Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Harry Enfield

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

It’s the final episode of series 15, and what better way to round off the series than with British comedy royalty, Harry Enfield. That's right, it's another National Treasure.Harry is on tour with ���Harry Enfield and No Chums’. For dates and tickets go to www.fane.co.uk/harry-enfieldWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 4 June.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the kick-out of conversation, sliding the nail of humour along the foil of friendship and snapping off a little baton of chocolate wafer podcast. That is a gamble. My name is James Haycastle. Together, we own a dream restaurant in every single week. We invite a guest starst and their favourite ever start, a mainclose, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Harry Enfield. Harry Enfield, National Trade. National TREJ Territory.

National Tresch. Absolutely. We grew up watching Harry Enfield. Big time. You know, if we were allowed. Fantastic. So many comedy characters that are iconic. I had a video of Harry Enfield and Chums.

Yeah. That was huge for me. Yeah, massive. Absolutely massive. So excited to have Harry in the studio today. We've had Kathy Burke, of course, who was also in that show and work with Harry a lot. We just, we need White House. We need White House.

and then we're into the far show territory, then you've got to get all that lot in. Yeah, we've had Arabella. We've had Arabella, of course. And when I saw Arabella, like maybe a year after, bumped into her, and she said, you don't remember me. I do.

I knew who you were before me. It's like a pretty big deal, Arabella. No, no, no, you don't know who I am. But we're very excited to have Harry, and Harry is on tour doing his show. Harry Enfield and no chums. No chums. No chums.

One day that could be this podcast. Yeah. Benito. Just Benito and no chums. No, it's called Just Benito. It's called Just Benito. Yeah. And it's just, he still doesn't speak. Blank chairs.

Just completely blank chair. Does his clap before? Yeah, and that's all you hear. That's his record. Like the podcast he used to do with Harry Hill. Oh yeah. He did actually. Where it's just a noise.

He did make that. You can still find those online if you want to find the Harry Hill. It makes a noise podcast. But this is not the Harry. talk about. We're here to talk about Harry Enfield. Go to feign.com.uk for tickets. I think there's a bit of a retrospective to it. He'll be doing some characters, but we can talk to Harry more about that

when he comes into the dream restaurant. But of course we'll kick him out if he says the secret ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable. And this week, the secret ingredient is Fab Lollies. Now, if you don't remember the smashy and icy fab advert, then bad luck, because they were brilliant. They were brilliant. Harry and Paul doing their characters

smashing nice. The radio DJs. Radio DJs. Kind of based on like Tony Blackburn, people like that. Yeah. Really funny adverts. Fab lollies are delicious.

Yes. So, you know, not being kicked out because we don't like fab lollies. Because he might have picked fab lollies because he got sent so many fab lollies

that he got really into them. Yeah, maybe it was a great time and he's now like, it's my favourite dessert. It'd be a shame to kick out a comedy hero, James. Especially for a lolly

that's very nice that we've done. chosen because of adverts that we thought were funny. Yeah. But there you go. That's the, we've made our bed.

This is the final episode of series 15, everyone. Oh, rest in peace, series 15. I'm on tour next year, uh, 2027. Fresh hell is the name of the show.

Ed Gamble. com at UK for tickets. Tickets are on sale now. It's a funny show, man. So funny. Snap them up. Snap them up. Like a crocodile.

Sorry, but, that wasn't your clap. That was me doing a crocodile. I know you thought that was your clap. We would never take that away from you. No.

This is the off-menu menu menu of Harry Enfield. Welcome, Harry, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you very much, James. Welcome Harry Enfield to the Dream Restaurant. We've been especially for some time. Thank you very much, James. I've been expecting to come here for some time. It's been a long time asking.

Well, we're very excited to have you. We're delighted to have you here, Harry. Thank you for having me. We've said beforehand that my partner this morning was like, Harry Enfield's so cool. Yeah, she's never met me. I was very excited about it. You were the cool, when we were at school, not to make you feel old,

but like you were the cool comedian. Yeah, well, you are very young compared to me. I looked it up and my career is as long as your lives. Really? Wow. Yeah, I started a spitting image in January, I think on about January the 12th, 1985, I started to invite a spitzing. Wow.

So you were three days old. You were three days old. He knows my birthday. Yeah. You're right, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know everything about two friends. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. I had to get my dad to, my parents wouldn't let me watch your show. No, too rude. Too rude. But all the kids in my school were quoting it nonstop. And I was saying to them, you know, I never really usually did this, but I had to say to them, listen, this is making my life difficult at school. I have to be abreast of this. It's like everyone's speaking a different language and I can't keep up with it.

You need to help me out, like meet me halfway here. So they... As a kid, so you used the phrase, Meet Me Halfway. Meet Me Halfway. So my dad would watch it the night before and record it on the VHS and then the next day would show me

the sketches he had deemed I was allowed to watch. And that would give me enough of the lingo in school to get by in the day. Oh, well, that's good. Although I think it would have been more character-forming for you to not be allowed to watch it at all. Yeah, you have to just be completely screwed up at school. Yeah.

Also, surely the ones at school that people were talking about the most, would be the ruder ones, right? Yeah, because that was most exciting. So I'm there going, like, just quoting Mr. Dead. But they're like, yeah, but... I'd forgotten about Mr. Dead. That was Dave Cummings. Yeah, yeah. Do you know Delimitri?

No. The band. Yeah. Oh, yes, okay. Yeah, he was a bass player in that, and Lloyd Coles. Sorry, guitarist and Lloyd Colley. And he said, how about doing Mr. Dead? He never really took off, but we loved it.

I would say that it might have been, like, a clean, sketch, but I would say it was the most disturbing sketch on that series. Yes. Yeah. He lived in a box. He looked like a horse. He's dead, of course. Something. It was Mr. Ed. Yeah, yeah.

In the 50s. What was just in a court? Yeah, because I loved Mr. dead as well, but I don't think I had any sense of what it was based on. So for me, it was just the most surreal, brilliant thing in the world. It was just a dead guy in a stable. Yeah. A guy

punches him in one of the sketches. He doesn't like the fact that Mr. Dead's staring at him. So he wants to punch him. And Mr. Dead goes, okay, but you'll regret it. And then the guy punches him and obviously just goes like, I think pretty much into his chest. And he goes, I told you I'd punch it. And he goes, and I told you, you'd regret it.

Your dad like, yep, that was fun. Yeah, he can watch that one. I don't remember that at all. It was great. I think you made that up afterwards. I wish we had done it in school. I remember there was one he's in the back of the car in his coffin. You know, it's a lovely old conversable, sort of Chevy or something,

and we're in the front and a policeman. Morning, Bob. Morning, Mr. Dead. It's good stuff. There was a whole school assembly where one of the classes, it would take it in turns to do the school assembly each week. And one class, they just did the whole assembly, was sketches from Harry Enfield.

But, like, you know, they're twisting. And we have to pay for that through our taxes for education. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, that's terrible. My kids weren't allowed to watch it just to let you know. Right. I mean, obviously, it stopped going out by the time. They were born in 97 onwards.

And I didn't even tell them what I did. You know, I'd just go to work. I was dad, come back and stop doing interviews, anything like that. I didn't want them cursed with that kind of thing. And when they're about, I guess actually was about six or something, he'd learned to read and stuff. And he's going, Dad, what's this? And it's a video.

and it had my name on the top and I had Kevin on the front I said oh that's what I do can we watch it yeah okay I couldn't really think so they put it on in the living room right

and him and his little sisters and they're staring at their dad being all these characters they're really shocked yeah of course I'm quite upset and they're like this going

so then the doorbell goes right so I answer the door living room's there doors there police, right? They say, have you got a grey bike? I said, yeah.

They said, I think it's just been Nick. One of the neighbours just said it'd been Nicked. I said, oh, God, oh yeah, it has been Nick. You better come in. So they came in. They start talking about the bike, and you could see they could hear it was my programme. And then you could see them sort of look like that,

and they could see these three really unhappy children, like, staring at me, staring at the telly, in complete shot. And, you know, all I wanted to say was, look, they've never seen it before. But they quite clearly thought that's what I did every night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit down, watch me. Watch dad do his work.

Yeah. It's really embarrassing. Get the bike back? No, no, no. So there's the worst. You've ever got a bike back from the police. Hello, it's the police. We found your bike. What?

That'd be the least believable sketch. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Of course, these days, you have, um, You have no chums, Harry. Yeah, I've got no chums. Good link. I'm on tour with no chums.

Harry Enfield and no chums on tour. Yes. How's that been so far? Really fun. Yeah, especially having no chums. The last tour I did was with Paul Whitehouse, 10 years ago. I think we did a gig together. And Catherine Shepard.

Oh, my God, Catherine Shepard, lovely Catherine. And we all went on tour the three of us, and it was really good fun. But this time they wouldn't come. none of my friends would come with me. Maybe they weren't in point. How's that been then? Having no chums, is it been fun or has it been a challenge?

Great fun. It's like, I call it my mini oasis tour really, because it's kind of, there's a lot of love in the room. And it's all ancient people, you know, your dad. Yeah, yeah. Not that your dad liked my stuff. He would watch it and show me that. He'll probably go to your tour and then tell me the bits I'm allowed to know about.

Yeah. Yeah. Actually, there wouldn't be much. you're allowed to say swear words a bit. Oh, no. So is it, it's a mix of doing the characters and then also like a sort of retrospective? Yeah, it's sort of like looking back

and how I met people, but mainly sketches. Yeah, which characters? That's what people want. Yeah, which characters have you put in that you think people want to see these? Well, loads of money. Yeah. Who I think is still relevant.

You know, the richer than ever, the people are poorer than ever. Fucking brilliant. You know, he loves that. and uh bugger all money a little bit of the slops you know i have to do kathy as well i do paul a bit but i don't have to pay them yeah that's good and uh you know all uh and i write up to harry and paul and things like that that we did and you're doing kevin yeah yeah you're doing kevin yeah it's quite difficult i'm 65 now yeah yeah so yeah so yeah i'd just like to say that's very

very clever of me to say 65 because I'm actually 64. But when this goes out, I'll be 64. Wow. That's very clever. Isn't that cool? I just literally thought of it. This is what happens when you're in sort of the media and broadcasting for this long. You think about all these

things. Yeah, I'm 65 now. Yeah, yeah. We didn't even notice. Your partner will think that's really cool. She won't think that's cool because otherwise she would have heard you save 64 and gone, hold on, Google it. Lyer. He's not cool. He's not cool to me anymore. Why do they always do that?

Why do these actors always lie about their head? That is crazy. He's not cool anymore. He's done it by one year. Never interview him again, ever. I loved Kevin so much, but then my mom also loved Kevin. But she really weaponized Kevin against me when I became a teenager. That did happen.

It was just for anything. I couldn't get away with anything because he would like, oh, hello, Kevin the teenager. Come on, Mum. Don't use something I love against me. Yeah. I used to feel so sorry for teenagers because their parents are. come up. It's like, we call him Kevin.

And he'd be there like, oh, God, I hate him. Benito, when he was 12, he was, on the night that he was going to, like, you know, before his 13th birthday, he had planned to do the whole Kevin thing. He planned to do it that he was going to turn into a teenager and done all that. And then he forgot. Yeah. So that's it. So he's not ever been a teenager.

That's why he still comes across like a little boy. Yeah. Oh, bless you. Sweet little boy. I love him. I love him. We'll start with still with sparkling water, Harry. Do you have a preference?

Yes. Well, I'd like, I'd like fizzy water. Yes. Yeah? Fizzy water. Yeah. Who was it? It's like, I grew up.

You see, I was born in 1961. Yeah. We have fizzy water as a special treat, right? And then sometime in about the 80s said, Let's call fizzy water sparkling. And suddenly it became sparkling water. Yeah. Yeah, everywhere is sparkling.

So you're making a distinction between fizzy and sparkling? Yeah. I'm saying fizzy water is what we used to. Sparkling is everywhere now. Oh, God. This is so cool. And when they ask me in a restaurant, if it's a male waiter, I always say sparkling like your eyes.

Oh, that's nice. Do they like that? Yeah. The other day when someone took it seriously. actually. Yeah. But I got very, very good, good service from him. Yes.

Yeah. That's nice. Instantly charming your way into a lovely meal. Yeah. You've given them a compliment up to him. Yeah, because my chips didn't arrive on time. And I go, excuse me, my chips haven't arrived. And he was like so attentive.

Because you said he had sparkling eyes. Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's good. I'm going to try that. They were sparkling. They were a bit lopsided, you know. Yeah.

One was going one way and one the other way, but they sparkled. Yeah. Well, that's what the bubbles in the water do, I suppose. They go all over the place. So, yeah. They go all over the shop, don't I? I go right all over the shop. But I do like, you know, you go out a sense of occasion, isn't it?

Yeah. A little bit of fizzy water. So you used to have it as a treat when it was fizzy water. Yeah. And then some people, my rich friends, as I call them. No, people who were like better off than us had a water maker. And that was like the pinnacle. Yeah.

Yeah. You could go on and get some of that. You could make your own sparkling water. and it didn't cost you sixpence in the old money. You'd like going over to their houses and using the soda stream? Yeah, and you put a little bit of slime in it and then it becomes something else. Yeah. You have a glove for slime on its own? Straight.

I have tried it, yeah. So sweet. I know you would have. Delicious. Yeah. That's why my teeth is so. All that slime I drunk when I was young. It is amazing when you're a kid how much better other people's houses are.

Yes. You never think about how good your own house. houses. Yeah, did you have that then? Oh, God, all the time. Like, my friends, I'd go over and, like, the snack drawer at my friend Henry DeFries's house. Wow, we.

Oh, Henry DeFreis. DeFrease. Henry DeFrease. Yeah. It's marvelous. You only like to have a look. I'm Henry DeFries. Come and have a look at my snack drawer.

The snack. Honestly, you would not believe this snap drawer. Really? It was like, I don't know if you've seen the film The Whale. It was as good as that guy's snack drawer. Oh, my God. Well, I can tell you, my best friend, the school, Joe. Full no.

He was American. Oh, that's exotic. And he was the first American anyone had ever met in this country. We're talking, you know, 1968. Yeah. So he arrived with an accident. Well, he was more like that, obviously. It was like seven, eight.

And but because they were American, they did all these amazing things. I mean, it was literally like from going the other side of the Iron Curtain to, like the West or something. You'd go into the house. A, it was warm. Because they used their central heating. Whereas our parents all, turn it off.

It's already above freezing, turn it off. It's there to admire a radiator. Sure. They had a warm house, and they had a whole room, a larger room, as big as this studio. Wow. And there were these parts of sweets. Like bounties and marathons, snickers and mask bars and things. Of course, fat Harry going.

Have you seen now? Harry, Harry, where are you? Just gobbling up all the sweets. You can have as many as you like. Yeah. It was in my house, we're allowed two a day. Yeah. Two a day is pretty good, though, I think.

Little ones. Oh, yeah. That's not really. Yeah, that's my house. Two biscuits when you get home. Two biscuits. Two biscuits. But then, you know, if my parents were back a bit later than us,

we went for it. Yeah. Absolutely. And we've convinced ourselves, as long as we leave, like, one biscuit in the bell, they won't notice. Yeah. No.

Absolutely. Yeah, that was like mum's purse. Oh, yeah. I thought as long as I leave 10 peeing. Yeah, yeah. You're rubbing your mum? Yeah. You need the money, don't you?

Yeah. I was desperate. I love the sound of Joe. Yeah, he's great, Joe. He's still a friend. In fact, I'm seeing him this weekend. Really? Sorry, I saw him four months ago.

Pop-n-Obs or bread. Pop-at-O-Bred. Bread, please. Bread. Forcatcher. Oh, love you. Beautiful. I like a bit for catcher.

Well, if that's there, because I try and go, obviously, I'm not as thin as I once was. I'm a fackent. What? A fackent. My dad wouldn't let me hear that word. It's an old English word. Yeah. So you can say it, because it's probably in Chaucer or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chaucon. I try and not have bread. Yeah. But if it's for catcher, I've got to have it. Yeah. I've got to have it. you know, with oil and salt and pepper and all that.

Facca. Facancha. I'm trying to... Facancha. Yeah. Facancha is for Facanth. Yes, that's good. Faccia, for a faccanter.

Yeah. As Chilsa said. Um, when, so... Sorry. From what you've said about, like, growing up, I'm guessing you weren't always a forcatcher guy. So when did you discover Faccacaca. I think when I was about 22.

Yeah. And I went to Italy. and they had this bread of, oh, look at that. You know, because you're naturally conservative, aren't you? I don't like to look at that, and then went in my mouth, and that was it. Heaven. It's like the first time you have chocolate, isn't it? I remember Dawn French telling me about her daughter, who's, like, sitting there,

and she gave her this thing. You know, she couldn't even speak yet, but she was obviously looking at it, think, well, is this a poo? Yeah, yeah, a bit of brown poo. Yeah. Put it in her mouth, and her eyes just went, you know, It was the Garden of Eden. Yeah.

It was just that moment, you know, and Facacci was a bit like that. I love it. I'm imagining it was Terry's chocolate orange. Got to be if it was French. It had to be Terry's chocolate orange if it was dawn French, right? Yes. That's all they have in.

That was in her contract. You got to give this to your daughter. Yeah, chocolate orange. Yeah, go give us a same bit of this for your baby right now. Yeah, now. Tell as many people as you can, how much you loved it. She loved it. They loved how he had a chocolate orange.

They used to make that. When I was at university, they made that around the corner. Did they? Yeah, I was at university in York, and the Terry's factory was there, and the Round Trees factory. Oh, wow. Which one smelled nicer? Yeah, did you get the smells drifting over? Do you know what?

There was a, the smells were terrible because it, I don't know how they make gelatin, but they used to say it was like calves hooves. Yeah, I shouldn't it? I think there is a bit of truth. It smells a bit of that. It's mouth. There were also breweries, so it smelled of that. Oh, dear. The hops.

It's fine. Yeah. The hop smell is not good. The first time I went to Edinburgh and you can. just smell the hops drifting over. I learnt to love that smell, but it's pretty disgusting. Is that where you were? No, no, no, but just doing the festival, like going up every year.

I was at university in Durham, and I don't think we had any factories. No factories. Nearby, just a prison. So you just get prison smell? Yes. Have you been to prison? Never been to, never? Have I ever been to prison?

Not yet. No, not yet. Sorry, not yet. And we don't know, because this is four months time. I'd be in prison now. Well, exactly. And, you know, these days, one's past comes back to. to haunt one a bit, doesn't it?

Yes, all my murders. So you've done some stuff that you got away with, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, watch out for my murders. People could go down your Twitter timeline and find that tweet you did. Yeah, I've killed again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just another murder, loving it. Come and see my show this weekend.

Cross face emoji. But yeah, I used to live pretty near Durham, prison, near a prison in Durham. Yeah, so sort of lived down the road from Rose West for a bit. Really? That's nice, isn't it? Yeah, she's one of my neighbours. Wow. Gosh, but you never got to meet her.

Never went there. No, no, no. And she was a homebody. She was. Well, I'll just tell you something if I'm going to give a plug. Not only to my tour, I'm going on tour now all around the country, please. But also, if you want to smell hops in Edinburgh, there are no better hops to smell than coming from Barney's Brewery.

Barney's Beer is one of the best beers you could possibly have in the world, especially his volcanic IPA. Well, that's my favourite. But he does loads. It's my brother-in-law. Oh, great. But I'm being truthful about this. And when Paul and I went on tour,

there was a beer snob. And, you know, part of the crew, he was a proper, he knew all his beers and all that. So have you ever had Barney's beer? He said, no. So I got him to someone here. Oh, my God, this is amazing. Yeah.

So every week, Barnie'd send down another crate, beer for the tour. Oh, nice. With the beer snob, Barney's beer, was it like Dawn French giving her? Yes. Daughter the chocolate. It was. Yeah.

His little eyes. Like that. This is amazing. So, anyway, that's my... Barney's beer. Yeah, nice. Shout out. Let's start your menu proper now.

Okay. Your dream starter, Harry. You finished your water. Yeah, you plugged that down. You had your catcher. You've been dipping it in the oil. Yes. A little bit of salt.

Oh, a little bit of salt on there, of course. Oysters, please. Oysters. It's been a while since we've had a shout out for oysters. Yeah, really. It's always good. I love oysters. Yeah.

And me and my friends, Paul and Dan, sometimes we just, should we have dinner? I don't feel like it's like. I thought we go to the oyster bar. Oh yeah. Okay, right. We go there, oysters and chips.

Quite often we just have that. You know, that's nice. That's it. Yeah, but the chips is good. There's something about an oyster slugging down your throat. I just love. Some people find that awful as an idea, right? Yeah.

But I think one of the same thing. Once you've had it, once you get over that initial thing of the texture, it's beautiful. Well, my kids used to hate oysters. You know, exactly that. Yeah. But once they finally tried them, now they have them all. Yeah. You know, so I go, because there's a place in Cornwall.

It's a place down the road where they, there's an oyster farm, basically. If you walk around the coast, there's an oyster farm. So I go to the farmer and buy 12 oysters for sort of eight quick. You're buying them from source. Yeah. Wow, that's cool. And then you take them back. Shuck him. I love

I love shak him. Got a great image now of the first time your kids tried oysters and you've sat them down they've got the oysters and then knock on the door. Answer it. Policeman.

Your car's been nicked. Oh yeah, come on in. Yeah, come on it. Or you'll give kids who eating oysters looking absolutely gutted. Watching your show. Hating it. You're going to love both of these things.

Yes, you will. Now watch me, laugh and eat oysters. So you're home shucking? Yeah. You're a home shucker. Are you good at that? I mean, it's quite, I've done it.

I've tried it. It's a tricky old thing. Yeah. But my youngest daughter now is brilliant at it. Oh, well, there you go. She works in a fish restaurant, you see. Oh, nice. Bam, bam, bam.

She's opened them like that. Crabs, or she said, any shellfish. Yeah. You know, lobsters, everything. Foof. That must be good having, like, one of your children works in a restaurant. It's very useful. I mean, I don't live with her anymore.

She's 23. But, you know, when we get oysters down in Cornwall, it's like, oh, just best. Slug down your throat, aren't they? Yeah. A little bit of tobasco and just the seawater slugging. So you're just really the most pure thing, basically, isn't it? Because it's like, well, they don't do anything.

You know, you have a steak, they've got to get the cow, they've got to go, look that way, bam. They've got to do all this stuff to it. And they say look that way. And then it ends up at Tesco's or whatever. with an oyster, there it is, open it up. You don't have to distract an oyster. No one's ever had to distract an oyster.

I'm not sure they're fairly distracting the cows, to be honest. I'm not sure they're bothering. I'm not sure Grandin sorted it all out. Who? Temple Grandin. It was mad with the cows for ages, trying to like, you know, kill the cows. It was chaotic and not very nice, distressing for the cattle.

Yeah. And Temple Grandin come up with a machine that kind of like hugs them. generally feels quite nice for them and keeps them very still and calm and then they can bolt them in their head and kill them. How do you know that? Yeah, this is... Who is Temple Grandin?

Temple Grandin was, I think she grew up on a farm. Yeah. And a film, Claire Dane's played her in a... Oh, I like her. A film. Yeah. And she was basically able to just...

She liked the feeling of being... Like, because now these... Huddled. Yeah, so there's like a Temple Grandin like squeeze machine. that people like to use as well. And then you get a bolt in the head. Yeah, they're there, they feel nice,

and then they bolt them in their head. Is it like when you have your foot measured at Clarks? Yes. And they bolt you. That kind of nice feeling. That nice feeling of the foot, yeah. You know what? When we have assisted dying,

I would like that, the Temple Grandin assisted dying. Yeah, yeah. It's lovely cuddle from this. Yeah, it could be great, big sort of rubbery hands, you know. You want big rubber, that would relax you with it. You would like a big rubbery hands. That's nice.

And then go. Yeah. That's it. Mr. Dead. Mr. Dead. Yeah. Mr.

Dead. How many do you want? Well, it depends how hungry. I want six, please. Six. Rock oysters, you said. Yeah, I have a couple of rock hoisters, a couple of Linders Van. You know, I don't know.

You choose the others. I don't care. Do you know, in, I once went to the forum in Rome with my son. And, you know, we learned all this stuff and did all this stuff. And in the Roman days, they had viaducts going the whole way from France all the way down to Rome, right, with Colchester oysters in them. Wow. Yeah, so they come across the sea, plonk them in there. It was like, you know, it was like Amazon viaduct, a vush, the whole way to the forum in Rome.

Oh, wow. So you could have them the next day. That's amazing. That is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bring it back.

Yeah, well, that was it. And then, of course, that was the end of civilization very soon after that. Yeah. The Roman civilization, so, you know. And now we got Amazon. Looking good, is it? I wouldn't be ordering oysters on Amazon, though, would you? No.

I don't trust that. I don't, I don't use Amazon. No. Especially not for raw food. Well, he's a friend of Donald Trump and me now. He is. I'm not having it. He's insane.

He's like her in my car. Oh, I just don't like these people. No. Sorry about that. Oh, well. It's all right. I think you're on safe turf. So you're having six oysters.

Yes, please. Are you swallowing or is it one bite then down? Oh, no, I go crunch, crunch. Like that. And you always put your eyes back? Yeah, I do. So if someone's talking... When I go out with Dan and pull to eat oysters,

so we're telling a story and then... Oh, God, that was good. Glung. Yeah. And then lots of white wine. Yes. Oh, yeah, white wine would be. oysters. Do we talk about wine?

Well, we normally do drink later on, but if you want to pair something specific, no, okay. No. Talk about it later. I'm still on the fizzy water then. Yeah, I don't care. I'd sooner have fizzy water and oysters in a glass of wine. Okay.

I've had six of them. They've slugged down my clothes. Slug straight down, yeah, yeah. Like a slug. Have you ever eaten a slug? No, I can't say, but if someone told me that, like with oysters, that they're a delicacy, I probably would eat slug. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think I would. I had a friend whose daughter, she was just really so pretty little girl of about two. And she was like toddling around. And it was in France one summer, I never forget. But she did like a slug and a snail. And then she'd come in this pretty little face.

She'd go like that and you see this black thing. And she had a terrible stomach upset every day. It was one day she came and you thought, oh, great, she hasn't got an ice. And then you saw these little legs. I'm sorry it was a spider shit down. A really big one. Yeah. Oh my God.

A little bear grills. Yeah. Yes. Well, yeah, I don't believe that. I've seen that thing. He did with a fish like that, Pollux. Yeah. So I just don't believe it.

Yeah. What element of burgers? But the great thing he's done is he's baptized Russell Bragg. Yeah. Yeah, that's a bit. That's a bit Dave Nice, that is. I got in trouble for something. Yep.

A little mucking around with someone. Then I discovered Jesus. Yeah. Is that exactly like that? Did you? Yeah. Who's that other bloke he did? It was in the Thames as well.

I bet he came out looking like that little girl with a lot of like cockles in his mouth. Actually, it's the Tens. It's probably Tards. Yeah. Probably Tards. Like a turds in his mouth. Do you like sitting in the Thames?

If Russell Brand's getting baptized, you know, I do? Yeah. Dropping a few nuggets in them. We were on Hammersmith Bridge with her asses hung over the edge. Your dream make course, Harry? Yes, I've rather got off it now.

What I would like, I think, is cock-o-vain. Yeah. Right? But different kind of cock. I mean, pig's cock. Yeah, yeah. Penis. Yeah.

Big penis. Pines. Yes. The corkscrew one. Yeah. The corkscrew penis. Yes. I like pig's cock.

And I'll tell you why. Because I once did this programme. It's terrible, sorry. I'll try and keep it quick. No, no, no, no. I haven't thought about it. I think you're really going to have to explain this one, Harry. So basically, there's, there used to be,

this is about 20 years ago, a group of four of us mates, used to go out to a posh restaurant every month. Yeah. And one would pay each time. So it's my turn, your turn. Yeah. It's, um, Ed's, not Ed, um, Benardo's.

Benito's turn. The great Bernardo today. Oh, it's my turn, right? Bonardo. So we go to these swanky restaurants. And, of course, everyone wants to, you know, be nice, generous. So they're always really nice restaurants. Yeah.

Cost of fortune. So I'd arranged to go somewhere. And then the phone went. And it was someone saying, do you want to come on this? Could you, you couldn't possibly tonight come on a Gordon Ramsey show, set in a restaurant. I don't know what it was. I go, right, as Jonathan Ross pulled out or something, said, exactly.

Yeah. And I went, okay. And they said, well, give you. you five grand. Didn't tell my mates. Yeah. I said, well, what do I have to do? You said, you just have to have a meal.

They're going to cook a meal for you in this Ramsey restaurant, right? And then Gordon will come and have a chat for you for 10 minutes, but meal and wine is free. So I rang everyone up and said, I've managed to wangle a deal on this show. So rather than paying, I was getting five grand. Still never told them. Shit. And, yeah, so we go along. We have a lovely meal.

all the four of us, you know, jabber, jabber. And after a bit, and oh, yeah, the guy who did it, you know, I had to speak to research, a bloat. He said, what's your favorite food? I said Japanese, which it was at the time. You know, I vary these things. And, okay, that was that. So Gordon came over at some point, a little chat to camera.

He said, now you like Japanese food. Yeah, okay, well, we're going to blindfold you and give you some Japanese food. He gave me something that was disgusting. And it turned out it was like this green. sick and it was from a fish that they they feed it with grain or something and then they leave it to rot for about a month and then they eat what's in its guts really really not very very nice the second thing he gave me it was like the and of course there all these other people in the restaurant the tele restaurant and i have a bite and they're all going

because they put up on the screen what it is and this is delicious It's like a sausage. Absolutely delicious. And then they took the blind pole off and said, you know, Gordon said, guess what that is, his pig's cock. You know,

and of course, being on telly, you go, ugh, oh no. Yeah, you know, and,

but, yeah, it was nice. But I, because I'd gone, oh, no, you know, for telly.

Yeah. And then as soon as he'd gone, Danny, my mate, or I think it was still talking, Danny said, Can I have it? And he ate the lot.

By the time we'd finished talking, Danny'd eaten all the thing. And I regret it. Yeah. I regret I didn't eat the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. So you would like pigs cocko van for your dream meal?

Yeah. Yeah. I think so. The only celebrity is constantly trying to get on. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of it. Just for the food. Always.

Get me. Yeah. They won't have me. Yeah. Yeah. They just won't have me. People say, oh, you get 100 grand or something. I ring up their stuff.

So we want to give you two P. Yeah, yeah. Not two new pants, as we call it. Take your mates with you and don't tell them you're getting $100,000. They'll be so grateful. That's a good idea. We're having dinner on Australia tonight, lads. Yeah, we're having slugs and snails, puppy dog's tails.

It's a pig-de-cocca van. That's great. Is that an out? Is that anyone ever chosen human? No. Not yet. Not yet. I'm sure it's going to happen one day.

Just people, do you think there's people who are just curious about eating human? I just love the idea that actually. Actually, it's delicious and nicer than pork because I love pork. Yeah. You know, I really love pork. I think it's fastly undubrated. Yeah. Because it's so cheap when you go to the butcher, it's really cheap.

You wouldn't know that because you're all millionaires. Yeah. I know it's cheap. You know, so yeah, I probably have in a little white, or a little juice, they call it, don't it. Yeah, a ju. So you have the penis there and there's a little Jew coming out of the end. Coming out of the end.

Just to remind you what it is. Tastefully. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they decorate it. Because it's round like that, and then you have it coming from the end of it, justing around the plate like that, a nice sort of. So nice. Yeah.

Yeah. Just. That's very nice. Thank you. Can I, can I, I forgot, there's another course I'd like before. Oh, okay. Before, before the main. Before the cock, yeah.

Okay. It's right. Well, what is it? A cock about. Well, it's truffle pasta. It's my favorite thing in the world. Lovely. Oh, yeah, you can have a pasta course.

We've got people to have pasta course. I do like truffles. I think it's been overdone in the sort of fake truffle world, the synthetic truffle oil. Yes, yes, yeah. I think it can be a bit overdone. But real truffles, very nice. A lovely treat.

A lot of trouble. Yeah. You see, Giorgio Locatelli is cooked. Mm-hmm. A friend. Him and there's truffles. I mean, he once cooked for Abramovich. Yeah, he was out in Sicily, Giorgio.

And, like, he used to come to his restaurant, Locatelli. Yeah. A Braavovich occasionally. And suddenly he gets called his in Ciccissi, say, you know, Braavich would like you to come and cook on his boat, show his people how to cook. Yeah. So, Giorgio gets taken out to this boat, how to cook truffles,

and shows him, shows them how to make truffle pasta like he does. And then, as hell, Roman would like to come and say thanks. So he goes up on deck to have a full. bag and there's like two helicopter pads, one one name, one the other, right, right, this boat. And he comes up and, oh, thank you very much, you know, Roman comes up, blah, blah, blah, blah. She was like, can I ask you something, why two helicopter pads? He goes, people have luggage, in it?

Well. See? How many helicopter packs have you got it? None. I'm on zero at the moment. I've got to say, yeah, and I'll just take my luggage with me a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah, I don't need a separate.

I do the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go by moped. Yeah. You do go by moped? I did. I came here today on my moped. On your moped?

But truffle pasta, sorry. It's just, beautiful. Do you like truffles? I do. I mean, like head. Yeah. Like, yeah, before I did this podcast, I'd never had truffles in my life. Really?

And then started having these fancy meals. Oh, this truffel is incredible. Now I'm at the point where I'm like, I hope it's not more truffle. Oh, really? But like, but I went to a restaurant the other day called Perilla, which I think I've...

Great restaurant. I've been speaking up quite a lot as in Stoke, Newington, had an incredible meal. It was very, very enthusiastic. But like, the dessert, I just looked at it, it said sticky toffee pudding.

I was quite excited about that. It turned out it was black truffle sticky toffee pudding with black travel ice cream. And I was like, oh, I'm not sure about that, actually. It was incredible. Was it? It was incredible, Harry.

So when you say to me at this point in my life, do I like truffle, I'm back on board. Yeah, good. Yeah, as long as it's sticky toffee pudding. As long as it's with a sticky toffee pudding in the ice cream. Because most people think it tastes of socks, don't they? Sure, my girlfriend says it smells of jizz. Yeah. Smell jizz.

That's what she says. She says it smells of jizz. And so. Well, that's quite a nice lead into the pig's cock then, isn't it? Yeah. Really. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's sort of thematic. But it's nice to know what your jizz smells of.

Yeah. It's quite a truffles. Gormay jizz. I think there's a lot of women who love truffle jure. I'm a lucky guy. Very hackney, very stoked you. Yeah. I do truffle jures.

You've really come up in the world. No, the truffle pasta is a wonderful addition. I've made it at home once. Really? Because, yeah, my wife loves truffle pasta. We'd been to that restaurant, Gloria. Do you know Gloria in Shoreditch? It's an Italian restaurant.

They do a really nice truffle pasta. And I looked up the recipe and ordered a truffle. Really? Delivery. Online. Online. Got it delivered to the house. Yeah. A lovely black truffle.

A lovely black truffle. A lovely black truffle. Ava as well. Wow. Obviously, he's never needed the truffle shaver since. I imagine you're probably knowing you, sliced your finger open on it. Yeah. I do that a lot.

Do you? Yeah. Let me have a look. Well, can you see my thumb there? There's a line there. Yes. Yeah, that is a scar from a Dauphin Wires accident. Oh, I'm sorry.

I only have very... Your hands are all right, though, aren't they? Yeah. They're all right generally, yeah. Are you happy? with your hands? I think so. I mean, there's not much I can do now, really. I've got the same hands as the king. Have you got the fingers?

Little fat sausages. Oh, yeah, little stubby fingers. Yes, like his majesty. You've seen it all. Yours look less of a medical worry, though, I would say. His look like they're about to pop off. Oh, well, that's kind of you, but I'm not quite his age. When I am, they'll probably pop off.

Have little fat stump. Your dream side dish then, Harry. Oh. Well, I do. like Horta. What's that? It's basically like greens. It's a bit like spinach or something, but it's Greek, or they do it in Greece.

And they call it hauteur, and it's delicious. You know, it's just a bit garlic and all that, so I love a bit of that. Yeah. But basically, I try to be good because I'm a fackent now. So with my penis, I'm cockavar, I should like some horta, or, you know, the usual broccoli with bits of shit on it, you know, chili. Yeah. Chilly and that stuff. Yeah.

All the greens. Yeah. I'd like a bit of that on the side or cabbage on the side, please. And then they say, would you like any chips? Yes. Yeah. I can't stop it. You love chips.

Triple, this triple fried thing. Yeah. Yeah. When did they start that? It's great, isn't it? Yeah. Can you get quadruple fried chips? I'm sure.

I'm sure you could. There's a gap in the market for that, isn't there? But then it's an arms race. Then when does it end, Harry? Yes, exactly. You know, then we're having 50 times cooked. I think it's a Heston thing, you know. Heston started.

The triple-cooked chip feels like a Heston thing. Does it? Yeah. Sorry if I'm wrong, but they like, they're parboiling, then doing once in the oil for a little bit, taking them out, letting them rest, and then frying them for a final time. I really want one now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Like a dog. I think it's very nice that you're having greens that you're like, I have to have the greens. Got to have the greens. But the chips are going to be on this menu as well. And I think, well, I'll just have two. Yeah. And then, in fact, recently I had dinner, lunch with some mates, including Trevor Eve. Do you know the very bad actor?

Not bad actor, I mean, very bad man. Yeah, yeah, I'm aware of Trevor Eve, yes. We'll get some chips. So I got some chips. He ate them all. Yeah. Except for two. So you had two chips.

Sorry, I'm eating your chips. But that's sort of what you want, though, isn't it? Because you only want to have two chips. Yes, you do. It's like girls. Like Ben used to do a root. routine, it was brilliant. Ben Elton.

Yeah. Not Benito. No. Ben Elton. That wasn't in his majority. About chips and how he'd ordered chips and his girlfriend at the time before he's man would not order chips. So, girls don't order chips.

And they say, I'll have one of yours. Yeah. I'll buy you your own fucking plates of chips. Just don't touch mine. Can't you have your own? Yeah. And I'm, but I'm not like that. I'm much nicer than Ben.

Yeah. Yes. So I obviously go, yes, please have a chip. Yeah. So the triple-cooked are your favorite way to have chips. Yeah, my most favourite is. So when you'd have the oysters with your friends? Chips, yeah.

Is that triple-cooked or is that? I imagine that's more French right. Yeah, no, no. Well, they can be. You're right. But it's this one pub we go to downstairs, oysters and proper chips. Yeah. But they don't want, you go into a chip and there's just fluffing.

You don't want that. You want a proper chip with nice case and hardly any potato. You just want all crisp and oil. I want my arteries nice and hard. You know, like cement. I'm glad someone's saying this. It's like a building, isn't it? You don't want shitty cement.

You fall down. Yeah, you want to be... It's dry. Your body's a temple. Yeah. So get that cement in there. Build it nice and strong temple. Build it nice and strongly.

Because the broad opinion on chips seems to be. The accepted opinion is crispy on the outside and really fluffy and potatoy in the middle. But I'm glad someone's saying this. I just want the crisp all the way through it. I want a bag of crisps. Well, that's why you buy, yes, exactly. But I want to pay more than for a bag of crisp.

And hot. You want to be sharing the expensive chips. Yeah, yeah. If you get a good one. Yeah, beautiful. Sorry, one thing we haven't talked about yet is music. Yes, of course. Like, in this restaurant, is there music?

Yeah. It's up to you. I mean, it's your dream restaurant. I don't want music. I don't want music. No, there isn't. I just want to say that because I'm deaf. Yeah.

I'm pretty deaf. If I go into a restaurant and there's music, I always say, could you turn it down? I'm deaf. Yeah. Which works these days. Yeah. Because it's like a disability and they go,

fuck, we better turn it down. Or we'll get into trouble, wouldn't we? Yeah, with the woke police. You think that's what they're thinking? That's what they're thinking. With the woke brigade. So we have, they have to turn.

Absolutely no way that they're thinking that. How dare they're going for God say, could you turn it down? Please have death, thank you. But I like to be able to, you know, the whole point of being in a restaurant is with your chums and you have a bit of food and you talk rubbish, don't you? Yeah.

And if I can't hear the rubbish that's coming out of their mouths, there's no point. Yeah, you want to hear the rubbish. Yeah. No music in the dream restaurant. Especially in a restaurant with lots of hard surfaces and everything's like echoing off each other and glasses. Can you start an app?

I don't know how to do this, but I want an app called Here to Eat. Yeah. H-E-A-R to eat. That's good. Yeah. And you get five stars. If there's no music, there's tablecloths.

There's like padded walls like in my cell. You know, so that I can actually hear. Yeah. And it's a real boat. Do you know Trillo? Yes. Oh, I love Trillo. I mean, it's absolutely brilliant restaurant.

But there's a new kind of the chef who started that restaurant called Borough, which is brilliant. in Covent Garden and the tables are far enough apart that you can talk without, you know, them hearing what you say. Yeah, great. So even though there's no music,

though there is a bit of music there, they need to turn it down. So that would be, what, 4.5 stars on Here To Eat, you reckon? 4.5. I think this is good, because more and more now, I'm thinking,

I hate not being able to hear what people are saying. And also, if I can't hear what people are saying in a situation, I do not have the, like, strength of character to say, could you repeat it? I just agree. You see, I do the same now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they say, it's a bit like this person. Yeah, I just go, yes. And they said, yeah, by the answer. Yeah, very good. Yeah, yeah. And then they go, what? They go, I'm leaving. You see, you're young, eh?

You two are young. You might not think you are, but you are. When you get to, my mom is 95, and she's completely deaf. So, and she's really annoying, you know, because you see. say, do you want a cup of tea? She goes, what? Yeah. Would you like a cup of tea, mum?

And I said, oh, yes, lovely. And then you get up, and the way you do, you say, I'll put the kettle on. And she goes, what? I just said, I'll put the kettle on. The what? The kettle. You know, and I'm getting there. Yeah. And it happens later. Because I swim in the Hampstead Ponce, Highgate Ponce. I've got stalactites in my ears. What? stalactites you grow them because they've got tiny little hearing aids you can get now that go in

and apparently they're very good yes everyone says you must get them they cost a fortune but they're worth having and so i went to get them fitted they said no you've got big bone stalactites have grown in your ears do you do a lot of fresh water swimming and i said well yeah they said ah that's what it is and you can have them chopped off but it's very painful and takes a long time i'd sooner not hear what you're saying. So you swim so much in Hampstead Ponds that your ears like a little cave? Yes. A little cave like that, you see.

I don't know what it is. It might be the sort of, I don't know, the rotting corpses at the bottom. Lovely. Kind of let off this stuff or something, you know. The road kill. Yeah. I don't know, but anyway, it happens. Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat?

Hmm? Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, a bottom feeder. A little bottom feeder. Yeah, exactly. So you can't have the fancy hearing aids fitted because you've got stalactites in your ears.

Yes, yeah. So that's another reason for why I want a here to eat. Yeah, Here To Eat's a great idea. It's a good idea. I think it's a good idea. I think you're going to maybe regret putting it out in the podcast because someone would still that idea. I don't mind.

You just want to use it, don't you? You don't want to... I don't mind. You know, people always say that, like, there's a couple called Kevin and Perry who go around doing gigs as Kevin and Perry. Right. And they look like Kevin and Perry.

and then post little videos of themselves and they look great. People say, what do you think of Kevin and Perry? They're making his money out of you. I'm not doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we're not doing it. So you do it. And they go out, you know, I met someone the other day, a Scottish DJ,

and he goes gigging with them in Ibiza. They go out to Ibiza. Fair enough, you know, so if someone could be here to ease, I would love it. Great, maybe the same people. What if the same people did it? Then we just start taking it personally. Yes. and Perry's here to eat.

Yeah. I mean, I draw the line, you know, if I found them in bed with my partner. Dressed as Kevin and Perry. Yeah. So, yeah, but we're Kevin and Perry, you can use, go are we? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. Hats off to you. Yeah. I draw the line. I thought the house and a lot of truffles. Yeah. Yeah, I thought, say, someone's real.

Oh, no. Sorry, Harry. Yeah. That was really fun because Harry was like, I heard you, and then jumped on board and immediately jumped back off board again. It's not echoed around the stalactites. Eventually.

Oh, you just said, my house mazzar. Your dream drink, now, you hinted at white wine earlier, and then you said, no, I've had the fizzy water with my oysters, but like, are we going to see some wine here for your dream drink? I like a nice bottle of chardonnay. I'm afraid I'm a chardonnay person. I think it's back in now, isn't it? I like a Shabli.

Yeah. You know, that's my favourite east. Chardonnay, I think. It's got a bit bite to it. It's nice and footy. Yeah. Yeah. So I like, and I find I'm more intelligent when I've had a couple of balls of that.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Two bottles, then what do you start talking about after two bottles of that? You don't want to know. But I think they're the play. Yeah, bollocks, I think, when you make the jeez. Yeah. Yeah, no, I, I, it cheers me up.

Yes. Yeah. Paul White House likes. Montres show and if I go to a restaurant see it there I think oh Montresay and then it always says

380 quid a ball or something White House is splashing the cash out of that yeah he can do that you see it the fault to do that because he goes fishing with Bob Is it the second time you've made out like you've not got any cash now no I've got no can

I don't believe that how much am I getting paid to do this I can sell you fuck You're making a fortune. They're like Kevin and Perry. We are like Kevin and Perry. If two people started doing James and Ed going around

doing off the menu, we would take them off the floor. We would sue them to hell. You could be because you've got to touch the old jeans, haven't you? Yeah, yeah. You could be Kevin and Perry. Yeah, you could be Perry. I could be Perry. Easy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got lovely, so optimistic eyes like Perry. I do, yeah, yeah. And you're with Jinj. So here you go. Put your hat. Put your hats on the other way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there you go.

Miss Patterson. Well, actually, no. He wouldn't say Miss Patterson. That's my line now. You fucking ripped my line off, no. Yeah, well, my dad wouldn't let me watch Kevin and Perry's get you, sorry. No, no, sorry.

Before you arrived, Harry, I was just talking to James about, I think, regularly about when Perry has been to Manchester. Oh, yeah. That is one of the... That was on recently because of OASC. Because of OASA said that went round and last, isn't it? See, I'm not on social.

media so people have to tell me. Yeah, it went, it went around again because of, because of that, saying all the people showing up to Oasis gigs, like they'd really know who they are and stuff. It was great. It was really good. That was sort of based on me, really, that's good. Yeah. When I was about 15 and I, you know, went to see the clash.

Got to talk to them back, you know, who I? You like, Joe Straubber? Yeah, I know. And, you know, I came back, I wanted to sort of like that and never wanted a proper job. Yeah. he don't want no boring job, no not a boring job

and it turned out I never got a boring job except for today he's got us felt good to be got though yeah it felt good

yeah it felt good played a clash song you got a favorite clash song or album first album yeah definitely yeah

because that was formative for me that's a punk right oh my god this is pretty I know every word every song

oh nice Yeah, well, not out playing in the restaurant, though, no music. I don't want any music in the restaurant. Even the clash, even the first clash album. Well, there's a... No, yeah. He's a lovely joking on a roll. He's a lovely James War.

He's a lovely guest on war. He don't want to punch up now. I don't think so, in my son. Also, you know, you have to have for you. And you're really going to. I'm really going to. Yeah. No.

You know every word. You'd not said one word yet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no. You're just square. No, I'm a square. I'm a square. I'm a square.

I'm a square. I'm not a punk. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I'm not a punk. It was great being punk. You see, when you're 15 and a virgin and angry. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. The best. And, you know, songs come out like GLC by Menace. Do you know how that goes? No, no. GLC, GLC, GLC, GLC, GLC, GLC. You're full of shit.

shit, shit, she, she, she, what's your name? What's your game? Master, bait, magistrate. I was basically GLC by menace. You're in heaven. You're in heaven when that came up. I was because, you know, before that was all,

you see you on the dark side of the moon and all this stuff. Suddenly you go, you're all for a shit, she, she, she. Great, great. We arrive at your dream dessert. Yeah, and there's no music, is there? No music.

Oh, yeah, dream dessert. So silently we bring a dessert. Are there any men's desserts? You know, this kind of... What are you talking about? I'm talking about this. Apple Charlotte, Eve's pudding. Oh, I get you.

Do you know what I mean? With a male name. Victoria sponge. Spotted Dick. Spotty Dick. Excellent. Yeah. Excellent.

Spotty Dick. I'd like spotted dick. Because you're a man. Well, I've just had Cocko Van. You just had Cocoa Van. Yeah. So perfect. Yeah.

So the truffle jizz. Yeah. And now I'd like Spotted Dick, please. Yeah. What a love spotted dick. You never, I mean, I'm going to be quite full by and because I've had travel pasta. And I've eaten all the forcatcher. They brought a big plate of it.

I thought I'd just have a little bite. I've eaten a lot. And you had the oysters, which are an aphidisiac. So there's a chance that the pig's dick's going to be bonerific. I am going to be. I'm going to be. I'll tell you, I'm going to go home. I'm going to be like that, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Look at my fat, Tom. And then Kevin and Perry walk out of the wardrobe. Yeah. We got here first I think the oysters only work as an aphrodisiac if you don't then eat for catcher, pasta, pig's dick and spotted dick. I've never found that to be the case.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to leave it at the oysters and not then carry on eating. That is the case indeed. Indeed. So I'm having spotted dick, apparently. Lovely. With some custard?

I mean, what I'd really like is rububub, crumbull. Oh, rhubarb, crumble, Malcolm. Malcolm? Well, I just got you get a men's name. Yeah. With Colin Custard. Yeah. Oh, that would be good, isn't it?

Yeah. Rubarb, crumble, Malcolm with a Colin custard. Well, this is a drink restaurant. Because in a posh restaurant, they don't just say Colin custard, do they? They say, with a colin custard, A. Yeah, it's got to be a, yeah. It's just that.

Yeah, let's put that. It does make it feel fancy, but I don't know why. Yeah, I know. You pay an extra tuesday. quay for the ah. And they come and pointed it with their little finger just to show you where everything is. There it is. You see a Colin Custod on the side.

Rubble, Malcolm. Yeah, and some James Jus. Oh, thank you. I think we can, you know, this is a dream restaurant, so I think we can bring you a rhububb, crumble, Malcolm. Yeah. Thank you. Is a particular Malcolm you're thinking of?

No. No. You know, I just like the name. Don't you? You don't see it around much anymore. There's no new Malcolm's being made up. Or Clives. Or Clives. I'm sure everything comes back round, right? When is Jane coming back? I think Jane's... Is Jane not back already? No one's being called Jane.

Really? No way. Or Susan. Or Susan. Because these are like... And they're the first names I think of if someone says, think of a lady's name. What's your mum called? Anne. Yes, you see, or Anne. Yeah.

My sister, who's called Susan, had a friend called Anne. There you go. It was the big back in the day. What's your mum called? Die. Die. You see, you don't get young Diana's, do you? You don't get young Diana's.

No, you don't. No, no, no. Yeah, die. Princess Lady, die. Yeah. That's your mum, isn't it? That's why you were a jinj. Queen of Hearts, Harry, isn't it?

The Queen of Hearts, my mum. Yeah. My son is. Yes. When he was growing up, yeah. Yeah. When he was growing up, I used to, I had a little rhyme. I can't quite remember.

It was something like, some people, some children scream, some children scream, some children, winch, but the children that no one likes a change. To your kid? To your son? And you liked that?

He enjoyed that from his dad? He just got, so, you know. Yeah, and he'd be like, oh, Kevin! But you will find, neither of you have children do. No.

You will find that, you know, man love is difficult. I mean, maybe your generation. But my dad, you know, I think about three times in his life, he sort of went like that. Yes, sure. And, you know, in these days you sort of, how do you do man love?

You know, you give them a hug because you give everyone a hug these days, aren't you? Mainly I show my love by taking the piss out of them. And they do it back to me. So I know that they're cross with me. I've done something wrong if they're not taking the piss on me. What are the piss taking things they say about you? How do they get you? Just look.

I mean, look at it. So the last time I went to a restaurant with Archie, he hadn't arrived yet. son and then my phone goes like that and it's a picture of my bald head. So he's taking it through the window. Yeah. It's nice, you know, it's nice, but that is man love to me. Yeah. In the English way, going, I love you, it's just to America.

I never do that. Yeah. Did Joe used to say that when you were kids? No. Would Joe say to his parents, I love you, mum and dad. I don't know. I said, we love you, Joe. I would do.

Help yourself to some sweet. It wasn't mom. It was Move. They call them. Move. Yes. Best snack, and best smelling,

everything, kitchen, warm house. And two tellies. Wow. Neither them were black and white. They were both colour. Joe.

And you were allowed them on. Wow. Right, rather than half an hour. You know, like your dad, you can't watch Harry Edville. Yeah.

It's 90 o'clock, you wicked boy. You know, he's awful. And I don't know why we'd pay our license for Vee. Yeah. Yes.

Go, a bed. It's exactly what your dad said, right? Yeah, it would be exactly like that. My dad was loving it. He was watched it. Yeah. He would watch it on his own. Yeah.

And then say you can watch this bit. Yeah, yeah. I love that. Yeah. That was. Yeah. And I had some style out at school. I'm sorry, if I had a video cassette of it, I'd give you one, but I don't anymore.

I think I've still got a video cassette at my mom's house, yeah. Yeah. With all the Harry and Lulu sketches on. Yeah. He loves Harry and Lulu. I love Harry and Lulu. really so violent but how old were you then well when that series came out

when was that like late 90s? yeah yeah I probably wouldn't yeah the kind of one that really took off out that was tettitubbies because we did a sketch very early on called English for aliens and we all dressed up in these big fat things but with glasses yeah

and it was like words like tree is it and the word is tree and we go Grimm. Tree. No tree. And then I think Charlie Hicks said, Tree.

And then we'd all go, three, tree, tree, tree! And people used to tell me after that, I said, my kid, my little two-year-old, my little toddler, they just love watching that. They want to watch that all the time. Yeah. Three years, they said, Tullytubbies came out.

Oh. And it's exactly. same, literally exactly the same. Same aerials on the heads. This is going to happen with Here to Eat as well. Exactly, yeah, yeah. That's it, you see, I'm a trailblazer. You are, yeah, yeah.

Having said that, that wasn't my idea, English for aliens. It was Charlie's, I think. Oh, which is why, I mean, famously Charlie Higgson gives himself the most amount of dialogue when he writes a sketch. Does he? Yeah? Well, I think that is...

So then he gives himself the word, the one word in it. That's a reaction to my show, when we did our show together, I wouldn't let him be in anything. Right, okay. She said, Charlie, your shit. So, Paul, you can do it. No, Charlie, you're shit.

You can't do it? So he's like, Paul, can we do our own show? Can I be in it? Paul's going, yeah. You know, all these characters that everyone, everyone, you know, Harry won't let us do, like,

oh, suits you, sir. Can we do them on the show? Worked out. Worked out really well. Worked out pretty well. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, every sketch that Charlie Higgson's written

it's like a monologue by him. Yes, the black, the black. And then someone else, yeah, yeah, yeah, all those things where he's like, I mean, they're really funny. But once it's pointed out to you, you go, oh yeah, everything with Charlie Higgs' sketch

is a Charlie Higgs and monologue. I love him. I loved him. What's he called Bob Fleming? Bob Fleming. Brilliant. He's throwing his throat all the time. And Ted, you know, Ted and Ralph, sorry.

I was so wrong by that, Charlie. I was so wrong. He did you. But then maybe, you know, maybe without your tough man love, he wouldn't have become what he became. Yes, yeah, he would have been still a failed, well, not failed, semi-successful pop star. Yes.

Which he was. I bought his single when it first came out. It was record of the week, his first single. Oh, wow. Do you want to sing that as well? Do you mind? Yeah. Who ha!

Bidoo ha! Oh, do do. Hello. live with monkeys. I don't know, where, leave with anybody. I don't,

wait, live with the moon. Yeah, can you remember all the words for that as well? That's amazing. It was like before it was funk meets punk.

Yeah, yeah. I love it. Right, before Trouble Funk and all that. Yeah. They were doing like little funky sort of things. Yeah. And their first record got record of the week and after that,

every record they had out was just panned. Yeah. I don't know why. They were just like, I don't know what happened there. But I actually drove them to their gigs in the early days when I was doing a double out with my friend Brian. To earn a bit of money, I was their driver. We went to Arishworth University.

Drive the van for them. Oh, wow. Yeah. And what was that first single called? What was the band called? I don't want to live with monkeys by the Higgsons. Great. If you look it up.

Get that immediately. Yeah, well, you can look it up on the Spotify and you will see it. It's there. Wow. That's excited. I didn't know that existed. Well, you don't know much. Do you?

Veecham, you're back now. Tell me what you think of it. You would like Fizzy Water. You would like Fecca with olive oil and salt. You want six oysters, including Rock and Lindisfarne, with Tabasco. You want truffle pasta. You want a pig's cockavan.

You would like hortic broccoli with chili, cabbage and triple-cooked chips on the side. Drink a bottle of shably and dessert. Crumbled Malcolm with a Colin custard. Thank you very much. Perfect. How's that sound?

That sounds good. Yeah. What about coffee or don't we do that? Oh, you can have a coffee after. What kind of coffee do you like? I like a double espresso decaf if it's the evening. Yeah. Otherwise I don't sleep.

Yeah, yeah. We can bring that over. I mean, because it's a dream restaurant. And what about, you know, Pettifors? Oh, yeah. You can have some petty force. What are your favorite types of Pettifors? I like one chocolate and one jelly.

Yeah. One jelly one. Yeah, yeah. We'll bring you one chocolate at one jelly. Of Petty Force. Would you like a petty one? I brought you something. You brought something.

This is an envelope that's been on the table. You've got to share it. Okay. Yes. Okay. There. There we go. What was it?

For Ed and James, happy 20th of March. But it's not the 20th of March, remember? No. Yeah. Sorry, do it again. Okay. At home of November. For Ed and James, happy.

of October. Thank you. So there's a petty one in here. There's a petty one in here. We're going to share this, James. Oh, look at that. Oh, wow. It's a chocolate lolly that says Harry Enfield on it.

Yes. I love this. Yes. Thank you, Harry. I played the Reading Hexicon. Yeah. And that was in my dressing room. Oh, okay.

Right, so, because initially I thought you'd been somewhere and had a chocolate message lollipop made, just simply your own name on it. Yeah. That's the kind of thing I'd do. But it was in there, and I thought, wouldn't it be nice? Because if you share it,

you can both say you've eaten Harry Enfield. Yes. Do you want the Harry or the Enfield? The cannibalism. Yeah. A bit of cannibalism. Thank you. It's got a little sexual sort of nuance to it.

Yes. Many things do. Oh, yes. So whoever your next guest is, have you ever eaten Harry Mfield? Yeah. There we go. Do you like it?

Yeah. I love it. I love that the Redding Hectagon just left you a lolly with your own name. Yes. It's sweet, isn't it? Isn't it sweet? Yeah.

It's a really nice touch. Thank you. Have you played the Redding Hexigan? Yeah, I played the Redding Hexigan a few times actually and they have never left me a chocolate lolly with my name on it. Really? Yeah. I did it once support in Milton Jones and afterwards an audience member hated my set

so much because they went to see Milton. So I was just the support act. They were annoyed their support at. So they went on my Wikipedia and they altered my Wikipedia to say that my performance at the Redding Hexagon was so abysmal that afterwards I was confronted about the poor quality of my comedy and I burst into tears.

That's what they wrote on there. Yeah. And was it true? I don't think so. I don't remember it. Oh, but you've remembered that. I remember that because it was like my dad at the time used to... Your dad at the time, you don't know. He used to monitor my Wikipedia.

Yeah. I didn't ask him to, but you would go, now James, someone's put this, just checking if it's true or not. because if it's not, I'll take it down. It's like, Dad, if it is true, I hope you would take it down. Yeah. But he's like, no, just if it's, if it's not true, I'll take it down if it's actually inaccurate. Yes.

So did you cry or not? I wonder who that was. Yeah. Yeah. Milton. Milton. Good old dad at the time. Yeah.

Lovely dad at the time. I've only met Milton Jones once, and Paul and I, we were on tour, and there was Milton Jones and one other of those young comedians. Young people. Young Milton? We're staying in the same hotel. as them in Manchester and then we're chatting away and then

you know they're over there and we just go, you're all right? You know, who were they? But I knew who Milton Jones was very funny. I went, hello. Paul and I went over there, I had a bit of a drink,

and then something's his voice goes, Harry, turn around, it's Nigel Farron. Oh my God. So, oh, Nigel, hello, what you're doing here? Well, he'd done a sketch with us, When was this?

About 15 years ago, when he was a joke, really, we did a sketch where we're trying to be more like Ricky Javees so we can be more successful. Right, okay. So it's about the time of extras. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so we're talking like that, yeah?

Ooh, and then we have an A-List celebrity come round. It's my house. He goes, A-List Celebrity, yeah? Come in, man. Harry's A-List celebrity, mate. And it's Nigel Farage. And he comes in, and, you know, You know, the joke is it's not David Bowie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's this joke figure. Well, then, of course, it all kicked off. He was a joke. Yeah, yeah. You know, and suddenly it's like, oh, my God. So there we are in this bar, you know, having a little drink. And there's nice for him.

He was very nice when he came to us. He didn't ask, you know, didn't even ask for a sandwich, anything. He just came and did it with a very professional fault of. And so, of course, I had to get him a drink. You know, I could not get me a drink. You could see Milton Jones, like, look, in the day. So I like neck my drink.

So I got to go to bed, you know, bye-bye, leave Paul there with him. Where. Just fuck off straight away. That's so funny. And then, of course, Milton Jones and his mate, they came over and sat up half the night with him. Yeah. Drinking with him, these young comedians.

I have heard that story for Milton. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I saw Milton pretty soon after that. It was like, guess what happened the other day? Harry, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant and thank you so much for our Harry Enfield lollipop.

Thank you. Do you eat? Oh, you can't. I will, I'll just, I'll induct in a second. Yeah, I'll just need to give some insulin. You've got Harry Enfi. Har Enfi is. I've got a Har Enfi. James, thank you for eating my chocolate with such a plumb.

It's straight away. Yeah. Yeah. He does that. He really does that. Ryeld. Yeah. Like a teenager.

Yeah. That's why you said another about. Young Ferry. That with Kathy, she really understood the teenager. If we had a meal scene, she'd always just eat fucking everything really quickly. This is not a time where you have a conversation. Just eat that desperation. That was like that.

I'll tell you what, the, I mean, before we go, your secret ingredient for this episode was a lolly. No. A fab lolly. A lion's made fab. A fab, of course. I did an advert with Paul. You love fay.

They're lollipop-tastic. Yeah. But they're not even called Lions Made anymore. No. They're called Rhinelow Nestle or something. Yeah, yeah. But everyone loved those adverts. You were smashing and nicely.

So I needed to say Lions Made Fab. Yeah, if you said Fab Lollie. You said Fab Lollie. But this was not on your dream menu. This was a gift for us and is not a Fablois. Just reminded me that we were going to get you with a lollie. If you said a Fab, we'd kick you out. I didn't say.

So anything was fab. No, no, no, no. Thank God for that. Said cock a lot. God, I... Thank you so much, Harry. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Well, there we are. What a delight to meet Harry Enfield, James. Brilliant stuff. Lovely menu. Lovely menu. Great guy.

Great guy. And he gave us a little petty four at the end. He did. He gave us a chocolate lolly. I left my half until after I'd had my lunch. And then James had it. Yep, I had the whole chocolate lolly. Yes.

I liked it. Yeah. It was good. Yeah. And I've got to say, Reading Hexigan, step your game up. I think I'll be there on my tour, Fresh Hell next year. Tickets on sale now at gamble. com.com.

I'd like a chocolate lolly, Redding Hexigan, but I want Harry Enfield written on mine. Yes. Didn't say fad lolly, so we didn't kick him out. No, exactly. We didn't kick him out. And I told him, I fessed up. Yeah, he fessed up. Yeah, it was already the end of the episode.

I think that's fine. Yeah, that's fine, isn't it? Make sure you go and see Harry Enfield and No Chums on tour, feign.com.com. UK, for tickets. Oh, and we got sent something. The good people at drum roll, Kerrigold. Pretty cool. This is, since Series 1, Kerry Gold has been getting shoutouts on the pod.

It's always meant a lot to us, Kerry Gold. And we're very excited genuinely that they've reached out and sent these to us. This is from Carrey Gold an all-day good. Okay. And there's stickers in here. Got some butter stickers, which I was going to be like, I don't need these,

but my partner is going through a massive sticker phase and she absolutely loves this kind of shit. James's partner is of age, by the way. Yeah, just so you know. I just think you need to be careful with phrases like, sticker phase. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That was, I was poor. Because my wife loves stickers and stuff as well. But poor word into me. Sticker phase is a little. Yeah. Saying she's going for a, phase and it's stickers.

This is a gorgeous butter knife and I can say that now I'm 40. The weight of it. It's a good weight is a beautiful marbling effect on the handle.

I love the shape of it. I mean look I know a lot of you might be thinking oh they do unboxing things now and they're doing like paid promo. We're not. We've genuinely been sent this

and we're quite excited about it and this is our genuine reaction which is that we like the weight and the shape of it and the marble effect. It's a genuine special moment in our lives now

that we've been given these. Thanks to all day goods and to Kerrigold for sending the butter knife. This is edgy. This is an edgy pod. Thanks for the butter knives. And it's quite amusing, James. It says best before, where you would normally have on a bit of butter.

It says best before breakfast, lunch and dinner. That's good. That is good stuff. Cheers. Cheers. Oh, before you go, episode 232 of Off Menu. What a good episode. Who was the guest on that episode?

It was so funny. Oh yeah, that's right. It was me, Stuart Laws. Why am I here now? It's because I have my own podcast. It's called Weak Minded with Stuart Laws and Daman Bamra. It's recently award winning. It's a weekly, funny, warm check-in.

I recommend it. Look, if you liked episode 232 and who didn't, listen to Weak-Minded with Stuart Laws and Daman Bamara. Thank you.