Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Mawaan Rizwan

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Mawaan Rizwan – ‘Taskmaster’ runner-runner-up and Bafta-winning star and creator of BBC Three’s ‘Juice’ – is this week’s diner, and he has an easy-to-follow recipe for English food. Trigger warning: this episode contains talk about calories. Series 2 of ‘Juice’ is on BBC Three and iPlayer from 18 September. Watch it (and catch up with series 1) here.Follow Mawaan on Instagram @mawaanr and TikTok @mawaanWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Fri 5 Sep.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

James, huge news from the world of off-menu, and indeed the world of the world. Yes. Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall? I have. We've done live shows there, and guess what? We're doing more live shows there next year. Sure, a lot of them are sold out already, but we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone. Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run. The show will be on Monday the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest, coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest. Those shows have been a lot of fun. We cannot wait to do them live. Who will we pull out of our little magic bag? You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out. If I'm corrected thinking, pre-sale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September. Presale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m. And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m. So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later. The day in between is for reflecting. Get your tickets from Royal Alberthall.com or off-menuPodcast.co.com.

Welcome to the off-menups of conversation, warming them in the pan of the internet, and pouring over the hot-buttered toast of friendship. Spaghetti hoops on toast? That's Ed Gamble. He's spaghetti hoops. Oh, I just realized what I've set up here. Oh, we got a dog called toast. Yeah, but then who are you? I'm James Acaster.

And together, we own a drink restaurant. And every single week, we're inviting a guest and we ask them their favourite ever. Start a maincloth dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Mouan Rizwan. Amazing comedian, writer, performer. I'd say one of my favorite taskmaster moment,

or like ways of solving a task ever on Taskmaster is making the cow disappear. Oh yes, very good. I think it's so good. Simple, effective, clever, and done with so much joy. But then also he did one of the stupidest things I've ever seen on Taskmaster. Maybe this should be the secret ingredient, actually. Oh, yeah?

He tried to put helium in an egg. Yeah, let's have that. The secret ingredient, which we have every week, which if the guest picks it, they'll be kicked out of the drinking restaurant, is an egg filled with helium. Egg filled with helium. Absolutely. That's great. Helium egg. Wow, that's, that's ambitious.

Yeah. Full respect. Bafter winner, of course. Bafter winner. Juice series tickets. Like me? Like me? Yes, Ed won a BAFTA because

Task Master Series 9 won a BAFTA and I won Task Master Series 9. So Ed did win the whole BAFTA? Is that the whole thing's yours? Are you a part of that? I think so. If you win the series, you win the awards that are given to that series.

And of course, they're both heads. Yes. So like the, the... Oh, that's a really good point. Yeah, right? So the taskmaster is Greg's head and then the BAFTA is ahead as well. Yeah, yeah.

So that's funny. I'd never thought of it like that before. You could put the BAFTA mask on top of the taskmaster one and make Greg wear the BAFTA. He's not sent me the BAFTA yet, actually, and it was a while ago. I guess COVID got in the way. Yeah, you should bring it up. Yeah, yeah, I will.

So you get that. Mouin, of course, won for Juice Series 1. Yeah. Well, the whole team won for that, I think. The whole team on Juice. I thought Moan won for his performance. Yeah, but that's, you know, You can't credit the performance with just yourself, can you?

So Mouan shared his, and I've got one, a whole one. Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah. Well done. Congratulations again. Thank you. A Duce Series 2 is coming soon. Very excited. Make sure you watch it.

We are going to first hear what Mouan would like for dinner. This is the off-menu menu of Mouan Rizwan. Restaurant. Yes, yes. Welcome, Moan Rizwan, to the Dream Restaurant. We'll be expecting you for some time. I'm ready. My body is ready.

That's, I mean, no one's ever opened with my body is ready, but that's exactly how people should be opening the podcast. Is it appropriate for me to say your body looks ready? Thank you, man. Thank you. I'm not eating in a week. Is that what you say when you go into every restaurant? Do you tell the waiter, my body is ready?

Do you know what? From now on, yes. And by that, I mean, do you know when, like, when you're like, spending money, you're going for a good meal. Yeah. Honestly, I don't, I don't eat all day, man. Really? Yeah.

And then it's extra tasty, you know? Yeah, yeah. The whole day you just put, do you know, have to actively resist eating food all day? I try, I snack, because, you know, no one's trying to die out here. Yeah. But, you know, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, but I just, like, slightly, like, drip-drab the nutrients. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not having, like, a big potato lunch, do you know what I mean? Yeah. A big potato. What's a big potato lunch? You know, a big potato lunch? Guys, you guys don't know Yeah, yeah

No, you know when you just have loads of potatoes And it fills you up Yeah, I completely agree with you I can't be too hungry when I go into a restaurant though Yeah Because then I'm almost not enjoying the food I'm just inhaling it Yeah, exactly

And then I just want everything Oh, you don't want to be too hungry I don't want to be like so hungry that I'm eating that first course And barely even tasting it Oh, got it, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah You don't want your body to be too ready

No, you don't want to be too. No, no, no, I want to be, yeah, but vaguely ready. So you don't want a big potato lunch, but you will snack little bits. No, we'll have little potato lunch. Yeah? By that I mean, thin potatoes, by that I mean, crisps. Yes. Slice it really thin, fry it.

Yeah. I believe they call it crisp. Yeah, yeah. It's a way of still, do you know what? And crisps are, like, are so, like, with empty calories, isn't it? Are they? Yeah, they're like, it's nothing food. Yeah, they don't sell you up.

So they make you hungry of anything. I don't know they're empty calories. calories, crisps. I think so. Like, because if you think about it, like, I don't think I've ever filled myself up on crisps. When I say empty calories,

it's not like they don't have any calories. Oh. As in... Sorry, James, you don't understand the phrase. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I don't understand the phrase. If you don't have a big potato lunch, you ain't going to know.

As in, they basically give you no nutrients, but they give you calories. Oh, okay. It's the opposite of broccoli. I get what you mean. So, like normal, like normal Coke. So I haven't really understood empty calories over the years,

because I just see that as a green light to just fill up. Just absolutely eat those things I won't put on weight, but actually empty calories, not calorie empty. Yeah, I'm so sorry man. Oh no. You need to rethink your whole nutrition plan. I will take

nutrition tips off you. You're a healthy guy. Thank you, man. I try. I saw my one once cycling down the canal didn't I? Oh, yeah. Yeah, nearly fell in. I was on the line, man. I'm glad you knew that he saw you cycling down the canal because this would be creepy as hell if you didn't see him. Yeah. I kind of like, at the last minute, it was like, Like double point right at him

Yeah, it was creepy anyway You know what I mean? Like jumping out I'm pushing the canal But you didn't jump out What were you doing? Were you running? I was just walking towards the opposite direction Saw you at the last minute Did a double point really over the top

Yeah This guy Without really knowing each other very well Yeah man, it was stressful I'm not gonna lie James It was stressed I love you man I love your face

But it was just I was going so fast Before I could say hello I'm already past Do you know what I? And those, I hate those Meets, because if we're both walking, at least we can be like, yeah. Yeah.

I'm slightly disappointed to hear that you're the sort of person who cycles by the canal really fast. Yeah, man, I take risks. I hate those people. I cycle every day. I nearly die. If there's a pram, I don't give a fuck. I take priority. Yeah.

You jumping over the pram like Grand Phaughto? I'll do whatever I need to do to get over the pram. Do you know what I mean? Because I sort of also like, come on, man, it's London. Yeah. Why are you just, if you have a baby, stay at home. We are late. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Are you ringing your bell at least so the baby knows? Whoa, yes. But then some of these line bikes, the bells don't work. Oh, you're a line bike. So line bikes are even quicker, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And also when you start on them, they give you that little, you know, it's like video game when you go through a thing, then gives you an extra little acceleration. Yeah, straight into a pram. Yeah, straight. What if they start? They should start doing line prams. That's good.

For people so that it's a level of the playing field. Not a pram with loads of limes in it. Oh, I cannot emphasize enough. Not a pram with loads of limes. Because you didn't know what empty calories was. You do know a lime bike is a bike made of limes, right? Do you know what? You guys carry on about me.

I don't know. I think they should have those prams. So parents would just be, okay, I haven't got time to get the pram out. I'll get a lime pram when I'm out. Put the baby in it, give a little accelerator at the start. Electric prams. But they'd have to be attached. the pram because if it accelerates without them, their baby's off.

Yeah. They're not. Well, maybe that's even better. Platform on the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the future, I bet you can just program into the electric pram where you're going. It just goes off with your baby. You meet it there.

I actually would not like that level playing field because I like the power. Do you know what I mean? I'm like powerless to like lorries and trucks. Where can I, you know, the oppressor got to oppress. Yeah. And prams are the only ones I can take it out. Yeah. would blow you on the food chase.

Yeah. The only thing below cyclists. Let's talk about Juice Season 2. Do you say Season 2 in this country or Series 2? It's series I think. It is Series 2. But then I get confused because we talk about the whole thing as a series. Like, we can slag off the Americans all we want for the use of language.

But actually, when we're calling the entire thing a series and then we're breaking it up into individual series, we are the stupid ones. No, it's a show and a series. Stop trying to get work in. American, man. Please. Any Americans listening? I can do accents. Mouan, let's talk about

due season two. What can the listeners be excited about? Because the first one, you want a BAFTA, there's no small thing. No, I know. That's horrible, in it. Is this worst case scenario? You want a BAFTA for series. It's terrible, man. It's just ruined my life. You got it.

Well, just that, like, let me just make a show and then don't compare it to anything, and then don't tell me good. And don't watch it. And don't watch it. Like, leave me alone. Let me make my show in a cave and then just like, you know, clock on, clock off

and go home and make a meal and be happy. No, but like, basically, I'm trying not to think about that a lot. I'm just trying to write the show I want to write. You know, it's funny. Because when you make the first one, no one cares. Uh-huh. And then when they care and then it's harder. But what I'm really enjoying about it

is a bit of a horror theme emerging. It's more surreal. it's taken a whole different stylistic avenue which you know people were like wow this show is so weird and I was like this is me warring it down then they give me a series too

so we're having a lot of fun with it man yeah I'm really I'm really excited great and will any juice be appearing on your menu today are you a juice guy I hate juice I hate juice let me just say that for the record that's going to be the clickbait out there now

I also hate mango chutney. I've got a song about mango chutney. Yeah, yeah. I hate that. You got a song about it's mangoes in general, right? Yeah, I love mangoes. Yeah, yeah. But I don't have a mango chutney.

That's not mango, it's just like sugar, in it? I completely agree with you. I don't like mango trachny either. Yeah, yeah. I can't taste any mango in that. No. Yeah. Most mango flavor things, don't taste a mango.

Yeah. Mango shower gel is apple. Smell it. Smell it. Smell any mango challenge, and close your eyes. Yeah. It's apple. Apple with a bit of pineapple.

Yeah. It's not mango, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're conning us. Mango vape. There's a mango vape? Yeah. It's disgusting.

Triple mango. Triple mango. So does it say the types? Yeah, no, because they release a triple mango and you're like, I don't even remember you're releasing a double mango. No. How's this triple mango? Yeah. We don't have the first two sequels.

But like, they take something that doesn't taste like mango and then times it by three. That makes it worse. That's not triple pineapple, there's triple pineapple and apple. Yeah. It's an atrocity. So for you, when you enjoy mango is just pure mango. Yeah, yeah, I'm talking Pakistani mango or Jamaican mango. I'm not, you know, I don't, I don't.

I've never heard anyone shout out the Jamaican mango before. Jamaica, Jamaica, I know Pakistani mangoes are the best. I know Pakistani mangoes, like, people that are absolutely obsessed with it. If it was it in that other room, we could smell it from here. Yeah. And which types of mango is that? I don't know the name. I just call it.

What's the Alfonso one? That's the one I hear the most amount of love. Yeah, that might be Indian mango. It's not new. Maybe. A new mango? Are you crazy? Ed, listen to what you're saying.

When mango season, it's Indian mango. Indian. When mango season comes around near where I live is like every shop turns into a mango shop. Yeah. And they're all in individual boxes. The mangoes just look so nice. They're just all in like...

You can't buy a big of gold tintsaw on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so random. My little tinsel on each and a... The label that goes in a tiny bit of tintsall in every mango. I don't know the mango... Mango... I don't know the mango...

Oh, yeah, it's an Asian thing. Like, if you get it from like an Asian store, you get a box. Yeah. And they all have, like, the label with the, like, brand on it. You know, the little sticky fruit label. But then, like, with the label, there's a bit of, like, gold tinsel. I love that. Mango's a huge, man.

Huge. I know, mangoes are huge. I just didn't know they get tinsel on them. Like, I thought only Christmas trees. I have tinsel on them, but a mangoes as well. Yeah. All you're around, mate. Yeah, you ain't lived, man.

I don't think I have. I think I have that I didn't know. I co-host a food podcast. I didn't know that mangoes have tinsel. What else would you put tinsel in if you wanted to, like, up the sales figures? Triple mango vape, obviously, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? If you really want to convince me as mango.

Yeah, tinsel on it. Put some tinsle on it. Yeah, man. The shower gel as well should have it on. Yeah, but just stick it on. Yeah. Get festive, man. I think tinsel's really dropped off in the last decade.

I think way less people have tinsle on their Christmas trees now. Yeah, what's that about? I think people think it's tacky now. Yeah, but do you think it will come full circle, like flares? I think it will. I think it will be back like flares, yeah. Yeah, I'm wearing flares. Yeah, they're great.

Very well dressed. Maybe I'll start, I'll put tinsul on my Christmas. I don't even do Christmas trees, but I'll do it for tinsle. Or just get a massive mango and put it in your front room. Yeah. Yeah. Tintel up. Mangoes as baubles.

Yeah. Not bad. That would talk. That'll be very on brand for me, yeah. We always start with still a spark and water, my one. Do you have a preference? Still, man. Come on now.

Yeah, come on. Sparkling water, man, is chaos. Chaos. How is it chaos? It's two different... A gas and a water should not fuse. They're two different elements. Is that the word elements?

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Look, we don't know. It was discovered by accident, in it? Was it? Sparkling water? Yeah. Yeah, it was like some guy who put a bowl of water

above a vat of beer in a brewery. Right. And he, I don't know, the full details. I'm not the scientist. You know, I knew you didn't know the full details as soon as you started telling us this. Because it started with the phrase some guy. Some, yeah.

In Leeds, I know it was invented. Wow. That's good. Yeah, how about that? Yeah, but I don't, like, don't ask me, like, I don't know, like periodic table kind of detail, but I know there was a bowl, there was water. Yeah.

And it was above some distillery thing. Yeah. So he, what was it? It was like nitrogen, no, not nitrogen. Carbon dioxide, it's carbon dioxide. Yeah, I think it's carbon dioxide, yeah. Shit, I'm really clever. I guess I'm a joke.

It's a very clever. Yeah, but why? Also, you're putting gas in your body. That's got to make you gaseier. Do you not like being gassy? No. I love being gassy sometimes. You love it?

Yeah, if I have a fizzy drink, I love that. I love burps. I think if you're, if you're like burping a baron, it's like, great, get it out. It's a good feeling, right? Yeah, it's great. But if you're having something that's causing you gas, that I don't want to fuck with. Do you know what I mean?

Like, it's like I don't, I don't want to have, like, lentils that haven't been soaked properly. Right. Because it would just fuck me up for the day. Yeah, I agree with that. Anything out the back I'm not into. A big burp, I love. Yeah, a big burp's great. So only lentils that aren't soaked properly give you the gas.

Yeah, do you not know this? No, I didn't. Look, you're teaching me more than any guest has ever taught. Oh, my God. And we're not even at the start yet. So, you've got to soak your lentils, girls. Yeah. And you've got to do it, like, all night.

That's a T-shirt, by the way. get that printed up. Sirk your lentils, girls. But you've got to do it all night and not too long because then they go poisonous. I know what, I think that's kidney beans, isn't it? I used to live in a commune with like seven hippies and, like, it was all about never canned food.

It was always like soak shit, like, get it. And we used to get this big, like, bulk order from Sumer, right? And used to order, like, the size of my height, kind of bag of lentils and rice and stuff. So it was all this, like, soaking malaki. What was the gas situation in the commune? Well, if someone didn't soak them properly, you'd get gassy.

All of the hippies. Yeah, you could tell, like, it was like everyone, like, sinking periods. It was like, we knew when someone hadn't soaked the lentils properly. Because it was a gassy week. Yeah, no one liked a match. No. Because his commune's going up. Yeah.

Crack a window. Like Waco by the end of it. Where was this place? It was commie. In Shadwell. How long were you in it for? A couple of years. And it was, it was like an old, it was next to a chicken shop.

And it was like a old shop that had been converted. So our living room had a shop front. So people would walk past thinking it was some kind of art installation. It was just in there living our lives. It was the first place I ever sort of lived with other people. Was it difficult to tear yourself away from the commune? When I say commune, yeah. I'm not talking wild, wild country.

You mean a house, yeah. I mean, how it killed people? It was a commune. I say commune because we did everything communally. And also there was, we used the, door as a kitchen countertop. It was that kind of, do you know what I mean? Like, we did, everything was built with like pallets and stuff. It was a shit house.

It was, thank you. Is that what you mean? It was a shit house. Yes. We didn't kill anyone to start a religion. Yeah. But we could have, because the rent was so cheap. Yeah. I think you're charismatic enough you could convince some people to do that. Do you think? How many people do you reckon you could convince to, I guess, kill people? Well, were you killing them for? Do you not I mean?

What about to you? What were they doing in the wild? country, it was just... It's yoga, wasn't it? It was... In the name of yoga. How many people... You could meditate on it afterwards.

Because that's the thing about killing people. It's stressful, isn't it, really? It must be. You've got to assume it's stressful. Spiritual practices that get the heart rate down. Yeah. Yeah, you know. I think even if you're into it, it's stressful.

Just the laying low afterwards and stuff and not wanting to get caught, surely. Exactly. I'd struggle to get to sleep, I reckon. Yeah. After a day of killing people. I have nightmares that I'm hiding a body somewhere. Do you?

And I've not even, I've not even done that. Yeah. How about that? And have you looked at what that means? Because that's got to mean something. No. But you're worried about something else in life. Yeah.

Being found out. Yeah. I had an awful nightmare the other night. Here we go. This is fresh. Michael Barrymore was sick on my back. He drank too much Pepsi Max and then he pukes on my back in the street. That's so visceral.

Yeah. But he wouldn't let go in my shoulder. So I knew he was going to be sick, but I was trying to get away from me. wouldn't let go on my shoulder and then he puked all down my back because he had too much Pepsi Max. I feel like this might have been a dream but I can really see him doing that.

Yeah. It's kind of like the story someone would tell on Grave Nord. Yeah. When I met Michael Barrymore, yeah, and everyone would laugh but it wouldn't age well. No.

There's some of those Norton clips where you go back five years or 60 years in a month but were we all laughing about that? That's not funny. That's horrible. You've got back from. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly. We're thinking of the same clip. He wasn't well, you know. He was feeling sick. It wasn't like, he wasn't doing any delight in that. But he just, he was like holding on to me, I think, for some reassurance. And you turned your back on him? And he just had to go.

I was trying to get away from him because I knew he was going to be sick. You were walking down the street. Yeah, yeah. And then you felt a hand on your shoulder. Yeah. You turned around. Barrymore. Empty bottle of Pepsi Max.

So you know that's why he's being sick. And he's not letting go your shoulder. So I'm trying to get away from him. And then, yeah, he's like, sickled out my back. And then I woke up and told my wife what had happened. On the subject of, And you're telling me your wife that is, that's, you're playing with fire there because your wife has a phobia of people being sick.

Yeah, I wonder whether that was something to do with it. Someone told me, yeah, this came from a therapist. Not my therapist. Okay. It happened to be a therapist who said this. Your therapist got a shout out in your BAFTA speech? Yeah, he did. Generally true that week.

Pleased with that? With therapist, not you? Okay, I don't know if this is a coincidence here. But the next week you put his fee up, swear to God. I was like, has he seen it? Yeah. Definitely. Yeah.

Absolutely. Like I said, thank you to him. Yeah, yeah. You did name drop him, did you? I don't owe him everything. Do you mean? It was a, you did it in a funny way. I know.

But also, I didn't thank that many people. I came off and then, like, people were like, you didn't thank the production company. You didn't thank anyone who worked on the show. And so then I don't want him taking all the credit for, like, my, like, me doing well kind of thing. Sure. Yeah. I mean, he shouldn't be watching that anyway, surely.

Ethically. Exactly. He shouldn't be watching the speech. Well, but then, you know, when you're doing public facing jobs. Do you wonder, like, you know, the people, I don't know, your therapist, you're gynecologist, your confidential gang, yeah. For me, that's the same personal. Of course.

Of course. I've got an old-in-wonner. It's efficient. You don't have time you're on the telly. You've got to do an all-a-one-one-chammer job. But, you know, like, do they know? Yeah. And you can't really ask because then they're like,

oh, I didn't know that, I'll look it up. Yeah. You don't want anyone looking it up. No, my. I once walked past my therapist in the street. I was walking on the street arm and I'm with my girlfriend walked past the therapist and we just like nodded at each other and my girlfriend was like

who was that? And I was like it was my therapist and she laughed a lot and then she told her therapist about it. I was like I told my therapist you saw your therapist in the street and you both nodded at each other like you were spies like it was secret and we both really laughed at you. I was like what? You guys laughing at us? We're cool.

What's the evil organisation in Marvel? It's like that. Yeah, Hydra. Yeah, Hydra. It's like you're both moms of Hydra. Then we walk on, El Hydra. Pop-dums or bread! Pop-dums or bread, more than this one. Pop-Doms or bread. Pomp-Doms all day, man.

Give me the crackle. Yeah, the crackle. People have a very talked about the crackle on here. Yeah, dude, it's all about food is all about the sensuality. Do you know what I mean? The texture, the sounds and the... Bread, you're not getting sound. You're not getting a crack.

And also, my mum, for my birthday, she got me a popadom. holder so that, you know, when you put a popadum in a microwave, you know when sometimes if you don't put it on something, it gets burn in the middle, have you ever done that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then you eat around the burn, but it's horrible, do I mean? You're like, you just like question all your life decisions. Whereas with this, it's like a little, it's like a little, you know, the pizza table in the middle of a pizza? Yes. It's like that, but bigger. Got a rest of your papadom on it. A little popadom rest. A restaurant papadom? Yeah, man. That's great. A popadom's empty calories? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So that's a good, that's a good snack leading

up to a meal, right? Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Because, yeah, it's a crisp, basically. You're perhaps in what you preach. Here comes full circle, you know. How many do you want? How many dips do you want?

I want it. I know you don't want mango chutney. Don't want mango chutney, right? But I'll have it on the table. Mm-hmm. Because it's nice to have, like, an array, you don't mean? Or I have a bit of mango chutney if I'm also like offsetting it with yogurt, writer, like a chaw, what's that called?

Pickle. Yeah. I should use the word. But yeah, pickle. I use all the words. This is a professional writer, everybody. He's got all the words. No, I said the Urdu word, right?

Because in Urdu, it's like a char. I thought you said, I used all the words. I thought you were posting the word. I use all the words. Does somebody say pickle? That's more than a syllable. I'm damn clever. Mango pickle is amazing.

Oh, okay. That tastes like mango. Yes. With bits of mango in the skin as well. like, it's wrong, but it's right. Like proper pickled and spicy. Propper. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like spicy food. Yeah. But I'll have, if I can control the amount, put it with some writer, we're good.

Lovely. Yeah, man. If you're in a group, do you be mother with the pop-in-oms? Do you smash them? Break them up for everyone with your hand? I don't do that. I don't do karate chop. No. No. I do, I break it in my mouth. So, like, take a whole one. A whole one and take a bite.

Yeah, and I want to bite it, and I want it to go, eh. I want Popadom in my everywhere I want to be finding it in my beard for weeks later you got to make a mess but I don't want the mess to be on the table

also if you crack one they're all cracked and then what's that you're having like it's all little fragments sure so you want to get the whole one take a bite

and then it falls where it may yeah exactly but you don't want any on the table you want it all on you I want it all of me it's how I eat popcorn you do this and you just throw it at your face

and the third of it goes in, the rest of like, I want to be in the cinema, and like, when you get up at the end, it's like a flood of all the snacks you've had. You've got to get up and fully brush yourself down, right? Get it all off, yeah, yeah. I opened a pack of hardboard sweets too fast in the cinema once, and it hit the lady in front of me in the back of the head, and she turned around and call me a little shit.

She turned around and you little shit. Why are you eating hard-boiled sweets in the cinema? I was like, I don't know, 15. In Victorian times? Yes. in Kettering in the early 2000s, so exactly in Victorian times, I'd go to the big

Tesco, I'll buy a packet of fruit sherbots, loads of different flavours. Money, please have you had fruit sherbots at the motion picture. And me and my friends would go to the cinema, I'd always eat these fruit sherbots, I'd crunch them up, great. There was lime and lemon and black, currant and strawberry

in there, and orange. And this particular time, just too eager, open it really fast, bam, bam, bam, in the back in the back of this woman's head, you little shit. Oh, Joe, fair enough, though. I'm on her side. What?

You're throwing popcorn in your face getting everywhere. Popcorn has a soft landing. Yeah. You know, hard-boiled, that's aggression, man. Yeah, it's bad. That's, you know, get yourself, you know, strawberry lace, chill out. And they're individually wrapped. Individly, so you're in the cinema.

Yeah, bad for the environment, sure. Yeah, yeah. And noisy. You're a noisy little boy. Yeah, very noisy. People didn't like it. You went to the cinema with your mom at 15. Go on.

How you put that in? Oh, sorry. I just pictured your mom with a Victorian umbrella I don't know No I'm fucking Mary Poppins He put that in I bet you did go to this

No I've got me with Matthew Hey nothing wrong we're going with your It's okay It's nice Look after your mum I'm defensive What's wrong with you Why do you hate your mum so much

Why do you hate your mum yeah I hate my mum I don't hate my mum I don't hate you Oh yeah But a thing The therapist told me right That every in every dream

Everyone in your dream is a version of you So really what happened was you threw up on yourself And you projected in Michael. Michael Barrymore. What does that say about you? Yeah, which part of my personality does Michael Barrymore represent?

Barrymore represents you worrying that your career is going to go real bad at some point. Or just a great all-round entertainer. Yes, but a great all-round entertainer whose future looks shady and bad and something bad's going to happen to you. And you will fall out of favor, even though you're extremely talented. It says a lot about you this dream, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Does say a lot about you.

I think, puking on your own back. Well, we've just, sorry, we've just assumed that Michael Barrymore's me and this. No? Well, one said that, that's based on actual stuff. That's scientific shit. But it's also good because when you have a dream and you're like, oh my God, I killed a person or I did something really bad. You're like, oh, it's just a version of me. It's fine, I just killed myself in the GA.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And that's fine. Or if you have a sex dream about someone. And the next thing, you're like, wow, I don't like, you know, at work. like, oh, what have I said? It's like, no, I just sexed myself. I prefer to have that, Dream. What?

It'd be a bunch of different versions of me, and we all just wanky Joe, what? Oh, right, yeah. That says a lot about you, more than Pepsi says about you, yeah. Yeah, in a long line or in a circle? Joe, what? If I'm going to put in a request of my imagination, I'd like, I'd like to try both at some point.

Yeah. Because if you're kind of doing your dream, where can you do it, you know what I guess in a circle would be nicer because then everyone's getting Everyone's getting something, yeah. The guy at the front. The guy at the front or the guy at the back, it depends how we're doing it. Yeah. Doesn't it?

Circle, you've got eye contact as well. Circle, everyone can look at each other. They're showing a circle, but you're facing out of the circle. Then you can't make eye contact. You know. That would be the craziest way to do it. You're in a circle, but you're all facing outside. To watch a check, see if anyone's coming.

Yeah. Or at least one of you has to do that. Yeah. Just one of you, everyone else is facing inside, and one of you is the lookout. It's just there. Well, you know in cartoons when there'll be cartoon characters having a huddle, they're normally chickens all having a huddle discussing something, and occasionally someone's head will pop up and look around.

Like that, specifically chicken one. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like the writers' room for humans end up to be. I feel like this is how they came up in it. Yeah, yeah. Okay, but what if ergonomically, actually, they all faced each other? They should get us in the writer's room for that. I think they're still doing sequels for that.

Yeah. No. Yeah, come on. They should do a series. They're like you. They're like, oh, man, when we write the first one, no one had any expectations on it. And now we've got to follow it up again.

How are we going to make it even more fun of that? Fun fact, back in the day when I used to make YouTube videos, the mum from Human Centipede was in a video of mine. That's cool. Did you ask much about Human Centipede? I didn't want to be that guy. He was just like, you know, tell me about your most famous project. Do you know what I mean?

Your dream starter. So I think a lot about Tel-I-W food. No? Yeah. No, keep going. Also, on the way here, I was listening to a song that mentioned Teletubbies. Was it the Tully Tubby's theme, do you? Yeah, yeah.

Because it does mention it a lot. That soundtrack, bang. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, it made me think, I thought about Teletubbies. I just said, no, you brought them up. I think about all the time. I think about that, you know, that pink custard that used to pipe through the bowl, like the pipe was the bar.

Tubby custard. Tubby custard. I think about the smiley-faced toast. Yeah. And it's like therapy, and it's just soothing. Like, yeah, I want to be there in Telitabby land. Yeah. I don't want none of the Telitabby's there because that's creepy.

Yeah, sure. Right? We're past that now. Do you have a gig with Tinky Winky? Did I have a gig with Tinky Winky? Yeah, yeah. A few of us have that. He was a comedian.

He was like an alternative comic from the 80s. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But you play Tinky Winky Winky. So you occasionally be on a bill with him and everyone would say to you know, that's Tinky Winky Winky. No. Would you talk about it? Yeah, sometimes.

he talked about not on stage, but like, you know, obviously they wouldn't believe him because they just assumed that comedians are lying, so you would kind of see him talking about being Tinky Winking, I was like, don't think so, mate. But like, we knew. Tinky Wings is a green one, in it? The purple one. Oh, it wasn't the one with the hat. No, it's the tallest one. Dipsy had the hat.

That's hard, though, in it? You're not even the star. Yeah. Because the hat, he was the, he was the solo career kind of. Yeah? I don't know. I think you asked different people. They'll tell you a different, you know, tell you tell you this for the star, because they're the, You know, they resonated with that person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you're just like a dipsy guy. I identify with Poe quite a lot. Yeah. Yeah, because it was like the afterthought. Yeah, always last. Per. We've been a bit, you know, I mean, they're like, oh, I guess Poe is all. But you don't want any of them to be there while you're eating your meal.

I don't want any of them to be there. No, because I'm always adults in, like, costumes. And then I feel like that's, like, verging, you know, like, sort of baby fetish territory. Yeah, or like, like, furry sort of thing in my life. Do you know what I mean? But I want my friends there. I want like my perfect birthday would be, we'd like take, you know, like you can get an Airbnb and go be in a castle for a bit or whatever. What friends? Which friends? Is all the people you didn't mention in your BAFTA speech? Yeah. Because your therapist took, say sorry. Imagine taking your therapist to tell you don't be like, you'd get into it, isn't it?

Yeah. He'd be like, well, let's unpack this one. A friend who won't unpack shit. Or unpack the psychology of like why I'm desperate to go back to the. that time when, you know, that show was so soothing. You know, like when life was easier, basically. Yeah. Life's easy in Tubbyland, right, in Tully Tubbyland. Yeah, the sun's having to laugh.

The son. The son's a baby. The son's a fucking baby, man. The son can be there. Yeah. The son can be there. What about the Hoover? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyone who's not like a man in a suit? Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? So the Hoover can be there, Nunu's there. Noonu's there. And also, because we've got to make a mess. Do you know what? There's going to be racks and lines of Coke

that gun you need to be going to need to be going to be a party. Well, Popperdoms for a start. Noon is going to be going to go wild. Poppercombe. Yeah. That's going to be working overtime. I wish those to be back. It feels unethical now, isn't it? It's like, is Noonu getting paid?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You know in lockdown when the Kardashians had that like holiday and they had like the help in the background wearing masks? Obviously not. Obviously I don't know about that. But yeah. Oh, sure.

Yeah. During lockdown, they did. through a party and there was like photos of like the help in the background like like serving and like masks and stuff anyway, that's what I want Nunu to be Yeah, okay Do you want tubby custard and tubby toast as your starter

I want tubby toast Yeah, because let's not get crazy No, I'm not trying to have dessert before my main Do you know what I mean? That would have been nice though I would like that if you had tubby custard and tubby toast Yeah, I hear you maybe maybe we could dip it in Oh come on surely you want to dip the tubby toast Because they go together right

See what it's like Yeah. Yeah, and it just, the main thing is it needs to look really plasticky. Like it needs, do you know what I mean? It can't, because it looks so vague, and that's why it was so delicious. What do you think tubby custard and tubby toast tastes like? I reckon like art department making food, which is not real food, do you know what I mean? But if I was to really suspend my disbelief and what I wanted it to taste like as a kid,

the toast would taste like, um, You know, those edible, you know, you get like some things that look like they're not edible, but then they are, like, little marble cakes or, you know what I mean? Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, yeah, yeah. No, you know, when the sugar, like, goes all shiny because the way it's, like, cooked on and it's, like, snaps in your mouth. Like, that's what I wanted to taste like. Oh, now I'm confused.

Like, sort of glazed, like, with the, yeah. You know, almond nuts, yeah? Mm-hmm. You know, sometimes they put, like, a sugar coating on them. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And then they're, like, yeah, a little shell.

Yeah, shell. It's another shell. It's another... Yeah. Of course. It's all about that, yeah. Yeah. It's like a really thick popadum.

Yeah. With glazing. Yeah. Like if someone got a popadum and put like crispy cream glaze on it. Yes. Like if you put it through the glaze curve. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But it's hardened. The whole thing's that hard. Yeah. I want to do this and like... Royal icing, I think. It might be like royal icing. Yeah. I think about like crispy cream glaze now on a popadom.

You said crispy clean, actually. I did say that earlier. I know the, I was struggling. with a tubby custard. Yeah. Like, all these words now are confusing me.

Would you go through the glaze curtain? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. If someone at Krispy Cream was like, lay down on that convey about what?

Absolutely. You just go through the glass. Absolutely. And be covered in it. Yeah. Yeah. Are you laying on it on your back,

on your front? On, on my back, because my front, I've got a bit of a hairy chest. Hair's just complicated. We've glazed, you know, we've all been there.

It's a nice. Getting it out. Do you know what I mean? I think that at this point in my life I've never had a hairy chest. My back's hairier than my front. Yeah? Is it?

Yeah, I think so. Wow, man. You wear that like a badge of honor. Yeah, rarely. That's a vibe. Rarely check out the old back to see what's going on there. But when I do, I'm like,

that's the last place you want somebody to be sick now. Exactly. Much rather. Go, Barrymore, get it on my chest. Get it on my chest. Get that fizzy sick on my chest. For God's sake, Barrymore. Hepty vomit.

Yeah. To get out in glazing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that is very hard. Imagine going for the Michael Baramore Vaumcurtain. Get a conveyor belt. They've riged Baramore up. He's had 10 Pepsi Maxes.

We don't title these episodes like some podcasts do, but I think if we did, it would be cool. This episode will be the Michael Barrymore Vom Curtain. Yeah. So, yeah, Dream Starter. Yeah. Yeah. What's tubby custard tasting like, do you think?

Sweet? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. Otherwise, it would be gunged, wouldn't it? Like, you'd just be eating. Sure. Yeah, we want sweet. We don't want it too sweet so you can have loads of it.

I think, like, again, you know the crispy cream filling kind of donut filling. Yeah. Like that, but pink. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. I like this.

Your dream main course? So, growing up, yeah, we had a lot of Asian food. But every now and again my mom would make English food, right? And it was our favorite day, right? And my mom's English food. She'd make one thing when it was English food day. And she'd get pen-a-pasta, a whole block of butter, can of beans, can of sweet corn. There's your English food.

And it tasted like happiness. It was amazing. And I've not had that since I was a kid. Yeah. So I would have that. English food. English food. Do you think if you had it now...

Your forefathers had it, right? Yeah. The Pentee pastor. The pastor, of course. Yeah, yeah. The most British of things. Heinz is actually quite British. Yeah, the beans were baked beans. That's what I assumed, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baked beans, like kind of baked beans, yeah, yeah. No one's going to be soaking overnight. Do you know what I mean? Like, no one... The baked beans is the sauce, right? Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And when you mix it, yeah.

it with the butter, it's, oh, it's heaven, man. Yeah. Do you think it would taste as good now if you had it now, or do you think it was because it was the big treat when you were a kid? I think it would still taste good because put a block of butter in anything that would taste good. I mean, I think it was the butter that made it, let's face it. Even if you put it in sweet corn, baked beans and panay pasta.

Yeah, no, I would, yeah. No, no, no, no, guys, don't knock it do you try it? Because the baked beans were soft, but the sweet corn gave a little bite. So it had all the texture It is actually like I bet if they did a Colonial Culinary

Culinary that's the word Yeah I mean it's English food So colonially Yeah Yeah I think that's what we would do Quite well

If they did a colonially test Right I bet there would be a thing of like The sort of five textures That a food makes That makes food satisfying Yeah And that dish has everything

Like it ticks all the boxes I think all the textures there are softer. Salt, acid, fat, heat, a lot of people say what you need, all of the elements of things that you need. Salt's definitely in there. Definitely got salt. Yeah. You got a bit of a mush, you got a bit of a bite.

I don't know where the bite is. They all sound soft to me. The sweet one sounds soft to me. No, no, no. It's not slow-cooked clams. She's... She'll lift you. Bung it in mix, here you go.

She was busy. She had three jobs. Yeah, yeah. And then she's doing more cooking throughout the week is like more. efforts going into the other dishes. No, really? No. No. So what sort of, what are you having on the rest of the days, the Asian days? We had a lot of lentils. We had rice.

Another when she was busy and couldn't be out. Mama, it's terrible cook. She'd get a chapati, roti. And believe it or not, she wasn't a train show. Margarine, sugar, roti. That sounds quite nice. Yeah, absolutely. It was great. It was great.

But like, do you know what? Now that I say it sounds quite like pauper food. Back in the day, it was not. It was like, you know, it was a treat when we got to do that. Now it just sounds like it sounds like bare minimum survival food now, doesn't it? It's still tasty though. Also, this English day is really funny that you'd be excited for English day. I love that it's English day.

You're excited about it. And it's a made-up dish that is mainly pasta. So how that's English is the people. But I really love it. It's very. The logic is, if it's not Asian, it's English food. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Like, we could be having noodles, you'd be like, it's so English. Yeah, yeah. And also because you're excited for it because it's the thing that you don't have most of the time. It's the lovely. Yeah, yeah. Except for when we got to like 15, then my mom would always start these like randomized businesses. She was a hustler, you know. So she, once she started a catering business, but she'd always be stuff like she had no experience in.

Yeah. So she bought loads of like frozen food. And it was the same, you know, the same, you know, the same thing. company who sells meals to schools. So it'd be like the hash browns you'd get at school, the mashed potato mix you'd get at school. And yeah, so when we were like had to cook for ourselves, we'd just like, we had this massive freezer. School dinners at home. Yeah, all beige. Yeah. All beige. Yeah. I ain't really badly grown up, I'm not gonna lie. It does sound like it. Are you putting any like cheese on top of the pasta baked beans, sweet corn?

The English food. The English food, sorry. Yeah, it depends sometimes. Yeah. We'd have like, You know, the weak grated cheddar in the fridge. Yeah, yeah. But that is very English. Very English. So that's literally Audi, like, grated cheese. That goes off in like a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's covered in this weird dust to try and keep it fresh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What even is it? Yeah. English. It's English. I would like to try this dish. I would like to try it in just to see what it's like.

You can't say this immigrant family didn't simulate into this country. That is what we would normally say. We will edit that in after you've left. Yeah, yeah. But we'll make it look like we said it to your face so people don't get us on it. Yeah, that's our catchphrase.

We said it to his face, you didn't it have a problem. You've had a... You just had a drink out of your bottle of water. Now, I hope you don't mind me picking you up on this. You did it a few times. You, when you drink out of a bottle, I've noticed, you make sure your lips don't touch the bottle. Is that fair?

Well, when in school we used to all share, like, a bottle of water. That's what it is. It's sharing at school, that's the technique. Panda pops, you sky it. Yeah. I think the word I heard most in school would be backwash, because they'd be like, don't backwash it. Don't backwash it in my drink.

Exactly, man. It was a big thing. It was a big thing. And I feel like these days we've lost a sense of community and everyone's got their own drinks, you know what? We're all on our own screens. We're all on our own bottle of water.

And actually, past the panda pop round, y'all. Yeah, because you're constantly thinking about what if someone wants a sip of this? What if one of us, Benito, for example, wanted a sip of that drink, you're like, I want to be able to hand it to it? Conscious, consciously, not. But now I'm like, yeah. You're still in the commune in your head.

I'm still in the commune. Do you want a bit of mold? Ben said no. Why? It didn't it backwash? You saw it. You're going to have that tea all to yourself? You're greedy little boy?

Selfish. A dream side dish. Will this be English as well? Will this be so quintessentially English? Heads up. My dream menu is very English. Yeah. So far.

I've, uh... So far all of it is very English. The tummy custard. I've got a moment. It's obviously British. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, enough. Yeah, yeah.

Exploiting cleaners on no wages. Very English. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so my, the greatest pleasure food wise already made me love the greatest pleasure oh

my one's chair just went all the way down for the listener which we haven't we haven't had this before but the chair you set me up I think

Belito did not set you up I think you accidentally knocked a little lever and it's made you go all the way down so that the mic is now pointing at your forehead I'm just going to stay like this I think these chairs might be related to No, no. It's a similar kind of device.

God, I mean, look, this has already been a great episode, but I know what the clip's going to be. Yeah, the clips are going to be when your chair fucked up. Just disappearing out of frame. Do you do this? It's like power play, man. Yeah, it's a power play. We got you. I swear I didn't do anything. You looked at me as if I was doing it somehow.

I don't trust you. We thought we've all, we've rigged that up. Yeah. What was the greatest pleasure I was talking about? Your side dish. My side dish is a greatest pleasure. Some reason I'm like, just lost hope in life. You know me like, begin, the greatest place, and then you just deflates.

Go home now. Okay, no, the, you know, the cheat, if you do any kind of cheese bake, the crusty bit on the side, that's a bit burnt, the pan's scraping. Yeah. I want a whole plate of that. That's a good. Oh, this is good. It's the best bit.

Fuck, it happened again. Did you touch other thing? Sorry, I'm sorry. Did you touch anything on the chair? I think you might have to stand, I think you might have to stand fully off the chair. Yeah, to sort it out. Right. I think when it comes to the question, what is greatest pleasure?

Then cheese scrapings from around the dish is, I think everyone would agree, is an acceptable answer for greatest pleasure. Certainly. And I love the idea of a side dish, which is just a whole plate of cheese scraping. A whole plate of that. Yeah. And I want it done like a fancy meal, right? So I want a massive plate, but I want it to be like a little centre tiny bit. Yeah.

A little basil on top or something. Nice. A little squeakily sauce line. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't want it to look like dregs, but it's like dregs made to look like some fancy. Is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings from?

Yeah, a pasta. A lasagna? Like a really English lasagna. Yeah. Are we in? I was going to say London. Yeah. And we are.

So, let's know. The myth doesn't really work. If you said, are we in London. Lasagna. Are we in London? Yes, we are in London. I would walk on this podcast right. where we're, huh?

I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said, are we in London? Are we in London? Yep. See you later. The worst riff I've ever done. Yeah, man.

Are we in London? Get that on a T-shirt. Yeah, so that. Like, scrapey, scrappy. That's great. I love scrapy. On the plate, when you've got the fancy thing, are you having them like,

you know how people put the triple cooked chips and they do them in a look at Jenga-towery kind of way? Is that how you're getting the scrapings up? Are you lining them up? Scrape is scrape. Are you lining them up in twos and look a little tower? I imagined them like a pyramid. Like a furniture or a shape.

Yeah, yeah. Like a sort of little tower pyramid. A pyramid of Scrapey, scrapie. Yeah. With a little garnish on top. Nice. And maybe even he has a fancy name. Like Dregondere.

Dregondere. Dregondre. Dregondre. Dregondre. Yeah, yeah. It's like the dregs. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what on derr means.

Under plate. On de plate. Dregondre. plate. Drag on the plate. Yeah. This is my dream side dish. Yeah, I like the drag on dirt.

Is there a particular, like, cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of, or is it like a mix of cheeses or? Yeah. Do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into is the one that begins with E? Edam. E-DAM, because it melts well, isn't it? Yeah. I think I don't think I've ever melted E-DAM, you know.

Is it A-DAM? I think it is. It's one of the Swiss ones. Yeah, yeah. Emmental. Emmental. Emmental, yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit is good.

Yeah. You can have scrappy, scrappy, Emmental. Yeah, that was part of a lasagna. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, lasagna. Who do you want to eat the lasagna? Because obviously, you're not getting that. You're getting just the scraping from it.

Yeah, but who do you want to eat? You're going to send that to someone to eat it because we've got to get rid of it. We're not going to throw that away. We don't like waste in the dream. Or do you want Nunu to suck it up? Oh, fuck it. No, no, not go to waste. You know what you did.

What? Do you want Nunu to suck it? Anyway, so we're not having Nuneu suck the lasagna up. No, I don't want food going to waste. Do you know what I mean? Who do you want to get it? We've got a table at the end of the restaurant. Someone's there, who's there?

Do you know, I just send it to my mum to be like, this is what Italian food tastes like. Do you know what I mean? She's not buying that. She's absolutely saying, oh, this is my favourite new English fish. She'd be like, where's the sweet corner of the baked beans? They fuck this one up big time. Your wonderful PR Fraser arrived earlier,

and he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day and I want to eat it so. Don't say, I want to eat it so much. I think it sounds delicious. Would like ink is the sauce? I don't know if ink was the sauce, actually. I should have asked Fraser. Fraser, can hear it.

He's in the opposite room. Fraser, apologies, so I didn't ask you what the sauce was. But maybe it's ink as the sauce. I don't know, man. Cattlefish is nice. It's like really white and meaty, right? Yeah, I've only had it recently. I think it's delicious.

Yeah. But lasagna, lasagna, though. Lanzania's all, ladies. in cuttlefish? Like bits of cuttlefish in a layer? Is it a layer thing? That's what's putting you off. Yeah, man. If you're going to layer something, it needs to be spreadable. Do you know what I mean? This is like

cuttlefish is like a little bit to me. I don't know. This feels wrong. I know what you mean. Unless you're like putting in a blender and turning it into like something like mince. I don't know if it is minced. I should have asked Fraser. Fraser, I feel like I didn't hold up my end of the conversation. You've really dropped Fraser in it here. Face, I've got you in it so bad. I'm sorry, man.

Have you ever had Parmesan crisps? No. You know, when, so grated parmesan, put them in the oven, they melt, and then you get them out, and they solidify quite quickly. So it's basically posh cheese scrapings. Perfect. And you can buy them from, like, I mean, I've seen them in whole foods, where you can buy tubs of just parmesan crisps.

Amazing. This sounds great. I'm obsessed with making the buy product, the main meal. Yeah, I think that's really good, yeah. Custard, right? The skin is the best bit. And I know this divides people. I know it divides people.

Well, I eat just the skin. If someone said to me, our dessert is custard skin, I would be intrigued. I wouldn't say no to that. Right? I did a, I never, I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping. There's never enough custard skin. Yeah.

So I did a thing where I was like, basically, got custard and put it out in a tray. So it was like a centimeter thin. Great. And it was all skin, right? But it didn't work. Oh. Because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form. So then I tried it again and I fanned it.

Uh-huh. didn't work. So then I was like, I think it needs to like stay hotter for longer. I can say this right now. I can't believe you tried it a third time. I think. No, you're like Heston Blumen time. This is great. But I want to hear the rest of it, but this is astonishing. Because if I didn't do it a third time, then what? That I'd question my life to do even more. Do you know what I mean? Like, if I've taken a day out to do this, let's do all, you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I did? So what I did, I put it on like,

I rested it on stuff, and then I put tea lights underneath, and it worked. Wow. This is why you're a success. This is why I'm a success. This is why I want a bathtub. Why don't you shout out of castor skin in your speech? You should have. I should have.

Your dream drink? Okay, this is a bit cheeky of me, yeah? But there's this drink called Faluda, yeah? Which is actually a dessert. But the logic I'm thinking, it's like, Asian dessert, right? And it's got like, it looks like a pink ramen. Oh, yeah. Right. It's got rose water and rose milk. Yeah. And then what looks like noodles, but it's actually vermicelli. Okay, so like very thin noodles. Yeah, yeah. And then it's got basil seeds.

Where'd you get those? Who don't? Do you know what I mean? It's so specific. And then a dollop of ice cream. How if I never heard of this? Yeah, this sounds up your street. Faluda. It's the gayest drink you'll ever drink. It's amazing. Yes, please. Like fluorescent pink. And what's the ice cream? What kind of ice cream is it? Oh, so pistachio goes really well. But, you know, if you want to be a bit more tame, you can do, like, vanilla and stuff.

But you want pistachia for your drink. I want pistachia, man. It's green and pink. Nice, in it. This sounds good. I like this a lot. And some people might say, oh, but that's a dessert one. Well, my logic is if McDonald's can give you a freaking, what's it?

Milkshake. milkshake, thank you, that English word I always forget. Then, I'm sorry, I can have a valouta with my cheese crepings. Yeah. I think I had this. I actually think I had this last week. What? On my birthday, a falouda.

I think I had this. You just said, how if I not had this? And now you're saying you had it last week. Well, then I just thought about it. Well, you know you didn't. Because you've already said you've not had it. A Jim Carna. I think I did because they bought the desserts out and they didn't, it was like set menu.

And I think it was, I just run through everything that Mawandia said. And I was like, well, that's like, well, that's, actually what I think that's what I had. Florescent pink with noodles aside. It had what looked like verbi-shalli noodles in it? Yeah. It had like a dollar per viscrum in the top. That's what I had.

Great, man. You had a far loo that, man. I had it. Oh, yeah, man. So how did you not know that immediately when Moan was describing it? Because sometimes when you're hearing something be described, it doesn't completely connect. And also because he didn't know what he was happening.

I'm right. He's just checked the website. Yeah, yeah. I had it. I believe you. It was just a mad ton of events. No, he didn't know what was happening to him. I don't know what was happening to me.

If you meet Billy Ocean, but you don't know who Billy Ocean is, you ain't going to remember it in a week. But someone was like, he looks like this. You were like, oh, maybe I met Billy Ocean. So did that happen to you? Yeah. You met Billi Ocean. But I could not tell you what he looks like.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. It's hard, isn't it? I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks like. You know, that's on him. Yeah. We should have worked harder. Yeah, I couldn't tell you what Billy Ocean looks.

I feel like every year Billy Ocean gets put down the league table of famous billies. What is he a singer? Yeah. Surely. Yeah. Is he? Who's the, who's, who is it who turns up in like the final kind of the finale of the wedding singer on the plane? Is that Billy Ocean?

That's Billy Idol. See, there's Billy Idol. There's obviously now Billy Isleish. So Billy Idol's probably annoyed. Whoa. Yeah. If I was Billy Idol, I'd be like, well, at least not in that scene in wedding singer. Because that's, that's, that people are going to watch that for years.

Billy Joel, obviously. So, you know, Billy Joel's ahead of everyone. Billy Bobby Brown. No, I'm thinking of Millie Bobby Brown, which is... Billy Bobby Brown. A teenager. Billy Bobby Brown. Yeah, yeah.

Who was a country singer, who's pissed off at, Millie? Yeah, got to be. Got to be annoyed. But then also, you look at the ocean thing. Frank Ocean, beating Billy Ocean. Absolutely. These days, no one's talking about Billy. Everyone's talking about Frank.

I'm talking about Billy. Yeah, but you didn't even know if he was a singer or not, and you didn't realize it when you met. But I'm talking about it. My favorite chef ever. Yeah. Is there a place where you've had the best Faluda ever? Where it's like that's where you should go to get it?

There's a chain restaurant called Ambala. And I grew up in Ilford and they would have this giant fish tank and they had like a fountain of water go around. And it was like an event going to. Yeah. And they did amazing Faluda. And you know everything's fresh as well. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think they've gone down the pan a bit now.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. That's a shame. Well, they were known for also putting, Have you ever had edible foil? No? You've not had edible foil? For the listener, that wasn't the chair going down again.

That was my one instead. My heart rate shoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, no, edible. Okay, they do it on Indian sweets, right? It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's, I can't believe it. Does it function as foil as well? It's very thin.

Could you wrap up leftovers and take them home in it? It's very thin, but I reckon if they made it a bit thicker, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that would be the shit. like I'm keeping my cod insulated and I can eat the insulation I don't even have to unwrap this yeah that's such a vibe

and then you'd like pull it out at work out your tupperware and everyone be like he crazy he eating the foil and you're like that's just who like yeah I'm crazy

does it taste of anything the edible foil is it sweet or no it tastes of nothing yeah it tastes nothing that's pretty cool but you literally you can make anything

like space food you can make it like you like you can put it on anything. Yeah. It has to be a flat surface, so, because then it struggles to. And you get it like, you know, like gold leaf? You'll peel it off.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you get it like that. Stick it on, do, da, peel it off. Great. Magic, man. I'm actually quite surprised you haven't got space food on it. I would have thought you were the kind of guy, from judging by your menu so far,

that you would chuck space food in there that you'd want to try some space food. Yeah. I don't really fuck his space. No? No, it's a bit overwhelming and like, and then also just that whole astronaut thing. I'm like,

I don't know if I want to eat out of a tube man Do you know what I mean? How are you going to put cheese scrapings into a Into a toothpaste tube? You're not Like that food will never taste good Do you, you into it? I think I would I did

But they have dried stuff, don't they? I mean, won't surprise anyone But I'd the astronaut ice cream Once, I went to some Like museum, like a space thing Yeah It might have even been the NASA one And like

Had like the ice cream It was all right It's fun to eat it A little Neapolitan astronaut powdered ice cream thing sure sure you get fed up with it if you're an astronaut wouldn't you yeah exactly man

novelty in a museum okay yeah but like you know if you're asking me about my dream meal I'm sorry why would I make a dream meal out of people what people have to do because they're compromised with gravity like it's a necessity it's not a luxury yeah

I watched a interview yesterday with Ridley Scott because he's promoted his Oscar season and he wants to win something and they talked to him about the Martian and he's like you they said to him would you ever go to space he said he said I don't fuck with space he went no I'm not crazy and that was it that was the answer he got

but he was talking about the Martian and he was like I got the script and I was like this is a comedy and everyone was saying to me no this is like a serious drama this is like a tense film and I was like this is a comedy the guy eats potatoes growing from his own dump I don't think I hear

Ridley Scott say dump dump yeah I thought he's like shit or poo he'd go growing from his own dump Going from his own dump. Wow. That's the director saying that. That's really Scott. Imagine getting that note as an actor.

In the potato sea, just being like, yeah, just like laugh at it a bit more. I find it funny that you're like. Remember you are eating your own dump. Yeah. It's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I'd be in a space film. I'd be, I'd love to be in a space film.

It's like simulated like all that shit. Great. I think you'd be, if you were in Armageddon, say, and you were like part of the crew, do you think you'd make it to the end of the film? Or do you think you'd die? It's like Owen Wilson. It's just, like, dead so quick in that mission. Yeah, man, I worry I would be dead very quickly.

Although they say when you're like under, you know, like, it's amazing what you can achieve in it when you really put your head to it. I always identified with, like, the stoner in those films, you know, like in the horror films, you die quite early on. But I have a good time doing it, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're never, they're never stressed. Yeah.

They die, they die stoned, right? In horror films, they're always really chilled out. I'm okay with that, you know. Yeah, I'm okay with that. So you like just greet the alien and then get, killed. Yeah, just life's so stressful actually. If the world really went to shit, I'd like to think that actually I'd just be like, do you know what? It's out of my control. Yeah, you know what? Your drink dessert. Here we are. No, do you know what? The best cake I ever, ever tasted, right? Great. This is

my dream start to a sentence, yeah? Oh, first series of juice, there was a scene where I'm eat, I bite into Russell Tovey's arm and his cake. Such a TV cliché. How many times has Tovey done that as well? He's like, great. I'm cake again. Every show. God, I'm talking fast.

On arms made of cake, yeah, again. Is it cake? Is it Russell Tovey or is it cake? Toby should go on that show. Huh? They should bring him out on that. Is it cake show? It was a very long shoot day,

I think he's scarred from the day where he had to be cake. Because also, because we had to do resets, right? So they made like three. Okay, so we had this cake. and it looked exactly like his bicep, right? So already, delicious. You know, like the veins and everything. Wow.

Like color matched. It was incredible. Wow. And they painted and everything. Yeah, yeah. Do you think the person making the cake, they were like his, the person you're going to be making the cake look like, they were like, oh, for fuck sake.

He's so ripped. There's like loads of stuff to do. Whereas it would be so much easier if it was just like my arm and they'd be like, just looks like a cake anyway. We should get roly polo. Yeah, yeah. Just get a jam roly pot. You got loads of tattoos, though.

Yeah, we'd just paint a roly-poly. That's not too difficult, is it? Paint a roly poli of all your different tats. There's no veins, there's no veins, man. My veins are inside my arm where they should be. Yeah. If anything. Yeah, yeah.

No, it would have been simpler. And you know, it'd have been cheaper because I think it costs 6,000 pounds or some stupid. Yeah. Yeah. But it was worth it. But we had to do, like, obviously, several takes and stuff. So I was like, oh, this is going to be the worst cake I've ever tasted. It's a prop cake.

Yeah, yeah. And it was the best thing. I've ever tasted, something that looks like an arm when you buy it into it and it was, I don't even like Victoria Sponge. Yeah. It was incredible. The jam was just jamming. The buttery top was just buttery topping.

Like, it was just moist. It was so good, man. So is that like expectation versus reality? Maybe it was that. Yeah. But that's your memory of the cake. It was absolutely delicious. It was good though, man.

And was the outside, like a fondant kind of thing. It was like a marzipan type thing. Okay. Yeah. And like flesh colored. You know what I mean? We shot it in, that was in the winter. He wasn't tanned.

It was a pasty old looking thing. Sorry, Russell. Sorry, Russell. The bicep was lovely. Yeah. But you know how you want your food to look? Sure. And it was just shock of it.

And then also the scene is like me like falling in love with him. That's how I'm in love with this man. He tastes amazing. And so that like, it was no acting involved, man. I was like How many takes did you do? We only did two sadly And there was more

But I just I had it And there are two different arms That you took bites out of I'd take it Two different arms Did the crew eat the rest of the arm? Yeah I guess so

But I had to go straight into another scene And then there was no more cake Yeah Got it Everyone loved it Straight into another And they didn't save you any No can you believe

That's crazy I mean to be fair I wasted two With like massive bite marks And you know what I'm like They probably had the drinks anyway I can cut around Those bite marks

This is mad because James did bake-off with Russell Tovey. I did. Me and Toby were on Bake-off together. Oh, yeah. Maybe he was made of cake. I could save me some time because he just let over. Cut Toby's arm off. Presented it to Paul Hollywood.

Done. There you go. Biting to that. It's a lot nicer than it looks. Yeah, exactly. Don't be fooled by the veins. Yeah, yeah. I'd have got the handshake.

Or could have just shook his hand with Toby's arm. With his arm. There we go. Just held it up. Hollywood handshake. Instead, it was the worst day in my life. Do you want, when the cake is presented to you at the dream meal, do you want it to be just a disembodied arm cake,

or do you want it to be attached to Russell? I want Russell on the table. Russell's on the table. A little bit of basil? Basel? Well, you put a little bit of basil on top of the cheese scraping. Because that tastes nice. We could just put a little bit of basil on Russell, Toby?

A little bit of mint on Russell? Whereabouts do you want to put the mint? Do you not be nice thing like just the little palm of his hand? A little palm of his hands. So he's like presenting it. Like some kind of like weird pagan ceremony. Yeah, yeah. And we'd hang out.

It wouldn't be weird. We'd hang out and we'd chat like we're, you know, just hanging out as mates, right? But he would have to like pose in the thing. I think it was the whole, it was the whole atmosphere as well. And it was like action. And then you're doing this thing and you're in bed and you're like, you know. And I think that everything contribute to making it tasty. Which that's why I do think like food is a full.

dimensional experience. It's about all the senses. It's a Russell Toby's arm cake. Russell Tovey's arm cake. Well, I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. This is a great menu. Quite looking forward to reading this back. Still water.

You would like a stack of popenoms with all the dips. And you're going to just be biting them whole. Starter you want tubby toast with a tubby custard dip. When you put it like that. Sounds very juvenile. Main course, English food. Side dish. You would like cheese scrapings on a massive plate.

with a garnish. No. It has a name, thank you. Sorry, you would like Dragonda? Dragonda plate. Dragondon. God, you're so on culture.

Drink for Luda, dessert. Russell Tovey's Bicep cake, mint, a little bit mint in the palm. Now, that's a menu. That is a menu. That's good, isn't it? That is very good. That's good.

I'd eat it. I would want to eat all of that. I'd like a slice of the Tovian, for sure. I really want to try the Tovey arm. I do want to see what the Tobey Custon. and Tuppy Toast actually tastes like. Cheese scraping. All day long.

All day long. And the English food, I'm not going to say I'm not, you know, curious about that either. I do want to know what that tastes like. Well, that's the one we can recreate at home quite easily. Because we're English. Yeah, because we're English. Because you're English.

We've got all the ingredients. Yeah, exactly. It's in your blood. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we know how to make that. Don't you worry. Fantastic menu. Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant.

Anytime, man. Well, there we go. What a menu. We should have known that menu would have been pinging around all over the place, James. If a man puts helium in an egg. Yeah. They're going to order that food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although he didn't order helium in an egg. He didn't order helium in an egg. So we kept a mint. God, because that was the secret ingredient. But I mean what I said, I'll try all of that. Yeah, I mean, the main course is one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's hilarious. Yeah, I don't need to try that because I know what all the ingredients taste like. You don't think it'd be nice? No. I want to...

I think it would be comforting. I saw where he was coming from. It was nostalgia for him. It was comfort. And I could see how maybe if you were in a rush and you put all those things together, it would fill you up. I mean, that would fill me up for days.

Yeah. I mean, it's something that I would never eat, but because of how much Moran clearly loves it, I did want to try it just because of the joy it clearly gave him because it's English food. Yes, yeah, it's English food. And we should know really what it tastes like as English food.

But the cheese scraping's stroke a genius for me. I would also try the custard skin, considering the amount of effort that went in to make. I mean, what a guy. Spending the whole day doing that, but getting it right in the end. We've all been in situations where we've got a writing deadline, and instead we try and do something like that, right? Anything else to just, anything but right, and just put it off. I told you, I made a carrot cake the night before mock the week once.

Yeah, that was why all of your scenes we'd like to see about carrot cake. About carrot cake, yeah. Or myths on. Yeah, and I was covered in crumbs. You were covered in crumbs Crummy Gamble Crummy Gamble Juice Series 2 is out soon

on BBC 3 and IPlayer Oh lovely stuff Ed I guess that's off-menu done for another week Yes We'll see the listeners next week For more food-related hijinks I don't like that

You're all being all professional I think it's like new year New Vibe people don't know that when we're recording this This is like January Yeah I'm trying to be professional now Yeah but it's not the first one

We've recorded in January and you weren't professional for those. But that was what I was thinking, Joe. I was like, Joe, what, man, you got up your game. Yeah. You know, Ed does so many podcasts now. He's so professional. Yeah.

You've got to show him that, like, you know, you're professional too. Yeah. And because I worry, you know, every time you leave, I say to Benito, he's going to leave me. He's going to leave me. He's going to continue to do the other podcast full time. No way, no. And I need to show him that I'm professional, that I'm worth staying with. I will do this podcast forever.

Oh. I was hoping we could quit fairly soon. No way, man. I don't think forever. I don't think we need to say forever. Well, there we go. We've made it unprofessional at the end. See you next week.

Bye. Bye. 11th of September. The time is 7pm and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.com.uk. Single ladies, it's coming to London. True on Saturday the 13th of September. At the London podcast festival. The rumours are true. Saturday the 13th of September at Kings Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.