Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Jen Brister (Tasting Menu)

Episode Date: October 15, 2025

It’s another Tasting Menu episode, and this time stand-up, activist and original cheeseboard-picker Jen Brister returns for a hellish menu.Jen Brister is on tour now with ‘Reactive’. For dates and tickets go to jenbrister.co.ukDonate to All Our Relations at allourrelations.co.ukFollow Jen on Instagram and TikTok @jenbristercomedyWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 16 Oct.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Morgan from Off the Shelf, and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures, new movie Regretting You, a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's best-selling book, Regretting You. If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Fultonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready. Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances, I am prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast starring Alison Williams, Mechanic,

Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Fames, and so many more. Go see Regretting You only in Theaters October 24. Uh-oh. It's a tasting menu. I love the tasting menus. Is there anything I say at the top? I think, well, no, because normally you look confused because I don't do my normal intro to the pod. It's the off-menu podcast, by the way. But it's a tasting menu, which means we have a previous guest on,

and we give them the menu of another previous guest. It's a really good format. It's a really good format, and it's been a hit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's been a hit. It's been a hit. And guess who we got? I don't need to guess.

I don't need to guess. I know who we've got. This week, being given an off-menu-tasting. the menu is Jen Brister. The wonderful Jen Brister. What a fantastic

comedian and person she is, James. Such a wonderful comic. Now, when Jen was on this podcast originally, I was very mean to her and shouted at her.

She was one of the first people, the earliest people, to choose a cheeseboard. Yeah. I absolutely flew off the handle. I was livid.

So this might be more of a redemption episode for me. Yes, I think so. Yeah, I can maybe learn from my past behavior, conduct myself with a bit

more dignity and, This is just practiced some good manners, I think. It hasn't happened yet, I don't think, in your life. Not yet. Where you've learned from previous mistakes and conducted yourself in a sort of human and polite way. Yes, and that's what makes it so excited. I might finally do it.

Yeah. And I'd be pretty happy with that. You know, Jen's a good opportunity. Yes. I think Jen would allow me that. I do worry that maybe already not done that because the menu that we're going to give Jen is the menu of Joel Domit

we're giving her Joel Domit's menu So it's instantly rude of us The first bad menu we had on the podcast I think And still is probably up there With the worst ever Yeah it's really The listeners still haven't let it go

No It's still not out of his life Yeah And we're about to introduce it To someone else's life Who I'm pretty sure Has no idea about it And does not want it

Jen will not want this No I can't imagine Jen wanting this meal It would have been something, if we got back, you know, someone who had had a bad menu and gave them this, they, I mean, that would be interesting to do in the future. In the future, we should probably get someone whose menu was awful, give them another awful menu, and they might be like, this is delicious, I love it. Yeah. But this is not to be the case today. We're deliberately annoying Jen, because it's funny to us when Jen gets angry. Jen is very funny when she's angry. So, yeah, I mean, we're just getting a friend on and ruining their day. Yes, apologies, Jen, because Jen is a wonderful person. She's doing wonderful things at the moment. Her non-profit, all our relations, is fantastic. They put gigs on, but also you can go to their website and donate.

They're helping families in Gaza, supporting them in crisis, providing them with legal, logistical, and emotional support that they need to rebuild their lives with dignity. So you can give monthly, you can donate today. Whatever you want to do, whatever you can give, obviously, at the minute, the situation in Gaza, needs all of us behind it and all of us helping everybody there. I mean, it is, as it says on the website, a crisis. Yes, absolutely.

So go to all our relations.co.com. UK, and you can donate to this brilliant non-profit, which is helmed by the amazing Jen Bristair. Having said all of that, we love Jen, and we love all the work she's doing, both creatively and for charity, but we have got her into the studio to make her angry. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't reflect great on us,

really, when you think about it. It doesn't reflect very well on us at all, but, you know, rarely do we come. out of this podcast smelling of roses. No, very true. No secret ingredient today though, so Jen will not be kicked out. She'll just have to live in her anger. Yes. So you can thank us for that.

So let's get on with it. This is the tasting menu of Jen Brista. Welcome back, Jen, to the dream restaurant. Good to see you, Jen. Wow, guys, after the last time I was here, so much has happened. And my tastes have changed dramatically.

Have they? Yes. So whatever you're going to offer me, I think you know what I'm going to like, but you don't. Because honestly, as you get older, your tastes, they really, they can do a complete handbrake turn. Really? Yeah. So talk us through it then compared to, because it's been a long time since you've been

in the dream restaurant. It's been a long time. And I feel like last time there was some kind of a hoo-haer about dessert. Right. Yeah, you chose a cheeseboard. Yeah. I chose a cheeseboard, which. Oh, I just remembered that I'd forgotten.

Yeah. How could you forget that? One of the first people to cheese a cheeseboard. Because a few people have since. Chosen a cheeseboard. Did they get the same reaction that I got when I chose? Okay, good, fine, because that was quite extreme. The worst was on, we did one on Zoom during lockdown with Dolly Alderton and James

shut his laptop and logged out the Zoom. Why, what did Dolly choose? Cheeseboard. Oh, good for her. That's the treatment she got. This is exactly why Dolly and I connect, over cheese. Over cheese. Yeah.

But have your tastes changed? My taste may have changed. So I don't want you to be assuming that I will be anti-pudding. Are you telling me that you would choose a actual dessert now? Yeah, I might. Like if we were to do your dream menu all over again, you might not choose a cheese boy. I might not. Wow.

Something to think about. You still like cheese, right? I still love cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But maybe I had an effect on you, I had an influence on you. But, yeah, it was tough love, but it's changed you for the better. Is that what you're saying? No.

I'm just saying that I've matured. Like a fine cheddar. Like a fine, exactly. I'm just saying that I'm more complicated than you think I am. I'm a complex individual. And I think you may have put me into the cheese zone. And I want to say that I want you to know that this could go anywhere today. Well, maybe I should apologise my previous behaviour when you're on the podcast.

It was a bit too reactive looking back. Oh, okay. I thought it was a genuine apology. It was a link into your tour, Jen. I loved it. Let's talk about reactive. It's going. You're hitting the road.

You must be excited. I know that you love going on tour. I do, James, thank you. I am, as we know, a very positive individual that loves being on the road. And that hasn't changed since I've turned 50. No, I'm really looking forward to it. The UK Island in October.

So, yeah. Amazing. Amazing. It's very exciting. And, like, is there anything you can reveal about the show yet? What do you mean? Is there any subjects? Is it about it?

Is there... It's reactive? It's me reacting to things and we... Is it like a YouTube thing where you play clips, viral clips and then you react to them? Is it you reacting to your own viral clips?

Oh yeah, because you've got viral clips now. I have got viral. When we originally had you on the podcast? I wasn't viral. You weren't viral. No, I was a no one. You were nothing.

I was a nobody. And you guys picked me up off the curb. Yeah, yeah. Scraped me off. But Nito said, should we get Joan Bristre on the show? And me and James went, she's nothing.

I said who. I know. Even though we'd worked together for a good 10 years, you still didn't know who I was sticking in the head. Yeah, 2009, we did Edinburgh together. Yeah, you were in a gold lame suit, never forget. It was your gold lame suit. It was your gold lame suit.

It was the final night of the fringe, and Jen wore a wonderful gold lame, how would you describe it? I would call it a onesie. Onezie for her final performance. And when she came off stage, I hadn't planned anything. I said, go and get changed again, and then I'm wearing that. Yeah, and so Ed came out. in. Yeah, I mean, it was good. I enjoyed it. You can address the elephant in the room. I was a lot

fatter. Yeah. And also, there was a lot to see. There was a lot going on. You had to defocus your eyes below the waist. Other than that. I looked like a fat Oscar. You looked gorgeous. Yes. Oh, no, I know. There was a reason I wore it. It's for. Well, it's for comedy. It's for comedy. And for hotness. For the hotness. But now here I am. And despite my celebrity, here I am back on the podcast a mystery for both of you I mean this tool is going to be huge I already know

it's going to be sold out every single night I don't know why we're bothering promoting it you're a big deal now Bristol this is going to be jam-packed I hope so I hope to do buy a ticket yes the I'm doing London is at the Apollo

and so that's slightly stressful as I'm sure both of you have done it before but I haven't so yeah that's a bit of a stress but you know buy a ticket but also I'm very relaxed about it Yeah, he's been pretty chill about the whole thing.

I do, I am. Are you going to pick on the front row? No, I don't. I'm going to pick on the front row. No, because it's not. They might be scared. It's on the front row. Heckler's welcome.

No, heckler's not welcome. I didn't pick on them. I'm literally not going to. You can guarantee that I won't be talking to anyone. I've written a show. Yeah, yeah. I've written actual jokes. Just come and have a laugh at those.

What if someone's wearing a really funny hat on the front row? Are you going to mention the hat? And you're like 100 dates in. Yeah. You know, you've done the material. billion times and you look down and there's someone and they're wearing like a big like a big for like a hand for a hat

like it's a huge hand on their head. What? Why are you wearing that? Well, they go. You have to ask you. You don't know that. You're going to look. Okay. Am I going to comment on that? Are you asking me? Well, yeah. You can't do a show called reactive and then ignore someone with a big hand hat. I think that's. Like with people

where to gladiators. But also they're going to be blocking the people behind them. Of course I'm going to yeah. I'm going to say that. Yeah. And if you're filming it, you get a viral clip out of that. Yeah, you go viral again. You love that. Yeah, I mean, that's, thanks for the tips, guys. I'll take it up.

It's all on board now, and I can't wait for the person with a hand hat. In fact, I might actually have, if you see a clip going out, it isn't a plant that was suggested by James Acosta and Ed Gamble. No, it is actually me reacting to something in the room. You're welcome. You're going to be livid if that actually happens now. I'm fucking furious. Hand hat on, you know it's because they listen to this bloody podcast.

I don't know that your fans are completely batshit. That's the kind of thing that they do. Oh, let's go for a send. The same Jim Brista is hilarious. Viral. So the front of though with a hand hat on. Yeah. And then you go into them.

Yeah. Go to brister.com.com.com for tickets. Yes. Go. Get yourself one. You won't regret it. So good at promo, Jen. I know.

It's one of my 40. Thank God the things went viral. Otherwise, I'm fucked. We've got a tasting menu for you, Jen. Yeah, I'm excited. As you know, we're going to basically be presenting you with the menu of another guest who's been on. So this is a previous guest that we've had and you're going to be having their dream meal. Okay.

Who are you hoping for? Is there anyone who, you know, you know so many guests that have been on this podcast. Is there any that you would say, I hope it's that person. I hope I get their menu. I was hoping to have Miriam Margly's menu, but you've already given that away. Straight away to John Cairns' first one. I cannot believe I didn't get Miriam Margulies. That would have been the perfect fit for me.

I know. I know I would have loved it. Whatever it was, it would have been right at my alley. So that's who I was hoping for. I didn't get Miriam. So I'm going to go, Paul Rudd. You like Paul Rudd's menu. Yeah, why not?

Yeah, that was a solid menu from memory. That's a good menu. I think you'd like that. Nothing too controversial. Jen, can I ask a question? Yeah. Because you know that we're picking the menu for you. And as we said before, before we started recording,

We said we, you know, sometimes we pick menus that we think that people will like or they'll find interesting or that we'll get a reaction out of them for. Okay. What sort of reaction do you think we're shooting for from you when we're picking the menu? Ed, I am pretty much 100% certain that both you and James have picked a menu that you think I am going to hate. Am I correct? Well, we'll see. We'll see. But we're not going to like.

You've changed your taste as well. We can't predict you, Jen. I absolutely know this is going to be a menu I'm not going to like. But here we go. Well, you've changed. You said. I have changed since the first time you're in the dream restaurant. That's true. Okay. Well, let's see. What have you got for me?

Who's been, am I allowed to know whose menu it is or is it happened at the end? Joel Domit's menu. Joel, okay. So there's going to be a lot of meat. Meat heavy? We'll see. Okay. You don't seem scared. You seem quite happy about it. Nice guy. Joel's a nice guy.

I love Joel. Joel was one of the earliest episodes and there was, you know, a lot of reaction online for his menu. So it was popular. Okay. It was a big, Joel's menu, I'd say, was a big moment in the history of this podcast. I'm going to say there's going to be too much food. Okay, that's interesting.

Because he's, because he's, like, ripped and he works out a lot. There's going to be, it's going to be protein heavy, right? It's going to be like six roast chickens. It's going to be a steak. You're going to be like, some of the steak is raw, and maybe a pint of, like, whole milk at three points of Guinness. Guinness. Yeah, he likes Guinness.

and the dessert's going to be like vomit making. It's going to be gross. Yeah? Yeah, this is what I'm predicting. And then he's burning it off in the gym. Well, I won't be burning it off in the gym. That's the problem. But yes, and then he'll be like, you know, pressing, pulling, punching.

Pressing pulling and punching. Yeah, that's what he does. It's classic three peas. Look, nice and easy to start. He's got some sparkling water. Okay. I like sparkling water. Fantastic.

We're on a great start. Great. Okay. I can't remember if you chose still or sparkling. I think I chose sparkling water. So that's good. And also I chose bread, which both of you were appalled by. Really?

You chose bread? Yeah, there was bread. There was bread or something else I could choose. Pomodoms, but we were appalled that you chose bread. Yeah, you said, James, you in particular like, oh, no, bread. I gave up bread ages ago. Bread's for losers. And I was like, yeah, who eats bread anymore?

I do. I love bread. I don't feel like we would have said that. It doesn't feel like you would have said that. I didn't say that. I eat bread all the time. Good, good for you. Yeah.

Were you trying to make Jen so angry in the first time we recorded? Yeah, maybe. Everything Jen said, you said. Who's eating bread? Ibs. Maybe I did for a laugh. Because James does give things up quite a lot. I think you'd given up bread at the time.

Maybe you'd given up bread. I think you were something about gluten. You were bread free. Maybe. And I turned up saying, I love bread and you were appalled. Wow. Yeah. I've changed, I guess.

Have you? Are you, which bread are you into? All of them. Yeah. I love them. I love bread. You know, I'm not eating it all the time, but like, pretty regularly. Yeah. Had some nice bread yesterday. I had some sourdough for catcher yesterday. Oh, amazing. Delicious with some olive oil.

Bread and that butter. And sometimes they put salt on top of the butter. What's that about? Yeah. Delicious. Well, it needs it. I mean, you know, the more salt the better, I say. That's what I say. Hey, I had some bread at the weekend. What kind? Gales, sourdough. Okay.

And for the starter, I made toasted sourdough with bone marrow. Did bone marrow in the oven with a shallot and parsley salad, St. John's style. I forgot to ask you how that went. That sounds. You're full gourmet now. Yeah, that was full gourmet. That was a rare gourmet. You are.

That's quite, I mean, I don't know anyone that's like, oh, just for lunch, I just got the old bone marrow out. Yeah. I mean, I'm not doing that every week. No, but he, um, do you know where he got it from? He got it from a butcher's that he likes. And it's because he watched the finale of Severance. And he was so, like, he had so much adrenaline. then afterwards, just pinging around in his body and so much energy, that he walked two hours

to the Butchers and then he decided, when he was at the Butchers, he decided to buy some meat so he could have his dinner. My favourite Butchers is two hours walk from my house. So quite often when I go there, I'll go, I'm just going to walk to the Butchers because it makes me feel like I'm in Charles Dickens' time. Oh, I didn't know it's the Charles Dickens. We're walking to the Butchers in London on a nice day, you know. Hello, everyone. Top of the morning. Waving at kids and stuff. I mean, why is it two hours away from? There's nothing closer. I think it probably is something closer, but I just decided I like that butchers. Wow, two hours is quite the schlep for some bone marrow.

And then two hours back, a four-hour round trip. I didn't want back. I got a new, but go ahead. Okay, fair play. I bought a steak as well. I bought a big Galician ribeye bone on the bone. What? I mean, this is fair. I don't think I have a butcher's near me where they do that. You can get sausages and you can get mints. I think if you call them and ask for bone marrow. Yeah, they definitely do. Because they'll have bones knocking around. They're a byproducts of what they do.

Something to look forward to. Is there anyone or anything, and don't just say no straight away, that you would walk two hours for, if you think about it? What, in terms of food? No, just anyone or anything, anyone in your life that you would walk two hours to see, if you're honest? Say you kids, Jim. Well, obviously my children. You would walk two hours?

Of course I'd walk two hours to see my family. I would walk two hours to see my brother. And I think there were certain friends of mine. I would make that effort. Name the fence. I can't. Name them. I'm not going to name them because if I named them, they're going to be like, oh, why wasn't I named?

Yeah, yeah. Come on. Okay, I'm going to see my friend, Julia Westwood. That's her maiden name, not her married name. But that's how I always know her. And I'm seeing her tonight, and I would walk two hours to see her. Yeah. But you don't believe in her marriage.

I don't acknowledge her wedding, and I don't acknowledge her. Julia Marshall is her But I know who's Julia Westwood Do you know when you know someone from the right When you're a little, that is their name And whenever I say her name It's always Julia Westwood I never just say Julia.

She is, I'm going to see Julia Westwood How's Julia Westwood? Julia Westwood's great. Yeah, sometimes I still accidentally call my sister by her maiden name, which is my name. It's your name. Spoiler of that. Yeah, of course.

I feel pathetic. I've still got my sister's maiden name. You haven't moved on, James. It's such a loser. You can take on another name. That's really sad. sister's maiden name. Why don't you take your sister's married name?

Yeah, yeah. I should do that, really. Be a grown-up, move on with my life. Instead, I've still got the name that she had when she was a little baby. Really embarrassing. Walking around calling myself James Akeaster. Like a toddler. One day, you will be a grown-up, but today's not that day.

Yeah. Oh, that is, that is disappointed, actually. Now I'll see it like that. Well, good news on the bread front, Joel did choose bread. He chose non-bread. Narn, sorry, not Narn, but I just said the awful, the white faux par, I'm saying Narn bread. You're just supposed to say Narn? Ngu, I said bread, bread, didn't I?

Bread, bread, oh yeah, of course. Narn, I like Narn. What kind of Narn? Just plain Narn, garlic Narn. I mean, he didn't seem to give her, I imagine it was probably Peshwari. It's probably the one with all. No, my least favourite. Is that your favourite? Peshwari.

Let's rank Narns for God's sake. I think garlic Narn is my favourite. Garlic Narns Nour, you know. I think garlic Narn is the one I'd always go for because it's got a little. little something extra, but it's not, it's accompanying the meal. It's not invading the meal. Exactly. Yeah. And it's got butter on it. That's great. It's a little bit salty. It's got the garlic on it. The Peshwari Nung, what's that? It's got, was it coconut? Coconut. Sultanas sometimes in there. I mean, I do like it, I will say. With a very, very spicy tomato-based

curry, it does work. If it's like super spicy, it cuts through the spice quite nicely. See, this is why I do this podcast with this guy. He knows stuff like that. I was about to say, my problem with Pichron 9 is like, where do you even put it in a meal? Like, where do you have it? He knows. Ed knows. Well, that's where I do it, but, you know, different tastes for different... I don't know. For me, it's like, do I want...

Do I want a pudding with my tomato-based curry? No. No. Well, that's fair enough. It's like having one of those... What are those? I think macaroons. Yeah? Yeah, I don't want a macaroon with why. You think Pechroarri-9 is the equivalent of... Yeah, yeah. That is like

some of macarine with a gel phrasing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Kemanan is another option, which is mint, the meat one. Yeah, mince meat one. But that one can be okay if it's got loads of chili in it. Yeah.

You had a really kemen arm with mince and very, very, very spicy green chili. Oh, just get in there. Nice. But also, like, I find that that one feels like a meal in and of itself. In and of itself, yeah. So, like, I wouldn't put it as high as garlic. I'd be garlic number one. Then keema, then Pichwari, then the plain one last.

They do a cheese one in some places, don't know. Oh. What? What? I'm pretty sure at Kisma in Edinburgh they do it. Oh, they do like a, yeah, like a Paneer one. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, Kismma do some wide.

I'm okay with Peneer. You'd be okay with the Peneer now? You don't seem like you would be. Well, I just felt your reaction originally was like, what? No. I thought I just said to see it for seeing it. What that's what are you talking about? Just upend the table.

Just for the listener because Benito will edit himself out. Joel said. Yeah. the Popadoms, but he thought he was saying Narn. Right. So in his head, he was saying... Popatoms are Narn? That's what he thought.

Okay. He thought that Popadoms and Narn, so he was getting confused. But then he realized that Popadoms weren't Narn, and that's why he went for Narn. I think we probably had to tell him. My family was watching Mar Singer together. Oh, he's so good on that. He's so good on it. He's amazing on it.

He's amazing on it. And my dad, you know, he's not the best at just keeping a thoughtful. thought in his head just went, he's so strikingly attractive. Strikingly attractive man. He really is. He's very easy on the eye. And when he takes his top off, everyone's looking. Everyone's looking. We're all having a look, aren't we? We can't help ourselves. Yeah. We're looking. We're only human. Am I right? Yeah. We're not made out of stone.

No, but he is. He's chisels. He's been carved by Grafayel. The turtle. Yes, the turtle. Joel's dream starter, which is what you're going to have. Okay, all right, let's go. This is where we're really getting. Okay, this is where we're going to get into it.

We'll get into the proper meal. Yeah, because we've been fine. We've had sparkling water and none, and I'm really happy. I'm going to tell you what he ordered, and we're also going to tell you the reason why he ordered it. Okay. Nachos, because you never know how big they're going to be. What are you talking about?

Nachos, because you never know how big they're going to be. What does that even mean? So what you don't know if they're going to be a starter or a mate? Well, he's ordered it for a start. But he's like, you never know how big the nachos are going to be when you order them. And he likes the surprise of how much you get. So you might get too many nachos and he's like, wow, this is great. Yeah.

Or you might not get enough nachos. I mean, no one's never had not enough nachos. Yeah, that's a very good point. I mean, I've never seen a plate of nachos and thought, what this needs is more nachos. Yeah. I've thought, okay, there's never enough topping. Sure. Too many nachos, not enough cheese, not enough of the guacamole and the nice stuff.

And then all this dry, I don't get nachos. Natchos are an abomination. They are abhorrent. And I would never order nachos. If it was the last thing on the menu, I would not order nachos. Natchos is for children. Sure, my kids eat nachos. I am 50 years of age.

Why am I eating crisps with cheese on top? I am an adult. Joel, you made a terrible decision. And if you're listening to this, shame on you. Too many people have been nice to him about this menu, so it's good. I don't know if you said what you're saying. you wanted on them. I mean, basically... No, he did. He said, chicken.

Chicken? Oh, yeah, sorry. The worst, the worst topping. That is the worst topping you could put on nachos. And it won't be nice, chicken. No. Whatever you're getting on top of a nacho, it's always bottom of the... It's that squeasy, weird cheese and the jalapeno things from a jar, and that salsa, it's like, that's not salsa. What is this?

Yeah. And then the chicken? I don't even know. I mean, it's not even chicken. Yeah, it's like, bits of, like, shredded chicken on there, I guess. You know, with the watery salsa and the plastic cheese. Does Joel like food? Well, you just draw your own conclusions as the menu progresses really,

if Joel likes food or not. I'm not eating nachos, so they've gone to one side. You won't eat them? Are your kids with you? They can eat them? My kids can eat them, sure. And Chloe, my partner, she'll eat them. She loves nachos.

Oh, there you go. I know. I don't even know how we got together. I'm like, this is unacceptable. At what age do you think you stop? Were you like, now, I'm old enough now, I can. reject nachos. I don't think I ever like nachos.

I don't think even as a kid I was like, wow, I think the first time I had nachos, I was probably not that young, maybe like 20 or something. And I was like, why are we eating this? What is this? I mean, it's fine, it's not a meal. I mean, I completely agree with that. Whenever I get excited to order nachos, if I've not had them in a long time. But then they arrive and you look at all the toppings and you're really excited.

And then you realize there's four layers of completely dry crisps underneath. And it's impossible to... To maneuver. What you really need is a bowl of crisps and then all the toppings in bowls in front of you. So you can just dip a good one. Yes. But also the other thing I don't like about nachos, you're sharing nachos often. And everyone's double dipping.

Yeah. They're having a bite of a crisp and then they're dipping it back in and then they're having a bit. What are you doing? Yeah. I'm not, you're never just eating watery salsa. You're eating watery salsa mixing with your friend's spittle and, you know. Especially if you're eating them with your kids, right? Oh.

Little illness machine. Yes, with their little feral fingers. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, I love all my nephews, but any time something like that is on the table, I'm like, you go for it, guys. I'm not sharing that with you. Yeah.

No, and you're right not to. We're all going to get COVID at the end of these nachos. Yeah, these are COVID nachos. This is pre-COVID. This is Joel's nachos. This is pre-COVID when he chose them. So that's a good question. That's a good question.

Now, are we giving you pre-COVID nachos? Because that's when Joel chose it. Or is there the risks of COVID and everything? I'm going to say that these are probably post-COVID nachos. I don't think the pre-COVID nachos would have survived. When restaurants came back, did they wait longer to bring, like, chain Mexican restaurants back? Because of the naches, because of the COVID. Yeah.

I think you probably find that Oaxackers was closed for a lot longer than Lugamomaz. They refused to take nachos off the menu. They're like, we belong, nachos belong on our menu. And, in fact, I don't even know if they have nachos. They've got those posh nachos, haven't they? Yeah, I'm not sure they do. Baked nachos. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, but they're no better.

No. Wagamam was hit hard with the social distancing, though. Yeah, that's true. Because they fucking love to cram them in, don't they? They love it. They love it to be opposite, next door, on top. It was always going to come back and bite them. The way we work here is we'll put you on top of this person.

Is that all right? If you just sit directly on them, they're absolutely fine. They'll be leaving in five. So you haven't eaten the nachos, fair enough. You've not even pecks at them? What's, did we talk about the topping? You said chicken. Chicken and cheese and...

Well, because he's not specified. I mean, there's obviously going to be cheese on that chicken. Oh, guacamole. There's some guacamole on there. Made in Mexico properly, because that was one of his nice memories. Oh, okay. So decent guacamole. Being in Mexico with Nish and having some guacamole made fresh for them,

and it being incredible. Okay, well, fresh-made guacamole tastes completely different and is definitely worth a dip. It goes lovely with chicken nachos. I've dodged the chicken, and I've dodged the chicken, and I've just headed for the guack. Yes. Okay.

Yeah, you've dipped a few chips in the guam. How are you thinking about the sour cream? Saline, only if the salsa's great. Yeah. If the salsa's great, you need a bit of sour cream, but if the salsa's shit, we don't need sour cream. He didn't specify if the salsa was good. He was guack focused.

He was very guack focused. Joel, we're going to have to have words. Hi, it's Morgan from Off the Shelf, and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures' new movie regretting you, a film adaptation of... Colleen Hoover's best-selling book, Regretting You. If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Fultonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready.

Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances, I am prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast starring Alison Williams, McKenna Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Thames, and so many more. Go see Regretting You Only in Theater's October 24th. Your main course, this is Joel's dream main course. Okay. This is going to be meat-heavy a bit.

Chips, beans, sausages and cheese. Get the fuck out. Chips, be, he can have any fucking meal. He's had nachos and now chips, beans, sausage and cheese. What the fuck is wrong with Joel? Well, you're having it as well, Jen. I don't want chips. Because the canteen at school

That's why he wanted it. That's why he wanted it. It reminds him of the canteen at school. He wanted chips beans. Because he wanted to be reminded of shit food when he was a teenager. Yeah, well, I think there were nice memories for him being in the school canteen.

I think Joel had a nicer time at school than most people. I think he did. I mean, I don't have like horrendous memories, but I don't have hugely happy memories. And I certainly don't have happy memories of being in the canteen. Yeah. Chips, cheese and beans.

And you had that because literally everything else was inedible. Yeah. They'd sometimes do like a breaded chicken thing or they'd do fish and chips and the fish was like, you know, like entirely batter and then you'd look, there'd be zero fish in there. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever have the rib? Do you remember the rib? What was the rib? What? And definitely did not have the rib. Didn't have a rib at mine. Like, no, it was like reconstituted meat. Oh, yeah. It was like a patty, but like pressed into the shape of vaguely of a rib because it had like different segments going along it.

I covered in like really sweet barbecue sauce. Do you remember it? No. No. I don't remember that. Yeah, bad stuff. I don't think we had anything as posh as that. I mean, we literally had chips. It was not posh, I mean, you went to posh school.

That was posh. That's pot. Oh, because it was at a posh school. Yeah, yeah. It was posh. We got bad news. It's disgusting. Yeah.

But you got the good stuff. It was cheap. You didn't even know how lucky you are. You got something that resembled a rib. Yeah. We didn't even know what ribs were. We're like, what are ribs? Oh, I remember, actually, when we'd finish, we used to send the packaging

off to your school to eat. and which we used to deep fry and have with chip cheese and beans yeah we loved it we thank you we thank you for that package yeah you're dipping your rib in your quails egg

so your school canteen that was your go-to was it so what was Joe was chips was it sausage beans sausages and cheese I wouldn't have trusted the sausages at my school no way so you wouldn't have eaten no god no no way

I would have had chip cheese and even as a kid you're going I don't trust those sausages No. You have to remember, I had a Spanish mom, so we had, like, our food was nice. So I didn't really like processed crap. I mean, I was like, this doesn't, why is this sausage white? Yeah, sure. Why are we eating white sausages?

It's bizarre. Chipses and beans, I would never have touched the sausages. The fact that he's chosen sausages, I'm absolutely livid about. I, I'm so disappointed. And what am I drinking with this fucking horrible meal? We'll get to it. We'll get there. We'll get the, you got to spark the water.

That's there. You got that for the whole thing. But you've also got, he's got a drink later for you. Don't worry. So were you going, so you were having... Are we having posh chips? It's cheese, posh. This is from the canteen.

It's exactly what you said, the school canteen stuff. I can't believe you fuckers chose this menu for me. Chips, cheese and beans with gnarme bread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the nachos. And nachos. This is like the worst menu that's ever been... Yeah, famously.

Well, we can admit that now. Jen, people still to this day, Joel did this in our first year, which is 2018. Still to this day, people shout at him in the street for this menu. I'm not surprised. He gets abuse shouted at him for it. Yeah, he should. And he's like, he's a legit celebrity now and people still remember this. He's moved on.

Since he did this episode, it's now like hosting huge TV shows, everyone loves Joel. He's a big, a list of celebrity. Still gets abuse about this. Yeah, as he should. I hope it follows him to the grave. So when you're at school, you're eating this sort of stuff in the canteen. Yeah. Then you were obviously looking forward to what you were going to get when you got home.

Yeah. What sort of stuff were you getting at home? When my mum used to cook, like, really, I mean, sometimes she'd cook horrible things like stuffed peppers. We were like, but, you know, we would get calamari, or we would get, like, my mom would make homemade albondigas, or she would make croquettas, or she would make, you know, on a very special occasion, it would be paella. That would be, like, one of our birthdays. or she would just make like a Thai curry or, you know, she was cooking good food. We come home, I always look forward to dinner because I knew it was going to be great. So this is chips, cheese and beans, man.

Not good. It's not ideal, I guess. No. My mum was a good cook as well and is a good cook, but I just used to eat so much crap. I'd eat my pat lunch at morning break and then sneak into main lunch. Oh, I used to eat a lot of crap, like, from the, as soon as I got, you know, did you have a tuck shop? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Flavor. That's what it's called. Your touch shop was called Flavor? It had a name. L-A-V-A, Flavor, like the Peter Andre's song. It was named after. Flavre. Was that what it's named after?

No, it was named after the Peter Andre's song. I wish it was named after Flavis. But we knew that Peter Andre was cool and six-pack. And if when you had a six-pack, you had to eat fizzy belts and stuff like that. Yeah. It's true, man. Did your tuck shop have a name at school? If it did.

I do not remember at an all-girls Catholic school it would probably call to tuck shop and I don't remember who was selling stuff at the touch shop. Must have been a student. Cameron. Is that someone from school? Yeah, Cameron started it. It was part of his...

It started by a student. Yeah, yeah. It was part of one of... In one of his lessons, I can't remember what one was. But his project that he wanted to do was start a touch shop. So everyone else was doing stuff that was like within their actual class for that lesson.

And he was like, no, I'm going to start it at break time properly and call it flavor. This guy's a CEO now. Yeah, definitely. What's he doing? What's he own? He might be listening to him. I did bump into him once.

I mean, he's like, he's Bezoscing it somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. He's got to be. He's doing good. He's the Kettering of Bezos. I was excited when I was at school because there was the tuck shop,

but then when you went to sixth form, it was a different, it was a different common room and it was a different little tuck shop. Oh, what did make different? And that tuck shop did microwave pizzas. Wow. What an experience to have microwaved dough. Chicago Town.

Macraved pizzas, microwaved burgers. Chicago Town pizzas in the school touch shop. To this day, I love Chicago Town. Like personal-sized pizzas like that, maybe. And you open the box and then you turn the lid up and put the pizza on top of the box and then microwave it. Wow. Boiling hot.

Yeah. So sweet. Like eating cake with tomato on it. Yeah. And that's the kind of cheese that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Yeah, big time. Like Napal. Horrible.

Completely strips the skin on it with your mouth. Yeah, like those, what did they used to have? I tell you something I was fascinated by because I went around to a friend's house and they had them were crispy, Finder's crispy pancakes. Because we didn't have that sort of stuff. We didn't have that either.

That was wild to me. That bright orange crusty thing filled with lava. Yeah. It was molten lava, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You couldn't put it in your mouth. Yeah, yeah.

Never had that in our house, that sort of stuff. And always so exciting to see it in someone else's house. It's so exciting to see it. So actually, I lied. Actually, when I saw that some processed off, I was like, what is this? Yeah, yeah. Incredible.

Same with Pop-Tarts. We never had Pop-Tarts. We never had Pop-Tarts. Man, I really want to be so bad. I asked for them all the time. Me too. It was like, just the strawberry ones. Yeah, yeah.

And then did you have one? And I remember having one going, yeah. So sweet. Because it was too late when I had one. I have one like, when I was probably like. 42. Yeah. And I was like, here we go.

They can't stop me now. What that fuck? I wish they had. Yeah. Well, look, you've had some. some of that. You've had the chips, beans and cheese, have you? Yeah, I'm hungry. I've had some of it. Yeah. Are you mixing it all up? I'm mixing the cheese in with the beans. Yeah. And then probably, yeah, probably

sticking the chips in there with the beans. Yeah. Make them soggy. Okay, well, the side dish might, genuinely, I think this might turn things around a little bit. Okay. Sweet potato fries. Oh, no, I don't like sweet potato fries I don't like sweet potato Well, they're a nice accompaniment to chips I can't believe

the accompaniment to chips, cheese, sausage and beans is chips I mean... Do you want to know one of Joel's reasons for having sweet potato fries and chips? Yeah, please, let's hear it. It's because he wanted to... Because everyone says sweet potato fries are healthy

and he wanted to show that they're exactly the same he wanted to make a point that one is not more healthy than the other and how was he making that point? Well, just by having both of them. By having both of them. How was he demonstrating that they were... I think he used the podcast as a platform to... To really promote this kind of...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's important to have strong feelings. You've got to use your platform wisely. Yeah, use it wisely. If you're going to be campaigning for something, let's campaign for the fact that actually... Sweet potato fries are still bad for you. I don't like...

I would never order sweet potato fries. I don't like them. No. What is it about them that you don't like? I don't like sweet. They're on all the menus of Brighton. Are they? Jen, you live in Brighton.

How do you live in Brighton? Why do you like sweet potato fries? I just don't like sweet potato fries. That's the origin of sweet potato fries. Probably. There's a lot of stuff in Brighton's shit. And sweet potato fries is one of them. Do you want to list some other stuff?

Yeah. I don't, I mean, like, we've got enough Saturday. Yeah? Yeah, we don't need any more. I think it's lovely how you accommodate all the stanks and hens. We really do. Yeah, yeah. They can eat the sweet potato fries.

Yeah, they do. They do. with their WKD cocktails. They love it. They do love a blue cocktail. Yeah. With a penis straw, James. You'll be pleased to know.

I am pleased to know that. I'm pleased to know that. They're still going. You think penis straws ended in the 80s or the 90s? Like, no one's doing penis straws anymore. He's got loads. How many penis straws have you got? 48.

How come? I mean, look, this is well documented in my show two years ago and my, well, two tours ago and my upcoming special. But during COVID, I threw a hen party for my wife. So just me and her and I. You can only order 50 penis straws in a job lot. Right. So you used to.

Yeah, used two, but didn't want to throw them out, really, the rest of them. Because it's really bad for the environment. They're not recyclable penis straws. So now we've got a big draw full of them. And in fact, one of them is now in a plant pot as a sort of holding up the plant stalk. Yeah. Great. Yeah.

There's probably loads of uses for these penis straws. Yeah, yeah. I mean, snorkels. Obviously, for plants, you can use chopsticks. Chopsticks. That's a good idea, actually. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Coxicks. Coxicks. Yeah. She's a reviewer. She's a comedy reviewer, ain't she? Oh, Coxies? Kate Coxs.

Kate Coxicks, yeah. She's absolutely dynamite. If you're using the penis straws as a pair of chopsticks, are you going bell-end in the noodles or bell-in poking up at you? Oh, that's a really good question. I think I'm going to use the bell-ends to grip. To grip. I'm going to be gripping onto the bell-ins and using the other bits for.

to pick up my various things. That's what I do. To pick up my chips, cheese and fucking beans. And my narn bread with my penis straw fucking chopsticks. Oh, Jesus. You're enjoying the riff and then you remembered what the menu was. And then I remember the menu. You're in a waking hell.

Also, I think it's rare on a menu that you get nachos, followed by chits, followed by sweet potato fries. Yeah, that's actually quite rare. It's quite nice. It's unique, definitely. And I don't think there's many people that would choose that because most people have taste buds. Yeah, sure.

It reads like the entire menu at a student union. It really does. It, like, I'm sure at the top of this menu should be the word flavor. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still really intrigued. So I've got sparkling water, I've got narn bread.

I've got fucking chickeny nacho shit. I've got chips, cheese, beans and sausage. Yeah. And sweet potato fries. Don't forget sweet potato fries. Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries on the side. Okay, so all of this is... Are your kids eating those as well?

Yeah, my kids can have all of those, yeah. So far, they've eaten the meal, made my children. They're full. Yeah, yeah. I need a drink. I need something. What do you want? I just a glass of wine or something.

Am I having wine? It's not wine, no. It's not Guinness, is it? It's not Guinness, no. It's not Guinness, no. A lager? It's not a lager, no. Oh my God.

Is it something like a pina clada? What is it? No. Job Domit's dream drink, and this is what you're getting. It's a protein shake. So, okay, oh my God. Didn't I say it? I said it was going to be protein heavy,

but I thought it would be protein heavy with actual food stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh my God, this is absolutely. But what flavor is it? I think he said strawberry, didn't he? A strawberry? A strawberry one, yeah.

Strawberry, that's like the worst flavor. Nobody likes strawberry milkshake. No, who's eating strawberry? Strawberry milk shake, strawberry jam. They're all the worst. Strawberry's the worst flavor. He loves it. It's his favorite drink.

His favorite drink. I mean, no, I'm like, I'm hungry. That'll fill you up, though, lovely protein show. I mean, it will fill me up, but I'll feel sad afterwards. Yeah. Really sad. Maybe. Do you enjoy a protein shake now? No, of course not.

Why would I be drinking a protein shake? You said you wanted to drink a minute ago? I do. I'm something decent, like a nice glass of wine. That's what I'm gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal. But protein shakes like gym wine. Oh my God. And it's also like a pudding as well, isn't it?

Very sweet. It is really super sweet. And thick, yeah? I think thick. Depends how many scoops you put in. Of the protein powder. Yeah. I mean, this is for Joel, right?

Yeah. So this is going to be one thick protein shake. Yeah, it'll be quite a thick protein shake, I'd imagine. Oh my God, protein shape with a potato with potato with potato fries and, dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake. That could be a little treat. Yeah. Yeah.

We were horrible to Joel. I now do have protein shakes. Yeah, but you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal. God no. No. Or it's not your dream drink. It's not my dream drink. You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up so I'm going to have a protein shake.

Is that right? Sometimes I mix the powder in with yogurt. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ, that really just sounds revolting. I don't really like dairy-based drinks. Is it dairy-based? There'll be, yeah, powdered milk in there probably, I guess, to make it foamy when you shake it up.

Just whatever lesbian wants. Okay, some foamy dairy-based claggy drinks sticking to my gums. We'll give you a penis straw for it. That makes it any better. Actually, that makes it much better. Okay, well, this is... It's going to take a long time to get that... It's going to take a wild...

Yeah, I'd have to be sucking that... Yeah. Sucking that penis straw hard. Because as somebody who has penis straws, the aperture at the top is actually... Quite small. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

That's the sight to behold, isn't it? It's just me showing down on a penis straw, trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind. whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries. Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah. Hi, it's Morgan from Off the Shelf,

and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures, new movie Regretting You, a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover's best-selling book, Regretting You. If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Fultonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready. Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances,

I am prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast starring Alison Williams, McKenna Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Fames, and so many more. Go see Regretting You Only in Theatre's October 24th. I'd love to know what the dessert is, James. Sure. I mean, it's quite a nice bridge, actually, to the dessert. I think. think the protein shake, to his credit, he's thought about it. He's got like those nachos and the chips and the potato fries and that's a nice, like, thematic meal. And then the bridge, he's got the protein shakes, a little bridge to the dessert. It's a strawberry and white chocolate

cheesecake. Uh-oh. No? I thought you'd like this one. I thought this is like a nice... I've just told you how I feel about strawberry. Yeah. And I don't like white chocolate. White chocolate isn't chocolate. I don't know what the fuck it is. It's some weird, disgusting, overly sweet confection, and I don't particularly like cheesecake. So you have given me possibly the worst pudding. I thought you changed your mind. I've gone 180. I've gone 180 and now I'm 180 again. I'm 360ed. No, I'm livid. This is the most reverse. This is. Cheesecake. The kids have got to have the cheesecake. Really? It's cheesecake. Jen, you love cheese. You love cheese. Yes, but I don't like strawberry white chocolate cheesecake. No, I wouldn't eat it. Your kids are going to throw up in the car in the way,

are really sick. They're sharing it. There's two of them. It's fine. Have you let the kids have the protein shake? No, they're not having that. That will really make them sick. The protein shakes in the bin.

Yeah. I didn't, I had one go on the penis drawer. It wasn't working. I've bended it. It's gone. It's gone for good. I'm sorry to say, I didn't even think about the recycling. The penis drawer's gone with it.

Yeah, yeah. No, that's all right. You've got only 40 steps ago. I'll get in the bin. I'll go and find that penis in the bin. What a dark man The protein shake is the thing That he's got the most amount of grief for Since the podcast

Of course What do people shout at him Protein shake Wanker and you fucking prick You fucking Shit menu domit that sort of stuff Shit men you domit yeah Yeah yeah

That's gone on for what Like five years whatever it's been How many bits long of that seven years Yeah seven years Netflix tweeted about it Yeah Good to them Netflix tweeted about

Yeah someone uh i did a tweet about uh watching i'd watch the true crime series and i was like as anyone watches it's absolutely nuts and netflix replied saying not as nuts of someone choosing a protein shake as their dream drinker i was like wow that's netflix that's wow that's quite something do you remember when twitter was just like you could just go really fun stuff this is this shows nuts yeah and then everybody have a bit of a laugh i disagree with you i quite enjoyed it yeah now it's like oh fuck yourself your piece of shit and by the way your mum's a prick and that, you, you, you've killed your dog.

Yeah. By the way. By the way, I've killed your dog. Yeah. It's not even called Twitter anymore. Yeah. Sounds like something, that X is like a proper evil, Goda Fader name.

Yeah. It's not a nice place. This, this. I'm not on it anymore. I'm not on it anymore. I'm not on it anymore. I'm not on anything. You're off everything.

Yeah, I'm off everything. Well done. How does that? Respect, love YouTube. Uh, do you have the comments on or off? Of YouTube? Yeah. I don't watch.

I don't watch. Sometimes I'll scroll down to the comments But it's not stuff about me I'm just watching other videos And then sometimes I'm like If I really like Someone's really annoying me James is not saying he has an account

On YouTube that he posts through You don't put your own things on YouTube Oh yeah no I just watch I'm a watch I'm a fan Benito would like to point out something With the cheesecake Go to Nito Oh yeah

So this is the cheesecake that Joel had When he came up the jungle It was his dream thing to have And they gave it to him And he ate it really quickly And then it made it be sick He was vomited He vomited this cheesecake

Yeah But he didn't vomit because he didn't enjoy it. He vomited because he had been eaten. Yeah, yeah. His stomach was not used to take him on dairy. Right. All of that dairy, cream, heavy stuff. Right.

But he enjoyed it, didn't he? Yeah, and I think there was a good comment about he sort of enjoyed it on the way back up again as well. Yeah, he tasted nice on the way out. Oh, my God. This says so much that he enjoyed the cheesecake on the way up as much as on the way down. Because I think it hadn't been there for long, so it was just the same flavour coming up.

Great, great, great. Did he think, maybe have another go? Yeah, should have done. Yeah, did it? Like a dog. Yeah, like a doggy. Yeah, yeah. And then straight back down and go.

Like a little doggie. I mean, I've, you know, asking him next time I see him. I know Joe pretty well. And his friend Steve, who helps him build his shows, they've known each other since they were very little. And they have the kind of relationship where if one of them said to the other day to do that,

they're still at their age now do it. And if Steve was with him when he puked up the cheesecake, I guarantee, if Steve said to him, because he would have turned to Steve and went, that tasted quite nice actually on the way out. And Steve would say to him, eat it again. He would do it. So you're saying that Joel would have picked up whatever puke he had? He would have done it if Steve told it. And then put it back in his mouth.

I'm pretty sure I'm not telling tales outside of school there. And Joel would agree that if Steve said to him, if it tasted so nice on the way out, I think you should eat it. What's the difference? I really need to speak to Joel's wife. I think we need to go out for drink. Maybe she needs to decompress. Maybe there's stuff that needs to come up.

Not literally. Not literally. No, we've been through that already. Yeah. Jesus. Okay. Would you go in the jungle? No.

Can you imagine me in the jungle? Yeah. I'd love it. I'd be watching every app. I know. I mean, I'd have a breakdown day one. Can you imagine if I was in the jungle with someone like, I don't know, Nigel Farage or something?

Would you imagine that I'd be able to hold it together for a day, let alone weeks on end? I mean, it wouldn't have to be someone like Nigel Farage. or Farage, it used to be anyone. It could be people who are famously nice and I think you'd lose it day one like you've been in there for two and a half weeks. Yeah, I wouldn't make it. Yeah.

And I think that Joel was perfect for the... He was. Because he's such a nice bloke. It's just a nice man. There's no edge to him. He's lovely. So he's the best in everyone. Yeah, he's kind.

He's like, yeah, you know. And he'll try to make the best of every situation. Yeah. Not this lesbian. No. But that's the... Imagine, like, you'd have fans at home wearing not this lesbian t-shirts.

I don't think they'd be fans by the end of it. But they were like, shit, that woman's unhinged. I used to like her, but now that I've discovered what she's really like. What a catchphrase, not this lesbian. Not this lesbian. Hey, I think that's a T-shirt. I think that as merch goes, that could work, right? Yeah, definitely.

That's a good tour name. Not this lesbian. Not this tour. Yeah. Something to think about. I think that's a good one. James, am I going to have to TM you? Am I going to have to, like, give you 10% or something?

Yeah? Yeah? I'm afraid so. Oh, my God. Because you said it and then I told you to have it as a tour title. You came up with it. You came up with it. I told you to have it as your tour title.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's go down to five then. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Fair enough.

It's just good negotiation. You can imagine you get like at the end of every joke getting to it in the whole crowd, being like, not this, left, dude. That's good. The problem is if you sell it as T-shirts, you'll get some straight men who think they're funny buying the t-shirt as well, right? I don't care.

I'm making a profit from me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I got your money. I got your money. Because that's on the back. Yeah. Only when you sell it to a straight man,

you give them one of the ones that say on the back, it's got like a weird transfer and it picks out the heat that only comes from a men, the pheromones from a man's body. And it's like, I got your money on the back. But not for women, not for women. Yeah, that is lesbian. I think, I'm sure that you've been off of the jungle. I mean, you know, you should probably do it.

I reckon you'd be great on it. James, one, I haven't been off. it and two, if I had, I'd find it whatever was, no. I don't think there's many... James's such a little shit as well, because he'd never do it. You would never do it. I keep asking them to it and they say no.

Oh, bullshit. Okay, if there was one of those kind of shows, which one would you do? Well, if I had to do one? You have to. There is no choice. Okay, well, question to the table. Everyone's got to think what their answer is here.

List them, though. List them for it. Okay, so you've got things like... Strictly. Okay, yeah, strictly. obviously the jungle what are the other ones are people doing they

dancing on ice dancing on ice of course all right let's say those three SAS the SAS one Oh my god SAS yes Celebrity Big Brother The absolute what Celebrity traitors now

Celebrity traitors now I mean I do traitors You do traitors I can't do traitors because I host You can't do traitors Okay so you do traitors Yeah but that's But you've given me an easy out there

because that's a, that's a fun one. The other ones. Strictly looks like one of the most stressful things ever. I definitely have a breakdown on Strictly. I'll definitely have a breakdown in the jungle. I think I would do, and I'm not going to do it, if they're listening. Which they definitely will be. They'll find out about this.

Yeah, they're going to find out. But I would do the ice skating one to learn to ice skate. Oh my God. Really? Yeah, just to learn to ice skate. I think even imagining that for me is enough to entertain me for the rest of the day. What about, oh my God, I really want you to do it. now. You have to do it, James.

The ice skating one. Yeah, because I think you know what, you've got the physique. Who is that guy? Torville, Dean, those guys. Yes. You look like the Dean guy, Chris. Yes. Because of your physique, long legs and, but I can imagine him also trying to balance on the ice, like, one of those things outside of the car. Actually, I went on her first date once, ice skating with someone when I was, like, in my late teens. In Kettering? Yeah, in Kettering. Went to the ice skating. And I never really ice skating before. and she said I was like a newborn baby giraffe. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm imagining. I mean, 100% I don't think anything's changed.

Yeah. Can you skate now? No, I've not been again really since then. I imagine ice skating and skiing terrible. They used to do a ski jump one, didn't they? Celebrity ski jump. Oh, yeah. Didn't Marcus Briggs stock do that and broke his leg?

Yeah, yeah. They just want to kill us TV production companies. So like what way can we like permanently injure? I'd do the SAS one, but I definitely break something or have some sort of diabetic panic within the first 10 minutes. I think that sounds horrendous. I wouldn't do the SAS. I definitely wouldn't do the skating on ice.

I would definitely do traitors and I would probably try strictly. I would never get asked. You will get asked. But I wouldn't. Absolutely, you'd get asked to do strictly. I don't think. I think I'd like to learn how to do some dancing. Yeah.

Yeah. They'd definitely ask you to do strictly. I reckon you're going to do strictly now. Just imagine at the end of like a dance, just you being like spun around on the floor and then you'd land in this position. with your head and you look right down, you write down the camera and you go, not this lesbian. Yeah. Tens from the judges.

Yeah. Tens all round. Do you watch Strictly? Do you know who you would like as your dance partner? I don't know who I'd like as a dance partner. Oh, I tell you who I'd like. Yes, I like that, the tall South African guy. Jojo.

Jojo. Oh, yeah, I have him. He's sat in that seat. He's delightful. Yeah, he's amazing. And also, I'd feel very safe in his hands. He's very strong. And I think he would be able to lift up my.

Wait. My mum went to see him in Kinky Boots. I bet it was amazing. In Milton Keynes said he was amazing. And apparently my sister had to talk my mum out of bringing a sign that said James Acaster says hello. Which I did not tell her to do. Like it was the wrestling.

Yeah. I was like, a musical. I love it. Maybe you could come up with one of those horns as well. Yeah. A Vuvizuela. Well, he's from South Africa. Yeah.

He would have loved that. He would have loved it. He would have loved it. He would have loved it. It's a shame that didn't happen, actually. Maybe we can recreate that on another occasion when he's performing in another, you know, musical. Yeah, maybe. We met him now, so it'd be even we're even weirder.

I mean, I think that would be why it was weird. Yeah, we met him then. And it was like, it made me feel, I was like, Mom, if you had done that, and he'd seen that and thought I'd sent you along to do that. I've met him like a couple of times now, but not well enough. I love that your mum thought that was a good idea. She sounds great. Yeah, she's like, move from it and let me do it.

Yes. Okay, mum. Oh, God. Thank God my sister was there with her new name. So, you had sparkling water, you had nan, you add chicken nachos, chipped beans, sausage and cheese, sweet potato fries, a protein shake and strawberry and white chocolate cheesecake. Yeah, it's awful, all of it. Terrible. Most of it's gone to your kids or in the bin, right? It's in the bin or with my children. Yeah. Yeah. I'm hungry.

Yeah. There's nothing left I'm taking it. That's it. We're done. going to get on the way home. So it's late now. The meal's finished. It's like 11pm. Your options are limited. What are you grabbing on the way home?

Is that it? That's the meal. That's it. There's nothing else. He hasn't had like a dessert wine or anything. No, no. He's just a protein shake for the whole meal. What about that menu,

suggested dessert wine? We're suddenly going to swing it back round and go, yeah, he's going to have a 1992-so-turn. I don't know why I said that. Or I thought he might have had an espresso. Yeah. That's a possibility he could have had. an espresso. That would have been fine. Okay. He didn't. He didn't. I mean, there's a possibility

that he had one before he came into the studio because, you know, his choices were all over the place. But like, yeah. There's nothing. He does like coffee as well, yeah. So we're done. So after pudding, there's nothing? That's it, yeah. Oh my God, you guys, this is a terrible situation. That's why I'm saying, if you, when you leave the dream restaurant, if you want to grab something, what would you grab on the way home to fill you up? I don't know what's open. Cabab? Cabab, yeah? Yeah, I'll go, I'll go have a lamb sheesh. Is there somewhere in Brighton where you'd recommend for a lamb shish? They're all pretty grim.

You can't go wrong with a lamb sheesh though You've got to go sheesh You've got to go sheesh No, Donna, I've got sheesh And no chips I don't need any more chips No Extra salad, loads of chilli sauce

Let's go When you're bound to bump into Joel again After this Oh, I don't think for one second I'm not going to get him in a headlock over this This is absolutely shocking I can't believe Joel, if you're listening

You should be ashamed of yourself for one choosing this menu and secondly that I've had to eat it I hope you can sleep tonight I will say in Joel's slight defence No there is no defence

If he did the menu again It would be different now He has told me he's got better taste You've got to get him back on Yeah we'll get him back on Maybe we'll give him your menu Yeah I don't think he'll like my menu I can't remember what I chose

But there was quite a lot of fish wasn't there Riddling Fins He went to Riddling Fins Did I go there? Yeah yeah Yeah I love it there He might not like the cheeseboard. I don't know.

Good. Extra blue cheese on there for you, Joel Domit. Well, Jen, do you think you reacted to that menu in the way that we'd hoped? I think I bloody well did. Yeah, he smashed it. I think you got exactly what you wanted and you're welcome. Yeah, it didn't even cross our minds to give you a nice one. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Thank you very much for coming back to the dream restaurant, Jen. Oh, it was a real... I'd like to say it was a pleasure I'm absolutely furious. Oh, thank you, Jeff. That's what we'd hope. Well, she didn't enjoy that, James. No, I mean, went quite bad.

She apparently left Joel a voicemail, which... Voice message, Grandad. Which we'll try and get hold of. Voice note. So we can play it maybe at the end of the... Maybe after the... Granddad, that's saying that's me, then. maybe after the

after the music after the outro music for this podcast if we can get hold of that and play it because she sent Joel it's quite angry about it pretty angry message

yeah pretty much as soon as she left the studio yeah and Joel has messaged us and said look what I've just got yeah so like maybe maybe that permission

we can play that at the end yeah Benito can pop that in at the end thank you Benito don't forget Jen is on tour with her new show Reactive go and check that's out. And also go to all our relations.co.uk and look at donating to Jen's incredible non-profit. There's a lot of people doing a lot of hard work to try and make lives a bit easier

for families in crisis in Gaza. So please go and have a look at that. We've got to start thinking about who we're going to get on this next and if we're going to give them a bad meal to a bad, to a bad diner. Yes. A bad dinner guest should get a bad meal from someone. Yeah. So suggestions to Great Benito. I mean, we've done it a couple of times where we've got good diners and giving them bad menus. Yeah. So Jen and Bridgett. Yeah.

Because we find them funny when they're angry. Yeah. Yeah. That's a laugh. Yeah, that is a laugh. But if you could give Benito your suggestions for bad dinner guests who deserve bad menus, which bad menus they should get, that, you know, that he'll love that. Yeah, he'll love that.

Sign chopping board. Obviously, everyone who tweets him gets the sign chopping board. I love that you're still on Twitter in your head. Huh? Yeah, that's how it was. Tweets aren't really the thing anymore, man. People don't do that anymore? No.

Writing letters? We're back to that. Yeah, it's back. I don't you do that? Have you left that as well? Yeah, I left. I could quit. It's bad for my head.

You were getting so many rude letters. It's bad for my head, man. I just kept on looking at the post every morning. Searching through for any mention of yourself in everyone's letters. Every five seconds each day, I've went to the post box. Nothing there. Go again. It'd make me sad if there was nothing there.

And then if there was something there, no, look at it, bleak me out, even if it was nice. I feel, feel dirty for having looked at it, you know. Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu, as always. Bye-bye. Bye. eat somebody else's chosen menu. Anyway, I don't think you'll be surprised to hear. I had to eat your abomination. I just can't believe that of all the food you could have chosen,

you had nachos, followed by chips, cheese, sausage and beans, paired with sweet potato fries and a fucking protein shake. Are you out of your mind? Joel, it was a shocker every single time. Okay, so at least what am I drinking? Tell me I'm drinking something nice. Oh, a protein shake. Literally go fuck yourself.

I mean, I'm still in shock. I can't believe it. I mean, I'll be honest with you. I didn't take it well. And it wasn't even me to eat it. That's how bad it was. I'm still reeling. Anyway, I hope you well, mate.

Hi, it's Morgan from off the shelf, and I'm here to tell you about Paramount Pictures, new movie regretting you, a film adaptation of calling him, Hoover's best-selling book, Regretting You. If there's anything I love more than an adaptation, it's an adaptation that's going to make me feel something. And with Josh Boone, yes, the director of the Fultonar stars, at the helm, I'm ready.

Between the first loves, secret relationships, and second chances, I am prepared to be going through every single emotion. This film also has a stacked cast starring Alison Williams, McKenna Grace, Dave Franco, Mason Fames, and so many more. Go see Regretting You Only in Theater's October 24th. My name's Ryan. This is my best friend Tony. And together we do the Tony and Ryan podcast.

Montreal, bonjour. People right across Canada are listening to our daily podcast, though. But don't just take our word for it. Jamie from Vancouver. I think people should listen to the Tony and Ryan podcast because they are hilarious. There's no better comedy than Australian comedy they are unhinged. Thank you, Jamie.

But just be warned if you're going up for a walk, you might laugh your ass off in public. But it's worth it. Trust me. Oh, yeah. Be safe out there. Yeah, take it easy. Yeah.

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