Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ian Smith

Episode Date: October 22, 2025

Edinburgh Comedy Award-nominated stand-up, Northern News podcaster and lead in 2010 sitcom ‘Popatron’, Ian Smith has a table booked this week. But has he thought through his starter? Ian Smith is on tour now with his new show ‘Foot Spa Half Empty’. For dates and tickets go to iansmithcomedian.co.uk Listen to Ian’s podcast ‘Northern News’ wherever you listen to podcasts Follow Ian on Instagram and TikTok @iansmithcomedy Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 23 Oct.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise. I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics so that I could show them to my parents and go, see, it was my childhood, they're fine. Hello, I'm Sarah Pascoe, and I'm on tour with my show I am a strange gloop. So I don't really, like, agree with marriage. It's too long, isn't it? Forever. I'm going all over the UK and Ireland.

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Choose from 14 flights per week between Canada and Dubai, Book on emirates.ca. Today. Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the pistachios of humor, cracking the shells of friendship, and popping them into the mouth of the internet. Just pistachos? Yep. That's a gamble. My name is James A.caster. Together we own a dream restaurant. every single week. We invite in a guest and asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this

week, the guest is Ian Smith. Ian Smith. Ian Smith, a wonderful comedian, James. So funny. One of the most naturally funny people I think I've ever met in my life. Very funny, very funny comedian, podcaster. He has a podcast called Northern News that he does with another friend of the pod, Amy Gledhill. Yeah, so imagine how funny that is. Yes. The Amy Gledhill episode, Funny as Hell. Funny as hell.

Both of them together. Yes. He's also released a special called Crushing, which you must go and watch. Amazing show. Ian Smith is on tour, of course, from November with foot spa,

half empty. For dates and tickets, go to the Ian Smithcomedion. Looking forward to talking to Ian, but if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed, he'll be thrown out of the dream restaurant. James has come up with this one,

and I think it's harsh. This week, the secret ingredient is salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. There's a reason for this, isn't there, James? Ian comes from Gull, and in Gull, they have the salt and pepper pots, these giant, I think they're like towers for something like they look like water towers or like nuclear power plant shit. But they're nicknamed the salt and pepper pots.

Yes. And he spoke about them before. He did a really funny series online about Gull and he spoke about it on stage. So I associate Ian with the salt and pepper pots. Now, I know it's harsh to say salt and pepper because it's probably in everything. So we're going to say, if Ian specifies that he wants to add some salt and pepper to something, that's when we'll kick him out. Yes. Or even if he's like saying the ingredients and says, salt and pepper, yeah.

Salt and pepper's very important that that's got to be in there. You know, and look, we haven't kicked anyone out in ages. No, and I don't think anyone's actually ever said, oh, don't forget, I'm going to put salt and pepper all over this. Yeah, that's what I thought is that I can't really remember that happening very often. So if it does happen, he deserves it. I would say if I was picking a fried egg. You would put salt and pepper on the fried egg? you would specify that?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I don't think I would specify for a fried egg. I think I'd specify pepper for certain things, like if I, you know,

you're not putting salt and pepper on a fried egg? No, I just eat it. Let's have it as it is. Maybe on a boiled egg of salt and pepper. Correct, but why not the fried? Completely different meat.

If I'm having fried eggs and bacon, I'm putting salt and pepper on the egg and I'm putting pepper on the bacon. Maybe some pepper, but not some salt. I mean, the bacon's salty enough. I want that to salt up the egg. It's not going to salt up the egg. No, you're mad.

I am mad. Mad for Ian Smith. This is the off-menu menu of Ian Smith. Welcome Ian to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, Ian, to the Dream Restaurant. It's been you for some time. Yeah, thank you very much.

I've only ever heard that before. I've never seen it. Well, I don't normally laugh during it, but I like your cheery, hello. Yeah, yeah. Some reason it made me laugh. How did it, did the way it look... I find you funny.

Did the way it look match up to how it sounds for you? Oh, well, is that going to spoil it for people if they've got an image, but his arms are out, like the angel of the north. Oh, how long did that take? How long did that take, everyone? That wasn't meant to be a... cynical, I'm Northern.

What's my only angle, really? It's happened. You want to plug your podcast, Northern News, clearly. So you've immediately brought up the engine of the north. Because that looks like that's what I've done. Well, listen, you've done it now. We're here. Tell us about Northern News, Ian.

Yeah, it's a podcast. Very much like this, sort of format-wise. Recorded in this room, to be fair. Yeah, it's recorded in this room, often overlapping with an episode of off-menu. That's why I can hear it in the background. Yeah, we just get, um, All the sort of bizarre stories from the north, like small town, weird stories.

And we talk about, we talk about them. Yeah. It doesn't sound like there's much to it. I've been on the idea. It's a podcast, isn't it? It doesn't need to be much to it? I love it. It's a great podcast.

It's part of the Plosive family. It is. I've been on it, and you get a guest to bring in a funny news story from their local area, where they grew up. Unfortunately, I grew up in London, so all of the local news stories I found were quite violent. Yeah, it's harder to find. You've got to get more creative. with your searches in London.

You've got to put stuff like, I put weird in quotation marks, but then it'll just be like, man stabbed in weird way. Yeah, it's difficult. Just to be clear as well, you record it here, you're part of the Post of Family,

but Benito is not your producer. You have a different producer. No, no. I've never seen him at the helm of a podcast before. Yeah. It's very different vibe, isn't it? Because, like, you come in today and your producer is here,

and she's having lunch out there, and you came in, your interaction with her really made me think oh that's a nicer vibe than what we've got going yeah because you went beans on toast to her

and she went yeah I'm eating beans on toast just to clarify she was eating beans on toast that is not Ian's nickname for the producer no I mean it's not like she hasn't got a dog called beans

and Ben had his dog in and they were mating but like beans on toast and she was like yeah that's right and I was thinking if I came in and Benito was eating

B's on toast. And I went, B's on toast. He would scrunch his face up at me and go, yes. Yeah, no. It would be like, and, and they were, oh, sorry. And then, like, yeah, we came in here before the podcast and he said to us like, you know, we're warm enough and Ed said, I'm a bit cold. He went with a heater's on. And we sat down. And I was thinking, you must be very different for you and your gang. Like, I've seen your gang on nights out before together. Yeah. We hang out. If it's too cold on you, we'll put her being. On Toast closer to us. So the heat from the beans will get us, if that's what's needed.

Yeah, that's nice. This Ben, he's a surly, miserable. Yes. It's a different vibe. But I don't see you guys. But also what I would say, to back Benito up slightly, is if you came in and shouted beans on toast, and he was eating beans on toast,

and he would go, yes, and scrunch his face up. So that should show you that he doesn't like that sort of thing. Yeah. But instead, what you do is you then do it more. I try and break through that wall. He doesn't want you to break through the wall He likes his wall And he loves being behind it

Have you not in all this time found something That Benito would like? He does it He loves it He laughs on the podcast When we do something wrong Yes, he likes that If we're embarrassed or we say something wrong

He loves that He likes our own like Yeah if we fall short Of what is expected of us James once got the name of a guest wrong At the top of the episode And Benito loved that Even though

I've got it wrong because he had sent us the name of the guest beforehand and autocorrect to change their name. So it was kind of his fault. Yes. And you just went with the autocorrect. Yeah. And it really gave away that I didn't,

which is obviously awful because I've already spoke to them in the, you know, out there. I've already been like, hey, welcome to the podcast. So glad you're on it. We're so excited. Yeah, we're being friends. Yeah. Sit down, get their name wrong. Yeah.

You don't know who they are. No. And then they know that. Oh, okay. This guy's full of shit. I was one. I was one sort of gig brought on to the compere when type of our next act. It's, um, oh.

And then they looked over at me and they went, ah, I'm looking at him and I know him. I know him. I know him. And then I said, what's your name? And I looked at that I was in a mood. And I looked at the promoter. I was like, I'm not saying my fucking name. I'm not shouting my own name out.

Yeah, it's embarrassing. It's Ian Smith. and then going, one of my favorite comedians here. Good friend of mine. Just in a mood, I was silent. And then the promoter went, Ian Smith, but in that sort of tone, and then I died on my house for 20 minutes.

Yeah, of course. No respect from that audience. Also, if a Compes forgotten your name, even if he remembered it, no offence to your name, but it sounds like he's made it up on the spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get brought on as Ian Stone quite a lot.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. And for the listener, Ian Stone is a completely, different comedians of a different generation, yeah, yeah. But I'll do his stuff, he's got good gear. Yeah, he's a good comment. To be fair, you put

Ian Stone in any room, he's going to rip it, so I'll take that. You're more so than me, actually. Yeah, well, we'll do respect. I think that was a subtext of what James was said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Putting Stone in it, there was an emphasis on Stone. Put Ian Stone in any room. But no, just to be clear, more than any of us.

I think Ian Stone's hit rate obliterates our hit rate combined to three of us. So I think you said the Angel of the North because you are connected with the north that's where your heart lies because I think there's other outstretched arms things that you could have compared James as Titanic. Titanic, Jesus.

Yeah. But I think that's it. Titanic, Jesus. Angel of the North. Paul Gorton from the Traces just before he bowed. Oh yeah, of course. Sorry, Ed's of a job. Can't get his head out of that. Apologies. I think all four of them would get on as well. I think they were. That's a dream dinner party line up. Dream Blunt rotation.

Yeah. Dream Blunt rotation. Jesus, pull from the traitors, Angel of the North. Kate Winsler, I guess, is the... Off-blunt rotation. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea. Get him in our Coke.

That's a good, well, it's a good new format point for off-menu, really, isn't it? We do popatums or bread and then do Dream Blunt rotation. Pass the blunt. If you were, if we were, I mean, we are sat in a circle. Yes. If you had to pass the blunt now, I'm opposite you, so I guess I'm out. But if you've got to pass the blunt to either Benito or Ed And don't be swayed by musical use

Who of course said Pass the Duchy to the left hand side Yeah, don't be... Hang on what, so I'm... How did he... I'm no longer making up the people It's just who would have passed... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who would I pass drugs to? Yeah. Now. Yeah. Well, I'd say, Ben doesn't like having been being shouted at him. I don't know if he's going to be a big recreational drug user So I'd probably say, Ed. And if I'd never met Ed before,

I'd be like, he's got tattoos. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't have tattoos. Yeah. Druggy. Yeah. Never touched the drug in his life. So you're passing to me, then I have to pass to James,

which leaves James in the unfortunate situation of passing to the Great Benito. Passing it back to Ed, I guess. I guess that's what I'm going to do. Yeah, that's good. Dream Blunt rotation. Also, let's talk about your new tour show, crushing. Oh, oh. Also, let's talk about...

You made another mistake. Benito's loving it. Here's the thing as well. Look at he genuinely smiling. I was going to... Yeah. Now he's smiling because I made a mistake. See how delighted he is?

He does like that. He's really happy that I fucked it up and that it's your new special and not your new tour show. But it was a tour. And now it's been announced a special. Well, here's the really bad thing. I was going to, for a joke,

get the name wrong because I've done that, you know, we talked about me getting names. I was going to get the name of your special wrong. And I thought, no, don't do that. Do it proper. And then I got it wrong anyway. You got it wrong anyway, yeah. You're a natural.

Yeah. I'm a natural. Crushing. The new comedy special for me and Smith. Yeah, I did a show. And then you just. do it until you're nearly bored of it.

Oh, I've just realised you're bad at plugging your own stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. This is, whatever is about to happen here, it's not going to get more eyes on this special. Oh, really, really. It's good. It's good. It's about stress, romance, and driving a tank over a car with your hairdresser.

That's the three main things. That's good, actually. To be honest, that's going to get a lot of eyes. I brought it out. That's good. A lot of people are going to be intrigued by that. Not a lot of comedians are doing tank stuff. Especially with the hairdresser. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know a lot of comedians are doing a tank over a car, but they're never with a hairdresser. And a lot of people doing hairdresser stuff. But I'm the only one who's seen the opportunity to combine the two. In the market. In Slovakia as well. Oh, wow. There you go.

Another USP. Yeah. I mean, I can't even imagine being in Slovakia with my hairdresser. Really? I mean, that's going to, I want to hear the story just to know how you ended up. Even if I bumped into them, I'd be like, this is crazy. Yeah. Really?

So you've even gone on holiday with your hairdresser, or you've bumped into them in Slovakia. Or they were in the car. Or they were in the, oh. Oh, well. That you drove the tank over. I don't like him. So, no, you just realized just the last second as the tank went over. You're like, that's my head.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm going to have to find someone else. Yeah, rather than I've killed someone. Yeah, yeah. Be like, ah, I have to find someone else. Say hairdresser rather than barber? Oh, here we go.

Macho, macho man here? No, it's just, I'm interested. I don't know why. I've always introduced him as my, well, we had a conversation where I'd introduce him as my hairdresser, and then as we got to know each of him more, I'd introduce him as my friend. Yes, that's lovely.

But the first few times I introduced him to someone early on in our relationship, I would probably say, this is my hairdresser, Dom. And he'd be standing behind you. Yeah. Always. Oh, yeah, or he'd be behind them, and I'd give them a mirror. That's my hairdresser

Behind you Oh, very nice Yeah, yeah Yeah, it's very nice Yeah, but you just cut my hair And then we just started chatting And then it sort of developed to Just get a pint after this

Wow We'd have But he's into comedy I've done some little comedy films with him And yeah Then we'd start drinking And then it would be more calculated Like when can we get our hair

Well, I get my hair cut He won't let me do his but what time is good for you to cut my hair where then there's free time afterwards where we can hang out for a little bit and it's just become a really good friendship some people would say it's sad that you've had to get a friendship

through essentially the service industry but no I think it's lovely hey look a lot of men do it she's my friend really more than anything we message a lot your hair looks fantastic as well which is just as well

because like it's hard to like even when you're not friends with your hairdresser to leave you to go somewhere else and get your hair coat I find

it's a bit awkward yeah yeah if I was really good friends with them then I'll be like well how am I if they stopped doing a good job I'll be like well James and I

were friends with our hairdresser for a bit we had the same hairdresser but then but then he sorted out the awkwardness by just quitting hairdresser He just quit her dressing, so we didn't.

I mean, it wasn't awkward because we were happy with our hair, but when he quit, you're just like, well, I just go somewhere. Yeah. I've just put my first one somewhere. It's close to me, you see, it's mainly a distance thing. I was traveling all that way to go and get my hair cut. I think I'd travel far for Dom. Yeah.

How far, well, it's Slovakia, I guess. Yeah. So that was a good plug. That's good plug, well done, man. Hair plugs. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man. You got to clip that up. Because that's more of a visual thing, is that Ed just looked at it, and it went, ah. What was it? Ah. It wasn't even, I didn't even, the joke of made wasn't even,

it was just like, it was just like answer smash or whatever. On a house of games, hair plugs, and then, ah. I looked at Ian straight away for a reaction and got nothing. Yeah, well, I didn't know what to say to that.

No, fair enough. No. I think, eventually there was a little pause, but then I said yes. Yes. Yeah. It's a yes, it's a yes rather than the laugh. You've got to clip that up and that's going to go viral.

Yeah. The main thing that I want from this is that we go viral. Yes. At some point. It would be great. Should we begin and see what virality we can mind from it? I'm going to ask you for the first question, and you've got to go viral. What my answer for this?

Still a spark of water. Difficult to go viral with it. It's hard to go viral with that, isn't it? Oh, come on. Blood. That'd be great. Give that the right title, click-page-wise. Yeah, yeah.

Northern Comic drinks blood. Northern Comic destroys Heckler with blood. Yeah. Have you ever destroyed a heckler? I don't think there's any left now. They've all been destroyed. Yeah. They've all been humanely blown up.

Yeah. Like a bike left at a train station. Do they brought up bikes? They destroy them, yeah. Do they? It'll say if a bike's left unattended, they'll get destroyed. But I thought they only did that with things that could have bombs in them. A bike can have a bike.

bomb in it. No, a bike's got no insides. A bike's showing everything off, isn't it? The frames? Tires. There's something in there. You're not getting much of a bomb in there, are you?

Stink bomb. Basically, you're getting a firework in there. Yeah. Stink bombs. Grew up on the beano. Stink bombs is a big thing in my head. Yeah. Yeah?

Stink bombs, pee shooters, catapults. Yeah. Really? They're big in beano world. Big piles of sausage and mash. Yeah. I think I've had a nice. had two of

out of that list. Possage and mash? Yeah. And a catapult. Am I allowed to take back blood? No. I don't think so.

That was your answer. No. I don't really want that. If you don't mind not going viral. Yeah, I don't mind not going viral. Okay.

You can take back blood. Do you think you'd be a good vampire? If you became a vampire, if someone bit you turned you into one? That's the traditional way, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But there's all what came first. The vampire or the bite. Yeah, sure. Bat. A bat. Yeah. A bat started it. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Like COVID. I think I would be a good vampire. Mike, can I ask a secondary question before I answer? What makes a bad vampire? Good point. I guess, like, you've really got to want to be a vampire. You've got to want to go around fighting people, drinking blood, staying up all night, not ever being in daylight again.

Oh, yeah. You know, you've got to enjoy that lifestyle. Otherwise, you're going to be miserable for eternity. Well, like the guy, I don't know if you ever saw True Blood, the show True Blood, but there was vampires and that who didn't want to kill humans and drink blood, so they found a way of making synthetic blood that you could sustain yourself on. Oh, so yeah, that'd be all right, even if I didn't like it. But yeah, I think nightlife-wise, I'd probably hang out a lot of the Hippodrome.

24 hours. Yeah. So, yeah, I'd probably get up at sunset, go at the hippodrome, try and get a circle of friends in the sort of poker. world. It's going to be some sad characters around there, aren't there? Yeah, but they're the ones

that I'll kill. Oh, okay, great. Don't have to eat them. No, they don't eat them. But I've added that. Yeah, but that's how good a vampire I'd be. You'll see the whole thing.

You go to the Hippadrome casino at sunset, spend all night there befriending sad, lonely people and then eat their blood. What do they call it at a restaurant, like top to tail? Yeah, yeah. A top to tail is a vampire.

Nose to tail, yeah. And you probably preach to all the other vampires how you shouldn't be wasting the whole animal hair to foot I'd call it be a hair to foot vampire

hat to show yeah would you buy your hairdresser or Amy Gladhill no people people who are people who work with

or close friends I don't think I would unless they wanted to be a vampire as well you'd leave them be yeah so I'd probably tell them that I was a vampire

yeah because with the scheduling of doing the podcast Amy'd be like can we do like one o'clock yeah in July but no we fucking can

I'm a vampire. Yeah, remember. I keep telling you, I'm a vampire now. But if I told her I was a vampire, she'd just say save it for the pod. Yeah. We can't have any conversation that looks like it might be a good conversation

without having to stop it and be like, oh, let's just save it. Save it for the pod. Yeah, sad, isn't it? Yeah, well, you said that about your notebook at the top. Edwin's comment on your notebook, and you went...

Not a notebook. What is it? It's a diary. He's got a paper diary. With a notebook section. Which is classic vampire behavior. Yeah, yeah. And wait until you see this for a paper note book.

You think that's sad. It's colour-coordinated. Wow. You've highlighted. Yeah. Joe, what? We can't use this clip, by the way, because the amount I get paid for gigs is written on there as well.

Does that go viral? This is not what I would expect of you, Ian. Really? Yeah, like, this is like, not that I think of you as a disorganised person. I've known you for a long time. You're a very hard-working, talented man. Thank you.

But I would not expect you to be this. regimented you've got four different colours there that you're using to highlight things It's like you're interviewing Stephen Bartlett Yeah

Oh yeah You're like Stephen Bartlett Can I quickly talk about Huell As well then I've got some good stuff about Hugh That's your arms of Estillus Barkley Yeah yeah

Yeah I mean I don't really know what to say about that Because it's like You're just a completely different person in my mind Yeah Really

Yeah I've always thought of you I'd say you fall into The scamp category Really A scamp Cheeked little scamp Yeah, a bit of a cheeky little scam. I think what James is saying is he didn't expect you to have an organised diary.

He expected all of your stuff to be written on a leaf in shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somewhere in between that. Let's find the middle ground. Yeah, I think I give off a very sort of gravy kind of vibe. Oh, no, come on. Is that what you're saying, James? No, if that's what you mean, that's absolutely fine. Maybe I do have to go away and examine that.

Yeah, but I once lost my diary. And I'm in my life's room. Well, this is the problem with the paper diary, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Do you have a digital backup? I have a part digital backup. I will back it up. I back it up basically whenever someone's gone,

you've got a paper diary. Right. And then I remember, I should back that up. So surely that would be every day, someone says that. No, I don't get my diary out a lot. Yeah. I've gone, not really in demand, work once. Could have thought me.

That's chock a block. Yeah, that is chocker block. Yeah, but I put... Less all three colours mean day off. Yeah, only orange is, um, per person. Personal time. Can you give us a little preview of the diary? A little sneak peek?

Right. Oh, fucking hell. This is sad. Well, this is our September starts all right. Coming back from Berlin, that's in Orange. That's my time. This is last September. Last September, yeah.

Yeah. Come back, you're in your hairdresser? No. No, this was more, this was a more reasonable. Berlin with my girlfriend visiting her brother and his wife. Lovely. Come back on the third in yellow, because this is something I need to remember. Cancel my Apple TV

subscription and we're currently in January I still got Apple TV still got it So the collicating doesn't work at all Still got it Haven't watched anything Severence soon though

Phil Wang Phil Wang Party I've written Phil Wang party What colours that? That's in yellow as well So that's something you have to remember That's an appointment

I need to remember Yeah it's not personal time So that doesn't get orange That gets yellow No that should get orange Is it Phil Wang party Or is it cancel Phil Wang party? Yeah.

Oh, yes. Yeah, so get an Apple TV subscription and cancel Phil Wang's party. Yeah, cancel Phil Wang. He says a lot of questionable stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it's just gigs, northern news. Oh, here we go. You love this.

Birthday, Kudu. Have you been to Kudu, Peckham? We have. We all went together on a lot of menu trip. Oh, yeah. That's in yellow. Because you go, I remember it. Your birthday doesn't fall into personal.

Your birthday got a little sticker on, actually. Oh, stickers. I didn't know the stickers involved. This is for... What are the stickers about? In the... Where do you buy the stickers from? You don't buy the stickers from.

You don't buy the sticker that I'd be humiliating. In the back of your pad, you get this little section here. It's like a little pouch. A little pocket that's also completely... You couldn't put anything in it because it's open at the bottom. Yeah, well, you put your hand for it.

Because it's well used. But that had little stickers in it. And I thought, I want to use those stickers for something. So I pop them down on my mum. mum's birthday. My dad's birthday.

My brother's your own and then my own, which I think has become sad. Yes. What are the

stickers? Are they? What's it a sticker of on your own birthday? You'll love this. Birthday cake.

You'll love that and that's food. Why don't you use a diary in your phone or like so that you know,

you couldn't lose it you know? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a good question. I think I like to visualize where, listen, I've said this before, that I like to visualize my week and month, and then people say you can do that online.

Yeah. So just preempting your criticism. I can visualize it online. I like highlight of pens, I guess, is what it ultimately will come down to. Yes. Poplubs or bread. Poplums or bread. I don't think we actually got the water.

Blood is the answer. Blood has to be the answer now. Okay, rubbing blood. Bread, please. Yeah. To mop up the blood? Yeah, well, the whole menu has changed. Trying to compliment blood.

But yeah, it would have to be bread. Talk to us about the bread. What's the bread that you want? Well, I had like two options in my head. One of them seemed pretentious. Don't worry about that. Are you worried you're going to lose some of the more grassroots northern followers that you have if you sound pretentious?

But my options are Scottish and pretentious. Not that the two can't meet. Absolutely not. Example of when the two do you meet. Edinburgh? Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah. Edinburgh and everyone.

Most potential place I've ever been in my life. Fair enough. So I think my favourite bit of bread, have you ever had a buttery? I don't know if it's also kind of like a rowy, an Aberdeen rowy, rowy. I don't, I don't know. You say this shit, but I like it.

Talk us through. it. I think I've heard of it as a buttery. So, butteries are, they're sort of like a bread roll and a croissant and they're made using a lot of fat, like butter and lard in there. And they were

invented for like fishermen to give them like energy for the day because there's just so much fat in it. But yeah, it's like a sort of condensed croissant. Yeah, it's just so buttery and flaky and they're very nice. But you can

burn them in an instant, and they can be ruined. And so I think I will go with that. My other option was potato damper. I want to cook it a bit more on some hot coals. I had that in a restaurant. You've got to describe what that is, and also it doesn't sound pretentious for me. Really? Yeah.

So this is, I was in a restaurant in Adelaide, I think is called Onorana, oh, Nana, shout out to whoever they are. But it was one of the few, like, very expensive. like 12 course restaurants I went to I went with the comedian Lloyd Langford who's very good to go to like quite a pretentious restaurant he cuts it all away

with lovely conversation and the first course was a potato damper which I think is just like a potatoey bread they put a stick in it so he's got a stick and some leaves and it served on like hot calls and you kind of finish it off on the hot calls

which sounds a bit I like some of those restaurants but some of it's a bit wanky. But I like that. I liked finishing off the bread and I like the sort of scourch of charcoal. Yeah. So that's one that you can burn a little bit.

Oh yeah, you can burn a potato damper. The buttery, you can't burn it. No, no. I mean, they both sound delicious. Yeah. You can have a little bread basket, have both of them in there. Oh, I'd love that, yeah.

But you need the cold situation, don't you? Well, maybe could I have a bread basket with minimum two not quite cooked bits of bread? And I'll finish them off myself. Yes. On hot calls. Yeah.

Do you want Lloyd there to take the edge off the potato damper? So it's not as pretentious. Yeah. Yeah, I would like that. Lloyd can. What sort of things was Lloyd saying that took the edge off? Yeah. My favourite thing.

So one of the courses, we had a crocodile soup with botanicals. Right. Wow. And they give you this ball of like botanical leaves. And there's a list of what leaves are in the bowl. And they invite you to take the leaves out, kind of crack them. put them in your mouth, have a little taste of them, and see if you can correspond them to the name.

Yeah. And if you're doing that by yourself, I think, is sadder than my diary, just like lining up your little leaves and your list. Honestly, Ian, when you were describing it, all I was thinking was, I'd love to just do that alone. Really? I'd love it. But you could do that.

That'd be heaven. The problem is someone needs to present you with it, because if you collect some leaves and then have a list of the leaves, you've got, you know what they have. Oh, yeah, in this restaurant scenario, eating alone, is what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking I'd collect the botanicals myself, go home and set up an exam for myself.

Yeah, yeah. And good luck in making your own crocodile soup, but yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the thing that Lloyd does, does he sing crocodile soup to the tune of crocodile shoes? He would do that. No, but I'd love that. My dad's a big Jimmy Nail fan. Yeah.

I know more about the two crocodile shoes albums than a lot of people on the comedy circuit. Did you know there was a sequel to Crocodile Sho? No. Yeah, crocodile shoes too. Wow. I thought only rappers did sequels to their albums but Jimmy Nail did it

Jimmy Nail and rappers Crocodile Shoes too Yeah Everything you say I want to talk about for 15 minutes Yeah yeah that's the issue here Yeah But a quickly the highlight that Lide said One of the

One of the plants And was called Lemon Mertel And in what was quite It's a very cool restaurant But I guess there's a bit of a stuffiness I guess to some of the clientele of that restaurant It was quite quiet

And Lyd just a bit of leaf and really loudly went, Lemon Myrtle, all day long, all day long, and put it in. He was saying stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, we went on holiday with Lloyd, got stuck in New York with him. Oh, yeah.

It was absolutely brilliant. Really fun getting, I've got a photo of him on my phone because the BBC wanted to do an interview with us on the news. Him and John Robbins did it. He got a chain out of the drawer and decided to wear it. We're in an Airbnb, just some random chain that had USA, a big medallion.

said USA, so he put it on, but didn't frame himself well on the camera, so it cut off the medallion, so it just looked like he had a big gold chain on. And he was, because they had the screen up, it was live on the news. So he was looking at the screen as well to see how he was coming across. But he was reading all the headlines that are going along the bottom. So he just looks completely confused, like a giant baby who's wearing a gold chain for no reason. It was only John who said something as well, wasn't it? Yeah, he answered all the questions, and Lloyd's just there, just doing that.

like he's some heavy in the he sat next to him that's my contact image for Lloyd yeah I think I'd like Lloyd Langford at this mail actually yeah that's a good that's a good shout and actually I didn't even take that screen grab myself of Lloyd

the comedian Andrew O'Neill tweeted it out of context to just on its own without any description just a screen grab of Lloyd brilliant fantastic yeah get him at the meal I want him wearing the chain

great perfect we get you to your menu proper now, your dream starter, Ian. So this starter, I've tried to basically take everything, it's hard getting a menu. So just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu and I've sort of combined it.

But I think the flavours work. Okay. Okay, interesting. I want a risotto. Yes. Salmon and haggis. Oh, God. So you're putting all your favourite foods into like one dish here.

That I feel like I aren't featuring later on. Salmon haggis and say it with me, saffron. Saffron, okay. Salmon saffron risotto sounds like that could work. Yeah. I think the haggis is the rogue. Really? Yeah.

We're down to Scottish or potentials again, aren't we? Yeah. It's either the haggis or the salmon and salmon. But let me ask you this, do you like pepper? Yeah. Haggis, by its very neat, it's just a very peppery dish. I reckon a little crumbling of haggis. It's the same as having a pepper grinder.

Right. I see. If the restaurant was like, we've run out of pepper. Yeah. But we can let's heat up some of that haggis and we'll crumble it over stuff. No one would notice. So you want haggis instead of pepper? Well, I don't want it instead of, but I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there.

Right, okay. I've got enough. We've got haggis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So you're crumbling, you're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper? Yeah, I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in.

But I will say, with the hot coals, if I'm crumbling in the haggis, I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of legwork. Doing a lot. Yeah. We'll just mix the haggis through for you then. Yeah, that would be lovely. Yeah, so haggis and salmon saffron risotto.

Yeah, saffron, I don't really know. Sounds disgusting, man. Yeah, if you think about it. on it. Well, my question, even a salmon risotto, I would struggle to order that. Really?

I would think, is that going to be, I love salmon, I love risottoes, but I don't know if that would, maybe it would be great. Is it a bit, are you thinking,

is it a big bit of salmon on the top or is the salmon flake to mix through it as well? Flake it up. Yeah. I'm having to do everything here. Got to flake it up. I want it to be smoked like a sort of, you know,

a smoky flavor too. Yeah. Saffron, in all honesty, I don't know what it tastes. like. But I've had saffron-infused mashed potato twice in my life. And I can't put my, can't really sort of put a handle on it, but it was delicious. Yes. And a vivid color. Yeah, it's a very vivid color. And there is a definite taste of saffron. Yeah. But you can't

work out what it is, but you know you like it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I guess so. And maybe I have someone explaining what saffron is to me. Yeah, they could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight. Oh, I'd love that. Yeah, yeah. I'd love some saffron and some other, what is it, herb is it? Yeah.

Spice, spice, yeah. And I want to, or spice. Herbs and spices, and I've got to match them up to what the herbs and spices are. Oh, you want to, so you want a quiz as well. A quiz. Yeah. Okay. Well, Lloyd's going to be there, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I just want Lloyd to do the quiz, really. So I can enjoy my meal, but I'll hear in the background. I'm trying to think of another herb in my head. Well, this is a problem, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Fennel seeds.

I think, all day long, I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz. I would say there's enough going on in this dish already. You shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are. Yeah, no, I will, I'll accept that as a criticism. Yeah. Because I was going to suggest maybe you have, like, you know, your start, it could be like a board that's got like a little salmon fill it on, a little bit of haggis next to it, some saffron mash. But do you like risotto so much that it has to be all in a risotto?

Is it a risotto a big deal for you? Let's not talk him out of this. No, no, you're still going to have this. But I also think, imagine if every chef did that, just put four ingredients on a tray and just went, have them individually. Yeah. It's all about discovering flavour combinations. And you're not going to make a discovery if you don't try.

Yes. I would say, imagine if every chef did this. You took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they would like to see them make an appearance and chuck them out. I think you'd get... Occasionally get something fantastic.

You've always got to apply the rule, imagine if every chef did this to... But sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would do. Sometimes the dream meal is something you'd do at home if you just had things in the fridge and put them all in a bowl together, right? Listen, I've listened to this podcast.

People say daft shit. People are off their fucking heads on this podcast. Yeah. Have you... So you're a big fan of weird flavour combinations. No, I just... Do you do them at home? Have you ever discovered a flavour combination you like at home?

Hmm. I don't think I have, no. I'm trying to think if I've invented my own flavour combination. Yeah, that's what I asked. I couldn't have done. Look at your diary, does it say... Well, I would have put that under blue. Blue have had a new flavour combination.

No, I mean, I like it. Genuinely, literally looks in your diary. for ages then. Listen, I'm a physical comedian. I'll do an act out, and I'll do it on a pod. Yeah. I'll do it on a pod. No, we've got cameras going.

That can be the viral clip. Yeah. Yeah. Get a sound effect of pages turning in. Yeah. Yeah, put that in. Oh, that's not page's turn. Oh, no, that's not boom.

That's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto. I found out what Arincini was when I ordered, Aroncini as a starter and then a risotto is my moment. main. And everyone was like, what? Like, I don't know what the problem is here. But yeah, it was a ricey, a ricey meal. Yeah, they're like risotto balls that are deep fried, right? And then you had the insides of Arancini's, Arancini guts. Yeah. And there was a, there was a rice pudding option for dessert and I almost wanted to take it to be like, that's what I like and I'm leaning into it. Yeah, do the treble. What are you going to call this dish? Oh, that's it. Yeah, that's

good at the minute. Well, I mean Salmon's Scottish. Haggis is Scottish. Where does Saffron come from? I think probably North Africa. Wow. If he's got that right, I'm very impressed. Mediterranean and parts of Asia. Wrong continent.

Yeah. So I guess something that combines Scotland, Mediterranean and parts of Asia. And it's the title. So where you can do that? There must be. And don't edit it out any of the time

it's actually to think of this Yeah, yeah Muck Yeah So straight in with muck Straight in with muck You're on safe ground

Yeah Now he's got Mediterranean and parts of Asia Yeah I don't feel more scared Yeah Muck You could just say

Salmon here And Muck Yeah but I mean Muck Mediterranean Just say Muck Olive Mc Olive

Surprise Mc Olive surprise McAuliffe surprise Yeah There's no olives No olives Is it? Is it the food

The Asian met With the Mediterranean Macolive surprise McAuliffe surprise The surprise The surprise is there's no olives Saffron Macolive surprise

Yeah That Saffron is the surprise Yeah So McAuliffe surprise Yeah Well also the surprise Is there's no olives Yeah

Salmon's not mentioned Yeah Well I mean I didn't I thought I'd be able I say my menu I didn't think I'd have to name it

Yes And that's what I'm struggling with. But you've got to name it if you've made up the dish from scratch, I think. Really? That's the rule, yeah. Yeah. Also, you're saying that, you know, you knew that you had to say what your menu was. You didn't think you'd have to name it.

That's what you're struggling with. I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well. I mean, this starter is. Well, only because you took blood. You took blood because we had too many details. I don't know if that's my, that's not on me. This starter is loopy. Good breadcour so far, though.

Yeah, yeah. We're forgetting about that. And you know what? I would absolutely eat that starter. I don't know if I would enjoy it. I would try it. But I would give it a go. If I was at your house for a dinner party.

Yeah. Yeah, and I made it. And you made it, I would obviously, out of politeness, would eat it. And who knows, I might even love it. Yeah. That's got classic Come Dime with Me episode written all over it. Really? Yeah.

I'm all right. We're all slagging you off in the car in the way. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't make that for other people. I think I'd only make it for myself. Yeah. Because I'd expect a criticism. I think the Come Dime with Me producers would be like, if they heard about that,

they'd be like, you should make that for everyone. when they come around. Yeah. And it would be one of the episodes where the other people look around your house and they find your paper diary and they're all laughing.

Yeah, yeah. The only thing I've got in my fridge is one shelf is salmon. Yeah. One shelf is haggis. One shelf is saffron. I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate it.

Yeah. Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people otherwise we're going to have to get you to change the name again because you can't surprise yourself. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It can't be called McCollive surprise and you only make it for yourself. What about, No, McColliffe's surprise. You get a huge spice rack. It's spices, herbs, everything in it, and it's one of those ones that spins. Yeah.

And you sort of spin the spice rack, close your eyes. You got to tip that up. You've got to tip that up. See it Ian, pretend to spin a spice rack with his eyes closed. It is absolutely. I'm looking at some of them. People don't think I'm cheating. Yeah, yeah.

Closing eyes and doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in. They closed the ones and looked away. Yeah. But yeah, then you take whatever spice. Again, you've got to close your eyes throughout this.

Yeah. No, actually, just block out the spices. Black out the spices. Put mask in, put parcel tape over the spices. Or put them in unmarked jars or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Get someone else to do that. Yeah, yeah. You're very worried throughout this whole chat so far

that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing. Is that a problem you have when you go to a restaurant sometimes? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I found myself many time in the kitchen doing a full shift. Yeah. So, hang on, you're getting a spice at random. Yeah, and then for safety as well,

so you've got the salmon haggers in there, but then your last flurry is opening it up. Shake it in. Put that in, yeah. Mix it around, and then when you eat it, you know it's a macollive. Yes.

But the surprise is... What is? Cinnamon. So that's your starter? Yes. Fantastic. We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe, but this time, why not look a little further?

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Your dream bank course, Ian. This one's normal. Slow-cooked lamb. Yes. Oh, there you go. I want it to be slow-cooked. If it takes days. I guess you want it just at the point where there's a level of heat you could apply to lamb

where it just would never cook. Yes, zero degrees. Yeah. Yeah. But even two degrees. It probably wouldn't ever cook, surely. Yeah, yeah. Like if it was just at room temperature, just leave it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And five days later, you're like, that's lovely. Yeah, yeah. So, but the longest you could. That would be good, wouldn't it, if things cooked at room temperature. Yeah, so surely there's something that cooks at room temperature, you know. Fruit? Yeah, that's what's happening to it

Yeah Maybe a torch Maybe if you put your iPhone torch on it For a couple of days That's the slowest cooking you can possibly give it Yeah, that's going to give you a carpal tunnel or something Holding your torch over a lamb Or whatever mystery

I'd probably have a mystery box of meat So I don't know what meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, surprise It's another surprise dish, lamb surprise Yeah, lamb surprise Yeah, lamb surprise Yeah, McClam I had the slow.

cooked lamb in New Zealand at Mudbrick Vineyard, and I got told off but in a, I'd say a lighthearted way for, I was quite drunk, complimenting the lamb too loudly. And I think that's a sign of a good meal. Yeah. You're taking some tips from Lloyd Langford and you were shouting everything. Yeah. Yeah. What was your compliment? Who cooked this? How long has this been cooked for? Because the way you've said it there and at that volume, they sound like you're really unhappy with The complaints, yeah. I think they knew I liked it. My tone was like,

who cooked this? It was more like, wow. Same tone you use when you shout beans on toast. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Beans on toast! Who cooked this? I give a lot of good vibes.

Yeah. To chefs. But that's lovely. Why were you told off then? By the staff or by someone on a nearby table? By the staff. I think people around were disconcerted. Yeah.

And maybe they were running low on lamb. Yeah. Maybe they hadn't ordered yet and don't... Oh my God, it was nice. Yeah? Falling apart. How long do you think it had been cooked for? Minimum, I think we're talking double digits.

Do you? I think it was something like 12 hours. It was something mad. But I can't promise that, do you? Yeah, it was a long time. If you'd ordered it and they were like, oh, we haven't put it on yet, you'd be pissed off by the time you got it. Well, you'd be like, I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just come back tomorrow. Yeah. Do you know what cut of lamb it was? I think it will have been some like leg-based. It wasn't, I mean, by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't slicable. Yeah. By any means. It wasn't a shank, though. It could have been. It could have been a shank.

But it didn't come with a big bone sticking out the top of it. No, there wasn't a bone in it. As far as I meant, I drank a lot of wine at this point. Were you out with another comedian at this point? Was it another comic? The only time I get to go on like a big holiday is when someone's baking. for me to do that professionally. Yeah.

There was a lot of comedians there. Finn Taylor, Andrew Maxwell, Alexis Dubus, never confident with how to pronounce his surname. Oh, evidently. Maybe Lloyd was that. Maybe Lloyd was there. Lloyd again.

Yeah. But yeah, I like... I mean, these are some, you know, you've got Finn there, you got Maxwell there. These are some outspoken guys, and you're getting told off. Yeah, yeah. Like, you must have been really speaking your mind,

throwing some opinions around if you're the one who's getting reprimanded. Yeah, I mean, Andrew Maxwell will tell you the history of whatever country you're in in quite a lot of detail. I will compliment the food. You'll shout who cook this.

Yeah. What did the lamb come with? And this doesn't have to be your dream side. I'm just interested in this specific lamb. Sure. So I want elements of this, but not everything. It came with a mad portion of a sort of hummusy dip.

Right. And then long carrots. That's the main thing I remember about these carrots is the sheer length of them. And then you had to get your potato dish as a side. You're screaming who grew these? Yeah. Who the hell grew these? Mr. McGregor.

How long? How long have these been grown? I have to say stuff like that. Long and thin? Yeah. What colour? Orange. Classic.

The classic. But not the best carrot I've had was barely orange. In a restaurant in Reykivik called Scal. I've got the carrots as a side. Fucking hell, I've never had carrots. It's good in all my life. Yeah? They were black to the eye.

Yes. They'd really been sort of roasted. I tried to look up before doing this, what they came with. The menus changed. I found a picture of them on Instagram. It doesn't say anything. It doesn't say anything. Just a picture of some carrots.

It says carrots. It doesn't even say carrots. No description. But I love a sort of roasted carrot in some kind of sauce. I don't know. And the one in Vecovic was like, Were they long and thin as well? No, no.

And I preferred them. Dumpy, is what I would say. Black and dumpy. Yeah. That's what I would describe them. You want those with the lamb? The Rectivik carrots. Yes.

Get rid of the long thin ones. Yeah. They were Aldente, these ones. The Rekivik ones barely keeping themselves together. Yeah. So they'd be like probably slow roasted as well, you think. Everything about this, I want to be slow. Yeah.

I completely agree with you with a slow roasted lamb. It is up there meat-wise, I think. Yeah. Incredible. I love it. I want some dolphin wire. That's pretty slow. Yeah, you can do that slow. It's not quick.

No, it's not quick, is it? It takes a while to make, I suppose. Do you slow roast lamb at home? Yeah, I'll love it anywhere. No, but is that something you'll do? Have you ever done that? Yeah, absolutely. I'll have it anyway.

What do you think the question was? Would you eat at your house? Would you have it at home? Yeah. As in like... If my mum had made slow-cooked lamb, would I have it? Yeah, let's just follow this. Is there anywhere that you wouldn't eat slow-steroast lamb?

I don't think. Like funerals. You'd have that at the wake, but you wouldn't have it. At the wake, yeah, you wouldn't have it during, right? Yeah. You're not sorry for someone's loss if you're chewing. Well, if you're screaming and cook this at your top of your voice, sure. Oh, at the cremation. How long?

How long has it been cooked for? Woo! Falling off the bone. Woo! Falling off the back. Yeah, funeral. Yeah. Train toilet.

That was my first thought of where I wouldn't eat slow-rise lamb. Sure. But I would, if it's, I'd have it on the baby changing. Yeah. Toilets your seat. That's your table. Yeah. Would you put a tablecloth down or anything or?

Yeah. Ideally. Yeah. Or I guess if you're, if you're a parent, an unused. Clean nappy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Even though it's unused, I'd find it hard. It would be weird, especially if there's no plate, especially if you're eating slow-cooked lamb directly out of an unused nappy on a baby-changing table, I'd say that would throw me. Yeah. Yeah, it's not where I'd want it. Barely staying together. It's weird, though, because you'd think someone eating off a nappy

in a baby-changing room would be like, they're having a breakdown, having a tough time. But you wouldn't associate slow-cooked lamb leg with a mental collapse. No. I think it's the nappy that's doing the heavy lifting there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that changes the whole thing.

Also, it depends what brand and nappy, right? Because if there's some nice jus and gravy in there, a pampas is absorbing all of that. So you don't get to eat that? Yeah, you want a cheap nap if you're eating in a roast. You pour your gravy on, and then you immediately go, where's the gravy?

That's just outrageous. You're doing the thing at the end of the adverts where you're squeezing it. It's all gravy. Trying to get the gravy out. But then you're squeezing that back out onto another nappy that you've put under there. I think directly into the mouth at this point. You can't get your losses.

Yeah. Yeah, don't bring another nappy into the situation. Let's not worry about your dignity at this point. You're already squeezing gravy out of a nappy. You may as well go straight in a meal. Yeah. For American listeners, diapers. Diapers.

Yes. So your dream side dish. Is it those carrots or is that You're banking them as part of your main So your dream side dish is different Is that Dauphin was then Or is that, are you banking that as part of the plate? No, I'd like, yeah, I'd like, I'd just want some potato waffles

Okay Can you say that again for me because I enjoyed the rhythm of it? Potato waffles Thank you Yeah They're waffling versatile as a catchphrase Yeah, I remember the bird's eye ones Yeah, yeah

It's quite a catchy jingle Woffily versatile wasn't it? Oh, I thought it was waffling. Oh, I thought waffily. It's waffily, because it's supposed to be, like, awfully versatile. Oh, that does make more sense. I've been saying waffling versatile. All this time, they're waffly versatile.

What, so it was a pun on awfully. That's what I always thought. I thought I'd be lifting there. I'm willing to admit that I might be wrong, but as far as I knew, it was waffly versatile. I never put the pun together, but I just thought their waffling versatile was the line. I don't think it was waffling versatile. Yeah, waffling versatile.

doesn't make sense, does it? Why would they be waffling versatile? I mean, waffily versus... But they've got like, awfully, like the pitch meeting. Yeah. But they would have gone, oh, they're waffly versatile. You'd be like, all right, well, explain that. Yeah.

Well, they're awfully, and a posh person might go, awfully, oh, it's awfully, and waffly, awfully, waffly, waffly, waffly. Woffily, versatile. Awfully, waffly, would have been a better tagline for them. Yeah, yeah. Because then you're like, oh, yeah, I get what they're doing. Yeah, awfully, waffly. But the suggestion is then that awfully, there is a misinterpretation

when you say they're awful at being waffles. Sure. Yeah, they're awful. Yeah, they're awfully, yeah. They're not even a waffle. Yeah. There's a bag of new potato. Yeah, there must have been a better way to advertise it.

Yeah. But it's worked for you. Sticking your head's waffling versatile all these years. But they're on your dream menu. Yeah, they're on a dream menu. Yeah. Talk to us about your relationship with the bird's-eyed potato waffle. I just think it's the sort of thing when very nostalgic.

So I really like food and like good food. But also, if I find myself in the house by myself one evening and I'm just cooking, and I'm the only one who's got to eat this, we'll just have chicken nuggets and waffles and beans or something. It just feels so nice to do that. And a good waffle, they're so fluffy inside. They've got a lovely crisp. They are versatile.

You can have them with chicken nuggets, fish fingers. Beans. Beans. Have you had kidney beans and regular beans? Play Connect 4. With them. Yeah.

They're probably the end of... No, no. It's a lot more. I got into doing myself like duck breast in the lockdowns. Oh yeah? And I'd have them with Burzai potato waffle.

That's lovely. I like that. Delicious. That's really nice. And when I was... A teenager, me and my friends would go around to my friend Sam's house and do like movie marathons and we'd have a break usually in the middle to go and buy some food from Sainsbury's. I'd get bird's-eyed potato waffles, a pack of ham, a pack of cheese.

Oh, yeah. I'd make these waffles sandwiches with him, got his dad into them. How old were you at this, mate? 18. Yeah. 18. And his dad's come in, like... What are you doing here, lads?

What are you eating a waffle sandwich? You're using waffles instead of bread? Yep. It's delicious. Let me try, mate. And then my friend Sam was like, he's eating him all week. All week. Yeah, this time I saw him, he was like, my dad, my dad has a bunch of it.

How long was this movie marathon? No, no. I mean, after we brought home to me. When you said movie marathons, do you mean you started at the beginning of the history of films and work your way through from there? Did all the films. Eating birds of potato, waffles sandwiches the whole time. 18.

Feels old for that, doesn't it? Or to be doing movie marathes or you mates. And eating waffles sandwiches. I think that's prime age to do that, isn't it? No? It's veering on too old. I think if you're not in your teens anymore, it's too old. But if you're six and you're doing that, that's my...

Oh, we do it now, doesn't... Full disclosure, I do it now. Yeah, yeah. If someone said to me to want to come over, watch all the alien films and eat birds like potato waffle sandwich, I'm just a bit like, yeah, I do actually. Someone. Someone, anyone.

Anyone. You, your hairdresser? Yeah, yeah. The only way doing that when you're 18 makes sense is if you're in a blunt rotation. I'm passing it to his dad. With Jesus and the angel. Yeah, but that sounds, to me, like stoner food.

Yeah, well, I mean, we've covered this on the podcast before, that I hung out with stoners, but wasn't a stoner, so I ate like a stoner. Yeah, okay. So that's like, my whole personality comes from hanging out with stoners, but not doing drugs. Yes. And if anyone's ever confused by me, that's all I need to explain to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I hung out with stoners, but I never did drugs. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

That's where that's where all this comes from. Yes. Yeah. I guess that's where everyone, every sort of unique personality comes from, having hung around with, like, if you're the only non-doc worker is hanging out in the docks, you're going to be a quirky comedian. Too specific to not be you. Yeah, well, I'm just trying to veer into a little anecdote about my dog life.

Yeah, I've never been near the docks. Have you ever been? Doc Martins, maybe. No, it's... I said with the tone of an absolute slam. I'll only go to the docks if they've been renovated and there's a street food place. But he has laughing. Look, he's laugh at the dot mark.

He's laughing on it because it was... It was weak and you acted like it was strong. What? No. I know we just pointed at you and nodded, but like, that's not why it's laugh. It's a good slam. Absolutely did you. But I don't know why it's a good slam. It's not just that lamb that slow roasted.

That's better. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Slow roasted slam. Oh. Ah. Ah.

Yes. I think the waffle sandwich, here's what I'd want to try. Because I think I've seen similar things to this. online is take the frozen waffles out, put the fillings in between, put it in a toasty maker. Oh, yeah. Shut it and let it all cook like that and then make a sort of sealed waffle sandwich. Hmm. Yeah.

And if you cut the ends off a waffle, so you have like the kind of spiky protruding bits, sort of like a little Lego set, really. Yeah. Put them in the whole, like build little things out of your waffles. I'm I the first person on this podcast I feel like I'm just probably saying something that someone's already said No no no totally said No one has ever said

You can get potato waffles and build them like Lego I can know well I'm going to listen back to every single one A double check I promise you You're the first one You should be happy about that You're an original

Waffle Tower please Yeah this is from hanging out With all the dock workers Yeah They always used to do Waffle towers in their

break. Yeah. I loved it. Well, I like that. I like that you've got the potato

waffles there that's a side dish. Double potato as well. Yeah, yeah. Got double

potato. I mean, would you want someone to make you potato dolphin waz out of

Berza potato waffles? Potato waffle wa wa. Waffle wa. Yeah. I love a waffle wa

versatile. It's not a bad idea, you know. Oh, it would be good just waffles cream.

I'd click on that YouTube video. Yeah. Yeah. Someone making doping wires out of potato waffles. Yeah.

Yeah. Waffle whar, then, please. You're on the Waffle whar? Yeah. Slow roasted lamb, dumpy carrots, and waffle war. Yes, please. Yeah. I'm inventing a lot.

Yeah. You are an inventor? Yeah. Are you always thought of yourself as an inventor? I genuinely, I thought I invented pulled pork. Two foods I invented, actually. So, when I was young, like roast chicken, I used to get my fork and sort of score the chicken

because the gravy goes in a lot there's just more surface area for all the flavour. No one in my family did that. I'm the only one scoring it. Yeah, yeah. And then I remember when Pull Pork was becoming a big thing, I was like, I fucking invented that 15 years ago. And felt like I didn't, but I was a kid.

How do you utilize Pull Park as a child? But yeah, I thought I invented Pull Pork. And the other thing, I had to stop myself doing something Because you never had shredded duck No No I'm Northern Come on Northern six years old

Shredded Duck Fucking hell It's like standard Chinese takeaway stuff Shredded Duck Yeah we're not We've been up north You can't lie to us Well I think there's only one

Chinese takeaway in goal for a while Yeah They would have definitely done Shredid Duck Yeah I think I've got a lot of the time We've got chips from there. You know what I mean? We weren't culinary-cultured.

Okay. My favourite thing I saw in a Chinese restaurant, I'll tell us a quick detail, on a stag-do. Maybe, can you bleep out the C-word on this? Well, yeah, but we can also keep it in. Really? Okay.

Trigger warning, C-word, incoming. But it was on a stag-doo. It's not going to be Chinese, is it? Because you've already said that. Oh, really? I know in different parts of the country, the C-word is a different word. Yeah, it's the swear C-word.

In case anyone's thinking this anecdote is going to be bleak or offensive. We're at a Chinese restaurant. One member of the Stag do, I've never met this guy. He's sort of like a heart of gold, but very laddy. And he's running late. There is a kind word. There's a madman in the Chinese restaurant, and he's singing songs. He's like, that kind of vibe.

He's coming up to our table and singing, Best Chinese ever. It's the best Chinese. So he's supportive of the restaurant. Yeah, yeah. That's good. And then it's clearly a regular. Like, they know him and they're looking at, oh, again.

And this guy, the confidence of been out to do this. He comes up to the table, and he's, like, stood right next to the guy. And he points at him when he says this, we go, you all right, lads, who the fuck is this cunt? It's right, pointing right in his face. All right, lads, who the fuck is this cunt? That's great. And I cried, I was laughing so much.

Yeah, yeah. That's brilliant. I mean, I'd love that, especially under the stag, too. And even then, you weren't having the duck. Oh, we were having shredded duck then, yes. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Did you think you'd invented that? No, the other one was, so in woodwork class,

I got a penguin bar, and I put it in a vice. The vice at the end of the table, I'd just squashing this penguin bar. Just think that's funny. Get it tight, get it condensed. like doing that really like getting the last bit of it and obviously I pull it out and I eat the penguin bar the squash penguin bar

it tasted incredible yeah all the flavour again it's been condensed and it just and like the cream in the middle is mushed in with the biscuit it's almost like a truffle it was beautiful

and I remember I can't remember the other stuff I put a few things in that vice food wise and I remember having a really real moment as a kid where I was like

I gotta put a stop to this this can't be how I eat food like if I'm eating a sandwich but all I'm thinking in my head is

got to get back getting that woodwork class get it in the vice I couldn't live like that I mean it is

like a sandwich press yeah yeah yeah cold sandwich col pinini yeah

but you've never seen a pinini this flat I think that I mean look that could be

a hit TikTok account yeah that is cooking cooking with vice because there's already those hydraulic press channels that I watch all of those. Do you like hot balls?

Hot iron balls. I love hot iron balls as well. I don't know what either of you were talking about. Really? Yeah, yeah. So it's similar, like hydraulic press is obviously, you've seen those. I've heard of it though. I've not seen it yet.

This is what, not being off social media. Yeah. Write a follow-up book called all the things I'm missing out on. Yeah. Hot iron balls. Red hot iron balls. They get an iron ball until it's red hot. Uh-huh. And then they're just like, put it on stuff.

And you might think red hot is like, oh, it's red hot out there. Yeah. It's red. It's red. It's got red. It's red hot. Just to be clear, the phrase, it's red hot out there isn't the phrase. What?

Someone said that. No one's come in from outside. It's red hot out there. You don't say that at gigs, at Mix Bill gigs? It's red hot out there. Come off stage. The audience is red hot. Well, you don't ever say red hot if something is physically red.

But then it's not a phrase. Well, I'd say it if I saw something that was like, yeah, If I say that's red hot, fair enough. Not it's red hot out there. Yeah. That's what the chili peppers say to each other. When another one of them is still outside. It's red hot.

It has to be. They're not in here and out there, to be fair. It's red hot in here and out there. And out there. Frasciant is still, yeah, do you get to come in? He always the last one. Can't decide if he was to come in or not. Yeah, he's just out there, shaking everyone's hand.

He's like Rob Beckett. At the end of a gig. Do you know, apparently Froscianti worked shak hands? I read about, I love John Frischanti. And I read an article that him and Flee were shak hands because I'm worried about germs. Really? So if you meet him in the street...

Flea is worried about germs. He's got his knob out half the time. Yeah, he's disgusting. It's like he's rolling around. It looks like... Flea looks like he bathes like a chinchilla does in a box of sand. This rolls around in it.

Yeah. He's named after something you get when you do it. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. How is he? Well, that's the revelation. Yeah.

Do you want advice at the table for your dream meal? Yeah, I wouldn't mind one as an option. Yeah. Is this an okay time to flag up? I'd like, when this is all done, I'd like a bit of chocolate. I'd like a specific bit of chocolate. I feel like you don't do that on the pod. Chocolate post mail or no chocolate post mail.

A little pet dessert? Yeah, but I want a bit of chocolate. I want a little sweet snack. Is this in between the main and the dessert? After my dessert. You know, when they bring the bill. I want a little square. We're not there yet, man.

Yeah, but I just thought I'd flag it up because you guys, I'll say my pudding and you'll be like, all right then, cheers, thanks, bye! You're out of the studio. Me and Benito here. Yeah, you think he's staying with you? I'm just made by myself.

He's the first out of the door. He's not like your producer. He's the way he doesn't want to be here. Look at him now. He's already thinking about what he's going out of this. I usually go bowling after a Northern News record. No, no, no, no bowling. Absolutely not.

Bonito leaves the studio straight away. He goes, it's red hot out there, and he runs out the room. Yeah. We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe, but this time, why not look a little further? To Dubai, a city that everyone talks about and has absolutely everything you could want from a vacation destination.

From world-class hotels, record-breaking skyscrapers, and epic desert adventures, to museums that showcase the future, not just the past. Choose from 14 flights per week between Canada and Dubai, Book on emirates.ca today Your dream drink, though, Ian? So I thought about, I mean, a nice red wine would go very good with lamb. Yes. But I think if it's a drink, I'm trying to compliment the waffles.

That's the thing you want to compliment with the drink. Yeah, okay. The wop you are. But I love, and my favourite fizzy drink is dandelion and burdock. Okay. Oh, wow. Said like a dandelion and burdock, I reckon. Which is almost, it's like a wine.

Sure. I've still never had a dandelion and burdock. Really? I should have brought one in. I think I've had one once. I can't really remember either way what the impression was that I got of it, but I know that I don't really, I can never really place what it is. It's quite medicinal. Yeah.

I'll tell you what it is, dandelions and burdock. Yeah. So it's quite herbal. In any other context? No. Don't know what a bird duck is? Yeah, yeah. But could you, because you, because you,

you've drunk a lot of dandelion and burdock, if the dandelion and burdock were on the quiz for the different herbs, would you be able to pick up on them? Would you be able to say all day long? If they kept the flower of the dandelion on? Yeah. But a burdock, I think it was like a root. Right. So I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't know what that was at all. So it's quite medicinal. Yeah, but I like botanical stuff. Yeah, I love elder flower. I'm a big elderflower boy. I always associate that with very old people. Really? like elderflower drinks. No, it's a young man's game now,

elderflower. All the kids. Get on social media, it's red hot iron balls and it's elderflower. What would happen if you touched elderflower with a red hot iron ball? All I know is,

if I saw that as a video description, I would click on it, even if there was two adverts before it. Yeah. I think you would be the only person, the algorithms recommending that too. Yeah. I don't think anyone else has that crossover.

Yeah, yeah. It's not lasting long, is it, the elder flower with the red hot iron ball. And there'll be a flame. Yeah, there'll be a flame. Yeah, there'll be up in flames. It'll be gone. He'll be up in flames before the bulls touch most of it, I think.

Yeah. Wow. Some of it does that. Yeah. Really? That's how hot the iron ball is. Yeah, yeah. It's red hot.

Wow. Is there a certain brand of Dandelion and Burdock that you gravitate to that you buy for the house? I guess they go to is Phentemans. Oh, yes. They're your medicinal type. Is that a, I thought Dandelion and Burdock was a brand name? No, no.

Is it not? Flavor. No, just the ingredients. Do you think there's like Mr. Dandelionleau? and Mrs. Burdock made a drink together. Yeah. I thought there was a specific one that called Dandelion and Burdock. No, no. That's the flavour.

So the Fentermans, Dandelion and Burdock. Yeah, I wouldn't mind Fentamins. Do you think salt and vinegar is a flavour or a brand? I think it is. Let me think of one to join in. Look it up. Do you think Tia Maria is a brand?

That is a brand. Do you think Tia Maria is a brand? Yeah, that is, yeah. It's flavoured with Tia Maria. and Maria. Who was it? Something told me what Tia Maria meant the other day, and then I forgot.

It's like Auntie or something. Auntie Maria. Auntie Maria. Do you know that? No. There you go. Now you know that. You can tell people that.

Yeah, we'll tell people that, actually. First person I see out of this, bud. Your hairdresser. Yeah, probably. Do you want ice in your D&B? No, I just wanted to be cold, though. Yeah. I've started saying that at pubs and stuff

when they say, do you want ice in your drink. I would just go, is it cold? And I'll say in that tone, no, no. And I say in that tone, no. Or I'll ask for like one cube. I don't like getting a, can we get a pint and they fill it to the top of ice cubes? This is, this is insane. And how much drink are you actually get in there?

Yeah, yeah. So I, yeah, I'm specifying no ice. Just put it in a fridge before I come. Frosty cold, frosty glass, maybe. Oh, yeah. Like really cold. Yeah. But I'll ring in advance and say, get a D&B in the fridge, will you?

Please? To the pub? Yeah. To the dream restaurant. Yeah, yeah. Get a DAB in the fridge. Will you? Smitty's coming to town.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you call yourself Smitty? No, I've had people, you just get called Big Smitty as a nickname. My first nickname at school was Ebo. Because it's hard to make a nickname out of Ian. So someone's going like E, that's too short. Some call me Ebo for a while.

And then I was watching an episode of The Weakest Link. And there was a woman called Ebo on it. And, um, and Robinson. Is that a name? Yes. Is her name? I hope. Yep.

At the time of recording, it is her name. I don't think people lose their names when they die, do they? Yes, she'll have it forever. Okay. Even when her body's long gone, that's this realm. Okay. Well, whatever state you're in, Anne Robinson asked,

that's an interesting name, what does it mean? And she said it means Nigerian woman. I had to go back to school the next day. It's not appropriate. It's not appropriate. We've got to knock Ebo on the head. head, guys. It's either E or Big Smitty, I guess, but

feels weird for a primary school kid. Got to grow into Big Smitty. So, yes, that Ebo is a short-lived nickname for me. Yeah. Your dream dessert, Ian? I love pudding so much. Yes. So there's so many. But I've gone, so, I've just gone with one.

My dad's good at puddings. Okay. What's his name? Andrew. Andrew Smith. Shout out. I sort of hesitated things. It's very rare I'd refer to my dad as Andrew. Yeah?

Only when he's been naughty. Nobody's called him. Guess what? Same dad name. Oh. What's your dad called? This is the first time. This is the first time we've had a same dad name.

Really? First time on the pod. How many episodes has it been, Benito? A lot. This is the first time saying dad's name. What's your dad's middle name? Yeah. If it was a good, no, no way.

No middle name. No middle name. No middle name. No middle name. Middle name. Middle name. What? Because my granddad,

my granddad was Andrew Stevenson Gamble. Then they had Andrew Gamble. So everyone started calling my granddad Steve. And my middle name is Stevenson.

Yeah. So if I have a son, I'm going to call him Edward and everyone has to start calling me Steve. I can't wait to start calling you Steve. It'll be great. That's when you know

a pod's been going along. time. Yeah. When you have to call someone a different name. Yeah. Because they've called their son,

their name. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Professionally, it's going to be really difficult for me, but family traditions must be upheld. Yeah, yeah.

I love calling you, Steve. I'll feel like triggering only fools and horses. Yeah. What's your dad? What's your dad's middle name? Kenneff. Wow.

I thought Stevenson was weird. Kenneff's a big middle name. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Middle names were better in the past. Stevenson's weirder. Yeah. I'm going to be,

I'm going to be the voice of the listeners here. Keneth's a name. Yeah, that's true, yeah. Fuck it out. Yeah, I've never met anyone else with the middle name Stevenson before, let alone it's a family tradition. A butler getting told off. Yeah.

Yeah. Stevenson. Do you think this cutlery has been shined to perfection? Well, that's what I thought. I just think I rarely hear the name. Get out of it. Kenneth. Yeah, Barlow, Coronation Street, I guess.

Yeah, but everyone calls him Ken, right? Yeah, yeah. Kenneth Williams. Kenneth Williams is the only one I hear. Oh, yeah, yeah. What a esteemed company. Barlow and Williams. Kenneth and Kell.

What's that? Kenneth and Kel. Oh, yeah. Be a very different show. Yeah, I'd watch it. I'm still watching. What does Andrew Kenneth Smith do? Because you started talking about it.

My dad's got good desserts. Yes. Sorry. My dad was a chef in the Navy. Oh. I'm sort of, then did like a few other like cooking jobs as well. My granddad.

Oh. Andrew, Stevenson, Gamble. Yeah. He was in the Navy. Really? Look at this. You're basically the same guy. Yeah. And I don't know how big the age difference is.

Was your granddad in the Falklands? No. Dad might have cooked for him. You never know. Because he wasn't in the Falklands. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying he's cooked for everyone in the Falklands.

He's cooked for more people in the Falklands than a lot of people you've had on this pod. So your dad's a dessert chef in the Navy. I mean, that's... He didn't know. Not just desserts. If it really comes down to it, your dad is probably, you know, Is he pretty handy with a whisk against the enemy? Oh, yeah, he's good at whisking.

You've got a piping bag, attacking them. I think they would let him, in a combat situation, they wouldn't just say, improvised with the kitchen. Your ice cream scoop. Yeah. Well, I've got so many things to say. Firstly, guess who else was a chef in the Navy? Stevenson Gall in Under Siege.

Oh, really? So close to you saying Stevenson. Yeah. I thought he said Stevenson Gal in Undersea. The Siege and I was like, what? Stevenson Galle. He was a chef in the Navy, isn't he? He was.

He was a chef in Under Siege. Yeah. Because that was the big era of action films having like unlikely. Yeah. So the hero is always someone who's knocking about and you underestimate him. So maybe Under Siege was based on your dad. Could be. Yeah.

I mean, the evidence is there. They're both chefs in the Navy. Yeah. So your dad learned, did he learn to cook in the Navy? I'm not sure, to be honest. I guess he would have, he must have been able to cook before he was stationed as the ship chef. Yes. So, the ship chef.

Ship chef. But yeah, I'm not sure what is in terms of like the cookery school. But my mum dad had both good cooks. That's good. My mum does an incredible meat loaf. Let's just get that. I don't want it to feel like I'm just complimenting my dad here. Well, enough about a karaoke choices.

I barely hope they got that. like that. Ben's laughing. Jim's going a high-five, man. And doing a fist bump and just do

a very thin click of like a ring going to go. Well, there was a merely slow motion my hand going towards that

and then at the last minute I decided to go for the fist bump but only caught his top knuckle. And it cracked. And it cracked. Pathetic.

Yeah. That's good. I love that. Viral. That's gone viral. Ed Singh's meatloaf at cameo. Yeah. Oh, do you?

I do you? I think I did that at karaoke. I don't like karaoke. I don't think I did a meat love once. But out of how it was long, in it? Yeah. Yeah. That's why I like doing it.

Really? Yeah. Not let anyone else get up. It's funny to me that five minutes in, people start clapping as if it's finished and they're relieved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have to say, he's not even crashed the bike yet. Yeah.

Always works. I've seen him do it about three times. Every time he says he's not even crushed the bike yet. Big laugh. Yeah, I'm like, fair enough. I know this isn't the place. of material, we're meant to be letting our hair down, having a good time, but you can't fault it.

Yeah. About the hell, you get up Bohemian Rhapsody. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do it like the Evans. I do all the actions. I don't sing it. My friend Dom got, we got kicked out of karaoke bar in Edinburgh because... It's Dom the hairdresser?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's my friend, though. He moved on to Fred. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. We did, uh, well, he did, but I put him down for Mad World. And he did the sad mad world at a karaoke bar

and the guy the atmosphere is incredible people were singing along the guy when it wasn't happy

and then we're just about to go up and do candle in the wind where the guy come up my table

the level of anger for what funny is so disproportion but he's like you're fucking killing me

here you're killing me if you're going to keep doing songs like that you can fuck off

and we will keep that's important the songs will keep doing and We're kicked out. Yeah.

You're kicked out doing sad songs. Yeah, yeah. That's great. Which candle in the wind? Well, we didn't get to do it. Monroe or Spencer. Back to back, I imagine.

We were done as a duet, and I'd have been singing for Diana and he'd have been singing for Monroe. Yeah. Monro had a better hair. Yeah, yeah. And only just, by the way. All the Princess Dye fans.

Of its time, as well, the hair. Of its time. Yeah. So your dream dessert? The one that... So my dad would make a try for. But if he's, doing a trifo

and I just want one component in the trifling it's my favourite bit but you know you get those they're not like sponge

little sponge fingers and they soak up a bit of jelly yes get rid of them oh get rid of that shit yeah

no no no they won't last two seconds in the vice get rid of them they crumble yeah yeah what my dad would do is it cut up

a Swiss roll into slices it's putting that on the base and then you're pouring hot jelly over that yeah

and then when When it sets, the sponge has taken on the jelly. And you get like a mixture of sponge and jelly. It's like a jelly sponge cake. Yeah. It's such a... I'm laughing at this because I've had... This is very common, Ian. No, why.

But have you had it with Swiss Role? Yes. It is delicious. And I'm fully in your corner on it. Seems like believing you've invented things runs in the family. Yeah. My dad never claims to be invented. But I want...

I love the... The cake absorbing jelly and the bit of icing that doesn't absorb anything and that's just there. So I want a fuck tonne if you're allowed to say that of cakes.

But they're in a bowl. I want you to cut up Swiss roll, chocolate and plain. I want Battenberg sliced up. Wow. Wack it all in a bowl to the rim.

Then I want hot jelly poured over it. I want all to get soaked up. Red jelly? Red jelly. Yeah. Red jelly. or I'd even take lime. Okay.

Put it in the fridge and then I'd just cut me out a big slice of that. Jellied cake. So yeah, jelly. Is it jellied cake or cake's jelly to jelly, would you say? Jellied cake. Yes. Because it's more cake than jelly. Yeah, and the cake is becoming jellified.

Yeah. But you can't cake jelly, I don't think. Okay. Yes. You can jelly cake, you can't cake jelly. Yeah. The jelly is affecting the situation here. That's the way you remember it.

You can jelly a cake, but you can't cake a jelly. I'm sure they could cake a jelly. Cake is a, you can cake stuff. But I guess. Yeah. You can be caked in jelly. Oh, yeah, it can be cached in cake. We know what the next t-shirts are going to be merch-wise.

You can't jelly a cake. I think that's great. I can't fault that. I would like to eat that any day of the week. That's delicious. Yeah, I'm happy with that. And it is the best part of a try-oh, I don't know. Actually, the rest of a trifle is pretty brilliant.

Yeah, I like cost of it, but I would be sad if that. was gone. Yeah, yeah. I'd say a lot of your dishes are just loads of things just thrown together. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is what they are, yeah. I think you could eat a lot, I think you could eat your whole meal with a spoon. Mm. It's good. Yeah. Blood risotto.

Wafflewa. Yeah, the lamb. That's falling apart. Yeah. Yeah. No, you could. Yeah. Yeah, just put a spoon out.

Great. That's your dessert. So thanks, thank you. Thanks, thank you. Cheers, thanks very much. Cheers, thanks. See you later, mate. So what do you want?

What chocolate did you want? Go on then. You've got a specific bit of chocolate. I just got a favorite thing. And if you've never had it before, I've got one in my bag that you can try a bit of. I love these so much. A peppermint slice.

Yes. You know your millionaire shortbread? Yeah. The caramel's gone. Right. And it's peppermint cream. Yeah. And they only really do them in like Aberdeen,

like sort of Northern Scotland. And any time I go to Aberdeen and see my family, I will walk around. around Aberdeen to try and find a bakery that's got one. I've walked for ages to a cafe near the docks, actually, in my sort of comfortable environment. Because a review from 2002 said the peppermint squares were nice. I went, they weren't doing him anymore.

They had a mint Maltese or Tiffin, but that's not the same. But I had to get one of them because I can't go into a cafe, like a bakery and just go, not for me, and walk out. I'll tell you what, you can do that. Yeah, you can do that. Really? You can go in any place, look around and go. actually I don't want any of this

and walk out and that's on them they won't go what a fucking weird yeah he didn't buy a have a nice day thanks very much

really that's absolutely that's changed my life yeah how much stuff have you bought in the past out of awkwardness

a mondaya I barely drive can't drive a manual anymore that's what I got yeah but I'd like a bit of peppermint

square a peppermint square and you got some in your bag yeah do you want have you ever had one let me look let me have a look just to see

I want to see what is actually what you mean because your description of it was pretty funny. Peppermint slides. Oh, wow. No, I've not had one of them. How have you found it in London? Well, my mum and dad got me a little batch of them for Christmas.

Oh, that's nice. For the listener, it's January 6th right now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, if this comes out, I dare you to put it out in August with me talking about Christmas. I dare you.

They've gone for Christmas and I still haven't finished them. Yeah, of course. Now, whatever time you're listening, I haven't finished him. Yeah. How many did they get you? Oh, they'll have been a good, like, five.

Yeah. Is this the last one? Yeah. They know you love them. Oh, yeah. I love them so much. I think it's about, I love mint. Once, have you ever in New Zealand, in Auckland,

we've been to the Red Lady. They call it the White Lady, the van? No. It's like a famous kind of food, street food van. It's been around there for ages. It's in a part of Auckland where it's open really late, but the people around the van are quite scary. One of the flavours milkshake,

Flavors milkshake that they do is spearmint. He's saying it like it's a riddle. The flavour's milkshake. Which flavour's milkshake? Do you sound like I live under a bridge and I'm getting like a riddle. Milkshake flavours three. Chocolate vanilla or strawberry. That's good.

Oh, that's nice. I can be a trough. Improvised riddle. Yeah. Not bad. But yeah, they did spearmint, and I thought, I'll try that. Just a big fucking drink of tooth-paste. Awful.

Worst thing I've ever had in my life. What I always love is when someone mentions a place. By name. Benito's Googling it, big buildup. And it ends with you saying they do something that's disgusting. The milkshakes are disgusting, but the burgers are lovely. Yeah. Even that out.

What kind of lady was it? White lady. It was a white lady, there you go. I imagine you're back now. See how you feel about it. Okay. Water, you want blood Popums or bread

And you wanted that You want that Populums or bread You want a basket of rowies I guess Rory or buttery Butteries

Potato dampies Dampies Dampus Dampus Potato dampus What he's making In the Drenpoys He's put dampies here

Bonito has written dampies here And he's loving it Starter Haggis salmon And Saffron Rosotto Brackets McCollip Surprise Main course

Slow-Cooked lamb with black and dumpy carrots and waffle wire potatoes, which is your side dish is waffle wire potatoes. Drink, Fentermans, dandelion and burdock,

dessert, jellied cake, followed by a peppermint square. It sort of snuck up on me how fucking mad that menu is. When you hear it back. It is mad. My original water choice

was going to be bobbing for apples. Was it? Oh, I'm disappointed we didn't get to that way. It was boring. I thought it was bob for apples. Have you ever bobbed for apples before? Successfully? Yeah, I think I've got an apple, yeah.

Wow. So the water choice is bobbing for apples. Are you hoping you'll accidentally take some water on to hydrate? Yeah. Yeah, that's the plan. Well, we'll let you do that as well. The blood, you know, blood blood on the side. Yeah, at the end.

Or bob for apples, but in blood. Oh, yeah. Very Halloweeny. Bob for blood oranges. Yeah. Yeah. You're not even getting to eating once you've got them, you'll get them and then peel them.

Awful. Peels blood oranges in blood. I'm a bobthrum. Ian, you're one of those guests where it takes ages because everything that anyone mentioned, any word, you've got a story about it? Yeah. You find that?

I try and come with anecdotes. And listen, we have a secret ingredient every week. Oh, yeah. I was nervous about that. And for you... It was harsh this week. Because I was like, because of a gul, I was like, we should make salt and pepper the secret ingredient.

But only if you specify you want some salt and pepper in there. And when you said, I didn't even want pepper, yeah. When you said the, I was like, I mean, you've absolutely swerved it. Yeah, yeah. You specifically swerved the secret ingredient. That makes it look like Benito's given me a tip-off. No, he would have loved it.

Don't say so much. He loves it when it goes wrong. Ian, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant. Thank you. Thank you, Ian. Thank you so much to Ian for coming on the part. Oh, Ian Smith. We went through a lot of time.

He's got a, I mean, I don't know what's going to make it in, what's going to not make it in, but I hope it makes sense. What will definitely make it in is Ian deliberately saying he didn't want pepper. Yes. He wanted haggis instead. That was great. Yeah. Because like, you know, he didn't know, obviously. Yeah.

So he's actually gone out of his way to not put pepper on a dish by using haggis instead. He definitely didn't say the secret ingredient. He gets to stay in the restaurant. What I would say is that the pepperyness in haggis comes from pepper. but I didn't want to go down that road No especially because he would have been like Why am I being so interrogated on this particular But even just the idea of saying

You can put haggis on something and you don't have to use pepper Yeah You are putting pepper on it Sure That's what you're doing Meaty pepper and oats and stuff Yeah The best pepper maybe

The best pepper meaty pepper meat pepper meat pepper Meat pepper Dr Pepper's older brother Yes Tougher brother Tough yeah Of meat pepper yeah meat pepper Yeah, meat pepper.

Fights his battles for him. Yeah. Crushing is out now. Watch Ian Smith and his new comedy special. You'll be so glad that you did. Of course, our dear old friend Ian Smith is on tour now with foot spa half empty. For dates and tickets, go to Ian Smithcomedian.com. And listen to Northern News.

His podcast with Amy Gladhill. It's very, very funny. And show what? Watch all the Vain McGled Hill stuff. Yeah. While we're here. Oh, come on. We can't be using Ian's episode to play.

Gamey stuff. Come on. Just do the whole northern news world. Yes, okay. You know, store that and listen to all the plosive podcasts. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. We will see you next week.

We will see you next week. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe, but this time, why not look a little further? To Dubai, a city that everyone talks about and has absolutely everything you could want from a vacation destination. From world-class hotels, record-breaking skyscrapers,

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