Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Kojey Radical

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

Brit Award- and Mercury Prize-nominated musician and rapper Kojey Radical is in the Dream Restaurant this week. But he’d rather be watching Spanish reality TV… Kojey Radical plays a massive show at London’s Royal Albert Hall on 20 May. For tickets go to royalalberthall.com Follow Kojey on Instagram and TikTok @kojeyradical Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 19 Mar.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Ed Gamble here from the off-menu podcast that you're listening to right now. I bring great news. My brand-new stand-up tour, Fresh Hell, is on sale at the end of this month. Sign up to my mailing list for early access at edgamble.combe.com. It's going to be great. Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the vodka of chat, adding the vermouth of friendship, pouring over the ice of the internet, stirring vigorously for 60 to 90 seconds, and straight, into the martini glass of podcasting and adding a twist of giggles Fulka martini with a twist.

Didn't know which way that was going, did you? Dirty or twist? Dirty for me, please. But twist for you guys, martini. Why do you look at me so... Nice, Ed Gamble. My name is James Aincol. Together we own a dream restaurant, and every single week we invited a guest

and ask for the favourite ever start, a make-a-s-desert side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Koji Radical. Koji Radical. This is exciting, man. I love Koji Radical.

Yeah, me too. 23 Winters was his album in 2016. He says it's an EP. I'll say it's an album because it's, quite frankly, 45 minutes long. So I'm pretty sure that makes it an album. Yeah. It's brilliant.

I got to interview Koji around that time for another podcast that I was doing at the time. I promise I'll never do it again. Please. But we haven't had a marf menu yet. Wanted to two for ages. Very much looking forward to hearing. He was also on Taskmaster New Year's Treat.

He was brilliant on Taskmaster New Year's Treat. Wonderful. All of his albums are brilliant, by the way. Very talented man. Looking forward to having him on the pod to chat about his dream menu. He's also performing at the Royal Albert Hall on the 20th of May. Whoa.

People should go and see that if they can. Absolutely. It'll be fantastic. We love the Royal Laver Hall, don't we? We're always bloody there. We're always bloody there. And Coji Radical is going to be fantastic there, so make sure you get along there. But listen, as much as I love Coji Radical, we will be forced to kick him out at the dream restaurant if he chooses the secret ingredient, ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable.

And this week, the secret ingredient is tinned potatoes. Tinned pots. Tinned pots. Tinned pots. Tinned potatoes. Tinned potatoes, yes. Those weird little peel potatoes. This was suggested.

was an audience member at the Palladium which we love as well which we love the Palladium if you're listening don't get jelly and I really liked that and yeah someone shouted out secret ingredient suggestion

tin potatoes I thought how have we not done that yeah yeah yeah yeah because they are disgusting yeah yeah yeah there's some people who think they're nice but those people are wrong too salty yeah too like chalky and weird and grainy yeah The water's disgusting. They're really not good.

Also, just get a potato. You know? Yeah, just get, just, why you're getting the tin potatoes, just get a potato. I guess it's convenience. They last long. Maybe they work out cheaper, but good idea, actually. Oh, you're going to start doing it? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, fair enough. But if Koji says it, we're kicking him out. Yeah, I think if I had a nuclear bunker, I'd get some tin potatoes in there. I think it's in an inevitability that one day you will have a nuclear bunker. Well, it's an inevitability that there will be nuclear apocalypse,

so everyone should be getting a nuclear bunker. And there we have it. I know he's not invited to my bunker. I don't want to be in there. You'd rather have the flesh flayed from your bones?

Yes, because I know what you'll do. You'll get a nuclear bunker. And in the amount of time that it takes there to actually, it's been necessary, you've got to be going down there, and doing all sorts of grubby little shit. What's you talking about?

Just you by yourself beating off at your little Bunker. No, I won't beat off in the bunker. There's no beating off in the bunker. That's one of the main rules. There's already rules, is it? Yeah, no beating off in the bunker because there's going to be a lot of friends and family there. Yeah, but I think that maybe that rule is what's going to egg you on even more. You're going to be so naughty. I shouldn't be beating off in the bunker. I get off and I get off and breaking my own rules that I've established. Not at all. I think you do. I like following my rules. No beating off in the bunker. Okay. We'll see it on that last. You can't come to the bunker.

What? Anita, do you want to come to the bunker? No. So that's fine. No, there's a bit more room in the bunker. But it doesn't want to come if you're not like to beat off there. Immediately turns it down. No way.

What's that rule again? No way. Yeah. I'm not coming. I'm going to stay in my own bunker. No rules in my own one. Don't forget this is out on YouTube tomorrow. You can watch it happen.

Not live. You know what I mean. Pictures. They are live. All the YouTube videos are live. Yeah. So we just re-react the exact audio. time you watch it, we've got a rush here.

Yeah, yeah. And do it again. Yeah. Happy to do so. We appreciate the views. We always know. Look, do subscribe to the YouTube. Benito gets sad. Yep.

This is the off-meny menu of Koji Radical. Welcome Koji to the Dream Restaurant. Oh, God, so exciting. Welcome, Koji Radical to the Dream Restaurant, but it's been to some time. Yes. Yes, you have. Let's get into it.

I told you about a sip of coffee. He sent me a brief. A brief? A brief. And I was like, what do I need a brief for? I think I don't know this show. Yeah. I know this show.

Yeah. That's good. I sat at home by the phone. This outfit is been impressed for such a long time. You bought this outfit specifically for the show, yeah. Because we was talking about it out of there. 2020, we did an interview. Yeah, you and I.

You and I. You and I, I and you. And ever since that day, I've fought any minute now. Yeah. James will call. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Minutes turn to days.

Days to weeks. So we're blaming James for this, though. Weeks to months? No, Co-Gy-Numps! For years. Yeah. Years to today.

Yeah. At least it's been decades. Not been decades. Well, you know that, you know, I went to interview you because I had already interviewed you. So, yeah. It was him the whole time. Yeah.

Come on, come on. Come on. It's the one who is. I wanted you on the Taskmaster podcast. Oh, what a good time. Because you did Task Master New Year's Treat, of course. Yeah. I was really campaigning for a full season.

Yeah. We can start the campaign here. Please. Yeah. Someone started a petition. A petition. A petition. after the episode came out, I was in Australia.

So I was like hours behind, like 10 hours behind. So I've woken up to see the reaction of the episode coming out. And I saw there was a whole petition. And a lot of people signed it, like asking for me to do a full season. And they ignored it. That is a shame. They are tyrants on that show, though. They will ignore.

I mean, you've got to get it up to a amount of signatures that it's discussed in Parliament. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I plan to. Yeah. I plan to sign my petition, please. How did you find Alex? pretty annoying? No, he was all right.

The duality of Alex is amazing to me. He's like when he comes into the dressing room and he's just having a chat with you about the show, he's just so like, I hate to use the word normal, but he's just something normal. So much so that you forget that he's hilarious.

And then you get on set and he just starts talking there and you're just like, oh, I'm going to go any minute now. I'm going to start crying with laughter. I was trying to hold it together and not look like such a super fan on the stage,

but everything was exciting. I thought, oh my God, this feels like real gold. Are you much of a foodie, coach? I like to eat. Yeah, I like to eat. I feel like I can't call myself a foodie because it's still a lot I won't eat. Like what?

That's a good point. Should we list the things that you think? I'm not eating. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely not eating. Now I've taken a stand against pheasant. Not eating. And it's about time someone should.

That's a mark of. So how far you've come. Budget peacock. Get me a trick. It's shit. So would you eat peacock then? No. No.

See, and the more exotic the animal goes, the less likely I am to eat it. Yeah. The most kinky thing I've eaten in the bird world is ostrich. Because I was confused. I wanted it to. I thought,

could do with the chicken burger. Yeah. What's up there, they had a beef burger. They had an ostrich burger. They should have told me they're the same thing. They should have told you on spot. It's the same thing.

I was like, a bit into it. I almost took it back and said, what you doing? Yeah. Fritting, put his hand in my chest. Stop, you'll embarrass yourself. Yeah. So I stopped.

Mushrooms. I don't like mushrooms. What do you mean ostrich and beef for the same thing? Do you mean... They're basically... So ostrich is basically red meat. Oh, right. Okay.

That's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, by the time it's there, between two buns, that's... That could have been... That could have been a cow. It's the bird version of a cow, basically. Yeah, we could have had one more ostrich in the world still.

Unless we're only... It's like only once, like, they've lived a full life. But what's a full ostrich life? I didn't even know they was being hunted for food trucks. Yeah, I thought they were just chilling out. You know what I didn't know? Someone should start a petition for that. I wouldn't chuck many more petitions out there because you want to focus on the taskmaster.

On mine, yeah, yeah. True. No other petitions are. I don't think they're conflicting petitions. But just in the cliques these days, you can only direct people so far. Do you know what I mean? Comment, like and subscribe. See, that's it.

Yeah. Unless we lump the petitions together. So it's Get-Cosuradical of full series of Taskmaster, plus stop eating ostrich. Yeah, stop that. Ockra. Don't like that. Oh, what?

Delicious. No, slimy. Can be slimy. Well, it's not. What a crispy ockis? Sometimes it's a general... If it's like fried, which is basically then it's a fry.

Still tastes nice. It's nice then. In its slimy state. I like the slimy one. No, isn't it? I don't mind the slimy. I like it, I love it. Watership down, not doing it.

What? The film? Rabbits. Rabbits. Okay. Not doing that. We're just calling all rabbits watershed down. That's the faction that they belong to.

Yeah. I'm not doing that. There's loads of them that I'm not doing. Anything too slimy, I'm not interested in. I think mushrooms is the only one that's going to give you a problem there. The rest of them are pheasant ostrich rabbit. Mushrooms is gross. And I'm sure it does something to my stomach that I'm not really ready to deal with.

ages because I feel like I have less in the way to stop it from happening. Do you know what I mean? I feel like toilet related accidents just get more and more likely the older you get. Despite the fact that in your mind you're like, of course I can hold that. Yeah, I'm a grown-up. Yeah, I'm a whole adult person. Then you're just out of your doorstep, puddle in your lap. Because you can't get your keys at your pocket on time.

I've noticed in my own life, when I go away on tour, I take more pairs of pants with me now. 100% just in case. Just in case. Yeah, yeah. And listen, there's nothing wrong with that. Pack an extra pair. Yeah, I'm packing more than one extra pair. Because in my mind, as soon as I leave the country,

I'm going to ship myself three times. Yeah, which could happen. It could happen. Could happen. And you can be careful all you want until someone's like, oh, I have this. And you think, oh, it's just a Coca-Cola. If you get there's ice in it,

yeah. Ice does you over. Yeah. You're done. You're done for. Yeah, no, do you over. Do you, I want for precautioning way before this? Absolutely should have.

Because he just gets so annoyed at me, Benito. If you have a midway If I go, oh, I've got to go for a wee. Mm-hmm. It's just feng shui.

The feng shui. And then it's like, it's too much of a reset point. You've got to just hold it together. I hope I can. Yeah. I'm the guest, so if I... You can't get mad at me.

He won't get mad at you. We won't get mad at you. And you've already told us that toilet-related accidents that could happen to anyone from front of your mind. At any time. And a guest has never

pissed themselves on camera in this. Well, watch this. Coachie, we're very excited because we're doing the Royal Albert Hall and so are you. You guys are? Yeah, we're Royal Albert Hall buddies.

Yeah. What date? March sometime. Nice. You're there in May. I'm there in May. So we'll keep it out for me. Yeah.

May 20th. Yep. Yes, May 20th, Roy Albert Hall. That's really exciting. It is. I'm super excited. There's so much that I like to do with a live show that I've never been able to do before.

That was going to do before. at the Roundhouse just before COVID COVID shut it down. Couldn't do it. And all of these ideas kind of stayed in my head. And we had the Brixton Academy show after that, but I feel

like Brixton Academy is still not the right stage for what I wanted to kind of do with that show. So like this one now, that's why there's such a long lead-up time. Like we're really kind of take the production value to the sky. Do you know what I mean?

and put on a show that I'm like, I could retire on that one. I won't. Yeah. Could. Do you know what I mean? Are there like particular people that you're working with

who you haven't worked before or that you have in the past? I think it's working with the same people but to a different degree. Like I think for me and Swindle, we've always wanted to, Swindle's my producer for context. Bad Boy producer,

he's produced for legends for many, many years and luckily he's a very close friend of mine and a long-time collaborator. and a music man to the core. And what he's had envisioned for doing a show has kind of been super excited as well. And he's got access to everyone. You know what I mean? He can just make calls and like people turn up.

So yeah, I think this one's going to be very special. We're going to have all the special guests. I think for me as well, I want it to go, but I've been doing this a while now. Long time. Too long. Too long to be rapping. But a lot of the older songs I've never been able to. bring to stage in that way. So I kind of want to go back, do some records from 23 winners,

do some records from In God's Body, Cashmere Tears, and kind of build up this story to where we are today with Don Not Down. So yeah, I'm looking forward to it. You say too long to be rapping, but like one of the really exciting things now with rap music is how you get older rappers talking about things from their perspective. And that's almost created a whole new genre because it's still quite a young genre. For sure. I think a lot of the time music doesn't necessarily mature in the ways that you'd want it to.

Yeah. And I felt like hip hop suffered with that the most because the iconographies of it were kind of so, like, childish in nature. Do you know what I mean? Like, I've got all of this. I've got all the girls. I've got all the cars. I've got all the money.

I go all this. Eventually it's like, no, we've got mortgages. And like prostate checkups and stuff. It's like real old man, grow men. shit. I'm worried about toilet accidents. That's why Andre 3,000 is just walking around food I was playing a flute.

Yeah. You know what I mean? He's just like, well, I can't rap about this stuff no more. He's got, I would say he's got too much shit for that, for that comment. Yeah, I think. It's like, I think he was talking more about

himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I still think the rap album's there. Yeah, I think he knows it's like a red button. you can push that whenever he wants to and the world will stop. So we always start with still a sparkling water coaching.

Still, please. Still. I don't even like people around me that drink sparkling. And my friends do it to just get all my tits. Yeah. Yeah, it's every time. They know. So I'm like, what are you doing?

You just don't even understand it. Yeah, this ain't you. So you say it as people trying to make out there's something they're not? Yeah, like, what is the point? There's bubbles in it. Get a real drink. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Full fat Coke, if you're out about it. Yeah, do what I mean? If you want the bubbles. Take it to the chin. Do you know what I'm saying? This is bubble stuff. It makes me itch from behind my eyebrows whenever I drink. Sparkling.

I hate it with a passion. Are you not a bubbles guy anyway? Because you were saying out there before we started recording that you hate champagne. I hate champagne. You don't get your kicks from champagne? Awful drink. Awful, awful drink. Awful hangover.

What did that miss? kicks from champagne. I've got to look at... James is a secret lyricist. He is, yeah, yeah. He just drops these little bars in the background. Yeah, yeah. And he thinks I don't hear them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Snaky, little, you get to me? But no, awful drink, awful, horrible. Chuck it away. And is that the bubbles or the text? Do you know who scares me? Sorry, now I'm here, I'm here. Please.

Do you know who scares me even more? Go on. People that have the bubble maker machine in their house. Yeah, yeah. I used to have one. I knew there was something. I used to have one. I don't have one anymore.

You got rid of it. Yeah, got rid of it. What's the point? Especially when you've got to remember to buy the air, the gas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At that point, just get another bottle

and just dash the machine away. I was tempted to experiment with it, though, obviously, like make loads of things fizzy. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah. If it was just exclusively water problems. Yeah, yeah. But you was in there trying to make Tyser.

Yeah, I mean, God, I wish I'd made Tyser. That'd been good. I don't even know what Tyser is. Yeah, it'd be hard to make them. Even the ingredients. The bubbles is the easy part of that. Yeah. Put everything red that you can find in your kitchen and fizz it up.

Well, it's basically then it's ketchup. Standard. Chop tomatoes. Do you know what I miss? Go on. Do you remember K. Nah. Where'd you grow up?

London? Whereabouts in London? Southwest London. Come on now, you know a K.A. You know a K. Oh, the drink? Yeah. Oh, right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember when it used to taste purple? Like black grape used to taste actually purple. All the drinks back then were so much better. Panda Pop. Yeah.

What's the world come to now? Yeah, the Panthers. Is Ambongo still around? No. Well, it probably is, but it's like proper third shelf budget supermarket liquid. Mm-hmm. Like that Robinson's has definitely paid more than them. Yeah, definitely.

I think CA's still knocking about. They are, but it's not knocking about it with the same Vim. It doesn't taste like... Yeah, the tenacity is not. not there anymore. It did taste like this liquidized color. Yeah, and that's perfect. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I want. Sunny D as well. I mean, we weren't allowed sunny delight. Did they tell you was going to turn your orange? Yeah, I think there was a lot of stuff. There was a lot of anti-Sunny D stuff in the press at the time. And so I think my mum was very anti-Sunny Delight. Yeah, same.

And I thought, Mom, like the likelihood of a liquid turning me orange is so. Yeah, so loud. But even still, I don't make sure if she wanted to pay the extra. Because Sunny Doo was Spenny. It was. And you wanted it, I don't know why I wanted it so much. Advert.

Before I even tasted it. That was when adverts were king. They opened the fridge. What? An advert. I don't even know what they've got in the fridge. I don't even know what yop is. Yeah, sure.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But you know you want it. Off by heart. Yeah, mama. I was drinking a yop once on the street. Someone shouted. Yop on the street.

Yeah, I was walking down drinking a yop. This is like... You can't make that sound normal. Don't you think you can slip that past us? Tricking a yop on the street. It's like 2008. As soon as you got out of that car, he just cracked up on a fresh yop.

Yeah. Yeah. I was drinking a yop on the street. Yeah. And someone went past me in a car. And with a bunch of lads, little younger than me, one of them called me Fridge Wanker.

Like it was a milkshake fridge. Oh, right. And I said, about it's a yop. You got him. Yeah. You told him. You told him. Pretty good.

Did he say sorry? I didn't know it was a yoghob-based drink. I thought you were drinking a delicious milkshake. No, I'm drinking a yon. Who suddenly doesn't taste as nuts. Fake you. It's a yop. For your steel water, we could give you a K-A instead if you want.

Oh, if I can just make random requests like that, can I get a sorrel in ginger? Yes. Thank you. What's that? It's a... I'll call it a Caribbean drink because I'll normally get it when I go to the Caribbean drink to get myself a little one meal and a drink. And there's one drink that I normally get sorrel and ginger and I think sorrel is something

and ginger is ginger. I don't know what sorrel is, but it's kind of red. Yeah. Put that it at a tighter. It's nice though. What's sorrel? It's like a herb, isn't it, or something? or like a leaf.

You know what's so funny is I never even asked them ever in my life. Someone in Caribbean said, drink this. And I drank it and I was like, this is banging.

Yeah. I never questioned it. I never was like, what's this? It was like, I never asked. Herbaceous plant. Habacious plant and ginger.

Nice. Lovely liquid. Beautiful. I have some of that. Yeah, you can have some of that. Yeah, thank you. Ed,

can you shout Populums of bread. My throat isn't 100%. Okay. Oh, this is the first time I'm going to do it. So you want to shout out of yourself? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to shout out myself. I'm a fan edition.

Pop-a-a-a-a-ha-a-bread! Pop-a-doms or bread! Sorry. I didn't think the first one... No, hey. It was good. It was good. It's nice to hear someone else to it.

Yeah, it's the first time a guest's done it for themselves, isn't it? First time. Yeah. I wanted to. The bucket of these things. Bread, though. Bread, definitely bread. Has anyone ever picked Pop-a-doms?

I have people, yeah. For a while, it was near on 50-50. Yeah, I think. Bread too premises. We're bringing it back. Yeah. Any particular type of bread? Turkish.

Turkish bread. Nice. Lovely. Any particular type of Turkish bread? Which Turkish bread are we thinking? There's a place in Woodgreen. I forgot its name. Everyone knows it.

That's big. Yeah, I'm trying to think now. Wood Green was the first place I lived in London. And I was around there for quite a bit, so I should know. Gio, something like that. Anyway, it's over there. It's nice, though, big one. Two floors.

Restaurant. Got Kizu? That's the one. Yeah? Yeah. I never actually learned any of the next. names of any of them. So you know it properly. Yeah, well, because there's a couple of Gokies, there's one, there's one in Waltham Stowe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was Wood Green the original one then? I think it might have been. Oh, well, that's Oji, yeah. Oji Turkish bread. Yeah. Like the flat bread, yeah, cooked on the grill. It's got to be the spicy one.

Yeah, okay, nice. Yeah, yeah, not the plain of Jane. Yeah. What spice they got in there? And obviously the obligatory chili sauce. Yeah. It's got some ice that comes with the table, chili sauce, garlic sauce. right there.

Yeah. But I think they put chili flakes and oil, olive oil, a bit of chili flakes sprinkled over the top, baked that in there,

gives it a nice little zing. Yeah. Do I mean? When I lived around there, I didn't know the names of any places. I wasn't really interested

in food back then. And Josh Whitaker and I lived nearby would always text each other meet you in the cafe where the man farted. Because that was like, we didn't know the name of it.

Yeah. But a man... Was it a Turkish cafe? I think so. But like a man had just cocked a cheek and farted once it, like, just on the next table. Like literally cocked it up. Yeah, we couldn't stop laughing about it. I think if you are going to fart in a cafe, that's the way to do it, isn't it?

Or just discreetly. No, no, no, I think if you're going to then go outside. If you're farting. Yeah, okay, first. And there's other people in a cafe. Yeah, just. Yeah, fart with pride. Cock it up and go.

Yeah. Cock it up and go. You've got to cock it up and go. Yeah, yeah, cock it up and go. What is it with you and people farting in cafes, isn't it? It's bad, in it? Yeah. I don't know why.

Wait, what? He's had this before. Wait, what? Nish, of course. Nish Kumar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He farted in a restaurant when we were in New Year's Eve. Lovely, lovely restaurant as well and did the worst fart I've ever smelt in my life.

Is it? Into Ed's face. Yeah, into my face. No. What did you do to deserve such a heinous crime? I think he's just so comfortable around me now that he knows, yeah. He needs to know my scent. Yeah, he was marking his territory.

Yeah, just against I ever go missing. They need to sin. Yeah, you can sniff him out. Yeah. I don't think anyone could sniff about those, to be honest. When else are people fine? There's your Banbury cake? Oh, yeah, the Banbury cake lady.

Yeah, yeah, the old lady. Oh, what happened? It's a really, really, like, oldest woman in the world in Banbury. Yeah. And me and my family went, well, that's probably in my early 20s. And, yeah, she was handing out. We all ordered Banbury cakes. Right.

What's a Banbury cake? It's like a raisiny kind of cake that they're making Banbury. Yeah, I can't remember it that well now, because the lasting men are. memory as she was handed them out. She had in my brother his plate, he was the furthest away. And she said, here's your bamboo cake, and then she farted. And it was the fact that she said, here's your bamboo cake beforehand,

which is what made us all laugh for so long, and we couldn't stop laughing. And so for a long time in my house... Every time someone's fighting this, here's your banter cake. Just beforehand. It was a lot of fun. Which is good, I think. I think it's good to have something you say before you fart. Yeah, yeah.

Especially if it's here's your bamboo cake. Do you have anything you say before you fart, Codew? No, you know. nah to be honest more time I'm just like hoping that it's a clean

operation of course no not to say I'm going to shit myself but just like if I'm in a public space you don't want to loud

yeah in private the loud ones are like real like there's pride in them yeah do you know what I mean and they don't often smell

the loud ones I find yeah exactly yeah they're calm but there's nothing worse than being in a scenario where it's got to come out you can't hold it

in the belly's fucked up Yeah. It's got to come out and you're thinking, right, if I angle it the right way, I can probably get away with a silent one. And it's just not that, it's anything by now. And there's no way to like, you can't, you look around for a victim.

As in someone to blame it rather than someone to aim it at. Yeah, yeah. At this way. That is, but we're dealing with chemical warfare. Yeah. So you look around, and there's like, everyone around you know

they it couldn't be there you know you're ah this is a hard sell yeah this is a hard sell everyone's immediately looked at you or me in this scenario and I know I'm guilty and it's just not nice so whenever I fight in public

I try and make sure I'm sitting down yeah okay I try not to fart standing up to baffle the sound a little bit yeah yeah yeah that I'm probably like, and I was like, do you know what I mean? Like, pelvis down.

Yeah. I'm like, I'm trying to be courteous. Yeah. You know who doesn't care? My son doesn't care. He's five of you fart anywhere. Yeah. He's five though.

And that's the problem. Yeah. Because when do we stop that? When do we go? You're six, you can't fart. Nah, aside no more. We need to get out of him now. Do you know what I mean?

But we're just, it's gentle parenting. Yeah. It's just like, how you like gently cook someone into not farting. You don't want to shame him about his farts. Exactly. Exactly. You don't want to be like,

Oh, do you know what I'm just giving him a look And he just like Do you know what he said to me He was like, it's fine, open the window He's what he said to me I'm driving and this is a new car Fresh, yeah yeah No new car smell

I didn't even left the car, fresh Yeah And I could just smell fart On the back seat And I've looked behind me And he's not so the word apart from It's fine, just open the window Let's get into your dream menu proper now

Your dream starter. How many can I have as many as I want? It's my world. Well, sharing plates. It's sharing plates. Sharing plates. Yeah, we will. Newfangled dangled rules in restaurants.

Yeah, but the sharing plates then, we're working with the system where we don't have the starter main side. It's just sharing plates. You don't get a start-re sharing plates? They try to get you for everything when you go in them establishment. Yeah, but then it's also sharing for the main, right, as well.

Good, do? How hungry are you? I'm always hungry. There we go. Are we always? eat in? If you want it. If you want to

I would love for you to join me for dinner. I'm a disaster with sharing plates so it's it goes mad. It goes crazy you're not a fan of it.

No, I love it. But you're just like it's always it's an argument with the waiter every time where it's like we recommend three to four

plates. Yeah. Do you know what they start doing as well? Which I think is diabolical. I think it's rude in fact. Yeah.

Let's say now it's you, you're on a date. Yeah. Plates there. Yeah. Why is there three? Three things.

Yeah, it's mad. Why is there three of them? It's mad. There's two of us. Yeah. One of these, one, one, one is now a conversation of, do you want it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you have it. Yeah.

That goes on for too long. Yeah. Or you just rush, eat it, and then now you look crazy, you look greedy. Or it's something that, and it's something that you can't split in half successfully as well. One or the other. So if it's like a whole thing that you can just immediately go like that and you don't need to have the conversation. The lady and the Trump days are gone as well. You can't just like half fighting, go in.

Yeah, yeah. Have the other half of this dumpling, babe. The lady in the Trump days are gone. Yeah. This is what's wrong with Britain. I think so. The amount that you've got to cut up a... What are the...

Why am I blanking on this name? Here's a fun thing. Try and... I try and work out what I'm talking about. Crockettes. Well, that's what I'd have. Oh, I'd have a chop up and have a croquette in my life. I'd have a...

Poy-bid hot. A ptoll croquet. Oh, yeah. Nothing. Oxdale cricket. Beautiful. And from anywhere particular that you've had the best oxdale croquette? How often, just help me out.

How often when a name of a restaurant is said on this podcast, does a person get a complimentary free dinner from that place? Quite often, I would say. Pretty often, yeah. Well, it was smokestack in shorty. Yes. Yeah, that's good. What a place.

What a place. And the oxdale croquettes are one of the best things on the menu there. Wonderful. And there's something about an oxdale cricket that's just like biting into the best parts of gentrification. Yeah? Oxdell was like polystyrene boxes Yeah

Oxdale butter beans, rice, peas Cogslaw planting Go about your day Now, shredded lightly fried Yeah It's lovely Hipster places like smoke stack

Yeah Well like they've got Actually no They don't Do you give you plates in there Is it just like Yeah Yeah

Plates in there Yeah yeah Big up you guys For putting out plates Because Gone all the days You know When they just bring out logs

Yeah Logs Or a Lod Or a roof tile or something. Yeah, just what was that phase of restaurant in? I think it still exists, but it's moved out of the like trendy restaurants. And now it's in like the mainstream restaurants. Oh, I'm not going there.

Like I walked past a sign for a roast dinner in a pub the other day and it was all on a breadboard. What's the point? And in the picture, they're pouring gravy on it. It's like, well, that's fucking gravy all over the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now your table's full of gravy. Yeah. Yeah.

Forearm. Because at some point you're going to forget itself a lean for one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gravied out your forearm. I thought you were saying that they were going to do it like salt babe, but with gravy. That'd be awful Yeah, gravy bay He's restaurants are pants

He doesn't shut up about salt bay What do you mean I don't shut up about salt bay? He talked about him last time he did an episode He was talking about salt bay I went there once, he was so rubbish Yeah, I mean it looks really bad Pants Yeah, I only learnt about salt bay

If I aired on this podcast But I hate I hate soapy It's pants, man Yeah Bigg him up though, I guess No, we don't need to big him up Not big in that I just like to end on positivity

Yeah, okay, yeah Because I'm a natural war on hater. Yeah. Here's a positive thing. Opposite Smokestack, there's some graffiti on a wall that looks like Stuart Loss. Oh.

How often have you had a window seat in there? Just to the one side of window seat and I looked over and my partner said, hey, that graffiti of the cartoon man looks like your friend Stuart. I texted Stewart. He didn't like it. No. He didn't think you looked like him. Didn't like it, no. But then I texted off

on a mutual friend and said, who's this? And he went, that's Stuart Lors. So I said, he says it. you. I said, show it to your girlfriend and see what she says. I said, all you can say is who's this. Yeah, right. So we showed it to her and said, who's this? She said, that's my boyfriend.

So you had to admit that's him. And next time you go to the smoke stack. I might have to get a window, see. Yeah, get a window. Do you want to know what's true at Laws looks like? Good look. Sit there, look out of the window. It's right there. Can I pair of drinks with different? Can I pair of drinks? What do I want to pair that with?

While you're thinking about it, I was in Lisbon the other day, and I had goat croquettes. What, as in the goat was in a cricket? Yeah. As in, not croquettes for goats.

Or greatest of all time croquets. Yeah. I'm talking about goat meat croquettes. Okay. Which was excellent as well. Yeah, because to me that's the same as like a curry goat

cricket, which I'd have. Yeah, yeah. If anyone wants to make me a curry goat cricket, yeah. Please, hurry up. I don't, there's not many things I can think of that I wouldn't want to croquette. Interesting.

Oh, there's so many things. Yeah. I could give you a whole whole. list. Don't put pheasant. No pheasant. No peacock. No peacock, no pheasant, no rabbit. No veal. I don't want veal croquette.

No, veal croquette wouldn't work. It has to be a bit of fat in the meat. What's my man always? Venison. Is it venison? No, it's not venison. Bald. U.S.C. Joe Rogan.

Okay. El. Dea? Elk. He doesn't have an elk. He's a lot of elk. I don't want anything endorsed by Joe Rogan. In a croquette or otherwise.

Yeah, nah. I mean, nah. Ivermectin croquettes. Sorry? Do you remember Ivermectin? That was something that Joe Rogan was obsessed with. It was the cure for COVID is like horse medicine or something. I'm only, I'm like a clip merchant.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm a clip. I'm a clip merchant as well. They just bombard me. I get shown the weirdest, my YouTube reels. Yeah. It's a weird place to be. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you ever get top five carons? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I search that. I look for it. Yeah, yeah. I get so many top five carons.

I like to, I like to, it's a bit of like a, it's a weird obsession because like sometimes you just like to imagine what life is like on the other side, man. Do you know what I mean? Just being like an old white woman. Just want to know what that's like, that's power that I can never imagine. People think about like ruling countries. Yeah. Do I'm saying?

Taking over small. islands, stuff. People got arrested for that in America. They was going to take over Haiti. Oh, really? Yeah, two white guys just said that we could pull up there, get a couple of our mates, pull up there, take over the country. Little did they know

that they couldn't. Because there's people there. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes I think to myself, old white lady, wow. Powers, man. Powers, powers, powers. And it's like the power of delusion to the

max. It's a crazy level. A lot of these Karen's, though, and in my top five Karen's, they don't get away with it because I watch a lot of top five Karen instant karma. Oh, the sugar on top. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You lack a resolution. I love a resolution. But it's not the same Ed watching it as if you watching it. No, no, no. No. Ed watching it. You know, Ed's there.

He's got more privilege of the Cameron. Yeah. But he's watching it, loving it and laughing. He's picking up. Yeah. Yeah. He's not being an ally. I don't know.

I could just cry. Yeah. Yeah. I think I can just cry on the spot. Or just throw myself on a carb on it. Slowly roll off. Pull up my phone as I stand up and say, He hit me!

Oh, what? There's power! Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old? That's good. That's a good one. Have you seen that one? Yeah, of course. Did you think of a drink that you want to pair with the Oxtell?

I'll have a poloma, please. Oh, lovely. Yeah, it's a good start of the meal drink, a Paloma. My other, because it's sherry starter, is a bit of, we call it chabab in Ghana, but in Nigeria they call it soya. But it's like, a lot of the time it's like beef, and it's like a spice blend and that little onions that go in between. It's always on a stick.

It's like street food, but it's fucking banging. And with like, yeah, the seasoning is like sort of spicy powder on top, you know? It's so good. Yeah. So I'll have a bit of that. And then. some plantain beautiful

dream main course the main course that I dream of I'd have like because it's sherry so we want something that feels like we've hunted it ourselves even though we just ordered it off

the menu so we'll take a whole grilled fish stuffed with like vegetables and vibes flavors like a white tilapia

yeah whole grilled talapia fillade and just have at it. Yeah. It's kind of neversous. The first tilapia we've had on the pod?

It might be the first tilapia. Is there another name for tilapia though, Benito? It feels like one of those multi-name fish. Like when you go to America and they go, do you want a Branzino? Yeah. You mean C-Bass? They call it what?

They call it Branzino. I didn't know that Branzino was a C-Bah. That's awful, right? I knew Branzino, but I didn't know that was C-Bass. Yeah, that's awful. Yeah, I don't like that. Any other names for it? There are hundreds of them apparently its whole species.

Tulapia's banging. Yeah. Never had tilapia? I think I must have had tilapia, yeah. You look well-travelled. I've travelled. Yes. I guarantee one of the places where you travel to,

when you've ordered that fish, didn't ask, but it was tilapia. Do you want to guess some of the places that Ed's traveled to? Guess where I was yesterday. Yesterday? Wait, let me. It wasn't in the UK.

Okay. All that, exactly. I was looking for, like, visible signs of some, No, no, no, no. So it was nowhere hot. No, well, it was warmish, but it was November. You was in Latvia? No.

I was in Gibraltar yesterday. Close? Yeah. Did it give in a cave? Did it give in a cave yesterday in Gibraltar. Is it? Yeah, and you're thinking... Why did you do that?

No, I was on tour. Got us to go to a cave. You've got to go to a cave. You put it on the date, schedule it in. Yeah, exactly. Schedule it, why not? I wouldn't... I mean, I was expecting maybe a bit of tapas,

because it's obviously near Spain. It's in between Spain and Morocco. but basically it's still like a British stronghold so I had a Pizza Express on the marina. I've never been to Spain. You've got to go to Spain. I mean, I'd say start in Madrid or Barcelona. I wouldn't go straight to Gibraltar.

Is it not welcoming? No, it's welcoming, but it doesn't feel very Spanish. Oh, okay. Because there's, you know, an Irish pub with an outdoor football screen and then a pizza express, a Wagamama's and a Lassiguanas. It's bloody brilliant. Go on. Spanish reality TV shows.

Oh, yeah? How did you get into these and what are they? Oh, man. I got into it the same way when I was did. Viral Twitter clip. Brosky was running out on the beach. Funder and lightning behind him. He was screaming out for his bird.

His bird is getting the brakes be off of a by this big Spanish man. He's in her guts. and he's speeding down the beach I can't remember what her name is it's like I need that something like he's running a van van van boom gets there

imagine yeah he gets grabbed you think the security guard grabs him yeah nah broski that's beating down his girl it's his friend he's grabbed him and said whoa

whoa there buddy my friend's busy right now relax he's on his knees I can't believe you do this to me In Spanish obviously Yeah She comes out now

So you was in your island Rubbing up on next girl Now look One up you lose Then she came to her sentence She was like no no come back She was like I don't want you No what his name's Montoya

Montoya Because the lady The old lady She's like the fairy godmother of the houses Let's just explain Let me break the show down. Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Because you've given us a scene from them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But without any of the context of what the show. Yeah, yeah.

So the show's the Spanish for Temptation Island. Oh, right, okay. There's a Temptation Island type show. Couples, the girls go in one house, the boys go in another house. They send single girl into the boys' house.

They send single guys into the boys' house. The aim of the game is to not cheat on your partner. Yeah. But any time something funky happens, yeah? So, like, let's say you go in there, you set your rules.

My Mrs is staring too long. If she's in the pool with Maya man, they're hugging up. Yeah. Anything that's cheating for me. But the problem is, anytime someone does something wrong, there's an alarm that would just sound off. Right. But you don't know who's set the alarm off.

So you're in your house, the alarm goes off. You're just thinking, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. Right? And it's nuts. And all the things that you can imagine going wrong, goes wrong, right?

Yeah. Every couple has their own. Story are Kakaka breakdown, all of them. It's great. It's great. It's so good. It's so good. But Montoya, they put the show on the map. Yeah. And basically, Montoya, he's like a little...

You can tell everybody likes him. Yeah. So he likes the attention. So he was getting the attention. He was nibbling on the attention too much. Yeah. And the problem is, at the end of the week, they'll show your misses what you did that week.

Yeah. This is what he was up to. He was dancing on table with this bird. He was sharing croquettes with this one on Tuesday. You know what I mean? So then she's, do I'm saying? Right, seven days. By the Sunday now,

fireworks. Yeah. Because she's seen this now and she's like, oh, you think, you think you're the only one that likes quickets.

You think. Yeah. She goes back in the house now. Wasn't even 30 minutes later. Boom. They're in the pool going mad. Yeah. So then the alarm's ringing up

for Montoya. Montoya's like, so now, let me break down the scene, yeah? Let me break down the scene. So this is only When he's running on the beach.

So the fairy godmother comes, yeah, and she's like, man, damn, unite. Yeah, boom. So the man them unite, boom, into this room. Yeah. I mean, I wish that's what happened. I wish the fairy godmother says man dead unite. Fairer of godmother comes, man, then unite. All the boys are on the sofa now.

She's like, listen, here's the deal. Yeah, I'm going to break it down to you like this. I'm going to give you an opportunity, yeah. One of you can come with me and we're going to show you a live feed of what's happening in the girls' house right now. Yeah. It's like CCTV footage. Yeah. But the only one that's going to have sound is your girl.

But you can see everyone else. Yeah. Yeah. So you have to pick one. So the boys know Montoya's been going through it. So they're like, we're going to send Montoya. But they're like to Montoya. Please, brother.

Like look out for my gial. Like, tell me what she's up to. Please, brother. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got you. So it goes with her now. Yeah. Bear of mind, I've had to get this on VPN to the night.

I've had to subtitle translate. I'm calling up my bridging Clara. Clara Translate what they're saying. What are they saying? Because I needed to know. It was getting too far. You know when the Spanish? You're Spanish and it's too fast for the subtitles.

Yeah, yeah. Keep up. Yeah. But boom. So Montoya goes now. He sat in front of all these, the cameras now. You can see everyone.

Scan it. So let's say his guy is on camera 11. It's there for. Bear mind, he's only got 10 minutes to do this. Yeah. He's only got 10 minutes. Scanning them. All right, call his gal's there.

Camera 11, please. Enlarges. His guys in there with her little best friend in the house now. They're chatting. Blahzy, blah, blah. She's all crying. I can't believe Montoya's being an idiot over there. Yeah, dancing on the table's eating the croquettes.

What's he doing? Yeah. She's like, babe, don't cry. Manuel, I think his name is, Manuel, knocks on a door. He says, Boja, or whatever her name is. Do one. I need to chat to her.

But, man, this is all within 10 minutes. Yeah, yeah. Walks in there. This is live. It's happening. Live. Live. Oh, Motoy is watching.

Live. Oh, Montoya. He's walked in, nah. He must have said some smooth shit in Spanish. Some smooth Spanish shit. Senorita this, senorita that. Yeah. Can I kick it with you?

Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Boom. She's like, yeah. Next thing you know, lights flick off. Bed is just rattling. Montoya says, what?

Bha! Frag! Starts running down the beach. Yeah, yeah. Like I said, the lightning was a paid act to lightning. Fungerstorm, gaga. Cameraman's on a gimbal now. Before it's fixed cameras,

he's had to load up the tank. Boom. Fairy godmother's chasing after Montoya. Montoya! Montoya! So wherever long, I say all that to say, wherever they're shooting that is the part of Spain, I need to go.

Yeah. Because that is excitement. Yeah, yeah. That is exciting. We can put your dream restaurant there if you want. We can put it on the beach. On the beach. So that while I'm eating the fish.

At the moment. that you're eating the fish and it's been grilled on the beach, the thunderstorm starts you like, I know what's happening here. And Montoya runs past you while you're eating the fish. That's it, man. Entertainment. Yeah.

No one ever thinks of that. I'm entertained by that. I'm entertained by that. Thank you for letting me tell my story. Not your story. Dream side dish. Ah. Do you know what?

The problem is, yeah. I don't know what they're called or what. He calls them turf. No, surf potatoes. Chef Tom Brown He's got a restaurant He's got a new one With his bread in Kings Cross

Has he got a new one So he's got a cornerstone right Yeah yeah yeah yeah He's got that And he's got a new one now Kings Cross Nice Mayor Street Market

Called Island And they've got these crispy Potatoes Roast potatoes But they're like seasoned With like Lots of lots of like

citrusy kind of flavours It's like Do I mean It's got a little tang to it But it's got that crispy, fluffy potato feeling. And they always recommend

to pair that with the fish. And it's kind of hard to go back once you've had them. So I want those ones specifically. We'll just call them surf roast potatoes. Yeah. That makes sense to get some like citrusy

potatoes with your fish. Yeah. And then obviously the fish is stuffed so have like all our fresh vegetables in there and all that stuff up. Yeah. When you said what was in the vegetables, I think in the fish, you said vegetables and then you said vibes. Were there any more specifics to the vibes? Yeah, yeah. Like obviously, we've got to chop some garlic up,

some red peppers, maybe a little scotch bonnet, so it's a bit spicy. We're going to have some basil, some coriander, basically all of our green seasoning. Sweet peppers as well, red onions, some shallots. Do you know what I mean? We're going to blend most of that up. Some of it we're going to keep kind of chopped whole, but most of that we're going to blend up, so it's a bit pasty. And then we're going to paste that over the fish.

fillet grill, bit of foil on it, so it's just like, is what I'm saying? Fucking bring that out. Delicious. Bring that out. It's very good. And when it comes off the grill, are you going to be the one like picking the fish off or are you going to have someone there to sort of expert?

They're going to make a show out of it for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a proper nice in there, I promise you. Well, because you got that show happening, and then obviously you got Montoya like caning it past. Yeah, caneing it in the past. You're throwing Montoya some fish? No, he's, He couldn't eat for days.

He couldn't eat for days. He was heartbroken. He was heartbroken. With reality shows, when they get pitched and stuff, but how they get made and how they know it's going to work. Because for me, if I was a commissioner, and someone said, we're going to put all the men in one house,

all the women in another house, we're going to then send in, like, sexy people to both of the houses. And the thing is, is that if you don't cheat, then you will. win. I would think as the commissioner, or just no one's going to cheat, what are you talking about? Yeah, but that's casting, right? Yeah, but they're like, they know people well enough now in reality TV that they go, no, no, no. Some people can't resist it, even though they're being filmed on TV. People would do it for the clips. Well, that's it. It's either they can't resist it or more likely people don't go in those shows to win. People go in those shows to then get a career where they can go on other reality shows. And the way you do that is by, you know, cheating in Dempitation Island.

Do you know what I've been seeing on my timeline a bit more these days? It's the Married at First Site. The new season, I used to be a married at first site. Connoisseur, especially the Australian one. Yeah. What a series. Well, all Australian versions of TV shows are just madder than

anywhere else in the world. And they fight. Yeah. There was one Filipino babe on there that was ready to go. Every dinner party. She was flipping tables, chucking I'm surprised you made it past like two episodes. The only Marriott of First Sight one I get is the British one where the guy walks down,

no, the lady walks down the aisle and the guy turns around and he's put big feck teeth in. That's the only one I get regularly. Why have I not seen that? I need to see that immediately. Let's get on my algorithm. If you're on the Karen's algorithm, you'll get it eventually. Oh, man. Do you know what my favourite season was?

There was one brother. I can't remember what his name is now. It's so bad, but it's probably better that I don't. Should he just call him Montoya? Let's call him Montoya of Marriott at first sight. Yeah. But imagine, yeah. Yeah, it's the day, yeah, where they're meant to take them to, like, your house now.

Yeah. To be like, oh, boom, meet my family, meet my people, look into my world. Yeah. This brother took the go to Leighton Park. To go put her on a bench. And said, oh, just like being private, I didn't want all the cameras in my house. But this is where I grew up. This is my area.

It's my ends. Layton Park. She was sitting there thinking, wow. Yeah. It was dark. Because that should be a nice thing where you go into someone's house and, you know, meet their mum or whatever. Yeah. It's mad when I'm talking to my part about this morning, but like when I think back to the first series of Big Brother in the 90s.

Good times. And it was such a gentle show. And there was like nasty Nick, but really, what was he doing? It was just like saying one thing to one person and a slightly different thing to another. Sliding nights to people. Yeah, but we didn't even know about the sliding notes. When we were getting annoyed about it, until he got busted, we didn't really know about the fun.

All we knew was... Craig knew about the Knights. Yeah, but all we knew, we were like, well, he's saying to that person, he likes him, and then he's going to another person going, I don't really like that guy. That was it. He was trying to influence the vote, though, to be fair.

It was nasty. It was nasty. Nasty. Nasty Nick. Compared to now. Yeah, yeah. Now is diabolical. It's insane.

Yeah, yeah. How much everyone hated nasty Nick in the country? Yeah. And was like, we've got to get him out, and someone threw a little, flew a plane in there, a little toy plane saying he's lying to you because everyone was so up in arms about nasty Nick. I feel like the country needs someone to hate every year, like especially as a nation.

As a British we liked, we like a good hate session. Back then we'd actually get together and hate a guy who actually wasn't very nice. Now, the people who are the worst people on those shows, everyone loves them. And it's like, that person's great. They just speak their mind. They're so great. Yeah, you've got to get it done. But it's so much worse now. someone's got to be the bad guy.

I'm saying, we're fucked. As a nation, as a people. Yeah, we're fucked. Do you reckon you could do it, reality TV? No. Yeah,

you'd be the worst guy on it? Like a big brother. Do you reckon you could do a big brother? No way. I'd go nuts. Yeah, that's... I'd love it. Huh?

I'm a celebrity, you reckon? No, I'll go nuts. I'm a celebrity, I wouldn't jump out of the plane. Oh, yeah. I'd be like, forget this. You wouldn't, but early. Early, yeah, I'll be like,

yeah, goodbye. Like goodbye forever. When it's like still basically toe touching distance from the floor, he's like, yeah, I'm off. Do you reckon? I'd do it if it was like, I think I've said this before. If they were like, the other people who are going in, are all a bunch of legends who you'd love to hang out with.

Yeah, I'll do it. But it's always, because Joel went on it and he got on with everyone. And he had a great time. And then they went, oh, can't have that happen again. Yeah. So they've always tried to make it that there's going to be arguments. And people that you don't get on with. And I'm sleeping on a jungle floor.

on top of that and they're feeding me like kangaroo dicks. I'm not going to enjoy it. There's going to be none of that that is going to... The more exotic you go. Yeah. And I'd break down in the bake-off tent. I'm not going to do well in the jungle with like, you know, the JLC or whatever

her name is. What's her name? Gemma Collins. Gemma Collins. But like... Not JLC. No, that's Goldie-looking Cheat. Yeah. It's a mix between gold-looking chade and JLS.

You've done that. Yeah. Yeah. Your dream, drink. We've had a few shoutouts of drinks that you like. Yeah, my dream drink. Plum wine with a spirit, not with a spirit. What am I talking about?

Plum wine and tonic. Okay. Had it in Japan. Yeah, yeah. And I got very drunk because it was so delicious. So this is, yeah, in Japan, that sort of sour, the sour plum sort of thing. It's like a, umaboshi, I think, is the sour plum. Yeah, it's lovely, though.

You could have it playing Jane. No tonic. But that's the one time where bubbles are allowed to be introduced. Tonic's not sparking water. You know what I mean? I think that's got a bit of a thing to it. You can get older flower in it now.

Yeah. That's why I get it. It's come a long way. Like crying. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Do you know what's annoying me about my...

Is anyone else got like the Google thing in that, like, instead of ring doorbells? I feel like I should have just gone ring doorbell. What's happened? It just doesn't ever work. You're on your watch and you're getting annoyed. Something's just suddenly happened.

And for the listener, this isn't a hard edit where we've just gone into something else. Yeah. This has just happened in real time. The Koji was talking about grime and tonic and then suddenly... Got mad at my watch. Has anyone else got this Google thing?

What was happening there? It's just... It never works when I want it to work. Yeah. Like yesterday, I really desperately needed to check something. Yeah. Couldn't. Kept selling me...

No, I don't feel like being a... camera today. Fuck you. Fuck you and your dreams. And then today, notifications at the wazoo. Someone's, someone's cat is just like,

fucking jumped on your mailbox. Someone's looked at your house. Yeah, people from Zupla are here again, making pictures. This is why we need to get rid of the Apple Watch. You don't like Apple Watch? No. We got enough notifications coming through.

You're all right. You're right. You're right. I got, this was a gift. All right, fair enough. All right. I'll take one if anyone's up. friend. Yeah, I was against them, so it was free.

You get? So what is it, like a camera that's on your door that just films everything that's going on? You don't have a ring door bill camera? No. You're a different kind of rich then. You've got snipers. You've got people on the roof.

James lives next door to a detective, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do actually... He has a trained pet out of circles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can talk, Al, talk to the owl. Yeah, yeah. That would be core though if you just get home and just do this.

Do you want? That's what we all want? And you go, what happened today? It goes, whir-h, and you go, good looking out. The thing is, that would suggest that if you had a pet owl who looked out for everything, that you'd ever leave your house. Because if I had a pet owl flying around looking at stuff,

I'd just sit there and watch the owl. Yeah, just be that. You'd never fucking see me again. Yeah. You could do like a whole segment with the owl. Yeah. Just put a little GoPro on his chest. Yeah.

I'll go up to in a day. It's an hour's life-like. That would be good. Let me have some more wholesome thing to watch on YouTube, please. Yeah. I watch all kinds of stuff on YouTube. Yeah. I'd train my owl to attack Karens with the GoPro on.

It would be good. And then that's making top five Karens, isn't it? Yes, then calm up. Yes, it would. If one of them got attacked by an owl, it would make top five Karrange by owl. That's like the staircase, isn't it? Yeah. They thought she was attacked by an owl.

Well, if they didn't think it was the defense. Yeah. We're saying that at one point, even though no one else believed she was attacked by an owl. Was she attacked by an hour? There was no way. You know, but it was like the people defended her husband were like,

oh, we think she was on top of the stairs and then the window was open and an owl flew in and put its talons in her head and that made her stagger back and then she fell down the stairs because we found these marks in her head that we think must have been

owl talons. Imagine going into court that day. Where is that? Imagine being in Streatham. And someone's defence being like, going to attack by an owl. Well, you know you've run out of,

you know that you have no defence if an owl's popping in, right? You know you've done it. You've done the crime. If you're going to court going, okay, this is our last chance. We're going to claim it was an owl. This is all I've got.

This is what I've got left. I think of it. Yeah, this guy's going to go to prison for this life, but we've got a career to uphold after this. And we've got a crime-committing owl on the loose. Yeah. How do we represent a? If they believed that, yeah.

Someone's got to go down for that. Yeah. Yeah. That would be going to the next case is like the owl. And weirdly, they have been hired as the lawyers. Yeah. Same people now defending the owl. That would be good.

I love watching court stuff nowadays. Yeah. That's my entertainment. Seriously. I'm into it. Like you watch real life court? Yeah, I'm into it. Yeah.

I want to know what's going on in there. Yeah. Tell me about it. fun? No, the crimes are horrific, but like, but you know what I mean?

It's more, I like watching the defense lawyers, I think that is hilarious a little bit. You know when you just got someone banged to rats? Oh, we've done it.

Yeah. On the stairs with a spatula, two o'clock, all saw them. Yeah. So you know what I mean? And they've still got to go in and just think of something. Yeah.

No, no. And how about? Yeah. He didn't. He didn't do it. Yeah. But no, he did it. No, no.

He was possessed. Yeah, yeah. His dog told him to do it. Is that out? Is that all that? Is that how old told him to do it? Yeah. Would you be a good defence lawyer, do you think?

If it was my brother, it was my friend, yeah. What if Ed got in trouble for sending a nail to attack a cabin? Oh, I could get him off from that. Yeah. Easy. Yeah. Even if I filmed it and put it on my YouTube channel.

Easy. Easy. We would play it in court. We'd play it in court. we play it. And I still get out. Yeah, that was the defence. And the beginning of the tape is literally me

looking right into the camera on the aisle going, going to go and attack a Karen now. And then I let it go and it attacks the Karen who sat there in the court with all scratches on her face. And you, as my defence lawyer, are going to get me off because I put a video out saying top five Karen's being attacked by owls. No, because what we're going to do, what we're going to do

is we're going to, because obviously the bit that went viral is yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's horrible, obviously. Yeah. But what people didn't see is the Karen, beating a Karen. Yes, of course. So we just put the first five minutes,

like five minutes prior to her being done in by the owl. Yeah. We just show what she was doing. Everyone's going to go. Yeah. And it's going to be long. And we'll just show the whole five minutes or not even getting into character to, like,

throw herself on a bonnet and cry. Yeah. And midway through the video, everyone's going to be thinking, I can't wait for her to get hit by this owl. And there's a reason the video has gone viral, right? They'll love it in the court. They'll all be applauding and stuff.

And then, there you go, Your Honor. Yeah. Instant calmer. Yeah. Boom. Al comes in. Far, far, far. Two-piece combo.

Yeah. She's none the wiser at first. Then she tries to fight back. Which then, we can now say that Al had to use more force because she was Peter Griffin. Yeah. Not guilty. Let him go. Yeah.

I don't know. I pretended to be YouTube as once. before we started doing off-menu. I was going to say this is on YouTube. Yeah, technically YouTube is... Well, YouTube is now. We finally got it years and years. But like, before we did off-menu,

we were going to do a funny YouTube thing where we were going to pretend to be, you know, the people who watch, like, TV shows and have fan theories about it. We were going to be fan theorists called Ed Gamble and Jamie. And we filmed a load at

Ed's house in one go. But then neither of us knew how to edit it, so we just never put it online. But I remembered one of them this week because my mum came over and she'd never seen Westworld before. And I was resting up, I couldn't talk. So I was like, we'll just watch something. I knew she'd like season one of Westworld. I've never seen it. So I put it on.

And then I remembered, oh yeah, me and Edited that Ed Gamble and Jamie thing, where we talked to the camera. And we had a theory about Westworld that when Ben Barnes gets, this is a spoiler, but Ben Barnes gets put naked on a horse and they slap the, and the person doing it to him slaps the horse's butt and Ben Barnes just goes off

into Westworld, just never to be seen again. And we had a fan theory that Ben Barnes fucks the horse and that's our Mr. Tundas is born. In Nadia and it's just and it's just as it's just as when you, when you tell me?

And their whole video was I can't believe we never released this. This would have been... We had very different careers now. We had caps on... We had caps on... We had caps on this. And we were going like,

it's our Gabbler, Jamie. And we're like, Ben Barnes fucked that horse. And we kept on saying, like... There's no way. The amount of times we kept saying, like, Ben Barnes fight that horse.

Yeah. All the time. We did one for stranger things as well. That's how long ago... Did it strange things were about the upside down. We can't remember what that one is. But the Westworld one was the one...

Yeah, we'd be very different, you know, probably wouldn't be sad. here now. Well, I'm glad you didn't put it out. Because we would have

been like Mr. Beast, Mr. and Mr. Beast. Because that would have taken off and then now you're like. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, everyone's going to be like, say the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'll get popped on. Fuck that horse.

Benbbaugh. Yeah. Gamble? Yeah. Ed Gamble and Jamie. That is a great last name. It's a good one.

I'm happy with it. I don't know if I could have a doctor. Called Dr. Gamble. Yeah. No, yeah. It's not a good name,

Yeah, yeah. Lawyer, same thing. You don't want, you get me. You want any, you want certainty with those. Certainty. Yeah. I would have to change my name if I was a doctor or a lawyer. 100% or go with the middle one.

Stevenson, which does sound like a certain way. Lovely. Gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Your dream dessert. Oh, yeah. Who's hungry?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, one of you is hungry. Me. Oh, yeah. My time is going. You didn't eat breakfast. Yeah, I had some rice Krispies and bananas.

together. One go. Yeah, I'll like, not in the same bowl. No, no. I ate a couple of bananas and then had a big bowl of ice crisps. Spoon and banana. I still eat rice crisps. I love ice crispy so much.

41. Yeah, I'm 40. Don't age me. I'm 41 in a month and nine days. When's this is coming out, Alito? I'm 41 when this goes out. Okay, fine. Well, when this goes out, who knows, I might have got over my rice crispy face.

I had cereal for the first time, and eat. just the other day. Yeah? What'd you have? It was a protein suit. I'm trying to... Yeah. Yeah.

Which one? I mean, it's called surreal. Surreal, yeah, yeah. You're either going surreal or Grandma Crunch. Those are the two... The Grands are the two... Bodybuilder cereal is out there. Grandma Crunch.

It's funny, man. I keep derailing this whole show. Sorry. It's okay. It's okay. My dream dessert... Yeah. It's not a barely a dream.

But to be honest, it's the only one that I... like that when I'm out is a sticky toff. Sticky tough. Sticky toffee pudding. Yeah, yeah. So you're not much of a dessert guy. I feel like that makes me a connoisseur of desserts.

Go on. Because it's like the rest of them are a bit faffy. I'm there now. It's the end of the mill. Yeah. My stomach is going nuts. Yeah, you're hungry, brother. And you do a podcast like eating food.

Yeah. Also, it's just self-harm. Here's what's really bad. After we said earlier, I need a we now. Is it? And I know he's going to get annoyed. It's desserts. It's the end now, so hold it.

But I thought I could get in. Piss. Yeah, well, that would be funny from what we talked about the beginning. If you piss yourself, it was going to be funny. But I got that type of trousers. We've got another guest after this. No, I've got to go to a gig.

Yeah, look, just hold it in. Yeah, so. Jesus, okay. Go on. I feel like, ice cream on a sticky toffee pudding. Yeah. Add another level of, like, danger. Yeah.

Vanilla? Got it got to get that quick. Vanilla ice cream? Yeah, it has to be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Nothing too. Because then it just turns into custard on top, basically, isn't it? Yeah, and then it's just all nasty. Yeah. I feel like the rest of them are a bit too faffy. Do you know what I mean? They're just, arguably, it's just lots of versions of cream.

James? What have you got to say about this? All the desserts. All the desserts of the versions of cream. I would absolutely rip Kogi apart for this, but I need to piss so badly that I'll just say, yeah. You're right. No, I'm not doing. Everything's just a version of cream.

Yeah. The world to me right now is even cream. more piss. That's all I can really think about. So, yeah. This is the way to stop James getting angry on the podcast is make sure he was ill before and lost his voice so he can't shout

Poppernums of bread and his bladder full of piss. It's full of piss, and if I shouted or got angry, it would just all erupt out of me and that would be a meal. Huh? You said you're going for a meal. Going to hoppers. Oh, nice.

What's that unbelievable? I'm not invited. I'm not invited. Well, because you're not coming to the gig I'm going to. Yeah, and I found out about this gig, and I wish I was invited to that. But you know, you like Cameron Winter? I do. Since when? I enjoyed the album, I told you.

You didn't like Kevin Winter. I was just like that. I know. I'm by the phone code. You know what? You've been to see? Yeah, days turn into months. Months start into years.

Well, sticky toffee pudding is a delicious way to end it, and it's the only dessert that is not a version of cream. Yeah, I think so. What's tiramisu, really? That's cream. Coffee cream. Right then. I mean, yeah, it's unfair to pick that one, but yeah.

It would just cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It were just cream in different solid states. Yeah. Yeah, to be fair. Trifle, tri-full, that's cream, cream, bottle cream, isn't it? Today, I had to choose. It's the orange, you're in.

No, it's all right. No, focus, laser in. Yeah, today I had to choose my meal for a wedding I'm going to next year. What are you? Yeah, no, him. I got through him and kept me. I had to choose dessert, and it was between sticky toffee pudding and a cheesecake.

And you made the right choice, right? I chose the cheesecake because the groom, when he was at the tasting, dessert, tasting thing, it texts me going, this is the most incredible dessert I've ever had. And I felt like, if I don't choose it, he's going to think that I don't respect his opinion. Cheesecake is basically just cream. Yeah, that's true. Maybe. Cream with a base.

What are you going to do if you get there, and when he said, cheesecake, he means like at weddings when it's just like piles of cheese and they arrange it like a cake. So you've chosen the cheese course essentially. What are you going to do? Like a shark tree board. Yeah.

Well, it's his day. So I've just got to be all right with that. I've got to pretend that I like it and that it's okay. Yeah. But I will be angry. Yeah. I'll carry that resentment out of the wedding into our friendship moving forward.

Yeah. As you should. Yeah. And you've got to like just, yeah, make sure anytime you invite him somewhere, his plate is different from everyone else's, yeah. Yeah, he'll have a breadboard. Make sure you need a piss.

Because then you can't shout him. Yeah, I'll have to make sure the whole wedding I need a piss. Yeah, that's on my best behaviour. Yeah, yeah. It works. If it works, it works. Tony Blair used to make sure he needed a piss before every speech. Is it?

He made sure. Yeah, he would drink loads so that he needed to piss. And then it meant that he focused in the speech. That's what he said. He really focused. Is that why he moved to six? hands around so much. Yeah, yeah.

Because he's like so desperate for a piss. You know when you need a piss and you can feel it in your fingers and your teeth. Yeah. I don't know. You know that? I don't remember a Prime Minister before Tony Blair. Yeah, I remember one.

I know them from like history books. Oh yeah. How old are you? 31 now. Yeah. Yeah, I guess Blair would be the OG for you. Yeah. I can remember.

I'm lying. I'm 32. I'm going to be 33 next year. When this goes out? I'm 33 when this goes out Do you eat Rice Krispies? No No

Because there's kids on the box They're delicious What? Stop, Cup and Cuffin and Pop aren't kids Of course they are What are they? They're like pixies or something

No They get to an age Where you can't eat something With the kids on the box They're like little wood imps Like wood elves or something I think they're maximum 14 Max

Yeah They're wood elves They're not wood elves. Even in the grand scheme of their year, let's say if they live longer than the average human being. I still feel in the portion of life that they was on that box. Yeah, because they're not, they might be older now. Yeah.

But when they did the photo shoot for the box. Yeah, when they did that, they was teens. Yeah. It tastes delicious either way. So it's not exactly like a kid's, like I'd say like Coco Pop's as a kids. It's because there's a sensory element to it that makes it childish. Yeah. What?

The snap, the crackle and the pot. Well, that was the thing actually. My mum was staying over and watching Westworld. I got myself a big bowl of Rice Krispies. All you can hear is you... And I walked in the living room and she hadn't been around a bowl of Rice Krispies for ages because she hadn't, you know...

And her face lit up and she went, they still make the noise. And I was like, what did you think that? That it doesn't make the noise anymore. And she was like, listen to it. It's still making the noise. And I was like, Mom, it's like a natural phenomenon. It's not something that they put into it.

It's a natural phenomenon. Well, you think they just found them on the floor one day and went those make noise, put them in a box? Well, they just discovered that when you put milk on them... They snap and they... They didn't go, let's make it snap crackling pop, let's take out the snapcrackling pop. I see what you mean now by natural phenomenon.

That's nice for your mum, because, you know, a lot of things change in the world, right? And it's nice to know that when you get older, there are some things you can rely on, like snapcrackle and pop. That's lovely. Yeah, it was pitiful how much her face lit up. A video menu now. See how you feel about it.

You would like, oh, you would like still water but also a sorrel and ginger. You would like Turkish bread from Gokuzu. Yeah. Starter, you'd like Oxtell Cricot from Smokestack and a Paloma. That's actually good. And a chibab and a plantain. Thank you.

Main course, whole grilled tilapia, stuffed with vegetables, garlic, scotch bonnet, herbs, etc. Vibes. Vibes. Side dish, surf, roast, potatoes, from Ireland. Drink, plum, wine and tonic, dessert, sticky toffee pudding

with vanilla ice cream. How do you feel about that? I think that sounds brilliant. That is a really good menu, I think. That sounds good, that sounds like, now, please. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Now, please. Now please. Obviously, I forgot to mention that, you know, everyone's running past you on the beach and all that stuff, isn't it? Everyone's running past, thunder, lightning, Montoya. Yeah.

Montoya. It's a proper, like, good, check it out. Yeah. It's so good. I can play it to you off cam. Okay, we'll watch it off. We'll watch it off camp.

Yeah, but not before James has gone for a pest. I don't need one anymore. Yeah. You're just suddenly subsides like that. Is it just soaked back into your body? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I think maybe like talk about Rice Krispies or something to sort it out. Yeah.

Put you in a happy place. Zen. Yeah, kind of just like, I'm kind of chilled out again now. I'm all right. Cogey, thank you very much for coming to the Dream restaurant. No worries. Thank you for having me. There we are.

A great chat with Koji. Lots of food chat, but mainly chat about a Spanish reality television show, James. I love having TV shows described to me that I've not seen by someone who absolutely loves the show. He loves the show. Really great stuff. It took us ages to get to the heart of what he was talking about.

Sure, I was confused. Yeah, I've, you know, obviously as soon as we finished recording, Yeah. We watched the clip and it is amazing. It's a fantastic clip and I'm sure if you haven't already watched it. Yeah. Just watch it now. Yeah, yeah.

It's really good. It is worth it. And Koji didn't say tin potatoes, of course. So we can promote his gig at the Royal Albert Hall again on the 20th May. Yes. Do go and see that. He is brilliant. Absolutely fantastic.

Listen to all of his music. Watch Taskmaster New Year's treat. Yeah, why not? Watch this on YouTube, of course. Yes. Benitos sneakly filmed it. and put it on YouTube if you don't watch it

and he gets sad so watch it there he always he secretly films it he's got like little little cameras everywhere yeah he films through meta glasses as well

yeah to go on YouTube you have to look up Benito's grubby little perv shots oh that's what it's cool that's what you have to Google I'm afraid yeah search that on YouTube

Benito's grubby little perv shots yes if it doesn't come up second try does off my new podcast yeah I'll tell you what Benito I'm not setting foot in your bunker

no captured from every angle he doesn't want a bunker he says you just want to have the flesh flayed from your bones stop saying that phrase who doesn't want to give me in a a normal bunker if there's a nuclear if there's nuclear explosion stop saying to people you want to have the flesh

flayed for flesh the flesh flesh the flesh the flesh slayed the flesh slayed oh my goodness flesh

flayed from your bones. Stop saying that to people. I don't know how you're even doing it, to be honest. Thanks for listening. We'll be back again. Bye. Bye. Hey, I'm Alison Spittle. And I'm Fern Brady, and you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu.

I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand. and a mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the topic of our new podcast.

Ignore that feeling. A show by two ex-Catholic girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday starting Tuesday the 10th of February.

So please listen and subscribe.