not a pro in that thing, it's like, yeah, it was pretty good. I think I'd fall for it. Certainly the first egg, I'd definitely fall for it if they said this is the best. By the third egg, I would be like, I would be like this, wow, this is a, I've never had a three fried egg meal and I'm going to go tell my friends like, and then they brought a third fried egg out. They're the best eggs I've ever tasted. And they're like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your dessert. And then it's just fried eggs. There's so many fried eggs just

shoot into the room. You get handed an egg box to take some home. So his birthday sushi, you don't know what you're getting? No, I mean, to me, I like, I feel like I've done Omakasa all over, pretty much not all over the world, but in many different places because you're always trying to find a good sushi place. And I feel like there are similarities. You're always going to get, you know, there's only as many fish, you know, it's not like, oh, I've never had tuna before, but you know, but it's always, I think the way it's prepared too. It's like, they're like, when I was in Japan, there was a, the, the presentation was really fun and, and exciting. I also went to a Jiro when I was in

Japan and that was, I would say, and I'm going to just go out on the line and say, not, not my best sushi meal I've ever had. And I was really expecting it to be, the experience was really interesting. Like being in the restaurant was really good. The sushi was good. It wasn't like, oh my God, you know, but I think it's a lot about, I love that relationship that you have between the chef, like sitting with the chef. I've never sat a, at a chef's table in a kitchen, but that's as close as I've kind of gotten. And I love that communal nature of it. I love that you're with the person that's making the food and you get to be a part of it and they get to see you enjoy it. I like, I like that.

I guess because it's his birthday, he might give it to you with like a candle in it. Well, at the end, he, you know, the sushi would all have candles in it. Everyone gets it gets done to that certain point, but you have to go there. You got to eat it quick as well. Yeah. Well, I remember like when he was closing down, one of the coolest things about it was he started giving away the store, like, or the restaurant. Like, so like I came in and he would be like, here, you want this plate? Oh, like you want, like giving, like giving everybody this, like whatever, whatever was up, because he was like, that's it. I'm done. And one of the coolest things that he did was,

once he became a regular, he gave you a sake cup. And so you was a wooden cup and you could decorate it any which way you want it. And whenever you came in, you get your own, you know, like, so you knew who the regulars were because you had your own wooden cup hand decorated. How, how was yours decorated? Yeah. Mine was simple. I mean, some people took them home and really get it up. You know, I just kind of like wrote, I still have it. I, I, because when I, of course, when he left, he gave it back to me. Yeah. Be awful if you gave it to someone else. No, I know, you're terrible. I gave you a sake cup away.

But it was, it was a little bit too much pressure for me when, like, that's another thing. I have a hard time performing in those moments like, oh, here it is. No, decorate it. I'm like, I'm not like, artist is not like, by trade. That's not something I could like, oh, I just kind of kept it. I wrote my name on it. I tried to do it nice and clean because I knew I only have one shot. You know, I didn't want to fuck it up because like, that's everything too. I can't erase it and not like, you know, like, so everyone else had really like a deck, like intricate designs and yours said Paul Scheer. It literally said like Paul Scheer's number one sake cup. It's like a very simple,

very simple design. Like it was nothing. I, but I felt like it, but it's minimalism really spoke to me. I thought the restaurant in there and the food, you know, I don't need it to be that. Yeah. He couldn't give yours away. No, exactly. I know it was Paul Scheer's number one sake cup. And before we move on, what's the healthy old man having for his man? Healthy old man is going to do something that I feel like is going to be nice, which is like a broiled fish. Like, you know, it's going to have some flavor and it's going to be a white fish, a flaky white fish. And I think that there's going to be capers, not an overwhelming amount

of capers. And, and I would put, you know, underneath it, you know, nothing, not like a pasta, not even a risotto. I would just say for the healthy old man, I think it's going to be just very simple garnish, but it will be an edible garnish, maybe like a green pepper, yellow pepper, just a little bit to give it some color. So it doesn't have a white fish on a plate. Yeah. And it doesn't remind him of anyone's birthday. I don't know. You don't want to think about the birthday. I mean, especially because his birthday, he shared with his wife and that is, they had the same birthday. Yeah, that's a tricky thing. You take down, they were twins? They were brother and sister. They were brother and sister. They

were left the country because they, they were, love was forbidden. They could never make babies. Well, you had to kill her. The cops were onto them. Look, you know what? Just like, honestly, the truth is their parents died. They left them money. He didn't want to split it. He wanted to take that money and start a brand new life. That's what happened. Oh, that healthy old man. Your side dish. Side dish. Thought a lot about this as well. I have a very easy answer. I told you earlier about highbrow, lowbrow, right? Salad bar. I want like a massive salad bar. Like a salad bar that's not fucking around. Like, you know, an intense one. There's one that can think of in this restaurant. I'm talking about highbrow, lowbrow, this place called Fogo de Chow,

right? Yeah. As soon as you said salad bar, I was like, yeah, Fogo de Chow, 100%. Now, Fogo de Chow is basically a place where they bring over meat on large skewers and they slice it for you. Now that's expensive. So I think what they do is they spend a lot of money in the salad bar. So you go there and you start eating all the salad. When the meat comes, you're a little bit full. So they kind of are helping their budget by like saying, eat less meat, eat more salad. But that salad bar is, it's like, everything is fresh and beautiful and great and in multiple trips. And you know, everything looks just like absolute perfection. That salad bar. I'm a sucker for a great salad bar. Yeah. With me and that salad bar, what happened is not only do they have

amazing salads on there and amazing vegetables, they also have a lot of cheese on there. We're talking pole mozzarella balls, huge wheels of parmesan where you just chip off chunks. So I would go up there for a salad and come back with a bowl of cheese. But you know what, but that you want to have that, like, I mean, look, a big, to chunk off your own parm, that's, I mean, that's a dream. I mean, I'm a big parm guy and I want to get in there and want to work for it. That's what a salad bar should be. We've gotten so used to like, sad greens and a couple of like, you know, like it looks like the Subway sandwich shop like salad bar, which is like the saddest thing ever, like that, that row of like food, like a vegetables. A bowl of corn and stuff. Yeah. It looks like

everyone's out on parole. It's like the skin row of salad bars. And I like, I need us to like, let's know this is where, yeah, this is where things are happening. People like, let's, you know, let's give it back. Let's have, enjoy it. Fogo to Chao. I've told you about before. I feel like because that's where I went when I was in Philadelphia and I ate so much meat that I was only there for one night and I went back to the hotel room and I farted so much that I had to check out early than I thought I was going to because I was worried. I was worried what it was going to happen. I'm a member now. I, I once when I was a kid, I'm lactose intolerance. I can't have like milk and stuff like that, but I didn't know that early on when I was a kid and I went down to

Walt Disney World to have a big, you know, family trip. And what you do, I'm a little kid. I'm eating a lot of ice cream. This is where I find out that I'm lactose intolerant. And I really found, I really kind of culminated in like, oh, my stomach, oh, my stomach. And then I just started puking all over this hotel room. Like, and like so much so like, I puked in one bed. My dad took all the sheets, put them out the side of the room. I puked the other bed, took all the sheets, put them in the room, like puked around towels. So like when my dad and I had to like sneak out of this hotel, right? It was like, everything was just covered in puke. Like everything was like, and it was like, and it is, there's a shame in that. It's so shameful. It's a real shame.

You're just like, oh boy, what did I do? And you want to, you want to almost be like, don't touch this, get it. Like, just bring up some garbage bags and some more sheets. But at least with the puke, you can get rid of this, the things that the pukes on. When I, I thought it's, I mean, it was like in the curtains, like they would have had to just strip the whole room. And, and you know what? You can't open windows a lot of the times in hotels. So you can't even get that fresh air and move it around in there. And then you just trap on your own filth of farts and, man. And that's what happens to me a lot of the times. Honestly, like my wife, you know, we, we are more vegetarian than anything. And we'll eat at these like health food restaurants and that

stuff that will just play havoc with your stomach. It's like, oh yeah, it did taste like nachos, but it's like, this is not like, it's, it's too much green. It's like, it's too much kale. Our producer, the Great Benito is a huge Disney world fan. He likes Disneyland, Disney world. So when you're telling that story, I imagine that at some point you puked on the Great Benito. I imagine that he, he walked in with Mickey Mouse. He is excited to be in Disneyland and you just puked all over it. I mean, that I'm, I'm obsessed with like how that, how Disneyland kind of keeps puking on the side because you know, look, you have that many kids. There's people puking in that park all the time. I've never seen puke. I heard that like when, when you go

through the parade, like, cause especially in Florida, it's so hot and you're in those giant costumes and they're having you at a dance and look all fun. I heard that once they walk past like the, the, you know, it's like on stage, off stage. Once they go off stage, it's just puke central. Like there's basically a reservoir of puke. People are like living off there with many of the poo heads. Like, oh my God. And of course they should be. Yeah. If you saw that as a kid, that would be, I think you're life over. If you saw Winnie the Pooh take his head off and then vomit everywhere, puke everywhere. Also, I feel like going back to your side dish that this salad bar is, this is where you and the healthy old man cross paths.

Yes. This is where I see him. I feel like he's not going to come over on the cheese side, but I, you know, I see him and, and, and we, we make eyes and, and he gives me a little, a little nod, but yeah, I see you. He raises his green glass. Oh, hello. And then maybe he puts his finger to his lip and goes, yeah, I wasn't here. You didn't see me. HOM. Maybe he's dressed in like the server uniform for Fogger to Chow and then he takes his name badge off and sneaks out the back. Yeah. Where did my server go? The old man? There's no old man. Or you don't, or you see him like, you see him like subtly walk by a table and scoop a credit card, like put his hand down and go,

I'm having trouble walking. And it takes a credit card off of him and make eye contact with him. Yeah. And there's a moment and he's like, I don't say anything. He doesn't say anything. I once had that in a, in a subway. I was in New York city and it was so crowded. One of those times where you're just all packed in. It's just awful. And I watched a man go into a woman's purse, like to, to get out her wallet. And as he was pulling it up, I made eye contact with him. He made eye contact with me. You know, just put it right back down. You must have looked pretty tough. It was like, it was sort of like, we were trapped. Like it was like, all I needed to do is like, like, just reach out my hand and touch the woman,

be like, this guy's, you know, there was nowhere for him to go. There was nowhere for me to go. Like, and even if he wanted to hit me, like he'd have to like get through three other bot, like bodies at me. It was like. It would have been unreasonable for him to hit you at that point. Very ambitious of him. So much more respect for him if, as he put it back in, he went, what are you getting from the salad bar before we move on? I treat a buffet, a salad bar as little plates, small plates. I do a small plate thing. So I would maybe go up one time and just enjoy the cheese, cheese crackers, maybe some honey. Cause by the way, I wouldn't normally get honey with cheese, but I think, well, it's here. Let me

try it. You know, like maybe you can come up and get those like Dalmoss, right? There's like little, you know, I get that. You know, so I like to do multiple trips. I'm not creating like the world's best salad. I'm saying like, well, let me do a little bit of this and go back over here. Hey, is there, you know, maybe there's some even, you know, like a boiled shrimp in there, like some cold shrimp, you know, shrimp cocktail in there. I don't know. I don't, you know, maybe there is, uh, I'm going up. I think part of it comes from the fact that I'd like to get up and meals, I think, from ever since I was a kid. It's nice. I'm like, I'm doing something. I'm a part of this, uh, but I like, I like grazing. I'm a big grazer when I'm out. Okay. And I also

find that if I take small plates, I enjoy the buffet a lot more because I didn't like overwhelm myself with one giant plate. All the pasta I could eat is like, I don't know. Take a little pasta. If I want more, I'll go back. I'll often make that mistake at buffets. I'll load up everything onto one plate. It's like food from all across the world. It's a huge like pangier on a plate. And then it all tastes weird. Yeah. It's like, you gotta like that. They're there. They've got plenty of plates. Yeah. Just let them keep on taking it away, take it away, take it away. Cause that's the trick is like you get caught up and then all of a sudden the pan, it's like this mess, everything's bleeding into everything else. It's like, all of a sudden you got some like

orange stuff and, and, and it's like mixing in with, yeah, it's not, it's not good. You should just get a separate bowl of orange stuff. Yeah. Well, I mean, you need it. Oh, look, I go back to my kids when kids are five and three, they have plates that have sections in them. Why? Give me that. Yeah. Why are we growing out of that? I like, give me a, I want some divided sections. I mean, like, let's, You'd like prison. Hey, I've courted, so I've been saying that for, I've been saying that for a long time. No prizes for guessing who your cellmate would be.

Also, may I say, we've done like, you know, we've done over 20 episodes by this point, way over 20. And nice to finally see the word pangier making it appear. Yeah, I really get it. Yeah, I love that. Well, I'm chucking that in there. I don't know what it means, but I'm going to employ Oh, it's when the era, when all the continents were one, and before we all broke apart, we were just one giant land mass. I like it. May I say huge shout out to you there. I don't know anyone else who would back reference a word that was used without knowing what it was. Oh, no, no, I didn't.

But I love that you didn't question it when it was said it was as accepted that that is a pangier. And that you, you were like, got it. Yeah, my honest guess would have been a pile of food. I'm surprised you didn't go for like more of a literal like, oh, the pan, there's some sort of like a pan, pancake. Yeah, because I said it's like a, you thought I was using a metaphor. I was saying my plate of food is very much like a plate of food. Yeah, I was like, that fair enough. You know, we're doing this podcast a lot. You're going to find different descriptive words. You're really going for a plate of food. It's like a plate of food. It's a line of food that was cut from forest gum.

Yeah. Your drink. Drink. All right. Here's, I got a, I got one out of the box, I think. Or maybe I don't know. You guys have done a lot of these. I know that probably people were trying to come in here and do different things. Vanilla milkshake. Oh, I'm glad to hear it. Yeah. Vanilla, because look, I got my sparkling water. I have that. I don't need to get drunk here. I saw, you know, I want to, I would like, I feel like, again, if all of a sudden done, a nice vanilla milkshake is a beautiful compliment to any deal. And I don't want it for dessert. I don't want it for dessert. I want to have like a little, little kick in the middle of it.

I don't know how good this goes. I mean, again, in my mind, I've really thrown a lot of things at the table here, but I'm like, but I'm also like, it feels to me like that's a decadent treat that I will never really order. And then I yet will never put it in front of a good dessert. So when does it fit in? You know, it's going to have to fit in as my drink of choice. How does Saito feel about this? Bearing in mind, he's making the most amazing sushi and you're chasing it with a vanilla milk. Yeah, I love vanilla milkshake. By the way, vanilla milkshake, I feel like that is a nice palate cleanser of vanilla, vanilla bean. I'm not, I'm not coming in here saying like, give me, you know, Rocky Road,

you know, I think that you could argue vanilla is the ginger of, of, of the shake world. Like it is, you know, Saito brings you over the pickle, ginger, you go, no, no, no, no, vanilla milkshake. Clean my palate. It's a great way to clean your palate. Also, we know that, you know, milk is a great way to like, kind of, again, take some of the flavors down, like take some of the heat. Hold on a second. Yeah. You're going to puke everywhere. Just ate bread, just ate steak, eating sushi, drinking a vanilla milkshake. This is the disgusting meal. The disgusting meal. Just throwing back Parmesan cheese and you're right, because I'm lactose intolerant, but I'm bringing a lactate pill with me. I travel, I think I travel with

lactate pills on me at all times. So you've got, you've got a pill, you're popping that before the meal. Yeah, you got right here. Boom, ready to go. Ready to go. That's pretty cool. So yeah, we've put, now what kind of milkshake is this? Cause we've had, I think in the past, someone's picked strawberry milkshake and someone's picked a protein shake. That person isn't insane. Yeah, that's an insane person. Don't need to ever. Yeah, that's, don't have a concern yourself of him, but he's a troubled individual. Yeah, that's a real, oh gosh. Someone else chose a strawberry milkshake, but they did it with like the syrup and making it at home with like syrup and stuff like that and having milk. I was a bit disappointed with that personally.

No ice cream in it, just like syrup and milk. I was a bit upset. Yeah. What's your vanilla milkshake? Okay. Again, it's a very specific thing. I love this place. It's come, it comes from a place in Santa Barbara out here in California. It's called McConnell's. Now McConnell's a smaller ice cream shop. You can't really get this anywhere else. It's not like a Haagen Dazs or anything like that. And they make a great vanilla bean. It's a beautiful, simple vanilla. So I would want that McConnell's like that's what I'm thinking of when I'm thinking of a vanilla milkshake. I want that and I just want it to be traditionally done. Like, I don't know how they make it, but they have a, they had a shop. I had it there. I was like, this is the best vanilla milkshake

I've ever had in my life. There's no whipped cream on top of it. I don't need that. I want this a simple shake. I think it's just like probably milk and ice cream. And I think I don't know much about shakes, but I think that that's probably it. I think, you know, I think it's a very basic, we're talking basic bare bones here. Does it come, does it come in a glass and then there's like extra in a tin? Oh, I mean, you want that tin on the side. I mean, here's the thing. You know, for Saito, I feel like it should maybe be in a special, some sort of a special cup. You could have it in your sake cup, if you want.

Yeah, or your milkshake cup. You can decorate yourself. You want, you want. Four shares number one milkshake. Then I would really decorate that. I would have got a nice sober cup, really. I want that, that the milkshake cup is part of the fun of having the milkshake. I mean, you got, like, why, why order it if you can't give yourself a little bit of a refill? Yeah, that's sure. That is the, that's the highlight of the whole thing. I mean, now I'm thinking about it. I'm

like, oh, I should have gone for me and probably saw, I mean, I'm not complimenting my meals, but I'm complimenting, I knew what I like. And sometimes to me, again, going back to that buffet mentality, I will mix and match flavors. And it's like, I don't need to drink 16 ounces of that milkshake, but I'll just drink a little bit. And that will give me exactly like just a little kick, just want a little bit of that, a little parm. I want to, I am going to graze the whole thing. I'm just going to little, little, little, little. Yeah. Do you want all of your, like, you know, utensils or like receptacles, everything to just have

Poche's number one, something. I mean, look, I'm not going to get, I'm not going to get, like, here's the thing. Poche's number one bowl. I don't want to be, I don't want to be boxed into this corner that I like to label my food. I was forced to label my cup. And then I felt that enormous pressure. I don't know if you guys feel this way, but doing comedy and people are like, well, tell me a joke or do the thing like, and there's an immense pressure. It's like, I don't feel that pressure when I'm actually doing the thing that I'm doing, but when I'm out of this, the moment to do the thing I'm doing, I feel like,

I, everything in my, in me freezes. I have like those, that flop sweat. And so like, even when Scythe Dope gives me that cup, I'm like, I don't know. I need to think about it. Like, and so there is a, there is a momentary freeze, but if you're telling me that I have an option of having everything plated with my name on it, why not? I mean, I like, like, why would I say no, I would be insane for you to offer me a regular silverware and then monogram silver. I'm going to take the monogram silver. I've never had that. Chopsticks. Porsche is number one, chopstick. I mean, I think what you have to do is, you would write one, you would write it all in one. And then when you broke it,

you couldn't see what was written on it. And by the way, I would also maybe write it in Japanese. So it would be like a nice, because, oh, that's what I did do on the cup. He showed me how to, and now I'm remembering, he told me how to write it in Japanese and I did it in Japanese. So I did it all with the right symbols. That's 100% not what he taught you how to write. Assholes, number one cup. It just said piss cup. I drink piss, my name's Porsche. There you go. Look everybody, look what he's drinking. Piss cup. He loves it. The old man pissed in that cup. I know it. I know it. I didn't even have to ask you what the hell for your man's drinking because we all know he likes green drink. Oh yeah, green drink. Yeah,

green drink is definitely there. I got to show you the picture of the old man. Now I want to find the older picture because I think you're picturing him slightly older than he is, but I like that idea that he is older. I mean, you can send us that picture and we'll use it to promote this podcast. Oh my God. I am definitely going to do that. I got to get that in there. So good. I'm loving the old man. I'm going to, here it is right here. He's so awkward. He's great. I love it. Yeah. He's not even that old, but I mean, I like him older. He's even funnier than he is. He's probably 50 max. He's not even fully great, but there's something about him that is like, it's a great awkward shot of him. Just the top of his head's

cut off. Yeah, it's okay. What I found about it was like, this feels like a real picture. You're like, you know, and that's what you really have to kind of do. Yeah, healthy old man who would leave reviews on websites. And now Porsche, your dessert. Well, this has been, this is hard, right? Because my, I love a good cookie. Like I love a chocolate chip cookie, a well done cookie. I love a cake. I am a dessert person. I go pie. It's like, I like, I like desserts. And I very rarely don't find a dessert that I, I don't agree with, but I have to say there's something so simple, so easy about Duncan Hines, like a from the box yellow cake with chocolate frosting mix that I'm

like, that's something that I really enjoy. And now as a parent, I'm having a lot of like, you know, there's a lot of birthday parties and there's a lot of yellow cake or there isn't actually a lot of parents out here in Los Angeles. They're getting all these fucking fancy cakes. Get me a yellow cake. I made it. You know, maybe it's two layers. Maybe it's a, all I want is yellow cake with chocolate frosting, everything Duncan Hines, like out of the box, out of the crate, the frosting is on a shelf in a supermarket. It's not not fancy. It's just good. And a couple of sprinkles that are a little bit harder than you would normally want them. That is the flavor palette of like a perfect dessert. Like the yellow cake is firm. It's not hot. Like I don't need, I don't want it hot. I just

wanted to be, I just wanted to have a little bit of like weight to it. I wanted it to be brown, but not burnt and that, but soft and ready to go. That is like a real like flavor sensation that I'm like, it's unbeatable. It's nostalgic for you as well. Yeah. It's like, it's just sort of like growing up. Like, I mean, do you have anything similar to that? Like, I mean, I know Duncan Hines is like an American brand, but is there anything like, do you have a, is there a yellow cake? Do you have a yellow cake? I don't know if it's a yellow cake. I don't know who this Duncan Hines character is. He's the old man. That's not even my old man. That's the name of the old man. So ironic that he runs a cake company. Yeah. The perfect cover. We have like some nostalgic

birth. I mean, we talked the other day about Colin and Caterpillar cakes, which like a very nostalgic birthday cake for me. Okay. A cake that it looks like a Caterpillar. I've seen now, all right. So I've seen like, I think I've seen a cake like that. I've also seen the cakes where you put like a little baby inside. Have you guys done those? What did you just say? Have you heard about the baby cake? No, I don't know how a cake that you put a little baby inside. All right. I'm going to get to the baby cake and was like, I'm going to just show you this. This is what I'm talking about. That's the kind of cake I'm like. Yeah. I don't even know what yellow is. I don't know. It's classic yellow cake. I don't know what the flavor of yellow is.

When you said yellow cake, I thought, oh, that's just Paul saying that. I don't think on the box, it said classic yellow. Yeah. Classic yellow. There's another one called, yeah, it's like, it's, that's I'm saying yellow. I don't think you want cake to be yellow. It's not lemon, by the way. No, it's not. It's not lemon. It's, it's, I don't know how to describe it more than this is a very distinctive flavor of this like box cake. Um, baby in the cake, right? Baby in the cake is, uh, I believe it's, uh, my parents, uh, my, my mom's side is Italian and we did this all the time there. You would put a baby, baby Jesus, I think in the cake. And I believe we did it. I mean, now it seems like it would be a Christmas cake. I think it probably

is a Christmas cake. I, I, for whatever reason, I thought it was New Year's. Um, If it's baby Jesus is probably Christmas. Yeah, it has to be. Yeah. Right. So you put this little baby in and, um, into the cake mix and then you make the cake and then you cut the cake and whoever gets baby Jesus, that's good luck. Right. Obviously, I mean, I know you think you've explained that well, but you've not still not told us what the baby is because all you've said is you put a baby in a cake. It's a little, it's a little like I'm still here. You're still making it sound like. Yeah. No, no, no. It's not a real baby. Yeah. It's a baby. Yeah. No, it's a, by the way, I just typed in baby and baby Jesus cake was the first thing that popped up.

That's through with your searches. Yeah. That looks horrible. So it's basically a little, you get like a little action figure of a baby. Yeah. A lot of them. And this is also a big thing that they do in, um, in Mardi Gras, king cakes, they call them, right? I think I've heard of king cakes. Yeah. So king cakes and Jesus, baby Jesus cakes are pretty the same. Like, um, that looks so gross. Also, why is the cake in every single one of these photos a horrible radioactive color? Yeah, because that's like, that's kind of the, um, the, the king cake thing. I think that's like a very Mardi Gras, like Mardi Gras colors are like, uh, purple and yellow and green. So we weren't doing that. But so the idea is, so you put this little action, baby Jesus

action, or baby action figure in there, and then you cut it and then you don't know. It's like, it's basically like Russian roulette cake and whoever gets the little baby Jesus on their slice, that brings them good luck. Right. I'd like to see the stats on how many people have died by choking on a baby Jesus. Oh, I mean, well, I think you're looking for it. Like, you, so it's like, you got to let everybody know, like, Hey, we're looking for baby Jesus in here. So just don't go, just don't go to town on this cake. We're crossing our fingers over getting baby Jesus. But, uh, and it's big, and you have to make it big enough to not choke on. You know, like, if you put a fork in it, you're going to hit a baby Jesus belly, you know, like, or a baby Jesus

and then I heard a new part of this story, because I met with my friend who was like, Oh, we just did one of those baby Jesus cakes. And I, and I was like, Oh, wow. And he's like, Yeah, he did his on New Year's. That's why I got confused. And he said that his rule is that not only is this person who gets it, get good luck, but they have to throw a party the first Saturday in February. Like that. So it's like, it's like, it's sort of like, so it's like, you get this good luck, and then you got to throw a party for everybody that you had the cake for first week. And then do they do, is there another cake? No, no other cake. That's just sort of like, so it's like, it's like a benefit and a deficit. You get good luck, but then you also have to go throw a party.

Right. So it's giving you a little work is as part of it. You know, the baby Jesus cake was, you know, I mean, look, it's not something that I partake in as an adult, but as a child, I was very excited about that baby. Add rules to it and do whatever you like. I mean, yeah, okay, you get good luck and you're going to throw a party the first weekend of February. And also you have to steal a car. Yeah, because the baby Jesus told you to do it, it's okay. It's legal. It's a baby Jesus commands you. Yes. Would you like us that what we're going to do for that your meal is at some point during the meal, we're going to put a baby Jesus in the food. Yes. I'm going to tell you what I like, like a tuna hand roll. All of a sudden a little baby

Jesus inside a ball of mozzarella on the salad bar. Yeah, yeah. I'm chipping away at the parm, baby Jesus inside. Yeah, ready to go. I'm not going to lie. I might get a bit liberal with the baby Jesuses and put them everywhere. Yeah. I don't think you should have one popping up. No, I mean, how great would it be? I have a big belief that, all right. So what if every restaurant, every night, one baby Jesus is found, just one. And so you don't know, like, you don't know. My big theory is like, there's a bunch of these like haunted houses out here where you go. It's like Halloween horror nights and they chase you around with like fake chainsaws and stuff like that. Yeah. And there's a level of like, people are scared because people are jumping at it.

But I was like, how great would it be if you go to this thing in the Universal Studios, wherever you're going. And one person throughout the holiday season, like, so when it starts September to like November 1st, one person is going to be killed. Yeah. And we're not going to tell you when. And if it did happen, we don't know. So you go in there and you're like, oh, fuck. It could be me. Like, I can't let my guard down that much because it could have happened. It could not have happened. But someone will get killed from that. And that's part of the risk assessment I'm doing. I'm signing a contract. I'm like, I could be that person. Yeah. Now, you don't even know. And so I always thought that that would add a level of real anxiety to

these events that you don't need. And I think if every restaurant instilled the baby Jesus one time in a night, it's a lot of us happening. Maybe if you find baby Jesus free meal. Yeah. So you're like, I want to order more stuff, but then my bill is going to go higher. But I have a better chance to get baby Jesus. I don't know. That's like now my favorite thing for the server to constantly bring out to you at that restaurant where she's just like, let me let me order for you. Is that every single course is a baby Jesus. But baby Jesus. And now you have to find the baby Jesus near fried eggs with baby Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. If it was a free meal, though, and you were running a restaurant, you just put the baby Jesus in the last dish of the night,

wouldn't you? Sure. If you were the last person to order, they'd just bring you out the baby Jesus. Well, but you, but here's the thing. Again, if you don't know, you just know that one time a night, someone's getting a free meal could have been buried in the ice in your shrimp cocktail. Yeah. Yeah. Baby Jesus there. Yeah. And before we read your order back to you, what's healthy old man getting for dessert? Healthy old man is getting a dark chocolate. This is going to have a bite of it. It's going to be a cake. It's not going to be too, too decadent. Probably it will be, hmm, trying to think of what he would really want. You know what? I'm actually going to go back and say like,

old man, a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Yeah. Just a plain scoop of vanilla. He'd be going, oh, I'm being so bad. Yeah, I'm being real. I'll just say that. Okay. So I'm going to read your order back to you now and see how you feel about it. You would like sparkling water to start off with. Fresh hot fluffy bread with salted butter behind the curtains. You want to be unveiled by a bread guy. Your starter is the steak sandwich from Shima in Tokyo. Birthday sushi for main course from Sito in LA. Yes. The side dish, massive salad bar from Fugga the Chow. Yes. Drink of vanilla milkshake from McConnell's. Yes. Santa Barbara and your dessert.

You would just like yellow cake. Yellow cake. No baby Jesus in that yellow cake. Yellow cake. No baby Jesus. Hold the baby Jesus. That should be how you have to order all food. Hold the baby Jesus please. That sounds delicious. Yeah, I'm very happy. This is a great way to kind of look at all the weird things. I don't know how it makes a great meal, but I'm very happy with that. You stuck to your high brow low brow. Yeah, for sure. Thanks so much for coming in Paul. Thank you so much. Thank you Paul. Thank you Paul Shear for that wonderful menu. Can't thank you enough Paul Shear. That was a delicious menu. And also thank you to the healthy old man. Thank you so much to the

healthy old man. What a great menu for that guy as well. Yeah, yeah, fantastic. Hopefully we'll be able to on social media share with you the pictures of the healthy old man. And hopefully during the episode you all googled baby Jesus cake and stuff like that in the king baby. Yeah. And you got to see all that kind of stuff. And if you haven't, I mean, that'll be all over social media. I mean, I'm sure the no context off menu will just tweet a picture of that baby in the cake. Yeah, horrible. And the picture of the healthy old man. Hopefully they'll be able to find a picture of the healthy old man. And he didn't say the secret ingredient, luckily. Very glad because you know, really liquid smoke. I don't say we're playing with fire there. We're playing

with liquid fire. You know what I mean? But it was a possible one. It was possible. Me either Paul or the healthy old man had liquid. Healthy old man would never have the liquid smoke. No way. He's not adding that to his green juice. No, absolutely. He loves green juice. So check out all of Paul's stuff. Like I say, he does a brilliant podcast called How Do This Get Made. It's very, very funny. It's one of my favorite podcasts. So go and listen to that. Big shout out to the Earwolf people for letting us use their studio. Yes. Thank you. It was a lovely plush studio. We've been recording a lot of these while we've been in LA in our Airbnb, which is a grotty little hole. Yes. Also, they've got a really fancy

photography room at the Earwolf Studio. So in case any of you have seen the Twitter for this and seen the photo and be like, what the, this podcast is going up in budget. No, it's not. We've recorded two episodes there and they both have that amazing photo, but that will never be repeated. No, we'll be back to the regular horrible faded little Polaroid shits that Benito does with this fine suit. Awful photos that he takes that will get him fired from any atom documentary. If he was on the crew. Somehow takes photos with an iPhone and makes them look like haunted Victorian portraits. Yes. All those adverts, aren't they? Sometimes about, oh, this was shot on an iPhone. Check this out. Don't use Benito's handy work. I'll tell you that much.

People will be buying Samsung's instantly. Well, thank you very much for listening and thank you to Paul Shear. Check out all our social media out of many official on Instagram and Twitter and off many podcasts.co.uk on the internet. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hello, it's Harry Hill here. I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise. Basically it's a half hour of ambient sound. And then at some point during the podcast, I make a noise. Now, when you're listening to it, you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise and you'll get lulled into it and then I'll make the noise and it'll be really funny. I mean, it doesn't sound like a regular podcast, does it? But believe me, you're going to really love

it. So why don't you subscribe now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Acast. It's called Harry Hill's Noise and it's coming soon. Hello, it's me, Amy Glentill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners,

but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glentill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late!