Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Lucia Keskin (Chi With A C)

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

Bafta-winning comedian, actor and internet sensation Lucia Keskin – aka Chi with a C – is this week’s dream diner. And is this the quietest guest we’ve ever had?Series 2 of Lucia’s sitcom ��Things You Should Have Done’ is coming soon to BBC Three and iPlayer. Watch Series 1 here.Follow Lucia on YouTube, Instagram and TikTok @chiwithacWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 30 OctOff Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the all-brand of conversation, putting it in the bowl of the internet and pouring over the ice-cold milk of humour. James, you look really sad about that one. Is the off-meny podcast, by the way? Are you all right, mate? It's a bowl of cereal. It's a bowl of cereal. I panicked. I didn't know. But at least it makes sense. Sometimes I panic. It doesn't make any sense or it gets too complicated.

Yeah. Are you definitely not done it before? No, they're not done all-Brand. Are you in an All-Brand phase at the minute? Is that what you're eating at home? No, I'm never really in an all-bran phase. But I do like the idea of ice-cold milk being poured onto All-Brand. I want to eat it. Yeah, yeah. All-Brand's disgusting. Yes. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Haycaste. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week, we invite in a guest. We ask them their favorite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, I guess is Lucia Keskin. Lou Chea is absolutely brilliant.

You might know her from her Instagram presence, Chi with the Sea. She's very, very funny on that. I would highly recommend looking up a video, which is not like her normal videos, but she went to one of those indoor skydiving experiences, and it went wrong, and it's probably the thing that's made me laugh the most in the last 10 years.

She's also a brilliant actor and writer and comic, and she has an amazing show, which is available on a BBC High Player called Things You Should Have Done. which is absolutely brilliant. Yeah, I mean, very excited. Never met Lucia before. Big fan of her stuff. I can't wait for you to meet her.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're sure you've never met before? Because we've had this before, haven't we, James, where you've said you never met someone before, and you say, on the podcast, you never met them before, and then they say, yes, we have met before. And it turns out that you have met,

and there was an incident when you met, and you've just wiped it from your brain. I can't be keeping out with all the incidents. Yeah. There's too many incidents. You're an incident magnet. Yeah, and I can't help that. And often it's, you know.

No, I think you can't help that the original incident, but I think the way you react to every incident creates more of an incident. You're quite Larry David. Yeah, I don't mask my feelings very well. Because sometimes I, like, when I'm watching Curb, I'm like, I can't believe all this stuff's happening to Larry, and I'm annoyed with the other people for what they do. Yes.

But then he never reacts to it right. And I think that's you. Yeah, if someone starts a fire, I tend to fan the flames, I guess. And the flames, yeah, yeah. Don't really put it out or... Yeah. Yeah. I would never use the phrase water off a duck's back

to describe anything that you've ever done. No. No. No. I don't know what water on a man's back. The man complains about having a wet back. Yeah. Yeah.

It's really angry about having a wet back. Yeah. Yeah. But we're looking forward to talking to Lucia. Of course, there is a secret ingredient that if she says it, we will kick her out the restaurant. And I thought this, this week, James, it would be, you know, when you get a bit of fake grass in sushi, in a sushi box,

they use it to separate out the sushi bits. Yeah. Sure, I've had that in my mouth before by accident. Fake sushi grass. Fake sushi grass, yeah. Yeah. I mean, is it a technically ingredient? I've accidentally eaten it once, so yes.

And it's food adjacent. It's food, what, literally. Yeah, it's literally food adjacent. It's in the box. Yeah. You're never happy to see it. No, it's not the same color as the seaweed that's wrapping the sushi. Yeah.

You know, it's blending in a little. little bit, isn't it? So it's like they're tricking you. Yeah, I don't really get, I don't think of fish. I don't think of grass. That's a really good point. Yeah. Makes it fake water. Fish shouldn't be anywhere near grass, should it?

Fake water, I don't expect. Yeah. Looking forward to speaking to Lucia, I hope she doesn't say the secret ingredient because I once have the whole conversation with her, James. Yes, that would be nice, but let's see what happens. As we dive into the off-menu menu,

Lucia Keskin. That was good, James. Thank you. Thank you. Well, well done, you, man. Welcome, Lucia to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, Lucia, Kestkin, to the Dream Restaurant.

We're spending for some time. How long? 23 years? Wow. That's good. So you get that right? Yeah. That's my age, yeah.

Imagine if we've been waiting here since you were born, It would be so boring, wouldn't it? It'd be weird as well if we were like, we want to do a podcast with that baby that's just been born, but we should wait for 23 years. That's how we do it. Yeah. We go around the hospitals and maternity wards, and we go that one. Yeah.

We're expecting them. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. See one of the chosen babies. Welcome. Thank you. We were actually waiting for about an hour, but you were here bang on time, but we had a bit of time. And we let you know that we'd play Jenga.

Yeah, Jenga. Yeah. I'm waiting for you. And you revealed that you weren't familiar with big jenga? No, well, I mean, it didn't take long to, you know, get it around my head. But I'd just not, I'd just not played either. But it sounds fun. Yeah.

I remember I have fond memories of big jenga. It's less tense than normal-sized jenga, I would say. Do you have to wear any pads? Interesting. For the big one. I think if you're playing it often, you should do. Well, if you're making a habit of it. How high does it go?

I'd say it comes up maybe. chest height if you're stood up. Is it soft play or? It's more soft play because when you said knee pads I was worrying that you were imagining big hard wooden

yeah like big blanks yeah so I mean if you think you know it needs to be realistic yeah it should be wooden really but I guess you're asking for trouble if that falls on you I love tiny things

yeah don't you I'd like to see a miniature jenga I love tiny tiny tiny tiny things can you talk through some of the tiny things you like um just tiny versions of things like um things you can do with your fingers

so the other day i bought this um set of it was like a tiramisu but it was just tiny do you get what i mean no so like it was like a little model of a tiramisu yeah you um you put the the base you fill it up with the cream and then there's a tiny spoon it's a tiny It's not edible but it's just lovely But you are filling it up with the cream Yeah but it's like What's that stuff?

Resin Right, okay So you're making a little It's not horrible What What Why were you doing it What's the

I just love tiny things Yeah So I think she's been very clear That's clear What's the purpose of it When people are So you can just buy

A tiny Turamisu Well, it was sort of a tiny make your own food But I mean, I agree Once you've made it I didn't really have anything Couldn't eat it, I threw it away You threw it away? Eventually, yeah

It wasn't a display It wasn't something you can display It didn't even look like a tiramisu in the end It was white and had raspberries on top of it Yeah, that's not a tiramisu No That's what I thought Was it like a, did it like a workshop

Of make your own tiny food? Just found it in the kids section in Sainsbury Yeah And just the tiramesee it wasn't like Well I've got another one but It's one of them You have to open it. You don't know what you're going to get to make.

A blind box. Yeah. So I don't know what the other one is. I've not done that one yet. Yeah. So what do you like about tiny things? What is it that makes you see? I like, well, when they're detailed, they have to be detailed.

If it's, you know, not got the, I just love it. It makes me feel massive. Yeah. I just love it. So, like, when you were a kid, were you into, like, Sylvania families or, like, little, like, dull furniture and all of that stuff? Weirdly, not doll houses. Yeah.

But I loved small, I loved to collect figurines. Yeah. So like, puppy in my pocket, pony in my pocket. Yeah. Kitten in my pocket. Yeah. I don't even aware of it. How many pockets did you have?

Not enough. But I used to, you know, trade them around the playground, getting a lot of arguments. Really? Oh. So in terms of people being like, I'm not swapping you that for that? Well, no, it was more sort of. You know, I'll trade you this kangaroo for a panda and then getting the regret later on and, you know, saying, well, I want to try to swap back. I tried to swap back and it's just not going well.

That's the big one. And then then just, it ultimately ending and just the banning of them in school. Yeah. Oh, really? Because it got so toxic. Yeah, it was so toxic. It's always heading towards that. It was pogs in my day.

Pogs? Yeah. Do you want Pogs, sir? No. Like a pig? Like a pig Hugely respect That there was a moment there

Where you thought I might try and guess What a Pog is Yeah It sounds like a baby pig Yeah A pig in your pocket Yeah

Pug Yeah you wish No it wasn't a tiny Animal in anyway No They were They were Plastic discs

And you got them Actually were they paper It might be cardboard But the one you used Was plastic right You put them in a pile And you have to throw A plastic disc on top

And try and flip them over if you flip them over, you win them. They didn't have faces. They didn't have, well, some of them have faces. Stuff designs on them. Yeah. So you collect them? Did you ever used to have them tiny skateboards?

Yes. Oh, they were great. I'm familiar with those, though. I mean, that's absolutely. Little finger skateboards. That's playing into your absolute poppies, isn't it? Exactly. Yeah.

Tiny stuff. Did you put like the tiny kangaroo on the tiny skateboard and stuff like that? I don't think I ever merged the two because I think I could only have one at the time. Like if I had skateboards, I'd have traded away all my. my pony animal in my pockets. Yeah. Whereas if I had that, I wouldn't have had time

for the skateboards as well. So you never had both? Not at the same time, no. It would be like maybe a slight crossover of I'm moving into tiny to skateboards. But it was never a, I'm going to have a day of, you know,

finger skating today or juggle my pocket tomorrow. And you would have the regret. You would swap with someone have the regret and try and get your stuff back. Well, yeah. Can we hear what that would sound like? If I was to say, Ed,

Ed's traded with you earlier in the day. Yeah. And now it's like lunch break. Yeah. So you've given away your kangaroo and I've given you a tiny cow or something. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say, do you think I could maybe have the kangaroo back?

No, we swapped it earlier. I gave you my tiny cow. Well, it's just it was mine first. Yeah, but we had an agreement. It was the traditional barter, you know, that we swapped. And now the kangaroo's mine and the cow's yours. I just feel very sad now. It doesn't feel as toxic as you made it out.

I think it was, you know, I'm going to have to take this further. And then you'd physically attack them. Would you then go to the teacher and tell them the person, be like, they won't give them my kangaroo? I think it would be, I'd go home and I'd say, mom, or I'd go home and I wouldn't talk. I'd be crying, you know, for days. My mom would say, what is it?

You're being bullied. And I'd have to say, you know, it's just this kangaroo. Yeah. It's not my, it's not. here. I used to get very attached to objects when they weren't if they weren't missing or if they weren't, you know, within my family. I had no

siblings. Or dad. So you'd attack almost the kangaroo would be things like that, yeah. It would be, even like, you know, bouncy balls. If I'd, you know, lose it, I'd get very upset. Yeah. I thought everything

had feelings. Obviously you thought the bouncy ball might have feelings. You'd just, you know, you'd just you'd open your heart to too many things yeah yeah i mean i get that i mean my wife now she'll buy like a biscuit with like a lovely design on it of like a cat's face or something and i go don't do that because you're never going to eat it it's going to sit in the cupboard until eventually i think you've forgotten about it and then i'll throw it away yeah i've got one of them yeah it was someone from geordie shaw's face on it

i don't know who but i can't eat it as if it was cruel but you don't even know which car member of Geordie Shaw. I think it's, uh, Nathan. No. Yeah. But I just feel scrawled, doesn't it? Well, can you buy these in shops?

I think I got it somewhere. My friend went to an event and I went for the goodie bag and I got this cookie, but um... Can't bring yourself to eat it? I didn't bring myself to eat it. No. And you still got it?

Yeah. Found it the other day. What if? And this will probably happen at some point. Someone makes you a biscuit or a cake who's got your face on it. Oh, that's fine. I can have that.

Yeah. It's not affecting anyone else, is it? Yeah, yeah. And I give, you know, permission for other people. Oh, so you're waiting for Nathan from Georgia Shore to grant you as permission? Yeah. Yeah. If he's listening.

But I didn't want to say anything. Yeah. Well, it's a good platform for you. Yeah. Do you want to say a message to him now? Could you? Well, it's better coming from you. Yeah.

Because you're on the biscuit and you'd like to eat it. Yeah, I just if, I mean, I can, I can, I think. The trouble is, I'm not, I can find other biscuits, so that's the issue. Like, I'm not desperate to eat the biscuit. I'm not desperate, like, I could just, so I'm happy with how it is. Yeah, you quite like, I don't mind, you know, not making a statement to him. Yeah. You know?

We always start with still a sparkling water. Do you have a preference? Oh, still. Yeah. But I have learnt to like sparkling. Yeah. You taught yourself, you've actively, actively had to teach yourself to. Just because everyone sort of in entertainment drinks sparkling, well, they only have

sparkling water. A lot of middle-aged men in their, you know, cupboards or mini-fridges, it's just sparkling water, so you have to drink it. Well, there's nothing else. I don't feel like... Have you not had that? Well, I think that I work in entertainment. But I've never seen these mini-friges of sparkling water that it was talking about.

We very rarely get access to a middle-aged man's mini-fridge. But I guess, like... Times have changed, you know. Yeah. You're a YouTube sensation and have a hit-sick. So maybe that's different now. You're getting access to different rooms. I mean, it's probably one middle-aged man that I just repetitively see.

So you've been forced to drink sparkling water out of necessity. And just people that I've met in TV do seem to have a, you know, accustomed to sparkling water. It's always a baller move when you're at lunch with someone and they go straight in with sparkling. Yeah, like I won't shut someone down and say, if I'm with someone and they say still a sparkling, I'll let them. say and I'll go with either. Not too, you know, pressures about it. But I do prefer still if I am, you know, gasping. You were saying before we started recording as well

that you think this is the first time you've ever agreed to a hot drink? Yeah. In your life. Well, not to, you know, not with a relative. I've agreed to plenty of them. Yeah. But, you know, in the entertainment child.

So Benito offered it to you, who's not a relative for the record? Yeah, and I just thought, it's not you know you don't you're not gonna think anything bad of me are you but you know no one would no it's just it just don't want to you know take the piss yeah so normally when people go you know like when you're doing something can i get you anything honestly you sit back i'm fine yeah usually yeah but in your head you're thinking i want a tea so badly i'm starving yeah yeah but how is this tea it's lovely it's lovely

It's really nice, actually. It's like, it's lovely to, you know, experience doing this with you guys. Oh, yeah? Yeah, with tea. Yeah, lovely. Pop-dums or bread? Pop-d-d-a-bred, do you head-kaskin. Pop-doms or bread?

Oh, both. I've never ordered just one of you. Yeah. Oh. But they kind of just... Because I like both. But, I mean, I feel like bread fills you up more. Yeah.

Pop-a-doms, I could just keep going. So I usually get a bit of bread and then... the, you know, sheets of popadoms. When you say sheets? Well, they're always in sheets, aren't they? You don't get mini popadoms in nowadays unless you're in a supermarket. But I would never say sheets.

No? No. I think that's what's throwing me as sheets because they are round. Yeah. Still sheets, there, aren't they? You get sheets of round. Are they, though?

Do you get sheets of round? I've got sheets of round. You've got sheets of round. So, for instance, on your bed at home, is you've got a round sheet. That's a blanket. Yeah, it's still a she, isn't it? No.

Anything that's large and thin is a sheet. Well, come on. True at all. Do you not think? No. No. You know, I don't think you believe that. I do.

You get sheets of everything. You get lots of, you know, types of sheets. Talk us through them. Sheets of people. A large and thin person. Tall and thin. Yeah. Stephen Merchant, would you say he's a sheet of a man?

Yeah. And if you got, you know, Stephen Merchant, with another tall person that's a that's a sheet of people isn't it oh that's so they individually are not sheets that it has it's a collective they're not a shit I suppose I can't say it's a shit of a person well I think you can have it collectively and you can also get

just just not even just people just thin you know slices slices it's a sheet isn't it well I can see if it was being like with smoked salmon It's a slice of salmon A sheet of salmon I can say that Yeah I can

Cheater salmon I can I'm fine with that You would say sheet of ham Would you Yeah You would Yeah

I think it's a circular thing That's throwing us off Yeah You don't like circular things As a sheet No we like circular things You just like squares No no no

We like For sheets Yeah For sheets yeah I wouldn't have On my bed I wouldn't have a round sheet But then we're back

To the whole thing Of you saying That a blanket's a sheet Yeah Which I do disagree with not as a blanket. I suppose so. So if someone was making you a ham sandwich,

Mm-hmm. How many sheets would you have? Yeah, would you say two sheets, please? Yeah. Yeah. But how would they know if you're referring to the ham or the bread? Because you're saying bread's sheets as well. I'd say two sheets of ham, two sheets of bread.

I think, my bread is too thick, but I think the sheets of ham. Yeah, I mean, bread is pushing it a bit. I think you're right. But it's still thin in comparison to, let's say, a fridge. Yeah, bread is thin. in comparison to a fridge. Yeah, something like that.

You'd never say a sheet of fridge. You'd never see a fridge. No, you'd never have a sheet of fridge. But I think sheet of ham is right. I think that even might be technically right. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Slice is what most people say.

It's just like a different word for it, isn't it? But a sheet of popadom. See, I saw a doubt flickering your eyes there where you heard sheet of popadom and you went, actually. That's not right. No, it sounds, I think it sounds right. I was just thinking about how they come I mean we could for your dream meal

if you want it to truly be a sheet we could bring you one the size of like a bed sheet or like a bed sheet Popatom yeah yeah yeah we could do that I mean I'm not massive on Papa Dom's no I don't really like them I just you know if I'm having Indian

I will get them as well as bread a couple of sheets and you'll have none yeah is this what you want for this meal none not particularly but I you know I would get both if I had to choose. But for the dream meal, we will

bring you a couple of sheets of Popatoms. Lovely. But what bread do you want with your dream meal? What's your dream bread? I love garlic bread, but sometimes it's just a bit too much. Garlic, you know, just like a tiger bread. Yeah. Any bread. I don't think you can go wrong with bread. I really enjoy all sorts.

I've never sort of said no to bread. Interesting. So it's the opposite of the hot drink. Well, no one's ever really offered me bread on set no okay can you go yeah

I get you some bread yeah I think if I don't think I would be able to say I mean I probably

would say no you you know you get that you enjoy it yourself but no no one's ever

offered me bread love the idea of a runner working on your show like you want some bread

some loaves you go no no no you enjoy it yourself and they're like having to eat bread for the 50th time

that day crying in the corner yeah she keeps playing by you always that

It's horrible Swapping a small kangaroo Yeah I'm not keen on rye Is that the one Yeah Like a darker sort of bread Yeah whole meal

I'm not keen on whole meal But I mean again I would If there was nothing else I would eat it But this I mean this is a podcast format Where we're going to have to force you

To advocate for yourself And say exactly what you want Yeah Well I mean I think probably of all the breads Garlic bread's probably the one pick Yeah Now let's get into the nisikriti garlic bread wise Okay

A long baguette like you might get from the supermarket? No, absolutely not. No, it has to be... Well, I mean, again, I would have it, but it's not what I'd choose at all, a long baguette. Because you can get them... I mean, some of them, you find them for 20 pence.

I don't want garlic bread that costs 20 pence. No. Don't trust it. It's more so the fact that I wouldn't trust the one that's then £1.60, that's the same. Oh, interesting. So it's the other way around. you think you're actually being ripped off.

Yeah, what are you doing that's different? Yeah. What on earth are you doing that's different to both of these baguettes? But that stopped you getting the 20 pence one. No, I won't get either. We all just saying pence now. I don't like the baguettes. I think we can say pence.

I mean, the sheets thing was worth discussing. I think pence. I know that pence is the, but like, I haven't heard anyone say it in full for years. It's going to 20 p p. You're both saying 20 pence. 20 pence. Well, I was just going with what she was saying. Yes.

But also I understood that Pence is fine. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's fine, but it's crazy to me. What would you say? Like, pee? 20p. That would sound like to me. 20p bread.

20p bread is 20 pence. That garlic bread is 20 pence. It's too youthful. So what's the dream garlic bread then? Is it like? I think chabata. Yeah. It always goes down well because it's just a nice sort of texture.

It's round. How much you're spending on that? It's usually quite expensive. But, you know, I don't mind. because they don't give you hundreds. They don't give you loads, whereas the baguette is just slice after slice after slice. It is, and quite often in the supermarket, they sell two in one packet. Yeah, and I can't.

One's going off. Yeah. Sat there next to the Nathan Biscuit. Exactly. And then everything just smells of garlic. Is that why you haven't eaten the Nathan Biscuit? Well, I've not put in with the garlic bread. But I just can't get on board with the baguettes of garlic bread.

is this from a particular when they're sort of you know like that cut that way do you know what I mean you know and they cut sort of like that actually I don't so for the listener oh yeah sorry you put your fingers together in a circle and you held them I guess parallel to the floor and you went I don't like them like this and then you went vertical with it and went I like them like that it's the same shape but you've got like I suppose they cut I don't know how they cut them differently

I suppose a baguette they cut from the height They cut it in the height levels. A good garlic bread baguette, I'd say, is diagonally. Yes, sorry, diagonally. And not all the way down. That's what I meant diagonal. That's what I like. I've ever seen a garlic bread cut diagonally.

Not like fully like one corner to the end. It's like the corners are sort of like a tapper edge. pizza hot garlic bread from the buffet yeah from the buffet yeah that's really good actually your dream starter I don't like starters

cool because I just get full up yeah we don't need a bobble with them no I don't think we do need to do like starters yeah they're my favourite what do you get

well it depends what's on offer oh nice give a better out of than that yeah well you know there's many things you can get for starters. It's true. You've seen them.

It's not like you don't know what they are. I've had them before in the past. Yeah. But they just never... Only if I'm starving. Yeah. But then I'll just won't eat my main. Really?

Yeah. I'll eat a bit and then I go, I'm full up because I've had a starter. Wow. How big is this starter? Just little. You've filled up on that? Well, I mean...

You like small things. You should love a starter. Yeah, I love... Yeah, they're not often small, are they? They're not, you know, they're not small versions of food. They're just less portion... They're just less.

things of it. But this is the dream restaurant. Yeah. So in the dream restaurant, I'd get, you know, a tiny, a tiny, no, like two,

two pound size of, two quid. Yeah, but put together, I'm trying to think of a, there's no coin that's that size. You got what I mean? Like,

if you, if you blended two pound coins. Oh, you want two pound coins, it's not a two pound coin. You know two pound coins? Yeah, two pound coins,

yeah. So are you talking about two, one pound coins? No, no, no. You know two pound coins? Yeah, the bigger ones. Two of them. Two, two pound coins.

Yeah. But if they were together, like, say, what size, if they'd say like something that size. Yeah. So I guess a four pound coin. If you can picture it, like if they existed, they'd probably be around that side. One day.

So that size is small enough. That would be a great size starter of, say, maybe pasta. Four pounds worth of a pasta? Hang on. Four pound coin, not weight. In a, in like a bowl? Yeah. Or a plate.

Yeah. But as long as it's like the size of a four pound coin. Yeah, if it's, you know, if it's in the dream wild. Yeah. Do you want it to look like a little bowl of pasta with like a tiny fork in it and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Tiny.

What sort of pasta? What sort of pasta? I don't think we need to know that. I'd want to know. Yeah. It will have to be a different pasta. To what? to what I'd have in my main.

So you have a pasta for you, right? Spoiler of that. Yeah, sorry. You're going to have... Could have anything, a small version of anything for your starter. Yeah. Only thing you can think of is pasta. So it's going to be a different type of pasta to your main.

Now... Yeah. We can come back to it then. Well, you can choose what your start a pasta is. Maybe like a tomato-based starter pasta. Yeah. Yeah. And like what kind of pasta.

pasta. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Tomato, tomato-based spaghetti. Little tiny meatballs? No meat. No meat? Just like... Basel? The tomatoes.

And, yeah, I love basil. I was thinking more of the impact of it being tiny because I think little meatballs on top really make it come alive when it's tiny, right? Yeah. I don't mind it. I just, I think it's just, when it's that small. Yeah. Why kill an animal? Well, I wasn't imagining.

But they killed it and then just took two meatballs worth and then just, like, threw it in the bin. Yeah, I suppose, yeah. Like you did with the tiramisu. Yeah. But they'd killed it like an animal in your pocket. That's all right. For the meatballs. Yeah.

Yeah. Can't trade that back? No. It'd be awful if you'd trade it. Oh, I'd feel awful. Yeah. They'd have a right to complain then, yeah, if you gave someone a... If they say, sorry, I can't swap it back because it's a little plate of meatballs now.

Is your dream main course? Pasta. I love pasta. That's sort of my main sort of meal. How often you're eating pasta? Four times, five times a week. Wow. I just can't think of anything else.

ever. I don't know how anyone does. In terms of food? Yeah. Meals. Yeah. It's so debilitating, thinking of a new meal every day. Yeah. So it's just pasta. And you can get it and it's dry. Mm-hmm.

It doesn't go off. Yeah. You just have to, you know, put it on the boil. So you're having this four or five times a week? Yeah. Have you thought about trying to maybe introduce one new meal into the rotation and then at least you're like... Well, I do different types of pasta. Yeah.

That's not what I meant, I don't think. You mean just like not pasta? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the issue is I don't, I don't, I'm not massive. I don't love meat. Mm. But I do eat chicken.

But I feel bad. So the only thing I can think of that's not meat is pasta. Because otherwise it's just, what else is there that's not meat? It's meat or pasta. All the other carbs, I guess. I've had, you know, chicken stuff. It's always pasta or chicken stuff. Like in a rap or in a chabata.

Yeah. You like those? Yeah. So when it came to choosing your dream menu, did you just do all the foods that you could actually think of? I think I just would go with pasta just because I do like it. Yeah. Like it's not even that I can think of it.

It's just what I like. And it's just a coincidence that I can't think of anything else. Yeah. Like what meals are you doing every day? Now listen, it's been well documented on this podcast that I went through a past of four nights a week phase. Oh, really? You know, so I can't. When you get stuck in a loop?

I can't make fun of you for this. So what have you had this week for dinner? Yeah, I'm away on tour, so I'm eating a lot of Nando's, to be honest. So I'm stuck in a Nando's loop. Oh, God. A Poke-Bole yesterday? Yeah, I can't do that. I've tried that.

Yeah. Don't understand? What, don't you understand? I just don't get it. There's too many things. happening. What is it? Like a long, flat peas. They throw them in, don't they? Long flat peas? Sheet of peas.

You know, they're like this, they're like, um, you know, they're like, like a pea plus size. Edomarame. And flat. Ed, yeah. Is that it? Yeah. Is that it? Yeah. That's what Ed calls his mum. Edomummy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I'm not into them, but they, when you have a pokey ball, that's all it is. And it's not, I mean, there is a lot going on in them, but you can, like, build your own, you can put in what you like. It's just rice, though, isn't it, rice? Some of it's rice. Them, then, then peas.

Yeah. Fish. And then, oh, see, fish. I hate fish. Right. Can't bear fish. Tofu. Tofu.

What's that? What? Tofu. Are you asking, because you haven't heard of it? I've never had it. You've never heard of it? I've heard of it. I don't know what it is.

I definitely didn't think it belonged in a pokey. at pokey bowl. What was interesting about your reaction to hearing about tofu? Was you said tofu, what's that? As if you'd never heard of it before. It was like you'd never heard of it. I've heard of it, but I'm still yet to know

what it is other than white chunks. Yeah. Yeah, well, it definitely is white chunks. What's the exact? Soy. Soy. What's soy? Like a bean?

Yeah. It's just like a bean. It's another bean, really. It's just a bean. I don't want it. Do you not like things mixed up? Yeah. But it depends what it is.

Yeah. Give me an example. Of other things in the polo bowl? Oh. Things that are mixed up. Oh. What, like, say, rice and then beans. A burrito?

I don't like burritos. I've tried them, but I just don't trust them as much as fajitas. Because why is there baked beans in them? Oh, that's not. No, I wouldn't say that. Oh, that's sauce. I wouldn't beans

Yeah Do you know what I genuinely think Some have in a very good time Yeah For this podcast Just anyone who's listening to it In the future

I honestly think This is a grower This episode And that if you relisten to it You'll enjoy it more Every time You're going to spot new bits You enjoy

So even if you're sitting there Are you getting frustrated with the three of us I think I think give it another listen yeah this is it's like

it's like any number of albums yeah you know trout mask replica yeah oh yeah so there's not

baked beans I would say in beans yeah I don't like and there's not sort of a room for the rap it's all just

it's tiny little tiny little layer of wrap and then just all filling a lot of filling so much in it they're very heavy when you get them

as well I can't even fit it in yeah You have to take too big of a bite. Yeah, it's just when you get, you know, cold sores and everything. Yeah. I'm eating burritos. You know, cracking the sides of your mouth.

Oh, wow. So you, when you get a burrito, are you trying to fit the whole thing in your mouth? How else are you supposed to take a bite out the side or the corner? Yeah, yeah. But you're not going, you're not trying to get the whole, no, no. Just because you said that you're cracking the sides of your mouth trying to eat a burrito. Just because they're so, like, tall. Yeah, they're tall.

They are tall. They're wrapped in sheep. though. Well, I like the tinfoil. I love food wrapped in tinfoil. Do you? Yeah. It just always tastes nice.

When you go to like five guys. Yeah. And you get a burger and it's wrapped in tinfoil. You just think, oh, it's going to be nicer because it's in tinfoil. So you never think of that when you're having your food. Well, I have that because it's just down the road. Five guys burger. It is exciting getting something in tinfoil.

Yeah. Because it's warm as well. Not enough. You don't get enough stuff in tinfoil. No. I don't want cling film, though. I don't like it. It's just not as, you know, appetising.

If you get a burger wrapped in cling film. Oh, forget it. This looks like a sandwich, doesn't it? Mm-hmm. When have you ever had a burger wrapped in cling film? I haven't. No. Please, yeah.

If I, yeah, I just prefer tinfoil. Yeah. But cling film's great for, you know, things that you've opened. Mm-hmm. You want to keep them, you know, sealed shut. Yeah, it is good for that. I wrapped people's presence in tinfoil sometimes. Yeah, just because if I'm in a panic and are in a rush.

Do you? I don't know that. You don't need any cellar tape, do you? No, exactly. I actually had a business idea, which we might need to edit out. Because it's really good. Yeah, I guarantee. I haven't heard this yet, but we don't need to edit the same. Like wrapping paper on the outside, but it's got, it's like tin foil on the inside. Oh, so you can use it for both the kitchen and...

You can wrap any present in it and just fold it over, tuck it in, and then you don't need to do cellar tape. And it also, it adheres to the present more, so you don't need to work out. Oh, so it's not for like both kitchen and... No, because it would have paper on the outside, so I wouldn't heat it up. It's mainly for wrapping. What's the... Why would it need to be tinfoil?

Because that's why it's so good at... You can, like, fold it over. Oh, bendable. And you can just wrap a present in, on the adverts, I'm going to say, like, five seconds. Yeah. For even big presents. I suppose, yeah. You can cut all that.

that out. You could even get, um, just, you know, the tin foil, but not make it silver, make it red. Yeah, that's quite good, but I, I just think you want the different designs on it. You may, you want to make it look like paper. Yeah. Because what my, in my experience, when you give someone a present wrapped in tin for, they're not that happy with it. But have you ever given someone a present wrapped in red tin foil? No, don't know where to find it. Exactly. But no. Be cheaper though, wouldn't it than doing paper and tin foil. Yeah, but it's my business. I don't want to be cheaper. What's the tin foil itself has had a design on it? Can you not do that?

No, because then that's still tinfoil. It needs to look like paper. But what if it was like shiny wrapping paper? It's got like red stars on it and like if it's gold with red stars on it. A couple of salters. And that's what the tinfoil is. No, I just know. And then you wrap it up in that.

There's paper on the outside and tinfoil on the inside. Is that even possible scientifically? Yeah. But bubble wrap. Bubble wrap. Yeah. Do you like that? Yeah.

I love bubble wrap. You don't use it enough for food though, do we? No, we should do though. What? Why should we? It's fun. Yeah. It's going to be part of your business venture as well. You add this to it.

Yeah, bubble wrap. Wrapping food and bubble wrap. Bubble wrap. Sandwich wrap. What would need it? An egg, I guess. Yeah. Or when you order, say, a frape, you know, and it comes sort of everywhere.

What? You know, when you order like a frape? Yeah. Or something that's got whipped cream on it. Yeah. And it arrives, and it's all over the place. I don't like the tinfoil all round it. Have you ever ordered a drink on like a delivery service?

Oh, yeah. It's a cling film sometimes. They cling film to the point where there's no entrance. Yeah. Yeah. Bubble wrap would be a better option, surely, because you can just give it a little tape and then it's easy. Yeah, one shake.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely for the deliveries, they should, yeah. Bubble wrap would revolutionise. There's no, there's no heart. It won't get hurt. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Now, listen, Ben is annoyed that we've only got pasta for your main written down. Yeah, we'd like some specifics. Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, mad. We went off and waited on a tangent if you've actually got more. It would be boiled rigatoni. Mm-hmm. Boiled specifically.

Yeah. Classic kind of new pasta. Yeah, I love the fat tubes pasta. Yeah. So there's the ricotony one or the one that's even like larger. You're the one that's even wider. I don't know what it's called. Like canolone.

Like that. The big jengua of the rigatoni world. I suppose it is a rickanolone. But I don't know if I want it that big, because that's huge. That's huge. That's like addition. So you'd only have like four of those, three of those. What currency would that be?

That's an £8 coin, at least. Yeah, definitely. And then red onion with garlic, tomato paste, double cream, vodka, just cook it. Yeah, vodka, we can't make it take any. Oh, and cheese, obviously. Yeah. Parmesan.

How much parmesan? Oh, it needs to have a lot of chili flakes in it as well. and just all the spices. All the spices? Like, you know, chili flakes? Yeah. All of them. Hang on.

Because you said chili flakes, we were like, yeah, tick. And then you said all the spices. Yeah, I just meant like of more of those chili flakes. Each individual chili flakes. Yeah. And that's something that you do at home. You do this. You do the vodka vikotony at home.

Yeah. I've only just started putting the vodka in it and the chili flakes. I used to just do the tomato. post the cream and the cheese but now it's like tastes of stuff yeah that is good when you find that out

yeah yeah I used to be a bit scared of spice but now it's quite you know it gives you something to do gives you something it's nice to feel something especially if you got

you know blocked up nose or something yeah do you want in your dream meal do you want to have a blocked up nose when you arrive and then the pasta not like a full one

Like sort of, you know, and it's like, you know, that it's fixable. Yeah. But that relief of suddenly having a clear nose. Is this like a meal, like my last meal? No, no. Oh, it's just a dream meal? Yeah. Yeah, might as well have a blocked-up nose.

If it's your laugh meal, you don't want a blocked-up nose. I wouldn't really want to go that way. No. Well, although it would sort of, you know, take your mind off. It would make you think, well, I might as well go. Really? because we've got a blocked-up nose. It's just another thing,

another reason to, you know, end. Yeah. So it's not that the blocked-up nose is the reason why you're like... No, you just think, well, I'm on my way out. This is my last meal, so...

And I've got a blocked-up nose, so... If you were on death row, you're in a blocked-up nose, it's your day to be executed. Yeah. And John Coffey from the Green Mile is in the cell next to you.

Who? John Coffey. Have you seen the example? Green mire. What? Not the green giant. What are John Coffey's name mean? He said Green Mile.

And she said, sweet corn. Sweet corn. Because you was thinking of the Green Giant, yeah. He sounds lovely. So you thought maybe the Johnny Green Giant's name is John Coffey. Is he? That the Johnny Green Giant has a name and it's John Coffey. Is it?

is in coffee? No, it's actually it's like the drink but not spelled the same it's a C-O-F-F-E-Y John Coffis he's a character in a book that got made into a film

Oh, he's not a friend of yours No, I have a friend to John Coffey's not my friend But if you see the film you do feel like he's your friend He's such a good-hearted character Gentle, gentle giant He is very tall And what did he do? He can heal people with his hands

And he offers to take it away He says I can take it away, boss To people and then he touches them and then he absorbs whatever it is and then it's expelled out of his mouth in the form of like flies that all like

disappear into the air it's very painful for him and takes a lot out of him but he can do that yeah would you let him take away your blocked up nose I mean if I've got flies

coming out of my mouth they'll come out of John Coffey's mouth come out of John Coffey's mouth he'll touch your nose with his hand and then you'll get an unblocked nose and then he'll put his head up to the sky and all the flies will come out of his mouth. I suppose if he's up for it,

I wouldn't want to say, if he's out of, you know, a rough day. Yeah. Yeah, it depends how many he's done, I suppose. That day. That day. It's already cured a man of his bladder infection and... I suppose it's just a blocked-up nose. He would have had worse.

Yeah, is it based on the severity of the thing that he's taking on, how bad. Yeah, how many flies there are. Oh, then I'm sure he's, you know, a blocked-up nose to him. It's just a walk in, you know, the park. very easy for them. It's just going to be one fly

coming out isn't it? Yeah, one fly. Yeah. But I'm just wondering. I would also say, you know,

I've got some spicy pasta come in. Yeah. Dreamside dish. Maybe some chips. No. Maybe some chips.

I like potatoes. Yeah. Like in chips or potato salad I made a potato salad the other day did you go that's not pasta so yeah but I mean it sort of it felt lovely and it felt nice but if I have it again

I'll eat that and then it will be pasta and potatoes you know well it will be yeah I can have pasta and potato salad so I thought well it's just you know yeah I've got another thing but it's just potato salad yeah but then you can add another thing

well I had chicken with it But again, I said that as chicken or to pasta. Yeah. Potato salad sort of is just a side dish, isn't it? Like, you can't just say I'm going to have potato salad for dinner. Yeah. That's true. I would, but I can't, you know.

Anthony from Blue told me his favourite food was potato salad. It's so, I hate it. When you buy it in the shop, though, it's absolutely the worst thing in the world. They just don't cook the potatoes. Yeah. Horrible. But when you make it, it's amazing. Can you talk through your potato salad recipe?

Well, I bought some tiny potatoes Put them in the boil Smashed them And then put them in the oven And then just I did put too much onion in it though Okay Two whole onions

Like white onions No red and white Red and white One red one white One red one white One spring one chive Oh wow So it was a bit too much of onion

Agreed That is too many And then mayonnaise But it was nice to, you know, have something different than pasta. See, what I like to hear about this is you've boiled them. Yeah. But then you've, like, roasted them off as well. So they're crispy.

Crispy potato salad. That's very nice. I saw it on Instagram. Yeah. So I did it. Yeah. When you said that, I thought that. It was honestly so nice.

It was just too much onion. Yeah. Like really, really too much onion. Four types of onions. Yeah. Was that in the Instagram recipe as well? I think I saw one recipe where a man used it red onion. I saw a recipe where a man used white onion

and then one where he used spring and chives and I just combine them all because you can't get everything right first time but you're going to do it again I'll do it again yeah I just use less onion but it was really nice honestly I have to say

maybe actually I think I would have that as my side dish yeah I would go for the spring and the chive myself though I am trying to learn to eat more of the other things food groups yeah because they all seem to just be

carbohydrates yeah so far we've got bread which we ask you about but then pasta yeah

and potatoes I keep trying to sort of venture out but not going well you have to keep doing it

you've got just do it once yeah so it's just you feel like you're just never gonna never gonna get out

of that you know headspace of carbs you're always just gonna feel like old is that how carbs, make you feel?

I feel just, you know, I barely move. Yeah. Just sleep. On your round blanket. Yeah, and that's it. But there's, um, there's,

you know, the other groups. Name them. Vegetables. Yeah. They're always good. Keep the port is in, Bonito,

for this section. Well, it's that, isn't it? It's that, isn't it? It's vegetables or things like potatoes and pasta. Carbs and vegetables. Carbs and vegetables.

But I guess it's like... Oh, well, meat. Yeah. Protein. Yeah. Protein. Protein vegetables. Is that the name of their category?

I think it is. Vegetables. Um... I don't know the official names of the categories, but I think vegetables is like an umbrella term. Wheat. It's probably in carbs. Carbs, yeah. got enough wheat sin

well I don't get any of I need to eat more dairy dairy yeah well this is the issue I love dairy as well that's why I think I could be vegetarian

but I couldn't be vegan because of the dairy because of the dairy is just brilliant and I think you know it's just from you know

others but I mean I think they're not dead are they no if anything I do encourage you know they have to be a life

to get the milk out of the udder. Yeah. Can't get them out of dead out of? I think, yeah, the dream would be to have my own farm and look after my own cows to make sure that they're not being, you know, treated poorly. But I can still get dairy from them and then, you know, give them something to eat after something.

Because you like tiny things and you've had, like, you know, cows in your pocket and stuff like that. Were you, like, not really like the big cows? Wouldn't. You won't really like them. You'll be like, oh, I don't want to look after these because actually I wish they were talking. Although, if it meant that I could have dairy and it be, you know, a positive experience for the cows, I would feel better about it because it would mean I'm, you know, I'm not going to ASTA and buying, you know, evil dairy. Have you ever milked a cow?

No. I haven't met a cow. You've met a cow? No. What? You've seen cows. I've seen them and, you know, like the street when you walk. What?

You must have met him if you've seen them in the street. When you drive past a cow farm. I've never, like, gone up, like, introduced myself or anything. Yeah. Not up close. No, not up close. Yeah. I've seen a horse.

Not me up to horse. I was that. I was meeting the horse. It's all right. Very tall. So if you saw a horse and Stephen Merchant next week, do you ever with that thing? A sheet of things. Fruit is another...

I like fruit, but my issue with, I think, fresh food, vegetables and fruit, is just how they just don't age well. You buy fruit, you have to really, really want it instantly. Or it's gone. It's just, it's so, I find it so stressful. You can't plan a week's meal of fruit and veg, full stop. Because it will be off by the get to day three. I guess you could plan, if you planned it.

Yeah. How? Please tell. Well, sometimes I'll be like, right, I'm going to, I get in the shop and I go, I've got this many days, three, that I need to do meals on. And I should be eating more vegetables. Yes. I'll get this aubergine for that meal. I can grill that. I can grill these leeks.

I can get these avocados for breakfast that day. And you're just like, you know how many meals you've got. But don't they go off? No, because if I'm only getting it for the week. Because I've got a bag of lettuce in my fridge. Yeah. And I opened it to put in something. And then I looked this morning and it's brown.

Yeah. I opened it yesterday. Well, that doesn't feel right. No? No. It happens. Always happens to me. So it feels like, what's the point?

If I'm not going to eat a whole bag of lettuce, it's just going to go brown the next day. I have to be buying bags of lettuce every day. I don't want to buy one of them whole, you know, you can get them as a whole lettuce. Yeah. I don't want to do that. Why?

Because they're all brown on. they're all like covered in mud aren't they? You have to take like four sheets of lettuce off before you get to... Are they covered in mud? Like little bits of mud, little bits of bugs.

Stickers from the shop. What about washing it? Yeah, but the outside layer is sort of unwashable, isn't it? It's got... Sort of feels waxy. It's been used, it's been touched, it's been, you know... Well, if you peeled the outside layer off

and then washed it? But it's sort of, they don't come in... The layers overlap, don't know? It's like one layer goes into the other layer. So you pull off one layer and you go, oh, perfect. You put off your other layer and it sort of takes off the next layer. So then you pull off the other layer. And then you've got like an egg.

It's just not worth it. So I just buy it in a bag. And it goes brown the next day. Yeah. So that's why I don't eat a lot of vegetables. But I am trying. Just don't know how to, you know, what to do with them or where to put them. You could even, you know, just put them in, you know, with the pasta, right?

you can make sauce. Yeah, I don't know how much you're getting from onion, though, in terms of... Yeah. In terms of, if you're saying, I want to eat more vegetables because it's, like, more nutrients. You just want to feel, like, more alive and stuff. Yeah, but I don't think onions are going to do anything. No. Well...

I feel like Ed and I have a couple of, like, push-over youth workers. Yeah. They were trying to get through to one of the promising. Yeah. But more stubborn kids in the youth centre Yeah, I don't really feel like you're getting that much of money No, on its own. So, like, have you considered other things?

I love cabbage, that's nice, but, like, only in, like, a roast dinner. I wouldn't just eat a cabbage, like, in a pasta. Yeah, cabbage pasta, I would say, probably not. You know, when you see, like, Jamie Oliver on stuff and he's giving tips to parents on how to get more vegetables into their kids' diet by sort of almost tricking them by, like, blending it up in pasta sauces. Yeah. Have you other thought of doing that and trying to trick yourself?

I have blended, I have tried to make soup before from vegetables. But it just was all just like lumps of vegetables. I blended it and it just tasted like I blended vegetables. It wasn't like it was, you know, was it country house? What's that soup called? Yeah, yeah, something like that. I know what you mean. Farm, yeah.

With the cartons. It wasn't like that. It was just like the recipe said, yeah, roast your vegetables. put them in a blender you'll get this lovely soup just tasted like there feels like there needs to be

another liquid element there like a vegetable stock or something oh yeah I just put hot water in it because I thought you got all the you got all the flavour

for all the vegetables but apparently not did they say put hot water in with the vegetables and blend it yeah they poured something hot in I think that might have been

vegetable stock yeah are you doing most of you're cooking from Instagram and I've got a cookbook Okay, what cookbook have you got? Just some girl called Beth

Yeah, and she cooks But it's always chicken No, this explains it Yeah It's always chicken, yeah So I only look in it When I'm not having pasta You dream drink

I love milkshakes Yeah but that was sort of more more in my youth that I used to order a milkshake alongside you know a main course in a restaurant or like a pasta because it's just you're asking to not eat you're asking to be full up it's like having a comp plan um a comp plan you don't have that no really no what's that it's like when you don't eat your mum gives you a comp plan what have you heard this word before you know You've not eaten because you're ill or you need to get nutrients or you've not got an appetite.

Just have a comp plan. You just get it in the health health diet's got all your nutrients in it. Have you heard of it? No, it burns to shake this air. Is it like a powder? It's a powder. You just fill it up with milk and drink it. It fills you up.

I don't think I ever... Not that. I don't think my mum was ever in a situation where I hadn't eaten. Yeah, I used to... Well, I suppose if I felt ill or if I was, you know, ill. I couldn't. Yeah, and I was like, oh, really just don't want to eat. And she'd go, well, you need to, you know, you need to have something in you.

So have a comp plan. So that, to you, when you have a milkshake with a main, it's like you're having a comp plan. I think, oh, I might as well just have a comp plan. Yeah. Because it's a meal in itself and a milkshake. Yeah. But I do like a milkshake as, like, if it was just dream drink in general, without a meal, I would pick, you know, milkshake. But it's just so filling and so sweet.

Yeah. that the older I get, the more I'm inclined to just have a glass of water. Yeah. Can we stick on the milkshake just for a bit? Yes. I want to know what you've, because obviously you're not going to have it with the meal because it's with the meal. Yeah. But if you were just having the milkshake, what flavour would you go for?

I try and get a different one each time because I just always think, what if I'll find the next best milkshake. But I'd go from anything from, you know, just vanilla to one with loads of bits in. like crunchy or bubblegum you know bits of bubblegum in it bubblegum bits of like sweets and I always dream about milkshakes yeah but just you know I'll take anything I like to try what dreams do you happen just I dream about milkshakes sometimes what do you mean like I'll always be sort of in a parlour I'll always be looking for a milkshake and I'll get this you know extravagant milkshake

I'll sit and I wake up That's the dream Before you're doing it Yeah It's just a pattern It's that and other stuff What you're I mean

You seem like you're about to share Another one of your dreams And then you decided against I just didn't know if it was You know in context You don't need to give context to it No You've given the context

I'm Stood next to Big Ben And it's There's a helicopter in the sky And I can see that It's not Something's not off and it crashes into Big Ben

people fall out of Big Ben and the helicopter They'll fall out of Big Ben Yeah And then I turned to my left And Tam's and Althwaite stood there And she says Oh this is awful in it

And I go yeah Because I can't believe it And that happens a lot Is that in the milkshake dream Or theme parks Just nothing in general Just theme parks Well, you know, I line there, Benito dreams about things.

Do you? I try to, I've been willing, meaning to Google it for ages, what it means if you're constantly dreaming about theme parks. I think it's every night at some point. Have you Google what the Big Ben one means? I mean, you don't know where to stop, because once you start, you know, Google gives you all the suggestions

until you get to Tams and Healthway. And then Big Ben and a helicopter. But it was the first time I had that dream, it was, it felt so real. So real. The second time you were saying to Tampton you were like, don't worry we both know what's going to happen.

We've been here before. But I don't know what, God knows what that means. How do you feel about or have you ever had a freak shake? Yeah, that's sort of what I think I dream about. Those ones, and like I was saying

the bubble gun with the bits and it just feels a bit like they just throw too much on. Like there's a cake on it and a candy floss. It's not a drink anymore. No. But I would, if I wanted a milkshake, I'd eaten dinner.

It's been a few hours. I'd go for it. I just don't know if I'd, you know, have the cake and the lollipop and everything after. They seem designed for Instagram, isn't it? It is. Yeah. You know. Take a photo of it.

I just want a plain plastic cup. I don't like milkshakes in paper. I get you there. Yeah. I really don't like. You want a plastic cup, though? I like to see through. But what about a glass then?

Yeah, but you know, when you buy one out and they give it to you in, like five guys now, they give you a milkshake and you can't see what the milkshake is. And that's why I don't get milkshakes from five guys anymore. You can't see it? No. You don't trust it. Well, I just don't enjoy it as much. Whereas when you get a milkshake in a plastic cup, you enjoy it because you know what it is and you can see it as you drink. I mean, you're drinking that tea now, but tea's never come in a clear, you know, cup, has it?

Unless you've got a clear glass. Yeah. But I don't like the whole, you know, we're going from plastic to paper. I just can't. It's about time someone took a stand against that. I mean, I get it. Also the younger generation as well. Yeah.

It's going to affect a bit more. Environment. Come on. I just, I miss it. So if someone is a good business idea. I miss having lids on McFlurries. Yeah. Cut this up, Benito.

Clear paper. Another job idea? Another business venture? Yeah. Yeah. if you can figure that out. Yeah, it's a good business idea. That you can get us, just like...

Yeah, fair enough, that's pretty good. Isn't that transfer paper? Not bad, actually. So you go back to five guys if they start putting their... Not sure it's in transfer paper, yeah. I just miss it, that's all. Like, I'm not going to, you know, bash them. I just miss the...

Well, I want to get it sorted out. So, because what about if they change their cups to being paper, so better for the environment? Yeah. But they have a small plastic window in it, you can at least see... It would be a start. Yeah.

But I just would then think, why don't you just make the whole thing plastic? Environment. But what's it doing to the environment? What plastic? Yeah. Loads. Can't they just...

Yeah, I mean... But then just make plastic that doesn't do anything bad to the environment. I've seen it happen. Yeah? Yeah. What do you mean? Well, I've got given a straw the other day.

Yeah. I think that's one of the things they ran against the most. No, but it must have been good for the environment. Why? Because you've got given it? They don't do them anymore, do they? Yeah, they do. Some places do, yeah.

Yeah, places that don't give a shit. Well, it was sort of... It looked eco-friendly. It felt it. It felt sort of grainy. I think that's paper then. No, but it was plastic. So it's doable.

Well, I don't... Do you not get... What I mean about plastic? Missing it? Missing it? No. I suppose you can't really say that, you know, anyway. You can?

But, like, I don't miss it. I actually prefer with the milk shakes. Do you? You prefer paper? Yeah, those cardboard. Do you like paper straws? I don't, I mean, I don't love them, but I'll use them. It's gone. I like a metal straw.

I just prefer, I don't mind glass straws because you can see through them. But metal or plastic straws, the reusable ones. You just can never see if it's clean. There could be all sorts in there. Oh, what, in the straw? If you're reusing a straw, yeah. Wash you wash it. Is it, because that's not like washing a lettuce.

Not at all. You have to get like a little brush, straw brush. Like a chimney sweep. Yeah, it is like a chimney sweet. You like tiny, you'd like tiny things. I love tiny things. You were giving a tiny little chimney sweep brush to wash your reusable straw with it. Yeah.

You went over now? Yeah. I've got glass straws because I don't, you know, I don't buy plastic straws. Yeah. Because apparently they're bad. But I do miss them. I don't mind it if you're eating in, if you're sitting in, and they give you a milkshake and a glass.

Yeah. Oh. Look, I'm glad we're under glasses now. Milkshake in a cold glass and then Ed's Diner they used to do, they'd have a glass of milkshake and then they do the extra milkshake, more milkshake in a tin cup that they'd blended the milkshake in. Oh yeah, I remember that. That was amazing.

I've told you this before, surely. You're going to love this. You used to go to Ed's Diner every week with my dad, go swimming and they go to Ed's Diner. Already love it. Wow. And then I was drinking a milkshake. And I went, Dad. And I just distinctly remember saying that

I went, if you look out the window, that's England, but in here, we're in America. So true. Still have his brain works now. Yeah. Oh, yeah, 100% I'd say that out loud now. Absolutely. Absolutely still fix that.

That's really sweet. So true. What did your dad say to that? Probably on his phone. Yeah. That was my dad, but I was a kid. He'd say, no, we're not. It's just still England.

Yeah. He probably went, yes, very good Yeah Yeah, yeah Never met my dad Yeah Benito now wants to know exactly what milkshake it is Okay, I'll clarify, yeah

Benito is like very stressed So if it was a dream drink Just on its own I'd pick a milkshake But if it's with the meal It would have to be Maybe either still water Or an appetizer

So this is with the meal So I think Well, you could have a Because I suppose you get water for the table, don't you? Yeah. And then an appetiser. So you're not having a milkshake now? Not with the meal, no.

I could have that for dessert. We don't want to change your dessert. So I... Do you have a dessert? I mean, you can have the milkshake with the dessert. I like lots of desserts. So I don't think you should make it a milkshake because then you're going to... Have it?

I think you could have the milkshake with the dessert or you could have it after the meal if you wanted, if you're still hungry. Yeah. I could do. Yeah. Do that then. Deserts. Yes. I like ice cream.

Yep. Probably already in the future. Yeah, that's, I think, it's close, isn't it? Because it's blended together. Maybe creme brulee. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah.

But it depends if I've had like a really, like, milky day. Do you get what I mean? Yeah. If I've had a lot of. A lot of milk. I don't really want to end it on creme brulee. Especially if you've got a milkshake knocking around as well. Yeah, I wouldn't want a milkshake and a cram bruleau.

Maybe I'd have like a pie, like a cherry pie. That's good. Hey, now we really are in America. I find it really hard to choose a milkshake, a dessert because there's so many. Like I'll find myself, you know, having all sorts on the spot. I guess we didn't mean to put you on the spot. Benito should have sent you these ahead of time. The apologies that that didn't happen.

I think he did. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he did, yeah. I just, I just, I just don't know how anyone's supposed to choose a dessert. What was the last great dessert you had? I think it was just a cup of ice cream, like a Mr. Whippy. A cup of Mr. Whippy? Yeah. We've been to an ice cream parlor.

Like London. Yeah. And they've got all the, like, the ice cream without any air bubbles in. Like the nitro ice cream? No, it's like... Soft-served stuff, but... It's like Italian ice cream. Gelato.

Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. That's not like Mr. Whippy, though. No. But you can get Mr. Whippy. You can?

Yeah. But not from an Italian ice cream parlor. No. But I'd probably get an Italian ice cream. Yeah, a gelato. Yeah. But I did have Mr. Whippy the day. Yeah.

But in a cup, not in a cone. In a cup. Because I don't like the cone. From the van? From the van. It was, no, it was, you know, Lester Square? Yeah, yeah. Just a guy there.

What? Next to the casino. What was the little cart? No, he was just sort of built in the wall. You know, you know, next to the IMAX. Like a hatch. Like a hatch. It's just a guy there and it says.

He wasn't built into the wall. No. The shop was. Yeah. And he said waffles, ice cream, cakes. bubble tea. And I said, do you just do plain ice cream in a cup? He went, yeah. So he just poured out some Mr. Whippy into a cup. It was horrible. It was all melted. That was your answer to what was the last great dessert. Oh, great. It was just the last dessert. It was just all

melted. Have you ever used an ice cream machine before? No, I've always wanted to get one. But I don't like the fact that you can't use it instantly. You have to let it cool down. Yeah, I don't like that. You have to, you know, wait. overnight what's the point they're hard to use as well though I use the Mr Whippy machine for something and you have to do it quite slowly yeah I love that though when you go somewhere like you know

when you go to Pizza Hut yeah yeah yeah ice cream factory that's brilliant I think that's actually my dream dessert actually Ice Cream Factory Pizza Hut yeah it's the best can you talk us through the toppings that you put on no sauce just the sparkling strawberry pink balls

yeah just them It's lovely Doesn't feel like you're making full use of the factory When you overdo it It just tastes like saucy cream It's horrible I just want the ice cream To really really enjoy the flavour of the dairy

It's lovely Just add some pink glittery balls to it It just like it adds a strawberry crunch Yeah To be honest I admire this because Whenever I use any of these things I just go nuts

No restraint at all I do. I used to do. I used to do that when I was, you know, younger. And it looks great, yeah. But as soon as you start going, it's just, I'm eating chocolate soup with, you know, gummy bears and smarties. And it tastes like shit. Yeah, it's mad. And I do then look at the, you know. People like me. People like you, you had the restraint and the foresight to go, what would actually taste nice? I'm going to do this.

And I do think, wow, like, I wonder if I'll ever be like that. It's lovely. And you can just go back and get more. I think if you're not like that now, James, you're never going to be like that. No, I'm never going to be like it. Well, I used to be like it. Yeah, but you're 23. So if you've managed to change, I mean, you've...

Yeah, it's true, actually. I changed a lot between, yeah, up until the edge of 23, but now... Too late now. Did you change between 23 and now? 39? 39? Yeah, I've changed, but not ice cream was. Yeah, and I don't think that's going to change for you.

No, and that's in my DNA. Look at my DNA. dad. Yeah. Don't bring up dads again. Sorry. That's fine. I'm sure he's happy.

You know, I've got a dog. You love. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure he's happy I've got a dog. Are you saying he's happy

that you've got a dog? No, I said, I'm sure he's happy and I've got a dog. Yeah. So. I met your dog. You did. Very sweet.

She's lovely. Yes, a nice dog. Lovely little dog. I love dogs. I'd love to have be surrounded by dogs as well for the meal that's nice your own dog definitely yeah and some more will your dog have a special sort of position within the group of dogs or will they just be in the mix of she'll have her own little chair yeah with a little um plate of cheese yeah she loves cheese

does she yeah um and then the other dogs can just have sort of some snacks yeah as well just because I don't want to be pested yeah yeah I want to give be able to give them some but not enough um i can't give them my food because it's got onion in it so can dogs not have onion no i learned that the hard way we talk us through what happened um i just found out that if they have onion they'll die was that the hard way yeah no the hard way the hard way is the hard way is your dog guys oh really god i was i thought it was that was you got to be careful how you use that phrase. Don't go around and say to people, I learnt that the hard way

when there's much harder ways than what you went for. My dog's still got a brain disease. It just wasn't from onions. I guess I just learnt that the hard way. Technically, I did learn it the hard way. No, because you didn't learn anything about the onions from your dog having a brain disease. No, but I did learn the hard way.

What do you mean? About, you know, having a dog. When you get a dog, you know, learnt that the hard way. she's now about what it's like to have a dog she's now got meningitis yeah

but you didn't learn that dogs can't have onions the hard way you just learn that you learn another thing the hard way yeah that doesn't mean

you should use that phrase for every situation you're in but they can't have onions so you did learn that

yeah you learn that but not the hard way yeah you learn that another things I'd tell you learn that the easy way yeah

yeah you've learnt the fat but I mean if she had an onion then I've just you know killed her. Yeah, but you already knew that. So you not learn that the hard way, you just messed up.

But I wouldn't know that she's eating the onion. Sorry? Would I? What do you mean? I wouldn't, you don't always know if a dog's eat, like, this is the issue. The dog can just, you won't know, you don't always know if your dog's going to eat an onion. So you do sometimes learn the hard way. Yeah, you would learn the hard way.

But, but again, for that, you would have to not know that dogs can't eat onion. And then your dog without your knowledge eats an onion and dies. And then you take it to the vet and they go, I'm a little bit confused. I ain't an onion. You've learned that the whole... At least there's no onions in your kitchen ever. No, but I really want to make sure that she understands this.

Because you are saying you're confused. But like, I'm saying, you read a fact about onions. Said, if dogs eat onions, they die. So you read that. And because of that, your dog hasn't eaten onions and nothing's happening. So I've learned that the hard way. Well, no. Because your dog didn't.

and eat it. So the hard way is that you feed your dog and onion and it dies. Yeah, and then you find out that's how you learn to it. That's the hard way. That's the hard way. It's just an expression though, isn't it? Yeah, but it means something. So, like if... Like, we all learn the hard way.

You found out the hard way that dogs can get meningitis. When your dog got meningitis. Yeah. Yeah. You learn the hard way. With the onion thing, you just read that. Yes. Yeah. But I think my dog... I don't know if I learned

hard way. My dog did just get meningitis. Did you know before that that dogs could get meningitis? I suppose. Oh, well, you didn't know the hard way then. You already knew and then your dog later got meningitis. That would be a perfect example. Yeah.

It wouldn't have been a good example, but... Yeah. I guess we learnt that the hard way. I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it? Yeah. You want still water? Yes. You want, um, chibata, chibata, I don't even know how to pronounce it.

Give it a go. Cheer batter. Yeah, that sounds great. Garlic bread and sheets of popadons. Yep. Starter, you want a four pound coin worth of spaghetti with a tomato-based sauce. Main course, vodka rigatoni. Side, maybe some chips.

That wasn't it? Potato salad, wasn't it? Yeah, we went to the potato salad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got to a potato salad at the end. Your potato salad that you could. You made with the smashed potatoes. But not as many onions.

Not as many onions. Not as many onions. Not as the dog. Yeah. Drink appletiser. I forgot that that's where we arrived. Yeah. You didn't even get into talking about apple tiser.

There's a piece of hot ice cream factory. Yes. With a milkshake. Not with a milkshake. Just with some strawberry crunch sprinkles that's sparkly. And are you having milkshake after the meal? No. If I did, it would be hours after.

So that a milkshake is not in any way feature in this painting. No, it's not going to be in the meal. I don't know, but it would if it was just drinks. Yeah. And you want to be surrounded by dogs for the whole thing. Yes. How do you feel about that? Who?

Me? Yeah. Really. I mean, I'm pleased. Yeah? Yeah. Happy with that. Yeah.

It sounds lovely. I'm excited about the very small bowl of pasta and I'd like to see that be brought to the table. Yeah. Would you be excited if someone brought you a tiny little bowl of edible pasta? I'd be so excited. Yeah. Especially if it all, you know, it was made from all the same ingredients.

is a large version. Yeah. I'd be thrilled. It's sort of, you know, it's a dream really. Thanks so much coming to the dream restaurant, Chi.

Thanks for having me. Thank you. Well, there we are, James. What a menu. What an episode. Yeah. Delicious. Absolutely loved that episode.

Yeah. I had a lot of fun. I feel like I've meditated. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I feel very at peace. Yeah, but like. I feel like I've meditated and dropped something at the same time.

Yeah, yeah. I feel relaxed, but also a bit weird. On edge, yeah. Yeah, she's fantastic. Yes. Do watch things you should have done on IPlay. It is a brilliant show. And I think actually this episode has given you a taste of the sort of the general sort of vibe of the show.

Yeah, and like, I mean, and then there's so much content that Loochia's put out online as well. Oh, yeah. You can watch all of that too. So you can just like, there's a whole. world to dive into. Absolutely. And of course you didn't say fake sushi grass, James. Thank you. Thank you very much for that. Right. We'll go then, will we? I think we'll go. We'll wander off into the afternoon. Yes. Into the evening. Into the morning. Go our separate ways. Live our own lives. You know, three happy men with lucky lives.

Three happy men with lucky lives. It's the new name of the podcast. Off menu is no more. It's now called Three Happy Men with Lucky Lives. yeah we're going to do you bye bye