Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Marian Keyes

Episode Date: August 27, 2025

Internationally bestselling Irish author Marian Keyes – co-host of Radio 4’s ‘Now You’re Asking’ – is this week’s dream diner. And she’s got some supportive words for Ed and James.Trigger warning: this episode contains talk about alcohol addiction, and mentions of grooming. Marian Keyes’s latest novel ‘My Favourite Mistake’ is out now, published by Penguin. But it here.Marina co-hosts ‘Now You’re Asking’ on BBC Radio 4. Listen to it on BBC Sounds.And look out for the BBC adaptation of Marian’s ‘The Walsh Sisters’ which is in the works.Follow Marian on Instagram @marian_keyesWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Fri 29 Aug.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, hey everyone. Before you listen to this audio episode, we've got some fantastic news. For a long time, many of you have been bugging us to get the episodes, InVision on the YouTube. And that's just what we've done, James. We have our own YouTube channel, and now full episodes will be available on the YouTube channel. Entire full episodes, start to finish, so you can see exactly what we look like every step of the way. And you don't have to use your imagination anymore. No, we've got loads up there already, actually, James, from this series. including the wonderful Ben Schwartz is on there.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Ed. It's at Off Menu podcast on YouTube. Yeah, Benito keeps saying this, but I don't think people use At on there. I think if you just go and look up off-menu podcasts, just use the little search bar. I think that's how most of the kids do it. Yeah, everyone in the world just types in off-menu podcasts into the search,

but they don't put at. I don't think they've ever put at. Go and check out full video episodes of the Off-Menu podcast over on our YouTube channel, Off-Menu podcast. YouTube, We-Tube, YouTube for YouTube. ice cream. Welcome to the off-menu podcast, opening the food delivery app of conversation and ordering a Chinese takeaway of friendship.

It's come to this. It's a lazy night. It's a lazy night. Sometimes you don't want to cook. Order a Chinese takeaway. That is lazy, lazy. Ed Gamble, I'm lazy James Acaster, and together we own a lazy

dream rest truck. In lazy town. In lazy town, where that guy does keep fit stuff with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Sporticus, shout out. Together, we own a dream restaurant, every single week we invite in a guest, we invite him in, and we ask him the favourite ever start. Oh, Sporticus has fried me off. We invite him in, and we ask him the favourite

ever start, and make a side dish and drink night in that order. And today, I think, that's not a secret ingredient. Fuck me. It's a mate, Sporticus is really throwing you off. Sporticus, man. What was the name of the bad guy, Benito?

I wasn't sports. No, he wasn't the bad guy, Sporticus. But the guy with quite an imposing face, Robbie Rotten. And this week, our secret... Oh, fuck me. I've done it again. This week, our guest, our special guest is Marion Keyes. Sorry, Marion, if you're listening, that is the worst we've ever done an intro.

And we should re-record it. But it was a laugh, how bad it was. I don't think she's listening to this. She's going to be here. Do you think I guess listen back to it? Not many of them, I'm sure. Because it's an awful, awful experience. Yeah, they don't like it.

De Niro, yes. De Niro definitely listened back. Yeah, yeah. De Niro definitely did. A wonderful writer. Yes, a smash hit author, James. Yeah, so good. Very excited to have Marion on the podcast.

We don't have enough, like, authors on the podcast. That's because they're not normally a laugh. Yeah, sure. And Marion is... And I've seen Marion on a lot of... stuff and she's definitely fun and she knows how to do a good interview. Yeah, she's fantastic

so like, we know we're in good hands. Just sit in a little room and they're up their own ass. They are, a lot of authors if you're listening, which they won't be, so I bet they don't listen to anyone else but themselves waffling on. Oh, I don't need to listen to anyone else. I've got all the characters in my head. Give over. Yeah, yeah. Give over.

Benito whispered give over. Yeah, yeah. Marion's new book, my favourite mistake, is out now. It's already A multi-million copy bestseller. That's, it's mind-blowing, right? Yeah. Like, especially, like, this day and age, it's got to be even harder.

Like, to sell a physical book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Millions of times. Yeah. That's got to be good. That's got to be a good book. And what? It's a 16th or 17th book.

She knows away around a novel, man. Yeah, big time. And I'm happy to say that to it when she's in. And, of course, Marion has a podcast with Tara Flynn called Now You're Askin, which is available on BBC Sounds. And the Walsh Sisters is coming. being filmed for BBC. At the minute, we don't know when it's coming out,

but it's being filmed in Dublin right now based on one of Marion's novels. Very excited to see it. Yes, she's got a lot going on. She's incredibly talented. She's incredibly busy. So we are very grateful that she's given us some of her time

to talk about her dream menu. Yum, yum, yum. But before we bring her in, there is a special guest and if she says it, then she gets kicked out. Oh no, sorry. There is a secret ingredient.

And if she says it, she'll be kicked out on the dream restaurant. Yes. And this week, The secret ingredient is Tamingto. Tamingo. Yes, Tuminto from Robert Popper's

episode. Robert Popper invented this. Yes. So the likelihood of it actually being chosen is, no, none really. What was it again? Huh?

Timinto. It was like tomato juice with Cremte de Montth or something, wasn't it? It was tomato juice with Cremte de Montth. He invented it. Yeah, yeah. Revolting, fictional doesn't exist. Yeah, yeah.

But then this is where Marion lives is the world of fiction. Yes. So maybe she will pick a fictitious drink. Maybe her author's brain will conjure it up out of the ether. So if it's not conjuring it up if it, if someone else has already conjured it up, right? Yeah, but like it's not in the zeitgeist. She doesn't know that.

It is in the zeitgeist. It's on the off-menu podcast. We are the zeitgeist, James. Oh yeah, I forgot that we dictate the zeitgeist. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. We're really excited to speak to Marion. I think we should just get on with it, James.

Let's just get on with it, Ed. This is the off-meyxie. menu of Marion Keyes. Welcome, Marion to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you for having me. Welcome, Marianne Keyes to the Dream Restaurant for some time. Did you enjoy the Genie welcome there?

I did. I loved it. It was a multi-sensory experience. Thank you. Do you want to list the senses that you experienced on? Touch. Yeah psychic vision Yeah

Astral travelling Yeah a lot It was a lot It was beautiful Yeah it was intense and fabulous Yeah Didn't even No sound though

No sound no And couldn't see anything With my actual eyes But in my head I saw a lot Yeah It's mainly emotional And yeah

Yes yes Yes yeah A psychic spiritual All of them things Yeah That's a big experience For the beginning Of a podcast

Isn't it Yeah I think you'd ever write a story About a genie Oh yeah, I haven't yet but after today there's every chance Yeah, I could inspire Yeah, we could collaborate

Well, I think half of that book Would be unreadable Yeah, my half Yeah Yeah, we'll bring you into polish it and tidy it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I know what I'm doing You just turned down a collaboration

With Marion Keys, man I don't want to ruin it Yeah, fair enough You kidding me? Okay, we'll park it, but it was a lovely idea Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah No, we could No, that's bad, that's bad on my part

I should just accept it. To be honest, no, I'm an awful collaborator as well. Yeah. I'm too much of a people, please. Are also a secret control freak. So I would say yes to everything you suggested, but then I would go away and I would stew with fury. And, you know, let's not.

Yeah. We won't. Would you make the changes, I'd suggest? Or would I get it back and it would be the same as when it was before. You would just hope that I wouldn't notice. Yeah. And I would, yeah, I would send it back to you. And I would say, thank you.

I have input it. all your changes, all your suggestions, you have made this a million times better than it originally was. And you'd feel great. Yeah. Hopefully. And I probably wouldn't know.

You probably wouldn't know. People do that to me a lot. Yeah. You know, they say, you know, thank you for that suggestion. I'm, how'd you call it? I'm an executive producer on a TV thing at the moment that's been made of my books, which means that I can make suggestions.

The Walsh sisters. Yeah, but they don't do anything. You know, they go, thank you, Marion. That's great. That's really, really good. We're going to incorporate that. We'll bring that up at our next meeting. And then nothing changes. But I feel kind of, I get the warm glow of, yeah, the TV people value me. You know, so I still feel good. Yeah. Even though you know that they've done nothing based on your suggestions. Yeah, exactly. I know that I am being humoured. Yeah. Yes. But they're being kind about it, which means a lot, really. Is that how you work with your editors as well when you're writing a book? Do they even, do they meddle at all now?

Oh, they do. Oh, no, they do. They do. I have a lovely editor and she's been my publisher for like, I don't know, 27 years or something like that. But I do as much as I can. I don't kind of give them bits and pieces as I go, you know, give them the final book. And then she will come back with, I mean, but she does that snow thing of kind of like, oh my God, you have surpassed yourself with this one. And then there's about three days. And she goes, we're just going to tinker around to do a couple of things, me and Grace, who is her assistant. And then it comes back and it's pages and pages and page. pages and pages of stuff. And then I am in a blind fury. And I stomp around the house and I stamp up and down the stairs because they're wooden and they make a lot of good noise. And I say, if they're so feck and fantastic as writing feckin books, why don't they feck into it? And then, and then I process it and I think, well, they want it to be as good as it can be. So then I kind of go, okay, I will do two thirds of what they've suggested. But they will never get me to do the blah, blah, blah. And that's fine because they put in more stuff than they actually want, because they know I won't do it all. And it's like, yeah, we have a really lovely working

relationship because we understand those unspoken bits. Yes. That, like, they know that I won't do it all. And I know they've given me more things than they actually want. So it's good. But you'd never say that to each other. Because... No. They might know now. But we still wouldn't say it. Some things don't need to be said face to face. Yeah, it's like it really, it works really well. They're very kind to me. And like, I want my books to be as good as they can be. And like, you have to have somebody from the outside saying, do this, do that.

And oh, Christ, that doesn't work. But in a way that kind of saves face. Yeah. Yeah. And saves the relationship. You still want to think it's all your own thing. That's it. But yeah, because it'd be awful if they came back and said a massive change.

Oh, God. And you did it. And then that was a thing that made it your best book. Yeah, exactly. I mean, yeah. But it's almost as bad when, if they came back and said, trilling, trillingly perfect, not a single word needs to be changed. Because that can't be the case. You know, there has to be some pain with the praise. There has to be. And when you've turned in a book and they've been like, oh, do you think this may be these fix in here? Of all the little mistakes you may have made, do you have a favorite mistake? Ha ha, nice one Very, very good A segue

Not your best That's a good That's excellent It was good It was good It was magnificent Come on I didn't see it common

Yeah I don't think we needed A segue like that Necessarily Because we were already talking about Writing books Honestly

But we moved From the general To the specific Come on now Yeah Yeah I would have just I would just go

With well this new book That's also nice Also nice Yes Yeah Well that's what I would bring We are with that. You see segways.

But his was seamless. Yes. Yeah. You would describe us what's happening now as a seam? Well, that's because you're just you. You created the scene. Yeah. We moved.

We've turned a page with you. Yeah. Speaking of turning page. Oh, he's done it. Now you have it. Fantastic. That's the seamless. Oh, there we go.

Yes. No notes. That was good. That was good. It was brilliant. It was beautiful. Yeah. We should talk about the new book.

But my favourite mistake. All right, okay. How do you even begin writing a book like this? Yes. Oh, God, all right. Okay. I started with, I always do, I start with woman character. It's usually a woman and I usually want to write about whatever is kind of affecting women in the contemporary world.

So this is about a woman who did a post-COVID midlife pivot. She was working in New York, had a fabulous job doing PR in cosmetics and had a lovely boyfriend who was way too nice to her. And she was living in New York. And she decided that she didn't like any of it anymore. But she's 48. And well, she decides she's going to start life again. And so she moves to a small town in the west of Ireland. And it's, okay, it's about lots of things.

It's about what it's like to be in midlife and kind of all the things you've done as a younger person that you just wish that you could go back and change. I mean, I spend an awful lot of my time, especially about four in the morning, just time travelling and wishing I could literally go back and just undo. a lot of the things I did. And it's painful kind of learning to live with the things I can change. But yeah, her name is Anna. And there's this man that she's had this kind of 20 year kind of on, well, it was never fully on off. But they were always kind of in love with each other, but at different times, they both got married to other people. Now neither of them are married and they are working in the same place. And then it's also about female friendship and the

mythology, the kind of the feeling that like a female friendship can never, you can never not be friends with your best friend, that like you are obliged to be friends with them from the day you were born to the day you die. And that if anything goes wrong, you are a freak and a weirdo. And why are you so terrible? So it's kind of about all of those things. And it's, I mean, I wrote it because we were just coming out of lockdown and then feckin Russia invades Ukraine. And I just thought, oh, Christ, the world is just going to continue. to be awful for the foreseeable. So I wanted to write something hopeful and comforting and kind of, you know, about people

being nice to each other and about community rather than people being awful. So that was kind of, I wanted to kind of create a happy safe because it takes me two years to write a book. So I needed a nice place for the two years for me to spend my time. So that's kind of it. It's really interesting that thing, isn't it, that you can see what people really enjoy and what people crave from literature and, you know, all media when what's going on in the world is absolutely horrendous. They're drawn to something more comforting that they can just lose themselves in.

Yeah. Well, you see, I mean, I read an awful lot. And I was thinking, well, what am I reading? What do I like? What kind of gives me escape and comfort? And it was that. Like, it was love stories. It was stories about family. And it was, you know, there can be no novel without some kind of profound unpleasantness because there is no point otherwise. But I wanted to write something that just generally felt positive or hopeful or just kind of acknowledge that human beings, although we are fundamentally awful, that we are capable of kindness and, you know, comforting each other. And I think definitely nobody wants to read about how the word really is. I mean, I'm in profound denial about how dreadful it all is. But still, it just leaks at you, doesn't it? But yeah, you're right. I mean, I will seek something uplifting. rather than the grimness. Because all I have to do is look at the headline of a newspaper. And it's like, thank you.

That's the entire month ruined for me. That was a terrible mistake looking at that. You see, and I do Sudoku's in the Times every day. And so, like, I have to do this thing where, like, I'm tapping, like, you know, like putting my finger on the machine. And I'm trying to get into the Times, but, like, avoiding any of the actual news. Try to find the bit where it says puzzles. And then once I get to the puzzles, but I'm going, okay, girl, I'm safe, I'm safe. But at the same time, words have jumped out and we like, Trump, you know, Putin, awfulness, terribleness.

And that's enough to kind of rattle me for the entire day. Now, we're talking about books. Okay. Now you're talking is the name of your podcast. Oh, no, no. Now you're asking. Fuck, shit. No, it's fine.

No, no, that's great because we can make a thing of it. No, I was really pleased with that segue. I know I was going to do it. And I actually formulated it in my head. Now, we're asking about books, but now you're talking. That's what I was good. No, I've fucking fucked it. Do it again. Do it again.

Do it again. Here's what you don't know as well, Marron. Before you came in, I messed up the intro loads. Like, I was messing up my words in the intro. So clearly something's happened in my brain today. No, I love you. I'm like that, you know. And look at how you berate yourself.

No, no, no. You have to be nicer to yourself. Yeah, yeah. We're all doing our best. And you are brilliant. Your head moves so fast. You are so clever and so witty. And this is what happens sometimes.

that like when you're like that just the words are all coming too fast and it's like a bottleneck trying to get them through your brain and out to your mouth and they just get mixed up It's like people trying to leave a stadium with James the words. Yes, that's exactly what it's like It is exactly what it's like

although if you are me and you travel with the Irish team or you know when you go to see the Irish team like in foreign place they lock us in till the local teams have left yes which is so mean because Irish football fans are delicious, you know. There was one place, where was it, Slovakia, which is on my list of like no-fly zones forever and ever again. They locked us in for hours afterwards.

And then they left us leave. They let us leave. And there was like men with machine guns watching us. We're like, excuse me, do you know who we are? We're Irish fans. They're treating you like your English. I'm afraid so. I think they got us mixed up.

So anyway, how did we get on to this? The bottleneck. Yes, the footbott. The bottleneck and before that we got into that because of the Now You're Asking. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Now You're asking is a podcast that you're doing with Tara Flynn. Yes. Do you know Tara? She's a comedian. We've never met Tara. No, never met Tara. Of course, I'm aware of Tara, absolutely. I've heard a name many, many times.

But tell us a bit about now you're asking. Okay, it's sort of, it's a problem show. So people are writing in with various kinds of deletraise. them. It's like, so it'll be like, I have just met a new fella and I am less young than I used to be. And what's the story with pubic hair? Like, for example, it would be one of the questions. That's a lot. That's a lot in one question, isn't it? It's a lot of backstory in the question. I know. I think it kind of gets straight to the heart of the issue. Yeah. But then others would be like, how many minutes should a tea bag be left in a cup before you have the perfect

cup of tea? This kind of business. And what's the story with pubic hair? Do they all end with And yeah, and also, yeah, P.S. Yeah, because that's what they really wanted to know, but they had to disguise it because they weren't as brave as the first person. Yeah, yeah, things like that. So, and like it's a mix of kind of fun stuff and really dark stuff. I mean, this poor woman wrote to us, I mean, she had been groomed by, I don't know what they're called in the Church of England.

Would be a vicar or a reverend or a, I don't. No. Anyway, when she was a child and a teenager, she was groomed by their local, whatever he was, Vicar Man. And as soon as she was 16, like, he waited until she was 16. And it's just, it's horrific. And she had never told anybody because her parents, our family were very into the church and to be trusted with her story. I mean, it was a huge privilege. So we're very, very careful and very aware of how vulnerable people are who write in. So it is amazing. of the dark and the light. And Tara's very funny. She's also very, very kind. And we record it in my front room. So it's very intimate and chatty. And maybe you know the producer, he's Steve Doherty.

And like he put me and Tara together. And the whole thing, you know, sometimes something beautiful just lands in your lap. Like it's, that's that. So we've done four series now and we're hoping that we'll be asked to do a fifth one. Well, what would you, if you had a question, Ed, they needed answer, because we can do one now. If you had something that, like, something that you need in your life. What is the story with pubic hair? Oh, Ed.

Not even doing the, not even giving the context like the first person did. No, I'm cutting to the heart of the issue. Come on, two sentences before. I don't think I haven't anything to ask. Well, Ed's actual thing with pubic hair is that he does trim his pubes, but he lets them grow out to a port. where he just says he looks like a woolly mammoth before he cuts them again. Is there a way that Ed can motivate himself

to keep on top of it more? That's a good question. Yes, that's a very good question. Don't ask me how I know that. I treat it like a sheep. Yeah, all right, then. So it's kind of seasonal. Yeah.

Well, I mean, you can't be shaving the sheep the whole time. You know, I mean, there's nothing there. Exactly. Yeah. You know, I would do a job. Yeah. I do a job lot.

Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what I do. Yeah, yeah. But James is suggesting this as an issue. Well, you've expressed it as an issue in the past. Well, I don't know whether, you know, it's difficult to know what's normal with that sort of thing, is it? Because people aren't as open as us three.

You could ask somebody, not me. Not you. Yes. That's a great response to a question. Yes. You should ask somebody. Not me. We're moving on.

Yeah, yeah. We have lots of questions for you, Marion. Of course. But they're all food-based questions. It's rare we get to the pubs before the food. So hopefully, when we're... ask you, would you like still a sparkling water? You don't say you should ask someone that.

Not me. Not me. Also, we're now in the dream restaurant and the last question you want to hear in the dream restaurant is what's the story with this pubic hair? Yeah. Yeah. No, that is true. Yes. I don't want any pubic hair with my steeler sparkling water. If that's okay. Of course. That's fine. I mean, I know it's an added extra.

But yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Just let's keep it simple. Someone came to my house the other day, a much older person and they left a pub on the toilet seat and it was the biggest pub I'd ever seen. Lord God. I thought, do your pubs get bigger

when you get older? I don't know. Ask somebody, not me. Really long. He's long. But undeniably a pub. Are you sure? Yeah.

100%. Much older person. Much older person. How old? Like 70s. Yeah. Longest pubs I've ever seen. Still a sparkling water, Marion.

I don't know, it depends. I mean, okay, I'll have sparkling because it's a special time. Because I don't drink, so I have to kind of take my thrills where I get. Yes. So, yeah, we go sparkling. I know I heard Emily Campbell saying that you're a psychopath if you pick sparkly water. But if I'm a psychopath, then bring it on.

So be it. So be it. Do you think you might be? Do you want to look at the rest of you? I'm always doing quizzes to see. if I am. And yeah, I do a lot of online quiz. I could easily be.

I could, yeah. But what do the quizzes say? You are? Yeah, they're saying, yeah, you could be, yeah. That's how you could be? Yeah. I think it's because I don't like dogs. It's not that I don't like them,

but I'm afraid of them. But if you say that, people are so judgy about the non-dog lover. Yes. Yeah, they're really quick to shunt you into the psychopath category, which I think is unfair. I think it shows insecurity on their part. Yeah.

I think, you know, like each to their own, whatever people love and like, great. But as soon as you like something and you say, anyone who doesn't like this thing is something wrong with them, you're like, okay. I think they're a psychopath for saying. They're psychopaths for saying I'm a psychopath. Or they're worried that like dog lovers get, because like dogs get viewed as more basic than cats and all of this. And that's just, you know, I've got cats, but I'm not thinking that that makes, yeah, that's better. I don't think old cats are this for sophisticated people and dogs are for idiots. And there's a coincidence there that I gestured towards Ed for cats who has a cat and Ben who has a dog for the dog.

But like, I don't think that. But I think some dog owners, like by Ben, think, oh, everyone must think I'm a right dummy because I love dogs so much because dogs are so easy to get the affection from, you know. But we don't think that. No, she said uncertainly. No, nobody is a psychopath for lichen or not lichen cats and dogs. Yeah, yeah. It's when, yeah. It depends why, I guess.

Yeah. No, I'm just, I'm afraid of dogs. Because I'm afraid of most things. Psychopaths aren't afraid. Psychopats aren't afraid. But they are, what's the word, superficially charming? And I think, I think I fall into that category. You're charming. You're very charming.

Yeah, it's a special. Thank you, Bush. It's superficial, do you know? I'm awful. That's a big thing to find out at the top of the interview. Yeah, straight away. It's all been a lie so far. It's all a sham.

Do you like other animals? I don't like any animals, no. Wow. I'm scared of them all. I'm either scared or I don't like them. I'm, yeah, I'm sort of scared of cats. I'm really sorry, but I don't like them either. It's okay. Yeah, and they don't like me. Yeah, we have a mutual antipathy. Have you had experiences where they've been shitty to you? They give me looks. Yeah. Kind of, they look at me and go, I see you. Oh, yeah. You and your superficial charm. Yeah. Cats often, though, if someone doesn't like cats, I've certainly found this with my cat. Oh, yeah, that they'll paw you. Then they'll be like, they'll be like, well, I'm sitting on you then. Yeah, they do. And sometimes they sit on the back of the couch and then they jump onto my shoulder.

And if you're afraid of things, that can be unpleasant. Yeah, something coming from behind you and sitting on your shoulder. Yeah, and then they turn around and they give me the look kind of. Gotcha. No, they're awful. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, cat lovers. No.

Please don't apologize. Sorry, lizard lovers. You aren't like lizards? Oh my God, no. No, I don't like anything like that. No. A single animal you would No, no

I like babies With that too Yeah Yeah that would do If a baby crawled onto your shoulder You're fine with it Oh I'd be thrilled No I would

I'd love that I'd love that Yeah Really? Oh god I'd love it Yeah I love babies Oh I love

Oh yeah I'd love a baby Who could talk Yeah Yeah I would Yeah A child

Well no a baby Yeah Yeah Because then you get to Snuggle them Yeah Yeah Anyway

A child isn't a baby that can talk at. Well, there's probably a point where a baby starts to talk before it's, you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. Like, there's a crossover point, isn't it? It's an almost toddler.

Would that be kind of where we're... Yeah. You still might go, look at this baby. Yes, infant, child. But also, they're saying some little words. Yeah, I love when they start talking. Yeah. Poplar on bread!

Poplar on bread! Oh, bread! You look so shocked at me. That's the first time you'd not been able to get through it. Because you looked at me like, what has happened? What have I done? Yeah, because I didn't hear, I didn't know what you were saying. Poplows on bread, Marion Keyes.

Bread. Bread. Bread. Bread, James. You looked genuinely, I've had someone look hurt by it before. No, no, I wasn't hurt. You looked like I'd hurt your feelings. No, no, I was confused. Also, you said you're scared of a lot of things.

I thought you were shouting abuse at me like people sometimes do in the street. So what I did hurt your feelings. That's what I was thought. No, no, no, I'm always interested. I want to know what it is that they're saying so that we could have a conversation. No, no, no. Bread, thank you very much. Who's shouting abuse at you in this?

What you know, just people. We'll beat him up. Oh, thank you. We're pretty tough. I stood up to Stephen Graham recently on the podcast when he came on the episode. He came on. Who's Stephen Graham? He's an actor.

He's like a real tough guy, or so he likes to think. Is he came on here? Is he from Liverpool? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know him. He's great. I stood up to him. Stop.

Yeah, it was on the podcast. All right. James got torn apart. Everyone's heard it. I've stood up to him on the podcast. Yeah, good, good, good, good, good. You know the phrase he tore him a new one? You know that phrase?

Well, it was my pleasure. Stephen tore James so many new ones. He was covered in bum holes. No. No. No. It was the other way round. Yeah, it's the other way round.

He was like a colander. You would like some bread. Bread. I'd like lots of bread. Thank you. Lovely. Any particular type of bread. If I only have to pick one, there's a hotel in Ireland called Hotel Europe.

It's in Kerry. And they have a treacle and Guinness bread, and I swear to God. I mean, I would just eat that for my entire dinner, but I realize I have to say other things as well. I really like bread. I really like bread and I really like butter. Bread and butter together. Like, you see, I have a funny relationship with food in that, like, I don't enjoy being hungry. And I like to move from the state of hungry to not hungry as quickly and efficiently as possible.

but I am the absolute opposite of a foodie. Like my idea of abject misery is, oh Christ, being like trapped in a restaurant having signed up to a nine-course tasting menu. It's like been taken hostage. Like, it is like, you know, and I just want the people outside to pay whatever the ransom is so that I can be allowed to go free. Because when the bread comes, I eat so much of it

that I've lost all interest in whatever comes afterwards. All right, so we'll stick with one bread for this because I have to say other things as well afterwards, isn't that correct? So when we serve you the bread, do you want us to try and sort of keep an eye on how much you're having? Limitish it, yeah, yeah, only maybe bring one piece. Okay. Yeah. And where's this place again?

It's in Calarney in County Kerry. It's called the Hotel Europe. I go every Easter with my brothers and sisters and their babbies and my mother and they have an Easter bunny hunt on a Sunday. And it's just, it's lovely. It's my happy, happy time. How do you feel about the Easter bunny, though? I mean, it's funny because the younger nieces and nephews cried their eyes out whenever it comes near.

But it usually has a basket of cream eggs and kinder eggs. So I like it for that. I think I will make eye contact with it while also trying to steal some of the things from the basket. Anything where there's an opportunity for chocolate or chocolate. sugar. I embrace. Yeah. So the Easter bunny is grand because although it is an animal, there are nice things associated with its arrival. So if Easter bunny, just you turn around on your shoulder? I wouldn't be delighted, but then I would look down to see if the basket was there and if the basket was there, then I would feel calm, calm, yes. But it scares the kitties.

Really does. It's so weird. They're terrified. Yeah. Like they cry. Like I've loads of photographs of them, like with the Easter Bunny with his arms around them, and they're crying their eyes out. Well, it's weird, because what would they imagine the Easter Bunny was like? Smaller, like an actual bunny size thing. Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely. Not this huge yolk with, like, ears that are like eight feet high. And it's all a bit mangy, the costume, because it's the same costume every year. You know, like, you can't be buying new ones. Like, Easter Bunny costumes aren't cheap, I'd imagine. And also, there's something weird going on with the eyes. I don't think the eyes on the bunny

is where the eyes are on the person. I think the person is looking out to the mouth. It's all a bit odd when you think about it. Yeah, yeah. But then they get the chocolate as well, so then they stop crying. Yeah, but that's not. It's not. It's not.

I mean, we sort of find it cute and funny. But it's not nice for the children, no. Yeah, that's why you're taking photos because it is funny. That's it. That's it, yes. It's traumatising for them. It is a bit, I suppose, yeah. But good for them. Yeah.

It's toughens them up. Is this bread warm? Oh, God, yes, please. Yes, thank you. And what sort of butter do you want with it? Just ordinary Irish Kerry Gold butter. Thank you. Yes.

That's our test to check our guests actually Irish. If they don't say Kerry Gold, we know they're lying. Yes, I am a fraud. I don't know how many guests from Ireland have not chosen Kerry Gold, but it's not many. Yeah. Okay, that's good. Do they really say it? That's so sweet.

Oh, yeah. Kerry Gold comes up a lot with our Irish guests. Yes. Nice. Like, you know, I'm as English as they come. But I'll lose respect for those people when an Irish guest comes on and doesn't choose Kerry Gold, I think,

you should be ashamed to yourself. You should be ashamed to yourself. Your dream starter. Okay, right. My husband makes it. I don't really know how to describe it. He's in the building, shout out. He is.

I have actually come with it written down somewhere. I might have to refer to me notes. It is a... You'll be able to hear this as well. Yes. He's in the next room. You can hear it. Okay.

It is called a tomato and rinketown. ricotta salad with coriander seed and lemon oil. But that sounds really kind of dull. These are lovely tomatoes. They're heritage tomatoes. Like they're funny, round colours, purple, yellow. And they taste of things. You know the way like most tomatoes taste of cotton wool?

These actually have a flavour. And it says ricotta cheese here, but it's not. He uses, oh, God. Manchego. Manchego. Yeah, nice. Yeah, which is a hard Spanish. cheese and then he does

sourdough croutons soaked in olive oil and they're honest to God and he does some funny sort of tomatoy reduction business and it's so delicious. What's the is there lettuce in it and stuff? No, it's just the tomatoes and the

croutons and then the other things thrown over. There's basil and maybe spring onion sometimes but he's one of these people who does he does things with whatever's in the fridge you know. Great. You need someone like that in the house. Because it's not me. It's really not. That's brilliant. It's like a fancy elevated caprazy salad. It is. I love it. Yes. I love the coriander seed in there sounds

incredible. Yeah, because he toasts them. He's one of these people that does all those things where it makes me really anxious. If I have to do more than two things at once, I just kind of short circuit and I can't do anything and I have to sit and cry while the people who are expected come over and there's nothing for them to eat. eat. I'm just not that person. Also, I love a salad where every ingredient, I'm like, I'd look forward to eating that bit. Yes. Because so many salads sometimes. If there's cheese in other salads, I'm like, let's be honest, I'm picking through and finding the cheese. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You're exactly right. It is one of those kind of, it's like a dual box and everything is

delicious and fresh and tastes of things. That sounds so good. And good tomatoes are very hard to find. They are. They are hard to find. As is a fella, how did you meet? You're gorgeous. Yeah, yeah. You're on fire now, mate. Okay. I loved it. I loved it. Another, another seamless segue. There's a cue in the stadium now for people to get out. It's gone very ordered, hasn't it? It's really, people are so open. And everyone is just so happy to do it as you say. Okay, my flatmate worked with him. This is 4,000 years ago. This is a very long time ago. I'm with him for 30 years. And he is lovely. He's really, really nice to me, which is rare than you might think. And we have great fun. And when I met him, he had a fabulous job and I had a

crappy one. And then my books got published. And he gave up his fabulous job. And he is my assistant. Also my chef, my personal chef. Yeah, great. You can have those salads whatever you want. Whenever I want. Exactly. You go. Yes. I ring down in the morning and and I say my order for the day. Yeah. And then he goes to the shops. He doesn't and buys the things. No. No. No. It's not like that.

I used to think I had my dream job. But now I've realised my dream job is my wife becoming a worldwide smash novelist and me becoming her personal chef. Yeah. That's it. You like that? That's what I want to do now. Do you have any advice for Ed's wife how to become a renowned novelist? Well, if she could write some books, that would probably be a star.

be a good start, wouldn't it? Ask somebody, not me. No, I mean, yeah, like anyone who wants to write, there are no kind of, you don't need anyone's permission. I think I just want to cook more, I think that's what. Oh, really? Okay, well, that's lovely. Yeah, yeah, I'll just cook for her more. Yeah.

Doesn't matter if she's a novelist or not. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It doesn't. Yeah, it's true. She's got a hold of her end of the deal. Yeah. A bit novelist.

Does she have a job? Yes, she does. Oh, but this is fine. This is fine. You cook. Yeah, I should do her job. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's fine.

But you got to quit your job. Oh, yeah, good point. I've got to quit my job. Would you mind? You can do it now to Benito. I guess, yeah. How did you notice now? I think I would mind maybe quitting my job.

Okay. Then don't. Okay. Yeah. Just cook more. Just cook a bit more. Yes. We don't have to go to the extremes every time.

No. No, we can just do things in a smaller way. We can just find our eyes. way with it. We don't have to do exactly what you and your husband did. We don't. We don't. Exactly. I thought I was going to get him to quit. I thought I could do it. Yeah, yeah. I thought could get him to hand his notice in to Ben. Come now. No, the pair of you are beautiful together. The three of you. Not the three of you. He's fucking up a week. He's been fucking up a week, Maria.

Your dream main course. Okay. I don't eat meat or fish. Not for any. reasons other than they give me the ache. And it's very, very difficult. You're holding up this thing about animals here. Yeah. Off the board. Yeah. Anything that reminds me that they were once alive and swimming around or running around just stresses me terribly. But it's really hard to be a vegetarian because the only thing they ever give you is mushrooms. And I also hate mushrooms. They taste like death. They taste like sort of mulch. And like they've been buried in forest with rotting leaves above them.

It's just miserable. Anyway, there's a place in Ireland called Woodruff. It's a restaurant in Dublin. And they do a thing with butternut squash where they roast the butternut squash in a sort of a dry stew

with chickpeas. Now, I know this sounds maybe not thrilling, but it is delicious. And they use, hang on, Clisino, Rass el Hanut, some sort of collection

of Moroccan spices, I think. And it is on it, they roast the squash so that it is almost sweet and it's all gone sort of caramelised and it's honest to God and it is so soft and fabulous it's a pleasure to eat instead of kind of the misery of vegetarian food which is usually such a kind of an afterthought and this place this woodruff place

they also do meaty things like I mean see my husband really anything and kind of the more awful the better like we were in Estonia and he ate bear and we were in France and they had this thing on the menu that we eventually translated as Coxcomb you know the thing on the rooster's head Oh yeah, a chicken hat?

A chicken hat, exactly. Yeah. I didn't know you could eat the chicken hat. Yeah, well neither did we until we saw it there and so he ordered it and it caused like a sensation in the restaurant like all the French people came out to talk to him and you know first of all the matri d had

come out and persuade him not to have it and then the manager of the whole hotel came out and tried to talk him down and then when it finally came and he was eating it like everyone like the kitchen porters like people came in from the streets to watch the roast beef eating

the disgusting French chicken hat but anyway Woodruff they don't exactly do that but they do other things like well duck I suppose doesn't seem that kind of revolutionary but it kind of is repulsive to me

or what's that other thing venison you know they do that as well they do nice things for meat eaters as what I'm trying to say but they don't leave the likes of me behind so what will we call it

squat with chickpea soup yeah with that sounds great with rassanah and it's roasted because the whole thing is roasted I haven't mostly

a bone nuts quashing a while that was all I used to be doing that pretty regularly and having a good old time they're a bugger to chop up though and to pee like initially Yeah, they are.

That first cut into a butternut squash is... Yeah, it's really difficult. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which is why you should go to Woodruff. I am not in the pay of these people at all. They're just, they're nice. It's a nice small restaurant where they do like lovely, lovely food.

And they're nice to you. And they play lovely music. What kind of music we're talking? Well, the jam and that sort of thing. They play the jam. Yeah, the jam. And kind of 80s, good 80s. is music, you know?

Is that important to you in a restaurant setting, the music? Well, yeah. I mean, it's awful to have sort of muzac on. But it is really nice. The cure is another one they play. You know, you're sitting there, oh my God, I remember this. Yeah, it kind of adds to the whole. It uplifts me.

You know, I remember what it was like being 20 and, yeah, I do. Do you ever listen to the music when you're writing? I'm sure you've been asked this a lot. Yeah, I don't. Does it ever inspire you? Sometimes. It depends on what I'm writing. Not really, to be honest with you.

It's just that I don't really notice it. I just kind of go into my own head. Like I don't need silence or anything like that. But it's not really part of the experience either. When it comes to something like the Walsh Sisters, which is going to have music in there somewhere for TV shows, do you think like, oh, okay, that book that I wrote, what music do I think would fit with that world?

And can I, like, you know, throw some of my ideas. There was a little bit in both my favourite mistake and the previous book, again, Rachel, because both of them featured these men who used to be, they called them the real men, who used to listen to a lot of Led Zeppelin and stuff because they were just, you know, that type, stuck in the past. And so I did, I listened to some, and to some, who do you call them, the Doobie Brothers, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it did kind of conjure up like what they looked like. But I would really like to talk about the music for the TV.

show if you would be of interested. Do you know C, Matt? Yes, we had her on the podcast. She started in this podcast. Oh, my God. And did she choose Kerry Gold? Of course, she did. She may well have done.

That woman is a goddess. Okay, she wrote a song and one of the lines in it was the Marion Keys of it all. And I am a not young and she is a young. And I was so thrilled that she knew about me.

And then I listened to her. And like, I just, I had love her so much. I love her attitude and I love her energy and her and she's positive and she's fearless and I mean, she's an absolute star. But anyway, so they were talking the producers of the TV show about, you know, using music for the episodes and hopefully Irish musicians. So she and I had become pals and so I asked her if she would allow one of her songs, maybe the Marion Keyes song to be used. And she said she would be thrilled and Now there is talk that she might write an actual special new song for.

I know. I know. That's not really what you asked me, but it was something that I really enjoyed. Yeah. Like, talks about it. It's so exciting because she is just, she's just remarkable. She's a complete one-off and I love her. And kind of anyone who has encountered her in any way seems to love her.

She's just beautiful energy. Did you see, Sima, on the George Holland Houtenan? I didn't because I didn't. Yeah, because it's on too late. But like, yeah, I didn't. But I'm so glad because that seemed to have converted an awful lot of people who didn't know about her. Well, I mean, we were watching it.

And we knew, obviously, we interviewed her, knew of her music anyway. But this is going to sound like I'm slagging off everyone else on the Hootern Annie. And I basically am. She was so much better than everyone else in a way that was quite embarrassing for everyone else. That's what I'll say. And if Bob Geldof wants to come at me,

will. Never mind him. Your dream side dish. Oh, okay, right. How do we? Hassel back potatoes. I nearly jumped in and said Hoff and then I thought, leave it a line. That's what I nearly said.

No, I nearly said. Hassel Hoff. Yeah. Thank God I didn't. Yeah. Hassel back potatoes. Now, do you know what they are? I think you do.

Great. Please, for the lesson of that. Yeah, okay, right. They are a potato, and they have loads and loads of tiny thin slices cut into them. But the bottom of the potato is still intact. So it's kind of like a little fan, a little accordion. And into the little pleats, you put like tons of butter, Kerrygold, of course. And you can do, I mean, you can do other things.

You can do beetroot like that as well. But like, I mean, why would you when you could do a potato? I would love that so much. Heavily seasoned? With salt. Yeah. There's no need for the pepper, thanks. Okay. Not a fan of the pepper? I don't mind it, but I think potatoes leave them alone. Salt and butter is all you need. You know, why ruin something that's already magnificent? Perfect. Yeah. What sort of size potato are you? Oh, very big one. Very big. Massive one. Massive. Massive. But a foot long, if it's all possible. And very, very, very slender slices. Yeah. If the hassleback potato comes along, I want to.

see the seasoning on it. I want there to be like, the more slices the better. Yes. Yes. And I want there to be crispy little bits of seasoning all over. Those crystals of salt. Not the kind of the minuscule, mingy table salt. You want some of that Himalayan pink salt. Yeah.

You know. Great big handfuls of it. Yeah. That's it with the colour. So you're having Kerry Gold butter in every little slit? Every single one. Thank you. So you can get a pack of butter in there. Easily. Oh, easy. That would be the dream. Yeah. Well, this is the dream. Is there a place where you've had the best Hasselback potatoes.

I know this is going to sound and I'm really sorry yet. My husband is fantastic at this sort of thing. I'm going to have to do make one tonight. This guy. You keep up with this guy? This guy's leaving me in the goddamn dust. No, it's just inspiration.

Yeah. Come on. Come on. Tell us if it's some of the things you've made. Please, come on. Yeah. Come on. Chicken. I know, chicken. Say it again. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Roast chicken. You cannot be a lovely roast chicken, so I'm told. Lamb.

A little lamb. Lamb. So I have lamb can be lovely, so I'm told. Slow cooked lamb. Yeah, slow cooked lamb. What about some of your veggie stuff? Yeah. But like, now you're asking. Oh, yeah, we talked with Mirosoda about it.

Lois from Mirasota's book. It's a tomato curry. Tomato curry? Yeah, yeah. Tomato curry? Yeah, yeah. Tell me. Yeah.

How do you do it? Come on now. Don't be shy. It's quite a complicated recipe because you have to have two pans going at the same time and then mix them. All right. But, yeah. It's delicious. Not everyone can do that.

Of course. Not everything. Dan noodles. Yeah. Yeah. With a lot of tahini and black vinegar and soy. You're really good at this, aren't you? A lot of tahini.

Oh God. Tahini is the most wonderful thing. Yeah. But to have two pans going at the same time, I mean, that's elite stuff. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Did your husband do that? I don't think he can, you know.

I don't think he can. He's a one pan. He's a one pan, man. Yeah. See, and you're a two pan man. Yes. You see? Yeah.

You're a fabulous. Thank you. Thank you, Mary. If I would trust a one-pan man more than a two-pan man. What are you talking about? I think one's not enough for this guy. No, I love the show of dexterity with the two-pan man. A two-pan man might get bored in a monogamous relationship.

I'm a two-pan man, one-man band. Do you want David Hasselhoff there? Oh, God, I'd really rather not your mind. I was in a room with them once. Yeah? He was singing a song, it was very odd. It's like the one about his car? Do you remember that one?

Did he do that on the Berlin Wall? Stop. Well, he played in Berlin the day the wall came down, right? Because he's massive in Germany. He's massive in Germany, yeah, yeah, yeah. I shouldn't be mean about the chap. No, no, no, no, it's fine. I wish him well, I wish him well.

Yeah. But no, I'm grand... He doesn't have to be there. No, just the potatoes themselves are fine. Yes. So you sing one of his own songs in a room with you? Yeah. Where was this room?

A green room. Was it a gig? Was it a gig? Did you go to a David Hasselhoff gig? Not! I thought we were. No, I was in a TV studio And we were on a show in Ireland

And then the show stopped running You know, the camera stopped It was the end, you know? And the next thing he grabs a microphone And has some words with the band And he's up singing And again, it was a hostage situation It felt like, you know, that we were all trapped

And we all had to kind of look delighted And I just wanted to go home Because I was tired But I had to look delighted and wait for the song to end. It was nothing against him in particular. It's just that I didn't grab the mic and have a word with the band and start singing.

You have to make it okay with people if you're going to do that, I think. And sense the vibe in the room. Read the room. The room was tired and wanted to go home. Did he think the audience was tired? Oh no. I thought the audience were delighted.

Maybe the audience were delighted. I think with that stuff, like I think that I would never do that because I would think of it as like like you've already done your interview James you don't need them to pay even more attention to you just get over it also it's self-awareness isn't it

yeah he should be thinking I'm David Hasselhoff I'm not Bruce Springsteen maybe yeah yeah do people want to hear of this yeah yeah but then I think if I'm in the audience and I'm not in this world all the time

and I've gone to see the TV show and I didn't know there'd be so much stopping and starting with the TV show and wait a wait a second everyone and the warm up coming out again and you're there for hours. And then David Hasselhoff got up and sang with a band. I might be pretty delighted with it.

Yeah. They probably were. And I'm just a chromogen. No, I don't, I'd feel the same as you. I'll be like, oh, fuck this guy. I'd be worse than you. But like... I think it's a really good point, though.

Yeah, the audience probably were delighted. But then I'd think if he thinks the audience would be delighted about this, even more egotistic. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but some people do. I mean, yeah, it takes all sorts of. The other thing is Bruce probably wouldn't Because Bruce is sound

Bruce knows who Bruce is I love Bruce He says Bruce says the best place is The best place, his favourite place to gig in the world is Ireland Bruce says Yeah Stop it Favorite place in the world to do shows

Did you know that? I didn't But I'm very very pleased The boss What would you do if he met David Hasselhoff And he turned around He had loads of slits down his back And there was stuff with butter

and covering in big salt crystals. No, I'd leave him to it. You do, you, David. Good, aren't you? Yeah. Imagine that is the scene in Baywatch when he's like running down the beach and then they show it from the back.

Yeah, and they go, what the fuck? Yeah, and then he runs into the sea and it's the most painful thing in the world. Yeah. Yeah, because he's all hassled back to his hassle off. Yes. It could happen. It could happen.

Your dream drink. Right. as I said, I don't drink and this makes me sound so joyless but I'm really happy with water you see when you don't drink and you say to the man sorry I'm fine I don't drink

and then there's a kind of a weird moment and they're like what's wrong with her and no like always you know and then I have to say it's all right I'm a recovering alcoholic and then the you know she said it

and then you see because the poor feckers like they're trying to upsell, like I am no good to them with my tap water. I mean, it doesn't have to be tap water, but whatever. And so we can do some lovely mocktails for you. And I don't want a mocktail because I just, I'm happy with my water. But I usually let them do it because I don't want them to be down to tenor, you know, or whatever. So they usually make me something with ginger or what's that other thing? Rosemary. I'll say words. I'll say words or they might say words to me. and I don't really listen because this is a done deal whatever is going to happen they're going to make me a mocktail

and I'm going to drink it or some of it anyway so they would bring me a mocktail with things hanging out of it like a sprig of rosemary or maybe like a you know some sort of branch you know part of an ash tree

and fruit maybe some a melon maybe or things that you know and a whole melon a whole melon and a straw because I ask for a straw because you might as well like if you're doing it

do it properly and so they would bring me it and I will drink it And, but I have no interest in it, you know, but I will do it because I don't want them to be short of money. I don't want to be that, you know, because everybody comes in and they think they're going to make X amount of money out of each person. And then suddenly you have like the non-drinker and like suddenly all the calculations are thrown into disarray. So I know my role in the whole the restaurant ecosystem. So yeah.

So I will have a mocktail, but I don't really care what it is. because I'm only drinking it to be polite. Well, you don't need to do that at the dream restaurant. Okay, well, then I won't have any. If that's okay with you, I'm happy with my water. I'll put the melon away. I'll put the ashtree away. But the ash tree might be nice in the water.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah. No, I'm really, really happy with the water. I mean, I know it sounds odd, but I like water. I think it's odd. Because, like, you can get alcoholic drinks that aren't too sweet. Non-alcoholic drinks are all pretty sweet.

They don't really have ones that aren't crazy. Crazy sweet. And you don't want to be just constantly drinking sweet drinks all the time. Yeah, like I don't. Like, it does do your head in. Whenever I have a break from alcohol, I'm like, these soft drinks are really, like, this is getting ridiculous. How sweet all this stuff is. Yeah.

It's so sugary. And what about the non-alcoholic beers and wines and that? Do you drink them? I haven't found a good one, really. And in the past, I've said it on the podcast before, when people have sent me alcohol-free stuff, I've chucked alcohol in there. Added whiskey to an alcohol-free beer And that's one of the things I did during lockdown One of the nicest drinks

I loved it But I knew that I wasn't really playing the game Yeah It's intended to be played Yeah Yeah But yeah I haven't found a good alcohol-free beer

Have you? You see I don't I can't Like even anything that replicates The drinking experience isn't isn't good for me So I don't But I'm happy with my water

Yeah Well look This is this is going to be your drink In a dream restaurant then Thank you So you're sticking with sparkling? Well, I change, just to mix it up a bit. Yeah, after my main course.

Yeah, I'll go into my dessert water. Yes, we'll have it still. Yeah. Do you want tap water at some point as well? Not really, to be honest. I mean, I do have kind of aspirations. I would like it to be like proper mineral water. Would that be all right?

Of course. Of course it would be. Thank you. We did one tap to not get a shout out. A wedge of citrus? Oh, God, some lime. Some lime. Some lime would be lovely.

Some lemon, absolutely not. really there's a huge difference I don't understand when people say they're the same they're not who's saying they're the same loads of people yeah well they're ridiculous you ask for lime and they give you lemon it's like no lemon is cruel and harsh

and lime is friendly and sweeter and just better people people who think they're the same sorry I went all high pitch there yeah what a wonderful moment to be here when your voice broke yeah finally it's happened

my voice broke maybe that pub was yours I wish that's next next I'll start growing there that's why it looks so big to me

I ain't got none I never got any to compare it to I was like what a huge pub and everyone else was like it's pretty normal size

it's pretty normal size pub oh yeah I mean normal I'm in normal I'm trying to pretend well

I mean I've said this on the podcast before a number of times what I was like telling guests. One of my earliest bits of comedy material was I used to go on stage and say, hey, do you remember when you didn't have pubes yet, but you told everyone to school that you did

and got nothing. Jetly silence. Nothing every time. I thought it was a world-wide. I would have thought that was a great icebreaker. I thought it was an observation. I thought we all lied about having pubes. But it's still a good bit

because it tells the audience something about you rather than being universal observation. It wasn't something they wanted to know, I don't think. They were just too ashamed to admit. Do you put things into your book sometimes where you think,

everyone does this, this is universal and then you discover when the book comes out maybe in interviews, oh, that's just me. What's that all about? Yeah, that's mortifying. Are you able to just be like, well, that was the character? Exactly. That's exactly what I say. Yeah. I mean, they develop a life of their own, I say.

I mean, I'm really not responsible for most of their actions or words. We arrive at your dream dessert. Now, I feel quite good about this. because you said earlier that, you know, anything chocolate-e, you're all over it. So I know that we're going to have a sweet dessert. We're not going to have anything. Okay.

Okay. No, God, no, no, not a cheeseboard at all. Okay, it's an unusual one. It's the trifle that my mother makes. The only thing is she only makes it once a year now and she makes it at Christmas and she puts sherry into it just to be cruel so that I can't have it. So I would like to have the trifle without the sherry. I mean, they have about 40 desserts at Christmas, all of them,

and they're all langers by 10 o'clock in the morning. And like, and I come. And like, I am in good form. I am completely sober. And they won't even let me have one thing, the trifle for me. So that's what I'd like. I would like to have my mother's trifle, especially made for me. Yeah.

What would be a good, there must be a good replacement for the sherry in there, like a non-alcoholic replacement. Surely? Yeah, like fruit juice or something like that. I mean, they're all so drunk, it doesn't matter. They can't taste it anyway. Yeah. But she just does it to be defiant.

Yeah. Yeah. And also it's like in her mind she makes this thing every year. It's the tradition. Why does she change it? Yeah. And she only makes one thing a year now, you know. But yeah, that's what I'd like.

I'd love it because I miss it because it's like really delicious and really comforting. Like, you know, there's, God, I love custard, you know, and I love cream and jelly. And like all the things, the cake, everything. I would really, really like it. And then maybe some chocolate sauce. Oh, yeah, put just drizzled on top of it. Yes, yes. What's your favourite element of the trifle?

The custard. Oh, yeah, sorry. No, go on. I'll ask the next question afterwards because I'm going to hear about the custard first. I mean, I love, love, love. It's the ultimate comfort food. set custard runy custard, hot custard

cold custard any custard yeah it's just really really nice and if you could be any element of the trifle which element would you be

maybe it's the one that you relate to the most maybe it's the one you aspirationally would like to be okay I'd like to be the cream I think especially you know that squirty cream that comes out of a can

you see like the way it would go on the top of the trifle it would look kind of very decorative immediately like putting it on with a spoon and then trying to smooth the surface and all. You're already getting peaks and valleys and it looks like a snow place. I'd like that. You'd like to be the cream.

I would like to be the cream because it is superficially attractive. So, let's see if this. It's the psychopath of the truth. It's the psychopath aspect, yes, exactly. We've had guests choose trifle before. Have you? Harry Hill, Jamie Oliver, Jamali Maddox, and some other ones that I'm... Can you just remember this on the top of your head?

Yeah, this is insane. I can't remember this. Remember those three. Yeah. Amanda Eonucci. Stop at you. Asper Khan. Amy Gladhill. Oh my God.

So normally... I'm in good company here. Yeah, you are. That's a very, very good company, yeah. I'd ask people that if they were layered up like a trifle with the other people who had chosen the trifle, what order would they be layered up? It's quite a weird pervert question. Yeah. Who would you want to be in between? If I layered all those people up like a trifle, including yourself.

Marion's the cream, so she's on top. No, no, I'm willing to change. Okay, I'm fierce fond of Steve Coogan And I can't pronounce his name Amandau Ianucci Yeah, I love his work I just think he's, I think they're both so clever I'd be delighted to be a sandwich

Yeah, yeah With them They do a lot of projects together So they might be talking across you About a project they've got They've just end up to Strangeloved on the West End They do partridge together Right, I see,

Are you going to be able to put up with that if they're either side of you throwing back before five years? I'd love it. I would find it so interesting. I'd be honoured. I'm like, I don't have to say anything. I can just be there. I can be like, I don't know, a thin layer of jelly.

You know, I don't mind. I know my place and the ecosystem. Like, I'd be delighted. I think they'd be delighted as well. Yeah, yeah. So you want this trifle but without the sherry. Yes, thanks. We know your husband's in the building.

Yes. Shout out. He will now, surely. as your personal chef, be plotting making a trifle recipe without the sherry? And if he did that, would you enjoy it as much as your mother's trifle? Probably not, to be honest. And this is no shade on him. It's just because it kind of, it's a substitute for love. And yeah, it would feel like love if my mother made it. My mother is a school of tough love kind of love person. Yeah. And she mostly shows her love to me by suggesting I go to the doctor. And it's funny because, yeah, like, you know, with all the books and everything,

it's kind of not anything that she's interested in. But any time I have a cough or anything like that, she's like, oh, Marion, you have a cough. Do you want to go to the doctor with that? And I think, oh, God, that's lovely guant. And, you know, so that she'll be nice to me. So, yeah, but having the trifle would feel like another version of that. So, yeah, yeah. It's not really about the trifle.

Yeah. It's not about the trifle at all, you know. You get enough love. Your husband. Yeah, he loves me anyway. I know he loves me. Yeah, no, exactly. Whereas my mother, I would love that.

Yeah. Well, there you go. See, that was Ed there trying to set your husband up for failure. Because he's feeling so against. I think it was. I think it was just either was a good question. It feels like he's a competition with your husband. It was about family dynamics and the psychology of the relationship.

What does the trifle actually represent? And we're representing love. Yeah. And a husband, a husband can't offer a mother's love. That man is a genius. You need a podcast doing that sort of thing on, you know. Something a bit more serious. He's quick.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. A different podcast to this one, which is magnificent. But another one where you would also be magnificent talking about family dynamics. Yeah. And love what people really want, what people mean when they say or what they're asking for when they ask for something. Yes.

they're really asking for. And it's going to be called Mommy's Trifle. Oh, yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah. You should do it together? No. Ask somebody, not me. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, you work that out all by yourself. You've created that role for yourself all by yourself. I would love to do a really serious podcast about families. Do you produce it beneath her? Is shaking his head. Yeah. But you wouldn't. I read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it? Thank you. You would like Sparkling. water. You would like Treatling Guinness Bread warm from the hotel

Europe in Kalani. Sorry, I burped into the microphone with Kerry bold butter. I won't read that again. You can't be on

Mummy's trifle. Why would I not be on Mummy's trifle? You can't burp during Mummy's trifle. But you got to be as serious and Yeah, but you could

assess what empathic guest? What does that burp mean? What does the burp mean? What are you trying to say? What in your body needs to come out?

Yeah, what was it that I was struggling with them. Well, all the words are in because I had to say the word Europe and it reminded

Oh, you see, you see, look where we are. Yeah. This got very deep, very fast. Yeah. Thanks to Dr. Ed. He didn't do anything. You think I didn't do anything. Uh-huh.

You're the facilitator. Yeah. It's the facilitator's job to just be kind of invisible. Yes. Yeah. Starter, you would like your husband's tomato and ricotta salad, or it's not ricotta, it's manchego. We have coriander seeds and lemon oil. Main course, you would like roast butternut squash with chickpea stew and Razza.

Hasel Hanouche Hanouche From Woodruff in Dublin Side dish Your husband's Hasselbacked potatoes With Kerry Gold again

Making a second appearance Drink Happy with still water at this time With lime With the wedge of lime Dessert your mother's trifle Without the sherry With some chocolate sauce

Drizzled over it Perfect Beautiful Thank you so much That's a lovely lovely menu That does sound nice That sounds very tasty I'd eat that

Yeah Can we request that you work into one of your books like a character having that meal and then just as a little Easter egg for fans? Yes, I can try. Okay, I can try.

I can try. So it could just be, and then they ate this. You know, you know what's happening now is the exact discussion we talked about that you have with your editors? Yes.

That's happening now. Could you work that into your book and you've gone, yeah, yeah, I'll try, yeah, yeah. Never going to happen. Yeah, and I've gone home feeling great. Have you not going to happen yet, in all honesty, yes.

But thank you for asking. Yeah, it's a pleasure. Now you're asking. Now you are asking. Now you're asking. Now he was asking. I don't do my own podcast. If I's going off and doing his own one, I'm doing my one called Now I'm asking.

Yeah. But I ask the questions that I want you to answer on your podcast. Okay. So it's just me asking questions for an hour. Okay. And I'll put that out every week. Yeah. I'll listen to yours and see if, okay.

And see if, yeah, if we can. Okay. And you'll answer a third of them. And James knows that, which is why he asks three times as many. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So we all understand what's really going on.

Can't wait. Top the podcast charts. Number two under Mummy's Trifle. Marriad, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant. It was so much fun. Thank you for having me. It was great. Well, there we are, James.

What a wonderful episode. Wonderful. you wonderful stories yeah I loved it I mean also I like to talk about now you're asking the podcast that Marian does with Tara Flynn and very much

looking forward to the Walsh sisters coming out the BBC drama keep an eye out because they're filming it now we don't have a date they're filming it now as we're talking they're filming it in Dublin and of course go and get your copy of my favorite mistake yes absolutely we can talk about all that stuff

because Marion didn't say Tamingto Didn't say to Minto, so we didn't have to kick her out at the restaurant, of course. And we had a lovely chat with her husband afterwards who we'd heard so much about in the episode. And Ed was holding on to him and going, teach me. Teach me your ways. I want to be like you. I want to cook more. Yeah, I want to cook more.

How do you do it? Yes. Are you going to make that salad, Ed? Yeah, I think so I need to go and find some really good tomatoes. Achievable. Yeah. I need to go and, I mean, I'm so bad at knowing when the seasons are for things. Yeah, sure.

When are the tomatoes good? One of the heritage tomatoes. Yeah, baby. They are the best, but they look so great. I know exactly how Maren described it. I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want one of those right now.

All baby. Oh, baby. I want a tomato that's so good, you can eat it like an apple. Yeah, that would be good. Eat it like a little apple, walk around. Should you walk around and public eating that like an apple? Maybe not. It'd be quite messy, I think, to...

Yeah. It's difficult to eat it. An apple and the rest of the hand fruits are that you can walk where. They're portable, right? And then you throw away the core. for a sudden not everyone does not everyone people eat the core we've talked about it before

people eat the core and like but also it's been a while since I've heard the mortar referred to as hand fruits and it was very nice to hear that I think it's a bit

in family guy you know and it's just really stuck with me something about a strawberry being so big but you love family guy eat it like a hand fruit first two seasons yeah

blew me away stand by it I think I was the right age for it then as well yeah no it's funny it's talking baby yeah Yeah, come on

People forget that when that came out That was wild Yeah, we talked about Talking baby earlier In this episode The Simpsons didn't dare Make that baby talk No, no

Family guy, they're crossing the line They were stuck trying to think Of what do we do with this Non-talking baby We've got Family guy, whole character Give it a voice Yeah

Thank you to Marion And we will be back next week We will be back next week We will be back next week Thank you.