Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Joy Crookes

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Mercury Prize and Brit Award-nominated singer-songwriter Joy Crookes is in the Dream Restaurant this week. But can she make Ed and James understand the concept of a performative male? Joy Crookes’s new album ‘Juniper’ is out now. Buy it and listen to it here. Joy Crookes is on tour now. For dates and tickets go to joycrookes.com Follow Joy Crookes on Instagram @joycrookes and TikTok @joycrookesmusic Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 13 NovOff Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive, and Pippa Young.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh no, it's James Acaster from the off-menu podcast, the podcast that you are listening to, and I have some news. I am going on tour around America, North America, from the 20th of January, starting in Toronto, and then finishing once again in Canada, in Vancouver on the 15th of February. And in between, I'm going all over the place, I'm going to Philadelphia, Boston, Washington, D.C., Nashville, Austin, Texas, New Orleans, Atlanta, New York, Chicago, Denver, Los Angeles, San Francisco. You don't even need to edit that, like, to be smooth, Benito. They know I'm scrolling through my phone.

That's what the cool kids do these days. James Acaster.com for tickets. I'm pretty happy with that. Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the Maltese of Conversation, sucking off the chocolate of bad vibes, and letting the friendship melt across your tongue. You didn't like that, James? No. Ed Gamble there.

Off-Many podcast. My name is James Akeyes of that, is Ed Gamble. Oakley-do, do, neighborinos. And, huh? God's sake. what why are you being Flanders again I thought it'd be a good thing to start doing I think the longer this podcast goes on for

I think the more we have to like bring in new things that we do that are running jokes I agree but it's not why because you've done this for another podcast today which has been out already yeah but I guarantee you will forget the next time we record to be Flanders

well you know a bit of fun for the listeners well they'll be able to tell because these go on YouTube now so you'll be wearing the same thing. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, if people work out which two episodes we record on the same day, Benito will send us on shopping board. Oh, yeah, good point.

That's a good new running idea. Yeah, we can do that. Yeah. Hey, Benito, don't have a cow, man. That is a gamble. My name is James Aincaster. Bart, isn't that Bart? Yeah.

Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week, we invite a guest and ask them a favorite ever start a make-horse dessert, side dish and drink. And this week, our guest is, Joy Crux. Joy Crooks. A very talented musician, singer and producer and all of these businesses, James. All of these businesses. I saw Joy at Glastonbury. Yes. Absolutely fantastic set. One of the most talked about sets at Glastonbury, I would say.

By you or by everyone? By everyone. I mean, when I was at the festival, a lot of people were saying that was one of the best things they'd seen. And then you come out of the festival and you see all the press and all the stuff about it. And it was coming up all the time there as well. So, you know, I think... You wouldn't catch me going to that place, but I'm happy for joy and I'm excited to talk to her. Yep.

For the listener, Ed finds it impossible to hear about Glastonbury without having to assert that he wouldn't go. Well, as everyone, I think, who wouldn't go to Glastonbury. Yeah. It's like, it's a reflex thing. They have to go. I would never go to that. It's very boring, but I think we all do it.

I like it. Yeah, I like it. I would not go. Joy's new album, Juniper, is out now. So make sure you listen to that. We're going to ask Joy about it as well. But listen, we love Joy crooks, but if Joy says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we'll have to kick her out of the dream restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is almond joy. Almond Joy, you've picked this one, James. Obviously, Joy.

It's a chocolate bar in America. It's basically like a bounty for the UK listeners, which is most of you. Yeah. But it's got the word joy in it. That's... Yeah, it's simple. Simply all the thought I've put into it there. Done. Why does it say toast on this press release? The PR, your dog is the PR for Joy Crooks Your dog started doing PR Man, oh no I don't know how good toast is going to be at PR

We're going to end up interviewing like a ball Yeah, well, oh, Benito We're going to end up interviewing a ball What would, if a dog was a PR, who would they get on? A ball, and a bone And a cat they've chased into the studio A posty Yeah, posty

You should speak to the posty I get you to posting That guy's doing so well at the moment And it would just be a trap for the posting Yeah it'd be a trap for the post Yeah And toast gets him when he comes into studio I should be in the poster

You should let me in I should be there Make sure if we got smoothly You guys should speak to my favourite food Toast such a crazy PR But does represent Joy Crook So it does come good sometimes Yeah

So that's good This episode will be on YouTube tomorrow Yeah, people can see us in front of the Richard and Judy kind of set that Benito's built in the studio. If Toast signs off on the video. Yeah, Toast has to sign off. He's very strict as a PR rep agent. So hopefully you'll sign off on it, it'll be okay.

He has to come in to do that, though, because he can't use the online one. Yeah, if there's pause? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, has to come in. He's a dog, for goodness sake. Oh, I don't know, yeah, I'll sign off on this who can go on the internet. Have you given any more thought to the post the episode? the ball, please. This is the off-menu menu, menu of Joy Crooks.

Welcome Joy to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks. Hello. Welcome Joy Crooks to the Dream Restaurant for some time. How's it going? Good. We only just, you were commenting on the cameras before we started, and I've only just, like, that bit there that I just did,

I was a lot more comfortable doing that when we weren't being filmed every single time and I knew people weren't going to watch full episodes and see me do it because in the past they can just imagine me bursting out of a lamp like a genie but now they're seeing me just doing that and it's a bit more embarrassing

I feel like I'm just in a state of shock because you were both really subdued when I walked in and that just really felt like we turn it on for the cameras yeah and it's not a bad thing you know you have to sometimes that really shocked me Wow.

Hello. Sometimes we have had to warn people. I had to warn Ed Shearin. Yeah, but you would have to warn Ed Shearer. He has a pond, you can swim in. Does he? He's got a pond? Yeah.

He's got like one of them, like all them the billionaire ponds. Because it's basically a pond that they've now rebranded ponds to look like posh swimming pools because you can swim in them. But they've got like algae in them and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know someone who's got a billionaire pond. It really like blows my mind how you can just rebrand things, you know? Like a pond, an algae, but now that a billionaire owns it, it's okay.

I didn't know about this. Like Mr. Darcy? Well, yeah, I mean, it kind of, it's a bit E. coli-ish, isn't it? Yeah, I wouldn't. I went to a party at someone's house and he had that pond. Did everyone leave with E. coli? Possibly, but I mean, I didn't, because they were like, and later on in the party, I hope you brought your trunks, we're all going to go for a swim. I'm not going for a... Definitely have leeches.

Swim at a party, thank you. They have leeches. Yeah. There's no doubt. There's full of leeches. Yeah. I pulled a leach off someone once because I didn't know you're meant to but salt on it.

Oh, yeah. Okay. What year was this? Two years ago. Leaches, two years ago. Canada. They've got snapping turtles as well. Yeah.

Just like agro turtles, which is a bit weird. But I didn't get on the wrong side of them. That was okay. But basically, a mate walks out of a big lake. Yeah. There's loads of lakes there. In fact, more lakes than ever, I think.

Yeah, they love lakes. They love it. But isn't it like one of the most lake-filled places in the world? Yeah. Lake filled. Big time. Great lakes. This is how you know.

I called geography advanced colouring but she just walked out of this lake and she had a leech on her foot and I saw it because you know you walk out of the weird ladder thing and I was behind her and I thought oh god you shouldn't have that on you and I just went and yanked it off

but you're not meant to do that is what the Canadians tell me because they're sucking they're sucking blood right at this point I don't know I just was like that you're not meant to be there mate you're not paying rent right that's not your foot and then I didn't put the salt on and I just pulled it off yeah Was it painful?

Well, it wasn't her. It was on someone else. I didn't really know her that well either. I just pulled her. I said, oh, God. And I just chucked it back in. Yeah. Didn't go for me, though.

See, I didn't know you were supposed to put salt on the leech. I didn't know they might to put salt. I know you weren't meant to pull it off because it can then puke back into your body. It's sucking the blood. And as you pull it, it can go, and then puke the blood back inside you.

Well, thanks very much. Give it back. Yeah. Not with added pukes. Yeah, but maybe their pukes got like Ed Sheer and Pond effects. I don't know. Yeah, it might be healing. It could be good for you.

Yeah, and people just don't know that. Yeah, yeah. Good old leach puke. I'm so glad we could get this out the way of thinking about it all morning. Yeah, no, I mean, I could see you had that ready to go when you came in. It was really scratching my mind. I hope we talk about leach puke. Sounds like a band I would listen to.

Before we started the podcast, Joy did say to us, I'd really like to talk about leach puke and not my new album, Juniper, please. That was what you said. What a lovely link into the promo section. Yeah, yeah. That's my little link there. That was really well done for that. Very excited about this new album.

As a lot of people are, I saw you at Glastonbury. It was fantastic. Oh, thanks. What can you tell people about this? I mean, there's a lot of guests I'm excited about and the singles have sounded great. But where are you with it now? How long do you have to sit with the album before it comes out? This one about 763 years.

Wow. Wow, that's a long time, actually. It was a while. Well, it felt that way. But no, I really like this album, actually, and I like performing it. I realized I like it. I realized I liked it along the way, but I realise I really like it because I go to rehearsals now.

I'm rehearsing for tour at the moment, and I'm really enjoying playing the music. And that is a good sign. That's a really good sign. Yeah. Imagine if you're in there going, oh, no. I've been there. There are things where I've been like, oh, Jesus. And also just when it doesn't feel like we're getting the music.

But I get on, I call my band The Mates. We're called Joy Crooks and the Mates And they really are my mates They're just such a funny bunch of boys And then just playing the music Feels really good And I don't know I feel like I can connect to it quite easily

And relate to the topics Even though I wrote it a little while ago Do you ever sit down to like Rehears for the tour And come up with stuff for the songs You're like oh We should have had that on the album All the time

Like you add a little something All the time It drives me nuts It really drives me crazy. There's like guitar riffs I come up with. At the moment, I'm playing Omnichord in one of the songs. Oh, nice. Yeah, that we've like plugged through. This is really boring music stuff, but like plugged through a guitar pedal, so it sounds really cool. And I'm just like, why did I not, why did I not do that? Why did I not play

Omnacord during Glastonbury? Yeah. Don't worry about boring music stuff. We're, we're music nerds. Okay, good. We're here for it. Good. Well, yeah, I just, there's always something I feel like I could have added, or with my vocals as well. I'm like, why did I not go there and I did that on the record you know there's always something but I think that's what makes live so fun because you can just have a new version

of the tunes in your own way have you ever released a live album sorry never would you do it probably if I didn't think it sounded shy well that's yeah that's we assume that that's a given yeah yeah yeah okay

do you have any favourite live albums by other artists because I think I think they get overlooked quite a lot, but the good ones. Yeah, great. Unplugged. One of the best. Nirvana and Lauren's unplugs are just like ridiculous. Yeah.

But like yeah, Kirkabane's unplugged is just unreal. I actually haven't listened to it in 10 years or something. I used to listen to it a bunch when I was a kid. My dad just really loved that record and it would be on all the time. And I don't know, that specific set up. And also, strangely, the acoustic guitars, like Lauren's acoustic guitar. She didn't even play it that well. But it wasn't about that.

and Kurtz, I don't know, it just sounded, the sound was amazing. And it was funny how you can connect to such a like bare-boned version of those tunes, which is testament to the fact that the tunes are insanely good, you know? Yeah, it made me appreciate his voice even more that album. Definitely. It's like, I think I've maybe took it for granted a bit on the noisy album, the full band albums, but like, with that unplugged one, you really hear how good his voice is. It's mad.

Totally, and you hear how good the riffs are too, because you can put them on acoustic. guitars and they still bang, you know, so. You can't do Omnicord Unplugged, though. That's the one thing you'll have to... You can, because it's battery powered, actually. Blam. A loophole. That doesn't feel like within the spirit of the unplugged to have battery powered.

Well, maybe we have different spirits. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's allowed to have different spirits. But if I think I can see you do unplugged and you were using a battery powered Omnicord, I'd be like, that's not a loophole, I appreciate. I should probably have like a, you know what Joni Mitchell played on her lap, like those how old things.

Yeah. Like, what are they called? Well, it looks like a nominal cord, but it is an actual, like, thing. I don't know, it looks like something you knit with. Or like to make a rug with. Like a loom. Yeah, that. I only found out what they were called the other day.

I looked at it. My friend has one in the house, and I looked at it. And I was like, oh, that's a nice little nitty thing, isn't it? And she was like, oh, no, that's a loom. And now I know what a loom is. No, you know what that is. As a lyricist, when you pick up stuff like that, you're like, oh, that's a nice word. I'm going to put that in a song, loom.

It's funny you should mention this, because I have a, little problem with words, even though I'm a lyricist. So my boyfriend made me a book called Joyisms, which is British proverbs that I annihilate by accident and say with pure confidence. Yesterday I did one, I said, make yourselves home. Make yourselves home. Yeah. All my mates are over for an Indian takeaway. I think that's nice, though. It's wrong, though. It's wrong. It's definitely wrong. They get worse. fruits of my labia was one

yeah that's a bad one that's chapter one of joy isn't you take a breath and they take a month yeah great what does that mean does that mean the sky is the ocean

is something I said I think I might have said it to someone younger than me when they were asking for advice and I was like look the sky is the ocean you're like Del Boy they came away from that Chat being like, I'm more confused than I was going in. Literally, I used to say half a dozen, three of the other as well.

I never really knew what that meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't mean anything. Two sides are the same cloth. And I just get them wrong all the time. I said grandma's tales the other day. It's old wives' tales, isn't it? Yeah.

But, I mean, grandmas can be old wives as well, right? My friends thought I meant actual, like, cat tails. Oh, right. Okay, sorry. Yeah. So, yes, I. I hear words like loom, but there's a 98% chance I'm going to say it. Either say it wrong or put it into the wrong thing, you know what I'm saying?

If you say fruits of the loom, that's just a... Fruits of the loom. That's just the popular T-shirt. That's a really good T-shirt. Yeah, I love those T-shirts. Fruits of the Loom, I always think of when I used to go to gigs and then come out and the guys are selling the knock-off merch outside. They're always better, though.

Well, no, because certainly the ones I've bought in the past are like the logo, screen printed over the fruits of the loom logo so you can still see fruits of the loom showing through there's a viver That's kind of a vibe Yeah, that's the vibe Yeah, I think so We always start with still a sparkth and water

Joy, do you have a preference? Always sparkling. Always. Now singers don't always say always sparkling water because of the bird factor. I'm not just any singer. I'm a sparkling water singer.

Yeah. This is Joy Crooks we've got in the studio, man. I've got, it's a shame that this is a podcast, really, because I was going to show you my burp dance. But luckily we've got these strangely horizontal cameras. We've got big long cameras. So, basically, everyone always asked me, there's this one dance movie if I do where I do this on stage.

Oh, nice. But just massive burps every time. Huge ones. Sometimes I go over to my bass player to look like we've got some, like, chemistry, I'm burping straight into his face. That's chemistry of a sort, as a boat. Straight burp. You know what, when cats cough, it looks like.

that as well. Poor fucking guy. So really you're turning away, you're burping, but you're keeping your mouth shut, you're not doing like a... I can do multiple different kinds of burps. Can you take a suit? I can back through my nose. Can you?

Yeah. You never had that one where it just feels like you, especially with sparkling water. Yeah. Especially if it's a good one, like a Viti Catalan. What is it, Vichy Catalan? No, it's Vicky Catalan. It's Vicka. I'm going to trust you on that, am I?

Well, I have VIT. I'm going to trust fruit of the labia on what they're going to sparkling water. When I have Vicky I burp out my nose Just consistently out of the nose Can't show you out because you're giving me a coffee Yeah But you can just

And it just comes out of the nose Yeah I know what you mean It's not like Out of your nostrils it makes a burps Yeah that's what I was thinking That's what Edward's thinking You're burping in the mouth

And you're releasing it through the nose You're not burping straight out the nose It's like a bit of both Can I just say really quickly Sorry to sidetrack But you've got a green shirt on A white mug and like slightly orange trousers Have you heard of the Instagram page

accidentally island No What's that Can I Do you mind If I take a picture Yeah Yeah

Is it going Is it going straight To accidentally island I'm going to go On accidentally island Yeah Because you've got You've got the Irish flag

On by accident Yeah I've accidentally worn the Irish flag Well No it's the white mug too Yeah the white mug's done it Do you know what

White guy It's an honour Yeah I'm a very white man You'd have to put You'd have to have Like a croctop on Then you can have white

The Strait Midriff Yeah yeah I know I made a mistake This morning When I was getting dressed Should I put the crop top on. I hate when that happens.

Look, you know, I'm never been happier to accidentally be a country in Ireland. Great. So thank you. You're so welcome. I'm looking forward to being on that Instagram page. No, no, not at all. We love that.

We love a side track. So you're going to have sparkling water. Now you shouted out the Vicky Catalana or whatever. What is it actually called? I think it's Vichy Catalan, but I'm happy to go with Vicky Catalan. He's right. It's always right with this stuff. Like a Vichy or Vichy?

Like a Vichy. Not like Avichy, the Swedish. Oh, but like Vichy. I don't know what the Swedish thing is. That's why I just go, can I have that one, please. Is he Swedish, Avichy, the DJ guy? I think so. I don't know, I don't know this person.

You don't know this person? You don't know this person? I just said you're a music note. You don't know who Avichy is? No. I said we were music nerds. Between us, we've got it covered. Yeah, yeah.

I was going to say each to their own, right? Yeah. I don't know Avichi. I know DJ lethal. If we're talking to DJs. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I'm really into M.C. Bin Laden. Okay, you can say that.

I've not heard of M.C. Bin Laden. You know about Bile funk, right? The music of the favelas. The Brazilian, yeah, yeah. There's one of the best ones is called M.C. bin Laden. I'm not joking. And they call it the Brazilians, like Brazilian people have messaged me saying,

oh, this is a song called Bolololoh, ha ha ha. And by M.C. Bernardin. And they're like, this is actually our national anthem. I'm going to listen to that as soon as we finish it because I'm only becoming like vaguely familiar with that genre I don't even know what it's called but I know that some people like JPEG Mafia did a song that was like sampling that

so I was like that's really all I know about it so I didn't know it was a thing until like that song and I was like I'm quite big on the internet at the minute like it's so good yeah it's so so good but that hearing it through JPEG Mafia is a little bit like hearing about Nando's through an American. Yes. Okay.

You know, or like Morley's through an American. It's just not the same thing, is it? No, I'm not saying that. No, I'm not saying that you are, but I'm just saying... What I'm saying is I'm not well-versed. Yeah, yeah, no, I get that. Yeah, that was an analogy. Yes.

Is Emcy Bin Laden named after Osama, or is it just a coincidence? Because Osama was related to loads of Bin Laden's. Yeah, that's true, but... It could have been like... Jared Bin Laden. Jared bin Laden, yeah. Do you know about Bin Laden's son? I was reading about...

He's a goth now. Yeah, he's a goth. So it could be just after his goff son. Yeah. He's a metalhead. He lives in England. He's a massive metal head. Yeah.

Obviously, I get to serve that on the algorithm. I love that we've gone from sparkling water to a summer bin Laden. Yeah, yeah. We're just covering all the important stuff and the accident, the island outfit and you're getting a cropped up. Joy, just in case you're wondering, all of those things were you brought all those up. What? We've gone. God, we're really talking about all these different things.

We're crazy. Wait, how did I talk about Vinat? I don't even know. So yes, Vicky Catalan. Yes. Sparkling water. Because have you also seen those men on the internet that there's a man that's a professional sparkling water head

and he can guess every sparkling water. And he's like from New York, Italian and knows exactly which is which, which is kind of amazing. Just testament to the fact that sparking water is so flavourful. Yes. And some of the very different. I mean, Vicky, our old friend Vicky, she's salty.

So salty. Yeah. And then Badwa, do you know Badwa? Sorry? I don't know it. Bedoit? Badwa. B-A-D. Bad-A-A-B-A-A-B-A-A-B-A-A-B-A-A-B-A-A-B-A-A-Wa, a very light sparkle, a very gentle sparkle. That's nice.

Yeah. But is it secretly aggressive? Possibly. Like a submarine. Yeah. Submarine water, yeah. Yeah, and the esophagus. It does have a submarine in the esophagus feel to it, doesn't it?

It's sparkling water. Yeah. It does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it does. I think if I realized that my palate was good enough that I could tell the difference between sparkling waters,

even though I'd recognize that that is a talent that not a lot of people have, I don't know if I would pursue it. I think it would be too boring. I think you'd be a performative male if you did that. A performative male? Yeah. I mean, you're quite a performative male. Is there any other type of male?

Yeah. Well, kind of. There's like Premier League. male, there's Champions League male, depending on where your Prem is, and then there's performative males. And do you think a Prem and Champion League male will have a matcher? Probably not. Can you talk us through the Premier League and Championship males? And then why are they football- why are they football-based, and then why do we go straight down to... I'm just giving you examples of other types of males. Yeah. Can you give us maybe through like celebrities,

who's a Premier League male, who's a Champions League male, and why? Yeah. Let me think of a celebrity that's a Premi, male. So they can't be in the top four because they can't be a Champions League male. Well, they could be. They could be Arsenal. I'm Arsenal. Okay.

Wait, let me think. Well, what are the qualities? A celebrity. What kind of celebrity are we talking? Well, I don't know, because I don't know what the... Okay, so like Romish Ranganathan. Yeah. He's definitely a Champions League and a Prem male because he's Arsenal.

So we're both now, right? But hold on, but what about his personality makes of that? But it's really performative male of you both to go to the football staff and not focus on performative males. We don't know what they are. I'll give an example. Joy, I'm going to make you a bend diagram. I'm going to make you a Venn diagram.

Okay, let's make it easy. When you're at a football match and you're, let's say, a performative male goes to a football match. This is going to be really, really important. You've lost me already when you're a football. The pen mail is going to have like a Carlsberg, right? But the performative male is going to have. is having an asahi. Right.

I'm having an asahi. But isn't performative not since you're just doing it for everyone else and to... Basically, yeah. But what if you generally like an assy? You've had a matcher on your way to the Emirates. And at the Emirates, you're not just having an asahi. You're having an asahi from the self-pouring station. Right, yeah.

Yeah. But that sounds nice. Yeah. No, it does sound nice, but I'm still saying that is a performative male thing to do. And he probably has like a carabina run. Oh, no. They're helpful for holding your keys. That's why carabina is useful.

You can clip your keys onto your jeans. Yeah, well, I like carabinas, but that's a different story. But we're getting lost here, okay? I'm completely lost. I'm completely lost. No, I get it. James, I think you're stressed because maybe you suffer from the symptoms of performative male. I'm aware that performative male is being leveled at both of us.

But I'm trying to figure out what that says about us. Do you watch Meditations of an anxious mind? No, no. Oh, he's a funny fellow from Dublin called Frank. and he goes around and just makes cultural observations. And his Instagram is meditations of an anxious mind. And he does a whole sector on like performative males. And I think maybe on top of the Bin Laden homework, obviously MC Bin Laden

homework that you're doing, maybe you should add that to the list as well. Yeah. Same birthday's me, Asama Bin Laden. No way. Yeah. What's that? March 10th. That's a nice day.

Me, Osama bin Laden, Drew Barrymore, John Hamm. I'm David Cameron and Balah Hadid. It's like all the best people in the world. All my favourite, all my favourite people, actually. Pop-Rums off bread! Pop-Lum's off-Bet! Joy, folks! Pop-Lum's all bread!

Joy's spilt her coffee. I've just spilt the coffee. The best. I did it. I finally did it. I made someone spilt their drink. I thought you were really passionate about Zodiac for a second. Yeah.

Oh, I am. And I would have gone, that's it. That's the most performative male thing you've done today. I think bread or proffodoms is potentially one of the most defensive things you could ask me. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so my mom's Bangladesh and my dad's Irish. So that's like asking me to choose between mum and dad, you know? Yeah, we should change the question to mum or dad.

My more dad, I should shout mum or dad at people. Yeah. Well, it wouldn't work for everyone. No, it wouldn't work for everyone, would it? Some people would be like, oh, obviously my grandma. Yeah. Or neither. Or I'm an orphan

Yeah, I'm an orphan Yeah But we've got a very strict role On the podcast We don't have orphans No orphans It's too traumatic Isn't it

And it's not about trauma bonding It's about taste bonds Yeah I love soda bread And I love popatoms Yeah I ate popadums last night And almost ordered

soda bread this morning But instead for breakfast I had a chicken Buriani and a protein shake 10 o'clock this morning Yeah A birriani 10 o'clock this morning? Was this leftover or are you cooking it fresh?

You're cooking it fresh at 10. It's never going to be yummy at 10 is it if you cook it fresh. But like it's nice from the night before. Yeah, it's so good. Great. Keeps cooking in the fridge, I think. I agree with you. Yeah, it just, yeah, it ruminates.

Yeah, it ruminates, it marinates. Yeah. That would be the name of, if I ever had a restaurant. Ruminate marinate. Ruminates and maronates. I think it'd just be called housewife. I want everything to be called housewife. Why?

Don't know. Just like the word. So what are you doing tonight, House of Life? Yeah. Just sounds right? Yeah, I can't really choose between the two, sorry. Have both? Yeah, yeah.

I let you have both if it's because I think it's a reasonable, like some people might try and hack the system and say both, but your one is quite a personal reason. Yeah. It's your parents. Yeah. It's not going to look good on us. Yeah, you don't want to look cancelled as basically.

You don't want to get cancelled, you don't want. That's not real, is it? Well, no, it isn't. I'm not afraid of getting cancelled. Yeah, because it only lasts for 20 minutes anyway. Yeah, it's not real. Stop moaning Jimmy Carr. You're not cancelled, mate.

Which one's Jimmy Carr again? Yeah, exactly. But you wouldn't know because he's cancelled. That's the one with the suits. Yes. He did the Don't laugh, don't laugh at all. Don't laugh at all. He hosts Don't laugh at all.

That show is huge, don't laugh at all. Yeah, he hosts a pop. Yes. And Richard. But, um... Yes. I'd love if it was called Don't laugh at all. Don't laugh at all.

Did you try to play it when I was on the telly? No. I tried to not laugh. No, I play guest the fee when I watched that show. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everyone will have different ones, in it. They're all on, it's a sliding scale on, don't love at all.

Wow. I think we might have entered the dread time of comedy. The dread time? Dread time of comedy, yeah. What do you mean? I mean, like, you guys obviously bitch like anyone else. Yeah. Obviously, I love a good music bitch.

We were having a little music bitch out there a second ago. I can't repeat what we said, obviously, but. It's like when I listened to the Bob episode that you guys did and he talked about going for dinners to basically bitch about the industry Yeah, I think about that a lot Yeah, I really, I didn't know that I'd enter that for 10 seconds whilst sitting here with you guys Yeah, welcome.

Guess the fee is bitchy. Guess the fee is bitchy, yeah. It's fun as well though. You know, I can guess the fee for Richard because he lives near me and I always look at his house and I go, television money. Television money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, but also the Lycra he wears to the gym is like, that's buttery soft. Oh, is it? Yeah. That's not cheap shit. I'll tell you that for free. I cannot imagine Richard I-YD in Lycra. I can.

Well, you don't need to. I couldn't make eye contact. You can't look at a man in Lycra. No. I don't know how people do fibicides when that happens. Surely eye contact is what you want with the Lycra. Because there's no Lycra on the eyes. It's the one bit that you can look at.

Yeah, but you always accidentally look at people's cocks when they're in, like, correct? Yeah, sure. That's why you're meant to wear shorts over it. Yeah, yeah. You know when men just wear leggings? That's crazy. No shorts.

It's a violation. Let's get into your menu proper now. Your dream starter. This was a difficult one for me. So I really like Hamon Aberico. But I also really like sausage buddies. So I thought, for a starter, I would have a sausage buttie in a ham on a barrico moment.

Talk us through the moment. How's it presenting itself as a moment? Well, Hamunabarico is extremely expensive these days. And since we're living in the throes of late-stage capitalism and the economy is just burning all around us and we're all struggling and the world is becoming a dark, dark, fascist place. Hamunabarico is not the easiest thing to have financially.

So we do have to take that into account into our... In your dream restaurant? In your dream restaurant. So in your dream restaurant, we're in late-stage capitalism. No, no, no. In my dream restaurant, it's 2002. Okay, so that's fine. Oh, why specifically? Pre-2008, isn't it?

Yes. Maybe the 90s, actually. Leather was better than. So... No, early 2000s had good cleavage, though. We want some cleavage in the restaurant. So we want 90s leather, early 2000s cleavage.

Yeah. And what, Hamon-A-Berico prices from then, right? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, but no late-stage capitals. It's just like more expensive than gold, you know? It's kind of crazy. but yeah so like ham and berico and a sausage party but specifically

Richmond sausage oh wow lovely we don't do like we don't we don't do the posh stuff at all we don't do fucking oregano and the fecking sausage and Cumberland

schmumberland I do I do the oregano in the Cumberland performative male yeah is that Performing male yeah agreed and you also

just admitted that sometimes you might leave the house just with the leggings on. By accident, Joy. I don't want, I'm putting the shorts on. I don't want everyone seeing my Richmond. See him a Richmond. Richmond. Seeing my Richmond is something I didn't think I'd hear today.

I do believe it would like Rich Mound. So you want like a sausage butsy that you get in like a calf, like the Richmond sausages. And white bread. And the barricot in there as well. No, no, no, you can't do that. I want that. But you can choose.

because it's obviously how you want to eat it. When you describe it, it makes me you just want to, like, get a handful of the Aberico. Put it in the thing. Put it in there with the Richmond sausages and eat it all. To be fair, Iberico is always with some really hard bread that could have potentially cost a lot of money at the dentist if eaten incorrectly, which has happened to me before.

But with soft bread, Iberico actually might be amazing with like a good, what's the name of the bread that is just white? Like Kings Mill? Like a Kings Mill. Oh, mighty white? No, I think that's like a, I think that might be a, Nazi thing, sorry.

There is a bread called Mighty White, but I'm interested to know if it's still going because it does... I don't support reform. It does sound like something written on a St. George's Cross. Yeah. No, actually a Georgian, a Georgian cross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't even know which one. Yeah.

Yeah. That'll chestnut. As soon as I said Mighty White and I saw the look on your face, I was like, I know where this is going. You knew. You knew. I was like, oh. Right wing I've got him

So yeah I think that I just look I'll be honest with you I've earned enough to eat small plates and I'm never full and it's not actually the food

that makes me happy My best food discovery recently was these biscuits called Dove Farm and it looks posh but actually actually it's just a digestive that feels like

before Jamie Oliver ruined everything with sugar tax Here we go This is the proper, we've touched on ways that the UK are divided and I think one of the main ways is people who think what Jamie Oliver did is appalling. Well, you think Jack Rice is not appalling. All of that stuff fine, but the stopping kids eating shit, it was good, I think.

But that's what you're meant to do when you're a kid. It's what you're meant to do. He visited in school where one of the kids were so ill they were shitting out their mouths. Your teeth fall out for a reason. You want kids to shit out their mouths, Joy? I shit out my mouth every day my mouth shite that comes out mine still survive

what were we talking about oh yeah sugar tax so how does that apply? So like sweet digestives yeah that farm yeah just something else like you take a bite and you're transported to well at least for me what I would have been

was born in 98 so what age would I have been in nursery like how old are you in nursery 3 you sound like you have kids no I don't I just tired you just care just generally tired oh yeah I just don't want I don't have kids. I just don't want other kids to shit out of their mouths.

Right, yeah. The thing that Chim Chimovet Ed might have kids is because he thought it was good to make sure kids get a healthy diet. Yeah. He must have kids. Class it down. Yeah, just checking that that was. Yeah.

Doesn't want kids to shit out there. God, you're better than all of us, we know. So, yeah, like any food that transports me to when I was a kid in a good way just makes me feel really happy. I know that's a basic thing to say. No, it was great. Like, buddies, I used to have buddies before I did Irish dancing competitions. Mm-hmm.

How did that affect the dancing? Yeah. I think that's where I, I think, is potentially how I got IBS. Yeah. Irish bowel syndrome? Yeah. Irish-Bowddy syndrome. Yeah.

I was so close. So close. Both just as good as each other. Yeah, yeah. Irish Bally syndrome is better than Irish bowel syndrome. Irish Bouty syndrome is a real problem for me. Yeah. So you think that was having the, the butty before.

the dance competition. It was just the thing that my dad was like you just have to do that. Yeah. Oh, so it's encouraged. Yeah. He was like, look,

you're really nervous and what we'll get rid of the nerves is some Richmond sausages with some white bread and Kerry Gold. I know that you've got your little thing with our anchor, but I just,

I have a love for Kerry Gold. As you should. It's a big thing on the podcast when we've had Irish guests on. They often shout out Kerry Gold at some point during the episode. Yeah. So I'm glad you've done it as well.

Thanks. I think that sounds delicious. On the way here, I saw an advert for Aberico, which I haven't, I didn't know that it was like a brand all by itself. It just said Aberico and there was a guy. Jose Martinez is a guy that holding up a bit of a barrico like that to the camera. Was it Pep Guardiola? Maybe, maybe it was Pep.

Yeah. Things have gone downhill so I have to start selling the Aberico's. I've been shifting ham. See, I don't know what Pep looks like. I know enough about football to know that he is a manager, maybe of Man City. Yeah, and he used to be a model. I didn't know that Yeah And now he's a ham model

Yeah Potentially Ham He sells ham Yeah I'd love to be a ham model I'd love to be a ham model Yeah

Hand or ham? Both I think I guess you've got to hold the ham What kind of ham though You obviously know what ham I would have But I'm a big Aberro guy as well I absolutely love Aberroko

And there is There's a place right down There on the corner The Jose place It's really good stuff De Bolota That means that they're fed with acorns And you can taste it as well

Yeah Yeah, you can't. Yeah, you can, it's a nutty flavour, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you putting in the sandwich? So you've got the Kerrygold. Butter. Soce. Richman. Well, if you're going to be flavourful, like ketchup and a little bit of saracha, or just ketchup. Yeah. Your main course? I had a really, like, this was a nightmare for me because I was stuck between the two.

So I'm kind of like, you have to let me get a week. away with this, okay? All right, so the main course and side dish, I kind of have to work together, because that's the only way we're going to let this happen. But basically, the first thing I thought of when I heard main course was spaghetti bonanese. I'm just going to be honest, I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for that. I know it's like having, it's like a Velcro moment, you know, it makes you feel uncomfortable. But we all know the feeling, you know?

And that's what spaghetti bonanese is for me. Are we going to ask questions? I don't know because when Joyce has stuff like this we have questions but when we ask them I feel like I know what you're going to say I feel like

we're seen as silly for not understand idiots for not understanding Velcro moment and like I mean there's a lot of things along the way that I'm just like I don't think you'll get any shit for saying spaghetti bonnayette

but pretty much everyone loves spaghetti whileanets but then like it makes you feel uncomfortable it's like a Velcro moment And I don't know what that means about spaghetti by the nays at all. Because, like, okay, it just made sense in my brain. But basically, I turned 27 recently, and I asked for a fry tag bag because they're, like, really durable.

And, like, you could literally, like, you know, be in the worst weather ever and it would be fine and it won't get damaged. And I really, like, practical things. It might be a potential gay thing. I don't know. But being 27 and having Velcro is really, it's really humbling. Because we've all been there, right? We've all had Velcro shoes or like Velcro something

because there was a time we couldn't tie things up. So there's something really warming and like nice about it and nostalgic. But at the same time, I just feel like a wallet on the tube when I'm trying to get my fucking lip liner out. And there's just, you know, 27 trying to like maybe do some dodgy eye contact with someone on the tube. And then the next thing you know the Velcro happens. And although it's a familiar feeling,

it's nonetheless an embarrassing one. And that's how I feel about spaghetti one of these. That's absolutely perfect. I completely understand now. James? No. Come on, James. Come on, James.

I don't understand. It's nostalgic. It makes you feel good. Yeah. But from the outside perspective, it's quite sort of remedial and childish. Yeah. Yes?

Yeah. Yes. Okay. It's not often. Normally, it has to... Yes, this is what I was about to say. Normally, I have to translate. translate what James has said to the guest.

This is the first time I've had to do it the other way around. Cool. But it's nice to know I can always be the middleman in every situation. Yeah. Well done, man. I feel good. I understand both of you. You're smashing it.

Thank you. Okay. Got you. Do you? I think so. Yes. The confusing thing about the Velcro thing was the fact that you're using the 27 thing. So I was like, that's so young.

But I felt like you were using it like 27 was not. But it's old for Velcro. It's old for Velcro. Okay, yes. I'm not going to sit here and play my tiny violin. I left it at home. I did buy one. A tiny violin?

Yeah. How small are we talking? It's this big. Yeah. So, like, what's that like? Small. Yeah, small. And then it comes with the bow, and it has this little button on it because it's battery powered.

And if... You can use it and unplugged. Yeah, you can literally press down on the button bit, but that's where the bow would go. And it plays a tiny little sad tune. That's good. Sometimes when you're recording music, you know, music and you have like novel things like that around because they're so novel. Do you really hope it will work on the song?

And is it really gutting if you do record the music back and go, that's not it. You can make it work though because you can manipulate it afterwards, can't you? You can change the pitch and make it work. But I just like it because my mates, just all my boyfriend, who just start gabbing on about something. I just get the tiny violin out. And just press it down like that. Yeah.

Yeah. And he wonders how. he's ever going to spoon me again. That's what he's wondering, is it? I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is the Spaghetti Bologna's homemade? Yeah, it has to be.

It could be made by like a nunna, but like I feel like a nunna would be just cussing me out, and I just don't want to be cussed by an auntie. And I think if we're having this dream restaurant, I don't think genies are going to allow any kind of... Cussing. We're just like angry, like angry auntie energy. I could deal with like a funny auntie

Yeah You know one that kind of smokes in the kitchen Yeah that's cool That's cool Yeah So I think an auntie that smokes in the kitchen Is cooking And it's kind of a little bit fit

In like a way we're like When you're in your 20s You're a big problem You can see the history in the eyes Yeah Yeah yeah Still a little sparkle Yeah

I have an Italian name Yeah I have like an Italian Alter ego My Italian name is John Senna John Sina You're not pronouncing it right Your Italian name is John Sina Yeah

And is that where you've got it from By accident I said it out loud And then my boyfriend said the exact same thing He said John Sina Yeah And I was like oh Well, that's it

Oh, you're getting to see me So there's auntie in the kitchen That smokes fags and there's a little bit of her name is Johnson. Yeah, okay. And is it, if you look closely, is it clearly John Cena wearing a wig?

Yes. Yes, it is. Good on him. Yeah. Yeah, good for him. So that's what we'll have for Mainz. Oh, you get,

we actually have a refill station, but it's just for Parmesan. Okay. You look a lot of Parmesan on there? And you want to keep refreshing it as you're going along. So I don't like, when everyone puts it all at the top,

what I think you need to have is the little tub and then layer, that layer, go in for the next layer. That's nice. Yeah. Great. That's how I do it.

When you say refill station, I'm imagining like a drinks station. Yeah, exactly there. So you're pushing a leave. But then it's just like dandruffy fucking parmesan. Also, the parmesan isn't going to be like them weird shaved ones. It's going to be like that needs head and shoulders type of parmesan. Yeah. Like really, really psoriasy.

But proper parmesan like just grated heavily. Yeah, just grated. Not like shit parmesan. No, no, no. It's not shit. It's like whatever. What's the poshon called? Like grim parmesan.

Granipid. No, that's the cheap one, actually, I didn't realize. I always thought I was doing solid by buying that. So fucking Parmesan. It's a B-Tech Parmesan. What's the posh parmesan called Benito? Hulkgo-Hagano. Holco-Hungano.

It was called that. Stonia-Cold. Yeah, I put Parmigano Reggiano, surely. Parmigiano Reggiano. Sounds made up, doesn't it? It does sound made up, but I always sing it in my head. But it's like a big one, like one of them big wheels. That's like the right colour.

Have you ever seen them crack the wheel? Excuse me? Have you ever seen them crack the wheel? I've never seen anyone crack the wheel. A fresh wheel, completely covered, and then they have to put in like spikes at the side, and then they like tap the spikes in, and then you hear a crack. Oh, it's that hard? Yeah, it's like a loud crack and the whole thing lifts off.

That's really interesting. I've never heard of that. I will watch that on TikTok. Yeah, it's good. It's satisfying. I've seen it happen live, and it's a wonderful experience. I wonder if there's like a noman for that. An omen?

Like if you crack a, you know, like we should come up with a proverb, like an Italian one. Yeah. You never really know him until he cracks a wheel. Until he cracks a wheel. Yeah. Yeah, I think that works. That's a good one. Thanks.

Yeah, yeah. Which one would you do? I'm not sure I could improve on that joy. Okay. I mean. You smashed it. You got it first time, I think. Yeah.

Sometimes you've got to admit. You just get it first time. Nothing but net, I think. Nothing but net is. That's my one. I've come up with that. Nothing but net. Yeah, that's me. Like net worth or like...

Yeah, nothing but net worth. That's about Richard O'addy. And his battery smooth, right? It's buttery smooth light. Yeah. Side dish. So this was actually really difficult because this was what I was battling with with Maine. But because this is my restaurant, I could do whatever the fuck I want.

Or my menu I could do what I want. So, um, My favourite Bangladeshi food in the world is called Borda, which is like pasts made of anything of your liking. But every paste is dedicated to a main ingredient. So you can have like a prawn bordeca, you can have an okra, you can have like classic ones like a lentil or a potato. But every single, the rules of boda is it's made with garlic, onion. Sometimes not garlic because sometimes it is just all freshly ground. ingredients and there's always mustard oil in it so it has like a really strong like petrily taste

and the usual thing that people do is you either roll it up into a ball and have all these different colors in front of you and you just pick at them and eat them with white rice or some of them are a bit more like my mom makes a tomato one so it's quite runny but it's like it's literally like salses but all these things made of really intense flavors um or you bring out the most intensity of a flavor. So I love prawn, but it isn't like the strongest flavor ever. But when you add like mustard or an onion and all these things, it's just like exploding the flavor. And you eat it with your hands. So you have to like take it and like crump it into a kind of ball with with white rice. And it's just like the best thing ever, I think. So that would be

the side. So there are things to go alongside specific ingredients rather than having the ingredients in them. So the prawn one doesn't have prawn in it. You would just have it. No, it has prorn in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's interesting because you can make it in loads of different ways. But my mum, like, usually boils the prawn. Yeah. And you get really good prawns. Because once you boil them strangely, they have, like, so much more flavour.

And then you kind of, like, really finely chop it or you ground it. Nice. And you want a homemade one of these as well? Yeah. Yeah. But not by... John Senna. No, John Senna's not me.

John Sena does not know how to do this. No, it would probably be my mum, to be honest. But, like, my mum on a good day. What's going to happen on a bad day? I just feel like, I feel like someone, so there is someone that wrote a book about this, but when people cook when they're mad, you can taste it, I think. That's interesting, yeah. I really can taste it.

My mom's a chef, but like, basically, it's really complicated to explain my mom's chefing because she's not gone to culinary school, but my mom's like one of those weird people that is, like, pitch perfect in food. So she can taste food and completely make the same thing for any cuisine. Wow. It's really weird. And she's cooked since, I think, she was way too young. Like I think she might have been cooking for a family when she's like

seven or something. And her dad died really young. So she had three brothers that were all fucking useless that she cooked for. And she was the youngest. So her cooking is just like, people come from Bangladesh to my mom's house in West London to eat her Bangladeshi food because she makes it better than most people in Bangladesh. But they have to call ahead and check to see if she's in a good mood or not. I don't know if they check that. But she's like, they're so happy to see her and she's so happy to see them. It's fine. But obviously daughter and mom relationship it's a bit different. Sure.

Yeah. So what's the difference in taste, would you say? I don't know, it just doesn't slap the same way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there's just like, or actually one time we got in an argument when I was young and she said, oh, do you want a carbonara? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'd love one, actually.

And then she cut up nagger chili and put it all over, the carbonara. Yeah, you can tell that one. Yeah, you can taste that she was in a bad mood. Also, the whole thing is, like, with carbonari, you won't expect that it's spicy. So it's not knowing. If it was a curry, I'd be like, oh, no, this one's going to be spicy.

But it's the fact that it was a fucking carbonara, you know? That's like daylight robbery, you know? And then that's like the Louvre just happening on a plate. Yeah, yeah. And she's gone and put the fucking Naga all over it. And then I've started crying. Then I got a pint of milk and drank it. And then I threw up everywhere.

Because I don't know if you've ever dabbled in Naga chili, but it's not a joke. I've dabbled. I've not had as much as it sounds like was on that. that unexpectedly as well. Yeah. Because you're just quite in small bits. If you bite into

even the smallest amount you're finished. That's you finito for about two days. Forget it. Forget everything. Every hole broken.

Yeah. Every hole broken. See, that was a song title in Sam Poetic. Yeah. But it's not every hole broken.

Yeah. Every hole? Yeah. Ear holes. How are your ear holes? Your ears would be broken too because your sinuses are fucked

after you have that much shit. Yeah. Like just everything, like your equestrian tubes or whatever, they're called, equestrian or whatever. You're equestrian tubes. Sticking in the ears. If you're listening, stick it in the book. That's what all my mates do. They're texting like she said and I'm a fucking galaxy.

Well, I mean, this episode's going to be a fucking field day. It's a whole new book. It's just for this. What are these not called? You're ubiquitous or something, tubes. I've got no idea. You know the tubes here? The tubes behind your ears.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they go. I don't know. There's a tube name. There's a tube name, and it's really nice that you're trying to guess the tube name, but I don't think we're going to get there. Equestrian or ubiquitous, I think, are the guesses so far. If you eat the nagger, even your ear holes are fucked.

Oh, yeah, it's game over. Your dream drink. Well, I think during a meal, like a vodka diet Coke, and then after an old-fashioned. Okay, lovely. So why a vodka? a diet Coke for during the meal. Because you need a fizzy drink.

Oh yeah? You need a fizzy drink. Yeah. Like, you know when you're thirsty and you could go for water, but you're going to go for the Coke zero in your fridge. Absolutely. Or Pepsi Max, actually. Forget Coke.

We don't drink Coke. No. Pepsi Max. At the moment as well, like, I get to the end of the day. I'm like, every time I was thirsty, I reach for a fizzy drink and I've not had one bit of clear liquids. I think that's why they started doing the whole like mixing, sparkling water with peach. Yeah.

Because then it makes you feel like, you're having a fizzy drink, but I'm not going to fall for that stuff. Hand me the vodka Diet Coke. Yeah. And the vodka's just, you know, so you can continue good chit-chat on the dinner table because I tend to dissociate on dinner tables. Uh-huh. How come?

Too much going on? Food is so good. I like to go quiet for food. Then I feel a bit slumped. My dad always taught me if you're ever going to sack someone, eat a massive meal beforehand. When you're sacking someone? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you're eating a massive meal before you sack them. Yeah, because it's like being. high, but without any of the actual drugs. But why is it when you're sacking someone that you want to be in that state? Because then it's so stressful to do it, then by the time you're just eat in a load of food, you're just like, look, right?

What about them? And I'm breaking up with someone too, it's good. Any difficult conversation, it's good to have a big meal before. Yeah. My dad always said. I'd be quite, I'd be quite insulted if someone was breaking up with me or firing me and they were all bloated and, like, burping out the nose. But how would you know?

Burping out the nose, fine, you would know. You wouldn't know about the bloating. They could be wearing a big jumper. If they were acting like, lafagic and just like, okay, listen. I won't say this for a while, but it's not working out. It's just got a guy second way. I think we've grown apart. Oh, God.

I'd be like, what the hell? Still got a napkin tucked in. Yeah, dabbing the corners of their mouth. Anyway, I wish you all the best. Just a small, tiny little fart. It's a tiny little fart. And it's the type of fart where you can look down at the furniture on and be like, God, this is noisy.

Yeah, it's a flavor on the furniture. Yeah, yeah, one of those. I mean, I think actually that, that I would, if I was getting broken up with, if I was getting dumped, I would like it if during the dumping, they were, they audibly farted, because that would make me feel like, do you know what?

Then let's get out of here. But what if farting was the idiosyncrasy that you fell in love with? Yeah. Oh, that's a big wife. That's a huge wife. I mean, do you have a problem with farting then? No, but like, I think it would, I think in the breakup, it would make me feel better about being broken up with. But everybody queef sometimes.

Everybody queef sometimes. Everybody queef sometimes. I mean, a quefe is different to, but like, yeah. Some people quefe. It's a funny fart. I'm aware. So everybody doesn't quefe. Those who have the equipment quefe.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it would make me, it would remind me that, you know what, nobody's perfect. Because when you're getting broken up with, I think it's very easy to think what I'm going to do without this person. They're so amazing and now I'm getting dumped. And I'm the one getting dumped,

so I'm clearly the one who's all, I've got all the faults. But then when someone farts, it's not like that makes them a bad person, but it reminds me, you know, they're just a human being. Yeah. Yeah, and you can't worship anyone.

You can't worship anyone? Yeah. I don't think farts would stop me worshipping someone. No, I think it would make me probably fancy them a bit more. There you go. My wife farts, you know. I'll put it out there. She's got Irish Buttey syndrome.

That's an exclusive. Oh, yeah. But I'm sure they all smell like flowers. No, awful this. No, they smell awful joy. What, they're not dipteeat farts? They're not diptee fart, no. That's a shame.

It's mad like the larbos. We'd be in an awkward situation where I'd be like, I'm going out, come over here and fart on my neck. That's called a kink. I think I, if I had to have any fart smell that I wanted, in fact, That looks a bit like a fart, that table, just an FI. Doesn't look like a fart table. Beano Guff. It does look very beano, doesn't it?

Yeah, from a Bino. I think my farts are just more like maybe like Hackles, like, you know, like a Margate, Seymos kind of like. Like heckles? Yeah. Formerly known as Hackles, they're not known as Hackles anymore. Sorry. What is it?

What's that HECA. It's a skincare brand. Skin care. Oh, okay. I'd used all my Hackle stuff today. I couldn't use Hackles. Why not? Comedian.

Medium man That was very funny Thank you You wouldn't last long on Don't laugh Don't laugh My name is Joy I should never be on that

fucking show That would be terrible I want to be on traitors But your name is also crooks Maybe you'd steal the show I want to be on traitors though For that reason I want to be on the next traitors as well

Should we go on it together Yeah can we say look Two for the Price of One I'm not interviewing Either of you afterwards Why? No way Why not?

Because you're both You'd both take conversations off in two weird directions. Well, we're going to win. That's all, that's what life is about, though. Yeah, it's true. I think we would be chosen as the traitors. I think we'd be so good as traitors. Yeah, yeah.

I'd like semi-bully you, so we look like we weren't on the same page when actually we're homies in those cloaks. Who would our third one be? Dream celebrity to make up the traitors. You, me. Jesus Christ. We could get away with so much. If Jesus Christ was on the traitors, he'd be voted out straight away.

He'd be banished immediately. Look, he's all about this like higher spirit kind of thing. I don't know. I'm not buying it. I think it's a bit performative, actually. He's a performative male. He's a performative male. And also, why is your hair that long?

Yeah. What are you hiding? You look like you're on a bush-tuck-a-trial. And for that reason, I'm voting Jesus Christ. And he goes up and he goes, I am a faithful. No, he's a traitor all day long. Because they'll be going, like, obviously, production are going to make Jesus Christ a traitor. It's good telly.

Yeah, that is good television. Yeah. But the BBC would get in trouble for that, and BBC don't like any trouble. No trouble for the BBC. Yeah. Kind of happens either way, doesn't it? Because they get accused of being too left and too right. Yeah.

Where most of the problems come from. The comments would all be, oh, you wouldn't make Mohammed traitor. That's what people would say, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Mohammed's just chilling out on the round table doing great

yeah doing great everyone's like Mohammed's leader with the faithfuls yeah I think my fry was we gotta make this happen we gotta make this happen

we're gonna take a lot to make this happen but I think we can make it happen with AI anything is possible yeah that's true let's talk about the old fashioned quickly before we get onto the dessert because I mean

obviously a lovely cocktail is there anything for you that makes a great old fashion that you look for Or you're disappointed Irish whiskey Can't be Scottish

I don't know I need the Irish stuff Yeah Is there a particular brand I could do Jamesons Honestly yeah I'm fine of like Just the good old

Obviously like people have like the Japanese thing Where they're like oh I know about whisky And da da da and I'm like It just gets you licked quicker Doesn't it It's just even more drunky Like drunky vibes Yeah

I'm sure it's like good stuff And obviously like whiskey connoisseurs Will have something to say But are either of you Whiskey Connoisseurs No, I'd say bourbon in an old fashion, though. Is that American? Yeah.

Yeah. Not interested? No. Bourbon, no. I'd just do Jameson's nice ice cube. Yeah. Big, are we talking big? I always test the ice cube because, you know, when they're massive,

I like to see how much they've actually poured, so I'll always pull it out on the bar. It's mad, isn't it? It's big carrying energy from me, but I just pull the ice cube out and I go, you're joking. Or I go, oh, that's nice. Because it's very rarely that much. You can't be in a packet of Chris, you know what I mean? It's ridiculous. You pull it out and you're like, well, I'm paying like 15 quid for this.

Literally. So have you ever pulled it out and gone top that up before I put that back in? I pulled it out and just been like, it's a shame, isn't it? How do they respond to that? Well, I think, like, I think it's a shame, isn't it? It doesn't sound accusatory. It just sounds like our suffering is shed. Yeah.

And then they pour it. Yeah, yeah. Psychologically, that's more the alleyway I would go down right. rather than what are you doing, you know, because then you're accusing, so they're going to defend, and then they'll probably spit in your next one, whereas, like, they might not top up that one,

but then the next one you get, they're like, I've poured in some extra just for you. Yeah. Because I know, I know how it feels. That's nice. I think it's easy to spot spit in an old-fashioned, though, I reckon. You say that? Yeah.

But you just don't know. Just don't know. They could literally, like, they can put it, like, anywhere. Can put it underneath the ice cube, then it's hidden. That's true, freezer. put it on the ice cube. They get the ice cube, turn it upside down, gob on it and then put it in the drink. Literally.

Yeah. That's actually the best way to do it. Yeah. You've thought about this. Or just you could just spit in the water that you're freezing to make the ice cubes and have two jars of ice cubes or big tanks of ice cubes. And one you know is the gobb water that you gobbed in all morning. And the other one is the clean water. And it depends on if you like the customer or not, you give them a spit one or a clean one.

Yeah, that's cool. And then they're never going to know. You don't even have to do it while you're at work. Lacing ice cubes is a pretty sick idea, to be fair. Yeah. Not that I never do anything like that. My friend found a fingernail in an ice cube once. That's fucking disgusting.

Yeah, it wasn't. He wasn't happy about it. That's, oh, my God, that made like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, someone's genuine fingernail. Oh, that made me feel really weird. Yeah, yeah. We arrived at your dream dessert. Honestly, I thought of, like, really, like, like,

you know, doing like a pick-mix type of vibe like obviously free because pick-a-mix should be. I mean, at least it is for me. Last time I went to view. You nicked it. Don't be a Fed. James, I've always said this about you. Don't be a Fed, man.

I'd love to be a Fed. You'd love to be a Fed? If I got to live my life again, I'd be a Fed or... I know exactly what type of Fed you'd be. Or a Narc or something. Yeah. I know exactly what kind of Fed would be.

You have all the, like, you know, the big vest and the fucking hat and the like oh I'm the face and I was wronged and then you'd be at Carnival and just be getting a dutty wine from some girl

and you'd have to do the face you look like you're not actually enjoying it but secretly you'd be like you'd do like the Tieri and Rie laugh where he loves like this you never seen that

no but like I definitely wouldn't be the kind of fed who goes and cracks down on Carnival no but no one said you're cracking down a carnival you're just catching I've got to be there frequent wines.

I meant to be there to keep the peace, am I? Yeah, but then you enjoy, like every year there's a fed that goes viral.

Yeah. Because he's just, someone's dirty dancing on him. And then someone would be like, see, the police are all right, aren't they? Like,

no, that's what they want you to think. That's why they sent that guy in there. You'd be that one. A performative fed. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no.

I'm worried about that. I'd like, I prefer to be, I think I was thinking about the feds in like American films and stuff where they turn up and go, this is our crime scene now.

Yeah. You know, and like they... It's because fed's an American thing. I'd like hand it over. I would love that. I don't know. Well, the ones who turn up and like, the cops hate them because they turn up and go,

with the feds, this is our crime scene now. And like, we're just treaded all over. The protagonist cops have already made quite a good case and they're onto something. And then the feds turn up and just ruin it and go like, yeah, this is, because with their all ego, I'd like to be that kind of fed. Yeah, but you'd like slip on the blood

and all your trousers would pull down and stuff, right? I could actually see you being a shit detective. Yeah. But like one that has, you could make a show actually And you could just pretend to be a detective Like a comedian turned detective Yeah That I would pay to see that

So I could be that I'm a comedian But I'm also a Well no, like you could use some of your skills from comedy Yes To unravel crime Oh I see Yeah And like also because comedy

I was to say comedy is so disarming You could end up really getting Behind the mind of crazy killers I think it though, yeah They all feel like they were having a pint with you I think we need a different comedian because I think this is a brilliant idea joy but I've never found my comedy to be disarming

You'd be surprised though Have you ever brought it into a small room that's locked With a murderer With a man in orange Good point I haven't tried it on anyone like that yet I find your comedy disarming in a good way Like in a way that's like

Put people on the back foot Yeah but I quite like that Yeah, I even say you're not disarming. I don't think you're arming. It gets under people's skin. No, I don't think so. Yeah, but I like that. That's so good.

And that's how you get under the skin of a killer. Yes. Yeah, I could get under the skin of a killer. Yeah. Well, I'd happily try, yeah, if anyone's listening, any, like, TV commissioners or anything, and they want to make the show where I'm basically me. Yeah. But I've become a cop, and I'm using my comedy skills to solve crime, so I'm up for that.

A scripted thing, or are we talking about you genuinely going to interview killers? Either one. I'll do a scripted thing but I will also do like a yeah like I'm going around and doing it in real life yeah I think you should do it in real life I also think that

there will be a time in your journey where someone will think that you actually are a bad dude so you'll get in an almost fight but then the almost fight will be like when Robin Williams finally cracks Matt Damon

in Goodwill Hunting it's not your fault it's not your fault and the criminal will just be like you just get it man and then it will be like this really compelling story and you'll be like how old it is this like British comedian detective hero

and we'll find it hard to like get hold of you I won't reply to wed anymore nah oh man I long for that day here's your way out yeah you've got to do quite a lot of stuff before that can happen yeah and it has to go

exactly the way Joy said it would it has to yeah I could be like a co-writer if you want just saying. You're the creator of this. Yeah. You're the showrunner. You ever think, I mean, you know, there's nothing that you wouldn't be across, I think.

We should get like a reform voter in there and you're getting behind the mind of a reform voter. Someone from Mighty White. Someone from Mighty White. Yeah. And just you really get into the bottom of things. I've thought about this recently because my hometown of Ketrin, which I love.

Kettering. Ketrin, yeah, in, in Famptonshire. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love it there. Well, Joy, it's currently... It doesn't love you. It's got the most flags out of anywhere at the minute.

It's quite upsetting going back there. It's absolutely... English flags, right, not flags of the world. Not flags to the world. I would love that. Couple Georgian flags. Yeah, yeah, a couple Georgian flags. It's bonkers.

It looks insane. Like, I think even like the most far right of people must see Ketman and go, that's a mess. You've got to get rid of those. That's too many flags. It's awful. And I'll have thought about going to Ketrin and doing a little chat with people

and filming it. I think you should. I just tried to understand what's going on. Well, not understand. I feel like I do understand. Well, one of my favorite videos of that was a fellow that dressed up in a union jacket suit and he named all of Nigel Farage's policies

but without telling the people he was speaking to that they were Nigel Farage policies. And they were just like, oh, that sounds terrible. It sounds terrible. Oh, my God. awful. He tells all these things to people and then they're like, that sounds terrible. I'd never vote whoever came up with those policies

and then he goes, oh, it's the Nigel Farage's policies. And then they go, I'm still going to vote for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the leader of the Green Party does the same as well. He goes to, like, places that are highly reform. But I think as a comedian,

that would be sick. I might chat to them more. I don't know a few things that kept me in the past and chatted to them. So they... You know how Niccoa or Malana did a video? Did you see Nico's video? No, didn't see this. He went, but he, like, had to, he wore, like, basically like a white mask to go and do it. Like, he was all whited up and speaking to them as if he was, like, you'd have to do it, but I want you to white up as well.

Man, I'll be transparent. If I'd get any whiter, a goddamn ghost. And that'd freak them the fuck out. Yeah. It'd be nice to show them something that's too white for them. Yeah, that's a really good perspective. Why'd no one ever thought of that? This is bad if we go in this direction.

I really like that. That's a really good idea. Fuck. It's one way to resolve everything. You want everyone in England to be white? Well, bad luck. Everyone's ghosts. Have a look at this.

Yeah. You're going to be spooked. It's a fuck every day. It's pretty spooky. So good. Okay, well, I'll do that. Okay. Thank you.

Did I say the dessert? Nope. No. We've talked about reform. To be honest, I think all three of us have been quite restrained. Yeah. When you said, why do you like vodka diet? This is why?

This is why. So for me, dessert is sprinkle cake and custard. Nice. And that is the biggest fuck you to Jamie Oliver, I can think of apart from turkey twisters. He's getting it in the neck again. Oliver. So like school dinners, sprinkle cake and custard.

Yeah. Custard with the skin on that they have to just like drill through with a big spoon? No, not the skin on. Well, that's what it was like at school, though, right? No, I don't know about your school, but my school was a little bit better than that. Okay, pink custard. Did you have the pink custard? No, I've had it before.

Yeah. It was like custard aimed or something I think it was called. But no, I just like the normal Ambrosia one. Yeah. But yeah, for me, sprinkle cake and custard. I would like to say something way poshure and a souffle with a Koolay with whatever the fucking words. I have to use Google Translate every time we're going to a restaurant these days. It's like, what?

Yeah. For me, sprinkle cake and custard, it just makes my soul happy. and reminds me who I am, and that's the shit that I loved growing up. It's great. This is basically, I think, the only time we've ever kicked a guest out of the dream restaurant for saying the secret ingredient was Jade Adams for basically picking this. So it's great that you've picked it, and Jade will have to, like, deal with the fact that someone else got to go on the podcast, have her dream dessert, and didn't get kicked out. And that would be, like, probably annoy her even more.

I just think in this time, it would look bad on you guys to kick me out. We're not going to tick you out. It's not the secret ingredient for your one, so it's fine. Also, what you said, you said, I don't want anything posh. want the sprinkle cake and custard. I want souffle or Koolet, whatever. I have to use Google Translate every time I go into a restaurant. I think you could go to a reform march.

You'd probably get on with those guys. I really hate you for saying that because I knew it sounded like that when I said the Google Translate bit. You got you. But if you're listening, I'm not white. It's really important to know if you're just a listener. We should cut that out and put it in the beginning.

No, no, no. Yeah, put it at the beginning so people know. I know. I think you should just cut. up everything we said today like Mighty White Richmond's sausage and Lycra

just like add one like sexual thing because that's always good for you know like rage clickbaiting and then like just Google translating every da da da

catering I love catering and like just all those things I said that could be like misconstrued as me being a reform voter and just take it from there and do that as the trailer like the big trailer

yeah exactly and just like anytime my face has wandered off just get that face I can do one right now I love sprinkle cake and custard thank you for getting us back on track no I just thought about it it just makes me so happy

temperature wise how hot we're talking lukewarm lukewarm both the cake and the custard or just the custard I don't think you can have lukewarm sprinkle cake

because unless because then the sprinkle the icing will melt that's true but you could have a little bit of melt it if you put it in the microwave I don't want it to melt though I don't mind if the cake is warm but I don't want the sprinkle

I don't like the idea of that because then it's just like icing custard but I never said I wanted that I wanted icing just normal thick normal ice cream just like the normal When the colour of the sprinkles bleeds into the icing because it's got a bit too warm

I'm not into that I can work with that I don't know if it makes me feel unsettle I'm sorry that triggers you just trying to help with you what you were saying Absolutely love it That's great

Oh no I don't James's like great found some common ground here with joy I went full contrary yeah yeah you were like yeah really pulled yeah I really don't like the port of the warm sprinkled cake I really don't like that yeah well I'm sorry that that truth

what the fuck just happened to me trying to empathize I'm sorry I'm sorry it's okay it's been burped as someone's burnt in my face

um a major man you back to you now see how you feel about it joy here we go Vicky Catalan for your water. You want pop dumps and soda bread. Starter, Aberico and a Richmond sausage butty with Kerry Gold Butter Ketchup and Siracha. Main course.

Is that an iPad? That's an iPad. No. It's your menu written down. Okay. We wrote it down before. In my head, I was thinking, how in the bomb seed has he managed to do that?

But, okay. You had gone somewhere else there when the menu is being read back. Yeah, suddenly You went very serious You went very, very serious And you were sitting as still as possible I'm a complex woman

Yeah As we're noticing Be careful Homemade spaghetti bolognaise With a Parmesan He's making it Yeah That's made by

John I'm trying to remember That one John Sina Yeah Side dish Homemade Borta By your mum

Yeah Is it bought her? Yeah Bort her on a good day by mom on a good day. Drink, vodka, Pepsi, Max, and afterwards an old-fashioned. Yeah.

Dessert, sprinkle cake and lukewarm custard. Yeah. Feels good. Feels amazing. It's a really good menu. It is good. There's nothing on that I wouldn't want to eat. In fact, I want to eat all that.

Joy, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant. Thank you, Joy, Crooks. Are we getting kicked out? Well, it's the end. It's the end of the meal. I know, but I just want this, I want this day to last forever. Well, there we are, James. Joy Crooks.

Such a delight. Yes. And we mentioned it in the episode that I then had to translate what the guest was saying to you. Huge, huge moment in the podcast. Yeah. She outweirded you, man.

She outweirded me. And I didn't expect it. Having seen Joy live, I'm always like, well, this person is wise beyond their years. Yes. And so, like, they just got it all together, man. And I think both of those things are still true.

Yes. But on top of that, I got outweirded. Yeah. Also, I think it should be a new regular section on the podcast. Joy Crooks attempts to explain Gen Z terminology to Ed and James. Yeah. This is where we just got to accept that we're old. I've accepted it ages ago.

And the challenge is that we don't become like other comics and just complain about all these youngans coming from. through. We just got to take our roasting, man. Take our roasting. We've got to be roasted for the rest of time now. We only get to continue being in this biz if we become the butt of the joke. We don't understand anything anymore.

No, no, no, no. All the terms come from a bit of the internet that I'm not privy to. Yes, and I can't navigate it. Benito's frowning at me like he doesn't know what I mean. Not the dark web Benito. Not the dark web, Benito. You're easy thing older than us. Look at him. Look at him. He's saying dark web. He thinks the dark

Webb's real. The dark, the dark web is real. No. No. No, no. It's you're thinking of TikTok. Ah, yes. That's the dark web. Yeah. Well, thank you very much to Joy. I enjoyed that conversation very much. Grinning like an absolute goon I was throughout that. And goon means something different now. I learned that. Oh, does it? Yeah, Guna. Oh, like an Arsenal fan? No. It means someone who habitually masturbates. What the hell? I've got to be careful what I say in the world. Because I might be saying I habitually masturbate. that I'd call myself a gooner. I'm not an Arsenal fan but, like, I might say you've been met Ramesh,

he's a gooner, and people be like, what the hell? Yeah. That's front page news. Yeah. And you'd be like, he's also an Arsenal fan. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But Arsenal fan means obsessed with arces or something. All these perverted corners of the internet.

It's probably true. Romish is a fan of the football team Arsenal. He loves a bodonka-donk, and he's a dirty little wanker. Joy's album, Juniper, is out now So make sure you listen to that. Joy is also going on tour and goes through November

and then into December, the Juniper Tour. So go and check that out if you're around or if these dates make sense. UK, Europe. Joy did not say Armand's Joy, James, or indeed Armand. We couldn't even get her on that. Yeah. Because I suppose every almond is Armand Joy to Joy Crooks.

That's a thinker. Yeah, that's a thinker. He's one of the leading philosophical minds. Yes, thank you. In the UK today, Ed Gamble. And thank you for that. This will be on YouTube tomorrow. Yes. You get to see me and James being occasionally baffled. Yeah, see what we look like when we're thinking to ourselves, I'm old now.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I always, I'm always thinking that. Yeah, well, this is me, just finally accepting. Yeah. I was like, it's over for me. If you look at my eyes during this video, I'm just thinking it's over. No, no, it's not over, man. It's just a whole new chapter.

It's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. That's nice. Plus, there's things that Gen Z don't know that we talk about. All our terms. What terms? Dial-up.

Howdle-Doodily? Oakley-Dokily? Oh, no. Flanders. Dial-up. Flanders. No, Flanders. Big thank you to Toast for booking our guest today.

Buddy, if you've got any more people you want to send our way. Well, we know who Toast wants to send our way. The ball. The posty. The bone. Today on the podcast, we're interviewing walkies. Just the lead on a chat. But we can't ever say the guest's name.

We have to spell it out. Except if you're toast to it, it gets excited. With walkies, you've got a hard out. You've only got 20 minutes. And if you're asking any of these questions, they're going to walk. Kick about, they said the secret ingredient. I'm taking them away. Taking them away.

You're taking it. What's the secret ingredient be for walkies? Running, I guess. A jog. Yeah. Off the lead. Coming off the lead. Going to let him off the lead.

That's a big moment we've ever done. Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much to Joy. Go and listen to Juniper. We'll see you again next week. Bye-bye. Yeah, goodbye.

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