Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 93: Jessica Fostekew

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

Fellow food podcaster and superb stand-up Jessica Fostekew has a table booked, and ethics are being thrown out of the dream restaurant window.Listen to Jess’s podcast ‘Hoovering’ on Acast or wherever you get your podcasts.Watch Jess’s stand-up special ‘Silence of the Nans’ on NextUp.Follow Jess on Twitter and Instagram: @jessicafostekewRecorded by Ben Williams and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. We are the worm at the bottom of the tequila that is the internet. My name's Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Caster, a drunk little worm. James is a drunk little worm. If anyone had to ask me to describe James, I would say he's sort of a drunk little worm guy. Drunk little tequila worm. Wonder what that's like. Is the worm alive? I don't know. I guess not. I'm assuming the worm's not alive because it's at the bottom of the bottle of tequila. I don't know if it's a little pond worm. Although

we'll probably get some messages. I think the worm is found in mezcal traditionally rather than tequila. Although I've never even seen a bottle with the worm, and I think it's mezcal, yeah. Do you remember TeraVision? I do remember TeraVision. Of course, novelty banned by virtue of their only hit being the song Tequila. But apart from that, quite well thought of within the sort of Karang crowd. Yes. Their album, was it How to Make Friends and Influence People or whatever it was called? That did really well. People were like, oh, what a great band. And then later on they had a hit with Tequila. Wasn't it a remix of it? Yeah, probably. It was always remixes that did well back in the day. Anyway, I mean,

we are in danger of sort of straying on to your other podcast territory. I'd imagine you talk about TeraVision. I don't really listen to it. I'll be bringing it up at some point on that podcast. This, of course, is the off menu podcast where we talk about food. More specifically, we have a special guest and we ask them, James. Their favourite ever start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink. And this week's guest is... Yes, Fostacue. Jessica, Fostacue. Jessica will go with Jessica. Fostacue, yes. Brilliant, brilliant comedian, brilliant podcast host as well. She's got also a food podcast called Hoovering. Called Hoovering. We've both done it. We have. She brought... Brilliant podcast.

At ages ago, she brought beetroot soup over to my house. Delicious. I think it spilt quite a lot of it, but it was very, very nice. Fantastic. I started out with Jess on the comedy circuit and it's so great to see her doing so well now. She's such a brilliant comedian. I've always been a fan. Thrilled to have her on the podcast. However, even though we love her, if she mentions the secret ingredient, we will have a kicked out of the Dream Restaurant. We'll have a kicked out of the Dream Restaurant. We'll kick her out the Zoom because, should say, this is a home cooking episode. We're all in our separate homes. Hemp seeds. That's the secret ingredient this week. Hemp seeds. So help me God. I don't even really know what

they are. I just... No. Just get all that stuff off. If I can blow it off the plate, I don't want it. Interesting. If you can blow it off the plate, you don't want it. I didn't know that was a rule with you. Well, I didn't realise either until I said it, but you know what? I'm willing to stand by that. Yeah, like seeds. Any sort of seeds? Well, what seeds are we talking? Hemp seeds? No. Pumpkin seeds. But I don't think I could blow pumpkin seeds off. I don't really like pumpkin seeds, but I don't think I could blow them. You could blow a pumpkin seed off your plate. They're quite heavy, aren't they? Depends on what they're on. How heavy do you think it is that you couldn't blow it off the plate? How weak

do you think you are? Well, I'm sorry. I've not used my lockdown properly. I've not been testing what seeds I could blow away. I reckon you could blow any seeds you wanted off a plate. No. Not a pumpkin seed. What seeds do you reckon you'd struggle with? A lot of them. I'm thinking like things that would just be immediately blown off. Yeah. Poppy seeds I could probably blow off my plate, but I really have to puff. You could definitely not. I'd have to puff. You wouldn't have to puff. It weighs nothing. But what other seeds are there? Pumpkin seeds. Sunflower seeds. Straight away. No, I couldn't blow them. You couldn't blow a sunflower seed up. No. But sometimes, like a poppy seed might be

stuck on a bagel. If it's stuck on a bagel, I couldn't blow it off the bagel, so it's fine. It's in its place. Right, because it's stuck on the bagel. Because it's stuck on the bagel. There's a reason for it to be there. Hemp seeds are quite light, aren't they? Like feathery in my mind. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's something you're the wrong thing. They're definitely lighter, I'd say, than the seeds we're talking about, but I'm just saying. I'm confident I could blow the hemp seeds off a plate. Yes, but like you could with all the other seeds you've mentioned as well. No, I couldn't blow some plant seeds off. I couldn't. They're really heavy. If everyone listened to this, couldn't film themselves

blowing various seeds off of plates to show how easy it is and then tweet them to him, I'd have been very much appreciated. But I don't, if you've got a puff, it doesn't count for me. What are you talking about? So I'm talking about if I was eating it and just like, I just did it like a quite a concentrated breath and it went off. That would be annoying to me. But if I had to... That's not blowing, is it? If I had to do that. Do you think that every time you're breathing in and out, you're blowing in and out? Yeah, blowing air. That's what I call it. No, you're just breathing. Blowing is like a proper... That's a... Right, well, I don't like hemp seeds. Me neither. Right, well, then we can agree on that. Yeah.

We can agree on that one. We can agree that we don't like it because we could blow it off the plate. No, that's not what I said. That's not my reason. But that's not... It's hemp seeds as a secret ingredient. If she says something, she's out of here. And I hope that doesn't happen because I'm a fan. Well, fingers crossed. Oh, is that Jess at the door? Well, it must be. This is the off-menu menu of Jessica Foster Q. Jessica Foster Q. Jess Foster Q, welcome to the Dream Restaurant. Hey, thanks for having me. It took us a while to get up and running for this one, but now we're here and it's worth it. There were some issues getting into the Dream Restaurant. The genius has got the key. But now, here we are,

ready to go, ready to take your order. Yeah. Welcome, Jess Foster Q, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Now, Jess, you're... It's obviously a long time coming. You should have been on this podcast a while ago. You're an OG food podcaster. You're putting food podcasts out in the world. This is the official food podcast crossover. Right? This is what the people have been asking for. We put our beefs to one side, no pun intended, and we've got you on the pod. That's why you haven't been on. There's just too much beef. There's so much beef. Although, we have both been on your podcast to be fair, so I think you didn't know about the beef. No, I didn't. Recognize this scarf, Jess? Oh, you still got my scarf.

Still got Jess's scarf when she came over to my flat to record her podcast. And let me tell you, Jess, I don't live in that flat anymore. I've moved house and I've still got your scarf. You're so lovely for keeping it. Either very conscientious or very weird. It is a nice scarf. You're very kind for keeping hold of it. It's going to be one of those things where every time we meet for the rest of our lives, we'll go, oh, didn't bring that scarf again. You're going to come and visit me in an old people's home towards the end of my life, and your scarf is going to be a shawl over my horrible knees. I'm going to have horrible knees when I'm old, I think. Do you reckon? Yeah,

they've been pretty bad during lockdown. Whatever workout I was originally doing, really messed my knees up. And now my knees are hurt all the time. We've got to do yoga to make them not hurt. But during yoga, they hurt. And I'm thinking, actually, I'm probably making it worse. So when you say horrible knees, you mean painful knees rather than horrible to look at, which I think what Ed was going for, you don't have to shroud them in a shawl. They just, you just have to medicate them with that pain relief. Yeah, I think the fact they feel bad now means they'll look bad when I'm older. Yeah. Do you think they'll look horrible? Maybe they'll still look really young

when you're older, and then they'll just be powder inside. Imagine that. Well, like a little stress ball. Yeah. Couple of little stress balls. Yeah, yeah. That'd be good if your knees were like stress balls, and you could just really give them a good, a good old squeeze. That'd be lovely. Now, Jess, your, your poster for your last show was you weightlifting. So I'd imagine you've got real strong knees, right? Got really muscly knees. Yeah. Yeah, really hench knees, actually. Yeah. I don't know, I don't know how much you guys can lift in terms of knee ups, but many hundred kilograms I can knee up. Yeah. Normally at this point, we'd ask if our guest was a foodie or they're into food,

but we know you are already. So we've just gone straight for knee chat, which is the next thing down on the list. Yeah, absolutely. We rarely get onto it, actually, on this podcast. Normally we ask them about food, and the knee chat there's an emergency one. You've never broken the glass so early. So I'm a genie, genie, uh, no, me, genie, genie, genie. Oh, man. Come on. You know what? You're fine on all cylinders. Me, me and Jess, I mean, I speak for myself, I'm exhausted after all the technical difficulties. I'm like even in, I'm not in the room mentally right now, but you. Mate, I'll tell you what's happened. I got up really early because I couldn't sleep because it is a thousand degrees. I had a coffee, did a little

workout, had another coffee, and then I've poured myself a giant glass of cold brew, which I made last night. So I am firing on all cylinders, but I've got about, there's about a 10 minute window before I crash. Yeah. And what is cold brew? Is it just cold coffee? Like coffee? Has it got sugar? It is cold coffee, but I always used to try and make cold brew by making a hot coffee and then dumping loads of ice in. That's not how you should do it. I've since bought a jug because it should be brewed cold, hence cold brew, rather than brewed hot. So I've got a jug and you just put like ground coffee in, fill it up with cold water, and then I put it in the fridge for like 12 hours. So it's like coffee, but actually made cold and it is absolutely delicious.

Do you mix it with anything? So the best ones I've had are ones that have a bit of a fruity quality to them as well. No, sir. I'm not putting any fruits in my cold brew. I think you can put like some citrus fruit in or something. It's just black coffee. So that's what I drink anyway. I suppose I was about to think that sounds repulsive and say it out loud, which I've done now, but I, but then I remembered iced tea. That's lush of all different bits of fruit in it, isn't it? So I need to shut up and open my mind, shut my mouth, open my mind. That's, we're going to be telling you that throughout the, throughout the podcast. Shut your mouth, open your mind. Shut your mouth and open your mind, Jess.

It's a good mouth for life, isn't it? Twitter should be told that. That coffee's really dipping off now. So should we at least get water and starter under our belt before I have to have a nap? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Don't spill a spark of water, Jess. Because this is like a dream meal, right? Like a dream of dreams. I'm going to bin off ethics completely. Because that's the dream. That's the dream, of course, is to bin off ethics. We're going full Hannibal. Well, the dream is that the dream ultimately is that, yeah, is that eating has no consequence. So, yeah. So, so sparkling because normally, I mean, I drink sparkling water, but I just assume if you have it in a restaurant, maybe

it's more likely to come in a glass bottle. Basically, I don't buy it in day to day life because it's just loads of plastic bottles and I haven't got a soda stream or another fizzy making thing. But I love fizzy water the most of all the waters, but it's one of those things I feel like I have to earn or it feels like a treat. And that's ridiculous because it's just same water but aerated, isn't it? Yeah. I'm friends with this really amazing Scottish author called Rose Ruane and she calls it a jaggy water. I love that because in Scots, a jag is anything like spiky or prickly. So, it makes it seem like the water's starting on your mouth. Yeah, yeah, jaggy water. Yeah, really aggressive water. But that's right, isn't it? When you have a sip

of sparkling water and the water's going like, come on, mate. What are you looking at? It feels like the difference between still waters like brushing your teeth in the olden days and jaggy water is like when you get your first electric toothbrush and your teeth like... Yeah. It really is a party in the mouth. Yeah, it brushes your teeth. I've said it a million times before and finally, a guest has agreed with me. I don't think Jess has agreed with you that sparkling water is a replacement for an electric toothbrush. We'll see about that. Jess, get this. Recently, I met a 33-year-old who'd never heard of a soda stream, didn't know what one was. Oh, really? Yeah, no concept of it. I wouldn't say I met a 33-year-old. It's my girlfriend who I've been

going out with for over a year. But when you found out she didn't know what a soda stream was, you felt like you'd only truly met her for the first time, right? Yeah. I was like, who is this? And she was from Manchester and she said, it must just be a southern thing, soda streams. No, because I have a 33-year-old girlfriend who's Scottish and she owns a soda stream. All right, so you've got an exact comparison. You have a 33-year-old girlfriend who owns a soda stream. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there we go. There we go. I mean, absolutely in your girlfriend's face, James. To be fair, that could not have come at a better time, that bit of information. I literally stopped there to picture myself winning an argument after this.

Oh, it's a lovely feeling. Hello. Oh, just have you got a map on you? Maybe get that out. Just wondering what Scotland was before we have a little chat. I think that's very good. Also, Jaggy, the only time I've heard Jaggy before is the band Biffy Clyro did a song called There's No Such Thing as a Jaggy Snake. No. They are from Scotland. And I thought that I thought they'd made the word Jaggy up, but now... Well, hang on. What do they mean by that? A bumpy snake or a spiky snake. A bubbly snake. Bunky. Bumpy. Fizzy. Bunky, that's not a word. Fizzy snake. But I mean, there is such thing as a fizzy snake. We all know there are. They're delicious. Absolutely. I love them. Oh, yeah. Just remember what you mean.

Yes, I do. Did you like Fizzy Sweets when you were a kid? Yeah, I preferred and still do. I'm not that into sweets. Sorry. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Warning signs. The sour fizzy ones. If it's sour and fizzy, I'm all over it. Okay. How sour are we talking, though? Toxic waste? No. I mean, tangfastic. I've never had a sweet that was too sour for me. But I don't feel like I've been truly challenged. Sure. I've not gone to anywhere specialist places and gone, give me a sourest sweet, dicks. I mean, I don't know why you're being so jaggy in the sweet shop. Yeah, you're being very jaggy in the sweet shop after your jagtastics. I don't like tangfastics. What? Yeah, I know. I think it's because once I was in a train that devailed and to try and

cheer the passengers up, they handed out tangfastics. And now I think I associate it with trauma. I would say that's the last thing I'd want if I'd been through a traumatic experience would be to eat a very sour sweet. Yeah. I'd want something smooth and comforting, right? Yeah, 100%. But I also, I was at the back of the carriage and I was watching the tangfastics make their way to me. So you know that I'm lucky if I get cola bottles here. Do you know what I mean? Everyone else is going to take all the good ones, the dinosaurs and stuff. Well, so I'm not sure something smooth and comforting is that practical if you're in a traumatic, like if there's been a terrible train accident, how are they going to manage to come

around and give everyone a small pot of macaroni cheese? Yes. Yeah, it's more prep, isn't it, to be fair? A bag of tangfastics. What would be your ideal sweet after a train accident? I think minstrels would be, a bag of minstrels would be a bit more comforting than a tangfast. You know what, I thought it was a stupid question and your answer has just justified the question. Because it's the correct answer, I think, a bag of minstrels, not revels, because you want predictability, don't you? If you handed out a bag of revels after a train accident. Yeah, first I've been in a train accident and now I've got a coffee one. Yeah, yeah. I think you have both named the best and the worst sweets that could be handed out.

Minstrels number one best one revels the worst after any sort of traumatic event. Except if I was on the train because I'm the only person in the world who loves coffee revels and would have everybody's. I would forego my bag of revels just to go around and have everyone's coffee one for them. Wow. Now, does that make me like a hero? Yeah, actually. I've never met anyone who likes the coffee revels. I don't mind them. It's a bit of a sort of stereotype, isn't it, that the coffee revels are the worst ones. Yeah. I don't mind them, but I'm certainly, if I'm popping a revel in my mouth, I'm disappointed if it's the coffee. Because really, I'm looking for an orange. I'm looking for a multi. You're looking for orange. I love an orange.

I don't like the orange one. I like chocolate orange, but I find the revels chocolate orange too powdery, like my knees. But that's why I like them. I bite down into the orange one, and I go, oh, it's like my friend James's knees. Mind you, mind you have your pal. Yeah. Jess, before we move on, just quickly rank all the revels in order from worst to best. Okay, raisin, worst. Okay, yeah. Is there a nut one? Is there a nut one? It feels like it should be a peanut one, but then. I don't think there is. I don't think there is. And then I'll go orange. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then I'd go multi-zer. Yeah. And then I'd go sort of like a, oh, like a shellless minstrel. Yeah. Solid chocolate. Yeah. Like a slug to a snail. Yeah.

The minstrel would be. And then top of the tree coffee. Sorry if I've missed one. I'm now obviously on the revels Wikipedia page. Yeah, mate. Originally, revels had orange creme, coconut, toffee, or toffee or peanut centres, along with galaxy counters, minstrels minus exterior shell, and multi-zers. Yeah. The coconut centres were later replaced with coffee creme, and the peanuts were replaced with raisins. Original revels flavours also included Turkish delight, which was withdrawn after five years. And in 2008, they had a Big Brother style eviction campaign, where one flavour from the bag would be replaced by special limited edition flavour. Ooh. Is it too early to say this is our best episode? I think toffee. I forgot

toffee. Toffee's still in it. That hard toffee. Yeah. Toffee's still in there, which is my favourite, actually. Ah, OK. Is it? No. I would put it above, for me, just under multi-zer, actually. Yeah. Lower half of the league. Yeah. It's in the relegation zone, but not. It's surviving. Is there any that we'd all agree is top half? No, because I think I'd go raisin top. What? What? What the? The thing is, I love a chocolate raisin. I love a chocolate raisin. I love a yoghurt raisin. I love anything within the genre of covered raisins. Coffee isn't too bad. It's not a bottom. But I think toffee might be bottom for me, because it's too chewy. What the hell? It's too chewy. Sorry, Grandpa. Also, coffee was briefly replaced by strawberry.

Oh, fuck off. Yeah, I agree. I hate strawberry-flavoured things. Or banana-flavoured things. If necessary, strawberry or a banana, don't take its flavour and put it somewhere else. I agree. Raisin. I find chocolate-covered raisins, and even more so yoghurt-covered raisins, to be a great idea. Perfectly executed. When I see them, I'm like, I can't wait for this. I'm going to eat all these chocolate raisins. I feel sick so quickly, even more so with yoghurt-covered raisins. They make me feel sick head. Oh, really? Yeah. Not disgusted by them. Actually, it's physically like I'm going to puke. Yeah. And you have such a capacity for sweet things.

Yeah, I know. I think it's just that it's a sweet thing covered by another sweet thing. It kind of works like a malt-teaser. It's biscuit-y. It's not that sweet. I don't know. It's double sweet. Also, there's so many foods where it's really nice when it gets a bit stuck in your teeth, like that's the point of it. But with a chocolate-covered raisin, I find that very annoying. I don't want it to still be there when I've finished it. This seems like a real witch hunt. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread, Jess. I listened to your episode with very funny and amazing Louis Theroux. But the one bit that made me go,

hang on, do you want to fight? It's when he said, why would anybody have bread? Because you'd be so full up. And I thought, yeah, yeah, you might. But I am going to say pop it up. But I think it's so only when you go to like a nice restaurant that anyone would give me some bread before you didn't. I think that's such a sign that you haven't really exciting time out and about. But I'm going to go pop it up over bread because purely for the love of dips, for the love of the dips, the pop it up itself is kind of an okay thing. But it's really just a shelf for exciting things. Also, I have, I really like getting way too many pop it up. If you're ever getting a takeaway, because I secretly like them all bendy the next day.

If I'm going to have them crispy, I want them loaded up with like a really fit lime pickles and really mustardy pickles and stuff, all the tangy ones and hot ones. But if it's going to be on its own, and then I do love it on its own, it's got that little bit of a bend in it the next day. Personally, I'm not a fan of the bend the next day. In fact, I would say I desperately try and finish all the ones that are on the night because I'm like, oh no, otherwise, these are right after my. So it's very interesting to meet someone who prefers, I don't think I've ever met anyone who prefers the stale bendy pop it up the next morning. Yeah, but she also likes the coffee rebels, mate. So you've got to think that through.

There's quite an intriguing palette. Jess is a maverick when it comes to taste. So at the dream restaurant, would you like some fresh ones with the dips and then will every so often in the pile, they'll just be a bendy one and you never know when it's coming. Oh my God, it's amazing. I never even thought that that might be an option. Imagine if that could ever happen in real life. I'm not going to have actual dreams about this dream, because of that. Oh, yeah. How bendy do you want it? Do you want it bendy enough that we could feasibly make a wrap out of all the dips? Yes, exactly. No, that's exactly what I want. I want some. I like the idea that you can like, you can basically fold it up. Oh, yeah. Like a big floppy

dog's ear. Not hairy. Golden Labrador ear. Oh, God, yes, please. Poppedoms with all the dips. It's rare we get a unique choice for this course, because obviously it's, you know, it's poppedoms or breads, very binary choice. And somehow we've got floppy poppy poppies. We've got floppedoms. That sounds rude. Right, well, we'll absolutely get you your floppedoms. Don't worry about it. So we come to your starter, the big leagues now. I mean, really, it's small league starters, you know, nobody really cares about them. They're not the best. Oh, shut up. Oh, no. You're right, Jess. I'm just worried that I, I don't know. I didn't expect to feel like this much

from Freak, but starters is my favorite course. No, don't worry. Don't feel like a freak. You're on my side. James is trying to rile me up. Starters are my favorite course. Yes. Starters are my pudding. Yes. Starters are my pudding. Yes. Can we both get that as a tattoo? Yes. Starters are my pudding. I actually might do that. I've been waiting for 37 years to think of something I like good enough to tattoo onto my body. And starters are my pudding might be it. My, I've got a really naughty four year old and he did a brilliant thing during lockdown where, because I sort of got into a pattern of letting him have a pudding after every like lunch and dinner, just to sort of get

him to eat each thing. And then one time he, um, he was like, I don't want this, mate. I'm absolutely sick of this, mains. I'm just so sick of all mains. And I was like, all right. Well, don't worry. You know, whatever. You don't have to eat it. And then he went, but I want, I just want a different thing. I want the thing up from afterwards. And I was like, you want pudding before you've even had mains? And he went, not pudding. And I was like, what? Then he went, sweet mains. He tried to reclassify pudding as sweet mains to see if we could just sort of survive on just puddings. I'll tell you what, you won't take a good long look at me because this is what your son's going to end up like when he's on them. Absolutely. And in that way.

A little acaster in training. Sweet mains. Sweet mains. My God, a guy. Is he, is he available to appear on a podcast as a child? But starters. I'm all about the starters. I'm not very good at choosing. I get a sort of joy, a kind of sort of happy kind of overwhelmed in restaurants where there's more than one option, to be honest, because I like everything. I love everything. So I just never know what to pick. And so if I could, can I get like a kind of a bento box, but not of Asian stuff things? Could I get like a tiny amount of different things? Yes, absolutely. On the same plate or box or whatever. So you'd like a box with the sort of little individual sections? Yeah, with a try of different things. A prison try?

Yeah, a prison try, please. We could still call it a bento. Actually, because it's the off-menu podcast, we should call it the Benito box. Yes. Yes, the Benito box. Isn't that the name of like a kind of burrito chain? Benito's hat is the name of the burrito chain. I've heard they're good. Never been in myself because it reminds me too much of work. So in one, there'll only be three sections to the prison tray. In one section, I want some like so fresh calamari that's like hours, hours away from having been in the sea. Because that like, I had it in Greece once and I watched the ship, like a ship, this tiny little boat come in and the squids come off it and they like smack them to death on the side of the

stone key, which was... Wow, you really have, you have thrown ethics right out the window, straight away. I was going to do that. Well, you did want to, but in my defence, when you said I'm going to abandon all ethics, I didn't think the word smash to death was going to come up later on. I thought you meant you just had to have some meat, have, you know, have something out of plastic bottle. You're not going to watch your food be dashed against the rock. Yeah, I want that. Then put into your prison tray, which now we know why you've been locked up as well. Squid murder. Smacked it up. Joyful, psychotic squid murder. Yeah, I want to watch the squid get thrashed to death by a fisherman, a Greek fisherman. Yeah, perfect. And then, yeah, I've just never

tasted anything like, I really like calamari, even if it's rubbish, like I've not a snob about it, but when it's good, and it kind of like just, just like goes and vanishes in your mouth, as soon as it hits your mouth. I want that in one section. And then in another section, I want an oyster, but I want one like a big Scottish one that's so snazzy that it tastes of all the scary and exciting things that oysters taste of, but also a bit creamy. And I want like Tabasco on that and loads of lemon on all these things. First time I've ever heard snazzy used to describe shellfish. I liked it a lot. I'll be easy getting future. Yeah. And actually, I've just gotten to having like a little bit of vinaigrette, that vinaigrette thing that they give you to be nicer.

That's a must. And now I'm going to go for the least ethical. I think potentially less ethical than watching a squid die before you eat it. What are you going to do? Are you killing the fisherman as well? No. My mind's going crazy here. What do you want to watch happen to the next animal? I don't want to watch anything happen. But I want an octopus, because I think it's so delicious. But I think it is the least ethical because they're so clever, aren't they? Yeah. They can plan ahead. And they haven't found any other animals that can plan ahead. Well, they can't plan that far ahead if they're getting eaten by you. Sure. Yeah. That's not on there to do this. They're cleverer than us, but they're definitely

cleverer than some people. How far ahead can an octopus plan, Jess? I don't know in terms of time, but I know it can find an object discarded, for example, by a human and hide it and come back to it and use it for something later, like a coconut shell or whatever. I have to watch a lot of Andy's Aquatic Adventures on BBC BBs or whatever it's called. Yes. Is this with Sweet Mains? Yeah. Sweet Mains. Thanks to Sweet Mains, I know in quite sort of a weird amount of our animals and dinosaurs now. And octopuses are basically utterly incredible. And we really shouldn't eat them, but they're really nice barbecued with loads of chilli and garlic. Yeah. They are delicious. Also, they look like something. They look like they're so clever they've designed their own tentacles

to look repulsive to a human. But then as soon as you've overridden it and shut your eyes and eaten a bit for once, you're then like, oh, you've ruined it. That mask of disgusting lookingness doesn't work on me anymore. Why do you think it's less ethical because the octopus is intelligent? Isn't that like saying it's probably more okay to kill a thick bloke? Yeah. I think that's exactly what I'm saying, actually. Yeah. That's how that's how things are working for. Yeah. What was the IQ of the victim? Well, lucky for you. I think that's I think that's a good lineup of things. Yeah. Interesting. You've gone calamari and octopus. Yes. Well, you know, when you go to an amazing seafood restaurant and then you get like sometimes you just get like a sharing thing. That's my

favourite because you can try all the things. For someone who's sort of challenged when it comes to choosing, that's the dream, isn't it? Also, I like that everything's from the sea in this starter. It makes sense. Do you like things that are from the sea to eat? Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Absolutely. Love octopus. Yes. I really, really like it. Just like chargrilled octopus, fried octopus. Dumplings legend in Chinatown. They do just a fried octopus with chili and salt and it is phenomenal. Chili, garlic and salt. It's just delicious. That was the one thing on the old starter thing that I was like, what do I do here? Do I try and make it all go together? Because the other element of starter world that makes my heart sing is like dumplings and dim sum and stuff like

that. But I was like, no, just keep it simple. So in an old boy, when he just eats the octopus raw and the actor did it in real life, was that octopus planning something at the time? He's got this shoot to wrap up and once I've done that, I can go to my trailer and then I'm going to go, what the fuck? It had its whole career, its whole film career planned out in front of it. Got to ring my agent after this. This film is, what the, what are you doing? What are you doing? Stop, stop. What do you think about that act of doing that, Jess? I always think about this. I just think it was so unnecessary. So especially when you watch it on the, when you watch it in the film, you just, I don't know how much that's really added to the film for me. I've never seen

the film. It's the only bit I remember though. Well, no, it's another bit I remember that's really horrible. But it's right in the last bit and he didn't do it for real. That's the thing, right? So later on, spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen Old Boy, at the end of Old Boy, he cuts his tongue off. Oh yeah. But he only acts that. Do you know what I mean? Like he's all like, oh no, I'm going to be proper, do this film properly. If I'm going to eat an octopus, I've got to eat a proper live octopus. I'm going to do it. What's the final scene? Cut your tongue off. Okay, well, I'm not going to do that. Yeah, little did he know because he probably thought, oh well, if I cut my tongue off, I'm never going to work again because I can't act any talking.

But then little did he know, eat an octopus alive as a stunt, you'll never work again anyway. Really nasty bastard. Just like I'm never going to work again after on your podcast, I've said I'm happy to see a squid smash to death in front of me and then eat it. Your main course, Jess. Okay, so I don't never ever eat meat, but I very, very, very rarely eat meat anymore. So I'm going to go back to the heady days of when I did that. And also, I'm going to choose, it's not going to be. Sorry, I'm laughing when I was imagining it. It's like, oh, like a cow shot by a Spanish man with a bazooka, please. I want a calf punched to death in front of me by an orphan. No, I am not that bad, but I do want a steak. So basically, I used to, I want

like a really posh surf and turf. And I want the exact one that a chef called Ian Simpson made, a hotel I worked in when I was a teenager, where I was on £3.50 an hour. I was a chambermaid, and I think I worked my way up actually to 350 was the top rate I was on. I was a chambermaid, and then I grabbed, like made my way up to being a waitress. And then, but we were never allowed to eat. The food was so posh there and he was the head chef. And then I'd get bollocks because you'd get so hungry taking this incredible food out to people and not being able to eat it, you know, knowing that you're going home to a fucking super noodle at midnight, like so heartbreaking. And like, you take the plates back in and people would leave stuff and you'd be like, you cunts.

Anyway, they take back stuff into the person washing up. And you just sort of just quickly eat it up before you gave them the plate. And then I got caught doing that and got the most horrific bollocking like they could have coughed or sneezed on that. And actually, while I'm saying that during a pandemic, it does feel like pretty disgusting. But at the time, I was like, I had fucking curt. It was really yummy. Anyway, once and only once I like saved up. I think I went, I kind of might have gone with a parent or boyfriend at the time and went for a meal there. And it felt like a bit of a Bussmer's holiday. And I felt a bit weird about it. It's like this place that I used to work and it was only like within a year of having stopped working there or whatever.

I'm just, I don't know if that's a bit of a stuffy restaurant, this old hotel. And then I ordered this surf and surf and it blew my mind. So I want that exact one. Like I just didn't know it was just a fillet steak with like a garlic butter over it, two or three prawns in their shells, like around the edge. That was it. I just had no idea that prawns or steak could taste like that. It was life changing. This is probably the first posh food I'd ever had or cooked by a really good chef that I'd ever had. Now, obviously it does sound very nice, but do you think it was all the quality of the food or do you think some of that taste was freedom? Yeah, there's 100% an element of freedom in there. Feels a bit like, you know,

pretty woman Julia Roberts going back to the clothing store kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah, there is an element of that. They caught you eating by the bins, but now you're ordered a surf and surf. Did you wear your chambermaid's uniform? So people were like, what are you doing eating the rest? You should be working. You'd be like, not anymore. I think it would work really well if my chambermaid's uniform was like the stereotypical chambermaid's uniform, like a sexy French maid or something people think of. But actually, it was like a really disgusting burgundy tabard. So no. I'll be honest. I didn't know that chambermaid was still a job. Yeah. Well, someone needs to clean hotels, bedrooms. Sure, but I didn't think

that the job was still called chambermaid. Oh, didn't you? They've probably snazzied it up a bit now and called it housekeepers helper. Housekeepers helper. Bed changer. Towel swapper. Towel swapper. A towel swapper doesn't sound like they're being employed by the hotel. It sounds like a rogue, kind of like someone on their own who's sneaking around just swapping the old towels around and you don't know, or maybe you're going to get a fungal infection because the towel swapper's been in. This does sound good, though. Yeah. I like whoever came up with surf and turf, I think was my kind of person because they've obviously gone, normally you should have these things separately, but I'm going to invent a dish specifically just to pile on as many different

types of things that I like as possible. Yeah. And if you come up with a nifty name, you can get away with anything. Yes, exactly. There's no natural way that a cow should ever meet a prawn. No. Apart from in a surf and turf or a sort of fun cartoon series. Yes. If a living cow meets a living prawn, then there's probably a surf and turf about to happen. I think that the cow would see the prawn and go, oh, no. It instantly, no. The prawn wouldn't. The prawn wouldn't care. The prawn wouldn't know anything. The octopus would be like, I know exactly what's about to happen. I'm out of here. Oh, no. Quick. Plan my exit strategy. The prawn. Nice to meet you, cow. What's going on?

You don't get a lot of cows around here. Why are you so scared? Tell me more about Ian Simpson. Yeah. He was my, so he was a chef at this hotel. It's still there. It's called the Perlec House Hotel and Saunage. And he was a chef for years. And there was another really wicked guy called Eric who would, who managed the restaurant. And they were sort of like, well, they were mates. And it was just the most fun place to work as a teenager because we just always got really drunk after work in one of the turrets or in the sneaky, the sneaky little fusty bar. It's quite a sort of old people-y hotel. But anyway, it's just really lovely. I've stayed friends with them. When I got a bit older,

I did some babysitting and stuff for Ian and his wife, Liz. And then they moved to Charmouth up the road in Dorset, which is stunning and opened their own like tiny, really posh little hotel there when it stayed there once or twice. And we're still friends. So it's a nice happy ending to the, to the in Simpson story. But when I was first working there, I was really scared of him because he was a really shouty chef. And they used to do pranks whenever they got new young chefs, they used to do pranks on them. They got this lad, Darren, they'd send him down to the co-op, the one supermarket in Saunage and make him ask for things like dangleberries or chicken nuts, chicken nuts, basically 800 different very creative words for testicle. They would

they would have him go down to Bodgins or co-op and ask the staff member for when he just did it again and again and again without realizing that he was being diddled. I'd love it if, you know, Darren did go ask for those things. And like the shopkeeper was like, they're having you on, mate. They're all these things being testicles. I tell you what you should do. And then he could have just gone back to the kitchen and went, Hey, I got your dangleberries right here and then whipped him out, whipped out his own balls onto the chopping board. Go, here's your sweet mains, baby. Oh, that's ruined sweet mains forever. Yeah. Yeah. I know that's what you named your son. And I don't want to ruin that for you. Sweet mains foster queue. Yeah, the super mains foster queue.

Let's go do the side dish now. Oh God, I suppose actually then I was going to have some like triple fried chips from a really specific stall at the end of the road festival. Because once they're the best chips I've ever had and I'm from the seaside where I think the second best chips have ever had come from, which is all chippies by the seaside. Yeah, these ones, I'd had like a really terrible gastric flu after Edinburgh. You know, like after this is how all the best food stores, you know, after, well, I don't know about you two, but after Edinburgh festival, every year, my body goes, fuck you for doing that to me for a month, adrenaline wise. And I just get an ailment. Like sometimes it's to be, I've had everything from X,

whatever. My body will just fall to bits for a couple of weeks after Edinburgh. And this year it was just a really intense gastric flu. And it just passed. I've not been able to eat anything. I hate an illness that stops me eating. So I'm furiating because when I'm not eating, I'm very sad. Anyway, it was the first thing I tried to eat a few things and just puke them or whatever or worse. And it's just, oh, and it was the first thing again, probably they tasted of the freedom or the joy of being able to eat again as much as anything else. But this stall that just did these triple fried chips. And this is a few years ago when it was, it was probably the first time I'd ever seen something been like more fried more than once, as if that was a good

thing. And it bloody was actually. But I'm not going to have those. I've talked about them from ages for ages, only say I'm not going to have them because I think I'm going to have sagaloo as my side. That's got potato in it as well. I love Sagapaneer as well. But I think in this context, with that steak and prawn, I want sagaloo. I love spinach loads. You can have a shit sagaloo, but even a shit sagaloo is really good. And when it's super good, and it's like, oh, I don't know how to describe what they, I don't know how they do what they do to the spinach that makes it like no and near ever grainy or bitter, but like smooth, but earthy, but like a little bit spicy, bit more maybe peppery. Oh yeah, I want that. Is there a specific place that you get the sagaloo

from? It won't always be on the menu there because it's quite a fancy place that has like a mixture of things. But I'm going to say Baba in broccoli. It's like a sort of very high end Indian restaurant, but it's still super reasonable. And they'll do like a five course tasting menu that will always have sag something in it. Last time I went there, they didn't have sagaloo, but I'm sure they'd rustle you on up. It's the same sag that will be in their sag paneer. And their paneer made me go, oh, I've never had paneer before like it's meant to be. It was like all soft. And I was like, what? It's not like that kind of like brick of it that you can get in supermarkets or normally, that you have to like, it's kind of almost as much of a headfuckers tofu in terms of how

you're going to make this nice or absorb another flavor. Yeah, I know what you mean. It's their daunting ingredients, right? Because it's just like getting a bit of polystyrene. Yeah. Of going like, what the hell am I supposed to do with this? There is a way of getting flavor into it, but oh boy. Some kind of magic's involved. What did you say the place was called? Baba, B-A-B-U-R. Okay, thank you. I thought you said Bilba. I'd absolutely love it if an Indian restaurant just called themselves Bilba. Welcome to Bilba. Is there any connection with the comedian, Bilba? Nope. Oh, no. Going back to the triple cooked chips briefly, Jess, why do you think they stopped at triple

cooking chips? Because I remember for a while there were double cooked chips and then someone went, I'm triple cooking them. But then no one's ever gone quad cooked chips. Is that too far? I don't think it's too far. I think it's just harder to say. And it just doesn't sound as good. I think it's all a sort of oral aesthetics, isn't it? Do you want a quad cooked chip? No, can't say it. Don't want to hear it. Yeah, four times. There's no good way of saying it. No. Triple cooked chips is definitely the way to go. Sounds nice. I am going to be honest. I don't really understand what makes them triple cooked. Because in my head, it's like they're frying them. Yeah. They're taking them out. They're frying them again. They're taking them out.

They're frying them again. I think that's it, yeah. But why don't you just fry them for longer? Why don't you just keep them in there for ages? I don't really know the science behind it. I think it might be to do with the moisture as well, getting them out, drying them. If you let the fat cool before heating it again, I think it does something that makes the outside crispier and crispier each time. But eventually, and doesn't it sort of decay the crispy outside a bit each time as well? So maybe that is why, maybe that's the boring real reason why you can't just do like quintuple fried chips, because the decay will have outdone the extra crisping. But those are my favorite chips are the ones, the tiny ones right at the bottom that have

almost no potato left in them. They're just a dark brown husk. Yeah, I love husks. You can't ask for a bag of husks. Well, what's come up on the chat here? The Great Benito sent us the recipe for triple crisp. The preparation process involves the chips first being simmered. Oh, it has some lumen tail thing. And drained of water using a sous vide technique by freezing. Joe, what? Even mitten down, Benito is boring. I think, I mean, I know it's warm in your flat, James, but you know, when you tried to read that triple cook recipe out, it was almost nonsense. Yeah. Yeah. I was a drain of water to be. It's like a Harry Enfield character. Yeah.

And then had the temerity to accuse Benito of being boring. When he's copy pasted something out that we've just asked for, and then you've not been bothered to read it properly. God, Benito is boring, isn't he? I do feel like a classic Benito. That's why I've never acted in anything. No, the script writer is boring. You're just delivered if you're bad, James. But we're going with Saga Loom. That's what we're going with. Delicious. Oh, here he goes. I'm not going to say what I was going to say because it would involve, I know, look, I've been in this comedy game long enough now to know that if I did the riff

I was about to do, it would end up, I can join the dots, like an octopus, I can plan ahead. And I know exactly where it was going to end up, and it was going to end up with me singing Saga Loom to the tune of Agadu. And I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not about to walk down that path just yet. Is it something to do with Jess having push pineapple for dessert? Oh, I hope there's push pineapple for dessert. Push pineapple. That's the part of the song. I'd say push pineapple makes less sense than the actual phrase Agadu. Yeah. Agadu, I can understand that. Shake a tree, fair enough. Yeah. Pushing a pineapple. What are you playing at? One-handed or two-handed? How do you imagine it? I know the dance move is

two hands. It's two-handed. But it always seems too much. I was thinking, I could push a pineapple one-handed. Why is it always two hands? You need two to shake the tree, I think. You push a pineapple with one hand easy. Push a pineapple with one finger. I mean, it's easy, but they're always two-handed pushing that pineapple. But is the pineapple on the, is it a pineapple tree? So surely, if you skip straight to shake the tree, you're doing the same as pushing the pineapple. But then why is push pineapple first? You're pushing the pineapple, then shaking the tree? It's absolutely mental, isn't it? Are you getting the pineapple out of the way? You're rolling all the pineapples out of the way just to shake the tree and get a load more pineapples down. So,

you know, which shake each batch of pineapples came from? Yeah. Which vintage of pineapple it was? And we haven't even started on what aggadoo means. That's how ridiculous push pineapple is, is that I should accept aggadoo out the, straight out the gate. Aggadoo, yep, absolutely. Push pineapple, hold on. What? What you've done now, James, is unfortunately everyone listening for the next at least 24 hours will be singing aggadoo, but also replacing it with sagaloo. Yeah, I mean, replacing it with sagaloo, they'll be saying push pineapple and then that'll blow their mind. You might have even ruined me ordering it ever again for the rest of my life. Yeah. Could have looked cool. Certainly out loud. I mean, you can probably do it on like a takeaway

menu or delivery or something, but if you've ever got to order sagaloo in Babur again. I can say it. Also, now you've said delivery, I'm thinking delivery to the tune of aggadoo. Too hard to push the pineapple. I'm not going to get, I'm not going to. No. Unless you're a little hamster. Yeah, maybe that's what, maybe within the song aggadoo, you have to imagine that you're a hamster. Have hamsters got hands? Have hamsters got hands? No, Jess, they've just got little stumps. They just, their little balls of fur, they roll around. They've got flippers. What about hamsters, guys? Pause. I can still push a pineapple. Fair enough, I suppose. Could they? Well, they push those little balls that they're in, don't they?

I mean, they probably couldn't move the pineapple, actually. Yeah, if you followed out a pineapple, they could have run around in one. Yeah. Okay. What animal is small enough that it would have to two-handed push a pineapple, but also strong enough that it could actually push that pineapple and get some movement? Good question. A cat, I think. A cat? A chihuahua? Yeah, something like that. I think some sort of marsupial sort of small, yeah. A macaque. A macaque could get some movement on it. Definitely a macaque. Probably quite a long list, actually. It depends how long we've got. Yeah. So, what I could do is actually through the eyes of a macaque. Yeah. Stump-tailed macaque. Yeah. Ordering sagaloo. Ordered a sagaloo. I was now pushing a pineapple,

but is that stump-tailed macaque strong enough to shake a tree? Definitely not. Unless it's a tiny little tree. We've got to presume it's not that. Or the cat. The cat's not shaking a tree. Small bear. Yeah, actually. I think it's got to be a small bear, hasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, a small bear. It's got to be a small bear. Yeah, a small bear. A bear cub would push a pineapple with two hands and it could also shake a tree and get some movement out of it. Done. Tick. Oh, thank God for that. What's your drink, Jess? Oh, I find it very hard to do real, like, all the drinks.

I think with this feast, it's going to be, let's say, like a snazzy champagne. A snazzy champagne. Pulling out the snazzy. Snazzy is the oyster. Yeah. Actually, I think that's the one thing that would go with all the things. Don Perignon. That's the snazzy. Don Perignon. Yeah. Now, are you a champagne buff? Do you think, because I've got no idea, I could drink a Don Perignon and I think I could drink any other sort of champagne, and I don't think I'd be able to tell the difference or what the hell's going on. I'm not a champagne buff, but I'm not completely, I don't know nothing about it.

My dad worked for a champagne company for, like, 15 years. So he used to go to tastings and stuff and pour little bits of champagne for people. What? Yeah. So he worked for Moet and Shundan, who are called Moet, Hennessy, Christendure, Vieux, something now. Weirdly, we also, I find this makes me sound so much posh than I am. He was just a travelling salesman, but we always had champagne in our house, but I hated champagne until I was in my 30s, and then suddenly something slightly clicked in and I was like, oh, that's very nice.

But yeah, the nicest bottle I've ever had is he got me a bottle of Don Perignon, which is like the best Moet and Shundan, basically, from named after the monk who invented champagne, created it. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, that's Don. And then he got me a bottle from... Donna's in Short for Donald. Don. Don. Don, all right. Short for Dominic.

Yeah. Dominic Perignon. Dominic Perignon. And he got me a bottle from the year I was born, 1983, and I drank it when my son was born, and it was all biscuity and almost creamy and amazing. Now, I mean, if anyone ever accuses me of being posh again, I'll just let them know that I always thought Don Perignon was called Don Perignon. If you always had champagne in your house, when teenagers go out drinking

and they nick booze from their parents' drinking cabinet, did you always, like, just turn that with two bottles of bubbly, like an absolute legend? No, because that was where I drew the line. Also, I don't want to get him carried away by social services, but my dad was... My dad would be the one who... Because he worked in London in the week and would come back down to the doors that I was growing up. He would bring me enough booze for me and my mates for every weekend from when we were so illegally young.

We'd have, like, all our copots and stuff. So I never needed to be that kid that nicked out of their parents' booze cabinet, but once we got older, yeah, if I'd be, like, a girl with Sally's doing dinner for everyone or whatever, he'd be, like, take this bottle of champagne, I'd be like, okay. I felt like a prick, though, rocking up at 17. I love the thought of you as a teenager, just you and your mates. Seeing that down here, I'm going to meet the girls, go get pissed behind a skip, and he's like, do I have some booze?

Yeah, I'd love some booze. Hold on a second. And then he gets, like, a bottle of champagne and holds it like a waiter's properly hold it with his arm, like, behind the buck. Well, will this do? Will this suffice? Cut to you and your friends, they're going, hmm, they're biscuity. Are you getting those notes? Jemima. It's Jemima.

Not Jemima. Foske, you wouldn't hang out with a Jemima. No, not one Jemima in my life. Can we try and guess your friend's names? Yes, please. My Dorset ones, yeah. When you were growing up. Yeah. Well, you've already said Sally. Yep, sorry. I gave that one away.

So that's one. Um, I think you would have been friends with a Natalie. No, Natalie bullied me. Okay. Well, that, I thought, man, I could not have misfired more there. Just amazing how quickly I've forgotten all girls' names, apart from Jess and Sally. It was, you'll kick yourself because they're like, the names that every girl was called.

Steph. No, that's my girlfriend's name. So you're not friends with your girlfriend? Yes. So competitive, he gets it with that right away. I guess that's a point then for me, is it? Rebecca, Becky. Oh, close, but no.

Jane. No. Jane. I'm not that old. Jane's the only girl's name I can think of. Rachel. You need friend called that. You can have that.

Sarah. No. How we're not got one yet? Violet. No. Violet's Beauregard. Uh, Caffe, Caffe Burke. I wish.

Look, we did really well there. All we had to do was guess some ladies' names, and we came up with Violet Beauregard and Caffe Burke. You were so close. We come to Sweet Mains. Sweet Mains. Thank you for giving it its proper name. I'm hoping it's the Sweet Mains.

It is going to be a Sweet Mains. I don't, I'm not all, I'm very rarely in the mood for a pudding. Like I think I've got like a salt tooth instead of a sweet tooth. Yes. Salt. Yes. I've never heard it described like that. That's a good tattoo.

Salt tooth and, and then starters on my puddings. I get starters on my puddings tattooed like as one of those big stomach tattoos. And then I'd walk into a restaurant and when they asked me what I want for dessert, I just lift up my t-shirt. Already had it. Yeah.

And they go, society, do you want starters or what? I'd have another starter. I'm fine. Yeah. They wouldn't know what you meant. I'm a salt tooth. Do you, what about that? Do you not understand?

Yeah. But even though I'm a salt, even though I'm a salt tooth, I don't want to, I don't want to be that guy that skips straight to cheese. So I want something really lemony. My mum makes, and apparently it's my Auntie Penny's recipe. We should be my great Auntie Penny. This lemon meringue thing.

It's like a roulard, does that how you say it? Yeah. And then inside it's like the most bright, bright lemon. And then outside, the very outside is all crusty meringue. And then there's this kind of like interim circle that's got like dots of that softer meringue and something else, but it's all soft. And it's, you serve it really cold.

And the lemony bit is like so sharp that it almost tastes fizzy like sherbet. But it's also really light. Like it doesn't give you that kind of like gippy, sugared up. You know when you've been over sugared, like you might be from the chocolate raisin. It doesn't give you that because it's so refreshing

like it's a proper light. It's like a slap round the face, but it's done internally. Yes. An internal slap. You know, you know. And I'd like that. Like you just swallowed a Greek fisherman. Yes.

And then with it to come just as I'm finishing it, can I have like an amaretto coffee? Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Is it an Italian coffee? One of those, please. Sounds delicious.

I love lemony stuff. I think I've only come around to it in the last few years, but lem, oh, extremely lemony desserts are right up my street. I worry it's maybe, because I feel like I talk to lots of people who say this, but, and I worry if it's our aging palates. Like if it just takes a bit longer to like something that intense. Yeah, maybe our mouths are dying because of age and we need something just really,

really exciting to fire them back up again. Except your knees, our mouths. All I could taste anymore is lemons and anchovies. Yeah, I don't think I've ever regretted getting a lemon dessert. However, every time I look at a menu, I weirdly write off the lemon desserts in my head. I'd skip past them if they're not even proper desserts. But then straight to chocolate.

But then, yeah, but then when you get them, you're like, I know this is absolutely the best one. Yeah, yeah. And I made the right choice, but not enough times to I make that choice. What's going on there? Do you think it needs better PR? Yeah, no one's pushing lemons. Yeah, shake a tree.

Hey, but that's what pushed pineapple, is this the PRT? It's exactly it. We need to push these pineapples. I think we're supposed to for pineapples. We've got to push pineapple. We need to push pineapple a lot harder, guys. And no one's buying these pineapples. We need to push it.

Lemon posset. My dad made a lemon posset once, which is the richest thing I've ever eaten. Yeah. He was like, I've made this lemon posset, and I've put it in wine glasses, and then everyone got about three bites in and went, that's enough for me.

Thank you. And he just had to scrape it all into the bin. Oh. See, my dad and your dad would be the perfect team. Yeah, I think so. My dad would finish those. Although I'm sorry to, I know it's your episode, Jess, but I'm just going to read out my dad's off menu choices

that my sister forced him to pick. Oh, now give us some context for this. When did this happen? This was a few days ago. I don't think my dad's ever listened to the podcast, but my sister listened, and her and her boyfriend tried to get my dad to pick his off menu choices while they were on a walk.

Just going to read them out. My dad's quite a stubborn man, by the way, so this is what they could get out of him after two hours. Poppedoms or bread. Neither. It's too much. Starter. Caspaccio.

Main. Can't decide. Side depends what the main is. Drink depends what I'm eating. Dessert. German cheesecake. That was two hours. Oh, my God.

Get him on. Get him on the show, guys. Definitely your start. Shortest episode yet. I love just the stubbornness of main. Can't decide. Side depends what my main is. Yeah.

Yeah. Drink depends what I'm eating. Dessert. German cheesecake. Lovely. Well, I mean, I think that sounds like a very good menu, Jess. And I like that you've got the Amaretto coffee shot at the end as well.

Yeah. I had one the other day, and it was the first time in years and years and years, and I was like, what was that? Why have I not been doing this more often? It's really nice. Hang on. Even my coffees now need a sweet mains.

Now you're talking. And it's going to be alcoholic. Jess, fast and cute. I'm going to read you back your menu now. See how you feel about it. See if you still feel good about these choices. You would like sparkling water. You would like floppadoms for your poppedoms or bread choice.

Starter. You want a bonito box. Fresh calamari straight out of the water. Big Scotcher is still with Tabasco and all the trimmings. Barbecue octopus as well. Yeah. Main course. Ian Simpson's surf and turf.

Side dish. Saga lu. Lu lu. From Babur in broccoli London. Drink Dom Perignon. Snazzy. And dessert. You would like mums, brackets,

fire great auntie pennies, lemon roulade with an amaretto coffee. Whoa. Yes, please. Yeah, that is really good. God, when you put it all in a row like that, I couldn't be more smug about my choices of monest. Ethics be damned.

Ethics be damned. Sorry, ethics. Bad luck, ethics. That's a good menu. Absolutely delicious. Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Jess. Thanks so much for having me here. I feel like we sorted out a lot of issues.

I feel like we raised a lot of issues. Ari, Agadou. Yes. So if anyone wants to get in contact and let us know the origins of pushing the pineapple, do do that. But that is an absolutely delicious menu. Jess, tell us about your food podcast very briefly,

because we didn't give it a proper push at the beginning. It's called Hoovering, and it's about eating. Yeah. Yes. And Jess is a better host than us, because quite often when you do the podcast with Jess, she will bring you food. Yes.

Jess bought food to my flat to record the podcast. Probably exactly two years ago to this day. And I had just moved in, and my flat was completely bare, and we just sat in an empty room. And sat on the floor in that butcher, didn't we? Yes, and it was exactly what I needed. Yay. And to Ed's house, he had a white sofa,

and I bought some borsch round, which is... Yes. The most staining food of all time. That's one of the most stressful, yeah. A lot of people have that complaint about doing podcasts with Ed. It's a stressful experience. It's very hard for us to get guests onto this, actually. Not true.

I love this podcast. Thank you so much for having me on it. Well, thank you very much for coming. Push pineapple. Shake the drink. Well, there we go. I think that was a pretty delicious menu from Jess, actually. Scrumptious.

Real scrumptious. Lovely to see a shout-out for the surf and turf. Yes. And thank Jesus, actually, for Jess not saying hemp seeds. Oh, yes. Thank you for not saying hemp seeds just foster cube, because Ed would not have liked that. He would have huffed and puffed.

I would have had to get my blow-in lips ready, and blown Jess out of the restaurant as well, which I couldn't do, because I can't even blow a pumpkin seed off the plate. Apparently. I mean, you could, and you should try it, but... I couldn't. OK, if it was a pile of pumpkin seeds,

I couldn't blow them off the plate. Well, you keep changing the rules here, but like... But you could, actually. It's my game. Joe, what? Even if it was a pile of pumpkin seeds. Yeah. With a few breaths, you could get it off the plate,

because you disrupt the pile with the first blow. It's been a long lockdown. It all stuck together. It's been a long, old lockdown. I don't know if I want my blowing powers, like... You exercise all the time. Everyone knows it. Yeah, but I've not been...

I've been mainly working on my shoulders. I've not been working on my blowing, my seed blowing, like I normally do. I think you'd surprise yourself. OK. Well, that's something to do anyway. When we can finally meet up, me and James will get together and we'll...

That'll be our next live stream, actually. We'll live stream some seed blowing. Yeah, we've got a load of different seeds. Try and blow each seed and see how far we can get it. 12 quid a ticket. Thank you very much, Jess, for coming into the Dream Restaurant for another Home Cooking episode. Great menu.

Do go and listen to Jess's podcast, Hoovering. It is a very good food podcast, which I think predates ours. And they've had a lot of wonderful guests on in the past. Everyone you can think of, everyone you'd like to hear, really. Jess has also got a stand-up special available, James. Our next up is called Silence of the Nans. Go and watch that.

It's excellent. So funny. Just get as much Jess foster cue in your life as you can. Do it. I highly recommend it. But for now, let's say goodbye. It's time to shut the doors of the Dream Restaurant once more. And we'll see you again sometime soon. Good bye.

Pull down the shutters. We'll see you again sometime soon. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hello, I'm Lou Sanders. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club. It's about cuddling.

Yes, but really it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who is your mum's favourite and when we last unfaithful. Previous guests include Alan Davis, Ashtonine B, Katherine Mayan, Rich Dozman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar and other legends. Get it on A-Cast, Apple Podcast, Spotify or wherever you get your all podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in CC stands for Cuddle Club. Hello, it's me, Amy Gledtel. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread.

I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure.

But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Gledtel's mum on every episode.

That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.