Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Mark Gatiss

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

Mark Gatiss – 1/4 of The League of Gentlemen, Bafta-winner, co-creator and star of ‘Sherlock’ – has a booking at the Dream Restaurant this week. And he makes James his chip b*tch. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts you can now watch this episode too.Mark Gatiss created and stars in ‘Bookish’ and series 2 starts on U&alibi on Wed 26 Aug, and stream on U. Follow Mark on Instagram @themarkgatiss Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking a fistful of the free peanuts at five guys, cracking those little bastards open and gobbling on the podcast insides. There's four guys on this podcast, though. Yeah. We have a guest. Yeah, we have a guest, and Benito's here too. That is a gamble. My name is James Akeaster.

Together we own a dream restaurant every single week. We invite a guest asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Mark Gates is the fourth guy. National Traj. Fourth guy in this podcast. Fourth guy in this podcast. He has been part of a group of four guys, of course. James Ed Benito.

Mark Gaitis. National Trej, a part of four guys. League of Gentlemen. Yeah. Co-wrote and created Sherlock. Absolute classic. I mean, the man has achieved so much, James. A huge part of our comedy upbringing, you've got to say.

Massive part. With the league. I mean, League of Gentlemen, me and my friends basically learnt their live. at Drury Lane, DVD off by heart. We're quoting it all the time. Pretty much has spoke exclusively in quotes from that show. Went to see them on their next tour as well. Really formative experience.

We watched the film at the Ketrinodian, which has now been bulldozed. We were huge League of Gentlemen fans, and this is the second League of Gentlemen alum. Yes. We've got to get Pembors on as well. We've got to complete that. What's Dyson, Chump Lever?

No, the performing trio, I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're never getting. Dyson, we love you, but he's not going to want to come on this. Dyson didn't even play himself in the film. Yeah, yeah. So there's no way we're going to get Dyson. No.

You know, my... Reverse psychology, if he's listening. Yeah. And of course, Mark is still knocking it out at the park with Bookish. Yes. His second series is out on the 26th of August. On You and Alibi. A fantastic show. We're going to talk to Mark more about that. Yes. Rave reviews.

Mark wrote and stars in it. We're going to hear more about that. from Mark, and maybe that'll be all we hear from Mark, because if Mark picks the secret ingredient, we will have to kick Mark out. And this week... It doesn't feel like he's going to pick this one. If he does, though, it's the first thing he's going to say,

and he'll be out. So it might be that we have time to talk about bookish, and that's it. This week, the secret ingredient is... Fluoride in water. As mentioned by Brian Cox, Brackett's actor, he made some claims about... This is our retraction of claims made on that episode. about fluoride in water causing medical problems.

We didn't know about the research. You've got to nod along with Brian Cox. We weren't co-signing it. No, we weren't co-signing it, but we just sort of... No, co-sign anything that man said in that episode. Fuck off. Fuck off. I co-signed that.

Yeah. So it's on there, but that's not true. But if Mark picks fluoride in water, boy, boy, there will be a medical reaction to it then. Yeah, yeah. The most painful reaction will be, you're at the dream restaurant, and you die. Oh, hold on a second. That's what happens when we kick people out.

I don't know they died. Jade Adams dead. Well, it's because the dream restaurant hovers in space. Oh, my God. So we actually, when we kick people out, then they're dead. It's like much of a bigger deal than I didn't know they die. Yeah, they die. So if you get kicked out, you die.

Yeah, yeah. Jade is dead. Wow. Jade is dead. Yeah. I guess we never really reflected on that when it happened. But rest in peace to Jade Adams. Yeah.

Didn't know that we killed her when we chucked about the dream restaurant. She picked hundreds of thousands and now she's in hundreds of thousands of pieces. Oh my God. Yeah. Jade. Yeah. Well, she blew up in space. The People's Princess.

We lost the two soon. Let's hope that doesn't happen. To Mark Gators. Yeah. I guess I don't even want to start this episode now in case we end up killing a national treasure. Look, if you pick Florida and Worcester, it's his own fault. Okay. Yeah.

Agreed. I'm on tour. X on tour. Fresh hell. January 2027. Brilliant. Thank you. Can't wait to see it.

Ed Gamble.combe.com. It's a laugh riot. I guess, you know, my tour's finished. I imagine to be listening to this. This is the off-menu menu, of Mark Gaitis. Welcome, Mark, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hey, thanks. Welcome Mark Gaiters to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. That's more like it. I know you've asked before. I've never been free. First thing's first. I don't eat food. I've got a condition

All I can have is a sort of brown paste Yeah Well that's, we can talk about your dream brown paste There's loads of different types Yeah, different shades and stuff All the different, you know, level of paste I think, you know, we can get, we can do it Is there a flavour to the brown paste?

No, no, no, no, it's horrible. Yeah, yeah. Bland, I don't, go on. To me, I think zero flavor is almost worse than bad flavor. Do you know what I mean? if there was something that tasted of nothing. I can give you an example because it happens almost all the time.

One of the worst meals in the world is bad fish and chips. Yeah. You should never have fish and chips when you're not near the sea. That's true, except in London occasionally. But there is an extra amount of times you go, I wish I had known of this. You think it's a good idea. And then the fish and the chips taste the same, i.e. of the wrapping. Or just the oil is just, yeah.

But often, it's a terrible. It's heartbreaking. Because having the idea to have fish and chips feels absolutely brilliant. You're bopping down to the fish and chip shop. Can't wait to have your fish. Ben's pulled a face because I said bopping down to the fish and chip shop. He's like, well, would you mop down? Yeah, I'll bop down.

Springing up step. Of course you would for fishing. Looking forward to it. Last time I went and got fish and chips, I was queuing up. It's a very hot day. It's very popular at the fish and chip shop that day. and loads of people going. And I was queuing up.

And then a guy showed up out of nowhere who had not been queuing up and just stood alongside me. And there was the queue behind me and people in front of me. And I was allowed going, I cannot believe this. And then he kind of just walked

straight to the counter. America. Oh, but before he'd even done that, actually, he stood alongside me. And I looked, because I don't like letting this kind of stuff go anymore. So I did look at him, I went, you're right?

Yeah, good. And he went, And he was tougher than me. Oh, God. And he went, believe it or not. And he went, I can't imagine someone being tough than me. He was tough. Yeah.

It was. And I went, you're right? And he went, yeah, you're right? And I was like, yeah. Caved. Go ahead. Please, sir, go ahead. And then they called out his name and then he went to the counter.

And then I realized he had already ordered something. He was there. So then he sits down. And he doesn't sit down. He goes away with food. I get mine. I see. get down, he comes and sits next to me, on the table.

Me and him in the corner, a little tiny table. Did you give him another year, alright? I didn't even look at him, I couldn't. I was so scared. And he was on his phone and he kept on laughing at stuff. And then he started saying to me like, look at that. Show me stuff on his phone. It's like a horror story.

But it was kind of fine. It was like he started warming. He started being quite nice to me. And we just started like looking at funny videos on his phone. Well, you knew that he'd won, that's why. He knew he got me. You were his little bitch, then. Yeah, that's the first thing I thought.

Do you think that? I was a little bitch. You're a chip bitch. It's a common thing. Yeah. It's a common thing. You're his chip bitch. I didn't know. I was a chip bitch.

Yeah, you're a chip bitch. Everyone's done it somewhere. Which is actually one rung lower than fish bitch. Oh, well, hey, if you're listening, what does that make him to me? Chip Daddy. Yeah, Chip Daddy, yeah. My Chip Daddy's listening. Big Daddy sauce.

See you again. Yeah. I've got a story about fish and chips. Yes, please. It's just made me think. I moved to London from the northeast in the late 30s, and I used to live opposite Arsenal Stadium, the real one. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Glemy Road. And my friends and I, we got this really amazing flat considering the rent. It was brilliant. And the first night, we were all from the north, and we decided to have fish and chips. We had no furniture or anything, but we had fish and ships. And there was a fish shop at the end of Gillespie Road. And when we got there, they did scraps.

Oh, yeah. And it turned out that the owner was from the northeast. Perfect. And it was like heaven sent. Yeah. Because, you know, scraps. That is fishing chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't get them anywhere else, really, apart. No, you're not getting that in London. No, but we did. It must have been so nice. It was like a sort of miracle. Yeah. So no one's a chip bitch in that situation. You're all chip daddies.

Yeah, yeah. That's great. Something's developing here. I don't know what it is. Yeah. But I like it. New savers of bookish is out. Got to be excited about that.

Yes, very. Wrote it, in it. Yeah. Directed? No. No. Too enough. No. That's enough, isn't it?

But one of the brilliant things, honestly, is that it was recommissioned before the first series went out. So we've made the second series in short order, which is really good. So there's not a massive gap between. So, yeah, I'm delighted. And it's gone down so well. But the reach has been amazing. And a childhood ambition achieved. I was on the cover of the radio and TV time.

are the same week. Got them on the wall. That's brilliant. Yeah. Because you must have done them on separate weeks before, right? Yeah. Never the TV Times. No, really?

Never. Radio Times we've got a couple and for Sherlock and things. But no, it was really, it was like, whoa, it's happened. I can't believe it. Do you love it in Pemberton and Shear Smith's faces? Do you ever do that with each other? Yeah. Never do that games?

Dyson. Chip bitch. Yeah, yeah. Who's the chip daddy now? Chip paper bitch. Yeah. We use the radio types. I don't know why.

Is there a little bit of competition between the four of you ever? No. You're supportive? We're very supportive. Me, seems like you'd be competitive. He's angry, man. He's angry. He always is. I was very chuffed with him on Taskmaster

because he kept it in really well. Did he? But he kept saying that as well. That's him keeping it in. But I loved his frustration. And also the kind of, when he's guys like, this place is stupid. And he really meant that.

But he kept saying that he wasn't being angry as well. Yeah, yeah. I think that... I think Greg found that difficult to believe him. But that's definitely true. Yeah. He's like the Hulk. You want to see him when he's angry.

And he does go green. Yeah. Great that you're acting in this as well. We share the same agent, I believe. She said that after seeing your performance in... Is it the father? Yeah. You were so...

convincing in it as a man who bullied another man who has dementia that she told you off. She said she told you off because she was so angry with you after seeing it. She said the way that you treated Anthony Hopkins. Wow. She was so convinced that you were a bad person. Well, he's a chip bitch. We all remember that scene in the apartment. Yeah, yeah.

They go out of chip shop. Well, you call that Andy Hopkins a chip bitch. Amazingly, and I rarely do this, drop names. But we've become friends, me and Anthony Hopkins. That's cool, isn't it? It's beyond anything. It's unbelievable. We've kept in touch ever since that film.

And it's just the most incredible thing to me. I still can't quite believe it. Is he like, is he a texter? Are you texting Hopkins? He texts me, emails me. And then I've, he's been back to London a couple of times from L.A. And I've gone to see him, went to his birthday party. Wow.

It's just, it's extraordinary. Yeah. It is extraordinary. Do you get over that? Are you relaxed enough within the friendship to not constantly be thinking that's Anthony Hopkins? He's my friend. Never.

But actually, when we were doing the film, I've always thought this. There's a famous story about Michael Palin, Michael Palin's hero is Peter Sellers, and when he finally met him, which is on the set of a bizarre 60s film called The Magic Christian, the Ringo Star.

He was just standing in this, Michael Payne was standing in the studio, and Peter Sellers just walking across, and he got closer and closer, And as he walked past, he just went, Hello, Peter. That was his only contribution. And I've always thought, if you're lucky enough,

to work with your heroes, working with them is the crucial thing. Yes. Because then you're just doing stuff. Yeah. And then slowly you can, you can sort of dribble in the fact. And Tony Hopkins said to me, Jesus Christ, you've seen everything I've done.

And I sort of have. Yeah. But I think it would have frightened him if I'd open with that, you know. But oh, it's amazing. He got me. he did, Reese is obsessed with the film Magic where he had,

Anthony Hopkins plays the Ventriloquist. And I just say, you wouldn't do a message for it. He did the whole thing, the whole routine, as, as Corky, the Ventriloquist dummy.

It's weird mystery of life at last I found, it was just a whole schick. It was absolutely amazing. Well, you must have been in the good books with Shitsmith after getting at the video four.

I'd like to think so. What did he do for you in return, did you get you a nice video? What would be your dream video from an acting? Dream video? Yeah, from an actor doing... Say you what is Pavlov. Yeah.

They're all dead. So that? Oh, yeah. Imagine that. A video from Beyond the Grey. Oh, we're good, right there? That is a podcast. Let's start your dream, me or will start with still sparkling water.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sparkling? Yeah. Is that Ponzi? No? It's a bit like pop, isn't? it, I think somehow or other, the plainness of a glass of water. Like everybody, I don't drink enough water.

Yeah. I drink a lot of tea, which counts, doesn't it? I think it counts. People say coffee doesn't count, but it must. It must. It's wet. Is Mikecroft always drinking tea? Yeah.

Yeah. He loved it, right? Bulk drinks a lot of tea. It's a big thing. I say without tea, I am merely unreconstituted dust. That's true. Love that. But, Mort, I should, I often find, if you're in a hotel room, as sometimes we are.

I'll drink all the water in the hotel room. I think I should probably drink this much every day, didn't I? Why don't I do that? When they leave bottles in the room, I'm straight in, before I put my bag down, neck it, out the bottle. Yeah, straight out of the big bottle. So Fizzy weirdly still feels a bit exotic and they like pop. So I always favour it. I don't know if it's good for you.

There's a lot of people who are like, it's not good, it doesn't hydrate you. It's bad for your teeth. It's bad for... Because of the bubbles. Yeah, something to do with the bubbles. No, they're not sugar bubbles. They're not, as far as I know, they're not sugar bubbles. No, sugar bubbles is a...

A man who hangs out with the chip daddy. James has changed the way I think about sparkling water in hotels because of this podcast. He said very early on in this podcast that he likes to drink sparkling water in hotel rooms first thing in the morning, and it feels like it's cleaning his mouth out. You wake up in a hotel and the aircon's been on blast all night and you're all like... You could clean your teeth. Well, no, before you clean your teeth... Try this, Mark.

Just have a big swig of the... sparkling water in the hotel room, and it feels like a Calgon tablet. Or like Andrews. I used to drink Andrews as a kid for fun. What's Andrews? Andrews. Liver's. It's like the liver salt. And it's just obviously getting older. It doesn't have the same impact. But when I was a kid, it was like, it was like LSD. It was insane. It was like, wow, blew your head off.

Yeah. I still like it occasionally. The glasses for the water in hotel rooms, I'm finding. I'm on tour at the minute and there's always too small I want a glass of water from the tap I've drunk all the bottles I go and get a tap

when it's just too small so... Use a cup I use a cup Well here's a great hack order a whiskey from the bar and then you get a big glass

in your room or once you finish the whiskey and keep it yeah keep it just make sure they don't ever come in and clean your room interesting

friend of mine Elliot Levy in fact he plays Inspector Bliss in Bookish he did an episode of Simon Witness once

and they filmed in an actual, like, a travel lodge or something. And because it was silent witness, they had a black light. They went around the room, and he said, the headboard of the bed was like a plasterer's wireless. But he said the worst thing of all was the phone. Oh, my God. So just remember that in your hotel, never touched the phone. People jacking it directly onto the phone.

I don't know what it means. Obviously, like this stuff on their hands, and then they're going straight for the phone. They go another glass of whiskey. Yeah. In order to have some sparkling water. Yeah, exactly. They're ordering a post-coital Caesar salad or something.

Or a chip bitch. Yeah. Can you get them sent to your own? Look at the door on, I'm there. Someone ordered a chip bitch. In Vegas. You can get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you've got to specify what type of chip bitch if you're in Vegas. Populams or bread. Populums or bread. Mark Degis. Poplar bread. Bread. I love Popatoms. Yeah.

I mean, I really love them. because I do that thing, like filling up on bread. When they bring popadoms, never enough. Yeah. And all that onion stuff and mango chutney, in the end, I would just eat that. Yeah. And I'm like that with bread.

If I'm not careful, I will just eat so much bread and I have no appetite whatsoever for anything else. You know, man could not live by bread alone. I could. Yeah, that's always been a word for ice to me. It's good bread. That's why you can't be religious. It wouldn't be a good quality of life, though.

No. But you could live on bread alone, but I'd say after maybe six months, you'd be like, I feel awful. Yeah, yeah. I feel a bit bloated. But it'd still be exciting when you wake up in the morning and you like time for bread. But I love popadoms. I do love them. Big crisps.

Yeah. But they are, and that unexpected flavour combination of raw onion, something you wouldn't eat in real life. I tell you, it did, though. Fred West. Yeah. It's true. Now we know we were talking to. He used to eat onions as if they were apples.

Raw onions? Yeah. Maybe Margles does that. What? Margulies eats onions like they're all like their apples. I think we should investigate Miriam's past. Yes, I do. I've been saying that for a while.

My favourite clip ever, I don't know how much Fred West stuff Benito's going to put in the edit. One of my favorite clips ever is the police interview with Fred West where he's admitted to maybe three. And he goes, yeah. He goes, I thought, oh, no, that's four now. Three. Yep. Yeah. It's all there, isn't it?

I've got that documentary. Yeah. When we had recently on the podcast, he said that when you guys all met each other, what was really great was that you all had the same frames of reference, but things you'd watched and like things that, if you said it to anyone else, I wouldn't know what he was on about, but you'd all seen the same stuff, knew the same, that, which I've got a sense of that with you and Edd then. Amazingly, we, amazingly, we all, we have a shared memory.

of Bonfire Night, I think 1976, we have checked now. Bonfire Night in 1976, Carri-on-Screaming was on BBC One, and all of us, this was a biopic, split-screen, all of us declined to go to the bonfire in order to watch Carry On Screaming the same night. Amazing.

That's true. Yeah. That's lovely. Yeah. And that's gone. Here's a thing. Bonfire Night's gone. It has been totally absorbed by Halloween,

hasn't it? Yeah, that's interesting. You never see Penny for the guy, and there are bonfires, but it's not a November the 5th. It's not bonfire night anymore, is it? It's the general Halloweenness. It's the hangover of Halloween. Yeah.

Americans have got us. Yeah. And I love Halloween, obviously. Yeah. I like the fact that there used to be two, though. There were two different, separate things. Yeah, we got to double dip, and now they've ruined it for us. Yeah. Like a lot of things.

Yeah. Like a lot of things. Do you want a specific bread before we move on? Well. I'm a prol. What? I'm a proletarian. Yeah, proletarian.

So I genuinely, I love a white, a crusty bloomer. Yeah. And I really love terrible processed white bread. It's good. Yeah, you can't, I mean, you can't beat it sometimes. Yeah. But there's a lot of good ones. I did, I mean, years ago, I was in Vancouver, 30 years ago, and I discovered balsamic vinegar.

I remember that. That was you. You found, you discovered it. It was like, what an exclusive by the part. It was like an oil well. It was a balsamic vinegar. But I remember going for lunch and there was this pile of lovely bread and then this mysterious substance. And that was a big day for me.

That's huge. Because I genuinely just, I soaked up so much of it. Yeah. To this day, I get cross when they pour in loads of oil. And you actually can't get at the balsamic video because it hovers in a globule. Yeah. And you can't break this. It's like it's in amber.

Yeah. And there's a Jurassic Pox who I like to see. Your dream starter. Okay, so two things. I'm a pro. I am... Proditary drink. I'm constantly drawn and it's always these days back on the menu to a prong cocktail. I love prong cocktail. I love the crisps. Officially the sluttiest of crisps.

But I love a prod cocktail. And sometimes, you know, when they make like a big iceberg lettuce thing. Yeah. There needs to be loads of Mary Rose sauce. Yeah. I'm very fond of that. Slightly posher, I'm very fond of pear walnut and gorgonzola. Nice. With an and d'Ave.

Yeah. That's a look. I love that combination. It's unexpected and it tastes really nice. Love the sneaking in blue cheese early to a meal. To me, it seems like a hack, you know, it's brilliant. And with the pear and the walnut, absolutely delicious. I don't want to briefly go back to the prawn cocktail crisps.

I'll take you. Do you find the flavour bears any relevance to the prawn cocktail itself? Not at all. And that's the magic. Yeah. It's like, and I don't think anyone's ever done enough research on this. Why is Ness Cafe allowed to be called coffee? No, why is instant coffee?

Yeah. It's not coffee. Yeah. Nor does it smell or taste like coffee. It's another drink. Yes. Which in certain circumstances, quite nice, but it's not coffee. No.

So why are prawn cocktails crisps allowed to be called that? It feels like there should be some tray's descriptions thing where, where they're like, we can no longer call these prawn cocktail crisps because they've got absolutely. Yeah. For a short amount of time, Walker's did like a limited run when I was in prime school of tomato ketchup flavor crisps. It's very exciting. And they tasted exactly the same as prawn cocktail

in my memory. I was like, I think that's all you did. I think they were old prawn cocktail packaged. Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't think I'd actually like prawn cocktail crisps that tasted like prawn cocktail. No, no, no. I don't think they'd be very nice. They're own thing in the crisps.

Crisps are a big thing. I love crisps. Yeah, I mean, I'm a huge crisps guy as well. I can't really. have them in the house because I'm going through the big bags. Yeah. Chris bitch. I'm a crisp bitch, yeah. I'm my own crisp bitch.

Yeah. Do you know the posh Torres Crisps? Do you know those ones? They do black truffle ones, which are really good. But they also do a fried egg flavor, which tastes and smells far too much like fried egg to be nice. Oh. You open the bag and it's like fucking out that's fried egg.

Like a hyper. Yeah, yeah. Slabs have done that. It's like space food. Yeah, exactly. It's just dehydrated fry. fried egg in a bag. But it's,

it's exactly like a fried egg. Wow. I don't want it. I don't know, man. Like, slabs are my favorite crisps. They're really, really thick and really big.

That's called slabs. I don't know. Big manly crisp, yeah. Big manly crisp makeup for what happened to be at the chip shop. They do, they do an egg one.

And you open it, it just smells like guffs, but I love it. I'm putting them away. I really love eating all the farts. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

It's delicious. Every, every flavor of slabs. I'm a big fan of actually. During lockdown, we got an email from Sainsbury's telling us that we were the top consumer of cream cheese and chive bringles in the whole of our burrow. What?

We did. We bought so many. Got us through lockdown. That's a big name product as well. That's not like slabs. That's not like bins old. You've eaten the most amount of slabs. Or probably not a lot of people know about it.

Everyone knows that flavor of primbles. It's a big one. And they're delicious. You know, they're not allowed to be called Chris because they're not crisp. They're like smash. They're like dehydrated potato. And there's no, there's so little potato content. They're practically toys.

So how many tubes were you eating during lockdown to get? We lost track of a lot of things during lockdown. I was a bit surprised, but you know, we clearly got through a lot. You had to do something. Nothing to do. Did they send you any free ones because of that? Or was it just letting you know? So it's purely academic, the email,

which is like letting you know. It was like a congratulations. But that's crazy to me because I think most people get that email. I think if I got that email, I'd be like, I'm going to have to cut back on the amount I'm eating of these. So if anything, it's reducing their sales moving forward. Oh, that's true. Yeah, they should send you free.

They should send out of business. The other one I absolutely, and I think really there must be something bad in it. I mean, I know there is, is chili heat wave der Reuters. They are utterly addictive. I love them. I'm a cool original guy when it comes to Doritos.

Yeah, really like all original. Can I shock you? I've never been into Doritos. Wow. I've never really see the fuss. Yeah, Pringles, absolutely get it. Doritos. You try a chili heat wave?

Yeah, I've tried cool original, chili heat wave. Any limited stuff that they bring out, it's never, I mean, all I think of is just how dry and dusty Doritos are. And I know you can dip him in stuff, but I'd rather have all the Christopher mentioned so far over Doritos. Like, I know that's probably the hottest take

I've done on this podcast. It's big. Yeah, yeah. Big stuff. That might come back and haunt me. James does hot takes on podcasts. I do know, hot takes on podcasts. I do want to hear a hot take on podcast? It made me angry with a podcast. It made me He texted me, we got really angry about it. I went on Brett Goldstein's podcast and had to talk about television shows.

And Brett said, name a TV show that doesn't hold up. Soprados. Wow. That's crazy. It doesn't hold up. It's rubbish now. Wow.

When you're watching it. You never seen it. It's so boring, man. It was like, boring. Every episode just reset. It didn't carry on to the next one when I was, like all about his family.

I care about his family. Like, it's called the Sopranos. You can't watch it, I don't care about this family. It's called the fucking Sopranos. It's not that long ago for a kind of big rewatch. I stumbled across something the day, and I thought, this is not aged well. And it was the $6 million man before your time, you know what I mean?

And now it was such a big deal when I was a kid. We all had a Steve Austin toy and that and sort of stuff. And the trouble with American TV, even to this day, a lot of it, like CSI is it's so formulaic. It's all, it's insane. Yeah, yeah. The same. But I hadn't realized until I accidentally looked at Steve Austin, how piss poor it was.

And we, you know, every week my sister would cry because we wouldn't let her watch top of the pops, which, of course, is what we should have been watching. And for this utter build, it's rubbish. And I thought, God, it's so generic and so ordinary, poor. I thought, wow, all that fuss we used to make about it. But it's so, even the title doesn't hold up. Because $6 million. Nothing.

That's not going to build you a bloke. I should get a chip bitch for that. Maybe, yeah. So, push you on a decision now with the prawn cocktail or the salad. Oh, well. And is it like an old school prawn cocktail? Because obviously you said it's not fancy. So, because obviously they do fancy ones now with like huge prawns.

Oh, yeah. And like, I'm a bit scared of those. I don't think you should be able to see its face. And sometimes you can. They live the face on sometimes. And the little black eggs set me. Yeah. And they should be taking those out, really. This is a good restaurant you're eating in now.

We're taking out the poop shrew. I would probably go for the prawn cocktail over the pair and and and d'Eve. Your dream main course. Sorry, you want to make those noise. This is apparently called Mlepping. Dogs do it. It's got an official name. It means they're very content.

That's nice. Mep. Ben's got a dog called toast. Bender's toast, Mlep. Sometimes. Not happy, not a happy. A very unhappy house. Yeah, yeah.

Main course. Well, I'm really into Shakshuka. And this, you know, I'm not, I'm not going to make any bones about this, because I'm not a foodie. I love food. But I'm a bit like, with food, I'm a bit like wine in that, you go, God, that's a good one. Wow.

I must remember that. Never remember it. Just straight out the other side. Never remember. And so I go to a restaurant, I've taken to restaurants and go, this is a taste sensation, never go again. So I generally, I sort of start sort of defaulting to stuff I've always liked. And Shaksuka is so lovely. I'm very fond of Turkish food, Lebanese food, anything in that area, fatush, I absolutely love,

pomegranate seeds, anything. But the amazing thing about a shak shuka is what it tastes like is when you used to have bacon and egg with tin tomato on the side. It's true. And when the tomato juice and the egg yolk merged, it tastes like shak shuka. So for all this poncing about in the end, it tastes like something I had when I was eight. And that's why I like it. So I often have it at a restaurant around the corner for lunch from us. and with like toasted sourdough

and but dipping, you know, dipping it in, absolutely gorgeous. The key with the Shakshuka, I feel, when do you break the yolk? Are you immediately doing it or are you eating some tomato first? Are you eating a bit of the white first? You're eating around and are you delaying that gratification?

I try to delay. It's a lot like a Fierintina pizza. I quite like the weird novelty of the egg and being able to cut into the white. And because you can still play a little game with it of sort of squaring it off until you've got almost a square yolk. Yeah.

I do. So I would do that, yeah. And then the other one I'm really fond of is chicken milanese and that flat chicken with rosemary potatoes and a green salad. And I've just finished the RSC in Stratford and I would eat that every matinee day.

It's very difficult to know how to eat when you're doing a play. If you have too much, it sits in you. If you have too little, you get lightheaded. But on a matinee day with two shows, that is the perfect meal for me. And I went the same place every twice a week until they knew what I wanted. It works for me because it was enough protein. I would have a nap afterwards in the end of the show. So is this in between?

Is this in between the shows? Yeah. Yeah. So you're straight off stage, straight to this place. Yeah. For the Milanese. And then a little nap. And then on again.

I've always liked that. And I love Italian food too. And there's an also thing that some places do, which is so old-fashioned. It's just that with a great big lump of spaghetti on it. Is Milanese the breaded one? Yeah. Yeah.

But they do it breaded and then just great. great big lump of spaghetti. And I've forgotten actually what to order, but they do it. And old-fashioned Italians do. Yeah. It's quite American Italian as well. Yeah, yeah. Like the red sauce places.

Yeah, yeah. It's a sort of hybrid, isn't it? Yeah. They just remember going to Naples years ago, which is where pizza were invented, only to discover that they've got like 100 different types of margarita. And you kind of want to say, but you can have Hawaii. But they're all like really subtle variations. Yeah.

They take it very seriously. Yeah. It's quite an ordinary pizza. Yeah. I don't think I've ever ordered a margarita. Oh, I love margarita. I wouldn't go near it. No, I wouldn't go near it.

Think of all the possibilities you're missing out on. No, I do. I mean, I go. I don't order margaritas. I don't order the vanilla ice cream. No. Do you have things against Margaret's? If she's listed, she knows why.

When Sherlock jumped off the building. Oh, okay. James went quiet for a bit, and I thought he's brewing a question. Something. I bet it was an egg crisp. Yeah. I had a go with Martin Freeman about it, and I don't think that's fair, because he didn't write it. What happened?

Did he really jump off and all the people went under him with the crash man? Well, that's for you to distinguish. Oh, don't say that, Mark. Obviously, Mark's been asked this question so many times before. He's not going to suddenly say what it is. I'm going to break it on this podcast. I'm going to go do it, and then it'll be an exclusive. In the end, the mystery remains not the question.

Oh, you. It's not Jonathan Creek, man. They're not going to tell you how it's done. You're a piece of work, Gators. Do you want to just make a quick decision between those two mains, the Shaksuka or the flat chicken? I'll go for the chicken. Lovely.

Flat chicken. That means you're doing a matinee. In my head, I'm doing a matinee chicken. Yeah, matinee chicken. What's the play? At the resistable rise of Arturo Oui by Bertolt Brecht. And you're playing? Arturo Oe.

Of course. It's a sat around the rise of Hitler. It's if he were a Chicago gangster in the 30s. And we're hopefully transferring. Nice. Yeah. Somebody said to me, we're trying to work out a way of finding a slot to do it.

I said, well, it's not going to go away. He said, what, you being busy? I said, no fascism. But also, if finding a place for it's transfer to, you're going to have to check out the local restaurant scene to make sure you get the Milanese for the matinee days. Yeah. I tell you his story is a nice restaurant story.

Three or four years ago, I was doing Mission Impossible. And we had that scene as fucking bananas, by the way. But carry on. We, um, what a banana scene. We had the builders in. So we were out of the house and like most, like half, like five months. We were sort of house sitting and moving around, Hastings and Gloucestershire and all kinds of things. But when I was doing the film, they put us up in a hotel for a month, which is ideal.

Yeah. with the dog. But it was that weird thing I always wanted to do. It was like being on holiday in your own city. And it was what I call the Butplug Hotel,

which is the tree house one next to the top of Regent Street by Broadcasting House. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Treehouse one, yeah, the But it looks like a butt plug. And they'll thank me for that. But, you know, it's the weirdest thing to be on Oxford Street at midnight.

Yeah. And it was really, interesting to see it from a totally different perspective. And one thing I did do one afternoon, finished filming or something, and I came back, I was a bit loose end and also hadn't eaten. And I just walked down Regent Street and I found this

incredibly old-fashioned Italian. One of those ones, my favorite ones, vanishingly rare with photos of actors on the wall. Yeah, I love that. And it was like, I would never have gone there if I hadn't been staying in this hotel. And it was really great, proper

old-fashioned thing. And I I love that. I love that when you make those discoveries. Did they take a photo of you to put on the wall? No, I hate that. When we were doing Sherlock in Cardiff, basically in over 10 years, and there was an Italian there, and it had every one of Tom Jones's regenerations.

Because he'd been there, so many times of the years. There was like a wall of Tom's from like 1963 to the present day. Your dream side dish, Mark? Well, this is tricky, isn't it? because you've already got the potatoes, haven't you? Yeah. With the, with the, I'm already full of, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would, like a fatush, I would, I would love that. Yeah, nice. I think there's something about that. It's a, I think all that Lebanese cuisine is kind of perfect for me. I just, I love the freshness of it. When you have those little bits of toasted pitter with lemon juice and, and, and pomegranate, again, it's like, who thought this?

This is a good one. And it's like flat leaf parsley in there as well, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I could eat tons of that. Yeah, yeah. So I'm probably filling up on that as well. But that's a good one, isn't it? What, is you found another way to get bread in?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well done, you're doing pretty well with that. We're starting off with bread, obviously. Bread and chicken. Yeah, bread in the side dish. And you, I mean, you need to dip bread into your Mario sauce. Yeah, of course, yeah. We'll give you a bit of bread with the prom cocktail as well, yeah, for sure.

Petush, one of the onomatopaeic foods. Yeah. It sounds like, you know, it sounds like an explosion in a, a comic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is, and I think it's what everyone should shout when they eat fatush. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's impossible not to want to say fatuch when you're getting the fatush. I'll have the fatush. And the fatush. Could you shout chip bitch? Chip bitch.

Yeah. Chip bitch. Who's in that scene? You? This was always going to happen, Mark, by the way. Rob Delaney's knocking around there. Yeah. Obviously, Cruz shows up.

Yeah. He has to. He has to. That's part of it, isn't it? What's it? Robin Hood men in tints is in it. Cario was, yeah. Yeah.

So. Indiravama. Saw, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Saw. Princess Bride. Yeah. Legend.

Yeah. He's in there. Who else is in that thing? I'm trying to wrap my head around it because it's hilarious. Every time the camera changes shot, because you're not, I don't get it at all of the establishing shot that you were all there. So I think you've all got your back to the camera.

What do you think we were? You got your back to the camera. I didn't know with you guys. I was like, oh, you know. ends in green gas like that man. He's talking to all you lot. So then it goes, bam, every time it goes to one of you,

I'm like, I can't believe. Have you seen, I'm in the next one more. You've seen that? I haven't seen that one. It's more table work. There's even more of us rather table. Who else is in that scene? Henry CNA,

Legend. Charles Parnell, American actors. And Tom in disguise, he pulls his mask off. Yes, of course. You've got to be happy that you're in a mask pulling off scene in Mission Impossible.

And green gas. I mean, these are the things, aren't they? It's an amazing experience. And then I was on that for about week and the second one for about a month. So it was, it was incredible. You can't underestimate it. We were shitting ourselves.

I mean, I didn't know Indra was in it and we saw each other across the room and she went. And we sort of held on to each other. And then there were all these, like Henry and Charles' sort of blue steel Americans. And then within a minute, you think, oh, my God, they're shitting them. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's what's going on.

And then, because it's just so huge. Yeah. And literally the first thing after an introduction was Tom Cruise. He said, showmarked the Fjord video. And this image comes up on a TV screen of him doing the stunt seven times. And for which he trained for a year. And the script was very dense techno babble stuff, which we'd like got the nightbeck. before and it was really hard to learn but you think maybe I could learn but there was so

delightful and welcoming and funny I remember he got he totally got us some reason we ended talking about workplace bullying or something and he said I tell you who's the worst for that Ron Howard you know happy days how would he do it he's okay yeah I mean I didn't move you with it I mean the the hook is the coke He went on for about five minutes and he just went. Totally real. Just taking the face.

That's so fun. He got you with Rod Howard. He got us. I love that he's showing people the videos of the stunts and they don't even see them because of course. Why do you not?

That's actually like, of course I would, yeah. And I said to it. Have a look at this, what I did. I would be very tempted if I was in your position to go on to the set and go,

I'm going to inhale the gas for real. I'm going to do it proper. I'm going to do my own stunt and we can release the video of it to promote the film. And you tell the time when my gaiters actually inhaled the gas. It wasn't even there. It's all done in post. Isn't that? That's...

I don't imagine the gas. I'll be like, I'm doing it like Tom. I'm doing it like Tom. I'm going to do all of this for real. And you can't stop me. You have a dream drink? Well, I like wine, but I'm not a connoisseur, as it's saying. But you can't remember the... Can you remember... Can you remember... Can you remember an occasion when you had a dream wine? I can tell you this, because it's so...

evocatively fabulous. It's a wine that, a grape that grows on the slopes of Vesuvius. It is served in Pompeii, the modern town. And it is called I Lacromo de Christi, The Tears of Christ. That was a good one. Yeah.

And it was a beautiful day. And by amazing coincidence, and my friend was making a documentary about Pompeii, and we met up with him, had lunch, had the tears of Christ. And then we were given a private tour of things that had not normally open to the public. Wow.

So it was just, it was one of those days. It was beautiful sunshine, very crisp white wine, Christ. Yeah, Christ's tears. Christ tears are white wine? Yeah. What the hell? No, no. Why would you expect it to be?

Well, because in the paintings, he's, but that's, he's bleeding from the side. Yeah. More than the eyes. That guy loves to bleed. Yeah. Yeah, but if it was Christ's blood, you're obviously expecting red wine, because that's what... You made a big deal about that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They reckon that anyway, right? Where'd you stand on Jesus? Have you found Jesus? I've not found Jesus. I've had a look. He's over there. I've had a little look.

So that means he's got the market cornered with wine now. If it's like the reds is blood and the whites his tears. Yes. What's rosé? It's well, when they stab... Barry Rose sauce. Didn't they stab them in the side to check if it ran... With the spear of destiny?

If it was blood and then it ran clear, then you was dead, right? That's right. Oh, really. So maybe that. The bit in between is the rosé. Yeah. For hip blood. Yeah.

There's going to be complaints. No. No way. No way. No, no. We're pro. Also, we're talking about it in the sense that it was real and it happened. Yes, yes.

So Catholics actually love that. That's why they love the Exorcist, right? That's true. They're making a passion of Christ too, aren't they? Yeah, it's underway. And I, actually, a guy who's in Bookish was about to leave to play, I think, Bartholomew or something. And I said, so is it like the, is it the three days after? And he went, no.

Well, it is, but it's a two-parter. It starts in the Garden of Eden. Mel's insane. It starts, it's the whole works. I mean, not the whole Bible. Yeah. But it starts in the Garden of Eden and goes right through to the resurrection. It's thrilling.

So it's a prequel? It's a prequel and the sequel. Right. It's like Star Wars. Yeah, got to do. They're doing an opening crawl. Yeah. About Jesus.

There's a lot of, The Bible. I am your father, I'm going to be. In the beginning, what's the word? Fucking else. Yeah.

It'll be a long opening sequence. Oh, that's bonkers. I've not seen Passion of the Christ. Oh, it's a great. Honestly. Where did it go up to?

Where did it leave us? I only see it once, but I think it ends, you know, the usual place. Yeah. And the Greece of fiction, but also the bit of the aftermath,

bit of the storm and then. Yeah, yeah. I think it ends with like the stone being rolled back from the two, and then descends. Oh, so there's a perfect sequel, I don't know that. It's like Empire Strikes Back.

Yeah, yeah. See, whatever you think of him, Mel Gibson is a very brilliant... He's a brilliant filmmaker. Have you seen Apocalyptic? No, I've actually not. That's an amazing film. It's a great film,

believe it or not, I love... Weirdly, this is very off-topic, except for the bread being the flesh of Christ. Of course. I love... You're having a lot of Jesus in this, yeah.

I love Jesus films. Yeah, I'm not. I'm an atheist, but I love Jesus film. I love them to distraction. I watch lots every Easter. Yeah. I love them. It's an amazing story.

It's a great story ever told. You got like top three Jesus film? Yes, yes. Obviously, King of Kings. Great story ever told. And the Pasolini's passion. That's an extraordinary. Extraordinary.

Beautiful. There you are. Yeah. Have you ever written Jesus into an event? No, honestly, I would love to do the story of Christ because I think it's an incredible story. I'm going to see Jesus Christ's superstar next week, which I adore. Sam Ryder's in it?

Sam Ryder. He's the Christ. Yes. And Reese is doing Herod. Is he? Yeah, doing one of the Herod's. Yeah, typecast. But the passion of the Christ is a really good film.

Yeah. It's brutal in a way they often aren't. Yeah. But also the devil in it is absolutely amazing. The devil takes different forms. There's an incredible sequence where I think Judas looks around after he's betrayed Christ. Christ and there's this woman suckling a baby and then the baby turns around

and it's got the face of an old man it's absolutely horrible I'd like that then yeah you'd like those bits you might like the whole film it's a very long ass whooping essentially it's just doesn't

that's how Jesus felt about it doesn't let up your dream dessert this is easy easy peasy now when I was a kid we never we very rarely had pudding as we used to call. Yeah.

We used to have, like, tinned rice, tapioca, semolina. Yeah. I'll come back to those. But my mum didn't make much, many puddings, and I sort of didn't grow up with it as a thing. And because we never ate out, never. Because it just didn't happen, set fish and chips. So I didn't grow up with it.

But I've got more used to them over the years. My partner is big on puddings. He usually just have a pudding. But my absolute favourite is Pavlova. Nice. And I love meringue. I always love marangs. We used to have a man who came around in a baker's van.

And I used to get a meringue as a treat when I was little. Morang man. Morang man? It's like a chip bitch. Mankatangatang. It's the meringue tank. I used to call him. But it was, I love that.

I love the hard crispiness and the cream maybe with something fruity in the middle, but often not. Yeah. And I used to, when I first became a grown-up next week, I used to buy the shells because you could. Yeah, do what you like. I mean, Christ, yeah, make myself sick on it. But a really good Pavlovak, and therefore, by extension, an eating mess.

Yeah. A smashed up one full of cream and raspberries, particularly raspberries. That's, I love it. I think I, yeah, I think I prefer it in the Eat in Mess format, so the Pavlova format, because you're just doing it anyway. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah.

That's it. The Eaton Boys, got a shout out to the eating boys. That's it. And the other one, which is, I don't even know they do it. And it's a brand, can I say this? You can. If they don't do it, it's a scandal. But Wagamama used to do a ginger and white chocolate cheesecake

with chili on it. And it was genuinely irresistibly beautiful. And again, it all goes back to childhood. It tasted exactly like when my mom used to make cakes, she used to make cakes, not puddings, in one of those big sort of fawn-colored porcelain bowls. And she used to let us scrape up the last bit. It tasted exactly like that.

And therefore I loved it. I love that so many of your dishes are like, it sounds like very sort of, you know, highfalut. But it's all just, it tastes exactly like something from the, past. It is. And it's also, it's sort of

Proustian. Yeah. They trigger so many things. I remember having that in Wagabama going, I know this taste. Yeah. And then again,

in a grown-up way, it's like, I used to think, when I'm growing up, I will have a bowl of cake mixture. Yeah. I don't have to scrape it

off the spoon. Yeah. What about the whole lot? Yeah. It's what my girlfriend does on a birthday. Just literally makes a cake in the bowl and then just eats that.

Oh my God. Just eats the cake mix. Always makes herself feel sick. Yeah, of course. She must feel sick. Shut up, baby, I love you. But like, always makes herself feel sick, but always does it. I think I did it for her in lockdown when it was her birthday, made of her the cake mix.

There you go. Do you have a little bit of it? Oh, of course, I have a little bit of it. But that's enough, isn't it? Delicious. It's like a moral lesson, isn't it? Be careful what you wish. Yeah, exactly.

Freedom isn't everything. Freedom should not be used in that way. She does that. Every Christmas, she gets a jar of, like, mince pie fillies. and some raw rolled out pastry and just gets the raw pastry and just picks up the mids pie filling with it and eats that.

Wow. This woman doesn't cook anything. It's all raw just going in. It's scary. Yeah, she's got cookie dough in the fridge as we speak. It's more acceptable. Are you sure she's not turning into like a cannibal? Are you sure she's not?

This is not like the film raw. I said, I meant oven. My oven. Just a big opener. I've got an oven that I kiss. Yeah. I don't know when it's birthday is. Happy birthday, baby.

That's a thing, isn't it? People in love with ovens. Or inanimate objects. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've still got a documentary somewhere. Yeah, I used to tape these things, but there was a brilliant one about a woman who was married to the Eiffel Tower. Yeah.

She left it for the Berlin War. But the best one was this girl who had an obsession with, with a Monopoly boy. She called it Monop. Who is his pet name, Monop. Surely, Polly. Surely, it's right. No, no, no.

It's a polyadministrate. Oh, brilliant. Amazing thing, right? There's no queer. My wife went to art school with someone who was married to a Cecil. Yes. With a married to a Cecil.

In what sense? Officially. Bit of an up and down relationship. Hey! Yeah, just maybe not married, but, you know, they were seeing each other. Yeah, yeah. So many trips.

Wow. Wow. Where did they meet? She had to go to the Seesaw quite a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite a... It's a bit one-time. If you could...

Obviously, you're very in love with your partner, but if you could... Marry a Seesaw? Marry an animal object. Well, let's say you have to. Wow. Let's say it's the new law and you have to. What would you pick?

A Dalek. But it moves, isn't it? Moves and talks. Unless you just get one of the ones, that one that's in the foyer, the BBC, just shag that. Shag it? You just...

Don't they shag these things? No. I think they do. I'm afraid the Monopoly Board was a bit worn. Yeah. Cheap-ass go a few times. Didn't collectively.

We've got off. You think, is that your first thought with the Dalek? It's the one in the BBC foyer? Because mine is the Museum of the Moving Image Dalek. that you could get inside. That's what I think of the Dalek.

I'm thinking. I was there. I was in a BFR the other day. And I found myself in the corner where the giant robot used to be. Yeah. And with the TV screens showing all the regenerations, I thought, gosh, it's like a relic in itself.

Yeah, yeah. I love the Superman thing in the Museum of the Moving Image. Mm-hmm. Where you could lie, you used to lie on a thing. Oh, the green screen. And then it would show you, like, flying through the sky. It was amazing. You did it.

You flew through the sky? I did it all the time. You could roll onto your back so you could see yourself flying backwards through the sky. Where do you stand on the new Superman? I've not seen much of the new Superman at all. Supermen? The Superman and now Supergirl as of the recent release. I saw the Superman film and I wasn't for me, didn't enjoy it.

But there weren't many people in the cinema. There was like family in and then me and my girlfriend. That might have been it. Film finished. We'd kind of been looking at. at each other all the way for her going, oh, God, this is bad film. Finished, the family applauded. Wow.

We're looking at them like they'd lost their minds. And they were looking around at us smiling and applauded it. They were like, you crazy. They were applauding her stuffing a face full of cookie downs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was there. Just eating more counts of popcorn. Just like breaking her teeth.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Did you do the crossword, by the way? Yes, Yeah. No, I didn't do it in the end. Very excited. Very excited for Ed. We do the New York Times puzzles. A cryptic?

No, I've started doing minute cryptic though. You do minutecryptic.com. They have a new cryptic thing every day and they give you clues. I need the clues so often. I'm just getting into cryptic. Ed does the word all every day. I was very excited. I texted him very excited about the puzzles today. Let me know when you've done them because it's some very exciting in there for you.

And I think he gave up on it was I don't know what you're talking. about didn't do it. It's really exciting Edd's start in word in wordal every day is pious. He always starts with pious. Get this, Mark. It was one of the answers in the crossword clue. Oh, Jesus Christ. It was his start in wrong puzzle. Right word, wrong puzzle, Ed. Wow. Didn't work. Wordle yesterday was puppy. I didn't get it. Yeah, really hard. Because I got P-U, blank blank Y and then, you know, I'm putty, I'm puffy. I'm going through every single possible iteration apart from puppy. Incredible. Sorry, James, carry on. I got a few on that.

You do Pangram. strands, that one. I don't know, I don't know. Do strands? You can get panogram on the strand, you get panogram on the spelling bee, of course. Yeah, yeah. We're geniuses.

Our WhatsApp group is nothing about the podcast. We just send each other our results on the whole times puzzles. I deny geniuses on the spelling bee. Benito is not. You would like spark in water. You would like crusty white bloomer with balsamic vinegar. Yeah. You would like a prawn cocktail,

main course chicken milanaisy with, Brackets matinee chicken as well What are you guys put in? Side douche. Side douche. Side douche. Side douche. It's been a long meal.

Dush. Drink. Oh, I can't really. Lacremae Christi. White wine, the tears of Christ. And as a pavlover. And because you were so good at choosing between things all the way through,

we're also going to let you have the wagamoma ginger and white chocolate cheesecake. Yeah. I'm going to give you both because you was That's a nice. That's lovely. You'd like that, wouldn't you? Yeah.

I'd like that. I'm pleased, because I was worried because I'm not foody as I say. I remember doing Saturday Kitchen first time years ago, and I genuinely thought, I'm slightly embarrassed to say what I eat because it is just so working class. But the one I've left out, which is crucial and I should have, which is my, like my last meal is beans on toast. Really? Absolutely without a shadow of that.

See, I hate beans. What? That could have gone really badly that chat. Yeah, I'm not a beans guy. But I'll tell you something. Accidentally last year bought a tin of sugar-free beans and discovered, do you know what they taste like? Beans.

Not lovely sugar. Yeah. And it was such a shock. You know, like white beans? They actually taste like beans. And you go, oh my God. Yeah. This isn't the wrong meal.

That's absolutely my final meal. Beans on toast. Do you put cheese and beans on toast? Very occasionally, but I sort of regret it. It's a bit like the fish and chips thing. It's fine, but I'm, I'm, it's a Sunday, it's a Sunday tea thing. Classic white bread, toasted. Butter?

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like Martin Freeman chose beans on toast. No, I don't know. He always copies me. He didn't, he didn't talk about beans on toast. He might have talked about beans on toast. I swear to God.

It was about five years ago. I swear to God, Freeman bought up at the end and said about them, or at least bought them up at the end and said about food waste. I think you and Freeman, uh, you know, peas in a pot man. Sympatica. Beans in a tin. Yeah. Well, listen, thank you so much for coming on.

Pleasure. Thank you so much. Pleasure. Fantastic. A bit annoyed that you don't tell me about the Sherlock thing. He jumps into a giant vat of beans. He was red nose day. You heard it here first.

He used the distraction. It's good, isn't it? Have you found it? Yeah, you both talked about beans on toast. There you go. Yeah. So this is a thing for Sherlock people now. Yeah.

Whenever we get Sherlock people on. We see if they talk about beans on toast. How many other Sherlock people are... Kumpabatch, haven't had him on yet. Russell Tovey, not on yet. We needed to get him wrong because he was on my episode of Bake Off. When you did Taskmaster, you wouldn't say hello to Alex. Refused.

Was that a thing? It was... It was very funny. It accidentally became a thing. Yes, yes, I was. Like, first task, he said hello, didn't... On the spot didn't do it. So then just carried on doing it.

it. And then a lot of people while watching the show were like, I bet that's a secret task that James has been given. It's going to be a reveal at the end. And then when it wasn't, a lot of people have come up to me and gone, I think that was really rude of you, that you didn't say hello to Alex. There's some people who take Taskmaster very seriously. They don't find it to be a funny show. It's a very serious show. And then they get very annoyed that I didn't say hello to Alex. But there was one time when I do say hello. He catches me off guard and it did make the edit. So, you know, I'm not all bad. Not all bad.

Mark, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Ta. Thank you, man. There we are, James. Wonderful. Wonderful to meet Mark, to chat to Mark. What a guy. Such an honour, such a privilege.

He didn't say flu-rided water, which means we didn't kill him, apparently. Yeah. Something new I've learned about our own podcast. Yeah. We talked more about Jesus than I thought we would. Yeah. Jesus got a lot of air time.

I don't know how it's going to shake out in the edit. Yeah. But just know if you're listening, we talked about Jesus for a long time. It was all nice stuff. I don't think anyone said anything bad about Jesus. No, never disparaging about Jesus. Like I grew up a little Christian boy. I don't believe it now, but I still think Jesus, what a lovely man.

Famously a good bloke. Yeah, lovely man. Yeah. You're on tour with fresh hell. Oh, yeah, sorry, Jesus. Everyone should watch, yeah, sorry. Jesus. Everyone should watch Bookish.

It's out on the 26th of August, so make sure you watch Series 2 of Bookish. And watch Series 1 if you haven't. On you and alibi. Series 1 is available to stream on Sky Virgin Media and now. Now. Yes, lovely stuff. Look, what more is there to say?

Mark has gone. He's still alive. He's still alive. The Dream Restaurant landed back safely on Earth for the end. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Jade Adam. She's merely dust in the atmosphere now. Yeah. Brian Cox was wrong.

Yeah. Oh, that's the actor Brian Cox. I know we said dust in the atmosphere, so it makes out that we're talking about the other Brian Cox. But the other Brian Cox was wrong as well, because he said, he said that Dark Matter wasn't evil. Yeah, he was wrong when he came on the podcast. We should have done an official, like, retraction about that. Yeah. Because he said a lot of wrongheaded stuff. Yeah. And he embarrassed himself. Yeah. That's a shame. And if you're watching on YouTube, hit that subscribe button. It's glowing. It's right down there. It's doing a little lighting thing where it lights up, probably, if Ben can work out how to do that. we know that 90% of you watch aren't subscribed,

what's going on there? Hit that button and sign up to our Patreon. We don't have one. I do. Congratulations. Ed Gamble. Ed Gamble's off menu, it's called. You're making a little bit of extra cheese on the side, just for yourself?

Yeah, it's just for cheese, though. This makes me even angry. You know that. That's the law of this podcast. Subscribe, bitches. What? No need to call them bitches. Why, they all.

all bitches. That's what we call our listeners. Cheap bitch. That was good. I enjoyed all the chip bitch stuff. Yeah, looking forward to being called that. Yeah. By people I don't even know. In every fish and chip restaurant you're going to the rest of your life. Yeah, usually that's how long it lasts. Yeah. And if it comes up on this podcast, the rest of my life. So yeah. Thank you for watching slash listening. Goodbye. Goodbye.