Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Katherine Ryan (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

It’s a Monday bonus episode – the second of our live ‘Tasting Menu’ shows at London’s Royal Albert Hall – and our special returning guest is Katherine Ryan! The guest who introduced us all to ‘The Good Morning’ back on episode 45. Listen to Katherine’s podcasts: Telling Everybody Everything and What’s My Age Again? wherever you get your podcasts Follow Katherine on Instagram and TikTok @kathbumOff Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Royal Albert Hall.Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, but it's a bonus. Bonus! It's a bonus live episode from the Royal Albert Hall, James. It was show two of six at the Royal Albert Hall. The first matinee we did. Matine? A hardly know her. Matin B.

This is Catherine Ryan, of course. A classic off-menu guest coming back for a tasting menu. Yes. When she gets given the menu of another past guest. What a woman. What a woman! What a comedian. What a celeb.

What a national treasure. Genuine star quality, James. She got star quality. She got the X factor. Yeah. And that's what you want at a matinee at the Royal Albert Hall. Very happy that Catherine came and did this. Some of our guests at the Royal Ab Hall had no star quality, James.

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, we're obviously talking about Nish. Yes. And a little bit about Tim. Yeah. But, like, still glad that they all said yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There will be some stuff we say to Catherine, and maybe that Catherine will say to us, that won't make sense because there was a first half in the Royal Albert Hall where we messed around and said a bunch of stuff. Benito's actually toying with the idea of editing some of the first halfs of the Royal Albert Hall and putting out the highlights, which I think is mad. But he says it's his job.

Yeah. You think it's mad. The way you reacted to that was like Benito said, I'm going to go and trawl through a big pile of human shit. Yes. That's what he said. I feel like in Jurassic Park. park when they get out the car and they're going to go,

we're going to, like, trawl through this triceratops done. And Jeff Goldblum's like, you shouldn't do that. Benito's like the guy who lost all his Bitcoin and he wants to go and search the dump. Yeah, he's exactly like that. Searching the dump for his Bitcoin. Bad for that guy, man. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just got to let it go, but... I guess he can't, like this point, the more that he pursues it, less like... The more he's got to lose if he backs out. So he's got the kind of like... Because it's his time now, not just his money.

Yeah. Well, this is the situation of Benito's. This is what Benito's in. It's his time and his money, so he's too proud to back out at this point. But he shouldn't edit down those first halves because it will not be worth it. Yeah. Not for him. We said some funny stuff, though. We said some funny stuff in the first half.

Do you remember what we got in the audience? Yeah, we discovered that walking into the audience was the way to go. Yeah. That was the... Like Barrymore. Like Barrymore. Should we listen to Catherine Ryan? Yeah, yeah, it's so good.

Yeah, okay. This is the off-menu tasting menu of Catherine. Welcome to the off-menu-mue podcast. Thank you. Absolutely heartbreaking if that was the opening of the whole show. Taking Claire Bear's noodle soup of conversation. And thrown it in the bin because it's an unhealthy mother and son relationship.

That is their gamble. My name is James A. Cassette's a gamble. We own a dream best of sight. every single week we invite the guest and asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. This week we're doing a tasting menu and our guest is

Catherine Ryan. Very, very excited to have Catherine back on the pod. Of course it's a tasting menu. Catherine will be receiving the dream menu of another previous fan favourite guest who that will be will be revealed when we bring Catherine to the stage.

But let's get on with it James. Please, welcome to the stage. Catherine Ryan. Here, Catherine. Welcome, welcome. Boys, in my dressing room, you gave me the ingredients to make my signature drink from my appearance on off menu. Yes. And your lovely tour manager from Liverpool gave me the sharpest knife, of course.

And I've been chopping so many chilies, limes, and it's way too spicy now. I've made like a paconte, pecanque. I've ruined it. It's disgusting. Do you want to try it? No, it's good if you're from Mexico. James, you're from Mexico, aren't you? See?

Before it's even gone in my mouth, I'm choking on it. It's so spicy. It's so spicy. It's wild. This was the Good Morning, is the name of the cocktail, I believe, you told us? It's the good, but it's wild, right? It tastes the good morning. It's insane.

Fucking hell, Catherine. But I just loved the knife. taste this. Like being pepper's grade in the mouth. Give it to those 13 year olds. So it... Give it to the twins. You're not meant to give...

You're not meant to give audience members glass, but... Right? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I mean, for me, it was when the chili fumes hit the back of my throat before the liquid had got in there. It's honestly like a weapon of war. Yeah, that's insane.

You're not going to have to finish that. I've gone hardcore. since I last saw you. Yeah? Yeah. Tell us some ways with which you've gone hardcore with your drinking and eating. Just chilies.

Just chilies. Yeah, no, I've just... Well, it's been a time when I... Was it... It was immediately post-lockdown when I first appeared on your show. Right. And since then, there are wars

that were not allowed to talk about on mock the week. Did you know that? Are you coming on this season? I'm not... I'm not going on mock the week this series, no. No. It's because you have your own surprise.

new vehicle. We have a rival panel show on TLC coming out. Will we be talking about the war on that? I think so. I think that's very much the vibe of my new panel show on TLC. It's what we do is we talk about all the things that you're not allowed to talk about on mock the week. That's, yeah, yeah. No, I just live fast, die young. That's my motto. Like you, James. We're talking about fun wars. I remember Mont The Weeks never let us talk about fun wars. Did you do fun wars? Did you do fun wars? more's in Canada? Yeah. Oh yes. Are you good at them? Uh, no. Did you do...

I'm meant to do my beginning. I just realised I haven't done my proper beginning, yeah. Sorry, James isn't a genie yet. So obviously... I'm meant to do a proper beginning. As you know, Catherine James is a genie in this podcast. So... Cup in line back to the dream last drop a bit spent you for some time. Yes. You're meant to rub the lamp, but I think, uh, I think that's forgotten about. Normally we get someone to rub the lamp in the traditional genie style for the genie to then emerge but unfortunately James not for the first time in your life

it went off by itself You got me Now Catherine is there anyone in particular Whose menu you are hoping for today past guest Who maybe you don't know their menu But maybe you're like I'd like to eat what that person eats I love especially

I really liked Michelle de Swartz like very cheap based. Wasn't every course, geez? Not, I believe she started with a vape. I believe her started involved to having maybe a triple mango lost Mary.

Yeah. The connoisseur's choice, of course. Yeah, definitely I would like to try a life like that. Michelle was very rude. That's all I remember. She said that I was like if there was an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer's English cousin is coming to

visit. And Kramer's stressing out because the cousin's so weird and everyone's telling Kramer but he's exactly like you. People don't like you to assess that. Like when people compare me to anyone, it's crazy Amy from Kitchen

Nightmares. People know who that is and I do resemble her. And then once Richard Osmond got crossed because I compared him to a cross between Marie Curie and a Great Dane. How would he get cross about that? That's a lovely thing to say. I felt like it was spot on, so.

Marie Curie did a lot, you know, did a lot for everyone. And Great Danes are nice dogs. Yeah, great Danes. Yeah, it was not meant to be an insult. Yeah. You are, I mean, that is the most you've ever been read, I'd say, James, that you are like Kramer's English cousin. Yeah, yeah.

The only reason I didn't like the Kramer thing is because it was absolutely spot on and she'd done me. Yeah. It's not Michelle de Swartz's menu that we're giving you. No. No, we can reveal. the off-menu menu menu that you'll be enjoying today is that of Joe Wilkinson.

Opinions on Joe Wilkinson? Hate. Fair enough. You know, I got into a mess like this with Louis Theroux once where he asked me what I thought of a certain gentleman and it went quite viral and my opinions about Joe Wilkinson are the same. No, I love Joe.

We did a travel show together so I got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with Joe abroad and the format was that we were going on bargain holidays for Channel 4, a bargain channel. And I was really excited to take Joe's lead on all of these things until we flew to a country that could only be accessed via whizair and someone on our flight shot hair. himself.

Someone. No. Joe shot himself. No, someone did. And he wasn't, you know, infirmed or, like, super elderly. He was just, I think, on pills, and he wore sunglasses

the entire time and was unapologetic about the incident. And that was fine. But the trouble was, all the people around him wanted to get away. So they moved to the front of the aircraft. Where I was. which was a safety risk because of the weight distribution and all the stuff were like you can't all be at the front of the air craft

you have to go sit near this guy who's shot himself and they were like no we won't and then I thought I thought that I was going to die on a whiz airplane did the plane fit and then the shit just started sliding all the way down to where all you were Running away from the shit like Indiana Jones and the boulder. I would have sat next to the shit guy. I wouldn't have minded that. Thank you, Matt.

You're a man of the people, Ed. I am. Very much. I've never flown whiz air. Well, now none of us will. Weird to be called whiz air, and then the guy does a big shit. I have to say the flight crew handled it very professionally. They handled it. I like to think that there was someone pissing himself on dump airways.

I think we got our tickets mixed up So when you came on You had still water So hopefully you will like Joe Wilkinson's water course The water course, the dream water course of Joe Wilkinson is Tap from Ed's Garden Tamp

Yes Okay We eventually got to... Joe thinks there's no difference between any tap waters And we said we could imagine him drinking from a garden tap So he said he could drink from my garden tap

From the hose I've got one of those hoses. I don't know what hoses you're rocking at your house, Catherine, but the ones that contract up. And then when you turn them on, they get all long. What? You've seen those ones? They go all wrinkly.

Like an accordion? Like an accordion? I think on the episode I said like a foreskin, but accordion works as well. They go all wrinkly, and then you turn on the tap, and it goes out like a normal hose. Wow.

It's pretty good. It doesn't have a foreskin. Yes. I don't know how they work. I compare everything to foreskins just in case. Can we explore why you don't have a foreskin? Happy to. Circumcised when I was 23.

Just waving to the 13-year-a-answer before you start this. Circumcised when I was 23 due to tightness issues. Okay. Very tight foreskin. Kept everything under wraps there. Okay. He had a very funny routine about it,

about how, when he came around from the anesthetic, he said to the nurse, have they sorted out my cataracts? Yes. It was a good bit. The best way I can describe it is, you know on a hoodie when you got the drawstrings and someone pulls them really tight for a laugh,

that was like, that was what my penis was like. Fine. Thank you. Do you think you would like to have water them? You've got to be quicker with that question, brother. Med's garden tap? I would, actually, sooner drink. from a foreskin because I think that

it sounds to me like keeping moisture and we're back to the garden hose now in an accordion style like structure I think is a breeding ground for bacteria so I would not drink from Ed's garden hose no thank you. Yeah this is the difference between

you and Joe Wilkinson. Yeah. Yeah. Is that you will think pretty quickly about how clean is that you know how hygienic is that Joe Wilkinson is just like quite excited about living like a dog essentially. That is very different. But that is what we're going to have to bring you.

Fine. Is, uh, I mean, do you, do you want to drink it straight from the tap, straight from the hose? I will, because I've had this chilly infused good morning

with Don Julio white tequila and I feel like any germs in my mouth will be immediately dead. Yeah. I mean, I, my lips are still tingling like one sip. Yeah.

Your lips tingling? Oh, big time, yeah. It was wild. England? This is mad. I'm trying to focus on doing a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall. But my lips are on fire. How do they do hot ones?

The show hot ones. How do they even get through that? I think they'd be really hot. Maybe really spicy that chicken. I think it'd make it really hard to focus on the answers to the questions. Not a very practical show. Joe Wilkins. So you chose as your bread course, corn chips and salsa.

You were one of the first people to hack this course and not go poplar domes or bread, and you went corn chips and salsa. Yep. Joe Wilkinson had his dream bread. Nice crusty bread that doesn't fill him up. See, that sounds all right. What? How?

Like, does he access a paleo crusty bread? Does he mean, like, very thin? I think he was invoking the genie's power. to suggest that you could create a bread, a genie could create a bread, that you can eat loads of, but it doesn't fill you up. Because this is a big thing we get on the podcast

of people coming on and going, oh, I love bread, but if I eat too much of it, fills me up for the meal. And I always go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think it's time for me to admit, I don't fucking know what they're on about. Really?

I will eat bread all day and then eat a full meal. I don't care. Wow. I will eat all the bread and bring me more bread, and then I will eat the full meal that I've ordered. Yeah, you've got to start. being more honest on our podcast. Yeah.

Not too honest. Get your politics out of it. Save it for your panel show. Yeah. For this risky panel show that's coming out that loves war or whatever. Just for the listener, to let you know how spicy the drink was,

Catherine just topped it up with a full can of water. Because I kept going back to it because I do love to get fucked up in the daytime. But it's too many chilies. Yeah. You got a lot of. parents in the matinee. Yep, yep, yep.

And you're taking your shoes off. Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely. But I didn't know that that's how spicy this drink was. You don't want them firing off into the audience when you have a sip. I just thought I'd get cozy. I like it here. And I'm proud of you guys.

Thanks, Catherine. I'm proud of us. Nice crusty bread, though, sounds nice. I mean, I guess you'd still rather the tortilla chips in this. Well, controversially, and there were, already some people in the UK who know this about me. It is one of my most hateable qualities is that I don't like bread at all. I won't eat it. I basically have never eaten it. You've never eaten it ever? Not right. Like by accident a few times. I just... You're getting booed

quite half-heartedly. So I went on room 101 years ago and you have to put things infamously into a room and lock it away forever. And I put an actual person in that room. I put Cheryl Tweety, Cole, whatever, Cheryl, in the room. And I had some gags about her that were fun. Why did you put her in there? Because I think that she would glass you in an alley in an instant. I think she's very beautiful.

Like, gorgeous like a baby. You know, like... And really tiny and everyone loves her, but I think we were tricked by how beautiful she was. And I had a hypothesis that she was pure evil, and even God is throwing everything he can at this thing. Malaria, it won't die. It's just...

Just a bit of fun at the expense of Cheryl Cole. Sure. And people didn't mind me putting a real living, breathing, beautiful human woman in room 101, but I also put bread, and I got death threats for that. Mostly from the north. They were like, how dare you? But I don't like it.

I have Celtic ethnicity. A lot of people in my family have celiac disease, so, you know, hey. So do you have celiac? Are you worried that you're going to trigger it if you start eating bread? So I didn't grow up knowing I had celiac, but I do have celiac. But I never found out because I never eat bread. Well, that's sort of best of both worlds, really. But then I guess bread holds this horrible potential for you.

where, like, one day I might try it and my head might pop off. Is that what happens? Yeah, man. Was that what that sound was? A minute ago. Woo! The old head popping off.

So I will eat Joe Wilkinson's crusty bread, but I will have to immediately board a whiz air flight. So your starter was potato lackas with smoked salmon from the four seasons in Toronto? Whoa! I was living a different life. You wouldn't choose that now? No, I would.

I just forgot that I had access to such luxuries. No longer. No longer have access to these luxuries? Not really. Like, when I just had my oldest daughter, who's now 16, we would go, she was so portable, we would go anywhere,

I'd go to the Four Seasons and have potato lacti, what did you call them? Lackas. Yeah, lackas. Very portable, very portable daughter. If you don't know this, Catherine's daughter is on wheels.

Yeah. And I just haven't been to the four seasons, I guess, in a while. And I'd forgotten about smoked salmon. Because now I just eat like fistfuls of rice over the sink in between school runs. What are you hoping for from Joe Wilkinson then? Oh, God. I know Joe, well, I ate with him a lot when we traveled around these bargain holidays. He made me, he told me. He told me, told me that it would be a bargain that we spend the afternoon cleaning rubbish off a beach that we would get a free hot dog at the end. And he really enjoyed that hot dog.

I saw him eat charcutory a few times. He drank a lot of fanta. So I think it's going to be like bangers of mash or something. Okay. The dream starter of Joe Wilkinson is prawn cocktail. Now, it's got Finley Slice Iceberg lettuce, little froeathe. and he was very specific that the prawns have to be very little, those little, piddley ones.

Frozen. Yeah, that are frozen. A mix of tomato, puree and mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika, and a slice of lemon for decoration. How'd you get that out of Joe Wilkinson? Well, how did we get him to say that? Yeah. Honestly, it took a long fucking time. It was a live one.

It was maybe 40 minutes to get the starter out of him. And specifically as well, that would be made by his mum. His mum's prawn cocktail. that he sees his mum every week on his way to football and stays for 40 minutes. He eats slowly. He is slowly. But this is a theme running through this menu that rather than have the best version of something he likes, he wants the most disappointing version of it.

So he wants the prawns to have been frozen and de-frosted. He wants mayonnaise mixed with tomato puree, which I don't think is how you make the dressing for a prawn cocktail. Normally it's tomato sauce and mayonnaise together with some like... Oh, and the lemon is there, and he wants to take the lemon and then throw it in the bin. Yeah, he's not actually using the lemon or squeezing it over anything there. Oh, well, sometimes the shit version of something is better than the best. So when I moved to this country, there wasn't access to Taco Bell.

There was no Taco Bell. I was pregnant with my aforementioned oldest daughter, and I would say to people, I just really miss Taco Bell. And they go, well, there was a lovely Mexican. I said, no, I don't think you would listen to me properly. Taco Bell. I'm not looking for lovely Mexican I'm looking for Taco Bell

the opposite of lovely Mexican and now there are many of them are they as deliciously shit as you remember yes maybe even worse yeah I would eat this I'm impressed by Joe

and I would like to meet Joe's mother I think it's important that we all meet Joe Wilkinson's mother yeah I'd like to meet Joe Wilkinson's mother In my imagination, there's no way she doesn't have a full beard. She's a bearded, ma'am, for sure. Also, I'm not sure the shit version is something as someone's better than the best. I'd rather listen to off-menu podcast than, I don't know, dish,

or that jesse wear one table manners, that shit. I didn't know there was so much rivalry in the food-based podcast world. Well, there's not really. No one holds a candle to us. With streets ahead, we're, you know, You have to worry about any of that. They're chasing us. They're thinking about us 24-7, I'd imagine.

Imagine all they do is think about us and talk about us all the time. But, like, who would you rather sit down with and talk about food? Me and this legend, or Grimmie. I love Grimmy. Oh, yeah, sorry, me too. It's Jesse Ware, Ed hates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fan of Jesse Ware.

I've been on both those podcasts. Yes. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. And I have been invited. Yeah. A clip of me on Tableware. Manors went more viral than any clip from this podcast.

What? Yeah, because I got myself into a situation where I had to describe to Jesse Wehr's mom where the band Limp Biscuit got their name from. Explain it to those kids. Okay. That's fine because I've got my back to them. So there's a game called Soggy Biscuit. Oh no.

Where if you've not heard of this great game, you've got to this, you don't need to buy anything for the game, really, apart from a biscuit. There's not like, you don't need to buy a board or anything. It's fun at home for... Not all the family, but... Everyone who, I mean, it's for people with penises, really. You gather around it. You all start masturbating around the biscuit.

A lot of people don't know this. A lot of people genuinely don't know this. This is kind of worst-case scenario, I'd say. Yeah. So you are actually telling a lot of people about this for the first. time in the Royal Albert Hall. Well, you can see why the clip went viral. It was me telling a woman in her 60s in her own kitchen about this game.

With her daughter present. And then you, and then obviously, like, the winner, you've got to come as quickly as possible onto the biscuit and the loser, the loser has to eat the biscuit. I was mortified that I did that and that no one knew what the game was and I had to explain it on the podcast. And on the way home, I googled it. And that's not why they called Limbiscuit at all. It's all in your head.

Yep. We have that game in Canada for ice hockey players would do it, but our name is not as good. It's cookie in the middle. Cookie in the middle. That's so sweet. It's no good. Soggy biscuit.

You have better words for everything. Like nantes, I think, is a beautiful word. It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah. Thank you. I feel like leave it to the Brits to add a touch of whimsy to even the darkest of subjects. What do you call them in Canada?

Uncle. We have to say, uncle. If I opened a restaurant, if, and it's never going to happen, like a Michelin Star restaurant, that kind of, I would call it nonce. Don't you think it sounds elevated? It sounds French, doesn't it? It sounds very French. You've got to get a booking at nonce.

Try the aged venison filet. Not aged too much, though. Not too much. For your main course, you had... A Bangkok stir fry from Salad King, also in Toronto. Yeah. And I was just talking to my husband, Bobby, about this stir fry on the way in. He was asking me about my menu.

I was really hungry all the time when I lived in Toronto and went to uni. I think you're always hungry in uni. And then I think I wasn't sure. I was trying to reminisce because he lived in Toronto as well. I said, was that stir fry so great? Or was I just really hungry? And we don't know. Bobby doesn't know.

Did Bobby ever try it? Bobby's not a stir-fry guy. No, what's Bobby eat? Meat exclusively. I've only met Bobby twice, but I do think he's a meat guy. Yeah. He's meat in a steak. Bloody.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby's cool. The dream main course that you're going to be given. Oh, no. The dream main course of Joe Wilkinson is two chicken key ads. From wait shows, though. with chips and peas, not from Waitrose, and loads of ketchup.

A ketchup fan there. A lot of fans of Joe Wilkinson's menu there. Joe got really worried that he was having to pay for the meal. So he really specified that, yes, the chicken Kievs can come from Waitrose because they're nice, but then the chips and peas, he'd go to a supermarket that cost less. How do you feel about chicken Kievs, Catherine? I actually love them. I am allergic to them.

I know now. If you have celiac, you can't have that either, or any fun. We're actually only allowed to call them chicken... We can't talk about war. Amok the week, it's just chicken. Just chicken. People started calling them chicken keves, though, didn't they? During the war, like, if any silver lining from that conflict,

is that the general Western public learned how to pronounce Keeve correctly. Yeah, I bet they were delighted by that. Yeah. We don't need any more help. Just make sure you'd rename one of your snacks. Joe was very clear that it was important that the chicken calves leaked garlic butter. Keyves. Keyes, James.

Keyes. Tim Keeves. As they're being cooked in the oven, the garlic button must just leak out of them onto the tray. Okay. So that the bottom is quite soggy. Yeah.

And the whole thing, he said disappointment was a big part of the meal and it has to be disappointing. Yeah. And he doesn't want it to be. because we were like, we could use, like, it's your dream meal, we could make sure it's the perfect. It's like, no, it has to be there that leaks out, and it's all soggy, and it's disappointing when I'm eating it. I'm disappointed.

So Joe's dream is to be disappointed. Yes. And you even, like, try him. I mean, I find it very hard to relate to. I wonder how Joe's doing now, because it must be very awkward for him that since he appeared on celebrity traders, Oh, yeah. He reached a new level of notoriety. I'm sure, like, that was such a big series.

Then he had that Christmas advert was snogging Kira Knightley. Yeah. That was a weird one. Wasn't that his wife had died and so he was allowed to snog Kira Knightley? Is that the Christmas advert that he did? Is that what happened?

He's met a new genie. First wish, I want my wife to die. As far as I'm aware, people might be able to, like, correct me on this, but it's like the premise is that his wife dies and then he's got his like, you know, whole past list or whatever of people that if he meets him,

he's allowed to get with him. And then he meets Kira Knightley, and he's like, great. My wife's dead and I get to get with Kira Knightley now. Is that? Was that the premise? The Christmas thing that he did? Yeah, people are saying yes, James.

Yeah, that's weird. It was a long advert. I was just captivated by Joe. I thought, oh, there's my friend Joe. I didn't know why he got to snog cur nightly. I was just, I doubt he was disappointed by that. I bet he was very happy with that, but like, I don't know why his wife had to die. Maybe the garlic butter leaked out of her the entire time.

She had really soggy about him. When Joe was on Celebrity Traces, I'd say I've never seen more posts and messages from very thirsty women going, Joe Wilkinson's my new crush. Yeah. There's something about that guy. They fucking love Joe Wilkinson. When their husbands die, they're going to get him. Do you watch Celebrity Traitors?

I did, yeah. I loved it. Did you think I'm seeing Joe in a new light now and I want to kiss him on the face? I see him in the same way and I've always seen him. Extremely fuckable. Would you go on celebrity traitors?

Again, ask that question quickly. I thought you were going to say something else about Jim. Would you go on Joe? Wilkins. Yeah. For the right fee. Yeah. It'd be tough to be away

from my kids for four weeks, though. It'd be a nice end to the bargain holiday show, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I know some people going on the next celebrity traitors. So do you.

A few comedians in. Do you? Yeah. I don't know anyone who's doing it. Oh, I do. I can't be party to this conversation contractually. Catherine, I am the host

of the extra show. I'm part of the traitor's family. Oh. I cannot be here. for some sort of splashy headline situation. Catherine Ryan reveals who's on next Celebrity Traitors while sat next to someone who relies on this show to pay his fucking mortgage.

Do they tell you in advance? No. I'm going to have to banish Ed. Worst liar ever. Ed is a traitor. Do you think you'd be good on it, though, Catherine? No, obviously not. Well, a clip from your podcast,

came into my algorithm the other day, and I love you guys, so I watched it, and you were speaking about the text to all game on Michael McIntyre, and then by surprise, my name came into the mix, and he said, oh, when I got a text from Catherine Ryan, she said, I'm going to do a routine about you on Graham Norton, and then Ed said that's the one you should have believed that Catherine would do that.

I would do that because I can't keep a secret. I can't really tell a lie. For that reason, I should not be on celebrity. traitors. I'd like to see it though. Why? I would like to see it. It'd be good telly. Me just telling the truth. Yeah.

No one's done that tactic yet. No one's gone on, become a traitor and then gone, just so you know everyone, it's me. Yeah. And then everyone going, I clearly can't be... James, if you've been watching this show properly, you know, they're not allowed to do that because it's part of the traitor's oath that they take at the beginning.

When they receive their cloak from Claudia, they're not allowed to reveal it, and behind the scenes, it's really imposed on them that please do not reveal you're a traitor, it ruins the whole format of the show. Yeah, yeah. Maybe should tweak that format a bit. It could be fun. Everyone should say it the next day.

It's me. I'll be good on it. You'd be great on it. Yeah, I'll be real good at it. In what role? I'd know it would be you. I'd say it's Ed. But I wouldn't be in it, James. So you'd just be accusing everyone and saying it's Ed Gamble.

We get to see you eventually. I goes, we meet at last. I always knew you and a traitor. Reveal yourself. You're Claudia. Definitely, she acts very suspicious on that show every time

saying weird things and walking out the room. No one goes, do you think she's a traitor? The side is more peas. I guess we should ask your opinions on pears. We haven't really talked much about the chips and the peas on the last one. Love chips and pears. Love them.

Yeah? Oven chips, though. They are oven chips that Joe's having. You're happy with oven chips? I only really know oven chips. Oh, interesting. Where am I going to get... You only know oven chips?

Pretty much. I don't have a deep fat friar in the house. Do you? No, but like... I bet he does. But like... Some people do. Yeah, some people do.

I don't happen to have a deep fat friar in the house. Nice try traitor. I wouldn't have, they make the house stink, I'd imagine. Does anyone have a deep fat friar in their house? See, people are killing it. Air friar? That's a... Fuck all of you.

Pathetic people with air fries. Why? Gullable. Oh yeah. So gullible. They're the people you want on traitors. The gullible ones. Falling through it the whole time.

Deep fat friar people, where are you? All sat together. It's a coach trip from Leeds. Does it make your house smell? Yeah, a good mix, a real mix there. Oh, extractor fan. Put it under the extractor fan, you'll be all right. Yeah. For ages in my house, the extractor fan, we'd put it on,

and the fire alarm would still go off, and it was just like, it's doing nothing. And we had our kitchen done last year, and they looked at it, and they went, this is trying to find doesn't go outside Yeah That's it's just there And you turn it on and it makes the noise

But it's just still staying in the room Yeah Mine's the same The house we moved into The lady had done the kitchen So she'd just because it looked nicer Had moved the oven away from the wall That goes outside and put it on the opposite wall

That doesn't go outside There's an extractive fan there You put it on, it blows It takes it worse There's like smoke from a pan And it's just blowing it all around just like billowing horrible smoke. Yeah. Disgusting.

Could I just ask, could you hear this extractor fan chat or just me? What, that entire chat? Yeah. I heard the first half and I tuned out the second half, I'll be honest. Yeah, what we do is we cherry-picked phrases that we understand and then we try as desperately as we can to riff on them. Because I had a massive health assessment just because you should do that. And my grip strength was bad and my eyesight was bad.

and my resting heart rate was bad. Like, things were bad. But the lady said that I have incredible, incredible hearing. Like, I can hear anything. And one of the things she made me listen to was a super high-pitched noise that sometimes shops and neighborhoods will emit to detract teenagers

because only teenagers can hear like, if it's really high. Yeah. Like a dog whistle. Yeah. I can hear that. Wow, you've got teenage ears. Yeah.

And I didn't even pay for those. Is that why you're so good at detecting nonsense? If I catch a man looking at my ears too long, James, I know. I know he's trouble. So you've got more peas. Now, do you like mushy peas? I do like mushy peas. I thought you would like mushy peas for some reason.

Why do you think that? Because typically people go, nah, that disgusted, I hate them. But you'd be like, yeah, I like that. Whatever, the thing that everyone else is like, no, get away from that gross. Catherine Rines and go, yeah, that's cool. I like it. With men, usually, that apply. I love peas.

I love whole peas. I love buttery peas. I love hot peas. I love cold peas. I used to eat a dish called peas and cheese. Because I am allergic to a lot, so it would just be a bowl of tinned peas,

and I would cut up little cubes of cheese and put it in really delicious. It's good. Cheesy peas. It's a far-shoe sketch. Yeah, it's a fast-cho sketch. Yeah, yeah. Is it?

Yeah, cheesy peas, yeah. It's a what? Fast show sketch. Oh, someone's here, me. Doesn't a... Sorry, shall I say it really high for you, Catherine? The fast show. Do you remember the fast show?

I wasn't here, but I know the reference. Yes, so they had a sketch about cheesy peas. Oh, what's the sketch? I can't remember. It's cheese, it's peas, it's cheesy peas. Oh. That was got the whole sketch.

The far show was brilliant, but when you repeat it back to someone who hasn't seen it, it does sound shit, doesn't it? Yeah, it's very hard to make a sketch work Just one person monologue in it. Fine. But that was basically what it was. It's cheese, it's cheesy peas.

Peas and cheese, cheesy peas. It's good. And that was it for the whole thing. It was kind of repeating it. Once at my school, we had to do this project where we got given a paper plate and a load of crate paper. And we had to make our favorite meal out of crate paper on the plate and then they would stick them to the wall.

And my mum came into, they were doing like an open day. And she was like, where's yours? I went, oh, it's over there. and I'd done cheesy peas. She'd never fucking cook that for me in my life and stuck loads of green crate paper and then just like a sheet of yellow over the top of it. And she was genuinely worried,

like they're going to take you away from me because this looks like I don't give you any sustenance. And this was the same year I had to write a story, just come up with a story. And it was about a treasure hunt where every time they thought they found the treasury, it was empty gin bottles. It's like, who do these people fucking think I am?

Feeding you peas and then getting pissed. My mom was too drunk to put a message in it. He's read to a short story about how tight his foreskin is. Thank you, James. I'm glad that's becoming a running joke. Can't run with a tight foreskin. Do you think my foreskin was attached to? It's too tight. It hurts what I'm on.

Please. That's what I imagine. Yeah. They don't let you keep it. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. How hard did you push? I think they would have, like you, if you really... I asked, I said, can I keep the foreskin?

They were like, no, we don't do that. That's mad, isn't it? I don't think you're allowed to keep stuff after operations if they've been cut off you. I don't know if anyone else here has been allowed to keep anything. I've consumed three placentas in the last four years. Yeah, but you've got to do that quick before they come and take it away, right? And to be fair, you ran in real quick, and you're now in front of the lady giving birth.

And then you go straight in your mouth. Tasty, and they went out of the room. Oh, no. Caffe in mind got another one. Maybe I should have gone private. I think maybe my issue was doing NHS. I should have gone private, and then they let you keep it.

They make it into a necklace or something. Yeah. There are conspiracy theories now that if you don't keep your placenta, that the NHS sell it for 50 grand to some, like, a biohacker. Really? Yeah, that they're selling placentas

to those who want to live forever but it's absolutely not true. It's like a filtration system. I think it's not even good for you. I reckon that man who's trying to live forever has definitely eaten placentas, don't you? But just for kicks. Just for a laugh.

He's monitoring his son's boners and stuff, honey? Yes. Do you know about this? This guy, Brian Johnson, he wants to live forever and apparently part of that is monitoring his son's boners. Yeah, he monitors his and his son's erections. If I monitored my son's erections, the last thing I'd want to do is live another day.

How does he do it? Well, there's a biscuit in the middle. Your dream drink when you came on, of course, was the good morning, which you're drinking now. But the drink we're going to give you today, Joe Wilkinson's dream drink is a mango magic from a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day. Oh, no.

No, we don't have any other. answers for you here, Catherine, because he didn't actually fully know what a mango magic magic was. He drank it. He couldn't tell us if it was a juice or a smoothie. He knows it was called a mango magic. He doesn't remember what the island was called

near Tenerife. He doesn't remember what that was called where he went on Christmas Day. And he could only tell us that they went to a Chinese restaurant because they fancied a Chinese. So, I mean, you're going to have to use your imagination here and tell us if you like this mango magic or not. If you like the whole setup of going to a Chinese

restaurant near 10 to me from Christmas Day? I mean, I think it's the best version of a disappointing version of something. And for that, I really give Joe credit for this answer because I love the idea. I love the audacity of Chinese restaurants or anywhere being open on Christmas Day. Yes. I do like that. That's rebellious. And I like alcohol, especially on Christmas Day.

I'm going to imagine that the mango magic has that in it. I guess because he was so vague, you can kind of put anything you want in the mango magic, and that could be your drink. What if a mango magic is just gin? Yeah, that's the magic. The magic is there's no mango. It's pure gin.

I'm going to start offering guests. You fancy a mango magic? They're like, yes, I do. Gin. In a coffee cup. Drink it down. Catherine's on the mango magic. Yeah, I like it. You know, Joe's a real outside-the-box guy, and I don't, you know, I don't

think that you would draw a parallel between myself and Joe Wilkinson. Never. But actually, at the core, we're quite similar. Describe the core more? I think that he's a rebel, and I identify that way as well. Like, I'm not waiting for someone to give me permission to do something. I don't need, uh, accolades for me, like, oh, you know how some people probably come on your podcast, especially these Hollywood actors that you've got now,

and they curate their menu, and they want to sound clever, and they do this with Desert Island discs, too. You'll have politicians on there sometimes, and we're like, oh, I like listening to the cure, and it's like, you are a fucking liar. And I don't mind if people think that the music I like or the food I eat or the places I go are trash,

I'm a mix of high and low media, like Joe Wilkinson. So, you know, you could see me in the nicest restaurant. You could also see me running away from a man with a full, full pants on a whiz air flight. Christmas Day for you, Kathy and Ryan, what's that look like? Oh, I have been here for 19 years in the UK, so I've adopted some of your traditions. I like when people dress up on Christmas Day. I like when people have matching pajamas the day before. and I really like champagne on Christmas morning and orange juice.

I think that's fun. All that is fun, but I've ruined that by having kids. So Christmas is really magical when they're little, but it's a lot of work. So usually now it will be my husband and I trying to build things that Santa's elves have dropped off until like four in the morning, and then the kids are up at like 5.30,

and we're just fighting for our lives. and we really discourage family from coming anywhere near us. Right. Yeah, that's what we like. Just our family. I only like the people that I've made. And then sometimes I look around and I hate them because I go, everyone at this house has been inside of me.

On Christmas Day, is it you? Is it you or Bobby who gets to carve the placenta? Are you having... all the traditional trimmings for Christmas dinner? I do like that, yeah. But we've had some arguments because Bobby, it won't surprise you to know. Bobby just likes ham.

Yeah. Of course. No way Bobby's eating turkey ever. Bobby hate, Bobby laments the whole idea of turkey. He doesn't like any of the trimmings. He doesn't like any sides. Of course, I'm not doing York shows or anything because I can't eat bread. I like roast potatoes.

I like the veg. I love cabbage. I love all of that. Chicken, I like gravy. But I do like to defer to my husband sometimes. Last Christmas, I did two different honey roast hams, and I did a mustard roulette. So we had like a horseradish mustard,

and we had a whole grain mustard, and we had a hot mustard, an English mustard, and a yellow mustard, French mustard. We did loads of mustards and a few big hams, and Bobby was really excited about that. Was it a random thing of what mustard you got? Was it like, or was it, as the questions progressed, you eat at a hotter one each time? Whoa.

James, Ed, it was not random, but you've just given me an idea for next year. Because we also used to play this drinking game in Canada where you, maybe you have it here, in between rounds of soggy niskit. Make sure you wash your hands in between them. Where you do a bunch of shot glasses on one of those, what's it called? It's a lazy Susan. Yes, lazy Susan. Okay.

And you fill it with clear liquids. So round one, five are water, and then five could be like vodka, gin, Zambuca, whatever. And then round two, four are water, four are the other clear. And you spin it and everybody takes shots. Do you have that here? We have similar things, I think. I never got on board with those sorts of games when I was, like, drinking a lot when I was younger because to me

the punishment shouldn't be that you have a drink because you're drinking right so to me I'd get the water I'd be like oh fuck keep going spin again spin again but yeah we have similar games to that but as adults don't you think that would be fun now but with ham and mustard

I would love to do a mustard one yeah well it's like you don't know what or like a spicy one you don't know what it is and one of them's custard but you don't know the best one I would love to get the custard one James' traditional ham and custard Christmas You know what I've been to America

And they have like places that's like frozen custard And I got really excited when I first went there And I was like a frozen custard place And it's just ice cream And I was like oh, why is it not literally frozen custard Yeah That would be fucking great And I don't know why someone doesn't just open

An actual frozen custard store now Like I might do it But ice cream Ice cream is sort of frozen custard You don't know what you're talking about. Okay. It would be great. I just love it.

It's not even frozen actually. Like, I guess, custard. That would be great. You want a custard shop? I would love to go in and it's just like, it looks like, you know, it's all like, all tubs like ice cream, but it's all just cold custard. Yeah.

And they just put loads of, and it's all custard different flavors. And they just put that in a massive, like, like a milkshake, like, takeaway cup and it's all just in there, lay it up, loads of custard and I'd go away and eat that. That'd be great. That would be nice.

You'd do that? Yeah. I feel like if that place existed, you'd be dead within a week, James, to be honest. You'd be in the doorway of the custard shop. What a way to go. I'd love to go like that. Bury me in the custard, man.

For your dessert, you wanted a tootsie-roll cheesecake. Oh, still do. Is that a real thing? I can't remember. No. So you invented that? What is a Tozzi Roll cheesecake? Well, I love Tootsie Rolls.

And some of your guests who've come in from further away will know Tutsi rolls, but they are, yeah, they're available here too. It's sort of like a chocolatey caramel molasses. It's kind of like a bit more dense fudge. I don't know. It's delicious. And I really love cheesecake. And I think you and I were just talking about my love for both those things, but that I can't have the biscuit. bottom of a cheesecake.

So make that tosy roll. Here we go. That does sound good. However, you're not about to get a tootsie roll cheesecake. You're going to get the dream dessert, Joe Wilkinson, which is a plain Vienetta. Yeah. It's a solid choice, I think. I think that was the one I was happiest with with Joe.

Yeah. Are you a Vienetta fan? I think they look luxurious. Yes. Yeah, they very much look luxurious. I've never actually eaten one. Is it, it's ice cream just in the shape of a rippled sort of cake? Yeah, and all the chocolate stuff is like solid chocolate.

Yeah. So that's the nice stuff. It cracks and you've got that like nice texture going on. I'd say the mint one is the best personally. And I think it's crazy to choose the plain one over the mint one. But there you go. It's Joe's dream, not mine. But yeah, it's like you have a kind of slice of it as opposed to a scoop.

And how many vionettas would you say you've eaten in your life, James? Good question. Do you know what? I bet it's not as much as I'd think because we didn't really do vionette as much in our household despite being massive ice cream heads. My memory of vionettas is

vionettes you have to get, I just thought I'd say something while you calculate how many vionettes you've had in your life jokes. Yeah, and no answer to come up with now is, I mean, it's going to be a number, isn't it? I don't know how funny it's going to be. You should go off on this tangent.

My memory of vina, and I've not had a vionnet, in years, sadly. But I feel like with vionettes, I just remember you had to take them out of the freezer about a year before you wanted to eat them. So you'd like, everyone would arrive for lunch, like Sunday, lunch, family lunch, you'd be like, we've got a vionetta.

Before we put the chicken in the oven, let's get the vionetta out of the freezer because they are rock fucking solid, those things. But when you give them the time out there on the counter and then you cut a slice, beautiful. The crack as you cut through a vionetta, pure heaven. I'll probably have less than 10 in my life. Wow.

I think I've probably Maybe even less than, I would guess five. Yes. My entire life. In terms of times I've had vionettas, each time there would be like one or two slices. So if you add them all up,

I'll probably have one vionetta in my entire lifetime. I imagine Joe unwrapping his, you know, like a burrito and just eating it on the sofa, bite by bite. Yeah. Chopping down on it. It's all in his beard and stuff. It's dripping down. He doesn't care.

Kira Knightley comes along. I really want a mint beionette now. I might see if we can get one after this. We've got to stop doing this because this happened last night where we asked for something on stage and then that Jilly, the tour manager, had to sort it out, actually had to go out and buy something and bring it to the stage.

She's not buying anything with a knife that sharp. When Joe was on, the secret ingredient that he would have got kicked out for was, and this should ring some bells for you. 42 Calipos. Oh, yes. What did you do for the mayor again? So Joe and I were together on our series of Taskmaster

and I, yeah, and that was when I love affair began, I decided to rap for the Lord Mayor. Are you rap? I used to do a lot of rapping and then after white moms, I retired. Because I don't know, like Black Lives Matter really came into the forefront and I was like, I am doing a lot of white nonsense. And so I stopped.

But not, and white moms went very, it got like 40 million views. Are you familiar with white moms? No, I'm laughing because I think when the Black Lives Matter movement started, a lot of white people, we all reflected on stuff and our behavior. But I don't know if many people went, I've got to stop rapping. That was your thing. It was one of the microaggressions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That I needed to be aware. And thank you for stopping. I think it did a lot for the cause. Everyone was very grateful. But I still wrote a couple raps. Like, I'd like to rap again. And I think that I... Just for the listener, I turn to the audience, as if to say,

do you want to hear Catherine rap? And 10 seconds of silence later, someone whooped. Well, because I think you can do a lot of good with rapping. So, people... I never set out to offend men in my comedy. If I do, it's just a bonus for me. And I think that as a feminist, people assume that I would be against a lot of the music that objectifies women, but I'm not. Yeah. I love it. I just think that we should also have music that objectifies men and specifically dads. So I've really focused a lot of

my work in the last six years on objectifying dads when I see them. And I wrote a rap that was, I'll do it for you now, but if you cut it out because of Black Lives Matter. But not the Black Lives in this room, apparently. They can all sit in here, can they? Oh, and my rat name is K. Rye Jelly. Okay. That's good to know. Thank you for the content.

It goes. I'll see if I could remember it. I shouldn't just have this to memory. Okay, it goes, K. Ry Jelly, because my ass is fat. When I shake it on the score, and people jelly you that. It's a fact. Excuse me, if I'm hot and bothered. I'm distracted by the penises of some of the father's like, which dad will I fuck today?

I objectify men to prove I'm really not gay. I love their dicks and I love their balls. They're naked in my videos and that's what you call a player. What is it? They're naked in my videos and that's what you call a player. A big deal. I'm an owl female. I fuck so many. Dads am selling pussy wholesale. Orthodontist, that's my hoe.

Engineer, that's my hoe. School headmaster, that's my hoe. Builder, pilot, both my hos. Every man is just built for sex. When I sit on their face, I shout, yo, who's next? They call me, text me. I'm like, chill, I don't love you, be for real. I got my husband, you're a groupie, begging for a dollar when you're not with a rupee,

a disrespect and devalue men, they still buy tickets to my shows, and then I fuck him again, when? Well, well, wait. I disrespected devalue men, and they still my tickets to my shows, and then I fuck him again, when will gender roles be dismantled in hip-pop? And when will your dad come by and show me his big cock? It's good rapping, rapper.

Well, you see it's for a cause. Yeah. Very important. I did celebrity men. I'd be like, Bradley Cooper, that's my hoe. Jackie Chan, that's my hoe. Stephen Hawking was my hoe.

Yeah. And I miss it. I miss it a lot. Yeah. I think you should go back to rapping. Well, when there's equality and the whites sort themselves out, I will. That might be the push

that some white people feel finally need to get their act together. So they'll never hear Kevin Ryan wrap again until they sort it out. What do you think of at the end of the menu now? What do you think overall of Joe's meal? Joe is so unhinged.

I love him. I think he's pure of heart. I think that his menu's not too bad, actually. I like chicken keves. But I do feel this way, boys. I think that. You're on this earth by some type of magic miracle.

And if you can, and if you have the means to, like, food is so exciting. It's such an indulgence. You should make every meal as delicious as it can be. So why you would set out to have the disappointing version of everything? Like if you love peas, eat peas. If you love Vianetta, have the best most, like, perfectly thawed Vianetta that you can have. But don't have like the shit version of anything because, you're worth more.

Yeah. Powerful words. Powerful words from Kairai Jelly. But I wonder how they would sound in a rhyme. I had one about the NHS. But you'll have to wait till the world is equal to hear.

I don't remember that one, but it was during the COVID stuff and I'll just give you this little little. The kind of insight is it was to thank the workers and it was called Make That Ass Clap for the NHS. And at one point

I was getting double jabbed. We'll leave it there. We'll leave it there and what a lovely way to end this episode of the tasting menus live at the Royal Albert Hall. Please give it up for Catherine Ryan. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much everyone.

Have the best of your weekend. Well, there we are Jimmy James. That's Kathy and Ryan at the Royal Albert Hall, where she belongs. Yes, very much so. A great episode. Kathy's got podcasts, do you know? Yeah, she's got two. Telling everybody everything.

And... What's my age again? What's my age again? What's my age again? Which is a really good idea for a podcast, but one I never want to be a guest. Nobody likes you when you're 23. She takes your blood for that one. Huh?

She takes your blood. What? Is that true? Yeah. Why? And tells you your biological age. And you'll come? No, that's a different podcast.

That's my new podcast. Oh. That's a good. All the small things. It's called Ed Gamble wanks you off. And I big everyone up for ages. I goes through their CV and I'm like, that was brilliant.

And then the big finish at the end is I genuinely wank them off. How many nights are you doing it at the roll out of all? Quite a few, I'd imagine. We're doing eight. Eight nights. Yeah. Add some matinees.

Yeah. Get some young bucks on, see if we can hit the ceiling. Yeah. I'll tell you what. Dragging rights there. Yeah. If you managed to hit the syn and of all that.

Whoa. You're jizz. That's good stuff. Thank you to Catherine. Thank you to you all. Thank you to Benito for editing this shit. And you can all look forward to another bonus episode soon. Bye.