Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Guz Khan

Episode Date: January 28, 2026

After many years of trying to make a date work, ‘Man Like Mobeen’ and ‘Taskmaster’ star Guz Khan is finally in the Dream Restaurant. But has he remembered his second phone? ‘Guz Khan’s Custom Cars’ is on Mondays at 9pm on QUEST. Watch it here. Follow Guz on Instagram and TikTok @guzkhanofficialWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 29 Jan.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the peanut butter of conversation, enrobing in the milk chocolate of humour, letting it set in the fridge of podcasting. You got yourself, Peanut Butter Cups podcast, James. Enrobing. In Roving. Come on. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Haycastle. Together we own a dream restaurant. I love peanut butter. Every single week we invite a guest.

We ask them their favour ever start a mainclose dessert. They're going to kill me, I think. Side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, I guest is Gus Khan. Guskan is a wonderful comedian, writer, actor.

Presenter, it's of everything. I mean, goodness, we're going to talk to him about something he's presenting. The guy does everything. He's absolutely everything. He presented a show with you about what happens if Home Alone was real.

How would you survive the traps? And did they? Spoiler warning, they're both on this episode. Hey, I know some people who watch that every Christmas, signs of Home Alone. Look, I'm not.

Having to go at it. Yeah, yeah. Classic show. Do you mean they watch Home Alain though? No, they watch... All right. The science of Home Alone. Yeah.

Who's doing that? Me and Guz. Who's doing that? My nephews. James, Giz is presenting a new show. Yes. Called Giz Khan's Custom Cars. On Quest.

On Quest. Mondays at 9 peter. He's a total petrol head. He loves cars. And you and I are both petrol heads, of course, as well. So we'll probably talk to... Yeah. We probably won't even get to the food.

today. We'll be talking to Goose too much about petrol. How much we're driving and popping wheelies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking about, oh, what do you like better, BMW or Mercedes. For all for it.

But we might not even get on to talking about cars. If Gus says the secret ingredient, we've got to kick him out at the restaurant. Gone. He's gone if he says the secret ingredient. And the secret ingredient today is Mo beans. More beans. Mo beans.

Because he did a very funny show, a sitcom that you wrote. And starred in called Man Like Mo Bean. Yeah. Mo Bean. More, Mo beans, more beans. Yeah. So he can have beans. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But if he asks for more beans. He can't have any mo. Can't have any mo. Yeah. So watch out for that. Watch out for that. Hey, watch out for me if you live in America. Yeah, you better watch out for Ed Gamble.

He's coming your way. I'm coming your way. I am doing an American tour. from sort of middle of February through to the beginning of March going all over the place. A lot of shows are sold out or are selling out but go on to Endgambledocco.com.

For details, I'm hitting up a lot of the big cities. Funniest show ever. Oh, thanks. I'm feeling ill. I'm feeling ill. I'm on top of the world. Let's do this.

This is the off-menu menu of Gozkan. Welcome, Goose to the dream restaurant. Yes, thank you for having me. Goode Giskan to the Dreamvestrop, but it's better you ever some time. This is a very nice place, cozy. You like it? It is cozy, isn't it? It used to be, the setup, there was a table and stuff,

but we got rid of the table, and we're like, no. Yeah, a lot of wood. It's a lot of wood. Scandy-ish. Yeah. It's a bit Scandy. Scandy vibes. And, like, Benito looks quite scandy. Yeah.

You suit the space, I think, is what we're trying to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very much, very much. I'm unsure what that is behind Benito's. It sort of looks like it should be. shelves, but there's nothing on them. I would have an appropriate use for that. Yeah? It is a Pokemon PSA card holder.

Oh. Yeah. You get Pokemon cards off. Are you into the Pokemon cards? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know that at that? No.

People say that. It's disappointing. I don't know why the perception is that I wouldn't be into Pokemon cards. Pretty cool guy. Pokemon's not seen as... Pokemon cards are cool now, I think. I think so. And there's also large amounts of monetary value involved in the world of Pokemon and

Pokemon cards. Okay. money laundering. What's your most expensive? No, no, swear on. I don't know. I'm not even blaming it, bro. You turn up, right?

So I've been to a few of these shows. Yeah. And you turn up at a table and I was expecting like, I don't know, the name, Philip. Yeah? And he's got a little, I was putting a badge on that. Maybe he's doing like some Pokemon cosplay. Yeah. Bro, there were manned them behind these tables.

Yeah, so what are you looking for then, guys? And I was like, first of all, where are you come from? Why are you asking me where I'm from? Where the fuck you come from? So, and it's all cash transactions. Right. There's no card transactions. And some of these individual slabs,

which could be very easily placed in there, like six, seven grand a slab. Wow. I didn't have the money, but I'm just looking at, man, them, there, big guys, bro. Yeah. Just like, yeah, no, I'll shake your hand at 18K. Pokemon.

But then they say Pokemon. You have to say Pokemon when you show hands. They did? Yeah. What's your most expensive card you got? The individual. card? Yeah.

About two and a half grand. And what is it? Charmander? Good guess. It's not a Charmander. It's a poncho Pikachu. Wow.

Yeah. He's just wearing a poncho and he's that bare Japanese writing on it. But so I've got that. I think it's two and a half grand. It might be a bit more now. And there's another one called the Van Gogh Pikachu. And it's just,

he's been painted like a Van Gogh style. Van Gogh. I think I've said both in my life. Yeah. I don't know which one's right. Yeah, yeah. What I'm saying is, like, if you're missed the boat on this Pokemon feed.

Yeah. It's too late, no, isn't it? Yeah, we've missed the boat. You missed the boat. If you're hearing about an investment opportunity from someone, it's too late to get involved, I think. Do you think so? Yeah.

No, that's definitely you? Yeah, 100%. I believe it's me. But to be fair to me, yeah, it's, it sounded like it's from a phone that I forgot was in my pocket. Yes. Yeah, so I have two funds.

That's your phone. That's your Pokemon burner. This is the one that I put on silent. Yeah. This is the one calls me on this one. And this one is, I don't know really who this is for. You don't know who that phone is for? No, not really, but it's on silent now.

So what was the, did someone message you there? They did. So someone knows what that phone's for. Somebody I know, but I didn't. Incredibly guilty right now. Because this is like, I feel like I overshare a lot. I shouldn't have overshared about the mind of him.

If that's how they clean their drug money, just enjoy yourselves, boys, through Pokemon. If that's how do it. Okay. Why am I telling their stories? So now your burner phone's gone up. Suddenly, you're not joking. judging people from what the fairer stuff they might be doing.

You know what? Let's just live and let live, guys. I agree. What if they're not using Pokemon to clean their drug money? What if they're in drugs to afford the Pokemon? They might just love Pokemon. That's a documentary. Yeah. Isn't it?

I would like to know, like, that's the depth that you have to go to. And by the way, on a serious note, there are a lot of kids, just kids who want to open a packet. Yeah. And now that pack, RRP, is £2.95. Yeah. But then the man them swoop in,

60 quid a pack. Because you might find something rare in there. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's like, like, everyone's, have you noticed? Everybody that, like, is doing well at the moment,

there's always like a gambling sponsor behind them. I find out with my kids. You know, the kids, the kids be watching the streamers and the twitches and their kicks. And then, like, even a good one, I'm like, oh, it's just fine,

I get, why you watching this guy doing this crazy backflips? And at the end he's like, steak, Really? And my kids are like, let's download that. I'm like, better not download that. They're all promoting gambling. Yeah, isn't that sad, though?

That is sad. Like, if you're going to sell a t-shirt, I'll be like, you know what, you lot, buy his t-shirts. I like that. You're supporting the guy. But at the end, he always turned the phone right, always turn the fan around and press these buttons and his lucky little fun kids game. Yeah. So all of my kids are like, no, no, you're going to lose your dad's house.

Let's not do this. Yeah, you're going to end up in big trouble. I'll end up in big trouble. Sadden it. So do you buy the packets, suppose? or do you just buy the individual cards? Well, I tend to purchase booster boxes. Booster boxes have 36 individual packs inside.

When they're sealed and unmolested, they increase in value exponentially. But you can get burnt. I bought a load recently. Went down in price. Our son keeps an eye on this, 4% down. Oh, no. But some of the boxes, bro, I bought for like 140 quid in lockdown.

Yeah. Three and a half grand now. What, and you've still got them? You've not touched it. them, you don't touch them? And it's weird, because I'm like, sometimes said to the kitchen, I just rip these boxes open, they're like, are you stupid, bro?

But then, but you... It's good, it's good, they know... Why don't you just sell those ones that are like three and a half grand now? Because they might go down again. Thank you. Now we are in the realm of greed. And this is another... It's another important thing.

Yeah. This is a point thing I find teaching the kids about this is good because I'm learning their little greedy fox like the dad as well. Yeah. Because they're like, dad, there's loads of profit in this. Look, this is a key word to teach a kid about business profit. I like, so we sell it and they're like, no, let's wait till it goes to 50 grand. It's never going to go to 50 grand.

You know that, and I know that. But we're in this together. And it's really interesting because, like, you know what I teach kids about like, when we're at school, they never talk about limited company. What's HMRC doing? It only takes 10 minutes to set. You know, the fuck haul they don't teach you your algebra and all this shit. But I haven't ever used it.

No one's ever used it. But with the kids, it's like a really good way of like that. that Pokemon card you bought, it's going up. Yeah. Now it's going down. You see this worrying them. I don't know. I think it's a key skill.

Yeah, yeah. It's also a good lesson to teach them as well. I think if you sold it, then you get the profit. Yeah. But if they want to hold on to it, they'll be like, well, it's definitely going to go up. It's going to go up forever and then watch that crash out. Crashes down. Yeah.

It's kind of fun to see something. Yeah. They'll be crying on that. It's like, yeah, I told you. You love the Pokemon cards. I've also heard that you're a big fan of cars and automobiles. Oh. I think this comes from poverty.

You know you're growing up. There's things that your mum spending money on, bread, milk, things like this. Cars are very far away from, like, what you might be able to enjoy. Like, did you drive? I do drive, but I've just got rid of my car, actually. What was your first week? Tell them about why you got rid of it. Why you get rid of it?

Oh, because I never drove it. So the battery kept going flat, and then I checked one day it was full of mould. Oh, you really don't drive it? Yeah, yeah. Because the seal on the front door had gone. So every time it rained, it got more and more humid in there. And then it was full of the seats were covered in mould. It's just so...

He's laughing at your mouldy has carbon, doesn't? He loves that. It's not nice. This is weird. It makes me laugh. And luckily it was parked a little bit down the road. It sounds a bit classic-y. What is it?

Was it classic? A Ford Focus. Oh, that's not classic. That's just a car, man. Yeah, yeah. How do you let the focus get mold? It's got rubber seals and all kinds of stuff. Yeah, but the seals came off.

I've noticed there quite a lot on that model of Ford Focus. Because there's a couple down further down the road. Did they Moldi is fuck as well? Well, no, no, because people are driving them and stuff and cleaning them. But I've noticed that the seal around the same door, actually, has come up on theirs as well. I was driving around for a bit, and I heard like,

and that's a worrying noise for a car. It's a kind of fun noise. And then I got out and realized that the seal had come all the way out, and it was flapping behind me like a big tail and, like, beating on the back of my car. It's mad. It's sad that, obviously, you car went Moldy, and you thought, where did you say it?

We buy any car? Where did you take it? To a scrap yard. Oh, you didn't even get any money for you? No, no, I got 250 quid. Beedle. Yeah. Beedle, you give you that. It turns out it's easier to, because I filled in the online form of the scrapper,

and they called straight away. They were like, we'll come and pick it up. Are you in tomorrow? I was like, no, I'm not in tomorrow. They were like, it's all right, we do this thing called contact, let's pick up. Just leave the key on the wheel. And they'll get it for you. I said, I just left the key on the wheel.

And no one's going to nick it, because the, The battery was flat, and then I went to open it to get stuff out the car that I'd left in there. It turns out it was open anyway. You didn't take very good care of this car. So I love cars as well, and I'm looking forward to your new show about cars on Quest. Goods'Kalns, killer cars. You feel like I should have called it Good Cars' Moldy Cars. Can we just stick to the focus for a second?

Yeah, sure. Ford Focus. Yeah, the battery was dead now. Yeah, yeah. I've had it replaced multiple times the battery. Okay, and Bacel had gone. What year was this car? 2013?

So not an old car, by the way. That's old man. No, bro, not by the standards of some of the shit cars I saw when I made this show. Like, 150 years old, some of them, like finished, bro. Just in someone's garage, bro, in Corley. 12 years. And you scrapped it due to a seal and a faulty battery. No, I know it's more, but there's people you could just,

like somebody came and scrapped your car. Yeah. You could have caused someone to steam clean it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 2000 how many miles was on the car?

Oh, I couldn't tell you. How many people are going to be on where you just scrapped an economically viable car because you couldn't be asked because he was moldy. How would you pay for the bloody car?

Eight grand? You should... That was back in the day, though. I'm shocked. If my kids were here, they'd say, fuck this man. Yeah. Where's profit and loss?

My kids would be disgraced with you at gamble. But also... You've scrapped the fucking eight grand car. For $250, you left a key on the wheel. I left my wellies in it as well, so you add that on top. Well, for people who do like cars who may be listening, that is sinful, bro. Because that's cash money you've just thrown in the bin.

But also, can we all take into account that was causing me a lot of stress. I'm very busy at the moment, and also my time is money. So I made... I profited quite a lot of time. Okay, no, I get. Okay.

Yeah. And I was losing a lot of face on the street because I think people had started to realize it was my car. Don't ever let people shame you into this kind of... No, but it was disgusting, because it looked like a big bit of Stilton's out on the side of the road. So I'm going to get a new one now. Can I do so? It's specific. Yeah. 2013, I'm going to find out about how much these go for right now.

I already looked. How much? Well, I don't know. If you want more information, the parcel shelf wasn't in there. Okay. So that takes a couple of grand off. If this makes you feel better, yes. Yes, this makes you feel better.

It's a huge. You made me very upset, bro. Yeah. What should I get from my next car? Doesn't matter because whatever it is, you're going to buy it, and you're going to scrap it. When the window gets steamy, what's the kind of stupid reason to scrap a car?

Just scrap it. How much pay for it, Ed? 40 grand. It's got steamy windows. Scrap it. Yeah. It's really upsetting, bro. Yeah, I know.

And it's all fair. Fair enough. Did anyone tell you? The only thing is about this kind of stuff, like my wife would have told me off, right? Even if I'm made a seat. Did anybody tell you off? My father-in-law told me to get it cleaned

and get a new bathroom. What a sensible man. What a wonderful man, your father. And then I thought about all of that. But your right time is money. People don't understand that concept. Yeah. Money's money as well, though, isn't it?

Yeah. It really is. Money is also money. Well, that's, well, yeah. Well, you might enjoy the new show. Yeah. Yeah, because I met, honestly... It's not called Gus Carnes killer cars, though,

and James said it was called your killer cars. It just, you know, most of it was right. Why just say if he'd let me get away with it, he did? Yeah, most of you was right. It's because he doesn't know the name in the show, because he looked over at Ben after you said it to check this out, well, that's what it was called. But sometimes he'd be changing names.

Quality cars. Custom cars. Guz Khan's Quality Cars. Is it called Gus Khan's Custom Cars? Yeah. And now, unfortunately, I like killers better, right? Yeah. maybe we can speak to somebody.

It's just a graphic. Yeah, yeah, it's just a graphic. So, like, clip art, they'll just change it quickly. You know what Ed would do. He'd realize he doesn't like the title, he scrapped the whole show. That'd be it. Yeah, straight in the bed.

So, this is so, bro. Honestly, like, I'm trying to hold it down, but I'm really sad that you did. Like, I can't. Because my perception you use, you're intelligent, you're funny or something. Everything in the beginning of, that's all true.

No, it's not. Your idea, you're disgrace, brother. Right, well, you've totaled loads of cars. Yeah? Huh? Have you smashed really enough cars over? Yeah. How many?

Three. Think of? What do you mean? Between the ages of 18 and 25, I wrote off three cars. What were you? This is... I like to hear these things, eh, Kasty. What kind of drug fuel bender were you on, smashing cars in Kettering?

Cyber as a judge. Yeah. I haven't driven a car in 15 years. Well, menace. I was meant to drive the back. There's something menace here, but, bro. I feel like a track. day. I went to Northampton to do a drifting

track day on this show. It's not far from us, is it? I feel like it would bring something out in you dangerous. I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't like it. I couldn't fit in the car. I was really fat at a time and the man was like I just get in, mate. And I was like, does it fuck it, does it look like I can... I'm not

doing this on purpose, mate, while the cameras will be waiting for six minutes. I was being like, six minutes. And I was like, I'm too fat to get in the roll cage, man. It's not matter if it's 26 minutes, bro, I can't do it. I did it when I get in the car eventually, strapped in, well, it was really exhilarating stuff, you know, drifting. They're very talented.

Because, like, they're all doing it in tandem. It's like a ballet. So this guy's drifting now. And the other guy, like, pitches his drift based on his back bumper. Like this. And before you know, four or five cars, going, were you actually doing, did you drive it and did the drifting? I didn't do the, like the ballet, but he let me on my own.

But I did. It's quite a good day. Would you like still a sparkling water? Still, please. Do you guys, can I make an assumption? Yeah. Sparkling? No.

I do have sparkling quite a lot, yeah. I was with Morgana Robinson last night. Oh, do you figure out about me? Huh? We know each other than nothing. What do you think I would have sparking for? No, I know what he's implying. No, I would hope he was drinking still,

but you are, like, you experiment with music, you experiment with comedy, experiment with water, that's my... Yeah, that's my... Yeah, fair enough. Is that what I'm saying? Experimental. It's a compliment. Yeah.

A little bit. Yeah. A little bit of compliment, a little bit of life. Not a compliment for me. I know what he's getting. I'm trying to smooth it over. Oh, okay, okay. See it in my life. Yeah.

It's judgmental. Yeah. No, I just sparkly. It just tastes funny. So was Morgana drinking sparkling? Yes. Yeah. Classy lady.

Oh, God. Yeah, you say that, but like... No, I'm really like, you know, it just, it feels to, it sparking water feels to me like trying to show off. Right. Because how does water come out? Come out. How does what come out?

It comes from the mountain, wherever it comes from. Where does this, it don't come out all fuzzy and that? I think there are some places where you get naturally carbonated water. Naturally carbonated water. But it tastes like the one in the posh bottle that Morgana got last night with a blue lid and the guy's all acting like its wine like, pz. Is this for a year? Maybe not that, actually.

Isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I think most things, the way they come out, fluids, okay. Just crack on. That's interesting. So I'm going to remember this for the rest of the meal, that you only like fluids the same as when they come out.

Yeah, well, I mean, what I mean? Yeah, this is a stupid thing to say. I mean water. You mean water? I mean water, yeah. That's what I mean water. It's a natural product. If you feel like you don't want anyone messing with your water.

Yeah. Like, I don't like, I don't like, um, The Aspartamee sugary water, pisses me off. What one's that? The ones where it's like a little fruit flavour to it and stuff. Yeah, I completely agree with that. Those are the worst waters. Really bad waters, touch of lemon, whatever.

The strawberry ones are most disgusting. Yeah, fuck that. Who is drinking. We had a guy once coming to our house and he was working on our house. I think he was doing, actually, I'm not going to say in case he's listening to this. He's a builder? But he'll know, yeah. He'll know who he is.

you're drinking litre bottles of strawberry-flavored volvick just constantly. Just racking them up. And I was like, it stunk as well. Yeah. It stinks that stuff. That fake strawberry thing. I was like, that's, right,

how have you not put that on silent? You switched to pocket. You took it out your pocket. You put it in the pocket with your other phone and you didn't put it on silent. What did you think was going to happen? No, well, this is, to be fair to me, look, I'm trying to turn it on.

Look, and the screen's not even going on. Can you see? Right. I can see the screens on. It's just the brightness is very low. You're right. And you've got sunglasses on. Yeah.

For the listener. So that made me why it looks like it's off. Yeah, there you go. The screen's on now. I feel like it's not a message. It's a notification. What a stupid phone? What's the notification for?

A silent note. Oh, look, bro. I really had to operate. The issue was if it was a message or not. His confirmation is now on airplane mode. Yeah. So any Tootoo's that come through now, Tutu's not my fault,

then. Airplane mode should dictate no more Tootoo's come through. Yeah. If it's... I want... Just too much as well, I've got two phones.

Have you heard anything from the other phone? Not a peep from the other phone. That's not. But that's still your phone. The other one is still your phone. No, but I'm saying, not. You can't go 50% of my phones up making a noise, so I win.

How does that help your case? Because... Why was it going to 22 then? I don't even know, but it looks like it's got a Ness Cafe logo at the top right. I didn't know. coffee, bro.

It's a do-tun to tell me nest coffee is in the area. What a shit? Notification is that? A note's on a food podcast. Wow, maybe. Because it heard you say your light fluids the way they come out

straight in there. Okay, we're on airplay mode. If there's any more noises, then how is this my fault? Sorry for your listeners. You have to hear this. No, no problem. I don't know.

Fuck it. Absolutely awful. It's gone. Popper domes or bread. Popper domes. He funds up me. James normally does that bit, but he lost his voice recently, so it was my job to do it today.

Why? Why? I'm just, I just wore it out. Just a virus. Yeah, but doing too many, too many pods, too many gigs, lost my voice. So Ed's doing it for this week. Well, he did it very well.

Every time he does it, he asks me, he says to me, I'll do it now. And then he does it, gives me a thumbs up afterwards. Do you make you feel away when you hear him saying? No, I'm trying to say it It shouldn't say I'm going to do it now to me He leaves a massive pause And then he says I'll do it now And then he does it

Well, I also lied It's not Papadam's not Popatoms Yeah I don't even know why I say Popper Dom's I think I said it because I'm Asian And there's no need for it Yeah I'm just being honest with you

Yeah Like Popper Dom's is like Oh yeah maybe I would say that It was a test It was a test Yes I think bread What kind of bread? Yeah

Brioche Blosh Brioche I thought he said blush No, not blush bread, but there's all kind of bread, bro. Can I say something before you start talking about what kind of bread? First of all, bread is not good. Bread's not good, bro.

Bread got a lot of sugar. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell you something. I'll tell you personally, because I have to do you, my boys. I have to tell you personally. So, over the last three months, I've lost three stone in weight, which means, I would, bro. You've been trying to?

Yeah, I had to. It was taking the piss. So I would film this thing. I watched it back, and I was like, for you fucking big bastard. Yeah? I said it by myself. Not acceptable, right? And I'm not really bothered about the way I look, to be honest, for you.

Like, in a sense that I like to make sure I'm dressed properly for you guys and I look smart for you guys, this is important. But I'm fat and how old tits, I don't mind. I'm all right with it, yeah? Got five kids, I've got a wife, seems to love me, I'm all right, back on. But it was bad because the health situation was bad. I can really realize because I don't drink, I don't smoke, but I do eat like a bastard, yeah?

So when you start breaking down bread, I'm like, It's a bread, bro. How much sugar is in bread? Love sugar in bread. Now we're talking rotis. Yeah. Now we're talking non. We're not just talking normal non.

We're talking Peshwari Narn. Do you know what Peshwari Narn is? Yeah, yeah, big time. We're chopping in half. We put in, is it desiccated coconut? Is that what they call it? Mm-hmm. Is that what is the English?

Kishish is, what's the English word for Kishmish? Sultanas. Sultanas. Honey, close it. Put it back in the. Tundur, put extra honey on, cut it, butter larki, panchot, pow!

Now you're eating it every night and you don't really, because no one in the restaurant now, and I'm like, oh let me just have a look like calories that's got in it. Yeah. Blueberry muffin, 320 calories. Like, fuck me, mate, that's a lot of calories. Do you think the

uncles give a shit about what caloric intake is? They don't give a shit. there's more and more and more coconut, honey. How much sugar's in honey? I didn't even realize. You know, people say honey's good. Not when you fucking do an half a bottle on a nun, mate.

Well, it is sugar, isn't it? It's just... It's not sugar, bro. So, bread is bad, but I do love it. Bread is bad, but I love it. You want briosh? No, because nine is a bread, so let me choose Peshwajwani. You've got to choose Pachirani.

If you described it like that, you've got to choose it for your dream meal. But do I have it. This is what I'm saying to you. I'm saying this is what it is. Or maybe have it if you're a sensible consumer of food. But I found this very serious thing.

I was actually okay. I was athletic. I used to box all the time. And in the pursuit of this stupid thing called success. I just tired eating like an idiot, bro.

You understand? I never stayed in London. I don't like staying in London. I don't like staying away from my house and my friends and my family. We're aware of that. You asked us to do this podcast in Coffantry in a fucking pub.

I did. And you refused. No, no, I understand. No, no, no, I appreciate the fact that you said no. Yeah. Because most people would be saying, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no, we're not saying. But for perspective, they have a great time.

Yeah. Because it's owned by my mate and you're having a laugh and, you know. But anyway, whatever you said for coffee is what it is. So we're here now in this Gandhi studio with a Pokemon card holder. So, see, this is the thing people don't understand about, we all do stand-up comedy, right? And people are like, aren't you lucky? They say just like that. There's people who say, aren't you lucky?

I'm like, yeah, but no. sacrifices come. What sacrifice? Driving home from London, Manchester, you get into Cove now. Now, you got a choice. Do you go sleep on a hungry belly?

Or do you call your friends at the restaurant I invited to, but you said, fuck off, I'm not doing a podcast there. Do you call your friends, do they keep the restaurant open at 1am for you, 2 a.m. for you, and put on a spread, wagu steak,

potatoes, just didn't give you the sensible things. And then Rasmalai comes out Have you ever had Rass Malay French toast? I don't think you have. I'm not. This is the problem we got into. So now we're finishing gigs 2.m.

And we're having food like this every day. Then this is why. It's bad. It's bad eating late as well. It's bad, like. You see, and people are going to be like, you're a fucking idiot, Gus can't. My name is Gus can't. But I have to complain because it's part of the game, isn't it?

It's part of the thing that I fell into. This bad habit of... eating all this luscious food because your adrenaline's up, you all know what that's like, isn't it? Are you supposed to fucking finish your gig, go home, just lie in bed,

watch, what channel is my TV show on? Quest. Quest, you don't go and watch Quest. You know, watch Quest. You know, you can't. You're on high.

Yeah, you're with your friends. And the food is coming, but you're on the phone's coming. How many calories? Shut the fuck up, Gus. You know about calories? Eat the non. This is what I found myself in.

So, yeah, this is, I thought I would just, make that point because I don't know if you two have experienced anything similar. You're not after you coming home late? What oyster? Yeah, every night? It's just rubbish, isn't it? Even if you're trying to be sensible,

your brain like, why am I punishing? Look all these nice people that came out. They had a good time. We did a good thing. We made people laugh tonight. How nice. Let me treat myself. Yeah.

What? With a rivet? No, mate. What a shit treat? You want something. You know what I mean? This is what I found myself in a sticky situation. I get bad food hangovers in there, though.

What do you mean? I will get the equivalent of an alcohol hangover from eating loads of food really late. When I wake up the next day, I feel shit. Do you think that's age? Yeah. My uncle's telling me about this. So he's like, if he eats certain foods past like 10 o'clock, he just lies in bed sweating all night.

He's probably got out of the health issue. I'm going to get it checked out if you're not going to listen. But like, you know, I think food does affect you at different ages. Yeah, definitely. We all the same age, didn't it? 40? Yeah, 40 next month. you know. Yeah. When you 40? March?

Yeah. We ought to say we're all year 11. We all year 11 same time. Year 11 same time. We're all year 11. We're all year 11. Yeah, we're all year 11. Yeah. We're all year 11. And I think it's like, I also, you know what? I also worry when it comes to food and like people who have really good control over it, they're quite boring. Yeah. You understand what I mean by this? They don't live life on the edge. They're not interested. Do you live life on the edge? Goose? Do you Is that?

Yeah. Like, I said to my, like, like, wait, what's that, hold on a minute.

What's the edge? Well, I think you're defining the edge, right? You define your own edge. Yeah, I'm very impulsive. Yeah.

And my wife, she's like, it's very impulsive. So, like, I'm just, we're going to live in Tokyo, I think,

next year. Right. That's impulsive, isn't it? Yeah. Yes. So I think that's living on the edge.

Yeah. I mean. Because we've got five kids And, you know, like, she's like, for goodness sake, mate. Have you fought this through, though? Yeah. I open the value of those Pokemon cards are going to go down in Tokyo. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. They got way more there. It's not as rare there. I don't know if it's racism, but you have to remember something about Pokemon cards as well. Japanese Pokemon cards where the whole thing began. Yeah. Yes. Are worth less than English cards, yeah.

What? I don't know. Imagine that, bro. Imagine you to come up with Bishwari Narn, yeah? And in the streets of Ket. and I take it over to Pakistan and I say, look at this, bro, sick. And people are like, no, it's great because it's from Pakistan.

It's much better. You lot made them nine in the first place. Sad, isn't it? I feel bad for the Japanese. If now I was invented in Ketran. Yeah, and I took in Pakistan. And just because I took in Pakistan and the perception is like, ooh, ooh,

isn't this fucking better? Why? Same card, same pictures, same everything. Just one's got Japanese, one's got English to one, English one. Triple amount of money. Appalling. Especially in Japan, I guess, as well.

If you sold the English ones in Japan. Yeah. That's just rubbing it in. I would never do it. But the quality of the Japanese collector's cards are going to be better because they keep everything perfectly there. Thank you. And even on that note, even the card,

the cardboard quality that is in Japan, far superior to the American stuff. So why are you moving to Tokyo? Because all I heard was we're moving to Tokyo because we've got five kids, which is, I've never heard that as a bit of logic before. You know how it is, bro? We're going to get in some stuff now.

life is short isn't it? And I say this, we were all in year 11 one minute ago don't like, you feel like one minute ago I thought we were still in year 11 No, no, we are in our hearts But we're not, it's all mid-aged, now, bro, we're finished, bro I'm saying like it's gone so quick

And I've been, me and my wife been together a long time And I was just like, yo, before it's game over Tap out, go on, I see you Let's do as much fun stuff as possible And she's like, what about school? And I said, it's a thing. School is a thing. But are the kids going to have more fun

bowling around Tokyo with us on the circular loop system? I don't even know if it's a real thing. It's like trains and that. We're all going to have more fun doing that. Or learning King Henry the 8th. I think they're going to have more fun in Japan. Yeah, yeah. I think probably will.

So this is what I'm planning to do? So when you see living life on the edge, I think that's pretty edgy. Yeah. Yeah. Bro, I don't know no Japanese. Look at me. Just a sound.

You're going to turn up in Japan. I'm assuming there's not much people who even look like me and that in Japan. And I think it's a fair assumption. I think you're right. I think it's, you know, largely Japanese people there. Right? I'd say. I think, I think so.

It's a fair assumption to me. I mean, we've both been and I certainly saw my fair share of Japanese people. Yeah. Good. Yeah. Good. I want to see what it's like. I heard the air quality is really good.

I've seen 10. TikTok videos about how goldfish live in the... Like to just a puddle. Okay. And there's goldfish in it and they live... They live very happily. I want to live in a place, all right? Yeah.

I don't got a fucking goldfish in the puddles in golf, mate. 3D Mario cut? 3D Mario. There's lots to... Do you understand what I mean? Yeah. So, like, if I'm saying... If every few years we go and get this new experience...

Yeah. That's quite dramatic, isn't it? Yeah. With the added thing... If it was just me and I mean... I'm really indifferent, but five kids, it's a lot to move. I mean, I'd say having five kids is life on the edge. Yeah, regardless of what you're living.

You say that. I was on the one show yesterday. Uh-huh. There was a man from Hartleypool's White Brother. And Alex Jones said, you're one of 14. And we were like, 14 what? He's got 14 brothers and sisters. And one show, I said, from the same woman, dad, blood, you got 14?

And then he said, yeah, and he was a bit like, you could tell probably he's had that reaction many times. Sure. But I was really, I couldn't believe it. Now, you say five's a lot. I'm seeing next to my man there, bro. Yeah. 14 brothers' sisters. Catholics, probably.

They absolutely. My grandma was one of eight. See? Yeah. Irish Catholics. Maybe it's a guy, I don't know. Maybe in the moment I just on it. I don't know.

Like, it could be any number of things. Yeah, but that's beyond on it, though, isn't it? 14. There's almost got to be. overlap. Yeah. Maybe some people, some people,

I've seen, no, you always see them documentaries, bro, and they're all Catholic. Well, maybe not.

In America, we just got like, it's a very Catholic thing, though, isn't it? Like, it's an Irish Catholic thing to,

because you can't absolutely pump them out. You have just, it's either nothing or the pull-out method. What's your dream starter? Gus. Ha!

Don't want to kid, you finish a kid. Oh, starters. Um, It depends on the mood I'm in, really, to run, should you? Yeah. Okay.

What kind of mood am I in today? Yeah. Even though I won't eat them because I'm trying to stay healthy. Yes. Hot honey tenders. So deep fried tenders, drizzled in hot honey. Some of the best ones I've had are in the Middle East. Don't ask me why.

The Lebanese brother just be, wham. Bring them out tasty, bro. Like next level tasty. And they're usually accompanied with some kind of like masala fries. sounds a bit mainsie, doesn't it? Yeah, but, you know. But you're sharing it around. You know what?

I don't really eat at my own. No? Like, now I feel weird. I come down here, I'm eating on my own, find it very strange. I don't really even know what to order. Because usually, no problem, bro.

When I am eating, sneezing, it's sneezing, sorry for sneezing, but it's sneeze. Hamdil Allah, you're okay. So, like, when I eat, I'm never eating on my own. Minimums I'm eating with me,

I'm reading five other people. Yeah. So when we... Your kids. Yeah. Yeah. Usually them not. Yeah.

And, you know, it's a big, everyone's like ordering. So, but they love the hot honey tenders. They love the masala fries. In the Middle East, I had Tanzanian masala fries. Wow. Had a different kind of flavors on there. Very interesting stuff, bro. Very tasty.

Have you ever had Tanzanian? No. Inspired fries? No. They like, they're not fries, bro. They call them like mogo chips. Have you heard of them? Oh, so it's not actual potato.

No, it's a different thing, bro. Yeah, yeah. I've had that before. Is it called cassava? Maybe. Okay. Yeah. Deep fried rice.

The same thing the mogo is the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Casava. It's where it was Ling. We did a TV show together once, and when it was time to eat, you'd always knock on my door and sit in my dressing room,

happy food. Yeah, I thought it was nice. It makes sense, don't he? Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't eat a line? I completely agree with you. It's nice to eat with other people. How was James every time you knocked on his door?

Yeah, not a big... He wasn't very happy. It's good. It's nice to see you. Yeah. It's like, you perched on the edge of the sofa, and I was like, oh, he's not comfortable. Because if you got a big leather sofa there,

and he's sitting on the edge of it, like, waiting for me to finish. Like a little bird. Yeah, I could tell you he was uncomfortable. Did that make me return to my room? No. No, you know. But I wanted the company to win.

Yeah. Not this reclusive dinner eating, brother. This is shit, bro. What's that, bro? When we used to be in about the week together, we'd eat dinner together, didn't we? That's nice. Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes, when I got my way.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I'll be like I've got to work on my material. Yeah. What would you say that? So you're just like eating a loins of finger, yours then? I can eat on my own. But I like eating with other people as well. Not by the sound of it.

That's not what I felt like when you were pushed at the edge of your sofa. It's not true. In lockdown and we were all there together. I don't know. I just, I think food tastes better when you're trying. that in and, isn't it? I agree, I agree with that. And what I love about it as well is

when you're all sharing stuff and you can all taste a bit of everything. And you can come out and be like, I'm not even that full, but I tasted so many different things today. Yeah, this is good. And also, like, I don't know, I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but like some of my, some of my friends growing up, they've got a plate of food and there's a chip there. And you go and patch it like, yes, and then you just have a chip.

You do that. You just... Yeah, like, it happens. But I don't mind when people do that. If I'm sitting and eating, and you two walk past and you just like, wham, take a handful of mogo chips, and you just eat that.

I'm not going to get, I'm going to be like, yeah, eat, bro. Some people get really annoyed by that, don't they? Don't ever do that again. So you would walk past and just, like, grab a chip of someone's plate? Yeah. Not a stranger.

When you say it's a cultural thing, do you mean it's a good thing? Or do you feel like it is a cultural thing? No, I mean, the cultures are like, the area we grew up in, Right. I can't remember anybody get offended about, like, let me, I've eaten your peri, Perry, Perry Chips, bro. Like, let me ask permission, can I eat some of your peri, Perry, Perry Chips?

You'd be sitting down, everyone's having a laugh and stuff, and someone go, or wing, or, like, they'll break a chunk of your chicken off and just eat it. Yeah. I'm used to that. I would go insane. Oh, yeah, you would be happy with it. But you know, you know that. You know, I'd go mad. What is it?

Because of fingers. I'd love to see it, but I'd hate to see it. This is my food. Yeah, I don't get that. My food that I ordered, and then in my head, I've planned out everything I'm eating, and I can't wait to have all of it. And I've done all the planning in my head of how I'm going to eat it. And then people come along and mess up the plan.

Right, I was on tour, right, we're at the airport, asking my tour manager what he wanted. I was on the Nando's app. And he said, oh, I'll have this burger. I went, do you want anything in it? And he went, yeah, can I get Hulumi? So I was like, yeah, Hulumi in it. order my food, which is half chicken hot, halumi, the new creamy corn and broccoli.

I go to the toilet, come back, my halumi's arrived. He's fucking tucking into that. You were not happy. I was like, that's my halumi. You're not happy. That's my hulumi. He went, no, it's my hulumi. I went, it's fucking not.

I ordered it. He said, I wanted Hulomi. I went, that's in your burger. That's not even here yet, mate. When this burger arrives, are you going to take some Hulumi out and give it to me? You're still be angry about it. Then his burger arrives.

they've put my pot of gravy on the on the plate. Before I can do anything, he's dipping a chip in the gravy. I wouldn't have thought so, mate. Because he said, oh, I wanted the Christmas one, but they didn't have it, and that comes with gravy. You said it still had gravy in my head.

A likely story. You're fired. I was going to ask this, but not you're talking about it anymore. No, kicked him out at the airport. And it's difficult to leave an airport after you've gone through security. You're what? This is what I want to mention this.

This is what I mean. I just wouldn't be what I would. clearly be a nightmare of yours. No, because I think you'd do it in a cheeky way, and I think you can pull it off. I think if you just went, whoop, and took a chip, I'd be like, oh, you. Oh, that's not fair, though? No, it's not fair. So that's a skill-based thing. Life's not fair. He wasn't skilled for it. Charm. You got charm.

It's true. You're a charming, man. Yeah. But I'd like, I wouldn't, when we got out one day to eat, I would just, I'll order something, and if you just start cracking off the plate, I don't, I think it's nice. I think it's good. Sharing plate's fine, individual meals, you can't crack off the plate. unless someone offers you a crack off the plate. And even then, if you're going, oh, do you want to taste some of this?

That's a lovely thing to do. But then the other person has to go, oh, do you want to it in mine? Like, no, that's why I didn't order it. I don't want it. You see, look, this is a very stringent set of... Yeah, yeah. I feel like the thing that we're going to...

We're just going to miss each other on here. It's the permission element. Yeah. When you start bringing permission, like, consent into it. Yeah. Food. Yeah. Clip it up.

Food. Club it up. Just food. I think like... You know what I truly think? I think in my heart I'll be like, I'm not really friends. If we're really friends...

Because you'd be able to take food off my friends. Yeah, yeah, actually. Without permission. 100%. But it works vice versa. Yeah. I would feel like, oh, he's not going to put his... You can put your hand on my plate.

Because this is what I've remembered. Actually, he's saying goes vice versa in the friendship, I don't know. He's coming into my dressing room to eat his food. Yeah. because he wants to be around each other when we're eating food. I tried to invite myself to his house once because he was going to have a big, big meal.

He said no. What? It was Eid and he wouldn't let me. Okay. I was like, I can come. He said no. Do you remember that? I don't.

Got a few. I just thought I felt sad in my heart. Also, why are you inviting yourself to people's family occasions? I wanted to meet his family. You've heard so much about him. Eid is in March. Yeah. I will not be.

in the country. I won't be talking about him in the country. You two are welcome come on the plane. I'm gonna put the plat, the food I put on for you. You'll never forget it.

I mean, my kids will be eating out your plates and stuff, but yeah, that's a separate issue. Yeah, you got to deal with that. I'd have to deal with that in your house because that's what you're doing, right?

But I've given you pretty warning, isn't it? Yeah. You ain't pulled up to the house and my kids like, yeah, fuck you. Like, it's not, not going to do that. It's going to be a loving caring way. No, because knowing you,

you'll get all your kids to say, fuck you and take stuff off my plate. They'll all come up to be one by one and go, fuck you. You trade them to do that exact thing. And then you'll be in the window, just laughing. Is he bad that kids swear? No, I think it's hilarious. It's not even can swear you. Because I don't like, they do it my life.

Can you work your dream main course into this answer? Yeah, I can actually. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I like main courses. They're good. So kids swearing. Yeah.

No, what's my main course? It's a very interesting question. because it depends on how I feel. I love my Pakistani heritage. I love Pakistani food. Now, if it's being prepared at home by an expert, like auntie, uncle, whatever, I will have, like, saline is basically curry,

saline, depending on dialect, lavin, right? And there's so many different types of salons and curries that can be cooked, right? But I don't really get to enjoy that much anymore because I'm always on a move and always on a... So I like for mains, chicken shish kebab, mutton chops,

lamb chops, right? But they have to be cooked in a tundur style. When you cook them in this tundur style, you maintain all of the juiciness, yeah?

And you can have several different types of flavoring that go. But even this guy was telling me, depending on where they put it in a tundur, the more chagrull it is gives it. It's obviously like,

different flavor. But when you keep it further up the Tandur, you maintain all the mooshy in the meat. So my mains would be either Pakistani or I really like Iranian, like Chobide, I think it's called Chbide, where they get the kima, the mince meat, and you have a chicken and a meat and with a rice. So like, that's my kind of vibe.

It has to be, like the Iranians do like more saffrony rice. You know, it's got a different tinge to it. If it's Pakistani or Afghani, It's more like Bilau. Like I wouldn't do a buriani with that. I think that's a bit too much. B'riani is its own art form, yeah? But those clean, juicy meats in a shish dendur style

with like a clean rice, that's my means. Delicious. And you know what's mad? We spend a lot of time in the Middle East, right? And in the Middle East, there's a lot of people from South Asia regionally. Different villages, different. Bro, you ball up to a restaurant. and the taste of a kebab at one restaurant

versus the other one down the road, there's such a difference, bro. There's such a difference in the... Obviously, you've got the spices that go into the kema, the mince meat when they're putting it together. But it's even like length of times and cooking stars and like the kind of coal and the woodness at the bottom of the Tandul. It's mad, bro.

I've been enjoying that. Yeah, delicious. I think, yeah, it's just my favourite sort of food. Chops and juicy and grilled meat with the... spices and mutton and lamb. So you get to do a little comparison on that flavor difference. Yeah. And the thing is,

there's loads of different ways you can enjoy. It is just nice with rice, but like if you're really going for it, like a hulking, cheesy garlic gnarc that when you get your fingernails and you rub it over the top of the night, it's going, it's all like, crispy, I'm firm on top.

but inside is all juicy and you're taking that and now you get in the kebab you're eating hands by the way yeah yeah this is a big problem for mom dani mom dani was eating with his hands on the internet and everyone said you fucking even

you bastard eating with your hands do you eat pizza with your hands yes I do chill out then yeah just chill off a cat just chill off our cats like there's a

there's so much tastier to eat that kind of food with your hands you get what I'm saying him, bro. Don't usually, I don't, I wouldn't be dipping on your, you know if it's like that?

I wouldn't dip on your plate. Because I've been licking my fingers. You could keep your plate, you can maintain what's in your plate because I've got respect to the boundaries, you know what I'm saying? Thank you. But like eating,

eating that kind of food with your hands, I does nothing like it, bro. On the floor. On the floor. Yeah, floor setting. You're going to love Tokyo. You're on the floor, they're on the floor?

Yeah, do they? Yeah, traditional Japanese restaurants. You sell me. Like in a tatami room. Yeah. Sick. I mean, I don't know. I don't think there's gone much...

They don't look like a kebabby country. No, I don't think so. I mean, there's Yakitori, she's like grilled meat. It's like a hot pot. No, no, no, like grilled meat. You just go to these restaurants and they've got like... Some of them have got live fire, some of them just got little... Grinned and you just do it yourself?

Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, a guy did be a little nice lobster on there once. Where do you... Where do you go? Huh?

Lobster? Yeah, in Japan. In Japan? Yeah, did lobster on the Yakotori grill. Crazy. I think I'm a bit allergic to lobster. Have you ever done allergy tests? You too?

No, never had allergy tests. I'm only, that I know of, I'm allergic to horses and oxytetracycline. Is that an antibiotic? Yeah. Do it? Got bad acne when I was a teenager. Really bad acne.

I was really down about it. And my mom was like, we'll go to the doctor and sort of me out via acne. Sorry, thanks, Mom. Dr. Gave me this oxytectrocycling. I took it horrible rash on top of my acne. Shit.

That's not good, man. No, no, I wasn't a happy guy. Why did you ever, bro? Yeah, yeah. Oxytocytocin? Yeah. Man, forget that, man. What a shit, antivating.

You don't allergies? No, I haven't done the test. I'm not allergic to anything as far as I know. That's what you think? Socialising, am I right? Bro, you're 100% right. Yeah. You're 100% right.

You're an absolute wanker. Like, the reason why I make you? it's because it's related to food, is I would say for years, ooh, I had that pineapple, bro. That is funny, bro. And I was with Alan Davis in a field, and he's cutting up pineapple, and we're all eating pineapple. And I've, I've bit it now. And I've gone, ooh, my tongue, bro, is doing a mad one.

Because I've been eating pineapple for years. And he went, I think he might be allergic to pineapple. And I was like saying, shit, Alan Davis. So I just carried on eating pineapple. And I also noticed that when I have ginger, something funny. I also noticed when I eat

Ferreira Roches something funny. Right? So Well, that might be hazelnuts then. Yes. Yeah, not Ferreira Rochais. Well, this only time I mean hazelnut.

Yeah. Ferreira Roche. Yeah. So when my allergy when my allergy test came back, guess what? In red? Pineapple.

Yeah. Not for a little. Ray of Russia, Hazeln up. Yeah. And what's the other one I said? Ginger. Ginger. You've got to remember this, because this is your job to remember.

Your one is allergic. You're right. All them, guess what else I'm allergic to? And I walk to my mom's house. I say, Mom, you bully. You bully me, said for all these years, I am allergic to Dal. Dahl.

Lentos. Said it on the doll. Sending red, I took the sheet to my mom. I said, Mom, you said I didn't want to eat your doll all them years. Because my body was repulsed by it. me, my body was rejecting your doll. Because it's a big thing in my house. Everyone's like, an idiot doesn't eat doll.

Everyone loves kind of doll. Like, and you know, the way mom's cooking it is lame. But every time I eat, I'd be like, I'm more be incensed by this. It's the stupid face you're doing. I'm like, it's darned, man. It's so funny, but. Dahl allergic.

Dahl allergic. Farrell allergic. Piner allergic. Why were you in a field without them? Was it for Taskmaster? No, I've signed another show. But he was, yeah. But I'm glad he said it because that's the first time I've even occurred to me.

I might be allergic to food because he's like, that's not normal that your tongue's swollen and I look my tongue he's gone bigger You showed him your tongue You showed him to my tongue

yeah I showed him to my tongue like you really tried to guide me through it Yeah I think you're allergic And I wanted to reject it Because I was like allergic to food Kind of behaviour is that

Yeah What effect did the lentils Have on you? Like vindication I meant physical effects Oh, You're not finding out you're allergic. A bloating.

Yeah. Which is mad, ain't it? Because, like, obviously, being Pakistani, being Saudi Asian, everyone's like, Dahl is the healthiest, darling. Oh, you don't want to be healthy because you don't eat dull. Every time I eat dull, I would feel it. That's mad ain't it? Yeah.

Allergic to milk as well. But not common milk. Remember that one just right at the end. Yeah. The most common one. Yeah. Allergic to milk. But why is this, my?

Not camel milk. Not camel milk. So have you found that out? It was green. Camel milk was green. What, they put all that on their form? Yeah. So camel milk is green.

All the other milks is coming up, orange, red, there's another. And I tested it. I drank one litre of camel milk. No, far good. No bloating, nothing. That's crazy, isn't it? Yeah, you've got to have camel milk in everything. I still have milk's hard to avoid.

But like, back in, you know, before this diagnosis, some ice cream, smushing it, this diet. that milkshake smashing it. I've reduced that and I swear that it's made a difference. Yeah, it will do. Yeah. She's mad, ain't it? Because you're allergic to milk.

Yeah. What is it stupid? What is stupid? That's stupid. What am I allergic to milk? That's a ridiculous thing. Your lactose intolerant. Yeah, but that's ridiculous.

But whether it's ridiculous or not, it's true. Yeah, I know. You're right. Of course it's going to help if you don't eat. You're right, but I'm just disappointed. What is he doing that for? Yeah. You're not lactose intolerant.

No, no, no. It's taking a piss, bro. Like, I was really annoyed at my body. Yeah. Yeah. The genetic makeup of it. Why is this shit? Fucking allergic to milk, bro.

Dream side dish. Does it have to be sweet? Sweet. Sweet side dish. No, it's not sweet side dish. Do I have sweet side dishes, bro? All the time? It doesn't have to be anything.

Whatever you want it to be, your side dish. But normally, I guess, side dish is a savory, so. I'm surprised here. Does it have to be sweet? But you can have whatever you like. Is a side dish usually savory? In my world. I'm not talking about your world.

In my world. Do you think I've had a... I don't... I just think if I've had a... Look at... No. I don't think if I had a side dish. What's the hell?

No. Would it be like people pick chips a lot? People pick, you know... Because you're basically how I've been explaining this stuff. For the start, there was already chips in there. Yeah, yeah. So I would assume what you're asking me is how I'm... I'm like composing the meal.

Yeah. I'm having the sides all over the place. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to a resume. Oh yeah, let me have look at the sides, mate. I'm saying,

let me see that menu and let me decide when it's all coming out. Understand? Maybe I have my dessert at the top and I have my sides at the end. Maybe that's how we'd be feeling. You know what I'm saying? Sides? Well, let me just talk about childhood. If you're talking about that.

Like you will have a chicken fillet burger. Yeah Double fillet Not with cheese Can't have that anymore Where from? Dixie chicken Chicken

Kitchen, chicken cottage This kind of place These are like Midlands places I know in London They got Mollies And all this kind of stuff But we didn't really mess with No, we're a favourite chicken

Favorite chicken? Yeah, yeah Okay, favourite chicken is a bit of a bangar So Dixie Chicken Cottage So with the fillet burger You could have like Barbecue wings

Or you could have like Perry Perry Wings But like Like, I like my, if you're going to term them as sides, I don't really agree with this statement, by the way. If you're going to turn this stuff as sides, it's got to be like, it's got to compliment the main meal, do you understand? Like, I'm not trying to eat a chicken fillet burger and then look like on mashed potato. That shit. If I'm having double chicken filet burger, it has to be like wings, thigh, this kind of.

Do you understand what I'm saying? More chicken. Yeah, more chicken. Yeah, more chicken. Yeah, fries as well. chicken burger. I don't really define that outside. How are you going to have a filet burger

without the fries anyway? That is ridiculous. That's like my lactose intolerance. It's so stupid. Yeah. Sure. I would do that, I think. I don't think I'd have fries.

Right? I know I'd just get like the big fillet burger, the one with the onion ring in it. Well, so that's a good option. And that would be it. Just that. You wouldn't, so you're going into Boss Man's shop.

Yeah. He's putting the burger together for you. And on the rack, there's wings and legs and and you are not, you're not tempted. Ribs. Ribs are favorite. Ribs are... They're not good, though.

Not from them, please. So solid. Well, so, yeah, side. Side is a good way to define it. Yeah. More fried chicken in this sense. But you've got the stuff in the Tandor. So the side for that

is going to be the fried chicken. Yeah. Okay. What's wrong with that? Well, just because you did a long speech about how the side has to complement the main. So if you're having a chicken burger, you would have fried chicken.

More fried. And then even when you said, My side dish is more fried chicken. But you can't say it's more fried chicken because the main is not fried chicken, right? Well, I've just changed my mind. What are you talking about? Let's just quote it more fried chicken. That's what I'm going for.

I said a statement previously, which is it has to complement the main. I'd like to retract that statement. Yeah, yeah. I would like to say half a whole, half a chicken fried. Half a chicken fried. Yeah. Can I just check as well? I remember, I'm sharing this meal.

You know, I know. It's not mine. It was judge of you how much there is. The start is fried chicken as well, right? It was. Yeah, chicken tenders, yeah. Yeah. So it is more fried chicken.

Yeah. So why is the meal so far? You've got the, well, you've got your hot honey tenders. With fries. But not just any fries. It was the mogo chip. The mogo, yeah, yeah. Then the Tandor stuff.

Where does the Pachwani Nine come from then? That was the bread at the start of the course. Yes, yes. Then you got all the tandoor stuff. Yeah. The mutton and the lab. and the chicken. More chicken.

Then you've got on the side. Chicken thigh, chicken wings. Deep fried. Yeah, deep fried. Deep fried from the chicken shop. With like a selection of spices. Yeah. Yeah.

Like chicken. Yeah, like spices. Yeah. Dix chicken never really do the spice, but you can bring it for your house. Yeah. You know what spices are you putting on it? Like you've got them shakers.

They just got the peri-pery stuff in it, right? Uh-huh. But I'm telling you, like this, that flavoring they put on. That Tanzanian spice blend that you put it on the chicken out of a bang as well. Yeah. That'll bring it all together. They'll bring it all together.

Yeah. Your dream drink? Water. Sticking with the water. Just plain water. Yeah. Because now I remember I said that statement as well. Just I'm happy with water.

Is this just because you're doubling down on the statement that all fluid should be as it comes out? Yeah. I am. So you just don't want to move away from that. But there must be another drink that you like. Yeah. You'd be like absolutely. Maybe orange juice.

That's how it comes out. Orange juice. Yeah. Yeah, with no more additives. Maybe, maybe a fruit juice or some sort. I'm not going to pick you up on it. If you want to pick a different drink. I feel like this is turning into the investigation.

No soft drink. No soft drink. Plain water. Yeah. As intended, no, sparkling. And potentially a fruit juice. Or fresh, but not a, mango juice. Mango juice.

Mango Lucy. Mango Lussie? Now we're getting into it. Can I just take a step away from the whole double-downy thing? Yeah. Munga Lussie's bad, bro. sick, and he have to have to have with caramel milk, but like, mango less. Cammer milk.

Cammer milk. But this is a dream restaurant, and you know, you said you don't mind a bit of milk now and again. Yeah, yeah, fine. Fuluda. You know what Fulida is? No. Oh my God. It's a drink, but it's a dessert.

Uh-huh. Right? And Fuluda is ice cream, cream, rose water. It is an unbelievable drink. Simia. What's the English translation? for the word semya. I don't know what it is, bro.

But very thin. It's not pasta, bro. It's very thin. Vermicelli. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay. They put vermicelli in there. You've got ice cream, like,

like, ice cream. Not freaking, you know, like ice cream. It's slightly melted, so you can drink it through a straw, but you are invited to eat it with a spoon. So it is a bit,

like, 50-50. You get straw with it, but you get a spoon as well. Then, depending on which region of Pakistan you're in, they'll put, like, Pakistani sweets. Over the top. Wow.

And Faluda, with the rose water hit, with the vermicelli, with the kulfi ice cream and the creamy milk. That is a dangerous drink. I have one of these. You had Flouda? Yeah. Did someone else pick this? Mawan. There you go.

Mawana had this. Yeah. Mwan knows what's going on. How would you feel if I walked over with my own straw straight into your fludera and I took a sip of it? No permission. I wouldn't sack you as my tour manager. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. Yeah.

I might be like, yo, but like, you can, oh, you know, I know. No, I would just be like, I have it, because. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't fire someone to make them cry at an airport, whatever he did. I'm just trying to find your line with the food sharing thing. No, no, no, no, I didn't know. I told you already. I'm good with it.

So, you had a fluida. What kind of flu do you have? Can you remember? I think it might have been rose walks. That's one of the things you said that made me go, oh, you know, I don't think I've had that. You can have mango various. You can have been said about the vermichelli stuff. I was like, oh, yeah, I have had this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. I mean, it's mad rich. Yeah. But it's a fun, it's a fun drink, you know? Yeah. If I want someone to come into my world, I'd be like, I try this for nine, tried this before they leave.

Like, oh yeah. Well, we're a Coke. Watching for a pick Coke. Oh, boy, y'all have a can of Coke. How boring is that? A lot of people who chose Coke on this. Yeah, how boring. They did no prior thought of this.

Yeah. Neither did I, but the point is on the spot. I came up with Faluda. I was about to call you out on that. I mean, I'm a minute, I'm truthful day. Yeah. Would you, would you rather foluda? Or a can of coax here, and this is ridiculous.

Yeah, yeah. In the picture that we're trying to paint here. Yeah. Yeah, any drink that's basically a dessert, that gets my book. Yeah, of course, it's so of your drink. Would you say a milkshake is the same kind of thing? Yeah. A drink dessert?

Yesterday. So we got a new fridge freezer yesterday. Yes. We're out in the day, out in the evening. And what the people were done who were, like, sorting out and got all, all the stuff from our freezer, put it in these freezer bags, you know, there's what we, and,

but they just left them outside the house. When we got home, they were there, and I was like, I've got like, three tubs of ice cream that were in that freezer. I looked in, they'd all melted to milkshakes. I drank one of them. Oh.

You're right there on the doorstep. On the doorstep? Ben and Jerry's strawberry cheesecake, just drank it out of the cup, bro. Just drank it out of the cup. That's what people do when they're trying to put and wait for films. Yeah.

That's fun. I'm doing the opposite of what you're doing. Why don't you go indoors? Huh? Why don't you go indoors? Tis the season. That's a delicious drink, though, because that sounds amazing. Right?

Yeah. I feel like I want to take you meat. Is that what you're choosing the fludor over the mango lussey? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people have had mango lussey, but Faluda might be a little bit. We've had a few lussies on the pod.

But yeah, it's nice to have a fludda back. I need to take, bro, you need to come for a fluda, bro, one day. Yeah? An it? Your drink dessert. It's interesting because I told you over the attractive things, I like to put things at different parts in a menu. Some would say the Peshwari Nan, Kishmish, honey, that's the dessert.

And that's usually how I enjoy it. But I would like to go to a specific meal at one of my best mates restaurants in the city of Coventry. And he came up with the idea of a French toast. and it's not a slice, mate. It's a loaf of it. Yeah. Fawking wedge on it.

Thick, good, and you know, we're like outside's so crispy and then you squeeze it, you're like, and the steam comes out. And on top, he puts four Rasmalai. He's a homemade Rasmalai, not from the box, bro. It's a different experience, right?

Yeah. Have you have a Rasmalai? No. I don't think I have. Rasmalai is like a pillow of sweet heaven. Okay? Okay. It's milky.

sweet condensed milk with a little bit of almonds in it but it's like a Rasmalai is a pillow of beauty and when you buy it it's of course it's milky really like Rasmolai of course it's milky but it's got like a certain texture to it where it feels like your butt you know if you were like I wish a cloud tasted like this

that's what Rasmolai tastes like Rasmalai tastes like the cloud in my head so he puts the Rasmalai on top of the loaf of French toast and as the milk drizzles over and you cut into it, bro, that is the baddest boy dessert I've tried in many, many years. And it's on the menu of this place? Yeah.

What's the place called? The farmhouse in Coventry. Farmhouse. Big up sunny and Vic. Big up the farmhouse. And like, that's a dessert you can't get anywhere else. Yeah. Because you're going to go, you're going to get a Rasmalaya.

You're going to get. But no, in that whole world of fusion, bro, for anyone listening to this, who has had Ras Malai before, they're going to back me up on it. I should have bought Ras Malai. This is what I should have done. We could have just tried it here right now. But I assumed you two would have had Rasmalai before.

Yeah, I'm ashamed. But hey, next year, I've got some tour dates. I'm in Birmingham for a few days. I can, in the daytime, I can say to my tour manager, let's go to Coventry before the show tonight. Don't trust those guys. What? You won't get even one bite of that French toast.

That's true. You'll go to the toilet, you come back. You know, where the fuck's my rest, my life, French toast. I'd have fired them. Yeah. Can't get to the gig. And I won't give you a little. No.

Oh, thank you. And you shouldn't. No, but I still remember how you try to play me on this podcast. Try play me on this podcast, bro. Come on. You're welcome to my house to eat, forget outside, eat any time, both of you. Thank you. Such a terrible reputation you tried to give me.

I'm not even like that as a person. I'm going to come see you in Tokyo. Yeah. I might not be, you know, it's impulsive. I might not even be there. But like, if I get there, I'll tell you. Yeah. If you go to Tokyo, I'm going to come and visit you there.

Just come Middle East first. I'm spending a lot of time there at the moment. And I'd love to take you on a foot. By the way, can I just both thank you for coming to Waltham Sturt? Oh, yes. To do those gigs? Well, it was Gus Card and Friends. It was, and I just want to say.

You didn't show up to James's? I got an event. He showed up in the end. He had his own car problems that night. He was stuck behind a biscuit lawyer. He had blown up. Didn't you have to It's true, man

climb over the barrier on the motorway And like run to the gig Yeah, I did And you know, I was sitting in the back of the car, calm, I was like, and then I was like, this is life, you're going to miss a gig,

you're going to miss a gig, you're going to miss a gig, what's all the fuss. I was out of car, bro. I was jumping fences, walking through cow shit and we made it in the end. But I really liked it

because like, this is, this is the beauty of this industry, in it? Bringing people together and new people's meeting each other. A lot of guys, some Waltham Stowe's bad man were in the audience. They were both very impressed by you too.

I love that. I love the fact that Waltham Stowe's bad man's minds is open. He's like, yeah, man, the man are sick, you know? Looking like... I swear, I'm not looking like lawyers and that, but they're sick, you know? Yeah, yeah. Okay, guys, we're going to meet you your menu back now. See how you feel about it.

You're like still water. You want Peshwari nun. Start a hot honey tenders with masala fries. Main course, Tandor style, chicken shish kebab, mutton chops, lamb chops with rice. side dish, more fried chicken, drink for luda, dessert, loaf of French toast with four Rasmalai from the farmhouse in Coventry. That's a good meal.

I really want that French toast. Yeah. I really, really want it. My genuine offer is any, any time, just pull up. It's not even far. Yeah. Coff's not even that far, is it? So just pull up, bro, any time days and night, we'll go.

It's better when you just do it like, Goose, we're on our way. Yeah. Let's do it. I mean, the main course as well. That kind of meat is just the best. Exceptional. But anything else? How is life?

Pretty good in general, you know. Just getting over losing my voice, but it's pretty much back now. You've got to have operations doing or? No, I don't think so. Nodgles or? I don't think it's nodules. Have you had that checked? No.

I didn't have it checked. I just lay in bed for a few days or, you know, watch Westworld with my mum. It's quite rude. What? Westworld's quite rude. Oh, yeah. It's a few sexy. in it actually.

I've forgotten. It wasn't in bed in my. Okay. Yes, Runa, but he, wedding your bed at Westwood's a root to watch with your mom, but it's a half a second, bro. All dick's out everywhere.

Don't watch that with your mom. Thank you so much for going to the dream restaurant, Guss. Thanks, mate. Thanks, Goose. Well, there we are, James. What an app with Goz. Brilliant. That could have gone on for hours and hours and hours. Yeah, you really tried to, like,

rail on a parade. What? We're having great chats and you're always like, oh, what do you want for your main course? Come on. But he was flashing up his fingers at me. Come on, Miranda. How many minutes we had left?

Yeah. You know, I've got to spend a lot of plates. Yeah. You know, every time you've got a responsibility, like shout popping on the bread for the first time. It wasn't the first time. That was like the fifth time I wanted to do it. Yeah, so you're constantly messing that up.

I didn't mess it up today. I'm on top of my responsibilities. I didn't, you did the whole I'm going to do it. And then you did it again. That's not messing it up. It's not doing it properly. I didn't say plopadoms or head, did I? No, well done.

Oh, sorry, Ed. Well done for not saying plopadoms or head. Apologies. I think there will be any more that I have to do. I don't think so. That's a shame. I think we've got enough time off now before our next one that I should be able to start screaming again.

Yeah. But it's nice that we've done about five. Yeah, probably five. Where you've said popadoms or bread. Yeah. Well, the first two, you gave me a lot of leeway because you were like, you told the guest ed's going to do this now.

I normally do this. So it was a bit more. But these three were like my proper go at it. I actually think the first time the guest did it for themselves. Oh yeah. But it's about five episodes. So, and they're going to go out at different times.

Yeah. So tell us the five. Yeah. Tweet the off-menu official. Yeah. Or Instagram, whatever you want. Yeah.

And Benito will send you a sign chopping board if you're one of the first. And you got to be quick. Yeah. 50 people. And same with James's trousers. All the episodes where James I've got breakfast wrap on his trousers. Yes.

That's three episodes where I've got breakfast wrap, poured down the left leg and a little bit on my right leg of my trousers. So you've got to watch the YouTube. Only the first 150 people who get that right, get a chopping board. Only the first 150. So you'll be quick. But like, you'll be, and it's very tricky that one.

Yeah. Because Ed is wearing a different top for each episode because he's changing it up. But same trousers and socks. So you, and trainers. Yes. So we're going to figure it out. I've got the same outfit on.

Yeah. And the breakfast wrapers down my leg. I don't know why I change outfit for multiple records in a day when you don't. Because there's no point. So I sort of do it to be like maybe we can pretend this is a different day. Yes. But you're in the same thing. Yeah.

It means you look nice in every single one. But you look nice in every single one. I'm not a breakfast wrap all down me. Yeah, but they don't really film. It's sort of waste up. So I think you're sort of fine on the trousers. And that jumper is a real peach. Nice jumper.

It's a really nice jumper. Yeah. So I think you're going to look nice in all of them, and I'm going to look like a... But you're like three different types of nice. That's great. I look desperate. Also, I've got a cold for all of them today.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I may have a different top on, but there's probably a big fucking bit of snot hanging out of the nose. Probably while you're getting told off your car. Yeah, getting told off of my car. I look like a bog body. Because did not say Mo beans. Yeah.

He did not say, you didn't even say beans. No, so... completely, if anything, we should give us another episode. Yeah. As a result. He's getting another episode. Yeah. There's so much more to say.

It only took us, what, seven years to set this one up? Yeah, and literally, you know, some guests, took a long time to get them, like, at a point where they were promoting something and we could do it. We have consistently tried to put this man on our podcast. And it just hasn't worked out. So this is like, he was meant to be one of the first ten guests. Yeah, probably. Yeah.

But finally we've done it. We did it, everyone. We did it. We all feel very proud of ourselves. Ed's touring America next year. Yes. Watch Gus Kahn's custom cars on Quest. I mean, I wish you and Benito are a speedy recovery.

You're both very poorly. You're touring America next year. I'm touring America. January De Febb, Ed and I are ships in the night. No, I think we might be in Vancouver at the same time. It might even be one day where we're both in Vancouver. Yeah. And we get to see each other.

Yeah. That'll be nice. Pretty cool. And when we do it, if that happens, Ed, I'm going to take you to rain or shine, and we're going to get blueberry balsamic ice cream. That ice cream is one of the top five maybe in the world. Yeah.

It's so good. Okay, bye, everyone. Okay, bye, sorry, we forgot you were there.