Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Jonny Pelham

Episode Date: August 13, 2025

Superb stand-up and ‘Live at the Apollo’ star Jonny Pelham is this week’s guest diner. And, of course, we ask him about his gang-member past… Jonny Pelham is currently performing at the Edinburgh Fringe with his new show ‘Is It Me?’ at Monkey Barrel Comedy (The Hive), 21.00, until 25 August. For tickets go to edfringe.com Follow Jonny on Instagram @jonny_pelhamOff Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, crushing the biscuits of conversation, adding the butter of friendship, putting it all in a nice circle, and topping with the cream cheese and sugar of humour. Like a sort of no-bake cheesecake? You just think about it And then you carry on with the podcast

And I know I've done a bad job then The thing is we're recording this intro Straight after doing another one That's a gamble My name is James Acastle Together, we own a dream restaurant I love cheesecake And every single week

We invite in a guest And asking their favourite ever start A main course dessert, side dish and drink Not in that order And this week Our guest is Johnny Pelham Johnny Pelham

An absolutely brilliant stand-up James One of the funniest stand-ups Working today I absolutely love Pelham Hilarious If people haven't seen Johnny Pelham get to one of his gigs, ASAP.

A true natural. Such a natural, so funny. Like, one of those comics who is just like very effortless on stage but still uniquely himself. Yes. More people need to be watching Johnny Pelham and laughing their goddamn heads off. Absolutely. But he may be natural. He may be effortless.

Yes. He may be funny. Yes. But if he says an ingredient that we have pre-agreed upon, he will be kicked out of the dream restaurant. Sorry, Johnny. Sorry, Johnny. And this week, the secret ingredient is, Johnny Cakes

Johnny Cakes His name's Johnny Johnny Cakes has been mentioned on the podcast before a sort of flat bread

battery bread with cornmeal used a lot in Caribbean cooking Yeah They sound delicious They do sound delicious But his name's

Johnny there name's Johnny Johnny Cakes You have to make the link somehow Yes So if he does say Johnny Cates

Well you suggested Pell Ham until we realised that Pell Ham isn't a thing Yeah I said I said it should be Pell ham

And Benita just like Yeah Oh shut up Benito just doesn't answer us now if you think this is a stupid idea Yeah

Earlier today We were talking about making Sarki the secret ingredient And Benito said I like Saki And I went I like Saki too And he looked at me

I went I'm being Sarky sarcastic He went Oh I thought you were being annoying Yes Is what he said to me

So that's where our Working relationship is now Yeah yeah Yeah He just says to me Oh I thought you were being annoying and then we carry on with the day. So Pellham, I guess I was being a bit of both when I said that one.

Yeah, yeah. It was quite soon after the Sarky joke, I died of death. So I threw Pellham out there. Yeah, didn't even look at you. Didn't even look at me, just got on with him, press the record button. Right, we should just get on with this, though, because I can't wait to speak to Johnny about his dream menu.

This is the off-menu menu of Johnny Pelham. Welcome, Johnny, to the Dream Restaurant. Woo-hoo! Welcome Johnny Pelham to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. That was very dramatic, James. Yeah, you like it. I loved it.

How do you, do you prepare? Do you like, do some, are you like Daniel DeLewis getting into the genie? Yeah. Or in my head, when we're starting, I'm like, okay, here we go. And now that we've done so many episodes, I am like, sometimes people anticipate it. So, Ed will say, welcome, and they just go. And they nod, because they know who's going to be in that theory. And then that's when...

So I'm often, I'm waiting for that. I'm going like, right, are they going to respond or not? And if they do, I've got to get in fast. Yeah. Yeah. Well, being a genius is a lot of work. I mean, it's not an easy... Well, no one appreciates it.

It's a lot of work when you're out of the lamp. I think there's a lot of downtime when you're ready. Wrong. Wrong. That's true. Wrong. Loads of stuff. Here we go.

Here comes king of improv. What? What, the pressure now. That's not what improv treats do. No, no. That was gone, then. Yeah. An improv tree doesn't put me off.

And when one of them starts, here he is, King of Impop. Go on, mate. Show him. You've also in improv group, someone says there's a lot of downtime when you're a GD. The person played the GD doesn't go, incorrect.

That was my point. No, many flaws in what happened. I wasn't just saying, I wasn't just waiting for you to say something and go, here he comes, King of Imprope. That would be harsh. That's what you were doing. No, it's making a point that you know butted me.

Yeah, I did, I did know-butt him. Yeah, I guess. But I thought, like, it would be, I'd put more doors to say, I do stuff in the lamp. Totally correct. Rather than I don't do anything in the lamp. Your instincts were correct. And that is why you're the king of improv. Now, please, tell us what the genie does in the lamp.

Just kick around. Not much stuff on when I'm in the lamp. A lot of downtime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is quite a boring, I guess. Yeah, it's very boring. It's like an animal that hibernates. You don't mean, you're just hibernate.

But you're awake for it. Imagine that. Oh, God. So, like, you're hibernating, but you're, fully awake. That's very bleak, actually. It's like you in solitude confinement. That's awful.

That's my new nightmare is being a tortoise you can't sleep. I don't think that's quite what was said. Yeah, hibernating, but not being asleep. Yeah, but I can't sleep. I could be a film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quite a bleak Disney just about, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, I'd watch it, I think. Oh, man, I saw a great documentary on Disney Plus the other day called Billy and Molly about this old guy in Scott in the Shetlands who befriends on Otter. I was so invested in it. My girlfriend was watching it. I just went down for lunch, caught a bit of it, instantly hooked, instantly invested, had to watch the whole thing.

I was crying. What happens in it? He doesn't quite get into detail, but he's had a rough time of it. He's moved back to the Shetlands. He's not doing great. The Otter. No, Billy, the man. And is it a cartoon or like a real man?

It's a real man. It's a real documentary. It's a real documentary about a real life man. Because he said Disney, I think, Tony was. Yeah, it's on Disney Plus. And I think What was it? Geographic made it National Geographic?

Oh, why you're asking me? Him and his wife and their dog moved back to the Shetlands and then this sort of just finds him at the perfect time. Perfect time in his life. They think the mum maybe got hit by a car so it's this orphan that a lot

and now just turns up on their doorstep. How were they filming it? When did they think we're going to need to film this relationship? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I was thinking at what point did you start making a documentary? by a car.

What? I'd say if you're an otter, you can't be hit by a car. What would you say? Well, I think you need to be taller than a car to be hit by it. Run over. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't know, could have. Could have been looking at that moment on its legs. Could have had a run up and, like, jumped, and was trying to dive across the ride, like free willy, he got absolutely fucking slammed.

You don't know. Then it's hit by a car. Yeah, that's hit by a car. That was the thing that gave the man depression. Yeah. He just saw the most brutal otter murder. Yeah. But yeah, he looks after this little Molly.

I think I don't want to have who on your parade which is a sentence I don't think I've ever said before I don't think it is a sentence really I don't think it is either but I think it has why are they filming it like I think it's a lie I think it's a whole thing's a lie

this is why I've become a conspiracy for something in this exact moment I just think why were they filming it to begin with unless they knew the otter was going to the otter is an industry plant yeah that's literally what I'm saying to be honest the moment of which I got invested it was already like halfway through

oh right so we never So I don't see the set up. So maybe the setup was more storytelling. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I don't think the setup is an old man's walking around and he finds an otter. I can't. I haven't seen it, so I can't swear to it. I'd love to meet a heartwarming otter.

Yeah. What would solve this situation? It's a lovely otter, and then the otter just walks in the door. Yeah, yeah. Hello, my mum was hit by a car. She had a runner. Free willing. You just seem free willing.

I can't, yeah, I can't attest to that. I don't know what the beginning is, you know, I assume it's them. It has to be them saying, here's what happened. And now we've started filming it. Yeah, because we heard about this man and his otter, I guess. It has to be. That would make sense, I guess. Yeah, yeah, I see now.

There's still a lot of the story to tell. So, like, you know, all the stuff that I saw, I was like, wow, they got a full camera crew. Yeah, yeah. It's not like when Louis Theroux was filming with the Hamilton's, and then they got embroiled in that sort of weird thing. I don't know anything about them. Very lucky. Yeah.

He would have been delighted. Yeah. I'm sure there were a lot of days of filming. We can't use this, Lily. You're grinning from here to hear. You had a very boring documentary on your hands with just two slightly eccentric people. Yeah.

He's in the early days. Yeah, that is Louis Vu's job, isn't it? It's as things get worse, to pretend not to be just delighted by anything that's happening around him. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's talking to those, like, Westbro-Baptist church people.

Every time they say something awful, he must be on the verge going, yeah. You're making signs, are you? Can we film them? Yeah, yeah. They said yes, guys, the guy they fucking said this! They actually let us film the sign.

Sorry, I'll take it down, I'll take it down. So you're letting us film the signs. Good decision. I think you'll come up well in this time. I won't trick you again like last time. Three times they've fallen through those idiots. Yeah, come back, Louie. We'll prove you wrong this time.

Okay. Are you going to do the signs again? Oh, yes. Come back, they filmed more signs. We've had Louis Thruh on. Have you? Yes. What was he like?

Yeah, he chose a, he wanted a goldfish in his water. Yeah. So, wackier than you'd think. That's strange. Yeah, yeah. Not to drink, I presume. He's like, yeah. He said he just wanted it in there.

Someone should do a Louis Theru on Louis Theru. Yeah, they should Louis Thoreau. That's a weird weekend. Yeah, that's a weird thing. You'd think it'd be open to it? Yeah. Although he'd know all the tricks. Yeah, he'd know about all the pauses.

Yeah, you'd be difficult, wouldn't it to get him? Yeah. Because if you try and Louis Theru, you ask a question, you leave a pause like Louis Theru, he will sit in that pause. Yeah, then you're just in an awkward silence. Yeah, yeah.

Two hours got by. You got a standoff. Yeah, yeah. Do you think you could get him? Both my parents are therapists, so I am quite good at, like, getting to the soul of people sometimes. Yeah.

But Louis Thu would be a challenging, challenging get, I'd say. And also, I don't know if even Louis Thruh knows what's going on. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know if there is, like, a deeper... Or like an objective. Yeah, like I don't know what I'm trying to discover about him, I guess.

I guess why he does this sort of thing and, you know, what's wrong with him? Yeah, what are you digging, what are you digging down into? Yeah, what are your... Did you get any sense to that when he was on your pod? He did a lot of voices, more voices than I expect, did a Texan accent character at one point? Yeah, that was a good character. So, like... Sounds a bit wild. Goldfish in the water, pretending to be Texan.

He's a fun guy. What therapy tricks did you pick up from your parents? Oh, I thought you were going to ask him about food. Carry on. I know. Perfect tricked. The main one is, this is true.

If you ask, you know like empathic listening or emotional listening, which is basically what you do is you mirror exactly what the person says, but in different words, summarise it,

and then add an emotion. So, so someone says, I'm being pissed off with my dad today. It says, it sounds like you were sounding really frustrated

with your dad. And then because you've completely affirmed what they've said, they will then go deeper. Yeah. And then they'll tell you why. And then if you affirm that,

and eventually, they'll get to a stage where they're like, I fucking, I don't know if I'm a good enough person. Like, you just, and what, this is going to make me sound like a psychopath. And then you go, yes. Well, this is, I mean, this is. But at school, when I was like 13, sort of not having a great time at school,

a bit of bullying and stuff, what I used to do to the bullies and just ask them like, four of those questions, get them to a stage where they were like, oh, my God, I don't know if I'm loved by you for my family members. And then I just leave them to deal with that. Brilliant. With a knowledge they had of themselves that they could, didn't nearly deal with.

Johnny, you were the bully. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't the bully. Wait, said he was having problems at school with bullying. Yeah, yeah. These kids were clever. Couldn't stop doing it.

Oh, Ryan, everyone's crying. We always start with still a sparkling water, Johnny. I will have, still water, please. I genuinely, I'm not a fussy drinker or eater particularly, but just do not like sparkling water

at all. It sounds like you don't like sparkling water. at all. That must be hard. Well, it is, yeah, it's very hard, because I feel like maybe I don't know why I don't like it, but, you know, it does feel it is very challenging. Sounds confusing for you.

I am confused about my lack of desire for spouting water, and that makes me feel anger. You must be very angry. You're quite angry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't know why I don't like it, but I just don't like it. All right, I'm on to you.

Do you like other pity drinks? Do you like... Yeah, I love Coke. Love every other food's drink Except someone got sparkling water I haven't had sparking water in like 10 years Because I just know I don't like it So there's a chance if I had it now

I'd think oh no this is actually all right Could be one over But genuine And I think particularly when you think it's still water And then it is sparkling water That's awful Yeah I hate the The bottled ones

You might come in hotels Yeah yeah That don't have Because you'd think The bubble should be not You should be able to look at it 100% And go it's bubbly

right, and you've got to look at the label. Yeah. And sometimes the color of the label is the wrong way around. Someone says, like, there's one that's got a black label, one that's got a white label. Preach. In my head, the white label should be still. Yes, correct. Of course.

Because it's plain. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The black label should be the physical one. It's not. It's the other way around. And they both look the same. The fizzy one isn't jumping around and looking all fizzy. And sometimes you've just woken up. Yeah, yeah. We talked about this, and that is,

genuinely something from this podcast that has affected my whole life and how I live it. On tour, in hotels a lot, always about the still, always about the sparkling. Because James once said on the podcast, he likes having a sparkling water in the morning if he's in a hotel and there's one next to him because it feels like it's cleaning his mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah. Every time I do that now. I saved a sparkling water for the morning, and I think, James thought this is like cleaning his mouth, and it does feel like it's cleaning your mouth.

He does it? Yeah. You can't see how happy James looks like. I'm never influenced. him before. Yeah, I'm fully influenced I'm in. That is, that's my new routine.

Well, sometimes in the evening I won't wash my face and I'll think Ed used to do that. Yeah. He started now. He started washing his face now. I'm on and off. I'm on and off now.

He's moved you negatively. He's tricked you, and he said, oh yeah, I don't wash my face. You're not doing that. He's looking bloody delightful. Yeah. With a washed face. Yes.

He makes my life worse and he looks so nice with his washed face, as you say. Well, I mean, I still don't know why people bother with that. What, washing your face? in the evening. Oh, I don't.

I mean, I'm, you're talking to, I mean, I'm not washing my face in the morning often, so I'm... Good, this is like Goldilocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the three bears. Yeah, we're the three bears,

but in face washing. He's made himself the perfect one, hasn't he? Yeah, yeah. Well, he's the middle one. Yeah, yeah. He's on and off. Yeah.

I'm basically doing it all the time. Yeah. Yeah, every time I don't do it, I think, it's okay. It's okay. And then you remember, wait a minute. Yeah, I'll hold up.

But now I'm going to think of you. So now if I don't do it in the morning, I'll think, Johnny Pelham doesn't wash his face in. I see that's a terrible strategy, Jim. No one should follow me in almost anything I do, really. I don't know. I'll start living like you, Pelham, after this episode. Yeah.

I might start doing it. I'm very heavily influenced, just like Ed is with me. Yes. I'm glad to know that. I do for those pressure now for me not to tell you anything else I do. In a year, you'll be homeless. Is there ever any of your friends or peers who have influenced you in a habit in your life?

Is there something that you do and you always think that's because of that guy? I live with Bobby Mayer at the moment who's a comedian and when he started moisturising I did think maybe I should moisturise or just watch my face

all the house is so terrible that we just have to tell people when they come on that one of us is doing crack it's the only way if you were in the Sesame Street there's Oscar the Grouch lived in the bin and then he had a little worm friend

as well forgotten about the worm friend Yeah, it's easy to forget about the work. Who's who? Who's Oscar and who are? It's sad to those, but I am undeniably the worm. You dance sometimes, that worm? Yeah, it's an optimistic worm.

That pretty much is the good sum of who are. Also, the worm living in the bin. That's normal. That's normal. That makes sense for the worm, right? The worm's found its perfect house. Well, the one way is I am the, that's worse, isn't it? Because really I'm saying, this is my happy place.

Yeah, yeah, this is your habitat. Yeah. Pop-nops or bread! Pop-lombs or bread! That was pretty... I like that sound. I haven't got that sound out of someone before. You kind of gained 60 years there.

Old worm. Yeah, the old worm. Bread. Definitely bread. I love threading... But I think Brennan was really underrated as a... Like, I'll just have that often just by itself.

I just really enjoy. I can't just laughing at that James I really tickled James and I laugh because James is tickled It's the image that Johnny is building of himself

and this like Of the flat It's living in an absolute dump Yeah And then my meal today is bread and butter That's the treat That's the funny

This is underrated Bobby Yeah It's rare that we have Bread and Butter in at the same time We're living great lives Okay Yeah bread and butter's your I agree bread and bread and butter

It's perfect Like I think probably like a French bag sort of vibe. Like the sort of thing you'd have with soup, just get rid of the soup and just keep the bread. And sort of too much butter that is like more than is socially acceptable. Yeah. So sometimes people will say, well, that's a lot of butter. And I think if you weren't here, yeah. It's so much more butter.

Like a private amount of butter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like something. Teeth marks. You want to see your teeth marks in the butter? Never even caught. Yeah, maybe, yeah. Yeah.

Do you want to see your teeth marks? in the butter. Well, that's how thick. That's a measure of how thick the butter is, right? If you bite into it and you can see your teeth marks in the butter, you know, that's... Down the side of it, it's scraping down. Like a block of cheese? Yeah.

Wow. I didn't know this was... I nearly called my book, Teethmarks in the cheese. Did you? Yeah. What did you call it? Glutton. Glutton.

Covered it off. Called the cheese marks in the cheese. I can't write another food book, mate. What? As if? Yeah, you can. Come on. This is your niche now.

You can do... I think you have smashed it, Ed, in terms of your life. Like, you've just got, you just eat now. And that's, that's a great, that's sort of the dream life, isn't it? Yeah, I just eat, make money just from eating. Yeah, yeah. Beans on toast again. Yeah, yeah.

I'm eating bread and butter. I'm just looking at my bank account, go out. Yeah, that's pretty great, man. I'm proud of you. Yeah, thanks, man. And sometimes he talks to people about being untrustworthy. Yes. So that's the two things he does.

He'll eat and then say to someone, why do you lie to all those people? They can't trust you now. What sort of butter if you're at home and do you get a good butter in? Of course you don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scraping something out the sink, couldn't you?

Good butter? What is that? No, I think... Bobby Mayer's crumbs in it. I, um, no, when I'm at a restaurant, like, I do love... I didn't know butter can be that good. Like, sometimes when you go to a restaurant,

you're like, this is just incredible. Yeah. And you think, yeah, let's go. Yeah. Let's bloody go. This is why people make money. Like, people make money. playing at the butter.

Worth all of their hours. Work. I'm exploiting a lot of people and I'm doing it for this butter. Okay. What other things in your life have you experienced that makes you think

this is why people make money? Every time I walk in a house. Yeah, this makes sense. I can see why this system works. Yeah. What else? Not your house, though. No, no.

This is what... Are you walking someone else's house? Yeah, this is why people make money. It's very motivating. Not when you walk in your house. Living in my house is very motivating. to think I need to make money. I guess you can still say it in your house.

Yeah, yeah. I guess what else is... I just think... You often buy everything. I think probably computer games. Yeah. And that explains why I'm in the house. Yeah, yeah.

Really? My people make money. Painting such a bleak picture of your life now, don't know? I think the thing is, and this is a problem, I am quite happy. But that is like... That almost makes it worse. Yeah, yeah.

But there's no... There's no like... Sure. But, you know, I'm an optimistic man. What can I say? What's your favourite computer game? I play a lot of football manager. And I had to stop playing because it was like,

I'd be talking to my girlfriend, and all I'd be thinking about is, we need to buy a left back. I'm scouring the Croatian league. I've spoken to a lot of people who've got properly addicted to the football manager. Yeah, well, it's better than life, I think. That's the problem.

I can, like, I only play football manager at, when I'm doing the end of a fringe festival. Yeah. Because there you just want something that's completely out of the world, that you can just do and enjoy. It's like the thing I do every month just stop me getting hammered. I'm like, I won't drink.

I got a European. I got some Champions League to win. That's a good idea because every Edinburgh, for the listeners who don't know, every Edinburgh festival, every comedian goes up and they always say the same thing. They always go, I'm not going to drink this year. I'm not going to read reviews. I'm not going to care about the sellout board and how other people are doing. I'm going to exercise every day.

And then obviously you don't do any of that stuff and it goes to shit and it's really bad. But it's because we don't replace it with something that's actually fun. So you replace it with something that is addictive and enjoyable and isn't as bad for you as like all that or other stuff is genius because I don't really know many people who have successfully done that for the month. And this is what I'm going to do. And because I only play it during that month, it is like I'm really into it. I'm like, I know this is my month.

I'm like, look, I'm getting terrible reviews. No one's coming to my show, but we're doing well in the Premier League. You've got a Premier League team? I don't need this festival I'm a successful football manager That's what I scream at my audience I don't need you I don't need either of you

We've got Liverpool on the weekend Who's your team? Well normally because I'm quite Don't want to brag or anything I'm quite good at football manager So I start with someone like I'm from Bradford So I'm to start with like Bradford City

or feeling really ambitious Bradford Park Avenue who are like in like the conference and then you have to build them up to win the champions you take Bradford all the way to like winning the main title I've done that more times than is acceptable you know what I mean like

it's awful when you do that and then you log back on the year after and they're back down in the conference again yeah yeah you're like this is this is clearly it was all me you've handed them over to Ted Lassow yeah he keeps getting relegated but he's being very positive about optimistic American this isn't going to cut it

yeah believe Your dream starter, let's get into your meal proper, Johnny. I think when I say my starter, we're all going to agree that I've cheated. But it's my dream restaurant. Yeah, yeah. And I can do what I want. Yes. Right?

Well, let's hear it first. It's a nice, light, warm you up for the meal, spaghetti carbonyl. I think that's totally acceptable. Sure. Great, great, great. We often let people have a pasta course. Well, this is one. Yeah, we've even let people do that.

That's a like, if you want to just make that your start, great. Well, it's a specific carbonara, because I was in, it was my 18th birthday, I was in Florence, I had a carbonara that was so delightful that it sort of ruined food for me for the next 15 years, pretty much. Because, like, I had to be banned by my government at the time from ordering carbonara in Italian restaurants, because I'd just eat it, and then be like,

it's not as good. I get really sad about it. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember what the place? was called? No, that's the thing, no idea what it was called.

It was like, we just landed, checked in, we sort of, one of those days we were just walking first day, walking through Florence,

it was just on like a side street, ate it, it was just insane, like how amazing it was. And that was the first time I'd ever been to Italy. So I'm just like,

well, I guess this is what food tastes like. Yeah, yeah. This is going to be every male. Yeah, literally. And then nothing has ever

replicated it. So I'd say overall, that carbon hours had a negative impact on my life. Yeah. But in the moment, it was just pure, pure joy. I love that, like, ten minutes ago, you were going,

I guess I'm just happy, I'm an optimistic guy, and now you've gone, I love this, Carponara, it's ruined my life. I'm complex, okay? I'm complex, moment. And saying that your life was suddenly bleaker and bleaker. And then you're like, I had this amazing car, but I'm here's a positive story. It's ruined my life.

What was so amazing about this, Carponara? I guess it's difficult to, like, the myth. and reality are very intertwined now. I mean, it was just, like, the past was perfectly al dente. It was just sort of creamy. It was sort of weirdly, you know, the thing about carbonari is often they are rubbish, because they're just so heavy. Yeah.

So you're just like, oh, and it just needs to go. And it all coagulates and sticks together, and yeah, yeah. So this was like light, delicious. The bacon was really salty, and it was just like the perfect... And was it cream? Or was it, like, the golden carbonara... Huh? No way.

Well, this is why I'm asking. The Italians ain't doing that, man. Yeah, I don't know. from Mount Carbonara to know, like, I can't met them, but I'm sure it wasn't cream, because it was, like, different to anything I've eaten. That's a crime. That's a cream crime. I'm not saying, I'm not saying.

He's not going to go to Florence, that there's going to be cream in the Carbonara, man. I think you've just got to be clear on it, you know? Because, like, if Pelham's going around ordering Carbonara's everywhere, probably got some creamy ones up. They did put a jug of single cream next to. Yeah. It was for dessert.

Yeah. It was incredible, though. It was like, yeah, it was a real smash of that, Carbonara. And do you think it was a real, It's because you were in Italy as well. There was, like, the surroundings. And we were tired and, like, it was like all those things of, like, we just got there.

We didn't quite know what was going on. A bit hungry. And then you just sit down. It was, like, quite a secluded little, like, weird area. And it was, like, nice temperature. And it was like, this is, I was like, this is going to be a good holiday. This is why people learn money. Yeah, yeah, this is why people are there.

Of course, that's what you said. And was it a good holiday? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a good, solid. Just you and your girlfriend? No, no, it was me and my full family. Not my girlfriend. I was only at 18 at the time.

Yeah. Now I can see even more why your girlfriend at the time banned you from having Carbonara in restaurants because she wasn't even there for when you had the Carbonara in the first place. And you know what? I would say the problem is it's quite a boring story. It's not a boring, it's a fine story, but once she was told that, sorry, 56 times.

Sure. Every time you're like, should we go through a romantic meal? Yeah, yeah. I'll be getting the Carbonara and then I'll be sad. Yeah, no. I'll be wishing I was. somewhere where you weren't originally. And you were never there for it.

Yeah. So I think the banning, you know when someone says you've got to stop doing this? And I think that's, I'm like, yeah, you are completely right. And now I just never order a carbonara. I've just let that. Oh, so you haven't had carbonara in ages? Not had a carbone in ages.

Because as I said, it is, when it is, normally it's quite bad. Like it isn't, and it's so heavy. So, but this one particular carbonara, that's why I had to get it as a starter. Yeah. Yeah, this is my food issue in life. Did the rest of your family have the carbonara? No, no, no, I was the only one.

And then I gave some to my parents. Idiot! You went, this is so nice, you've got to try it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little did you know, that was the pinnacle of your entire life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you gave some of it away to your parents. Yeah, I guess I'm just a great guy.

Yeah, I guess. Did they say that's amazing? They were enthusiastic about it, but they weren't. I mean, really, they should have started weeping and gone, this is the best thing that's ever happened in my life, including the birth of all my children. And then I'd have been like, they get it. Yeah, yeah.

They said they were, you seem to like the Carbon I enjoy. I was like, wait a minute. Wait a second. Good holiday, though. So you, your parents. My two sisters. Older sisters, younger sisters? Two older sisters.

Okay. And it was my birthday and my parents' anniversary. It's like four days apart. Yeah. So it was like a combined of those two things. Which one do you reckon got on? more kind of air time. Good question. In the holiday. Do you reckon it became more of a

birthday holiday or an anniversary holiday? I'd say, because it was an 18th yeah, which I think it was probably me. And I think that reflects how cool a person I am. 18th birthday. I'm in Florence with my family. I'm crying about Carbonara. I can't find money around the streets of Florence going, I deserve a better carbonara.

I love it. That sounds absolutely delicious. I also love that, because I didn't know, like, you were the youngest of three, and it just makes sense. Yeah, yeah. I love thinking about Little Johnny. Yeah. Running around after his sisters. Like, I love it.

Yeah. But like, hey, wait up. That's what I always think of, wait for me, guys. Wait a home. Yeah, I really like that image running around. Even though in Florence, you're 18, but in my head, you're like eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like running around, like scrappy doo.

You know, you've had this Carbanara. Is it the size of a main course that Carbanara? I think I'll talk to the genie about that. Can I just have as much space for eating as... Well, then, yeah, it's infinite. It can't be infinite, because then you're never going to get onto your main, are you? Or are you happy to not finish the infinite carbonara? Yeah, I think it's just always there as an option.

Because basically, every time I have an existential crisis about carbonaras, I've got some in the fridge, absolutely. Well, here's the thing, then. It's in the fridge. In your dream restaurant, you want an infinite carbonara that's fridge cold. Well, I guess that has to leave the restaurant, right? I can't just stay in the restaurant forever. So I'm just taking a vat of this carbonara.

Maybe someone's telling me the recipe. That's what's happening. Okay. Well, then I have to cook it. I don't like my chances. I imagine there's a chef who follows me around from this restaurant. Okay. And he lives in the bin with me.

Yeah. You're in Bobby. In our house. Somehow we were falling a chef. Yeah. He's not done well out of this deal. He was happy in Florence. Yeah.

Obviously, we're with us and the fox. That's a good sitcom. Yeah. Well, okay, let's say you can never get full And you've got an infinite amount of that carbonara It will never stop. When do you think you would stop eating it? And we'll just make it that size.

I guess so, but like, realistically, it's the best thing you've ever tasted. You absolutely love it. You start eating it. It's not even touching the sides at any point. I've no idea. Also, this, I think, sums you up. Do you? That you've gone with the best thing you've ever eaten

and it's ruined all food for you, and it's your starter. So this whole meal is going to be downhill from now on. Yeah, it can't be as good. Yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying, Ed. You're a wise man. Yes. You've seen the error of my ways. But, yeah, I don't care.

Basically, I'm having an infinite style. It's never ending. Goodbye. Okay, so your main course? I'm from Bradford. And Bradford... They won the Champions League, didn't they? selling,

2037. Yeah. So it's a curry. It's a curry. Because that's really, Bradford has, Bradford has gets a lot of stick. It's always on like worst places to live

that you can imagine in the UK. Yeah. It's always like, who's making that list? What sort of a twat? Yeah. It's coming down from London and being like, imagine living here.

Yeah. But we're really good at curry. So there's a few queries I thought. There's, I like live in a very Asian area. We're like one of two white families on our street. And basically every Eid, the food is just ridiculous.

It's like all the family's neighbors bring around, like, curry and samosa, and it is insanely good. Like, it's so good. And it is amazing. And then you do feel a bit guilty because we give nothing back. Because it's like, what would we, hey, there's a cottage pie. We have nothing to offer that. The one I'm going to go off at is my local curry place. We're just like a family restaurant.

It's called Habib's, and it is just such good curry. Yeah. And I would get a lamb mccani, which, um, mcani is a weird dish. Because I've added it every other place I go It's like a vibrant pink That doesn't exist in nature And I don't really like Because it's really sweet

But this one, I think they might be doing it wrong Because it's like yellow But it's so delicious It's just like the nicest curry I've ever had Is it very spicy? It's actually not that spicy I like spicy food

But this isn't very spicy It's more like just creamy And just like It's got a pineapple in it Which is a bit of a shocker Yeah, that is a bit of a shocker. But it really works, and it's, yeah, it's just a minute. And then, yeah, a bit of chapati and peel our ice and, yes, please.

Is the meat in there? What's the meat? Lamb. And the land's really tender. It's like, it's absolutely smashing, curry. Have you going to this place your whole life? My whole life, we call them up now, and they just know exactly what our order is. It's one of those places.

Yeah, yeah. That's what you want in life. And we had it at Christmas Eve this year because we were just like, we were only back for three days. We're like, all my family, right, we have to get a curry in. Yeah. So Christmas Eve had a curry in. And it was so good. What are your parents' orders?

My dad gets... Sometimes James asked the question when I was like, that's the most James question of all time. Why is that James' question? Because he wants to know, James' question is always, name your friends who are with you.

Tell us about your friends. That's not, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's always interesting the sort of real minutiae of what's going on. And what are your parents' orders is a very James question. Yeah, I love it that they know your orders

straight away. So I thought you must know their orders. And I like that everyone's got their own little. Yeah, yeah. No, I completely agree, but it's very funny. He's right. Yeah. My dad gets a chicken booner.

Yeah. And my mum, even though she's a meat eater, because both my sisters are vegetarian, will get a vegetable rogan Josh because she wants to, like, and let them have more choice. Because the great thing about curry is just smashing everyone's on everyone's plates.

Yeah, yeah. So she just lets my sisters have more choice because she's a kind woman. My dad, absolutely. roofless. Yeah. And your sisters, what are they getting? They get, one of them gets a vegetable

McCarnie. Yeah. And the other one gets a vegetable door piazza, I love it. Yeah. There you go, you knew. I love it. You know all of them? The restaurant knows all the orders. Did you ever go to the restaurant with your gang? With my gang? That you were in? I was in a gang at school

called the Blazing Bangladesh. It was just me in five Bangladeshi lands. And it was very fun. I was just, as soon as I knew, you were coming in, I was like, I can't wait to ask him about his gang. We love the gang so much. Again, I imagine you, you're just like, wait up, guys.

Blazing Bangladeshis. I was like the lawyer. Was it ever acknowledged that you were white in the Blazing Bangladesh's? Well, look, let me hear of... Was it ever acknowledged? I'd imagine day one it might have been. Well, I think I was anonymous, and that was part of the joy for me, because I got included in this group.

Because I went to pretty much an all-Asian, like I was the only white boy in my class. So that's why I had to psychoanalyze people, stack, get some rep. Like, you don't want to mess with him. You'll make your question your very existence. And the thing was, a lot of white kids got bullied, and I think subconsciously I looked at them and thought, I don't want that.

So instead I just became the most Asian boy I could be. Straight into a gang with them. Yeah, I knew how to swear that people's mum's in Bangladesh. Yeah. I knew all sorts. I was really, it was a great time to be left. And what's crazy is, it was only when I went to university. I was like, yeah, yeah.

I was in a gang of Bangladesh, lads. But people, I realized how weird it was. Yeah, sure. It's not everyone's lived experience. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know what it's like. On Friday, everyone goes to Mosque. You have to play alone.

How did you get in the gang? Did they invite you or did you like... Well, initially it was a five-side football tournament. Yeah. I was a goalkeeper. Again, that's a position you get if you don't want to be bullied. I was quite a good goalkeeper, which is the ultimate like, look, guys, I can fulfill a role.

Sure. No one wants to do. So I was quite a good goalkeeper. They were like, we need a goalie, and then we did quite well. We got to the final, and that is a bonding experience. I mean, I play a lot of football manager. I know how important team of all is. Yeah.

I was like, look, if we're going to win this competition next year, we need a gang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they all agreed before, you know. I mean, there was a time where... Were you there for the naming of the gang? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a founding member. Yeah.

Were there any other than I said, let's call ourselves the Blaz in Bangladesh's. Did no one look at you or you put your hand up and go, will that work for the whole game? I can't remember, I think that was a decent chance that I was the one who said, why do we call ourselves?

We're all the same, right? Yeah, a little pause. Okay, Johnny, we can call ourselves that. But people won't, when you're not with us, People won't assume you're in the game. It's the only problem for you. I wouldn't say the one,

no one suggested the Blazing Bangladeshis and Johnny. You know what I mean? I think I was in the core group. There were people who were like more satellite gang members. They must have been livid. Yeah. Especially if they were Bangladeshi, right? Yeah, they'd been like, who the fuck?

How was he so prominent in this? Yeah. And then look at me, I'd swear at their mum in Bangladeshi, and then go, he deserves to be it. Yeah, yeah. He's putting more work than us. He's put the work. Yeah. It's like someone in the Mafia, who's not Italian.

It's like he's done some stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like an Irish guy in the Mafia, yeah. Joe Irish will probably. That's a new like that. Like Joe Irish is in the Mafia, yeah. So this curry sounds lovely. I love people's, like, local curry houses that they grew up with.

Because, like, sometimes, you know, you get, you visit a mate, somewhere else in the country, visit their family. They take you to their local curry house. They will build it up so much before you go. and say how much they love this place you wait until you get there. And then every time you go and it's the same as any curry

you've ever had anywhere but you know they've grown up with it it means that much more to them no other curry in the country tastes as good and I do love hearing people talk about You've got that place? The Raj? Although I also shout out to the Royal Bengal

as well in Ketvin they're literally two doors down from each other That's stressful for them isn't it? Yeah. They're in constant competition. Imagine the lad's on Brick Lane. Yeah, yeah. I can't imagine.

That's not in Ketrim. Just saying it. But like... Sorry to get off track. I don't know what he's talking about, pretty lame. You don't know anything about Ketriam, man. It's not a place. They're not locking and road to these places.

Oh, sorry, sorry. That's what I meant. Yeah. Rocking and road. I've got bricks rocks. Yeah. The Curry Mile. Yeah. Of Ketri.

Well, that's Manchester. The 300 metres. But yeah. It is tense between them. Yeah. House of Spice, Raines Park. Shout out. House of Spice, Raines Park.

Habibes. I would like people to go there because I feel like they're doing well, but they could be doing better. Yeah, okay. So if you're in Bradford, go to Habibes. Don't mention me because I don't actually want to talk to them. Like, I really like them,

but the idea of knowing them knowing that I'd hate, I don't want that. Well, bad news, Johnny. You've mentioned it by name. You've made it sound really good. Yeah, yeah. Often the effect that it has on this podcast is people do go there and do mention to the owners, the podcast and the person.

I don't want to call up and do my order and I'm going, did you mention this on a podcast? Yeah. And I have to go, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were so sorry. I don't, I'd be like, oh, yeah, sorry. That's interesting. Why can't you deal with compliments?

Ed, I'm onto you. It seems like you're on to me. You can't say that in a therapy session. I'm on to you. I'm on to you. I'm on to you. I know what you're doing. My parents are therapist.

You can't pull this. Yeah, yeah. You're trying to break my own conscious habits, though, yeah? Well, they're staying stuck. That would be a good film. A young person whose parents are therapists doing something that means they have to go to therapy. Like being naughty and they're like, right,

you've got to go. It's like, going to therapy sessions. And then they're like, I'm on to you. They parapetize the therapist. Yeah, I know all these trips. The therapist is crying. Yeah. I would watch that.

Like Goodwill hunting, but, like, he's younger. Yeah, yeah. And as therapist. Maybe it's based on me. Yeah, I think so. I could play it. The kid could be in a gang? Yes.

The plays in Bangladesh's. Yeah. Cusses out the therapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really loving this. I'm seeing box office. I'm seeing a lot of money. You're seeing box office?

I'm seeing box office, yeah. You're seeing box office? The numbers are bad? Yeah, yeah. Box up, the presence of a box office does not mean it's done well. Right, well, that's good. That's good even thought to know.

How's my new film done on the phone to your agent? How's my new film done? Well, there's a box office. I just instantly just start cheering. Yes. Phone him up. Hello, is that box office? Yes.

How's good Johnny Pelham do? Bad. Thank you. Bobby? It's got box office. Your dream side dish. Your dream side dish. So we've got chappati and peel out

included with the Lammercani That's included Yeah that comes with That's a package of deal Comes with And I think I'm just going to stay at Habibis I do feel a bit boring about picking Abibes because it is only if it

represented a lack of imagination No, it means a lot to you It means a lot to you Does mean like to me Yeah Yeah yeah Stay at Habibs Do you want the starter to be in Florence

By the way at that restaurant And then you move to Habibs for your main Or do you want us to transport The Starter to Habibes Would it feel weird Eating a Carbonara In an Indian restaurant? Definitely

Definitely, that would be it. Sorry, it's the curry house. Yeah, it's an Indian restaurant. I don't know. Where do I want to be? Maybe in Florence would be, I think if I was going to be anywhere,

I'd be in Florence with the Carverna and the curry. Can you transport me anywhere? Yeah, I could do anything like that. Absolutely. I feel sorry for the Habibs. That often such a... Yeah, I feel sorry for the Habib's crew.

Do you? Well, also, I don't know if I'd like a curry that I'm used to eating in an Indian restaurant setting in an alleyway in Italy. Wouldn't feel right? I don't know if it's an alleyway. I've imagined.

That's weird. That's weird. That's what I've imagined. I've imagined it's in a little side street. Or it was an alleyway? Yes, basically an alleyway, yeah. Fair enough. It's sad that I say I did delicious carbon armour in Italy, and you've looked at me and gone, I imagine it's seen an alleyway in ever been.

Can I tell you why I imagine that? Because Florence, all of those big places in Italy, the nicest restaurants are down, like, rickety little alleyway side streety places because the food has to be. good because it's not touristy and the view's not good, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it probably was down an alleyway.

Yeah. Well, then, what's this about? In my head, I think in alleyway you meant like, it's like a, like a, but actually you're talking about quite a picturesque, beautiful little alleyway. No, it doesn't have to be picturesque. I mean, if there's a bin, that's fine. You know, you know, short walk home. I'm talking about bins and having a look at me. Yeah, yeah, it could be nice and come in, alright, bin, I imagine there's a lot bins surrounded you, you know, surrounded by bins. You're sat in the middle.

Yeah. So, we're standing in Habib's for the side dish. Yes, yeah, yeah. The side, I think it's just, they do these little fish-like pecorah things that are just properly top-notch. Yeah. They're like, lightly fried, I guess, like, I mean, you've eaten a pecorah. But it's really good version of that. I think I've had a fish one. Fish pecorah, no.

Yeah, they're top, they're really like, blow your head off good. My dad, you changed the order about three years ago. That was commotion everywhere. Pardon? And I thought he'd lost his mind. I thought, well, I'm clear he's got dementia or something. it's a first sign absolutely fine with it

clearly he's got a dimension I imagine this is the worst thing that's going to happen because of that yeah yeah food always leading to the end of your life you're like

you've got to take care of more down for 15 plus years watch his steady decline this is a shame because he's all to fish be caught but then it was eating it somewhere else

and he thought I'm going to give it a go he's a sort of you know he's a bold man And incredible, so good. So they would be a side dish. So are they super light, but also like they're like... Very, very, yeah, exactly that.

Very light. And you can really taste the fish in a way that you wouldn't imagine. Because they're probably not like full. They're not deep fried as much as you would deep fry pecorra, I guess. So they're like lightly fried. Then you can still taste of fish, which I presume it's like cod by some white fish in there. And it's, yeah, it's great. Sounds good.

I have a question about your parents being fair of this. Yep, yep. because you said your dad maybe heard about fish becares decided to try him if this is a great question yeah yeah I think I'm on the same page

obviously therapists can't go about repeating what they've had heard in the sessions what people have said to them yeah if in the session yeah the person's like talking about something

and they go I was at this restaurant and it's very difficult for me I went there because they do these amazing fish becoras they're just so good but I told and then they carry on with their story

and your dad when your mom clocks that and goes, that's not a tasty, actually. Are they allowed to go and in their life then go and get fish becores because someone mentioned it in a session and it sounded good. Are they allowed to take that

and do that in their life? Take recommendations from their... I thought you were going to say, if then in 20 minutes, could they then go, you mentioned earlier about these fish be corks? Before we go, I think just to sum up. Or asking leading therapy questions

being like, and yeah, this place you had the fish Pecoras, he must admit what, what was the name of the place? Because I think it'd be weird. Be good to know the name of the place to really understand you. Yeah, yeah.

Like, if I... And they're reasonably priced at. And this feels like a kind of curb episode or something. But if I said to my therapist, yeah, you know, it happened at this, there's this restaurant called Brat. Yeah.

It's delicious and da-da-da-da. I think it's the best restaurant in London. And then I went there a week later and my therapist was there having a meal. That's funny. I would be like, are you here?

because I recommended it. Because I said it was good. I thought it has to be anonymous. Yeah, you can't be. You can't be here. That is great. I think what you should do is you should start just mentioning delicious. Like, you should try and, like, set him up.

Yeah. Just keep saying it like, I have the best donuts you've ever imagined at this restaurant and then just see if he goes. If he goes, it'd be like, are you taking my recommendations for our sessions? That's private. It was the strangest thing that I didn't really know what my mum and dad did when I was like a kid. and I would see happy people

where they had an office in their office in the house and so I'd see these very happy people walking in and then an hour later they would just be weeping and they left and I wonder what is happening

in that space I guess Dan's telling them off I've been on the receiving end of that been there buddy someone's not clean their room you gotta pick up your leg on he hates it

He hates it. I love these fish becora. Are they spicy? Then they are lightly spiced, I'd say, but they're not like, blow your mouth off hot. Because sometimes when we have people come on and they stay in the same place for a different course, it can sometimes be, especially when it's their side, it can be a bit of a, okay, they're just doing that because it goes with that. Both of these sound delicious. Oh, I'm glad.

I love the sound of your main. I love the sound of this side dish. I would eat both of them. I'm glad that you've stayed in Habibs Yes I think it works really well I'm glad They sound a bit like

Saltfish Fritters Like Caribbean cuisine Oh yes They are like dumplings Deep fried saltfish Yeah yeah Fish running through them But they're not like Johnny cakes

No they're not like Johnny cakes Just to be clear What are Johnny cakes What Johnny cakes again I thought They're not to do with me No nothing to do with you Well that kind of

There's a cake I'm not cake Yeah you might pick cakes for you your dessert. They're like sort of flat bread batter type things like dumpling

sort of things yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to eat a Johnny cake. Are you? Not during this meal though. Not doing this meal though.

No. They're not the thing are all right, great. Yeah, we'll stay away from those. Normally, look,

for the listener, we never tell the guests what the secret ingredient it is, but I felt, oh fuck, we've led Johnny to this now. Yeah.

But there's no way I was going to say, I'll have a Johnny cake. Well, I didn't know they exist. To the extent, you were on the verge. I thought, we'd introduce you to what they are.

You said, oh, I'm going to eat one. And I was like... If the next sentence was, yeah, fuck it, why don't I put one on the menu? And then we go, get out. Yeah, that is unacceptable. So I did. Also, when Johnny found that out, he moved backwards,

but he'd had to move the microphone closer to him because he'd roll his chair backwards because he... I think I realised why treacherous group are either. It does sound to be like a Johnny cake, doesn't it? Oh, what's one of them? Oh, wow. You'd like those. Why don't you try one now?

I like that you thought, how can we get Johnny to say something? He'll probably say his name. If they're no name. And then if he follows that with cake. Cake, yeah. The simplest food is out. I would like a Johnny cake, please. I, and some Johnny Pecoras, every single food you say your name after yourself.

Johnny Carbonara. Johnny Carbonara sounds like quite the character. Well, he's in the mafia with Irish Joe, isn't he? He's starting getting the blaze among the ice you, but he's not like, We're not letting him in. Go away, Johnny Carbonara. Yeah. Come on, guys.

I love living in bread. Put me on the wing. I can go to Froins. I can play soccer. I'm Johnny Carbonara. It's a good character, isn't it? Yeah. I love that.

I think you can make that into a sketch, Johnny Carbonara. Yeah, yeah. Making's one of my sketches, I do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of your many sketches. Like, do you want to interview Johnny Carbonara for the blaze in Bangladeshis? trying to get in the gag? What bit of Bangladesh do you feel most proud of?

Oh my God, I just love Bangladesh, you know? I love the cuisine, I love the people. I just feel Bangladeshi at heart. I'm Johnny Kavanaugh. You're in? You're welcome addition to the gang. Fantastic. To honestly, it was quite easy to get in the gang.

We were actually in the crew, and people were leaving. This isn't the social. This doesn't help me socially, has that I mean? Imagine they were still getting bullied. It doesn't help to that. It just allows the bully to know the group to bully now. Yeah, okay, great. There he is.

Was there ever a situation where so many Bangladeshis had left, you had to recruit more white people, and then it was a fully white gang called the Blazing Bangladeshis. That would have been amazing. Like a kind of atomic kitten situation. Sugar babes. Sugar babes. You said Sugar babes with almost anger there.

Sugar babes. You said a mystery about it. Next. I imagine if once, like, Sugar babes. replaced themselves with members of atomic kit and it turned into

a topic but they're still called the sugar babes yeah that would have been the most confusing imagine I wouldn't mean

dead confusing imagine if sugar babes changed the name to Blazing Bangladeshes that would be confusing that would be very

confused and also copy right there's a chance I can make some money from that yeah yeah but that would be

quite the news story but we're going sorry this guy he owns the name he owns the name Blaz in Bangladesh and now he's

taking the sugar babes to call that would be a bad look for you I think he'd be a villain on the internet if you tried to sue some of using the name blazing back

with the money. You just start to take the money in wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is why people make money. This is why people make money. This is why people sue Atomic Kern. Your dream drink. Where are we going for this?

Interesting question. I guess we're now in London, overlooking London, on like a balcony. And I'm having a margarita. Lovely.

I love a margarita. Didn't really get into margaritas for about five years ago. Started drinking them too much and what I've learned about myself. Really looked at James there. Did he like,

he proper stuck his face for, too much, too much. I don't like that accent. You did a beer. Yeah, look at that accent. Not as good as the Johnny Carbonara one. Do much. That's what you sound like,

you do. I'm from your option. Whenever I turn new accents, I have to say where I'm doing And also, I can't do accents. Is that what you had to do in the Blazing Bangladesh? I wasn't doing an accent. Can you imagine?

Can you? You wanted to fit in? I think that's like day one out of the gang. Surely. He lasted two seconds in the gang and no prizes for guessing why. Now we're the ones who bully him. The problem with Margaritius, though,

is I get quite cantankerous after about four. So I'm really jolly, really jolly. And suddenly I'm like, Is this relationship even working? It's just insane shift in everything. Yeah. It's weird because it's tequila, isn't it? So it should be lifting you up and making you happy.

That's what the big PR for tequila is these days. It's an upper. It doesn't make you cantankerous, but you are here to say. I'm swilling it around. I'm a bit dropping out of the glass. What is love? Is this meal? While overlooking London. Yeah.

Do you have a particular place that you like to get a margarita from, the best marguerice you've ever had. There was a place, I think it's called like 20 stories high in, I don't know why I spoke like that, in Manchester, that's good. So maybe there, but that isn't in London. So I guess. It's high though.

Thank you for letting me know. The Manchester's not in London. We have a lot of international listeners. They could do with being told that. They probably don't know. You could drink it in Manchester and be so high up on a building that you're overlooking London. That's what I want.

I mean, even the fact of that's impossibility in this universe is wonderful. Just that, you can just do anything. 20 stories high, man. Yeah, it would have to be 17,000 stories high. And you get binoculars when you come in. Is it called 20 stories high, Benito, have you found it? 20 stories. Oh, we just called 20 stories.

So people couldn't get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they didn't think 20 stories was high, I thought I'd let them know that it's pretty high. Well, is it spelt like stories in a building. Oh, it's stories and tales, so it's not even about being higher. 20 stories? I didn't, I'd never go.

that. I was always pissed on Margherty's going, this is a stupid name. You spelled snorby wrong, you idiot. We're on the ground floor. You sounded a bit like Johnny Carbonara, then. Yeah, you've become Johnny Carbonara, that's true on the go. Yeah, you become Johnny Carbonara, that's fair. Oh, so 20 stories.

Okay, let's say... Oh, no. What? I just thought you were going to get Johnny to tell 20 stories. You don't have to tell them, but... There's too many stories. Just briefly, your favourite 20 stories. That's a different podcast.

Podcast 20 stories, James. We should do that podcast, top 20 stories. Just call it 20 stories. I'd say it's an overwhelming number of stories because I can tell stories. I don't want to brag or anything, but I've got a lot of, in my head. But once I said, do 20 stories,

your brain goes, ah, so many fucking stories. I don't know how to do that. Maybe the podcast would be 20 episodes, story each episode. Yeah, yeah. Or, like, tell four stories. Like a starter.

Yeah. A story mail. Story mail. Yeah. A story mail. Or, yeah, we could do it as a story per episode, call it 20 stories, record it at the bar 20 stories, and just get more and more pissed on margaritas throughout the whole thing.

That is a great, that is a great podcast. I would be a guest on that podcast, right, doubt. Is that the problem with cocktails is you just drink them, I just forget, intellectually, I'm like, oh, there's a lot of alcohol in here, this will get me hammered. Yeah. And then that just goes out of window completely. And I just neck them.

At the time, so you think you're funny, Edinburgh, friends thing. me and Harriet Kemmesley just got apps and they were giving three cocktails out just couldn't have been more pissed and then decided to do the dirty dancing

and then Harriet charged at me like a terrified bull sprinting across a dance floor presumably thinking I was an expert dancer and jumped in the air I couldn't catch her

we just to everyone watching it just looked like Harriet comes in ran across the room and speared me And that's one of the stories. We arrive at your dream dessert, Johnny Pelham. Well, I think it's quite boring this,

but it's a sticky toffee pudding. That's not boring. It's a classic for a reason. It's the thing I eat at... And also, when I was like... The fact that we both said it together. It's like we're a married couple who've been together for like 40, 50 years.

But we still love each other. Yeah, we still love each other, but we say stuff like, it's a classic for a reason at the same time, when people go, they haven't even got their own thoughts anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These two. Because it isn't, I think that's so true, it isn't romantic that. When you get to say to every sentence, you know what the young person's going to say, it's like, that's not romantic. You're bored.

I think it's the pinnacle of romance. Do you? Yeah, I love it. It's like, you can be Google to your, yeah, to your partners. Yeah, yeah. When they're going, what was that thing I'm trying to remember

and then you know exactly what it is yeah yeah yeah well that that's different though but like I would say like in terms of like someone saying stuff and then the couple both just say the same thing had the same opinion about it and use you know cliched phrases that is that you're nowhere near that

no no if I asked you and Charlie something we're very different yeah yeah yeah you're both just say the same opinion yeah we're the opposite actually all of my opinion is really upset well that I think that's healthy they're bad opinion Oh, I know. They're not nice opinions.

Those WhatsApp groups of pinging. Heaven's talking about Ed. Do you speak to I gamble, hey, fucking. Have you heard his opinions? You've heard his opinions? This guy. Yeah, Sticky Toppy Bunny. And I think, like, a specific time,

basically when I was about 10, I started walking home from school by myself. And that was like... That's obviously going to make James laugh. Why are you laughing at that? Well, okay, it's funny. A lot of me's funny. So it's funny imagining you as a little 10-year-old walking home by yourself from school,

feeling like a big, big man. I think like a big man. It's a big thing. They trust me correctly. It's funny when an adult says stuff like that, it still sounds like a little kid boasting that they walk home from school. Even though I know that you're not doing it. I want people to know.

That was a boast. And it reminded me of starting to walk to and from school by myself. And on route was this garage. and where all the mechanics worked and if you looked through the window there was a porn calendar so I just remember that from walking to him from school

which would always just glass in the windows see some boobies you were laughing and slightly about but also couldn't believe it like couldn't believe these men had a picture of a naked woman on the wall I can't wait to be that old it's not that couldn't wait to be that

no I was a little Christian boy so I was like I can't believe that this is happening and that they do that around each other going there's a naked woman, let's all look at it together share that, write our appointments underneath it. You know, like it was crazy.

I bet the second half of the walk was slower than the first, wasn't it? Yeah, I was hunched over. Blood gun all over the blame. Yeah. Lightheaded. Yeah. It was boozy. Sorry, I'm late-miss.

I went past the garage and said, Jake, you've got to stop walking past that carriage. I must go to the toilet immediately. Yeah. Confess on it because I'm a little question, but I looked at the naughty calendar again. So naughty, but I love it. I'm so sorry, I love it. Forgive me.

Yeah, imagine like, yeah, I know. The calendar thing is weird, isn't it? Important calendar. Yeah. It's all weird. And that time where, like, there was just page three existed. Yeah.

Look back to that, it's like, it's just in absolutely an insane period of life. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Even though now it's like the internet and it's the fucking Wild West in terms of porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then it was like...

Well, at least it's private. You know what I mean? At least it's like... It's just so crazy that it was just next to the bananas in Tesco. A newspaper woman with a tits out. Yeah. Imagine being like, oh,

writing in a doctor's appointment below like Nicky 19 from Manchester. Feels weird, isn't it? It's very weird. My prostate checked. Lovely breasts up there. I can't wait until next month as a new lady.

I hope I make it. Doc, please tell me it's good news. It's the first of the month tomorrow and I can't look forward already. I'm clippering through the whole thing if it's bad to. I'm going to have to look at the back for the little preview squares. Do they have rude advent calendars?

They must do. I've never seen one. Funny if they do. open up a door and a dick just popped out a 3D a 3D dick just open the door

really realistic how big how big really big just a 7 inch yeah the first door as well so the rest of the day are

how we're going to work around this all these other doors I've got to lift up this dick every time I'm making the other doors I can't believe it what's the dick made out of is it a real dick somehow they've done it

somehow they've done it done it, where you open it up, and a full, the dick comes out. The 17th, I've got to lift this dick up. Lift this dick up. That's another one. The 24th the calendar comes on you. That's fuck's sake. They do it for like, oh, Jesus.

It's a Christmas thing glory hole. Yeah, exactly. That's what you got in your hands. That's good stuff, man. Benito's looking very upset about that. It doesn't like the, doesn't like the calendar with the, As soon as I said, for the listener, when I said, do you think they have rude advent calendars?

Benito went, oh, God. Yeah, yeah, don't do that. It's like, I can see there's a riff on its way that I'm not going to enjoy. Don't do this for me. I've got to re-listen to these when I edit them. And if it goes down well with the listeners, we'll listen to it again for the end of year special.

Don't do this to me. Oh, God, they're all laughing. If it's going down, if it's going down one in the room, it'll probably go down well when I releases. It's a like a nightmare. Don't make me Google that. He didn't want to Google it. Yeah, sorry, the look was actually from Benito saying

don't make me Google if it's rude album. Don't make me Google Vood Advin'Conlin. So I'm pretty sure the one that we riffed isn't real. Yeah. There probably is little porn. There'll be a video of that though. Yeah, yeah. Someone will be able to make that video.

Yeah, yeah. No context off, man. You'll do an advert for a rude advin column where a dick pops out of door one. And then I'd like a second video of the person having to open another door but lifting the dick up to get to it. That's my favourite.

bit. Yeah, the dick admin. You very rarely have to do dick admin in life. Yeah. Fucking out. Open that way. And some of them,

I thought that some of them won't be pornographic. So they had to lift up the dick and open one it's like just a little picture of Christmas pudding. And then they're going to put the dick back down over it.

But also the balls are in behind a separate door, but not directly below the dick. How have they done this? It's like a magic trick. Fagasso dick. Dickato. There's ass in there as well.

Yeah. That's another hole. Oh, another door, sorry. 4Dien slit. Right. Now are we going to get back from this. The dessert. Oh, yeah.

Sticky toffee pudding. Ticking on my... Oh, God. Oh, no. That's another door. You think it? So I walked back from school, a little tenure on me. That was me walking.

Then I would just, there was like, you can get two sticky toffee puddings for like one pound 50 or two quid from Tesco. And I just get them, whack them in the microwave and just eat them both. It was something in my life where I was like, life's going to be okay. Yeah, yeah. I can do this. I'm in control. Yeah, yeah. This is huge.

It's like, look, capitalism has many flaws. but if you can make two sticky coffee puddings from $199. It's a good system. Yeah. I think those are like when you're a kid and you think when I'm an adult, I'm just going to get this and eat it all the time. I can eat this whenever I want it. It's going to be so great.

And obviously when you are an adult, it does wear off a bit. There's still moments in my life where I go, I catch myself and go, this is amazing. Yeah. But like those are maybe the greatest moments in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that sense of like possibility. You're like, when this, I'm so free. Yeah.

Like, I could just do this forever. Yeah. And that would be, when you're 10, you think, that would be such a good life. Yeah. Like, that would just be a sticky toffee pudding forever. Walking home from work, two sticky toffee puddings in the microwave. Ding dong. Ding dong.

Great life. I love those. Those forms a large part of my childhood, I think, the puddings that you put in the microwave in, like, the white, in the white plastic tubs and you tip them up on the thing. Sticky to off your chocolate one I really like to all. Chocolate one is actually. Like chocolate fondant ones you could get. Yeah, yeah. I'd forgotten about them.

They were amazing, actually. I did a lot of... I worked in a lot of, like, pub kitchens. So a lot of the puddings were that. But, like, those ones in the pots. And then you take the film off, turn it upside down, put it in the microwave. So I was eating a lot of them,

but, you know, sneakily, when the head chef wasn't enough. Yeah. But did that make them taste nicer? Yeah. You were stealing. It was illicit. Yeah.

It was great just like... Sneaky toffee puddings. Sneaky toffee pudding. That's more of my nickname at the kitchen. No, it wasn't. Huh? It's the Mash King. is the mash king

yeah because I made a great mashed potato I did at the time you know you still have you lost the skill I think so I think I probably lost it you know I would have to really I think I'd get the ratios wrong of all the stuff I was putting in now

I think I could still mash with the best of them but I don't think I'd get all the ratios right interesting yeah you used to develop a knack for it at the time it's a sixth sense yeah not I wasn't seen ghost doing just make him mash yeah a different film yeah I made good mash

Yeah, that was from the bear initially. Well, good for you. It's got the sixth sense. It's going to make an amazing match. Yeah. Bruce Willis to find me around and shown him. He's like, you know I'm a ghost, right? It's like, who cares?

Look at the match. I think it's a big deal. I read your menu back to you now, Johnny. See how you feel about it. Woo-hoo. You want still water. You want a French baguette with too much butter. Yeah.

You want the Carbonara from Florence. You would like, for your main, the Landmacani from Habibs, in Bradford with a chapati and pila rice side dish the fish becora also from Habibs

drink a margarita from 20 stories in Manchester but you want it 20 stories up in London and the dessert you would like two sticky toffee puddings

on the way home from school microwaved by your 10 year old self and your 10 your 10 when you have it yeah why not I live in this world memory on 10 really delicious

I desperately want to go to Habibs now yeah it is good If you're in Bradford, go to Habibs. Next time I am in Bradford, and God willing or will be, I'm going to go to Habib's. City of Culture this year. And I will say Johnny Pelham sent me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like Johnny Pelham's order, please. Oh, yeah, yeah, they'd probably... I would like the Pelham. No, that's confusing, because your whole family has different orders. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just get five coverage. Jesus, I can crack.

So much stuff. Johnny Carbonara, thank you so much for coming on the off-menu podcast. It's been a pleasure. What a great menu. We'll see. soon. Bye-bye. Thank you, Johnny. Goodbye. Well, there we are. Johnny Palin. What a lovely episode. An honour. A pleasure and a privilege. A pleasure and a priv. I think that is the most we've

nearly led a guest to say it to choosing the secret ingredient. And I hope the listeners will forgive me that I basically came clean and said to Johnny that is the secret ingredient. I think we had to. Because look, he hadn't heard of it. He wasn't going to choose it. It wasn't and be on his menu, but we were almost telling him like, no, you'd like him, John. He was like, oh, I might try one. And I thought that might happen when I brought up saltfish,

saltfish, when I brought up saltfish fritters. Because you made them sound similar. You were saying about it. I mean, I guess it's a similar sort of base. It's like batter based, right? But I thought that might happen, but I thought surely James isn't cruel enough to try and lead him that. I wasn't going to try and lead him on. And then I remember who I was dealing with. I thought we've got

to clarify that these aren't Johnny cakes. Yes. So I clarified it, but then obviously, I forgot on why we'd chosen Johnny Case, because his name was Johnny. So obviously, Johnny was then like, oh, yeah, Johnny Cakes. Johnny Cakes, that's me. What are those? Oh, they sound nice. I might try one.

I was like, uh-oh. Uh-oh, he's going to put it on the menu. What have I done? Yeah. This isn't fair. It wasn't on the menu. It wasn't. For those people who still seem to think that the secret ingredient is if a guest mentions

them at all, they get kicked out. That would be crazy. No, it's if it's on their menu. If it's on their menu, why would it be if they just say it? Yeah. That's crazy. Thank you, Johnny. That's crazy.

That's crazy stuff. Johnny Pelham's fantastic. So good. Go and see Johnny do stand up. Yeah. And Johnny's at the Edinburgh Fringe with his show. Is It Me? Until the 25th of August for tickets, go to Edfringe.com.

It might even be the Edinburgh Festival now. It might be right now that you're listening to this episode. So go and see Johnny's show. Go and see Johnny's show. Very, very funny man. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you next time. Bye-bye.

Goodbye. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.