Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 95: Rosie Jones

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

Hope the corner shop’s still open, because the Genie’s going to need to do some shopping to whip up comedian Rosie Jones’s dream meal.Listen to Rosie Jones’s podcast ‘Daddy Look at Me’ on Acast or wherever you get your podcastsFollow Rosie on Twitter and Instagram: @josieronesRecorded by and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Hello. It's the Off Menu Boys here. You're listening to our podcast. Now, just a quick message to tell you about some exciting things that are coming out soon from former guest of the pod and good friend of the pod, Nish Kumar. Wow. What's Nish? Nish is an excellent comedian. We respect him as a comedian, if not, I mean not as much as a person, but as a comedian. We respect him so much. One of the best out there, and he's got two audio specials coming out in your nature to destroy yourselves.

Part one and part two out on the 19th of March. They are indeed out on the 19th of March. Two fantastic albums. What an amazing show. I saw it many times live, and they will be available on all streaming and download platforms. Go and get it. Can't stress this enough. Don't respect him as a person. Only respect him as a comedian. But this is him doing his comedy. If he was releasing an album of just him chatting, so it was like an experience of you can pretend he was in the room, I would not be plugging it. No, we would not plug it. Don't respect him as a person. Only respect him as a comedian. Nish Kumar, in your nature to destroy yourselves,

Friday 19th of March. Parts one and two on all streaming and download platforms. Welcome to the off menu podcast where we dip hot and crispy chat into cool humour. Hello, James. Hello, Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Yes, full name James Acaster. Full name James William Bartholomew Acaster. Oh, not far off. Not far off. I know that William's right, isn't it? Yeah. Now I'm trying to remember. Now, you have a funny middle name. I have an amusing middle name. I've got two, actually, no. Yes. I'm very annoyed that I can't remember them because I think that one of them is like a surname. Surely you've seen my hit show Blood Sugar, James. I have seen your hit show Blood Sugar and your very funny routines about

your father and him giving my middle name. You're in your sibling's bad middle names. I remember that his cat is called Mutabi. Matatabi. Close. Matatabi. Oh, shit. Matatabi. That's even funnier. Now, see if you can guess my middle names. Benito loves guessing games. He loves guessing games. I feel like it's something like you're named after some soldier. Or is it your sister's middle name? That's my sister's one. I'm just going to reveal what it is. My middle name's Stevenson. So anyway, anyway, this is not a names podcast, James, is it? No, no, it's a food podcast. We have a guest into the dream restaurant and we ask them what their favourite ever starter main course, dessert, side dish and drink is. And people get annoyed

when I say it in the wrong order, but you know what? I don't care. He doesn't care. The guy couldn't care less. And this week our guest is Rosie Jones. Rosie Jones. Rosie Jones. She is a wonderful stand-up, a soon-to-be-published children's author, which is hilarious because, as you'll hear, she is a very rude lady. Yep. She has a wonderful podcast of her own called Daddy Look at Me with Helen Bauer. Yes, she does. We've both been guests on that. So go and check that out. It's about the things you used to do when you were a kid, when you used to show off to try and get your parents' affection, et cetera. It's very, very funny. Go and check that out. But James, even though she has all of those wonderful things and she's such a wonderful comedian, if she says

a secret ingredient, which we don't like, we will kick her out of the restaurant. And the secret ingredient this week is... Rose water. Rose water. We don't need that shit. Thank you. I mean, it just... I don't see the point in it. The flavour's just a bit nothingy. I'd rather have normal water, to be honest. It's like having a bit of bath water get into your mouth. Yeah. Yeah, that is exactly what it's like. So I'm all for kicking Rosie out if she says it. If she says that she's getting out. I suspect that she won't say Rose water. I'm going to put it out there. She's never given me a Rose water vibe, to be honest. No. But yeah, we couldn't resist it. Her name's Rosie. Her name is Rosie. That's true. So actually, even if she orders any water, technically,

she's ordered Rosie water, which she's out for that, right? Fair enough. Yeah, let's kick her out for that. All right. Cool. Well, here is the off-menu menu of Rosie Jones. Rosie Jones, welcome to the Dream Restaurant. This is the first time we've had a guest where you can hear them being excited before I've said anything. Welcome, Rosie Jones, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Say, I heard a rumour that you had banned me. Yes. Who did you hear that rumour from? You. Yes. I think I said that. I mean, I've been waiting. I've been in that queue

for years. And every time I get near to the door, you shut it. Yes. Why do you hate me? It's a good question. James is the one who's clearly banned you. I wasn't aware of this arrangement. Is this come from you, James? Yes, I banned Rosie. Yeah, I think she's disruptive. We try to keep her quiet restaurant here where everyone can just relax. She's very disruptive. She's a bully on occasion. I'd say she's a bully. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, it's not making you sound like a bully at all, Rosie. I am not a bully. I build characters. That's what you're doing. I get it. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yes. So, James, were you worried that Rosie was going to build our characters too much if we advised her to?

Yes. I don't like people building characters in the dream restaurant. Yeah. And I thought she's going to come in and try and build our characters. And also, I was worried that I thought we ban her now before she gets on because I reckon if Rosie said the secret ingredient, I think she would refuse to leave if we tried to kick her out the restaurant. Oh, yeah. Now she's in. We're not getting rid of her. No. I brought my suitcase and I'm here to stay. She's going to live in now? Yeah. Become part of the whole world every time you have a guest on. Yeah. We're going to have to give her a job. Yes. What job would you like? Oh, my God. Can that be the dorm, man? No, no, because you seem to just want to refuse people. You're just there saying no, no, no, no, no all

the time. You sure? Yeah, because I want it to be my restaurant. Why does anyone else need to come in? I'm here now. You can just cook for me all day every day. I mean, you really are missing out if you're just listening to this, which you are because we don't release a video, but the gesture Rosie did when she said cook for me all day every day, I mean, it was like watching a four-year-old girl at a princess party, just going, and... Yeah, you put both your hands in the air and you stuck your bum out to the side and did a little squidge motion. A squidge motion, that's what it was. Yeah, squished a whole body together like that. Yeah, that's what she keeps doing. You want to be the bouncer and stop everyone

else getting in so you can eat all the food? Yeah. Right. I mean, what's your problem with that? Immediately, this is like, you know, justifying my decision. Oh, maybe we could do a takeaway thing. I'm the bouncer. People come to the door, say what they want, and then we make it, I eat it, and then I tell them if it's good or bad. Right. It doesn't seem like a great takeaway, I'll be honest. So the takeaway is that they know if it's nice or not. The main takeaway from this is that you're a bully. Honestly, how could I be a bully? I'm a little disabled lady. Right. How long did that take? How long did that take for that to be the excuse? It's a secret ingredient and a different disability.

The secret ingredient is disability. Unfortunately, you've got to leave the restaurant now. Goodbye. I'm very happy to be here. We're very happy to have you here. Despite James trying to ban you, I think it's going to be a good one. I'm looking forward to hearing your menu, Rosie. You like your food? You're foodie? Oh, my God. I love food. So much, so much, so much that genuinely, my first word was all gone, and I only started speaking because I ran out of food. And I needed to say all gone, which meant mom, get your shit together and get me more fucking food. Rosie, I'll tell you something, and this is true.

My first words were all gone as well. What? Yeah. I used to hold up the plate and tip it upside down. I would say all gone like that, and that was my first words. Oh, my God. James. Do you know what mine were? What? Poached salmon. That's not true. It was food based, though. It was hot. I had something hot, and I went hot, hot. Hot, did you? Yeah. That's quite cute. I am quite cute. I'm an absolute cutie pie, actually. No, no, no, no. Too far. And then my first sentence was actually quite complicated. It was, shall we all go to McDonald's? Is that a good idea? Rosie, I absolutely don't believe that, that your first sentence was that many words and so specific. Well, it was, we go to McDonald's. That's a good idea.

Right. Now we're getting to the bottom of this line. It wasn't, shall we go to McDonald's? Is that a good idea? It was, we go to McDonald's. That's a good idea. We go to McDonald's. That's a good idea. I mean, of all the abbreviations for McDonald's I've ever heard, I think McDonald's is my favourite. Be adopted in that. The answer to that is always yes. It is a good idea to go to McDonald's all day, every day. Unless you're going with me and then you might get angry. Yeah. James's McDonald's order is absolutely awful. I said McDonald's. That's not the same place. That's a different place, but that is always a good idea to go to McDonald's. Diet Coke. Starting with the drink. So that should tell you how bad it is that you start by telling

you the drink. Diet Coke. Grilled chicken wrap and a bucket of carrots. Initially laughed, now angry. The catchphrase has come back. It's a no-no for Rosie. Yeah, carrots. What's your McDonald's order? Weird as it, but you know what? I like his chicken selects. It comes in three so fives. So obviously I get 10. 10 chicken selects and bag of chips. My poor Rosie. That's it. That's more of a standard McDonald's order, but you're right. It's still quite weird. I don't know why. What's wrong with a Big Mac or a quarter pounder with cheese? What's wrong with you people?

I mean, we're going ahead of the game, but I don't like bread. I feel like what is the point of Brad getting nothing? Give me more meat. That's all I need. Brad, fuck off. All right, I knew that was coming. Well, let's start with still a spark in water, and then we're going to delve into this bread situation a little bit more. I mean, I've been burnt by this before. Tap. Rosie, give me a bit of tap water, because I don't trust you. You're a sneaky bugger. What? You're going to go still on the bathroom, and then you slap on a 30 pound water bill. No. Pass me a tap, and I'll do it for myself. You are a sneaky bugger, James.

Well, yeah. Well, for a second there, I thought like I'd done something to Rosie in the past, and there was still a spark in the water that I'd forgotten about, a trick to God. Do you want to still a spark the water, Rosie, and then come back with some massive trick, massive prank? I don't even know what it would be, but you mean waiters in general? Yeah, waiters in general, I once spent £40 on water. What? £40. Where? It was the Lowry Hotel. We went for New Year's Eve one time for a slap or meal, £10 a birthday bottle. Send out wherever I go, and I tap, tap. That's it. Hello, tap. Cold tap or hot tap? Cold, cold. And yet the sparkling water is a devil. I hate it.

You could not pay me to drink it. What is it? What is it? What is it? Fizzes for no reason. Well, I don't think it fizzes for no reason, Rosie. What do you mean it fizzes for no reason? There's bubbles in it. It's fizzy because it's got carbon dioxide in it. Why then? Who wants to fizz a bowl of shit off? No, no, no. I do sort of agree with you there. When you really think about sparkling water, there's no purpose for it. It doesn't really, it's not exciting. Like, Coke and stuff is exciting because it's all sweet and delicious and bubbly, and it feels like a Willy Wonka thing. Sparkling water. No, not at all. What kind of a tap do you

want me to use? Well, I'm getting your tap water. What's your favourite tap design? This is a great question. It is, but thanks. You know what? I like old school. I like my heart and my cold to be separate, so you know what you're getting. None of that swingy bowl shit. No, because sometimes you don't know what you're getting. Now, I want an individual cold one. Let's screw it, pour it, screw it back. Lovely glass of cold water. You know what I say? I say key keeping separate. And you like the screw taps as opposed to the push you pull ones or motion sensor?

No, no, no, not a motion sensor. Don't you ever, ever assume that you know when I want water. I want to be in control. But I think you're in control of the motion sensors though. They don't start running water when you move like 50 metres away. You have to like wave it over the thing. We've got a little sync with one of those like waterfall taps where the top of the tap is like missing deliberately. So you see it come out and then it like falls off the edge. But we very rarely use it. So every time you turn it on, it basically coughs a load of water at you and it's exactly the height of my dick. So whenever I try and wash my hands in there, I come out looking like I've pissed myself. Because I have, it's actually a very convenient

fault to have in the club. You know that everything your day after I work gives me that popper Oh What's your problem with bread? Because bread is delicious by itself. You can have amazing bread, put some butter on it. Lovely. A lovely sandwich, Rosie Jones. What about a lovely sandwich? Because I literally like all food. I do. I do like bread, but I like toasts. But the only thing I do not and will not eat is butter. No, I don't, I don't do any type of butter. But of course you do. It's in loads of stuff.

When I eat it, I can't see it. But in terms of butter and bread, now dry bread, dry cracker. Because I find it too greasy. Absolutely not. I do like bread, but I don't like white bread, buns, rats, sweet bread. I love a chipata. That's white bread. Thanks. I love a french stick. Yeah, white bread. I love anything with a little bit of a crunch. But now white bread, absolutely go for yourself. Yeah, all of those things you said were white bread. Well, no, I don't know what Rosie means. Sliced white bread that's all, you know, sugared up and made in a fashion. Bad sliced white bread. I only very, very, maybe once a year, I think. I'd really like

some just shit toast. No. No, no, I know. I know. Poppa-dums are bad. Always poppa-dums. What tips are you going for with your poppa-dums? And how are they less messy than butter? I like all the dicks of warm poppa-dums. So you're talking mango chocolate, right there, and the red one. What's the red one? It's really hot, isn't it? The hottest one. Yeah. Straight in the eyebrow. Yeah, obviously. No, I think it's mostly on the cheek area, but you do get some splash back. Got it. In an Indian restaurant, you must be the only person who actually uses the hot towels

they bring at the end. Now, you missed out some classic dips there, but the lime pickle is the one that people will be most. No, don't like it. Don't like it, Kim Bob. It's a bit too hot, and it's a bit too chunky. I got a jar of lime pickle for Christmas, my main present for my parents this year. They bought you a jar of lime pickle. They were cleaning out their cupboards in November. The Christmas just gone. That was my main present for my mum and dad, was a jar of lime pickle. Why don't they like it? You have to ask them. A good question. Yeah. Basically, with me having cerebral palsy, I try to eat the messiest fish, because that's how I find my true friends. Yeah. Whenever I want to test someone's loyalty,

I take them to a restaurant and I'll order ribs. Because if you're willing to sit there and watch a girl with severe cerebral palsy eat some really sticky ribs and get them frankly everywhere. We're talking face trousers, top shoes, table waiter on your hair. Like, if you're willing to go and sit here and watch that absolute monstrosity, that's a good friend. I really want to go for ribs with you now, Rosie. Look, I get messy eating ribs as well, but I feel like if I was with you, I'd also feel a bit more comfortable in just really letting loose and we could just go absolutely rib-crazy. That's the thing with me. I just do not give a shit. I mean, if there was ever a statement that someone didn't have to make.

Let's get on to your starter, Rosie. How messy is this? Because I like eating slow way. Surprise, surprise. Oh, I'd love if they bought back. Surprise, surprise. Rosie was the host. Oh, Rosie, please. If you could host a reboot of Surprise, Surprise. That is, that's good. Oh, my God. Popping between the first surprise and the second surprise, everyone will get the surprise. Somebody starter. I think it'll take me about three hours to eat, and it's just crushed. You're talking toy-glass. You just had pop-a-dums. Also, Rosie, you started, we started this interview by you saying, oh, my God, I love food. I'm such

a foodie. And your starter is, and I quote, just crisps. Just crisps. But, Rosie, I don't think you understand the scale of it. Okay, so you take us through again. I get toy-glass, fingers, baking masses, then little onion rings, salt and vinegar sticks. I want peanuts as well. I want cashew nuts. I want then cheese straws. Oh, I want hula hoops. I want the reto's of every flavor. I want knickknacks. But I want the barbecue rib version. I want the crinkly mini cheddists. I don't want walkers, because I feel like I can get walkers anywhere. You can get any of those things you've said anywhere. Every single thing you've said,

you can get in the same shop. You can get the walkers. Yeah, you're not traveling to Calais for the rest of the Mario. You've just ordered a lot of bar stacks, Rosie. This is now, you know, you did the move earlier. This is now the four-year-old girl demanding what crisps she wants at her princess party. But it's more about the environment and just about that. I'm there, I'm grazing, I'm eating, I'm having all my favorite snacks, a warm price. What's wrong with that? Do you want it all in one big bowl, Rosie, or do you want it in separate bowls? No! I want to be, oh, why did I say pretzels? No, I don't. I mean, you said everything else, but yeah, maybe you missed pretzels. I think you missed out pretzels and pork

scratchings, and that was it. No, Jim Bob, I don't want pork scratchings. I want pretzels. I want to be in control of where I dip. So now, in one bowl, you're going to get the cheese and the risottoes on the twig. Never once said cheese and twig, do that. Sure. Actually, it sounds quite nice now you've said that. Melted cheese and marmite, nice, isn't it? Cheese and marmite, yeah. I imagine you, Rosie, with like 50 bowls all lined up in front of you on the table, and you're dipping in and going back and forth really quickly. And it's like, you know, when you see people with loads of glasses with different amounts of water in, and they play it like an orchestra, I see you playing the snacks like a water glass orchestra.

Yes, see, this is also a question because I hope that in your restaurant, you're able to surround me with a table that looks a bit like a donut. So ideally, I want to sit in the middle and have the table surrounding me, so I get 360 swivel, so I'm like, twig like that, so oh, what's it? I've actually, what's it? No, you didn't say what's it? Then what's it that's behind me, and not everything goes lined up in front of me. Do you want the table to rotate like a lazy Susan around you, or do you want to spin round on your chair in the middle, or do you want both to spin round and you see what happens? Do you want to be in charge of how the table rotates, or do you want it sort of slowly going

round so you can just like pick as it goes around a bit like a yosushi belt? No, no, Ed, how do you not know that about me? I need to be in control, I need to control every little detail of one hour the table rotates. Yes. And please, please, about every 20 minutes, you surprise me with a different snack, so I'm always excited. Did you say Quavers, did you mention Quavers? I haven't mentioned the Quavers, but I bring the Quavers, but only cheese, don't bring me that crumb cocktail shit. Now, I'll be honest with you, Rosie, this is not my sort of starter, look, I like nuts, I like the nuts element, that's great. I think I might be a bit of a crisp

snob, you know. I don't like Quavers, Watsits, Twiglets, the chipsticks, I don't like any of that, I like proper, like my favourite crisps, Rosie, are Torres black truffle potato crisps. They are phenomenal, have you had them? No, because I'm not a pretentious prick. Well, I am, I'm happy to be a pretentious prick if I can sit there with a big bowl of black truffle crisps munching away all day long, yum yum yum. Oh, my God, space, space, yes, I had that one lined up to ask. A big bowl of space. Do you mean space raiders? Raiders, not any raiders. Weirdly, even though, like, you know, we've talked about a lot of crisps, there are still some ones I would like to ask you

about, see if you like them or not. This one often gets forgotten, I'd say, I'd say you only remember these crisps, they even exist when you see them, but yet they're one of the most common ones. Squares. No, no, you're right. Honestly, earlier today, a little voice in my head was like, squares, and I went, no, no, they taste of nothing, no. That's fair enough. Well, how do you think they've kept going that long? Because no one's favourite crisps, right? Really, we should move on and talk about your main course. I've just remembered, this is your starter. I was sat here going, oh, we really should move on, we haven't had Rosie starter yet. In the back of my mind thinking, it can't be just crisps. Yeah. Yeah.

What I like about it is when I'm saying that it's a controversial choice of starter, you look at me as if, how could anyone not pick just crisps for a starter? It's the only choice for a starter, it's just loads of crisps. Honestly, I'm a fan of the podcast, but I'm not listening to them all. And when I pick, that's why I'm listening to them all. Someone else must have done just crisps, it must be every other episode. Have they ever done just crisps? I don't think yet we've had anyone say, for my starter, I would like to eat crisps for three hours. I don't think we've had that yet, no. Okay, it was the three hours. It's just so lovely because you never get bored, you never get full, you just

revolve in that table and crunch in those sweet, sweet crisps. What have I never gone into a restaurant and been able to order just a shitload of crisps? Well, maybe throughout your meal, we might surprise you every now and again with a packet of different crisps and see what you think. Oh my God, that would be incredible. Can I get a different crisp between each course? Yeah, for you, we'll do that, absolutely. We've never done that before on our menu, but yes, for you, Rosie, we'll give you a different crisp in between each course. So we come to your main course, which I imagine is a load of chocolate bars. What are we talking about now? I think you'll like me later on, because again, I want to grace and stay in

with a revolving table, but I am having tapas, just every Spanish meal you're talking, potatoes, bravas, I love a little bread, I love a little pankone tomatoes, I love a lot of seafood, I love chipirones, which is really octopus, I love bocorones, which is sardines, I love fondigas, which is meatballs, I love chorizo, I love all the hands, I love all the cheeses, because I'm being sneaky and I was going to have cheese for pudding, don't hate me, obviously I do. But now I can have a cheese section behind me, all the manchego in the world, yeah, my nana is Spanish, so you could just rub her, pop her in the kitchen and she'll cook everything.

Certainly in my eyes Rosie, I feel like you might have redeemed yourself from the just crisps situation, I absolutely love all of that, I love Spanish food, albondigas especially those meatballs are absolutely incredible. So great. Tell me you didn't mention croquetas. Oh my god, how did that not, I think so, you can get me fish or veg croquetas, I think I'll go for some mushroom croquetas, because I've got enough meat and seafood at the side of it, so I'll just pop the croquetas in a little arc in front. How do you, Rosie Jones, handle going to a tapas restaurant with other people? Great question, you need to go with a right person, so you need to go with someone that you're on

the same level with, you know that if there's three of you and six croquetas are placed on the table, you should know in your heart of hearts that you are getting two of those. Shit kicks off if I've had one and another person goes in for a food, then I get nasty. What sort of shit kicks off? I honestly can't even imagine that. Any level of passive for Rosie Jones is an unimaginable situation. If you think that shots go ahead and usually they do back off and shit themselves, but if they go, oh I haven't been counted, I go well I have and that's right.

My girlfriend is the perfect person for me to go to tapas with because she loves food, she loves all the stuff we order, we always overorder, but then she fills up quite quickly, so she'll have a taste of everything and then I go into, then I really start eating, I'm ground sweeping then, I'm just annihilating everything that's left. What I can hear is someone going, I'm done, it's all yours because then or holding me back, I'm going in. Yeah, their catchphrase is I'm done and your catchphrase is all gone. Perfect duo. Basically we're all divided into one of two categories, it's all gone or I'm done and you need to pair up, if you're an all gone, you need to pair up with an I'm done to go to tapas.

Yeah, I mean if there's an I'm done outlet who's a little gay lady looking for a disabled human who almost always has ribs in their eyebrows, come get me. Yeah, what a great dating advert this is. A disabled all gone, seeks little gay lady, I'm done. Oh, and as we get to the end of that main course, I just bought over for you a lovely packet of salt and vinegar discos. Oh my god, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really good. But I mean we talked about snacks a lot, but I don't think I emphasise how much I like salt and vinegar. No you didn't. So you absolutely nailed it. So when I was a kid salt and vinegar was my favourite and cheese and onion was my least favourite. I like cheese and onion now, but I

definitely thought it was either or. Me too. I'm the other way around guys, it's because you two are both all gongs, first world was all gone, you love salt and vinegar, hate cheese and onion, I was all about the cheese and onion baby. Any way to get more cheese into my system when I was a little boy. Ah Rosie, how did you feel about this? This is my first real big, like you know, it's very confusing for me as a kid when they when walkers swapped the colours of salt and vinegar and cheese and onion. Let's swap the green and the blue. And to me always salt and vinegar is blue and cheese and onion is green. It makes sense, doesn't it, because onion should be green right in my head. Yeah and salt from the sea is full.

There you go, all over that. I hate to just keep talking about crisps, but I have really got drawn into Rosie's crisp chat, I'm afraid Ed. And it's just nice to hear someone shout out. I tried to chip in, I tried to chip in with my opinions of Torres Black Truffle crisps, but I was roundly shouted down. They do an Iberico ham flavour as well. No you can't call me yet with some bullshit crisps that no one's ever heard of. Are you kidding me? They're so popular at my local shop when they get new shipments in, they don't advertise it because they know they're going to get a rock on. I went down there the other day, there were none left on the shelf, I had to go round to another aisle and I found the

boxes and I opened the box and got three bags out and bought them. Oh my god, you need to get your pride over to the crisps. It says the lady sitting in the middle of the rotating table for the crisps. Exactly, exactly. Benito's saved a screenshot. Ah, so this is the question, why did you switch the colours of salt and vinegar and cheese and onion flavour walkers crisps? We're often asked this, are salt and vinegar and cheese and onion flavour crisps packed, have always been the colours they are today. Contrary to popular belief, we've never swapped the colours around, not even temporarily, we've no plans to change these designs. So you guys have invented something happening. Bullshit. They're bullshit. Yeah,

they are bullshitting. It was a massive thing. I love that Acast has finally turned into a conspiracy theorist and of course it's crisp based. Yeah, of course this is what's got me. Let's go on to your side dish to accompany all the tapas you've just had. Here we go crisps. May I respect it? This was happy because technically all my dishes are side dishes. So I decided to go different and something you don't get in a tapas restaurant really. I'm having a cigar take. It was the only thing left behind the bar at the pub you wrote it for your starter. No, no, no. They said it's a pot cigar take. Got you. We're talking running a big sausage filling or maybe two types of meat in that sausage

and you're so nice it's crisp based. Come be on the outside. Which is called breading Rosie. I don't know if you know that it's called breading and you've already said you don't like bread so unfortunately we're not going to be able to give you that. We're giving you a Scotch egg with crushed up poppadooms around the outside. You never thought that I would or anything to make it crisp better. You did that to spy on me and naturally yes please Edward that sounds lovely. This is the menu. The only menu that we've ever had where I don't want to like it but I like it a lot and a hot Scotch egg with a runny yolk in it. Yeah with two types of meat in the I mean this is great. I would personally choose you know pork and probably black pudding. I would like

us for my two types of meat. What would you have? Yeah. That's what I had because I think the black pudding with the pork and dribbling just thinking about it. Yeah pork, black pudding, runny yolk, poppadooms on the outside. I love posh Scotch eggs like proper big posh Scotch eggs was running with them so good. When I was first properly getting into food like I was just discovering restaurants and all excited about it I went to meet my friend at a restaurant called the Harwood Arms which is like a gastropub and he was half an hour late and I was really angry about it and then the man the waiter came over and went uh while you're waiting we do Scotch eggs we're quite famous for our Scotch eggs. Would you like a Scotch egg with a drink and I had a big Scotch egg

and a pint of lager and the evening went downhill when my friend arrived. I've never been happier than I was with a Scotch egg and a pint of lager. Now Rosie I can tell you what crisps I've got you or I've actually got them right here so what I could do little game I could turn my camera off and I could crunch the crisp and you can guess from the sound what crisp it is. Never been happier, never seen her happier than this. I love the games so actually if you can play games with me throughout the meal that will feel okay. Here we go. Putting my camera off you can't see me. That's the sound of the bag. Here we go a single crisp.

Love very nice. I think this is what people imagine off menu is if they've not heard it. I'd be very impressed if you get this Rosie. I'm gonna put my camera back on now. I think it was a big crunch but not just that I think it was a thick crunch so I'm gonna say monster munch. Interesting Ed. I was honestly gonna say monster munch as well. I think that's what it sounded like to me but then also I thought why didn't why hasn't Rosie said monster munch yet? Why is that not on her revolving table? So I'm also gonna go with monster munch. Okay if you're listening at home now's your time to pause the podcast make a guess yourself. The answer is pop chips.

It was pop chips and you know I should have known it was pop chips Rosie because I was also sent some pop chips. But actually you reminded us of monster munch so I'll keep the pop chips but can you also go and get me some pickled onion monster munch. It is the best flavour of monster munch still to this day. Yeah hot I do like the hot one but beef no. Beef stinks. When Ed was a little boy the only monster munch he could ask for was the hot one wasn't it Ed? Yeah hot hot I actually can I just say I don't think I'm giving myself enough credit when I was a small boy. Hot was my first word yeah but I was actually I was very developed in my language skills but I took a long time to get control of my bladder and butt so my mum always says to sum me up as a child

I could stand at the bottom of the garden and say mother I appear to have done a poo in my pants. We come to Rosie Jones's dream drink. So I think right now I've been there for about seven hours so I'm flaking a little bit because I'm tired of moving the table around so I'm going to have a little pet poop. I'm having an espresso martini. Yes if anyone needs an espresso martini less it's you Rosie. Honestly if I walk into I mean this is a long time ago now given where we are in the world but if I walk into a bar and I see Rosie Jones there it's the most energetic person I could possibly expect to see just like the atmosphere changes Rosie's screaming she's coming over she's shouting in your face she's excited to see you.

You are an espresso you are a replacement for an espresso martini for me the idea of you having an espresso martini surely everyone else in the bar ends up dead. Well actually I just enjoy it energy wise it doesn't change anything because we can't get high. Yeah I've honestly been on a night out and I did about 10 extra packs of martinis I'm sort of the same with coffee really I could probably but I'd probably only do like three espresso martinis just because they were too sweet really but yeah I it doesn't really affect my energy levels or sleep or anything does it you James? It affects me for years Rosie I didn't have caffeine in my diet at all and I cut it out of my diet and then I started like drinking diet

coax and stuff like that again which tasted like real coke when I started drinking it again um and it was very weird actually but every now and again I do have a coffee or something like that if I if I feel like I need one and I really do struggle to get to sleep later on in the day. Yeah it really really affects me and once the last like meal out I had was just before so you know early 2020 and me and some friends went to Copenhagen to go to Noma it was a very very special meal and at the end they gave us some like cold brew coffee kombucha that had a bit of booze in it and it was so good and I just kept on drinking them because it was like one of the nicest drinks I'd ever had and I did not sleep a week so I was alarmed at how much it affected me I felt like

I'd never sleep again and you haven't and actually also this year all during lockdown and stuff like that anytime I've had a little bit too much cherry pepsi max or anything like that I can't sleep at night everyone else's lockdown has been like oh I think I'm eating too much or I think I'm drinking too much booze at home there's sort of no way of distinguishing between the weekdays and the weekends I think I'm having too... James is like I'm having too much pepsi max I can't sleep anymore I'm having too much pepsi max my mum's not here telling me to put the bottle down I don't speak like that do I? So I've never ever had an espresso martini oh mate don't because that is a road you can't go down

because they are absolutely delicious they're truly delicious We arrive at your dessert you've kind of put my mind at ease already by saying you know you're not going to have the cheese in this because you had some cheese earlier you had the man-checker you've had cheese so I'm happy because you've had cheese and James is happy because it's not going to be in the dessert yeah oh although we should have given you another packet of crisps before your dessert I've got a suggestion James or do you you've got one in the chamber no I haven't really I was struggling okay here here's one that's not been mentioned I think it fulfills what you like with strong flavours Rosie but I don't know if you like this

particular flavour nice and spicy knickknacks yes yes yes because I mentioned rib knickknack surely um I think they're my favourite but nice and spicy yes please scampi no no those that was the most aggressive flavour though it was like lemon and scampi wasn't it it was really full on I mean I love a knickknack but their flavours are brats I had lemon scampi knickknacks at a kid's birthday party when I was also a kid and I ate so much of them I was I because I thought they were so delicious and then I puked and it was so the most worst puke ever so much regret you've had your hot and spicy knickknacks now we come to the dessert I'm really worried um because am I moving away from my table absolutely not

I just want sweets sweets yeah just some sweets just some sweets please I want some marwams some jelly babies some jelly beans some darling messages some store-related some rainbow pencils I want a few chocolate things in there so I want buttons and rebels and milk buttons and all keep the fractures and I like some chocolate fractures I want some white mice and yet I want them all in individual bowls yeah and I want to dip in and out just stop stop doing that gesture like it's not the 50th time you've done it in the last hour Rosie we know we know you want lots of bowls and that you want to dip it in and out this is

essentially you're pretending to be an octopus for 12 hours while you're in a restaurant well those are all very good sweets they're not they're not the white mice are an absolute abomination they ruin this whole meal for me if you're having those white mice yeah no I was going Joe like no here's the thing Rosie I was about to bring up the exact same thing so it you know we were both there thinking when you started saying that I'll have some here I bet Ed went through this as well you went I'll have some chocolate and we both fought in our heads because you were going like quite pick and mix you up until that point it made immediately made me think of chocolate mice yeah and I thought well she won't choose that and then it'll be a subject

we'll bring up afterwards we'll say and Rosie how do you feel about chocolate mice and she'll say she hates them because everyone does and then we can talk about that so I think we're both very surprised yeah no I do recognize that it is shit chocolate I do get that but that's why I like it and your childhood in a little mouse yeah I guess it is your childhood in a little mouse yeah you realized how ridiculous that was halfway through saying the word mouse there you thought I'm going to finish it here we go it's your childhood in a little mouse I guess I'm going to say mouse all right see I'm not a sweet I'm a big chocolate guy I'm not a sweets guy mainly because as a type 1 diabetic what you've basically

done there is picked an entire circular table full of what I might need in an emergency you could save my life with this meal Rosie but I don't want to sit down and enjoy it I'm the same now because I think when I was a kid I really overdid sweets I wasn't that into chocolate but I'll go to the there was a corner shop and also a tuck shop after cubs and I'm both of those I went absolutely mad just buying so much sweets every like when I with my pocket money for my parents I remember it went up to two pounds and I my first question was am I allowed to spend all of this on sweets and they said yes the best I was like this is like 200 sweets from the from the shop and also as soon as I learned the guy couldn't be bothered to count them all I was like

well obviously this is now the best day of my life 500 sweets from the corner shop what was your shop growing up that you'd get all your sweets for I didn't have a corner shop near me I remember every Saturday we did a big shop at Safeway and I do not know why but every Saturday me and my brother would play a game with a jiff lemon you know the lemon juice that looks like a lemon we would try to smuggle it into the shopping trolley without my dad seeing and then the game would be to get it home without dad knowing we will never steal it

but it will be a case of when he was paying you needed to strategically hide it on the conveyor belt and then when the person beat it through you needed to quickly put it in the bag without him knowing and every Saturday without fail he would be unpacking and they picked the lemon and every week you see him go I don't remember just adding it to a pile of lemons yeah I'm going to read your order back to you now Rosie and we'll see how you feel about it

Benito's just sent through the menu to our WhatsApp group so James can read it out and let me tell you it's going to take five full minutes James yep water tap poppins up red poppins with mango chutney writer and the red one starter three hours of crisps twiglets pringles bacon rashes onion rings salt and vinegar sticks peanuts cashew nuts cheese straws hula heaps doritos every flavor knick knacks only barbecue rib flavor crinkling mini cheddars pretzels what's its quavers brackets cheese space radars all in separate bowls plus surprise snacks every 20 minutes that's the starter yep main course tapas every dish potatoes bravas little bit of bread with tomato lots of seafood octopus sardines

meatballs chorizo all the hams all the cheeses mushroom cookies afterwards surprise salt and vinegar discos side dish pork and black pudding scotch egg hot with popadom bread in and surprise pop chips and pickled onion monster munch drink espresso martini plus some surprise nice and spicy knick knacks dessert some sweets maroam's jelly babies jelly beans dolly mixtures strawberry laces rainbow pencils chocolate buttons revels chocolate pretzels white chocolate mice childhood in a little mouse separate bowls for all of them yet again how do you feel about that when i read that back to you i cannot be happier i'm glad someone is i've won i've nailed it there's no need to do another episode thank you very much rosey thank you rosey

well quite the menu there from rosey and what i say menu i do of course mean the entire content of a small shop yes fair enough dream meal have a rotating table and have everything on it please i i try to challenge her on it i try to be mean to her about it but there was she was genuine about that menu her eyes genuinely looked quite upset when i when i said that it was rubbish and i don't like sweet she was like but this is my dream menu this is my dream yes and she was so respectful to you about your choice of crisps so at least you could do was to return the respect exactly that's true she's a very respectful lady who did not say rose water and we we decided against kicking them out just for saying any sort of water at the start yeah

no that seemed wrong that seemed wrong but i kind of wish we had kicked her out to be honest of course uh if if it turns out they do make a rose water now i'm she is out on area yeah so you know tbc oh by the way the secret ingredient this week the rose water was suggested on twitter by can den's so thank you uh thank you for that can if you want to suggest a secret ingredient something that you don't like that you think should be a secret ingredient in the restaurant tweet us at off menu official yes please because we cannot think of any more yes we've run out of ideas initially we put the put the question out can you tell us some secret ingredients and i'd say 80 of the tweets we got and there are a lot of them what all things we'd done previously

there you go hopefully sweet chili sauce came up a lot the most controversial one we've ever done but i stand by it no i stand by it as well absolutely yeah horrible horrible horrible stuff oh i'll i'll have a big pile of glue please no thank you yep that just tastes like the worst type of sugar and put that on your food what and that's james a cast to save that yes exactly there's something sweet he doesn't like it must be horrible exactly that's like winning the poo turning down some honey uh rosie has lots of stuff going on like i say she's written a children's book yes she's also done a tv show which i think you've been on haven't you james mission accessible where rosie jones travels to the uk to find the most uh accessible places tourist attractions

events everything that you could do she had me on one of the episodes and uh she left me in a cave yes she treats us like absolute shit doesn't she she treats me so badly i can't believe we've got her on this podcast actually we're such good friends and uh to her and then she comes on this podcast and you she left you in a cave and she's mean about my crisps oh yep okay equal equal sadness equal sad yeah sure i'll i'll i'll go for that equal sadness so go and check that out check out daddy look at me the podcast she does with the very funny helen bower before we go i'd like to like to say thank you to native at home who sent me a lovely cook at home food box that i'm going to eat tonight sound very much looking forward to our cook at home meal and uh also a little promo

if you go to my website jamesacaster.com you'll now be able to find my latest show well latest show i've filmed it in 2019 but uh we've been able to release it finally it's on jamesacaster.com colas and you hate myself 1999 you can go and buy the show there and also there's a little bonus show called make a new tomorrow that goes along with it uh i think it's a tenner for all of it which is like two hours and 45 minutes of comedy not worth it not worth it at all i've seen not work oh hold on a second i just went along with my head no work do get it it's very good um shout out uh to dinings sw3 uh who sent me an amazing uh duck udon kit uh which is very exciting uh it was the susuru by masaki duck udon noodles uh which i think they're releasing as a sort of limited

edition thing uh and i can't i can't wait to have it also ed we have been sent quite a few cook at home boxes lately and i really loved the bagel box from the good egg oh delicious man that was so good i absolutely loved that check out the good egg for all your bagel and babka needs which should be high my babka needs are now high yeah i've got a big life of babka i'm looking at it right now it's on the sofa it's on the sofa yeah it's just sitting on the sofa in its box a big box of babka also thank you to black bear burgers for sending me some lovely burgers delicious thank you very much uh for listening to me ed gamble and little winnie over there uh we'll see you again sometime soon goodbye goodbye

hello there listeners can we recommend you a new podcast it's been going for three years but it'll be new if you listen to it now uh my name's stevie my name's desa and we host the nobody panic podcast which is all about how to be a functioning adult without consistently screaming and or crying all the time although crying is okay crying is good listen to our episode on how to cry at work it's all kinds of different how to's from how to be creative to how to concentrate to how to begin a small talk thank you stevie we bring our experience which is sort of minor and then we get experts in to really give the advice we release podcasts every tuesday um it's on apple podcast a cast spotify basically wherever you get your podcasts we're there we're there we're ready to

impart not our advice necessarily but the advice of others to help you get through your day and your life are we selling it yet i'd like to say that we're much better in the podcast than we are on this advert please do come over and check what we're like on the real thing oh yeah you'll be pleasantly surprised hello it's me amy gledhill you might remember me from the best ever episode of off menu where spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on uh mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since and i am joined by me aean smith i would probably go bread i'm not gonna i'm not gonna spoil it in case get him on james and ed but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience

to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing it's called northern news it's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north because look we're two northerners sure but we've been living in london for a long time the new stories are funny quite a lot of them crimes it's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called northern news we'd love you to listen to maybe we'll get my mum on get glills mum on every episode that's not the news when's it out aean it's already out now amy is it yeah get listening there's probably a backlog you've left it so late