Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Fern Brady (Tasting Menu)

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

We’re rolling out a Tasting Menu once again, and this time Off Menu fan favourite, Taskmaster star, superstar stand-up and podcaster Fern Brady gets given a surprise menu. Fern Brady has launched a new podcast ‘Ignore That Feeling’ with Alison Spittle. Listen to it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and watch it on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@ignorethatfeelingpodcast Follow Fern on Instagram @fernfrombathgate and TikTok @fernbradyofficialWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 19 Feb.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to off menu. The tasting menus, James. The tasting menus. That's what it is now. When we give a fan favourite guest, the menu of another fan favorite guest. Yes, it's an excuse to get some people back on. Yeah, always nice to get people back on, have a little chat. And we're very excited this week because we have a firm fan favorite.

Back on the podcast, our guest is Fern Brady. A Fern fan favorite. A Fern fan favorite. A firm, a firm, fan favourite. Yes. Lovely. Well, I mean, the amount of run-ups I took at it. Yeah.

Probably. Benito, I'll edit it down so you sound slick, I'm sure. Oh, thanks, man. Really appreciate it. Yeah, yeah. Of course, Fern Brady, a fantastic comedian, writer. Yes. A book is fantastic.

A hit writer. A hit writer. Huge success. A smash. Yes. A smash hit writer. Brilliant on Taskmaster as well. Of course.

We've already had John Kearns to a tasting menu. and the moment in Taskmaster where the two of them and Dara are doing that book task. Yes. And John is the saboteur. Fern is so funny throughout all that, calls him Dafty in the middle. Daufty in the middle, yeah.

And Fern is foody as well. Yes. Really, really likes food and enjoys talking about food a lot as well. So very much, looking forward to having her back on and we'll be giving her the menu of Phil Wang. I think we've given Fern a little treat here

because they're good friends, her and Phil. Yeah. And they eat together a lot. And I think she will enjoy this menu. I think their friendship hasn't been documented enough. Mm. And we can be the first platform.

Yes. To really break a lot of stories about their friendship. We're looking for scoops. We're looking for scoops. Hopefully we're going to get some hot scoops. Yes. About the friendship of Fern Brady and Phil Wang. Yes.

And it's a nice menu as well. So I think Firm will like it. I think it is. And I, you know, but you know what, it's interesting reading these menus from, from your because I think a lot of these menus

would have changed for people and Fern has a brand new podcast with Alison Spittle another friend of the pod finally reunited yes, finally they did a fantastic podcast with a misfortune

back in the day and now they're doing a new podcast called Ignore that feeling and you can listen to it wherever you get your podcast and watch it on YouTube and watch it on YouTube which Benito loves

very excited to have Fern back on this is not the off-menu menu menu of Fern Brady Welcome back Fern to the dream restaurant Thanks for having me Hello welcome back, good to see you again Yeah you too, why is there a lamp

The genie lamp that's on there Why do you think? I don't know Is it the new Papa Tom's or Bread? I don't know What is it? Now, when you did the podcast the first time Yeah What else do you remember about it other than

Popper domes or bread. Nothing. That's fair enough. That tracks. That's fair enough. James is a genie in the podcast. Do you remember that? Have you always been that?

Yeah, from episode one. Yeah, I was always a genie. Were you subtle about that? What do you mean? Yeah, I guess it's a bit subtle in a way. No, he bursts out the lamp at the beginning and then normally I explain to the guests that James is a genie so he can get you any food from anywhere in the world.

I mean, I've listened to a lot of episodes. Yeah, you have listened to a lot of episodes. Oh, but a lot of them, I tend to skip past the first bit of podcast. Sure. So the intro, and that's gone. Yeah. So you don't hear that.

I'd say, like, a lot of the artwork, there's lamps involved, and James is a genie in the artwork. Yeah. Is there? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, last time I saw you, you'd said, because you'd been on the podcast, and then you'd started listening to it, I think.

And you were like, I've listened to loads now. But clearly, in none of them, we mentioned me being a genie, which is off-brand for us. You may be mumbled it or something. I think that would have stood out. So that's an essential theme. Yeah, definitely a central theme. Quite often, if a guest hasn't heard the podcast, I'll explain that James is a genie.

And then quite often that leads on to conversations about genies. Yeah, there's been a few conversations about genie law and stuff on the podcast. Because you came on the podcast and then you listened to it, did you change your mind afterwards about? your menu where you're like, oh actually I wish I'd said this, I should have chosen this. Now I've listened to it. I'm not saying this to date the, but can you remind me of the format of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not surprised now. And you can edit that part out if you want. No, no, we'll keep that in. That's all staying in. So we ask you like, you know, whether you want still a spockton water, whether you want pop-ups or bread, what your dream starter is, your dream main course, your dream dessert, your dream side dish, not in that order. But you remember that if you've listened to loads of episodes.

Yeah, I mean, I think about the water thing a lot because I can only drink sparkling water now. I'll try and drink this, but I started only drinking sparkling water. And now when I try and drink normal water, it's so boring in my mouth that I'll often just get very dehydrated until I can have some sparkling water again. So you've always got it in the house.

It's the first thing you're drinking in the water. If I don't have it in the house, I then just have to drink all the other drinks in the fridge, which isn't good. So I would drink like oat milk, which I think is poison, all the non-alcoholic beer. First thing in the morning? Yeah, yeah. That's a good thing with a non-alcoholic beer, though, isn't it? You can't just have it first thing in the morning.

But you know what I've got in the drinking is really sad. Because I listen to that MADS, got microbiome podcast, right? And they've recently, you know, do you say? I say it kaffir or kifur. Yeah, yeah, kaffir. Right, I love it. Kifir is an actor. No, but they say kifur on the podcast and they're like experts at it.

So I was drinking kifir before that was like child's play kaffir. And then this podcast was like, you've got to drink this. It's from a goat farm in Wales and it's like the most powerful bacteria ever. And there's a guide on how to open it in your kitchen because it explodes all over the kitchen. So I started drinking that wondering what's going to do to me and it's meant to make you feel like more alive and they were like, don't drink this at night

because you'll just be too awake. Isn't that cool? And you've been having it in the mornings? Yeah, yeah. Is it good? Yeah, I had it this morning and then I like ran a 5K and felt like so alive. Wow.

Yeah, I was going to ask you about running but that's for another day. No, go for it. I don't really run anymore. You don't? No. But you're so fast. I do cross-films.

it. So fast. Thanks for saying I'm so fast though. There's a fly there's a small fly there's a small fly.

That's part of a podcast that's another format point. Yeah, fast and powerful because I did that thing where we were in big footballs

years ago with Lou's Anders. Oh yeah. It was one of Lou's activities. Zorbin. You went Zorby.

Zorb football we did. Yeah, and Ed was like really frighteningly fast and also would just like knock you over really powerfully. Yes, yeah.

Yeah. I had a big ball on, big ball on me to be fair. So you were knocking Fernover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I was thinking that, I was trying to do like a speed workout this morning thinking like, I'm wondering if... Were you keeping your arms as if you were in a ball? You meant to have your arms so that you're, imagine you're holding two handfuls of crisps. What? That's how you...

That's what you're meant to do with your arms when you're running. Uh-huh. Do you don't know that? Specifically crisps? Well, some people say a tray of drinks, but that's too stressful for me to maintain for the because I used to be a waitress. It was really bad. So I'd rather think of crisps.

Because then if you drop a few, it's fine. Yeah, and I think that isn't the idea that I'm trying not to crush them. So keep your hands like open. What sort of crisps are you imagining? Just ready soldered. But I'm going to do the marathon next year. And I'm really worried that I'm going to,

because I'm very food motivated. I keep setting for my long runs. I pick a place that I want to eat in London and then run to it. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. Because you've got to eat loads to train for the marathon.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's not an issue for me. I like run into Toads. Do you know those guys? No. The bakery. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Togue bakery. And then I ran to a place that claims to be like the only place in London that does proper putine and like proper good sandwiches. Nice. What's that cool?

American style sandwiches. I can't remember. it was somewhere in East London, but it was amazing. It was like, really, especially after a long run, it was unbelievable. So I take you're doing the whole long run there. You're not, you're not doing half the long run eating putine and then running back? No, no, I've got an Uber back. No.

Yeah, of course. I mean, I think that was like the first time I'd run like 10 miles or something. I run 10 miles just to get protein. I think that's a good motivator. It honestly does really motivate. me because otherwise you get bored doing the same routes. But yeah, I found out about

that sandwich place, I found out that with Americans they do actually have better sandwiches Americans and Canadians and it's something have you heard about this? No. It's to do with the way they like build all the layers in the sandwich and pack it. Right.

And they just have a much better sandwich culture than the UK, which wouldn't be hard. But yeah. Yeah, they're definitely do better sandwiches over there. Yeah, sandwiches are like, I respect the sandwich more. Yeah. I see it as an art form.

Exactly. So the plot line where Joey and friends would nearly die for his sandwich wouldn't make sense in the UK. I've thought about this a lot. Because no one would die for like an M&S or a best meal deal. M&S are like, if you're thinking about British supermarket sandwiches, they are the best. They're still like freezing cold like sad limped sandwiches. Aren't they all made in the same factory though? Well, they're not made as well, though, as in all the supermarket sandwiches.

All the sandwiches are made in the same place. But not with the same ingredients and stuff, surely. I suppose, yeah. I'm thinking like a wet tuna and sweet corn boots sandwich is not comparable to a M&S sandwich. Yeah, that you can get like steak and caramelised onion sandwiches. The M&S one would just be in a nicer roll probably. But I'm sorry to like have a dig at M&S there. What I just meant was like British sandwich culture.

When I was younger, I read a lot of the Garfield comics. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you like lasagna? Sorry for it. Yeah, that's probably where the lasagna thing comes from originally. Yeah, I wanted to be like Garfield. And there was one where Garfield and John, who's his owner, they love one at the end of each month,

making a sandwich out of everything that's in the fridge. And I just remember this panel where they're like going, oh, if we put peanut butter down, then the peas won't roll. of the sandwich. And even though that sounds disgusting, I was as a kid thinking, I want to make a sandwich out of everything in the fridge. And that sounds like, and so I was instantly like really obsessed with making sandwiches with as many things in them as possible, then very disappointed to go out into the world and not find any cool sandwiches in the UK

that did that kind of thing. Because this American cartoon had made me think sandwiches could be awesome. It's turning around though, because there's another big sandwich shop opened in London. I can't remember their name again, that are, that are trying to improve the sandwich game. If you like sandwiches with a load of stuff in them, there's an Italian style one that I made during lockdown. This was one of the only happy points of lockdown. We made it for a picnic,

and it's loads and loads and loads of layers in a chibata or a fecchi or something. And then you put like a heavy cast iron pan on it for the night to squash all the layers down. You're literally just squishing it overnight. Yeah. That's great. It's amazing.

I can't remember the name of it but someone listening I was going to know what I'm on about. Was it like meat and stuff? Very many layers of meat and cheese. Oh, that's what's that. Since I've last been on this podcast, I started eating meat again,

so I'm going to go to hell. That's good. That's why we got you back on. Well, I'll tell you how it started was tacos when I was in L.A. last year. Because tacos in the UK are rubbish, or good ones would be hard to find. and I just wanted to eat tacos every day

that was in America, specifically the beef burial ones. Yeah, yeah. I can't find a good veggie version of this. And they've fogged me up. Like, they really made my tummy hurt a lot. And I remember like Sarah Pasco or Ramesh or someone saying years ago, if you stop eating meat for ages and then you start eating it again,

your tummy's going to hurt because your body stops being able to break it down. and I just thought that was propaganda or something. But it's true. Yeah, yeah, it got you. I was in so much pain. But you worked through that. You were like, let's just keep having the beef until I'm fine again. Do you know where you hear about people like bottoming out when they're alcoholics?

So there was this night where I was in San Francisco, I'd ordered a load of tacos again. I ate them. They hurt my tummy. And then I went to sleep and I woke up again at like two or three in the morning. I teased him again, even though my tummy was still sore. And I just was, I didn't know why I was doing it. That's a low moment, but also a high point.

Yeah. Yeah, but it made me think like, I've got to stop doing this, but I haven't been able to fully cut it out since then. Yeah. But when it's good like that, I mean, I had amazing tacos in San Francisco. We walked for ages to find this place and had like the tongue tacos, Linguar. It was fucking great though.

No? You're not on that yet. No, and I hope Well, I won't I've been trying to be like, oh, call the flower tacos can be just as nice It's quite difficult.

We're going to be giving you another guest's menu. You're familiar with the, you understand the format for this episode because I know the main episodes are a bit hazy. John Dead's Media Margoley's one.

He did. Yeah, yeah. And so anyone you're hoping for whose menu we might be presenting you with? You know a lot of people. I know who I wouldn't want. Who would you not want? maybe like Alex Horn because he seems to not be interested in foods.

Yeah, that's actually a really good one to do for someone else, Alex Horn. Yeah, yeah, because it's disgusting. Yeah, I mean, sometimes I think it would be cool to be a food as fuel person because it would be easy to diet then, but then also it would take like 90% of the joy out of my life. Absolutely, I completely agree. Yeah, I'd hate it. It's just be so sad all of the time. Yeah, it is interesting to have those people.

on this podcast, like contrast to people that do like food. Yeah, you want to hear what life is like for them. And every time it just reconfirms to me that, like, that's not the way I want to live my life. Because you would assume that people who don't get joy from food are forced to find joy in other places in that life. But often they don't. No.

Really? Yeah, they just say, well, what gives you joy? And they're like, no, nothing. Walking about. I don't even say that. The question confuses them. Yeah. What gives you joy?

They go, I don't really know what you mean. What is joy? I'm just alive, aren't I? I just have to do stuff every day and wake up and do stuff. You're like, no, no, you can enjoy these things that you have to do. Yeah. Like eat. Eating dinner is like my favourite thing about touring.

Do you try, when you're touring, do you try and find a new place to eat when you're in a new town? Yes. Actually already, I'm building up a list for this tour that I'm going on of different tackle place. is people have been trying to recommend barbecue places in Texas, but I'm not, it wouldn't be that fussed about that, no. I think if you like the sort of the slow-cooked beef tacos. But I don't want to, I want to like start to move back from that. Oh, you're pulling away from the meat.

Well, you shouldn't go to those. Yeah, that's like diving to heroin when you're trying to quit coke. Yeah, yeah. I'd be more into the side dishes like cornbread and macaroni and cheese and stuff. Yeah. So we're going to reveal now whose menu it is.

Okay. Today, Ferne Brady, you'll be eating the dream menu of Phil Wang. Oh, I know him.

Yeah. He's introduced me as so many great food experiences. Yeah. But he also, we went on holiday together,

right, last, no, two summers ago. And, So just you and Phil? Oh, it was so weird. It was just going to be me that went, right?

And then I said to my little brother, do you want to meet me there? Because he lives in China. And then Phil was like, oh, I'm going to come along as well. But it was just... Phil invited himself. I didn't know that aspect of it. So it was just me and Phil for the first week.

And we kept getting mistaken for a couple on honeymoon together. And I remember one night people looking at me sympathetically because Phil got really angry with, I'd like people's feedback on whether I did the wrong thing here, right? So we ordered some of that nice spicy papaya salad to share. You're in Thailand. In Thailand. Order some.

Yeah, yeah. I did actually want to go before White Lotus came out, so that was the reason then. I'd not heard of it before then. That's my first time. So we got some papaya salad between us. And then I put some on my plate. But then I wanted to eat the next course. And my plate was covered in like spicy water.

Yeah. So I tipped to the spicy water back into the salad dish. He went mental. He was like, you can't do that. That's so unhygienic. How can you, who would even think that's an appropriate thing to do? And I was just sitting there like, like, what? And people were looking like that.

I can't believe she's married him. Yeah, you're married. that man. Yeah. I think it's fine to do that. Yeah, because you're eating it with chopsticks. You're not dobbing any salad back onto the plate. Yeah, that's the thing.

I wasn't slavering onto the plate. Also, can I just say, because I never brought this up to him at the time, but I don't eat that much rice, so we don't need two to three bowls of rice every time for the table. Like, he just, he thinks rice is better than it is, and he's always saying that bread is a white person thing. Yeah. Yeah.

But he has extra. I've had many meals with Phil since that moment. He eats bread. He loves bread. I think he's been turned around. I think he's assimilated himself into bread culture.

Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, because he kicks off about it but then I'm sure I've seen him eat it a few times. But I'm pretty indifferent to rice. I only really feel like I need it. If I was eating like

Mapo tofu, I feel like you need to have rice with that. So that's where we, differ. Having said that, he's introduced me to a lot of amazing new Asian food places and he wasn't in Melbourne last year and it was really hard because basically a big group of us went to a Chinese restaurant in Melbourne and it was the type of Chinese

restaurant that English people liked and like it was all like sweet and sour chicken and like crispy beef and just like And text fell after being like we went to a white person's Chinese restaurant and it was disgusting. And you needed him there really to sort of glance across the lazy Susan at him

and nod that you Yeah, it was. There was a lazy Susan actually. It was the worst Chinese meal I've had in years and I just kept thinking if Phil was here, that wouldn't have happened. When you started the anecdote and you said,

Phil didn't go to Melbourne last year. And that was really hard. And I thought, wow, they're such good friends and she really missed him. I did. Because I went to a bad Chinese first friend, if Phil was there, that wouldn't have happened. It's a really funny reason to miss someone.

No, I did. Because it meant that people just didn't know the places to go. And when we were in Melbourne before, like Phil would find places that we wouldn't have otherwise. Like he took me and Flo and John. that's not their actual names but we all went to this Malaysian place that served a thing that he used to eat

growing up and I wouldn't have found it if he hadn't took us there and then he's also more up for eating spicy foods but I'm on your side with tipping the spicy water back into the salad yeah I mean I was quite embarrassed at the time because I wouldn't think that I had bad table manners no you don't I think that's fine to tip that back in because if anything you're adding back to the salad salad.

Yeah. It's a circular economy. But if you've had that salad before, especially in Thailand, the spicy water,

it's going to pollute the rest of your dinners. You can't have it on the plate. If I go for a meal with Phil again, which I imagine

I will at some point, I'm going to do a move like that and see and see if he pulls me up on it. Yeah. Oh, well, yeah, I'd be interested.

And if he doesn't, I'll be like, oh, that's interesting. Went after Fern, didn't you? Pretty fast to go after Fern. Yeah. On the holiday that you crashed

and weren't invited on Phil. We also, we kept getting couples massages on the holiday and probably one of the... I wonder why people thought you were married, that's weird. One of the least, the least erotic moments of my life

because he breathes so much during the... Like, I kind of just want to zone out and I just hear him being like, ha! Doing these, like, exaggerated deep breaths thanks to me. You do sound like you've been married.

for 50 years. Like, his fucking breathing annoys me so much. It's a good impression of Phil breathing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, yeah, so,

but yeah, it was a good holiday. Well, we'll start with some good news for you. Yeah. He chose sparkling water. Cool. So that's good for you. Yeah.

You got that. You know that you like that. You don't really like having a drink normal water. So he's instantly played into your hands now. And I think you can probably guess what he chose

for popadoms or bread. Popatoms. Yeah, that was the, The big anti-bred rant came at that point. Yeah, yeah. So he put his cards on the table there. None of that will surprise you, I imagine. No.

The starter, Salmon Row. Oh. On drug leaf. Yeah, so we just called it drug leaf on the day, but Phil was very clear as a hallucinogenic leaf. Oh. So it was like a drug that would like make you hallucinate.

You like drugs? Oh, yes. Yeah, big time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm really interested in psychedelics as well. But that surprises me. I don't know about having it with my dinner. Why not?

Because it would make it hard to talk. And I'd rather not be out in public if I was listening it. You should be in a safe space with someone trips it in you. Yeah, not a restaurant. No. But I have done that before. wait no don't want to get him in trouble

not worrying you don't have to name the person you don't have to name the person I made edibles one time and forgot I had a big birthday dinner at this like posh seafood restaurant in East London somewhere

and we made them too strong and then I remember just like sitting in silence getting upset at this crab and not wanting to break it open and such a waste of money just not being able to speak for hours and hours. Yeah, I feel like, well, maybe, you know,

we could say the drug leaf doesn't have big effects. I don't think Phil wanted it to have a massive effect on him. No. Hallucinogenic, just like a buzzed out, just things... I've never heard of that. Maybe hallucinating a few mild things, I don't know. I don't remember him wanting to be hallucinating at all. I think he might have meant a Shiso leaf, you know.

That's all he meant. Yeah. That's not a drug. I think he just meant a Shizo leaf. We jumped on that and made it a drug leaf. Yeah. How are you feeling about the salmon row, though? That's the main constituent.

Salmon rose like little eggs, right? Yeah, the bigger orange ones. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, that pop. Yeah, yeah, I like it. Yeah. I like interesting textures of foods. Yeah, so I'm fine with that.

I think that's good. Some people get so weird about texture and about, especially about those salmon eggs because you pop them on the roof of your mouth, they go blammo. Blamo. Yeah. But then don't people like that bubble tea?

Yeah, which actually I don't like the idea of bubble tea. Yeah, I don't want my drinks. to be textured. Well, although Kaffir's got a texture in it. I've never had Kaffir. Can you describe the texture of Kaffir for me? Well, firstly, the flavours,

it's like, imagine if you were drinking like fizzy parmesan-flavored vomit. Ah. It's like that. And he's got like lumps at the bottom, like little cheesy lumps. You look like you're going to be puk in your mouth.

That's really bad. And honestly, I'm fine. with like weird food textures as well but that sounds really horrible yeah but you just put it in a blender with a banana and some blueberries and then it's okay and then it's just parmesan blueberries and banana

well the first time you drink it you're like and then you start to get used to it and then you start to crave it and then you're fine so do you think if you if you did vomit now it would be nice for you you would like it I don't know

the taste no no You might be like, oh, it's like my lovely kaffir drinker. Only if I just drank kaffir. If it's straight away. Yeah. If you did hallucinate in a meal, if you had the salmon and the leaf did make you, what kind of stuff would you like to hallucinate during a meal that wouldn't spoil the meal?

Well, getting stuff would other. Well, I wouldn't want any of the animals like the salmon. I know the salmon would pull me up on how unethical it is. Yeah. For salmon row to exist. So not that. What I would like is for the food to talk to me and say it was happy for me to eat it. Make you feel better.

Yeah. Yeah. Would that make you feel better? If the salmon roll was like we were born to be eating. Can you hear how creepy that sounds though? Because then that's like, do you remember that news story when we, I mean, I think we're all around the same. age, help me? Yes.

And when we were younger, there was that news story. Because you thought I was younger than you? I did for ages, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, that's... For ages, I was certain you were like 15 years younger than me. Yeah, no, no, everyone. But I've stopped getting Botox now, so that people take me seriously. Yeah, I felt that today.

Yeah. I was very very serious. Remember that story of the person, the cannibal, who put an advert in the paper? Yes, in Germany. Yeah. Yeah. like a huge thing when we were kids. And there was the debate

as to whether it was okay because the person had consented to be eaten. Yes. Had replied to the... Yeah. And it was like, yes, I would like you to eat me. It's fine. But it's still scary.

It's still creepy and I'm still not sure it was okay for the cannibal to be eaten. It's still a crime, isn't it? That person, you know? It's funny you've brought this up because I've been talking about this with my boyfriend a lot recently. In what context, then?

It's not because either has one to eat the other one. We were just talking about whether it's ethically okay because there was another, because there was a similar story recently that I don't want to go in it because this is quite a lighthearted podcast. So I don't know if it's right because I think I'm very like pro we should all be allowed to do what we want with our bodies

and if you are very, excited that they thought of someone eating you. But then I just think it's one of those things you'd change your mind halfway first. That's it, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think it's the fact that you then can't change your mind that you're like, someone's just eating my cock and bollocks.

Yeah. And if it gets to the point where, I mean, because I presume they're just numbing your whole body up. Yeah. And you're just there being, and if you do change your mind, but they're so fucking into it. Yeah. And they just don't want to stop. That's terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. Also, don't

kink shame. You're not meant to kink shame now, so aren't you meant to be like, that's great? The thing is I'd happily shame that kink. I feel like we've got to draw a line somewhere, haven't we? You know, broadly, broadly no kink shaming, but that one, fucking disgusting and weird. That's where they come back on us in 20 years' time where everyone's doing it.

Yeah, well, I'm going to be cancelled to hell for that. Yeah, and I'll be leading that. Yeah. Campaign to cancel it. You're gone. So that seems like a nice start, the salmon row, on the drug leaf. So he wants a betel leaf. Yeah, just to update, Benitez let us know.

It's a betel leaf, so it's not a hallucinogenic leaf. No. It's like marijuana is what Phil said, apparently, or what the internet says. Well, I've eaten it before in a starter, and I've eaten in a nice place, and I wasn't high at all. No, yeah. But I think if it's just like two or three little leaves, it's not going to do much. Yeah, to be fair. No. Well, the main course, it sounds like this might be what you were.

alluding to earlier with Flo and Joan, not their names. The Watan Hoar, which is the Malaysian Eggie Soup that Phil likes. This is a dish that he's had all his life that he's introduced me to that and a few of our other friends. It wasn't her soup.

Okay. Well, this is that. It's got a very thick gravy kind of texture. Eggy gravy. I remember when he described it on the podcast, he almost deliberately made it sound gross. He said snotty, I think, at one point. which is like a fair enough.

And it's definitely more a soup than a, because I think the place we went, I remember it being like, either noodles or some sort of star fry thing. Is that charketal or something? I think he's obsessed with that Malaysian dish, which is like the flat rice noodles. Yeah.

I don't, no, because I've had loads of different Malaysian food when I go to Australia and that, and I remember this one being like, I was like, oh, I've not had this before, and it's really tasty and they had loads of stuff that I hadn't seen on other Malaysian menus.

But today you're getting the the eggy soup. The eggy soup. How do you feel about that? Yeah, great. Generally, like, I've never not trusted Phil's food choices.

Yeah. Other than the rice thing, I'm just not fuss about. Too much rice every time. Rice, yeah. I agree. I mean, I agree with the rice personally.

Like, I only need a tiny bit of rice. Yeah. And like a big, I find it quite intimidating looking at a big pile of rice and thinking I've got to eat that. And I need loads of sauce. I need like proper wet food to go on top of it. Yeah, I'm not going to eat that much rice.

I mean, I don't like it enough. I often over order because I'm worried we won't have enough food, but never in the rice department. I tend to under order rice in that I'll often not even order it at all. Yeah. And other people think it's weird because, but it's just the last time I was on here, I talked about foods that are like a waste of time. and that's one of the ones where I'm like, it just tastes of nothing.

And not in the way that breads has a, like, comforting nothing taste. Rice is just so pointless to me, unless it's, unless it's like a proper dish. I like, what's that? It's like, like, fried rice dishes are nice or anything where there's a lot of different stuff going on with the rice. Rissot or that. Just seasoned rice. Like, I mean, we went to, there's a, place in Hackney now like a barbecue pop-up, which is like American-style barbecue, but with

like sort of Chinese flavours. And one of the dishes they serve with it is just the bowl of seasoned rice. And it's actually really good with the vinegar in it and stuff was really tasty. And went really well with the super rich like beef ribs, like Sashuan beef ribs and all of their stuff. It was really, really good. So just called flavored rice, the dish. I think it was called Flavored rice. I was quite excited about it because it was called flavored rice. Yeah. And it was very nice. Yes. What was that place called again? I should know that.

Great noise. Isolate that noise of a peat. Uncle Hans. Uncle Hans. Yeah, it was very good. Have you been to that Korean place that's meant to, it's in East London and it's meant to be like one of the best new restaurants. I don't think I have. And the guy that works in it,

he said his dad is the best Korean chef in all of London. No. I can't remember the name of it. Wow. I was going to go with Phil. but they don't show what the menu is online which bothers me. If you find out about a new place that looks good

is Phil one of your first points in contact? Do you find you Phil? Yeah, he would be one of my first points of contact actually because we went to this good noodle place and I think it was like Bethnal Green and I usually get spicier if I'm Phil but in this place he ordered like the top level of spice for this noodle soup

So then to compete with him, I ordered that as well. And we both were like crying and unable to finish the food. Pierre Novelli was there as well and he'd got like a normal level. And I just felt like I'd poisoned my food. So I said about going back there again and ordering properly. But I think he found that. He said there's some lady on Instagram who's got a list of all like the top spicy noodle places in London, which sounds great.

I love that. I always do it, overdo it on spice as well. In Japan, we went to a cocoa curry. And there's a couple in London as well, I think. It's like a cat's a curry place. And you order on the iPad and there's so many different types of things. You can add to the curry and you can pick the spice level. And in Japan it goes from 1 to 20. This is the spice level. And I was like, I don't want too spicy, but I'll order of 15. I was about to order it on the iPad. And Charlie went, what the fuck are you doing? You cannot cope with the 15. And if I'll have a 10,

just don't do it because, like, it's proper spicy. Like, I can see that there's people around here who can handle that. So I finally, I'll have a 7. And then there's a video of me halfway through the 7, and I am a wreck. Like, I'm crying.

I'm like, why did I do this to myself? I just saw the video again recently. I'm going to go, I was going to order a 15, and I looked on Reddit, and they said, if you get over a 5, it's not nice. Like, proper awful.

And I'd have done what you did, though. I would have thought, okay, so five is most people's cut off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do two above that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would think that. It was great, though. Imagine if you had 15.

It was really good. But if I'd had 15, I wouldn't have been able to eat it. It's like you say, about poisoning the food, really. Well, it's because so many places you can't get, they've toned down the spice because a lot of, like, Western people don't like spicy foods. And actually, when we were in Thailand, I struggled to get a spicy food. enough food. And I was hoping having like my fake half Asian husband with me was going to help, which would help us get the spice level up a notch. And we didn't. Like one of my mates that had gone before,

he said, oh, you have to ask for it Thai spicy. Otherwise, they'll automatically tone it down. And even then are they going to give it to you Thai spicy? Because do they trust that? No, yeah. We had to like say a couple of times. And I really didn't. have, there wasn't that many meals where I had like proper spicy food. Yeah. But it was so good. It's like that taco place in L.A. Guisados

where they've got one taco where they just won't sell it to white people. Like Nish has it all the time and I went up once and asked for or like a five level spicy of another one and they were like, no no, no. I have to go. They wouldn't give me that. Yeah. We were there for off menu and yeah.

We made a little pilgrimage there. Really wanted that taco. They went, that's not going to happen. Why? Well, I mean, they're probably right, but they wouldn't sell it to me. And that obviously makes us want it so much more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you end up buying the other ones anyway because you've gone there hungry and wanted in tacos. So I got the other ones,

and they were delicious. Gwisaddles. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to go. It's in West Hollywood. And they wouldn't sell me that taco. I'll go, go down the road and buy a gun, mate. I said that. And then I dropped the mic that I was holding and I walked out. Side dish. clear Chinese broth Oh yeah

So this was Yeah Phil was saying He didn't really want a side dish But he just thinks he can't find broths enough In England Yeah It's so weird

You mention this I just had the best broth Like two days ago I was in Glasgow And I had this thing twice in a week I went to the I was with Alison Spittow and there's a place called Stereo

that it's a vegan food place near the station and he too just nodded there and smiled to himself he knows it have you been I've been so so many times I go all the time and they change the menu up a lot as well so they had this thing called

Cilesian potato dumplings with broth and it was a lovely light of broth with dill flavour in it and Alison is really into soup. She has a soup group.

She's on a suit WhatsApp. She's got soup hearings. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we talked about soup to Alison a lot. And he said talks to soup about Alison. Yeah, like I... One in the same. She wishes. She's into soup, I think, too much.

But I ordered this thinking, I bet Allison's going to like this. And she loved it. Everyone at the table, another comedian was there. Everyone on the table loved this, this broth. so I went back and got it the other day it was great and I did think there should be more

things like this on menus you don't yeah that's why I like that place I often get something that you don't see a lot on other menus like where is silesia what's a silesian? Yeah that's a good point

when you said silesian I do this a lot in life I was like I should probably know what that is so I'm not going to ask and find out I literally my brain when yeah that's a normal thing but then if I analyse that,

it was accepting it the same way I accept information in Marvel films. Right. So it was like, you know, vibranium. Yep, okay, I understand what that is. And I'll just go like sylesium. Yeah, okay, great.

With the broth, Phil talked so much about the broth that a chef called Tom Barnes then put a broth on his menu for the opening night of his amazing new restaurant scoff and I think named it after Phil. Yeah, Phil was there. Phil was there at the opening night.

Oh, amazing. On the menu was Phil Wang's broth. And I believe a broth is still on the menu, but Phil's name has been removed. Oh, that's so cool. Phil's name is in the restaurant, though. He signed a pillow in there. Oh, cool.

If you ever go to, I'll see Phil's name. Poland. That's where Silesian stuff comes from. So there you go. That would make sense for the potato dumplings. Yeah. I love a broth as well because it's like superfluous. Yeah.

Unintended? Super flavour. No, actually. It's just how good I am, I guess. Yeah. But, like... Good for running as well. If you've been running a lot,

it's very good to having the salty broth to rehydrate you. Have you done one of your runs to a broth shop before? I mean, that's not a thing, is it? You could run to... A broth shack? To stereo? Yeah. Wouldn't be far away enough.

Well, oh, you mean? knocker drawn from here. Yeah, yeah. That would be a long run, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. But you need some salty water, which is basically what broth is. That just minded me,

but I don't know whether to tell this. So I went to this fasting clinic, right? Uh-huh. I mean, this is the opposite of what you just want to hear because there was no eating. And I went to this fasting clinic in Germany, and all you got to eat each day was a bruntary. off.

Ferd, what the fuck? Because if you fast for long enough... Yeah. You fast. I don't fast. I am fast, remember? He is fast.

You don't fast. No, no, no. You don't fast. You don't fast. He exercises a lot. There's a lot of exercise. I love breakfast too much. Yeah, I love breakfast.

That's always got in the way of a regular fasting regime. Fluenton's fast in place. And you got a... broth that was basically just hot water that touched a carrot at some point. And then by day two of the fast, they're going, oh, do you want some herbs on your broth? And you're like, yes, yes, please.

They put some parsley on it and you're just desperate for anything. But I said to the nurses there, look, I don't know if I'm going to last the full fast. This is like day two or three. And I was going to say, can you take my Monzo card away from me? because I think I'm going to run away and they were like no no you must stay on the fast

if you want we would give you half a yogurt and some cashews I was like right that's not going to cut it guys because I feel like I'm witnessing my own death like you can't think you can't

watch telly you can't read your job you can't sleep but you also can't really be awake it's just terrible so I said to the nurses are really I think I'm going to eat something and they were like

no no if you do break the fast break it with something gentle like one prune or something because you're going to really cause damage to yourself otherwise and I was like right right okay and then I went down into because it was on a mountain overlooking like a lake and a village right and I went down into the village

when was this yeah a couple of years ago. Yeah, okay. Sorry, carry on. It was as we were doing the final edits in my book off all this is going to really reset me mentally. Yeah, yeah. So I went down in the village, I went to this bakery, German bakeries are amazing

and I got this pastry that was just like this big with apples and custard in it. And I took a bite out of it and I went, yum! Out loud. Out loud. Out loud. Like a cartoon. And people were looking at me, but they weren't surprised

because they obviously were like, someone's got out of the. And it was, like, someone's got out of retreat again and this is happening on the regular she's from the mountain yeah and um I thought I'm not breaking it with uh I did get some prunes but then I went

I like ate the whole bag of prunes and the nurse wasn't lying like it does fuck you up if you don't break your fast properly was this before or after Pasco and Romash had told you to not eat meat after oh like years after yeah yeah so it's just the same lesson again really it's the same again

is your body's stopped making the stuff that breaks down everything. But when you start eating again, you just feel so euphoric for days. And you want to tell everyone to go on a fast, but no one believes you. So I'd love to do it again. But I think this time, at the very start, I'd say put my card in the safe. And don't give me any money on anything. Like it's rehab, basically. Yeah.

Yeah. Because you're not even allowed coffee. You're not like coffee? No. So is everyone just sort of lolling about this place is just like super low energy? Well, you can go on walks through the forest with people

but they're all mental rich people so I don't have anything to say to them. The worst bit is the first night to ease you into the fast you eat some mashed potato with like a bit of cabbage or something and you have to like sit with other people

who are going on the fast So they sat me with this lovely old Greek man who was massive and he was like every year I ate lots of feta pies on my Greek island then I come on the fasting retreat then I go back to Greece

and I do the whole thing again I was like right that's amazing doesn't feel healthy doesn't feel like the healthy way of doing things necessarily yeah yeah yeah so then I had to I still had another like five days to go in the retreat

and I'd paid my money so I just like had to pretend I was on the first, but I was going down at the bakery every day. Every day. They must have known. You're the only one with energy bouncing around, like going, come on the walks, getting everyone to run. Yeah.

You've got crumbs all over here. Honestly, like, that was the thought. I was like, they must know because I was coming back with, like, cakes in my backpack and stuff. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Also, I guess they don't care, right? You've still paid to be at the retreat, so you can just go through the motions. Yeah, and at the end, they'd be on.

certificate and you get to eat like another plate of mashed potatoes or something and yeah I felt really ashamed I wanted to hand it back and be like I felt like an Olympian that had been doping I don't deserve this

I reckon you'll be able to guess Phil's drink a red wine it is a wine it's a reasoning white wine oh a reasling it's a reisling I think we talked it Phil was less into wine when we did he was just starting to get into wine.

He was just starting to get into wine and I think even I might have suggested the reasoning to him because he wanted something to but now as you know Phil's a wine boff yeah Phil knows so much about wine yeah I think he did the wines of New Zealand

on mastermind and got everything right yeah I went there with him we were on the other episode oh what did you do I was doing history of ice cream which I did not revise for how did you do her

all right actually Yeah, I mean, I really panicked before I went on Had to text said in the dressing room being like This is the worst thing I've ever done I can't be if I've agreed to do this I haven't even revised I don't know anything Because yeah, they make it quite have you done it Actually, I got offered it and decided not to

Because I was worried that I wouldn't do well on it I was going to do facts about Selvia Plath And Ted Hugh's marriage or something The marriage specifically Nice jolly topic I know more about their marriage than I do about her body of what about like her poetry anyway

what can you tell us about the Ted Hugh Sylvia Plath marriage happy marriage no I mean well like he was getting all this praise for his writing and then she wasn't and then he had an affair with a women called Asha and

I was going to get dark but I mean happily after she died after Sylvia Plath died she got critical acclaim, so maybe she's watching down from heaven. Yeah. It's a nicer way to end the story. And she went to

heaven and she's now watching all the critical acclaim she's got for the Belja Well, he was like, Ted Hears was like, no, like, after she died, he was like really guilty about having the affair. Yeah. I know a lot about her and it's useless so I don't know why I didn't go

on mastermind with it, to be honest. Me and Allison did pointless and like, actually me and Allison were the bad people because AJ and Curtis got asked which 1947 film was written, directed and had this actor starring in it.

OWW. Right? And they said Oprah Winfrey. And you can hear me and Alison laugh and it is funny. It was very funny. And they were even saying to each other. They were like, oh, Curtis, we say stupid things all the time. So they just got to go home after the first question.

Yeah, that is the thing about doing pointless is you're like, yeah, I didn't go out first. Then you're like, I could have been home by now. Yeah. How far did you get in it? We won. Wow. Because Allison is like psychotically obsessed with pointless. Yeah.

Did you get a pointless answer in the final? I don't really understand. Even though I've been on it, I can't remember. I fully believe that. Fairnauss why there's a lamp here. Yeah, I fully believe that you would not know if you won or not. We did. We won.

Yeah, but you don't know if you got a pointless answer or not. No, the very final bit, we didn't get that. We got trophies. Yes. But, yeah, the very final bit we didn't. But, I mean, it was easier than I thought it would be much easier. Yeah. Because it's about anticipating how stupid the British public is.

Sure. That's the premise of the show. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seemed to be that way. Yeah, sometimes you watch it at home and you kind of go, okay, well, my first instinct is this answer, but loads of people would have said that,

so I wouldn't say it. Yeah. And then you discover that was like a pointless answer. Yeah. Yeah. Because actually no one knows anything about that subject anyway or whatever. You know, and I'm not, I am not clever. No.

By any stretch. Yeah. But like, there are a lot of people who seem to not get any of them on it. I really enjoyed you saying you're not clever and Fern making no attempts to. Yeah, she said, yeah. No, I did it. I was saying, yes, thinking. Yeah, I'm not.

not that clever, but like, I often, I've realised for a lot of my life, I'm overestimating how clever other people are. Yeah. And it's, that hasn't changed year on you or if anything, it just gets more frightening.

That's the only thing that relaxed me when I was learning to drive because I learned, I learned to drive quite late-ish. I was, like, in my early 20s. And I was, like, really nervous. Like, you're in charge of this vehicle. It's terrifying. and someone said to me,

but think how stupid most people are. Stupid people drive. Yeah. Right, and stupid people don't think I'm in charge of a vehicle. Yeah. So the fact you're even thinking that makes it scary for me. Yeah, it does make it.

Being on the road of other people who are stupid and don't think they're in charge of a vehicle. You're the worst one. You're the worst driver ever. Oh, yeah. You came up during my, because I kept asking people when I was,

I only passed my test last year. Yeah. And then I would ask, oh, there are lots of comedians about it. You were very comforting. Yes. Then people would tell the story of, why James doesn't drive.

It was so harrowing. And it was so, someone told it once and it was so, like, cinematic the way they told it. And I was like, oh, God. Yeah, it's pretty, it's pretty crazy. Wasn't it? Like, the way I got told it was that

you were in a car, crashed it. I'm quite looking forward to hearing this. It's like, I haven't heard it told back to me before. So you crashed this car, and then Henry Weddickham was driving a little way behind you. In front of you. Don't interrupt.

Sorry. So he gets out of the car and he just walks slowly towards it because he's like, I'm going to find all of my friends dead. That is true. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then the guy driving a tractor or something

goes over to you and it's like, you're fucking idiot. And then that was the moment where you were like, I will not drive again because I'm not meant to drive. Yes. Yeah, it was a lorry as a log lorry, not a tractor. Oh, that's a moment. That's worse.

And he's, yeah, he called me a twat. But he really sucked me in really well because he was up on the road. And we were, by this point, we were down in a field. We had gone completely. And there was a whole sea of logs in between us and him. And he shouted down, you guys, okay. Which one's the driver? Are you okay?

And I was like, oh, I'm the driver. And he went, you're a fucking twat, mate. And I was like, well, I felt for that. But yeah, but yeah. Henry walked back to the car because he, to, us because he thought, I don't want to see this. Because he was in front of us. So when he saw it and he was pulled up at the side of the road

waiting for us to catch up with him. So he saw the whole thing in his rearview mirror. And he saw the lorry drive over the front of our car, drive over the bonnet. But he thought it had gone over the middle because he obviously he couldn't see where it had driven over. So he thought it just gone over the whole car. And then he saw it flip over the lorry and all the logs fall out and onto our car.

And he said it looked like the logs were going through the car. So he's like, well, there's just no way that my friends are going to be there still. So that's why he walked back. Oh, my God. And then we were just all three of us standing there. Like, is the gig still on, Henry? Are we still doing the gig tonight? But yeah.

Did you do the gig? No, could cancel the rest of that leg of the tour. Yeah, so, you know, there are stupid people out there who shouldn't drive. Yes. And I'm one of them. I'm all right, art it? Yeah, good on you. I think it helps if you learn in London.

though because that's the worst it's ever going to be. Yeah. And then everywhere else feels quite nice. Although I was driving in Manchester on tour and I didn't like that. No? No, they're pretty mad. They're mad for it. Yeah, they're mad for it.

Yeah. So Phil's having a reesling. You're not really a boozer, are you? You'd rather... No. Actually, there's a really nice wine bar between my house and Phil's house. and we went there because what I try and do now

is not drink for as long as I possibly can and then break it with one glass of wine and then I regret it because I've just not got a tolerance for it and then I go back to not drinking again so the wine has to really be worth it but yeah we went to this place Joyce and broccoli

that's what it's called and it does loads of natural wines but the reason it's good is because often when I break my drink and streak I'll have the drink and be like this wine is disgusting and now I've broken a drink and no drinking streak for no reason but at this place

they let you try all the wines first to make sure you're picking the right one and it's great did you shout yum I did shit so weird you say that I did say something that I remember like Phil made a little face

that I was like yummy and then the women behind the book because the staff are nice there and the women behind the bar I was just like, it's okay. So you said something and Phil made a fake like he crissed.

Because I wasn't like doing the right is it but I don't think you two should be friends you know. Well you shouldn't be married. Yeah. Worst marriage ever. Definitely not married but I made a noise

that wasn't like a cool wine noise. I was like. I said yummy and Phil went, oh. I didn't go interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, like places that let you try, because I just, I had a drink last month, I broke the drinking streak, I really like this place. Selvin in Glasgow, it's the same people that ran the hug and pint and they do loads of like small plates or like fancy vegetables and all that stuff. But they also have a massive wine list and I had an English Pino Noir and I regretted that.

Because it was English. Because it was English. No, there's an English champagne that I like a lot. You would know it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, Nightimba. Yeah, I like that. Doesn't it scare you though when you drink in English champagne?

Does it scare? No. Because it's just like, sign of global warming. It's not champagne. Just knock it on the head there. It's not champagne. It's just a reminder of the climate crisis. Well, so I was thinking about the climate.

I was like, that's, um, have a positive come out of the climate crisis. The English wine scene is meant to be getting better and better. So I'll try this English Pino Noir. It tasted like dirt from the ground. And I wish I'd just stuck with something Spanish or Italian.

So we're not there yet. At least we know the climate's not so bad that we've got good English Pino Noir. That's when we need to be. That's when we worry. Well, I mean, worry now anyway. But like, you know, we only worry when we start getting excellent Cabernet Sauvier.

You know it's absolute doomsday when you have a drink of English sparkling wine and go, that is the best. Oh, no. By the time we got Malbec, the whole world's on fire. Yeah, absolutely. So you need, it needs to be hot for Malbett. Malbec tends to come from hotter climate places like South America and, yeah, places like that. And then colder places make minerally wine. Yeah, it depends more minerally.

It depends on the terroir. Whoa. What? So, what? I'm just to see the area, the whole environment of where it's grown. So quite often wines that vineyards on the coastline close to the sea will actually be more saline and have more mineral taste. But yeah, I try and keep it under my hat a little bit on this podcast that I'm a total tosser. No, well, Phil told me that you shouldn't go off the country, you should go off the grape.

Yeah, but certain grapes grow better in certain. countries. So like reeling, well they're growing like nice reasoning in California and but also in Germany and Austria as well. Yeah, I just but I mean I've found if I pick according to a country

it's pretty consistent. Having said that I was always so unfairly. I always thought I hated French wines and then I had loads of nice natural French wine in Paris. Loads and loads and they were so lovely about it as well.

two times I've been in Paris. No, because the Parisians have this trip. Yeah, sure. And they were dead set. Yeah. I guess if you're going to cool places where they're a bit more relaxed and sort of... Yeah, it might be that. Yeah.

If I could give up wine, maybe I said this on the last thing. If I didn't like red wine, I'd be fine to not drink. Right. But it's just so tasty. When you finally have a good one, it's so good. Yeah, I think it's good to like, you know, every now and again, break your fast with, like, Like, you're like a wine fast, so I know a fast fun.

It's very confusing because you do the actual, you go to fasting retreats too. But like to break it with a really good one. And it's impressive that you don't, then, that's you drinking from then on. Because like for me, I'll have breaks from drinking. And then I know that as soon as I start drinking again, it's like, well, back to normal. Oh, no, I don't like the feeling of my eyes rolling around my head. Okay, yeah, they shouldn't be doing that. I don't think my eyes roll around my head.

It's making sense the user responding this week because I've been trying to tell my audience this and I thought everyone would know what I meant. I can't, it used to just be, I could handle two glasses of wine, now I can't go past one glass of wine

because my eyes start moving around my head. How far back are we talking? How far back do the eyes go? It's like, I can't focus on people when I'm talking to them And it's really embarrassing. We're arriving at the desserts. It's Phil Wang's dream dessert.

Let me try and guess. Yeah, go on. You give you three guesses. Is it ice cream? Not ice cream. Is it a cake? Not quite a cake. Oh, no.

He says the only thing that the British do well is puddings. So I'm going to guess that it's something like a sticky toffee pudding. It's not, it's a... It's got an element of that. Bonofi. Is it Benofi? Bonofi pie. Yeah.

It's Benofi pie. Yes. There you go. Well, that was pretty good. Yeah, that was pretty good. That was going to be my first guest. Oh. Because he did this Guardian food thing.

Yeah. And Bonofi pie. I think they like covered him in Benofi pies for it or something. Really? Yeah. Wow. Looking up Benito. Look it up.

Let's see this image. I want to see wearing covered in Bonofi pies. Oh. Because for my one, they had beagles, and that isn't my number one food of all time. I think they just thought it would make a nice picture. Yeah. Right. We talked about the... Beneath found something.

It's a big pile of bananas. But he's got a bono pie at the top. Yeah, I made it sound better. Yeah, he has got a slice of bonofi pie. Yeah, mine was more embarrassing than that. I'm grating cheese in a guitar-shaped cheese grater. What is this? It's...

Observer Food Month, is it? done it. I haven't you? How did you've done it? I haven't done it. How did you've done it? Oh, I did do a photo show but they gave me ice cream.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you've, yeah. You've done it. Oh yeah, I've done it. Yeah, I don't trust James to remember what he's done. But he's definitely done it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, Ed's looking very metal there with a little heavy metal. Wow. She's great. That's good. Yeah. Look up James's.

Yeah, yeah. I definitely did an ice cream one. Oh, I'll tell you my favorite dessert I've discovered in the last year or so. I met this Turkish chef. I think his name's Big Has.

Big Has, yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh my God. Keneffa. Have you had it? I don't think I've ever had it, you know, but it's the shreds of pastry, right? You get.

It's, yeah, it's a little bit like, a bit like beclava, but a different texture. But it's got this sweet mozzarella-type cheese in the middle, and it's amazing. It's like my first. favourite, sorry, my tummy's rumbling.

I can hear it. Not the first, you won't be the last first. I have to eat it. And when I did the London bit on my tour in West London and they've got much better, like, Lebanese and Middle Eastern food compared to where I live. And I got a load of kanefas. No one else was that excited about it. Like, I got one for my tour manager, one for me,

and then one for my boyfriend that I then also ate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure he understood that that was the deal. Well, he was just like, oh, this is just, he was like, it's fine. It's not that good. It's so gutting, isn't it? When you discover something that's amazing. Yeah.

And you want to introduce it people, to people who, you know, mean something to you. Or you're making, try these. And they go, yeah, it's all right. Yeah. And for one, I've never had the guts to really do that. If I'm on the receiving end of that, if someone else says to me, you've got to try this stuff, it's so good. Yeah.

And I think it's just fine. I'll at least upgrade that to, oh yeah, that's really tasty. I won't go, it's all right, and completely crush this thing that they love for them. James is currently having a long-distance argument with his fake Asian husband, Nish, because Nish is travelling around America

and James keeps recommending in places to go, and Nish either goes to them and doesn't say anything about the food he ate or he ignores the recommendation. But doesn't Nesh have Nandos for every turn? day. Yeah, but good look in America. See, I do that when I'm in the UK quite a lot. Sure.

You know I read that it's, that Nando's is the live, laugh, love of the food world. And I thought it was so accurate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can totally get on board with that. And you know what? I live, I laugh, I love. Don't, but is it because, but what? Because you can, for me, the best bit of tourists that I might find a new tasty food place. Yeah.

Yeah, it's the best. Yeah. But there is also that thing around the UK. where if you can't, I definitely try, like, when we're on the way in to the actual city itself, I'll Google where the best place to eat is. Try and find somewhere. But if you can't, Nando's is always there as a little.

And it's always the same. But the food scene has got so much better across the rest of the UK. Because when I started touring, I would go to places and just be like, I'm just going to go at a supermarket and get stuff for my dinner. Whereas this tour, like, oh the best Thai food Sheffield and Nottingham

have this Thai not a chain that's a place that has like two restaurants I can't remember the name of it I think I know where you mean I think you're Nottingham I've been to a really good Thai place as well It's definitely going to be this one I couldn't believe how spicy it was and like a lot of Thai takeaways

you get in the UK are too sugary and this tasted like proper Thai food I think I have been to one in Nottingham like that actually maybe I went to a place in bar as well that did Thai, like good Thai street food. Zap. Zap.

Yeah, I've been to Zap. Zap. I was so happy when, because I did Nottingham and then I did Sheffield like a month later and I found out that they had a branch of Zapp there as well and I was like, this is amazing.

You go in and there's like rickshaws everywhere and stuff. It's quite a mad interior. Oh, I haven't been in. I just ordered it because it was because the door staff recommended it. Yeah. Well, I went to a place in Bath. I don't think it was a Zap,

but I sort of, I've ordered just quickly. And then everything arrived, and it turned out I'd ordered just three soups, basically. Oh, no. Quite sort of broths. Yeah. Alison Spittal jumping for joy? Spicy broths, she wouldn't have been after this.

So I ate all the broths really quickly, went off to do the gig. I'd say 10 minutes before I went on, the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. Oh, no. And I don't think this was an issue with the food. I think it was my selection of the food. My body was just screaming at me going, why? We just got loads of spicy water. And it was funny, though, man.

It's the only time I've ever been ill. and laughing out loud at the same time. My tour manager was going, Ed, you're due on stage. We've got clearance. We're ready to go. I've got fucking clearance, mate. And I'm laughing out loud while I'm...

That's lovely. Even your diarrhea is wholesome. You're just like laughing away. It's funny. Funny old times. Good thing you had gamble. Gig in my life as well when I went on. Yeah, he was flying.

Yeah, because you've done a lot of pooze. Yeah, yeah. What you did there was you accidentally did a detox thing called a salt water flush, I think. Yeah. Which they do in the fasting world where you drank a load of salty water. There you go. And it makes you poop.

That's what you've done to yourself by having all the broth. I did a cheaper version of going up a mountain in Germany. Yeah. Yeah. So how do you feel about the menu that we brought in to yet? Oh, great. Spark the water of the popadums, salmon raw and drug leaf, the Malaysian eggie soup, clear Chinese broth,

reasoning white wine and the bonofi pie. Which haven't really talked much about the bonofi pie. Would you like that? You enjoy Bonoffi pie thing? Because I made it, when I make, when I bake something and it goes wrong, I carry the shame with me for years. Like a Japanese businessman that's let down the whole company. That's how I feel. Okay. So I made... Wow, that's only specific.

Yeah, every year, my boyfriend's pals have this Christmas party. there's like all Irish people in London and one year I said I'm going to make a bonoffee pie for it and I made the caramel wrong and it was like rock hard and it just wasn't right I mean they were all drunk

they wouldn't even remember this no one remembers this apart from me but every year since my desserts have had to get more and more exciting and more and more perfect sometimes I bring two desserts because I just feel so ashamed at that time.

I haven't been baking since. Bake off. Because it traumatised me, yeah. Join the club. Yeah. Yeah, but you weren't good at it. You weren't good at baking when you went on it, eh?

Correct. I was good at baking. Yeah. And then Paul Hollywood criticized, like, the size of my buns and said that they weren't all uniforms, shape and size. That's immature with me.

Sorry. Yeah, that's funny though. Sorry. Oh, right. Yeah. Like, bum more boobs. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Apologies for laughing at that. Paul Hollywood criticised the size of your buns. Yeah, I laughed at that. That's funny. Fair enough. Apologies. And he said, like,

it almost tastes like a pretzel, and I just took that. I don't think he meant it negatively, but, yeah. Does he know that? Does he know that he's, what he's actually done is affect your future confidence in baking?

I don't care. Like, I mean, at the end of my current tour show is about bake off and what, what dark programme it is. Did you find it to be quite a dark experience? I actually watched a clip of you afterwards.

No, I really like the crew because Sam from Tasmas. Yeah. Yeah, so when I finished filming, I went back to the hotel and then I was like, because I hadn't watched Bake Off, never mind the celebrity Bake Off. So that was where I went wrong, just having not watched it at all. and then I looked up comedians on Bake Off and your clip came up and you were like

getting everything wrong and being silly and I was like That's a good impression but that was when I was like oh I've fucked this like I've done this so wrong because I kept getting confused

because like Thermit O'Leary who's a really nice man kept coming over to be like oh how are you getting on Feren and there must be something in the show where you're meant to stop baking and chat and I just was like

go back to your island and they could try to and then the other Greg James would like call over to me how are you getting on and I just didn't know why people kept trying to talk to me because I wanted to just bake and bake and bake

and then Mel B who I idolized as a child literally have a hole in my tongue from getting my tongue pierced to copy her when I was a teenager Mel B kept it was almost like a like a hallucin

nagenic type situation she kept coming over being like Fern how do I turn my blender on and I'd be like go away

please let me just keep baking but you're not meant to do that I think they expect you to do a little bit of chat maybe I found the chat

excruciating I just and then the no fielding was like oh you're you're the only person that's come on this and wanted to talk about

yeast and whether you've killed off your yeast. And people kept like hinting at me that I was getting the tone wrong. Yeah. But it's only two days, so yeah. Yeah, it's two days. And once you've committed to that,

the first day, yeah, the second day I had to retake all of my talking head bits from the day before. Oh, yeah. They said, we're going to have to do all of those again. Yeah, and cheer up this time. And can you just keep it a bit light and remember that this is for charity and we're trying to raise some money here?

Yeah. And don't just stand there going, no one should ever bake. This is the worst thing ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely saw it from their point of view.

Obviously, that clip of you popped up a lot. Sure. And it popped up again for me, I think today or yesterday. And you know there's all these people who do impressions of you online and they're insane. Yeah, yeah. Just like completely over the top. Yeah. They're all basing it on that clip because in that clip, you genuinely sound like all of those impressions.

You're way hard. I don't know what's happened to your voice. Yeah. Your voice is so much higher than it is now. Yeah. It's like you went through puberty after that clip. Yeah. Well, I was going...

You're going back at? It is that. I was going insane. And I'm right down, but I'm a day. I was jet lagged. I was all over the place. I didn't know what I was doing. I wish I had gone on and baked things in a bad way, but I couldn't...

You've got to be committed to it. You've got to be committed to it. Yeah. I went on, I went on, just baked my heart out. It wasn't good enough. Are you, and you're going at baking? No, I'm not really a baker. I wouldn't bake for fun, but obviously it's like based in cooking and I'm competitive.

So I was like, I did practice it a lot. Yeah, I mean, I really generally, I wasn't able to bake after for a long time after. Because I would just look at my things that I made and think, oh, they're not a uniform size and shape and have Paul Hollywood's words echoing in my head. Thank you so much for coming back to the Dreamer. restaurant, Fern. It was a pleasure. It's been delightful hosting you again. Yes. And we hope you enjoyed Phil Wang's menu. And congratulations, we selected a nice menu for you that we thought you'd actually like. Oh, I did. It's making me really crave Malaysian eggy soup now. Fantastic. Brilliant. Thank you so much to Fern for coming back on the pod. Yeah, we learned so much more

about Fern, about Phil, about Fern and Phil. Yes. And that's not... Not Fern, Britain and Phil Schofield. No. We've learnt too much about one of them. Yeah. That we wish we hadn't. I think Fern enjoyed that menu. Yes, I think she did.

And yeah, it was great to hear about the fasting retreat. Good to hear about another nightmare bake-off appearance. Yeah, I mean, Phil, and she said, she doubts that she doesn't know if Paul Hollywood will be able to remember it. Yeah. He won't. He won't remember. We know that.

He didn't remember you. He didn't remember me. He goes, I remember you didn't do too well. I don't really remember what the thing was. Are you kidding me? Worst day in my life. To be fair, Fern also asked why there was a lamp here and what the original format of the podcast was

and also said she listens to loads of episodes. She definitely listens to loads of episodes. You know, that's not something she's just said to be nice in the past. She listened to loads and never once clocked that it's a dream menu and there's a genie involved. So like, you know. Did we not make that obvious enough? I thought we had.

Maybe we need to focus on. on our branding a little bit more. Maybe you need to dress it up, man. Yeah, we really need to go hard on the branding. Benito's holding his laptop, like, it's going to show us something. There's me with some ice cream. Oh, we finally saw your, is it, Observer Food Monthly? Or was it, yeah.

Yeah, I've got some ice creams there. There's a bright yellow one, but I think they might have even been sorbys. I definitely ate all of it. Yes. Well, you've got to, because, you know, you get the pictures and then it's just melting, right? Yeah, we just put two ice creams in the bin and go home.

There's a blood orange one there, and it's a lemon sherbet one. Yes. Delicious. That's a nice photo. Yeah, it's quite nice photo And fill out all the bananas Yeah That's what Benito says

Benito just said Phil ate all the bananas Yeah, he's smiling to himself Now he's laughing To himself Benito is his own biggest fan Yeah It's a good

Good way to be It's a good way to be Yeah You know But also like He's his own biggest fan But doesn't expect anyone else to be So doesn't include himself

In the podcast No, He just quietly will smile And laugh to himself That's something he's just said A lot of self-awareness There to be like I love it

Yeah But I don't think it's like going to necessarily translate to everyone. So I will not include it in the podcast, but I will enjoy it. Yeah. Maximum amount every time. Yes.

Which is quite sweet. Yeah. And don't forget that Fern is doing a brand new podcast with the wonderful Alison Spittle. It's called Ignore That Feeling. It's available wherever you get your podcast from and indeed watch it on YouTube. And watch us on YouTube.

Thank you very much for listening. We'll be back with something next week. Bye-bye. Goodbye. Hey, I'm Alison Spittle. And I'm Fern Brady. you might remember us both from our episodes of off-menu. I think in my episode I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant

and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand and a mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast. Ignore that feeling.

A show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday the 10th of February. So please listen and subscribe.